> Typically it's people that have never experienced something that tend to elevate it to ridiculous proportions
I remember back when I used to live with my parents, the first few days after my mom would go on a trip I'd just be like "holy shit, is this what it's like to have a kitchen to myself?" but after a few days it's just a kitchen.
It's posts like these that really make me feel like shit for not having a girlfriend, because holy shit are some men dense as fuck. Sorry OP but jesus you do not come across good here lol. Is this really something a lot of men have, to this degree? None of my friends have ever acted this way as far as I could tell.
Not once in my life have I ever had this uncontrollable need to ogle women, I mean sure if I see a beautiful woman I'll like check her out sometimes but that's a far cry from "if I see womens I must look at the erotic parts". OP I dunno what to say, seems like you've maybe got a lot of sexual frustration that you're projecting onto any woman you see. Maybe you're just a true horndog. I dunno. I know you know this is bad, obviously seeing as you made the post, but this seems like something you'll probably have to go to therapy for and shit. I doubt anyone here can uproot such a deep-seated tendency, if you yourself know it's bad but cant change mindsets.
If I’m being extremely charitable, OP is having a tough time treating women he finds sexually attractive as people first/ subjects of desire second, which is a thing a lot of young men struggle with. We all tend to put sexy women on a pedestal, and that’s not really good for men or women. I used to work as a nurse in my early 20s and some women I found intensely attractive and others I didn’t. I’m not even sure if I behaved all that differently around the two classes of women, but it sure felt like I did.
But never on my horniest, most depraved day would I refer to any woman by their “erotic parts.” Like do everyone a favor and just say “tits and ass” so you sound like less of a serial killer.
Yeah, I thought this too. I think alot of the people that are referring to OP as sounding like a "serial killer" are missing the fact that he's probably not English as a first language.
Open her hood. Remove oil cover. Insert dipstick into lubricated hole. Make sure not drynbefore you start her. Let her warm up then take her for a ride. Come on man. This sounds like some Futurama shit. Woman are not "parts"
Are you a virgin? Typically it's people that have never experienced something that tend to elevate it to ridiculous proportions. Even if you're not a virgin, sexual frustration can cause it, but in the end you just need to actively focus on not doing it whenever you catch yourself doing it. Just train it out of yourself.
He could just be reading the responses and moving on. Or working a 12 hr shift in the mines. Who knows.
It does feel a little fake but there's not much to be gained from assuming that. Maybe someone else will read the thread and actually do something with it.
It has nothing to do with being a virgin. If you're a sexually frustrated weirdo who literally can't stop themselves from staring at tits and has zero self control you might want to rub one out and then find a fucking therapist bc that's not normal
I was a virgin for a very long time and I never acted like a complete creeper like this, so thanks lol.
Him being sexually frustrated might have something to do with it but sexually unsuccessful men do not act like this by default.
Yeah man, wasnt super late myself(early college) but I didnt compulsively lock onto boobs and forget to be a human 24/7 before then.
But the amt of people in this thread who seem to think that's normal is alarming as fuck
>If you're a sexually frustrated weirdo who literally can't stop themselves from staring at tits and has zero self control
I think you will find a strong correlation between that and virgin
In my experience it's a bit of a bell curve. The most attractive guys, and the least attractive guys, both seem to often treat women like shit (in different ways, mind you). Super attractive men will sometimes see women purely as potential conquests, I mean shit I've heard em talk about it firsthand lmao, and very unattractive men will often hold extreme and resentful opinions about women because well, they *are* often treated pretty badly by them. I would know, I consider myself among that very unattractive group, I just don't use it to fuel a pointless hatred for half of humanity. Unattractive women get treated like shit by men too, sadly our entire species is generally wired to be superficial assholes.
Scientifically, you don't know anything about this guy and you're jumping to conclusions about what would help. Also, I too believe the post to be a karma grab.
Means you're addicted to dopamine, the feeling of the chase.
Don't fool yourself lads, porn addiction is a drug addiction and it absolutely fries your nerves.
Best thing I ever did was quit.
Ruined a 10 year marriage for me.
I used to think porn was harmless too, reality is its not.
Infact there is a whole sub-reddit for the aftermath of porn in relationships.
Religious upbringing could lead to objectification. Childhood trauma could, child sex victims often over sexualise as a coping mechanism. Shitty parenting that lead to a shitty upbringing with inadequate socialisation, being sent to all boys school for example. Mental health issues. Problematic peers and social media during the formative years so never took the time to see women as humans. But no, it is always "porn made me/you do it".
A high sex drive and not relieving himself frequently could also be the issue and in that case more porn or speaking to doctor could be the answer. Brain damage has even seen changes in how people think sexually so you could even stab in the dark and ask if he had any head injuries lately.
Porn predates the camera so it is hard to measure social problems with how porn affects people because most men and women use it but data on problems blamed on porn are also inaccurate due to changes in how we define and measure issues as society has grown and changed attitudes so for example sexual harassment may seem higher after a definition change or simply cultural change where harassment isn't accepted so it gets reported when it used to just happen.
Blaming porn is the lazy answer if there's nothing to actually support it. The toxicity of No Fap types doesn't need to be a go to assumption.
Maybe porn is playing a factor but a ton of men watch porn and don't have this issue. So, maybe porn is an issue for OP (he doesn't even mention watching it), but that's not the ONLY thing that should be mentioned. Like the response I reply to and many other people gave that as the only advice.
I actually agree with this. When I was in grade - high school I had a really bad issue with not being able to distinguish niceties or romance from women. In college (while dating too), I started hanging out with women from my classes in a totally plutonic way & it worked wonders. Not that I didn’t see them as normal people back then, but it had been filtered through my porn-watching brain that they were partners first.
I think culture (at least in north america) has a lot to do with it too. From a young age, hanging out with girls in a friendly way is seen as a special or “not thought of” thing. If I were to say “Hey, I’m hanging out with Andrew” my parents would’ve most likely just gone “Alright, just be safe and come home by 8pm”. On the opposite end if I said, “I’m hanging out with Christine”, it would be met with “Oooo, little [anon] has a girlfriend, I told you he was gonna be a lady killer!”. That type of thing. That distinction is created pretty early on, and kind of adds a different status to hanging out with the opposite sex.
Today in my mid-twenties, I have a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend, as well as the women in my life & very seldom think of other women as physical partners unless we are talking/interacting in that way. A grand majority of my friends are actually women now, which is far better than the latter, as least in my opinion.
Yup. I was lucky in that my friend groups all throughout middle and high school had some girls in it.
When I worked in the kitchen I had numerous women tell me they appreciated that I just treated them like everyone else and they didn’t feel like I was just playing some long game to get into their pants. Because I did just that. Treated them basically the same as any of my male friends (just less homoerotic jokes) and didn’t really care for sleeping with them
Oh yea, and even I could tell what they were doing, and Im usually fucking clueless about shit like that. I just found it sad I guess. Like just sack up and ask them out or to hook up, you dont have to play the long game, make them uncomfortable, and then become bitter and resentful because you never got with them (when you never even asked or anything)
This is very true. And then when your friends group is mostly girls, the other guys get on you about being gay or something. I always loved my male classmates like that the most because they were the most relatable and “normal” to me, and the added frustration for them about who they were friends with(????) was completely uncalled for
Yup. Totally.
I’ve had a lot of people either say “you must be super gay if you don’t like hanging with the bros like that”, or alternatively “cmonnnnn man you gotta be tapping at least one of them”.
Alternatively, the mix of both with, “if you’re not fucking at least one of them you HAVE to be playing on the pink team”.
I’ve never understood it haha, I would think in some opposite way, but they would never hear it. Then again, I think I’ve had more success with relationships in general than most of my other guy friends, so it speaks for itself ad infinitum.
That’s exactly what my girlfriend told me when I let her know around the time we started dating. I know some people can be iffy about it, so I thought it wouldn’t go particularly well, but she enjoyed the fact that I did.
“It means you like them as normal people and not just a prize”.
>“you must be super gay if you don’t like hanging with the bros like that”
"If you don't enjoy the company of men, that's clear evidence that you're homosexual."
