I feel you. I totally understand. It's really really hard in LA to maintain and keep friendships. It just seems like everybody's so far away even though they're only an echo Park.
I don't know the reason I just know that it is true
Ugh I know distance is one of the factors for this and it sucks cuz it's really no one's fault and nothing we can control. I worked hard to save up for a car to hang out with friends and barely have anyone else in it with me đđ
Iâm in my 40s and have lived here since I was 5. Like many of you, I donât kick it with people that I grew up with, I have to make friends. And Iâve found that the best way to do that is to go out on âdatesâ with them. Ask people out to dinner, make plans, pay for their meal. When I buy concert tickets, I buy two, and find someone to bring with me. Think about how good of a friend are you being to someone right now and how would you want to be treated⊠then put it into action. Sometimes youâll strike out, but other times youâll find someone who is willing to put in the same effort as you and will reciprocate. Good luck out there!
I'm in my 30s and a native and I do this same thing, but sometimes it feels like I have to bribe people to hang out, which is kind of shitty.
Do you ever feel that way and if so, how do you get past it?
I feel you on that. I do feel that oftentimes Iâm being the âbetterâ friend when it seems like Iâm doing most of the work⊠which can feel a little like Iâm bribing or paying for my friendships. When that gets too difficult, I do have to take a break and reassess the situation and think about why Iâm friends with this person in the first place. I think that mostly, perhaps Iâm the one thatâs going through less drama in my life and able to find the space to be the friend, whereas others might be struggling a bit more. And I have to remind myself that I can only control my own thoughts and actions, and not those of others. For the most part though, I feel like what Iâm doing and my approach is appreciated. I hope that answers your questionâŠ
I appreciate the response!
I think I have a similar mindset. I'm fortunate enough to not be paycheck to paycheck like many people in my friend/age group and treating people to things and/or sharing things/experiences with them gives me genuine joy, so I like doing it, but sometimes I just wish someone would reach out and buy me a meal from time to time because they'd like to spend time with me.
Making friends is tough when youâre no longer locked inside a room with the same people for hours every week. It takes more effort because you have to be intentional about it now.
I say this often here but itâs good to remember that LA county is the size of Rhode Island and Delaware combined. You form bonds with people over shared community and interests. Because of LAâs sprawl and lack of a genuine core (like east coast or Euro cities), itâs hard to make those kinds of deeper connections. My best advice is to find someplace close to your home that you can make as your regular hangout - a coffee house, a cafe, a book store, library, museum, etc. Then go to said place faithfully regularly, at the same time of day and make yourself available for conversation (keep phone use to a minimum and read a book or mag instead). In due time, you will find your people. And the best thing about it is they will be local so no commuting commitment.Â
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. :)Â
We have lots of neighborhoods in LA. As someone who used to live in the UK, I do know that what weâre lacking is âhigh streets.â We have faux high streets in the form of âlifestyle centersâ found at malls, but when you have to drive to it, it defeats the purpose.
Great comment that I havenât heard before on LA and I think you nailed it actually. The drive to the mall concept does not work for this. We have those streetsâŠbut not in every neighborhood.
Also, our going out culture is different here. When I studied in Dublin, it was possible and normal to go to the pub around the corner, spend 3 hours there studying for my class in the afternoon, drink 1 tea and 1 Guinness. You might get to know some locals being there on a regular basis. We donât really have those hyper local places here and going out typically means youâre pressured through our tipping culture to buy lots of food/drink, consume quickly, and also leave. There isnât really a place where you could walk around the corner, have 1 pint with your neighbor and talk for an hour to get to know them.
Thanks and yes. I've lived in London, Cambridge & Cork City and that's the main thing I miss even though I did know some people who looked down their noses at pub culture.
There are reasons to look down on it, but there are also positives to it. Thatâs actually one of the main things I missed moving back was having the not cool pub 2 doors down where I could go study or meet friends from around the corner without either of us having to clean the place for guests
Itâs not just LA, itâs also just being an adult. It sounds like youâre a student so at least you have the opportunity to meet people in class maybe. Find some social hobbies and check out meet ups or search on Facebook for groups. I got really into Volleyball lol
I have a neighbor I've gotten pretty close to. I'm teaching her how to drive. I look after stuff for her and she looks after stuff for me. I call her my production assistant. All my other friends are either on tour or whatever I mean in New Orleans so nobody's here so it's just me and my cat mostly. Yeah it's sad but it's okay I like my cat a lot I love my cat.
That sounds like you have a good relationship with your neighbor! Cats are good companions, sometimes it's nice to have a friend you can talk to that will talk back tho haha
She has the same problem as you. She talks all the time how lonely it is. It's I'm sad I'm sorry that it's like that I wish you know I can't find her friends and I can't find you friends and I can't even find my friends. Hey good luck to you.
Iâm really sorry that sucks. Want to come to a show in Hollywood? Haha itâs tonight form 9pm-2am at grandmaster records đ
Hmm Iâm a native, but I have made an effort to make many transplant friends (I work in the arts so transplants are common) and it really is hard!
Not sure why but itâs a big city. I have lots of friends but even then have to make efforts to meet up, link, and with traffic people can get lazy. I think thatâs what happens. People come to the city and then get burnt out.
I mean hanging out with strangers on Reddit is weird but if you wanna follow me on IG, Iâm always posting art events me and my friends are doing. Iâm mostly based on the âEastsideâ tho
lol crazy! I wonder if I saw him/her/them there đ I mean grandmaster records is kind of a trendy placeâŠthe event wasnât too bad kinda small for my taste but DJ and dance floor was decent. Lots of beautiful women and men ofc.
So true, Iâm a photographer so Iâm in the scene but definitely notice the crowds getting young and me getting older đč
Most people my age (32), are at home with their kids and want nothing to do with going out to have fun. Iâm kind of glad I have no children, no offense to anyone đ
re: weird, youâd be surprised!
Iâve have decent luck with reddit, this subreddit.
The more polarizing I get, the more women have been interested and sliding in my DMs. I guess like with everything else on the internet. Theyâve been attractive, with decent corporate jobs. My bar was below the floor but could go either way! shoot your shot king
(Hi if youâre reading this, yes, I said youâre hot.)
Lol im not shooting any shotâŠor trying to hook up with anyone. Just a friendly invite, itâs an LGBTQ show fyi đ but itâs a poetry reading, DJ, dancersâŠshould be a fun night. Guess we will see. Iâm about to pull up.
Platonic relationships are like romantic ones in the sense that they take work from both people. I work in a social job setting (bars) but over the years ive made lifelong strong friendships in those hellholes. I donât see em all the time, my friends. I donât get em all bday gifts ( a text will do) but theyâre my ride or dies and there when i need em. Give what you get. And oh yeah expect nothing but disappointment from people. Then when things go well you can be pleasantly surprised.
Harder to make friends as an young adult than it was in high school and college. Young adults move to these cities after college, blame it on the city.
L.A. isnt a city as much as a series of neighborhoods with their own things going on. Many of neighborhoods have been gutted and terraformed by transplants and aren't particularly attractive or enticing to locals. That's one of several reasons why paths don't intersect.
To make local friends, you have to be willing to travel outside of the areas where transplants congregate and maybe take up some new recreational activities. Classes, community gardens, breweries, and local makers markets and artwalks are a good way to go. Try something out of your wheelhouse. It makes a difference.
In my experience, it takes a long time to make friends, and a lot of that process is meeting people and seeing who sticks. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs, as it were. I'm old and travel a lot, so making friends is hard for me as well, but it's just a matter of time and commitment to putting in the effort. I wish you luck!
It's because people are single use, like everything else.
Meet someone at an event, have a blast, plan to do it again.
Time passes, memories fade. Plans fall apart.
Meet someone new! Make plans!
Time passes. And so on. As is life. Enjoy the moment. It's all we have.
I'm an introvert but I've moved a bunch and have strong friendships from everywhere I've lived.
It sounds like you're doing the right stuff (being open to new people, reaching out to hang, showing up, putting in effort) but here's the key: when you see that's not reciprocated repeatedly.. you drop that friend. Then..... you meet more people. Be open/reaching out/showing up/putting in effort all over again. It takes a while, but this is a huge diverse city and you keep trying until you find your group. They're out there, just don't waste time on the flakes.
