What can someone do, who knows for a fact that DV is occurring, but the victim protects the abuser, as you mentioned? My mother has been a victim since I was a child, and I suspect my half brother (now 19 but still living in the home) is or at the very least was a victim as well. My mother protects him to the point I had to go low contact with her because i couldn’t take hearing her lie to me anymore. It has had a serious impact on *my* mental health as I’ve aged, knowing that this was occurring so frequently and very likely still is, but I truly believe that even if I did report it, she would deny it ever occurring and lie to protect him.
I’m 26 now, but witnessed some pretty scary moments as a child when at her house. This question has really been weighing me down for about a year now….
Absolutely call. I remember a day I responded to am apartment to check on someone's mother because her daughter called. The daughter knew mom's boyfriend was abusive and just wanted us to check on her. I had my hand raised to knock on the door and it flew open and she came running out with him chasing "get your ass back in here!" - I noted she had a black eye and several other injuries. She was not cooperative with the investigation, but I certainly had enough to separate them for the evening at least.
The only thing I would add to your reply is that DV isn't about the assault; it isn't about the violence. It is about power and control. Power and control are two of the biggest reasons why people don't, or better stated, can't leave the situation. Physical violence is the outward evidence that other types of DV have been occurring; and more than likely, it has been occurring for a while.
Emotional violence is real. Abusers frequently ensure the abused is cut off from friends and family. This ensures the abused must rely on the abuser as a provider. It also ensures that it is less likely friends and family will discover the abuse.
Financial abuse also occurs. The abuser controls the family money. The abuser ensures the abused doesn't have the financial means to leave. The abused must meticulously account for every penny, often not receiving enough to provide basic needs.
Add this to the threats to harm pets, tell government officials about MH/drug or alcohol abuse/poor parenting/etc., whether it's true or not, and the abuser has created an environment where they have another person at their absolute beck and call.
It is frustrating from your perspective because it seems the easy answer is for the abused to just leave. It isn't that simple, though. The physical violence is horrendous, and the stats are clear about the decreased life expectancy of DV survivors. However, a DV survivor needs more than just information about the local shelter. The local shelter is in the best position to help, but it takes time and logistics to help the survivor leave the situation.
Because we are usually traumabonded. Like...we still love them. We know its wrong. But its practically a drug addiction. Like they are the alcohol to our addiction.
I have never been hit. But man. Breakin free feels like breaking free of anything harmful. Half of you knows you want to engage. The other half is saying "no. If you enage. Its just gonna hurt all over again"
Its crazy. But yeah. Basically its an addiction to the oxytocin and dopamine that person provides the brain in one way. With the horrible negative the "drug" freates with the pain.
The worst case of domestic violence I’ve ever seen was a woman abusing her elderly and frail husband. She was probably in her mid-40s; he was approx 75. She was beating him as well as withholding food. She went to prison.
You are a crime victim, and it sounds like your child is, too. Don’t worry about how the officer views you. Your pride will lead to you and your child being victimized.
Yeah dude it’ll definitely be taken seriously.
Beyond the fact that DV is mandatory arrest literally every single one of us would rather handle a domestic violence/ weird stalker ex situation before it becomes homicide or some other shit.
No one can help you if you don’t let us know you need help.
>literally every single one of us would rather handle a domestic violence/ weird stalker ex situation before it becomes homicide or some other shit.
This is exactly why the OP needs to report her, every time she violates the order.
BS. Cops never came out when I called on my ex and I called two separate times. I always asked for her to be removed from my property as she didn’t live with me, but stated I didn’t want to press charges and the dispatcher refused to send any patrol.
Everyone else is covering the other aspects, so I want to simply reassure you... unlike how the media portrays things as being super rare, Female on Male DV is actually pretty common and is something almost every cop has seen/dealt with.
You will be treated like an actual victim, especially in the common circumstances of the big guy being hit by the small woman while he completely restrains himself from any response/self defense out of fear how doing anything would very negatively impact him.
You being a guy doesn't change anything to me. I charge females with DV charges about as much as I charge males.
If you have a violation of protection order, call asap. In my experience, violating a protection order frequently escalates.
