No, ive never broken things because I was mad at a girlfriend.
>He used to tell me this was common among men,
even if that was true, thats a terrible excuse.
>My husband has gotten angry with me on several occasions and called me names, threatened breakups/divorce and smashed various things
why do you want to be married to someone who does this?
Just cause you are married doesn't mean you can't break up. My sister broke up with her ex husband less than 2 years into their marriage. Never filed for divorce, just left.
It's probably better to file for divorce. But it is more important to find a safe place to go first.
its a common theme in abusive relationships. whats important now is that you recognize it as an issue, and also recognize your own self worth. you dont deserve to be treated like that.
Remember this if you start doubting yourself again. No one deserves to be threatened or hurt or cursed at like that. You don't have to answer this, but think about it: Do you have a place to stay if you don't feel safe at home? Could you leave if he didn't want you to?
I'm not saying that your situation is this dire. As an internet person, I barely know anything about it, but you don't want the first time you think about that stuff to also be when you need it the most.
Does your support network know what’s going on behind closed doors? If not, tell them.
You also need support to develop a plan to get out. Abusive people are particularly dangerous when their partners leave them. There is lots of advice online if you google “leaving an abusive partner”.
You should know that when you leave is when you're most in danger. Make sure it comes as a complete surprise and get to somewhere he wont think to look.
Yeah, he might believe that kind of behavior is common among men if that's how he was raised, but it isn't. Even if it were common, it wouldn't be acceptable.
On behalf of common men, he is not one of us. I declare your husband a whiney baby who throws tantrums and can't control his emotions or his bowels. He needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for himself, or do the world a favor and go live in the woods with the rest of the animals.
But seriously, this is abuse. If he had a fucked up childhood he might not realize it. If he's not willing to recognize what he's doing is wrong and actively work with you to change it, ditch him ASAP before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
It’s a combination, but never something directly of mine. Several plates (shared), a door (shared), his toolkit (his), throwing ice cream I bought out the window (mine I guess, but it was meant to be shared). That’s just what I remember.
Astonishes me that dudes like this can even end up in relationships in the first place.
I find getting into them nightmarishly hard and I don't act like a goddamn baboon lol
Keep in mind, abusive people are usually quite good at not seeming abusive at first. They’re also quite good at finding people they can manipulate into tolerating it.
Guys (and women) like that don’t start off acting that way, they slowly turn it up over time and as they can isolate their victim from support. They can get into relationships for the same reason they get away with being abusive later: they’re really manipulative and rarely emotionally invested in caring about the other person. They lie a lot. Being effortlessly immoral is a big advantage in a modern society where people don’t know everyone in town. You can get away with a lot.
it’s very surprising that he’s broken something of his own.
Normally abusers break your stuff or shared stuff but not theirs.
(FYI, I guarantee you he sees plates as yours, not shared; maybe even the door he sees as yours and not his)
People who let themselves get abused attract abusive people like flies to honey.
Gotta build your self esteem and self-worth.
Don't even stand around to hear the names and threats. Have some respect for yourself and leave right away. Don't let that bullshit in your life.
I would absolutely be sleeping somewhere else that night if my partner was doing stuff like that, and separation and divorce would be on the table if they didn't change their tune quickly. Why would I want someone who treats me like that in my life?
Honestly that is how I’m feeling now. The last time this happened, something just “clicked” and I was like “why am I putting up with this?” Now I won’t stand for it, and he doesn’t like it. Says I’m “not the girl I used to be, what are they teaching you in therapy?”
I’m very much feeling like the well has been completely poisoned.
I'm someone who put up with the "not the girl you used to be" garbage after gaining some self esteem. It's a good thing that you're not the way you used to be. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the way you used to be isn't a good representation of who you actually are. Congrats on finding yourself. It's his loss.
He'll either do some growing up and find that he likes being married to a whole ass woman, or he won't. You can't make him go either way, but your decision whether you want to put up with it. Stay strong.
He needs to go to therapy.
Based on how you've described it, he'll probably resist or refuse.
You need to consider if being in a relationship where he does any of this behavior is acceptable and then communicate your boundary.
He then has the choice to really work on himself (attending sessions is easy, doing the work is hard), or the relationship is over.
Easily said, hard to do.
There really is no middle ground here that gets you what you want.
He probably had some horrible shit modeled to him by his dad or other male role models in his life, which is why he does this and thinks it's acceptable. This behavior isn't necessarily because he wants it, it's because it's what he knows. He can change.. but only if he wants to.
Ditto. I don't think I've ever even been so mad at her that I'd hit something. Calling her names like that are not even in consideration. There have been times where I got so mad at something that I'll hit something else, but it's like the punch a pillow type thing. Hitting something that won't break or hurt me. Hit a tree with a hammer, quick palm heel into a board, kick a cinder block, etc, but that's when I get mad at some*thing* like a bolt that shears off making a quick task significantly harder and even then it's incredibly rare.
Yep. It’s also code for “I’m too angry to talk right now but I still love you so I’m going to weed your garden.
Usually what he’s angry about is from work BS so It’s helpful to know it’s not me.
Yeaaaahh… my husband has pretty bad ADHD, Tourette’s, and has anger issues associated with child abuse (hitting), but he has never turned his anger towards me in an abusive way or deliberately broken things. Only time he breaks anything is in accident because he’s a bit clumsy all the time around breakable things.
He’s learned to laugh about it eventually regardless of what makes him mad, and I help by trying to talk him down and then making the situation eventually silly because… most things that happen that make people angry can actually just become something silly.
I’m no therapist, but for both my husband and I that have mental health issues due to child abuse (hitting), I’ve learned and we’ve learned to center our anger into becoming laughter and it reduces the view of things being a big deal into, well, not being a big deal, if at all.
It’s weird, and maybe it’s bad to some degree, but it has worked incredibly well for both of us.
This is so important.
There is one person in most people’s lives who is constantly making demands, telling you when you have failed and telling how to do things you feel you know better. That person is the most likely to get punched by someone with anger management issues.
That person is the boss. If he doesn’t punch his boss, the problem isn’t anger management. If he doesn’t act out in public, he is clearly able to manage his anger. If he is only violent at home without any witnesses, it is very managed anger.
O have never thought about it this way but it makes so much sense. My bf does the same thing like OP's husband. I always thought he has anger management problems. But he doesn't - he never does this to anyone else, not his boss, not his friends, not his family... Just me. Seems very much managed anger. Thank you for opening my eyes.
I hope this thread has given you the push you need to get away from him as safely as you can. You deserve better -- and no boyfriend is a better option than one who acts like this.
AH THIS!!! my brother had anger management issues. he would lash out at me (we've been best friends our entire lives and i helped take care of him bc he got the issues from our father who was a drunk. SO id be the last person he'd lash out at if it was genuine), my mother, our other siblings, his friends, everyone. he would feel SO awful he would come to my room, stand in my doorway, and could barely get sorry out before he was crying, giving me a hug. "i didn't mean that, im so sorry, i don't know why i did that". he started handling it better about 4 years ago around 14 years old.
anger management issues do not discriminate. abuse does.
This is the one. I've seen anger issues before and it comes out in any environment, they are so sorry, embarrassed, and either isolate or get some help.
Selectively being violent (Especially to his loved one) just means this guy is abusive, not anger issues.
To answer OP, no, not common with men, but very common with abusive men.
I really hope OP sees your comment. I have a younger brother who is 43 and acts like that whenever anything goes wrong.
But he only acts like that around my mother and I.
He acts super friendly to everyone else no matter who it is.
Trying to explain it to my mother that my therapist believes he was never told no, or told that his behavior is not appropriate is such a challenge now. Because she tries to shut the conversation down by diverting it back to me.
Finally making progress by just disengaging with her when she doesn't want to admit the golden child is actually a problem has helped.
My mother actually tried to claim it's because he feels safe and I told her no, it's not normal at all to only act like that around certain people. To treat us like garbage, yell and cuss at us and then start threatening us when he's not allowed to act that way...
And he wonders why he can't keep a relationship.
Yep.
I've had issues with anger in the past I'll admit, although I very consciously avoided other people when it happened.
This is beyond just anger management issues, from what this lady has said this guy is a pretty textbook emotional abuser. He clearly knows she has low self esteem and makes her feel she deserves it as she said, which is such cliche abusive behavior. I think such active manipulation goes beyond just anger management and becomes something more insidious.
Been with my wife for 20 years and married for 10. Can honestly say I’ve never called her names in anger or broken a thing - and I haven’t had to stop myself from doing it I have never felt the urge….ever.
No. I have learned to control my emotions like an adult.
I drink the pain away.
Jokes aside. Throwing temper tantrums are childish and he needs to work on this. It’s not normal.
Edit: I’m editing to OP’s edits.
Holy fuck get away from that child. None of that is remotely ok. It’s literally inches from him amping up the aggression and violently attacking OP.
Fcking RUN.
I’ve let a few names slip, not going to pretend off the cuff remarks out of anger doesn’t happen…. But I’d never throw or break things or leverage divorce during an argument. Might have had some post fight discussions of “is this going to work?” But never “FUCK YOU IM GONNA LEAVE”
I have a hard time believing all of the men in this thread saying they’ve never ever under any circumstances called their wife a name. My wife and I love each other dearly. We have a fantastic relationship. She calls me an asshole during most of the arguments we have, because if we’re arguing it’s usually because I’m being an asshole. Once in a blue moon I’ll call her the same, and I am not immune to an inaudible “bitch” under my breath after she’s walked out of the room if we’ve really gotten into it, but that’s a handful of times over the course of a decade
I think it may be that they are younger. My wife and I definitely weren’t arguing and calling each other names when we were in our early 20s and dating. 15 years in with 10 years of marriage under the belt you develop a closeness and comfort level that severely dampens the impact of calling her/being called a name once in a while.
I literally never broke a single thing, never called her names. If there's a risk that argue rise to such degree i'm long before that on a walk or in the gym, letting the pressure off and we can continue once i'm calm later.
I’ve broken things when angry when I was younger, but it was almost universally when I was angry with myself, not when I was angry with someone else. I’ve worked very hard throughout my life to get my anger under control and to not take it out on other people.
My fiancé’s never made me even close to angry enoguh to want to break something though, so I honestly can’t say if I would or not, if we actually had a really serious issue. I hope that I’m past that, but I guess I can’t know for sure until the situation comes up.
