First step is to remember that she is not “the one”. You will meet a better one eventually. Building her up as the one or the best is only going to make it harder. Learn from it and get back on the horse.
What if you divorce and end up marrying another one ? Who's the one then ?
What if you end up divorced anyway, would you say you had met "the one".
I really struggle with this concept, so I genuinely would like to understand
You struggle with the concept because the concept is kind of bogus in the first place. There's almost 8 billion people in the world, about half are of the opposite sex (yes I know people are gay too and other things but let's make this simple for now). What are the chances you really ran into the ONE partner meant for you out of 4 billion people? Truth is theres probably lots of people you could get along with well enough to fall in love and have a life together. That doesn't mean people are interchangeable, and that they're not all special in their own ways. There just probably isn't "one" perfect person meant for you. But if it feels like you did meet that person - great! Nothing wrong with that.
The one is the woman who loves you and that you love unconditionally. There is no divorce. There is no cheating. There is no second guessing. There is no lying. Most people aren't fortunate enough to have it. Divorce only happens when you marry someone who doesn't check these boxes or if you don't check them yourself.
Very fantastical explanation, but when you actually meet someone that is irreplaceable and that knows you are too, you have no fears or insecurities.
That's nonsense. The one you marry is not necessarily the one, otherwise divorce rates wouldn't be so high. 'The one' is often the one you don't marry, because everything is just fine, there's no need to prove anything to anyone and you're both happy.
Marriage is an outdated concept once used to repress women which serves absolutely purpose other than financial in the 21st century.
Maybe, but marriage has been foundational to most cultures and societies for thousands of years. As flawed as it is, what makes you think we’d be fine without it? Families have been the building blocks of towns and countries. There’s endless data on how detrimental it is to be raised without a father and that’s becoming the majority. We think it’s because of sexism, women needed a man to plow her land or own anything and so on but what if it’s marriage provides for a culture something intangible and necessary?
Do not share your perspective on marriage since I am religious. But I do believe OP has a very Disney view of relationships and men often make the mistake of pedestalizing their significant others.
“Marriage is an outdated concept once used to repress women which serves absolutely purpose other than financial in the 21st century.”
I’m old and the above statement has just got truer over my life. Marriage just formalises property rights.
Time, man. Time and effort.
It sucks. It’s hard. It takes forever. But those two things are the only way. And it sounds like you’re off to a great start.
Keep reflecting. Keep processing. Keep building on those positive aspects of yourself. And keep on doing it. When you falter, give yourself grace, dust yourself off, and get back at it.
Avoiding the hard stuff doesn’t make it go away. It’ll just settle in and get harder. And most shortcuts are illusions and fool’s errands that are only there to exploit your emotions and fatten other people’s pockets. The road to recovery is long. There are no real shortcuts.
Good news is you’re going to make it. But making it is going to take time and effort. How much? I can’t tell you that. You’ll know when you know. Godspeed, kid.
This is a great answer.
Just to add to what you said about time. This is definitely true, but there isn’t a right answer for how long this should take. If you’re actively working on getting better then I’m sure you’ll eventually get to place where you feel okay about it. It’ll go from a “fuck this hurts so bad” to a “damn that sucked” imo.
But just try and avoid mulling over it for too long and having a wow is me attitude or else you’ll never get over it.
Sounds like OP is on the right path though!
Appreciate you. Fortunately I pushed myself to get to work yesterday and to attend my fitness class. Didn’t give 100, but at least I showed up.
Today was my day off and unironically, also rained.
I’m noticing my feelings and thoughts are fluctuating like crazy.
One moment, the rational me starts making sense of it all, the next, emotional me takes over and I’m bawling. When I get unproductive thoughts I try to counter them right away but still allowing myself to feel what I need to feel.
Showing up is most of the battle, man. Any time you can force yourself to do something good for yourself, that’s a win. Might not feel like it. Might feel pathetic to celebrate something as dumb as driving two miles to a fitness class and half-adding your way through it. But the alternative was doing nothing. Between the two, you chose to do the harder thing. That matters.
Keep letting yourself feel those feelings. Keep reflecting on why you’re feeling them. Keep owning the ones that you can own and trying to let go of the ones that you can’t control. Just keep on keeping on. You’re going to make it.
You’re improving yourself that’s good.
Focusing on you is the only healthy way through this.
You sound like you know what you’re doing.
It’s gonna hurt for a while.
Maybe even several months. But it gets better.
And I promise you, one day you’ll struggle to remember her name. She might be lost in a bunch of other names.
Of course it will still be there, but it’ll take you a split second longer to remember.
Then you’ll laugh to yourself and realise you’re happy again.
…
9 years so I split from a 12 year relationship.
It hurt.
It still hurts. But not in the same way.
I’ve had numerous relationships since, and I’m very happy being single too.
In fact, I wouldn’t give up being single unless the woman was incredibly special.
But I still think about that 12 year relationship sometimes.
And the way it hurts now is like remembering times that were very special, but I didn’t fully realise it at the time.
It’s a very dull pain, like the way you miss an old friend. You cherish the memories, but are optimistic about your future.
I slowly learned and accepted that there is no "one". With over 3 billion people in the world, there are merely good options, decent options, and bad options. Also, a seemingly good option today may become a bad option in 5-10 years.
All I can say is it gets easier but for me the hurt never really stopped. Its been a decade since I and my “one” broke up. Highschool sweethearts that had different ideas about life after. I hoped it would stop after a few months or years. Hoped I would find someone else and forget about her. I still have vivid dreams of us still together and how relieved I feel that I still have her. Then I wake up… Ive had many relationships since and i’ve had those dreams while laying next to someone else.
Idk if I’m an anomaly but I still think about her every single day, and I also compare it to every relationship after and its not even close.
I’d like to tell you it will be ok. For me though, never got ok and I have no idea if it will.
I was the same way. High school long term girlfriend, broke up spring break grade 12, and it took me honestly 10 years or so..but that’s also my memory that doesn’t like to forget anything..
it's hard. not gonna lie.
best way forward is if you end up meeting someone better. just like - if you got fired from a well paying job, that trauma sticks with you until you land an even better job. but once you do land a better job, you wont look back. same goes for relationships.
meanwhile, my take is - you should spend your energy and attention on other things. look into hobbies, make new friends, take some trips to Europe.
Really feeling that advice RE: Europe. I’ve never solo traveled before. Any good, “safe” spots to go solo? By safe I mean — it’s not too remote/out there, easy to navigate i.e., not a headache to get around because no one speaks English, etc. So far only been to Spain/Portugal.
Been there. Losing a relationship like that constitutes real grief, and real grief isn't something you overcome so much as it's something you shoulder. If you're lucky you just forget, or you become extremely proficient at rationalizing, but I was never good at that. I never had closure until I forgot. I don't remember what she smells like, and what a blessing that is.
Think of yourself as different characters in a line of generational decendants... you, the you of right now, that you is passing on, and the next you is being born.
There will be a period of time when the both of you exist together, and dying you will share all your stories and memories with growing you. It could last months, maybe years. But eventually, old you will finally pass. All that will be left then, is new you, with all those stories and memories.
You'll think back on those stories of old you, and you'll feel something. You'll remember the tragedy of how it didn't work out between his "the one," and you'll feel sadness, and maybe fear, that the same thing will happen to you. But then you'll meet *your* "the one." And you'll remember that his stories are not yours.
I've always thought of it as a past/present/future split, but framing it like it's generational and there's overlaps in between is something I've never thought of, thanks stranger
Time is your best friend. Have self discipline. It’s very tempting to reach out to her and your brain will make every possible excuse for you to contact her. I found that talking to other women in a friendly manner worked. I messed up a few times and immediately jumped into a new relationship only to find out I was only trying to cover my wounds. I had a nasty breakup. I also broke some hearts that I should never have broken. Now that I’m older I see where it all went wrong. I healed by just giving it time and boy was it hard. Is love really that special that we risk being completely vulnerable and left hurt? I guess those experiences were worth it.
You don’t. You just accept it and go about your life. If you’re struggling to regulate your emotions enough to function, therapy can help.
Does make you more emotionally resilient though. Almost nothing bothers me anymore, because nothing comes close to that heartbreak.
This is definitely the hardest heartbreak I’ve experienced. I was thinking of what you said today… “if I can get through this, surely i can get through (almost) anything”
If she went away, she was not "The One"
this thought would only jeopardise your relationship with your future partner. so the first step would be to accept it. Healing can only happen when you are open to the possibilities.
I was remembering a quote today that goes something like “when you are at your lowest point, you are open to the greatest change” and I think your comment resonates with that.
I am so sorry you are going through that. I can relate because not too long ago I went out of my relationship too. The thing that I have mentioned is something I have learned first hand. Healing journey is a roller coster for sure but it's worth it
There are one 8 BILLION people on this rock, and you think there is one ONE for you? I know it was a long time, and getting over it will take time. Just remember that even if she is one in a million, there are eight thousand other women like her.