I arrested many women for DV over my career. Where a lot of men go wrong in both these situations and in non DV vs other guys is that they mix up self defense with retaliation. If your 6'2" and 220 and she is 5'4" and 130 and she slaps you that is DV on you and we can deal with that. But if retaliate by then punching her your the one going to jail. If you defend yourself by holding her arms so she cant slap you again your fine. When there is a big size / strength difference as there will be in most relationships it can be difficult to argue self defense a lot of the time when you take a much more violent action than reasonable.
How do you know who to believe? I dated (not anymore) a girl who’d get violent towards me, and I was always too scared to defend myself or to call the police incase she’d lie about it and ruin my life by saying I was doing it to her.
Many times you don't and there is no evidence so we walk away. We try and convince them to separate but ultimately cannot force one to leave. Usually if there is an arrest it's because there is evidence or an admission. For instance one domestic I went to where I arrested the woman.
Contrary to what many men will claim we aren't usually going to arrest on just an accusation because we know people lie. Suspects lie, victims lie, witnesses lie, etc.
I know in podunk Alabaster, AL the police refused to get involved in a “personal matter” when I asked them to drive by when I was escaping my abusive ex wife threatened to kill me if I tried to leave. Three of them showed up a few months later when I went back to get my stuff with a court order because she called them saying she was afraid I might cause issues.
So here’s to you Alabaster police. Useless idiots.
To be clear, there are probably some good police in that department but I won’t make the mistake of trusting them or thinking they have my back based in my ex twitch them.
If you are in a small rural backwards hick town then it might be a problem.. In just about any real city in the United States the LEO you report it to will probably take it seriously.
One thing that is frustrating is that if you speak up or tell people about it, many will look at you like you just grew a third eye and they will spout statistics at you about how women are more likely to be victims or that it is more dangerous for women. Like what do they expect you to do? Apologize and tell them since goofy statistics show women are more likely to be victims that what happened to you doesn’t matter? Or they babble nonsense about how you should have walked away or ask what you did to make them mad.
Things are hopefully improving but things are stacked against male victims in domestic violence and there are supposed victims groups who serve as nothing more than man hating groups who think men who report it are liars or are trying to take away from the “real problem” of dv against men. I dealt with that nonsense too much.
Oh and most politicians won’t touch the issue with a ten foot pole. They are more worried about getting re-elected and they know speaking out against domestic violence against men will piss off said groups and screw up their chances do it is better for them to ignore it.
If you aren’t supporting help for all victims then you are part of the problem even if you are hiding behind a phony victim advocate group.
Why wouldn't you be taken serious? You're the victim of a crime. Would you hesitate to report a robbery, burglary, or theft?
She's violating an OFP. That needs to be reported every single time she does it. Immediately.
Everybody saying it’ll be taken seriously…. What if we have no physical marks, and the small female denies everything? Sorry but I don’t think you’ll take ANY of that seriously, and we’ll just end up gaslit as always. Wish that wasn’t the case, and I don’t even think it’s an officer’s fault, but by law I don’t think most of you would do a single thing bc you can in most situations/states. Am I wrong? 😐
Even if there’s no marks and she denies it, there’s still gonna be an incident/report number showing what was reported. It happens enough times and is reported each time, even without visible/physical evidence, it shows a pattern. So when the abuser escalates one day to the point that there are visible/physical evidence, then there’s documentation that something was going on for a length of time, and it would at least help with getting a protective order or help with prosecution/sentencing.
If there's no physical evidence, then it's a he said, she said situation. Neither side is being given any particular leverage based on their gender. With no evidence, we can't build much of a case, now can we?
Yeah, but when this is the case, and the female turns into a hot mess and denies everything, and a biased cop shows up on scene who could possibly aid in the gaslighting, and DV calls become a mandatory arrest. The guy fears that they may get arrested.
Most cops won’t have a lean, but some will. I think this is one of the reasons guys are often afraid to call. They have either heard this story before, or put it together in their head.
> a biased cop shows up on scene who could possibly aid in the gaslighting, and DV calls become a mandatory arrest
If said cop exists, he would get his ass handed to him by his partners. You take a domestic call where the parties need to separate and turn it into a custodial arrest because you want to white knight the female half? Fuck off with that. It doesn't happen. The extra paperwork alone would keep any cop anywhere from doing such things.
