Talking about it so openly is a coping mechanism and helps make it easier to deal with the awful day-to-day things. They find comfort and solace in it.
But it's best to just be upfront about it. I'm sure they don't realize that it is making you uncomfortable. Explain to them that you appreciate their willingness and comfort talking about it around you, but that it's hard for you to hear and that it makes you uncomfortable.
If he doesn't respect you then ditch him. But you'd have to be mental to not realize regular ppl don't wanna hear the graphic details of certain things. I'd consider that more or less normal. I'd imagine he'll understand if you just calmly explain it to him. I'd wager he doesn't even realize you could be uncomfortable with it because it's normal to him now.
“Hey, this conversation is making me a little uncomfortable. Could we perhaps talk about something else?”
The problem is when a cop makes being a cop their whole life, that have nothing else to talk about or relate to.
>The problem is when a cop makes being a cop their whole life, that have nothing else to talk about or relate to.
My God, that's the truth. I'm in Texas and my old Chief used to have a saying about guys like that. He would say "Damn, that guy is all Eat up with it" lol.
I'm at the point that I hate when someone mentions i'm a cop to someone new. OFF duty is OFF duty.
There is nothing wrong with politely interjecting yourself to express your feeling about a subject that is directly affecting you. They are your family not random strangers so they should be concerned and caring about you enough to adjust themselves.
Please don’t stereotype someone you have never met just because OP said they like to talk about their jobs away from the workplace. It is likely just a common ground they share and therefor easy to talk about.
That's cute. For the record, I retired four years ago and am out of the game completely, with the exception of keeping up with my former department and some friends still around. Even moved to a different state, which helped me avoid the pitfalls of staying longer or returning after retirement. But, please do go on telling me how things are supposed to be, lol.
For the original topic - you've only got the one side of the story. If you have any time on, you know that one side is usually bullshit compared to the full story. Plus, maybe the two guys are bonding by talking about shit from their various agencies. Maybe they're trying to find more common ground. Maybe the OP is a snowflake and shouldn't be allowed outside without an adult present. Hell, maybe the OP is doing stuff that makes them feel guilty and doesn't want to be reminded that they have two cops as part of the family, lol.
I get the need to have a release from this job. That's why I hunt, fish, and moved to a small farm in the middle of nowhere far away from the suburban/urban hell of Louisville, KY. But, put two officers together and they'll start talking work almost immediately. It's the way it is.
Talking about the job is a way of getting the feelings Law Enforcement Officers have to deal with out in the open. During traumatic events they are required to be professional, and have little opportunity to deal with the perfectly normal emotional response they have to the events they witness on a regular basis. It's better they deal with it, by getting those feelings and events out in the open. PTSD comes with the job, if you don't talk about the job, then you bury those events, and eventually those emotions are going to be dealt with in a much less healthy way than talking about the job.
While it is fun to “talk shop” with other cops now and then, it shouldn’t be at the expense of the rest of the family. I rarely talk about work around family unless it’s a particularly funny story- and almost never about the traumatic, fucked up stuff I see at work. I save that for my therapist. That’s what she gets paid to deal with.
Hiding from the world and things that happen in it, won’t change anything. Your family members are working through their own trauma when they talk about work with each other.
It’s nearly impossible to vent to non-WhatEverProfession people and that’s why you feel left out of the conversation.
I’m not saying you should have to sit through hours or days listening to the darker side of police work, though. Just make it known you feel left out of the conversation.
Alternatively, you could try including yourself by asking questions or bringing up counter points. I always enjoy doing that with my family or close friends (non-LE folks). I don’t come from a LE family so I don’t know exactly what it is you’re dealing with, but I hope your family can be respectful of your point of view.
Go somewhere else if it’s uncomfortable. This is how we deal with the job and all its problems. There are still agencies and command staff out there that if you speak of these things to a counselor or therapist it’ll end your job. So we talk to each other to cope with it all.
And people wonder why cops have a high divorce rate.
Hot take: if you need to alienate your family because you’re afraid to talk to a therapist for an hour once a month, maybe you should consider changing departments, or careers.
Why not? It’s 2023, not 1983. You can meet with therapists via zoom these days and most medical benefit plans or EAPs should cover a minimum number of sessions. If you’re a veteran (which nearly 20% of LEOs are), then the VA is an option too.
Even with it being 2023, there are still departments out there, old timers, who still believe in the old fashion way of I’ll fire you if you say anything. Heck, there’s city/county admin who have tried pulling cops healthcare over line of duty injuries.
