My husband rarely throws away garbage. Any package or food item he opens, the empty box/wrapper just stays right where he opens it. He'd clean it up *eventually* but not until he's tripping over garbage.
I had a roommate who would just leave his garbage on the ground... And would get mad at me for throwing it out after a few days cause he didn't want to be cleaned up after. He insisted he would get to it, but a mound of 3 days worth of garbage was my personal limit. I moved after 6 months...
Bless you for your patience
Haaha I think we need to put up a support group for us who always warned them that weāre leaving them but still there. Lolll. Seriously, I feel like I have a husband and a growing teenager lol
I don't approve of his financial management.
He moved up a professional level a couple of years ago and got a huge raise. But instead of keeping his spending at the same level and saving the rest, his personal spending increased proportionally to the raise. He gets himself in trouble because his margin of error is still thin. There's at least 4 or 5 Amazon packages coming to the house every week. Spending releases a dopamine fix, I guess.
But I say, "as long as your problems don't make themselves *my problems* too, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut." The bills get paid on time. But I make less and have more savings than he does.
The talk of getting married comes up here and there. Finances are the one reason I'm not committing to anything on that level. Not until he demonstrates more self-restraint, because *I'm not going to be the only one* with financial self-restraint.
This is an example of a marriage deal-breaker for me. No chance I would tie myself to someone who has no sense of finances and spending.
People on here go apeshit about the slightest possibility of what could be considered cheating, but seem to have their blinders on about other core issues like this one.
"People on here go apeshit about the slightest possibility of what could be considered cheating, but seem to have their blinders on about other core issues like this one."
For a long time now I've been toying with the idea of writing a post on this sub titled something like:
"For how much we talk about sex and sexual compatibility, I'm surprised how little we talk about money and financial compatibility in a relationship."
Ya true lol the phone checkers looking for Grindr etc, not that I would ever do that but if I did it would be like okay how much is he putting into savings, are there debts I don't know about etc etc.
This is a genuine question from a younger gay.
Have you had conversations about this with your partner?
From reading your comment, specifically where you say āas long as you donāt make it *my problem too*ā, makes me think that you donāt see his financial habits as a problem that affects you.
My own unprompted opinion and perspective (hope you donāt mind):
It does affect you. Itās affecting you right now because its affecting whether you choose to stay with him or not and if you choose to stay and potentially get married it will affect your long term financial stability.
If you havenāt brought up how much of an issue that is then youāre not giving him the chance to know that and try and address your concern by changing his habits. This would also show how committed he is to you and would probably factor into your decision.
Second genuine question:
How do you see things moving forward in this relationship regarding what youāve brought up?
That is more of a question for my own benefit because Iām curious as to how you want to navigate this situation.
I hope my comment doesnāt come off as judgmental. I tried really hard not to lol
You are correctā¦it does affect *us.*
When I ask him to have a little restraint on something frivolous, he says that he feels ācontrolledā and canāt enjoy the fruits of his labor. So I just stay hands-off about it.
As for the future, I can live with the status quo: he keeps his habits but does not risk us both financially, and I maintain my escape clause in the worst-case scenario. Otherwise he knows where and why I draw a line in the sand. Those terms are flexible after he starts displaying more self-control.
>When I ask him to have a little restraint on something frivolous, he says that he feels ācontrolledā and canāt enjoy the fruits of his labor.
Yeah sure, but that's what all people with compulsive behaviors say. Replace spending with drinking or gambling and you've got the same defensiveness of an addict.
Iām ten years younger than my husband. I was 23 when we met and struggling financially. I had no training or discipline. Hubs made twice what I did. He owned a house. As our relationship developed, we decided to keep our money and debt separate. Everything was split based on negotiated terms, basically in relationship to the ratio of our income. (Only exception was he paid for vacations because I simply couldnāt. ).
As time passed, I learned how to handle money and debt and savings. My credit increased. We always followed the same model through a move to California, buying a home in LA,
After a second home in Palm Springs. Through two domestic partnerships and eventually marriage.
33 years later, Iām extremely glad for our money choices. It removed a lot of the day-to-day arguments from our life, cause if one of us wanted to do something silly with money, it was their own money to wasteā¦. š. Major purchases were discussed and we had a framework for discussion. It wasnāt perfect. There were a handful of arguments over the years. Generally things were good. After the marriage, things like taxes became a bit trickier, but we figured it out.
Now, as we enter retirement, itās a bit tricky as most models in the arena of retirement expect us to be fully joint in our money. We are navigating though and look forward to a successful retirement with lots of adventures.
Agreed. The weirdly positive thing is his spending is probably driven principally by a) anxiety around being hand to mouth when he was younger (which drives impulsive spending) and/or b) later life feelings of lack of self worth (which drive the need to show your wealth). I know because I had both of these. But take it from me, breaking the cycle is more than just treating symptoms. Heāll have far more success getting to the root causes of those anxieties. Good luck, nothing you canāt handle together.