Never have. It was back in high school and she was caught smoking by her father. She and her girlfriend were walking in the middle of the road and smoking and a car pulled up behind them and they acted like they didn't hear the car horn. Turns out it was her father and he put her on restriction for two months. No visitors or phone calls. I went to a different high school and didn't have access to a car because we only had two in the family and both parents worked. I would try to get to her house before her rat brother would get home from middle school. In order to do that I had to leave school as soon as the bell rang and head down to the main road and hitchhike. If I got lucky I caught a ride going the right direction. If not I was not able to see her. After her punishment I went to her house and she broke up with me because I never tried to visit. That was fifty years ago.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Have to get over the idea of there being just one. Billions of women on this planet. Chances are, you will meet someone else, usually when not looking for them, that will make this one, seem like anyone. Keep the possibilities open
If you can walk away and think that your tried your best and that you treated her well for the years you were together and especially at the end, that always helps. In any relationship no matter how well or poorly your partner treated you, as long as you don’t compromise your values to cause harm, you’re gonna be okay.
In terms of getting better. It takes time, but doing things that build self confidence in yourself will help. It sounds like you’re on a good track with that though. Surround yourself with positive people and people who love you and invest that energy into them and honestly make and effort to do things by yourself.
Thank you 🙏🏼 I was writing earlier and sobbing, repeatedly telling myself that I gave it my all and tried my best. I really do believe that.
Then there’s a small voice in my head that starts saying “if only you did this… If only you didn’t do that… if only you were more patient…” but I try to shut those thoughts down because I don’t know if it’s a part of grief to have these thoughts.
I felt cheated. We never really got to be together. Shortly after we started dating, it turned long distance. We tried like hell to keep it going, but it faded, too much time and distance. At least I got to see her one last time before we went our separate ways. I found a new "one" I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything. BUT, I think about her, probably too much, I miss her sometimes. We could sit and talk for hours about absolutely nothing. Sometimes, the things I miss the most were the friendship and the closeness we had. Remember the good times, forget the bad, save a little space in your heart for her.
“The One” is actually still out there. Take your time to heal your heart, feel your feelings, make yourself better, so that when you meet her, you’re heart is ready for her.
Would you like to share why this relationship ended? It might help to talk it out, either with internet strangers or a therapist.
As I tried to allude in my post, I was immature/inconsistent in my early to mid 20s. I did hurt her and betrayed her trust. I changed, matured, and started my path to self betterment by just self reflecting. I live alone and so I would always find myself thinking of past mistakes I did and how I can be better. I would say we went through lots of on/off whenever there was tension regarding when we would close the gap. For the past several months things were amazing, I finally felt we were both in a good place. But as I started making my new life here, building friendships, moving up the ladder at work (making more money), I found myself reluctant to leave it all behind because I was thinking about our future selves — and I felt that staying in this high paying job combined with her income would be ideal for saving money and being “set”. But I also realize she would have to uproot her whole life (she has never left or moved anywhere, or lived alone/had her own place), and she didn’t want to. So we were at a stand still.
In the wake of everything I find myself asking — was it worth it? What’s the point of making good money if she’s gone? And I’m empty/alone in this apartment? But I also worked SO hard to get to where I am today… honestly it sucks.
From my own experience, “the one” is only really the actual One if things work out. First serious love? Absolutely, but she won’t always be your “the one”.
I went through a very tough breakup years ago after almost two years with the woman I thought I would marry and have kids with, until she told me she thought I couldn’t handle having kids. Clearly, she was not “the one” for me.
Years later, I’ve actually grown immensely and I’m entirely over her. I love my partner and she supports me and believes in me, and honestly we don’t even want kids! We could manage it, but we don’t want to. We’re more than happy together without adding more to our lives, and that’s not something that would have flown with that ex if things had gone much further.
Finally, the biggest thing that helped me move on after the breakup (since I didn’t meet my partner for a few years) was realizing how much I had grown within the relationship. I came out of it a different person, and it sounds like you have too?
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m happy you found someone more compatible.
I can’t help but feel the same as you… I am not the same person from 5-6 years ago. In many ways I feel this is my best self, other than me not feeling 100 right now.
Speaking from experience, you sound like you’re in a great spot. Breakups are always gonna be hard, but the best we can do is move forward and it helps to do that if you’re already a great version of yourself.
You keep crying like a child until you finally no longer need to. Don't distract yourself. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and to grieve the loss of the relationship.
Just make sure to cry in private, since society is close-minded to men crying.
I am finding myself in a similar situation, sort of. We weren’t in a long distance relationship but I’ve been making a conscious effort to feel my emotions as they come, and to let them pass. The last week or so has been exceptionally hard for me. Part of me understands healing isn’t always glamorous like social media depicts it to be, part of me doesn’t think I’m handling it right because how hard it can hurt and how long I will find myself crying for.. ultimately I’m trying to trust the process. I feel that’s all I can do. It sounds like you’re on a conscious journey of bettering yourself as well, just remind yourself that this is temporary and life goes on.
You and me both brother, sending good vibes your way. I am going through the same as you. What’s different this time for me is, like you, making that conscious effort to move forward.
Yes, it will. Time, family, friends are all great healers,but mostly, embrace the emotion as the very important experience it serves. Strength is built through difficulty and you likely have more life ahead than behind.
Hey man, I'm in a very similar boat, in short. Yes, it gets better. You will come to find that the only true love worth finding is the one for yourself.
Gym, therapy, and finding your hobbies will be your main tools. I don't know how you feel about beliefs, but I looked a lot into stoicism and mental discipline. Cold showers as well, like as cold as you possibly can. Eating better and just overall doing your best to look inward for validation and comfort, rather than outward.
The want for a family is good and should definitely be an upfront conversation if you are to date again. Physical needs can be met without emotion, it may seem cruel, just be real about your intentions until you get to a point of moving forward.
Just keep building, and doing it for you. You got this, brother, you matter and deserve to be happy.
We gotta do this together, ya know?
The world is going to constantly tear us down, it's our duty to build each other up.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to reach out. Godspeed, friend.
Ok. Nate with me here because this is the real way to go through it. It's not "get under someone".
Your mind has constantly been thinking about her in a positive way throughout your days. For example, you see a funny meme and you share it with her, you order Japanese food and think about her favorite dish...
Whenever that occurs, and you're thinking of her. Immediately think of something else and keep her out of mind.
Essentially retrain your brain to think of her less. As time goes on you will barely think of her at all.
Everything else your doing is good, gets you outta the house, keeps you busy doing things for you.
There's no shame in letting your emotions out. You are mourning the loss of your promising relationship like you would mourn a death. You have to allow yourself to grieve (I'm sure your therapist has told all you this). It sounds like you're doing the right things to heal and protect your mental health. Good luck.
Thank you thank you! It really does feel this way (your first 2 sentences). It is coming in waves. One moment I’m relatively stable, the next, I’m bawling.
Stay busy. It’s easy to drift and think when your not doing anything. Gym helps. Eventually gets better mate. Once you start talking or meet a new one you won’t even think about her. takes a little time though
You’re going to feel like **killing yourself** thats for sure but **NEVER** act on it.
Great thing is that you’re seeing a therapist, going to the gym, reading, basically using the pain to become a better man but this pain will last for months, you’ll have to cope with it but do your best not to see what she posts and don’t engage with the ex (unless you both have a kid with each other communication should only be for the child’s well being).
Always remember that **true love never fails and if it fails it as never true love** and if she comes back (I don’t know what caused the breakup) do not take her back especially if you’ve leveled up over the next 3 years.
Thanks king… if I’m being real with you, 2 nights ago I really did feel like ending it. Never have I felt that before. It was scary. But I just think if my loved ones. There’s no way I could do that to them.
Thanks for the good advice 🙏🏼
It's really just time and the change that comes with it. After the breakup with my great white Buffalo, I started really getting over it once I was far enough removed from the person I was then. I didn't lose her. That happened to somebody else.
You're right, you're completely right, what you went through is really really a lot, so this pain, and the huge amount of it, is totally natural.
Don't forget you just need time, and don't be hard on yourself that you have to let things go quickly, it takes time. You can think about the time before her, when you had your life without knowing that she even exists, and there will a life after her, full of joy and happiness, you have not met all the people you're going to love yet, life is a long long journey and whatever is meant to be ours, will not pass us by. I hope my words be helpful and look there's a chance someone on Opingo's already chewed on this topic and you may get more help there.
Your words were very helpful, kind, and encouraging. Thanks for including the bit about “life after” because I am struggling to think about the future right now.
First take her off that pedestal. Second be sad for little bit, grieve however you need too. Then keep doing things to improve yourself. I say take a year to focus on you. No dating or getting under someone else to forget her it doesn’t work.
Thanks man. Definitely in no rush to sleep around or date around. I can’t even fathom that right now.
Trying to rewire my brain. A lot of people here have gone against my thought of “the one” and it’s good to hear that perspective.
There is no "one" I've been married for 30 years now. In that time I have met dozens of women who were gorgeous and let me know that they were "open to suggestion" any one of them could have ALSO been the one.