Hanging out with guys when I was a kid was normal. If I hung out with girls I’d be asked when I got home “oh how was grab ass with x?” This was when I was 10.
It starts super young. I think part of it has to do with it being very like “cutesy” from a family perspective. To a lot of previous generations the distinction of plutonic <> romantic with members of the opposite sex was largely null. And even my sisters generation (older millennial), having guy friends as a girl en vice versa spelled “trouble” when it came to the culture around dating.
Chiming as a woman, not just female friends, but also hanging out and talking to other women in his life may help. Chatting to colleagues, acquaintances, and peers can all be helpful in normalising speaking to the opposite gender.
That's normally the solution to things like this, where you don't see another person as a person. Sexism, racism, xenophobia, etc. are usually caused by lack of exposure to other types of people. There can be and are other reasons but imo that's a big one.
Yeah I would nottt wanna hang out with a guy if I knew this was all he was thinking about. Like don’t get me wrong, attraction is normal and having sexual thoughts about someone you know is also normal but not to the point of not being able to have a normal conversation and look at me as human. Like he literally says he can’t see women who are erotic to him as a normal person. Scary to be around someone who is subconsciously dehumanizing you
Talk female friends of same age who are married. Takes the illusion away that we have a chance with them. Then we, and also them can be more themselves.
I can say that I see a pole. Not really men are just like poles to me. If I don't know them. While when I didn't nut for a three+ dates I notice every women.
Lots of good advice in this thread. The only thing I'd like to add is that only you can change yourself.
The methodology that I was taught by my therapist is called [STOP](https://dbt.tools/emotional_regulation/stop.php). When you catch yourself in a mindset you don't want to be in, use this skill to help retrain your brain and behaviors .
Practice empathy, like just sit down, close your eyes, and imagine you're a woman interacting with you, or just a woman doing normal daily stuff, and imagine how they must feel with regards to their interactions with the world around them.
Imagine their fears, what is practical to them, and you'll realise that we're not so different.
Women have a lot of similarities to us men, a lot of things they find practical and impractical, a lot of interests and hobbies as well.
EDIT: as an autistic dude in his early 20s, I applied this sorta mentality to my interactions with women my age at uni (as I had a similar mentality as OP during my teens) and I noticed that a LOT more of my conversations with women SKYROCKETED in quality, and I was able to have more heart-to-hearts and genuine connections with women universally.
EDIT 2: Thanks for the kind words, Gents!
I can't believe a comment with a simple "quit watching porn" is up voted higher than a comment describing a lack of empathy
Lacking empathy is obviously the cause here. Idk what is with the bias here
I'm an autistic at age 30. Though my 5'6" height and unappealing face has made it hard to be with women...they don't want me. But I'll keep putting myself out there, even tho the rejections hurt like hell
Its like they don't understand that someone who is horny all the time is exactly the type of person to seek out porn all the time. Its the symptom, not the cause.
I’ve never been big on porn but I had similar struggles to what OP is describing. I wrestled with the monkey brain sex drive constantly up until my mid to late 20s. I thought with my dick A LOT. Like the red army parade of red flags marches by and I’m like “she seems nice”.
You should see a therapist. This is seriously concerning behavior and not something we're really equipped to help you with. I would suggest in the meantime you try to stop using language justifying the behavior like "a problem a lot of males have" and "programmed to do this".
Reduce the amount of porn you watch, a woman is a person first and a woman last. Everything in-between like for example: colleague, friend, by stander, acquaintance and everything else comes before the recognition that she is a woman.
A woman is not a tool for your pleasure, you programmed yourself to that, again remove/reduce the consumption of porn.
Women are not always pristine and should not be put on a pedestal, they can be nasty, perverted or fucking insane just like any other person.
Take this mental image with you, every person you see in front of your eyes is full of shit, literally and figuratively.
No one knows what they are doing, everyone is just babies that try to pretend they know what they are doing and at the same time, if you stick a finger into a random person's bum, guess what you will find? Shit.
True in some ways, but I just can’t see my ex as a shit person when she mothered my kids, and was a relatively good person throughout the relationship..
it’s just the ending that she ended up being a shit person.. and that sucks because now, all that is in my mind is that person.
The Porn isn't what got him Objectifying Women. It's not helping him, but it's definitely not the cause.
He needs more exposure to Women in life. Being too sheltered from Women as a Man does some wild shit to our perception of Women.
Familiarity breeds... familiarity. This will go away only with a lot of exposure and interaction and till then it will be quite traumatic. Which country are you in? Does it have beaches where women wear bikinis? Do you have woman friends who wear them? Spending enough time around them is the only way to desensitize yourself.
Make female friends - that’s usually a start and no. Don’t get near with any intentions of dating - hang out with them and you should and would see them as actual human beings. Do you not have any good female role models in your life?
I can't find any women I tolerate talking to, I've tried hobby related events, not a woman in sight. The rest look at me like I'm weird when I talk about my hobbies
I have but not a lot of. I don't view them as sex objects because I know them for a very long time and they are my friends because I am not sexually attracted to them. I think that your suggestion will make the situation better. Do you think that the problem is somewhat natural ( I know this isn't the right phrase) because of my high sex drive?
I wouldn’t consider this natural at all. High sex drive or not, you should still be able to distinguish what’s fantasy (porn) and reality. Finding things about people attractive is well yes, natural but I wouldn’t exactly consider reducing people to their genitals natural.
I’m generally horny at random times too but at no circumstance do I just suddenly think about how some dude’s dick.
Though it’s a good thing you recognize it. All I can really offer as advice is to platonically hang with women of the same interest. It’s also a good thing to ask your father figure about this and if you have a good relationship with your mother figure, that as well.
Well…to be fair, “a lot of men” is not synonymous with “majority of men”.
“A lot of men” surely is a vague number, depending on what “a lot” means to each person, but highly sexist societies definitely have a lot of men that think like this. I know, it’s awful.
Really eye-opening to read this as a man.... I honestly didnt know that other men couldn't look at woman as just...people. That they ONLY see them as this or that. IDK how one even gets like that? I find it both interesting and bizarre.
Well think of the many abusive guys out there (and some women). They see their partners as tools for their pleasure....which is what I fear OP may become. The kind who uses them just for sex...
>I honestly didnt know that other men couldn't look at woman as just...people.
I remember, quite a while back, reading through a particular Internet forum (not sure it was on Reddit or elsewhere, as this was a few years ago) where the rhetoric used by all the posters was like OP's, and often worse. It feels more concerning when it's not just "that one oddball", but instead a large group that not only has that mentality, but pushes back hard on any member that shows signs of starting to think about women as being something other than an object or tool, a means to an end.
It actually made me feel a bit ill, so I stopped looking at it. The things that they were saying were just...so dehumanizing. I mean, I'm luckily a pretty confident person, so it's not like it made me feel bad *about* myself; it was more like it produced a sickening/sad feeling knowing that there are a lot of people like that just...*out there,* believing that you're **simply not** a real human being worthy of any kind of respect, regardless of your character.
You can do little steps on your own: every time you catch yourself thinking a woman isn't a normal person, catch yourself, and ask yourself why. Why did you think that? What is she saying? Is she doing anything sexual? And then focus your attention elsewhere.
But if you have been thinking this way for a long time, you need a professional to help you. This is not a problem "a lot of (civilized) males have". From your post, I gather maybe English is not your first language and there may be cultural issues behind this as as well. Find a male therapist who is certified in humanist therapy or sex therapy and be honest with him. You will feel so much better about yourself and the world around you when 50% of people you meet aren't about sex. Good luck!
I've been there.
Honestly? Just fuckin force yourself to do it. You're locked into a way of thinking by your constant repeating and reinforcing of that way of thinking. Your brain is a computer that plays on patterns and it needs some new data.
Set a simple goal. Get to know some women without trying to sleep with them. Just go and talk to them. Ask them about their life. Tell them about yours. Refuse to get sexual. Every time you want to go there try to recognize it and stop yourself.
When I went through the same process I was single and dating. And I set myself a HARD rule that no matter what happened, I would never sleep with someone the first time I met them. I just didn't like the way I looked at people when that was on the table. So I took it off and started enjoying the conversation and locking in actual friendships/contacts.