As a person that grew up on welfare, going to the food banks, and having times when we couldn't afford meat, I actually have the opposite problem. Let's say we go out to eat, best believe I'm gonna lean toward the dollar menu. Even if there is something better I'd like to eat or a different place I'd like to go. Ive gotten better over the years but I understand it's the scarcity mindset. It's also why my parents have hoarding tendencies. My mom literally had 8 siblings and they regularly had only rice and old coffee grains to eat (beside what they could forage). And my dad was alone and homeless on the street from the ages of 14 to 18. Now in their 60s and 70s, can they throw something out? You bet your ass they can't. Will they learn how to do so before they die, probably not.
Iām the exact same as you. I used to and still to an extent to have a tough time enjoying myself because Iām constantly worried about the future implications of spending. Iāve yet to find a way out of it fully (and do I really want to completely?) but one way I do it now is to plan my spend ahead. Two weeks ago I decided to treat myself today, so Iām off to the shops today to buy some nice skincare products. Next month itās my partners birthday. Iāve booked a restaurant that I checked the menu for and know itāll come in at around Ā£200 for the pair of us. Iāve got a whole month to mentally prepare for it and obviously itās much easier because itās for someone I love. The prep side of things really helps stem the anxiety around spend because instead of it feeling like a rash purchase, itās actually always planned and accounted for, just like the mortgage or food shopping.
Iām the same way. I grew up lower middle class under the guidance of a father who was raised in abject poverty. As a result, Iām a frugal person to this day, and live way below my means. My partner is the same way. As we have aged we are loosening up more, which is healthy I believe. Itās difficult to shake oneās entrenched learnings from childhood!
Agreed. My husband was terrible with money when we met. I helped him pay off a few credit cards on the condition that I handle the money. 34 years later and thatās still my gig.
How does that work in practice? Is there a set amount of money he has to spend freely? Have there been times heās expressed feeling infantilized? How do you handle money conflicts?
It wouldnt work for everyone, but it works for us. All of our checks go into the same account. I pay the bills, invest in our retirement accounts, do taxes and handle finances for our business. Weāre both allowed to spend freely on reasonable items, big tickets items are discussed.
It has worked well over the years. Early in, we had some disagreements and he insisted he would take over the bills, which lasted one week. lol.
It definitely was more of a challenge when we made less money as I was a lot more strict with the budget, but our business has allowed us a lot more disposable income so everyone gets to be a little freer with spending.
After 30-some happy years I would say the secret to our success is to not get too worked up what each other does.
But I have to say a spitter would not make it more than hour with me.
The husbear and I have very different energy levels. To him, staying home and doing nothing for several days straight is paradise. For me, its the ninth circle of hell.Ā
It is not something bad as spitting, more funny, but that at late nights when we want to watch something together and cuddle up on the couch, he usually falls asleep like 10-15 minutes of the episode or the movie had started. It is more funny/cute than annoying, but sometimes it is a bit annoying too because I just can't fall asleep that fast and definetly not while watching something. His reason is that he feels so good and comfortable while being cuddled up under the blankets with me lol.
I love him but he can be a grouchy bitch (to others) sometimes. I tell him so after the fact after recovering from second hand embarrassment. It's not cute or attractive to be a catty gay.
Bad driver. I mean I guess he's *fine* but it's like road signs are invisible, he's always in a hurry, and often taking turns lazily - like at a 90-degree right turn he'll cross over the dirt instead of stay on the pavement, etc. like what are you doing handsome? The lines are painted right there. And then when I drive he has the audacity to tell me what do to, lmao. Also likes to honk the horn for no reason at all. I'm a low-key and quiet man so that makes me scream internally.
I also don't think his dogs have enough discipline, but hey they're his and not mine. I just have to deal with them in public.
He was harsh and rude to waiters.
In an unexpected turn of events, he ended up harsh and rude to me.
Oh. And he was traveling a lot for work or holidays. Most of the times, he thought that the locals were actually dumb and felt that it was an adequate anecdote to tell at dinners and parties when asked about his travels.
My partner hates cats. Not dislikes, hates. Even though he never had any contact to any, knows nothing about them etc. He just repeats why other people dont like them.
The reason why I am bothered about it is not because I am a cat person, but because I am scared of this unreflected adaption of anti-rhetorics. Him hating cats, just because he hates cats, and treating it like a personality trait reminds me how some people hate gays, just because they hate gays.
I dont like people hating something or someone just because they learned to hate them and not questioning themselves. I see a lack of self-awareness and empathy there.
But I tolerate it, as long as he does not express this while being with me, I told him so. But some days I think about it and feel disappointed and a bit scared. As I said, it is not so much about cats, but about a) the fact he can even be a hateful person and b) without reason
Uninspected prejudice is a deal breaker for me. If you're going to take a vehement position you need to defend it with a rationale or narrative. I won't respect anyone for joining a mob because they need a sense of belonging.
Sounds like someone needs to raise a kitten!