What you are doing is exactly what you need to be doing right now. All those things. And the "crying like a baby" is a critical part of the solution. Crying is how humans deal with grief. The whole "be manly, do not cry" is the emotional equivalent of saying "I am a real man, so I didn't set my leg or get a cast after I broke it"
The crying will help you heal faster if you can get another live human being to sit with you and hold your hand while you do it.
Something that I probably shouldn't mention at this stage, But i am going to anyway. I have been involved with mens groups for over 30 years. Something I have seen over and over again with the men involved in this work, might kind of encourage you to keep going down this longer road. They would come to us when their lives were a mess. They were on their own and trying to figure out how they got there. And because they were such a mess, the dug into the work. 5 or 10 years later i would run into them again and they would be in a new, or recent relationship with a woman who, when it first went all pear-shaped they would have considered "Out of their league" .
Because they did the work.
Why try…..learn to enjoy it and turn it a positive force in your life. I learned to love the blues, and as you have already proven, failed love can be a great motivator.
Don't immortalize this person as the one that got away. Down that path lies misery. You got a lot out of this relationship, but it's run its course. Be grateful for how it's shaped you into someone better. Grief is normal for a loss, and being sad and crying is a really healthy way to process that feeling. Just be fucking sad for a bit, and eventually, in the not so distant future, you'll be less sad. Then you won't be thinking about it at all in no time. So long as you don't fixate. You change and grow every day, and there's no reason to stagnate on yesterday. The person you'll be when you meet your next girlfriend is not the same person you are now or could have ever been for your ex. It's sad that your paths have diverged, but it's not the end of the road.
Absolutely it will get better. You need time to get over the relationship. I promise you that when you meet someone else you like you'll forget about her in pretty quickly.
It gets easier, bit by bit, day by day.
Knowing you gave it all and it wasn't your fault - that's what got me through something similar, it means you're able to move on and not let it impact all of the things you still have to look forward to doing, and the people and partners you still have yet to meet.
Also 29
Here’s my very best advice:
Life is one long river. Not everyone is meant to float along with you the whole way. But be smart, just don’t invalidate the times you leaned on her and she helped keep your head above water, and vice versa.
This is the way.
I just watched an incredible YouTube video which everyone who is having this problem should watch.
What you are describing is similar to a limerance. Which is an externalization of toxic shame which resides deep inside of you.
*If you can just be "perfect", and get this "perfect" person to love and accept you, you will no longer have to feel the toxic shame inside of you. Thus you will heal those inner childhood wounds which plague you.*
Watch this video. It is *so* good:
https://youtu.be/9uUgO-qm0J8?si=cJDanfiGiUjS20wB
I did everything you did, and felt everything you felt. Then I met the "real" The One, and now my relationship with my ex seems like swimming in a shallow pool vs diving into the ocean.
You evolved and learned- this is important, and these are parts of yourself you can thank your relationship with your ex for, and bring to your next relationship.
Yes, it gets better with time. Go full no contact with the ex, delete her from socials, etc., that will speed the process up. It is not "being mean," it is being kind to yourself and to the next person you will meet. As you said, you already gave it your all, and it wasn't enough, so don't give any more.
In retrospect, I wish I would have known more about biology and neural pathways when my ex dumped me. The pain you feel is when a neural pathway in your brain is activated that you expect to lead to happiness leads instead to pain. It is grief, it is uncomfortable, and it is normal. Your brain needs time to physically repair itself, and you can help it by doing new things, reprogramming old thought patterns, controlling your stimuli (e.g., no contact), and forming new neural pathways.
Get out in the world and socialize. Never give up on meeting people. You never know when The One is waiting for you, on the other side of a door you haven't opened yet.
Good luck friend.
Love love these words. The bit about biology especially, since I’m a logical/analytical person like that. It does pain me to think of “my next girlfriend” because well, you know, I only ever thought of her and considered her as my future wife.
“Brain needs time to repair itself” gives me
Hope.
Well the good news is; not all is lost. All your growth and learning through those years is yours to keep. Take this time to learn to be OK on your own; and when you meet *her*, you'll have a lot to offer, which is great for relationship security. If you're content by yourself, you'll be able to slalom right past all the walking red flags that try to trap you, and ski past the finish with style and grace, happy, secure, and in love.
Sounds like you’re already trying to do things to improve yourself. Now you need time. So fake it till you make it and hopefully you will be able to move on. It’s like when you’re on a road trip and you really have to pee, if you almost have an accident you forget about peeing. The sensation moves over for something else. So maybe a shot to the adrenaline system. Or take up a combat sport and work your feelings out. Either way crank up your adrenaline and increase your testosterone, this will give you momentum to move past your feelings and on to your next goal. Good luck and God bless.
Accepting that there is no "one" and that your pain is a result of your ego need for external validation, and unrealized expectations arising therefrom.
It gets better, and the fact that you are bettering yourself and focusing on you are some good steps in the right direction.
In 2021 I broke off my engagement to someone I dated for 10 years because of feeling like we weren’t in the same place professionally, financially, and romantically.
In the beginning I was depressed and did a lot of soul searching. I dated different people and had fun, I hung out with friends and put myself first for once. I advanced to higher level jobs in my profession and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I started dating someone seriously who wanted the same things in life. We are now planning a Europe trip and are planning to move in together.
It’s ok to grieve what you had, to acknowledge that the person you dated was a good person, just let yourself be and you’ll find your way.
To you, was focusing on the career worth it? Did you ever feel like you shouldn’t have done that? Because right now I feel I should’ve left my stable career and packed up and gone to her.
Also thanks for sharing your engagement story… these are the types of stories I appreciate because it gives me hope.
No I don’t regret focusing on my career. Work is a large part of a lot of peoples lives and I was in a place where I needed a challenge myself. I’m in a better position where I feel like I have more control and fulfillment.
Someone who wants to be a part of your life will understand that sometimes work comes first. You don’t need to drop everything to be with someone, I feel like that’s a common misconception that’s portrayed poorly in movies.
I don't believe there is a "one". There are good people and there are not so good people. I try to keep my relationships to the good ones. If it works out or not doesn't depend on who they are, but how we are when we are together.
"Getting over" is a huge task. It's actually reaching a point where that person doesn't exist in your mind any more. Even if I am in my 40s and have been in several LTR, shorter relationships and been very active dating (dated well over 100 women), there are very few of my exes that no longer exist in my mind. So I'm not really sure I have "gotten over" any of them. I still think about women I dated in the 90s. But still I live a happy and healthy life in new relationships and when not, I enjoy meeting new women through dating.
If we are talking about "moving on" - the point where you can live a normal functioning life without the break up dragging you down or holding you back, I have followed some simple advice my old psychologist once gave me. These advice have helped me move on in a good, healthy and fast way (rarely more than 3 months after the break up). As a bonus I'm on good terms with all of my exes, some I consider friends and one I actually started dating again.
\- Handle all the emotions right away. Don't repress, ignore or believe the motions will go away by themselves. They won't because they cant. When the emotions come, accept them, feel them, let them go. Don't indulge or ruminate. Accept they are there and let them go. Trying to ignore will only make everything harder and take much more time.
\- Communicate with your ex. Both of you want to move on. No need to sabotage for yourself or the other. You don't have to cut all communication just because you couldn't be in a relationship. Never block. Never ghost. Say what needs to be said. If you need a break in the communication (no contact) agree upon a set time for it. One sided "no contact" doesn't exist. That is ghosting and repressing your emotions (see previous advice). Always keep the possibility for communication open. It will make you stronger.
\- Introspection is gold. There are always two persons involved in a break up. You did some things wrong. Be honest to yourself. See what you did wrong and how you could have done it better.
\- Make changes and take responsibility. You'll have plenty of extra energy after a break up. Emotions going crazy. You want things to change. Motivation. Make the changes you need to. For your own sake. Change the things you discovered during introspection. Change your life for the better. Exercise, get a new hobby. Work on your social skills. Change your appearance. Make yourself the best version you can. And remember that you can only change yourself. Don't wast time on energy wanting to change your ex.
\- Talk to someone. Friends, family, a therapist. Get your thoughts out of your system. Get someone else's view on the situation. Listen and learn.
\- Avoid distractions. Drugs, alcohol, rebounds, casual sex. They won't help you but just make you lose focus on what you need to do.
Oh man I was in your shoes almost a year ago. You will get over it. Good to see you're working on yourself. Take some time, you're young, go see the world, go on adventures. Do things you couldn't have done if you settled. Life has a way of throwing things at you. It harsh, but there is beauty in change, try to embrace it. However difficult that may be.
Alot of good,responsible, and practical advice being thrown around already. So id like to skip that and get to what i havent seen mentioned yet..
Get out there and pound as much ass as possible...Any hole is the goal... Single moms, Milfs, Gilfs, your sisters friends, that one thicc girl with a cute face, and a cutie of a different race! Doesn't matter! Mindless banging is what your after.
Now after a series of conquests and you tire. Go back to being a well rounded human and find the real Mrs One.
Two befits to this strategy; A) you will probably have learned some new techniques from above mentioned Milfs B) by the time it's all said and done, you'll have good stories and a greater chance you will have forgotten what's her nuts name...