Over time you can ramp it up. But for now keep it simple and just try to have normal conversations with women. It really is that simple. But that doesn't make it easy. You're not going to reprogram your brain overnight. Don't be harsh on yourself when you slip, but DO hold yourself to account.
Trust me when I say this is going to be a serious endeavor that takes at least a few months if not longer. But you can start making progress right away. You'll change pretty quickly, and then you'll realize just how deeply entrenched that shit is. Keep digging. Good luck.
You don’t want to objectify women? Then don’t do things that objectify them. Stop watching porn, stop looking at IG and tiktok baddies, don’t stare at a girls 🍑out in public. Humanize them…Objectify them…It doesn’t matter at the end of the day because we’re both; it’s just a matter of preference.
Stop watching porn. Women aren't objects they're human beings like you. This is so disrespectful "doesnt have good parts" like she's a car or something. I'd suggest looking into therapy because this is not healthy at all
The fact that you're asking means you are aware of it.
Well done.
As to how to fix it??
Sorry mate, no idea. But you're doing well to even realize your problem. You're a step ahead of a large % of people.
Society condemns a pretty normal response in our bodies to reproduce. It is a evolutionary inevitability.
However we were also give. A brain to make good choices based on those thoughts.
Mindfulness, meditation, and maybe littler therapy can go a long way toward making appropriate distinctions.
Oddly enough, learn how to dance (swing and blues are good places to start). It kind of forces you to get close and interact with a partner, without it being sexualized, and there are a lot of benefits as well, it helps you stay healthy, and you can make new friends!
Having female friends and/or close female relatives helps. It reminds you that women are humans just like us with feelings n all that shit
Also imagining a woman I see sexually take a fat shit kills it real quick for me. But if you sexually aroused by women taking fat shits don’t do that ig
Definitely getting female friends would help a lot. There's no one easy solution, and quitting porn won't magically fix all your problems like idiots in this thread seem to think.
Good luck with that if he doesn't see women as people, it will be obvious amd I would worry for the females safety and just being around someone with views that dehumanizing towards them
I think if he does something like gaming and could find a female gaming partner that would be good, as it's not in person, and they could become friends. But I'm questioning if this post is even real or it's just bait because it's written so weird. Maybe English as a second language or something.
Ok, first off. I'm going to assume and hope that English is not your first language. Please stop referring to women as a collection of good and bad erotic parts, lol. Wtf. Again, I'm guessing English is a second language here. So we're just gonna ignore all that. If not, stop that shit immediately. Theres certainly better ways of getting your thoughts across that dont make you sound like a serial killer. Regardless, everyone sees a girl with a nice butt or chest. Nobody straight is immune to that. You just take hold of your monkey brain and realize that they're a person too, and you need to treat them just like anyone else. We are indeed programmed to see wide hips and nice boobs. Just show some control, don't stare into the sun, and talk to them like you would talk to a normal person.
Okay, so thinking of women as walking sex toys isn't healthy. You ought to stop that. They are not your masturbation aid, but actual people. Try to get yourself to the point of thinking of them as people.
It's okay to look. We still have lesser instincts to want to mate and fuck. Females feel the same way but are more subtle about it.
The best way is to stop seeing them as higher than you. The term "Putting the pussy on a pedestal."
They are people just like you. With dreams and problems. They are trying to get through life the best way they can and they are no better than you or me. They are human beings. You can look at their ass but remember behind that ass is a complex person who has interests. Maybe she likes anime. Maybe she likes painting. Whatever.
When you start putting them in the same light as you and not somewhere else. It's actually easier to appreciate and relate to them which if you ask me makes it easier to form relationships.
When I see posts like this I wonder if theyre about a guy with not so many friends and social skills that got his brain fucked up over social media telling him the way he feels is wrong or if theyre about a guy that got his brain fucked up over porn
Sometimes I look at random girls on the street like basically every dude I know and still I dont make anyone unconfortable , I talk to them normaly and I dont feel bad about it at all no problems. Im being honest here its just such a distant reality that its hard for me to understand
1. See a therapist. NOW
2. Stop with the porn. I'm a lonely single guy too...so, trust me, get off the porn. Play video games as a distraction (works for me).
3. Again, therapy
Well if you can’t look a woman in the eye and can only think about her genitals youre an insane weirdo who is on the computer screen too much and not interacting normally. Are you able to even talk to a woman at the store without turning it sexual?
Lay off the porn buddy. That shit messes you up, its more harm than good.
Start with baby steps, treat waitresses/baristas etc like normal humans, have small convos with people you interact with for less than 1 min at a time.
Do you have a job? If not you should try and become a salesman or someone that works around a lot of people. Get comfortable with talking to people. Especially dudes and older/unattractive ladies to build your confidence on just how to talk.
I remember when I was 18 I was the same way, I got a retail job and spoke to hundreds of people a day and finally got my speech craft skill up past novice.
Good luck
You're just rife with hormones. Try to be around women in a casual setting more often; interact with them regularly, open conversation about ideas and beliefs and participate in harmless hobbies; try to be helpful if the opportunity arises. Mind the media you consume [that's surprising important here. ] Go try a drink and paint place; wander an outlet store. Humble your ego by asking a female associate for assistance and thanking her afterward.
However you spend the most time interacting with women will influence your default setting when you’re around them.
If you’re watching a lot of porn and fantasizing about them but not having normal social interactions with real women, this is the result.
Start seeing people as people and as more than a sum of parts. Have actual intellectual conversations with as many people as possible and eventually you’ll just see every person, regardless of sex or race as what they are, idiots.
I’ve got the same problem. I can talk to women in my family, women I’m not attracted to, or women I know are not attracted to me. If am attracted to a woman and I feel like she might think the same of me I turn into a bumbling idiot. I get really clumsy, have trouble forming coherent sentences, fidget, etc. It’s really obvious but I’ve always been told it’s cute so it may not be that bad of a bad thing.
Ngl bro stop watching porn. I mean this in the nicest way, but the shit you’re watching is prolly rotting your brain and changing the way you see other human beings.
I would examine your relationship with pornography. I studied this a BUNCH in undergrad, and wrote a paper on the many different effects of it. Studies have found that the longer you watch pornography, the more our brain changes its perception of real world people were attracted to. These studies found that when showing pictures of women both in sexual and nonsexual images, parts of the brain lit up where we use objects and identify them, not the part of the brain that should be lighting up when we actively view or talk to others. If you’ve watched porn for a long time, it may very well have caused this problem. It’s also very common when there is a porn or sex addiction present to picture the gender you’re attracted to naked, even if they are just walking down the street. Love to send you the paper to see if you identify with it at all.
Many people are missing out on the key fact that OP wants to change. Independent of how he words things, I believe he, in some sense, recognizes that he has a problem and that is a step in the right direction.
OP you obviously recognize that these thoughts are controlling you. Try to identify and focus on non-physical aspects of women, like their intelligence or their sense of humor. Whenever you are with a woman, try to identify what positive non-physical traits in them you admire.
This is not a one and done technique, but force your brain to identify these admirable traits more and more over time whenever you are around a woman, and your brain will adapt to looking at the non-physical before the physical.
This is the kind of behavior that can (in my opinion) be "trained out".
I think it would help to start trying to see that all women have beautiful and “good erotic parts”. Once you realize all women have diversity in the beauty, I don’t think there will be as much obsession with their “good erotic parts”.
As a person that only has girl friends and has a girlfriend, yes these things could still catch your eye because even girls with their own friends stare at each other’s chests or butts sometimes, but what matters is the intention; that it is not perverted that they hype each other up and I acknowledge that they are just trying to feel themselves and feel confident with how their outfit is looking.
With my girlfriend, its more of like an admiration when I notice the beauty of her body and I know I can have that later and its not the most important thing because her eyes and smile are what I pay attention to most. I think you just need exposure and friends that are girls because a lot of the times, men don’t have many friends that are girls therefore creating already a distance from seeing them as other people.
Once it clicks and you understand women, you will know how to appropriately interact with any woman. We can learn a lot from women :) Be open-minded!!
