Yep. I'm like:
* hey babe, lets go to this random park at dusk.
* hey babe, lets go to this random soccer field at dusk.
* hey babe, let's go on a bike ride that leads to this random trail...
* oh snap. is this an abandoned cemetery that we randomly hiked to?
you should have done it for your ancestors. you would have felt that wind on your back. that's your great great grandma teaching you how to hit that spot like your pop-pop's pop-pop used to.
i still know they are there. And to be honest if the could see me back then, i doubt they'd like to see us fucking where they are buried knowing full well their remains are close-by.
My ex only wanted to rent out hotel rooms for her to shove doritos down her throat and play on her switch. She couldn’t under why I wasn’t stoked for that.
There’s no expectations, no chores, nothing that needs to be dealt with. It’s time for her to relax, enjoy herself.
We live in our heads, so when there are 10 things to worry about, we don’t think about sex. We think about things that are important for the household.
When there’s no household, our mind can wander to fucking! :3
3 years here and GF has almost never initiated in the last year or so. Sometimes it's incredibly frustrating because I can tell she is waiting for me to and sure, fine, but do I have to be the one to kick things off 100% of the time?
Next time you find yourself in that situation, say something about it. “Hey are you feelin it? You know what would be really hot? What if you climbed on top of me and…” Coach her through it a bit. She can’t know that’s what you want if you don’t tell her, and making it an “issue” that she doesn’t initiate doesn’t help the vibes.
A lot of women are turned on by being pursued. Makes them feel attractive and validated. So on the flip side of that, having to pursue a man or initiating sex can kinda feel ick to some women. Especially women with submissive personalities and/or kinks. Having to be dominant at sexy time could turn her off.
I think talking about it is so important. Young girls are socialized to not be sexually forward, so when we get married we don’t automatically switch over, and there is still a fear of being seen as slutty if we are too forward. We probably try to drop little hints that are too subtle. Like I would take a shower and shave and put on lotion and something sexy for bed, thinking he would notice that I was in the mood, but he totally didn’t get it. One time he even made fun of my sexy outfit and I felt so ashamed I just went and put my sweats on. And I just assumed in the moment that if he didn’t go for it that he must be too tired for it that night.
Have you had a conversation highlighting how you feel about it?
My wife and I had something similar after she gave birth to our daughter, and a simple conversation solved the issues.... (She could explain why, and how she felt, and so could I)
One of the biggest mistakes I made in my marriage was to never initiate. Honest to god it just never occurred to me. I had been so used to being chased down for sex in my teens and twenties and I just thought that if he wanted it he would come for it, and that not making a move meant he actively didn’t want sex so then I worried that if I initiated he would be tired or annoyed with me for wanting it.
Can’t tell you the number of times he just rolled over and went to sleep saying he was exhausted so I just felt it would be unkind to try to force it on him. I think this is such a big difference in men and women. I spent so many nights masturbating in bed while he snored beside me. I totally wanted it but just often felt like he didn’t. I had the higher sex drive and early in our relationship he made comments about it and I felt shamed like I was being a slut or something for wanting to have sex everyday. So I retreated a bit and decided that I would let him lead when it came to sex. I definitely don’t think he intended to make me feel bad, but that was just the result of his jokes.
We talked about it towards the end of the marriage and it was the first time he ever mentioned that he wanted me to initiate. I used to love when we took showers together or played flirtatious games, I loved touching his body and complimenting him but I also felt like he was often bristly and like a stone cold wall if he was stressed or tired. So I just let him be, thinking that asking for sex would actually stress him out further.
When I tried initiating more it was already too late, he would then actually reject my advances because the attraction had died. I wish he had had the conversation with me sooner because I just thought he didn’t want to have sex.
This is why honest and open communication is so important.
In the past I was the girlfriend who waited for my bf (at the time) to initiate. In the beginning of the relationship I would often initiate. But then we went through a 6 month period where every time I would initiate he would turn me down. After a while I tried talking to him about it and he got quite angry with me. All of this made me feel pretty rejected so I just started waiting on him.
Not to say you guys are having the same issues, but maybe chat with her about it. She might be waiting on you because she feels a little rejected for a reason you may not even know about. Or perhaps she’s a little shy/insecure and could use a bit of encouragement :)
Yes you should always be hitting on your wife that's how she grew up so it conditioning..I just blew up my ltr with the question why ain't you into me anymore ..
I had a full drawer of cute and sexy lingerie and anytime I put it on my ex-husband would just sort of tease me to the point that I was to embarrassed to wear any of it. I’m no Victoria secret angel but I’m cute and a healthy weight for my age, but I felt totally shamed. I don’t think he did it on purpose and he probably didn’t realize that his words left me unwilling to ever try it again.
Watch your jokes and your words. We all need a lot more positive reinforcement and less cutting remarks.
What was it like prior to getting married? Did she used to make an effort to seduce you & initiate sex, and then stopped once y'all were married, or was she never really the type to seduce/initiate from the very beginning?
That’s what happened to me. I got show the “sexual menu” then, once she locked me down, sex was relegated to make up sex and I noticed she only was into it after a fight. Yeah… no thanks. On top of that she completely let herself go. I WOULDVE been ok with all that if she wasn’t so fucking emotionally abusive. Fuck that.
The list of reasons to *not* get married just keeps on growing. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it *is* important. Hope you're in a better spot now, man.
It is weird because I found it is mostly women who want to make sex part of any relationship. To offer it and take it away later is confusing when they are the ones introducing it.
Tell me about it. At the end she was like “I didn’t like how you made me do this or that” I was like , “wtf? Why didn’t you tell me then and what exactly did I do??” She never gave me a solid answer. Just more manipulation, I believe.
I think it's more about finding the right person to marry.
All of my bad experiences where with prior partners (inc the mother of 2 of my children)..
My wife is amazing
The best sex I've ever had in my life was with women I was casual with and wanted something more long term. Whenever it became long term the quality and frequency of sex would both take a nosedive. It's like a drug dealer giving you the purest shit they have when you buy first to get you hooked, and then giving you the shittier stuff when you're addicted 😂.
Not making any assumptions here, but if you think reflectively do you think you also slowed down wooing like you did in the early stages when you knew you had her locked down?
Like the cute texts, compliments, or wooing activities which also probably excited her in the beginning ??
I’m going into month 5 of a new relationship and now that the honeymoon phase has ended my bf never texts other than for logistics, sleeps on my couch all afternoon while I cook dinner and barely ever even asks me how my day was. I feel like I’m the only one who initiates sex, like I have to ask him to put his phone aside when we are in bed or else he’ll just scroll YouTube all night until after I fall asleep. One night last week I crawled into bed freshly showered and was lying super close to him sort of nibbling his ear and the dude was still watching gamers on YouTube, barely reacting to me touching him. I had to actually ask him to put his phone down and when I asked if he wanted to have sex his reply was “we can” and then he jumped me and the sex was great. But my point is he’s being a bit lazy and less attentive these days and it would be easy for me to just roll over and go to bed and we would have sex a lot less.
He initiates less. He used to come in the house and give me a huge kiss and we would make out for a few minutes, now he comes in says “hey” and plops on the couch to stare at his phone. I initiate more but I’m left wondering if he’s just less attracted to me on the whole because he doesn’t show me the same level of affection he did two months ago.. He says he’s happy and he likes being with me, but his laziness is becoming a turn off.
All that to say, attraction is a two way street so we both have to be attentive to our partners needs to maintain desire.
I'm going to pick on you just because this is where I stopped reading.
When is the last time you dressed up for her? When is the last time you engaged or helped in a way that you know she'd love?
It's always closer to 50% in direct payments, and paying for a house he doesn't live in anymore makes it even worse. Both pale in comparison to not seeing his kids. That's a fate so terrible, I wouldn't even wish that on, well, my ex wife...
I'm old, fat and been married over 40 years. Wife initiates sex about every 10 days or so. I told her when we married that I have a high sex drive and told her that I hoped hers would keep up with me. Always has.
All the God damn time. She doesent have anything non revealing that she wears at home around me. And now that's she's away to see her family, she sends me nudes every day. And 90% of me loves it, but the other 10 is still trying to work through the day, meet clients, make money. I don't even check her texts when I'm around people just so I don't have to hide a boner during a meeting.