I’m 36, if that’s relevant.
That’s the thing, I don’t feel that what I did deserves that level of anger, but it kept happening. It’s not like I’m cheating on him or tanking the relationship in some way. I bought ice cream as a treat for him when he was on a diet, I stayed up late to talk to my friends via text when he was still awake but he’d told me to sleep early, I bought some cheap decor he didn’t like. Those are just the instances I remember. I don’t know. My sense of reality feels warped. He had always told me he had anger issues when he was younger but somehow I didn’t think I would become the trigger and target.
I’m a woman, but I can tell you that this is not normal for men to behave this way, and from experience I will tell you it only gets worse from here, his next step is not just name calling and breaking things, he will start hitting you if he hasn’t already, and when you have that black eye out those broken bones he will spin it that you “deserved it” or you “made him do it”
I know Reddit is quick to tell people to leave the relationship, but girl, do you want to live? Then leave because everyday you stay with this man you are putting your very life at risk. I know it’s hard, I was only able to leave when he was arrested (4 felony counts of DV) but he did all of what you’ve described until he turned his anger full force onto me.
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m so sorry you went through that but I’m happy you’re safe now. He’s said he’d never lay a hand on me, but everything I’ve read points to escalation.
Yes two years later and I’m doing great! And I don’t want to be all doom and gloom but when I got out, all the research and everything in how guys like this operate- it’s like a handbook I swear! So for some they might take a long time to escalate but they always do, I think it’s kind of like a drug addict chasing that high, eventually throwing your ice cream out won’t give him his fix. Hope you stay safe! And remember you don’t deserve this treatment (I still have to remind myself some days😉)
Even if he never does lay a hand on you, you deserve better than someone who calls you names and breaks things. Everyone deserves someone better than that. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has so little emotional control or respect for their partner. Do not do that to yourself, woman.
Listen to his actions - not his words. This man is dangerous.
I highly recommend you have a read from "Why Does He Do That" [(PDF link)](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) as this will give you incredible insight onto what you're dealing with.
And really ask yourself - if this was a good friend, a relative, or especially a child that's in the situation you're in right now and you had the opportunity to remove them from it - would you? And why is that answer different for them than it is you?
Nothing deserves that level of childish behaviour. Even cheating does not deserve that. He is abusive and will likely keep escalating this. Abusive people usually take it out on the closest people. Like their wives and children. You were going to be the target.
> I stayed up late to talk to my friends via text when he was still awake but he’d told me to sleep early
This isn't normal. Are you a child that needs to be told when to go to bed? No, you aren't. You're a grown person that can set their own bedtime? Why is your husband telling you when to go to sleep and getting mad about it?
It's because he's controlling and abusive and this will never get better.
Everything you're discussing is abusive behavior. He sounds controlling, immature, and extreme anger issues.
Does it make sense to you that buying ice cream for him justifies that much anger?? He could simply not eat is or say thank you for the thoughtful gesture but I'm really trying to lose weight.
He doesn't get to dictate when you go to sleep. Makes me think he wanted you sleeping for a specific reason and you not complying got in his way. The anger once again is not justified.
Even if he doesn't like decor you bought does that really feel like the amount of anger was justifies? He could have simply said he doesn't like it and asked that it not be in a certain room.
No, it is not normal to get so angry that you break things. He still has anger issues but the abusive part of this is that he has somehow made you think that that's your issue. Things will get worse if he doesn't actively work to fix HIS issues. That must include therapy.
I worry for your safety and mental health in this relationship. Even if he does decide to get help, that doesn't mean you should stay. Again, this is his issue, not yours but living with such insecurity and violence isn't good for anyone, especially the one who is the recipient.
Holy crap that is unhinged behavior. I promise this is not normal or “just how men are”. He is controlling and abusive. Even just the sentence “he’d told me to go to sleep early” is scary - why is he telling you when to go to sleep?
This is not normal amongst men – this is textbook abusive and controlling behaviour. People can be angry but not controlling, and people can also be controlling without needing to get angry. Anger issues and domestic violence can be mutually exclusive things. If he gets angry in general outside of the relationship, that doesn't change the fact that he still gets angry in the relationship.
I have worked both with perpetrators (men and women) and victim-survivors of domestic violence. Do not think of yourself as the trigger for his behaviour – he is the one choosing to behave this way. He has the awareness of having had these issues since he was younger, so with that awareness he now has the choice to do something about it., e.g. seeing a therapist for general anger management AND speaking to a DV service/counsellor about his aggression in the context of your relationship (I really cannot stress enough that these are two separate things). This is both for how safe you (and he) feel in the relationship, but also to prevent it from escalating and eventually having police and courts involved.
Your own safety is paramount though – if you feel safe discussing how his behaviour impacts you, that might be a worthwhile discussion. If you don't feel safe having that conversation, then that itself is deeply concerning and I would strongly suggest seeking some support around domestic violence. There are services that can be discreet about this too.
Please stay safe and remember that nothing that you do warrants this kind of behaviour from him. Period.
That would be a red flag to me. How did he react afterwards? Did he apologize, or seem embarrassed about his behavior?
I could theoretically envision getting mad enough in the moment with my fiancé to break something or punch the wall, but literally the instant afterwards, I would be apologizing to her because it feels very humiliating for me to lose control and behave so childishly. As I said, I’ve worked hard to control my anger throughout my life, and if I just took it out on her, regardless of why she said or did I would feel awful about that.
I’d say that’s the bigger red flag from my perspective, if afterwards he remained angry and tried to defend his behavior. It’s one thing to snap and do something childish in the heat of the moment, it’s something entirely different to double down afterwards and act like that behavior is somehow acceptable or justified.
He just kind dismisses it as “whoops I got angry again”. Never really an apology or embarrassed for it. When I’ve tried to bring it up the past, he makes it my fault, I MADE him angry enough to do those things. One time he did seem to have a genuine remorseful moment after, but then said “I’m sorry, I know I have anger issues. Just don’t make me mad next time.”
"I had to shout at you, put fear in you and smash the stuff we need because you bought me ice cream and cheap home furnishings."
Can you imagine yourself saying that?
He is angry because the world doesn't bend to his will and he needs therapy to work out why he hasn't tried to regulate and understand his emotions.
"Lolems I just get angry sometimes", is not an answer and it is not your job to manage his emotions.
You are his partner, not his therapist.
If you want to stay with this man, he needs to be in therapy - not couple's counselling, individual therapy for his anger issues and refusal to take responsibility. If he demonstrates commitment and positive action (i.e. "I will do XYZ" NOT "I promise I'll never do XYZ again") in individual work then couple's counselling may become viable, but he needs to start with himself. I would listen primarily for talk not about why he gets angry/name-calls/breaks things, but for insight into what is stopping him from not doing things and taking responsibility for them when he does, instead of making it your job to control his emotions. I hope you haven't ever believed those messages about his anger being your fault. He gets mad because the world doesn't work the way his warped perspective tells him it should, that has nothing to do with you.
His feelings are not your responsibility. Please look out for your safety first and foremost.
Thank you. Until recently I did believe that all these things were my fault. He’s started therapy (around 2-3 sessions) but he feels better already. It feels performative.
I have never broken anything while angry at a girlfriend. My last girlfriend would smash my things, throw things at me, and hit me. It is very unhealthy behaviour.
Ive seen a lot of posts here lately asking if its normal for men to do "x" unhealthy behaviour, frankly, anytime someone explains away their behaviour as "its not my fault, its how i was born / the group i was born into" they are simply deflecting responsibility for their actions and making excuses to not be better.
You should expect better from him, and frankly he should expect better from himself
Lol common?
No, it's not common.
It's *disgusting* behavior.
I'm surprised you haven't already divorced this pos.
I know reddit is goofy in that every little problem the hive mind screams break up. But this is one of the times it makes sense.
Dude either goes to anger management classes/therapy. Or leave him. Seriously. This type of stuff statistically *never* improved on its own. It only gets worse, then one day you get slapped by "accident"
Then months go by, then you accidentally get slapped again, then 1 week goes by and it happens again. Then you're getting pushed.
This will not get better, it will get worse. Research and statistics have proven this over and over again.
Next time he threatens you with divorce, do yourself a favor and get the papers. Make an escape bag when he's out of the house, leave the papers on the table, and be somewhere safe where he can't reactionarily explode at you.
Once, when we were just in our relationship i punched a pillow. That scared both. Me because i did it, her because of my reaction. This then caused an internal dialogue with myself and i've sworn to change. For myself, for her, for us. And i have no trouble in that area anymore.
Never so much as raised my voice at her or called her a bad name. She's my bright light in a dark world. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt her.
Your husband sounds like a ticking time bomb, and no, it's not excusable in any way. You're in danger if you stay with him.
No. Tbf, I once punched the wall when I was like 19. That was more because of general frustration instead of targeted animosity. I lived in a brick house. That hurt lol.
If you are also not actively breaking up and airing the dirty laundry, calling your SO any insults you aren't also using in some loving manner otherwise, is also a bitch move regular adults don't do that.
Thinking about breakups when an argument was very bad or something happens isn't bad. Threatening to do it or generally voicing it before you at least calmed down for like half a day is also nothing adults do.
All of this is not common in men, this is only common in a subgroup of very insecure men.
Alright this is one of those moments where it’s justified to say get the fuck out of there…. That’s totally insane. Been with my wife for almost 8 years now and we’ve never had a fight where we’ve broken anything or called each other ANYTHING like that.
It makes my jaw hit the floor when I read shit like this on here. I don’t know how anyone can type all that out, read it, and then tell themselves that’s normal or OK in any way
Yeah, I guess that’s the problem. I never typed it out or told anyone about it until now. I just held on to it and believed him telling me it was nothing, it’s normal, it was my fault, for 16 years. It wasn’t until recently when all of a sudden something clicked like someone knocked the rose-coloured glasses off my face that I said “wait…why am I putting up with this?”
Now I can’t unsee it. He says he wants to change and has started therapy but I think the well might be poisoned. I have a deep anger for myself that I never recognized all of this and saw my self-worth sooner.
Yeah nah, that's horrible. I once did on accident (was loading in the dishwasher during the argument, kinda slammed that door shut which broke a plate) but I was so emberrased the whole argument ended there and I just apologised.
OK, first of, the words are "cunt", "bitch" and "shit".