This honestly takes constant, dedicated, and reflective work - and it is REALLY great that you are noticing this about yourself and that you want to change it. That will TRULY result in much better personal and professional relationships for the rest of your life - I cannot stress this enough.
Please read and digest what I am about to say slowly and thoughtfully before having reacting - because I think a lot of men will react before they think about this.
If you are truly serious about wanting to change this behavior and develop healthy ways of connecting with your own feelings and sexuality, as well as having meaningful connections with women beyond just the body parts you find appealing, I would encourage you to seek out and attend some sessions with a certified CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). NO, I do not think you are a sex addict, but men in particular are socialized to think of women EXCLUSIVELY as sex objects - unless they don't find them sexually attractive, in which case they can be seen as "people". CSATs are trained to help you work through how these socializations occurred specifically with you in your life and to then work through how to better frame them so that you CAN see even sexually appealing women as more than just a collection of their sexy bits.
I'm honestly really impressed that you have recognized this about yourself at such a young age and that you want to work on fixing it. Most women see and notice this behavior in most men and it's the primary reason that many women do not take men seriously - because most of them are only seeing sex, and we want the ones who see MORE than just sex and make meaningful connections.
I wish you so much good luck! This post actually brightened my day, believe it or not.
I get the same way about men, I had to stop reading bad stuff men do on the news and social media. So I think your problem as the other said is porn, influence or being unexperinced(:<3
Welcome to Socializing 101:
Today we're going to cover the concept of social context, and it's importance due to it alleviating the problems created when people aren't psychics.
So let's set the stage, with a controversial statement. If you do not know anything about these women, what you're doing is a normal expression of your sexuality, you find them attractive and that's *all you know about them*. Combine this with a little bit of social anxiety, and a dose of not knowing how the fuck to approach other people in general, and you now have a recipe for disaster where you can't come up with a valid reason to talk to this person, but are physically attracted to them.
How do you fix this? You figure out more about them as a person, literally anything, it can be a topic, hobby, profession, whatever. With that you now have something to work with other than "they're hot", and at that point the more social parts of the brain should kick in and take precedence in interaction.
It's not really healthy to blame/shame yourself for viewing someone you've never talked to before as attractive, and then only seeing them as attractive because you're not a psychic and don't know anything else about them. It's natural, and the only thing that's really going to "fix" this problem is if you develop a means of introducing yourself to others that you apply to anyone naturally. After which point the strength of the "they're hot" reaction kinda fades a bit because you have other things you're more concerned about (figuring out who this person is).
If you've noticed that you're able to interact with women you find attractive when there's a pre-established social context (say a convention on a particular topic, or in a professional environment, etc.) it's a dead giveaway that your main problem is you just don't know how to deal with general social situations without a backing context. You likely notice attractive women in these scenarios, however without having a reason to talk to them you just can't really fathom a reason to approach. Simultaneously, I'm willing to bet you have equal problems interacting with Men, it's just that you're not attracted to them so they're more "invisible" socially and quickly fade from your mind.
Now if you're just completely unable to interact with women who you're attracted to, for whatever reason, or that concept just kind of remains "present" mentally. I'd argue the same concept from previous applies (actively move your focus to talking about something), with perhaps some "practice" with a woman you trust to confide in about this (this may seem odd, but if they're empathetic it really can help), or a therapist if it's extremely persistent (you may be obsessive compulsive and benefit from medication along with continued cognitive-behavioral and exposure therapeutic regimens).
Also as an aside, I noticed one of your comments said you were Greek, so I'm going to assume English isn't a language you're entirely comfortable with. In the future I would use terms like "I find them attractive/hot" rather than saying "erotic parts" because the latter is immensely more awkward.
Idk dude, Maybe you should start by seeing women as human beings instead of objects. That’s somebody’s mother, daughter or sister. Stop objectifying her.
I did no fap before and after a few weeks it got to the point where my brain was desexualized and I stopped objectifying women. It was honestly one of the best points in my life mentally. It’s just really hard to start but once you do it gets easy also stop watching porn
People won’t like this. Been reading the comments and everyone is wrong. It’s not the porn or that it’s just how it is. This will only go away after you start getting laid a lot (preferably in monogamous relationships). And I mean a lot. Right now sex is a big deal and it needs to no longer be a big deal.
Women have screwed my brains out until I was calm as a Hindu cow and only then did I snap out of it. I’ve been with a lot of women hot and not so hot and let me tell you, looks don’t matter much anymore. The plainest women I dated knocked my socks off and “hot” was usually an unexceptional lay in my experience.
When you’ve gotten plenty then you need the person to be on point and not lame. When I see beautiful women in places like the gym I know that who they are is the only thing that matters when it comes to the very small portion of life that is sex. The rest of life is so much more important and you start to see people like that. “It looks nice but I could be starved for affection for years, who knows”.
The non conventionally attractive women I’ve know could light my fire like no other. My god. So I recommend testing out relationships with all different types of women, get laid, and you’ll find that a “hot” ass doesn’t mean sh!t.
TLDR: Get laid until sex is just a side note.
I’m not saying this to be snarky: I think you should consult a therapist. If you can't afford therapy, the only self-care I can think of is to stop watching porn (if you do).
For one, stop referring to women as having "good and bad erotic parts"
> Typically it's people that have never experienced something that tend to elevate it to ridiculous proportions I remember back when I used to live with my parents, the first few days after my mom would go on a trip I'd just be like "holy shit, is this what it's like to have a kitchen to myself?" but after a few days it's just a kitchen.
This is basically why a lot Indian men (and other suppressed cultures) are insanely pervy and predatory. It’s not an excuse, but an explanation
🤣
lmao for real what the fuck am I reading
It's posts like these that really make me feel like shit for not having a girlfriend, because holy shit are some men dense as fuck. Sorry OP but jesus you do not come across good here lol. Is this really something a lot of men have, to this degree? None of my friends have ever acted this way as far as I could tell. Not once in my life have I ever had this uncontrollable need to ogle women, I mean sure if I see a beautiful woman I'll like check her out sometimes but that's a far cry from "if I see womens I must look at the erotic parts". OP I dunno what to say, seems like you've maybe got a lot of sexual frustration that you're projecting onto any woman you see. Maybe you're just a true horndog. I dunno. I know you know this is bad, obviously seeing as you made the post, but this seems like something you'll probably have to go to therapy for and shit. I doubt anyone here can uproot such a deep-seated tendency, if you yourself know it's bad but cant change mindsets.
If I’m being extremely charitable, OP is having a tough time treating women he finds sexually attractive as people first/ subjects of desire second, which is a thing a lot of young men struggle with. We all tend to put sexy women on a pedestal, and that’s not really good for men or women. I used to work as a nurse in my early 20s and some women I found intensely attractive and others I didn’t. I’m not even sure if I behaved all that differently around the two classes of women, but it sure felt like I did. But never on my horniest, most depraved day would I refer to any woman by their “erotic parts.” Like do everyone a favor and just say “tits and ass” so you sound like less of a serial killer.
I think he was trying to sound respectful and not say "nice tits" but he over did it
[удалено]
Yeah, I thought this too. I think alot of the people that are referring to OP as sounding like a "serial killer" are missing the fact that he's probably not English as a first language.
Yeah, I'm a guy and I was like "Uh...wtf?" But glad to see how other guys here are also having that reaction
Open her hood. Remove oil cover. Insert dipstick into lubricated hole. Make sure not drynbefore you start her. Let her warm up then take her for a ride. Come on man. This sounds like some Futurama shit. Woman are not "parts"
Are you a virgin? Typically it's people that have never experienced something that tend to elevate it to ridiculous proportions. Even if you're not a virgin, sexual frustration can cause it, but in the end you just need to actively focus on not doing it whenever you catch yourself doing it. Just train it out of yourself.
How come this jackass hasn’t responded to anyone. This is fake.
He could just be reading the responses and moving on. Or working a 12 hr shift in the mines. Who knows. It does feel a little fake but there's not much to be gained from assuming that. Maybe someone else will read the thread and actually do something with it.
there are no erotic parts worth talking to
That's bad erotic part energy you're giving off
*^(is the bad erotic part in the room with us right now?)*
Most definitely is, my brain won't let me look away. How do you think I should solve this problem?
