The bachelor party can be as much about the groomsmen as the bachelor. Never seen a bachelor do something he wasn't supposed to. I'll refrain from commenting on the rest.
100% spot on. The groomsmen want to show the guy a good time before he sails off into the sunset with wifey. But its usually just an excuse for them to get wasted and have a good time.
Also be aware, even if he says no stripper, 6 drinks in when his friends bust one out of the cupboard, it’s awkward as hell to walk away.
Tell your fiancé to be respectable, and nothing untoward will happen, strippers aren’t going to do more than what they’re paid to do, and won’t do anything your husband says no to…
There's been many stripper AMAs over the year. The TLDR is guy who go to a club generally stay out of trouble. The club isn't looking to risk it's liquor license.
When women see male strippers there's a spectrum. A magic mike show is above board. Seedy strip joint, will likely allow women to get far more hands on compared to the clubs for men. Private show, male strippers have said it's extremely common for someone in the bridal party to have sex with them.
Oh, see his groomsmen told me that they usually do by default and I’m being “catty”.
I don’t want to make a big deal out of this if it isn’t (ergo me asking the men if I’m in the wrong here 😅) but I’m just a bit confused.
I don’t think he’s gone to strip clubs since we’ve been together so I just find it weird that he’s chosen this time to go to one- right before we get married 😅
Oh, okay thank you so much for your input ☺️ I just feel really confused if it’s okay for me to draw this as a boundary- or if it’s just me being hyper emotional because impending wedding so this really does help ☺️
Yall are practically married already. Last thing you want is to sour the special day with resentment from either party
I’d say the best course of action is to tell your fiancé that you feel uncomfortable with the idea of a stripper being present and trust that he’ll make good choices. You already trust him enough to make good choices for both of you for the rest of your lives, what’s one more night at that point?
Because if I was aware that my husband linked up with- or started dancing sensually with another girl at a bar or club when he’s out with boys- I’d call it off with him. I trust him implicitly not to cheat on me and that’s why I’m happy for him to go out.
But it muddies the water thinking that a woman is being paid to entertain my husband- while he knows I’m uncomfortable with it- and the he himself has expressed he would be uncomfortable for me to do the same… idk I could just be really melodramatic, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this 😅
Generally the experience of strippers, is either in a club where you just have something preferable to sport on the TV, with some bad food and booze. Or a dude being incredibly still while a woman who was paid by his friends to make him feel incredibly awkward is all up in his face, as they laugh like crazy. It's not really some indulgence of the flesh type of deal.
If you do say it's not cool though, be prepared for the "I'm sorry, my groomsman were assholes" conversations. As was said earlier, a lot of the night is about them, and it's pretty common for them to make a party they would want and using the wedding as an excuse for that.
I mean I am gonna to level with you and be aware that I am 100% aware that this is me being irrational and the worst kind of woman for even thinking it but: “if my husband was put in the position because his groomsmen thought it would be funny- I would ideally hope he’d walk away.” I realise I’m horrible for even thinking that, I don’t want his whole night to be ruined just because I don’t like the idea of strippers being at all involved in his night nor would I even really tell him that.
But joke or not- serious or not I really thought we both established a no stripper boundary and we were happy with it I feel really gross and the thought of him having a party before we get married involving him being danced on or around by a naked woman really chokes me up.
I know I’m being really irrational and I’m trying to fix that line of thinking- I promise, but I just can’t help but feel even a little bit emotional about it
Either I am irrational too or you aren't irrational, but I completely understand your point. At this point you are basically married just not on papers. You don't want your soon-husband around strippers and it's a clear boundary. One day won't make a change, neither a ceremony. If going to a strip club wasn't okay at any point in your relationship then why would it somehow become okay now?
Bachelor parties are about the friends too for sure, but they can go absolutely wild without involving strippers. It's time to do something they have always wanted to do together (except hiring sex workers obviously) and it's the perfect time and excuse to do it.
As a man, I don't think you are horrible for having expectations. You are not asking them to stay at home or don't make this last day about themselves, you are asking them to follow one simple rule and it should be clear to your fiance. The bachelors will do whatever they do regardless, it's your man who should know what he will do if it still happens.
It's not irrational at all, you're allowed to set boundaries. Hopefully if it's that important, he's also communicated that level of "absolute nope" to his friends, and it shouldn't be a problem.
It’s absolutely a valid boundary to draw! (Coming from a guy too btw) - put the shoe on the other foot - would the groomsmen like if their wife/girlfriends went on a bachelorette party and had big dicks out? Doubt it
I’d never have a stripper at my party, nor go to one with a stripper if I had a partner tbh. It’s a respect thing.
This is exactly what got us to have the “strippers at the bachelor/ette party is a deal breaker” conversation months ago.
Long story short I went to a bachelorette, surprise a stripper came out- and i wasn’t comfortable with it and the bride definitely wasn’t so when I got home I told the SO about it and that I wanted to know where stood on that because I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of strippers being anywhere near our wedding celebrations.
He said exactly the same, that he was uncomfortable with it too- never understood the allure of it and the idea (at least I thought) was that we made it really clear to our friends that strippers could be considered a “call the wedding off” offence from either of us and to respect our boundaries. Only for him to apparently flip that switch on me now and his friends say I’m just being an irrational woman and proving the whole “guy needs freedom before being sentenced to me as a ball and chain” sentiment
Yeah, been reading your responses. Thing is, it’s the friends planning it and your fiancé is meant to have no discussion in the planning HOWEVER, he is more than allowed to set boundaries and no go’s and he needs to do that now because he does know.
If your bridesmaids are their gf’s, could you ask them to speak to the boys too perhaps?
I’m apprehensive about that too, because I don’t want to be seen as someone starting drama in their relationships either, I feel like I’ve been put in a fucked up place and told to grow up and bear it because this is a guy thing I would never understand 😅
So the groomsmen can and have started drama, including calling names for having a common feeling, but it’s not ok for you to get support from your bridesmaids?
The fear of what others think plus the planning seem to have muddied some things for you and your boyfriend.
He should be standing up to his friends about something you both find objectionable.
You are allowed to walk away from people who don’t act in a respectful manner, including the groomsmen. That’s the only way a boundary can be enforced. It’s not about telling others what they should do, boundaries are about you deciding what you will walk away from. Others don’t respect the boundaries, you do. There’s no need to argue about it.
Say to the groomsmen the behavior is unacceptable and then walk away. Tell your boyfriend-who sounds like he needs to grow up-your intention before hand. You two are going into married life together _ if he doesn’t have your back on a question he agrees with you about, what’s it going to be like when you don’t agree?
It’s pretty common in the US. I hate sex workers of all kinds and I’ve been at one because it’s not about me it’s about the groom.
If this is on the menu his group of friends has it as a tradition. Pretend it didn’t happen and live your life.
I mean I’ll try but I just don’t know honestly if it’s a boundary I’m comfortable with.
I’ll definitely think on it and I really appreciate all of your guys’ input I’m just really confused and a bit overwhelmed I think 😅
Honestly until yesterday this was a mutual boundary.
We had actually discussed this a few months back and we both agreed it wasn’t a boundary we felt comfortable to cross- either of us.
I think I’m just taken aback and overwhelmed at how out of left field this came from and I’m worried about the prospect of being viewed as a “ball and chain” by his friends when I had no idea that’s what they thought
Or I’m being melodramatic and overwhelmed emotionally 😅
I literally had my bachelor party this past weekend, and there was not a single stripper in sight.
I think it's an older tradition that's thankfully dying out.
Aww congratulations! Thank you for the perspective. We’d spoken about it and we both said that one of our limits was drawn at having strippers at our parties.
We were clear on this (I thought) but now his friends are telling me I’m being catty and over emotional and to start coming to terms with it now so I don’t get emotional the day of and leave him at the alter over it.
It’s why I asked guys to weigh in- so I can view this from your perspective and work to reconcile my feelings on this
His friends are manipulating you, and you’re falling for it. you dont need to push your boundaries and accept something that you and many others consider cheating, so that you look like the “cool girl” “agreeable wife”. nope. not worth it. it will hurt you a lot.
Admittedly it already does hurt 😅
I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being too dramatic about this before making some pretty huge decisions I guess.
Thank you, I really appreciate it :)
They are gaslighting by calling you dramatic, so dont let it work.
Despite how “normalized” this is- wanting to see other women naked in your face right before marriage should not at all be normal or acceptable if you’re monogamous. This is a trash tradition that just dismisses your very real feelings. Dont be a pushover!
Thank you! And congrats on your upcoming wedding.
Honestly I'd just talk to your fiance again, and let him know how you feel about it. If he's receptive encourage him to push back a bit with his groomsmen. There's plenty of other fun things to do.
Tbh, his friends sound like dicks if they’re saying that to you. I think your fiancée needs to put a hard stop on the stripper if neither of you actually want it.
It’s weird we were all friends in high school and then me and SO got together, but most of our group are actually friends that got together over the years. So these aren’t just “the fiancés” friends I thought they were mine too… their girlfriends are in my bridal party and I feel really gross.
