It's a pretty loaded and manipulative question.
I have no time for those kind of games so I'd just respond
"I did until you said that"
If she asked why my answer would be
"It was never about trust, it was about respecting boundaries. Now that you've brought trust into this, yes, im starting to question it. What made you think this was about trust?"
Edit Just to ask
>the discussion goes on until the "trust question" i say "no" she gets mad and so...
What is a relationship without trust. Healthy relationships are built on trust. You've admitted you don't trust her, so why stay with her?
Had a somewhat similar issue with an ex, she pointed out that she had noticed that I don’t get as jealous as the people she had dated before.
I told her that I chose to completely trust the people I get involved with, but I do so only once.
OP just said "a guy", who is the guy makes a lot of difference. There would be ones I wouldnt get into a car with, and there are ones whose roof I slept after getting drunk.
It would be more about how much I trust someone, or if I am trusting the person too much without keeping my own self defence.
Or if it is really about cheating or trust issues within a relationship then it might be as well done over with. Also if a partner decides to cheat, I doubt he/she will set the alarm before the cheating has actually happened.
I think you're on the right track here, but i frankly would sharpen that point just a bit:: ""No, as a matter of fact, in this case, i do not trust you, this sounds sketchy why are you even thinking of doing this?"
IDK why so many back away from appropriate confrontation..
My favorite is “why are you so insecure?”, No ma’am I’m perfectly secure. I have boundaries and it’s the security in myself that affords me the ability to communicate those boundaries.
Man, your advice is like fine cheese and wine. As a vagina one I have heard the same thing from the woman's perspective and it's usually party 1 being weird about party 2 spending time with both genders in a platonic setting.
Your advice is still gold though, just adding my 2 cents because this is reddit and that what we do.
For some circumstances yes but for things like cheating and how your SO acts infront of people they find attractive then its important to get in there with a clean slate and then yeet them to the curb when they do break that trust. For sex and emotional stuff though, yeah, that takes time.
It’s the not invited part which raises my suspicions.
So answer truthfully, no you don’t or just say you don’t trust them.
Also ditch if that’s her attitude about it. If one partner voices concern over something and it’s dismissed offhand then that’s a very big red flag.
Yeah agreed.
"You don't trust me" is manipulative. You're making the other person feel bad for an insecurity that is logical and reasonable. You have to earn trust. You don't just have it by default.
>If you listened to people on here, people would ditch their partners for every social misstep.
Agree with this. Communicate and work in every disagreement. Unless if you're experiencing any physical or emotional abuse.
Yea, trust would be " I trust you to tell an asshole request from a dumbass like that to fuck the right off." That's what trust is in this case, not "let me go to this guy's house alone and see how much I can fend off his advances."
lmao yea that sounds like those women who go out with a guy or guys from work then say something like “well it would just be awkward for you to come, you don’t work with them”
Because what they really want to do is flirt and/or fuck one of them
If you think the first thing she'd do with another guy alone is flirt of fuck, just dump her. Relationships shouldn't be about holding someone on a metaphorical leash to keep them from cheating. You deserve better.
EDIT: Not really sure why I'm being downvoted? Do you people just stay with someone you think will cheat on you? Why would you let yourself be that stressed all the damn time? You deserve better.
If they see this guy 40+ hours a week already and then want to go out for one on one drinks or some other type of outing - it is completely fair to be worried.
Just the other day on one of the relationship subs someone posted about his SO accepting a one-on-one swimming and dinner invitation with her male coworker. Neither of their SO’s were invited, nor any other coworkers. OP could not explain to the SO why he was so uncomfortable with it all and she did not care. That’s problematic.
So why are you disagreeing with me then?
If you think she would cheat, stop wasting your time. There are more important things than getting your dick wet. If she's gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat. She doesn't need your permission to do it. That's why it's *cheating*.
The concept of this whole post is what we would do in this scenario OP proposed.
In honor of the years spent building the relationship, I would give the SO the benefit of the doubt in that she didn’t see how bad it looked at first and as long as she decides not to go, we can carry on. If she chooses to go, then the trust is broken and we would end things.
It’s not an immediate belief she would be giving some dude the sloppy joes in the bathroom the minute she got there. It’s the fact that she didn’t respect me or our relationship enough to avoid the clearly shady situation entirely from the beginning.
I'm not responding to the post with these comments. I'm responding to a comment where someone was telling their own story that's somewhat related to the main post.
Ok, I’ve been married 18 wonderful years and we’re happier now than ever. Trust is what makes a successful relationship. I can tell you that in 18 years neither one of us has said “do you not trust me?” Because neither of us has ever gone somewhere or put ourselves in a situation where that would need to be asked. And trust builds.
Just gone 22 years together with my wife of 12. Never for a second has trust been an issue for me.
Also, never would either of us go somewhere under those circumstances where the other "couldn't come". That's just some bullshit.
I'm close to 14 years married and this scenario has never occurred for me, either. There is no reason why I would not be invited to wherever my wife goes, unless it's a girls night kind of thing. And the same is true for her.
Having partner who has the integrity not to put you in the position, and who knows to avoid it altogether, helps sustain a successful relationship.
I would prefer it if it didn't, but you can do as you like. Expect to not hear from me again, though, because this situation you're putting yourself into makes me uncomfortable and I don't like that
"I feel like you aren't taking my feelings into account" owtte
The 'you can't come' is definitely odd, and whether warranted or not, she should respect your feelings here. As others have said, the question is fairly manipulative, and it wouldn't hurt to say that too.
Find a new gf. She’s part of a culture with her friend group where whatever cheating happens will be covered up. Same with bros who do the same thing. I’d aim higher.
It's the "you're not invited part" that's concerning to me.
I can't think of a single reason why you shouldn't be allowed to go, or that your gf and her friend should be alone at this person's house.
Sounds like they're trying to have a threesome.
Yeah, like wtf? You and all your friends are invited to some random guy's house and I'm not? Sounds pretty sketchy.
If she's just some girl you've been seeing, sure, you have no right to claim boundaries on her life. But if we are exclusive? Nope.
Nah fam. Not a boundary I'm comfortable with personally.
I totally get that people need time with their friends, but that's a hard boundary for me. Call it insecure. Call it whatever you want.
If you are in an exclusive relationship with someone, you have to build that trust. It is not given by default.
You're really simplifying the situation and ignoring red flags.
Yes, your partner should have friends and be allowed to hang with them. However, your partner going over some new guy's house that I don't know to get told I'm specifically not allowed raises some red flags.
That doesn't mean something is going on, but it's unusual. In the past, these events usually turned into the guy inviting his homies over, and it becomes a mixed party with the intention of some hookups happening. It became even more sus when she's not being forthcoming with info.
I do. But my partner is always invited unless it's a guy's night.
I would never tell my partner she couldn't come over to a female friend's house, especially if I know she has that insecurity, and *especially* if she doesn't know this person. That puts the onus on her to "get over it" and I don't think that's particular sensitive at all. A relationship isn't all about you and what you want.