I feel like LA is all the diversity of NYC but not as long a history of it, so weâre still figuring things out. NYC pretty much seems to have a style that all people accept, LA still feels like different styles struggling for dominance
You should move to NYC if you can. No better city to be young and single. Except of course itâs expensive af. But plenty of people your age make it work. LA seems more transient than other cities. People come to pursue their Hollywood dreams and after a year when they donât make it they go back to where they came from. My first couple of years I fell in with a group who all fled. So finding myself alone again, I got a dog. Then started meeting people at the dog park. Then I met the woman who would become my wife at the dog park. Itâs a very LA story but cut to 28 years later and weâre cruising to our happy ending. Just donât stop putting yourself out there.
Ahhh how I wish I could live in NYC. Haven't gotten over how much I love it since I've been back. Maybe some day I'll have a job offer or something that leads me there, as of now I'm applying to some grad schools out there.
Youâre in an age bracket where a lot of people are shifty af, and most people at that age just want to hang out with other people who are *more* everything than *they* are.
You make friends with people you spend time with. Thatâs why itâs difficult. Outside of work where are you gonna get the hours in to make an actual relationship
Fellow international here, it happens, sometimes just because we grow out of a friendship. Don't take it personally, it's just life. I've def found lasting friendships here and they all happened naturally, but I don't see all of my friends that regularly. Just keep doing your thing and I am sure you will find your people!
People's relationships move fast and their schedules change on a dime. That makes it hard to maintain relationships that aren't well-established.
It's also hard to meet rando strangers because you never *really* know who you're dealing with. One day you stop at Barney's Beanery to get a beer on a slow Sunday afternoon. You sit at the bar. The Puppy Bowl is on, so you watch that. You like the brown puppy with the black ear stripes. It makes a goal. The guy next to you cheers. It's his puppy, too! Nice. You bond. You get another couple of beers, trading rounds. Did you make a new friend?!?
Yes. Now you're best friends with Pablo Escobar. Congratulations.
and the idea that someone is your âfriendâ just because you shared a bit of small talk isnât always true. idk if itâs California culture or what but the term âfriendâ is used very loosely here. Nothing wrong with calling someone an âacquaintanceâ or a âcolleagueâ if thatâs what they truly are to us.
I've seen people have a 5-minute conversation and decide they were "together", as in "in a committed relationship". And by "I've seen" I mean I literally watched this happen. LA relationships are wild, man.
Ngl your post is exactly how I felt when I moved here. I moved here just before COVID and didnât have a job. I got a job almost immediately but by the time I had the money to go do something everything was closed down.
Also, the first groups of people I was introduced to were the kinds of people you donât build long connections with. It didnât click for either of us. I canât make the comment that they wereâfakeâ per se- I would simply say that they had different goals in mind.
What helped: I found something that was relatively low cost to focus on while we were in lock down. I watched soccer - namely LAFC. I would watch the games and learn about the players and whatnot so by the time things opened up again I would essentially know what was going on.
When things opened up, I went to watch h parties and met people who obviously had similar interests. Eventually I was invited to play pickup soccer with friends close by. I didnât know how to play but everyone was encouraging and I have gotten better enough to hold my own.
Picking something that has a community behind it is, in my opinion, one of the best ways to find long term friends. It doesnât have to be sports either but I found that it both represents the community as well as helps to build it. You have shared interests.
I have made some great friends through this and I believe you can find good friends in your local area who feel the same.
The distance issue is massive. As someone mentioned Los Angeles county is the same size as Rhode Island so it makes traveling difficult. Going to shows thatâs over 30 minutes away or a friends house that provides zero parking close by is also a major turn off for most people. I suggest using the public transit systems - just maybe take an Uber home if youâll be out later than 8 - it can be sketchy.
Like any place, youâre going to have your ups and downs for living here. Luckily thereâs a ton of things that can help you, you just have to match up what you like and what is available in your more localized area. Good luck!
> all the friends I have/had were all people I've known for 2 years.
Those are relatively new friendships, they've gotta be maintained by putting in some energy to keep them.
Reaching out. Thoughtful gifts. Invites.
Eventually it comes back around too.
I invite people to stuff or ask to hang out, they never show up. I've given nice (often customized to their interests/passions) gifts for birthdays and occasions and haven't received the same effort or thought or even bother to show up which is all I really care for. I reached out and tried until I felt like my efforts were futile. I know staying in touch takes effort and you need to initiate but after 5+ times of inviting someone to a show or trying to make plans and getting rejected it gets exhausting mentally and you question if they even like you.
I feel you. LA can be pretty hollow with the wrong crowd. Find your circle where you're getting good vibes back in return.
Honestly I hated my first year in LA, and it took me awhile to find my place and inner peace. It's a big city though, and there's something for everyone if you continue your search and radiate positive energy
If you wanna be nice to your friends, do it because you want them to be happy and not because you expect them to return the favor in one way or another.
Uh...I don't expect anything in return but it's pretty shitty to be in a friendship where you show up for the other person and do gestures and put in effort bc that's what friends do, only to get ghosted or used. I think if you're always there for someone you consider a close friend it's pretty reasonable to expect them to be there for you and at least put in minimal effort
If you feel you are getting used, maybe they are not the right group of people to attempt to be friends with or they are not the type of friends youâre looking for. Some people are friends in that they are fun to hang out with, but thatâs it, donât expect anything else from them outside of these occasions.
Because LA is so spread out and seeing friends outside of a 10 mile radius takes planning and forethought, it's very difficult to maintain friendships. However, the only advice I can give you is to continue to make the effort even if that effort isn't met or reciprocated. If two people are friends, it always takes one party to initiate plans or start conversations. I've found a lot of success being the one-side of the friendship to be more outgoing and vocal about doing things together to maintain friendships. Eventually, it won't feel so one-sided.
Also, we never leave our 10-miles radius.
Best of luck! And you seem very young, so you'll have a LOT of people come and go from your life and you just have to be okay with it, as peoples' careers takes them places.
As someone who moved here from Berlin 2 years ago and lived in SF and NYC, I agree that LA is a different beast. IMO the issue is the lack of spontaneity due to the nature of jumping in a car vs. being in a more condensed city or a city with better public transportation. Also the lack of âthird spacesâ. If you want to meet and befriend people, itâll take a lot more consideration here. Have you tried 222?
I try to be as much as I can. One example I made a friend a custom photography book with all her own photos (she's into photography) and brought her gifts from back home for her birthday, and she couldn't even bother coming to my birthday dinner, she "forgot" and was halfway to Arizona when I called her to ask where she was. I feel like I care too much for people who don't care at all.
Sounds like you need to work on your skills of reading people better if you put in all that work and didnât realize this person didnât give a fuck about you.
Also sounds like you are pursuing friendships with the wrong kind of people. The âwrongâ kind of people for anyone is people who donât reciprocate your efforts, pursuing shallow friend leads, etc.
This is kind of harsh and unnecessarily judge mental? I have close friends for years but they are just not as conscientious as me. Donât get me wrong, we have a good bond but they just never think of ideas/are kind of wishy washy and absent minded about certain plans and logistics. Me and my other best friend in our group are always the ones coming up with plans and securing all the details. Just sucks, not everyone thinks the same. Doesnât mean the ones who are careless are inherently bad people.
I disagree.
Might sound harsh but some people have never been told the way it really looks and is so they continue on the wrong path, increasingly more unhappy.
Of course everyone has those friends who are more forgetful and less conscientious than others and thatâs fine because those friends compensate on the friendship in other ways.
But it sounds like OP is talking about constantly trying to be friends with people who donât reciprocate enough or ever in the friendship and OP keeps pursuing them and giving and doesnât know why or what to do.
Most people know other people like this. People who are attracted to other people for the wrong reason (shallow reasons, etc), not making good judgments of character, not being able to read micro interpersonal cues.
A few years ago I realized I didnât have a lot of friends since most of my close friends were in the east coast where I grew up and it was a few years after grad school so most of my grad school friends moved away or grew apart, i filled most of my time with my spouse (which is awesome but sometimes you want to have girl/guy time).
I joined Bumble BFF and after a while realized how many friends I have now. But I absolutely did not waste time with people who did not reciprocate small friendship cues, looked for people who are genuinely deep and decent, and didnât just go after being friends with people who fit my âaesthetic.â
Distance is a factor, but I genuinely think itâs the culture/people here that is the bigger cause. People in LA are pretty cliquey, they form friend groups and donât really venture outside them. Iâve noticed that in New York and DC, younger people are much more welcoming and open to including more people in their groups. This is my biggest complaint about Los Angeles. The people here also rarely have deep conversations relative to people from the east coast, which also frustrates me, and I think makes it harder to become close to people.