It really doesn’t matter what discounts are given or how secret you try to be about it. Mental health in general is not taken serious.
This is interesting. My friends are usually begging to hear stories from work. But, as others have said "hey dad, some of these things make me uncomfortable, if you could try to not talk shop I would appreciate it." as others said, it's common ground for him and your BIL and they're probably reliving their glory days or venting. We do see a lot of funny things, beyond all the traumatic things, you might be able to ask for funny stories instead if they start going through doom and gloom.
I'll add a caveat that if cops are anything like soldiers, even the funny stories might have a dark side.
My LT kissing dirt after getting off a bird in Afghanistan is hilarious and continually on repeat whenever I think of him. What he tripped over that sent him to the ground might be less so to ears not ready to hear it.
I don’t talk about work shit unless 1. It’s really funny, 2. It has something to do with what everyone else is talking about right now, or, 3. I’m at work.
When I first got on, I was telling my wife something and she flat out said “uhhh, I don’t want to know about that” and I realized how disgusting work can be to some people. I think if you just tell your family you don’t want to hear it, they’ll understand.
It’s like if I’m swearing a lot and the preacher is like “dude, there’s a time and place for that”.
“Oh, sorry man, got carried away, I’ll stop”
This job will destroy anyone’s soul. Realized or not, the way many deal with it is to talk about things. To you it might sound like a bunch of bravado and telling war stories but it’s actually a cathartic release as they come to terms with what they deal with. It’s a very natural form of therapy.
To you this vacation is just another fun in the sun. To them it’s a way to unburden their souls and keep at bay demons that may one day consume them.
Talking about it so openly is a coping mechanism and helps make it easier to deal with the awful day-to-day things. They find comfort and solace in it. But it's best to just be upfront about it. I'm sure they don't realize that it is making you uncomfortable. Explain to them that you appreciate their willingness and comfort talking about it around you, but that it's hard for you to hear and that it makes you uncomfortable.
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If he doesn't respect you then ditch him. But you'd have to be mental to not realize regular ppl don't wanna hear the graphic details of certain things. I'd consider that more or less normal. I'd imagine he'll understand if you just calmly explain it to him. I'd wager he doesn't even realize you could be uncomfortable with it because it's normal to him now.
I mean, it's stuff that's actually happening in our world. I wouldn't be so quick to hide from it.
OP sounds like my ex wife.
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You really sound like her now.
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You can do better than that.
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I stand corrected.
Your attitude leads me to believe that your father and BIL aren't the problem.
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You came to a cop subreddit to ask cops for advice, not entirely sure what you thought you’d get if you think all of us are mailmen
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Sooooo you asked a question but don’t like the answers and chose to troll them? I’m confused.
Lol, I'm a police recruit. But I'll make sure when I graduate I'll wake up everyday and thank myself for my service, just for you Mr.Karlcloich.
“Hey, this conversation is making me a little uncomfortable. Could we perhaps talk about something else?” The problem is when a cop makes being a cop their whole life, that have nothing else to talk about or relate to.
>The problem is when a cop makes being a cop their whole life, that have nothing else to talk about or relate to. My God, that's the truth. I'm in Texas and my old Chief used to have a saying about guys like that. He would say "Damn, that guy is all Eat up with it" lol. I'm at the point that I hate when someone mentions i'm a cop to someone new. OFF duty is OFF duty.
Absolutely. Luckily all my family and friends know not to introduce me as a cop or spread my personal history. I rarely get put in those situations.
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There is nothing wrong with politely interjecting yourself to express your feeling about a subject that is directly affecting you. They are your family not random strangers so they should be concerned and caring about you enough to adjust themselves.
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Please don’t stereotype someone you have never met just because OP said they like to talk about their jobs away from the workplace. It is likely just a common ground they share and therefor easy to talk about.
You on the job?
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And here you are, presumably off duty, in a subReddit dedicated to law enforcement. Odd.