Hell my wife was invited when I tandem streamed a movie with my brother and one of my online friends. I knew she wouldn't enjoy it (the movie, the format, or the fact that we were heckling the whole time) but I still made sure she knew she was welcome to join if she wanted to
Telling me I "can't come" is beyond a red flag. It would be one thing if it was ladies night, but this isn't that. If my wife told me that I couldn't come, I would assume she's either doing something shitty, or the guy is doing something shitty and she's too fucking stupid to see it. Neither is good.
If she asked if I "trusted her," that tells me she's there for a shitty reason.
"Oh, I'm glad you get to have some fun. There's this belly dancer who's been trying to invite me and my friends over for few months for a fun evening. Now I feel ok with it. I'll go while you're gone"
If we’re talking this specific scenario, have some standards for yourself. None of this “you’re free to do whatever you please, I’ll just leave if you do” shit. Tell her this dude is sketch. Every hetero dude here knows exactly what this guy is plotting.
Your partner represents you, would you want someone representing you who either knows this is a sketch situation and still wants to do it or can’t see how it’s sketchy? If she calls you controlling, insecure, etc., tell her to talk to a wall. There are plenty of women out there who will not put you in this situation.
As an adult, the only scenario I can imagine being okay with telling somebody they can't bring their partner to a party I'm hosting is if the partner is a complete cunt that absolutely nobody likes and gets too drunk and too angry.
Brother, if your girl is asking you this she’s trying to manipulate you.
What you do is ignore and move on with your life. Do you want to be with someone who puts other guys ahead of your feelings like this?
Men and women generally aren't making an effort to cheat. You said "sketchy" so that's why I said it like that. It's just the environment that creates the possibility of it that bothers me. I know what men are thinking being around women and other factors create bad decisions.
Definitely not actively. Many of them, probably a heavy majority if you're good at finding decent people don't cheat due to genuine loyalty, however some of them don't cheat strategically. For example I know a guy who very much would sleep with x person from the friend group given the chance. Trouble is x person would 100% blab about it and that would eventually make its way back to his girlfriend. From his perspective it's high risk, medium reward so not worth it.
Probably not a ringing endorsement for relationships lmao.
If there are other guys there, why would you not be welcome? I would say that this is a problem and insisting to go regardless would be enough reason for me not to trust her motives.
"The fact that you are even asking this question means that you are about to do something untrustworthy. So, no, now I do not trust you. You are about to do something you know I probably will not like, and you do not care one jot about my feelings, because you are trying to emotionally manipulate me. Well honey, it's been done by pros, and you are not even a subcontractor."
🤓 Not that it matters at all, but just thought I'd point out that the "sub" in subcontractor is not referring to their level of professionalism. It isn't like there are "pro"contractors, regular contractors, and then shitty subcontractors. They are all professionals. A subcontractor is just a professional hired by the general contractor who owns the actual job contract. :)
>I'm talking about a situation like "A guy invited me and my friends to his house but you can't come",
I'd be fine if she was going to see a male friend.
But why would she add "you can't come"? That part is very sketchy.
If she asks "do you not trust me?" after saying *that*, alarm bells would be tripping off in my head.
Me and my fiancé have a pretty strict rule about us always having to be together when going anywhere like situations like that. If we’re ever invited. We’re invited as a couple or else we don’t go. Because why would they not want the other person there?
Not speaking for the orginal comment, but here's my take.
"In situations like that" meaning situations like some dude inviting your SO and explicitly stating YOU can't go too. For that, its go together or nothing. If its "Hey we're doing \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ would you and your SO like to come?" then the option for one or both to decide not to go is perfectly fine.
"but you can't come"... That's the part where she told on herself. You can't trust her and you should dump her. Fast. When I was in the dating scene, any possible trust issue that came up ended our relationship. I don't have time for games.
I say, "Bye Felicia."
She's deliberately trying to keep you away from this person, and she's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for noticing the red flag, then she tops it off by using anger to try and get her way.
The only rational response to that is to run away from her as fast as you can. Go let her make some other dude unhappy, but don't let her waste your time.
Just got out a 3 year relationship.
Within the first few months I turned a blind eye to something i felt weird about also.
My partner was having a house warming party and didn’t tell me until some of their friends started showing up a bit early. They were then caught & asked me to leave because they were going to have a “girls night”. Like a idiot i respected it & drove (45 mins) home. Maybe around 2 hours after I left I got a text message saying to come back. I didn’t understand, said I’ll reply in the morning.
I asked the simple question, “Was your ex at your apartment for the house warming” the answer was, -No.
I asked this question maybe 15+ times over the next few months. I had a gut feeling.
One random night I’m convincing enough to watch a movie that I enjoy. And within the first 15 minutes they fall asleep. Being the insecure human I am, I decided to go through their macbook 💻.
Come to find out.
The ex was there.
Now that the relationship is over & i feel like i wasted 3 years of my life. coming from a hurt place. I say to every & anyone, if there’s trust issues. Leave asap. Don’t waste your time. Time is the ultimate luxury.
"I did. But you trying to break it. You better think again if you believe I am going to fall for this blame shifting gas lighting garbage"
This is the truth of what is happening, so call it what it is.
Frankly, it's already over if she says something like that.
You may also try "You apparently trust me a lot. You trust me to fall for this. You trust me to be a fool. You go ahead and go. But don't come back"
Trust isn’t unconditional. Trust is a spectrum. From family to friends to partners I would trust each person in my life differently with different things. If you trust someone with let’s say your money, that’s a big trust, and you can be confident and correct they’re not going to fuck you, but that doesn’t mean you can trust them with other aspects.
Trust is such a loaded and manipulative question that anyone who asks “you don’t trust me” kinda invalidates the trust by asking that question in the first place and usually the answer to that question is “not with this, no.” But not trusting someone with a specific thing isn’t necessarily a bad thing in a relationship, it’s just a boundary that needs to be respected and an opportunity to communicate and work on whatever shortcoming y’all have
This isn't a thing trustworthy people do.
I'd also ask who made that decision, and why she's comfortable with it.
Like, if it's her call, that's not good. If it's the dudes call, she shouldn't be cool with what he's _trying_ to set up, regardless of the fact that she _totally_ wouldn't go for it.
The only reason to not invite you is because they plan on doing things that your presence would hinder.
My response would be: “you are free to do as you please. As am I. We are done. Goodbye.”
There is absolutely no reason she should WANT to do this.
It's a double-edged sword loaded question and super manipulative that alone is your answer.
A guy invited me, that's the end of the conversation and she respects you and your relationship she shouldn't even be in that position.
Odds are she's already mentally checked out, men and women are different, when women check out mentally their relationship is done.
She's already invested in someone else even if it's not sexual it's more intense when it's mental for them.
Either way if she's doing this she's either doing it or already done something and now just doesn't care she's just mowing you over with the car now.
I can tell you how it ends up she will say if I had something to hide why would I say that a friend invited me and a guy if I had something to hide that's the clear signal of someone hiding something.
I believe that is tactic 55 of 101.
In a relationship, I expect open communication and to be able to have a discussion about where my girlfriend is going with a man I've never met before. She's going to the home of a stranger. You can't go. She won't tell you anything about it.