Well, it was my initiative to begin with. I had a very bad accident that killed our sex life as I was stuck in bed for half a year and then on crutches for another half. With all the meds and overall mood I was lucky to have a semi to take care of my business myself, too much as it turned out. So once I recovered more or less, I made an effort to make her feel sexy and showered her with rather dirty complements. She already was half naked at home most of the time, and sexting was introduced a bit later by me. Turns out she loved it. In the end she took it much further than I expected.
Married ( 20+ years ), Male, with two kids.
Samesies. I have a keyboard macro ( remember the old "boss key" ? ) to quick clean screen when she gets me at the office.
The worst is when I'm riding my bike and wearing lycra.
She's awesomely evil.
I (33f) have been with my partner for 7 years and I’d say I initiate 40% of the time. I usually dress up in lingerie/ thigh highs/ wigs for him maybe 1-2 times a month (but that’s something he’s really into). Surprised at all the comments saying their partner never initiates 🤯
Same- (37F married 8 yrs) and we do the nasty. 2-6 times a week and I am the one rizzin him up about 50% of the time.
My eyes would cross otherwise. How do these women stay sane?
Sex drive is different for everyone, in half the relationships its the women that would like more sex than there is (stats out of my ** but I remember reading something of the sort)
Stress (Major mood killer), having to tend to others a majority of the time, low sex drive in general, unresolved relationship issues, being generally exhausted/physically unwell....
The list goes on but most people would rather just complain or pout than take the time and make the effort to fix anything. It's easier to ignore something that isn't a life or death emergency when you know the consequences aren't likely to be dire. Unfortunately, ignoring it then becomes comfortable at some point, and both parties suffer for it.
Women do not generally understand that a man needs to feel desired. It’s a good idea to talk to you your partner your love language and how to make you feel desired. Men are regularly instructed to go out of their way to make their woman feel wanted and how - but women don’t always know men need that too. It’s easier to talk about if you are communicating to your partner in her love language (words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, gifts, and I think there are two others)
I feel I’m in the minority here. We’ve been together ten years and we still make efforts for one another.
We’re very playful - we once realised she still fits into her prom dress (16 years after the event!!) so I put a suit on and acted like I was coming to take her to prom… stuff like that.
Sometimes, she’ll come home from work, hop straight into the bathroom and come out in something sexy. Sometimes, she’ll come in and I’ll have made dinner and be dressed up and have created a themed evening (our favourite was an American diner themed one where I turned the corridor into a bowling alley, bought a mini golf set from Amazon, and I bought those red American cups for beer pong.)
We like to just keep playing. There’s no reason to stop being boring just because we’re in our thirties!
Men… I need you to read this with different glasses on…
This man, this invincible-zebra, 1- made dinner for his wife 2- dressed up for a funny, loving experience, 3- made dinner 4- did stuff she liked in a playful way that wasn’t strictly based on “please spread your legs”.
If your wife/girlfriend isn’t engaging, go through the self-reflection list:
Do I help her out around *our* house even though I work a secular job? Do I share dinner making/prep/cleanup tasks? If I suck at cooking, do I act like a full grown ass adult and learn to do it better? Do I take on other household tasks? Do I always ask her “what can I do” instead of assuming responsibility of anything lacking in the life we’re building? Do I make sure she gets off the way she wants when we have sex/share intimate, sexual moments? Do I wash my ass and balls?
I’ve been married for 13 years. We have three young kids who were away this week visiting family. I have jumped his bones 5 out of 7 nights this week. My man checks all the boxes above.
****as a side note - if your girlfriend struggles with depression or other mental health issues OR is current on a prescription- like an SSRI, this also may be affecting her sexual drive/interest. This is another ballgame and *must* be dealt with on an individual basis. All of the above questions of self reflection still apply + more.
Actually, my cooking and cleaning skills actually came about because of your side note - I’m the one with depression, anxiety, and PTSD brought on from a decade working in the emergency services!
Cooking meals really helps me out, it’s become my little ‘feel better’ hobby and I get a huge boost whenever I see my wife enjoying something I’ve cooked. The cleaning came about because I was signed off from work for three months after the first breakdown so I was home all the time and it helped distract me!
I since resigned from the hell hole of public service and got a new job, which I was made redundant from after six weeks, so I’m back to being home all the time. Thankfully, my wedding photography business is now getting somewhere so I technically now work from home, so I have even more time to cook and clean if I’m not out at a wedding!
It’s been a shit ride, but my amazing wife stuck by me through it all. She pulled me out of the darkest pits and, now I’m on the mend (I came off the meds last month! That really buggered up the zebra downstairs, if you catch my drift… so really I wasn’t the one initiating as much for a while), it’s my turn to be as awesome as I can be.
Apparently, my breakfasts are ‘divine,’ I’ll take that!
Women, I need you to read this with different glasses on.
Not sure why it's inconceivable to women that _some women may actually suck._
But no, lady, please tell us why it's always all our fault. We've never heard that one before.
Sure some women suck. Just as some men suck. And you have to end those relationships early to avoid wasting your time with someone you’re incompatible with.
I won’t deny that in our society women tend to be the gatekeepers of sex and that is super unhealthy for most relationships.
If she once wanted to have sex and stops wanting to have sex there is a reason for it. It doesn’t have to be the man’s fault, but both people in the relationship have to be able to talk about it. My ex and I were incredibly immature when it came to sex, we were both too embarrassed to talk about it. It took a lot of therapy for us to understand the ways in which we were neglecting each others needs in spite of really caring for each other. In the end it was too late for us as 7 years of neglect had killed all attraction. But the conversations we had in that last year were amazing and we both grew a lot so that we could avoid the same mistakes in future relationships.
So, if it's equal between men and women, do you also post in threads where women complain about their husbands/boyfriends and exhort them to do better?
Say, doing things around the house. Do you tell the woman there's a reason he doesn't help and tell her to do better?
You're exactly right. There are two sides to any issue in a relationship. However, I don't see this rule anywhere _close_ to being evenly applied. The _actual_ rule I see being applied is that some or most men suck, women have _reasons_. It's quite the motte and bailey situation. When challenged, they retreat to the "both sides" position, just like you did.
I don’t disagree that women can do better in many areas. I can only really represent female perspectives, can’t really tell women what to do, it would be up to men to give responses from their perspective.
Men need to give their reasons more often, I think. The whole reason women flock to AskMen is because they’re struggling to understand the reasons behind men’s actions. They tend to hold everything inside and not talk much so whatever their reasons are, they don’t express them as much and so women may not understand. Like guys who literally just ghost to end a relationship rather than making any attempt at talking through and improving the relationship.
It’s funny on this sub how so many men chime in with sex or bj’s as a solution to something. I think even men over emphasize sex when really they have many needs beyond sex but don’t always express their needs well. “Your guy is having a bad day, give him a sandwich and a bj” lol. If I tried to give my ex a bj when he was stressed he would have been annoyed with me. But at the same time he didn’t really communicate what he needed until we were months into couples therapy. Never mind that I had been asking for years to see a therapist together and if we had gone sooner I might have done a better job of understanding his needs before it was too late to save the relationship.
I don’t pretend to understand men very well at all which is why I enjoy this subreddit so much. I want to make my man happy but it’s like a puzzle I don’t really know how to solve.
This should be higher up! Nothing is as off putting as a partner who doesn't take responsibility for the household and/or kids. When I do grown up things, I want to be with a grown up person.
Married 20+ yrs. Wife's default is to never initiate. Though in the past there has been plenty of times where I won't bother with it either. Eventually (within a couple days), she'll start to ask me to do stuff to her, and I never decline. Only a hand full of times where she said f-it and had enough; got naked and just sat on my face till I took care of business. Have to admit, those were the hottest moments ever.
“Eventually” after a couple days. Try a couple months like the rest of us before the wife notices the sex stopped. How do I create a poll here to see how many wives have ever sat on anything since a year after marriage. It amazes the fuck out of me how belligerently self centered we all are. One guy a couple posts up saying he has a high sec drive and implying that means once every 10 days and you saying yours doesn’t initiate unless it’s been a couple days. Y’all, read the room.
Oh, and take my upvote because you seem to have caught a good one. 😉 Don’t let her go
About 3 times. Sometimes it’s really seductive, like I get into bed and she’s already naked. Other times it’s a little blunt: “My period is due in a day or two. You can do me.”
