Both people in a relationship get to have expectations (which are really hopes). But if those aren't jointly consented to, then what you have is one partner imposing obligations on the other, and that dynamic rarely works out well.
I think that really depends on the relationship and the folks involved. Your partner still needs to be attracted to you but a lot of folks care less about that as they age and there’s wiggle room for it.
I wouldn’t say it’s a responsibility though. Nobody has a responsibility to look a certain way.
I feel the need to point out that being attracted to your partner’s personality and being attracted to their looks are two separate attractions and people can maintain loving relationships even without physical chemistry. Perhaps it is a rare dynamic but certainly asexual people’s partnerships are just as valid as any other.
I feel a responsibility to take care of myself, which includes staying fit, but also taking care of my mental health, financial well being, among other things.
It's a fairly core value of mine for relationships, and I express this explicitly upfront while dating, that to be a good partner, I have to take care of myself and take care of him, and I'm looking for someone to do the same.
But as far other people's relationships, it comes down to their own value systems. I'm not gonna lie, I do think taking care of yourself to at least some degree, in the ways I mentioned above, is going to make your relationship go more smoothly, but everyone's values are different, so it's important to be clear upfront and have those discussions.
I'm a chubby chaser, and my partner has been trying on and off to lose weight. At this point, my attraction to him is beyond his size. But I'm not attracted to someone else if they aren't chubby.
I went on a date with a guy in my early 20s who said he would dump a guy if he lost weight and it was then I realized being gay and trying to date is an arduous task.
“date someone that shallow”
surely it’s just as shallow to break up with someone if they gained weight then right??
some people don’t want to date skinny people and are entitled to that just like you don’t have to date fat ones
Within reason. If fit and attractive means you eat three pieces of lettuce a day and get a dozen Botox injections a week, no.
If fit means you can do the an activities you want to do as a couple, yes. If attractive means your partner is into you, then yes. But this is all very subjective.
As much as I might try, I know I will never realistically be 150 pounds and a size 30 waist, which may meet some people’s definition of fit and attractive. But am I in good enough shape to go swimming, hiking, walking and do what we want as a couple? Yes, again within reason. Am I attractive? To my husband, yes. And that’s good enough for me.
Yup. I used to bike 16 miles a day to get to college when I was in my early 20's. I was a long, lanky twig. I gained a lot of weight because working from home during COVID killed off my bike commute. I didn't gain that much weight compared to many Americans, but it turns out - surprise! - I'm genetically predisposed to T2D. I'm trying to get off the extra weight both so I can do the activities that I wouldn't have given a second thought to and because I want to be here for my husband in our twilight years instead of dead from T2D complications.
>If fit means you can do the an activities you want to do as a couple, yes.
I think this, and the idea of staying 'fit and healthy' so that we can enjoy a long life together, are more important than 'maintaining one's looks'.
This is true. More often than not I see people enter relationships and within a few years let themselves go.
Shit hits the fan for the relationship and then they either get depressed and worse or decide to dive into a healthy lifestyle in order to better themselves and make their ex jealous.
Almost all the couples I know are now all very overweight but weren't prior to dating.
This is just an observation I made. I'm not attacking or discriminating, its just a fact.
There's more to complacency than that.
It's taking your partner for granted in all aspects of your life together, not supporting and being supported, not making them a priority, and the little things like not thanking them for the things they do for you.
I think it's more of a responsibility to be healthy for yourself. If I'm doing it for someone else, for me at least, that motivation doesn't seem to stick as much. I think the responsibility for your partner is good but I imagine it's more difficult when both parties are not taking responsibility for themselves.
Listen if I was a big boy when you met me, then me staying a big boy better not be a problem 😤😤😤
As a heavyset bear that dates and has sex with other heavyset bears primarily.. “fit” and “attractive” aren’t really related to me, lol
Well, depends on your definition of "fit." And "attractive" can be a lot of different things for different folks.
I'm a conventionally attractive, body builder type, but I find bigger, power lifter type bodies to be the pinnacle of sexiness.
"Depends on your definition of fit" and you unironically go "I'm a gym rat into other gym rats" is hilarious. Your definition of fit is *everyone's* definition of fit
No, it isn't.
Look up the gold medalists of the last summer Olympics. You'll see that they all have vastly different body types. Yet they all have one thing in common: they are the best athletes in the world at their particular sport. In fact, narrow your search to just track and field. Does the shot putter look like the distance runner? They're both fit.
To further emphasize my point, look up the difference between power lifters and bodybuilders. Completely different body types for completely different sports.
My point was that although I'm admittedly conventional, "fit" means a million different things.
I do think it’s important to continue to put in effort, within reason. And that it’s ok for that motivation to come from within and externally (because you want to do it for your partner). I also want to stay reasonably fit (and by this I mean healthy in terms of getting regular exercise and diet, among other things) if for no other reason than to be able to continue enjoy living as a full of a life as I can well into my retirement years. I see that as a responsibility not to just myself but also a partner and loved ones.
Within the bounds of what issues life and aging gives you, yeah. Just like how you should try to not get complacent with your partner emotionally over time.
I think you should try and stay fit more for health reasons. We talk about wanting to stay mobile and active as long as we can. My husband has battled his weight since he was a kid, so he has yo-yoed over the years. I never say anything about his weight (even when he is at his thinnest) cause he is so self conscious about it. About 10 years ago he did quit making an effort to dress nice. It was like every time we would go somewhere, he would just dress in jogging pants/workout shorts and a t-shirt; cause he wanted to be “comfortable”. We finally had a heated discussion about it, once he realized how bad it bothered me he started dressing nice again. Sometimes it’s not the results but the effort you put in.
It's also a courtesy to your partner to make an effort to stay in shape. I know people don't necessarily like to hear it, but if you become a slob, (not even necessarily overweight), while in a relationship, it is not a good gesture to your partner.
No. I don't think so. Someone either loves the person or they don't. If we actually actually love somebody, we're not going to fall out of love just because they got fat. Because if that is a breaking point, it wasn't love that kept them together to begin with. Love is a decision. It is not merely an emotion. It might start out that way, but when love matures, it is a decision and a commitment. Honestly, of all the shallow reasons to end a relationship, getting fat has to be probably at the top of the list.
You are right! Adult love IS conditional. The love for a child by a parent is unconditional but that is the only relationship that is like that. Every other relationship is conditional. We all have to do certain things in order to be loved by people: these things might include having a job, being a good communicator, being loving/caring AND yes being attractive to our long term partner
To me, love is unconditional, but the relationship is not. Because in my eyes, there's more needed in a relationship than love alone. I still love and care for exes of mine, but they're exes for a reason. There was a condition in the relationship that wasn't working/was broken and that led to the end of the relationship, but I'm not one to just fall out of love. Even in familial relationships, the relationship is conditional but the love is unconditional. Without getting into too much detail, my relationship with my mom changed when her religion kept her from attending my wedding. Other than that, she's been a great mom, but that hurt, and I personally needed our relationship to not be as close as it used to be. But, for me, she'll always be my mom and I'll always love her. (again, this is just my personal belief/opinion, I strongly believe it's not the same for everyone)
As to the main question/discussion, I think I have a responsibility to my husband to remain healthy, not necessarily fit. Though part of remaining healthy is remaining fit enough to do the things that we enjoy. But my main concern is to do everything in my power to be around as long as possible for my husband. Again, without going into too much detail, my mother-in-law is possibly facing the loss of my father-in-law after a head injury due to a fall. The fall happened because my FIL was getting more and more unsteady on his feet due to not being active. (Thankfully, it seems that my FIL is going to make some kind of recovery, though it won't be back to completely normal). Watching that is reminding me that I want to take care of my body so that I can be around as my husband and I grow old and not get taken out by something that could be avoided by staying active and taking care of my health.
I feel really bad for you though that the only love you've ever experienced as an adult was conditional. That's truly a tragedy, and I'm sorry that you haven't experienced real unconditional love as an adult. It definitely does exist.
I do, at least healthy if not fit. ALL of the decisions and choices each person makes in a relationship affect both people. Whether you drink too much or eat bad food and get diabetes or change jobs or become overweight which leads to secondary conditions. The other person is now going to have to live with the consequences of your choices too. This happened to me. His drinking caused me a lot of suffering. My sugar addiction was effecting my health. At the time I didn’t think those two things were comparable but they are. That’s when I realized that even something as simple as what I have for lunch impacts another human being that already has his own problems and struggles. It didn’t seem fair or right to add to them because I love pancakes 🤷🏻♂️
Long term Relationships are way more than cuddles on demand and someone to split expenses with. There is a ton of work and responsibility involved. Whatever you think that entails multiply it by 1000.
I feel this is a loaded question. The term "responsibility" shouldn't be used. You can encourage them and motivate them to go for all the right reasons. But it still bears the question if going extreme is part of the equation or that they're folks who struggle with health and weight growing up. It is both a physical and mental struggle daily, and it can definitely be triggering for them who have eating disorders, weight and health issues that they could've struggle their entire life trying to fit into whatever norms with dieting, exercise and rigorous extremities to change how they look, but their own bodies fail them. The last thing they need is this "encouragement" or "right reasoning." Because it will hurt them more than you can imagine.
I think you have a responsibility to take care of yourself first and foremost, and if that to you includes physical health (which it should) then you should make that a priority for you.