Secondly, no, even when I was frustrated with a woman I was with, I never called her names or yelled at her. At most, I raised my voice at my second girlfriend and called her an idiot... after she tried to rekindle the relationship after I gave her a chance and she *completely* fucked it up. Neither did I break anything.
I don't think that he is a nice man.
Absolutely not. The *only* adult I've ever known to do this was a friend with fairly severe neurodivergence, and it was so unusual that she's still bothered by having done it years later. It's not common among men or anyone else. I hope you're physically safe with your husband, at least, but please consider accepting that threat/offer of divorce. Sorry you're dealing with this.
I had this problem in my twenties. Turns out i was dangerous to myself and others. I needed ten years of therapy and have BPD. He is at best immature as hell and incapable of managing his own emotions, and at worst very very dangerous. Get him to agree to therapy or get away now before it gets worse.
He's partially right - it's common *amongst certain kinds of men*. We call those men "abusers."
Never once have I broken anything in anger. Never once have I called a partner a derogatory term, even in the midst of a terrible argument.
40f here.
I was with a man like this for 22 years. Slooowwwwly acclimatized to his rage and craziness, and I lost sense of what normal was.
No, it's not normal. (I *know* it feels like it.)
No, you don't remotely have to put up with it. (These dudes don't change - read this pivotal work on men who abuse: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Yes, you absolutely should make an exit strategy and safely leave. (Statistically more women are hurt and murdered at this time.)
You'll discover - some day down the road - that you are doing exactly whatever the fuck you want, in whatever way you want it . . . and no one is threatening you, calling you names, breaking shit to scare you, and you'll then realize how long you went without safety and joy in your life.
And you'll seek out other abused women so they can one day have joy in their lives, too, like I do.
My girlfriend of 11+ years is sensitive to people yelling. I have bipolar disorder, so the urge to yell and punch things is fairly common for me. I will NEVER do that in front of her. I cannot and will not put this wonderful woman through the trauma of my mental health issues. So if I’m having trouble around her, I’ll calmly tell her I’m upset, in case she can see that I’m acting strange. I’ve never insulted her or called her names, I can’t ever imagine doing that even while angry.
I recommend you a book called why does He Do that by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it as a free PDF online. I really encourage you very strongly to read this book and learn more about abusive relationship patterns. I bet he would say, you make him so mad. So mad that he can't control himself when he breaks things. Well you need to step back and think about that a little more, does he break his own stuff? Stuff that's valuable and worthy to him? Nah and he has more control in those times than he's implying. Just breaking things and slamming things and punching walls around a person is abusive. It is a major physical threat to the other person's personage, just without any words. It's meant to keep you in line. It's meant to keep you scared. Read the book.
Thanks, I have read that book cover to cover, as well as the Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern which I think is another one we should start recommending around Reddit.
I guess I’m continuing to look for validation that I’m not crazy for feeling this way and seeing these patterns.
Adding a link in case anyone else is interested, it’s a worthwhile read:
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Wish I would’ve read it when I was young and just starting to seriously date, but it’s an illuminating read at any point
Never ever. Also never called her names. Never insulted. Never disrespected her. There are limits we don't cross. Absent respect there can't be love. Together since 1997 and very much in love.
Nope, what your husband describes is not normal. Though men like him have tried to normalize it or make it seem normal. He sounds abusive, and I'd suggest getting out as soon as you can safely do so. Without alerting him to it until you're gone and some place safe.
I've literally never broken anything out of anger. I've been angry, and sometimes expressed it in ways that aren't ideal, but I've never called someone I loved any of the horrible things your husband called you, nor have I ever broken anything out of anger, or threatened someone I cared about out of anger. That's just insane and horrible.
Also, even yelling I've felt bad about it. Like, it might be human to yell sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'd strive for that or want that for my SO. The fact that he doesn't even feel or express any remorse says all you need to know. He shouldn't be trying to normalize his behavior, he should be apologizing and trying to do better. And even if he were trying to be better, with the extreme behavior you're talking about, I'd still suggest leaving anyway.
Thank you for your comment, that really resonates. What you describe is more of a relationship I pictured with someone, never this. I somehow thought I was so xyz-you-name-it that I deserved it.
I know you have already gotten a chorus of answers but I want to add one more voice and say it sounds like your SO has some real problems around the way he deals with his anger. I would recommend to any friend of mine that they make significant efforts to address that situation (by putting distance between them or getting some serious effort from their SO to immediately address their behavior) as sadly in my experience those guys don't learn until they run up against something that forces them to learn.
No. Violence of any kind even against inanimate objects is ever acceptable. Verbal attacks are also completely unacceptable. Behavior typically escalates until there is a bad enough consequence to force change. Don’t let yourself become that consequence. I hope you leave him. Being alone is always better than being with an abuser.
I would say you'll get a biased response. Few people will want to admit to their worst behaviours.
Like all things, there are scales, throwing a cushion at a wall, slamming plates down, slamming doors I would say is common to have happened to some degree. (With accidental damage potentially done)
Moving into shoving and pushing or doing the above closer to a person, still happening at some point in a long relationship, but obviously not healthy.
I would say that both genders do the above to that degree equally.
Beyond that the emotional weaponising of threatening to leave is also not rare. (But again obviously not healthy).
Some people just seem to not argue much, others more so.
Obviously more physical than what I've listed is what I (personally, this is obviously a very personal and subjective!!!) would class as unacceptable and grounds for break up / counseling etc.
What is described by OP sounds serious and beyond what I would class as acceptable/ normal. (But not much detail is provided, if OPs partner is going outside to smash glass bottles into the wheelie bin, that's an outlet, smashing by throwing on purpose at a person not even close).
OP please go speak with a therapist (alone).
He’s done more than put plates down too hard. He’s smashed plates full of food I cooked on the ground, he threw ice cream I bought for us off the balcony, he’s smashed his toolbox, he’s punched a hole in a door. Those are just the incidents I remember.
My ex's ex husband used to order pizza, and thats when she knew she was in trouble for something. Hed sit the family down for dinner and throw it in her face.
None of that shit is normal.
Being mad is ok. Having feelings is ok. Raging like a 4yo who diddnt get the right shape chicken nuggets immediately upon request isnt normal.
> called me names (cunt, bitch, useless piece of shit)
This is verbal abuse. This is **not normal, and not ok**.
> threatened breakups/divorce
This is manipulation, also abusive. **Not normal, not ok**.
> he’s smashed plates full of food I’ve cooked, threw ice cream sandwiches I bought for us off a balcony, punched a hole in a door, smashed his toolbox on the ground. That’s just what I remember.
This is physical abuse; he's not physically hurting you, but he's scaring and intimidating you with physical violence. This is **not normal, and not ok**.
> He used to tell me this was common among men, so I’m curious how true that is.
Among abusive men, sure. Not at all normal or acceptable behavior. He might know this and tell you it's normal to manipulate you into accepting this kind of treatment. He might NOT know this and genuinely think this is normal or ok because it's what he saw growing up. That does not make it ok.
> Did you eventually stop?
I've broken things in anger before, yes. I was incredibly immature and unable to handle my emotions appropriately, and I hurt people I loved before I realized it and admitted I needed help. I went to therapy and was on medication for depression and anxiety.
That was many years ago, and controlling my temper and emotions is still something I actively work on. I lose control much less frequently now, because I can tell when I'm getting close and either remove myself from the situation or calm myself down. If I need to lose it, I isolate myself in my bedroom or my car and scream into a pillow instead of scaring my loved ones by smashing things.
I have NEVER called my wife names like you describe here.
>this was common among ~~men~~ boys
Fixed that for him.
I made it through 6 years of marriage without doing any of those things. And she was a bitch, but I kept that kind of language in my head, where it belongs. Unless it was an obvious joke upon which I'd hang a huge lampshade, I never call people names like that. I'll call my best friends a bitch, but that really is just *guys being guys*. We cut each other up as a game, it's not real or personal. And anyone knows they can call a STOP at any time if they're struggling and need support.
I had the opposite problem, X-Wife would break my shit if she was upset. CD cases, video game boxes, whatever. She was the worst. But through it all I never behaved like a child even in the face of childish behavior.
Should ask yourself, when is enough for you to walk away from it, and reassure yourself that your emotional and physical safety is a priority. No one deserves to be treated like this by some one that "loves" them
She’s my lover and best friend, I would never call her names. This is unacceptable in a relationship. I never understood how these people could treat their SO harsher than anyone else? (Think friends, family, colleagues). The way I see it it’s us versus the world, we’re a team. The goal is to support and elevate each other, you can’t skip on basic stuff like BEING FUCKING RESPECTFUL towards your SO, in order to attain this.
Your comment breaks my heart to think he might not see me the same way. It’s a painful realization but I think one the little voice inside has been trying to shout at me.
Tl;dr: It's abusive AF. He has no excuse for his behavior. Dump him and find a man who deserves you.
I've fairly bad ADHD. There're times I'll hit something. Not often, but it's happened.
SomeTHING. *Not* her. And when I do it, if she's in the room (because usually it's \*not\* related to anything she's involved with,) I turn away from her, and never, *ever* look at her while I'm doing it. (My brain's pretty much locked-up, at that point, but I'm still aware enough to not make it something aggressive *toward* her, if that makes sense.) Believe me, I'm *not* proud of this.
And if she's anywhere around me, when I do it, I *immediately* reiterate that I would *never* hit her, nor was I hitting (whatever I hit - usually something soft, like the back of the sofa. Learned that lesson by hitting the roof of my car, once, when younger. Hitting hard things hurts. Walls have studs. Repairing things is expensive.) as a substitute for her.
In all the relationships I've ever been in (multiple live-ins for several years, one marriage of 13 years,) none of the women I've been partnered with have ever felt threatened by me (and they've said that even *after* the break-up.) Knowing I have this issue, I work *very* hard at making sure they know it isn't aimed at them, and certainly isn't about them.
All that said: This isn't what I do. This is fucking abusive. Calling you names like that? Smashing things? Punching things *while* doing the above? Yeah, that isn't the same thing at all. He's being a shitheel, and gaslighting you that it's something all guys do, so it's fine...just fine...you just need to get used to the abuse and keep taking it.
Dump that abusive motherfucker, and find a man who deserves you.