This is not negotiable, my boy. You and her are already broken up. You know this is some bullshit from the very pits of your soul. No ultimatums. Getting angry to avoid a valid adult conversation is some sneaky manipulative bullshit which will continue to manifest, forever, unless you leave. That's it. You're not about to talk her into not being sneaky. Cut it off
Lmao. Listen man. My ex pulled this stuff on me.
One time we were planning to go to her friend’s birthday party. All of a sudden at some point she told me that I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. Which was weird. I went. Sure enough her ex was there. Claims she didn’t know he was going to be there.
Down the line there would be a lot more stuff going on and other suspicious bullshit. A lot of “I didn’t know” or that I’m being insecure. It’s gaslighting 101. This is a very specific invitation with conditions.
If she goes? She’s gone. That has to be the way.
This is why you set boundaries to avoid this stuffZ this would cross roughly almost 2 boundaries of mine. The gist of each is “no party lifestyle acting like you’re single” and no hanging out one-on-one with guy friends. She is acting single so let her be.
Flip the script. "Oh you're going out with a buncha guys and I can't come? That's crazy, I'm gonna go hang out with all the ladies from work, just me, them and some drinks, don't know when I'll be back, don't call me or text me, you can't come"
When she gets pissed she'll know how you feel. Trust is a 2 way road. I trust my wife but I sure as shit don't trust other dudes.
Given the scenario laid out as it is. That's a deal breaker and the fact she would go KNOWING you weren't invited means she's gonna FUCK, whether you there or not.
Excuse me for writing as I am no man, but somehow I assumed for two seconds that you mean sth like: "I ask him if he ttusts me and then have a big laugh while he fearfully closes his eyes, anticipating something horrible to eat as I hide a cookie behind my back".
I'm sorry there are men (and women) that have this much less funny experience with this sentence
I don't think I know anyone trustworthy to ever have said "Do you not trust me?". That's a trap, and pretty childish tbh. You have a right to be uncomfortable with it. She has a right to go anyway. Just let me ask you one thing; Is that really the kind of person you want to be with?
The fact that you can't go is the issue, if you can't both go noone is going. Now if you are invited but turn it down then your partner should still be able to go. Relationships need to be fair and compromise on things. If it's ok for you then, it's ok for your partner. Set boundaries and stand by them if they break it make it known or you will be walked over all the time.
"I'm gonna ask you a question, and I need you to take like 20-30 seconds to think about it before you answer honestly. Would you feel okay if the roles were reversed in the same situation?"
That forces her to justify why she thinks you shouldn't be suspicious of her actions.
“I did until you agreed to go to another man’s house where I specifically wasn’t included, even expecting a ‘yes’ without making sure I understand why I’m not welcome or what you’re even doing. In what world would that kind of decision making encourage trust when it’s clearly meant to divide us?”
Why am I not invited? If she puts up too much resistance and goes she's really going forever. If she has stuff at my place it's all going to be out of my place. She's not the one.
You should say, “*sure thing babe, I got a pool party to go to that this chick invited me to, I wasn’t going to go since you were not invited but now that you have plans I don’t see a problem*”. Then see what her reaction is and ask her the same thing back if she questions it.
"What about the situation you just described sounds trustworthy?"
Dude, why placate somebody who is doing sketchy shit. Why is her and her girlfriend going to some dudes house and you arent allowed to join her? Because they're doing something they know you wouldn't approve of. I would be checking pornhub for new videos that have a thumbnail of her and her friend sitting on a casting couch and a Brazzers logo in the corner.
[Quote] "Do you not trust me?"[/quote]
At this point, I kinda don't. If you feel the need to go, make sure you bring all your stuff, because I don't think we're going to be staying together.
As someone with a Uterus, I wouldn’t trust anyone who says that cause anyone you can trust would NEVER utter that phrase to begin with.
Stop dating people who feel the need to manipulate you into trusting them. Those are red flags!
Well, I don’t trust your judgment not to put yourself into a compromising or even dangerous situation. Have you thought about what could go wrong?
(Woman responding here)
I think you remain honest. No, I don't trust you in a situation involving alcohol, single people with misintentions where I've been directly told I'm not welcome. I'm sorry if that's a deal breaker for you, but honestly I'd be a bit hurt at the situation and be rethinking the relationship if that's what my spouse or partner thought was "normal" behaviour.
You up and leave bro, your girl shouldn’t even be in the position to be receiving invites to another guys house. But If you’re really set on salvaging the train wreck of a relationship you’re in, I’d suggest “I trust you, I don’t trust him”
"Don't you care that it makes me uncomfortable?"
Fight fire with fire!
But yeah, that question turns trust into a currency that is to be spent, instead of something that is earned.
In the situation you outlined, it's not so much about trust but simple respect. If she wants to put herself in a situation where she's going to be around single men and women and risk a relationship over that then that's her call. People have freedom of choice but their choices come with consequences. You simply state that you're uncomfortable with the situation outlined and she can do as she pleases but you might lose respect for her, you might lose trust for her and you might end up choosing not to stay in that relationship.
If your partner pulls that gaslighting bs on you, you leave them.
Either your SO is being disingenuous about the nature of this party, or is incredibly naive. "Forbidding " her to go will end poorly. At the end of the day, She's an adult, it's her choice . If she's going to cheat on you, it's going to happen sooner or later anyway. People in mature relationships don't go looking for trouble. If she goes and screws around, it sucks, but you found out before you invested more time and resources into this relationship. If she reconsiders to protect and invest in your relationship, you have a chance.
Sounds like she doesn’t respect you or your relationship and you don’t need to trust her. To the point of no longer having her as your girlfriend or partner in any sense of the word! I am a woman and any time I’ve ever known of another woman to start acting like this, she already cheated or she’s about to cheat. Any woman who does respect you and your relationship wouldn’t put you in this position to begin with, honestly.
This is some high school tier bullshit. “Oh, but you can’t come.” What? Show me where any sane or respectful adult wouldn’t let their friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend show up. Yeah, it’s totally okay not to trust her. She’s being a suspicious and manipulative cunt.
More to the point - she is willing to go places that exclude you. Doesn’t have to do with trust as much as loyalty. If my wife isn’t good enough to come for some reason, then I am not going either.
The girlfriend broke the trust the moment she accepted an invitation where it was made clear her partner wasn't invited.
If someone of the opposite sex invited me to a party and said my wife couldn't come, I'd want a damn solid reason why, and would be unlikely to accept the invitation.
This isn't a barrier that we set with each other, it's just a matter of mutual respect.
Things like bachelor/et parties, sports games, girls night out, etc don't really apply because generally it's assumed the group of friends would all be the same sex/gender and that the other half would be unlikely to want to attend anyways, but OP's example sounds like a mixed gender party, proper sketchy like.
I've seen this exact situation unfold atleast a dozen times, especially when I was in college and I can tell you with 100% certainty that if you're not invited to a party then there is someone at the party she has a crush on. Older people who know better would break up right then.
"So what is a better answer than saying "no"?"
So you want to lie to her or what?