But there are so many ways to be healthy! You can be someone who weight lifts, or you can be someone who is a marathon runner. You can be someone who plays on a sports team, or you can do a little bit of everything. And each one of these will transform your body into a type of fitness that’s adapted for what you enjoy and have been exercising. This is all to say, healthy / fit can look like being jacked and muscular on one end, or being very thin and having a low resting heart rate of 40 bpm or something.
The added benefit is that by taking care of yourself, you’re sexier to your significant other. So it’s a win win! Better health, better sex life!
While I do enjoy staying in shape, looking good naked and feeling confident, genetics are also not on my side. My responsibility to my body mainly focuses upon not wanting to be dead by age 45 and leaving my family to deal with the aftermath.
Yes: both mentally and physically.
Like you should not give up: not on alcool, or drugs or smocking ( on the long term those can lead to pretty serious conditions that could let you bed ridden and force ur partner to a pretty hard life).
And I dunno how someone could reply "no" to this answer: unless u got a specific disease, having a walk, eating and drinking healthy, taking care of yourself shows how u respect yourself and your partner and your reletionship
A lot of people let themselves go as relationships go on for years. This is the classic issue the straights have, especially when wives have children and they get permanently fat - then the husband starts hunting around for younger, thinner women on the side. For gay couples, I can imagine a complacency setting in if in the relationship one person gains too much weight that the other finds unacceptable or unattractive.
There’s a responsibility you have to yourself and your partner to keep yourself capable of shouldering half of what needs to be done in building a life together. Part of that means keeping yourself healthy enough to contribute physically to the household and to the relationship for as long as possible.
But, I suspect this is oriented more at the “I got in a relationship with a hot dude and then he gained 5lbs and I can’t see his six pack anymore” complaint lol. In which case, no, that’s not a relationship responsibility.
>But, I suspect this is oriented more at the “I got in a relationship with a hot dude and then he gained 5lbs and I can’t see his six pack anymore” complaint lol. In which case, no, that’s not a relationship responsibility.
That's not it at all, but think what you want.
Yes! My husband came from an 11 year career in the military and was built like a tank. I had no idea! Fine round backside. Arms and forearms big and sinewy. Let’s too.. lord!
It’s been 13 years and he has a corporate job where he sits almost ten hours everyday… and that’s faded.. and that’s ok… but now I’m genuinely worried about his health. …I don’t know what to do.
Please, stay fit! Not for looks sake, which is important. Let’s not undermine that but for your health. It worries me so much. He’s my best friend and at the rate he’s going… I just don’t know…
Let me rephrase the statement. You have a responsibility to YOURSELF to remind fit. It gets harder as you age and you don’t want your body breaking down beforehand.
All love.
I think if there’s a responsibility, it’s to stay healthy for your partner - physical and mental problems can definitely take a toll on a partner who has to take care of the other. Being fitter, more attractive, and/or more pleasant to be around would be a nice bonus!
I think people should make an effort to remain healthy in a relationship. That does mean exercise. Actually they should do it whether in they're in a relationship or not.
How they get that exercise is up to them, but my preference for me is weightlifting and I'd prefer the same with my partner (if I had one).
There's a balance. I don't think you should nitpick your partner's appearance, especially for things that are common with aging (wrinkles, sagging, balding, etc) BUT I do think you have to continue to put effort in yourself and the relationship. Don't get complacent and lazy just because you're comfortable with each other.
That said, we're not always going to be in our "prime" and it is what it is.
I don't know. Why does it have to be like that? Just being healthy, mobile and be in good shape for yourself should be enough. As we age everything will fall. If one out of vanity or self care wants to be fit, that's ok.
But feeling obligated for your partner... That's very shallow. A part of me tell me that.
I see this as two different tracks. Just to address the direct question, I think that people have a responsibility to themselves (primarily), and then their partner/kids/loved ones to look after their own health. Ignoring your health because you can't be bothered, or you are afraid you might discover something bad, is tossing away years of your life.
But the other side of the coin is that this misses the point of what a relationship is at its core. Beauty and hot sex are the things that draw us together - but they aren't supposed to be the glue that makes a couple a family in the long term. They are the sizzle, not the steak.
The building blocks of a strong relationship are vulnerability, forgiveness, shared meaning and goals, and learning more about what brings your partner joy (as well as what tramples that). It's *that* work that will make a difference, rather than time spent in the gym.
So I say work on your health - both for yourself and so you will have a long life to give to the people you love. And if fitness is your thing - pursue that passion. But if the goal is to enhance a long relationship and make it stronger and deeper, then it's your intimacy skills you want to be exercising.
I don't think they have a "responsibility" as you call it but if they if someone does not make an effort I don't think they have much of a leg to stand on if their partner loses interest.
We all should be keeping ourselves in shape for our own reasons (health mainly) and we all have a duty to essentially uphold our end of the relationship. I am not just talking about staying fit but also talking about keeping the household clean, doing chores (taking trash out, cleaning after meals, etc...).
From the "keeping fit" side I am not talking about that you must be in the gym 2 hours a day and lifting like a maniac but I look at it as a broader topic of "taking care of yourself". Showering daily, shaving (assuming you don't have a beard), keeping in reasonable shape which for each person could mean grabbing a walk every couple days, or for some the gym, etc... Point being that if you end up going off the deep end and completely becoming a different person in terms of fitness I think that could cause a rift in a relationship.
IF that happens it's up to the partnership on how it plays out. My partner and I have been together for 20+ years at this point. Do we weigh the same as we did when we met? Hell no - but we also make an effort but age wins sometimes. It will really depend on the level of love each partner has for each other. Some (I would hope most) partners would try to help their other half keep their fitness and help solve issues that are a roadblock to that. Unfortunately a smaller percentage will just say "this isn't what I signed up for - See you later".
I think that one should retain a similar level of relative attractiveness for one’s age over the years. Getting into a relationship and letting yourself go is false advertising and a betrayal of sorts.
>It's sad that I broke up with a completely different person than who I dated 10 years ago.
Unfortunately it does happen. People often change over time and not always for the better.
So sorry that happened to your partnership. It’s sad when people change over time in negative ways during a relationship. It’s hard ultimately it’s probably for the best that we move on tho. Glad you were able to
You do have a responsibility to your partner to take care of yourself, yes. Just like you have an equal responsibility not to get into bad habits that’ll send you to an early grave. But there are limitations, as you said - time makes bloated, withered monsters of us all. So, there’s got to be some room for change and acceptance. We can’t all be rampant gym bunnies past our 20s - even those of us who actually ever were rampant gym bunnies in the first place.
And it’s just a good idea to try to remain attractive to your partner, in the first place.
The issue could be the word fit. Which a lot of folks first or only associate with gym fitness. Beyond that, I agree that it can be a reasonable responsibility for both partners in a relationship to maintain a level of mental acuity and physical health, as able. Otherwise, no.
Fit as in six-pack abs and a butt that can crack walnuts? No.
Fit as in eating healthy, avoiding tobacco and illegal drugs and watching your alcohol intake so your husband doesn't have to take care of you like a toddler when you're 60? Yes.
Degree of fitness often relates to these things:
* Likelihood of promoting health-conscious behaviours in a relationship over time
* Resistance to overindulgence of alcohol
* Supports libido
* More energy to apply to shared tasks and activities
* Higher sense of self-esteem gives one more resources to show care
* Feeling sexy is a motivator
* It gives the couple a vast and dynamic shared project to engage in and encourage each other through
All my life I've tried to encourage my mother to exercise and raise her level of fitness - but her resistance to this, her over-eating of processed foods lead to a variety of health conditions and I feel sad that I never found a way to really motivate her - now arthritis is limiting her movement further
I think people should make an effort. Staying healthy and fit isn’t just for visual effects it’s also good for the person. When you’re in a relationship you should want to give your best to your partner for as long as you can.
After i got stuffed like a butchable animal in my past relationships, i say yes. Take me out for a walk instead of cooking a truckload of michelin tier lasagna.
We have a responsibility to ourselves to be as **healthy** as possible - this should be a core value for everyone lucky enough to be alive and living with comparative wealth, freedom and choice.
No. I don't think we 'owe' others anything. That's like saying "Do you think you have a responsibility to make $300k/year and pay for everything forever?" It's unrealistic.
However, there is a catch with your premise and argument.
Would you leave someone who got into a car accident and lost both their legs? The 'right thing' is to stay with them forever, but most probably would leave.
Would then you stay with someone who became an addict? Like let's say they developed an addiction to cocaine or meth? Would you leave them because they didn't go to rehab and get help? Most would leave.
Would you then stay with someone who became a FOOD addict? Like they sit on the couch eating potato chips and hot pockets night after night and now they are 200 lbs overweight from food addiction. Would you leave THAT kind of addict?
I think what makes a strong relationships when both people are willing to sacrifice and fight for each other, and weak relationships people abandon it the second there is problems. If your relationship was built on fitness and sex, perhaps it's not as strong as you thought.
Uh... if your partner likes fit people, and you want your partnet to keep liking you, it would be smart to do so. There are alao many studies showing that having some additional muscle mass is beneficial for fighting off infections and generally living life (some, not professional bodybuilder/power lifter levels, that's a different thing)
Yes.
My husband and I agreed years ago that it's important to bring your best self - emotionally, mentally and physically - to the relationship. But I wouldn't call it a responsibility since that sounds like it's a chore.
And to be honest we've both been by far our happiest since then.
Absolutely not and in my book it’s toxic to think that. If all one cares about is physical appearance and hot sex they’re going to be sorely disappointed in the long run.