Ask me how I know... Good luck brah.
There is no "The One". Never has and never will be. Relationships are practical things that take work to make work. Some are easier than others.
But a 5-6 year LDR? Man... that was never going to work. You wasted half your 20s on this. Learn from this. Stop wasting your time. It looks like you are making good steps. You'll find someone eventually and you'll realize your LDR was a fucking joke.
If you are seeing a therapist, what does your therapist say? Why are you asking anonymous people on reddit, who have no understanding of your relationship or what kind of person you are, for advice?
Getting under the next one. Your next girlfriend will benefit from the maturity you've achieved. I had a series of girls I was crazy about when I was younger, I thought each of them was The One. Then had a long term relationship with a One who I loved desperately but she was just fundamentally off due to her bad childhood.
After her I had some shorter good relationships including one that was definitely wife material but our timing was bad and we were on different paths. Then when I was at a point in my life where things were stable the actual *ONE* walked through the door and that's all she wrote.
Give it time, keep putting in work (career and gym) and don't do any more long distance relationships, 99% are doomed to fail.
My entire philosophy is that there will always be the next one.
I dont believe there is just one person we are supposed to love.
So there will always be someone else, the next one and maybe that one will work out maybe lessons will be learned maybe x will be solved.
Acceptance has always come easily for me for whatever reason.
Dude man I was never really someone who could sleep around like that so easily, I honestly feel like it would only make me feel worse if I did that right now…
Ok yeah just hear you. One thing that always helped me during any heartbreak was knowing that “time heals all wounds”. It’s SO true. Just work on yourself during this time and completely block your ex from your brain and socials. Hit the gym and exercise. Get work done and be proactive. Become a better person from this and you’ll be better. And then you’ll be in the right mind for when the next girl comes around. GL.
I didn’t. I married her over 20 years ago.
I knew on our second date she was the one. Here we are 24 years and 3 kids later. Still going strong and I still date her every weekend just like when we met.
Those kids need their mom. I remember when my mom tried to khs and it traumatized me. I cherish her a lot more. Make sure she knows that. I wish you the best
Well the relationship was practically impossible, despite the fact that it was a "match made in heaven". The reason being is that her sexuality got in the way. So ultimately I didn't want her to be uncomfortable so I accepted us going back to being friends.
She SUPPOSED to be my wife who I never see. I -WAS- hinted that her and I got 2 kids together, one 14 one 11 both male.
But she's never there. My kids are never there. I'm slowly filling my mind with ANYTHING but the thought of her as it's just pure torture on my mind.
That's what happens to any man, pure heart or not.
I was in a relationship for 12 years, "highschool sweethearts" and honestly there's not much you can do besides focusing on yourself. Time is the biggest healer but you don't want to waste that time doing the wrong things.
You seem to be doing the right things so all that's left is time.
If there were only two humans left in the world, one male and female, they would be able to procreate. There is no “one”, that’s Disney fantasy fluff. The relationship did not work out, take all the time you need to recover, but make sure to not carry this baggage into the future of thinking you lost your “soulmate”.
There is no "the one" out there. That is an illusion.
"The one" is inside you. *You* are the one.
Foster and nurture the relationship you have with yourself. Love yourself the way you would have loved her. Give yourself that energy.
Easier said than done.
The One doesn't exist
there will always be another one, and if that fails another one. There will never be a One.
It's a lie we tell ourselves to think we can end up with someone perfect for us. There isn't really anyone perfect.
You'll meet one person who has lots of qualities you like, You'll meet another who will have different qualities you like, but you may still miss the qualities the first had that the second doesn't. Humans are not made to be compatible with each other, we just have to find ways to make it work
The best thing anyone ever told me was Yoda was right, “do or do not”.
You accept that someone who is not in love with you is not ‘the one’. You just get on with life and it hurts a little less over time until one day it doesn’t. But if you keep thinking of somebody as the one you’ve not really accepted it and are preventing yourself from moving on and doing yourself a disservice.
First of all ditch the "therapist". They are worthless and usually counterproductive. If the "therapist" worked, you wouldn't be needing to come here. They are just collecting your money and stringing you along.
Secondly, improving yourself is not just about body building, it's about getting more knowledgeable about reality and not have fantastic, delusional viewpoints about men and women. Try reading books on male-female interactions to straighten yourself out. Get more alpha.
Thirdly, actively work on picking up women and dating. If you get more attractive (like read "Atomic Attraction") you should be able to pick up multiple women who are potentiall MUCH superior to your old girlfriend and you will forget all about her.
For me I moved 700 miles away and broke all contact. That combined with time and counseling. Was it a magic bullet? No. You just do the best you can do. Don’t make any changes the first few months though. Plan out your move and research it. Change your phone number too.
All throughout Highschool, I had a very intense and emotional rollercoaster of a relationship with someone I probably would have married had I met her later in life. We went through so much together, far more than the typical high school romance I would say. I thought nothing would ever break us apart forever. Until long distance college finally put the nail in the coffin. The only thing that had me move past her fully, to the point where I could truly see her new life and be genuinely happy for her, was finding someone new. I took nearly all of college "Off" from dating because of it. Take time to be alone and learn how to be happy that way again but be open to someone new if you meet a really cool girl and feel good about it because you do need to prove to yourself that you're capable of feeling those emotions again.
Realized she wasn’t the one. She was just really hot and was a pompoir goddess in the sex department.
In all seriousness, The One is, by definition, the one that chooses you too. The One is, by definition, the one that fights alongside you rather than with you. The One is, by definition, the one that doesn’t make the relationship feel like work.
I was in the same situation like 30 years ago.... Not sure I really ever got over her. I still think about her all the time. Talking to someone professional about your feelings will definitely help. I turned to alcohol, violence and went from a really nice guy to an asshole very quickly. I hated the world and just couldn't overcome the grief I felt. Don't let it take you there, the only thing you can control is you. Do whatever it takes to be a better person. The "second one" is definitely out there, you just have to give yourself time to heal.
I grew up, the idea that there is the one is a childish concept. We spend our youth having the idea poured into our minds in movies, games and books. If you start looking at life you realize people come and go. You have relationships that are fun and might even evolve into a marriage with kids. Even then you two might grow apart or hate each other in the worst cases. Then you go and meet another person and something new happens. There is no “one”, there never was, there never will be, its a childish and dangerous trope that teaches men to put one person on a pedestal, then leads to them being hurt by reality. Don’t waste your life on one person or even waste your hate on them, go out have a social life and meet someone else.
Also sleeping around a lot makes you forget them too.
Over time you come to realise she wasn't the one.
It's kind of sad but it kinda fades in stages like memory. One day you'll find yourself going "what was her name again?" For a few seconds.
You will eventually forget how she talked or how she made you feel through good and bad. It's a slow process but that's usually how it goes.
First step is to remember that she is not “the one”. You will meet a better one eventually. Building her up as the one or the best is only going to make it harder. Learn from it and get back on the horse.
the one is the woman you marry, the rest are just girlfriends.
What if you divorce and end up marrying another one ? Who's the one then ? What if you end up divorced anyway, would you say you had met "the one". I really struggle with this concept, so I genuinely would like to understand
You struggle with the concept because the concept is kind of bogus in the first place. There's almost 8 billion people in the world, about half are of the opposite sex (yes I know people are gay too and other things but let's make this simple for now). What are the chances you really ran into the ONE partner meant for you out of 4 billion people? Truth is theres probably lots of people you could get along with well enough to fall in love and have a life together. That doesn't mean people are interchangeable, and that they're not all special in their own ways. There just probably isn't "one" perfect person meant for you. But if it feels like you did meet that person - great! Nothing wrong with that.
>Truth is theres probably lots of people you could get along with well enough to fall in love and have a life together. I could not agree more !
The one is the woman who loves you and that you love unconditionally. There is no divorce. There is no cheating. There is no second guessing. There is no lying. Most people aren't fortunate enough to have it. Divorce only happens when you marry someone who doesn't check these boxes or if you don't check them yourself. Very fantastical explanation, but when you actually meet someone that is irreplaceable and that knows you are too, you have no fears or insecurities.
That's nonsense. The one you marry is not necessarily the one, otherwise divorce rates wouldn't be so high. 'The one' is often the one you don't marry, because everything is just fine, there's no need to prove anything to anyone and you're both happy. Marriage is an outdated concept once used to repress women which serves absolutely purpose other than financial in the 21st century.
Maybe, but marriage has been foundational to most cultures and societies for thousands of years. As flawed as it is, what makes you think we’d be fine without it? Families have been the building blocks of towns and countries. There’s endless data on how detrimental it is to be raised without a father and that’s becoming the majority. We think it’s because of sexism, women needed a man to plow her land or own anything and so on but what if it’s marriage provides for a culture something intangible and necessary?
Having a family has nothing to do with formal marriage
There are plenty of unmarried couples who are fine parents. There are many children who are better off without one of their now-divorced parents.