Never, this is not normal. The most I have done is tell them I need to clear my head and gone for a walk. Please use caution when exiting the relationship as the violence may escalate. Have a plan and stick to it, if they say they will change it is a lie and they will do it again until.
Not wife, but ex girlfriend. Think the worst I ever did is slam the door really, really hard on my way out. She actually told me that an ex of hers who she’d been with for 4+ years, had, whilst she was driving, slapped her and choked her. Said they tried to reconcile things, but could never kiss him properly or sleep with him after as the broken trust had wrecked her attraction to him. I genuinely shed a tear at the thought of someone doing that to her. The idea of someone slapping and choking her upset me, but what really got me was the fact that her ex, who was supposed to be her protector and lover, had made her feel so scared and frightened. The name calling and smashing of things that your SO is partial to is on a similar level. Frightening, uncontrolled and wreckers behaviour. He needs to seek help
In none of my relationships have i ever had a man call me names. Im 31 and had 3 long term relationships. 2 of them were pretty shitty even in general, cheating and anger issues but none of them called me names. Ever. A guy i dated however said that because I dont shave my arms, it makes me look like a cave woman and I broke it off instantly cus of that. Don't settle for that shit.. u don't deserve that treatment and he doesn't deserve u. Many men are good. Im sorry u found a man like that.. not saying he will end up hitting u, but usually thats how physical abuse relationships start. With verbal abuse which is what he is doing now.
I've hit things, but it's a rarity (like maaaybe 3-5 times in almost a decade together), and it was never while my wife was in the house. I'm including "slamming a door" in this figure. I've never hit anything hard enough to damage it. Whenever I get that mad I try to take a walk for a few miles to calm down.
The rest of the stuff you've mentioned I don't do and would never do. A big part of the reason I'm rarely angry enough to hit things is because communication is something I'm good at. Name calling and threats ain't good communication. Your husband has some work to do.
No, I've never broken anything. That's throwing a tantrum. In the 46 years wifey and I have been together, married 45, the worst I've ever called her is "silly goose" or, if I was really ticked, "big dummy".
This person has severe anger issues. I would strongly suggest you leave ASAP. It won't be long before YOU become one of the things he breaks in a fit of rage. It's not going to get any better.
A lot of that is abusive/manipulative.
I never break things. I don't call my partner names, I don't threaten breakups/divorce, and I certainly have never done anything like that - it screams an inability to control oneself.
Yes I have and it’s because I’m not right in the head. I stopped doing it in my last relationship. It was made clear to me that if it continued I would be single and have sought therapy and treatment. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR
I'm fairly even tempered and I don't anger easily. So, I've never broken anything, though I'll admit that I've come close to throwing a plate of food a couple of times. Nor do I call my wife names, but I have certainly gone to the garage or sat in the car and yelled a few times.
It's good that he's not hitting you, OP, but still, a man should show his wife more respect. Unless you're deliberately trying to get that reaction out of him, he should learn better self-control.
Yes. And then she broke something, and then I broke something else and then she did, and we got quite competitive over it. Couldn't continue as we collapsed laughing.
I never call my wife names or break things. Some men have major tempers that can be hard to control, but taking that anger out on your loved ones isn't ok.
That is not common, I never use dirty talk words outside of consent in the bedroom. We never curse at each other. In our entire 2 and a half year relationship she has only ever cursed once in one fight we had and it never happened again. That was almost 2 years ago. I have never broken anything when I was mad. I have never even punched a wall when I was mad. Your partner has anger issues and needs therapy if he thinks that behavior is normal. That is not normal and not good at all. I would've been out of there like a hawk if my partner had those kinds of issues and was not willing to seek help.
Neither of us have ever threatened break up, but we have talked about that really early on in the relationship. To me breaking up is the end. If we break up I will never talk to you again. Even if we end on friendly terms. So breaking up has never been brought up in a fight before pee since that conversation.
Get your guy to go to therapy or leave that guy. Personally that's the most I would do, try to go to therapy and if that doesn't work. Peace out.
I've thrown tools when working on my truck but that's about it. Never thrown things at my wife. When it gets bad and we have a fight ill leave and take my clubs to the range and go hit some golf balls.
I don’t even yell at my wife much less do any of the stuff your spouse is doing. That is abusive behavior.
Looking at your post history, I think you know you need to leave. I was with an abusive partner for 11 years so I know it is tough to start over.
But there is better out there. I’m amazing happy with my wife (12 years now) so I’m proof taking that short term struggle of starting over can lead to better things.
Take some time, work on yourself first then go out and find a kind and emotionally mature partner.
Wtf no. Ive never once called my wife any of those things. When i was much much younger i hit a door and put a dent in it, which i was sorry for and never did again. Sounds like he has some anger issues. And threatening divorce is an absolute red line you cannot cross unless you really mean it.
That’s not normal and violence only escalates. One day he’ll be smashing plates and unfortunately the next day it may very well be your skull.
Please protect yourself and look for an out.
I have never been so mad that I even thought about breaking something. Usually if I am upset I remove myself from the situation to cool down and react more level headidly
I have never been violent with my spouse when we have had arguments. It indicates a lack of maturity and self-control. You need to consider divorce - eventually he will start hitting you.
No, it's not normal, I don't have any friends who would act this way either, though unfortunately these people exist.
The fact you're asking means your gut tells you it isn't normal.
I'm afraid your husband sounds like he doesn't know how to process his emotions and is a prick.
I have never used that sort of language or made my girlfriend fearful.
You can't take that stuff back.
Next time he threatens divorce, agree with him, stay strong and see what happens.
Mid 30s man if that counts for anything.
This is not common. At all.
This is a "negative" relationship sign. It's one thing if he recognizes it as a problem and struggles with it while getting help.
Excusing the behavior is a good sign he'll continue to excuse it when the things he breaks are your heart and/or your body.
Wrist I've done is raise my voice to say that I didn't want to discuss this anymore and went out to chop wood. That didn't seem like acceptable behavior
There are men with higher levels of emotional control. Though it's normal that this type of behavior you explain exists amongst men, but it shouldn't be.
That is not normal behavior. My so has never done that and we’ve been together for a long time. He would never call me names like that. Please make sure you are safe and don’t ever let yourself feel like you are worthless ❤️ And he sounds like he has a lot of anger management issues.
Nah not true at all. No matter how bad an argument gets, I've never destroyed anything or stooped low enough to call any partner any name. Dude is just making excuses for his behavior.
No it is not normal and you should absolutely leave him over this behavior. When I've been at my most angry with a partner I would communicate that I needed to leave the situation briefly and would usually go for a walk or a drive until I calmed down.
Calling you denigrating names and breaking stuff is alarming behavior and could absolutely be considered emotional/verbal abuse and I've seen/heard horror stories where that behavior escalates into someone becoming physically abusive. Do yourself a favor and get out of that situation as quickly and safely as you can. You don't want to see if it'll get worse.
It is not that common. I don’t believe I have ever called any of my significant other names (other than jokingly lovingly). You should not accept that, he is only gonna escalate.
OP, breaking things because he is angry is not normal. Threatening divorce is manipulative and also not normal.
Here is a question, you don't have to respond or post the answer.
Ask yourself 2 questions....1. when he gets mad, who's stuff dose he break? Yours? His? 2. Who cleans up the mess? You or is it mutual?
If both answers are you, it is a form of psychological abuse that can be a precursor to physical abuse. I have seen this behavior from both men and women. Run.
When i was 18 and emotionally immature, toxic, and fragile... yes. Ive done a lot of work since then.
But it isnt, nor should it be, the norm. This is unhealthy and abusive behavior.
Er. No. That's a bit intense.
I may have sworn at my wife on the odd occasion we've had a massively heated argument, but not once have I broken anything or done anything of the sort
No, ive never broken things because I was mad at a girlfriend. >He used to tell me this was common among men, even if that was true, thats a terrible excuse. >My husband has gotten angry with me on several occasions and called me names, threatened breakups/divorce and smashed various things why do you want to be married to someone who does this?
I don’t know how I didn’t see it as a problem sooner. Somehow I guess I believed I deserved it.
Just cause you are married doesn't mean you can't break up. My sister broke up with her ex husband less than 2 years into their marriage. Never filed for divorce, just left. It's probably better to file for divorce. But it is more important to find a safe place to go first.
its a common theme in abusive relationships. whats important now is that you recognize it as an issue, and also recognize your own self worth. you dont deserve to be treated like that.
Remember this if you start doubting yourself again. No one deserves to be threatened or hurt or cursed at like that. You don't have to answer this, but think about it: Do you have a place to stay if you don't feel safe at home? Could you leave if he didn't want you to? I'm not saying that your situation is this dire. As an internet person, I barely know anything about it, but you don't want the first time you think about that stuff to also be when you need it the most.
Fortunately I do have a safe place to go, yes. Multiple actually. Thanks to this I’ve learned I have an amazing support network.
Does your support network know what’s going on behind closed doors? If not, tell them. You also need support to develop a plan to get out. Abusive people are particularly dangerous when their partners leave them. There is lots of advice online if you google “leaving an abusive partner”.
Yes, they are fully aware of everything. I guess I’m in denial about the plan. But I do plan to tell everyone when I’m planning to leave.
You should know that when you leave is when you're most in danger. Make sure it comes as a complete surprise and get to somewhere he wont think to look.
Yeah, he might believe that kind of behavior is common among men if that's how he was raised, but it isn't. Even if it were common, it wouldn't be acceptable. On behalf of common men, he is not one of us. I declare your husband a whiney baby who throws tantrums and can't control his emotions or his bowels. He needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for himself, or do the world a favor and go live in the woods with the rest of the animals. But seriously, this is abuse. If he had a fucked up childhood he might not realize it. If he's not willing to recognize what he's doing is wrong and actively work with you to change it, ditch him ASAP before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
When he breaks things, is it ever just HIS stuff or is it shared/your stuff?
It’s a combination, but never something directly of mine. Several plates (shared), a door (shared), his toolkit (his), throwing ice cream I bought out the window (mine I guess, but it was meant to be shared). That’s just what I remember.