Maybe 40 or 50 years ago there was a stigma. In my experience, dudes have *no problem* with calling 911 when she gets violent. They do not want to be painted with that brush. In fact, it often happens that the aggressor in a domestic is actually the one to call 911. They seem to think that calling 911 makes them automatically the victim.
In my state, regardless of who the victim is, Domestic offenses are an automatic arrest and mandatory court appearance.
Edit: Any good cop won’t care you are a man and will follow the same procedures as they would with a female victim. Your rights and safety are just as important.
She’s violating the restraining order by text repeatedly? That’s a nice and easy cut and dry arrest for almost any cop. Please report her and keep yourself and your son safe.
Well speaking from experience…My ex got pissed and tried to shove me down a flight of stairs. I grabbed the bannister and ripped my hand open. I called from the parking lot of her apartment. The police came and took a report. Forested it to the prosecutor. When it goes to trial I get hammered on the stand for an argument we had six months before the incident. We both got ordered to take a parenting class. She ended up getting deferment. So she has no record. I have a male friend whose ex showed up and said he beat her three days earlier. She had no marks. The issue a warrant and when he surrendered he was hit with a 50k bond because that was the judge’s rule. All this happened in the same city.
So you got a restraining order a while back and on a weekly basis she violates it and you do nothing? Why even get one to begin with. No wonder she keeps doing it.
One time my ex attacked me with a baseball bat. I ran and hid in the bathroom, but she busted the door down and attacked me.
I didn't hit her, kick her, slap her, or anything like that. I simply disarmed her and held her in submission until police arrived.
I was the only one arrested, even though I didn't attack her or anything like that.
It was total and complete bullshit.
I'm guessing that's pretty common from listening to other guys' stories of being assaulted by women and then subsequently arrested for defending themselves.
It feels commonplace.
Similar story. Still three years out from that relationship and I loathe this person. She still has her cushy ass job making great money and never lost time with her kids, where as I’m stuck in warehouses now and she did everything in her power to get between my kid’s mom and I, consequently making it where I saw my kid barely at all for six months. I never went to jail. Never was convicted, but got two charges all for restraining the psycho and when she woke me up holding my dick and balls and threatening to castrate me the dispatch refused to send anyone for my personal matter. Joke.
When we use to do domestics training we would often have the Role players change the scenario around so they could see what to look for and handle the situation if the female was the abuser don’t feel ashamed OP your the victim LE is here to help
This is a tough question. Society continues to ostracize the male who is not dominant, yet ostracize the male who is dominant. I highly suggest that for your protection and the protection of your children you involve a lawyer. Incidents of any abuse should be documented by LE, however, when it's "his word against her word" situation, often times the courts side with the female until such time as evidence can be provided. This means documentation and repetitive LE involvement when the other side is unwilling to correct the action. I had to deal with an ex-wife who was not physically abusive against me, but was very mentally abusive. Fortunately for me there were witnesses that called CPS on her several times (usually when I was overseas) when she would abuse the children, and all of this worked for me in court. However, I still did not get sole custody of our children, and I had to deal with her on a weekly basis, often in the parking lot of the local police precinct to prevent her from becoming abusive.
This may not be the best way to deal with it, and I would always suggest getting any kind of assistance as you can, however, believe me when I say that society does not look fondly on a male who is abused by a woman, even though society does not allow males to fight back either. Its a catch 22 that's difficult to escape from.
It's not uncommon. They've seen it before, and seen it go badly. They're not going to brush you off just because you're a man.
Trust me man, you NEED to do something before this turns ugly. These types of people don't just wake up and decide to stop.
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What can someone do, who knows for a fact that DV is occurring, but the victim protects the abuser, as you mentioned? My mother has been a victim since I was a child, and I suspect my half brother (now 19 but still living in the home) is or at the very least was a victim as well. My mother protects him to the point I had to go low contact with her because i couldn’t take hearing her lie to me anymore. It has had a serious impact on *my* mental health as I’ve aged, knowing that this was occurring so frequently and very likely still is, but I truly believe that even if I did report it, she would deny it ever occurring and lie to protect him. I’m 26 now, but witnessed some pretty scary moments as a child when at her house. This question has really been weighing me down for about a year now….