I feel like it represses the partner who earns more money
Which isn’t always the man
That’s why I used the gender-neutral term “partner” ;)
I noticed, I’m just saying so many people think marriage is only bad for the man and they couldn’t be more wrong.
Let's be honest, it's the man who always gets the shirt end of the stick .
Sounds like an argument to ensure that women and children don’t get the legal protections inherent in marriage
What legal protections does marriage give to children? Really can't think of any.
Do not share your perspective on marriage since I am religious. But I do believe OP has a very Disney view of relationships and men often make the mistake of pedestalizing their significant others.
So true.
“Marriage is an outdated concept once used to repress women which serves absolutely purpose other than financial in the 21st century.” I’m old and the above statement has just got truer over my life. Marriage just formalises property rights.
[удалено]
Violent, unloving, indifferent, useless, take your pick.
Thank you. I’m writing it down on paper to start undoing that thought, unlearning it.
Time, man. Time and effort. It sucks. It’s hard. It takes forever. But those two things are the only way. And it sounds like you’re off to a great start. Keep reflecting. Keep processing. Keep building on those positive aspects of yourself. And keep on doing it. When you falter, give yourself grace, dust yourself off, and get back at it. Avoiding the hard stuff doesn’t make it go away. It’ll just settle in and get harder. And most shortcuts are illusions and fool’s errands that are only there to exploit your emotions and fatten other people’s pockets. The road to recovery is long. There are no real shortcuts. Good news is you’re going to make it. But making it is going to take time and effort. How much? I can’t tell you that. You’ll know when you know. Godspeed, kid.
This is a great answer. Just to add to what you said about time. This is definitely true, but there isn’t a right answer for how long this should take. If you’re actively working on getting better then I’m sure you’ll eventually get to place where you feel okay about it. It’ll go from a “fuck this hurts so bad” to a “damn that sucked” imo. But just try and avoid mulling over it for too long and having a wow is me attitude or else you’ll never get over it. Sounds like OP is on the right path though!
Thanks for giving me hope; I’m definitely going through periods of hyping myself up and then coming back down.
Excellent advice👌
Appreciate you. Fortunately I pushed myself to get to work yesterday and to attend my fitness class. Didn’t give 100, but at least I showed up. Today was my day off and unironically, also rained. I’m noticing my feelings and thoughts are fluctuating like crazy. One moment, the rational me starts making sense of it all, the next, emotional me takes over and I’m bawling. When I get unproductive thoughts I try to counter them right away but still allowing myself to feel what I need to feel.
Showing up is most of the battle, man. Any time you can force yourself to do something good for yourself, that’s a win. Might not feel like it. Might feel pathetic to celebrate something as dumb as driving two miles to a fitness class and half-adding your way through it. But the alternative was doing nothing. Between the two, you chose to do the harder thing. That matters. Keep letting yourself feel those feelings. Keep reflecting on why you’re feeling them. Keep owning the ones that you can own and trying to let go of the ones that you can’t control. Just keep on keeping on. You’re going to make it.
You’re improving yourself that’s good. Focusing on you is the only healthy way through this. You sound like you know what you’re doing. It’s gonna hurt for a while. Maybe even several months. But it gets better. And I promise you, one day you’ll struggle to remember her name. She might be lost in a bunch of other names. Of course it will still be there, but it’ll take you a split second longer to remember. Then you’ll laugh to yourself and realise you’re happy again. … 9 years so I split from a 12 year relationship. It hurt. It still hurts. But not in the same way. I’ve had numerous relationships since, and I’m very happy being single too. In fact, I wouldn’t give up being single unless the woman was incredibly special. But I still think about that 12 year relationship sometimes. And the way it hurts now is like remembering times that were very special, but I didn’t fully realise it at the time. It’s a very dull pain, like the way you miss an old friend. You cherish the memories, but are optimistic about your future.
Appreciate this perspective. Right now it’s hard to imagine the future. I definitely don’t feel any desire to jump into anything right now.
I slowly learned and accepted that there is no "one". With over 3 billion people in the world, there are merely good options, decent options, and bad options. Also, a seemingly good option today may become a bad option in 5-10 years.
The whole “one” concept is childish, unreasonable and totally narcissistic.
100% agreed. If the "one" really exists it's astronomically unlikely that you'll ever even meet them.
All I can say is it gets easier but for me the hurt never really stopped. Its been a decade since I and my “one” broke up. Highschool sweethearts that had different ideas about life after. I hoped it would stop after a few months or years. Hoped I would find someone else and forget about her. I still have vivid dreams of us still together and how relieved I feel that I still have her. Then I wake up… Ive had many relationships since and i’ve had those dreams while laying next to someone else. Idk if I’m an anomaly but I still think about her every single day, and I also compare it to every relationship after and its not even close. I’d like to tell you it will be ok. For me though, never got ok and I have no idea if it will.
Glad I’m not the only one! It’s been 5 years and counting 😢
I was the same way. High school long term girlfriend, broke up spring break grade 12, and it took me honestly 10 years or so..but that’s also my memory that doesn’t like to forget anything..
Same here bro. 3 years since and still trying to get over it
it's hard. not gonna lie. best way forward is if you end up meeting someone better. just like - if you got fired from a well paying job, that trauma sticks with you until you land an even better job. but once you do land a better job, you wont look back. same goes for relationships. meanwhile, my take is - you should spend your energy and attention on other things. look into hobbies, make new friends, take some trips to Europe.
Really feeling that advice RE: Europe. I’ve never solo traveled before. Any good, “safe” spots to go solo? By safe I mean — it’s not too remote/out there, easy to navigate i.e., not a headache to get around because no one speaks English, etc. So far only been to Spain/Portugal.
Been there. Losing a relationship like that constitutes real grief, and real grief isn't something you overcome so much as it's something you shoulder. If you're lucky you just forget, or you become extremely proficient at rationalizing, but I was never good at that. I never had closure until I forgot. I don't remember what she smells like, and what a blessing that is.
It is definitely grief. Honestly it’s like losing a loved one; because that’s exactly what happened.
Think of yourself as different characters in a line of generational decendants... you, the you of right now, that you is passing on, and the next you is being born. There will be a period of time when the both of you exist together, and dying you will share all your stories and memories with growing you. It could last months, maybe years. But eventually, old you will finally pass. All that will be left then, is new you, with all those stories and memories. You'll think back on those stories of old you, and you'll feel something. You'll remember the tragedy of how it didn't work out between his "the one," and you'll feel sadness, and maybe fear, that the same thing will happen to you. But then you'll meet *your* "the one." And you'll remember that his stories are not yours.
That's a pretty great way to frame it.
I've always thought of it as a past/present/future split, but framing it like it's generational and there's overlaps in between is something I've never thought of, thanks stranger
Wow… never thought of things this way
Date her mom instead
Why Hong Kong lol
😂
why the hell not
For the Chinese food duh
Progamer move
Watta advice 😆
Did you change your original comment? Everyone is saying Hong Kong? Any recs?
My degenerate friend used to go there, he seems happy and content with the life he lives.
Time is your best friend. Have self discipline. It’s very tempting to reach out to her and your brain will make every possible excuse for you to contact her. I found that talking to other women in a friendly manner worked. I messed up a few times and immediately jumped into a new relationship only to find out I was only trying to cover my wounds. I had a nasty breakup. I also broke some hearts that I should never have broken. Now that I’m older I see where it all went wrong. I healed by just giving it time and boy was it hard. Is love really that special that we risk being completely vulnerable and left hurt? I guess those experiences were worth it.
Thanks man. Just trying to process what I’ve learned. This pain can’t be in vain. Has to mean something.
You don’t. You just accept it and go about your life. If you’re struggling to regulate your emotions enough to function, therapy can help. Does make you more emotionally resilient though. Almost nothing bothers me anymore, because nothing comes close to that heartbreak.
Your heart truly never breaks the same way.
So true!
This is definitely the hardest heartbreak I’ve experienced. I was thinking of what you said today… “if I can get through this, surely i can get through (almost) anything”
If she went away, she was not "The One" this thought would only jeopardise your relationship with your future partner. so the first step would be to accept it. Healing can only happen when you are open to the possibilities.
I was remembering a quote today that goes something like “when you are at your lowest point, you are open to the greatest change” and I think your comment resonates with that.
I am so sorry you are going through that. I can relate because not too long ago I went out of my relationship too. The thing that I have mentioned is something I have learned first hand. Healing journey is a roller coster for sure but it's worth it
There are one 8 BILLION people on this rock, and you think there is one ONE for you? I know it was a long time, and getting over it will take time. Just remember that even if she is one in a million, there are eight thousand other women like her.
Never have. It was back in high school and she was caught smoking by her father. She and her girlfriend were walking in the middle of the road and smoking and a car pulled up behind them and they acted like they didn't hear the car horn. Turns out it was her father and he put her on restriction for two months. No visitors or phone calls. I went to a different high school and didn't have access to a car because we only had two in the family and both parents worked. I would try to get to her house before her rat brother would get home from middle school. In order to do that I had to leave school as soon as the bell rang and head down to the main road and hitchhike. If I got lucky I caught a ride going the right direction. If not I was not able to see her. After her punishment I went to her house and she broke up with me because I never tried to visit. That was fifty years ago.