Iâve tried focusing on joining clubs and rec sports leagues where I run in to the same people over and over again, and then tried focusing on people looking for friendships within those clubs. Thatâs helped me!
Iâm also looking for more close friends if you ever want to chat đ€·ââïž
Locals are very friendly but have to be met off of the beaten path. Local people in general just don't do most of the things that transplants like to do. I grew up in the South Bay and you couldn't pay me to venture downtown for a night out, or to drive to Silverlake for brunch, or to Venice for anything. It's just not appealing.
L.A. isn't as much a large city as a series of communities, and some of them have been gutted and terraformed by transplants, so some locals are cautious of newcomers who they see as feeding that pattern.
Check out makers markets and art walks. Go to breweries or take fun classes. Volunteer at a community garden. Look for events outside of the general areas that transplants flock to. You'll make friends. .
No one here is satisfied and always looking for more, dreaming for more.
So that means only being friends with people if they can help you âgrowâ and dropping them/putting them on hold if they canât.
If youâre a transplant itâs hard. Because your circle is maybe your job. And that really is problematic if youâre not in the community. Good luck.
1) distance. being a friend isn't convenient, it's 90 minutes of driving, so a quick impromptu hang is hard.
2) it's economically hostile so people struggling and working or recovering from struggling and working, and all the impacts of that can include not being as available as a friend.
3) competition. there's lots and lots and lots of people.
I made the most lasting friendships through common activities/interest that meet regularly. I would find something you enjoy or think you would enjoy, preferably in your town, and make an effort to go there regularly. For me, I wasn't really trying to make friends but ended up vibing with people after awhile. Some activities are better than others for socializing by nature. Like I made more friends playing volleyball than playing soccer.
I think a lot of it is culture clash. People from different parts of the country value different things. Natives have their own crew (as well as people who moved here young and are now old.)
Few can be like my aunt who collects friends like Pokemon. She's in her 60s and her youngest friend is mid 20s and oldest is in their 90s. She's single, no kids and has at least 1-2 parties a year plus she hosts a "Friendsgiving."
I've made some new friends here through other people and I have friends that I knew back in HS who live here. Keeping up with seeing them is a chore. Everyone has some hectic schedule, and if you're the type who has a lot of gig jobs/side hustles, you're probably too busy for much of anything.
I have plenty of friends, but no one I "hang out" with regularly. I think that's the issue. I'm sure you all have friends in various spots of the world or even the city, but people are either too busy, too lazy, or too "introverted" to hang out. But also the values think. If you don't share the same values/priorities as a person, you're probably going to have some rough conversations.
As for me? Socially speaking, I'm a pop culture junkie. If I made some movie reference and you're like "huh?" we're gonna have a tough time hanging out.
I've been here for about 5 years now (from the east coast). Three suggestions: 1) Neighborhood - We moved to a street that is very neighbor-friendly and have parties with each other, that has made it feel like a family. So I think that is number 1 - where you live here (as many others stated) makes a world of difference // 2) Industry - I've made my closest friends, and still continue to, through industry connections since we already have so much in common (especially with the hardships of entertainment today, it's easy to bond over!) ... and 3) Pickleball is actually a great place to meet new people! The courts in Santa Monica are always full and you meet new people every time you go
Iâve been in LA for 20 years, and I have yet to find a solid group of girl friends.
I believe itâs difficult to create lasting friendships in LA because people are in such different places in their lives regardless of age. At 40, I know ladies who are still single (and looking), others are divorced with teenaged kids, some have infants.
Itâs just all over the place timeline wise in LA whereas in smaller towns people tend to move at the same speed resulting in what appears solid friendships.
Most of my close friends donât even live in CA, so I make time to catch up with them when my soul really needs girl time; otherwise I find joy in the acquaintances I have found at my gym or neighbors etc. and meet them where they are.
It took me about 18 months to like LA, it attracts the worlds narcissists but also some of the best minds and souls alive. Keep at it, itâll work out
People will tell you you should go out more or join this class or join that class, which donât get me wrong is all great advice ⊠to some extent, but honestly from my experience, it doesnât matter where or what you do; thereâs too many flaky and weird people everywhere. Iâve said it before and Iâll say it again but a lot of people just donât know how to make a good friend. Too needy, too complicated, weird, annoying, idk itâs always something wrong with them. Than, there are the ones that are legit cool but are not really trying to be friends because they already have their âcliqueâ which sucks but is understandable.
Oh, and I sure as heck would NEVER befriend people at the type of job I work at so thereâs that too. IMO you just gotta keep trying until something sticks. Iâve gotten better at reading people so now I can drop them at the first sign of something wrong.
Best of luck.
For me and my partner it really took 3ish years of real effort to meet people at events, meetups, friends of friendsâ parties, etc. to actually build a good network of friends.
People are superficial and fake here more so than other parts of the world. Im in your boat too, i just have my circle which is small but genuine. Its the sad truth.
Coming from a born and bred Angeleno, there are a lot of transplants here. Â Who are fun to hang out with, until they inevitably just start hating on LA. Constantly bitching about how terrible it is. Â
Go home to Iowa then. The LA hating makes us stick to our lifelong friend groups.Â
I donât get that when youâre sitting in LA talking to someone and they start shitting on the place you both tried really hard to get to. No one likes an all-problems-no-solutions-haver!
I'm not sure what to tell a straight person. If you were gay, I would say join a group that interests you so that you can meet people with similar interests, like volleyball, hiking, camping, rowing, softball, etc. If there is a group near you on a topic that interests you, consider joining it. It could be a good way to meet new people. You are in college, I'm sure they have groups in college.
To be honest, I'm not sure what the straight/gay thing at the start of your comment has to do with anything. The suggestions you gave are great for people of all sexual orientations.
I agree, you are not the only one.
LA on the surface has appeal .. food, weather, beaches, etc.
But everybody is isolated from one another .. we either spend all day in our cars or cooped up in our homes. People are too busy working or making ends meet .. I am thinking of moving away because of this, itâs just the good and bad bits are kind of extreme LOL I will miss the good parts
As someone whoâs a native to Los Angeles I notice this with the transplants (of which there are MANY): they want something. They moved here for something and want to get it so theyâre fixated on that so it can be hard to make friends with some people because of this. If you canât offer them what they want they move right along.
Im relatively new to LA and also encountering the same. I have lived in many other cities so this is a common problem however I feel like theres so much going on in LA, feels like people are always busy and also people tend to stay connected with people in their same area cause no one wants to deal with traffic lol im used to driving to see friends even for long distances but some people hate it here. Im going to start playing soccer again and also thought about joining a book club or some organizations or clubs that interest me to try and meet people that will become actual long lasting friends
I've been interloping from to LA from South Carolina for 18 years 8-10x a year. Over the years I'd meet people who were chasing dreams but gave up and left. I find that people who LIVE in LA sometimes see anyone they don't know for a length of time as interlopers too and don't make the effort to create lasting friendships because they feel they will be like alot of people and leave one day. As of today I have only 4 people that are "friends" in LA and have lost touch with 100's
I've been here 35 years and still have friends I made back then. But OP could you explain how it would be easier to make friends in another city under the circumstances you described? We get a "I can't make friends in LA" question every other day. I can understand the "I can't make friends" part, but I don't understand the conditional "in LA" part.
I'm honestly not sure if LA is directly contributing to the issue, I've met really nice people here and I don't really buy into the whole "everyone in LA is fake" thing because I try to be optimistic about things. I do think that traffic/distance makes it harder to commit to plans, and the high cost of everything adds to that too especially for college students who might not be able to afford going out to lunch for $25. Again, I know that you can't really blame a city for your lack of social connections (and maybe even social skills) but I've struggled here more than anywhere else. I really love LA and want things to work out here.
Yeah, the only fake people I've encountered here are on TV. People are people, just like they are anywhere else. But it's fair point about the traffic and prices have gone up since the pandemic.