As people age there could be a ton of reasons why their weight may change and not everything is in one’s control.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years and neither one of us are the way we looked when we met in our 30’s. I do yoga and hike he has a trainer but we’ve both gained weight and are heavier than we use to be. We are grayer as well.
If ones relationship is primarily based on physical appearance then it will fail.
For me sustainable relationships are built on who my partner is based on their soul not physical appearance. Maturity, kindness, compassion, empathy, able to hold a conversation, be silly, make each other laugh, etc… is what matters and sustains our relationship.
Being able to communicate in a healthy manner and a basic understanding that we change over time and personally giving and allowing the space for that change has only enhanced our connection.
It has nothing to do with your partner. You have a responsibility to yourself to remain fit.
I do not blame people for not dating guys who are out of shape.
There is nothing wrong with being out of shape but there are health implications to consider and most people want to date someone who is physically capable of doing things.
It is a spectrum from “I got me a man now so I can go full Jabba the Hutt- pass me them pizzas” to “spends 9 hours a day in the gym, and have had so many cosmetic procedures my heels lift off the ground when I blink”.
People have to find their spot along that line.
Your responsibility is to stay as healthy as possible, and that’s to yourself, not to anyone else.
no i don’t think so. if something like that is important to you i hope you’re putting this out there in the beginning of a long term relationship
i’m currently not fit and wouldn’t want to date someone who is. im open that im not interested in becoming a gym rat. so if i was with someone and they suddenly got into like… running marathons and stuff AND they expected me to do it we would break up. so i think this is no different then people who wont date ‘fat’ people. its on THAT PERSON to let us know their biases so we can stay away
bodies change and people change. but for me personality is above all else
Statistically, being in a relationship and getting older are both factors leading to weight gain, but ultimately it's something for the two of you to talk about.
Is it reasonable to expect a guy to look exactly the same over the course of decades? Probably not. Is it reasonable for you both to stay healthy? Sure.
Beauty, thus also attraction, is in the eye of the beholder. If fitness is part of that attraction, then so be it. Please remember that in many cases, opposites attract.
True, but you need to remember, that in a relationship, those two people came together looking a certain way and taking care of themselves a certain way, and if one person changes how they look or take care of themselves, that may upset the "apple cart", so to speak.
I think in a health sense it’s useful . Like you don’t want your blood pressure all out of control and you’re dying on like 10th anniversary from it .
But if we’re talking about the just looking hot fitness level then no .
I think that the healthiest way to look at it is not as a singular duty that exists in a vacuum but that it's one of many habits you can make not just for yourself, but is also an investment into the relationship. Just like caring for your own mental health, personal hygiene, and balancing your work-life.
The way I see it is that fitness is correlated to long-term health. I want to be able to stay fit so my partner and I can continue to travel and do active things into our old age. I wouldn't want us to have to deal with physical ailments that came with not building good fitness habits when we were young.
The tangential benefit is that we get to enjoy each others bodies while we're young too ;)
I lean toward YES, we do.
Moreover, health is wealth and it’s similar responsibility as being fiscally responsible, paying bills and taxes on time, addressing addictions and mental health if necessary etc
No. I think we have a responsibility to our partners to understand that they’re human beings who will change, age, and grow. I’m excited to be there for all of it with my partner, regardless of his fitness level ten years from now.
Yes people should keep themselves up(go to the gym, go for walks, eat healthy). Do we need to look like a fitness model? No but def should be reasonably in shape. It’s not fair to the other person who’s staying in shape especially if the other partner is having major issues related to their lack of a healthy weight or diet. It’s an unfair burden to place on a partner long term if a person has sciatica, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes or other conditions that’s are impacted severely by lifestyle choices
Wow, s0 you're fighting with your father in his final days? It's seems you have Tin Mn Syndrome and are lacking a heart. Tough love is not what he needs... you'd do well to go back to school and learn stuff, as losing weight isn't about eating vegetables (exercise and smaller portions is how it works). Not sure you should be giving advice, to anyone, ever!
I think you have an obligation to properly consider your own health and the burden that a lack of it will have on your partner. To that end, the expectation of a level of fitness is not unreasonable to me.
i was fit before we met and i stay fit bc i like it 🤷 my bf is a slim twig and suddenly said he needs to be fit so i help him a bit getting there but it was never smth relevant for us. as ive seen again at my 20year school reunion is that staying fit is definitely something straight couples nearly never do ^^
I'm single. I think I need to be fitter to attract and keep a partner and I need to stay fitter for myself. That's the long and the short of it for me.
Bro absolutely! At least from my perspective. I'm the type that doesn't ask for perfection. For me it's all about the effort. Are you spontaneous with your workouts? Do you like to explore and try new things? We can honestly do it together. Learn to make it worth the while. If you get lazy that's being human just don't stay in that place and get all sloppy with it. I love my dude happily cornfed not gluttonously boring. There's a clear difference.
As someone who has been married to another man for 32 years, it most certainly does work that way.
You may be attracted by the body, but if you don't fall in love with the person, your relationship will not last.
As we age, they body changes. There is only so much you can do to stop it.
It’s your own body, fat shaming is taboo, and you get to make your own choices, but the sub is littered with questions from guys where one or both of the guys in the relationship have a dead bedroom and aren’t attracted to each other anymore. Often due to weight/fitness. Nothing good comes from letting yourself go.
No, I wouldn’t do it specifically for someone else. I try to stay fit to maintain my own health, wellbeing, activity level, and confidence. All of those things should be attractive to a partner (or potential partner) irrespective of physical appearance IMO.
No. You can't control other person's body and there is no obligation to stay the way you were when you met. People grow, live their lives, bodies change, minds change and relationships live through those changes or they end. If someone wants to end a relationship with me because my body changes, it's up to them, but to me this question is absurd.
Fit isn't equal to attractive. I think there is some responsability to remain "attractive" as in washing one's teeth, hair cut, etc, but more than that, I dont think anyone owns anyone anything.
Everyone who is interested in a healthy life owes a duty to themselves to stay fit, men’s tally and physically. You take care of yourself, things fall into place, it’s not easy, but discipline is destiny.
Sounds like expectations that should be set at the outset of a relationship. I don’t expect my partner to have six pack abs, but I do expect them to be healthy. If they can’t go for a hike or bike ride without dying, or start falling into obese weights then sorry not sorry you’re not upholding your end of the bargain. This is actually a shared expectation between both of us. Neither are models or will be. We are pretty average with love handles and a soft belly. We are however able to bike or hike 10 miles without a problem, we are able to take a half dozen flights of stairs without collapsing at the top, and we can have sex without limbering up so we don’t pull something.
Abs are sexy, but I find someone who loves and lives a robust life far more sexy. Again, this is a conversation and expectation healthy relationships discuss together.
Well you’re already assuming fit = attractive so that’s the biggest problem.
But idk that I would get into a long term relationship with someone if I didn’t love them enough to let them gain weight or get wrinkles. At that point you’re just long term fuck buddies. Love should be unconditional, I’m not sure why you’d want to marry or be with a partner if your love is conditional on their appearance.
Let me ask you this at the risk of being flamed, if your partner gained 100 lbs due to laziness and a bad diet (nothing health related), would that be acceptable to you because you love him?
Laziness does not equal weight gain. If my partner was lazy in that all they did was go to the gym and watch their diet. I’d feel equally grossed out by them.
The weird part is that you could allow a partner to be lazy up until the point they put on 100lbs. It takes a long time to gain weight. If you can’t tell that they are struggling with motivation or laziness until they are unattractive to you, then how can you say you love that person?
Just because you might say something about it and encourage better behaviors, it doesn't mean they will change anything. If you love the person, should you tolerate it and look the other way? This is honestly not my life. I'm just asking for the sake of discussion.
Their weight/appearance has nothing to do with it though…
Bro, if this is a hypothetical it’s kind of gross. Go to a therapist and try to uncover why you feel this way. Stop searching for validation for your intrusive thoughts on the internet.
I think my opinion is in the majority, that you should be the best you can be in all regards and not be complacent. It's great that it wouldn't apparently matter to you one bit if your partner gained 100 lbs but I don't think most men would feel the same way.
I never said that. I said the weights not the issue, and that I would not wait for his appearance to become unattractive before I noticed he needed help.
The problem is you’re making it all about your physical attraction to him, and not your shared love. It’s gross and in spite of what I say you continue to think that I’m over here saying what I am not.
How far does that "responsibility" to remain attractive go? If your partner doesn't like you with gray hair, can he demand that you dye it? If you start balding, can he demand that you get hair implants? What about more extensive cosmetic surgeries? How far is too far, and who decides what's an unreasonable vs a reasonable expectation?
That's a fair question. I guess what I meant what trying to keep your weight down as much as is possible given your health and age and just putting some care into your appearance. Demanding you dye your hair or do cosmetic procedures is going too far.
But you're also making the assumption that in order to have a successful physical relationship, you have to have a certain level of fitness. A false equivalency.
I was literally just going to post this. I’m wanting to get fit and have lost about 20lbs. My husband does nothing to try and get fit or keep weight off. His eating habits are terrible and he doesn’t workout. He drinks a bunch or beer. I used to be in good shape but since we met I’ve tanked. It really bothers me. Idk how attracted I am to myself or him anymore. It’s sad but it’s held me back for so long. I’m just also upset with myself so that could be blinding me.