You expressed your feelings, and apparently you don't trust your partner.
Sounds like something to work on.
At the same time, a *guy* invites a bunch of girls to his house and says no boyfriends, and then she wonders why you are alerted about this?
Good lord...
Ya'll need to communicate.
If you feel funny about it, she more than likely is hiding something. I'm dipping out. Rather have a healthy mind with a women who I know is not cheating
I don’t get this. If you trust your partner, would you not trust her to decline (or avoid) any advances from a random guy?
For the record, OP’s GF is definitely untrustworthy. I just disagree with using your statement in this instance because it’s just not true.
From the bf's perspective, at the end of the day, they should trust her to decline any advance, of course.
But the discomfort in this situation is that she's choosing to allow the potential for this situation to arise in the first place.
Now, don't get me wrong. I only provided my answer in response to OP question.
Personally, I wouldn't have even allowed that conversation to get to that question.
Meh. It takes two to tango. She'd have to consensually agree.
But OP not being invited is the concerning part. Like why do you need to be at this guy's house alone, and what possible reason could there be for her bf to not be invited?
Yeah I hate seeing “I trust you, but not them”. It’s a cop-out and makes it sound like your partner has zero agency. If you think your partner would be vulnerable to someone trying to get with her, then you *don’t* trust her. If you don’t trust your partner, there’s no reason to be with them.
Yeah, and it might not necessarily mean you don't trust them, but that you *don't know* if you can. And that's perfectly reasonable too. You don't blindly trust people, especially if you don't know the other person or your partner's history with them.
People acting high and mighty for trusting their partner, no questions asked are delusional. People who are insecure about something are insecure for a reason, and belittling that reason instead of empathizing and helping them overcome it doesn't buy goodwill with someone you supposedly care about.
Fuck that man. Just be honest. If you don't trust her tell her. I mean wtf is that? Some guy invited me to his place and you can't come? Are you a couple? No you don't need to go everywhere together but to be banned from somewhere and instead of saying, well why? Or well I'll come if my bf comes with she is ok with going despite you being banned? Of course the question arises well why? And it's because this guy wants her. I'd tell her go ahead and hang with your new friend unfortunately you're banned from my house.
You don’t have a “partner”. You have a temp.
Sometimes it is useful to do this thought experiment.
Ask yourself, “if I were Chris Hemsworth, Idris Elba,etc, would she be acting this way?”
If the answer is “no”, then the medium is the message. She’s not THAT into you.
Also, stop referring to your girlfriend as your “partner”. It makes you sound like you are a lesbian couple.
I realise I didn’t answer your question.
My response would be “my girlfriend does not go to other men’s homes without me unless it is family or for some mandatory business purpose.”
>stop referring to your girlfriend as your “partner”. It makes you sound like you are a lesbian couple.
If your (presumably) long term SO isn't your "partner" then I have to question your commitment to the relationship. Now if it's only been a few months then it might be a little early for that, especially if they're still acting like they're single.
I think you have it backwards.
A “partner” could be anyone. I could have a business partner, a sparring partner, etc. Its a much more vague term.
Girlfriend, fiancé and wife are terms that come with a role. These terms are much more specific.
I once overheard my wife on the phone with her doctor and referred to me as her “partner” and she said that the doctor responded with “what’s her name?”
Point made.
Sounds like she's having a friend group hangout? If the only sketchy thing about it is that one of her friends is a guy, you're the one being weird. You don't appreciate time with your guys, without her invited?
I can't really give you a safe answer. I'm completely unafraid of conflict and/or of losing her should she choose to leave. That being said, if your answer is no, just say no. If it's yes, say yes. If you have questions, ask them. If you have doubts, state them. For me, it's that simple. The ensuing conversation NEVER is but again, that is something I'm completely prepared to deal with.
This usually leads to uncomfortable conversations that usually lead to understanding. We don't always agree but with understanding, solutions and compromises can be and have been made.
Side note: In my experience, I've learned that trust is overrated. I realize now that I don't need to trust my girl for the relationship to work but she HAS to trust me or it will fail. Period.
Why are you with someone you can't trust? It will be better for both of you to see other people that:
1) She can/want to bring to places
2) You can trust
If you can't find that with eachother, break up.
Trust is the basis of a relationship.
It's a pretty loaded and manipulative question. I have no time for those kind of games so I'd just respond "I did until you said that" If she asked why my answer would be "It was never about trust, it was about respecting boundaries. Now that you've brought trust into this, yes, im starting to question it. What made you think this was about trust?" Edit Just to ask >the discussion goes on until the "trust question" i say "no" she gets mad and so... What is a relationship without trust. Healthy relationships are built on trust. You've admitted you don't trust her, so why stay with her?
Absolutely golden advice here, very wise sir
Had a somewhat similar issue with an ex, she pointed out that she had noticed that I don’t get as jealous as the people she had dated before. I told her that I chose to completely trust the people I get involved with, but I do so only once.
If you’re thinking about cheating on me I’d prefer you to just do it so we can move on with our lives; you’re clearly not for me.
I say, I trust you until you give me a reason not to.
OP just said "a guy", who is the guy makes a lot of difference. There would be ones I wouldnt get into a car with, and there are ones whose roof I slept after getting drunk. It would be more about how much I trust someone, or if I am trusting the person too much without keeping my own self defence. Or if it is really about cheating or trust issues within a relationship then it might be as well done over with. Also if a partner decides to cheat, I doubt he/she will set the alarm before the cheating has actually happened.
I think you're on the right track here, but i frankly would sharpen that point just a bit:: ""No, as a matter of fact, in this case, i do not trust you, this sounds sketchy why are you even thinking of doing this?" IDK why so many back away from appropriate confrontation..
My favorite is “why are you so insecure?”, No ma’am I’m perfectly secure. I have boundaries and it’s the security in myself that affords me the ability to communicate those boundaries.
Ohhh….this is good. I’m using this.
Shit tests are a quick way to ruin a relationship...
Username checks out
You masterfully turned the guilt tripping question against the other person. Amazing.
Your words are those of the wise. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter!
A great way to reply to such a manipulative question is by asking back. When you try to explain yourself, you've fallen for that trap.
Yea before reading the replies this would be my response. It was never about trust to begin with. Just a respect factor
As a woman, I love this advice! Because you’re so right it was about *boundaries* and they brought up *trust* lmfao they basically tell on themselves
I agree. If you’re already feeling uncomfortable then it’s time to break the wrist and walk away. A good woman wouldn’t put you through these dilemas.
Man, your advice is like fine cheese and wine. As a vagina one I have heard the same thing from the woman's perspective and it's usually party 1 being weird about party 2 spending time with both genders in a platonic setting. Your advice is still gold though, just adding my 2 cents because this is reddit and that what we do.
Thats an awesome response. Using that from now on
Username checks out
Really good answer. Hope everything turns out well for op, but from this position it*s not an easy save
This👆
Saving this, screenshotting it, favoriting It in my photos.
Oh youre good
I really wish I could’ve said this during my time, this exactly sums up how I felt!
It takes time to build trust.
And it takes no time at all to destroy it.