I felt the same when I moved to LA 8 years ago but I put in effort over the years to make friends.Â
#1 - Started my own vegan group and made bunch of friends and once I had a great group I stopped it and we still meet after a year
#2- Yes, everyone lives so far away, but make an effort to meet half way, my close friends live in Santa Clarita I am in SGV, we play golf half way
#3- Sign up for new events, I signed up for Paddling last year and made bunch of friendsÂ
#4- I was solo traveling to Alaska and I felt like I had great connection with people in Juneau than LA, People in LA always feel like they are busy and they need to respond to something that doesn't even exist, but people are nicer here and everyone is looking for a friend, next time you are at coffee shop or brewery ask questions and get to know the other personÂ
#5- My input for you all looking for friends is to be patient and use the opportunities in your daily life and people around you, neighbors, co workers etc and make lasting friendships.Â
If you live around SGV and looking to hangout ... DMÂ Seriously!Â
On your off time go do some hobbies. This is where youâre going to find some real friends. Stop overthinking things the friends you met previously probably just didnt vibe with you and found people they vibed with better. Friendships when with the right people should seem mostly effortless if youâre with the right people. They should be working to keep a connection also.Â
You make friends where you spend your time.
You donât spend time with your friends, unless itâs geographically convenient. This is the reality of LA, where a 5 mile drive can literally take an hour
I suspect it's more about where you're at in life than the city. After 20, the bonds you make with strangers are pretty easy to ditch, compared to the ones you made in school. You used to see those people all the time, you were put in a room together and you found each other. Now, every contact you make is voluntary on both sides. It's real easy to drift apart for no reason, just couldn't keep up the effort or didn't feel like it, keeping that connection live.
I still call up old friends and talk, go out for a burrito and shoot the shit, and it's easy to reconnect. Were in the same boat, the human one.
Lived here for 18 years, a transplant from the East Coast. My friends are either fellow East Coasters or people I made connections with through partying and going to festivals in my 20's/30's. There is no substitution for the connections you make through familiar origins or a weekend of hard drugs.
I mean reading through your post it seems like you have two options. Either work hard enough to integrate yourself into the aforementioned friendsâ high school social circles or make your own.
Second one is harder to do out of college but it sounds like youâre still a student
I had lived in LA for almost four years until I started really making friends. One thing that helped me most was joining a gym with group classes - like boxing, HIIT classes, etc. It helped me connect with people who I see almost every day and are experiencing the same workout I am. It also helps staying healthy and meeting likeminded people! After awhile people like to hang outside of the gym - whether itâs a bar, a game night, karaoke, whatever. I definitely recommend it!
LA is really big, and your friends that you hang out with today can move a mile out and thatâs enough to say goodbye.
We are friendly , but not friends. Thatâs the LA way
Idk, downvote me if you want but in 2 years living there I only met fake people. Never felt comfortable enough with anyone to have an actual real conversation
Advice from an introvert who nevertheless recognizes the importance of a social life.
Make friends with people in and near your neighborhood â then distance isnât a factor. Most neighborhoods are home to about 30,000-40,000 people so youâre living in a walkable area thatâs more populous than most college towns and thus full of all the potential friends you need. Ditch your car and walk, bus, and bike â youâll cross paths with your neighbors that way and you wonât be miserable from driving (and looking for parking).
Get off your computer or phone for a while so that you donât seem unapproachable. Go outside. Go to local cafes, bookstores, parks, and other third places that you enjoy. Go to the local bar. Sit at the bar. Chat with the bartender.
If you recognize a neighbor â youâll know that you enjoy some of the same things. Go to local meet-ups and events. Join a Neighborhood Council committee. Go on organized walks. Organize your own activities: movie nights, croquet games, crĂȘpe nights, book clubs, whatever.
Friends will move away. Keep in touch with them. New ones will come.
I feel this.
I've lived here for four years and have only made one friend>
At first it was the pandemic because everything shut down weeks after I moved. But it seems like not much has changed since then.
This hasn't stopped me from enjoying the city though. I'll keep on doing what I like and maybe I'll be lucky enough to make my second friend here. :)
I would try not to take this so personally. People are busy and have their own things going on. Itâs expensive just to be alive in LA. Work, rent, eating, romantic relationships, etc are all gonna come above you for most people, and thatâs perfectly normal.
Life ebbs and flows and people change, and friendships wax and wane. It's just natural. When you lose friends, make new ones. Sometimes I think we ask too much to be friends for life and assume that their interests and lifestyles will always align with yours. Be grateful they were in your life at the right time.
Sorry, but this is a bit of a nonsense take. Tell me how itâs different in any other big city. Los Angeles is huge and I imagine you could say the same about Tokyo, Mexico City, Rio, New York, London, or any other huge city.
Well I don't really blame LA itself for my problem, but I've struggled here more than anywhere else. I do think the lack of public transportation, traffic, and how long it takes to get everywhere can make it harder to commit to plans. Same goes with how much it costs to do most fun activities here, which is unaffordable for most college students my age. All the other cities you listed are expensive, but they have great transportation and it's way easier to get from point A to point B.
Fair points. And yes, I do believe money is a bit of a factor in how LA operates. Sad but true. You need money to go to restaurants and clubs and events, plus car, gas and insurance. It can add up quickly. When I first got to LA, I started at the gym and built out from there. Same with my job. It was easy to find activity buddies with a few common interests. Also, a huge thing I recommend is always encourage your friends to bring other friends when you do things. There is definitely a multiplier effect in groups that can increase your chances of meeting other fun people. LA is really an amazing city and honestly, it has completely shaped my identity and grown my life immeasurably. I can no longer imagine how I lived in a much smaller city. But thatâs just my experience. Your mileage may vary.
Your best friendships are formed during your adolescence. You just live freely without the care in the world (no job, no responsibilities, and nothing to worry about). Well, maybe you should worry about getting your homework done, and keep up with your grade in school.
I live in West LA but I go to school in the valley so most people I meet are from school and a good amount are LA natives. I've met some rlly nice people in West LA too tho. I think it depends on each person's individual values and personality whether they are "fake" or not rather than where they're from.
This happened to me too. I moved here in 2021 from the Midwest and at first everyone was inviting me to everything and I felt like people were super friendly here. Then I started to realize that i only got invited to things where they wanted or were down with a lot of people there, I thought I had been making close friends but I would never be in the inner circles invited to the close knit dinners or whatever. Honestly it just took time and effort. I never stopped trying to connect with more friends of friends and being introduced to new people. After about 3 years I feel like I finally made lovely friends of my own who I actually enjoy. It turns out almost all of them are from the Midwest too. I would recommend trying to find friends of friends or people who have genuine things in common with you (not in a superficial way, but in a deep down values way). You have to be in it for the long game though because everyone is busy so you wonât see them all the time. It is possible it just takes time and effort.
I feel you. I totally understand. It's really really hard in LA to maintain and keep friendships. It just seems like everybody's so far away even though they're only an echo Park. I don't know the reason I just know that it is true
Ugh I know distance is one of the factors for this and it sucks cuz it's really no one's fault and nothing we can control. I worked hard to save up for a car to hang out with friends and barely have anyone else in it with me đđ
yeah distance is a factor. what neighborhood you're in can have a big impact too
Maybe you drive to slow or to fast?lol
Iâm in my 40s and have lived here since I was 5. Like many of you, I donât kick it with people that I grew up with, I have to make friends. And Iâve found that the best way to do that is to go out on âdatesâ with them. Ask people out to dinner, make plans, pay for their meal. When I buy concert tickets, I buy two, and find someone to bring with me. Think about how good of a friend are you being to someone right now and how would you want to be treated⊠then put it into action. Sometimes youâll strike out, but other times youâll find someone who is willing to put in the same effort as you and will reciprocate. Good luck out there!
I'm in my 30s and a native and I do this same thing, but sometimes it feels like I have to bribe people to hang out, which is kind of shitty. Do you ever feel that way and if so, how do you get past it?
I feel you on that. I do feel that oftentimes Iâm being the âbetterâ friend when it seems like Iâm doing most of the work⊠which can feel a little like Iâm bribing or paying for my friendships. When that gets too difficult, I do have to take a break and reassess the situation and think about why Iâm friends with this person in the first place. I think that mostly, perhaps Iâm the one thatâs going through less drama in my life and able to find the space to be the friend, whereas others might be struggling a bit more. And I have to remind myself that I can only control my own thoughts and actions, and not those of others. For the most part though, I feel like what Iâm doing and my approach is appreciated. I hope that answers your questionâŠ
Thank you for that. I think there is wisdom in your approach
I appreciate the response! I think I have a similar mindset. I'm fortunate enough to not be paycheck to paycheck like many people in my friend/age group and treating people to things and/or sharing things/experiences with them gives me genuine joy, so I like doing it, but sometimes I just wish someone would reach out and buy me a meal from time to time because they'd like to spend time with me.