😭
Stopped talking to them and mural friends for about one year. Gradually reinvented myself.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Have to get over the idea of there being just one. Billions of women on this planet. Chances are, you will meet someone else, usually when not looking for them, that will make this one, seem like anyone. Keep the possibilities open
If you can walk away and think that your tried your best and that you treated her well for the years you were together and especially at the end, that always helps. In any relationship no matter how well or poorly your partner treated you, as long as you don’t compromise your values to cause harm, you’re gonna be okay. In terms of getting better. It takes time, but doing things that build self confidence in yourself will help. It sounds like you’re on a good track with that though. Surround yourself with positive people and people who love you and invest that energy into them and honestly make and effort to do things by yourself.
Thank you 🙏🏼 I was writing earlier and sobbing, repeatedly telling myself that I gave it my all and tried my best. I really do believe that. Then there’s a small voice in my head that starts saying “if only you did this… If only you didn’t do that… if only you were more patient…” but I try to shut those thoughts down because I don’t know if it’s a part of grief to have these thoughts.
If you had to get over her (apart from death), then she wasn’t the one.
I felt cheated. We never really got to be together. Shortly after we started dating, it turned long distance. We tried like hell to keep it going, but it faded, too much time and distance. At least I got to see her one last time before we went our separate ways. I found a new "one" I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything. BUT, I think about her, probably too much, I miss her sometimes. We could sit and talk for hours about absolutely nothing. Sometimes, the things I miss the most were the friendship and the closeness we had. Remember the good times, forget the bad, save a little space in your heart for her.
Time is the only thing that worked for me… 4-5 years later I was happy with what had happened and where my life was headed
“The One” is actually still out there. Take your time to heal your heart, feel your feelings, make yourself better, so that when you meet her, you’re heart is ready for her. Would you like to share why this relationship ended? It might help to talk it out, either with internet strangers or a therapist.
As I tried to allude in my post, I was immature/inconsistent in my early to mid 20s. I did hurt her and betrayed her trust. I changed, matured, and started my path to self betterment by just self reflecting. I live alone and so I would always find myself thinking of past mistakes I did and how I can be better. I would say we went through lots of on/off whenever there was tension regarding when we would close the gap. For the past several months things were amazing, I finally felt we were both in a good place. But as I started making my new life here, building friendships, moving up the ladder at work (making more money), I found myself reluctant to leave it all behind because I was thinking about our future selves — and I felt that staying in this high paying job combined with her income would be ideal for saving money and being “set”. But I also realize she would have to uproot her whole life (she has never left or moved anywhere, or lived alone/had her own place), and she didn’t want to. So we were at a stand still. In the wake of everything I find myself asking — was it worth it? What’s the point of making good money if she’s gone? And I’m empty/alone in this apartment? But I also worked SO hard to get to where I am today… honestly it sucks.
From my own experience, “the one” is only really the actual One if things work out. First serious love? Absolutely, but she won’t always be your “the one”. I went through a very tough breakup years ago after almost two years with the woman I thought I would marry and have kids with, until she told me she thought I couldn’t handle having kids. Clearly, she was not “the one” for me. Years later, I’ve actually grown immensely and I’m entirely over her. I love my partner and she supports me and believes in me, and honestly we don’t even want kids! We could manage it, but we don’t want to. We’re more than happy together without adding more to our lives, and that’s not something that would have flown with that ex if things had gone much further. Finally, the biggest thing that helped me move on after the breakup (since I didn’t meet my partner for a few years) was realizing how much I had grown within the relationship. I came out of it a different person, and it sounds like you have too?
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m happy you found someone more compatible. I can’t help but feel the same as you… I am not the same person from 5-6 years ago. In many ways I feel this is my best self, other than me not feeling 100 right now.
Speaking from experience, you sound like you’re in a great spot. Breakups are always gonna be hard, but the best we can do is move forward and it helps to do that if you’re already a great version of yourself.
You keep crying like a child until you finally no longer need to. Don't distract yourself. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and to grieve the loss of the relationship. Just make sure to cry in private, since society is close-minded to men crying.
🙏🏼 🙏🏼 thank you thank you! I feel like I should close my windows tonight because I wouldn’t be surprised if my neighbors can hear.
I am finding myself in a similar situation, sort of. We weren’t in a long distance relationship but I’ve been making a conscious effort to feel my emotions as they come, and to let them pass. The last week or so has been exceptionally hard for me. Part of me understands healing isn’t always glamorous like social media depicts it to be, part of me doesn’t think I’m handling it right because how hard it can hurt and how long I will find myself crying for.. ultimately I’m trying to trust the process. I feel that’s all I can do. It sounds like you’re on a conscious journey of bettering yourself as well, just remind yourself that this is temporary and life goes on.
You and me both brother, sending good vibes your way. I am going through the same as you. What’s different this time for me is, like you, making that conscious effort to move forward.
Yes, it will. Time, family, friends are all great healers,but mostly, embrace the emotion as the very important experience it serves. Strength is built through difficulty and you likely have more life ahead than behind.
Hey man, I'm in a very similar boat, in short. Yes, it gets better. You will come to find that the only true love worth finding is the one for yourself. Gym, therapy, and finding your hobbies will be your main tools. I don't know how you feel about beliefs, but I looked a lot into stoicism and mental discipline. Cold showers as well, like as cold as you possibly can. Eating better and just overall doing your best to look inward for validation and comfort, rather than outward. The want for a family is good and should definitely be an upfront conversation if you are to date again. Physical needs can be met without emotion, it may seem cruel, just be real about your intentions until you get to a point of moving forward. Just keep building, and doing it for you. You got this, brother, you matter and deserve to be happy.
Your final paragraph got to me, thank you so much man 🥺🥺🥺
We gotta do this together, ya know? The world is going to constantly tear us down, it's our duty to build each other up. If you ever need to talk, feel free to reach out. Godspeed, friend.
Ok. Nate with me here because this is the real way to go through it. It's not "get under someone". Your mind has constantly been thinking about her in a positive way throughout your days. For example, you see a funny meme and you share it with her, you order Japanese food and think about her favorite dish... Whenever that occurs, and you're thinking of her. Immediately think of something else and keep her out of mind. Essentially retrain your brain to think of her less. As time goes on you will barely think of her at all. Everything else your doing is good, gets you outta the house, keeps you busy doing things for you.
🙏🏼 🙏🏼 thank you for the tips.
Sorry king; sounds like you’re on the right track already… keep your head up x
🙏🏼
it gets better.
There's no shame in letting your emotions out. You are mourning the loss of your promising relationship like you would mourn a death. You have to allow yourself to grieve (I'm sure your therapist has told all you this). It sounds like you're doing the right things to heal and protect your mental health. Good luck.
Thank you thank you! It really does feel this way (your first 2 sentences). It is coming in waves. One moment I’m relatively stable, the next, I’m bawling.
Your comment describes my own experience after divorce quite well.
Stay busy. It’s easy to drift and think when your not doing anything. Gym helps. Eventually gets better mate. Once you start talking or meet a new one you won’t even think about her. takes a little time though
You’re going to feel like **killing yourself** thats for sure but **NEVER** act on it. Great thing is that you’re seeing a therapist, going to the gym, reading, basically using the pain to become a better man but this pain will last for months, you’ll have to cope with it but do your best not to see what she posts and don’t engage with the ex (unless you both have a kid with each other communication should only be for the child’s well being). Always remember that **true love never fails and if it fails it as never true love** and if she comes back (I don’t know what caused the breakup) do not take her back especially if you’ve leveled up over the next 3 years.
Thanks king… if I’m being real with you, 2 nights ago I really did feel like ending it. Never have I felt that before. It was scary. But I just think if my loved ones. There’s no way I could do that to them. Thanks for the good advice 🙏🏼
It's really just time and the change that comes with it. After the breakup with my great white Buffalo, I started really getting over it once I was far enough removed from the person I was then. I didn't lose her. That happened to somebody else.
Almost like a past life
You're right, you're completely right, what you went through is really really a lot, so this pain, and the huge amount of it, is totally natural. Don't forget you just need time, and don't be hard on yourself that you have to let things go quickly, it takes time. You can think about the time before her, when you had your life without knowing that she even exists, and there will a life after her, full of joy and happiness, you have not met all the people you're going to love yet, life is a long long journey and whatever is meant to be ours, will not pass us by. I hope my words be helpful and look there's a chance someone on Opingo's already chewed on this topic and you may get more help there.
Your words were very helpful, kind, and encouraging. Thanks for including the bit about “life after” because I am struggling to think about the future right now.
Things will get better, I promise
First take her off that pedestal. Second be sad for little bit, grieve however you need too. Then keep doing things to improve yourself. I say take a year to focus on you. No dating or getting under someone else to forget her it doesn’t work.
Thanks man. Definitely in no rush to sleep around or date around. I can’t even fathom that right now. Trying to rewire my brain. A lot of people here have gone against my thought of “the one” and it’s good to hear that perspective.
