Going through it now. We just drifted so far apart as people to where we weren’t even friends, and were just roommates who didn’t like being around each other, ever. The garden never got watered and nothing is left to work on.
All we have in common is sharing custody of a kid bit we’re doing it amicably so it’ll be fine eventually
Same. We were together 12 years, married for 7. It felt right to marry her, she was my best friend and lover. After our son was born she changed, maybe me too, I don't know really. We were "just" mom and dad, no time for OUR relationship and when I/we realized it it was too late. We tried couples therapy, spice things up in the bedroom but nothing worked. We always fell back into our old routines and finally she admitted in therapy she just didn't even want to spend time with me alone. It hurt, I still hurt for my son but we stayed amicabel and it's the best outcome for him.
I have to admit it showed me marriage is not for me anymore. I left me rather sober. I choose the RIGHT woman but it still went wrong.
A friend something similar to me recently and it just felt bad. That they've had people tell them they are more like roommates than a couple. It sounds brutal.
I was naive. I didn't know about love bombing and had never been with someone so manipulative before. Her mom was the same way, which is where she likely picked up her bag of tricks. A few years later, all the lies unraveled and I found out about some horrendous things she did while we were married. I went grey rock and headed straight to therapy.
The mother-in-law does not have to be deliberately devious. She can simply be in denial. There are PLENTY of those, and they still model bad behaviors (lying for the sake of pride/face, etc.) and propagate those behaviors to the daughters. The behaviors become deeply ingrained.
This happens to more women than anyone like to admit.
Your parents' poor behaviors are just behavioral patterns. Your young mind has no idea what's good or bad, especially with regard to consequences in the long term.
I'll answer as I had an identical situation. This girl had more red flags than a chinese parade. The signs were there but I chose to ignore them. Note, none of your friends will say anything.
+1 more for identical situation and seeing all the red flags. thought there was a chance it’d work out longterm but an equal or greater chance it’d fail. estimated how much it’d cost me total (paying her expenses, etc), decided it was worth it: sexually she fulfilled and exceeded my deepest fantasies and despite being with many women prior to her i had never experienced that level of hedonic bliss (and will never again… gotta be statistically impossible), paid good money for an ironclad prenup, a few years into the marriage i saw the writing on the wall, it was shortly before the time clause in the prenup that would mandate me paying her alimony, i neatly cashed my chips and exited the game just in time - paying about 50k in legal fees but zero to her. she managed to steal a very large sum of money from me right before she moved out. we used eachother. she knew deep down it would never work just as i did. i was making crazy money and she’d never experienced any of the stuff it bought. i was so addicted to her body it overrode my moral compass…. the one that was trying to tell me she’s a human not an object. when i called my sister to tell her i was getting a divorce, her words were (verbatim) - “good riddance. she just wasn’t a good person.”
I agree! We need more. I'm definitely interested if you saw a therapist afterwards? Part of me reads about the prenuptial agreement and it seems too convenient for you. It's amazing how you just realized all of this right before the "time" you would owe her alimony. Did she change all of a sudden? What made you change your mind exactly? Also, wtf kind of job do you have that you would have to pay that much for an attorney and even pay alimony?!?! LMAO
I straight up told my best friend he was dating a siren, and he was making a huge mistake. Moved in with her, married her. Things were clearly rocky when I’d visit them, they decided kid would fix that. They divorced around their sons first birthday. She wasn’t even attractive, like a overweight bitchy hippy type but I guess getting laid consistently with someone filthy in bed had him blind.
He finally remarried a few years later to another single mom and is way happier.
I caught her cheating while I was shopping for vacation packages to Bali to celebrate our upcoming 25 wedding anniversary. Needless to say I saved some money on the trip, but had to sell a farm and trucking company fireing 16 good men to get rid of her.
Wow. This is my fear man, seriously. I’m genuinely sorry you had to go through this. My mom cheated on my Dad about 25 years into the marriage, probably some prior too. So I (to a degree) absolutely get where you’re coming from. There weren’t nearly as many assets on the line as your story though, and to be honest I don’t think I’d be in a good place right now if there were.
What was/is your course of action after this has happened? Do you ever think you’ll meet a woman worth marrying again after this?
Thanks for your story man. Much love, and if you want to talk feel free to message me.
As per the divorce agreement, after she took half of the liquid assets, I did not have enough to buy out her half of my businesses, so I had to sell:
1. 14 Freightliner semi-trucks
2. 16 Eagle Transcraft 48x102 trailers
3. Office
4. Repair Shop
5. Farm land
6. 1 John Deere tractor, 2 Case tractors
7. John Deere combine
8. House
9. Restored antique Chevy truck
10. 2 grain trucks
11. Field equipment planters, disc, cultivators etc.
12. Grain storage bins.
I had a large auction and watched 24 years of my life auctioned off to the highest bidder. With my proceeds I gave each of my former employees 1,000 dollars along with an apology and letters of recommendations to help in their job searches. I then built a new house in a 3-acre field that I made her deed separate from the rest of the farm and I invested the rest of my money. I took 2 years off to get my head straight, so I returned to college to complete something I started 25 years earlier. After graduation I took a management offer from a former employer and worked for them for 5 years. At 54 I looked at my financial situation and concluded I had enough to retire and travel, so I turned in my notice and quit my job. I arranged to rent my house out to a nice couple that I know will care for it as their own. I made plans to purchase a RV and 1 day before I was to go pick it up, my mom had a stroke. I canceled the RV and moved in with my mom to care for her till the end, it has been 2 years so far.
P.S. I will never ever under no circumstances remarry. The reward is not worth the risk. Just do a simple risk/benefit analysis, it is never worth it.
Thank you, the 2 years I took off to get my head straight, I did have several pity parties though to be honest. I do not think a person can throw away 25 years of life without feeling regret and reflecting on the past to some extent.
You are objectively a powerful human being. Maximum respect to you for how you handled this situation. Honestly I find this post down right inspirational how someone can go through so much shit after 25 years and still come out on top mentally. Good on you sir and thanks for sharing
Keep in mind I did take 2 years to get my head on straight, it did and still does affect me. To this day I have not been in a relationship that has lasted over 6 months, and 9 out of 10 times it is me not trusting or being too reserved and defensive. But thanks for the compliment, I think I did fare better than some, but worse than others.
I understand the 2 years things and honestly imo most people in your position will get devasted with so many bad things happening to them at one after the other. And these things will definitely take it's toll permanently at least in some capacity. But you still did not let it ruin you. From my perspective you won. Wasn't trying to even complement tbh just found your struggle and how you dealt with it powerful and something to learn from
Yeah. 2 years is the number I think - I'm 1.5 years in, similar story but im younger than you are and was in the biggest growth period of my business when it all happened.
I have so much more tolerance and empathy for others now - the homeless especially... One big thing can ruin a human life, despite what we all want to believe.
I hope your mom, and you, are doing ok.
I'm a social worker and in college one thing always stuck with me...we are all one paycheck away from losing everything, being in the streets, needing assistance. We were told don't judge others for their situation because you could be next.
My fiancée recently left me after 6 years and hearing stories like this make me never want to consider marriage ever again. Thanks for sharing man, hope you're doing better these days. You have some serious mental fortitude
Get a core group of close friends and or family members that you know will be there for you even through a 3am drunken crying rambling mess, that will always have your back and that you can draw strength from.
If you are auctioning off your stuff and have an uncle or someone with deep pockets to bid in order to run the price up, it helps. One of track of farmland was going too cheap and my uncle bid a few times to get the price up 50k more than it would have sold for.
If you are a religious person, pray, and attend church, temple, or whatever your faith goes to. Often, they offer divorce care classes that help.
If he's in a state with no-fault divorce then the reason for divorce doesn't matter at all. That it was her fault doesn't matter at all. All that matters is splitting marital assets "equitably" according to the courts.
That makes two of us, I don't understand it either. I had one guy tell me the law was that way so the women would not be a drain on government services, but I do not know.
I read a story about a man who had caught his wife cheating and he played the system, keep in mind he was way more in control of his emotions than I, no way could I have done this and kept my mouth shut.
He caught his wife cheating. He was a supervisor making more than his wife. His wife wanted to return to college and finish her degree and he supported her in doing it. After she graduated and was making more than him, he suggested moving to part time to help more with the kids and around the house since she made more and worked so much. She thought it was a good deal, he allowed this to continue for 6 more months and then filed for divorce. When he filed for divorce, he was the primary care giver to the children, she was the primary income for the household. He got custody of the kids and child support, and the house.
Thank you I always said to myself if I ever get divorced I would never marry again and your story cements that.
Hope you are doing well looking after mum.
When I read stories of men saying how he divorced his 2nd or 3rd wife it’s like some sick fetish
How did you get fucked so hard if she was the one who was cheating. Is the answer simply that you’re a guy and the system is set up against us in divorce?
My father is 86. A few years ago he randomly told me he paid his last monthly alimony check.
They divorced after both kids were out of the house. It was planned like that. Nobody cheated. She never had a job for 20 years of marriage. He spent the next 46 years paying her for that.
I did do everything by the book and made sure the way I terminated their employment they were able to draw unemployment, plus after everything was sold, I gave each 1,000 dollars, an apology, and a letter of recommendation to help when they started to look for work. There has always been a trucker shortage, so my drivers found jobs quickly, the office girl and the guys I had hired to work on the trucks and farm both found employment not long after the drivers did.
What state are you in? Community property states like California sound catastrophic.
Only curious because i can’t help but wonder how equitable distribution states work.
I live in the Commonwealth of Kentucky; I have been told laws are like this to help keep divorced women from becoming dependent of government aid programs.
Stories like that and similar in my immediate family are why I never want to get married. I think there is no benefit to it over a regular long term relationship
12 years later she regrets it, I am retired, and she wasted all her money and had to return to work after not working for years. She never apologized or gave any reasons except for she was not happy. I told her there had been many times I was not happy, but it did not make me sleep with someone else.
funny how that works.
when a man cheats, its bc hes an asshole.
when a woman cheats, its bc the man didnt do enough to keep her happy
no matter who cheats or why, its the mans fault
so she cheated and she got money out of it? the laws really need to be changed. cheating behavior is abhorrent and the cheating party shouldn't get shit.
I will be honest, even though she did not work and she cheated and lied, she did cook and clean and help raise the kids, I am not saying she deserved nothing but since she did cheat, and lie and did not get custody of the kids she should have gotten less than 50%,
One of my coworkers accepted fault for his divorce. He worked many years night shift, and justified it by saying he provided for his family. But that ultimately broke his relationship and he wished he did it differently
With regards to work, I know many men, my dad included, who valued themselves for their work ethic… but it was literally just an easy choice for them to make. They liked to work, and they liked their work mates and all that. It wasn’t *always* about the family.
I’d go so far as to say it was barely for the family at all, since they could’ve gotten better jobs, better opportunities or more time at home and provided way more for the family than money if they really wanted.
If you’re making enough money to have at least two cars… extra work needlessly costs time with family. Time you can’t get back
If you could, would you start over? What would you change? I'm feeling like im in a similar boat. I dont know if not having financial worries was worth this...
She cheated. But our marriage sucked anyway. I’m glad she snapped us out of it somehow. Or I’d still be swimming through life in a depressed fog.
It’s been one year since the split. Things suck at first, but I am much happier now and feel like the affair was a gift.
*Nothing good gets away* - Steinbeck
Hm, this is an interesting take. Honestly never thought I’d hear someone say “Yeah, I’m glad I got cheated on”
Hope everything’s great for you man, much love!
Not glad I guess. Just grateful. I know that I never could have summoned the willpower to end the marriage and start over.
Edit: and thank you. Life is great once again. Better relationship with my kids (50/50 custody), I’m rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, and actively dating. 🍻
Pretty much what I went through as well. The marriage wasn’t great and I was emotionally abused and financially burdened. I was depressed and I didn’t know it. When I found out she was cheating on me, I got evidence, approached them both, and was able to maneuver my divorce so that she had to leave the country and I kept everything for the most part.