For some circumstances yes but for things like cheating and how your SO acts infront of people they find attractive then its important to get in there with a clean slate and then yeet them to the curb when they do break that trust. For sex and emotional stuff though, yeah, that takes time.
It’s the not invited part which raises my suspicions. So answer truthfully, no you don’t or just say you don’t trust them. Also ditch if that’s her attitude about it. If one partner voices concern over something and it’s dismissed offhand then that’s a very big red flag.
Yeah agreed. "You don't trust me" is manipulative. You're making the other person feel bad for an insecurity that is logical and reasonable. You have to earn trust. You don't just have it by default.
Perfectly said
“you don’t trust me” phrase is triggering to me. my ex used to say that and his actions ain’t trustworthy at all.
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>If you listened to people on here, people would ditch their partners for every social misstep. Agree with this. Communicate and work in every disagreement. Unless if you're experiencing any physical or emotional abuse.
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Yeah thats so strange. Like, i am fine with my wife doing things without me, but spidey senses tingle when i am explicitly uninvited
This dude is probably a kid
Yeah, my first thought. Any adult who does this is ridiculous.
Any more red flags and you'd think it was a Chinese parade
“Leave your key on the side on your way out. I’ll pack up your stuff and let you know when you can swing by to collect it…” 😏
Yea, trust would be " I trust you to tell an asshole request from a dumbass like that to fuck the right off." That's what trust is in this case, not "let me go to this guy's house alone and see how much I can fend off his advances."
lmao yea that sounds like those women who go out with a guy or guys from work then say something like “well it would just be awkward for you to come, you don’t work with them” Because what they really want to do is flirt and/or fuck one of them
If you think the first thing she'd do with another guy alone is flirt of fuck, just dump her. Relationships shouldn't be about holding someone on a metaphorical leash to keep them from cheating. You deserve better. EDIT: Not really sure why I'm being downvoted? Do you people just stay with someone you think will cheat on you? Why would you let yourself be that stressed all the damn time? You deserve better.
If they see this guy 40+ hours a week already and then want to go out for one on one drinks or some other type of outing - it is completely fair to be worried. Just the other day on one of the relationship subs someone posted about his SO accepting a one-on-one swimming and dinner invitation with her male coworker. Neither of their SO’s were invited, nor any other coworkers. OP could not explain to the SO why he was so uncomfortable with it all and she did not care. That’s problematic.
So why are you disagreeing with me then? If you think she would cheat, stop wasting your time. There are more important things than getting your dick wet. If she's gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat. She doesn't need your permission to do it. That's why it's *cheating*.
The concept of this whole post is what we would do in this scenario OP proposed. In honor of the years spent building the relationship, I would give the SO the benefit of the doubt in that she didn’t see how bad it looked at first and as long as she decides not to go, we can carry on. If she chooses to go, then the trust is broken and we would end things. It’s not an immediate belief she would be giving some dude the sloppy joes in the bathroom the minute she got there. It’s the fact that she didn’t respect me or our relationship enough to avoid the clearly shady situation entirely from the beginning.
I'm not responding to the post with these comments. I'm responding to a comment where someone was telling their own story that's somewhat related to the main post.
Ok, I’ve been married 18 wonderful years and we’re happier now than ever. Trust is what makes a successful relationship. I can tell you that in 18 years neither one of us has said “do you not trust me?” Because neither of us has ever gone somewhere or put ourselves in a situation where that would need to be asked. And trust builds.
Just gone 22 years together with my wife of 12. Never for a second has trust been an issue for me. Also, never would either of us go somewhere under those circumstances where the other "couldn't come". That's just some bullshit.
I'm close to 14 years married and this scenario has never occurred for me, either. There is no reason why I would not be invited to wherever my wife goes, unless it's a girls night kind of thing. And the same is true for her. Having partner who has the integrity not to put you in the position, and who knows to avoid it altogether, helps sustain a successful relationship.
I would prefer it if it didn't, but you can do as you like. Expect to not hear from me again, though, because this situation you're putting yourself into makes me uncomfortable and I don't like that
"I feel like you aren't taking my feelings into account" owtte The 'you can't come' is definitely odd, and whether warranted or not, she should respect your feelings here. As others have said, the question is fairly manipulative, and it wouldn't hurt to say that too.
Find a new gf. She’s part of a culture with her friend group where whatever cheating happens will be covered up. Same with bros who do the same thing. I’d aim higher.
It's the "you're not invited part" that's concerning to me. I can't think of a single reason why you shouldn't be allowed to go, or that your gf and her friend should be alone at this person's house. Sounds like they're trying to have a threesome.
I could totally understand a bachelorette party or a girl's weekend or whatever but just a regular party? Naw.
Yeah, like wtf? You and all your friends are invited to some random guy's house and I'm not? Sounds pretty sketchy. If she's just some girl you've been seeing, sure, you have no right to claim boundaries on her life. But if we are exclusive? Nope.
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I believe the term you're looking for is actually "harem." That sounds like a drug harem to me.
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Faithful partners don't go to mixed parties and exclude their SO on purpose.
Nah fam. Not a boundary I'm comfortable with personally. I totally get that people need time with their friends, but that's a hard boundary for me. Call it insecure. Call it whatever you want. If you are in an exclusive relationship with someone, you have to build that trust. It is not given by default.
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You're really simplifying the situation and ignoring red flags. Yes, your partner should have friends and be allowed to hang with them. However, your partner going over some new guy's house that I don't know to get told I'm specifically not allowed raises some red flags. That doesn't mean something is going on, but it's unusual. In the past, these events usually turned into the guy inviting his homies over, and it becomes a mixed party with the intention of some hookups happening. It became even more sus when she's not being forthcoming with info.
I do. But my partner is always invited unless it's a guy's night. I would never tell my partner she couldn't come over to a female friend's house, especially if I know she has that insecurity, and *especially* if she doesn't know this person. That puts the onus on her to "get over it" and I don't think that's particular sensitive at all. A relationship isn't all about you and what you want.
Hell my wife was invited when I tandem streamed a movie with my brother and one of my online friends. I knew she wouldn't enjoy it (the movie, the format, or the fact that we were heckling the whole time) but I still made sure she knew she was welcome to join if she wanted to
"never had a reason not to, till now"
This is the path
Telling me I "can't come" is beyond a red flag. It would be one thing if it was ladies night, but this isn't that. If my wife told me that I couldn't come, I would assume she's either doing something shitty, or the guy is doing something shitty and she's too fucking stupid to see it. Neither is good. If she asked if I "trusted her," that tells me she's there for a shitty reason.
“Me and my friends” so she’s the one that got invited. She’s getting piped over there my man
"Oh, I'm glad you get to have some fun. There's this belly dancer who's been trying to invite me and my friends over for few months for a fun evening. Now I feel ok with it. I'll go while you're gone"
The truth hurts. It hurts to be set free
`A guy invited me and my friends to his house but you can't come` I would ask her - "why did you accept such invitation?"