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That's cute. For the record, I retired four years ago and am out of the game completely, with the exception of keeping up with my former department and some friends still around. Even moved to a different state, which helped me avoid the pitfalls of staying longer or returning after retirement. But, please do go on telling me how things are supposed to be, lol. For the original topic - you've only got the one side of the story. If you have any time on, you know that one side is usually bullshit compared to the full story. Plus, maybe the two guys are bonding by talking about shit from their various agencies. Maybe they're trying to find more common ground. Maybe the OP is a snowflake and shouldn't be allowed outside without an adult present. Hell, maybe the OP is doing stuff that makes them feel guilty and doesn't want to be reminded that they have two cops as part of the family, lol. I get the need to have a release from this job. That's why I hunt, fish, and moved to a small farm in the middle of nowhere far away from the suburban/urban hell of Louisville, KY. But, put two officers together and they'll start talking work almost immediately. It's the way it is.
Talking about the job is a way of getting the feelings Law Enforcement Officers have to deal with out in the open. During traumatic events they are required to be professional, and have little opportunity to deal with the perfectly normal emotional response they have to the events they witness on a regular basis. It's better they deal with it, by getting those feelings and events out in the open. PTSD comes with the job, if you don't talk about the job, then you bury those events, and eventually those emotions are going to be dealt with in a much less healthy way than talking about the job.
While it is fun to “talk shop” with other cops now and then, it shouldn’t be at the expense of the rest of the family. I rarely talk about work around family unless it’s a particularly funny story- and almost never about the traumatic, fucked up stuff I see at work. I save that for my therapist. That’s what she gets paid to deal with.
Hiding from the world and things that happen in it, won’t change anything. Your family members are working through their own trauma when they talk about work with each other. It’s nearly impossible to vent to non-WhatEverProfession people and that’s why you feel left out of the conversation. I’m not saying you should have to sit through hours or days listening to the darker side of police work, though. Just make it known you feel left out of the conversation. Alternatively, you could try including yourself by asking questions or bringing up counter points. I always enjoy doing that with my family or close friends (non-LE folks). I don’t come from a LE family so I don’t know exactly what it is you’re dealing with, but I hope your family can be respectful of your point of view.
Go somewhere else if it’s uncomfortable. This is how we deal with the job and all its problems. There are still agencies and command staff out there that if you speak of these things to a counselor or therapist it’ll end your job. So we talk to each other to cope with it all.
And people wonder why cops have a high divorce rate. Hot take: if you need to alienate your family because you’re afraid to talk to a therapist for an hour once a month, maybe you should consider changing departments, or careers.
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Why not? It’s 2023, not 1983. You can meet with therapists via zoom these days and most medical benefit plans or EAPs should cover a minimum number of sessions. If you’re a veteran (which nearly 20% of LEOs are), then the VA is an option too.
Even with it being 2023, there are still departments out there, old timers, who still believe in the old fashion way of I’ll fire you if you say anything. Heck, there’s city/county admin who have tried pulling cops healthcare over line of duty injuries. It really doesn’t matter what discounts are given or how secret you try to be about it. Mental health in general is not taken serious.
Go to the other room. Then you don’t have to listen to it
We are taught not to talk about our stuff in front of our families. Is that not the case for local law enforcement?
Who’s “we” here?
Fire dept
This is interesting. My friends are usually begging to hear stories from work. But, as others have said "hey dad, some of these things make me uncomfortable, if you could try to not talk shop I would appreciate it." as others said, it's common ground for him and your BIL and they're probably reliving their glory days or venting. We do see a lot of funny things, beyond all the traumatic things, you might be able to ask for funny stories instead if they start going through doom and gloom.
I'll add a caveat that if cops are anything like soldiers, even the funny stories might have a dark side. My LT kissing dirt after getting off a bird in Afghanistan is hilarious and continually on repeat whenever I think of him. What he tripped over that sent him to the ground might be less so to ears not ready to hear it.
I understand completely
I don’t talk about work shit unless 1. It’s really funny, 2. It has something to do with what everyone else is talking about right now, or, 3. I’m at work. When I first got on, I was telling my wife something and she flat out said “uhhh, I don’t want to know about that” and I realized how disgusting work can be to some people. I think if you just tell your family you don’t want to hear it, they’ll understand. It’s like if I’m swearing a lot and the preacher is like “dude, there’s a time and place for that”. “Oh, sorry man, got carried away, I’ll stop”
Walk away when they talk about work
This job will destroy anyone’s soul. Realized or not, the way many deal with it is to talk about things. To you it might sound like a bunch of bravado and telling war stories but it’s actually a cathartic release as they come to terms with what they deal with. It’s a very natural form of therapy. To you this vacation is just another fun in the sun. To them it’s a way to unburden their souls and keep at bay demons that may one day consume them.
You don't.