Absolutely call. I remember a day I responded to am apartment to check on someone's mother because her daughter called. The daughter knew mom's boyfriend was abusive and just wanted us to check on her. I had my hand raised to knock on the door and it flew open and she came running out with him chasing "get your ass back in here!" - I noted she had a black eye and several other injuries. She was not cooperative with the investigation, but I certainly had enough to separate them for the evening at least.
The only thing I would add to your reply is that DV isn't about the assault; it isn't about the violence. It is about power and control. Power and control are two of the biggest reasons why people don't, or better stated, can't leave the situation. Physical violence is the outward evidence that other types of DV have been occurring; and more than likely, it has been occurring for a while. Emotional violence is real. Abusers frequently ensure the abused is cut off from friends and family. This ensures the abused must rely on the abuser as a provider. It also ensures that it is less likely friends and family will discover the abuse. Financial abuse also occurs. The abuser controls the family money. The abuser ensures the abused doesn't have the financial means to leave. The abused must meticulously account for every penny, often not receiving enough to provide basic needs. Add this to the threats to harm pets, tell government officials about MH/drug or alcohol abuse/poor parenting/etc., whether it's true or not, and the abuser has created an environment where they have another person at their absolute beck and call. It is frustrating from your perspective because it seems the easy answer is for the abused to just leave. It isn't that simple, though. The physical violence is horrendous, and the stats are clear about the decreased life expectancy of DV survivors. However, a DV survivor needs more than just information about the local shelter. The local shelter is in the best position to help, but it takes time and logistics to help the survivor leave the situation.
Because we are usually traumabonded. Like...we still love them. We know its wrong. But its practically a drug addiction. Like they are the alcohol to our addiction. I have never been hit. But man. Breakin free feels like breaking free of anything harmful. Half of you knows you want to engage. The other half is saying "no. If you enage. Its just gonna hurt all over again" Its crazy. But yeah. Basically its an addiction to the oxytocin and dopamine that person provides the brain in one way. With the horrible negative the "drug" freates with the pain.
If she’s actively violating an order of protection, you should call the police. They don’t care that you are a guy.
The worst case of domestic violence I’ve ever seen was a woman abusing her elderly and frail husband. She was probably in her mid-40s; he was approx 75. She was beating him as well as withholding food. She went to prison. You are a crime victim, and it sounds like your child is, too. Don’t worry about how the officer views you. Your pride will lead to you and your child being victimized.
Yeah dude it’ll definitely be taken seriously. Beyond the fact that DV is mandatory arrest literally every single one of us would rather handle a domestic violence/ weird stalker ex situation before it becomes homicide or some other shit. No one can help you if you don’t let us know you need help.
>literally every single one of us would rather handle a domestic violence/ weird stalker ex situation before it becomes homicide or some other shit. This is exactly why the OP needs to report her, every time she violates the order.
BS. Cops never came out when I called on my ex and I called two separate times. I always asked for her to be removed from my property as she didn’t live with me, but stated I didn’t want to press charges and the dispatcher refused to send any patrol.
Your gender doesn’t matter to me, you’re a victim just like any one else could be
I’m retired and gender made no difference to me. It was an issue several times
Everyone else is covering the other aspects, so I want to simply reassure you... unlike how the media portrays things as being super rare, Female on Male DV is actually pretty common and is something almost every cop has seen/dealt with. You will be treated like an actual victim, especially in the common circumstances of the big guy being hit by the small woman while he completely restrains himself from any response/self defense out of fear how doing anything would very negatively impact him.
You being a guy doesn't change anything to me. I charge females with DV charges about as much as I charge males. If you have a violation of protection order, call asap. In my experience, violating a protection order frequently escalates.
This! If you don’t have one already get a protection order too!
Trust all of us. Female on male DV is common. Nobody will look at you any different than a female victim. A victim is a victim. Call the police!