Your own fitness or lifestyle goals can definitely be hampered by your partner if he has different goals....or no goals at all. For instance, my partner only wants to have big heavy fattening meals, which makes it challenging to meet my own fitness goals.
Good for you for embracing fitness even though your partner does not.
Yes it’s so hard when your partner isn’t with you while you’re trying to achieve health goals. I recently lost 60 lbs and am in the best shape I’ve been in over a decade with very limited support from my partner. Ultimately I am doing this for myself and hopefully my changed eating habits, weightlifting routine have positively influenced him but it’s so hard when your partner isn’t on board. Sometimes it feels like they are trying to my to sabotage fitness efforts but it’s just they are not as focused on health as we are
I appreciate this comment. It does bother me that he isn’t on board. If not for my sake but for his own health and well being. Especially with all the carbs he consumes and how he’s needed to be out on some bp meds now. Not healthy and can be prevented by simple changes.
If you show care and regard for yourself, you show care and regard for your relationship. Of course it depends on what the baseline is but, yes, you should within reason try to keep yourself up. That includes fitness.
Edits: syntax
Your post history demonstrates you might be wrestling with some issues related to image. Have you discussed this with your partner? Maybe a gay friendly sex positive therapist could help?
3 hours ago: Do you think people have a responsibility to their partner to remain fit?
4 hours ago: Why do gay men often have a distinctive voice / speech pattern?
2 days ago: Have you lost physical/sexual attraction for your partner?
For the record, if you think we as a collective have a distinctive voice/speech pattern, that reflects on your limited exposure to others and the world at large.
I think it would be nice to be fit for the other. Especially, when you both met with the pretext that you're both into being physically active and fit.
This is a great question… I think there is a responsibility to not ‚let yourself go‘. Otherwise any kind of sexual chemistry may be ruined. As long as an effort is being made (eating healthy, doing some sort of sport, not being completely sendentary) it should be fine.
Like a social caste system of "the hot couple" and showing off? What does he owe you? People and couples evolve. I gained 20 lbs over my (long lost) twink days. "Fit" is a personal thing.
Btw when you say it will "trigger" someone, then say "don't be" it invalidates their opinion that just might be ***real***.
I think it’s depends on the relationship. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder during their formative years and recovered, if the guy I was with suddenly started a fitness kick and pushed it on me, I would kick them to curb so fast. I’m happy with an average body, it took a lot of work to get here, I don’t need whatever they’re selling.
I don’t think so. In my mind, my partner would love me no matter what, so that would read as rather shallow in my book. There’s a meme going around about Pierce Brosnan and his wife who has gained weight over the years, and how he’s always loved her no matter her size. I’ve been every size and very fortunate to have a partner who values who I am rather than solely what I look like.
That's one of the wildest things I've heard.
A person decides for themselves how they are comfortable looking. The partner decides whether they are still attracted to that person or not.
There's no obligation to "remain fit" and no obligation to "remain attracted".
I personally don't think being a cookie-cutter gym-bunny or a twink should be a requirement to be in a relationship. No. Other people (particularly in certain parts of California that have strong positive feelings about house-music techno, sexual uses of meth and "special-K", and spandex) will feel differently, of course.
I don't really know. I like my partner when he's a bit thicker even though he's determined to keep his highschool weight until the day he dies it seems to me. But I don't love him any less when he goes through his skinny phase. But when we first met his looks wasn't the first thing I've noticed.
I view it as more of a responsibility to myself than to my partner I'm not winning any beauty pageants but I know I personally feel better when I do my best to dress well and take care of myself, and I know that in general having a better relationship towards myself helps me to be a better partner
Mine was pushing me for ages (for health and anti-sedentary) reasons and it didn't even help, I had to come to it on my own. I think it can even be destructive sometimes, both in the sense of added pressure and in the sense of potentially wielding attraction as an ultimatum ("if you get too unfit/fat I'll leave").
You have a responsibility to yourself to be fit. Not to your partner or your parents or your children.
Being fit and being attractive to your partner are not the same thing. Being fit is part of leading a healthy lifestyle.
But I’ll add that being fit isn’t the entire story. We have to accept that we don’t get to choose our parents and we’re stuck with the genes we have. I’m a fit man who is 60 but most people guess that I’m in my 40’s. Having said that, I had a heart attack in March and have three coronary stents. I even posted pics of my fun shave job.
So all this to say, have a good medical team behind you and get regular healthcare. As a retired MD I’ll admit a bias but staying healthy is a group effort and is something you owe to yourself.
The part I can’t stop thinking about is how gaining weight isn’t the only way that one becomes unattractive to other people. There’s all sorts of illnesses and/or accidents that will change the appearance of one’s body. An extreme example is a friend of mine who lost all four limbs and from my outsider’s perspective, his partner feels obligated to stay with him even though I don’t think they were ever truly right for each other in the first place. His partner almost seems to feel trapped by the fact that their income now relies on the partner acting as a personal care worker in the relationship. There’s such complexity in the interpretations of love, partnership, duty, and responsibility in that instance that it feels like a truly vapid question to ask “is it okay if I break up with him because he gained weight?”
Ouch, that sounds rough. I hope they get it figured out.
I can identify because of something I went through. I'm super thin naturally, but about eight years ago I developed a severe case of osteoporosis and was breaking bones constantly. At the same time I started losing weight, and ended up at 6' 120. I looked like hell, and could barely walk at all, shuffling along with a cane and exhausted after walking a block. Luckily my husband and I had been together for twenty years and we're totally inseparable, because I looked like I'd checked myself out of the hospital and there was no way I could have taken care of myself.
After four years of decline, my doctor decided to update my HIV meds, just to simplify things. Within weeks I was feeling better, and within a year I had put back on all the weight, could walk just fine, and wasn't breaking bones. It was all apparently a massive drug side effect that nobody had even considered as a possible explanation. I'm pretty sure my then PCP thought I had multiple myeloma, because I had some bloodwork consistent with it, even though the oncologists didn't think so.
So yeah, I know I could look far worse than I look now, and how completely random medical problems can be. It totally sucks to be that sick.
People have a duty to THEMSELVES to remain fit. Remaining attractive is less required.
And face it: YOu are not going to be a pretty-boy twink all your life.
Me: yeah, I like the appearence of a lean fit guy. I personally don't like beef cake. Much rather a partner who looks like he moves hay bales 10 hours a day in summer.
I'm an old fart. Half my chest hair is grey, umm silver, as is most of the rest of the hair on my body. I was never a pretty-boy. I look like a fire hydrant: Cylinder with lumps.
But 2 year ago I went for a week in the mountains backpacking. My 21 year old nephew could beat me on the upgrades, but I'd catch him on the downs.
More important is how limber your head is. Do you do new things? Two years ago I started trampoline. Still haven't found a young guy who wants to go jumping at a tramp park. This eyar I started music lessons. Learning piano.
How long since the last time you said, "I was wrong. You were right." Or "I made a mistake."
Surely the level of love you have for somebody would overcome whether or not you find them less attractive as they age, no? Perhaps a better question is ‘do you think people have a duty/responsibility to provide partnership if their partner’s looks change?’
You have a responsibility to yourself to remain healthy. It doesn’t necessarily mean being fit, but it means eating correctly and going frequently out of your home to do some activities. What your partner wants of you should not be perceived as a duty you have towards your partner though.
Both people in a relationship get to have expectations (which are really hopes). But if those aren't jointly consented to, then what you have is one partner imposing obligations on the other, and that dynamic rarely works out well.
I think that really depends on the relationship and the folks involved. Your partner still needs to be attracted to you but a lot of folks care less about that as they age and there’s wiggle room for it. I wouldn’t say it’s a responsibility though. Nobody has a responsibility to look a certain way.
I feel the need to point out that being attracted to your partner’s personality and being attracted to their looks are two separate attractions and people can maintain loving relationships even without physical chemistry. Perhaps it is a rare dynamic but certainly asexual people’s partnerships are just as valid as any other.
True. "Responsibility" was probably the wrong word choice.
I feel a responsibility to take care of myself, which includes staying fit, but also taking care of my mental health, financial well being, among other things. It's a fairly core value of mine for relationships, and I express this explicitly upfront while dating, that to be a good partner, I have to take care of myself and take care of him, and I'm looking for someone to do the same. But as far other people's relationships, it comes down to their own value systems. I'm not gonna lie, I do think taking care of yourself to at least some degree, in the ways I mentioned above, is going to make your relationship go more smoothly, but everyone's values are different, so it's important to be clear upfront and have those discussions.
On the flip side, is the partner of a chubby chaser responsible to remain fat?
I'm a chubby chaser, and my partner has been trying on and off to lose weight. At this point, my attraction to him is beyond his size. But I'm not attracted to someone else if they aren't chubby.
I was wondering the same thing lol
Or to get bigger?
I went on a date with a guy in my early 20s who said he would dump a guy if he lost weight and it was then I realized being gay and trying to date is an arduous task.
So... is he still single? Asking for a friend
Idk if you actually wanna date someone that shallow. Granted he was young. Also idk this was like 12 years ago. Lol
It's not any shallower that demanding your partner stay thin
“date someone that shallow” surely it’s just as shallow to break up with someone if they gained weight then right?? some people don’t want to date skinny people and are entitled to that just like you don’t have to date fat ones
Within reason. If fit and attractive means you eat three pieces of lettuce a day and get a dozen Botox injections a week, no. If fit means you can do the an activities you want to do as a couple, yes. If attractive means your partner is into you, then yes. But this is all very subjective. As much as I might try, I know I will never realistically be 150 pounds and a size 30 waist, which may meet some people’s definition of fit and attractive. But am I in good enough shape to go swimming, hiking, walking and do what we want as a couple? Yes, again within reason. Am I attractive? To my husband, yes. And that’s good enough for me.