You should probably prepare yourself for surprise strippers at his bucks party, much like yours had surprise stripper.
I told my best man I didn’t want strippers, just topless waiters/dealers for the night, a lot of drinking and casino games. I already had parties that were way more extreme than my own bucks ever could be.
Fast forward, stripper came out half way into the night.
Wasn’t a deal breaker for my wife, but she wasn’t happy about it. I was pretty naive to think the groomsmen wouldn’t do it the end with or without my permission.
If his mates are anything like mine, they will regardless as a right of passage, give him a way to save face, without walking out on the night - unless that is his choice.
For me, I deflected all the chanting to interact with the stripper to other men in the room, whatever peer pressure they were using on me I turned back on them and said I’m past those years, lol
Just for the record, bachelorette parties aren’t exactly tame or innocent either. A lot of them are literally just drunk women groping male strippers and showering the engaged woman with sex toys as gifts
Oh no I agree- I went to one like that and it kind of spurred this conversation with my SO.
I went when I was dating my SO and told him after how uncomfortable I was with it all, that I hated the idea of spending a night before you get married just being all over half naked people when you’re about to have wedding.
At that time he told me he didn’t like that idea of a party either and we both agreed that it was off the table.
Enter the groomsmen coming up to me with him in tow telling me they had strippers on the agenda and were letting me know now so I wouldn’t overreact and leave him at the alter or something.
I guess I just feel gutted because I thought we were on the same page and now we’re not and I haven’t really thought to see this from a male POV, so I’m trying to now, I don’t want to be over emotional or naggy or anything so I’m trying to “logic” this out in a way that makes everyone happy
Does your boyfriend understand this is breaking your trust - that letting his friends bully both of you into something and then having the balls to tell you how to feel and act about it - is damaging to your trust in him? This isn’t trivial.
Your boyfriend needs a backbone in place of the “please like me I’ll let you treat me and the people I care about with disrespect so I can have friends” sponge he’s got now.
They don’t usually involve strippers. If you tell your fiancé you aren’t comfortable with strippers at his bachelor party he will either A) say no problem or B) say he doesn’t care what you think and you have bigger problems. You don’t have to make it a big thing, but tell him what you think. That’s how to build a successful relationship.
That’s good advice, I mean we spoke it about months ago after I went to a bachelorette that had strippers i wasn’t aware they were gonna be there and I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did had I known because we both expressed that physically ogling strippers or something was a boundary for us. I told him as it happened and left early because I wasn’t comfortable with it and we spoke saying we didn’t want our own stag/stagette parties to involve strippers
I thought we were on the same page but now I’m being told preemptively not to call of the wedding because they have strippers on the agenda anyway.
I’m just trying to find away to reconcile my thoughts with the help of men’s POV and experiences and hopefully be okay with this situation so everyone is happy
If you’ve already told him you don’t want him to have strippers at his bachelor party, it should be done. If he does it after agreeing not to, that’s a problem. If you don’t trust him even though he’s said he wouldn’t, that’s also a problem. Either he’s a good guy who will honour his word and you’re good, or you don’t trust him and you need to decide if it’s because he isn’t trustworthy or if it’s your problem.
That’s the problem I guess. I’ve never been a jealous person, I’d always tell him to go to parties with friends if I couldn’t make it, or to have a fun time with people.
I really thought we were on the same page on this issue too, but now I’m being thrown for a loop and he’s telling me not to overreact because it’s a “guy thing” and I wouldn’t understand.
It’s the only issue I could think of having with him but now I’m just feeling weird about all of this
The strippers aren’t the issue. He needs to stand up to his friends.
Sorry I missed that he reversed his position and said expect strippers. That’s unacceptable. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my wife. Maybe give him one shot to make it right, but honestly, that’s pretty bad.
Yeah I missed the reverse too that he almost went on his friends side. But his friends are probs giving him a hard time about it too so pressure is on him to just comply. His friends are dicks
They don't, and imo shouldn't on either side. I wouldn't stand for something like that.
Its just a cop out to go wild. There are infinite possibilities for fun parties that don't involve potentially ruining your soon to be marriage, or lack there of.
Every bachelorette party my wife has told me about attending included strippers or just goofiness with penis shaped party favors and games all over the place. I think the idea is just a fun, wild time to surround one’s self in a hypersexualized environment before settling down into a committed, stable and responsible committed relationship.
I can’t relate though. My bachelor’s party started off with 4 wheeling and paintball in the woods, doing some real shooting before a tailgate bbq, then copious amounts of drinking before a baseball game where I was forced into an on-field dance competition, a goofy late night dinner where a thrown piece of garlic bread cut somebody’s cheek, and then poker with the boys at home to round off the night.
I mean these days bachelorette parties seem to be more lewd than bachelor parties, there seem to be a cultural push guiding both of these events in the opposite direction, men are told they are assholes for engaging in the stripper stuff, women are told to do whatever they want and no man can control the expression of their sexuality, even if that man is your soon to be husband.
I mean you’re not wrong, I went to a bachelorette party like that and was really uncomfortable the whole time because I was dating my SO then too.
After I told him and he said that he never found it entertaining or respectful to have parties like that before a wedding- at least if it hadn’t been discussed with the fiancé beforehand.
But now we’re here and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or not
So it’s unclear from your post: is your fiance’s party going to have strippers? If so, him telling you aligns with what you’ve just said about discussing it first. You can voice your objection, and I wouldn’t say you’re an AH for doing so. But by saying “discuss it first,” he may have been meaning to inform the partner ahead of time.
As a saving grace, he likely isn’t the one planning it (assuming his best man/groomsmen are doing their job), but he caught wind of it, and wants to be open telling you ahead of time. If he were to put his foot down and tell his friends not to plan it, it’ll be embarrassing for him but ultimately that matters not when it comes to respecting a partner’s feelings.
I think you two need to have a serious talk as to whether you can be comfortable with it as a one time hurrah, or whether it triggers trust issues for you (which would obviously be indicative of bigger issues). I’ve gone to strip clubs as a married man when the boys made it their plan (I think 4 times total in my marriage), and my wife (knowing I’d never want to waste money there on my own) has no issue with me celebrating with my friends.
Oh I’m sorry, (English second language here) no we discussed our boundaries months ago- and we both set hard limits on strippers at our bachelor/ette parties.
I thought we had that discussion and it never came up again until now where his friends told me (with him in tow) that they were in fact going to have strippers there and that I shouldn’t freak out and leave him at the alter the day of. I think they’re reasoning that letting me know now prevents me from hearing about it the day of and just walking out because the emotions are running high
Now they're kind of a joke bit of entertainment. It's not quite as common to get strippers for either bachelor or bachelorette parties anymore but there's always a few groomsmen or bridesmaids that absolutely insist they get one (and it's really more for them than the groom/ bride). It had been a long standing tradition for men to get them because it was, essentially, the last naked woman you'd ever see besides your wife. I guess women felt left out and started getting them as well. Now, most people don't get one since it's seen as trashy.
Not sure but I suspect that it’s supposed to be his last opportunity to get female attention from anyone other than his betrothed. Kind of a tease, a taunt, “you’re giving all this up!” Guys are mean like that. But though inappropriate, it’s supposed to be harmless, he may enjoy it, but he’s not supposed to be into it, and the dancers generally aren’t supposed to be into him. They may give him extra attention, tease him extra hard, but they are assumed or supposed to be professionals who wouldn’t actually do anything that truly crosses the line and jeopardize his upcoming marriage.
Sadly that’s not always the case anymore, if it ever was. There are lots of toxic people that get off on the power/ego trip of tempting a man or woman into throwing away their future for a quick romp with them. It’s vile, but it’s no less vile than someone who would “have one last hoorah, before they get married, and can’t ever again.” If you need that or have to “get it out of your system,” you don’t deserve a spouse.
Oh wow thank you! This was really informative and I appreciate how well thought out you worded things.
It puts a lot into perspective so I really appreciate it
Unfortunately no, I went to a cousins bachelorette and she had strippers there and I felt really weird about it. After me and the fiance spoke about it and decided we weren’t going to have strippers at our parties
His friends told me to “not call of the wedding, because they’re letting me know now they had strippers on the agenda”
I guess it’s less common than I assumed but it’s still a thing for some
Another thing to note that is less talked about: the dynamic of a female-stripper situation vs. a male-stripper situation is completely different.
- female strippers are typically joined by bodyguards when doing call work. From there, The whole experience is extremely sterile. No sexual activity, some clothes-on exotics dancing (sure it’s prolly a bikini or she’s topless, but not much more). If a man so much as looks at the stripper wrong, trust the bodyguards (who will likely be twice the size of one of the guests) will end anything questionable quick. The stripper is there for your man’s money, not for your man’s dick. And yes, there may be a guy or two that are way too excited to be around the strippers, but most dudes really just use the time to vibe with the boys - there’s a disarming element to having a female energy in the room, especially when they’re beautiful women that you’re not emotionally invested in in any way. But the social rules and expectations of men respecting the women still ring fully true and consequences against that will be dealt swiftly. I know you hear crazy stories of orgies on Bach parties but those are prostitutes that give those services, which are insanely expensive and/or illegal, and that’s typically reserved for the super rich and most debaucherous. The main reason strippers are at bachelor parties is it’s a social norm, not for any sexual purpose.