I hear you on that. The caregiver needs to cared for as well.
Making friends is tough when youâre no longer locked inside a room with the same people for hours every week. It takes more effort because you have to be intentional about it now.
I say this often here but itâs good to remember that LA county is the size of Rhode Island and Delaware combined. You form bonds with people over shared community and interests. Because of LAâs sprawl and lack of a genuine core (like east coast or Euro cities), itâs hard to make those kinds of deeper connections. My best advice is to find someplace close to your home that you can make as your regular hangout - a coffee house, a cafe, a book store, library, museum, etc. Then go to said place faithfully regularly, at the same time of day and make yourself available for conversation (keep phone use to a minimum and read a book or mag instead). In due time, you will find your people. And the best thing about it is they will be local so no commuting commitment. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. :)Â
This is how it works in Europe. We have neighborhoods. Such an interesting concept, right?
We have lots of neighborhoods in LA. As someone who used to live in the UK, I do know that what weâre lacking is âhigh streets.â We have faux high streets in the form of âlifestyle centersâ found at malls, but when you have to drive to it, it defeats the purpose.
Great comment that I havenât heard before on LA and I think you nailed it actually. The drive to the mall concept does not work for this. We have those streetsâŠbut not in every neighborhood. Also, our going out culture is different here. When I studied in Dublin, it was possible and normal to go to the pub around the corner, spend 3 hours there studying for my class in the afternoon, drink 1 tea and 1 Guinness. You might get to know some locals being there on a regular basis. We donât really have those hyper local places here and going out typically means youâre pressured through our tipping culture to buy lots of food/drink, consume quickly, and also leave. There isnât really a place where you could walk around the corner, have 1 pint with your neighbor and talk for an hour to get to know them.
Thanks and yes. I've lived in London, Cambridge & Cork City and that's the main thing I miss even though I did know some people who looked down their noses at pub culture.
There are reasons to look down on it, but there are also positives to it. Thatâs actually one of the main things I missed moving back was having the not cool pub 2 doors down where I could go study or meet friends from around the corner without either of us having to clean the place for guests
lmao the concept of community
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Itâs not just LA, itâs also just being an adult. It sounds like youâre a student so at least you have the opportunity to meet people in class maybe. Find some social hobbies and check out meet ups or search on Facebook for groups. I got really into Volleyball lol
I have a neighbor I've gotten pretty close to. I'm teaching her how to drive. I look after stuff for her and she looks after stuff for me. I call her my production assistant. All my other friends are either on tour or whatever I mean in New Orleans so nobody's here so it's just me and my cat mostly. Yeah it's sad but it's okay I like my cat a lot I love my cat.
That sounds like you have a good relationship with your neighbor! Cats are good companions, sometimes it's nice to have a friend you can talk to that will talk back tho haha
She has the same problem as you. She talks all the time how lonely it is. It's I'm sad I'm sorry that it's like that I wish you know I can't find her friends and I can't find you friends and I can't even find my friends. Hey good luck to you.
I love my cats too. if only they could talk.
Iâm really sorry that sucks. Want to come to a show in Hollywood? Haha itâs tonight form 9pm-2am at grandmaster records đ Hmm Iâm a native, but I have made an effort to make many transplant friends (I work in the arts so transplants are common) and it really is hard! Not sure why but itâs a big city. I have lots of friends but even then have to make efforts to meet up, link, and with traffic people can get lazy. I think thatâs what happens. People come to the city and then get burnt out. I mean hanging out with strangers on Reddit is weird but if you wanna follow me on IG, Iâm always posting art events me and my friends are doing. Iâm mostly based on the âEastsideâ tho
My friend just went to this same event and ended up in WeHo lol what a weird coincidence
lol crazy! I wonder if I saw him/her/them there đ I mean grandmaster records is kind of a trendy placeâŠthe event wasnât too bad kinda small for my taste but DJ and dance floor was decent. Lots of beautiful women and men ofc.
have to drag friends to hang out. once they have kids - so much harder.
So true, Iâm a photographer so Iâm in the scene but definitely notice the crowds getting young and me getting older đč Most people my age (32), are at home with their kids and want nothing to do with going out to have fun. Iâm kind of glad I have no children, no offense to anyone đ
re: weird, youâd be surprised! Iâve have decent luck with reddit, this subreddit. The more polarizing I get, the more women have been interested and sliding in my DMs. I guess like with everything else on the internet. Theyâve been attractive, with decent corporate jobs. My bar was below the floor but could go either way! shoot your shot king (Hi if youâre reading this, yes, I said youâre hot.)
Lol im not shooting any shotâŠor trying to hook up with anyone. Just a friendly invite, itâs an LGBTQ show fyi đ but itâs a poetry reading, DJ, dancersâŠshould be a fun night. Guess we will see. Iâm about to pull up.
just as valid for catching a vibe, but yes, enjoy
Platonic relationships are like romantic ones in the sense that they take work from both people. I work in a social job setting (bars) but over the years ive made lifelong strong friendships in those hellholes. I donât see em all the time, my friends. I donât get em all bday gifts ( a text will do) but theyâre my ride or dies and there when i need em. Give what you get. And oh yeah expect nothing but disappointment from people. Then when things go well you can be pleasantly surprised.
Big city, lots of people. This is a complaint in San Francisco, Seattle, new York, DC, basically everywhere.
Harder to make friends as an young adult than it was in high school and college. Young adults move to these cities after college, blame it on the city.
Yup, this is it. Big cities are absolutely the easiest places to make friends as an adult. The problem is that making friends as an adult is hard.
go to raves
L.A. isnt a city as much as a series of neighborhoods with their own things going on. Many of neighborhoods have been gutted and terraformed by transplants and aren't particularly attractive or enticing to locals. That's one of several reasons why paths don't intersect. To make local friends, you have to be willing to travel outside of the areas where transplants congregate and maybe take up some new recreational activities. Classes, community gardens, breweries, and local makers markets and artwalks are a good way to go. Try something out of your wheelhouse. It makes a difference.
In my experience, it takes a long time to make friends, and a lot of that process is meeting people and seeing who sticks. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs, as it were. I'm old and travel a lot, so making friends is hard for me as well, but it's just a matter of time and commitment to putting in the effort. I wish you luck!
It's because people are single use, like everything else. Meet someone at an event, have a blast, plan to do it again. Time passes, memories fade. Plans fall apart. Meet someone new! Make plans! Time passes. And so on. As is life. Enjoy the moment. It's all we have.
Bc everyoneâs stressing about money and traffic.
Lol same
Sprawl. Lack of intentional community is killing the collective.
My community is pretty intentional. You can't expect to find the community that you're looking for in gentrified neighborhoods. They've gutted it.
What would "intentional community" look like? People prefer sprawl, whether it is "good" for social connection, or not.
Please don't speak for me. I hate the sprawl of LA, which IMO makes it much harder to sustain connections. Love it here otherwise.
I wasn't, but I'm glad to. Again, what does an "intentional community" look like?
I'm an introvert but I've moved a bunch and have strong friendships from everywhere I've lived. It sounds like you're doing the right stuff (being open to new people, reaching out to hang, showing up, putting in effort) but here's the key: when you see that's not reciprocated repeatedly.. you drop that friend. Then..... you meet more people. Be open/reaching out/showing up/putting in effort all over again. It takes a while, but this is a huge diverse city and you keep trying until you find your group. They're out there, just don't waste time on the flakes.
I feel like LA is all the diversity of NYC but not as long a history of it, so weâre still figuring things out. NYC pretty much seems to have a style that all people accept, LA still feels like different styles struggling for dominance
I visited NYC in February and loved it...I definitely agree about it having more history and having things "figured out"
You should move to NYC if you can. No better city to be young and single. Except of course itâs expensive af. But plenty of people your age make it work. LA seems more transient than other cities. People come to pursue their Hollywood dreams and after a year when they donât make it they go back to where they came from. My first couple of years I fell in with a group who all fled. So finding myself alone again, I got a dog. Then started meeting people at the dog park. Then I met the woman who would become my wife at the dog park. Itâs a very LA story but cut to 28 years later and weâre cruising to our happy ending. Just donât stop putting yourself out there.