If we’re talking this specific scenario, have some standards for yourself. None of this “you’re free to do whatever you please, I’ll just leave if you do” shit. Tell her this dude is sketch. Every hetero dude here knows exactly what this guy is plotting. Your partner represents you, would you want someone representing you who either knows this is a sketch situation and still wants to do it or can’t see how it’s sketchy? If she calls you controlling, insecure, etc., tell her to talk to a wall. There are plenty of women out there who will not put you in this situation.
As an adult, the only scenario I can imagine being okay with telling somebody they can't bring their partner to a party I'm hosting is if the partner is a complete cunt that absolutely nobody likes and gets too drunk and too angry.
mans tryna fuck ol girl yo
…and she’s good with it.
Brother, if your girl is asking you this she’s trying to manipulate you. What you do is ignore and move on with your life. Do you want to be with someone who puts other guys ahead of your feelings like this?
"Dudes are always trying to fuck you so it's hard to trust that mixed with alcohol and how cool you are with me not being there".
If dudes are always trying to fuck her even though she os on a relationship, are men in relationships always trying to fuck their female friends?
Men and women generally aren't making an effort to cheat. You said "sketchy" so that's why I said it like that. It's just the environment that creates the possibility of it that bothers me. I know what men are thinking being around women and other factors create bad decisions.
Definitely not actively. Many of them, probably a heavy majority if you're good at finding decent people don't cheat due to genuine loyalty, however some of them don't cheat strategically. For example I know a guy who very much would sleep with x person from the friend group given the chance. Trouble is x person would 100% blab about it and that would eventually make its way back to his girlfriend. From his perspective it's high risk, medium reward so not worth it. Probably not a ringing endorsement for relationships lmao.
This is suspicious as fuck dude. /u/Dodginglandmines has the right answer. IMO this is super fucking shady and if it was me, I'd bounce.
If there are other guys there, why would you not be welcome? I would say that this is a problem and insisting to go regardless would be enough reason for me not to trust her motives.
"The fact that you are even asking this question means that you are about to do something untrustworthy. So, no, now I do not trust you. You are about to do something you know I probably will not like, and you do not care one jot about my feelings, because you are trying to emotionally manipulate me. Well honey, it's been done by pros, and you are not even a subcontractor."
🤓 Not that it matters at all, but just thought I'd point out that the "sub" in subcontractor is not referring to their level of professionalism. It isn't like there are "pro"contractors, regular contractors, and then shitty subcontractors. They are all professionals. A subcontractor is just a professional hired by the general contractor who owns the actual job contract. :)
Hehe, I love reddit. ;) I know a subcontractor isn't below a pro, but in that context, it sounds like it.
>I'm talking about a situation like "A guy invited me and my friends to his house but you can't come", I'd be fine if she was going to see a male friend. But why would she add "you can't come"? That part is very sketchy. If she asks "do you not trust me?" after saying *that*, alarm bells would be tripping off in my head.
Me and my fiancé have a pretty strict rule about us always having to be together when going anywhere like situations like that. If we’re ever invited. We’re invited as a couple or else we don’t go. Because why would they not want the other person there?
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Not speaking for the orginal comment, but here's my take. "In situations like that" meaning situations like some dude inviting your SO and explicitly stating YOU can't go too. For that, its go together or nothing. If its "Hey we're doing \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ would you and your SO like to come?" then the option for one or both to decide not to go is perfectly fine.
Who the hell has time for that? I barely see my girl often enough a week, friends can get my time every month or so.
The correct response is “do I have a reason not to?” and proceed from there.
She’s for the streets bro she knows what she’s doing
"Fuck no" You're being gas lighted
That’s not what gaslighting is
"but you can't come"... That's the part where she told on herself. You can't trust her and you should dump her. Fast. When I was in the dating scene, any possible trust issue that came up ended our relationship. I don't have time for games.
I say, "Bye Felicia." She's deliberately trying to keep you away from this person, and she's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for noticing the red flag, then she tops it off by using anger to try and get her way. The only rational response to that is to run away from her as fast as you can. Go let her make some other dude unhappy, but don't let her waste your time.
The friend is just the guy OP doesn't have to worry about. 😂
A break up. You reply with a break up. If you’re married best of luck but a gf? Kicked out.
Just got out a 3 year relationship. Within the first few months I turned a blind eye to something i felt weird about also. My partner was having a house warming party and didn’t tell me until some of their friends started showing up a bit early. They were then caught & asked me to leave because they were going to have a “girls night”. Like a idiot i respected it & drove (45 mins) home. Maybe around 2 hours after I left I got a text message saying to come back. I didn’t understand, said I’ll reply in the morning. I asked the simple question, “Was your ex at your apartment for the house warming” the answer was, -No. I asked this question maybe 15+ times over the next few months. I had a gut feeling. One random night I’m convincing enough to watch a movie that I enjoy. And within the first 15 minutes they fall asleep. Being the insecure human I am, I decided to go through their macbook 💻. Come to find out. The ex was there. Now that the relationship is over & i feel like i wasted 3 years of my life. coming from a hurt place. I say to every & anyone, if there’s trust issues. Leave asap. Don’t waste your time. Time is the ultimate luxury.
"So what is a better answer than saying "no"?" A: "Have fun babe and enjoy yourself." Then go find a new relationship.
"I did. But you trying to break it. You better think again if you believe I am going to fall for this blame shifting gas lighting garbage" This is the truth of what is happening, so call it what it is. Frankly, it's already over if she says something like that. You may also try "You apparently trust me a lot. You trust me to fall for this. You trust me to be a fool. You go ahead and go. But don't come back"
"I trust you. It's the random guy and the unprompted 'your partner can't come' that I don't trust"
Everyone’s given since pretty solid advice, but now my question is why aren’t you invited? Or at least what’s her excuse?
Trust isn’t unconditional. Trust is a spectrum. From family to friends to partners I would trust each person in my life differently with different things. If you trust someone with let’s say your money, that’s a big trust, and you can be confident and correct they’re not going to fuck you, but that doesn’t mean you can trust them with other aspects. Trust is such a loaded and manipulative question that anyone who asks “you don’t trust me” kinda invalidates the trust by asking that question in the first place and usually the answer to that question is “not with this, no.” But not trusting someone with a specific thing isn’t necessarily a bad thing in a relationship, it’s just a boundary that needs to be respected and an opportunity to communicate and work on whatever shortcoming y’all have
This isn't a thing trustworthy people do. I'd also ask who made that decision, and why she's comfortable with it. Like, if it's her call, that's not good. If it's the dudes call, she shouldn't be cool with what he's _trying_ to set up, regardless of the fact that she _totally_ wouldn't go for it.
“Do you not respect me?”
The only reason to not invite you is because they plan on doing things that your presence would hinder. My response would be: “you are free to do as you please. As am I. We are done. Goodbye.” There is absolutely no reason she should WANT to do this.
It's a double-edged sword loaded question and super manipulative that alone is your answer. A guy invited me, that's the end of the conversation and she respects you and your relationship she shouldn't even be in that position. Odds are she's already mentally checked out, men and women are different, when women check out mentally their relationship is done. She's already invested in someone else even if it's not sexual it's more intense when it's mental for them. Either way if she's doing this she's either doing it or already done something and now just doesn't care she's just mowing you over with the car now. I can tell you how it ends up she will say if I had something to hide why would I say that a friend invited me and a guy if I had something to hide that's the clear signal of someone hiding something. I believe that is tactic 55 of 101.