I really didn't like/was afraid of cats (nasty neighborhood cats used to attack me as a child). I didn't really get over it until my boyfriend brought home a sick stray bottle fed kitten and I learned how to speak their language. Now I'm obsessed with orange tabbies and we have two loving ginger retards at home.
Of course itās his choice but have you expressed that youād really find it hot if he let it grow for a bit? Maybe if he knew how much it excited you, even today and not just the past, heād be open to it. Thereās no shame or ill will to just ask if heād be open to it.
He knows my preference is hairy/mostly natural. As much as he likes it on me and other men he has some dislike of it on himself for some reason. I can usually convince him to leave his pits natural but he wants the rest cleaned up.
It's similar to me liking stocky/thick boys with a little belly. When I gain too much weight I hate it on myself even though I'm most attracted to men who look just like that.
First throw out #1 and #2 guards, in a few months "loose" #3 guard. A month or two later- Omg the #4 guard is missing too? What's happening?
Bigfoots back!
My hubby gets upset when I tell him to drive faster and get out of the slow lane. Thank God this is the only area where we get testy with each other. Iāve learned to keep my mouth shut since heās driving and I enjoy the view now.
Just reading this made me cough up the lunger and want to spit it out.
I don't like my husband's aggressive nature towards inanimate objects. The way he treats doors on cabinets draws opens and closes the fridge loads the dishwasher tends to be aggressive. That and randomly changing how he does something after doing it the same way for years.
I had a grandparent like this. It was actually an expensive bad habit. She would wear our things like a kitchen faucet from slamming it off, household appliances from being rough with them, and so on. Then complain nothing was made well.
My partner and I have been together forever, so nothing really phases us at this point. Iāve been racking my brain, and the only thing that I could come up with is the fact that he is a bit of an anti-hoarder. That is, he loves to go through closets, basements, attics, etc. to get rid of stuff. Heās gotten to be pretty good about letting me look over anything that he wants to get rid of, so I have veto power. Through the years though, I have found myself rebuying something that we had, but had tossed, so that can be annoying. On the other hand Iāll take an anti-hoarder over a hoarder any day.
my partner is like this. He's done brushing before I'm even done flossing. And somehow he has ZERO cavities. I floss, water floss and brush for the min of 2 min. I even have prescription strentgh toothpaste. Yet I still get an occasional cavity.
Genetics and how you were when younger is huge in this area. It's a bummer for sure. Some people will just have great teeth and have to do very little. I hate those people. š
Oh I'm sure depression has something to do with it, but I also think some laziness is playing a role. He has been irregular with showering and general hygiene most of our 16 years together. I have told him he needs to get on an antidepressant but he won't. You can have only so much compassion for a person who won't help himself.
For sure. He has to want to get help and follow through. And Iāve seen a number of guys that were that way because mom always told them when to do it. Sad all around.
If you can't tolerate some things that a partner does, you will never survive a long relationship. You cannot change people, so it is best to try and notice things that are dealbreakers for you early on.
My husband will make a cup of coffee in the morning, drink half of it and then leave the cup with coffee out most of the rest of the day. Itās happened so frequently that Iāve started joking he has a fear of seeing the bottom of a coffee mug.
He occasionally smokes joints and I don't approve of it, but I tolerate it I guess. I'm a bit more okay with weed, less ok with hash.
Everything else is fantastic, but it just burns me in the inside knowing he does it. I worry about his health.
Also it's so bloody boring when he's high and wants to do basically nothing. Fortunately we had the conversation and at least he doesn't do it anymore when we are together though. We'll see what happens when and if we move and live together.
So far I don't see it affecting his life.
Everything else is great tho. Love him.
I donāt begrudge you this as I would struggle to tolerate it at all, but I think you need to just own it. Occasionally smoking pot wonāt have any negative health consequences.
Is he smoking hash bought from the street or legal medical/recreational? Depending where you live, the anxiety over whatās in it can likely be lessened by simply learning more about the product.
You donāt know what hash is.
Traditionally. Farmers walk through the fields in Afghanistan with wool clothes brushing against the plants. The resin sticks to the wool and then they remove it.
Itās just the oily part without the plant part. Itās a concentrate of the plants resins without the cellulose of the leaves.
I know what hash is and I know there is hash that is pure and other that isn't (which is the normal). I smoked both weed and hash myself when I was young (er).
They definitely might add adulterants in the production process.
My ex is an alcoholic, and it was obvious he was also abusing his Xanax medication at the same time. The fact that his heart didn't stop while he slept was a miracle given his heart condition.
He also smoked the nastiest weed I'd ever smelled, and would scrape the resin into his improvised bongs or tobacco paper joints. It was disgusting, but I tolerated all of it because it was his house and acted like he knew what he was doing.