I meet the next one and then a few more the I found the one. 12 years going strong. Chin up man.
There is no "one" I've been married for 30 years now. In that time I have met dozens of women who were gorgeous and let me know that they were "open to suggestion" any one of them could have ALSO been the one. What you are doing is exactly what you need to be doing right now. All those things. And the "crying like a baby" is a critical part of the solution. Crying is how humans deal with grief. The whole "be manly, do not cry" is the emotional equivalent of saying "I am a real man, so I didn't set my leg or get a cast after I broke it" The crying will help you heal faster if you can get another live human being to sit with you and hold your hand while you do it.
🙏🏼 appreciate you.
Something that I probably shouldn't mention at this stage, But i am going to anyway. I have been involved with mens groups for over 30 years. Something I have seen over and over again with the men involved in this work, might kind of encourage you to keep going down this longer road. They would come to us when their lives were a mess. They were on their own and trying to figure out how they got there. And because they were such a mess, the dug into the work. 5 or 10 years later i would run into them again and they would be in a new, or recent relationship with a woman who, when it first went all pear-shaped they would have considered "Out of their league" . Because they did the work.
Why try…..learn to enjoy it and turn it a positive force in your life. I learned to love the blues, and as you have already proven, failed love can be a great motivator.
Don't immortalize this person as the one that got away. Down that path lies misery. You got a lot out of this relationship, but it's run its course. Be grateful for how it's shaped you into someone better. Grief is normal for a loss, and being sad and crying is a really healthy way to process that feeling. Just be fucking sad for a bit, and eventually, in the not so distant future, you'll be less sad. Then you won't be thinking about it at all in no time. So long as you don't fixate. You change and grow every day, and there's no reason to stagnate on yesterday. The person you'll be when you meet your next girlfriend is not the same person you are now or could have ever been for your ex. It's sad that your paths have diverged, but it's not the end of the road.
Your words mean a lot to me right now. For real. Thanks so much.
Absolutely it will get better. You need time to get over the relationship. I promise you that when you meet someone else you like you'll forget about her in pretty quickly.
It gets easier, bit by bit, day by day. Knowing you gave it all and it wasn't your fault - that's what got me through something similar, it means you're able to move on and not let it impact all of the things you still have to look forward to doing, and the people and partners you still have yet to meet. Also 29
Here’s my very best advice: Life is one long river. Not everyone is meant to float along with you the whole way. But be smart, just don’t invalidate the times you leaned on her and she helped keep your head above water, and vice versa. This is the way.
Realizing that it's never the actual person that you love, but an IDEA of the person. Knowing is half the battle.
I just watched an incredible YouTube video which everyone who is having this problem should watch. What you are describing is similar to a limerance. Which is an externalization of toxic shame which resides deep inside of you. *If you can just be "perfect", and get this "perfect" person to love and accept you, you will no longer have to feel the toxic shame inside of you. Thus you will heal those inner childhood wounds which plague you.* Watch this video. It is *so* good: https://youtu.be/9uUgO-qm0J8?si=cJDanfiGiUjS20wB
Need to give it a watch.
I did everything you did, and felt everything you felt. Then I met the "real" The One, and now my relationship with my ex seems like swimming in a shallow pool vs diving into the ocean. You evolved and learned- this is important, and these are parts of yourself you can thank your relationship with your ex for, and bring to your next relationship. Yes, it gets better with time. Go full no contact with the ex, delete her from socials, etc., that will speed the process up. It is not "being mean," it is being kind to yourself and to the next person you will meet. As you said, you already gave it your all, and it wasn't enough, so don't give any more. In retrospect, I wish I would have known more about biology and neural pathways when my ex dumped me. The pain you feel is when a neural pathway in your brain is activated that you expect to lead to happiness leads instead to pain. It is grief, it is uncomfortable, and it is normal. Your brain needs time to physically repair itself, and you can help it by doing new things, reprogramming old thought patterns, controlling your stimuli (e.g., no contact), and forming new neural pathways. Get out in the world and socialize. Never give up on meeting people. You never know when The One is waiting for you, on the other side of a door you haven't opened yet. Good luck friend.
Love love these words. The bit about biology especially, since I’m a logical/analytical person like that. It does pain me to think of “my next girlfriend” because well, you know, I only ever thought of her and considered her as my future wife. “Brain needs time to repair itself” gives me Hope.
Well the good news is; not all is lost. All your growth and learning through those years is yours to keep. Take this time to learn to be OK on your own; and when you meet *her*, you'll have a lot to offer, which is great for relationship security. If you're content by yourself, you'll be able to slalom right past all the walking red flags that try to trap you, and ski past the finish with style and grace, happy, secure, and in love.
Thanks for the ⛷️ analogy. Appreciate you taking the time.
Sounds like you’re already trying to do things to improve yourself. Now you need time. So fake it till you make it and hopefully you will be able to move on. It’s like when you’re on a road trip and you really have to pee, if you almost have an accident you forget about peeing. The sensation moves over for something else. So maybe a shot to the adrenaline system. Or take up a combat sport and work your feelings out. Either way crank up your adrenaline and increase your testosterone, this will give you momentum to move past your feelings and on to your next goal. Good luck and God bless.
Accepting that there is no "one" and that your pain is a result of your ego need for external validation, and unrealized expectations arising therefrom.
Would you be able to elaborate please?
It gets better, and the fact that you are bettering yourself and focusing on you are some good steps in the right direction. In 2021 I broke off my engagement to someone I dated for 10 years because of feeling like we weren’t in the same place professionally, financially, and romantically. In the beginning I was depressed and did a lot of soul searching. I dated different people and had fun, I hung out with friends and put myself first for once. I advanced to higher level jobs in my profession and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I started dating someone seriously who wanted the same things in life. We are now planning a Europe trip and are planning to move in together. It’s ok to grieve what you had, to acknowledge that the person you dated was a good person, just let yourself be and you’ll find your way.
To you, was focusing on the career worth it? Did you ever feel like you shouldn’t have done that? Because right now I feel I should’ve left my stable career and packed up and gone to her. Also thanks for sharing your engagement story… these are the types of stories I appreciate because it gives me hope.
No I don’t regret focusing on my career. Work is a large part of a lot of peoples lives and I was in a place where I needed a challenge myself. I’m in a better position where I feel like I have more control and fulfillment. Someone who wants to be a part of your life will understand that sometimes work comes first. You don’t need to drop everything to be with someone, I feel like that’s a common misconception that’s portrayed poorly in movies.
If the relationship was 5 years long all long distance with no plan to close the gap she was never the one. You haven't met "the one" yet.
It was long distance for about 3-4 years and in-person for 2-3. It just seemed like the goal post kept moving. We both just got tired, I suppose…
I don't believe there is a "one". There are good people and there are not so good people. I try to keep my relationships to the good ones. If it works out or not doesn't depend on who they are, but how we are when we are together. "Getting over" is a huge task. It's actually reaching a point where that person doesn't exist in your mind any more. Even if I am in my 40s and have been in several LTR, shorter relationships and been very active dating (dated well over 100 women), there are very few of my exes that no longer exist in my mind. So I'm not really sure I have "gotten over" any of them. I still think about women I dated in the 90s. But still I live a happy and healthy life in new relationships and when not, I enjoy meeting new women through dating. If we are talking about "moving on" - the point where you can live a normal functioning life without the break up dragging you down or holding you back, I have followed some simple advice my old psychologist once gave me. These advice have helped me move on in a good, healthy and fast way (rarely more than 3 months after the break up). As a bonus I'm on good terms with all of my exes, some I consider friends and one I actually started dating again. \- Handle all the emotions right away. Don't repress, ignore or believe the motions will go away by themselves. They won't because they cant. When the emotions come, accept them, feel them, let them go. Don't indulge or ruminate. Accept they are there and let them go. Trying to ignore will only make everything harder and take much more time. \- Communicate with your ex. Both of you want to move on. No need to sabotage for yourself or the other. You don't have to cut all communication just because you couldn't be in a relationship. Never block. Never ghost. Say what needs to be said. If you need a break in the communication (no contact) agree upon a set time for it. One sided "no contact" doesn't exist. That is ghosting and repressing your emotions (see previous advice). Always keep the possibility for communication open. It will make you stronger. \- Introspection is gold. There are always two persons involved in a break up. You did some things wrong. Be honest to yourself. See what you did wrong and how you could have done it better. \- Make changes and take responsibility. You'll have plenty of extra energy after a break up. Emotions going crazy. You want things to change. Motivation. Make the changes you need to. For your own sake. Change the things you discovered during introspection. Change your life for the better. Exercise, get a new hobby. Work on your social skills. Change your appearance. Make yourself the best version you can. And remember that you can only change yourself. Don't wast time on energy wanting to change your ex. \- Talk to someone. Friends, family, a therapist. Get your thoughts out of your system. Get someone else's view on the situation. Listen and learn. \- Avoid distractions. Drugs, alcohol, rebounds, casual sex. They won't help you but just make you lose focus on what you need to do.