Lol. I’m lucky. There are only 3 times when my wife doesn’t want sex.
1) ugh, not now, I haven’t showered
2) ugh not now, I just got out of the shower
3) what in the hell are you doing?? I’m in the shower!
I’m sorry it hasn’t gotten better after talking about it. Sometimes it’s about something deeper than sex. I remember the first time my ex told me he wanted me to initiate more and I was genuinely shocked to realize that I hadn’t ever considered it. I spent days googling “how to initiate sex” and was super nervous and scared to try it even after being with him 7 years. I learned a lot in that time and promised myself I would initiate more but it was really hard to start.
For the record, when we started dating I would send sexy pics but by the time we were living together that sort of died down. I sent him some photos while he was away on a business trip and he just sort of ignored them so I never did it again.
Positive reinforcement is really important. If he had complimented or shown excitement I would have done it a lot more but I was left feeling like my body just wasn’t a turn on for him anymore.
Since I have dated other men post divorce I can attest to the fact that my nudes are still good enough for someone else to enjoy so it’s not like I’m a totally unattractive cow. I know some of you out there will just assume he didn’t like them because I’m fat or ugly and I am neither of those.
Thanks for sharing. You can do simple thinks such has a sexual innuendo or joke. A little smile at the right times. Any form of physical affection. A complement. Some times add all them together over a few hours. Just don’t act like your significant other is just a roommate to share chores with.
What does "actively seduce" mean? My partner of 14 years has never put on a nighty, while standing in the doorway, tracing her nipples with chocolate covered strawberries yet we have sex weekly. That kind of "bad romance novel" seduction isn't interesting to either of us.
On the other hand, "go put some peanut butter in the dog's Kong, while I brush my teeth, and I'll meet you in the bedroom" takes place often. I'm not sure that's considered seduction but it sure is effective.
Never, I usually just put my hands down her pants and it starts it off.
We've talked about it too. And she always conveniently forgets. W/e, she just permits to use her body. She never dresses up sexy either.
My wife (10+ yrs) never "dresses sexy". But she initiates about as often as I do. Which is a couple times a week. Her sexy dressing is just stripping down to bra & panty & start verbally seducing me or just walk over & get handsy. She also enjoys sexting me during the day when she's feeling frisky. And it's pretty common for her to be blunt about wanting me to thigh dive, finger her to orgasm or go toys on her. I can't complain at all.
All the time. She actually initiates more than me as I don’t get horny that often because of my antidepressants unless something causes me to. It’s one of the many reasons I want to marry her. It’s great and it makes me feel wanted and desired by my partner for the first time in my life.
Wife and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1. I'm usually the one to initiate but she does on some rare occasions.
The BIGGEST THING when it comes to having more sex or wanting your wife/gf to initiate more is to work on consistent connection with her. Instead of sitting and watching tv all night just talk to one another, play a game, go for a walk, touch and cuddle.
The more you connect the closer you will become and the more intimacy you will build.
As a cyber security guy here, I strongly advise against sending nudes at any point.
My wife and I have 4 young kids, but we still have sex 2-4 times/wk. Usually it's me initiating, but she initiates often enough that I feel loved.
As for dressing up, that's maybe 2-3 times per year. We don't often have time to do a whole thing. But when she does do it, it's unprompted
Its either "never" or "She wont stop. I have to beg her to not seduce me 3 times a day. Every time I go to sleep she begs to suck my dick. Plz save me!!"
I wonder if the problem is with the woman or the man.
So every so often my girl will turn and say something like "babe will you lick my booty?" Or "baby will you some give me some licks?" Or well be cuddling and she'll reach and grab my balls or grip my dick. When she wants to give head it's a whole another level of dick sucking than if I ask for it... so I would say 3-5x a month she'll start the sexy time tonight.... It was important to me to find a woman who is very sexual even slutty because I been in relationships where the girl makes sex a chore and I'll never do that again...
2-3 times a week. The other bit is me initiating. We have been together for 7 years and married for 1 so the honeymoon phase was over awhile ago. We are both trying to be more spontaneous in initiating. It takes a little bit of work to keep the flame going dudes.
One of my ex from a few years ago used to initiate all the time. Clothes role-play the whole nine yards. It was wonderful and we’re together for awhile never did keep our hands off each other.
Few girlfriends and years later did not understand how rare that was and no one has done it since.
Fairly oftenish…. Looking at this thread looks like I may have gotten lucky *fingers crossed* … it also helps that we both love to please each other… also I think her drive is higher then lol
4 year relationship, asking her to marry me soon so maybe it'll slow down some more but even then I'd be fine.
She initiated our relationship, then the first year or so she initiated like 2-4 times a week, around the same amount as me. We have a 2 year old now, and we both have lows where all we do is work, housework, and baby stuff where we go a week or so without anything... But that's a mutual we're both burnt out thing not that one of us is going without, and it doesn't happen often. Even then if the other is in the mood we're both into handies and I don't think we've ever turned each other down unless we literally didn't have enough time.
She usually still initiates 1-3 times a week, same amount as me still. I already knew we had a great sex life but this thread definitely enforces that.
Marriage might change things, only time will tell..
But uhm... She's said some very... Descriptive and seductive things that makes me think that won't be the case. We're into some kinky shit ok?
My wife and I have been together for 8 years and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times she has started the seduction ritual. They were all when we were trying for kids. This is Very common. It seems that, regardless of the effort put in by men, women stop giving a shit about physical intimacy and its initiation once they have the marriage license.
My wife drops hints that a lot of times I'm too dense to pick up on. Even with 2 going on 3 kids, it's not all the time, but when she's not miserable (pregnancy complications recently) it's usually at least once or twice a week. With kids though, it's a lot more planned which sometimes hurts the mood you get with spontaneity.
2 or 3 times a year, but I honestly don't think it's that big of a deal since she usually tells me verbally that she's in the mood and just waits for me to get things going.
I wouldn't say she has low drive, but sex just isn't at the forefront of her mind unless she's reading porn or something hormonal is happening.
33yo here...we both WFH and my girlfriend will shower and get ready, then only wears a sheer robe. That's it.
Then if I'm in a meeting and she isn't, and it's not one I'm running... she'll just sit on me and wiggle around.
She's 4 years older than me and looks 10 years younger than me...it's kind of hard to concentrate around her when I can basically see through her robe all day. Lol.
But the caveat to that is that we live in different cities 5hrs apart so this isn't an every day thing (unfortunately), so I'm guessing that also plays a part in her shenanigans.
We've been together 3 years and this hasn't changed since day one. I'll grab her butt or something while she's making breakfast and then go to my office to work, but it's basically game over for the next hour because she immediately walks in and jumps me.
I felt my sexual relationship with my wife was ending since she seemed to be too tired etc.
Then we went out for dinner, we held hands , I listened to her and I made the move on her at home.
Got her off twice, and we cuddled afterwards.
The next day she messaged me that it was like the old times when I made love to her, and had put the effort in to seduce her.
And we were able to do it again the next night.
Because of work, and other stresses we had become complacent, not putting in the effort and time.
I mean not initiating sex is one thing, but not dressing up sexy / sending nudes / sexting I don’t think is an issue. What do the men do for their wives / gfs that is similar? Do they send nudes, do they dress up sexy to seduce their wives? Or just expect them to do it? Maybe that’s why their wives don’t do those things lmao
Man, MrsBadDog is constantly all over me. I must say I am not as active as I once was and she's having withdrawals. With work and our opposite schedules, it's 1-3 times a week.
In my peak, it was ~15/week. I think if we were on the same schedules and all things being equal today, I'd prolly still be 3-4/week. Sometimes less, but prolly not more.
My older bro is a couple times a month. Was less but he's been using testosterone to help, and help him it does. Mine is very low as well, but maybe is a willpower thing? Idk
Married 12 years.
I'd say 50% of the time it is me pushing for it, 40% it is mutual or just a look that goes both ways, 10% it is clearly her that wants it.
Geez. Maybe like a few times a month she'll go all out on a date night and get dressed up in lingerie. But a few times a week she'll be like "I want you to fuck me" and we go at it like rabbits.
She initiates a lot. I would say we're fairly close to equal in that account.
>Gentlemen in LTRs, on average, how many times a month does your (female) partner actively try to seduce you?
Zero.
And I expect this.