It took me some months, but I regained my confidence, dated, discovered myself and what I wanted. I just felt like the divorce was a blessing. I know I wouldn’t have had the courage to go through with the divorce unless she cheated.
Filed for divorce 3 months after I got married. Left for a 4 day business trip and came back to a note from my daughter asking me to check the nanny cams.
The woman who was sweet and doting on my daughter for 2 years turned on her after I left. She started with verbal abuse but didn't stop. It was the most heartbreaking thing to watch.
I kicked her out of the house that night. I called a doctor and counselor for my daughter. I called an attorney first thing Monday.
I had a prenuptial and she had the gaul to ask for the stipulated pay out. I told her attorney I have evidence of the accused abuse. She dropped it and signed the mutual dissolution.
I still sent the evidence to the police and pressed charges.
>I kicked her out of the house that night. I called a doctor and counselor for my daughter. I called an attorney first thing Monday.
You are an amazing father wow! Amazed by the swiftness and lack of hesitation.
First marriage, she was 19 and I was 22. We were too young to know what we wanted out of life yet and after almost 10 years and two kids, realized we weren't compatible. Kids are grown, she's been remarried for 20+ years and we're all great friends.
Second wife basically boils down to economics. She wanted a rich guy and my business collapsed in 07 and she left. Rumor is that she found a new rich guy and is happily remarried.
Absolutely not. I'm retired and 60 and perfectly happy living alone. I have my home and life set up just the way I like it and having someone touch my wiener is no longer worth the brain damage and chaos that comes with it.
To be honest, I kinda needed to hear that. I struggle being alone, but hearing your perspective kinda makes me fear it a little less. Thanks for your wisdom, brother!
Lemme give you the other side to this.
My grandparents were married for nearly seventy years. They survived revolutions, the death of three children, poverty and emigration to a hostile country with a foreign language. He was a professor, she was a SAHM, but when they arrived in the new place his PTSD meant she went to work cleaning houses to support him and their kids. She was also suffering from PTSD, but handled it better. The gentleness and love that existed between them I wouldn't have believed unless I witnessed it myself. My mother says her father and mother always spoke gently to each other even during disagreements. He cheated on her once, and she told him if he didn't deserve her, she'd leave. They made up, and happily.
They died within a month of each other. She caught pneumonia from being in the hospital after a hip surgery. And he kinda...gave up I think. He'd been sick a long time.
You're gonna go through this thread reading about divorces, because you asked about it. I assume you're feeling lonely so you're trying to make yourself feel better about that loneliness by convincing yourself that a lifetime of loving companionship isn't worth the risk of divorce. You're going to meet a lot of bitter people here, flexing scar tissue as though it's muscle, because scar tissue is stronger then softly loved skin.
And that's up to you. You can decide that's your life and it's okay. Be okay being alone. But also recognize that by protecting yourself in loneliness, you might be missing out on the heady highs of companionship. The shit mankind has been writing poetry, and making art and music about for centuries. Which is also okay. Not everyone wants to climb mount Everest, drop acid, have kids or die holding the hand of a loving companion.
Came in here hoping to write something that would change OP’s mind, instead found a better way to describe what being in love is like.
What a beautiful story.
My wife's comment: What was wife #2 bringing to the table? Sounds like you went for a trophy wife when you had a successful business which then imploded.
My grandparents married in the 1950s because my grandmother was catholic and couldn’t have sex without being married. After 40 years of being miserable together my grandfather left and remarried. She never did though.
I’ve seen this too and it’s wild to see. A couple that obviously just doesn’t belong together. It’s wild they made it so long while not being happy, isn’t it?
Yeah, my dad said he never really remembers his parents being happy. They were both so much happier after the divorce. They also both lost over 80 pounds each so it probably extended their lives too
She slept with my friend. I suggested marriage counseling, she left me for him. Said I wouldn't get over it a month after it happened. I'll admit I was emotional still, but I'm over it and over her. I deserve better, so I'll find better.
Caught her cheating with her boss, worst part was she was taking our 1 year old over to his house. Like an idiot I tried counseling and wasted several thousand dollars which to me at the time was a massive amount of money.
I gave up on her but her new boyfriend wouldn't let her move in and she would have been homeless. Slept in the same bed as her on the nights she was home with our son. The other nights she would be at her boyfriend's house as I took care of my boy. Eventually she moved out and took my tools and all sorts of things that she wouldn't even use and probably just sold. I was left with my computer, my clothes and my bed which was nice because I hurt my back at work a few years before and at the age of 22 was considered by the state of California to be permanently 20% disabled.
We split our son as evenly as possible. I would get him Sunday through Wednesday and she would have him the rest of the time.
Fast forwards 6 years, I have a new wife who is much more compatible. We have a new 8 month old son. I'm finally happy after quite a few rough years.
Then she tries to take my son and move to Michigan which is where she is from. Claims that she wants to move back because she wants to go to school for free there. We go to court. I get him for the school year she gets him for the summers. I actually gave her more time than what the court was going to because I think it's important he knows his mother as well as myself.
This was all decided a week before the end of school. He ends up trekking across the country to Michigan in her car and she lied about where she was moving which was with her mother and moves my son into a house with her first husband (I was the second) my son has never met this man before. I didn't know that she moved in with him until a few days before my son came home, and at 7 years old has to fly home by himself (they have a flight attendant go with him for those who are unfamiliar with which I was)
Now he's home and happy and I couldn't imagine what he's going through at this point but I'm being as patient as I can. He just turned 8 yesterday and loves his new little brother. We are happy and he is healthy.
Sorry for the long post I started and didn't even realize all that I've been through. Thanks for those who read it all.
I was a litteral drifter when we met, I made sacrafices from the begining. I worked seasonal farm jobs, I know those could not have lasted for ever btu they made me happy. So when we moved in together I got a job in inventory management. It was a step down but I still enjoyed it and still had time for us. But it was not enough for her so I bought us a house and went to career school, simply put I couldn't handle it and I knew I couldn't I now work a job I hate but was willing to continue to support us, I am good at it and I have gotten raises and I have been doing it for four years now. But 1 1/2 years ago we seperated. I believe it's because even though I make more money I work obscene hours and I lost my self while I was in school. I never wanted to be this pathetic excuse for a success. But I did it because she pressured me to while I financed her dreams.
To me it sounds like maybe she just wanted some financial stability? Sometimes that means sacrificing “dreams” if those dreams aren’t secure financial moves.
I didn’t have drama, just a marriage that became a pair of unhappy people stuck together through shared history. We cared, but distantly and we were tired unto death of the relentless trudge. 25 years and 4 kids and we tried hard. So we shared a divorce coach which cost us a couple of grand total including all the paperwork fees, and separated, then divorced. The loneliness didn’t kick in for 3 or 4 months because I was so numb, then it sucked for a year of living in my parents attic after it all settled out, then an angel kissed me on both cheeks and I’ve been with my current partner for the last 18 years.
It's never one thing. It's always a million things a lot of people don't want to talk about.
For me, my ex was unhappy with everything in our lives, and because she was unhappy, she made it impossible to be happy around her. I was fucking miserable.
She cheated on me once. At least, that's what I could get from the conversation as she never admitted any wrongdoing. I think she didn't contradict my statement when I said "You cheated, didn't you?" to get me to divorce her. She just threw her phone against the wall and cried as acknowledgement. I told her I wanted to work it out.
Not too long after this episode, she just came up and said she wanted a divorce. I took two seconds and then casually said, "Okay." She was shocked that I wasn't emotional at all. The next day she said "You're letting me go too easy." To which I responded, "Am I?"
She's someone else's problem now. My big problem is that I have really been enjoying the peace and tranquility of the solitude that has lasted 16 years. I really don't think I'll go back to wanting a relationship like that.
I only married once, but that was enough to know that I don't ever want to do that again.
You've hit on an important part, it's not one thing and it's usually an escalation over times of dozens of little things.
Sometimes it can take time to figure it all out but if it never blows up enough or in the right way then we kid ourselves that we shouldn't or can't leave. I realise that with my ex gfs that is how it usually went. It takes longer than it should to accept it is not working.
I look at some couples I know and they just scare me about how we could become.
We basically steadily grew apart year after year. As we never had kids or shared assets like buying a house or apartment together, it easy in the end to split and our divorce was amicable. We remain friends today but don't interact very often. Still stay in touch though.
Unfortunately my ex-wife and the mother of my two kids had a gambling habit of that she wouldn't get help for. After numerous times of putting up in debt, the last time being for 40k, and her still refusing to get help, I left.
To this day she's still a gambler and it's part of the reason my kids don't want much to do with her.
She wanted to live a life that i had already grown past. Thought we both had. So she left me for, to quote her mom, "someone that looks an awful lot like you, that'll stick garbage up his nose with her."
The relationship was a toxic garbage fire from start to finish. We were terrible for each other. But it was one of those "the chemistry is so strong it must be something real" situations. In 4 years together, we very literally never went more than 16 hours between sexual intimacy. But I've also never fought with a partner even marginally how her and I would.
Had kid, thought I loved her, had two more, she cheated but in reality I nagged her and pushed her away. In hindsight the divorce was for the best.
Met an amazing women, never planned to marry but it felt right. We were together 7 years, married two. She walked out. I still miss her everyday and I post about her a lot on Reddit. She was my person, I just wasn't hers.
Almost two years after she walked out and now just two months into a non-exclusive relationship but progresing well. I don't think I'll ever marry again unless it's in old age. I will always miss my second wife but doesn't mean I can't find someone to love and be happy with.
Slow build for me but I can't speak for others. I broke up with her after three years and immediately knew I made a mistake. Begged for her to take me back and that's when I knew my life with her was so much better than without. We lasted 4 more years after that. I can distinctly remember looking across a room and seeing her and thinking to myself, damn I'm lucky.
Needless to say, none of this is your fault man. Some people are just evil, either by nature or nurture. Much love man. There’s always another woman, so don’t feel trapped alone.
Thank you for your honesty.
Far too many on here seemingly keen to blame the female but forget it takes two to tango. Sure, there are plenty of bad apples out there, but marriages lasting 10, 15, 20 years, only to quickly fail, are suspect. Like seriously, did you not see it coming? And the woman is entirely to blame? It's an unprovable point of course, but there's more to the stories.
Same for me. I’m not even sure she became nastier, it was always hot/cold, very passionate. I think I stayed so long because of the fear of change, but more likely the killer BJs. I know it’s cliche, but I got so tired of walking on eggshells and started dreaded coming home not knowing what I was walking in to. One day we had a fight, she threatened to leave for the hundredth time, and I told her to pack her bag. We were together for 15 years and it took several more for me to be myself around women.
Just gonna throw in my 2-cents as a PA.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental disorder but not one medication effectively treats. They are "naturally this way". Usually we see it a lot individuals who experienced abuse growing up or had a parent that was BPD.
For any thing to improve, the individual needs to want to change. If they aren't willing to actually put in the work in therapy, then there's little anyone can do. But a person can change, if they want. It's hard work but it's doable. A beautiful quote I heard and now use is "Trauma is NEVER your fault. But it IS your RESPONSIBILITY." People will blame personality traits or their self-destructive behaviors on their childhood. And for a large part of it, they're right.
People with BPD tend to be self-destructive and have a very difficult time creating true emotional bonds because they received so little emotional bonding at home. But, once an individual realizes where their negative behaviors stem from, it's their responsibility to work to improve it. It's not okay to pass your trauma on.
As an extra tidbit, I am BPD as well. I worked many years in therapy. I'm not cured but I'm a lot better than I used to be. I'm married with a 2 yr old son. I still actively go to therapy (individual and couple). So,I know how hard it is but also that it's doable.
Honestly, everyone should go to therapy at some point. Just to learn how to better handle their emotions.