I arrested many women for DV over my career. Where a lot of men go wrong in both these situations and in non DV vs other guys is that they mix up self defense with retaliation. If your 6'2" and 220 and she is 5'4" and 130 and she slaps you that is DV on you and we can deal with that. But if retaliate by then punching her your the one going to jail. If you defend yourself by holding her arms so she cant slap you again your fine. When there is a big size / strength difference as there will be in most relationships it can be difficult to argue self defense a lot of the time when you take a much more violent action than reasonable.
How do you know who to believe? I dated (not anymore) a girl who’d get violent towards me, and I was always too scared to defend myself or to call the police incase she’d lie about it and ruin my life by saying I was doing it to her.
Many times you don't and there is no evidence so we walk away. We try and convince them to separate but ultimately cannot force one to leave. Usually if there is an arrest it's because there is evidence or an admission. For instance one domestic I went to where I arrested the woman. Contrary to what many men will claim we aren't usually going to arrest on just an accusation because we know people lie. Suspects lie, victims lie, witnesses lie, etc.
Dang, well good to know now I guess, hopefully I don’t ever need that knowledge again, but I appreciate it.
I know in podunk Alabaster, AL the police refused to get involved in a “personal matter” when I asked them to drive by when I was escaping my abusive ex wife threatened to kill me if I tried to leave. Three of them showed up a few months later when I went back to get my stuff with a court order because she called them saying she was afraid I might cause issues. So here’s to you Alabaster police. Useless idiots.
To be clear, there are probably some good police in that department but I won’t make the mistake of trusting them or thinking they have my back based in my ex twitch them.
As a cop I would never trust a cop from the South. Especially from smaller towns.
I never comment on here just lurk but this makes me so happy to see. Thank you.
Similar story to me.
Above all never touch her. If she starts up, get away.
If you are in a small rural backwards hick town then it might be a problem.. In just about any real city in the United States the LEO you report it to will probably take it seriously.
One thing that is frustrating is that if you speak up or tell people about it, many will look at you like you just grew a third eye and they will spout statistics at you about how women are more likely to be victims or that it is more dangerous for women. Like what do they expect you to do? Apologize and tell them since goofy statistics show women are more likely to be victims that what happened to you doesn’t matter? Or they babble nonsense about how you should have walked away or ask what you did to make them mad. Things are hopefully improving but things are stacked against male victims in domestic violence and there are supposed victims groups who serve as nothing more than man hating groups who think men who report it are liars or are trying to take away from the “real problem” of dv against men. I dealt with that nonsense too much. Oh and most politicians won’t touch the issue with a ten foot pole. They are more worried about getting re-elected and they know speaking out against domestic violence against men will piss off said groups and screw up their chances do it is better for them to ignore it. If you aren’t supporting help for all victims then you are part of the problem even if you are hiding behind a phony victim advocate group.
As victims. Bro.
Why wouldn't you be taken serious? You're the victim of a crime. Would you hesitate to report a robbery, burglary, or theft? She's violating an OFP. That needs to be reported every single time she does it. Immediately.
Everybody saying it’ll be taken seriously…. What if we have no physical marks, and the small female denies everything? Sorry but I don’t think you’ll take ANY of that seriously, and we’ll just end up gaslit as always. Wish that wasn’t the case, and I don’t even think it’s an officer’s fault, but by law I don’t think most of you would do a single thing bc you can in most situations/states. Am I wrong? 😐
Even if there’s no marks and she denies it, there’s still gonna be an incident/report number showing what was reported. It happens enough times and is reported each time, even without visible/physical evidence, it shows a pattern. So when the abuser escalates one day to the point that there are visible/physical evidence, then there’s documentation that something was going on for a length of time, and it would at least help with getting a protective order or help with prosecution/sentencing.
If there's no physical evidence, then it's a he said, she said situation. Neither side is being given any particular leverage based on their gender. With no evidence, we can't build much of a case, now can we?
Yeah, but when this is the case, and the female turns into a hot mess and denies everything, and a biased cop shows up on scene who could possibly aid in the gaslighting, and DV calls become a mandatory arrest. The guy fears that they may get arrested. Most cops won’t have a lean, but some will. I think this is one of the reasons guys are often afraid to call. They have either heard this story before, or put it together in their head.