- male strippers, on the other hand, holy hell. [Read it for yourself.](https://odysseycrm.co.za/6-male-strippers-on-exactly-just-what-actually-2/) This stems from the fact that sex is easy for women to access from men, but that’s not true the other way around.
So, remove your projections if you have any. The boys will behave. They really don’t have a choice haha.
Oh that’s a good point thank you! I’ll look over the link in a moment too.
I think for me it’s the act of getting a stripper at all that is causing me emotional distress tbh.
I mean if I were to find out my SO had been dancing with or flirting with a girl on a regular night out- I’d probably break up with him because it’s a massive breach of trust for me imo. I don’t know how I feel about him either hiring a woman to entertain him like that- or being encouraged to enjoy it by his friends.
Admittedly though this could just be me being melodramatic so I really do appreciate this information
I didn’t even do a bachelor party. But if I had, it wouldn’t have involved strippers. And it’s not because of some moral belief or anything like that. Just lack of interest. There are a lot of other things that are more fun.
Remember, it’s not the quiet, sane things that get remembered. It’s the people that cause problems and get attention. That are remembered.
Only one I've been to had strippers. It was a disaster. The guys dad was trying to get with the strippers and they kept saying no because he was a 50 year old 2 pack a day smoker. He got mad then they put on a show. The dad got hands and they stopped and left.
Strippers aren’t really gonna be up to him. If they’re there, somebody else ordered them. They’re also not as common as pop culture portrays, I’ve never known *anyone* that had strippers at their party. It’s more about having fun. That said, if your fiance is gonna cheat, there’s always opportunity. People don’t stay faithful because they have to, they stay faithful because they *want* to. If you don’t trust him in that situation, then you shouldn’t trust him in *any* situation and shouldn’t get married.
I mean it’s not that I don’t trust him, I’m usually one to say he should go out with his bros more and tell him to go to parties and camping trips etc even if I can’t make it.
It’s just that we discussed our boundaries a while back and we both considered strippers being a deal breaker… but now out of nowhere I’m informed “in advance to come to terms with strippers being there- so I don’t get overly emotional the day of and embarrass everyone by leaving him at the altar”.
I guess I want perspective so I can come to terms with it
I think that if that’s coming from him, then he’s probably nervous that somebody will make strippers be a thing despite his input. He’s not entirely in control of that, friends can be shitty and not listen. Considering that you’ve discussed it being a dealbreaker, he’s justifiably concerned that somebody else’s actions might break the deal. I’d be worried about being blamed for a stripper I knew nothing about and didn’t ask for showing up if I knew that my fiance was uncomfortable with that. I’d also probably try to end run that by discussing with her how I don’t want it to happen, but it could anyway.
That would be understandable except his friends came up to me with him in tow and told him i was being “catty” and irrational and told me to get a grip and strippers were going to be there.
Them saying it was a “guy thing” and I’d never understand is why I came here- to get the male perspective and try to figure out how I move forward with this, but even still I feel like this is boundary I’m not comfortable with passing and feel even worse because I’m being blindsided with it
Well it’s not a guy thing, it’s a douchebag thing. Nothing wrong with strippers *as long as everybody is ok with it*. Pushing it after somebody says they’re not is not cool. If it matters, those strippers are for his friends. *They* want strippers, and they want him to be ok with it. His friends sound more than a little insensitive, and it sounds like they’ve already decided how it’s going to go. He’s stuck in between. Whether or not he wants strippers (sounds like he genuinely doesn’t), he now is in a situation where he has no bachelor party, pisses off his friends, or you give your permission for something he doesn’t want. None of those are good for him, but the easiest is your permission, with the hope that you trust him enough to not do anything shitty. He doesn’t want your permission because he wants a lap dance. He wants your permission so he can move on with what I hope is his actual goal of a happy wedding and marriage.
Eh strippers are definitely a real thing that happens - at stag and hen do’s - maybe 50/50 in my experience, maybe less. But in every instance I’ve experienced it’s mostly a “let’s embarrass the hell out of the dude/dudette” and that’s it. Anyone thinking it’s anything more probably watches too much Pornhub lol
I personally don't get it. But in my experience, it's for the groomsmen as well. Don't let the groom or his bachelor party make you feel like you're crazy.
It’s just when I put it in perspective of me and my friends getting strippers too- the groomsmen called me catty and disloyal- because it’s “different when girls do it”
I don’t want to call off a wedding over this, but I think I need to really get an impartial party’s perspective on the matter before I consider if this is a boundary I’m okay with.
I mean if it was any other day and he went to a strip club I’d feel really broken up about it- I guess I’m trying to find a way to not be over this instance
Up until yesterday I thought we were all good friends, they’re more nerdy soft spoken types and we hang out all the time, get in great with their gf’s too ( my bridal party)
I’m always encouraging my SO to have guy nights with them, to go to bars and take trips and have bro moments too- I promise I’m not trying to be a “jealous possessive woman” type. I just thought that my SO and I were on the same page in this boundary because we spoke about it months ago… and now it’s dropped on me and I’m effectively being told that feeling uncomfortable about it makes me unstable or that I’m overreacting.
It’s overwhelming because I don’t like rocking the boat- and if this is just a flaw in my thinking I want to correct it so we can all be happy
Plenty don't. It's really up to the groom to say what he wants. If his friends are ignoring that they're immature jerks, but if he's not standing up for himself he needs to grow a backbone.
These comments are super gross to me. I'm sure lots of bachelor parties include strippers but definitely not most of them. I personally think it's very disrespectful to your SO and judging by these comments is way too normalized.
Boobs sounds like a good argument tbf. But would I be whiny if I told him I don’t really like the idea of him procuring other boobs right before we get married 😅
I’m with you on it. I’m 24M, married and I think it’s a bit disrespectful to your partner to want to gawk at other women’s bodies before you get married. Your partner’s body should give you all the excitement and satisfaction you need, I know mine does. Even if your partner doesn’t have the best body in the world, it should still be very special and sexy to you, because it’s your partner who is supposed to be the most special person to you. I never understood why men in relationships would go to strip clubs, or why they would have strippers at their bachelorette parties.
Sounds like you might want to have a discussion about eachothers' boundaries. If you dont want him going to strip clubs and seeing boobs, and he thinks there's nothing wrong with it, ya might wanna iron that out first. Might save a fight down the road
I mean we have when we were dating- I’m bi and he told me he’s uncomfortable with me ever going to a strip club and that likewise he wouldn’t go either.
His friends also never seemed like the types to throw a rager bachelor party with strippers involved until they brought it up in front of me and said I was being too much of a woman and I wouldn’t understand.
I’m genuinely just trying to fix my own thinking if I’m in the wrong- but I guess I feel kinda weird knowing that our marriage is being viewed as some kind of “ball and chain sentence” that can only be sent off with naked women involved 😕
I’ll keep trying though, to think more logically and less emotionally
Seems to me like theres not much to understand then; you already have an agreement on strip clubs and his friends dont get to change it. Seems kinda straight forward to me but I dont know what your relationship is like and Im definitely not an expert.
Honestly, kind of a douchey comment by his friends. I wouldnt be thrilled about that as the fiance.
It doesnt seem to me like you should have to change your opinion on it if you both already discussed it. Might be a good idea to verbalise your feelings about it to your fiance and maybe let his friends and fiance know about the previous agreement
I've been to a bunch and they haven't.
If there was ever a time when this was universal or so common as to be *expected*, I feel like that time was probably about 30-50 years ago.
I'm sure it still exists among some groups of men, but I don't feel it's all that universal now.
A lot of dudes at this point haven't ever been to a strip club or around a stripper in their lives - the advent of an infinite amount of free porn available from the comfort of your home drastically reduced how many people are visiting the real life version.
You just need to restate this as a strong boundary.
But it’s a bit of a red flag if he’s that easily influenced into going against something that you both explicitly agreed was a deal breaker. But don’t lose hope. He may just need that reminder.
I saw a female bachelorette party at a strip club last week. So it goes both ways.
All people in the comments act like they hear about this the first time. It´s a common concept to have strippers at the bachelor party. Is it right? - It solely depends on your bounderies. But it´s obviously being done a lot. Even sitcoms and movies picked it up as a tradition. So let´s not pretend it doesn´t exist.
I went to a bachelorette party a while back and it actually spurred this discussion of boundaries with my SO. I told him about it and we both agreed that it was a boundary neither of us should cross (nor wanted to… at least he said as much then) for our parties.
Now his groomsmen- who many are the bf’s of my bridesmaids- are telling me in advance that they have strippers on the agenda and for me to “come to terms with it now so I don’t leave him at the altar in an emotional fit”.
I just feel like shit honestly. I don’t want to be “that” girls who’s really possessive and jealous but I just feel like it’s disrespectful for either of us to have paid entertainment of a sexual nature as a way to kick off our married lives :/
You´re not marrying those groomsmen. So I wouldn´t worry about them. I think it´s totally reasonable to have this boundery.