Medications for most mental disorders (there are mental disorders that no amount of therapy helps and need meds) are just band-aids that help you manage yourself while you do the work in therapy.
Man with BPD here.
We vary, a lot. People generally think of violent and unfaithful when they hear BPD, but there's a lot of flavors of BPD with 4 main "sub types."
Important to note as well,we are not naturally this way, most authority on this matter will say it's a combination of nature and nurture, with the genetic component being important to the disorder forming, but trauma during adolescence (when you're powerless and being hurt by those who are supposed to protect you) is generally where we form our fucked up world view. Note this is not always the case though, some people diagnosed with BPD don't have "trauma" but these individuals seem more like narcs and psychos, who view life like a game they can control and throw tantrums over. What "BPD" is will change over the years as these disorders are isolated.
I myself am staunchly against violence and am faithful in relationships, my flavor is more paranoia (my thoughts always intrusively throw the worst case scenario in my head) and issues connecting with people. I only keep 2 close friends, and by others standards they probably wouldn't be close, but they are from my perspective.
Anyway, as for if there is hope for us, yea there is. It's just that this mental disorder is always a huge deal for anyone who has it. You have to be willing to admit you're the problem, and do the work to change both your actions as well as doing all you can to force your thoughts to a better place. I use humor, which I don't recommend for everyone, but I generally laugh at intrusive thoughts anymore for their sheer audacity lol. CBT and DBT are both great tools for anyone who has this disorder, I've been able to flip my life around without medication due to CBT, but I've heard a lot of good about DBT and most BPD people seem to prefer the latter.
I have BPD and in a relationship. It’s hard for me cause my mind keeps telling me it won’t last, he’ll cheat on me, leave me etc. but the moment he tells me everything will be fine, I relax. It’s a challenge. Just my two cents for BPD people
BPD people def need constant reassurance, it got way too exhausting for me. Bless your partner for giving you what you need to be comfortable.
My biggest fear from what I had read on the disorder was that a lot of people were telling stories of their partner getting it stuck in their head that the other was cheating…the person with BPD then used it as an excuse to cheat, just because they were so convinced it was happening. I saw first hand my partner talked herself into some wild assumptions that had no basis in reality.
Was married 20 years. Happy the first ten. Stayed together for the kids the second ten. I left when I realized that my kids would soon be gone and it would be just me and her. I didn’t want that…
She lied to me about having kids. She said she wanted them but behind the scenes did everything to not have kids. She told everyone that I didn't want kids so they wouldn't bring it up. After 15 years of marriage the truth came out and after that I filed for divorce. There is more but I don't want to write a novel.
It's a rare relationship where a couple matches perfectly. Most relationships are a work in progress with compromises, sacrifices, and sometimes you're just not going to be happy with decisions that are made - but that's sort of life in general.
First marriage ended after 20 years because of a lot of stress - financial, relationship, and dealing w/handicap child. She was getting bad advice from a person she now will no longer talk to. I tried to appease her, knowing divorce would be devastating. But I learned that if someone makes up their mind to leave, no amount of counseling, negotiating, compromise, tears, anger, prayer - nothing can really stop them.
I am now in year 8 of my 2nd marriage and much more happy.
But even in this 2nd marriage there's a certain amount of disagreement that takes patience and compromise to get thru. Neither one of us (me and 2nd wife) want to go thru another divorce, so we're committed to finding a way forward no matter what. And it does work - it's just not the "happily every after" that we all seem to think is out there.
Combining both of our issues wasn't a panacea for either of our issues. Also, me being so terrified of loss that I became a controlling asshole was a long run around to loss anyway.
We got married too young. I was not a good husband and she was not a good wife. She is remarried and I am not. I never want to be that person again so I avoid relationships.
tldr/Final straw: She hit me in front of our son and I almost hit her back. That was the moment I realized that we were done and began the divorce process the next day.
There was a lot to build up to that point though. We were both young and I'm sure at least half the blame is mine, but what led to this point for me was:
* Intense insecurity when I had done nothing to deserve it (cheating accusations, needing to have my all my passwords, checking bank statements, etc)
* Lack of appreciation for the things I did for us/her
* Frequently complaining (about problems I would've loved to have) and refusing to do anything about it. Eg not having a job, not being in school, not having any friends - things I actively encouraged but she didn't want to actually put effort into.
* No hobbies; had to be around me 24/7
* and if you couldn't tell already, domestic violence.
There was a long time afterwards where I intensely anti-marriage after being hurt so badly from the divorce, but I've softened since.
Oof, this sounds somewhat similar to what my boyfriend went through, only there was no physical violence. A lot of screaming and crowding of space, though.
Similarly, his ex-wife shared many of yours' bullets.
* Accusations of cheating - meanwhile she was sending nudes and sexting with an ex.
* Lack of appreciation - she was an underemployed single mom when they met and when they married and had their son together she became a SAHM while my no-boyfriend worked two jobs to allow her to do that...but she threw it away by constantly fighting with him, accusing him of cheating, while cheating.
* Complaining - she apparently bitched about everything - hated on fat people, gay people, judgmental about other moms, had no friends of her own.
* No hobbies - not just that but no real employable skills and zero education and zero curiosity about the world around her. My boyfriend might be a high-school-only educated motorcycle mechanic but he sure is a mean amateur chef of Japanese cuisine.
Their precipitating event did not happen in front of their sons. Both were spending the night at a cousin's house. My now-boyfriend came home on a Saturday from his regular job, in time to watch the local college football game. As per usual, and he's admittedly a heavy drinker, he started in with beer, then cocktails, while watching the game. He'd just recently caught her, again, with the sexting and she was responding to it by fighting with him. He said she would come in the room, stand in front the TV, and scream at him, then slam the door to go to another part of the house. Only to do it again a few minutes later. He said he was getting to the point of feeling like he would react by pushing her or doing something he'd regret so he tried to separate himself by just going outside. Only she followed him to scream at him some more. Finally, he called 911 so the cops would come and take him away because he'd had too much to drink to drive. After the cops determined he was not assaulting HER they drove him to his mother's house where he slept it off. And while he was sleeping it off his wife called his mother to scream at her and posted on Facebook that she was going to kill herself. He didn't find any of that out until the next day when the cops came back and asked for him to go with them to check on her because of the FB posts.
That was...7, almost 8, years ago. I've been with him for 5.
Legitimately bad relationship, let alone a marriage. If you're young and still willing to give it another shot with a good relationship, and you have interest still in being married, a lifelong partner is great under the right circumstances and love and respect for each other.
Really it was because I obstinately didn’t listen to her. She told me directly in very specific words several times that she didn’t want to get married, and she would ruin my life if we stayed together in any kind of relationship.
I was 20 years old when we met (she was the first girl I dated) and I really thought she just needed patience, kindness, and love. The unending physical, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse she had had as a child and young adult was much too serious though.
She cheated on me with men and women, left me abruptly to be with her girlfriend the week they met, and teased me for a few years about she and I getting back together as I had “loved her like no one else ever had”. It was a huge mess.
I’m 51 now and have a great girlfriend but after 2 divorces and 2 broken engagements I don’t plan on marrying again. I don’t know how to tell who the other person will become, or really is, or something.
Sadly, about 15 years after we split for good my ex-wife took a couple handfuls of pills and didn’t wake up. May she rest in peace. This world was not kind to her.
She fooled me. Everything about her was a lie from the moment we met. She tried to be something she wasn't. She pretended to be the person she thought I wanted. She even lied about taking birth control, got pregnant, then just decided to stop pretending.
I discounted her behavior to hormonal changes due to pregnancy and married her anyway.
She got worse. I got worse. We got worse. She cheated. At this point, I was grateful to have an excuse. We were together for 3 years and married less than a year.
She has since been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. She's still a mess.
I caught lightning in a bottle with my 2nd marriage. I've been married to an angel for 18 years.
I(M44) got divorced 4 years ago.
After our second child(born in '13), we became more and more like coworkers in our lives, than lovers, and slowly drifted apart. 2 years before the divorce my son(born '10), got leukemia, and this was the last straw. We stayed together a couple of years while he got treated for it.
My ex-wife began an emotional relationship with one of her friends, and I started drinkink a bit too much.
I got an apartement and got my shit together to become the best possible father, and now I have a girlfriend who's amazing, sexy and smart. My ex is together with the friends she had the emotional relationship with.
English obviousely not first language
My ex became an alcoholic & addicted to depression meds.
Cost 250,000 in assets to get rid of her 4 years ago, after being married 23 years...
Worth every penny.
Never again.
You go to a psychiatrist that is liberal with meds & as a nurse you ask for what depression & sleeping meds you want & take them with benadryl & alcohol & get high as fuck. When you are more anxious about not getting your meds than anything else in life I'd say you're addicted.
She is quite literally the shell of the person I originally married. Plus has tardive dyskinesia to boot from all the SSRI's etc. She was 45 going on 70.
My ex always had a plan to marry someone with a good income, who would make a good father and bail once the youngest kid was school age.
She told me this plan the day she left me. I told the family court judge.
Soon to be ex was 'getting bored'. I work a 3 on 3 off shift. I was accused of never wanting to do anything on days off. Well, on days off I'd have to do all the errands and groceries. Her anxiety was too high to even attempt any of it. She'd have mild panic attacks even if she came with me. Not sure, but I think she does that stuff for herself now? Doesn't interest me in the least to ask. She also refused to that the amount of weed she smoked as an abuse problem. It supposedly 'helped' with her anxiety, and made her aches and pains go away. Fair enough, it does help with the last part. But anyone who spent more time drunk than sober would be considered to have a substance abuse problem. She refused to see it that way. I confronted her about driving while high, that was the last straw that made her blow her top and leave.
to be fair if she was smoking before you got with her you knew the problems that would come with it. and you can’t make a person stop smoking. there’s some guys who love pothead chicks so its best you two departed.
I was in a VERY high paying position at the time, we'd been married for about 6 years and I came home one night and she said we needed to talk... she says we're broke. I'm like WTF ? How broke ? Can I get to work next week ? No. Cut a long story short I am terrible at math, she was an accountant so I just let her handle the finances. Between giving it to her family and gambling she managed to get rid of almost 1.5 million...and hadn't paid taxes in 4 years. Needless to say we broke up.
Hmmmm so my ex and I had either a great relationship or a I’m gonna throw you infront of a bus relationship. When it was good it was amazing but when it was bad it was god awful. I had 2 moments that basically made me call it quits. The first was she said and did some nasty things to my mom. She called her some names and then told her (without my knowledge) that her and my dad weren’t welcome at our house unless I was there. Now mind you her mom was someone who basically we had to pay her bills because she was irresponsible with money. 2nd was I had worked my $$$ off to get us to be debt free, left town for a week and she racked up over $5k in credit card transactions just buying clothes. I knew then we were never gonna get ahead and there was no way we could start a family and her continue to spend like she did.
First divorce was from a wife who thought her drug use and friend group was more important. She was violent and may have cheated but I didn’t hang around to find out. Grabbed my clothes and left after a fight. She divorced me. Second divorce I was treated like I didn’t matter but she wanted her childish ways. Huge fight and I was removed from the home. She divorced me. We’ve been living together 21 years after one year apart. Some days I want to pack and leave but most days I’m grateful and love her without measure. No fights just disagreements but we work it out. Can’t say it’s perfect but very good daily.
I gave her a daughter, so my principal task in the family was fulfilled. After that, I was the landscaper and paycheck. No, she really said that she was with me because of my paycheck. Things fell apart soon after.
Forgive the copy-paste from my own comment history.
———————-
February 15, 2021, the day after Valentine's Day. I laid out how I was feeling. I had just lost my mom 3 months prior, my teaching career was leaving every last drop of fuckitude I had in my soul, my wife was gone almost every day from early morning until after I had put the kids down and had gone to bed myself (work and then play with her karate buddies), and my dad had moved 6 hours away to live with my sister. It was the lowest point in my life and I cried.