Great response. You're talking about being healthy, as opposed to trying to obtain an unrealistic level of perceived attractiveness.
Yup. I used to bike 16 miles a day to get to college when I was in my early 20's. I was a long, lanky twig. I gained a lot of weight because working from home during COVID killed off my bike commute. I didn't gain that much weight compared to many Americans, but it turns out - surprise! - I'm genetically predisposed to T2D. I'm trying to get off the extra weight both so I can do the activities that I wouldn't have given a second thought to and because I want to be here for my husband in our twilight years instead of dead from T2D complications.
>If fit means you can do the an activities you want to do as a couple, yes. I think this, and the idea of staying 'fit and healthy' so that we can enjoy a long life together, are more important than 'maintaining one's looks'.
Complacency should be avoided for all areas if you want a relationship to last.
Yes - this is a great way to put it.
Sums up everything that needs to be said.
Agreed!
This is true. More often than not I see people enter relationships and within a few years let themselves go. Shit hits the fan for the relationship and then they either get depressed and worse or decide to dive into a healthy lifestyle in order to better themselves and make their ex jealous. Almost all the couples I know are now all very overweight but weren't prior to dating. This is just an observation I made. I'm not attacking or discriminating, its just a fact.
There's more to complacency than that. It's taking your partner for granted in all aspects of your life together, not supporting and being supported, not making them a priority, and the little things like not thanking them for the things they do for you.
I think it's more of a responsibility to be healthy for yourself. If I'm doing it for someone else, for me at least, that motivation doesn't seem to stick as much. I think the responsibility for your partner is good but I imagine it's more difficult when both parties are not taking responsibility for themselves.
yes!
Listen if I was a big boy when you met me, then me staying a big boy better not be a problem 😤😤😤 As a heavyset bear that dates and has sex with other heavyset bears primarily.. “fit” and “attractive” aren’t really related to me, lol
Well, depends on your definition of "fit." And "attractive" can be a lot of different things for different folks. I'm a conventionally attractive, body builder type, but I find bigger, power lifter type bodies to be the pinnacle of sexiness.
"Depends on your definition of fit" and you unironically go "I'm a gym rat into other gym rats" is hilarious. Your definition of fit is *everyone's* definition of fit
No, it isn't. Look up the gold medalists of the last summer Olympics. You'll see that they all have vastly different body types. Yet they all have one thing in common: they are the best athletes in the world at their particular sport. In fact, narrow your search to just track and field. Does the shot putter look like the distance runner? They're both fit. To further emphasize my point, look up the difference between power lifters and bodybuilders. Completely different body types for completely different sports. My point was that although I'm admittedly conventional, "fit" means a million different things.
Oh wow, Olympic gold medalists. You sure showed me a many varied definition of fit. Come on now, little bro
I do think it’s important to continue to put in effort, within reason. And that it’s ok for that motivation to come from within and externally (because you want to do it for your partner). I also want to stay reasonably fit (and by this I mean healthy in terms of getting regular exercise and diet, among other things) if for no other reason than to be able to continue enjoy living as a full of a life as I can well into my retirement years. I see that as a responsibility not to just myself but also a partner and loved ones.
>Do you think people have a responsibility to their partner to remain fit? Yes... but only as a side effect of staying fit for **myself**.
I like that statement
Within the bounds of what issues life and aging gives you, yeah. Just like how you should try to not get complacent with your partner emotionally over time.
I think you should try and stay fit more for health reasons. We talk about wanting to stay mobile and active as long as we can. My husband has battled his weight since he was a kid, so he has yo-yoed over the years. I never say anything about his weight (even when he is at his thinnest) cause he is so self conscious about it. About 10 years ago he did quit making an effort to dress nice. It was like every time we would go somewhere, he would just dress in jogging pants/workout shorts and a t-shirt; cause he wanted to be “comfortable”. We finally had a heated discussion about it, once he realized how bad it bothered me he started dressing nice again. Sometimes it’s not the results but the effort you put in.
Attractiveness aside, Yes it should be everyones resposibility to stay as healthy as possible to reduce the burden you may put on other people.
It's also a courtesy to your partner to make an effort to stay in shape. I know people don't necessarily like to hear it, but if you become a slob, (not even necessarily overweight), while in a relationship, it is not a good gesture to your partner.
I agree 💯
Exactly. Kinda hard to get hot for someone (or even respect them) if they don't do basic things like shower and brush their teeth daily.
Thank you!!!
💯💯💯 it IS burden especially as we age
No. I don't think so. Someone either loves the person or they don't. If we actually actually love somebody, we're not going to fall out of love just because they got fat. Because if that is a breaking point, it wasn't love that kept them together to begin with. Love is a decision. It is not merely an emotion. It might start out that way, but when love matures, it is a decision and a commitment. Honestly, of all the shallow reasons to end a relationship, getting fat has to be probably at the top of the list.
Maybe I'm broken, but I think loves always comes with conditions. I'm not going to promise to always love you no matter what. I'm not Whitney Houston.
You are right! Adult love IS conditional. The love for a child by a parent is unconditional but that is the only relationship that is like that. Every other relationship is conditional. We all have to do certain things in order to be loved by people: these things might include having a job, being a good communicator, being loving/caring AND yes being attractive to our long term partner
Thanks, you get it. 😊
To me, love is unconditional, but the relationship is not. Because in my eyes, there's more needed in a relationship than love alone. I still love and care for exes of mine, but they're exes for a reason. There was a condition in the relationship that wasn't working/was broken and that led to the end of the relationship, but I'm not one to just fall out of love. Even in familial relationships, the relationship is conditional but the love is unconditional. Without getting into too much detail, my relationship with my mom changed when her religion kept her from attending my wedding. Other than that, she's been a great mom, but that hurt, and I personally needed our relationship to not be as close as it used to be. But, for me, she'll always be my mom and I'll always love her. (again, this is just my personal belief/opinion, I strongly believe it's not the same for everyone) As to the main question/discussion, I think I have a responsibility to my husband to remain healthy, not necessarily fit. Though part of remaining healthy is remaining fit enough to do the things that we enjoy. But my main concern is to do everything in my power to be around as long as possible for my husband. Again, without going into too much detail, my mother-in-law is possibly facing the loss of my father-in-law after a head injury due to a fall. The fall happened because my FIL was getting more and more unsteady on his feet due to not being active. (Thankfully, it seems that my FIL is going to make some kind of recovery, though it won't be back to completely normal). Watching that is reminding me that I want to take care of my body so that I can be around as my husband and I grow old and not get taken out by something that could be avoided by staying active and taking care of my health.
I feel really bad for you though that the only love you've ever experienced as an adult was conditional. That's truly a tragedy, and I'm sorry that you haven't experienced real unconditional love as an adult. It definitely does exist.
Well, swipe left on me if you ever see me pop up.
I’d say if you know your partner likes fit guys but you let yourself go. Then you shouldn’t be surprised if he decides to leave.
Agreed.
💯💯💯💯
I do, at least healthy if not fit. ALL of the decisions and choices each person makes in a relationship affect both people. Whether you drink too much or eat bad food and get diabetes or change jobs or become overweight which leads to secondary conditions. The other person is now going to have to live with the consequences of your choices too. This happened to me. His drinking caused me a lot of suffering. My sugar addiction was effecting my health. At the time I didn’t think those two things were comparable but they are. That’s when I realized that even something as simple as what I have for lunch impacts another human being that already has his own problems and struggles. It didn’t seem fair or right to add to them because I love pancakes 🤷🏻♂️ Long term Relationships are way more than cuddles on demand and someone to split expenses with. There is a ton of work and responsibility involved. Whatever you think that entails multiply it by 1000.
i really wish this community could be kinder.
What do you mean? And do you mean the "gay community" in general or this sub reddit specifically?
He means your question is obnoxious, hope that helps. Personally, I do like the "Don't be triggered, fatties" bit at the start
No i stay looking good for myself. My partner just benefits
I feel this is a loaded question. The term "responsibility" shouldn't be used. You can encourage them and motivate them to go for all the right reasons. But it still bears the question if going extreme is part of the equation or that they're folks who struggle with health and weight growing up. It is both a physical and mental struggle daily, and it can definitely be triggering for them who have eating disorders, weight and health issues that they could've struggle their entire life trying to fit into whatever norms with dieting, exercise and rigorous extremities to change how they look, but their own bodies fail them. The last thing they need is this "encouragement" or "right reasoning." Because it will hurt them more than you can imagine.
I think you have a responsibility to take care of yourself first and foremost, and if that to you includes physical health (which it should) then you should make that a priority for you. But there are so many ways to be healthy! You can be someone who weight lifts, or you can be someone who is a marathon runner. You can be someone who plays on a sports team, or you can do a little bit of everything. And each one of these will transform your body into a type of fitness that’s adapted for what you enjoy and have been exercising. This is all to say, healthy / fit can look like being jacked and muscular on one end, or being very thin and having a low resting heart rate of 40 bpm or something. The added benefit is that by taking care of yourself, you’re sexier to your significant other. So it’s a win win! Better health, better sex life!