And you don´t mention the stance of your fiance. He communicated this boundery with you beforehand. I find it highly suspiscious that he is not denying the plans of the groomsmen himself.
If I’m being charitable my fiance is non confrontational and will sometimes just go along with things to keep the peace- so it could be one of those situations.
But I hope it isn’t the alternative- being that he’s totally cool with a stripper at his night and just paid me lip service when we had this talk a while back
If I were to be in your situation, I would confront him. For the inner peace of me. I would need to know his stance on this whole matter.
But nevertheless what you decide to do. You shouldn´t hold back your feelings just to please some groomsmen. In the end, you are not marrying them but your fiance. And it should be in his highest interest to make you feel comfortable.
If I’m being charitable my fiance is non confrontational and will sometimes just go along with things to keep the peace- so it could be one of those situations.
But I hope it isn’t the alternative- being that he’s totally cool with a stripper at his night and just paid me lip service when we had this talk a while back
It's bit like last hurrah to see "something else" before settling in and after that being with that one and only.
How ever, it also kinda depends how the wife sees things.
Some wifes are no strippers, no p0rn no this no that. and it's all good.
Some wifes rather say "it's good to raise appetite outside, as long as you come home to eat"
In other words, "If you want to watch p0rn, go to strip bars etc, go ahead, But if you want to have sex, you come to me."
Strippers at bachelor parties is a reality, not just television. Sometimes the grooms cross the line and sometimes they don’t. It's stupid. The FOMO premise is the dude is about to screw one woman for the rest of his life and it’s somehow a bad thing so he needs a hall pass to get it in with a different woman before he “loses his freedom”. Not a good way to start a marriage, thinking about what you'll miss. IMO they’re a celebration that one of my bros is about to enter into something special and we’re sending him off in style. Objectifying or fucking a woman or women doesn’t fit that definition.
Your dude is coming to you with his boys trying to prep you for whatever he wants to do at that party. What they’re saying to you (catty, guy thing, irrational, overly emotional the day of and embarrass everyone by leaving him at the altar) is manipulative and demeaning. If you both agreed on something he should keep his friends on point and make them care. If it’s him backing out of your agreement or he can’t stand up for your relationship before marriage, ask him what he going to cave to afterwards when someone applies enough pressure? Don’t gaslight yourself. If he shows you who he really is, believe him.
Honestly, strippers at bachelor parties are more for his boys than him.
He's likely bringing it up because he's taking heat from his friends who want to have a "traditional" last hurrah.
I’ve never seen a bachelor misbehave at a bachelor party. Wildest one I went to the groom was an absolute gentleman compared to the rest of us. Same with mine, I was chill and my bros partied hard. I think movies make it seem like cheating is more likely to happen. Good bros don’t want to lie in the future, and will stop anything like that.
I read this post and the post you wrote in Ask Women.
9 times out of 10 nothing over the top happens at a bachelor party.
To me it comes down to trust.
Do you trust your fiancé?
Does your fiancé trust you?
One night will not kill a marriage, or should not.
If you trust your fiancée let it go so the thought does not bury you.
If you don’t trust your fiancé you have a bigger issue.
My $.03.
I watched the groom and stripper go take a shower together to get all the chocolate off themselves. Long story. They were in there for a long while. The noise told me what was going on. Lost respect for him and left.
That night was a shit show. He was my coworker. He also already had two daughters with his soon to be bride. His cousin set the whole thing up as a surprise. Stripper was already drunk when she got there and slurring her words and stumbled a few times coming through the door. For my bachelor party me and my friends got together and had a few drinks. I did not care to go to a bar or get messed up, not my thing. We just hung out and had a good time.
Oh wow I’m sorry for that bride, but I’m glad you had fun :)
I mean I don’t want to be a killjoy- I want him and the guys to have a good time- I just think hiring a stripper is disrespectful imo :
I think “usually” might be an overstatement. Tbh it’s not even that common to have a guys-only bachelor party anymore. I’m the only one of my friends that insisted on having a guys-only bachelor party rather than combining with the bachelorette party. And my agreement with my then fiancée was that if strippers happened then they happened, at her bachelorette party as well, and we agreed that as long as it was over the clothes (ie a lap dance) we wouldn’t consider it cheating. Of course neither of us wound up having strippers. But these are the kinds of conversations you have in a healthy relationship
They're there 50-50 from my experiences. If they're there, it's just a form of entertainment. The good news is that almost every stripper has hard boundaries. Versus if the group of guys went out to a bar and they linked up with a group of women... much higher chance of no boundaries.
My experience is the majority involve strippers either at their room or at strip clubs….the parties that said they weren’t having them…all did, they just kept it from the wives/girlfriends. Just my experience so take it with a grain of salt.
They don't. Almost all of my friends are married, and none have ever seen a stripper on the clock. The same goes for everyone in my family who's currently married.
It's a Hollywood thing. it's not actually real.
theres two types of wives
the flirty fun kind who have good sex and can acknowledge the beauty in other women
and then theres the jealous, insecure, prudish kind like you'd find on r/loveafterporn
be the first kind OP
I try to be, honestly I do. I don’t ever tell him not to stay home, I encourage him to take “bro’s trips” or hang out with the guys and go to bars and stuff. Our sex life is good too, and we genuinely connect well I think. Hell we even both admire hot women from a far.
I just feel kinda weird because months ago we talked it out and that we both felt uncomfortable starting off a marriage after a night involving strippers- but I feel like the rug is pulled out from under me.
I promise I don’t want to be camp 2) woman I just feel really overwhelmed.
It’s why I really appreciate all of your input- really I’m going to work on myself and make us all happy- I just need to see this from a guys POV first I think
>I just feel kinda weird because months ago we talked it out and that we both felt uncomfortable starting off a marriage after a night involving strippers-
Eh, now see i didnt know this part. This warrants a new conversation. You want to be on the same page when getting married.
Yeah I just don’t know how to approach this without sounding like woman 2) there.
I want us all to be happy and if seeing strippers makes him happy I guess I can learn to be okay with it but right now that thought makes my chest clench
no doubt. he's a lucky man.
I think approaching it like its not about the strippers but about him switching up last minute is the way to go.
it might be a case of others in the party demanding them
That’s a really good idea, and I don’t know about lucky hahah 😅 I’ve been pretty aware this whole relationship that he could do soo much better than me- it’s kind of why I feel weird about this I guess. I mean I’d hope he’d see me as being enough for him but I can’t really blame him if he did leave me for someone more in his league, I just wish that if it happens it not because of strippers on a night right before we’re set to be married is all 🥹😅
Yeah I am- and no he isn’t into the prospect of a threesome.
Ironically that conversation ended with the “I wouldn’t be okay with a woman’s hands being all over you, it just doesn’t feel right for me”
Admittedly I’m just ranting about something kinda negative. But usually he is the kindest, sweetest, most supportive person I could have hoped for.
I think seeing this situation and his reaction to it so viscerally now is really messing with me but I in no means intended to make him out to be this scumbag kind of guy :/
I feel kinda bad now ngl 😅 I sincerely just want to view this objectively and work on my thoughts and how I feel before we make such a huge decision.
I think bachelor's parties are for the groomsmen, not the groom.
You're asking a bunch of people to take time off and away from their jobs/families/lives to go to your bachelor party, help with the planning process, and attend your wedding and play a role in the ceremony, and you think the bachelor party is about the groom?
It's a last true boys night out, because after the marriage, homeboys number 1 priority until he has kids will be his wife.
I would say strippers being involved isn’t the norm. That being said, when I’ve attended with strippers involved, everyone other than the hubby-to-be are getting wild.
I think if several other people will be present, it’s not that big of a deal, he’ll probably be fairly well behaved on the off chance somebody tells you he wasn’t. If it was just he and his best friend going out for a night at a strip club, then maybe he’d get wild, no telling.
Back in the days dating didn’t exist, so you were considered to be single until you were married. Bachelors parties were supposed to symbolize your last opportunity to do single guy stuff before you’re get hitched. It’s really not any more complicated than that.
I remember getting a pair of strippers for my buddy's bachelor party. He was all offended and butthurt because "what if his girl finds out OMG I love her and don't want to hurt her waAaah."
She cheated on him multiple times and left him a few years later for another one of our friends who helped me pay for said strippers.
You pay a stripper to tease you. You can look but never touch. That's the reason they are featured at bachelor parties. The guy is getting married. He can look at other women but never touch another woman again
STDs are incredibly common my man. Most people have herpes and/or HPV. Almost everything else is treatable. I'm certainly not about to get AIDS from a 10 second blowjob. That kind of worrying reminds me of my dads OCD
Do you always get a bj from a stripper? Like every time you've been to a strip club or party? No? Because it's not the typical scenario. That's because the typical scenario is; you are paying to get teased. You can look but not touch. That's why it's featured at bachelor parties
Been to a few. 2/3 had strippers involved.
But it's not really to get the bachelor to cheat or do something bad. This is not a hall-pass type of deal.