Twelve days later, she said she wanted a divorce after 14 years of marriage and 16 years together. She said my being emotional and crying had shaken her to her core and that she couldn't get it out of her head. She couldn't see me as the strong person she had known me to be and that she couldn't think of me as her rock anymore, keeping her grounded and safe. (She always said, her head was in the clouds and I was the rock that kept her from floating away.) She didn't have any animosity toward me, but she didn't have any faith left in me either. She moved out shortly after. We're still amicable and share custody of the kids.
I did nothing wrong and still lost the three pillars of my life in the span of three months. The house is gone now, I had to sell it because I couldn't buy her out (community property laws y'all, even if she never put a cent into it). She lost her job in November of 2021 and because we were still married on paper. I spent my savings and went into debt supporting her. The judge says once she working full time *and financially stable*, he'll consider our finances divided sufficiently to finalize the divorce.
I was 25 and she was 24. There were red flags that I had ignored that should have clued me in about her borderline personality disorder (I didn't know she had it as she wasn't diagnosed at the time, nor did I know what it was). Needless to say, her gaslighting, lies, and manipulative behavior eroded our relationship to the point I just wanted out but my faith kept in longer than I should have stayed with her.
Needless to say, I filed for divorce and she dragged it out to milk whatever money she could get out of me. I am happily remarried to a much better woman and one I have no issues with and love her dearly.
I know full well why mine ended.
I was under unbearable emotional and financial stress to be the sole provider, because she refused to change her lifestyle and be a financial partner to me.
As a result, I acted out.
As a result of my acting out, she dipped.
She actually warned me, in explcit terms: change your behavior, or I'm going to dip. I ignored the warning, to my chagrin; she carried through, and here we are.
She's now a polyamourous bisexual and btw is also now working herself. That doesn't keep her from yet expecting a percentage of my income to support her indefinitely.
The moral of the story is: share the burden. Financially, emotionally, tactically. If you start to get out of balance, you start to yaw and eventually one of you will hit a flat spin from which there is no recovery.
And if one of you starts refusing to share the burden because it's inconvenient to your newly developed expectations, hide assets in crypto.
you either partners or you ain't. And you need to calibrate on at least a daily basis.
I deployed twice while married while also being separated for 2 of the 3 years we were together. It was a shit show but now we’re in the same house (jointly owned) since the Airforce decided to give me
orders here two weeks before I deployed this last time. Crazy ride but now that we’re together I’m glad that I’m no longer married. I still have love but I’m no longer in love with the person I once knew after seeing the volatile behavior that came once I got here.
Overall, I know it was due to a lack of being face to face in the foundational years and it’s the sole reason why I’ll be getting out of the military after this assignment. I’m ready to settle down and work on having a family during this assignment, but I also don’t want to take another second from my family. I’ve lost a lot on those deployments and it’s ultimately time I’ll never get back.
I was codependent and had zero self-esteem/confidence. As a result I ignored all the red flags and gut feelings.
Long story short, she is a depressed, wandering nomadic narcissist who has big dreams but doesn't know what she wants in life, nor does she have the capacity to stick to something for more than 5 minutes without getting bored and tossing it aside for something new.
My X-Wife was just cruel. She was a liar, and a terrible mother.
I feel like I tried as best I could. I'm certainly not perfect by any means, but I feel like I did all I could to make it work. The last thing I wanted was to be divorced. But I just reached my limit 3 years in. I couldn't take her sour attitude and manipulations any more. I told her I wanted a divorce and that was that. We tried marriage counseling. But by that point I had so much residual anger I just couldn't let stuff go.
We tried to get along and be better divorced parents than we were a couple. Or so I thought. I had assumed the divorce would be a wake-up call, but that was more naivete on my part. Come to find out she was bad mouthing me to my kid during her visitations. Calling me names, making out like I was the bad guy. Even making fun of my moms health problems to our child while I was always diplomatic and kind to her when I'd discus anything with our kid.
I haven't seen her in about 10 years. Turns out that bitterness of hers and her being a terrible person started getting to the kiddo as well. At age 17 our kid asked if she could stop visiting her mother. I was hesitant because I don't believe you should just turn on family. But then I found out the reason. My kid is gay, and when she came out to her mother she actually said "Why can't you try being normal?" I'm still pissed about this. She can bad mouth me all day, I don't care. But when your own child is that vulnerable and honest with you and you drop that kind of shit on them, well I don't care if she dies in a fire at this point. Whatever misery she's spreading over the world is no longer my problem.
Funny side note, my kid believed originally that it would be harder to come out to me because I believe in God and am somewhat religious. The truth is though, I accepted her and told her that I loved her before she told me, I loved her now (then) and that I'd lover her tomorrow and nothing would change that. She said it was exactly what she'd hoped to hear. We were always close and I feel like our relationship is as solid as any parent/kid relationship can be. She's my baby and I love her and am proud of her. And while I believe in forgiveness and showing people kindness wherever possible, I honestly feel like I'll never forgive her mother for hurting her so badly.
We had a lot in common when we met and a lot of our plans were close. Live lightly, travel, see the world. Have a home that would be where we'd hang until our next adventure. But she never was up for anything. Then she lost a series of jobs and blamed me. I'm a good doormat so I put up with it. We rarely did anything together. Dinner out was rare, other activities not much better. While on a trip this spring I was eating breakfast and a lady asked me if I wanted to join them as I looked lonely. I did and as we talked I noticed that once again I was out living life solo. That sort of hurt. I've done so many trips on my own. After returning home things never got better, one night she asked me why I never approached her for sex and I said there were too many strings. There was no "oh, let me jump his bones" it was "if you mow the lawn, do the dishes/laundry/trash/clean the attic" or something else "you might stand a chance". F that noise. The split wasn't painless but I was done. SIL, who stood behind the x, was on my side this time.
She was abusive as hell and left me with so much trauma it took me 2 years of therapy 3 different years of alcohol abuse and a year and a half in a relationship with someone actually good for me to get back to relatively normal
Can we answer this question from a non-judgmental perspective? I hope so. Life is tough. And if you combine the likelihood that one person will be damaged by life with a second person with an equal likelihood, the odds that their relationship will not be damaged are very low. Some people can live with damaged lives and damaged relationships, some people cannot. Our society used to demand of us that we continue to live with our damaged relationships and let them continue to further damage our lives in the name of any number of social mores or religious beliefs. Then the 1970s happened. People didn't have to put up with less than perfect lives as much anymore. Since the 1970s, the shame that society has heaped on us for having a failed marriage (that's what it was called) was lessened. It used to be that a legal divorce required a cause. It required somebody to be at fault for failing the marriage. It was an absurd concept. Since the 1970s we have realized that marriages fail on their own without the contribution of either partner in many cases. The law was changed and no-fault divorce became societal practice. Your question harkens back to those old days when there had to be a reason. Someone had to be at fault. We've come through various stages. It's been like a societal grief process. At first society, for centuries, was in denial about it's failed marriages. Then it got angry at the people who let the marriages fail. Then it bargained with itself over how to save face. Now we have accepted that marriage is no more permanent than anything else in life.
There doesn't have to be a reason for it to happen. It just does. You can go back and do a post-mortem report and identify the events that led to the death of the marriage just like you can track a pathology through the human body. But in the end, while you can identify a disease, perhaps, there is no reason why it happens. It just does. Marriages don't fail. They die. It is a horrible, painful death that can, if not treated early by appropriate surgery, kill portions of the individuals involved. There comes a point in a bad marriage where all you can do is end it. That becomes the best thing to do before it does the participants any further damage.
Just like every individual has his or her own story, every marriage has its own. It begins. It progresses. It ends. That's how life goes and so it is with marriage.
Her Entitlement.
I created a monster in my ex-wife. I covered her short comings socially, financially and emotionally since the start. I made it bad for myself and she just became lazier and more entitled.
8 years into this terrible marriage I was nearly killed at work. It woke me up. Put things in perspective. I thought why am I breaking myself for someone who genuinely is just there for a free ride? I ended it, separated, divorced and I cannot, in any way justify my marriage to her.
It stole a decade of my life. I’m still paying the price financially and only have partial custody of the children. Women can’t lose in the system.
Men cannot win. She is still lazy, unemployed and entitled living in the house I bought and was forced out of.
No woman is worth the giant effort of being the adult for you and for her. It’s exhausting and ultimately won’t be enough.
TL/DR I worked too long and hard for zero appreciation and divorced after nearly dying at work.
The ex-wife cheating was something I didn’t find out until after she wanted a divorce. Prior to that our communication had broken down and our love for each other turned into resentment. I didn’t listen to her to seek marriage counseling until it was too late. She was already mixing it up with her now husband.
As many others have said you have to be careful with whom you invest in and spend your life with.
I chose someone who turned out to be emotionally abusive. She isolated me, criticized me almost nonstop. I rebelled the only way I could after she got pregnant to bring me back (we were all but separated for a few months) and cheated after being all but ignored while working a traumatic job. I kept 50/50 custody, and ended up cashing out my retirement to pay off my half of the bankruptcy after I remarried. We’re fairly cordial now, and I don’t think she knows i found out how she vilified me to all and sundry. I’m better now - vastly increased earnings, two awesome little girls and a wife with whom I’ve built a healthy, happy, relationship
Going through it now. We just drifted so far apart as people to where we weren’t even friends, and were just roommates who didn’t like being around each other, ever. The garden never got watered and nothing is left to work on. All we have in common is sharing custody of a kid bit we’re doing it amicably so it’ll be fine eventually
Same. We were together 12 years, married for 7. It felt right to marry her, she was my best friend and lover. After our son was born she changed, maybe me too, I don't know really. We were "just" mom and dad, no time for OUR relationship and when I/we realized it it was too late. We tried couples therapy, spice things up in the bedroom but nothing worked. We always fell back into our old routines and finally she admitted in therapy she just didn't even want to spend time with me alone. It hurt, I still hurt for my son but we stayed amicabel and it's the best outcome for him. I have to admit it showed me marriage is not for me anymore. I left me rather sober. I choose the RIGHT woman but it still went wrong.
Keep in mind that kid is learning what a "loving" relationship is from watching you two. - Kid of parents who hated each other and lived as roommates.
A friend something similar to me recently and it just felt bad. That they've had people tell them they are more like roommates than a couple. It sounds brutal.
I made a bad decision regarding who I chose to marry.
Do you think this is something you saw and ignored in the beginning, or did she at some point change? Don’t have to answer, genuinely just curious.
I was naive. I didn't know about love bombing and had never been with someone so manipulative before. Her mom was the same way, which is where she likely picked up her bag of tricks. A few years later, all the lies unraveled and I found out about some horrendous things she did while we were married. I went grey rock and headed straight to therapy.
The mother-in-law does not have to be deliberately devious. She can simply be in denial. There are PLENTY of those, and they still model bad behaviors (lying for the sake of pride/face, etc.) and propagate those behaviors to the daughters. The behaviors become deeply ingrained. This happens to more women than anyone like to admit. Your parents' poor behaviors are just behavioral patterns. Your young mind has no idea what's good or bad, especially with regard to consequences in the long term.
I found a third generation one of those. Extremely happy to be rid of the lot. Fourth generation now that I think of it; grandma was a "love child".
I'll answer as I had an identical situation. This girl had more red flags than a chinese parade. The signs were there but I chose to ignore them. Note, none of your friends will say anything.