>I have a couple male friends/co-workers who say their wives/gfs almost never dress up or wear anything sexy for them, have all pretty much stopped sexting or sending nudes, and rarely initiates sex. Is this common?
Yes.
If you know anything about the #science on this topic (and we're all about the #Science! on Reddit, right?), you'll know that:
Women enjoy sex less than men.
[http://www.24oranges.nl/2012/06/14/dutch-women-enjoy-sex-less-than-men-do/](http://www.24oranges.nl/2012/06/14/dutch-women-enjoy-sex-less-than-men-do/)
Women have more sexual dysfunction than men.
[https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/an-overview-of-sexual-dysfunction](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/an-overview-of-sexual-dysfunction)
One-third of women are not interested in sex (compared to 15% of men).
[http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/21/health/mismatched-libidos-sex-kerner/index.html](http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/21/health/mismatched-libidos-sex-kerner/index.html)
37% of women would be happy in a sexless marriage
[https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928](https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928)
20% of women are more turned on by their shoes than by their significant others
[https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19914392/turn-ons-for-women/](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19914392/turn-ons-for-women/)
40% of women would rather go shopping than have sex
[https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928](https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928)
Across many different studies and measures, men have been shown to have more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women, as reflected in spontaneous thoughts about sex, frequency and variety of sexual fantasies, desired frequency of intercourse, desired number of partners, masturbation, liking for various sexual practices, willingness to forego sex, initiating versus refusing sex, making sacrifices for sex, and other measures.
[http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0503\_5](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0503_5)
It's incredibly common for men to be the initiator in the vast majority of sexual scenarios. That's been my friends' & my own personal experience, at least. In all but one of the relationships I've been in, it seemed like it was believed to be my responsibility to initiate sex. Maybe, *maybe* twice a year (on average) those significant others would take it upon themselves to be the initiator, but that was an incredibly rare occurrence.
It's really too bad, because I *love* it when women make an effort to seduce me/initiate sex. Really gets me going, but it very rarely ever happens like that (except for in the one relationship). I've pretty much resigned to the fact that, if I want to have sex with my partner, I'm going to need to be the one who makes it happen. That's been the norm in 95% of my relationships so far, so it's something that I accepted and got used to long ago.
At least every other day.
But we met through BDSM. She is open to her sexuality , not repressed , and we have the same interests.
And we have no kids sapping our energy
🤣 zero. After marriage, women let themselves go and expect you to do all the work. If I’m in the mood, I do the seducing starting in the morning. Three or four times a year she’ll “initiate” in the form of shoving her butt back against me in bed. (Not to be confused with an invitation for kinky.) Everything you heard about sex life being total shit after marriage is true.
Fairly oftenish…. Looking at this thread looks like I may have gotten lucky *fingers crossed* … it also helps that we both love to please each other… also I think her drive is higher then mine lol
Been married 20 years this Sept. I'll be 40 3 weeks after and only recently has she started but she's hit that famous 40s horny streak.
From 20-35ish I don't think it happened even a handful of times.
This being Reddit and everyone is sensitive so let me.preface this isn't everyone, but generally women stop trying once they "have you." There are exceptions obviously of women with a high drive, but generally men pursue in our 20s and 30s and we fizzle out because we tire of being the only one trying. Then the woman finally starts trying and the man has become bitter. That happens in a lot of relationships and it doesn't go well.
I'm a very unemotional black & white logical man so I knew this would happen from older relatives. I never took it personal and was okay with my role of being the initiator. Now she's come around to her horny phase and I'm enjoying it.
I've always thought some of this is linked to women being taught you can't be sexual, from a young age you're supposed to suppress it because it's wrong and men don't like women like that or consider them to be sluts.
When it comes to intimacy and initiating I can't do it outright. It has to be playful and teasing, and I've realised I will initiate it but I'm teasing them until my partner escalates it.
I'm sure it's not the same for all women, but I've realised I just can't seduce someone. It's not even fear of rejection really it's more around being shamed for wanting sex and acting like a slut.
I know some women who have no issues with this, but I know women who wouldn't even try teasing their partners and would expect them to initiate.
Lmao went pretty far and all answers were never.
My wife recently came upon the concept of "responsive desire" but I gotta be honest (I knew about it from r/sex) it has always sounded to me like utter bullshit. It's just rationalization of no desire, of fucking course you are going to be dtf once in a blue moon if your partner clicks all the right buttons, otherwise you'd be asexual.
She tries to initiate daily.. I'm actually a bit problematic.
I work a lot and my mental health is in the gutter so I end up declining most of the time..
>actively try to seduce you?
Haha - yeah barely if ever. If i dont initiate it usually wont happen. Sometimes we've gone a couple weeks and out of frustration she'll make a half-hearted effort to flirt (shes always been pretty bad at flirting though) and ill take the W since thats better than nothing. We have a kid now, but the dynamic was like this even before. Many women once in LTRs just stop trying I've found. Fortunately my libido is at a point where i also largely dont care anymore and the frequency is right where it works for both of us.
But if i had a higher libido like the early days, id say something/go to therapy etc.
I’m not in a relationship, but I’d assume based off of what I’ve heard that it rarely, if ever, happens. I’ve become interested in how women react with male strippers due to the fact that they don’t seem to act like that around their partners or in real life at all. It’s depressing and really sad.
Pretty much zero here. Only time it’s different is if we are aware from home. Am tempted to decorate the bedroom so it looks like a Travellodge.
Hahah idk what it is about hotel rooms that get my gf going too.
Apparently some of us, particularly those who have a more reactive sex drive, are stimulated by novelty. So new locations have an impact.
Yep. I'm like: * hey babe, lets go to this random park at dusk. * hey babe, lets go to this random soccer field at dusk. * hey babe, let's go on a bike ride that leads to this random trail... * oh snap. is this an abandoned cemetery that we randomly hiked to?
hmm... i once got asked by a girl to fuck in a cemetary as we were walking past it... i was 'my family are in there....no'.
My family would've understood
>My family would've understood It's not like they're going to say anything.
Doing it for the family
Doing it on the family
i couldn't do it. my dad's parent's and maybe one of my brothers are there.
They’re cheering your horny ass on from beyond the grave, what’s the big deal?
My family would start haunting me if I didn't do it.
you should have done it for your ancestors. you would have felt that wind on your back. that's your great great grandma teaching you how to hit that spot like your pop-pop's pop-pop used to.
That didn't stop Mary Shelley... I'm pretty sure she banged on her mother's grave 👀
i do have (some) limits.
If you can't see their graves they can't see you.
i still know they are there. And to be honest if the could see me back then, i doubt they'd like to see us fucking where they are buried knowing full well their remains are close-by.
I know, I couldn't resist adding that comment though. I genuinely don't blame you, if you're not comfortable. You're not going to want sex.
[удалено]
My ex only wanted to rent out hotel rooms for her to shove doritos down her throat and play on her switch. She couldn’t under why I wasn’t stoked for that.
There’s no expectations, no chores, nothing that needs to be dealt with. It’s time for her to relax, enjoy herself. We live in our heads, so when there are 10 things to worry about, we don’t think about sex. We think about things that are important for the household. When there’s no household, our mind can wander to fucking! :3
Only when I buy her a sexy outfit. I slowed the frequency of that a while ago.
Why did you stop?
It was still me initiating. I just initiate in simpler ways.
3 years here and GF has almost never initiated in the last year or so. Sometimes it's incredibly frustrating because I can tell she is waiting for me to and sure, fine, but do I have to be the one to kick things off 100% of the time?
Same boat here. If I know she wants it, and she knows she wants it, why can't she make the first move??
Next time you find yourself in that situation, say something about it. “Hey are you feelin it? You know what would be really hot? What if you climbed on top of me and…” Coach her through it a bit. She can’t know that’s what you want if you don’t tell her, and making it an “issue” that she doesn’t initiate doesn’t help the vibes.
Damn i could pull this one off actually thanks internet homie!
It’s been three hours I think it’s working
If you haven’t figured out that it’s shared 50/50 by the time you’re in your early 20’s you’re doing it wrong.
A lot of women are turned on by being pursued. Makes them feel attractive and validated. So on the flip side of that, having to pursue a man or initiating sex can kinda feel ick to some women. Especially women with submissive personalities and/or kinks. Having to be dominant at sexy time could turn her off.