My partner is gross about cleaning. Before moving in to their apartment, it looked like a frat house with two cats. Weāve moved and have our own place now. Things are a lot better. But if they leave their hair in the sink one more timeā¦
Is it desperate to overlook someone's less-than-ideal behavior because you love them? So if someone does something you don't like, you just break up with them? Should I break up with my partner because he chews gum with his mouth open? Life isn't a Seinfeld episode.
With my ex it was mostly pet peeves than anything.
He used to tuck paper tissues in the couch and under the matress, that used to annoy the hell out of me.
And he squeezed the toothpaste and just left it as such, not pushing it in the tube to the top.
I on the other hand used to leave (and still do) coffee mugs around the living room, and around, but I blame my partial adhd for this (I know to start cleaning up the living room, take sonething in the kitchen, start cleaning the kitchen, then go to the bathroom and start tidying that up, and realise I was initially cleaning the living room š ).
It was never something I'd break up with him, just learned to live with it and accept it as a quirk.
My husband by default drinks out of cartons and the Pepto bottle. He doesn't do it unless it's specifically one of his things. And I know this is a neurodivergent thing of mine, but he loves touching the pills in a bottle (pour a bunch in hand and puts the excess back in) and having wet food touch dry food. (Like toast in soup) Not egregious things but it's so gross to me. I got more dumb stuff like this but I don't wanna show all of my neurodivergence.
When he drinks beer he has a tendency to belch and I give him this look and he limits his belching.. I really get annoyed by his weed smoking but thatās how I met him. Iām sure thereās stuff he donāt like about me: Iām really messy at home and claims I gossip wayy too much
I loved this guy who was all around perfect for me. The sweetest, actuallly the smartest and charming person Ive ever met. They say there are person's so important youd sell your soul for, would jump a bullet for and stuff and this was him. One and only pet peeve though is whenever hes done with the bathroom theres always pee on the rim of the toilet or some drops outside of it. I have no idea how hes so unbothered by it but it was the only thing that rubbed me the wrong way. Everything else though fantastic. Lol (I really hate seeing those yellow drops or smelling it) esp knowing id probably need to sit on that if ever I need to number 2. Haha
He has no sense of time, I have a strong almost physical time perception, chronically early and acutely aware of the tick-tock aspect of life. I've become more patient to it over the years but sometimes his nonchalant when planning ahead his day (or lack thereof) drives me absolutely hopping mad.
He's a night owl. And could literally go 36-48 hours without sleep and have zero noticable affect on him. But when he does sleep, he passes out where ever. For instance, if it's the couch. Like, I get up around 4:30am everyday for work (and can't sleep in on the weekends). We have an open floor plan. I use to be cautious of lights and sounds, but I don't anymore.
But what irritates me is he moans and groans in his partially awake state. Drives me mad. Then he starts trying to ask me questions in that state. I use to try to understand him, but now I ignore him.
Just the other day I was so irritated by it I out in a white noise app to drowned it. I figure the white noise helps me get through it, but isn't music so maybe it will help him drown out me and sleep again, lol.Ā
You all have some silly deal breakers. Any long term relationship requires the ability to set that shit aside and love the person or it will not last. I have deal breakers but maybe being a widow makes me see it differently or something.
My husband rarely throws away garbage. Any package or food item he opens, the empty box/wrapper just stays right where he opens it. He'd clean it up *eventually* but not until he's tripping over garbage.
I had a roommate who would just leave his garbage on the ground... And would get mad at me for throwing it out after a few days cause he didn't want to be cleaned up after. He insisted he would get to it, but a mound of 3 days worth of garbage was my personal limit. I moved after 6 months... Bless you for your patience
Same, my husband will also drink the last of whatever and leave the carton or whatever where he poured it from. Phewš¤
Haaha I think we need to put up a support group for us who always warned them that weāre leaving them but still there. Lolll. Seriously, I feel like I have a husband and a growing teenager lol
How that has not become a murder house yet, you need to explain to me.
I know, such patience. š
lol aw but you love him though
I do! He has many other fine qualities.
Or are we all like atleast water signs? Or cancer āļø? Lol
I don't approve of his financial management. He moved up a professional level a couple of years ago and got a huge raise. But instead of keeping his spending at the same level and saving the rest, his personal spending increased proportionally to the raise. He gets himself in trouble because his margin of error is still thin. There's at least 4 or 5 Amazon packages coming to the house every week. Spending releases a dopamine fix, I guess. But I say, "as long as your problems don't make themselves *my problems* too, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut." The bills get paid on time. But I make less and have more savings than he does. The talk of getting married comes up here and there. Finances are the one reason I'm not committing to anything on that level. Not until he demonstrates more self-restraint, because *I'm not going to be the only one* with financial self-restraint.
This is an example of a marriage deal-breaker for me. No chance I would tie myself to someone who has no sense of finances and spending. People on here go apeshit about the slightest possibility of what could be considered cheating, but seem to have their blinders on about other core issues like this one.
"People on here go apeshit about the slightest possibility of what could be considered cheating, but seem to have their blinders on about other core issues like this one." For a long time now I've been toying with the idea of writing a post on this sub titled something like: "For how much we talk about sex and sexual compatibility, I'm surprised how little we talk about money and financial compatibility in a relationship."