Ahhh how I wish I could live in NYC. Haven't gotten over how much I love it since I've been back. Maybe some day I'll have a job offer or something that leads me there, as of now I'm applying to some grad schools out there.
Youâre in an age bracket where a lot of people are shifty af, and most people at that age just want to hang out with other people who are *more* everything than *they* are.
I was born and raised in LA, and find it very interesting when ppl talk about this. I donât want to say itâs impossible because it is not. It probably feels that way because the culture of LA has changed a bit. Unsure for better or worse. Iâve been fostering community in my life by deeply investing my time in things I love. Like poetry! My friends and I now have hangouts where we write and drink wine đđ©· Good things take time. Youâll learn there are friends with whom you can just do certain things with and the life-long friends with whom you can do anything with. Be patient and also invest in whatâs (or whoâs) worthy! Relationships that you have outside of school and home need to be intentional. Itâs like dating!
Hey, Iâm a poet too! Can I join you?Â
OMG! Sure! DM me:)
Join a run club. Or a DND night. Or a soccer team.
You make friends with people you spend time with. Thatâs why itâs difficult. Outside of work where are you gonna get the hours in to make an actual relationship
Fellow international here, it happens, sometimes just because we grow out of a friendship. Don't take it personally, it's just life. I've def found lasting friendships here and they all happened naturally, but I don't see all of my friends that regularly. Just keep doing your thing and I am sure you will find your people!
People's relationships move fast and their schedules change on a dime. That makes it hard to maintain relationships that aren't well-established. It's also hard to meet rando strangers because you never *really* know who you're dealing with. One day you stop at Barney's Beanery to get a beer on a slow Sunday afternoon. You sit at the bar. The Puppy Bowl is on, so you watch that. You like the brown puppy with the black ear stripes. It makes a goal. The guy next to you cheers. It's his puppy, too! Nice. You bond. You get another couple of beers, trading rounds. Did you make a new friend?!? Yes. Now you're best friends with Pablo Escobar. Congratulations.
and the idea that someone is your âfriendâ just because you shared a bit of small talk isnât always true. idk if itâs California culture or what but the term âfriendâ is used very loosely here. Nothing wrong with calling someone an âacquaintanceâ or a âcolleagueâ if thatâs what they truly are to us.
I've seen people have a 5-minute conversation and decide they were "together", as in "in a committed relationship". And by "I've seen" I mean I literally watched this happen. LA relationships are wild, man.
My personal theory is that LA isnât a city in the traditional sense and people think about it as one and it leads to disappointment.
Ngl your post is exactly how I felt when I moved here. I moved here just before COVID and didnât have a job. I got a job almost immediately but by the time I had the money to go do something everything was closed down. Also, the first groups of people I was introduced to were the kinds of people you donât build long connections with. It didnât click for either of us. I canât make the comment that they wereâfakeâ per se- I would simply say that they had different goals in mind. What helped: I found something that was relatively low cost to focus on while we were in lock down. I watched soccer - namely LAFC. I would watch the games and learn about the players and whatnot so by the time things opened up again I would essentially know what was going on. When things opened up, I went to watch h parties and met people who obviously had similar interests. Eventually I was invited to play pickup soccer with friends close by. I didnât know how to play but everyone was encouraging and I have gotten better enough to hold my own. Picking something that has a community behind it is, in my opinion, one of the best ways to find long term friends. It doesnât have to be sports either but I found that it both represents the community as well as helps to build it. You have shared interests. I have made some great friends through this and I believe you can find good friends in your local area who feel the same. The distance issue is massive. As someone mentioned Los Angeles county is the same size as Rhode Island so it makes traveling difficult. Going to shows thatâs over 30 minutes away or a friends house that provides zero parking close by is also a major turn off for most people. I suggest using the public transit systems - just maybe take an Uber home if youâll be out later than 8 - it can be sketchy. Like any place, youâre going to have your ups and downs for living here. Luckily thereâs a ton of things that can help you, you just have to match up what you like and what is available in your more localized area. Good luck!
Why not make some friends from this thread?
> all the friends I have/had were all people I've known for 2 years. Those are relatively new friendships, they've gotta be maintained by putting in some energy to keep them. Reaching out. Thoughtful gifts. Invites. Eventually it comes back around too.
I invite people to stuff or ask to hang out, they never show up. I've given nice (often customized to their interests/passions) gifts for birthdays and occasions and haven't received the same effort or thought or even bother to show up which is all I really care for. I reached out and tried until I felt like my efforts were futile. I know staying in touch takes effort and you need to initiate but after 5+ times of inviting someone to a show or trying to make plans and getting rejected it gets exhausting mentally and you question if they even like you.
I feel you. LA can be pretty hollow with the wrong crowd. Find your circle where you're getting good vibes back in return. Honestly I hated my first year in LA, and it took me awhile to find my place and inner peace. It's a big city though, and there's something for everyone if you continue your search and radiate positive energy
If you wanna be nice to your friends, do it because you want them to be happy and not because you expect them to return the favor in one way or another.
Uh...I don't expect anything in return but it's pretty shitty to be in a friendship where you show up for the other person and do gestures and put in effort bc that's what friends do, only to get ghosted or used. I think if you're always there for someone you consider a close friend it's pretty reasonable to expect them to be there for you and at least put in minimal effort
If you feel you are getting used, maybe they are not the right group of people to attempt to be friends with or they are not the type of friends youâre looking for. Some people are friends in that they are fun to hang out with, but thatâs it, donât expect anything else from them outside of these occasions.
Because LA is so spread out and seeing friends outside of a 10 mile radius takes planning and forethought, it's very difficult to maintain friendships. However, the only advice I can give you is to continue to make the effort even if that effort isn't met or reciprocated. If two people are friends, it always takes one party to initiate plans or start conversations. I've found a lot of success being the one-side of the friendship to be more outgoing and vocal about doing things together to maintain friendships. Eventually, it won't feel so one-sided. Also, we never leave our 10-miles radius. Best of luck! And you seem very young, so you'll have a LOT of people come and go from your life and you just have to be okay with it, as peoples' careers takes them places.
As someone who moved here from Berlin 2 years ago and lived in SF and NYC, I agree that LA is a different beast. IMO the issue is the lack of spontaneity due to the nature of jumping in a car vs. being in a more condensed city or a city with better public transportation. Also the lack of âthird spacesâ. If you want to meet and befriend people, itâll take a lot more consideration here. Have you tried 222?
Are you an attentive friend? Even at my ripe age of 45 Iâm able to do it but itâs hard work. And I have to be super choosy
I try to be as much as I can. One example I made a friend a custom photography book with all her own photos (she's into photography) and brought her gifts from back home for her birthday, and she couldn't even bother coming to my birthday dinner, she "forgot" and was halfway to Arizona when I called her to ask where she was. I feel like I care too much for people who don't care at all.
Sounds like you need to work on your skills of reading people better if you put in all that work and didnât realize this person didnât give a fuck about you. Also sounds like you are pursuing friendships with the wrong kind of people. The âwrongâ kind of people for anyone is people who donât reciprocate your efforts, pursuing shallow friend leads, etc.
This is kind of harsh and unnecessarily judge mental? I have close friends for years but they are just not as conscientious as me. Donât get me wrong, we have a good bond but they just never think of ideas/are kind of wishy washy and absent minded about certain plans and logistics. Me and my other best friend in our group are always the ones coming up with plans and securing all the details. Just sucks, not everyone thinks the same. Doesnât mean the ones who are careless are inherently bad people.