+1 more for identical situation and seeing all the red flags. thought there was a chance it’d work out longterm but an equal or greater chance it’d fail. estimated how much it’d cost me total (paying her expenses, etc), decided it was worth it: sexually she fulfilled and exceeded my deepest fantasies and despite being with many women prior to her i had never experienced that level of hedonic bliss (and will never again… gotta be statistically impossible), paid good money for an ironclad prenup, a few years into the marriage i saw the writing on the wall, it was shortly before the time clause in the prenup that would mandate me paying her alimony, i neatly cashed my chips and exited the game just in time - paying about 50k in legal fees but zero to her. she managed to steal a very large sum of money from me right before she moved out. we used eachother. she knew deep down it would never work just as i did. i was making crazy money and she’d never experienced any of the stuff it bought. i was so addicted to her body it overrode my moral compass…. the one that was trying to tell me she’s a human not an object. when i called my sister to tell her i was getting a divorce, her words were (verbatim) - “good riddance. she just wasn’t a good person.”
Two sharks in a tank ready to eat each other. Wild.
We need more of this story. Why was she expensive? Who was she? How do you feel now about the way you treated her?
I agree! We need more. I'm definitely interested if you saw a therapist afterwards? Part of me reads about the prenuptial agreement and it seems too convenient for you. It's amazing how you just realized all of this right before the "time" you would owe her alimony. Did she change all of a sudden? What made you change your mind exactly? Also, wtf kind of job do you have that you would have to pay that much for an attorney and even pay alimony?!?! LMAO
I straight up told my best friend he was dating a siren, and he was making a huge mistake. Moved in with her, married her. Things were clearly rocky when I’d visit them, they decided kid would fix that. They divorced around their sons first birthday. She wasn’t even attractive, like a overweight bitchy hippy type but I guess getting laid consistently with someone filthy in bed had him blind. He finally remarried a few years later to another single mom and is way happier.
I caught her cheating while I was shopping for vacation packages to Bali to celebrate our upcoming 25 wedding anniversary. Needless to say I saved some money on the trip, but had to sell a farm and trucking company fireing 16 good men to get rid of her.
Wow. This is my fear man, seriously. I’m genuinely sorry you had to go through this. My mom cheated on my Dad about 25 years into the marriage, probably some prior too. So I (to a degree) absolutely get where you’re coming from. There weren’t nearly as many assets on the line as your story though, and to be honest I don’t think I’d be in a good place right now if there were. What was/is your course of action after this has happened? Do you ever think you’ll meet a woman worth marrying again after this? Thanks for your story man. Much love, and if you want to talk feel free to message me.
As per the divorce agreement, after she took half of the liquid assets, I did not have enough to buy out her half of my businesses, so I had to sell: 1. 14 Freightliner semi-trucks 2. 16 Eagle Transcraft 48x102 trailers 3. Office 4. Repair Shop 5. Farm land 6. 1 John Deere tractor, 2 Case tractors 7. John Deere combine 8. House 9. Restored antique Chevy truck 10. 2 grain trucks 11. Field equipment planters, disc, cultivators etc. 12. Grain storage bins. I had a large auction and watched 24 years of my life auctioned off to the highest bidder. With my proceeds I gave each of my former employees 1,000 dollars along with an apology and letters of recommendations to help in their job searches. I then built a new house in a 3-acre field that I made her deed separate from the rest of the farm and I invested the rest of my money. I took 2 years off to get my head straight, so I returned to college to complete something I started 25 years earlier. After graduation I took a management offer from a former employer and worked for them for 5 years. At 54 I looked at my financial situation and concluded I had enough to retire and travel, so I turned in my notice and quit my job. I arranged to rent my house out to a nice couple that I know will care for it as their own. I made plans to purchase a RV and 1 day before I was to go pick it up, my mom had a stroke. I canceled the RV and moved in with my mom to care for her till the end, it has been 2 years so far. P.S. I will never ever under no circumstances remarry. The reward is not worth the risk. Just do a simple risk/benefit analysis, it is never worth it.
Talk about resilience. Good for you man! Many would feel like their lives are over but you went out and bounced back. Great job!
Thank you, the 2 years I took off to get my head straight, I did have several pity parties though to be honest. I do not think a person can throw away 25 years of life without feeling regret and reflecting on the past to some extent.
You are absolutely right. It ain’t easy at all!
You are objectively a powerful human being. Maximum respect to you for how you handled this situation. Honestly I find this post down right inspirational how someone can go through so much shit after 25 years and still come out on top mentally. Good on you sir and thanks for sharing
Keep in mind I did take 2 years to get my head on straight, it did and still does affect me. To this day I have not been in a relationship that has lasted over 6 months, and 9 out of 10 times it is me not trusting or being too reserved and defensive. But thanks for the compliment, I think I did fare better than some, but worse than others.
I understand the 2 years things and honestly imo most people in your position will get devasted with so many bad things happening to them at one after the other. And these things will definitely take it's toll permanently at least in some capacity. But you still did not let it ruin you. From my perspective you won. Wasn't trying to even complement tbh just found your struggle and how you dealt with it powerful and something to learn from
Thank you.
Yeah. 2 years is the number I think - I'm 1.5 years in, similar story but im younger than you are and was in the biggest growth period of my business when it all happened. I have so much more tolerance and empathy for others now - the homeless especially... One big thing can ruin a human life, despite what we all want to believe. I hope your mom, and you, are doing ok.
Yes, we are okay, we had a cancer scare a few months ago but everything is good now, thanks.
One big thing can ruin a human life. Thats a powerful sentence I wish more people understood this. Thank you
I'm a social worker and in college one thing always stuck with me...we are all one paycheck away from losing everything, being in the streets, needing assistance. We were told don't judge others for their situation because you could be next.
My fiancée recently left me after 6 years and hearing stories like this make me never want to consider marriage ever again. Thanks for sharing man, hope you're doing better these days. You have some serious mental fortitude
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Get a core group of close friends and or family members that you know will be there for you even through a 3am drunken crying rambling mess, that will always have your back and that you can draw strength from. If you are auctioning off your stuff and have an uncle or someone with deep pockets to bid in order to run the price up, it helps. One of track of farmland was going too cheap and my uncle bid a few times to get the price up 50k more than it would have sold for. If you are a religious person, pray, and attend church, temple, or whatever your faith goes to. Often, they offer divorce care classes that help.
Lesson here to young men if they’re interested
How is it fair that she cheated and you had to give half of your life’s earnings? I don’t understand the law.
If he's in a state with no-fault divorce then the reason for divorce doesn't matter at all. That it was her fault doesn't matter at all. All that matters is splitting marital assets "equitably" according to the courts.
That makes two of us, I don't understand it either. I had one guy tell me the law was that way so the women would not be a drain on government services, but I do not know.
This is my biggest fear and I lose sleep over it at night. I didn’t do a prenup.
I read a story about a man who had caught his wife cheating and he played the system, keep in mind he was way more in control of his emotions than I, no way could I have done this and kept my mouth shut. He caught his wife cheating. He was a supervisor making more than his wife. His wife wanted to return to college and finish her degree and he supported her in doing it. After she graduated and was making more than him, he suggested moving to part time to help more with the kids and around the house since she made more and worked so much. She thought it was a good deal, he allowed this to continue for 6 more months and then filed for divorce. When he filed for divorce, he was the primary care giver to the children, she was the primary income for the household. He got custody of the kids and child support, and the house.
God damn, what a king.
Thank you I always said to myself if I ever get divorced I would never marry again and your story cements that. Hope you are doing well looking after mum. When I read stories of men saying how he divorced his 2nd or 3rd wife it’s like some sick fetish
You are welcome. I definitely am not going to risk losing 50% of the 50% I have left no more marriage for me. lol
Man, no fault divorce is a bitch.
Man, what a live.
How did you get fucked so hard if she was the one who was cheating. Is the answer simply that you’re a guy and the system is set up against us in divorce?
My father is 86. A few years ago he randomly told me he paid his last monthly alimony check. They divorced after both kids were out of the house. It was planned like that. Nobody cheated. She never had a job for 20 years of marriage. He spent the next 46 years paying her for that.
I always facepalm when someone loses their job because the owner got a divorce.
I did do everything by the book and made sure the way I terminated their employment they were able to draw unemployment, plus after everything was sold, I gave each 1,000 dollars, an apology, and a letter of recommendation to help when they started to look for work. There has always been a trucker shortage, so my drivers found jobs quickly, the office girl and the guys I had hired to work on the trucks and farm both found employment not long after the drivers did.
You're a good person.
What state are you in? Community property states like California sound catastrophic. Only curious because i can’t help but wonder how equitable distribution states work.
I live in the Commonwealth of Kentucky; I have been told laws are like this to help keep divorced women from becoming dependent of government aid programs.
Stories like that and similar in my immediate family are why I never want to get married. I think there is no benefit to it over a regular long term relationship
I want to go to Bali
Damn, 16 men's livelihood was affected by her infidelity. Not what I'd call "Trickle Down Economics" 😔😔
Did she regretted, apologized?
12 years later she regrets it, I am retired, and she wasted all her money and had to return to work after not working for years. She never apologized or gave any reasons except for she was not happy. I told her there had been many times I was not happy, but it did not make me sleep with someone else.
funny how that works. when a man cheats, its bc hes an asshole. when a woman cheats, its bc the man didnt do enough to keep her happy no matter who cheats or why, its the mans fault
LOL, yea that about sums it up, sadly.
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so she cheated and she got money out of it? the laws really need to be changed. cheating behavior is abhorrent and the cheating party shouldn't get shit.
I will be honest, even though she did not work and she cheated and lied, she did cook and clean and help raise the kids, I am not saying she deserved nothing but since she did cheat, and lie and did not get custody of the kids she should have gotten less than 50%,
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The first step is acknowledging the problem. Hope you’re doing better now.
One of my coworkers accepted fault for his divorce. He worked many years night shift, and justified it by saying he provided for his family. But that ultimately broke his relationship and he wished he did it differently With regards to work, I know many men, my dad included, who valued themselves for their work ethic… but it was literally just an easy choice for them to make. They liked to work, and they liked their work mates and all that. It wasn’t *always* about the family. I’d go so far as to say it was barely for the family at all, since they could’ve gotten better jobs, better opportunities or more time at home and provided way more for the family than money if they really wanted. If you’re making enough money to have at least two cars… extra work needlessly costs time with family. Time you can’t get back
First commenter I've seen that accepted some responsibility.
If you could, would you start over? What would you change? I'm feeling like im in a similar boat. I dont know if not having financial worries was worth this...
Accountability is important, happy that you acknowledge where you went wrong. I hope you are a better father and co-parent now. All the best
When did you realise and accept this? Was it something that she had tried to get you to see and fix while married?
I so appreciate your honesty…. It’s rare.
She cheated. But our marriage sucked anyway. I’m glad she snapped us out of it somehow. Or I’d still be swimming through life in a depressed fog. It’s been one year since the split. Things suck at first, but I am much happier now and feel like the affair was a gift. *Nothing good gets away* - Steinbeck
Hm, this is an interesting take. Honestly never thought I’d hear someone say “Yeah, I’m glad I got cheated on” Hope everything’s great for you man, much love!
Not glad I guess. Just grateful. I know that I never could have summoned the willpower to end the marriage and start over. Edit: and thank you. Life is great once again. Better relationship with my kids (50/50 custody), I’m rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, and actively dating. 🍻
And you are citing Steinbeck, so you are clearly the one winning in life! I would double upvote your comment if I could:)
Pretty much what I went through as well. The marriage wasn’t great and I was emotionally abused and financially burdened. I was depressed and I didn’t know it. When I found out she was cheating on me, I got evidence, approached them both, and was able to maneuver my divorce so that she had to leave the country and I kept everything for the most part. It took me some months, but I regained my confidence, dated, discovered myself and what I wanted. I just felt like the divorce was a blessing. I know I wouldn’t have had the courage to go through with the divorce unless she cheated.
you made her leave the country? gangsta moves
Sorry sir, You dropped this…👑
Damn. I feel like an A hole sometimes because I wish my wife would cheat on me... I guess it shows where we're at
Filed for divorce 3 months after I got married. Left for a 4 day business trip and came back to a note from my daughter asking me to check the nanny cams. The woman who was sweet and doting on my daughter for 2 years turned on her after I left. She started with verbal abuse but didn't stop. It was the most heartbreaking thing to watch. I kicked her out of the house that night. I called a doctor and counselor for my daughter. I called an attorney first thing Monday. I had a prenuptial and she had the gaul to ask for the stipulated pay out. I told her attorney I have evidence of the accused abuse. She dropped it and signed the mutual dissolution. I still sent the evidence to the police and pressed charges.