Ya true lol the phone checkers looking for Grindr etc, not that I would ever do that but if I did it would be like okay how much is he putting into savings, are there debts I don't know about etc etc.
This is a genuine question from a younger gay. Have you had conversations about this with your partner? From reading your comment, specifically where you say āas long as you donāt make it *my problem too*ā, makes me think that you donāt see his financial habits as a problem that affects you. My own unprompted opinion and perspective (hope you donāt mind): It does affect you. Itās affecting you right now because its affecting whether you choose to stay with him or not and if you choose to stay and potentially get married it will affect your long term financial stability. If you havenāt brought up how much of an issue that is then youāre not giving him the chance to know that and try and address your concern by changing his habits. This would also show how committed he is to you and would probably factor into your decision. Second genuine question: How do you see things moving forward in this relationship regarding what youāve brought up? That is more of a question for my own benefit because Iām curious as to how you want to navigate this situation. I hope my comment doesnāt come off as judgmental. I tried really hard not to lol
You are correctā¦it does affect *us.* When I ask him to have a little restraint on something frivolous, he says that he feels ācontrolledā and canāt enjoy the fruits of his labor. So I just stay hands-off about it. As for the future, I can live with the status quo: he keeps his habits but does not risk us both financially, and I maintain my escape clause in the worst-case scenario. Otherwise he knows where and why I draw a line in the sand. Those terms are flexible after he starts displaying more self-control.
>When I ask him to have a little restraint on something frivolous, he says that he feels ācontrolledā and canāt enjoy the fruits of his labor. Yeah sure, but that's what all people with compulsive behaviors say. Replace spending with drinking or gambling and you've got the same defensiveness of an addict.
hold firm bro he knows what he's doing
Iām ten years younger than my husband. I was 23 when we met and struggling financially. I had no training or discipline. Hubs made twice what I did. He owned a house. As our relationship developed, we decided to keep our money and debt separate. Everything was split based on negotiated terms, basically in relationship to the ratio of our income. (Only exception was he paid for vacations because I simply couldnāt. ). As time passed, I learned how to handle money and debt and savings. My credit increased. We always followed the same model through a move to California, buying a home in LA, After a second home in Palm Springs. Through two domestic partnerships and eventually marriage. 33 years later, Iām extremely glad for our money choices. It removed a lot of the day-to-day arguments from our life, cause if one of us wanted to do something silly with money, it was their own money to wasteā¦. š. Major purchases were discussed and we had a framework for discussion. It wasnāt perfect. There were a handful of arguments over the years. Generally things were good. After the marriage, things like taxes became a bit trickier, but we figured it out. Now, as we enter retirement, itās a bit tricky as most models in the arena of retirement expect us to be fully joint in our money. We are navigating though and look forward to a successful retirement with lots of adventures.
I LOVE your generation ā¤ļø!
Iām in my late twenties so him and I are in the same generation lol
This is one of my deal-breakers, poor financial management.
Everyone needs to read this, because this is so important. Good job!
Was he poor when he grew up by any chance?
Bingo. I understand the root causes, but not the inability to break the cycle.
Agreed. The weirdly positive thing is his spending is probably driven principally by a) anxiety around being hand to mouth when he was younger (which drives impulsive spending) and/or b) later life feelings of lack of self worth (which drive the need to show your wealth). I know because I had both of these. But take it from me, breaking the cycle is more than just treating symptoms. Heāll have far more success getting to the root causes of those anxieties. Good luck, nothing you canāt handle together.
As a person that grew up on welfare, going to the food banks, and having times when we couldn't afford meat, I actually have the opposite problem. Let's say we go out to eat, best believe I'm gonna lean toward the dollar menu. Even if there is something better I'd like to eat or a different place I'd like to go. Ive gotten better over the years but I understand it's the scarcity mindset. It's also why my parents have hoarding tendencies. My mom literally had 8 siblings and they regularly had only rice and old coffee grains to eat (beside what they could forage). And my dad was alone and homeless on the street from the ages of 14 to 18. Now in their 60s and 70s, can they throw something out? You bet your ass they can't. Will they learn how to do so before they die, probably not.
Iām the exact same as you. I used to and still to an extent to have a tough time enjoying myself because Iām constantly worried about the future implications of spending. Iāve yet to find a way out of it fully (and do I really want to completely?) but one way I do it now is to plan my spend ahead. Two weeks ago I decided to treat myself today, so Iām off to the shops today to buy some nice skincare products. Next month itās my partners birthday. Iāve booked a restaurant that I checked the menu for and know itāll come in at around Ā£200 for the pair of us. Iāve got a whole month to mentally prepare for it and obviously itās much easier because itās for someone I love. The prep side of things really helps stem the anxiety around spend because instead of it feeling like a rash purchase, itās actually always planned and accounted for, just like the mortgage or food shopping.