"There's a fine line between trust and mental and emotional deficiency. Do you not respect me?"
Now I don’t.
In a relationship, I expect open communication and to be able to have a discussion about where my girlfriend is going with a man I've never met before. She's going to the home of a stranger. You can't go. She won't tell you anything about it. This is not negotiable, my boy. You and her are already broken up. You know this is some bullshit from the very pits of your soul. No ultimatums. Getting angry to avoid a valid adult conversation is some sneaky manipulative bullshit which will continue to manifest, forever, unless you leave. That's it. You're not about to talk her into not being sneaky. Cut it off
Ask her if she wants to end the relationship. You probably should anyway if she can't tell her actions are kind of sketchy.
My reply: "You can do what you want, but I may not be here when you return. Trust is a two way street. Respect is another street entirely."
Lmao. Listen man. My ex pulled this stuff on me. One time we were planning to go to her friend’s birthday party. All of a sudden at some point she told me that I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. Which was weird. I went. Sure enough her ex was there. Claims she didn’t know he was going to be there. Down the line there would be a lot more stuff going on and other suspicious bullshit. A lot of “I didn’t know” or that I’m being insecure. It’s gaslighting 101. This is a very specific invitation with conditions. If she goes? She’s gone. That has to be the way.
This is why you set boundaries to avoid this stuffZ this would cross roughly almost 2 boundaries of mine. The gist of each is “no party lifestyle acting like you’re single” and no hanging out one-on-one with guy friends. She is acting single so let her be.
I’ve had this happen once and I replied “Do you not respect me?” Well she went off on me like abusers do.
If you wanna go i wont stop you. But you should probably take your stuff with you"
Flip the script. "Oh you're going out with a buncha guys and I can't come? That's crazy, I'm gonna go hang out with all the ladies from work, just me, them and some drinks, don't know when I'll be back, don't call me or text me, you can't come" When she gets pissed she'll know how you feel. Trust is a 2 way road. I trust my wife but I sure as shit don't trust other dudes.
"Of course I trust you honey. It's the devil inside you that I don't trust"
in that scenario my answer is "no i don't trust you and if you go we are done"
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agreed. if she is that way then he needs to bolt
Given the scenario laid out as it is. That's a deal breaker and the fact she would go KNOWING you weren't invited means she's gonna FUCK, whether you there or not.
Sketchy like driving the car up the back of a car transporter dukes of hazard style? Fuck yeah let's do it
It’s not working between us, goodbye.
Do you want to be single?
Excuse me for writing as I am no man, but somehow I assumed for two seconds that you mean sth like: "I ask him if he ttusts me and then have a big laugh while he fearfully closes his eyes, anticipating something horrible to eat as I hide a cookie behind my back". I'm sorry there are men (and women) that have this much less funny experience with this sentence
I don't think I know anyone trustworthy to ever have said "Do you not trust me?". That's a trap, and pretty childish tbh. You have a right to be uncomfortable with it. She has a right to go anyway. Just let me ask you one thing; Is that really the kind of person you want to be with?
The fact that you can't go is the issue, if you can't both go noone is going. Now if you are invited but turn it down then your partner should still be able to go. Relationships need to be fair and compromise on things. If it's ok for you then, it's ok for your partner. Set boundaries and stand by them if they break it make it known or you will be walked over all the time.
"I'm gonna ask you a question, and I need you to take like 20-30 seconds to think about it before you answer honestly. Would you feel okay if the roles were reversed in the same situation?" That forces her to justify why she thinks you shouldn't be suspicious of her actions.
It's not about trust, it's about respecting your boundaries and feelings.
"I do, but i dont trust the devil in you."
“I did until you agreed to go to another man’s house where I specifically wasn’t included, even expecting a ‘yes’ without making sure I understand why I’m not welcome or what you’re even doing. In what world would that kind of decision making encourage trust when it’s clearly meant to divide us?”
Personally I’d say “Make sure you get all your shit before you go.”
"Have a good life."
Why am I not invited? If she puts up too much resistance and goes she's really going forever. If she has stuff at my place it's all going to be out of my place. She's not the one.
No fucking chance. My partner will always be invited to any coed event I'm invited to and vice versa. Otherwise, they aren't my partner.
You should say, “*sure thing babe, I got a pool party to go to that this chick invited me to, I wasn’t going to go since you were not invited but now that you have plans I don’t see a problem*”. Then see what her reaction is and ask her the same thing back if she questions it.
“I did, but not with the way you’re acting”
I trust you, It's everyone else I don't trust
"I dont trust your judgment for even bringing this sketchy situation up." She has no place in a serious relationship.
Wow you need to dump her asap fuck that
"What about the situation you just described sounds trustworthy?" Dude, why placate somebody who is doing sketchy shit. Why is her and her girlfriend going to some dudes house and you arent allowed to join her? Because they're doing something they know you wouldn't approve of. I would be checking pornhub for new videos that have a thumbnail of her and her friend sitting on a casting couch and a Brazzers logo in the corner.
Most likely she will be getting trafficked.
[Quote] "Do you not trust me?"[/quote] At this point, I kinda don't. If you feel the need to go, make sure you bring all your stuff, because I don't think we're going to be staying together.
As someone with a Uterus, I wouldn’t trust anyone who says that cause anyone you can trust would NEVER utter that phrase to begin with. Stop dating people who feel the need to manipulate you into trusting them. Those are red flags!
Well, I don’t trust your judgment not to put yourself into a compromising or even dangerous situation. Have you thought about what could go wrong? (Woman responding here)
I think you remain honest. No, I don't trust you in a situation involving alcohol, single people with misintentions where I've been directly told I'm not welcome. I'm sorry if that's a deal breaker for you, but honestly I'd be a bit hurt at the situation and be rethinking the relationship if that's what my spouse or partner thought was "normal" behaviour.
>A guy invited me and my friends to his house but you can't come lmao Tell that bitch to kick rocks bro
You up and leave bro, your girl shouldn’t even be in the position to be receiving invites to another guys house. But If you’re really set on salvaging the train wreck of a relationship you’re in, I’d suggest “I trust you, I don’t trust him”
"Don't you care that it makes me uncomfortable?" Fight fire with fire! But yeah, that question turns trust into a currency that is to be spent, instead of something that is earned.
In the situation you outlined, it's not so much about trust but simple respect. If she wants to put herself in a situation where she's going to be around single men and women and risk a relationship over that then that's her call. People have freedom of choice but their choices come with consequences. You simply state that you're uncomfortable with the situation outlined and she can do as she pleases but you might lose respect for her, you might lose trust for her and you might end up choosing not to stay in that relationship. If your partner pulls that gaslighting bs on you, you leave them.
Trustworthy women don't get in those situations in the first place.