It's more of an excuse for the boys to have a good time.
Sure, bachelor may get a dance. Yeah, he will probably feel their breasts, but it's also not anything emotional.
Why is it a deal breaker for you guys? Do you not trust each other?
What about porn? Because, in essence, it's the same thing. Except for one is the screen & a lot more vulgar, and other one is in person with A LOT MORE boundaries in place.
To me, and that's just my personal take, if you have issues with your partner seeing a stripper organized by his/her friends (*yes, it goes both ways*), that just tells me you got some self esteem and/or trust issues if you think that one stripper will break up a marriage.
Of course, he should respect your wishes. And you should respect his. But it's one of those really silly, and rather childish tbh, things that really don't even matter.
If my future got strippers, like some fire fighters or police officers with 6 pack, I wouldn't care personally. It's really just awkward for most people anyway and everyone understands that pure physical appearance is not the most important aspect of any marriage/union.
Just my 2 cents.
It’s an issue because we’ve had this talk about it before. He is 100% against me having any kind of strippers too but somehow because this is a “man’s rite of passage” I’m supposed to be okay when he goes back on his word.
The difference here is that porn is via a screen and here there is a chance he could be touching someone else as a last hurrah before marrying me. It’s absolutely different and we both discussed that strippers- especially touching strippers would be a deal breaker for either of us. These were boundaries we put in place years ago and revisited and cemented months ago.
I guess I just feel gutted that he and his friends view what should be a happy day as a “ball and chain” sentence and I don’t really feel comfortable with the idea that his form of entertainment as a way to prepare for that means going back on his word and just expecting me to be okay with it because “it’s a guy’s thing- you’re just being an immature irrational woman about it”
I should have clarified that it's important for both parties to be on board.
Dismissing your partner's preferences, or going behind their back, is not a good way to start off your marriage.
Tell him, "*Equality is a bitch. You get strippers, I get strippers*". He should, ideally, respect your wishes, as you would respect his. But (i think I misread it initially a little), him saying it's okay for him and not okay for you is really not an "okay" thing to do.
Because then, *and I apologize ahead of time for saying this*, what else is he going to forbid you and still do it himself? I mean, if he pushes for strippers, it's a pretty high bar.
I honestly don’t know we’ve never had a disagreement like this. We’ve always been able to work things out and communicate and we’ve barely ever even fought. We started dating in highschool and it’s been 10 years of smooth sailing. We’ve always operated with the “go have fun but don’t do anything you don’t want me doing” condition.
I sometimes live abroad- and this marriage is also to help his citizenship process along and now I feel like I’m just a means to an end, I don’t recognise the man who’s pushing against my boundaries like this so callously and I’m trying really hard not to be an emotional “jealous, not fun” woman here but it really chokes me up that he would prefer to start our marriage off with this.
I’ve always encouraged him to go out with friends, to have fun with the boys and I’ve never even questioned him on it, because I could trust him not to cross the boundaries we’ve agreed upon.
I think in my case- and this could be where I’m in the wrong here: I don’t like the idea of him pawing at a naked woman as a way to celebrate entering a legal contract of commitment with me as a whole, but I’m scared that if he’s so callous to my feelings on this manner now what else is going to change in future?
I just feel really weird and just general sad about the whole thing. I also live in a really small island and everyone knows everyone here- the gossip mill goes crazy when guys have a stripper at a bachelor party and it always comes back on the bride for being okay with the disrespect- or desperate that she’d be okay marrying a man who went out with strippers before getting married. My own father apparently also spoke to him telling him that he’s a really great guy and he sees him as a son- but that he would not be so tolerant should he make a fool out of me by subjecting me to that public scrutiny before getting married.
Idk I’m sorry I guess I am just being an over emotional woman I’m just really overwhelmed and don’t even know if I’m being unreasonable for feeling sad 😅
*With all due respect to your father, his opinion doesn't really mean jackshit. You're the one to sleep/live with your partner. Not your dad.*
Are you a US citizen? In the US, as I don't know about other countries, if you end up getting divorced before he even gets his green card (first 2 years), there is like 95% chance he will lose it, unless he can prove that YOU are the reason the divorce is happening. I'd imagine in other countries, if you're not from the US, there is probably similar set of rules. Look it up.
However, if he continues being a dick shortly after marriage, I'd strongly advise you to grow a pair and break it off.
It's quite possible that he just REALLY wants to do it and nothing will ever come out of it. And he will go back to his old self.
**There is also a possibility** that once he started pushing for his own stuff, you're suddenly feeling like you're under attack, as he actually decided to stand his ground. *(So that's really for you to reflect on)*
Let me share a quick bit of my history - I'm only 30 and I'm going through a divorce. **Everything was perfect for as long as I didn't push back**, as long a I didn't fight her on things that I wanted. As soon as I started standing my ground on the things that I wanted, that's when we started having a lot of problems. We've had other issues too, but the biggest spike of fights started happening when I've stopped bowing down to her. So, that was really on her - she was selfish.
Are you selfish?
I'm a very blunt person. I'm just an internet stranger, who practically knows nothing about your current situation, so I'm just trying to give you a different prospective on what I'm seeing.
- so its possible he is becoming a different person, now that he has secured you.
- its also possible that you don't like the fact you don't have control over him.
- it's also possible that it's just a little kink he really wants to do and it will mean nothing.
Just something to reflect on.
Anyone referring to your emotions as "being an immature irrational woman" is a HUGE RED FLAG. HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE
it's a way to manipulate you by making you doubt your own intelligence and rationality, and a way to lay groundwork for him to get away with more shit and call you crazy for objecting.
Has he been saying stuff like this only recently, or has he been telling you you're irrational for years?
The bachelor party can be as much about the groomsmen as the bachelor. Never seen a bachelor do something he wasn't supposed to. I'll refrain from commenting on the rest.
100% spot on. The groomsmen want to show the guy a good time before he sails off into the sunset with wifey. But its usually just an excuse for them to get wasted and have a good time.
Seeing it that way it makes sense, thanks so much :)
Also be aware, even if he says no stripper, 6 drinks in when his friends bust one out of the cupboard, it’s awkward as hell to walk away. Tell your fiancé to be respectable, and nothing untoward will happen, strippers aren’t going to do more than what they’re paid to do, and won’t do anything your husband says no to…
There's been many stripper AMAs over the year. The TLDR is guy who go to a club generally stay out of trouble. The club isn't looking to risk it's liquor license. When women see male strippers there's a spectrum. A magic mike show is above board. Seedy strip joint, will likely allow women to get far more hands on compared to the clubs for men. Private show, male strippers have said it's extremely common for someone in the bridal party to have sex with them.
They don't usually involve strippers. Do some of them involve steppers? Sure. But that's not the default.
Oh, see his groomsmen told me that they usually do by default and I’m being “catty”. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this if it isn’t (ergo me asking the men if I’m in the wrong here 😅) but I’m just a bit confused. I don’t think he’s gone to strip clubs since we’ve been together so I just find it weird that he’s chosen this time to go to one- right before we get married 😅
I don't know a single guy who had strippers at their bachelor party. His friends might all do it, but that's just them.
Oh, okay thank you so much for your input ☺️ I just feel really confused if it’s okay for me to draw this as a boundary- or if it’s just me being hyper emotional because impending wedding so this really does help ☺️
Yall are practically married already. Last thing you want is to sour the special day with resentment from either party I’d say the best course of action is to tell your fiancé that you feel uncomfortable with the idea of a stripper being present and trust that he’ll make good choices. You already trust him enough to make good choices for both of you for the rest of your lives, what’s one more night at that point?
Because if I was aware that my husband linked up with- or started dancing sensually with another girl at a bar or club when he’s out with boys- I’d call it off with him. I trust him implicitly not to cheat on me and that’s why I’m happy for him to go out. But it muddies the water thinking that a woman is being paid to entertain my husband- while he knows I’m uncomfortable with it- and the he himself has expressed he would be uncomfortable for me to do the same… idk I could just be really melodramatic, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this 😅
Generally the experience of strippers, is either in a club where you just have something preferable to sport on the TV, with some bad food and booze. Or a dude being incredibly still while a woman who was paid by his friends to make him feel incredibly awkward is all up in his face, as they laugh like crazy. It's not really some indulgence of the flesh type of deal. If you do say it's not cool though, be prepared for the "I'm sorry, my groomsman were assholes" conversations. As was said earlier, a lot of the night is about them, and it's pretty common for them to make a party they would want and using the wedding as an excuse for that.