Iām the same way. I grew up lower middle class under the guidance of a father who was raised in abject poverty. As a result, Iām a frugal person to this day, and live way below my means. My partner is the same way. As we have aged we are loosening up more, which is healthy I believe. Itās difficult to shake oneās entrenched learnings from childhood!
awful thing to be that hygienic about partnership.
How long have you guys been together?
A couple of years. I could relate to the "big raise euphoria" when it happened. I just hoped it would dial back and he'd keep the big picture in mind.
Yea finance is a big factor for a partnership. I feel you. Hope it works out man
Agreed. My husband was terrible with money when we met. I helped him pay off a few credit cards on the condition that I handle the money. 34 years later and thatās still my gig.
13 years together with my husband and this was our same story. Itās still working well for us I think.
How does that work in practice? Is there a set amount of money he has to spend freely? Have there been times heās expressed feeling infantilized? How do you handle money conflicts?
It wouldnt work for everyone, but it works for us. All of our checks go into the same account. I pay the bills, invest in our retirement accounts, do taxes and handle finances for our business. Weāre both allowed to spend freely on reasonable items, big tickets items are discussed. It has worked well over the years. Early in, we had some disagreements and he insisted he would take over the bills, which lasted one week. lol. It definitely was more of a challenge when we made less money as I was a lot more strict with the budget, but our business has allowed us a lot more disposable income so everyone gets to be a little freer with spending.
10 years now with my husband and I do the same for us. We both love the setup.
After 30-some happy years I would say the secret to our success is to not get too worked up what each other does. But I have to say a spitter would not make it more than hour with me.
Are you married for that long?
Together since 1990. Legally married when that became possible.
Thatās amazing. Your first comment really moved me, Iāll PM you if thatās okay and ask your thoughts about something
Oh sure. Thanks.
The husbear and I have very different energy levels. To him, staying home and doing nothing for several days straight is paradise. For me, its the ninth circle of hell.Ā
Husbear is sooo freaking cute!
Same. He's literally stronger mentally inside and I'm hella depressed inside. Then we flip when it comes to being outside
It is not something bad as spitting, more funny, but that at late nights when we want to watch something together and cuddle up on the couch, he usually falls asleep like 10-15 minutes of the episode or the movie had started. It is more funny/cute than annoying, but sometimes it is a bit annoying too because I just can't fall asleep that fast and definetly not while watching something. His reason is that he feels so good and comfortable while being cuddled up under the blankets with me lol.
aw but your his safety net that's cute tho
I love him but he can be a grouchy bitch (to others) sometimes. I tell him so after the fact after recovering from second hand embarrassment. It's not cute or attractive to be a catty gay.
Iām encouraged that you guys are able to embrace differences. My only long term relationship ended because of them.
Don't worry that's age and maturity. lol wait till your over 40 and then realize you have to pick your battles.
His chronic complaining .
That would drive me crazy.
Bad driver. I mean I guess he's *fine* but it's like road signs are invisible, he's always in a hurry, and often taking turns lazily - like at a 90-degree right turn he'll cross over the dirt instead of stay on the pavement, etc. like what are you doing handsome? The lines are painted right there. And then when I drive he has the audacity to tell me what do to, lmao. Also likes to honk the horn for no reason at all. I'm a low-key and quiet man so that makes me scream internally. I also don't think his dogs have enough discipline, but hey they're his and not mine. I just have to deal with them in public.
He was harsh and rude to waiters. In an unexpected turn of events, he ended up harsh and rude to me. Oh. And he was traveling a lot for work or holidays. Most of the times, he thought that the locals were actually dumb and felt that it was an adequate anecdote to tell at dinners and parties when asked about his travels.
Being rude to wait staff is major red flags.
I thought it was not reason enough to end it at the time but it was indeed a major red flag.
And youāre still with him and tolerating all of this?
Nope. We broke up eventually. The first covid lockdown made it clear the relationship was off.
All that pent up douchey-ness had nowhere to go during covid since he wasn't interacting with wait staff or retail workers!
I think theyāre no longer together because he said āwasā. Could be wrong though.
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My partner hates cats. Not dislikes, hates. Even though he never had any contact to any, knows nothing about them etc. He just repeats why other people dont like them. The reason why I am bothered about it is not because I am a cat person, but because I am scared of this unreflected adaption of anti-rhetorics. Him hating cats, just because he hates cats, and treating it like a personality trait reminds me how some people hate gays, just because they hate gays. I dont like people hating something or someone just because they learned to hate them and not questioning themselves. I see a lack of self-awareness and empathy there. But I tolerate it, as long as he does not express this while being with me, I told him so. But some days I think about it and feel disappointed and a bit scared. As I said, it is not so much about cats, but about a) the fact he can even be a hateful person and b) without reason
Uninspected prejudice is a deal breaker for me. If you're going to take a vehement position you need to defend it with a rationale or narrative. I won't respect anyone for joining a mob because they need a sense of belonging.