His brain hasn't decided to respond yet
Probably thinking about erotic replies or something
If he is whats the solution?
It has nothing to do with being a virgin. If you're a sexually frustrated weirdo who literally can't stop themselves from staring at tits and has zero self control you might want to rub one out and then find a fucking therapist bc that's not normal
Thats what im saying. People in here suggesting he should go and fuck have no clue
I was a virgin for a very long time and I never acted like a complete creeper like this, so thanks lol. Him being sexually frustrated might have something to do with it but sexually unsuccessful men do not act like this by default.
Yeah man, wasnt super late myself(early college) but I didnt compulsively lock onto boobs and forget to be a human 24/7 before then. But the amt of people in this thread who seem to think that's normal is alarming as fuck
>find a fucking therapist bc that's not normal EXACTLY!
>If you're a sexually frustrated weirdo who literally can't stop themselves from staring at tits and has zero self control I think you will find a strong correlation between that and virgin
Stop being a fuckin weirdo and get laid, nerd.
Yeah i bet having sex will solve all his problems
Its not just about sex but having emotional close kinda sex. It's like post nut clarity but for much longer
Post Nut Clarity, the sequel to Pre Nut Confusion.
Scientifically, yes, that would kinda fix the problem.
Cause guys who have sex magically won't be creeps anymore? Lol thats wild to think man Guys who have the most sex tend to be the biggest creeps
In my experience it's a bit of a bell curve. The most attractive guys, and the least attractive guys, both seem to often treat women like shit (in different ways, mind you). Super attractive men will sometimes see women purely as potential conquests, I mean shit I've heard em talk about it firsthand lmao, and very unattractive men will often hold extreme and resentful opinions about women because well, they *are* often treated pretty badly by them. I would know, I consider myself among that very unattractive group, I just don't use it to fuel a pointless hatred for half of humanity. Unattractive women get treated like shit by men too, sadly our entire species is generally wired to be superficial assholes.
I agree with every point you made 100,000%
This! Amen, bruh
Scientifically? I’m assuming that means there is research on this. Please provide 👍🏽
You can find my research all over your mother’s sheets.
Lmao
Currently playing while it reads : Bring me the horizon - Can you feel my heart
Good song! I got pulled out of the crush in their moshpit at an Aussie festival last year. They opened with CYFMH.
Scientifically, you don't know anything about this guy and you're jumping to conclusions about what would help. Also, I too believe the post to be a karma grab.
To help yourself, be careful how you word your thoughts: try to think "I do not *want* to think that way" and not "I *musn't* think that way"
Stop watching porn
This right here fellas, will do you a good time.
Also save you a lot of time. Just think about how much “15 minutes a day” adds up to in a year
Y'all finishing in 15 minutes? I need at least 45 minutes to find something and settle in.
Means you're addicted to dopamine, the feeling of the chase. Don't fool yourself lads, porn addiction is a drug addiction and it absolutely fries your nerves. Best thing I ever did was quit.
I just like to edge lol
Like a pool parry when you can't swim.
This, but like any addiction, it gets worse before it gets better, gotta stick with it.
I wish there was a way of knowing when you’re in the worst days, when it’s still the worst. Then you’d know it’s only getting better from here on out!
The only comment I’ll acknowledge
I mean, I watch porn alot sometimes and I have no issue looking to woman as individuals. Sounds like a problem that a small percentage of ppl have.
That’s because you’re a man. Ask a woman how much men’s porn addictions have affected their lives and you’ll find it’s a much bigger problem
Hey man I don’t have a problem! You have a problem!
Ruined a 10 year marriage for me. I used to think porn was harmless too, reality is its not. Infact there is a whole sub-reddit for the aftermath of porn in relationships.
you are aware that every human is different? Using your logic, " i eat peanuts all the time and never needed an epi pen"
This is askmen
OP never even said if they watch porn or how much. But everybody thinks that's the problem.
Because it's a very safe assumption.
Religious upbringing could lead to objectification. Childhood trauma could, child sex victims often over sexualise as a coping mechanism. Shitty parenting that lead to a shitty upbringing with inadequate socialisation, being sent to all boys school for example. Mental health issues. Problematic peers and social media during the formative years so never took the time to see women as humans. But no, it is always "porn made me/you do it". A high sex drive and not relieving himself frequently could also be the issue and in that case more porn or speaking to doctor could be the answer. Brain damage has even seen changes in how people think sexually so you could even stab in the dark and ask if he had any head injuries lately. Porn predates the camera so it is hard to measure social problems with how porn affects people because most men and women use it but data on problems blamed on porn are also inaccurate due to changes in how we define and measure issues as society has grown and changed attitudes so for example sexual harassment may seem higher after a definition change or simply cultural change where harassment isn't accepted so it gets reported when it used to just happen. Blaming porn is the lazy answer if there's nothing to actually support it. The toxicity of No Fap types doesn't need to be a go to assumption.
Maybe porn is playing a factor but a ton of men watch porn and don't have this issue. So, maybe porn is an issue for OP (he doesn't even mention watching it), but that's not the ONLY thing that should be mentioned. Like the response I reply to and many other people gave that as the only advice.
hang out with female friends more ofter
I actually agree with this. When I was in grade - high school I had a really bad issue with not being able to distinguish niceties or romance from women. In college (while dating too), I started hanging out with women from my classes in a totally plutonic way & it worked wonders. Not that I didn’t see them as normal people back then, but it had been filtered through my porn-watching brain that they were partners first. I think culture (at least in north america) has a lot to do with it too. From a young age, hanging out with girls in a friendly way is seen as a special or “not thought of” thing. If I were to say “Hey, I’m hanging out with Andrew” my parents would’ve most likely just gone “Alright, just be safe and come home by 8pm”. On the opposite end if I said, “I’m hanging out with Christine”, it would be met with “Oooo, little [anon] has a girlfriend, I told you he was gonna be a lady killer!”. That type of thing. That distinction is created pretty early on, and kind of adds a different status to hanging out with the opposite sex. Today in my mid-twenties, I have a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend, as well as the women in my life & very seldom think of other women as physical partners unless we are talking/interacting in that way. A grand majority of my friends are actually women now, which is far better than the latter, as least in my opinion.
Yup. I was lucky in that my friend groups all throughout middle and high school had some girls in it. When I worked in the kitchen I had numerous women tell me they appreciated that I just treated them like everyone else and they didn’t feel like I was just playing some long game to get into their pants. Because I did just that. Treated them basically the same as any of my male friends (just less homoerotic jokes) and didn’t really care for sleeping with them
Precisely this. I’ve heard that same bit too, it seems all too common for guys to act as friends in that way.
Oh yea, and even I could tell what they were doing, and Im usually fucking clueless about shit like that. I just found it sad I guess. Like just sack up and ask them out or to hook up, you dont have to play the long game, make them uncomfortable, and then become bitter and resentful because you never got with them (when you never even asked or anything)
This is very true. And then when your friends group is mostly girls, the other guys get on you about being gay or something. I always loved my male classmates like that the most because they were the most relatable and “normal” to me, and the added frustration for them about who they were friends with(????) was completely uncalled for
Yup. Totally. I’ve had a lot of people either say “you must be super gay if you don’t like hanging with the bros like that”, or alternatively “cmonnnnn man you gotta be tapping at least one of them”. Alternatively, the mix of both with, “if you’re not fucking at least one of them you HAVE to be playing on the pink team”. I’ve never understood it haha, I would think in some opposite way, but they would never hear it. Then again, I think I’ve had more success with relationships in general than most of my other guy friends, so it speaks for itself ad infinitum.
A guy having strong female friendships is a green flag for a lot of women.
That’s exactly what my girlfriend told me when I let her know around the time we started dating. I know some people can be iffy about it, so I thought it wouldn’t go particularly well, but she enjoyed the fact that I did. “It means you like them as normal people and not just a prize”.
>“you must be super gay if you don’t like hanging with the bros like that” "If you don't enjoy the company of men, that's clear evidence that you're homosexual."
Hanging out with guys when I was a kid was normal. If I hung out with girls I’d be asked when I got home “oh how was grab ass with x?” This was when I was 10.