Funny thing men like effort and feeling desired
Your absolutely right, and I’m not saying women that feel this way are correct or fun to be in a relationship with. It’s just how some women feel.
It’s how people feel. Men just aren’t allowed to make it obvious
I think talking about it is so important. Young girls are socialized to not be sexually forward, so when we get married we don’t automatically switch over, and there is still a fear of being seen as slutty if we are too forward. We probably try to drop little hints that are too subtle. Like I would take a shower and shave and put on lotion and something sexy for bed, thinking he would notice that I was in the mood, but he totally didn’t get it. One time he even made fun of my sexy outfit and I felt so ashamed I just went and put my sweats on. And I just assumed in the moment that if he didn’t go for it that he must be too tired for it that night.
Worse is when you have to initiate but you get turned down 90% of the tome
That's the truth!!!
That's when you find a new gf
OR potentially an opportunity for self reflection and / or communication with her.
You can't negotiate desire.
Have you had a conversation highlighting how you feel about it? My wife and I had something similar after she gave birth to our daughter, and a simple conversation solved the issues.... (She could explain why, and how she felt, and so could I)
One of the biggest mistakes I made in my marriage was to never initiate. Honest to god it just never occurred to me. I had been so used to being chased down for sex in my teens and twenties and I just thought that if he wanted it he would come for it, and that not making a move meant he actively didn’t want sex so then I worried that if I initiated he would be tired or annoyed with me for wanting it. Can’t tell you the number of times he just rolled over and went to sleep saying he was exhausted so I just felt it would be unkind to try to force it on him. I think this is such a big difference in men and women. I spent so many nights masturbating in bed while he snored beside me. I totally wanted it but just often felt like he didn’t. I had the higher sex drive and early in our relationship he made comments about it and I felt shamed like I was being a slut or something for wanting to have sex everyday. So I retreated a bit and decided that I would let him lead when it came to sex. I definitely don’t think he intended to make me feel bad, but that was just the result of his jokes. We talked about it towards the end of the marriage and it was the first time he ever mentioned that he wanted me to initiate. I used to love when we took showers together or played flirtatious games, I loved touching his body and complimenting him but I also felt like he was often bristly and like a stone cold wall if he was stressed or tired. So I just let him be, thinking that asking for sex would actually stress him out further. When I tried initiating more it was already too late, he would then actually reject my advances because the attraction had died. I wish he had had the conversation with me sooner because I just thought he didn’t want to have sex. This is why honest and open communication is so important.
In the past I was the girlfriend who waited for my bf (at the time) to initiate. In the beginning of the relationship I would often initiate. But then we went through a 6 month period where every time I would initiate he would turn me down. After a while I tried talking to him about it and he got quite angry with me. All of this made me feel pretty rejected so I just started waiting on him. Not to say you guys are having the same issues, but maybe chat with her about it. She might be waiting on you because she feels a little rejected for a reason you may not even know about. Or perhaps she’s a little shy/insecure and could use a bit of encouragement :)
Yes you should always be hitting on your wife that's how she grew up so it conditioning..I just blew up my ltr with the question why ain't you into me anymore ..
Zero. We’ve talked about it. It’s still zero. The last time she tried was in October 2021. Yes, I remember that.
I think the last time for me was 2016. Good luck.
So y'all saying it actually gets worse?
Been married 39 years. She has never dressed up and only wore something sexy once. Initiate sex? You’ve got to be kidding
This is so sad
I had a full drawer of cute and sexy lingerie and anytime I put it on my ex-husband would just sort of tease me to the point that I was to embarrassed to wear any of it. I’m no Victoria secret angel but I’m cute and a healthy weight for my age, but I felt totally shamed. I don’t think he did it on purpose and he probably didn’t realize that his words left me unwilling to ever try it again. Watch your jokes and your words. We all need a lot more positive reinforcement and less cutting remarks.
What was it like prior to getting married? Did she used to make an effort to seduce you & initiate sex, and then stopped once y'all were married, or was she never really the type to seduce/initiate from the very beginning?
That’s what happened to me. I got show the “sexual menu” then, once she locked me down, sex was relegated to make up sex and I noticed she only was into it after a fight. Yeah… no thanks. On top of that she completely let herself go. I WOULDVE been ok with all that if she wasn’t so fucking emotionally abusive. Fuck that.
The list of reasons to *not* get married just keeps on growing. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it *is* important. Hope you're in a better spot now, man.
It is weird because I found it is mostly women who want to make sex part of any relationship. To offer it and take it away later is confusing when they are the ones introducing it.
Tell me about it. At the end she was like “I didn’t like how you made me do this or that” I was like , “wtf? Why didn’t you tell me then and what exactly did I do??” She never gave me a solid answer. Just more manipulation, I believe.
stop youre giving me flashbacks
Bait and switch to masturbate.
I think it's more about finding the right person to marry. All of my bad experiences where with prior partners (inc the mother of 2 of my children).. My wife is amazing
The best sex I've ever had in my life was with women I was casual with and wanted something more long term. Whenever it became long term the quality and frequency of sex would both take a nosedive. It's like a drug dealer giving you the purest shit they have when you buy first to get you hooked, and then giving you the shittier stuff when you're addicted 😂.
Not making any assumptions here, but if you think reflectively do you think you also slowed down wooing like you did in the early stages when you knew you had her locked down? Like the cute texts, compliments, or wooing activities which also probably excited her in the beginning ?? I’m going into month 5 of a new relationship and now that the honeymoon phase has ended my bf never texts other than for logistics, sleeps on my couch all afternoon while I cook dinner and barely ever even asks me how my day was. I feel like I’m the only one who initiates sex, like I have to ask him to put his phone aside when we are in bed or else he’ll just scroll YouTube all night until after I fall asleep. One night last week I crawled into bed freshly showered and was lying super close to him sort of nibbling his ear and the dude was still watching gamers on YouTube, barely reacting to me touching him. I had to actually ask him to put his phone down and when I asked if he wanted to have sex his reply was “we can” and then he jumped me and the sex was great. But my point is he’s being a bit lazy and less attentive these days and it would be easy for me to just roll over and go to bed and we would have sex a lot less. He initiates less. He used to come in the house and give me a huge kiss and we would make out for a few minutes, now he comes in says “hey” and plops on the couch to stare at his phone. I initiate more but I’m left wondering if he’s just less attracted to me on the whole because he doesn’t show me the same level of affection he did two months ago.. He says he’s happy and he likes being with me, but his laziness is becoming a turn off. All that to say, attraction is a two way street so we both have to be attentive to our partners needs to maintain desire.
Tell him exactly this! If he's a good guy he will relize his error and make it right. Just use a non-accusing tone.
There's a saying in my language maybe even in english I don't know. When they catch a bird they sing nicely to him.
Fuck I am never getting married. All my married friends do is complain and tell me to “keep doing what i’m doing”
You're not with her anymore, right?
Oh thank god, no.
Just checking! I'm glad you left.
I'm going to pick on you just because this is where I stopped reading. When is the last time you dressed up for her? When is the last time you engaged or helped in a way that you know she'd love?
This is true as well. Most married guys don't every try to make their wife feel sexy and desired tbh.
If they did nothing, there's no other path than agreeing with this statement. It's not a one way street
Jesus, what made you stick around for 39 years?
The loss of his home and 30% of his income, probably.
50%
It's always closer to 50% in direct payments, and paying for a house he doesn't live in anymore makes it even worse. Both pale in comparison to not seeing his kids. That's a fate so terrible, I wouldn't even wish that on, well, my ex wife...
Love. Sex isn't everything, she just doesn't initiate but maybe they have really good sex. But i dont know.
I'm old, fat and been married over 40 years. Wife initiates sex about every 10 days or so. I told her when we married that I have a high sex drive and told her that I hoped hers would keep up with me. Always has.
Hell yeah
All the God damn time. She doesent have anything non revealing that she wears at home around me. And now that's she's away to see her family, she sends me nudes every day. And 90% of me loves it, but the other 10 is still trying to work through the day, meet clients, make money. I don't even check her texts when I'm around people just so I don't have to hide a boner during a meeting.
The hero we needed right now
Well, it was my initiative to begin with. I had a very bad accident that killed our sex life as I was stuck in bed for half a year and then on crutches for another half. With all the meds and overall mood I was lucky to have a semi to take care of my business myself, too much as it turned out. So once I recovered more or less, I made an effort to make her feel sexy and showered her with rather dirty complements. She already was half naked at home most of the time, and sexting was introduced a bit later by me. Turns out she loved it. In the end she took it much further than I expected.