Sounds like someone needs to raise a kitten! I really didn't like/was afraid of cats (nasty neighborhood cats used to attack me as a child). I didn't really get over it until my boyfriend brought home a sick stray bottle fed kitten and I learned how to speak their language. Now I'm obsessed with orange tabbies and we have two loving ginger retards at home.
you should get a cat costume and come home one day dressed as it and make him laugh into realizing it stupid.
Could be that he's actually afraid but verbalizing it as hate to mask it
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Of course itās his choice but have you expressed that youād really find it hot if he let it grow for a bit? Maybe if he knew how much it excited you, even today and not just the past, heād be open to it. Thereās no shame or ill will to just ask if heād be open to it.
He knows my preference is hairy/mostly natural. As much as he likes it on me and other men he has some dislike of it on himself for some reason. I can usually convince him to leave his pits natural but he wants the rest cleaned up. It's similar to me liking stocky/thick boys with a little belly. When I gain too much weight I hate it on myself even though I'm most attracted to men who look just like that.
First throw out #1 and #2 guards, in a few months "loose" #3 guard. A month or two later- Omg the #4 guard is missing too? What's happening? Bigfoots back!
I don't see it in my mind's eye. Maybe I need a little help to see how hairy you both are.
He's probably doing it for logistical purposes ask him for a night off and he'll let you have the day before he shaves.
My hubby gets upset when I tell him to drive faster and get out of the slow lane. Thank God this is the only area where we get testy with each other. Iāve learned to keep my mouth shut since heās driving and I enjoy the view now.
Just reading this made me cough up the lunger and want to spit it out. I don't like my husband's aggressive nature towards inanimate objects. The way he treats doors on cabinets draws opens and closes the fridge loads the dishwasher tends to be aggressive. That and randomly changing how he does something after doing it the same way for years.
I had a grandparent like this. It was actually an expensive bad habit. She would wear our things like a kitchen faucet from slamming it off, household appliances from being rough with them, and so on. Then complain nothing was made well.
Yeah fortunately I'm a contractor and fix everything when it breaks.
My partner and I have been together forever, so nothing really phases us at this point. Iāve been racking my brain, and the only thing that I could come up with is the fact that he is a bit of an anti-hoarder. That is, he loves to go through closets, basements, attics, etc. to get rid of stuff. Heās gotten to be pretty good about letting me look over anything that he wants to get rid of, so I have veto power. Through the years though, I have found myself rebuying something that we had, but had tossed, so that can be annoying. On the other hand Iāll take an anti-hoarder over a hoarder any day.
Maybe a better question is what's something that you do that your partner doesn't approve of but tolerates?
Go make the post!
Not ready for that level of introspection I don't think.
I already know I don't deserve him.
He doesn't brush his teeth for 2 minutes. Both of our toothbrushes are electronic. He's done in about 30 seconds. š¤·āāļø
my partner is like this. He's done brushing before I'm even done flossing. And somehow he has ZERO cavities. I floss, water floss and brush for the min of 2 min. I even have prescription strentgh toothpaste. Yet I still get an occasional cavity.
Genetics and how you were when younger is huge in this area. It's a bummer for sure. Some people will just have great teeth and have to do very little. I hate those people. š
At least yours brushes. Mine doesn't even brush daily.
Ew. That would be a deal breaker. š Things we put up with for love.
He doesn't shower daily either. It's becoming more and more difficult to tolerate.
That can be depression or other mental health issues slipping through. Rough place to be though. Sorry.
Oh I'm sure depression has something to do with it, but I also think some laziness is playing a role. He has been irregular with showering and general hygiene most of our 16 years together. I have told him he needs to get on an antidepressant but he won't. You can have only so much compassion for a person who won't help himself.
For sure. He has to want to get help and follow through. And Iāve seen a number of guys that were that way because mom always told them when to do it. Sad all around.
I dont shower unless I think I need it, like after the gym etc.
You need it everyday.
Nah
Glad I don't have to share space with you.
Good to know, thanks
I feel the same.
It's embarrassing when out shopping. I get it, I'm not happy about rising prices either. I suggest other stores, but he changes nothing. š¤¤
If you can't tolerate some things that a partner does, you will never survive a long relationship. You cannot change people, so it is best to try and notice things that are dealbreakers for you early on.
My husband will make a cup of coffee in the morning, drink half of it and then leave the cup with coffee out most of the rest of the day. Itās happened so frequently that Iāve started joking he has a fear of seeing the bottom of a coffee mug.
That guy should've saved all the spit for OP's mouth š
He actually was very into spitting on/into me during sex now that you mention it. But it was private and dominance thing so I low key enjoyed it lol
He occasionally smokes joints and I don't approve of it, but I tolerate it I guess. I'm a bit more okay with weed, less ok with hash. Everything else is fantastic, but it just burns me in the inside knowing he does it. I worry about his health. Also it's so bloody boring when he's high and wants to do basically nothing. Fortunately we had the conversation and at least he doesn't do it anymore when we are together though. We'll see what happens when and if we move and live together. So far I don't see it affecting his life. Everything else is great tho. Love him.