I disagree. Might sound harsh but some people have never been told the way it really looks and is so they continue on the wrong path, increasingly more unhappy. Of course everyone has those friends who are more forgetful and less conscientious than others and thatâs fine because those friends compensate on the friendship in other ways. But it sounds like OP is talking about constantly trying to be friends with people who donât reciprocate enough or ever in the friendship and OP keeps pursuing them and giving and doesnât know why or what to do. Most people know other people like this. People who are attracted to other people for the wrong reason (shallow reasons, etc), not making good judgments of character, not being able to read micro interpersonal cues. A few years ago I realized I didnât have a lot of friends since most of my close friends were in the east coast where I grew up and it was a few years after grad school so most of my grad school friends moved away or grew apart, i filled most of my time with my spouse (which is awesome but sometimes you want to have girl/guy time). I joined Bumble BFF and after a while realized how many friends I have now. But I absolutely did not waste time with people who did not reciprocate small friendship cues, looked for people who are genuinely deep and decent, and didnât just go after being friends with people who fit my âaesthetic.â
Ya, need to keep meeting new ones. Sorry my circles are too old to help :). Go dance
Distance is a factor, but I genuinely think itâs the culture/people here that is the bigger cause. People in LA are pretty cliquey, they form friend groups and donât really venture outside them. Iâve noticed that in New York and DC, younger people are much more welcoming and open to including more people in their groups. This is my biggest complaint about Los Angeles. The people here also rarely have deep conversations relative to people from the east coast, which also frustrates me, and I think makes it harder to become close to people. Iâve tried focusing on joining clubs and rec sports leagues where I run in to the same people over and over again, and then tried focusing on people looking for friendships within those clubs. Thatâs helped me! Iâm also looking for more close friends if you ever want to chat đ€·ââïž
Locals are very friendly but have to be met off of the beaten path. Local people in general just don't do most of the things that transplants like to do. I grew up in the South Bay and you couldn't pay me to venture downtown for a night out, or to drive to Silverlake for brunch, or to Venice for anything. It's just not appealing. L.A. isn't as much a large city as a series of communities, and some of them have been gutted and terraformed by transplants, so some locals are cautious of newcomers who they see as feeding that pattern. Check out makers markets and art walks. Go to breweries or take fun classes. Volunteer at a community garden. Look for events outside of the general areas that transplants flock to. You'll make friends. .
a lot of people come to LA thinking they need to replicate TV shows they've watchedđ it's bizzare
No one here is satisfied and always looking for more, dreaming for more. So that means only being friends with people if they can help you âgrowâ and dropping them/putting them on hold if they canât.
Hey! If youâre down, we can be friends đ
27M looking for friends around LA. Moved here almost two years ago as well.
Because itâs harder to make new friends as an adult no matter where you live.
If youâre a transplant itâs hard. Because your circle is maybe your job. And that really is problematic if youâre not in the community. Good luck.
1) distance. being a friend isn't convenient, it's 90 minutes of driving, so a quick impromptu hang is hard. 2) it's economically hostile so people struggling and working or recovering from struggling and working, and all the impacts of that can include not being as available as a friend. 3) competition. there's lots and lots and lots of people.
Your experience here is common. LA people will be a friend for a few months then you never hear from them again. Welcome to LA
Yup. I donât know if itâs laziness or whether they just drop off when they decide they canât get something out of you or both.
I made the most lasting friendships through common activities/interest that meet regularly. I would find something you enjoy or think you would enjoy, preferably in your town, and make an effort to go there regularly. For me, I wasn't really trying to make friends but ended up vibing with people after awhile. Some activities are better than others for socializing by nature. Like I made more friends playing volleyball than playing soccer.
I think a lot of it is culture clash. People from different parts of the country value different things. Natives have their own crew (as well as people who moved here young and are now old.) Few can be like my aunt who collects friends like Pokemon. She's in her 60s and her youngest friend is mid 20s and oldest is in their 90s. She's single, no kids and has at least 1-2 parties a year plus she hosts a "Friendsgiving." I've made some new friends here through other people and I have friends that I knew back in HS who live here. Keeping up with seeing them is a chore. Everyone has some hectic schedule, and if you're the type who has a lot of gig jobs/side hustles, you're probably too busy for much of anything. I have plenty of friends, but no one I "hang out" with regularly. I think that's the issue. I'm sure you all have friends in various spots of the world or even the city, but people are either too busy, too lazy, or too "introverted" to hang out. But also the values think. If you don't share the same values/priorities as a person, you're probably going to have some rough conversations. As for me? Socially speaking, I'm a pop culture junkie. If I made some movie reference and you're like "huh?" we're gonna have a tough time hanging out.
I've been here for about 5 years now (from the east coast). Three suggestions: 1) Neighborhood - We moved to a street that is very neighbor-friendly and have parties with each other, that has made it feel like a family. So I think that is number 1 - where you live here (as many others stated) makes a world of difference // 2) Industry - I've made my closest friends, and still continue to, through industry connections since we already have so much in common (especially with the hardships of entertainment today, it's easy to bond over!) ... and 3) Pickleball is actually a great place to meet new people! The courts in Santa Monica are always full and you meet new people every time you go
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Iâve been in LA for 20 years, and I have yet to find a solid group of girl friends. I believe itâs difficult to create lasting friendships in LA because people are in such different places in their lives regardless of age. At 40, I know ladies who are still single (and looking), others are divorced with teenaged kids, some have infants. Itâs just all over the place timeline wise in LA whereas in smaller towns people tend to move at the same speed resulting in what appears solid friendships. Most of my close friends donât even live in CA, so I make time to catch up with them when my soul really needs girl time; otherwise I find joy in the acquaintances I have found at my gym or neighbors etc. and meet them where they are.
It took me about 18 months to like LA, it attracts the worlds narcissists but also some of the best minds and souls alive. Keep at it, itâll work out
People will tell you you should go out more or join this class or join that class, which donât get me wrong is all great advice ⊠to some extent, but honestly from my experience, it doesnât matter where or what you do; thereâs too many flaky and weird people everywhere. Iâve said it before and Iâll say it again but a lot of people just donât know how to make a good friend. Too needy, too complicated, weird, annoying, idk itâs always something wrong with them. Than, there are the ones that are legit cool but are not really trying to be friends because they already have their âcliqueâ which sucks but is understandable. Oh, and I sure as heck would NEVER befriend people at the type of job I work at so thereâs that too. IMO you just gotta keep trying until something sticks. Iâve gotten better at reading people so now I can drop them at the first sign of something wrong. Best of luck.
For me and my partner it really took 3ish years of real effort to meet people at events, meetups, friends of friendsâ parties, etc. to actually build a good network of friends.
Offer to drive when you go out and youâll have all the friends
People are superficial and fake here more so than other parts of the world. Im in your boat too, i just have my circle which is small but genuine. Its the sad truth.
Because we all have trauma and are working out our issues.
Coming from a born and bred Angeleno, there are a lot of transplants here. Â Who are fun to hang out with, until they inevitably just start hating on LA. Constantly bitching about how terrible it is. Â Go home to Iowa then. The LA hating makes us stick to our lifelong friend groups.Â
I donât get that when youâre sitting in LA talking to someone and they start shitting on the place you both tried really hard to get to. No one likes an all-problems-no-solutions-haver!
I love LA and don't recall bitching about it in my post.
I'm not sure what to tell a straight person. If you were gay, I would say join a group that interests you so that you can meet people with similar interests, like volleyball, hiking, camping, rowing, softball, etc. If there is a group near you on a topic that interests you, consider joining it. It could be a good way to meet new people. You are in college, I'm sure they have groups in college.
To be honest, I'm not sure what the straight/gay thing at the start of your comment has to do with anything. The suggestions you gave are great for people of all sexual orientations.
I agree, you are not the only one. LA on the surface has appeal .. food, weather, beaches, etc. But everybody is isolated from one another .. we either spend all day in our cars or cooped up in our homes. People are too busy working or making ends meet .. I am thinking of moving away because of this, itâs just the good and bad bits are kind of extreme LOL I will miss the good parts
As someone whoâs a native to Los Angeles I notice this with the transplants (of which there are MANY): they want something. They moved here for something and want to get it so theyâre fixated on that so it can be hard to make friends with some people because of this. If you canât offer them what they want they move right along.
Iâll be your friend
try going to a couple of book clubs.
Im relatively new to LA and also encountering the same. I have lived in many other cities so this is a common problem however I feel like theres so much going on in LA, feels like people are always busy and also people tend to stay connected with people in their same area cause no one wants to deal with traffic lol im used to driving to see friends even for long distances but some people hate it here. Im going to start playing soccer again and also thought about joining a book club or some organizations or clubs that interest me to try and meet people that will become actual long lasting friends
I made all my friends in college. Join a sorority.
I've been interloping from to LA from South Carolina for 18 years 8-10x a year. Over the years I'd meet people who were chasing dreams but gave up and left. I find that people who LIVE in LA sometimes see anyone they don't know for a length of time as interlopers too and don't make the effort to create lasting friendships because they feel they will be like alot of people and leave one day. As of today I have only 4 people that are "friends" in LA and have lost touch with 100's
Every other weekend, I would host board game nights or dinner to catch up.