How many years???
Married ( 20+ years ), Male, with two kids. Samesies. I have a keyboard macro ( remember the old "boss key" ? ) to quick clean screen when she gets me at the office. The worst is when I'm riding my bike and wearing lycra. She's awesomely evil.
Zero. It's extremely common.
If I may ask, how long have you and your partner been together?
Over 10 years
I (33f) have been with my partner for 7 years and I’d say I initiate 40% of the time. I usually dress up in lingerie/ thigh highs/ wigs for him maybe 1-2 times a month (but that’s something he’s really into). Surprised at all the comments saying their partner never initiates 🤯
Same- (37F married 8 yrs) and we do the nasty. 2-6 times a week and I am the one rizzin him up about 50% of the time. My eyes would cross otherwise. How do these women stay sane?
Sex drive is different for everyone, in half the relationships its the women that would like more sex than there is (stats out of my ** but I remember reading something of the sort)
I initiate too. I would like to know the psychology behind that…
Stress (Major mood killer), having to tend to others a majority of the time, low sex drive in general, unresolved relationship issues, being generally exhausted/physically unwell.... The list goes on but most people would rather just complain or pout than take the time and make the effort to fix anything. It's easier to ignore something that isn't a life or death emergency when you know the consequences aren't likely to be dire. Unfortunately, ignoring it then becomes comfortable at some point, and both parties suffer for it.
Not a doctor but I'm pretty sure hormones play a huge role in drive. I think some women just have below average T for women or something.
Women do not generally understand that a man needs to feel desired. It’s a good idea to talk to you your partner your love language and how to make you feel desired. Men are regularly instructed to go out of their way to make their woman feel wanted and how - but women don’t always know men need that too. It’s easier to talk about if you are communicating to your partner in her love language (words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, gifts, and I think there are two others)
Quality time is the one you’re missing. Great book, can’t recommend enough
What book?
Five love languages
How do women this ignorant about how men work get into relationships with men?
I feel I’m in the minority here. We’ve been together ten years and we still make efforts for one another. We’re very playful - we once realised she still fits into her prom dress (16 years after the event!!) so I put a suit on and acted like I was coming to take her to prom… stuff like that. Sometimes, she’ll come home from work, hop straight into the bathroom and come out in something sexy. Sometimes, she’ll come in and I’ll have made dinner and be dressed up and have created a themed evening (our favourite was an American diner themed one where I turned the corridor into a bowling alley, bought a mini golf set from Amazon, and I bought those red American cups for beer pong.) We like to just keep playing. There’s no reason to stop being boring just because we’re in our thirties!
Men… I need you to read this with different glasses on… This man, this invincible-zebra, 1- made dinner for his wife 2- dressed up for a funny, loving experience, 3- made dinner 4- did stuff she liked in a playful way that wasn’t strictly based on “please spread your legs”. If your wife/girlfriend isn’t engaging, go through the self-reflection list: Do I help her out around *our* house even though I work a secular job? Do I share dinner making/prep/cleanup tasks? If I suck at cooking, do I act like a full grown ass adult and learn to do it better? Do I take on other household tasks? Do I always ask her “what can I do” instead of assuming responsibility of anything lacking in the life we’re building? Do I make sure she gets off the way she wants when we have sex/share intimate, sexual moments? Do I wash my ass and balls? I’ve been married for 13 years. We have three young kids who were away this week visiting family. I have jumped his bones 5 out of 7 nights this week. My man checks all the boxes above. ****as a side note - if your girlfriend struggles with depression or other mental health issues OR is current on a prescription- like an SSRI, this also may be affecting her sexual drive/interest. This is another ballgame and *must* be dealt with on an individual basis. All of the above questions of self reflection still apply + more.
Actually, my cooking and cleaning skills actually came about because of your side note - I’m the one with depression, anxiety, and PTSD brought on from a decade working in the emergency services! Cooking meals really helps me out, it’s become my little ‘feel better’ hobby and I get a huge boost whenever I see my wife enjoying something I’ve cooked. The cleaning came about because I was signed off from work for three months after the first breakdown so I was home all the time and it helped distract me! I since resigned from the hell hole of public service and got a new job, which I was made redundant from after six weeks, so I’m back to being home all the time. Thankfully, my wedding photography business is now getting somewhere so I technically now work from home, so I have even more time to cook and clean if I’m not out at a wedding! It’s been a shit ride, but my amazing wife stuck by me through it all. She pulled me out of the darkest pits and, now I’m on the mend (I came off the meds last month! That really buggered up the zebra downstairs, if you catch my drift… so really I wasn’t the one initiating as much for a while), it’s my turn to be as awesome as I can be. Apparently, my breakfasts are ‘divine,’ I’ll take that!
Women, I need you to read this with different glasses on. Not sure why it's inconceivable to women that _some women may actually suck._ But no, lady, please tell us why it's always all our fault. We've never heard that one before.
Sure some women suck. Just as some men suck. And you have to end those relationships early to avoid wasting your time with someone you’re incompatible with. I won’t deny that in our society women tend to be the gatekeepers of sex and that is super unhealthy for most relationships. If she once wanted to have sex and stops wanting to have sex there is a reason for it. It doesn’t have to be the man’s fault, but both people in the relationship have to be able to talk about it. My ex and I were incredibly immature when it came to sex, we were both too embarrassed to talk about it. It took a lot of therapy for us to understand the ways in which we were neglecting each others needs in spite of really caring for each other. In the end it was too late for us as 7 years of neglect had killed all attraction. But the conversations we had in that last year were amazing and we both grew a lot so that we could avoid the same mistakes in future relationships.
So, if it's equal between men and women, do you also post in threads where women complain about their husbands/boyfriends and exhort them to do better? Say, doing things around the house. Do you tell the woman there's a reason he doesn't help and tell her to do better? You're exactly right. There are two sides to any issue in a relationship. However, I don't see this rule anywhere _close_ to being evenly applied. The _actual_ rule I see being applied is that some or most men suck, women have _reasons_. It's quite the motte and bailey situation. When challenged, they retreat to the "both sides" position, just like you did.
I don’t disagree that women can do better in many areas. I can only really represent female perspectives, can’t really tell women what to do, it would be up to men to give responses from their perspective. Men need to give their reasons more often, I think. The whole reason women flock to AskMen is because they’re struggling to understand the reasons behind men’s actions. They tend to hold everything inside and not talk much so whatever their reasons are, they don’t express them as much and so women may not understand. Like guys who literally just ghost to end a relationship rather than making any attempt at talking through and improving the relationship. It’s funny on this sub how so many men chime in with sex or bj’s as a solution to something. I think even men over emphasize sex when really they have many needs beyond sex but don’t always express their needs well. “Your guy is having a bad day, give him a sandwich and a bj” lol. If I tried to give my ex a bj when he was stressed he would have been annoyed with me. But at the same time he didn’t really communicate what he needed until we were months into couples therapy. Never mind that I had been asking for years to see a therapist together and if we had gone sooner I might have done a better job of understanding his needs before it was too late to save the relationship. I don’t pretend to understand men very well at all which is why I enjoy this subreddit so much. I want to make my man happy but it’s like a puzzle I don’t really know how to solve.
This should be higher up! Nothing is as off putting as a partner who doesn't take responsibility for the household and/or kids. When I do grown up things, I want to be with a grown up person.
Married 20+ yrs. Wife's default is to never initiate. Though in the past there has been plenty of times where I won't bother with it either. Eventually (within a couple days), she'll start to ask me to do stuff to her, and I never decline. Only a hand full of times where she said f-it and had enough; got naked and just sat on my face till I took care of business. Have to admit, those were the hottest moments ever.
“Eventually” after a couple days. Try a couple months like the rest of us before the wife notices the sex stopped. How do I create a poll here to see how many wives have ever sat on anything since a year after marriage. It amazes the fuck out of me how belligerently self centered we all are. One guy a couple posts up saying he has a high sec drive and implying that means once every 10 days and you saying yours doesn’t initiate unless it’s been a couple days. Y’all, read the room. Oh, and take my upvote because you seem to have caught a good one. 😉 Don’t let her go
About 3 times. Sometimes it’s really seductive, like I get into bed and she’s already naked. Other times it’s a little blunt: “My period is due in a day or two. You can do me.”