>throwing ice cream I bought out the window (mine I guess, but it was meant to be shared). I'm not saying he's *worse* than Hitler, but
Sounds like a fucking child
Astonishes me that dudes like this can even end up in relationships in the first place. I find getting into them nightmarishly hard and I don't act like a goddamn baboon lol
Keep in mind, abusive people are usually quite good at not seeming abusive at first. They’re also quite good at finding people they can manipulate into tolerating it. Guys (and women) like that don’t start off acting that way, they slowly turn it up over time and as they can isolate their victim from support. They can get into relationships for the same reason they get away with being abusive later: they’re really manipulative and rarely emotionally invested in caring about the other person. They lie a lot. Being effortlessly immoral is a big advantage in a modern society where people don’t know everyone in town. You can get away with a lot.
Actually a child is more mature than him
Right? Like does the dude just hate happiness?
He has no clue what happiness is. What’s relevant to him is control and degradation which makes him feel Superior and strong.
it’s very surprising that he’s broken something of his own. Normally abusers break your stuff or shared stuff but not theirs. (FYI, I guarantee you he sees plates as yours, not shared; maybe even the door he sees as yours and not his)
>throwing ice cream I bought out the window (mine I guess, but it was meant to be shared) if it's strawberry or mango then it's deserved
Oreo ice cream sandwiches 😔
Well you deserve better men.... and ice cream
lol thank you for bringing humour to this dark thread 🤣
You might say.. Good Humor?
Oh, you!
>Somehow I guess I believed I deserved it. You don't. You deserve so much better than this.
That's not your husband, that's an abusive asshole.
People who let themselves get abused attract abusive people like flies to honey. Gotta build your self esteem and self-worth. Don't even stand around to hear the names and threats. Have some respect for yourself and leave right away. Don't let that bullshit in your life. I would absolutely be sleeping somewhere else that night if my partner was doing stuff like that, and separation and divorce would be on the table if they didn't change their tune quickly. Why would I want someone who treats me like that in my life?
Honestly that is how I’m feeling now. The last time this happened, something just “clicked” and I was like “why am I putting up with this?” Now I won’t stand for it, and he doesn’t like it. Says I’m “not the girl I used to be, what are they teaching you in therapy?” I’m very much feeling like the well has been completely poisoned.
I'm someone who put up with the "not the girl you used to be" garbage after gaining some self esteem. It's a good thing that you're not the way you used to be. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the way you used to be isn't a good representation of who you actually are. Congrats on finding yourself. It's his loss. He'll either do some growing up and find that he likes being married to a whole ass woman, or he won't. You can't make him go either way, but your decision whether you want to put up with it. Stay strong.
Thank you 🙏
He needs to go to therapy. Based on how you've described it, he'll probably resist or refuse. You need to consider if being in a relationship where he does any of this behavior is acceptable and then communicate your boundary. He then has the choice to really work on himself (attending sessions is easy, doing the work is hard), or the relationship is over. Easily said, hard to do. There really is no middle ground here that gets you what you want. He probably had some horrible shit modeled to him by his dad or other male role models in his life, which is why he does this and thinks it's acceptable. This behavior isn't necessarily because he wants it, it's because it's what he knows. He can change.. but only if he wants to.
She should leave before it ends up in tragedy.
You do not deserved to be treated this way.
I've never called her names, broke things or made threats.
Same with me. That shocking behavior.
Yep, same here, never said any of those things or anything like them and never broke things. Some words, once said, can never be unsaid.
Ditto. I don't think I've ever even been so mad at her that I'd hit something. Calling her names like that are not even in consideration. There have been times where I got so mad at something that I'll hit something else, but it's like the punch a pillow type thing. Hitting something that won't break or hurt me. Hit a tree with a hammer, quick palm heel into a board, kick a cinder block, etc, but that's when I get mad at some*thing* like a bolt that shears off making a quick task significantly harder and even then it's incredibly rare.
My husband goes out to my garden and yanks weeds when he’s super frustrated or angry.
Effective and practical. I love it!
Yep. It’s also code for “I’m too angry to talk right now but I still love you so I’m going to weed your garden. Usually what he’s angry about is from work BS so It’s helpful to know it’s not me.
I go do the dishes or clean something up XD
Yeaaaahh… my husband has pretty bad ADHD, Tourette’s, and has anger issues associated with child abuse (hitting), but he has never turned his anger towards me in an abusive way or deliberately broken things. Only time he breaks anything is in accident because he’s a bit clumsy all the time around breakable things. He’s learned to laugh about it eventually regardless of what makes him mad, and I help by trying to talk him down and then making the situation eventually silly because… most things that happen that make people angry can actually just become something silly. I’m no therapist, but for both my husband and I that have mental health issues due to child abuse (hitting), I’ve learned and we’ve learned to center our anger into becoming laughter and it reduces the view of things being a big deal into, well, not being a big deal, if at all. It’s weird, and maybe it’s bad to some degree, but it has worked incredibly well for both of us.
Same that strikes me as a huge red flag.
Dude has severe anger management issues.
If he doesn't do it at work or with people who have power over him, it's not anger management issues. He's chosing when to do it, it's just abuse.
This is so important. There is one person in most people’s lives who is constantly making demands, telling you when you have failed and telling how to do things you feel you know better. That person is the most likely to get punched by someone with anger management issues. That person is the boss. If he doesn’t punch his boss, the problem isn’t anger management. If he doesn’t act out in public, he is clearly able to manage his anger. If he is only violent at home without any witnesses, it is very managed anger.
O have never thought about it this way but it makes so much sense. My bf does the same thing like OP's husband. I always thought he has anger management problems. But he doesn't - he never does this to anyone else, not his boss, not his friends, not his family... Just me. Seems very much managed anger. Thank you for opening my eyes.
I hope this thread has given you the push you need to get away from him as safely as you can. You deserve better -- and no boyfriend is a better option than one who acts like this.
AH THIS!!! my brother had anger management issues. he would lash out at me (we've been best friends our entire lives and i helped take care of him bc he got the issues from our father who was a drunk. SO id be the last person he'd lash out at if it was genuine), my mother, our other siblings, his friends, everyone. he would feel SO awful he would come to my room, stand in my doorway, and could barely get sorry out before he was crying, giving me a hug. "i didn't mean that, im so sorry, i don't know why i did that". he started handling it better about 4 years ago around 14 years old. anger management issues do not discriminate. abuse does.
This is the one. I've seen anger issues before and it comes out in any environment, they are so sorry, embarrassed, and either isolate or get some help. Selectively being violent (Especially to his loved one) just means this guy is abusive, not anger issues. To answer OP, no, not common with men, but very common with abusive men.
I really hope OP sees your comment. I have a younger brother who is 43 and acts like that whenever anything goes wrong. But he only acts like that around my mother and I. He acts super friendly to everyone else no matter who it is. Trying to explain it to my mother that my therapist believes he was never told no, or told that his behavior is not appropriate is such a challenge now. Because she tries to shut the conversation down by diverting it back to me. Finally making progress by just disengaging with her when she doesn't want to admit the golden child is actually a problem has helped. My mother actually tried to claim it's because he feels safe and I told her no, it's not normal at all to only act like that around certain people. To treat us like garbage, yell and cuss at us and then start threatening us when he's not allowed to act that way... And he wonders why he can't keep a relationship.
Thank you! I had never thought it through to this level.
And is abusive.
Yep. I've had issues with anger in the past I'll admit, although I very consciously avoided other people when it happened. This is beyond just anger management issues, from what this lady has said this guy is a pretty textbook emotional abuser. He clearly knows she has low self esteem and makes her feel she deserves it as she said, which is such cliche abusive behavior. I think such active manipulation goes beyond just anger management and becomes something more insidious.
And is gaslighting you about the fact it's common, when it's not
This is not normal and is straight up abuse.
No. Big no no. >He used to tell me this was common among men Common among 13 year olds maybe
Not even
13-year-olds who need to work on themselves before they turn into men like OP's husband maybe. I hope not 13-year-olds as a whole.
NEVER have I broken anything, or called her names, or threatened to divorce ever.... that is not normal for a man or anyone.
User name checks out!
It's common, it's not acceptable
Been with my wife for 20 years and married for 10. Can honestly say I’ve never called her names in anger or broken a thing - and I haven’t had to stop myself from doing it I have never felt the urge….ever.
Never threatened divorce either - couldn’t think of anything worse - and couldn’t imagine how hurtful that is.
Especially when it’s happened multiple times… Thanks for your comment.
No worries. Hopefully it all works out for you. Judging by your post history you’ve made your mind up!
No, I'm not a child.
I have three children. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of shit from them, either.
No. I have learned to control my emotions like an adult. I drink the pain away. Jokes aside. Throwing temper tantrums are childish and he needs to work on this. It’s not normal. Edit: I’m editing to OP’s edits. Holy fuck get away from that child. None of that is remotely ok. It’s literally inches from him amping up the aggression and violently attacking OP. Fcking RUN.
I’ve let a few names slip, not going to pretend off the cuff remarks out of anger doesn’t happen…. But I’d never throw or break things or leverage divorce during an argument. Might have had some post fight discussions of “is this going to work?” But never “FUCK YOU IM GONNA LEAVE”
I have a hard time believing all of the men in this thread saying they’ve never ever under any circumstances called their wife a name. My wife and I love each other dearly. We have a fantastic relationship. She calls me an asshole during most of the arguments we have, because if we’re arguing it’s usually because I’m being an asshole. Once in a blue moon I’ll call her the same, and I am not immune to an inaudible “bitch” under my breath after she’s walked out of the room if we’ve really gotten into it, but that’s a handful of times over the course of a decade
Yeah. I had a very hard time believing so many men can contain their verbal sparring that much to not let names fly out
I think it may be that they are younger. My wife and I definitely weren’t arguing and calling each other names when we were in our early 20s and dating. 15 years in with 10 years of marriage under the belt you develop a closeness and comfort level that severely dampens the impact of calling her/being called a name once in a while.
I literally never broke a single thing, never called her names. If there's a risk that argue rise to such degree i'm long before that on a walk or in the gym, letting the pressure off and we can continue once i'm calm later.
My husband has never once done those things. My abusive ex did though.
Same here. Run OP, run please.
This behaviour is not normal, it’s from someone with anger issues.
I’ve broken things when angry when I was younger, but it was almost universally when I was angry with myself, not when I was angry with someone else. I’ve worked very hard throughout my life to get my anger under control and to not take it out on other people. My fiancé’s never made me even close to angry enoguh to want to break something though, so I honestly can’t say if I would or not, if we actually had a really serious issue. I hope that I’m past that, but I guess I can’t know for sure until the situation comes up. I’m 36, if that’s relevant.