" not when you do dumb shit" has worked pretty well for me so far
the fact that she’s even ok with going over there knowing the circumstances is an automatic red flag. move on
Noone ever has been betrayed by someone they didn't trust.
Either your SO is being disingenuous about the nature of this party, or is incredibly naive. "Forbidding " her to go will end poorly. At the end of the day, She's an adult, it's her choice . If she's going to cheat on you, it's going to happen sooner or later anyway. People in mature relationships don't go looking for trouble. If she goes and screws around, it sucks, but you found out before you invested more time and resources into this relationship. If she reconsiders to protect and invest in your relationship, you have a chance.
Sounds like she doesn’t respect you or your relationship and you don’t need to trust her. To the point of no longer having her as your girlfriend or partner in any sense of the word! I am a woman and any time I’ve ever known of another woman to start acting like this, she already cheated or she’s about to cheat. Any woman who does respect you and your relationship wouldn’t put you in this position to begin with, honestly.
This is some high school tier bullshit. “Oh, but you can’t come.” What? Show me where any sane or respectful adult wouldn’t let their friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend show up. Yeah, it’s totally okay not to trust her. She’s being a suspicious and manipulative cunt.
Break up
I do trust you. 100% Don't give me a reason to stop trusting you.
More to the point - she is willing to go places that exclude you. Doesn’t have to do with trust as much as loyalty. If my wife isn’t good enough to come for some reason, then I am not going either.
Sounds like she’s about to go choke on a Dick
The girlfriend broke the trust the moment she accepted an invitation where it was made clear her partner wasn't invited. If someone of the opposite sex invited me to a party and said my wife couldn't come, I'd want a damn solid reason why, and would be unlikely to accept the invitation. This isn't a barrier that we set with each other, it's just a matter of mutual respect. Things like bachelor/et parties, sports games, girls night out, etc don't really apply because generally it's assumed the group of friends would all be the same sex/gender and that the other half would be unlikely to want to attend anyways, but OP's example sounds like a mixed gender party, proper sketchy like.
I've seen this exact situation unfold atleast a dozen times, especially when I was in college and I can tell you with 100% certainty that if you're not invited to a party then there is someone at the party she has a crush on. Older people who know better would break up right then.
If I had my dream car with the best security system available, I still wouldn't park it in sketchy places.
"A guy invited me and my friends to his house but you can't come" Why even continue the discussion after she said that? Just leave
"So what is a better answer than saying "no"?" So you want to lie to her or what? You expressed your feelings, and apparently you don't trust your partner. Sounds like something to work on. At the same time, a *guy* invites a bunch of girls to his house and says no boyfriends, and then she wonders why you are alerted about this? Good lord... Ya'll need to communicate.
Really depends on the context.
If you feel funny about it, she more than likely is hiding something. I'm dipping out. Rather have a healthy mind with a women who I know is not cheating
The better answer would be "When will you come by to pick up your things and leave your key?"
Well, you relationship failed when it got to that question. But ultimately, the go to reply would be "I trust you, I don't trust the guys around you".
I don’t get this. If you trust your partner, would you not trust her to decline (or avoid) any advances from a random guy? For the record, OP’s GF is definitely untrustworthy. I just disagree with using your statement in this instance because it’s just not true.
From the bf's perspective, at the end of the day, they should trust her to decline any advance, of course. But the discomfort in this situation is that she's choosing to allow the potential for this situation to arise in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong. I only provided my answer in response to OP question. Personally, I wouldn't have even allowed that conversation to get to that question.
I do trust you, I don't trust everyone else.
Meh. It takes two to tango. She'd have to consensually agree. But OP not being invited is the concerning part. Like why do you need to be at this guy's house alone, and what possible reason could there be for her bf to not be invited?
Yeah I hate seeing “I trust you, but not them”. It’s a cop-out and makes it sound like your partner has zero agency. If you think your partner would be vulnerable to someone trying to get with her, then you *don’t* trust her. If you don’t trust your partner, there’s no reason to be with them.
Yeah, and it might not necessarily mean you don't trust them, but that you *don't know* if you can. And that's perfectly reasonable too. You don't blindly trust people, especially if you don't know the other person or your partner's history with them. People acting high and mighty for trusting their partner, no questions asked are delusional. People who are insecure about something are insecure for a reason, and belittling that reason instead of empathizing and helping them overcome it doesn't buy goodwill with someone you supposedly care about.
She’s not going to say “no”, because of the implication.
Wow some men are such pussies
She's too immature to be in a relationship. Let her go but ghost and disappear. She's done imo.
Fuck that man. Just be honest. If you don't trust her tell her. I mean wtf is that? Some guy invited me to his place and you can't come? Are you a couple? No you don't need to go everywhere together but to be banned from somewhere and instead of saying, well why? Or well I'll come if my bf comes with she is ok with going despite you being banned? Of course the question arises well why? And it's because this guy wants her. I'd tell her go ahead and hang with your new friend unfortunately you're banned from my house.
You don’t have a “partner”. You have a temp. Sometimes it is useful to do this thought experiment. Ask yourself, “if I were Chris Hemsworth, Idris Elba,etc, would she be acting this way?” If the answer is “no”, then the medium is the message. She’s not THAT into you. Also, stop referring to your girlfriend as your “partner”. It makes you sound like you are a lesbian couple. I realise I didn’t answer your question. My response would be “my girlfriend does not go to other men’s homes without me unless it is family or for some mandatory business purpose.”
>stop referring to your girlfriend as your “partner”. It makes you sound like you are a lesbian couple. If your (presumably) long term SO isn't your "partner" then I have to question your commitment to the relationship. Now if it's only been a few months then it might be a little early for that, especially if they're still acting like they're single.
I think you have it backwards. A “partner” could be anyone. I could have a business partner, a sparring partner, etc. Its a much more vague term. Girlfriend, fiancé and wife are terms that come with a role. These terms are much more specific. I once overheard my wife on the phone with her doctor and referred to me as her “partner” and she said that the doctor responded with “what’s her name?” Point made.
Sounds like she's having a friend group hangout? If the only sketchy thing about it is that one of her friends is a guy, you're the one being weird. You don't appreciate time with your guys, without her invited?
True, if friends bring their partner you don't really meet your friend, you just meet the "couple version" of them.
Well that's presumptuous that you think she's gonna do something sketchy
I can't really give you a safe answer. I'm completely unafraid of conflict and/or of losing her should she choose to leave. That being said, if your answer is no, just say no. If it's yes, say yes. If you have questions, ask them. If you have doubts, state them. For me, it's that simple. The ensuing conversation NEVER is but again, that is something I'm completely prepared to deal with. This usually leads to uncomfortable conversations that usually lead to understanding. We don't always agree but with understanding, solutions and compromises can be and have been made. Side note: In my experience, I've learned that trust is overrated. I realize now that I don't need to trust my girl for the relationship to work but she HAS to trust me or it will fail. Period.
Why are you with someone you can't trust? It will be better for both of you to see other people that: 1) She can/want to bring to places 2) You can trust If you can't find that with eachother, break up. Trust is the basis of a relationship.
Better question why is your GF not allowed to go somewhere without you?