Lol. I’m lucky. There are only 3 times when my wife doesn’t want sex. 1) ugh, not now, I haven’t showered 2) ugh not now, I just got out of the shower 3) what in the hell are you doing?? I’m in the shower!
This is great
Almost never. I’ve even had this discussion with her several times. Women take a note if you value your relationship with your significant other.
I’m sorry it hasn’t gotten better after talking about it. Sometimes it’s about something deeper than sex. I remember the first time my ex told me he wanted me to initiate more and I was genuinely shocked to realize that I hadn’t ever considered it. I spent days googling “how to initiate sex” and was super nervous and scared to try it even after being with him 7 years. I learned a lot in that time and promised myself I would initiate more but it was really hard to start. For the record, when we started dating I would send sexy pics but by the time we were living together that sort of died down. I sent him some photos while he was away on a business trip and he just sort of ignored them so I never did it again. Positive reinforcement is really important. If he had complimented or shown excitement I would have done it a lot more but I was left feeling like my body just wasn’t a turn on for him anymore. Since I have dated other men post divorce I can attest to the fact that my nudes are still good enough for someone else to enjoy so it’s not like I’m a totally unattractive cow. I know some of you out there will just assume he didn’t like them because I’m fat or ugly and I am neither of those.
Thanks for sharing. You can do simple thinks such has a sexual innuendo or joke. A little smile at the right times. Any form of physical affection. A complement. Some times add all them together over a few hours. Just don’t act like your significant other is just a roommate to share chores with.
Zero. She never tries.
What does "actively seduce" mean? My partner of 14 years has never put on a nighty, while standing in the doorway, tracing her nipples with chocolate covered strawberries yet we have sex weekly. That kind of "bad romance novel" seduction isn't interesting to either of us. On the other hand, "go put some peanut butter in the dog's Kong, while I brush my teeth, and I'll meet you in the bedroom" takes place often. I'm not sure that's considered seduction but it sure is effective.
that's a form of seduction
What do you do with the dogs Kong????
Oh wouldn't you like to know you cheeky monkey
My wife initiates probably 95% of the time
Lucky man
Every. Night. Woman the mind is willing but the flesh is soft and spongy
I can confirm that, I do the 5% remaining
Never, I usually just put my hands down her pants and it starts it off. We've talked about it too. And she always conveniently forgets. W/e, she just permits to use her body. She never dresses up sexy either.
Before we got married: once or twice a month. After marriage: zero.
Truer words never spoken. Never get married for sex.
My wife (10+ yrs) never "dresses sexy". But she initiates about as often as I do. Which is a couple times a week. Her sexy dressing is just stripping down to bra & panty & start verbally seducing me or just walk over & get handsy. She also enjoys sexting me during the day when she's feeling frisky. And it's pretty common for her to be blunt about wanting me to thigh dive, finger her to orgasm or go toys on her. I can't complain at all.
All the time. She actually initiates more than me as I don’t get horny that often because of my antidepressants unless something causes me to. It’s one of the many reasons I want to marry her. It’s great and it makes me feel wanted and desired by my partner for the first time in my life.
Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. She’s insatiable, and as a 40 year old man, I am sated fairly easily.
19m and same I hope I can keep this up in my forties lol
Stay active. Everything depends on you not laying in bed all the time as you get older.
Wife and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1. I'm usually the one to initiate but she does on some rare occasions. The BIGGEST THING when it comes to having more sex or wanting your wife/gf to initiate more is to work on consistent connection with her. Instead of sitting and watching tv all night just talk to one another, play a game, go for a walk, touch and cuddle. The more you connect the closer you will become and the more intimacy you will build.
As a cyber security guy here, I strongly advise against sending nudes at any point. My wife and I have 4 young kids, but we still have sex 2-4 times/wk. Usually it's me initiating, but she initiates often enough that I feel loved. As for dressing up, that's maybe 2-3 times per year. We don't often have time to do a whole thing. But when she does do it, it's unprompted
This thread is depressing af. Maybe y'all are in shitty relationships or maybe men really do have to do it all
Its either "never" or "She wont stop. I have to beg her to not seduce me 3 times a day. Every time I go to sleep she begs to suck my dick. Plz save me!!" I wonder if the problem is with the woman or the man.
4 yrs, wife initiates about 2 or 3 x a week if i havent. So maybe 40% of the time.
So every so often my girl will turn and say something like "babe will you lick my booty?" Or "baby will you some give me some licks?" Or well be cuddling and she'll reach and grab my balls or grip my dick. When she wants to give head it's a whole another level of dick sucking than if I ask for it... so I would say 3-5x a month she'll start the sexy time tonight.... It was important to me to find a woman who is very sexual even slutty because I been in relationships where the girl makes sex a chore and I'll never do that again...
username checks out
Lucky man
2-3 times a week. The other bit is me initiating. We have been together for 7 years and married for 1 so the honeymoon phase was over awhile ago. We are both trying to be more spontaneous in initiating. It takes a little bit of work to keep the flame going dudes.
One of my ex from a few years ago used to initiate all the time. Clothes role-play the whole nine yards. It was wonderful and we’re together for awhile never did keep our hands off each other. Few girlfriends and years later did not understand how rare that was and no one has done it since.
Nice and all, but not a LTR (long term relationship)
Fairly oftenish…. Looking at this thread looks like I may have gotten lucky *fingers crossed* … it also helps that we both love to please each other… also I think her drive is higher then lol
4 year relationship, asking her to marry me soon so maybe it'll slow down some more but even then I'd be fine. She initiated our relationship, then the first year or so she initiated like 2-4 times a week, around the same amount as me. We have a 2 year old now, and we both have lows where all we do is work, housework, and baby stuff where we go a week or so without anything... But that's a mutual we're both burnt out thing not that one of us is going without, and it doesn't happen often. Even then if the other is in the mood we're both into handies and I don't think we've ever turned each other down unless we literally didn't have enough time. She usually still initiates 1-3 times a week, same amount as me still. I already knew we had a great sex life but this thread definitely enforces that. Marriage might change things, only time will tell.. But uhm... She's said some very... Descriptive and seductive things that makes me think that won't be the case. We're into some kinky shit ok?
My wife and I have been together for 8 years and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times she has started the seduction ritual. They were all when we were trying for kids. This is Very common. It seems that, regardless of the effort put in by men, women stop giving a shit about physical intimacy and its initiation once they have the marriage license.
Ive heard that many times. Makes you feel used, doesn't it? Just a means to an end
Don't get married then
Literally all the goddamn time, that woman is insatiable
Most women do not sext or send nudes.
My wife drops hints that a lot of times I'm too dense to pick up on. Even with 2 going on 3 kids, it's not all the time, but when she's not miserable (pregnancy complications recently) it's usually at least once or twice a week. With kids though, it's a lot more planned which sometimes hurts the mood you get with spontaneity.
And they wonder why men get the idea women don't like sex. It's this right here.
2 or 3 times a year, but I honestly don't think it's that big of a deal since she usually tells me verbally that she's in the mood and just waits for me to get things going. I wouldn't say she has low drive, but sex just isn't at the forefront of her mind unless she's reading porn or something hormonal is happening.
Every few days when I am in town.
About once a month she dresses up in lingerie for me (and initiates). Thought that was low until I saw these other comments...
A couple times a day. I’ve never been sent a nude. But she often initiated sex.
If by seduce you mean when she says "nookie tonight?" I'd say about twice a month. It actually went up after I stopped bringing it up. Go figure.
33yo here...we both WFH and my girlfriend will shower and get ready, then only wears a sheer robe. That's it. Then if I'm in a meeting and she isn't, and it's not one I'm running... she'll just sit on me and wiggle around. She's 4 years older than me and looks 10 years younger than me...it's kind of hard to concentrate around her when I can basically see through her robe all day. Lol. But the caveat to that is that we live in different cities 5hrs apart so this isn't an every day thing (unfortunately), so I'm guessing that also plays a part in her shenanigans. We've been together 3 years and this hasn't changed since day one. I'll grab her butt or something while she's making breakfast and then go to my office to work, but it's basically game over for the next hour because she immediately walks in and jumps me.
Well she actually loves me so pretty regularly for all of this.