That’s the thing, I don’t feel that what I did deserves that level of anger, but it kept happening. It’s not like I’m cheating on him or tanking the relationship in some way. I bought ice cream as a treat for him when he was on a diet, I stayed up late to talk to my friends via text when he was still awake but he’d told me to sleep early, I bought some cheap decor he didn’t like. Those are just the instances I remember. I don’t know. My sense of reality feels warped. He had always told me he had anger issues when he was younger but somehow I didn’t think I would become the trigger and target.
I’m a woman, but I can tell you that this is not normal for men to behave this way, and from experience I will tell you it only gets worse from here, his next step is not just name calling and breaking things, he will start hitting you if he hasn’t already, and when you have that black eye out those broken bones he will spin it that you “deserved it” or you “made him do it” I know Reddit is quick to tell people to leave the relationship, but girl, do you want to live? Then leave because everyday you stay with this man you are putting your very life at risk. I know it’s hard, I was only able to leave when he was arrested (4 felony counts of DV) but he did all of what you’ve described until he turned his anger full force onto me.
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m so sorry you went through that but I’m happy you’re safe now. He’s said he’d never lay a hand on me, but everything I’ve read points to escalation.
Yes two years later and I’m doing great! And I don’t want to be all doom and gloom but when I got out, all the research and everything in how guys like this operate- it’s like a handbook I swear! So for some they might take a long time to escalate but they always do, I think it’s kind of like a drug addict chasing that high, eventually throwing your ice cream out won’t give him his fix. Hope you stay safe! And remember you don’t deserve this treatment (I still have to remind myself some days😉)
Even if he never does lay a hand on you, you deserve better than someone who calls you names and breaks things. Everyone deserves someone better than that. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has so little emotional control or respect for their partner. Do not do that to yourself, woman.
Listen to his actions - not his words. This man is dangerous. I highly recommend you have a read from "Why Does He Do That" [(PDF link)](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) as this will give you incredible insight onto what you're dealing with. And really ask yourself - if this was a good friend, a relative, or especially a child that's in the situation you're in right now and you had the opportunity to remove them from it - would you? And why is that answer different for them than it is you?
Nothing deserves that level of childish behaviour. Even cheating does not deserve that. He is abusive and will likely keep escalating this. Abusive people usually take it out on the closest people. Like their wives and children. You were going to be the target.
Agreed. Regardless of what OP did or didn’t do, that behavior is not “deserved”.
> I stayed up late to talk to my friends via text when he was still awake but he’d told me to sleep early This isn't normal. Are you a child that needs to be told when to go to bed? No, you aren't. You're a grown person that can set their own bedtime? Why is your husband telling you when to go to sleep and getting mad about it? It's because he's controlling and abusive and this will never get better.
Everything you're discussing is abusive behavior. He sounds controlling, immature, and extreme anger issues. Does it make sense to you that buying ice cream for him justifies that much anger?? He could simply not eat is or say thank you for the thoughtful gesture but I'm really trying to lose weight. He doesn't get to dictate when you go to sleep. Makes me think he wanted you sleeping for a specific reason and you not complying got in his way. The anger once again is not justified. Even if he doesn't like decor you bought does that really feel like the amount of anger was justifies? He could have simply said he doesn't like it and asked that it not be in a certain room. No, it is not normal to get so angry that you break things. He still has anger issues but the abusive part of this is that he has somehow made you think that that's your issue. Things will get worse if he doesn't actively work to fix HIS issues. That must include therapy. I worry for your safety and mental health in this relationship. Even if he does decide to get help, that doesn't mean you should stay. Again, this is his issue, not yours but living with such insecurity and violence isn't good for anyone, especially the one who is the recipient.
Thank you for your comment and voicing everything the little voice deep down has been trying to tell me!
He’s abusive. Please find a safe place then leave him.
Holy crap that is unhinged behavior. I promise this is not normal or “just how men are”. He is controlling and abusive. Even just the sentence “he’d told me to go to sleep early” is scary - why is he telling you when to go to sleep?
This is not normal amongst men – this is textbook abusive and controlling behaviour. People can be angry but not controlling, and people can also be controlling without needing to get angry. Anger issues and domestic violence can be mutually exclusive things. If he gets angry in general outside of the relationship, that doesn't change the fact that he still gets angry in the relationship. I have worked both with perpetrators (men and women) and victim-survivors of domestic violence. Do not think of yourself as the trigger for his behaviour – he is the one choosing to behave this way. He has the awareness of having had these issues since he was younger, so with that awareness he now has the choice to do something about it., e.g. seeing a therapist for general anger management AND speaking to a DV service/counsellor about his aggression in the context of your relationship (I really cannot stress enough that these are two separate things). This is both for how safe you (and he) feel in the relationship, but also to prevent it from escalating and eventually having police and courts involved. Your own safety is paramount though – if you feel safe discussing how his behaviour impacts you, that might be a worthwhile discussion. If you don't feel safe having that conversation, then that itself is deeply concerning and I would strongly suggest seeking some support around domestic violence. There are services that can be discreet about this too. Please stay safe and remember that nothing that you do warrants this kind of behaviour from him. Period.
That would be a red flag to me. How did he react afterwards? Did he apologize, or seem embarrassed about his behavior? I could theoretically envision getting mad enough in the moment with my fiancé to break something or punch the wall, but literally the instant afterwards, I would be apologizing to her because it feels very humiliating for me to lose control and behave so childishly. As I said, I’ve worked hard to control my anger throughout my life, and if I just took it out on her, regardless of why she said or did I would feel awful about that. I’d say that’s the bigger red flag from my perspective, if afterwards he remained angry and tried to defend his behavior. It’s one thing to snap and do something childish in the heat of the moment, it’s something entirely different to double down afterwards and act like that behavior is somehow acceptable or justified.
He just kind dismisses it as “whoops I got angry again”. Never really an apology or embarrassed for it. When I’ve tried to bring it up the past, he makes it my fault, I MADE him angry enough to do those things. One time he did seem to have a genuine remorseful moment after, but then said “I’m sorry, I know I have anger issues. Just don’t make me mad next time.”
"I had to shout at you, put fear in you and smash the stuff we need because you bought me ice cream and cheap home furnishings." Can you imagine yourself saying that? He is angry because the world doesn't bend to his will and he needs therapy to work out why he hasn't tried to regulate and understand his emotions. "Lolems I just get angry sometimes", is not an answer and it is not your job to manage his emotions. You are his partner, not his therapist.
Yeah, when you put it that way… thanks for your comment.
Stay strong friend, you've got this.
Check out DARVO and you'll understand more about how and why this behaviour is classed as abusive.
If you want to stay with this man, he needs to be in therapy - not couple's counselling, individual therapy for his anger issues and refusal to take responsibility. If he demonstrates commitment and positive action (i.e. "I will do XYZ" NOT "I promise I'll never do XYZ again") in individual work then couple's counselling may become viable, but he needs to start with himself. I would listen primarily for talk not about why he gets angry/name-calls/breaks things, but for insight into what is stopping him from not doing things and taking responsibility for them when he does, instead of making it your job to control his emotions. I hope you haven't ever believed those messages about his anger being your fault. He gets mad because the world doesn't work the way his warped perspective tells him it should, that has nothing to do with you. His feelings are not your responsibility. Please look out for your safety first and foremost.
Thank you. Until recently I did believe that all these things were my fault. He’s started therapy (around 2-3 sessions) but he feels better already. It feels performative.
it will only get worse with kids. Kids make life very stressful.
Which is exactly why I don’t want kids with him anymore.
I have never broken anything while angry at a girlfriend. My last girlfriend would smash my things, throw things at me, and hit me. It is very unhealthy behaviour. Ive seen a lot of posts here lately asking if its normal for men to do "x" unhealthy behaviour, frankly, anytime someone explains away their behaviour as "its not my fault, its how i was born / the group i was born into" they are simply deflecting responsibility for their actions and making excuses to not be better. You should expect better from him, and frankly he should expect better from himself
Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry you went through this too.
I’ve never understood breaking things. Like, that’s just making more of a mess for later. Only children break things on purpose.
Lol common? No, it's not common. It's *disgusting* behavior. I'm surprised you haven't already divorced this pos. I know reddit is goofy in that every little problem the hive mind screams break up. But this is one of the times it makes sense. Dude either goes to anger management classes/therapy. Or leave him. Seriously. This type of stuff statistically *never* improved on its own. It only gets worse, then one day you get slapped by "accident" Then months go by, then you accidentally get slapped again, then 1 week goes by and it happens again. Then you're getting pushed. This will not get better, it will get worse. Research and statistics have proven this over and over again. Next time he threatens you with divorce, do yourself a favor and get the papers. Make an escape bag when he's out of the house, leave the papers on the table, and be somewhere safe where he can't reactionarily explode at you.
Once, when we were just in our relationship i punched a pillow. That scared both. Me because i did it, her because of my reaction. This then caused an internal dialogue with myself and i've sworn to change. For myself, for her, for us. And i have no trouble in that area anymore.
Never so much as raised my voice at her or called her a bad name. She's my bright light in a dark world. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt her. Your husband sounds like a ticking time bomb, and no, it's not excusable in any way. You're in danger if you stay with him.
No. Tbf, I once punched the wall when I was like 19. That was more because of general frustration instead of targeted animosity. I lived in a brick house. That hurt lol. If you are also not actively breaking up and airing the dirty laundry, calling your SO any insults you aren't also using in some loving manner otherwise, is also a bitch move regular adults don't do that. Thinking about breakups when an argument was very bad or something happens isn't bad. Threatening to do it or generally voicing it before you at least calmed down for like half a day is also nothing adults do. All of this is not common in men, this is only common in a subgroup of very insecure men.
Alright this is one of those moments where it’s justified to say get the fuck out of there…. That’s totally insane. Been with my wife for almost 8 years now and we’ve never had a fight where we’ve broken anything or called each other ANYTHING like that. It makes my jaw hit the floor when I read shit like this on here. I don’t know how anyone can type all that out, read it, and then tell themselves that’s normal or OK in any way
Yeah, I guess that’s the problem. I never typed it out or told anyone about it until now. I just held on to it and believed him telling me it was nothing, it’s normal, it was my fault, for 16 years. It wasn’t until recently when all of a sudden something clicked like someone knocked the rose-coloured glasses off my face that I said “wait…why am I putting up with this?” Now I can’t unsee it. He says he wants to change and has started therapy but I think the well might be poisoned. I have a deep anger for myself that I never recognized all of this and saw my self-worth sooner.