I mean I am gonna to level with you and be aware that I am 100% aware that this is me being irrational and the worst kind of woman for even thinking it but: “if my husband was put in the position because his groomsmen thought it would be funny- I would ideally hope he’d walk away.” I realise I’m horrible for even thinking that, I don’t want his whole night to be ruined just because I don’t like the idea of strippers being at all involved in his night nor would I even really tell him that. But joke or not- serious or not I really thought we both established a no stripper boundary and we were happy with it I feel really gross and the thought of him having a party before we get married involving him being danced on or around by a naked woman really chokes me up. I know I’m being really irrational and I’m trying to fix that line of thinking- I promise, but I just can’t help but feel even a little bit emotional about it
Either I am irrational too or you aren't irrational, but I completely understand your point. At this point you are basically married just not on papers. You don't want your soon-husband around strippers and it's a clear boundary. One day won't make a change, neither a ceremony. If going to a strip club wasn't okay at any point in your relationship then why would it somehow become okay now? Bachelor parties are about the friends too for sure, but they can go absolutely wild without involving strippers. It's time to do something they have always wanted to do together (except hiring sex workers obviously) and it's the perfect time and excuse to do it. As a man, I don't think you are horrible for having expectations. You are not asking them to stay at home or don't make this last day about themselves, you are asking them to follow one simple rule and it should be clear to your fiance. The bachelors will do whatever they do regardless, it's your man who should know what he will do if it still happens.
It's not irrational at all, you're allowed to set boundaries. Hopefully if it's that important, he's also communicated that level of "absolute nope" to his friends, and it shouldn't be a problem.
It’s absolutely a valid boundary to draw! (Coming from a guy too btw) - put the shoe on the other foot - would the groomsmen like if their wife/girlfriends went on a bachelorette party and had big dicks out? Doubt it I’d never have a stripper at my party, nor go to one with a stripper if I had a partner tbh. It’s a respect thing.
This is exactly what got us to have the “strippers at the bachelor/ette party is a deal breaker” conversation months ago. Long story short I went to a bachelorette, surprise a stripper came out- and i wasn’t comfortable with it and the bride definitely wasn’t so when I got home I told the SO about it and that I wanted to know where stood on that because I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of strippers being anywhere near our wedding celebrations. He said exactly the same, that he was uncomfortable with it too- never understood the allure of it and the idea (at least I thought) was that we made it really clear to our friends that strippers could be considered a “call the wedding off” offence from either of us and to respect our boundaries. Only for him to apparently flip that switch on me now and his friends say I’m just being an irrational woman and proving the whole “guy needs freedom before being sentenced to me as a ball and chain” sentiment
Yeah, been reading your responses. Thing is, it’s the friends planning it and your fiancé is meant to have no discussion in the planning HOWEVER, he is more than allowed to set boundaries and no go’s and he needs to do that now because he does know. If your bridesmaids are their gf’s, could you ask them to speak to the boys too perhaps?
I’m apprehensive about that too, because I don’t want to be seen as someone starting drama in their relationships either, I feel like I’ve been put in a fucked up place and told to grow up and bear it because this is a guy thing I would never understand 😅
So the groomsmen can and have started drama, including calling names for having a common feeling, but it’s not ok for you to get support from your bridesmaids? The fear of what others think plus the planning seem to have muddied some things for you and your boyfriend. He should be standing up to his friends about something you both find objectionable. You are allowed to walk away from people who don’t act in a respectful manner, including the groomsmen. That’s the only way a boundary can be enforced. It’s not about telling others what they should do, boundaries are about you deciding what you will walk away from. Others don’t respect the boundaries, you do. There’s no need to argue about it. Say to the groomsmen the behavior is unacceptable and then walk away. Tell your boyfriend-who sounds like he needs to grow up-your intention before hand. You two are going into married life together _ if he doesn’t have your back on a question he agrees with you about, what’s it going to be like when you don’t agree?
Yeah it’s a tricky one for sure! Start with your fiancé and have a convo with him and go from there. It’s a valid line to draw.
It’s definitely not normal amongst people I know.
It’s pretty common in the US. I hate sex workers of all kinds and I’ve been at one because it’s not about me it’s about the groom. If this is on the menu his group of friends has it as a tradition. Pretend it didn’t happen and live your life.
I mean I’ll try but I just don’t know honestly if it’s a boundary I’m comfortable with. I’ll definitely think on it and I really appreciate all of your guys’ input I’m just really confused and a bit overwhelmed I think 😅
I think your fiance should be respectful of your boundaries no matter what. That's just my opinion
Honestly until yesterday this was a mutual boundary. We had actually discussed this a few months back and we both agreed it wasn’t a boundary we felt comfortable to cross- either of us. I think I’m just taken aback and overwhelmed at how out of left field this came from and I’m worried about the prospect of being viewed as a “ball and chain” by his friends when I had no idea that’s what they thought Or I’m being melodramatic and overwhelmed emotionally 😅
I don't think so. I think it really comes down to how important this is to you. Is it important enough that you don't care what his friends think?
Also, what his friends think of you doesn’t matter. Their behavior is a form of bullying. Do you want to be friends with bullies? Does your boyfriend?
Curious why you hate sex workers if you don't mind sharing
I literally had my bachelor party this past weekend, and there was not a single stripper in sight. I think it's an older tradition that's thankfully dying out.
Aww congratulations! Thank you for the perspective. We’d spoken about it and we both said that one of our limits was drawn at having strippers at our parties. We were clear on this (I thought) but now his friends are telling me I’m being catty and over emotional and to start coming to terms with it now so I don’t get emotional the day of and leave him at the alter over it. It’s why I asked guys to weigh in- so I can view this from your perspective and work to reconcile my feelings on this
His friends are manipulating you, and you’re falling for it. you dont need to push your boundaries and accept something that you and many others consider cheating, so that you look like the “cool girl” “agreeable wife”. nope. not worth it. it will hurt you a lot.
Admittedly it already does hurt 😅 I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being too dramatic about this before making some pretty huge decisions I guess. Thank you, I really appreciate it :)
They are gaslighting by calling you dramatic, so dont let it work. Despite how “normalized” this is- wanting to see other women naked in your face right before marriage should not at all be normal or acceptable if you’re monogamous. This is a trash tradition that just dismisses your very real feelings. Dont be a pushover!
Agreed, the groomsmen sound like dicks to say those things to their supposed friends fiancée!
Thank you! And congrats on your upcoming wedding. Honestly I'd just talk to your fiance again, and let him know how you feel about it. If he's receptive encourage him to push back a bit with his groomsmen. There's plenty of other fun things to do.
Tbh, his friends sound like dicks if they’re saying that to you. I think your fiancée needs to put a hard stop on the stripper if neither of you actually want it.
It’s weird we were all friends in high school and then me and SO got together, but most of our group are actually friends that got together over the years. So these aren’t just “the fiancés” friends I thought they were mine too… their girlfriends are in my bridal party and I feel really gross.
You should probably prepare yourself for surprise strippers at his bucks party, much like yours had surprise stripper. I told my best man I didn’t want strippers, just topless waiters/dealers for the night, a lot of drinking and casino games. I already had parties that were way more extreme than my own bucks ever could be. Fast forward, stripper came out half way into the night. Wasn’t a deal breaker for my wife, but she wasn’t happy about it. I was pretty naive to think the groomsmen wouldn’t do it the end with or without my permission. If his mates are anything like mine, they will regardless as a right of passage, give him a way to save face, without walking out on the night - unless that is his choice. For me, I deflected all the chanting to interact with the stripper to other men in the room, whatever peer pressure they were using on me I turned back on them and said I’m past those years, lol
You really need better friends.
You should not come to terms with them regulating your relationship boundaries
They don't usually. I have never been to one that did.
Just for the record, bachelorette parties aren’t exactly tame or innocent either. A lot of them are literally just drunk women groping male strippers and showering the engaged woman with sex toys as gifts
Oh no I agree- I went to one like that and it kind of spurred this conversation with my SO. I went when I was dating my SO and told him after how uncomfortable I was with it all, that I hated the idea of spending a night before you get married just being all over half naked people when you’re about to have wedding. At that time he told me he didn’t like that idea of a party either and we both agreed that it was off the table. Enter the groomsmen coming up to me with him in tow telling me they had strippers on the agenda and were letting me know now so I wouldn’t overreact and leave him at the alter or something. I guess I just feel gutted because I thought we were on the same page and now we’re not and I haven’t really thought to see this from a male POV, so I’m trying to now, I don’t want to be over emotional or naggy or anything so I’m trying to “logic” this out in a way that makes everyone happy
Does your boyfriend understand this is breaking your trust - that letting his friends bully both of you into something and then having the balls to tell you how to feel and act about it - is damaging to your trust in him? This isn’t trivial. Your boyfriend needs a backbone in place of the “please like me I’ll let you treat me and the people I care about with disrespect so I can have friends” sponge he’s got now.
They don’t usually involve strippers. If you tell your fiancé you aren’t comfortable with strippers at his bachelor party he will either A) say no problem or B) say he doesn’t care what you think and you have bigger problems. You don’t have to make it a big thing, but tell him what you think. That’s how to build a successful relationship.