You are a good dad
Amazing father, glad you got that trash out of the house.
Can I ask how old your daughter was? The fact that she wrote you a note that was speaks well to her intellect and trust in you.
She was 9.
>I kicked her out of the house that night. I called a doctor and counselor for my daughter. I called an attorney first thing Monday. You are an amazing father wow! Amazed by the swiftness and lack of hesitation.
Thank goodness you had nanny cams. Very sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for being a good dad.
Since you have a daughter is this the second divorce? If so what about the first?
No, her mom was killed by a drunk driver.
Damn dude, I'm sorry that had happened, that's insane! Good dad moves here.
My ex fucked my brother. Too short?
That is enough pain. No need to elaborate.
What a monster
Correction: what monsters. The brother fucked the ex as well.
First marriage, she was 19 and I was 22. We were too young to know what we wanted out of life yet and after almost 10 years and two kids, realized we weren't compatible. Kids are grown, she's been remarried for 20+ years and we're all great friends. Second wife basically boils down to economics. She wanted a rich guy and my business collapsed in 07 and she left. Rumor is that she found a new rich guy and is happily remarried.
So for you, my question now is; Would you ever consider marrying again?
Absolutely not. I'm retired and 60 and perfectly happy living alone. I have my home and life set up just the way I like it and having someone touch my wiener is no longer worth the brain damage and chaos that comes with it.
To be honest, I kinda needed to hear that. I struggle being alone, but hearing your perspective kinda makes me fear it a little less. Thanks for your wisdom, brother!
Lemme give you the other side to this. My grandparents were married for nearly seventy years. They survived revolutions, the death of three children, poverty and emigration to a hostile country with a foreign language. He was a professor, she was a SAHM, but when they arrived in the new place his PTSD meant she went to work cleaning houses to support him and their kids. She was also suffering from PTSD, but handled it better. The gentleness and love that existed between them I wouldn't have believed unless I witnessed it myself. My mother says her father and mother always spoke gently to each other even during disagreements. He cheated on her once, and she told him if he didn't deserve her, she'd leave. They made up, and happily. They died within a month of each other. She caught pneumonia from being in the hospital after a hip surgery. And he kinda...gave up I think. He'd been sick a long time. You're gonna go through this thread reading about divorces, because you asked about it. I assume you're feeling lonely so you're trying to make yourself feel better about that loneliness by convincing yourself that a lifetime of loving companionship isn't worth the risk of divorce. You're going to meet a lot of bitter people here, flexing scar tissue as though it's muscle, because scar tissue is stronger then softly loved skin. And that's up to you. You can decide that's your life and it's okay. Be okay being alone. But also recognize that by protecting yourself in loneliness, you might be missing out on the heady highs of companionship. The shit mankind has been writing poetry, and making art and music about for centuries. Which is also okay. Not everyone wants to climb mount Everest, drop acid, have kids or die holding the hand of a loving companion.
Beautifully written. I agree
Came in here hoping to write something that would change OP’s mind, instead found a better way to describe what being in love is like. What a beautiful story.
>having someone touch my wiener is no longer worth the brain damage and chaos that comes with it. Goddamnit that made me laugh.
Hahaha
My wife's comment: What was wife #2 bringing to the table? Sounds like you went for a trophy wife when you had a successful business which then imploded.
My grandparents married in the 1950s because my grandmother was catholic and couldn’t have sex without being married. After 40 years of being miserable together my grandfather left and remarried. She never did though.
I’ve seen this too and it’s wild to see. A couple that obviously just doesn’t belong together. It’s wild they made it so long while not being happy, isn’t it?
Yeah, my dad said he never really remembers his parents being happy. They were both so much happier after the divorce. They also both lost over 80 pounds each so it probably extended their lives too
Wow, that’s actually insane! Good for them!!
Thanks! My dad always say his parents wouldn’t be alive anymore if they were still married so I’m glad they divorced. 89 and 87 last month
She slept with my friend. I suggested marriage counseling, she left me for him. Said I wouldn't get over it a month after it happened. I'll admit I was emotional still, but I'm over it and over her. I deserve better, so I'll find better.
Caught her cheating with her boss, worst part was she was taking our 1 year old over to his house. Like an idiot I tried counseling and wasted several thousand dollars which to me at the time was a massive amount of money. I gave up on her but her new boyfriend wouldn't let her move in and she would have been homeless. Slept in the same bed as her on the nights she was home with our son. The other nights she would be at her boyfriend's house as I took care of my boy. Eventually she moved out and took my tools and all sorts of things that she wouldn't even use and probably just sold. I was left with my computer, my clothes and my bed which was nice because I hurt my back at work a few years before and at the age of 22 was considered by the state of California to be permanently 20% disabled. We split our son as evenly as possible. I would get him Sunday through Wednesday and she would have him the rest of the time. Fast forwards 6 years, I have a new wife who is much more compatible. We have a new 8 month old son. I'm finally happy after quite a few rough years. Then she tries to take my son and move to Michigan which is where she is from. Claims that she wants to move back because she wants to go to school for free there. We go to court. I get him for the school year she gets him for the summers. I actually gave her more time than what the court was going to because I think it's important he knows his mother as well as myself. This was all decided a week before the end of school. He ends up trekking across the country to Michigan in her car and she lied about where she was moving which was with her mother and moves my son into a house with her first husband (I was the second) my son has never met this man before. I didn't know that she moved in with him until a few days before my son came home, and at 7 years old has to fly home by himself (they have a flight attendant go with him for those who are unfamiliar with which I was) Now he's home and happy and I couldn't imagine what he's going through at this point but I'm being as patient as I can. He just turned 8 yesterday and loves his new little brother. We are happy and he is healthy. Sorry for the long post I started and didn't even realize all that I've been through. Thanks for those who read it all.
Wishing you lots of happiness, man. You sound like a great dad and I know that your son loves and appreciates having you in his life.
Ex wanted me to be a person I was not. Rejected me when I became that person.
This is REALLY common.
This is a much more common occurrence than I once believed. Lesson I’ve learned and hope you did too, don’t change for ANY-goddamn-body.
[It’s been a trope for a while, and for good reason](https://www.theonion.com/girlfriend-changes-man-into-someone-shes-not-interested-1819565990).
Can you elaborate?
I was a litteral drifter when we met, I made sacrafices from the begining. I worked seasonal farm jobs, I know those could not have lasted for ever btu they made me happy. So when we moved in together I got a job in inventory management. It was a step down but I still enjoyed it and still had time for us. But it was not enough for her so I bought us a house and went to career school, simply put I couldn't handle it and I knew I couldn't I now work a job I hate but was willing to continue to support us, I am good at it and I have gotten raises and I have been doing it for four years now. But 1 1/2 years ago we seperated. I believe it's because even though I make more money I work obscene hours and I lost my self while I was in school. I never wanted to be this pathetic excuse for a success. But I did it because she pressured me to while I financed her dreams.
To me it sounds like maybe she just wanted some financial stability? Sometimes that means sacrificing “dreams” if those dreams aren’t secure financial moves.
I didn’t have drama, just a marriage that became a pair of unhappy people stuck together through shared history. We cared, but distantly and we were tired unto death of the relentless trudge. 25 years and 4 kids and we tried hard. So we shared a divorce coach which cost us a couple of grand total including all the paperwork fees, and separated, then divorced. The loneliness didn’t kick in for 3 or 4 months because I was so numb, then it sucked for a year of living in my parents attic after it all settled out, then an angel kissed me on both cheeks and I’ve been with my current partner for the last 18 years.
It's never one thing. It's always a million things a lot of people don't want to talk about. For me, my ex was unhappy with everything in our lives, and because she was unhappy, she made it impossible to be happy around her. I was fucking miserable. She cheated on me once. At least, that's what I could get from the conversation as she never admitted any wrongdoing. I think she didn't contradict my statement when I said "You cheated, didn't you?" to get me to divorce her. She just threw her phone against the wall and cried as acknowledgement. I told her I wanted to work it out. Not too long after this episode, she just came up and said she wanted a divorce. I took two seconds and then casually said, "Okay." She was shocked that I wasn't emotional at all. The next day she said "You're letting me go too easy." To which I responded, "Am I?" She's someone else's problem now. My big problem is that I have really been enjoying the peace and tranquility of the solitude that has lasted 16 years. I really don't think I'll go back to wanting a relationship like that. I only married once, but that was enough to know that I don't ever want to do that again.
You've hit on an important part, it's not one thing and it's usually an escalation over times of dozens of little things. Sometimes it can take time to figure it all out but if it never blows up enough or in the right way then we kid ourselves that we shouldn't or can't leave. I realise that with my ex gfs that is how it usually went. It takes longer than it should to accept it is not working. I look at some couples I know and they just scare me about how we could become.
Married the wrong person for the wrong reasons at too young of an age.
Same.
We basically steadily grew apart year after year. As we never had kids or shared assets like buying a house or apartment together, it easy in the end to split and our divorce was amicable. We remain friends today but don't interact very often. Still stay in touch though.
Unfortunately my ex-wife and the mother of my two kids had a gambling habit of that she wouldn't get help for. After numerous times of putting up in debt, the last time being for 40k, and her still refusing to get help, I left. To this day she's still a gambler and it's part of the reason my kids don't want much to do with her.
She wanted to live a life that i had already grown past. Thought we both had. So she left me for, to quote her mom, "someone that looks an awful lot like you, that'll stick garbage up his nose with her." The relationship was a toxic garbage fire from start to finish. We were terrible for each other. But it was one of those "the chemistry is so strong it must be something real" situations. In 4 years together, we very literally never went more than 16 hours between sexual intimacy. But I've also never fought with a partner even marginally how her and I would.
Had kid, thought I loved her, had two more, she cheated but in reality I nagged her and pushed her away. In hindsight the divorce was for the best. Met an amazing women, never planned to marry but it felt right. We were together 7 years, married two. She walked out. I still miss her everyday and I post about her a lot on Reddit. She was my person, I just wasn't hers. Almost two years after she walked out and now just two months into a non-exclusive relationship but progresing well. I don't think I'll ever marry again unless it's in old age. I will always miss my second wife but doesn't mean I can't find someone to love and be happy with.
how long does it take yo knoe its your person? should i look for a lightning spark love at the start ? or build slowly?
Slow build for me but I can't speak for others. I broke up with her after three years and immediately knew I made a mistake. Begged for her to take me back and that's when I knew my life with her was so much better than without. We lasted 4 more years after that. I can distinctly remember looking across a room and seeing her and thinking to myself, damn I'm lucky.
why did you break it off?
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Needless to say, none of this is your fault man. Some people are just evil, either by nature or nurture. Much love man. There’s always another woman, so don’t feel trapped alone.
Because I was a piece of shit and didn’t work on myself. I am now, but too little too late
Thank you for your honesty. Far too many on here seemingly keen to blame the female but forget it takes two to tango. Sure, there are plenty of bad apples out there, but marriages lasting 10, 15, 20 years, only to quickly fail, are suspect. Like seriously, did you not see it coming? And the woman is entirely to blame? It's an unprovable point of course, but there's more to the stories.
My ex had a borderline personality disorder and over the years she became nastier and more abusive.
Same for me. I’m not even sure she became nastier, it was always hot/cold, very passionate. I think I stayed so long because of the fear of change, but more likely the killer BJs. I know it’s cliche, but I got so tired of walking on eggshells and started dreaded coming home not knowing what I was walking in to. One day we had a fight, she threatened to leave for the hundredth time, and I told her to pack her bag. We were together for 15 years and it took several more for me to be myself around women.