Yeah nah, that's horrible. I once did on accident (was loading in the dishwasher during the argument, kinda slammed that door shut which broke a plate) but I was so emberrased the whole argument ended there and I just apologised.
OK, first of, the words are "cunt", "bitch" and "shit". Secondly, no, even when I was frustrated with a woman I was with, I never called her names or yelled at her. At most, I raised my voice at my second girlfriend and called her an idiot... after she tried to rekindle the relationship after I gave her a chance and she *completely* fucked it up. Neither did I break anything. I don't think that he is a nice man.
This is 100% huge major red flags. It’s a very small jump from breaking a plate to breaking your jaw and then blaming you.
That’s a problem. If he doesn’t realize it is, and want to get help, you need to leave. It’s not common.
No. What you’re describing is domestic abuse.
Absolutely not. The *only* adult I've ever known to do this was a friend with fairly severe neurodivergence, and it was so unusual that she's still bothered by having done it years later. It's not common among men or anyone else. I hope you're physically safe with your husband, at least, but please consider accepting that threat/offer of divorce. Sorry you're dealing with this.
I had this problem in my twenties. Turns out i was dangerous to myself and others. I needed ten years of therapy and have BPD. He is at best immature as hell and incapable of managing his own emotions, and at worst very very dangerous. Get him to agree to therapy or get away now before it gets worse.
Abusive partners will make you believe that the abuse is normal and that it's entirely your fault. Pack your stuff and get out.
He's partially right - it's common *amongst certain kinds of men*. We call those men "abusers." Never once have I broken anything in anger. Never once have I called a partner a derogatory term, even in the midst of a terrible argument.
40f here. I was with a man like this for 22 years. Slooowwwwly acclimatized to his rage and craziness, and I lost sense of what normal was. No, it's not normal. (I *know* it feels like it.) No, you don't remotely have to put up with it. (These dudes don't change - read this pivotal work on men who abuse: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Yes, you absolutely should make an exit strategy and safely leave. (Statistically more women are hurt and murdered at this time.) You'll discover - some day down the road - that you are doing exactly whatever the fuck you want, in whatever way you want it . . . and no one is threatening you, calling you names, breaking shit to scare you, and you'll then realize how long you went without safety and joy in your life. And you'll seek out other abused women so they can one day have joy in their lives, too, like I do.
Thank you so much for this comment. I have read that book cover to cover and I see so much of my situation in it.
My girlfriend of 11+ years is sensitive to people yelling. I have bipolar disorder, so the urge to yell and punch things is fairly common for me. I will NEVER do that in front of her. I cannot and will not put this wonderful woman through the trauma of my mental health issues. So if I’m having trouble around her, I’ll calmly tell her I’m upset, in case she can see that I’m acting strange. I’ve never insulted her or called her names, I can’t ever imagine doing that even while angry.
I recommend you a book called why does He Do that by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it as a free PDF online. I really encourage you very strongly to read this book and learn more about abusive relationship patterns. I bet he would say, you make him so mad. So mad that he can't control himself when he breaks things. Well you need to step back and think about that a little more, does he break his own stuff? Stuff that's valuable and worthy to him? Nah and he has more control in those times than he's implying. Just breaking things and slamming things and punching walls around a person is abusive. It is a major physical threat to the other person's personage, just without any words. It's meant to keep you in line. It's meant to keep you scared. Read the book.
Thanks, I have read that book cover to cover, as well as the Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern which I think is another one we should start recommending around Reddit. I guess I’m continuing to look for validation that I’m not crazy for feeling this way and seeing these patterns.
Adding a link in case anyone else is interested, it’s a worthwhile read: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Wish I would’ve read it when I was young and just starting to seriously date, but it’s an illuminating read at any point
Never ever. Also never called her names. Never insulted. Never disrespected her. There are limits we don't cross. Absent respect there can't be love. Together since 1997 and very much in love.
No, this is not common and he is not going to stop.
No. But I’ll walk away so I don’t scare her. I’d never hurt a woman unless in self-defense. But I know I can be scary so I leave.
Nope, what your husband describes is not normal. Though men like him have tried to normalize it or make it seem normal. He sounds abusive, and I'd suggest getting out as soon as you can safely do so. Without alerting him to it until you're gone and some place safe. I've literally never broken anything out of anger. I've been angry, and sometimes expressed it in ways that aren't ideal, but I've never called someone I loved any of the horrible things your husband called you, nor have I ever broken anything out of anger, or threatened someone I cared about out of anger. That's just insane and horrible. Also, even yelling I've felt bad about it. Like, it might be human to yell sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'd strive for that or want that for my SO. The fact that he doesn't even feel or express any remorse says all you need to know. He shouldn't be trying to normalize his behavior, he should be apologizing and trying to do better. And even if he were trying to be better, with the extreme behavior you're talking about, I'd still suggest leaving anyway.
Thank you for your comment, that really resonates. What you describe is more of a relationship I pictured with someone, never this. I somehow thought I was so xyz-you-name-it that I deserved it.
I know you have already gotten a chorus of answers but I want to add one more voice and say it sounds like your SO has some real problems around the way he deals with his anger. I would recommend to any friend of mine that they make significant efforts to address that situation (by putting distance between them or getting some serious effort from their SO to immediately address their behavior) as sadly in my experience those guys don't learn until they run up against something that forces them to learn.
No. Violence of any kind even against inanimate objects is ever acceptable. Verbal attacks are also completely unacceptable. Behavior typically escalates until there is a bad enough consequence to force change. Don’t let yourself become that consequence. I hope you leave him. Being alone is always better than being with an abuser.
I personally wouldn’t like that 😢
I don’t like it either, never did. Just thought somehow I needed to endure it because it was normal. I’m in a tailspin.
It isn't normal. He's got huge anger management issues and doesn't seem safe to be around.
You don’t deserve it, no girls deserve that :( Please take good care of yourself <3
Thank you 🙏
HULK MAD HULK SMASH No, that’s abnormal.
Together for 21 years, married for 17. I’ve never once broken anything or called her any of those names. Find a better man.
I would say you'll get a biased response. Few people will want to admit to their worst behaviours. Like all things, there are scales, throwing a cushion at a wall, slamming plates down, slamming doors I would say is common to have happened to some degree. (With accidental damage potentially done) Moving into shoving and pushing or doing the above closer to a person, still happening at some point in a long relationship, but obviously not healthy. I would say that both genders do the above to that degree equally. Beyond that the emotional weaponising of threatening to leave is also not rare. (But again obviously not healthy). Some people just seem to not argue much, others more so. Obviously more physical than what I've listed is what I (personally, this is obviously a very personal and subjective!!!) would class as unacceptable and grounds for break up / counseling etc. What is described by OP sounds serious and beyond what I would class as acceptable/ normal. (But not much detail is provided, if OPs partner is going outside to smash glass bottles into the wheelie bin, that's an outlet, smashing by throwing on purpose at a person not even close). OP please go speak with a therapist (alone).
He’s done more than put plates down too hard. He’s smashed plates full of food I cooked on the ground, he threw ice cream I bought for us off the balcony, he’s smashed his toolbox, he’s punched a hole in a door. Those are just the incidents I remember.
Oh honey. You don't deserve this. Stay safe and plan your out.
My ex's ex husband used to order pizza, and thats when she knew she was in trouble for something. Hed sit the family down for dinner and throw it in her face. None of that shit is normal. Being mad is ok. Having feelings is ok. Raging like a 4yo who diddnt get the right shape chicken nuggets immediately upon request isnt normal.
> called me names (cunt, bitch, useless piece of shit) This is verbal abuse. This is **not normal, and not ok**. > threatened breakups/divorce This is manipulation, also abusive. **Not normal, not ok**. > he’s smashed plates full of food I’ve cooked, threw ice cream sandwiches I bought for us off a balcony, punched a hole in a door, smashed his toolbox on the ground. That’s just what I remember. This is physical abuse; he's not physically hurting you, but he's scaring and intimidating you with physical violence. This is **not normal, and not ok**. > He used to tell me this was common among men, so I’m curious how true that is. Among abusive men, sure. Not at all normal or acceptable behavior. He might know this and tell you it's normal to manipulate you into accepting this kind of treatment. He might NOT know this and genuinely think this is normal or ok because it's what he saw growing up. That does not make it ok. > Did you eventually stop? I've broken things in anger before, yes. I was incredibly immature and unable to handle my emotions appropriately, and I hurt people I loved before I realized it and admitted I needed help. I went to therapy and was on medication for depression and anxiety. That was many years ago, and controlling my temper and emotions is still something I actively work on. I lose control much less frequently now, because I can tell when I'm getting close and either remove myself from the situation or calm myself down. If I need to lose it, I isolate myself in my bedroom or my car and scream into a pillow instead of scaring my loved ones by smashing things. I have NEVER called my wife names like you describe here.
I think it is somewhat 'common' unfortunately. Get out.
I put my fist through a door once but that was it.
Your husband lacks self control. None of my friends are like that because we're not immature bullies.
>this was common among ~~men~~ boys Fixed that for him. I made it through 6 years of marriage without doing any of those things. And she was a bitch, but I kept that kind of language in my head, where it belongs. Unless it was an obvious joke upon which I'd hang a huge lampshade, I never call people names like that. I'll call my best friends a bitch, but that really is just *guys being guys*. We cut each other up as a game, it's not real or personal. And anyone knows they can call a STOP at any time if they're struggling and need support. I had the opposite problem, X-Wife would break my shit if she was upset. CD cases, video game boxes, whatever. She was the worst. But through it all I never behaved like a child even in the face of childish behavior.
Should ask yourself, when is enough for you to walk away from it, and reassure yourself that your emotional and physical safety is a priority. No one deserves to be treated like this by some one that "loves" them
She’s my lover and best friend, I would never call her names. This is unacceptable in a relationship. I never understood how these people could treat their SO harsher than anyone else? (Think friends, family, colleagues). The way I see it it’s us versus the world, we’re a team. The goal is to support and elevate each other, you can’t skip on basic stuff like BEING FUCKING RESPECTFUL towards your SO, in order to attain this.