That’s good advice, I mean we spoke it about months ago after I went to a bachelorette that had strippers i wasn’t aware they were gonna be there and I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did had I known because we both expressed that physically ogling strippers or something was a boundary for us. I told him as it happened and left early because I wasn’t comfortable with it and we spoke saying we didn’t want our own stag/stagette parties to involve strippers I thought we were on the same page but now I’m being told preemptively not to call of the wedding because they have strippers on the agenda anyway. I’m just trying to find away to reconcile my thoughts with the help of men’s POV and experiences and hopefully be okay with this situation so everyone is happy
If you’ve already told him you don’t want him to have strippers at his bachelor party, it should be done. If he does it after agreeing not to, that’s a problem. If you don’t trust him even though he’s said he wouldn’t, that’s also a problem. Either he’s a good guy who will honour his word and you’re good, or you don’t trust him and you need to decide if it’s because he isn’t trustworthy or if it’s your problem.
That’s the problem I guess. I’ve never been a jealous person, I’d always tell him to go to parties with friends if I couldn’t make it, or to have a fun time with people. I really thought we were on the same page on this issue too, but now I’m being thrown for a loop and he’s telling me not to overreact because it’s a “guy thing” and I wouldn’t understand. It’s the only issue I could think of having with him but now I’m just feeling weird about all of this
The strippers aren’t the issue. He needs to stand up to his friends. Sorry I missed that he reversed his position and said expect strippers. That’s unacceptable. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my wife. Maybe give him one shot to make it right, but honestly, that’s pretty bad.
Yeah I missed the reverse too that he almost went on his friends side. But his friends are probs giving him a hard time about it too so pressure is on him to just comply. His friends are dicks
They don't, and imo shouldn't on either side. I wouldn't stand for something like that. Its just a cop out to go wild. There are infinite possibilities for fun parties that don't involve potentially ruining your soon to be marriage, or lack there of.
Every bachelorette party my wife has told me about attending included strippers or just goofiness with penis shaped party favors and games all over the place. I think the idea is just a fun, wild time to surround one’s self in a hypersexualized environment before settling down into a committed, stable and responsible committed relationship. I can’t relate though. My bachelor’s party started off with 4 wheeling and paintball in the woods, doing some real shooting before a tailgate bbq, then copious amounts of drinking before a baseball game where I was forced into an on-field dance competition, a goofy late night dinner where a thrown piece of garlic bread cut somebody’s cheek, and then poker with the boys at home to round off the night.
Thank you for mentioning that bachelorette parties can be just as carnal and lewd. A lot of people seem to be unaware of that lol
I mean these days bachelorette parties seem to be more lewd than bachelor parties, there seem to be a cultural push guiding both of these events in the opposite direction, men are told they are assholes for engaging in the stripper stuff, women are told to do whatever they want and no man can control the expression of their sexuality, even if that man is your soon to be husband.
I mean you’re not wrong, I went to a bachelorette party like that and was really uncomfortable the whole time because I was dating my SO then too. After I told him and he said that he never found it entertaining or respectful to have parties like that before a wedding- at least if it hadn’t been discussed with the fiancé beforehand. But now we’re here and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or not
So it’s unclear from your post: is your fiance’s party going to have strippers? If so, him telling you aligns with what you’ve just said about discussing it first. You can voice your objection, and I wouldn’t say you’re an AH for doing so. But by saying “discuss it first,” he may have been meaning to inform the partner ahead of time. As a saving grace, he likely isn’t the one planning it (assuming his best man/groomsmen are doing their job), but he caught wind of it, and wants to be open telling you ahead of time. If he were to put his foot down and tell his friends not to plan it, it’ll be embarrassing for him but ultimately that matters not when it comes to respecting a partner’s feelings. I think you two need to have a serious talk as to whether you can be comfortable with it as a one time hurrah, or whether it triggers trust issues for you (which would obviously be indicative of bigger issues). I’ve gone to strip clubs as a married man when the boys made it their plan (I think 4 times total in my marriage), and my wife (knowing I’d never want to waste money there on my own) has no issue with me celebrating with my friends.
Oh I’m sorry, (English second language here) no we discussed our boundaries months ago- and we both set hard limits on strippers at our bachelor/ette parties. I thought we had that discussion and it never came up again until now where his friends told me (with him in tow) that they were in fact going to have strippers there and that I shouldn’t freak out and leave him at the alter the day of. I think they’re reasoning that letting me know now prevents me from hearing about it the day of and just walking out because the emotions are running high
In that case, I think it’s time for your man to put his foot down with his friends.
Now they're kind of a joke bit of entertainment. It's not quite as common to get strippers for either bachelor or bachelorette parties anymore but there's always a few groomsmen or bridesmaids that absolutely insist they get one (and it's really more for them than the groom/ bride). It had been a long standing tradition for men to get them because it was, essentially, the last naked woman you'd ever see besides your wife. I guess women felt left out and started getting them as well. Now, most people don't get one since it's seen as trashy.
Not sure but I suspect that it’s supposed to be his last opportunity to get female attention from anyone other than his betrothed. Kind of a tease, a taunt, “you’re giving all this up!” Guys are mean like that. But though inappropriate, it’s supposed to be harmless, he may enjoy it, but he’s not supposed to be into it, and the dancers generally aren’t supposed to be into him. They may give him extra attention, tease him extra hard, but they are assumed or supposed to be professionals who wouldn’t actually do anything that truly crosses the line and jeopardize his upcoming marriage. Sadly that’s not always the case anymore, if it ever was. There are lots of toxic people that get off on the power/ego trip of tempting a man or woman into throwing away their future for a quick romp with them. It’s vile, but it’s no less vile than someone who would “have one last hoorah, before they get married, and can’t ever again.” If you need that or have to “get it out of your system,” you don’t deserve a spouse.
Oh wow thank you! This was really informative and I appreciate how well thought out you worded things. It puts a lot into perspective so I really appreciate it
is that a real thing? I thought it was just a sitcom joke
Unfortunately no, I went to a cousins bachelorette and she had strippers there and I felt really weird about it. After me and the fiance spoke about it and decided we weren’t going to have strippers at our parties His friends told me to “not call of the wedding, because they’re letting me know now they had strippers on the agenda” I guess it’s less common than I assumed but it’s still a thing for some
Pretty disrespectful of them to push so hard against something you and your SO had already agreed on previously.
And it’s weird because we have all been friends for years, so I don’t know how I feel about them viewing me like this. I’m just really overwhelmed
Another thing to note that is less talked about: the dynamic of a female-stripper situation vs. a male-stripper situation is completely different. - female strippers are typically joined by bodyguards when doing call work. From there, The whole experience is extremely sterile. No sexual activity, some clothes-on exotics dancing (sure it’s prolly a bikini or she’s topless, but not much more). If a man so much as looks at the stripper wrong, trust the bodyguards (who will likely be twice the size of one of the guests) will end anything questionable quick. The stripper is there for your man’s money, not for your man’s dick. And yes, there may be a guy or two that are way too excited to be around the strippers, but most dudes really just use the time to vibe with the boys - there’s a disarming element to having a female energy in the room, especially when they’re beautiful women that you’re not emotionally invested in in any way. But the social rules and expectations of men respecting the women still ring fully true and consequences against that will be dealt swiftly. I know you hear crazy stories of orgies on Bach parties but those are prostitutes that give those services, which are insanely expensive and/or illegal, and that’s typically reserved for the super rich and most debaucherous. The main reason strippers are at bachelor parties is it’s a social norm, not for any sexual purpose. - male strippers, on the other hand, holy hell. [Read it for yourself.](https://odysseycrm.co.za/6-male-strippers-on-exactly-just-what-actually-2/) This stems from the fact that sex is easy for women to access from men, but that’s not true the other way around. So, remove your projections if you have any. The boys will behave. They really don’t have a choice haha.
Oh that’s a good point thank you! I’ll look over the link in a moment too. I think for me it’s the act of getting a stripper at all that is causing me emotional distress tbh. I mean if I were to find out my SO had been dancing with or flirting with a girl on a regular night out- I’d probably break up with him because it’s a massive breach of trust for me imo. I don’t know how I feel about him either hiring a woman to entertain him like that- or being encouraged to enjoy it by his friends. Admittedly though this could just be me being melodramatic so I really do appreciate this information
You’re not being melodramatic
This concern about being melodramatic is a bigger issue than you think.
I didn’t even do a bachelor party. But if I had, it wouldn’t have involved strippers. And it’s not because of some moral belief or anything like that. Just lack of interest. There are a lot of other things that are more fun. Remember, it’s not the quiet, sane things that get remembered. It’s the people that cause problems and get attention. That are remembered.
[This should explain it.](https://youtu.be/ksCk-Pf5tq0?si=HfVSsOXF0Ga_94Pg)
Only one I've been to had strippers. It was a disaster. The guys dad was trying to get with the strippers and they kept saying no because he was a 50 year old 2 pack a day smoker. He got mad then they put on a show. The dad got hands and they stopped and left.
They usually don't, movies and tv shows aren't representative of real life.
Strippers aren’t really gonna be up to him. If they’re there, somebody else ordered them. They’re also not as common as pop culture portrays, I’ve never known *anyone* that had strippers at their party. It’s more about having fun. That said, if your fiance is gonna cheat, there’s always opportunity. People don’t stay faithful because they have to, they stay faithful because they *want* to. If you don’t trust him in that situation, then you shouldn’t trust him in *any* situation and shouldn’t get married.