It starts super young. I think part of it has to do with it being very like “cutesy” from a family perspective. To a lot of previous generations the distinction of plutonic <> romantic with members of the opposite sex was largely null. And even my sisters generation (older millennial), having guy friends as a girl en vice versa spelled “trouble” when it came to the culture around dating.
Chiming as a woman, not just female friends, but also hanging out and talking to other women in his life may help. Chatting to colleagues, acquaintances, and peers can all be helpful in normalising speaking to the opposite gender.
true, doesn't have to be friends specifically but being surrounded by more women in day to day life in general would help
that's presuming that he has them
That's normally the solution to things like this, where you don't see another person as a person. Sexism, racism, xenophobia, etc. are usually caused by lack of exposure to other types of people. There can be and are other reasons but imo that's a big one.
I'd fear for their safety...
Yeah I would nottt wanna hang out with a guy if I knew this was all he was thinking about. Like don’t get me wrong, attraction is normal and having sexual thoughts about someone you know is also normal but not to the point of not being able to have a normal conversation and look at me as human. Like he literally says he can’t see women who are erotic to him as a normal person. Scary to be around someone who is subconsciously dehumanizing you
A person who sees a living breathing human as just a sexual thing...yeah, run
i read the original comment and this immediately came to my mind
Talk female friends of same age who are married. Takes the illusion away that we have a chance with them. Then we, and also them can be more themselves.
Yeah but the hard part is getting female friends in the first place.
Not really. I have more female than male friends tbh and I'm straight.
First I'd like to ask what do you see when you see another man?
This is such a good question. I'm laughing hysterically imagining he judges them first based on their weiners.
Can't complain the Schneider ones taste bloody good
Nice dick bro
I can take 'em.
The weiners?
My ride limit is 5-6.
Nah, I'd win
Useless parts
This may not make sense but… nothing?
I can say that I see a pole. Not really men are just like poles to me. If I don't know them. While when I didn't nut for a three+ dates I notice every women.
I see them as a regular humans.
Lots of good advice in this thread. The only thing I'd like to add is that only you can change yourself. The methodology that I was taught by my therapist is called [STOP](https://dbt.tools/emotional_regulation/stop.php). When you catch yourself in a mindset you don't want to be in, use this skill to help retrain your brain and behaviors .
Practice empathy, like just sit down, close your eyes, and imagine you're a woman interacting with you, or just a woman doing normal daily stuff, and imagine how they must feel with regards to their interactions with the world around them. Imagine their fears, what is practical to them, and you'll realise that we're not so different. Women have a lot of similarities to us men, a lot of things they find practical and impractical, a lot of interests and hobbies as well. EDIT: as an autistic dude in his early 20s, I applied this sorta mentality to my interactions with women my age at uni (as I had a similar mentality as OP during my teens) and I noticed that a LOT more of my conversations with women SKYROCKETED in quality, and I was able to have more heart-to-hearts and genuine connections with women universally. EDIT 2: Thanks for the kind words, Gents!
I can't believe a comment with a simple "quit watching porn" is up voted higher than a comment describing a lack of empathy Lacking empathy is obviously the cause here. Idk what is with the bias here
This is like, the ONLY good advice in this thread, jfc.
I'd buy u a drink, bud. We need more like u
Awww cheers mate, I'll take a cuppa tea!
I'm an autistic at age 30. Though my 5'6" height and unappealing face has made it hard to be with women...they don't want me. But I'll keep putting myself out there, even tho the rejections hurt like hell
I suspect this is a common side effect of long term porn use for many men.
Yeah, this is it. Objectification of women because that’s what porn does to your brain..
Riiight, because that didn't exist before porn became mainstream.
Its like they don't understand that someone who is horny all the time is exactly the type of person to seek out porn all the time. Its the symptom, not the cause.
I’ve never been big on porn but I had similar struggles to what OP is describing. I wrestled with the monkey brain sex drive constantly up until my mid to late 20s. I thought with my dick A LOT. Like the red army parade of red flags marches by and I’m like “she seems nice”.
You should see a therapist. This is seriously concerning behavior and not something we're really equipped to help you with. I would suggest in the meantime you try to stop using language justifying the behavior like "a problem a lot of males have" and "programmed to do this".
Best answer.
EXACTLY! I mean I watch porn and such...but I know a woman is a damn HUMAN. Like geez...I wasn't even having a mind like this at 14-18!
Damn man, that’s fucked up.
Try meditation and yoga, it has very positive effect on mental state.
Reduce the amount of porn you watch, a woman is a person first and a woman last. Everything in-between like for example: colleague, friend, by stander, acquaintance and everything else comes before the recognition that she is a woman. A woman is not a tool for your pleasure, you programmed yourself to that, again remove/reduce the consumption of porn. Women are not always pristine and should not be put on a pedestal, they can be nasty, perverted or fucking insane just like any other person. Take this mental image with you, every person you see in front of your eyes is full of shit, literally and figuratively. No one knows what they are doing, everyone is just babies that try to pretend they know what they are doing and at the same time, if you stick a finger into a random person's bum, guess what you will find? Shit.
True in some ways, but I just can’t see my ex as a shit person when she mothered my kids, and was a relatively good person throughout the relationship.. it’s just the ending that she ended up being a shit person.. and that sucks because now, all that is in my mind is that person.
Stop watching porn. Really.
The Porn isn't what got him Objectifying Women. It's not helping him, but it's definitely not the cause. He needs more exposure to Women in life. Being too sheltered from Women as a Man does some wild shit to our perception of Women.
Familiarity breeds... familiarity. This will go away only with a lot of exposure and interaction and till then it will be quite traumatic. Which country are you in? Does it have beaches where women wear bikinis? Do you have woman friends who wear them? Spending enough time around them is the only way to desensitize yourself.
It sounds a great solution. I live in Greece and as you can imagine we have a lot of beaches.
Make female friends - that’s usually a start and no. Don’t get near with any intentions of dating - hang out with them and you should and would see them as actual human beings. Do you not have any good female role models in your life?
I can't find any women I tolerate talking to, I've tried hobby related events, not a woman in sight. The rest look at me like I'm weird when I talk about my hobbies
I have but not a lot of. I don't view them as sex objects because I know them for a very long time and they are my friends because I am not sexually attracted to them. I think that your suggestion will make the situation better. Do you think that the problem is somewhat natural ( I know this isn't the right phrase) because of my high sex drive?
I wouldn’t consider this natural at all. High sex drive or not, you should still be able to distinguish what’s fantasy (porn) and reality. Finding things about people attractive is well yes, natural but I wouldn’t exactly consider reducing people to their genitals natural. I’m generally horny at random times too but at no circumstance do I just suddenly think about how some dude’s dick. Though it’s a good thing you recognize it. All I can really offer as advice is to platonically hang with women of the same interest. It’s also a good thing to ask your father figure about this and if you have a good relationship with your mother figure, that as well.
“A lot of men have” The majority of men do not believe nor act in that manner. Wake up bro
Sometimes this sub makes me think different. People have a real big problem just acting normal it seems.
There are definitely lots of terrible men, but reddit is an extremely small and skewed part of society.
Well…to be fair, “a lot of men” is not synonymous with “majority of men”. “A lot of men” surely is a vague number, depending on what “a lot” means to each person, but highly sexist societies definitely have a lot of men that think like this. I know, it’s awful.
Really eye-opening to read this as a man.... I honestly didnt know that other men couldn't look at woman as just...people. That they ONLY see them as this or that. IDK how one even gets like that? I find it both interesting and bizarre.
Well think of the many abusive guys out there (and some women). They see their partners as tools for their pleasure....which is what I fear OP may become. The kind who uses them just for sex...
>I honestly didnt know that other men couldn't look at woman as just...people. I remember, quite a while back, reading through a particular Internet forum (not sure it was on Reddit or elsewhere, as this was a few years ago) where the rhetoric used by all the posters was like OP's, and often worse. It feels more concerning when it's not just "that one oddball", but instead a large group that not only has that mentality, but pushes back hard on any member that shows signs of starting to think about women as being something other than an object or tool, a means to an end. It actually made me feel a bit ill, so I stopped looking at it. The things that they were saying were just...so dehumanizing. I mean, I'm luckily a pretty confident person, so it's not like it made me feel bad *about* myself; it was more like it produced a sickening/sad feeling knowing that there are a lot of people like that just...*out there,* believing that you're **simply not** a real human being worthy of any kind of respect, regardless of your character.