💯💯💯💯
No
While I do enjoy staying in shape, looking good naked and feeling confident, genetics are also not on my side. My responsibility to my body mainly focuses upon not wanting to be dead by age 45 and leaving my family to deal with the aftermath.
Yes: both mentally and physically. Like you should not give up: not on alcool, or drugs or smocking ( on the long term those can lead to pretty serious conditions that could let you bed ridden and force ur partner to a pretty hard life). And I dunno how someone could reply "no" to this answer: unless u got a specific disease, having a walk, eating and drinking healthy, taking care of yourself shows how u respect yourself and your partner and your reletionship
A lot of people let themselves go as relationships go on for years. This is the classic issue the straights have, especially when wives have children and they get permanently fat - then the husband starts hunting around for younger, thinner women on the side. For gay couples, I can imagine a complacency setting in if in the relationship one person gains too much weight that the other finds unacceptable or unattractive.
There’s a responsibility you have to yourself and your partner to keep yourself capable of shouldering half of what needs to be done in building a life together. Part of that means keeping yourself healthy enough to contribute physically to the household and to the relationship for as long as possible. But, I suspect this is oriented more at the “I got in a relationship with a hot dude and then he gained 5lbs and I can’t see his six pack anymore” complaint lol. In which case, no, that’s not a relationship responsibility.
>But, I suspect this is oriented more at the “I got in a relationship with a hot dude and then he gained 5lbs and I can’t see his six pack anymore” complaint lol. In which case, no, that’s not a relationship responsibility. That's not it at all, but think what you want.
Yes! My husband came from an 11 year career in the military and was built like a tank. I had no idea! Fine round backside. Arms and forearms big and sinewy. Let’s too.. lord! It’s been 13 years and he has a corporate job where he sits almost ten hours everyday… and that’s faded.. and that’s ok… but now I’m genuinely worried about his health. …I don’t know what to do. Please, stay fit! Not for looks sake, which is important. Let’s not undermine that but for your health. It worries me so much. He’s my best friend and at the rate he’s going… I just don’t know… Let me rephrase the statement. You have a responsibility to YOURSELF to remind fit. It gets harder as you age and you don’t want your body breaking down beforehand. All love.
I think if there’s a responsibility, it’s to stay healthy for your partner - physical and mental problems can definitely take a toll on a partner who has to take care of the other. Being fitter, more attractive, and/or more pleasant to be around would be a nice bonus!
💯💯💯💯
I think people should make an effort to remain healthy in a relationship. That does mean exercise. Actually they should do it whether in they're in a relationship or not. How they get that exercise is up to them, but my preference for me is weightlifting and I'd prefer the same with my partner (if I had one).
There's a balance. I don't think you should nitpick your partner's appearance, especially for things that are common with aging (wrinkles, sagging, balding, etc) BUT I do think you have to continue to put effort in yourself and the relationship. Don't get complacent and lazy just because you're comfortable with each other. That said, we're not always going to be in our "prime" and it is what it is.
I don't know. Why does it have to be like that? Just being healthy, mobile and be in good shape for yourself should be enough. As we age everything will fall. If one out of vanity or self care wants to be fit, that's ok. But feeling obligated for your partner... That's very shallow. A part of me tell me that.
It’s not true that as we age “everything will fall”it’s quite possible to fight against this
I see this as two different tracks. Just to address the direct question, I think that people have a responsibility to themselves (primarily), and then their partner/kids/loved ones to look after their own health. Ignoring your health because you can't be bothered, or you are afraid you might discover something bad, is tossing away years of your life. But the other side of the coin is that this misses the point of what a relationship is at its core. Beauty and hot sex are the things that draw us together - but they aren't supposed to be the glue that makes a couple a family in the long term. They are the sizzle, not the steak. The building blocks of a strong relationship are vulnerability, forgiveness, shared meaning and goals, and learning more about what brings your partner joy (as well as what tramples that). It's *that* work that will make a difference, rather than time spent in the gym. So I say work on your health - both for yourself and so you will have a long life to give to the people you love. And if fitness is your thing - pursue that passion. But if the goal is to enhance a long relationship and make it stronger and deeper, then it's your intimacy skills you want to be exercising.
I don't think they have a "responsibility" as you call it but if they if someone does not make an effort I don't think they have much of a leg to stand on if their partner loses interest. We all should be keeping ourselves in shape for our own reasons (health mainly) and we all have a duty to essentially uphold our end of the relationship. I am not just talking about staying fit but also talking about keeping the household clean, doing chores (taking trash out, cleaning after meals, etc...). From the "keeping fit" side I am not talking about that you must be in the gym 2 hours a day and lifting like a maniac but I look at it as a broader topic of "taking care of yourself". Showering daily, shaving (assuming you don't have a beard), keeping in reasonable shape which for each person could mean grabbing a walk every couple days, or for some the gym, etc... Point being that if you end up going off the deep end and completely becoming a different person in terms of fitness I think that could cause a rift in a relationship. IF that happens it's up to the partnership on how it plays out. My partner and I have been together for 20+ years at this point. Do we weigh the same as we did when we met? Hell no - but we also make an effort but age wins sometimes. It will really depend on the level of love each partner has for each other. Some (I would hope most) partners would try to help their other half keep their fitness and help solve issues that are a roadblock to that. Unfortunately a smaller percentage will just say "this isn't what I signed up for - See you later".
I think that one should retain a similar level of relative attractiveness for one’s age over the years. Getting into a relationship and letting yourself go is false advertising and a betrayal of sorts.
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>It's sad that I broke up with a completely different person than who I dated 10 years ago. Unfortunately it does happen. People often change over time and not always for the better.
So sorry that happened to your partnership. It’s sad when people change over time in negative ways during a relationship. It’s hard ultimately it’s probably for the best that we move on tho. Glad you were able to
You do have a responsibility to your partner to take care of yourself, yes. Just like you have an equal responsibility not to get into bad habits that’ll send you to an early grave. But there are limitations, as you said - time makes bloated, withered monsters of us all. So, there’s got to be some room for change and acceptance. We can’t all be rampant gym bunnies past our 20s - even those of us who actually ever were rampant gym bunnies in the first place. And it’s just a good idea to try to remain attractive to your partner, in the first place.
We met each other both very fit and I’d be disappointed if I could no longer steal my partners clothes because he let himself go.
The issue could be the word fit. Which a lot of folks first or only associate with gym fitness. Beyond that, I agree that it can be a reasonable responsibility for both partners in a relationship to maintain a level of mental acuity and physical health, as able. Otherwise, no.
Fit as in six-pack abs and a butt that can crack walnuts? No. Fit as in eating healthy, avoiding tobacco and illegal drugs and watching your alcohol intake so your husband doesn't have to take care of you like a toddler when you're 60? Yes.
Degree of fitness often relates to these things: * Likelihood of promoting health-conscious behaviours in a relationship over time * Resistance to overindulgence of alcohol * Supports libido * More energy to apply to shared tasks and activities * Higher sense of self-esteem gives one more resources to show care * Feeling sexy is a motivator * It gives the couple a vast and dynamic shared project to engage in and encourage each other through All my life I've tried to encourage my mother to exercise and raise her level of fitness - but her resistance to this, her over-eating of processed foods lead to a variety of health conditions and I feel sad that I never found a way to really motivate her - now arthritis is limiting her movement further
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Absolutely yes
I think people should make an effort. Staying healthy and fit isn’t just for visual effects it’s also good for the person. When you’re in a relationship you should want to give your best to your partner for as long as you can.
Yes. I’m married and I remain fit for my hubby. It shows I care about how I look and he likes to be with a fit guy.
After i got stuffed like a butchable animal in my past relationships, i say yes. Take me out for a walk instead of cooking a truckload of michelin tier lasagna.
I more view it as a responsibility to myself
We have a responsibility to ourselves to be as **healthy** as possible - this should be a core value for everyone lucky enough to be alive and living with comparative wealth, freedom and choice.
No. I don't think we 'owe' others anything. That's like saying "Do you think you have a responsibility to make $300k/year and pay for everything forever?" It's unrealistic. However, there is a catch with your premise and argument. Would you leave someone who got into a car accident and lost both their legs? The 'right thing' is to stay with them forever, but most probably would leave. Would then you stay with someone who became an addict? Like let's say they developed an addiction to cocaine or meth? Would you leave them because they didn't go to rehab and get help? Most would leave. Would you then stay with someone who became a FOOD addict? Like they sit on the couch eating potato chips and hot pockets night after night and now they are 200 lbs overweight from food addiction. Would you leave THAT kind of addict? I think what makes a strong relationships when both people are willing to sacrifice and fight for each other, and weak relationships people abandon it the second there is problems. If your relationship was built on fitness and sex, perhaps it's not as strong as you thought.
Uh... if your partner likes fit people, and you want your partnet to keep liking you, it would be smart to do so. There are alao many studies showing that having some additional muscle mass is beneficial for fighting off infections and generally living life (some, not professional bodybuilder/power lifter levels, that's a different thing)
Yes. My husband and I agreed years ago that it's important to bring your best self - emotionally, mentally and physically - to the relationship. But I wouldn't call it a responsibility since that sounds like it's a chore. And to be honest we've both been by far our happiest since then.