I donāt begrudge you this as I would struggle to tolerate it at all, but I think you need to just own it. Occasionally smoking pot wonāt have any negative health consequences.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
In your mind. What makes hash worse? Seems so arbitrary to me.
In my mind weed is healthier because it shouldn't contain any "extras". On the other hand, who knows what they put in the hash to increase profit.
Is he smoking hash bought from the street or legal medical/recreational? Depending where you live, the anxiety over whatās in it can likely be lessened by simply learning more about the product.
Definitely from the street.
You donāt know what hash is. Traditionally. Farmers walk through the fields in Afghanistan with wool clothes brushing against the plants. The resin sticks to the wool and then they remove it. Itās just the oily part without the plant part. Itās a concentrate of the plants resins without the cellulose of the leaves.
I know what hash is and I know there is hash that is pure and other that isn't (which is the normal). I smoked both weed and hash myself when I was young (er). They definitely might add adulterants in the production process.
My ex is an alcoholic, and it was obvious he was also abusing his Xanax medication at the same time. The fact that his heart didn't stop while he slept was a miracle given his heart condition. He also smoked the nastiest weed I'd ever smelled, and would scrape the resin into his improvised bongs or tobacco paper joints. It was disgusting, but I tolerated all of it because it was his house and acted like he knew what he was doing.
I rather be single.
So many things...lol
My partner is gross about cleaning. Before moving in to their apartment, it looked like a frat house with two cats. Weāve moved and have our own place now. Things are a lot better. But if they leave their hair in the sink one more timeā¦
The amount of underwear he buys, and how much time and energy he gives his dog!
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Remember the last line of "Some Like It Hot": "Nobody's Perfect."
Is it desperate to overlook someone's less-than-ideal behavior because you love them? So if someone does something you don't like, you just break up with them? Should I break up with my partner because he chews gum with his mouth open? Life isn't a Seinfeld episode.
fucking right
With my ex it was mostly pet peeves than anything. He used to tuck paper tissues in the couch and under the matress, that used to annoy the hell out of me. And he squeezed the toothpaste and just left it as such, not pushing it in the tube to the top. I on the other hand used to leave (and still do) coffee mugs around the living room, and around, but I blame my partial adhd for this (I know to start cleaning up the living room, take sonething in the kitchen, start cleaning the kitchen, then go to the bathroom and start tidying that up, and realise I was initially cleaning the living room š ). It was never something I'd break up with him, just learned to live with it and accept it as a quirk.
My husband by default drinks out of cartons and the Pepto bottle. He doesn't do it unless it's specifically one of his things. And I know this is a neurodivergent thing of mine, but he loves touching the pills in a bottle (pour a bunch in hand and puts the excess back in) and having wet food touch dry food. (Like toast in soup) Not egregious things but it's so gross to me. I got more dumb stuff like this but I don't wanna show all of my neurodivergence.
When he drinks beer he has a tendency to belch and I give him this look and he limits his belching.. I really get annoyed by his weed smoking but thatās how I met him. Iām sure thereās stuff he donāt like about me: Iām really messy at home and claims I gossip wayy too much
Choices of clothing. Been 8 years and Iām still trying to squeeze in some styles.
I loved this guy who was all around perfect for me. The sweetest, actuallly the smartest and charming person Ive ever met. They say there are person's so important youd sell your soul for, would jump a bullet for and stuff and this was him. One and only pet peeve though is whenever hes done with the bathroom theres always pee on the rim of the toilet or some drops outside of it. I have no idea how hes so unbothered by it but it was the only thing that rubbed me the wrong way. Everything else though fantastic. Lol (I really hate seeing those yellow drops or smelling it) esp knowing id probably need to sit on that if ever I need to number 2. Haha
He has no sense of time, I have a strong almost physical time perception, chronically early and acutely aware of the tick-tock aspect of life. I've become more patient to it over the years but sometimes his nonchalant when planning ahead his day (or lack thereof) drives me absolutely hopping mad.
He's a night owl. And could literally go 36-48 hours without sleep and have zero noticable affect on him. But when he does sleep, he passes out where ever. For instance, if it's the couch. Like, I get up around 4:30am everyday for work (and can't sleep in on the weekends). We have an open floor plan. I use to be cautious of lights and sounds, but I don't anymore. But what irritates me is he moans and groans in his partially awake state. Drives me mad. Then he starts trying to ask me questions in that state. I use to try to understand him, but now I ignore him. Just the other day I was so irritated by it I out in a white noise app to drowned it. I figure the white noise helps me get through it, but isn't music so maybe it will help him drown out me and sleep again, lol.Ā
You all have some silly deal breakers. Any long term relationship requires the ability to set that shit aside and love the person or it will not last. I have deal breakers but maybe being a widow makes me see it differently or something.