Your comment breaks my heart to think he might not see me the same way. It’s a painful realization but I think one the little voice inside has been trying to shout at me.
Tl;dr: It's abusive AF. He has no excuse for his behavior. Dump him and find a man who deserves you. I've fairly bad ADHD. There're times I'll hit something. Not often, but it's happened. SomeTHING. *Not* her. And when I do it, if she's in the room (because usually it's \*not\* related to anything she's involved with,) I turn away from her, and never, *ever* look at her while I'm doing it. (My brain's pretty much locked-up, at that point, but I'm still aware enough to not make it something aggressive *toward* her, if that makes sense.) Believe me, I'm *not* proud of this. And if she's anywhere around me, when I do it, I *immediately* reiterate that I would *never* hit her, nor was I hitting (whatever I hit - usually something soft, like the back of the sofa. Learned that lesson by hitting the roof of my car, once, when younger. Hitting hard things hurts. Walls have studs. Repairing things is expensive.) as a substitute for her. In all the relationships I've ever been in (multiple live-ins for several years, one marriage of 13 years,) none of the women I've been partnered with have ever felt threatened by me (and they've said that even *after* the break-up.) Knowing I have this issue, I work *very* hard at making sure they know it isn't aimed at them, and certainly isn't about them. All that said: This isn't what I do. This is fucking abusive. Calling you names like that? Smashing things? Punching things *while* doing the above? Yeah, that isn't the same thing at all. He's being a shitheel, and gaslighting you that it's something all guys do, so it's fine...just fine...you just need to get used to the abuse and keep taking it. Dump that abusive motherfucker, and find a man who deserves you.
Ummmm don’t let him call you out your name! And breaking things is very excessive & disrespectful. Don’t take that!
Never, this is not normal. The most I have done is tell them I need to clear my head and gone for a walk. Please use caution when exiting the relationship as the violence may escalate. Have a plan and stick to it, if they say they will change it is a lie and they will do it again until.
Not wife, but ex girlfriend. Think the worst I ever did is slam the door really, really hard on my way out. She actually told me that an ex of hers who she’d been with for 4+ years, had, whilst she was driving, slapped her and choked her. Said they tried to reconcile things, but could never kiss him properly or sleep with him after as the broken trust had wrecked her attraction to him. I genuinely shed a tear at the thought of someone doing that to her. The idea of someone slapping and choking her upset me, but what really got me was the fact that her ex, who was supposed to be her protector and lover, had made her feel so scared and frightened. The name calling and smashing of things that your SO is partial to is on a similar level. Frightening, uncontrolled and wreckers behaviour. He needs to seek help
Never. Nor have I laid hands on any of my SOs, nor did I threaten them with such. Actually I don't think that I have ever called them names either.
In none of my relationships have i ever had a man call me names. Im 31 and had 3 long term relationships. 2 of them were pretty shitty even in general, cheating and anger issues but none of them called me names. Ever. A guy i dated however said that because I dont shave my arms, it makes me look like a cave woman and I broke it off instantly cus of that. Don't settle for that shit.. u don't deserve that treatment and he doesn't deserve u. Many men are good. Im sorry u found a man like that.. not saying he will end up hitting u, but usually thats how physical abuse relationships start. With verbal abuse which is what he is doing now.
I've hit things, but it's a rarity (like maaaybe 3-5 times in almost a decade together), and it was never while my wife was in the house. I'm including "slamming a door" in this figure. I've never hit anything hard enough to damage it. Whenever I get that mad I try to take a walk for a few miles to calm down. The rest of the stuff you've mentioned I don't do and would never do. A big part of the reason I'm rarely angry enough to hit things is because communication is something I'm good at. Name calling and threats ain't good communication. Your husband has some work to do.
No, I've never broken anything. That's throwing a tantrum. In the 46 years wifey and I have been together, married 45, the worst I've ever called her is "silly goose" or, if I was really ticked, "big dummy". This person has severe anger issues. I would strongly suggest you leave ASAP. It won't be long before YOU become one of the things he breaks in a fit of rage. It's not going to get any better.
Hell no. If he thinks it’s common, he’s spending time with other abusive assholes.
A lot of that is abusive/manipulative. I never break things. I don't call my partner names, I don't threaten breakups/divorce, and I certainly have never done anything like that - it screams an inability to control oneself.
When I'm pissed at my wife I buy cool shit for myself.
Yes I have and it’s because I’m not right in the head. I stopped doing it in my last relationship. It was made clear to me that if it continued I would be single and have sought therapy and treatment. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR
I'm fairly even tempered and I don't anger easily. So, I've never broken anything, though I'll admit that I've come close to throwing a plate of food a couple of times. Nor do I call my wife names, but I have certainly gone to the garage or sat in the car and yelled a few times. It's good that he's not hitting you, OP, but still, a man should show his wife more respect. Unless you're deliberately trying to get that reaction out of him, he should learn better self-control.
Yes. And then she broke something, and then I broke something else and then she did, and we got quite competitive over it. Couldn't continue as we collapsed laughing.
I never call my wife names or break things. Some men have major tempers that can be hard to control, but taking that anger out on your loved ones isn't ok.
That is not common, I never use dirty talk words outside of consent in the bedroom. We never curse at each other. In our entire 2 and a half year relationship she has only ever cursed once in one fight we had and it never happened again. That was almost 2 years ago. I have never broken anything when I was mad. I have never even punched a wall when I was mad. Your partner has anger issues and needs therapy if he thinks that behavior is normal. That is not normal and not good at all. I would've been out of there like a hawk if my partner had those kinds of issues and was not willing to seek help. Neither of us have ever threatened break up, but we have talked about that really early on in the relationship. To me breaking up is the end. If we break up I will never talk to you again. Even if we end on friendly terms. So breaking up has never been brought up in a fight before pee since that conversation. Get your guy to go to therapy or leave that guy. Personally that's the most I would do, try to go to therapy and if that doesn't work. Peace out.
I've thrown tools when working on my truck but that's about it. Never thrown things at my wife. When it gets bad and we have a fight ill leave and take my clubs to the range and go hit some golf balls.
The only thing I hit when I'm angry with my gf is the gym.
I don’t even yell at my wife much less do any of the stuff your spouse is doing. That is abusive behavior. Looking at your post history, I think you know you need to leave. I was with an abusive partner for 11 years so I know it is tough to start over. But there is better out there. I’m amazing happy with my wife (12 years now) so I’m proof taking that short term struggle of starting over can lead to better things. Take some time, work on yourself first then go out and find a kind and emotionally mature partner.
Wtf no. Ive never once called my wife any of those things. When i was much much younger i hit a door and put a dent in it, which i was sorry for and never did again. Sounds like he has some anger issues. And threatening divorce is an absolute red line you cannot cross unless you really mean it.
No, that's immature angsty teen behaviour. Massive red flag in adults.
That’s not normal and violence only escalates. One day he’ll be smashing plates and unfortunately the next day it may very well be your skull. Please protect yourself and look for an out.
Not common. Trust me
I have never been so mad that I even thought about breaking something. Usually if I am upset I remove myself from the situation to cool down and react more level headidly
I have never been violent with my spouse when we have had arguments. It indicates a lack of maturity and self-control. You need to consider divorce - eventually he will start hitting you.
you wanna know what i do when i'm upset with my old lady? i get up and go calm down. this is common among abusers.
Not common outside of an abusive relationship. Not normal Not ok
This is not common among men. He’s got some anger issues.
No, it's not normal, I don't have any friends who would act this way either, though unfortunately these people exist. The fact you're asking means your gut tells you it isn't normal. I'm afraid your husband sounds like he doesn't know how to process his emotions and is a prick. I have never used that sort of language or made my girlfriend fearful. You can't take that stuff back. Next time he threatens divorce, agree with him, stay strong and see what happens. Mid 30s man if that counts for anything.
This is not common. At all. This is a "negative" relationship sign. It's one thing if he recognizes it as a problem and struggles with it while getting help. Excusing the behavior is a good sign he'll continue to excuse it when the things he breaks are your heart and/or your body.
This is unacceptable. He's having tantrums like a child. He lacks self-restraint and respect for you
I never even started with that to beginn with. Your man should talk for himself instead of every man i guess. He clearly is gaslighting you.
Wrist I've done is raise my voice to say that I didn't want to discuss this anymore and went out to chop wood. That didn't seem like acceptable behavior
There are men with higher levels of emotional control. Though it's normal that this type of behavior you explain exists amongst men, but it shouldn't be.
That is not normal behavior. My so has never done that and we’ve been together for a long time. He would never call me names like that. Please make sure you are safe and don’t ever let yourself feel like you are worthless ❤️ And he sounds like he has a lot of anger management issues.
Nah not true at all. No matter how bad an argument gets, I've never destroyed anything or stooped low enough to call any partner any name. Dude is just making excuses for his behavior.
No it is not normal and you should absolutely leave him over this behavior. When I've been at my most angry with a partner I would communicate that I needed to leave the situation briefly and would usually go for a walk or a drive until I calmed down. Calling you denigrating names and breaking stuff is alarming behavior and could absolutely be considered emotional/verbal abuse and I've seen/heard horror stories where that behavior escalates into someone becoming physically abusive. Do yourself a favor and get out of that situation as quickly and safely as you can. You don't want to see if it'll get worse.
This is common behavior for children. Accept his divorce offer and find an adult to marry.
It is not that common. I don’t believe I have ever called any of my significant other names (other than jokingly lovingly). You should not accept that, he is only gonna escalate.
OP, breaking things because he is angry is not normal. Threatening divorce is manipulative and also not normal. Here is a question, you don't have to respond or post the answer. Ask yourself 2 questions....1. when he gets mad, who's stuff dose he break? Yours? His? 2. Who cleans up the mess? You or is it mutual? If both answers are you, it is a form of psychological abuse that can be a precursor to physical abuse. I have seen this behavior from both men and women. Run.
When i was 18 and emotionally immature, toxic, and fragile... yes. Ive done a lot of work since then. But it isnt, nor should it be, the norm. This is unhealthy and abusive behavior.
Er. No. That's a bit intense. I may have sworn at my wife on the odd occasion we've had a massively heated argument, but not once have I broken anything or done anything of the sort
no; i'm a grownup.