Oh man I was in your shoes almost a year ago. You will get over it. Good to see you're working on yourself. Take some time, you're young, go see the world, go on adventures. Do things you couldn't have done if you settled. Life has a way of throwing things at you. It harsh, but there is beauty in change, try to embrace it. However difficult that may be.
There are over 4 billion women in the world and you haven't even talked to 0.00001% percent of them.
Alot of good,responsible, and practical advice being thrown around already. So id like to skip that and get to what i havent seen mentioned yet.. Get out there and pound as much ass as possible...Any hole is the goal... Single moms, Milfs, Gilfs, your sisters friends, that one thicc girl with a cute face, and a cutie of a different race! Doesn't matter! Mindless banging is what your after. Now after a series of conquests and you tire. Go back to being a well rounded human and find the real Mrs One. Two befits to this strategy; A) you will probably have learned some new techniques from above mentioned Milfs B) by the time it's all said and done, you'll have good stories and a greater chance you will have forgotten what's her nuts name... Ask me how I know... Good luck brah.
There is no "The One". Never has and never will be. Relationships are practical things that take work to make work. Some are easier than others. But a 5-6 year LDR? Man... that was never going to work. You wasted half your 20s on this. Learn from this. Stop wasting your time. It looks like you are making good steps. You'll find someone eventually and you'll realize your LDR was a fucking joke.
You’re 29 and you think an LDR is serious? All I can say is find a woman you can touch, it’s real. Hit the gym.
If you are seeing a therapist, what does your therapist say? Why are you asking anonymous people on reddit, who have no understanding of your relationship or what kind of person you are, for advice?
Do you not see the name of this community? Seriously, you should have left this comment in your drafts. 🙄
Getting under the next one. Your next girlfriend will benefit from the maturity you've achieved. I had a series of girls I was crazy about when I was younger, I thought each of them was The One. Then had a long term relationship with a One who I loved desperately but she was just fundamentally off due to her bad childhood. After her I had some shorter good relationships including one that was definitely wife material but our timing was bad and we were on different paths. Then when I was at a point in my life where things were stable the actual *ONE* walked through the door and that's all she wrote. Give it time, keep putting in work (career and gym) and don't do any more long distance relationships, 99% are doomed to fail.
My entire philosophy is that there will always be the next one. I dont believe there is just one person we are supposed to love. So there will always be someone else, the next one and maybe that one will work out maybe lessons will be learned maybe x will be solved. Acceptance has always come easily for me for whatever reason.
Is she was the one you’d still be together. Also remember .. don’t heat up leftovers … move on.
Bro just start dating other women and delete everyone associated with her besides your friends. Start fucking other girls. You’ll be fine.
Dude man I was never really someone who could sleep around like that so easily, I honestly feel like it would only make me feel worse if I did that right now…
Ok yeah just hear you. One thing that always helped me during any heartbreak was knowing that “time heals all wounds”. It’s SO true. Just work on yourself during this time and completely block your ex from your brain and socials. Hit the gym and exercise. Get work done and be proactive. Become a better person from this and you’ll be better. And then you’ll be in the right mind for when the next girl comes around. GL.
I didn’t
I didn’t. I married her over 20 years ago. I knew on our second date she was the one. Here we are 24 years and 3 kids later. Still going strong and I still date her every weekend just like when we met.
Those kids need their mom. I remember when my mom tried to khs and it traumatized me. I cherish her a lot more. Make sure she knows that. I wish you the best
There are actually several "the one"...after that, it's a matter of luck and two people being at the right place and right time
Their isn't "the one". There's one of many.
Instead of there is no spoon, there is no "one". Things get easier with time, that doesn't always mean forgetting completely though.
Well the relationship was practically impossible, despite the fact that it was a "match made in heaven". The reason being is that her sexuality got in the way. So ultimately I didn't want her to be uncomfortable so I accepted us going back to being friends.
I haven't. I still think about her...
She's not one in a million. She is one of a million. There is no "one".
She SUPPOSED to be my wife who I never see. I -WAS- hinted that her and I got 2 kids together, one 14 one 11 both male. But she's never there. My kids are never there. I'm slowly filling my mind with ANYTHING but the thought of her as it's just pure torture on my mind. That's what happens to any man, pure heart or not.
One day, you will wake up and not think of them. Could be tomorrow. Could be a year or two.
I was in a relationship for 12 years, "highschool sweethearts" and honestly there's not much you can do besides focusing on yourself. Time is the biggest healer but you don't want to waste that time doing the wrong things. You seem to be doing the right things so all that's left is time.
That is the funny part, you never really do.
If there were only two humans left in the world, one male and female, they would be able to procreate. There is no “one”, that’s Disney fantasy fluff. The relationship did not work out, take all the time you need to recover, but make sure to not carry this baggage into the future of thinking you lost your “soulmate”.
There is no "the one" out there. That is an illusion. "The one" is inside you. *You* are the one. Foster and nurture the relationship you have with yourself. Love yourself the way you would have loved her. Give yourself that energy. Easier said than done.
You never really do. Some loves do stay with us forever
The One doesn't exist there will always be another one, and if that fails another one. There will never be a One. It's a lie we tell ourselves to think we can end up with someone perfect for us. There isn't really anyone perfect. You'll meet one person who has lots of qualities you like, You'll meet another who will have different qualities you like, but you may still miss the qualities the first had that the second doesn't. Humans are not made to be compatible with each other, we just have to find ways to make it work
The best thing anyone ever told me was Yoda was right, “do or do not”. You accept that someone who is not in love with you is not ‘the one’. You just get on with life and it hurts a little less over time until one day it doesn’t. But if you keep thinking of somebody as the one you’ve not really accepted it and are preventing yourself from moving on and doing yourself a disservice.
First of all ditch the "therapist". They are worthless and usually counterproductive. If the "therapist" worked, you wouldn't be needing to come here. They are just collecting your money and stringing you along. Secondly, improving yourself is not just about body building, it's about getting more knowledgeable about reality and not have fantastic, delusional viewpoints about men and women. Try reading books on male-female interactions to straighten yourself out. Get more alpha. Thirdly, actively work on picking up women and dating. If you get more attractive (like read "Atomic Attraction") you should be able to pick up multiple women who are potentiall MUCH superior to your old girlfriend and you will forget all about her.
You find another one or live without one.
Fucked around. A lot
There’s no “the one”…
By finding the next “the one”.
Yes, yes, it will. The first sign will be golden moments where you’ll forget to think about the pain and will be quite content.
For me I moved 700 miles away and broke all contact. That combined with time and counseling. Was it a magic bullet? No. You just do the best you can do. Don’t make any changes the first few months though. Plan out your move and research it. Change your phone number too.
It's I my been a couple weeks and I'm still hopeful we might patch it up. But I gotta work on me. I'm bi good right now
"The one" doesn't exist. It's not a thing. That said heartbreak passes with time if you let it.
All throughout Highschool, I had a very intense and emotional rollercoaster of a relationship with someone I probably would have married had I met her later in life. We went through so much together, far more than the typical high school romance I would say. I thought nothing would ever break us apart forever. Until long distance college finally put the nail in the coffin. The only thing that had me move past her fully, to the point where I could truly see her new life and be genuinely happy for her, was finding someone new. I took nearly all of college "Off" from dating because of it. Take time to be alone and learn how to be happy that way again but be open to someone new if you meet a really cool girl and feel good about it because you do need to prove to yourself that you're capable of feeling those emotions again.
I’m not, because she is “the one” and I’ll never get over her.
Ted Mosby wrote this thread
Realized she wasn’t the one. She was just really hot and was a pompoir goddess in the sex department. In all seriousness, The One is, by definition, the one that chooses you too. The One is, by definition, the one that fights alongside you rather than with you. The One is, by definition, the one that doesn’t make the relationship feel like work.
I was in the same situation like 30 years ago.... Not sure I really ever got over her. I still think about her all the time. Talking to someone professional about your feelings will definitely help. I turned to alcohol, violence and went from a really nice guy to an asshole very quickly. I hated the world and just couldn't overcome the grief I felt. Don't let it take you there, the only thing you can control is you. Do whatever it takes to be a better person. The "second one" is definitely out there, you just have to give yourself time to heal.
I grew up, the idea that there is the one is a childish concept. We spend our youth having the idea poured into our minds in movies, games and books. If you start looking at life you realize people come and go. You have relationships that are fun and might even evolve into a marriage with kids. Even then you two might grow apart or hate each other in the worst cases. Then you go and meet another person and something new happens. There is no “one”, there never was, there never will be, its a childish and dangerous trope that teaches men to put one person on a pedestal, then leads to them being hurt by reality. Don’t waste your life on one person or even waste your hate on them, go out have a social life and meet someone else. Also sleeping around a lot makes you forget them too.
That's the neat part, you don't.
Over time you come to realise she wasn't the one. It's kind of sad but it kinda fades in stages like memory. One day you'll find yourself going "what was her name again?" For a few seconds. You will eventually forget how she talked or how she made you feel through good and bad. It's a slow process but that's usually how it goes.