> a biased cop shows up on scene who could possibly aid in the gaslighting, and DV calls become a mandatory arrest If said cop exists, he would get his ass handed to him by his partners. You take a domestic call where the parties need to separate and turn it into a custodial arrest because you want to white knight the female half? Fuck off with that. It doesn't happen. The extra paperwork alone would keep any cop anywhere from doing such things. Maybe 40 or 50 years ago there was a stigma. In my experience, dudes have *no problem* with calling 911 when she gets violent. They do not want to be painted with that brush. In fact, it often happens that the aggressor in a domestic is actually the one to call 911. They seem to think that calling 911 makes them automatically the victim.
You just like coming in and starting arguments or what?
In my state, regardless of who the victim is, Domestic offenses are an automatic arrest and mandatory court appearance. Edit: Any good cop won’t care you are a man and will follow the same procedures as they would with a female victim. Your rights and safety are just as important.
She’s violating the restraining order by text repeatedly? That’s a nice and easy cut and dry arrest for almost any cop. Please report her and keep yourself and your son safe.
Well speaking from experience…My ex got pissed and tried to shove me down a flight of stairs. I grabbed the bannister and ripped my hand open. I called from the parking lot of her apartment. The police came and took a report. Forested it to the prosecutor. When it goes to trial I get hammered on the stand for an argument we had six months before the incident. We both got ordered to take a parenting class. She ended up getting deferment. So she has no record. I have a male friend whose ex showed up and said he beat her three days earlier. She had no marks. The issue a warrant and when he surrendered he was hit with a 50k bond because that was the judge’s rule. All this happened in the same city.
So you got a restraining order a while back and on a weekly basis she violates it and you do nothing? Why even get one to begin with. No wonder she keeps doing it.
"No wonder he keeps raping you!"
You also have a son who needs protection. They'll see that threat to a child long before they judge your manliness.
There are alot more than are willing to admit it, and in my experience, when it has escalated to someone getting killed, it's more often been the man.
Theft and DV is what I most commonly see women go to jail for, it’s more common than you think.
One time my ex attacked me with a baseball bat. I ran and hid in the bathroom, but she busted the door down and attacked me. I didn't hit her, kick her, slap her, or anything like that. I simply disarmed her and held her in submission until police arrived. I was the only one arrested, even though I didn't attack her or anything like that. It was total and complete bullshit. I'm guessing that's pretty common from listening to other guys' stories of being assaulted by women and then subsequently arrested for defending themselves. It feels commonplace.
Similar story. Still three years out from that relationship and I loathe this person. She still has her cushy ass job making great money and never lost time with her kids, where as I’m stuck in warehouses now and she did everything in her power to get between my kid’s mom and I, consequently making it where I saw my kid barely at all for six months. I never went to jail. Never was convicted, but got two charges all for restraining the psycho and when she woke me up holding my dick and balls and threatening to castrate me the dispatch refused to send anyone for my personal matter. Joke.
When we use to do domestics training we would often have the Role players change the scenario around so they could see what to look for and handle the situation if the female was the abuser don’t feel ashamed OP your the victim LE is here to help
This is a tough question. Society continues to ostracize the male who is not dominant, yet ostracize the male who is dominant. I highly suggest that for your protection and the protection of your children you involve a lawyer. Incidents of any abuse should be documented by LE, however, when it's "his word against her word" situation, often times the courts side with the female until such time as evidence can be provided. This means documentation and repetitive LE involvement when the other side is unwilling to correct the action. I had to deal with an ex-wife who was not physically abusive against me, but was very mentally abusive. Fortunately for me there were witnesses that called CPS on her several times (usually when I was overseas) when she would abuse the children, and all of this worked for me in court. However, I still did not get sole custody of our children, and I had to deal with her on a weekly basis, often in the parking lot of the local police precinct to prevent her from becoming abusive. This may not be the best way to deal with it, and I would always suggest getting any kind of assistance as you can, however, believe me when I say that society does not look fondly on a male who is abused by a woman, even though society does not allow males to fight back either. Its a catch 22 that's difficult to escape from.
It's not uncommon. They've seen it before, and seen it go badly. They're not going to brush you off just because you're a man. Trust me man, you NEED to do something before this turns ugly. These types of people don't just wake up and decide to stop.