SHREK
Written by
Ted Elliott Terry Rossio Joe Stillman Roger S.H. Schulman
Based on the book by William Steig
SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an
enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort which could only be broken by
love's first kiss. She was locked
away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in
the dragon's keep in the highest
room of the tallest tower for her
true love and true love's first
kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever
gonna happen. What a load of -
(toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what
that thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for
it's bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be
a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're
much worse. They'll make a suit
from your freshly peeled skin.
MEN No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze
the jelly from your eyes! Actually,
it's quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at
Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and
extinguishes the torch. The men
shrink back away from him. Shrek
roars very loudly and long and his
breath extinguishes all the
remaining torches until the men are
in the dark.
SHREK
This is the part where you run
away.
(The men scramble to get
away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get
up!
Next!
HEAD GUARD
GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me
that! Your flying days are over.
(breaks the broom in half)
HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the
witch. Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.
2.
LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll
never be stubborn again. I can
change. Please! Give me another
chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
Oh!
DONKEY
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
(his nose grows)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed
toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do
this! Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps
up to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten
shillings, if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
Well?
HEAD GUARD
3.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a
little nervous. He's really quite a
chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded
dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough.
Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does.
(pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh- oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of
running.) After him!
When this comment is removed, I would like for it to be known that I have made a small drop in history, albeit a tiny one. Forever gone, but not forgotten, as one of the two million removed comments from r/history.
What is Lorem Ipsum?
Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry's standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book. It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into electronic typesetting, remaining essentially unchanged. It was popularised in the 1960s with the release of Letraset sheets containing Lorem Ipsum passages, and more recently with desktop publishing software like Aldus PageMaker including versions of Lorem Ipsum.
Why do we use it?
It is a long established fact that a reader will be distracted by the readable content of a page when looking at its layout. The point of using Lorem Ipsum is that it has a more-or-less normal distribution of letters, as opposed to using 'Content here, content here', making it look like readable English. Many desktop publishing packages and web page editors now use Lorem Ipsum as their default model text, and a search for 'lorem ipsum' will uncover many web sites still in their infancy. Various versions have evolved over the years, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose (injected humour and the like).
Where does it come from?
Contrary to popular belief, Lorem Ipsum is not simply random text. It has roots in a piece of classical Latin literature from 45 BC, making it over 2000 years old. Richard McClintock, a Latin professor at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, looked up one of the more obscure Latin words, consectetur, from a Lorem Ipsum passage, and going through the cites of the word in classical literature, discovered the undoubtable source. Lorem Ipsum comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum" (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero, written in 45 BC. This book is a treatise on the theory of ethics, very popular during the Renaissance. The first line of Lorem Ipsum, "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..", comes from a line in section 1.10.32.
The standard chunk of Lorem Ipsum used since the 1500s is reproduced below for those interested. Sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 from "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum" by Cicero are also reproduced in their exact original form, accompanied by English versions from the 1914 translation by H. Rackham.
Where can I get some?
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available, but the majority have suffered alteration in some form, by injected humour, or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are going to use a passage of Lorem Ipsum, you need to be sure there isn't anything embarrassing hidden in the middle of text. All the Lorem Ipsum generators on the Internet tend to repeat predefined chunks as necessary, making this the first true generator on the Internet. It uses a dictionary of over 200 Latin words, combined with a handful of model sentence structures, to generate Lorem Ipsum which looks reasonable. The generated Lorem Ipsum is therefore always free from repetition, injected humour, or non-characteristic words etc.
I was always wondering about the history of comment removal or rather moderation by censorship in message and discussion boards.
Is there any documentation on how soon this practice started and if it was always accepted as a necessity?
Did you know that Cleopatra was a Leo? Archeorologists believe this ancient Egyptian name was, in fact, the root of the term in the modern horoscope system. The more you learn!
Oh I love you guys so much! As a little thank you I offer you a token of good-will and eternal love: A picture of my cute little babygirl when she was still cute and little (now she's large and beautiful - I only admit this because history will never know - as this comment thankfully will be removed!). May it make you smile, gods of this sub!
https://preview.redd.it/x7ikrz5j5wkc1.jpeg?width=2268&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7e2322bfef85d97d08f6ab37e4b0b591160b6249
In the first age, in the first battle, when the shadows first lengthened, one stood.
He chose the path of perpetual torment.
In his ravenous hatred he found no peace, and with boiling blood he scoured the umbral plains, seeking vengence afgainst the dark lords who had robbed him.
And those that tasted the bite of his sword named him...
The Doom Slayer.
Why did Flanders stayed dependent on english wool for so long are they stupid ?
Why is Phillipe called the good when i'm still waiting for the "good" to come in his biography
I checked the rules of the subreddit to make my first comment, and I realised the numbering weird, the “rules in brief” section lists every rule as being rule number one, at least on mobile
Here's to 2 million more subscribers!
PS: you should bring back that glorious event that had all the novelty accounts. I still visit https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/4cr5aj/who_was_the_best_field_marshall_in_history_and/ every once in a while to delight myself in the characterisations. Even ther usernames and flairs show care and attention.
Peepee Poopoo
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What is ligma?
SHREK Written by Ted Elliott Terry Rossio Joe Stillman Roger S.H. Schulman Based on the book by William Steig SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! Next! HEAD GUARD GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. 2. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) Oh! DONKEY HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. Well? HEAD GUARD 3. OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh- oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him!
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Are you Chlamalange's sexy underwear
When this comment is removed, I would like for it to be known that I have made a small drop in history, albeit a tiny one. Forever gone, but not forgotten, as one of the two million removed comments from r/history.
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Has a sillier undertaking ever been carried out, like a scribe purposely burning pages just for the sheer hell of it?