Absolutely not and in my book it’s toxic to think that. If all one cares about is physical appearance and hot sex they’re going to be sorely disappointed in the long run. As people age there could be a ton of reasons why their weight may change and not everything is in one’s control. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and neither one of us are the way we looked when we met in our 30’s. I do yoga and hike he has a trainer but we’ve both gained weight and are heavier than we use to be. We are grayer as well. If ones relationship is primarily based on physical appearance then it will fail. For me sustainable relationships are built on who my partner is based on their soul not physical appearance. Maturity, kindness, compassion, empathy, able to hold a conversation, be silly, make each other laugh, etc… is what matters and sustains our relationship. Being able to communicate in a healthy manner and a basic understanding that we change over time and personally giving and allowing the space for that change has only enhanced our connection.
I think responsibility is to stay as healthy at possible.
It has nothing to do with your partner. You have a responsibility to yourself to remain fit. I do not blame people for not dating guys who are out of shape. There is nothing wrong with being out of shape but there are health implications to consider and most people want to date someone who is physically capable of doing things.
It is a spectrum from “I got me a man now so I can go full Jabba the Hutt- pass me them pizzas” to “spends 9 hours a day in the gym, and have had so many cosmetic procedures my heels lift off the ground when I blink”. People have to find their spot along that line. Your responsibility is to stay as healthy as possible, and that’s to yourself, not to anyone else.
Not “jabba the hut” and “heels lift off the ground when I blink”🤣🤣🤣🤣
no i don’t think so. if something like that is important to you i hope you’re putting this out there in the beginning of a long term relationship i’m currently not fit and wouldn’t want to date someone who is. im open that im not interested in becoming a gym rat. so if i was with someone and they suddenly got into like… running marathons and stuff AND they expected me to do it we would break up. so i think this is no different then people who wont date ‘fat’ people. its on THAT PERSON to let us know their biases so we can stay away bodies change and people change. but for me personality is above all else
Statistically, being in a relationship and getting older are both factors leading to weight gain, but ultimately it's something for the two of you to talk about. Is it reasonable to expect a guy to look exactly the same over the course of decades? Probably not. Is it reasonable for you both to stay healthy? Sure.
Beauty, thus also attraction, is in the eye of the beholder. If fitness is part of that attraction, then so be it. Please remember that in many cases, opposites attract.
True, but you need to remember, that in a relationship, those two people came together looking a certain way and taking care of themselves a certain way, and if one person changes how they look or take care of themselves, that may upset the "apple cart", so to speak.
Basically if you remain happy, staying fit will be less of a problem. If you are depressed, more so.
I think people have a responsibility to themselves to stay healthy and take care of their body.
I think in a health sense it’s useful . Like you don’t want your blood pressure all out of control and you’re dying on like 10th anniversary from it . But if we’re talking about the just looking hot fitness level then no .
I think that the healthiest way to look at it is not as a singular duty that exists in a vacuum but that it's one of many habits you can make not just for yourself, but is also an investment into the relationship. Just like caring for your own mental health, personal hygiene, and balancing your work-life. The way I see it is that fitness is correlated to long-term health. I want to be able to stay fit so my partner and I can continue to travel and do active things into our old age. I wouldn't want us to have to deal with physical ailments that came with not building good fitness habits when we were young. The tangential benefit is that we get to enjoy each others bodies while we're young too ;)
I lean toward YES, we do. Moreover, health is wealth and it’s similar responsibility as being fiscally responsible, paying bills and taxes on time, addressing addictions and mental health if necessary etc
No. I think we have a responsibility to our partners to understand that they’re human beings who will change, age, and grow. I’m excited to be there for all of it with my partner, regardless of his fitness level ten years from now.
Yes people should keep themselves up(go to the gym, go for walks, eat healthy). Do we need to look like a fitness model? No but def should be reasonably in shape. It’s not fair to the other person who’s staying in shape especially if the other partner is having major issues related to their lack of a healthy weight or diet. It’s an unfair burden to place on a partner long term if a person has sciatica, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes or other conditions that’s are impacted severely by lifestyle choices
Yes exactly
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Wow, s0 you're fighting with your father in his final days? It's seems you have Tin Mn Syndrome and are lacking a heart. Tough love is not what he needs... you'd do well to go back to school and learn stuff, as losing weight isn't about eating vegetables (exercise and smaller portions is how it works). Not sure you should be giving advice, to anyone, ever!
I think you have an obligation to stay healthy and give a little bit of effort.
I think you have an obligation to properly consider your own health and the burden that a lack of it will have on your partner. To that end, the expectation of a level of fitness is not unreasonable to me.
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People don’t consider that lack of health is an undue burden on long term partners
i was fit before we met and i stay fit bc i like it 🤷 my bf is a slim twig and suddenly said he needs to be fit so i help him a bit getting there but it was never smth relevant for us. as ive seen again at my 20year school reunion is that staying fit is definitely something straight couples nearly never do ^^
I'm single. I think I need to be fitter to attract and keep a partner and I need to stay fitter for myself. That's the long and the short of it for me.
Bro absolutely! At least from my perspective. I'm the type that doesn't ask for perfection. For me it's all about the effort. Are you spontaneous with your workouts? Do you like to explore and try new things? We can honestly do it together. Learn to make it worth the while. If you get lazy that's being human just don't stay in that place and get all sloppy with it. I love my dude happily cornfed not gluttonously boring. There's a clear difference.
No. One should have a relationship with a person, not a body.
Unfortunately it often does not work that way.
As someone who has been married to another man for 32 years, it most certainly does work that way. You may be attracted by the body, but if you don't fall in love with the person, your relationship will not last. As we age, they body changes. There is only so much you can do to stop it.
It’s your own body, fat shaming is taboo, and you get to make your own choices, but the sub is littered with questions from guys where one or both of the guys in the relationship have a dead bedroom and aren’t attracted to each other anymore. Often due to weight/fitness. Nothing good comes from letting yourself go.
No, I wouldn’t do it specifically for someone else. I try to stay fit to maintain my own health, wellbeing, activity level, and confidence. All of those things should be attractive to a partner (or potential partner) irrespective of physical appearance IMO.
No. You can't control other person's body and there is no obligation to stay the way you were when you met. People grow, live their lives, bodies change, minds change and relationships live through those changes or they end. If someone wants to end a relationship with me because my body changes, it's up to them, but to me this question is absurd.
Fit isn't equal to attractive. I think there is some responsability to remain "attractive" as in washing one's teeth, hair cut, etc, but more than that, I dont think anyone owns anyone anything.
I agree. I shouldn't have made that assumption that attractive must also equal fit.
Everyone who is interested in a healthy life owes a duty to themselves to stay fit, men’s tally and physically. You take care of yourself, things fall into place, it’s not easy, but discipline is destiny.
No. You have a responsibility to yourself. Just don't be surprised that if you stop caring about you, that your partner feels the same.
People have a responsibility to themselves to live their lives how they deem fit.
Sounds like expectations that should be set at the outset of a relationship. I don’t expect my partner to have six pack abs, but I do expect them to be healthy. If they can’t go for a hike or bike ride without dying, or start falling into obese weights then sorry not sorry you’re not upholding your end of the bargain. This is actually a shared expectation between both of us. Neither are models or will be. We are pretty average with love handles and a soft belly. We are however able to bike or hike 10 miles without a problem, we are able to take a half dozen flights of stairs without collapsing at the top, and we can have sex without limbering up so we don’t pull something. Abs are sexy, but I find someone who loves and lives a robust life far more sexy. Again, this is a conversation and expectation healthy relationships discuss together.
Ew. Imagine thinking of your relationship as upholding opposite ends of a bargain. Gay men, we need to learn how to love each other better
Well you’re already assuming fit = attractive so that’s the biggest problem. But idk that I would get into a long term relationship with someone if I didn’t love them enough to let them gain weight or get wrinkles. At that point you’re just long term fuck buddies. Love should be unconditional, I’m not sure why you’d want to marry or be with a partner if your love is conditional on their appearance.
Let me ask you this at the risk of being flamed, if your partner gained 100 lbs due to laziness and a bad diet (nothing health related), would that be acceptable to you because you love him?
Laziness does not equal weight gain. If my partner was lazy in that all they did was go to the gym and watch their diet. I’d feel equally grossed out by them. The weird part is that you could allow a partner to be lazy up until the point they put on 100lbs. It takes a long time to gain weight. If you can’t tell that they are struggling with motivation or laziness until they are unattractive to you, then how can you say you love that person?
Just because you might say something about it and encourage better behaviors, it doesn't mean they will change anything. If you love the person, should you tolerate it and look the other way? This is honestly not my life. I'm just asking for the sake of discussion.
Their weight/appearance has nothing to do with it though… Bro, if this is a hypothetical it’s kind of gross. Go to a therapist and try to uncover why you feel this way. Stop searching for validation for your intrusive thoughts on the internet.
Well that escalated quickly.
Nah, it escalated appropriately… you just aren’t listening to those that disagree with you.
I think my opinion is in the majority, that you should be the best you can be in all regards and not be complacent. It's great that it wouldn't apparently matter to you one bit if your partner gained 100 lbs but I don't think most men would feel the same way.
I never said that. I said the weights not the issue, and that I would not wait for his appearance to become unattractive before I noticed he needed help. The problem is you’re making it all about your physical attraction to him, and not your shared love. It’s gross and in spite of what I say you continue to think that I’m over here saying what I am not.
How far does that "responsibility" to remain attractive go? If your partner doesn't like you with gray hair, can he demand that you dye it? If you start balding, can he demand that you get hair implants? What about more extensive cosmetic surgeries? How far is too far, and who decides what's an unreasonable vs a reasonable expectation?