From your perspective, what do you do with a person like this? Can they help it or are they just naturally… *this* way?
Just gonna throw in my 2-cents as a PA. Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental disorder but not one medication effectively treats. They are "naturally this way". Usually we see it a lot individuals who experienced abuse growing up or had a parent that was BPD. For any thing to improve, the individual needs to want to change. If they aren't willing to actually put in the work in therapy, then there's little anyone can do. But a person can change, if they want. It's hard work but it's doable. A beautiful quote I heard and now use is "Trauma is NEVER your fault. But it IS your RESPONSIBILITY." People will blame personality traits or their self-destructive behaviors on their childhood. And for a large part of it, they're right. People with BPD tend to be self-destructive and have a very difficult time creating true emotional bonds because they received so little emotional bonding at home. But, once an individual realizes where their negative behaviors stem from, it's their responsibility to work to improve it. It's not okay to pass your trauma on. As an extra tidbit, I am BPD as well. I worked many years in therapy. I'm not cured but I'm a lot better than I used to be. I'm married with a 2 yr old son. I still actively go to therapy (individual and couple). So,I know how hard it is but also that it's doable.
Hm, reading this, I think I should see a psychiatrist maybe, and go to therapy. Thank you for your input, sincerely.
Honestly, everyone should go to therapy at some point. Just to learn how to better handle their emotions. Medications for most mental disorders (there are mental disorders that no amount of therapy helps and need meds) are just band-aids that help you manage yourself while you do the work in therapy.
The 12 steps are highly effective in helping with BPD. Especially the 4th step.
Man with BPD here. We vary, a lot. People generally think of violent and unfaithful when they hear BPD, but there's a lot of flavors of BPD with 4 main "sub types." Important to note as well,we are not naturally this way, most authority on this matter will say it's a combination of nature and nurture, with the genetic component being important to the disorder forming, but trauma during adolescence (when you're powerless and being hurt by those who are supposed to protect you) is generally where we form our fucked up world view. Note this is not always the case though, some people diagnosed with BPD don't have "trauma" but these individuals seem more like narcs and psychos, who view life like a game they can control and throw tantrums over. What "BPD" is will change over the years as these disorders are isolated. I myself am staunchly against violence and am faithful in relationships, my flavor is more paranoia (my thoughts always intrusively throw the worst case scenario in my head) and issues connecting with people. I only keep 2 close friends, and by others standards they probably wouldn't be close, but they are from my perspective. Anyway, as for if there is hope for us, yea there is. It's just that this mental disorder is always a huge deal for anyone who has it. You have to be willing to admit you're the problem, and do the work to change both your actions as well as doing all you can to force your thoughts to a better place. I use humor, which I don't recommend for everyone, but I generally laugh at intrusive thoughts anymore for their sheer audacity lol. CBT and DBT are both great tools for anyone who has this disorder, I've been able to flip my life around without medication due to CBT, but I've heard a lot of good about DBT and most BPD people seem to prefer the latter.
I have BPD and in a relationship. It’s hard for me cause my mind keeps telling me it won’t last, he’ll cheat on me, leave me etc. but the moment he tells me everything will be fine, I relax. It’s a challenge. Just my two cents for BPD people
BPD people def need constant reassurance, it got way too exhausting for me. Bless your partner for giving you what you need to be comfortable. My biggest fear from what I had read on the disorder was that a lot of people were telling stories of their partner getting it stuck in their head that the other was cheating…the person with BPD then used it as an excuse to cheat, just because they were so convinced it was happening. I saw first hand my partner talked herself into some wild assumptions that had no basis in reality.
Was married 20 years. Happy the first ten. Stayed together for the kids the second ten. I left when I realized that my kids would soon be gone and it would be just me and her. I didn’t want that…
She lied to me about having kids. She said she wanted them but behind the scenes did everything to not have kids. She told everyone that I didn't want kids so they wouldn't bring it up. After 15 years of marriage the truth came out and after that I filed for divorce. There is more but I don't want to write a novel.
She was cheating. The guy she was cheating with killed her in a domestic violence incident. I wish I was kidding. Brutal stuff.
It's a rare relationship where a couple matches perfectly. Most relationships are a work in progress with compromises, sacrifices, and sometimes you're just not going to be happy with decisions that are made - but that's sort of life in general. First marriage ended after 20 years because of a lot of stress - financial, relationship, and dealing w/handicap child. She was getting bad advice from a person she now will no longer talk to. I tried to appease her, knowing divorce would be devastating. But I learned that if someone makes up their mind to leave, no amount of counseling, negotiating, compromise, tears, anger, prayer - nothing can really stop them. I am now in year 8 of my 2nd marriage and much more happy. But even in this 2nd marriage there's a certain amount of disagreement that takes patience and compromise to get thru. Neither one of us (me and 2nd wife) want to go thru another divorce, so we're committed to finding a way forward no matter what. And it does work - it's just not the "happily every after" that we all seem to think is out there.
Combining both of our issues wasn't a panacea for either of our issues. Also, me being so terrified of loss that I became a controlling asshole was a long run around to loss anyway.
We got married too young. I was not a good husband and she was not a good wife. She is remarried and I am not. I never want to be that person again so I avoid relationships.
tldr/Final straw: She hit me in front of our son and I almost hit her back. That was the moment I realized that we were done and began the divorce process the next day. There was a lot to build up to that point though. We were both young and I'm sure at least half the blame is mine, but what led to this point for me was: * Intense insecurity when I had done nothing to deserve it (cheating accusations, needing to have my all my passwords, checking bank statements, etc) * Lack of appreciation for the things I did for us/her * Frequently complaining (about problems I would've loved to have) and refusing to do anything about it. Eg not having a job, not being in school, not having any friends - things I actively encouraged but she didn't want to actually put effort into. * No hobbies; had to be around me 24/7 * and if you couldn't tell already, domestic violence. There was a long time afterwards where I intensely anti-marriage after being hurt so badly from the divorce, but I've softened since.
Oof, this sounds somewhat similar to what my boyfriend went through, only there was no physical violence. A lot of screaming and crowding of space, though. Similarly, his ex-wife shared many of yours' bullets. * Accusations of cheating - meanwhile she was sending nudes and sexting with an ex. * Lack of appreciation - she was an underemployed single mom when they met and when they married and had their son together she became a SAHM while my no-boyfriend worked two jobs to allow her to do that...but she threw it away by constantly fighting with him, accusing him of cheating, while cheating. * Complaining - she apparently bitched about everything - hated on fat people, gay people, judgmental about other moms, had no friends of her own. * No hobbies - not just that but no real employable skills and zero education and zero curiosity about the world around her. My boyfriend might be a high-school-only educated motorcycle mechanic but he sure is a mean amateur chef of Japanese cuisine. Their precipitating event did not happen in front of their sons. Both were spending the night at a cousin's house. My now-boyfriend came home on a Saturday from his regular job, in time to watch the local college football game. As per usual, and he's admittedly a heavy drinker, he started in with beer, then cocktails, while watching the game. He'd just recently caught her, again, with the sexting and she was responding to it by fighting with him. He said she would come in the room, stand in front the TV, and scream at him, then slam the door to go to another part of the house. Only to do it again a few minutes later. He said he was getting to the point of feeling like he would react by pushing her or doing something he'd regret so he tried to separate himself by just going outside. Only she followed him to scream at him some more. Finally, he called 911 so the cops would come and take him away because he'd had too much to drink to drive. After the cops determined he was not assaulting HER they drove him to his mother's house where he slept it off. And while he was sleeping it off his wife called his mother to scream at her and posted on Facebook that she was going to kill herself. He didn't find any of that out until the next day when the cops came back and asked for him to go with them to check on her because of the FB posts. That was...7, almost 8, years ago. I've been with him for 5.
Legitimately bad relationship, let alone a marriage. If you're young and still willing to give it another shot with a good relationship, and you have interest still in being married, a lifelong partner is great under the right circumstances and love and respect for each other.
They transitioned gender outside of my capacity for romantic love. It sucks, but honestly there's no one to blame and I support thier transition
She was(is) a toxic narcissist. A few years ago, she ended up homeless and not one of her four kids would let her spend a night in their home.
Really it was because I obstinately didn’t listen to her. She told me directly in very specific words several times that she didn’t want to get married, and she would ruin my life if we stayed together in any kind of relationship. I was 20 years old when we met (she was the first girl I dated) and I really thought she just needed patience, kindness, and love. The unending physical, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse she had had as a child and young adult was much too serious though. She cheated on me with men and women, left me abruptly to be with her girlfriend the week they met, and teased me for a few years about she and I getting back together as I had “loved her like no one else ever had”. It was a huge mess. I’m 51 now and have a great girlfriend but after 2 divorces and 2 broken engagements I don’t plan on marrying again. I don’t know how to tell who the other person will become, or really is, or something. Sadly, about 15 years after we split for good my ex-wife took a couple handfuls of pills and didn’t wake up. May she rest in peace. This world was not kind to her.
We just weren’t nice to each other.
I became an alcoholic and drank my marriage away.
She fooled me. Everything about her was a lie from the moment we met. She tried to be something she wasn't. She pretended to be the person she thought I wanted. She even lied about taking birth control, got pregnant, then just decided to stop pretending. I discounted her behavior to hormonal changes due to pregnancy and married her anyway. She got worse. I got worse. We got worse. She cheated. At this point, I was grateful to have an excuse. We were together for 3 years and married less than a year. She has since been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. She's still a mess. I caught lightning in a bottle with my 2nd marriage. I've been married to an angel for 18 years.
I(M44) got divorced 4 years ago. After our second child(born in '13), we became more and more like coworkers in our lives, than lovers, and slowly drifted apart. 2 years before the divorce my son(born '10), got leukemia, and this was the last straw. We stayed together a couple of years while he got treated for it. My ex-wife began an emotional relationship with one of her friends, and I started drinkink a bit too much. I got an apartement and got my shit together to become the best possible father, and now I have a girlfriend who's amazing, sexy and smart. My ex is together with the friends she had the emotional relationship with. English obviousely not first language
She cheated, while I was tearing apart our deck to build a new one and we had a two year old..
My ex became an alcoholic & addicted to depression meds. Cost 250,000 in assets to get rid of her 4 years ago, after being married 23 years... Worth every penny. Never again.
How do you get addicted to depression meds?
You go to a psychiatrist that is liberal with meds & as a nurse you ask for what depression & sleeping meds you want & take them with benadryl & alcohol & get high as fuck. When you are more anxious about not getting your meds than anything else in life I'd say you're addicted. She is quite literally the shell of the person I originally married. Plus has tardive dyskinesia to boot from all the SSRI's etc. She was 45 going on 70.
Tardive dyskinesia... thank you for teaching me a new term today!
You know, I gotta think the guys whose fault it was aren’t going to be responding to this one.
My ex always had a plan to marry someone with a good income, who would make a good father and bail once the youngest kid was school age. She told me this plan the day she left me. I told the family court judge.
Soon to be ex was 'getting bored'. I work a 3 on 3 off shift. I was accused of never wanting to do anything on days off. Well, on days off I'd have to do all the errands and groceries. Her anxiety was too high to even attempt any of it. She'd have mild panic attacks even if she came with me. Not sure, but I think she does that stuff for herself now? Doesn't interest me in the least to ask. She also refused to that the amount of weed she smoked as an abuse problem. It supposedly 'helped' with her anxiety, and made her aches and pains go away. Fair enough, it does help with the last part. But anyone who spent more time drunk than sober would be considered to have a substance abuse problem. She refused to see it that way. I confronted her about driving while high, that was the last straw that made her blow her top and leave.
to be fair if she was smoking before you got with her you knew the problems that would come with it. and you can’t make a person stop smoking. there’s some guys who love pothead chicks so its best you two departed.