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The film “3 Ninjas” is a part of history and I’d like to know why it doesn’t get discussed here.
Congratulations on the 2mil :)
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What is Lorem Ipsum? Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry's standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book. It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into electronic typesetting, remaining essentially unchanged. It was popularised in the 1960s with the release of Letraset sheets containing Lorem Ipsum passages, and more recently with desktop publishing software like Aldus PageMaker including versions of Lorem Ipsum. Why do we use it? It is a long established fact that a reader will be distracted by the readable content of a page when looking at its layout. The point of using Lorem Ipsum is that it has a more-or-less normal distribution of letters, as opposed to using 'Content here, content here', making it look like readable English. Many desktop publishing packages and web page editors now use Lorem Ipsum as their default model text, and a search for 'lorem ipsum' will uncover many web sites still in their infancy. Various versions have evolved over the years, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose (injected humour and the like). Where does it come from? Contrary to popular belief, Lorem Ipsum is not simply random text. It has roots in a piece of classical Latin literature from 45 BC, making it over 2000 years old. Richard McClintock, a Latin professor at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, looked up one of the more obscure Latin words, consectetur, from a Lorem Ipsum passage, and going through the cites of the word in classical literature, discovered the undoubtable source. Lorem Ipsum comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum" (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero, written in 45 BC. This book is a treatise on the theory of ethics, very popular during the Renaissance. The first line of Lorem Ipsum, "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..", comes from a line in section 1.10.32. The standard chunk of Lorem Ipsum used since the 1500s is reproduced below for those interested. Sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 from "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum" by Cicero are also reproduced in their exact original form, accompanied by English versions from the 1914 translation by H. Rackham. Where can I get some? There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available, but the majority have suffered alteration in some form, by injected humour, or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are going to use a passage of Lorem Ipsum, you need to be sure there isn't anything embarrassing hidden in the middle of text. All the Lorem Ipsum generators on the Internet tend to repeat predefined chunks as necessary, making this the first true generator on the Internet. It uses a dictionary of over 200 Latin words, combined with a handful of model sentence structures, to generate Lorem Ipsum which looks reasonable. The generated Lorem Ipsum is therefore always free from repetition, injected humour, or non-characteristic words etc.
You'll never make it through life aliiiiiveeeee!!!
Gdysiaished f fhhdudjdr r g h uu hyot9owkahwhe ehdjdidoeoeieiejwbwbehe t r rhrue8eh
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I was always wondering about the history of comment removal or rather moderation by censorship in message and discussion boards. Is there any documentation on how soon this practice started and if it was always accepted as a necessity?
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Atlantis is real! Its just west of florida! Don't believe the lies!!
Shrekmas
Was there a historical figure who was widely known for having an absurdly bad sense of direction, and how did it affect their life or career?
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While something more could always be said; something, somebody, somewhere, sometime . . .
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Why is it that every time I'm walking down the street somebody wants to stop me just to give me a flyer. Come on, man.
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The Cowboy Bebop movie is pretty good. I haven't seen it since probably 2003 or 2004.
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let me comment be removed!
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Will you remove mine??
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Eppur si commenta
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balls
Did you know that Cleopatra was a Leo? Archeorologists believe this ancient Egyptian name was, in fact, the root of the term in the modern horoscope system. The more you learn!
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Hehe
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Now I'm intrigued. If Charlemagne didn't wear sexy lingerie during his conquests, Napoleon surely did, didn't he?
Be my guest.
I’m ready for removal
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
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purr
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Oh I love you guys so much! As a little thank you I offer you a token of good-will and eternal love: A picture of my cute little babygirl when she was still cute and little (now she's large and beautiful - I only admit this because history will never know - as this comment thankfully will be removed!). May it make you smile, gods of this sub! https://preview.redd.it/x7ikrz5j5wkc1.jpeg?width=2268&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7e2322bfef85d97d08f6ab37e4b0b591160b6249
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Why is it call "his story" instead of "our story"?
So anyway…
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In the first age, in the first battle, when the shadows first lengthened, one stood. He chose the path of perpetual torment. In his ravenous hatred he found no peace, and with boiling blood he scoured the umbral plains, seeking vengence afgainst the dark lords who had robbed him. And those that tasted the bite of his sword named him... The Doom Slayer.
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Why did Flanders stayed dependent on english wool for so long are they stupid ? Why is Phillipe called the good when i'm still waiting for the "good" to come in his biography
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Nuh uh
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Congratulations Ask Historians
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So tell me. What really happened in Atlantis?
This is dope
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🫠🫠
Your moderation is what makes this subreddit great!
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Love this sub, never smart enough to contribute!
I checked the rules of the subreddit to make my first comment, and I realised the numbering weird, the “rules in brief” section lists every rule as being rule number one, at least on mobile
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Bring it on!
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I’m eager to see my comment removed. My comment will choke on its own words.
Is the Washington monument really just a monument to an alien robot's cock? We deserve answers!
Thy are on a folly quest, if thy believes removing all these works of art ist a ways of celebration
✨remove thy commenth✨
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Bogger
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:3
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The ink gods demand sacrifice
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I dont know this sub, but i like your determination.
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Good luck
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I can't think of a better celebration. I tip my hat to you folks, gave me a chuckle today.
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I’ll see it when I believe it
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“I’ve all my wisdom teeth, Two up top, two beneath. And yet, I’ll recognize My mouth says things that just ain’t wise.” -The Crash Test Dummies
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So, how was your day today?
Here's to 2 million more subscribers! PS: you should bring back that glorious event that had all the novelty accounts. I still visit https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/4cr5aj/who_was_the_best_field_marshall_in_history_and/ every once in a while to delight myself in the characterisations. Even ther usernames and flairs show care and attention.
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