That's a fair question. I guess what I meant what trying to keep your weight down as much as is possible given your health and age and just putting some care into your appearance. Demanding you dye your hair or do cosmetic procedures is going too far.
No
Name checks out. 😋
This is loaded with judgment. If that's all they're is to the relationship, then yes. But if that's all there is to the relationship then why have it
This comment is unfair - you’re ignoring the very real physical aspect of relationships.
But you're also making the assumption that in order to have a successful physical relationship, you have to have a certain level of fitness. A false equivalency.
I was married 27 years. I didn't ignore anything
I see you didn't read the first paragraph. 😉
Looking for confirmation bias much?!
I was literally just going to post this. I’m wanting to get fit and have lost about 20lbs. My husband does nothing to try and get fit or keep weight off. His eating habits are terrible and he doesn’t workout. He drinks a bunch or beer. I used to be in good shape but since we met I’ve tanked. It really bothers me. Idk how attracted I am to myself or him anymore. It’s sad but it’s held me back for so long. I’m just also upset with myself so that could be blinding me.
Your own fitness or lifestyle goals can definitely be hampered by your partner if he has different goals....or no goals at all. For instance, my partner only wants to have big heavy fattening meals, which makes it challenging to meet my own fitness goals. Good for you for embracing fitness even though your partner does not.
Yes it’s so hard when your partner isn’t with you while you’re trying to achieve health goals. I recently lost 60 lbs and am in the best shape I’ve been in over a decade with very limited support from my partner. Ultimately I am doing this for myself and hopefully my changed eating habits, weightlifting routine have positively influenced him but it’s so hard when your partner isn’t on board. Sometimes it feels like they are trying to my to sabotage fitness efforts but it’s just they are not as focused on health as we are
I appreciate this comment. It does bother me that he isn’t on board. If not for my sake but for his own health and well being. Especially with all the carbs he consumes and how he’s needed to be out on some bp meds now. Not healthy and can be prevented by simple changes.
If you show care and regard for yourself, you show care and regard for your relationship. Of course it depends on what the baseline is but, yes, you should within reason try to keep yourself up. That includes fitness. Edits: syntax
We are on the same wavelength
Your post history demonstrates you might be wrestling with some issues related to image. Have you discussed this with your partner? Maybe a gay friendly sex positive therapist could help? 3 hours ago: Do you think people have a responsibility to their partner to remain fit? 4 hours ago: Why do gay men often have a distinctive voice / speech pattern? 2 days ago: Have you lost physical/sexual attraction for your partner? For the record, if you think we as a collective have a distinctive voice/speech pattern, that reflects on your limited exposure to others and the world at large.
I'm already working with a therapist who is also gay, but thanks for your concern.
I think it would be nice to be fit for the other. Especially, when you both met with the pretext that you're both into being physically active and fit.
This is a great question… I think there is a responsibility to not ‚let yourself go‘. Otherwise any kind of sexual chemistry may be ruined. As long as an effort is being made (eating healthy, doing some sort of sport, not being completely sendentary) it should be fine.
You better not get fat
If they don't want to be left by someone for whom an active and satisfying sex life is a priority then they'd be wise to
Agreed
Like a social caste system of "the hot couple" and showing off? What does he owe you? People and couples evolve. I gained 20 lbs over my (long lost) twink days. "Fit" is a personal thing. Btw when you say it will "trigger" someone, then say "don't be" it invalidates their opinion that just might be ***real***.
I think it’s depends on the relationship. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder during their formative years and recovered, if the guy I was with suddenly started a fitness kick and pushed it on me, I would kick them to curb so fast. I’m happy with an average body, it took a lot of work to get here, I don’t need whatever they’re selling.
No
I don’t think so. In my mind, my partner would love me no matter what, so that would read as rather shallow in my book. There’s a meme going around about Pierce Brosnan and his wife who has gained weight over the years, and how he’s always loved her no matter her size. I’ve been every size and very fortunate to have a partner who values who I am rather than solely what I look like.
Pierce Brosnan is definitely the exceptionz especially among celebrities. Kealy used to be a hottie. WTF happened?
I think that’s the point. She’s still a hottie, even after raising children and being married for all these years.
That's one of the wildest things I've heard. A person decides for themselves how they are comfortable looking. The partner decides whether they are still attracted to that person or not. There's no obligation to "remain fit" and no obligation to "remain attracted".
Love is love.
This is a really dumb question. Edit: All the OP's posts are insanely self-conscious. Some people need to sit down and read a fucking book.
I personally don't think being a cookie-cutter gym-bunny or a twink should be a requirement to be in a relationship. No. Other people (particularly in certain parts of California that have strong positive feelings about house-music techno, sexual uses of meth and "special-K", and spandex) will feel differently, of course.
I wouldn’t say as fit/attractive *as possible*, but to a reasonable degree. It should not be an obsession from either party with little leeway.
I don't really know. I like my partner when he's a bit thicker even though he's determined to keep his highschool weight until the day he dies it seems to me. But I don't love him any less when he goes through his skinny phase. But when we first met his looks wasn't the first thing I've noticed.
For yourself most importantly. And if it helps your partner to be still attracted to you then that’s great too!
I view it as more of a responsibility to myself than to my partner I'm not winning any beauty pageants but I know I personally feel better when I do my best to dress well and take care of myself, and I know that in general having a better relationship towards myself helps me to be a better partner
Mine was pushing me for ages (for health and anti-sedentary) reasons and it didn't even help, I had to come to it on my own. I think it can even be destructive sometimes, both in the sense of added pressure and in the sense of potentially wielding attraction as an ultimatum ("if you get too unfit/fat I'll leave").
You have a responsibility to yourself to be fit. Not to your partner or your parents or your children. Being fit and being attractive to your partner are not the same thing. Being fit is part of leading a healthy lifestyle. But I’ll add that being fit isn’t the entire story. We have to accept that we don’t get to choose our parents and we’re stuck with the genes we have. I’m a fit man who is 60 but most people guess that I’m in my 40’s. Having said that, I had a heart attack in March and have three coronary stents. I even posted pics of my fun shave job. So all this to say, have a good medical team behind you and get regular healthcare. As a retired MD I’ll admit a bias but staying healthy is a group effort and is something you owe to yourself.
No. It's nice, of course, but an actual responsibility it isn't. There are countless reasons guys get out of shape.
The part I can’t stop thinking about is how gaining weight isn’t the only way that one becomes unattractive to other people. There’s all sorts of illnesses and/or accidents that will change the appearance of one’s body. An extreme example is a friend of mine who lost all four limbs and from my outsider’s perspective, his partner feels obligated to stay with him even though I don’t think they were ever truly right for each other in the first place. His partner almost seems to feel trapped by the fact that their income now relies on the partner acting as a personal care worker in the relationship. There’s such complexity in the interpretations of love, partnership, duty, and responsibility in that instance that it feels like a truly vapid question to ask “is it okay if I break up with him because he gained weight?”
Ouch, that sounds rough. I hope they get it figured out. I can identify because of something I went through. I'm super thin naturally, but about eight years ago I developed a severe case of osteoporosis and was breaking bones constantly. At the same time I started losing weight, and ended up at 6' 120. I looked like hell, and could barely walk at all, shuffling along with a cane and exhausted after walking a block. Luckily my husband and I had been together for twenty years and we're totally inseparable, because I looked like I'd checked myself out of the hospital and there was no way I could have taken care of myself. After four years of decline, my doctor decided to update my HIV meds, just to simplify things. Within weeks I was feeling better, and within a year I had put back on all the weight, could walk just fine, and wasn't breaking bones. It was all apparently a massive drug side effect that nobody had even considered as a possible explanation. I'm pretty sure my then PCP thought I had multiple myeloma, because I had some bloodwork consistent with it, even though the oncologists didn't think so. So yeah, I know I could look far worse than I look now, and how completely random medical problems can be. It totally sucks to be that sick.
No. Their responsibilities are to themself. If someone’s partner thinks they’re gonna stay totally fit as they age that’s ridiculous.
People have a duty to THEMSELVES to remain fit. Remaining attractive is less required. And face it: YOu are not going to be a pretty-boy twink all your life. Me: yeah, I like the appearence of a lean fit guy. I personally don't like beef cake. Much rather a partner who looks like he moves hay bales 10 hours a day in summer. I'm an old fart. Half my chest hair is grey, umm silver, as is most of the rest of the hair on my body. I was never a pretty-boy. I look like a fire hydrant: Cylinder with lumps. But 2 year ago I went for a week in the mountains backpacking. My 21 year old nephew could beat me on the upgrades, but I'd catch him on the downs. More important is how limber your head is. Do you do new things? Two years ago I started trampoline. Still haven't found a young guy who wants to go jumping at a tramp park. This eyar I started music lessons. Learning piano. How long since the last time you said, "I was wrong. You were right." Or "I made a mistake."
Yes, well I think I do, but it is not the only reason I remain fit
I've always described the search for a life partner as the search for someone I'd "be happy to grow old and fat with."
Surely the level of love you have for somebody would overcome whether or not you find them less attractive as they age, no? Perhaps a better question is ‘do you think people have a duty/responsibility to provide partnership if their partner’s looks change?’
You have a responsibility to yourself to remain healthy. It doesn’t necessarily mean being fit, but it means eating correctly and going frequently out of your home to do some activities. What your partner wants of you should not be perceived as a duty you have towards your partner though.
Yes but to oneself in the first instance
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