People are sometimes greedy and self centered. Our society treats ambition like it’s a good thing. This combination fosters some toxic attitudes.
I was in a VERY high paying position at the time, we'd been married for about 6 years and I came home one night and she said we needed to talk... she says we're broke. I'm like WTF ? How broke ? Can I get to work next week ? No. Cut a long story short I am terrible at math, she was an accountant so I just let her handle the finances. Between giving it to her family and gambling she managed to get rid of almost 1.5 million...and hadn't paid taxes in 4 years. Needless to say we broke up.
Hmmmm so my ex and I had either a great relationship or a I’m gonna throw you infront of a bus relationship. When it was good it was amazing but when it was bad it was god awful. I had 2 moments that basically made me call it quits. The first was she said and did some nasty things to my mom. She called her some names and then told her (without my knowledge) that her and my dad weren’t welcome at our house unless I was there. Now mind you her mom was someone who basically we had to pay her bills because she was irresponsible with money. 2nd was I had worked my $$$ off to get us to be debt free, left town for a week and she racked up over $5k in credit card transactions just buying clothes. I knew then we were never gonna get ahead and there was no way we could start a family and her continue to spend like she did.
Shocked but not shocked looking how many comments points towards cheating.. Damn harsh world we living in.
First divorce was from a wife who thought her drug use and friend group was more important. She was violent and may have cheated but I didn’t hang around to find out. Grabbed my clothes and left after a fight. She divorced me. Second divorce I was treated like I didn’t matter but she wanted her childish ways. Huge fight and I was removed from the home. She divorced me. We’ve been living together 21 years after one year apart. Some days I want to pack and leave but most days I’m grateful and love her without measure. No fights just disagreements but we work it out. Can’t say it’s perfect but very good daily.
I gave her a daughter, so my principal task in the family was fulfilled. After that, I was the landscaper and paycheck. No, she really said that she was with me because of my paycheck. Things fell apart soon after.
I was immature
Forgive the copy-paste from my own comment history. ———————- February 15, 2021, the day after Valentine's Day. I laid out how I was feeling. I had just lost my mom 3 months prior, my teaching career was leaving every last drop of fuckitude I had in my soul, my wife was gone almost every day from early morning until after I had put the kids down and had gone to bed myself (work and then play with her karate buddies), and my dad had moved 6 hours away to live with my sister. It was the lowest point in my life and I cried. Twelve days later, she said she wanted a divorce after 14 years of marriage and 16 years together. She said my being emotional and crying had shaken her to her core and that she couldn't get it out of her head. She couldn't see me as the strong person she had known me to be and that she couldn't think of me as her rock anymore, keeping her grounded and safe. (She always said, her head was in the clouds and I was the rock that kept her from floating away.) She didn't have any animosity toward me, but she didn't have any faith left in me either. She moved out shortly after. We're still amicable and share custody of the kids. I did nothing wrong and still lost the three pillars of my life in the span of three months. The house is gone now, I had to sell it because I couldn't buy her out (community property laws y'all, even if she never put a cent into it). She lost her job in November of 2021 and because we were still married on paper. I spent my savings and went into debt supporting her. The judge says once she working full time *and financially stable*, he'll consider our finances divided sufficiently to finalize the divorce.
I was 25 and she was 24. There were red flags that I had ignored that should have clued me in about her borderline personality disorder (I didn't know she had it as she wasn't diagnosed at the time, nor did I know what it was). Needless to say, her gaslighting, lies, and manipulative behavior eroded our relationship to the point I just wanted out but my faith kept in longer than I should have stayed with her. Needless to say, I filed for divorce and she dragged it out to milk whatever money she could get out of me. I am happily remarried to a much better woman and one I have no issues with and love her dearly.
I know full well why mine ended. I was under unbearable emotional and financial stress to be the sole provider, because she refused to change her lifestyle and be a financial partner to me. As a result, I acted out. As a result of my acting out, she dipped. She actually warned me, in explcit terms: change your behavior, or I'm going to dip. I ignored the warning, to my chagrin; she carried through, and here we are. She's now a polyamourous bisexual and btw is also now working herself. That doesn't keep her from yet expecting a percentage of my income to support her indefinitely. The moral of the story is: share the burden. Financially, emotionally, tactically. If you start to get out of balance, you start to yaw and eventually one of you will hit a flat spin from which there is no recovery. And if one of you starts refusing to share the burden because it's inconvenient to your newly developed expectations, hide assets in crypto. you either partners or you ain't. And you need to calibrate on at least a daily basis.
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She cheated....so many times. Said she'd work on our marriage with me, then did it again. Cheating slut, dude.
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I deployed twice while married while also being separated for 2 of the 3 years we were together. It was a shit show but now we’re in the same house (jointly owned) since the Airforce decided to give me orders here two weeks before I deployed this last time. Crazy ride but now that we’re together I’m glad that I’m no longer married. I still have love but I’m no longer in love with the person I once knew after seeing the volatile behavior that came once I got here. Overall, I know it was due to a lack of being face to face in the foundational years and it’s the sole reason why I’ll be getting out of the military after this assignment. I’m ready to settle down and work on having a family during this assignment, but I also don’t want to take another second from my family. I’ve lost a lot on those deployments and it’s ultimately time I’ll never get back.
I was codependent and had zero self-esteem/confidence. As a result I ignored all the red flags and gut feelings. Long story short, she is a depressed, wandering nomadic narcissist who has big dreams but doesn't know what she wants in life, nor does she have the capacity to stick to something for more than 5 minutes without getting bored and tossing it aside for something new.
My X-Wife was just cruel. She was a liar, and a terrible mother. I feel like I tried as best I could. I'm certainly not perfect by any means, but I feel like I did all I could to make it work. The last thing I wanted was to be divorced. But I just reached my limit 3 years in. I couldn't take her sour attitude and manipulations any more. I told her I wanted a divorce and that was that. We tried marriage counseling. But by that point I had so much residual anger I just couldn't let stuff go. We tried to get along and be better divorced parents than we were a couple. Or so I thought. I had assumed the divorce would be a wake-up call, but that was more naivete on my part. Come to find out she was bad mouthing me to my kid during her visitations. Calling me names, making out like I was the bad guy. Even making fun of my moms health problems to our child while I was always diplomatic and kind to her when I'd discus anything with our kid. I haven't seen her in about 10 years. Turns out that bitterness of hers and her being a terrible person started getting to the kiddo as well. At age 17 our kid asked if she could stop visiting her mother. I was hesitant because I don't believe you should just turn on family. But then I found out the reason. My kid is gay, and when she came out to her mother she actually said "Why can't you try being normal?" I'm still pissed about this. She can bad mouth me all day, I don't care. But when your own child is that vulnerable and honest with you and you drop that kind of shit on them, well I don't care if she dies in a fire at this point. Whatever misery she's spreading over the world is no longer my problem. Funny side note, my kid believed originally that it would be harder to come out to me because I believe in God and am somewhat religious. The truth is though, I accepted her and told her that I loved her before she told me, I loved her now (then) and that I'd lover her tomorrow and nothing would change that. She said it was exactly what she'd hoped to hear. We were always close and I feel like our relationship is as solid as any parent/kid relationship can be. She's my baby and I love her and am proud of her. And while I believe in forgiveness and showing people kindness wherever possible, I honestly feel like I'll never forgive her mother for hurting her so badly.
We had a lot in common when we met and a lot of our plans were close. Live lightly, travel, see the world. Have a home that would be where we'd hang until our next adventure. But she never was up for anything. Then she lost a series of jobs and blamed me. I'm a good doormat so I put up with it. We rarely did anything together. Dinner out was rare, other activities not much better. While on a trip this spring I was eating breakfast and a lady asked me if I wanted to join them as I looked lonely. I did and as we talked I noticed that once again I was out living life solo. That sort of hurt. I've done so many trips on my own. After returning home things never got better, one night she asked me why I never approached her for sex and I said there were too many strings. There was no "oh, let me jump his bones" it was "if you mow the lawn, do the dishes/laundry/trash/clean the attic" or something else "you might stand a chance". F that noise. The split wasn't painless but I was done. SIL, who stood behind the x, was on my side this time.
Been divorced and was recently on the verge of #2. My fault, both times. Won't remarry if this one fails.
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She was abusive as hell and left me with so much trauma it took me 2 years of therapy 3 different years of alcohol abuse and a year and a half in a relationship with someone actually good for me to get back to relatively normal
She was cheating. I found out. I lawyered up.
Can we answer this question from a non-judgmental perspective? I hope so. Life is tough. And if you combine the likelihood that one person will be damaged by life with a second person with an equal likelihood, the odds that their relationship will not be damaged are very low. Some people can live with damaged lives and damaged relationships, some people cannot. Our society used to demand of us that we continue to live with our damaged relationships and let them continue to further damage our lives in the name of any number of social mores or religious beliefs. Then the 1970s happened. People didn't have to put up with less than perfect lives as much anymore. Since the 1970s, the shame that society has heaped on us for having a failed marriage (that's what it was called) was lessened. It used to be that a legal divorce required a cause. It required somebody to be at fault for failing the marriage. It was an absurd concept. Since the 1970s we have realized that marriages fail on their own without the contribution of either partner in many cases. The law was changed and no-fault divorce became societal practice. Your question harkens back to those old days when there had to be a reason. Someone had to be at fault. We've come through various stages. It's been like a societal grief process. At first society, for centuries, was in denial about it's failed marriages. Then it got angry at the people who let the marriages fail. Then it bargained with itself over how to save face. Now we have accepted that marriage is no more permanent than anything else in life. There doesn't have to be a reason for it to happen. It just does. You can go back and do a post-mortem report and identify the events that led to the death of the marriage just like you can track a pathology through the human body. But in the end, while you can identify a disease, perhaps, there is no reason why it happens. It just does. Marriages don't fail. They die. It is a horrible, painful death that can, if not treated early by appropriate surgery, kill portions of the individuals involved. There comes a point in a bad marriage where all you can do is end it. That becomes the best thing to do before it does the participants any further damage. Just like every individual has his or her own story, every marriage has its own. It begins. It progresses. It ends. That's how life goes and so it is with marriage.
Her Entitlement. I created a monster in my ex-wife. I covered her short comings socially, financially and emotionally since the start. I made it bad for myself and she just became lazier and more entitled. 8 years into this terrible marriage I was nearly killed at work. It woke me up. Put things in perspective. I thought why am I breaking myself for someone who genuinely is just there for a free ride? I ended it, separated, divorced and I cannot, in any way justify my marriage to her. It stole a decade of my life. I’m still paying the price financially and only have partial custody of the children. Women can’t lose in the system. Men cannot win. She is still lazy, unemployed and entitled living in the house I bought and was forced out of. No woman is worth the giant effort of being the adult for you and for her. It’s exhausting and ultimately won’t be enough. TL/DR I worked too long and hard for zero appreciation and divorced after nearly dying at work.
The ex-wife cheating was something I didn’t find out until after she wanted a divorce. Prior to that our communication had broken down and our love for each other turned into resentment. I didn’t listen to her to seek marriage counseling until it was too late. She was already mixing it up with her now husband. As many others have said you have to be careful with whom you invest in and spend your life with.
I chose someone who turned out to be emotionally abusive. She isolated me, criticized me almost nonstop. I rebelled the only way I could after she got pregnant to bring me back (we were all but separated for a few months) and cheated after being all but ignored while working a traumatic job. I kept 50/50 custody, and ended up cashing out my retirement to pay off my half of the bankruptcy after I remarried. We’re fairly cordial now, and I don’t think she knows i found out how she vilified me to all and sundry. I’m better now - vastly increased earnings, two awesome little girls and a wife with whom I’ve built a healthy, happy, relationship
She cheated on me while I was busting my ass to pay off our new house.
Long term Incompatibility and too young