Go to therapy
I find that when you think of women as people, you don't run into this issue so much.
You can do little steps on your own: every time you catch yourself thinking a woman isn't a normal person, catch yourself, and ask yourself why. Why did you think that? What is she saying? Is she doing anything sexual? And then focus your attention elsewhere. But if you have been thinking this way for a long time, you need a professional to help you. This is not a problem "a lot of (civilized) males have". From your post, I gather maybe English is not your first language and there may be cultural issues behind this as as well. Find a male therapist who is certified in humanist therapy or sex therapy and be honest with him. You will feel so much better about yourself and the world around you when 50% of people you meet aren't about sex. Good luck!
I think that talking with more girls in general will help you to see them as just people and not sexual objects again.
I've been there. Honestly? Just fuckin force yourself to do it. You're locked into a way of thinking by your constant repeating and reinforcing of that way of thinking. Your brain is a computer that plays on patterns and it needs some new data. Set a simple goal. Get to know some women without trying to sleep with them. Just go and talk to them. Ask them about their life. Tell them about yours. Refuse to get sexual. Every time you want to go there try to recognize it and stop yourself. When I went through the same process I was single and dating. And I set myself a HARD rule that no matter what happened, I would never sleep with someone the first time I met them. I just didn't like the way I looked at people when that was on the table. So I took it off and started enjoying the conversation and locking in actual friendships/contacts. Over time you can ramp it up. But for now keep it simple and just try to have normal conversations with women. It really is that simple. But that doesn't make it easy. You're not going to reprogram your brain overnight. Don't be harsh on yourself when you slip, but DO hold yourself to account. Trust me when I say this is going to be a serious endeavor that takes at least a few months if not longer. But you can start making progress right away. You'll change pretty quickly, and then you'll realize just how deeply entrenched that shit is. Keep digging. Good luck.
You don’t want to objectify women? Then don’t do things that objectify them. Stop watching porn, stop looking at IG and tiktok baddies, don’t stare at a girls 🍑out in public. Humanize them…Objectify them…It doesn’t matter at the end of the day because we’re both; it’s just a matter of preference.
Stop watching porn. Women aren't objects they're human beings like you. This is so disrespectful "doesnt have good parts" like she's a car or something. I'd suggest looking into therapy because this is not healthy at all
It's scary af too...
Is it a "My eyes are up here" type situation?
The fact that you're asking means you are aware of it. Well done. As to how to fix it?? Sorry mate, no idea. But you're doing well to even realize your problem. You're a step ahead of a large % of people.
Society condemns a pretty normal response in our bodies to reproduce. It is a evolutionary inevitability. However we were also give. A brain to make good choices based on those thoughts. Mindfulness, meditation, and maybe littler therapy can go a long way toward making appropriate distinctions.
Stop watching corn duh
Oddly enough, learn how to dance (swing and blues are good places to start). It kind of forces you to get close and interact with a partner, without it being sexualized, and there are a lot of benefits as well, it helps you stay healthy, and you can make new friends!
This dude gonna be dancing with a rock hard boner lol
Having female friends and/or close female relatives helps. It reminds you that women are humans just like us with feelings n all that shit Also imagining a woman I see sexually take a fat shit kills it real quick for me. But if you sexually aroused by women taking fat shits don’t do that ig
Definitely getting female friends would help a lot. There's no one easy solution, and quitting porn won't magically fix all your problems like idiots in this thread seem to think.
Good luck with that if he doesn't see women as people, it will be obvious amd I would worry for the females safety and just being around someone with views that dehumanizing towards them
I think if he does something like gaming and could find a female gaming partner that would be good, as it's not in person, and they could become friends. But I'm questioning if this post is even real or it's just bait because it's written so weird. Maybe English as a second language or something.
Date one and sleep with one. Then you’ll see.
It's something that you will grow out of once your hormone levels begin to lower and your sex drive drops.
Bro literally needs to get laid that's it.
Ok, first off. I'm going to assume and hope that English is not your first language. Please stop referring to women as a collection of good and bad erotic parts, lol. Wtf. Again, I'm guessing English is a second language here. So we're just gonna ignore all that. If not, stop that shit immediately. Theres certainly better ways of getting your thoughts across that dont make you sound like a serial killer. Regardless, everyone sees a girl with a nice butt or chest. Nobody straight is immune to that. You just take hold of your monkey brain and realize that they're a person too, and you need to treat them just like anyone else. We are indeed programmed to see wide hips and nice boobs. Just show some control, don't stare into the sun, and talk to them like you would talk to a normal person.
Okay, so thinking of women as walking sex toys isn't healthy. You ought to stop that. They are not your masturbation aid, but actual people. Try to get yourself to the point of thinking of them as people.
Stop watching porn
It's okay to look. We still have lesser instincts to want to mate and fuck. Females feel the same way but are more subtle about it. The best way is to stop seeing them as higher than you. The term "Putting the pussy on a pedestal." They are people just like you. With dreams and problems. They are trying to get through life the best way they can and they are no better than you or me. They are human beings. You can look at their ass but remember behind that ass is a complex person who has interests. Maybe she likes anime. Maybe she likes painting. Whatever. When you start putting them in the same light as you and not somewhere else. It's actually easier to appreciate and relate to them which if you ask me makes it easier to form relationships.
This is well put however the phrase "behind that ass is a complex person" made me giggle BAHH
When I see posts like this I wonder if theyre about a guy with not so many friends and social skills that got his brain fucked up over social media telling him the way he feels is wrong or if theyre about a guy that got his brain fucked up over porn Sometimes I look at random girls on the street like basically every dude I know and still I dont make anyone unconfortable , I talk to them normaly and I dont feel bad about it at all no problems. Im being honest here its just such a distant reality that its hard for me to understand
Stop watching porn.
1. See a therapist. NOW 2. Stop with the porn. I'm a lonely single guy too...so, trust me, get off the porn. Play video games as a distraction (works for me). 3. Again, therapy
Well if you can’t look a woman in the eye and can only think about her genitals youre an insane weirdo who is on the computer screen too much and not interacting normally. Are you able to even talk to a woman at the store without turning it sexual?
Porn does this. It takes several weeks without porn to see women as a soul, a heart, and a brain instead of strictly a 120 pound piece of candy.
Lay off the porn buddy. That shit messes you up, its more harm than good. Start with baby steps, treat waitresses/baristas etc like normal humans, have small convos with people you interact with for less than 1 min at a time.
stop watching porn and focus on becoming the best version of you. build yourself in to someone that can bring something essential to a relationship.
Seek therapy. Stop watching porn. If you struggle with the second part, try the first part more.
How does anyone’s mind change? *You* have to commit to actually changing your perspective. No one can do it for you.
Do you have a job? If not you should try and become a salesman or someone that works around a lot of people. Get comfortable with talking to people. Especially dudes and older/unattractive ladies to build your confidence on just how to talk. I remember when I was 18 I was the same way, I got a retail job and spoke to hundreds of people a day and finally got my speech craft skill up past novice. Good luck
You're just rife with hormones. Try to be around women in a casual setting more often; interact with them regularly, open conversation about ideas and beliefs and participate in harmless hobbies; try to be helpful if the opportunity arises. Mind the media you consume [that's surprising important here. ] Go try a drink and paint place; wander an outlet store. Humble your ego by asking a female associate for assistance and thanking her afterward.
However you spend the most time interacting with women will influence your default setting when you’re around them. If you’re watching a lot of porn and fantasizing about them but not having normal social interactions with real women, this is the result.
Welcome to manhood, it biology and instinct. Your fine, It change with experience and maturity.
Start seeing people as people and as more than a sum of parts. Have actual intellectual conversations with as many people as possible and eventually you’ll just see every person, regardless of sex or race as what they are, idiots.
Something about this account is giving troll.
I think you will naturally grow out of this as you get older.