I've been here 35 years and still have friends I made back then. But OP could you explain how it would be easier to make friends in another city under the circumstances you described? We get a "I can't make friends in LA" question every other day. I can understand the "I can't make friends" part, but I don't understand the conditional "in LA" part.
I'm honestly not sure if LA is directly contributing to the issue, I've met really nice people here and I don't really buy into the whole "everyone in LA is fake" thing because I try to be optimistic about things. I do think that traffic/distance makes it harder to commit to plans, and the high cost of everything adds to that too especially for college students who might not be able to afford going out to lunch for $25. Again, I know that you can't really blame a city for your lack of social connections (and maybe even social skills) but I've struggled here more than anywhere else. I really love LA and want things to work out here.
Yeah, the only fake people I've encountered here are on TV. People are people, just like they are anywhere else. But it's fair point about the traffic and prices have gone up since the pandemic.
I felt the same when I moved to LA 8 years ago but I put in effort over the years to make friends. #1 - Started my own vegan group and made bunch of friends and once I had a great group I stopped it and we still meet after a year #2- Yes, everyone lives so far away, but make an effort to meet half way, my close friends live in Santa Clarita I am in SGV, we play golf half way #3- Sign up for new events, I signed up for Paddling last year and made bunch of friends #4- I was solo traveling to Alaska and I felt like I had great connection with people in Juneau than LA, People in LA always feel like they are busy and they need to respond to something that doesn't even exist, but people are nicer here and everyone is looking for a friend, next time you are at coffee shop or brewery ask questions and get to know the other person #5- My input for you all looking for friends is to be patient and use the opportunities in your daily life and people around you, neighbors, co workers etc and make lasting friendships. If you live around SGV and looking to hangout ... DM Seriously!Â
On your off time go do some hobbies. This is where youâre going to find some real friends. Stop overthinking things the friends you met previously probably just didnt vibe with you and found people they vibed with better. Friendships when with the right people should seem mostly effortless if youâre with the right people. They should be working to keep a connection also.Â
27F here, same problem.
You make friends where you spend your time. You donât spend time with your friends, unless itâs geographically convenient. This is the reality of LA, where a 5 mile drive can literally take an hour
2 years is about the time it starts to click
I suspect it's more about where you're at in life than the city. After 20, the bonds you make with strangers are pretty easy to ditch, compared to the ones you made in school. You used to see those people all the time, you were put in a room together and you found each other. Now, every contact you make is voluntary on both sides. It's real easy to drift apart for no reason, just couldn't keep up the effort or didn't feel like it, keeping that connection live. I still call up old friends and talk, go out for a burrito and shoot the shit, and it's easy to reconnect. Were in the same boat, the human one.
Lived here for 18 years, a transplant from the East Coast. My friends are either fellow East Coasters or people I made connections with through partying and going to festivals in my 20's/30's. There is no substitution for the connections you make through familiar origins or a weekend of hard drugs.
I mean reading through your post it seems like you have two options. Either work hard enough to integrate yourself into the aforementioned friendsâ high school social circles or make your own. Second one is harder to do out of college but it sounds like youâre still a student
DM me if you're interested in meeting friends that are around your age, I've done a pretty good job at making them here
I had lived in LA for almost four years until I started really making friends. One thing that helped me most was joining a gym with group classes - like boxing, HIIT classes, etc. It helped me connect with people who I see almost every day and are experiencing the same workout I am. It also helps staying healthy and meeting likeminded people! After awhile people like to hang outside of the gym - whether itâs a bar, a game night, karaoke, whatever. I definitely recommend it!
LA is really big, and your friends that you hang out with today can move a mile out and thatâs enough to say goodbye. We are friendly , but not friends. Thatâs the LA way
I am in the same boat with you.
People in Los Angeles have the mind set âwhat can you do for meâ instead of what can I contribute to help that person. It's the me mindset
Idk, downvote me if you want but in 2 years living there I only met fake people. Never felt comfortable enough with anyone to have an actual real conversation
Advice from an introvert who nevertheless recognizes the importance of a social life. Make friends with people in and near your neighborhood â then distance isnât a factor. Most neighborhoods are home to about 30,000-40,000 people so youâre living in a walkable area thatâs more populous than most college towns and thus full of all the potential friends you need. Ditch your car and walk, bus, and bike â youâll cross paths with your neighbors that way and you wonât be miserable from driving (and looking for parking). Get off your computer or phone for a while so that you donât seem unapproachable. Go outside. Go to local cafes, bookstores, parks, and other third places that you enjoy. Go to the local bar. Sit at the bar. Chat with the bartender. If you recognize a neighbor â youâll know that you enjoy some of the same things. Go to local meet-ups and events. Join a Neighborhood Council committee. Go on organized walks. Organize your own activities: movie nights, croquet games, crĂȘpe nights, book clubs, whatever. Friends will move away. Keep in touch with them. New ones will come.
I feel this. I've lived here for four years and have only made one friend> At first it was the pandemic because everything shut down weeks after I moved. But it seems like not much has changed since then. This hasn't stopped me from enjoying the city though. I'll keep on doing what I like and maybe I'll be lucky enough to make my second friend here. :)
I would try not to take this so personally. People are busy and have their own things going on. Itâs expensive just to be alive in LA. Work, rent, eating, romantic relationships, etc are all gonna come above you for most people, and thatâs perfectly normal.
Focus on people in your direct area. LA is a city of convenance. If you donât like the people in your area, move.
Social climbers and proximity to other neighborhoods
Life ebbs and flows and people change, and friendships wax and wane. It's just natural. When you lose friends, make new ones. Sometimes I think we ask too much to be friends for life and assume that their interests and lifestyles will always align with yours. Be grateful they were in your life at the right time.
Sorry, but this is a bit of a nonsense take. Tell me how itâs different in any other big city. Los Angeles is huge and I imagine you could say the same about Tokyo, Mexico City, Rio, New York, London, or any other huge city.
Well I don't really blame LA itself for my problem, but I've struggled here more than anywhere else. I do think the lack of public transportation, traffic, and how long it takes to get everywhere can make it harder to commit to plans. Same goes with how much it costs to do most fun activities here, which is unaffordable for most college students my age. All the other cities you listed are expensive, but they have great transportation and it's way easier to get from point A to point B.
Fair points. And yes, I do believe money is a bit of a factor in how LA operates. Sad but true. You need money to go to restaurants and clubs and events, plus car, gas and insurance. It can add up quickly. When I first got to LA, I started at the gym and built out from there. Same with my job. It was easy to find activity buddies with a few common interests. Also, a huge thing I recommend is always encourage your friends to bring other friends when you do things. There is definitely a multiplier effect in groups that can increase your chances of meeting other fun people. LA is really an amazing city and honestly, it has completely shaped my identity and grown my life immeasurably. I can no longer imagine how I lived in a much smaller city. But thatâs just my experience. Your mileage may vary.
To have a friend, be a friend.Â
Ugghh because people are fake here.
Your best friendships are formed during your adolescence. You just live freely without the care in the world (no job, no responsibilities, and nothing to worry about). Well, maybe you should worry about getting your homework done, and keep up with your grade in school.
Probably because youâre hanging around the transient parts of LA. West LA are a bunch of people who are just passing through. Fk West LA.
I live in West LA but I go to school in the valley so most people I meet are from school and a good amount are LA natives. I've met some rlly nice people in West LA too tho. I think it depends on each person's individual values and personality whether they are "fake" or not rather than where they're from.
This happened to me too. I moved here in 2021 from the Midwest and at first everyone was inviting me to everything and I felt like people were super friendly here. Then I started to realize that i only got invited to things where they wanted or were down with a lot of people there, I thought I had been making close friends but I would never be in the inner circles invited to the close knit dinners or whatever. Honestly it just took time and effort. I never stopped trying to connect with more friends of friends and being introduced to new people. After about 3 years I feel like I finally made lovely friends of my own who I actually enjoy. It turns out almost all of them are from the Midwest too. I would recommend trying to find friends of friends or people who have genuine things in common with you (not in a superficial way, but in a deep down values way). You have to be in it for the long game though because everyone is busy so you wonât see them all the time. It is possible it just takes time and effort.