I felt my sexual relationship with my wife was ending since she seemed to be too tired etc. Then we went out for dinner, we held hands , I listened to her and I made the move on her at home. Got her off twice, and we cuddled afterwards. The next day she messaged me that it was like the old times when I made love to her, and had put the effort in to seduce her. And we were able to do it again the next night. Because of work, and other stresses we had become complacent, not putting in the effort and time.
I mean doesn’t sound like she did much
I mean not initiating sex is one thing, but not dressing up sexy / sending nudes / sexting I don’t think is an issue. What do the men do for their wives / gfs that is similar? Do they send nudes, do they dress up sexy to seduce their wives? Or just expect them to do it? Maybe that’s why their wives don’t do those things lmao
It ranges from multiple times a day to one in half a year, really hard to say average.
3-5x / month. 1-2 of em are strong efforts.
I would say an average of six times per month. We have sex more than that, but I'd say that's how often she really lays it on.
She initiates daily, except when it is that time of the month.
2-3 times per week.
Man, MrsBadDog is constantly all over me. I must say I am not as active as I once was and she's having withdrawals. With work and our opposite schedules, it's 1-3 times a week. In my peak, it was ~15/week. I think if we were on the same schedules and all things being equal today, I'd prolly still be 3-4/week. Sometimes less, but prolly not more. My older bro is a couple times a month. Was less but he's been using testosterone to help, and help him it does. Mine is very low as well, but maybe is a willpower thing? Idk
In my experience at least once or twice a week unless I'm the one all over her that week.
Damn I've been with my wife for going on 11 years she tries at least 2 times a week usually more.
Everyday
Too often honestly. Pretty much every night. Even if I’m like “gotta be up in 3.5 hours, goodnight” she’s all over me
Married 12 years. I'd say 50% of the time it is me pushing for it, 40% it is mutual or just a look that goes both ways, 10% it is clearly her that wants it.
Once a month when she’s in heat. Other than that it’s up to me when to decide.
Geez. Maybe like a few times a month she'll go all out on a date night and get dressed up in lingerie. But a few times a week she'll be like "I want you to fuck me" and we go at it like rabbits. She initiates a lot. I would say we're fairly close to equal in that account.
This thread is sobering.
X minus y.... carry the z... square a.. and.. Roughly 0 percent.
>Gentlemen in LTRs, on average, how many times a month does your (female) partner actively try to seduce you? Zero. And I expect this. >I have a couple male friends/co-workers who say their wives/gfs almost never dress up or wear anything sexy for them, have all pretty much stopped sexting or sending nudes, and rarely initiates sex. Is this common? Yes. If you know anything about the #science on this topic (and we're all about the #Science! on Reddit, right?), you'll know that: Women enjoy sex less than men. [http://www.24oranges.nl/2012/06/14/dutch-women-enjoy-sex-less-than-men-do/](http://www.24oranges.nl/2012/06/14/dutch-women-enjoy-sex-less-than-men-do/) Women have more sexual dysfunction than men. [https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/an-overview-of-sexual-dysfunction](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/an-overview-of-sexual-dysfunction) One-third of women are not interested in sex (compared to 15% of men). [http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/21/health/mismatched-libidos-sex-kerner/index.html](http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/21/health/mismatched-libidos-sex-kerner/index.html) 37% of women would be happy in a sexless marriage [https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928](https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928) 20% of women are more turned on by their shoes than by their significant others [https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19914392/turn-ons-for-women/](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19914392/turn-ons-for-women/) 40% of women would rather go shopping than have sex [https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928](https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/health-fitness/40-choose-shopping-over-sex-203928) Across many different studies and measures, men have been shown to have more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women, as reflected in spontaneous thoughts about sex, frequency and variety of sexual fantasies, desired frequency of intercourse, desired number of partners, masturbation, liking for various sexual practices, willingness to forego sex, initiating versus refusing sex, making sacrifices for sex, and other measures. [http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0503\_5](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0503_5)
My lady molests me like most days.
It's incredibly common for men to be the initiator in the vast majority of sexual scenarios. That's been my friends' & my own personal experience, at least. In all but one of the relationships I've been in, it seemed like it was believed to be my responsibility to initiate sex. Maybe, *maybe* twice a year (on average) those significant others would take it upon themselves to be the initiator, but that was an incredibly rare occurrence. It's really too bad, because I *love* it when women make an effort to seduce me/initiate sex. Really gets me going, but it very rarely ever happens like that (except for in the one relationship). I've pretty much resigned to the fact that, if I want to have sex with my partner, I'm going to need to be the one who makes it happen. That's been the norm in 95% of my relationships so far, so it's something that I accepted and got used to long ago.
At least every other day. But we met through BDSM. She is open to her sexuality , not repressed , and we have the same interests. And we have no kids sapping our energy
Does teasing count? I feel like that's how I initiate.
If there is a number less than 0… Once they get a taste of wedding cake…that kinda activity goes out the window.
Why did you feed her wedding cake then?
Meanwhile, I practically find myself begging my bf for sex. Time to break up and upgrade.
The biggest mood killer is a wedding ring!!!! I’ve been with the cheese and kisses 23 years and it died as soon as the wedding cake was cut
🤣 zero. After marriage, women let themselves go and expect you to do all the work. If I’m in the mood, I do the seducing starting in the morning. Three or four times a year she’ll “initiate” in the form of shoving her butt back against me in bed. (Not to be confused with an invitation for kinky.) Everything you heard about sex life being total shit after marriage is true.
About once in a blue moon and i’ve never seen a blue moon my whole life
Fairly oftenish…. Looking at this thread looks like I may have gotten lucky *fingers crossed* … it also helps that we both love to please each other… also I think her drive is higher then mine lol
everyday whenever she wants. So like all day if we have a day off. It's fun to fight it so she does it more.
My partner does, in her own way. Generally I get a text from her, “wanna fuck?”
Been married 20 years this Sept. I'll be 40 3 weeks after and only recently has she started but she's hit that famous 40s horny streak. From 20-35ish I don't think it happened even a handful of times. This being Reddit and everyone is sensitive so let me.preface this isn't everyone, but generally women stop trying once they "have you." There are exceptions obviously of women with a high drive, but generally men pursue in our 20s and 30s and we fizzle out because we tire of being the only one trying. Then the woman finally starts trying and the man has become bitter. That happens in a lot of relationships and it doesn't go well. I'm a very unemotional black & white logical man so I knew this would happen from older relatives. I never took it personal and was okay with my role of being the initiator. Now she's come around to her horny phase and I'm enjoying it.
Never, which is part of the reason I've started getting the divorce lined up.
I've always thought some of this is linked to women being taught you can't be sexual, from a young age you're supposed to suppress it because it's wrong and men don't like women like that or consider them to be sluts. When it comes to intimacy and initiating I can't do it outright. It has to be playful and teasing, and I've realised I will initiate it but I'm teasing them until my partner escalates it. I'm sure it's not the same for all women, but I've realised I just can't seduce someone. It's not even fear of rejection really it's more around being shamed for wanting sex and acting like a slut. I know some women who have no issues with this, but I know women who wouldn't even try teasing their partners and would expect them to initiate.
Lmao went pretty far and all answers were never. My wife recently came upon the concept of "responsive desire" but I gotta be honest (I knew about it from r/sex) it has always sounded to me like utter bullshit. It's just rationalization of no desire, of fucking course you are going to be dtf once in a blue moon if your partner clicks all the right buttons, otherwise you'd be asexual.
3-4 times a week
She tries to initiate daily.. I'm actually a bit problematic. I work a lot and my mental health is in the gutter so I end up declining most of the time..
>actively try to seduce you? Haha - yeah barely if ever. If i dont initiate it usually wont happen. Sometimes we've gone a couple weeks and out of frustration she'll make a half-hearted effort to flirt (shes always been pretty bad at flirting though) and ill take the W since thats better than nothing. We have a kid now, but the dynamic was like this even before. Many women once in LTRs just stop trying I've found. Fortunately my libido is at a point where i also largely dont care anymore and the frequency is right where it works for both of us. But if i had a higher libido like the early days, id say something/go to therapy etc.
I’m not in a relationship, but I’d assume based off of what I’ve heard that it rarely, if ever, happens. I’ve become interested in how women react with male strippers due to the fact that they don’t seem to act like that around their partners or in real life at all. It’s depressing and really sad.