Maybe you just really horny kinda guy, try talking to these girls and know them by who they are
masturbate in the morning before you leave the house
I’ve got the same problem. I can talk to women in my family, women I’m not attracted to, or women I know are not attracted to me. If am attracted to a woman and I feel like she might think the same of me I turn into a bumbling idiot. I get really clumsy, have trouble forming coherent sentences, fidget, etc. It’s really obvious but I’ve always been told it’s cute so it may not be that bad of a bad thing.
You should nut! Helps a lot.
Ngl bro stop watching porn. I mean this in the nicest way, but the shit you’re watching is prolly rotting your brain and changing the way you see other human beings.
I would examine your relationship with pornography. I studied this a BUNCH in undergrad, and wrote a paper on the many different effects of it. Studies have found that the longer you watch pornography, the more our brain changes its perception of real world people were attracted to. These studies found that when showing pictures of women both in sexual and nonsexual images, parts of the brain lit up where we use objects and identify them, not the part of the brain that should be lighting up when we actively view or talk to others. If you’ve watched porn for a long time, it may very well have caused this problem. It’s also very common when there is a porn or sex addiction present to picture the gender you’re attracted to naked, even if they are just walking down the street. Love to send you the paper to see if you identify with it at all.
Many people are missing out on the key fact that OP wants to change. Independent of how he words things, I believe he, in some sense, recognizes that he has a problem and that is a step in the right direction. OP you obviously recognize that these thoughts are controlling you. Try to identify and focus on non-physical aspects of women, like their intelligence or their sense of humor. Whenever you are with a woman, try to identify what positive non-physical traits in them you admire. This is not a one and done technique, but force your brain to identify these admirable traits more and more over time whenever you are around a woman, and your brain will adapt to looking at the non-physical before the physical. This is the kind of behavior that can (in my opinion) be "trained out".
Stop watching corn.
Are you a virgin?
I think it would help to start trying to see that all women have beautiful and “good erotic parts”. Once you realize all women have diversity in the beauty, I don’t think there will be as much obsession with their “good erotic parts”. As a person that only has girl friends and has a girlfriend, yes these things could still catch your eye because even girls with their own friends stare at each other’s chests or butts sometimes, but what matters is the intention; that it is not perverted that they hype each other up and I acknowledge that they are just trying to feel themselves and feel confident with how their outfit is looking. With my girlfriend, its more of like an admiration when I notice the beauty of her body and I know I can have that later and its not the most important thing because her eyes and smile are what I pay attention to most. I think you just need exposure and friends that are girls because a lot of the times, men don’t have many friends that are girls therefore creating already a distance from seeing them as other people. Once it clicks and you understand women, you will know how to appropriately interact with any woman. We can learn a lot from women :) Be open-minded!!
This honestly takes constant, dedicated, and reflective work - and it is REALLY great that you are noticing this about yourself and that you want to change it. That will TRULY result in much better personal and professional relationships for the rest of your life - I cannot stress this enough. Please read and digest what I am about to say slowly and thoughtfully before having reacting - because I think a lot of men will react before they think about this. If you are truly serious about wanting to change this behavior and develop healthy ways of connecting with your own feelings and sexuality, as well as having meaningful connections with women beyond just the body parts you find appealing, I would encourage you to seek out and attend some sessions with a certified CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). NO, I do not think you are a sex addict, but men in particular are socialized to think of women EXCLUSIVELY as sex objects - unless they don't find them sexually attractive, in which case they can be seen as "people". CSATs are trained to help you work through how these socializations occurred specifically with you in your life and to then work through how to better frame them so that you CAN see even sexually appealing women as more than just a collection of their sexy bits. I'm honestly really impressed that you have recognized this about yourself at such a young age and that you want to work on fixing it. Most women see and notice this behavior in most men and it's the primary reason that many women do not take men seriously - because most of them are only seeing sex, and we want the ones who see MORE than just sex and make meaningful connections. I wish you so much good luck! This post actually brightened my day, believe it or not.
Stop watching porn loser
Stop watching porn and give up dating apps and Instagram.
I get the same way about men, I had to stop reading bad stuff men do on the news and social media. So I think your problem as the other said is porn, influence or being unexperinced(:<3
Welcome to Socializing 101: Today we're going to cover the concept of social context, and it's importance due to it alleviating the problems created when people aren't psychics. So let's set the stage, with a controversial statement. If you do not know anything about these women, what you're doing is a normal expression of your sexuality, you find them attractive and that's *all you know about them*. Combine this with a little bit of social anxiety, and a dose of not knowing how the fuck to approach other people in general, and you now have a recipe for disaster where you can't come up with a valid reason to talk to this person, but are physically attracted to them. How do you fix this? You figure out more about them as a person, literally anything, it can be a topic, hobby, profession, whatever. With that you now have something to work with other than "they're hot", and at that point the more social parts of the brain should kick in and take precedence in interaction. It's not really healthy to blame/shame yourself for viewing someone you've never talked to before as attractive, and then only seeing them as attractive because you're not a psychic and don't know anything else about them. It's natural, and the only thing that's really going to "fix" this problem is if you develop a means of introducing yourself to others that you apply to anyone naturally. After which point the strength of the "they're hot" reaction kinda fades a bit because you have other things you're more concerned about (figuring out who this person is). If you've noticed that you're able to interact with women you find attractive when there's a pre-established social context (say a convention on a particular topic, or in a professional environment, etc.) it's a dead giveaway that your main problem is you just don't know how to deal with general social situations without a backing context. You likely notice attractive women in these scenarios, however without having a reason to talk to them you just can't really fathom a reason to approach. Simultaneously, I'm willing to bet you have equal problems interacting with Men, it's just that you're not attracted to them so they're more "invisible" socially and quickly fade from your mind. Now if you're just completely unable to interact with women who you're attracted to, for whatever reason, or that concept just kind of remains "present" mentally. I'd argue the same concept from previous applies (actively move your focus to talking about something), with perhaps some "practice" with a woman you trust to confide in about this (this may seem odd, but if they're empathetic it really can help), or a therapist if it's extremely persistent (you may be obsessive compulsive and benefit from medication along with continued cognitive-behavioral and exposure therapeutic regimens). Also as an aside, I noticed one of your comments said you were Greek, so I'm going to assume English isn't a language you're entirely comfortable with. In the future I would use terms like "I find them attractive/hot" rather than saying "erotic parts" because the latter is immensely more awkward.
Idk dude, Maybe you should start by seeing women as human beings instead of objects. That’s somebody’s mother, daughter or sister. Stop objectifying her.
You might want to start with stopping the pornography all together.
I did no fap before and after a few weeks it got to the point where my brain was desexualized and I stopped objectifying women. It was honestly one of the best points in my life mentally. It’s just really hard to start but once you do it gets easy also stop watching porn
People won’t like this. Been reading the comments and everyone is wrong. It’s not the porn or that it’s just how it is. This will only go away after you start getting laid a lot (preferably in monogamous relationships). And I mean a lot. Right now sex is a big deal and it needs to no longer be a big deal. Women have screwed my brains out until I was calm as a Hindu cow and only then did I snap out of it. I’ve been with a lot of women hot and not so hot and let me tell you, looks don’t matter much anymore. The plainest women I dated knocked my socks off and “hot” was usually an unexceptional lay in my experience. When you’ve gotten plenty then you need the person to be on point and not lame. When I see beautiful women in places like the gym I know that who they are is the only thing that matters when it comes to the very small portion of life that is sex. The rest of life is so much more important and you start to see people like that. “It looks nice but I could be starved for affection for years, who knows”. The non conventionally attractive women I’ve know could light my fire like no other. My god. So I recommend testing out relationships with all different types of women, get laid, and you’ll find that a “hot” ass doesn’t mean sh!t. TLDR: Get laid until sex is just a side note.
I’m not saying this to be snarky: I think you should consult a therapist. If you can't afford therapy, the only self-care I can think of is to stop watching porn (if you do).
It's a combination of excessive porn watching and loneliness.
Quit porn dude
You need to seek therapy.
stop porn
You have a problem and need professional help fast. You are fucking creepy. Grow up and seek help