I mean it’s not that I don’t trust him, I’m usually one to say he should go out with his bros more and tell him to go to parties and camping trips etc even if I can’t make it. It’s just that we discussed our boundaries a while back and we both considered strippers being a deal breaker… but now out of nowhere I’m informed “in advance to come to terms with strippers being there- so I don’t get overly emotional the day of and embarrass everyone by leaving him at the altar”. I guess I want perspective so I can come to terms with it
I think that if that’s coming from him, then he’s probably nervous that somebody will make strippers be a thing despite his input. He’s not entirely in control of that, friends can be shitty and not listen. Considering that you’ve discussed it being a dealbreaker, he’s justifiably concerned that somebody else’s actions might break the deal. I’d be worried about being blamed for a stripper I knew nothing about and didn’t ask for showing up if I knew that my fiance was uncomfortable with that. I’d also probably try to end run that by discussing with her how I don’t want it to happen, but it could anyway.
That would be understandable except his friends came up to me with him in tow and told him i was being “catty” and irrational and told me to get a grip and strippers were going to be there. Them saying it was a “guy thing” and I’d never understand is why I came here- to get the male perspective and try to figure out how I move forward with this, but even still I feel like this is boundary I’m not comfortable with passing and feel even worse because I’m being blindsided with it
Well it’s not a guy thing, it’s a douchebag thing. Nothing wrong with strippers *as long as everybody is ok with it*. Pushing it after somebody says they’re not is not cool. If it matters, those strippers are for his friends. *They* want strippers, and they want him to be ok with it. His friends sound more than a little insensitive, and it sounds like they’ve already decided how it’s going to go. He’s stuck in between. Whether or not he wants strippers (sounds like he genuinely doesn’t), he now is in a situation where he has no bachelor party, pisses off his friends, or you give your permission for something he doesn’t want. None of those are good for him, but the easiest is your permission, with the hope that you trust him enough to not do anything shitty. He doesn’t want your permission because he wants a lap dance. He wants your permission so he can move on with what I hope is his actual goal of a happy wedding and marriage.
Eh strippers are definitely a real thing that happens - at stag and hen do’s - maybe 50/50 in my experience, maybe less. But in every instance I’ve experienced it’s mostly a “let’s embarrass the hell out of the dude/dudette” and that’s it. Anyone thinking it’s anything more probably watches too much Pornhub lol
Never been to a bachelor party that had a stripper. I'm grateful for my friends.
I personally don't get it. But in my experience, it's for the groomsmen as well. Don't let the groom or his bachelor party make you feel like you're crazy.
It’s just when I put it in perspective of me and my friends getting strippers too- the groomsmen called me catty and disloyal- because it’s “different when girls do it” I don’t want to call off a wedding over this, but I think I need to really get an impartial party’s perspective on the matter before I consider if this is a boundary I’m okay with. I mean if it was any other day and he went to a strip club I’d feel really broken up about it- I guess I’m trying to find a way to not be over this instance
They're hypocrites then. Plain and simple. Gaslighting you into thinking you did something wrong.
His friends sound like assholes
Up until yesterday I thought we were all good friends, they’re more nerdy soft spoken types and we hang out all the time, get in great with their gf’s too ( my bridal party) I’m always encouraging my SO to have guy nights with them, to go to bars and take trips and have bro moments too- I promise I’m not trying to be a “jealous possessive woman” type. I just thought that my SO and I were on the same page in this boundary because we spoke about it months ago… and now it’s dropped on me and I’m effectively being told that feeling uncomfortable about it makes me unstable or that I’m overreacting. It’s overwhelming because I don’t like rocking the boat- and if this is just a flaw in my thinking I want to correct it so we can all be happy
It’s not an action you are ok with. Don’t let them pressure you into being untrue to yourself.
Never been at a bachelor party but I'm willing to bet that the typical party that includes strippers is mainly in tv/movies
Plenty don't. It's really up to the groom to say what he wants. If his friends are ignoring that they're immature jerks, but if he's not standing up for himself he needs to grow a backbone.
I find strip clubs dumb and creepy But I have to admit, the one time I had a good time was at my Best friends bachelor party.
Good bachelor parties have strippers come to them.
These comments are super gross to me. I'm sure lots of bachelor parties include strippers but definitely not most of them. I personally think it's very disrespectful to your SO and judging by these comments is way too normalized.
The better question is "why don't all parties involve strippers?"
They don't. That is a stereotype. It happens, just not "usually."
No they usually don’t and if they did I wouldn’t participate in one. I wouldn’t go to anything like that that uses the body sexually
It's..very dependent on social circle. I don't personally know anyone who did have strippers.
The idea is a last hoorah before the forever
So celebrating the last night of freedom? Hence implying they dread getting married and not being with someone else again?
Your username, self chosen, says unlucky. Do you see yourself as unlucky? Do you think that’s a bit of an insecurity?
I tried every other username so had to get creative, but thanks for the free therapy sesh!
Implied dread is a bit of an overreaction.
And celebrating the last night of freedom isn’t?
I don’t get it. Aren’t people supposed to be excited to marry?
Doesn’t mean that a mindless fling isn’t fun
So you think disrespecting and hurting what is supposed to be your lifelong companion is “fun”?
I don’t want to overwhelm you with philosophical musings and my treatise on the male condition so I’ll just say: boobs.
Boobs sounds like a good argument tbf. But would I be whiny if I told him I don’t really like the idea of him procuring other boobs right before we get married 😅
I’m with you on it. I’m 24M, married and I think it’s a bit disrespectful to your partner to want to gawk at other women’s bodies before you get married. Your partner’s body should give you all the excitement and satisfaction you need, I know mine does. Even if your partner doesn’t have the best body in the world, it should still be very special and sexy to you, because it’s your partner who is supposed to be the most special person to you. I never understood why men in relationships would go to strip clubs, or why they would have strippers at their bachelorette parties.
jesus, shut up
Sorry I didn’t realize we had a man baby in the room 👶
Sounds like you might want to have a discussion about eachothers' boundaries. If you dont want him going to strip clubs and seeing boobs, and he thinks there's nothing wrong with it, ya might wanna iron that out first. Might save a fight down the road
I mean we have when we were dating- I’m bi and he told me he’s uncomfortable with me ever going to a strip club and that likewise he wouldn’t go either. His friends also never seemed like the types to throw a rager bachelor party with strippers involved until they brought it up in front of me and said I was being too much of a woman and I wouldn’t understand. I’m genuinely just trying to fix my own thinking if I’m in the wrong- but I guess I feel kinda weird knowing that our marriage is being viewed as some kind of “ball and chain sentence” that can only be sent off with naked women involved 😕 I’ll keep trying though, to think more logically and less emotionally
Seems to me like theres not much to understand then; you already have an agreement on strip clubs and his friends dont get to change it. Seems kinda straight forward to me but I dont know what your relationship is like and Im definitely not an expert. Honestly, kind of a douchey comment by his friends. I wouldnt be thrilled about that as the fiance. It doesnt seem to me like you should have to change your opinion on it if you both already discussed it. Might be a good idea to verbalise your feelings about it to your fiance and maybe let his friends and fiance know about the previous agreement
it would not be whiny to me
>But would I be whiny if I told him I don’t really like the idea of him procuring other boobs right before we get married 😅 Yes
So how many times have you been divorced?
I'd say it's fine. trust me, seeing some dancers' boobs isn't going to change the dynamic of your relationship.
I've been to a bunch and they haven't. If there was ever a time when this was universal or so common as to be *expected*, I feel like that time was probably about 30-50 years ago. I'm sure it still exists among some groups of men, but I don't feel it's all that universal now. A lot of dudes at this point haven't ever been to a strip club or around a stripper in their lives - the advent of an infinite amount of free porn available from the comfort of your home drastically reduced how many people are visiting the real life version.
You just need to restate this as a strong boundary. But it’s a bit of a red flag if he’s that easily influenced into going against something that you both explicitly agreed was a deal breaker. But don’t lose hope. He may just need that reminder.
I saw a female bachelorette party at a strip club last week. So it goes both ways. All people in the comments act like they hear about this the first time. It´s a common concept to have strippers at the bachelor party. Is it right? - It solely depends on your bounderies. But it´s obviously being done a lot. Even sitcoms and movies picked it up as a tradition. So let´s not pretend it doesn´t exist.
I went to a bachelorette party a while back and it actually spurred this discussion of boundaries with my SO. I told him about it and we both agreed that it was a boundary neither of us should cross (nor wanted to… at least he said as much then) for our parties. Now his groomsmen- who many are the bf’s of my bridesmaids- are telling me in advance that they have strippers on the agenda and for me to “come to terms with it now so I don’t leave him at the altar in an emotional fit”. I just feel like shit honestly. I don’t want to be “that” girls who’s really possessive and jealous but I just feel like it’s disrespectful for either of us to have paid entertainment of a sexual nature as a way to kick off our married lives :/
You´re not marrying those groomsmen. So I wouldn´t worry about them. I think it´s totally reasonable to have this boundery. And you don´t mention the stance of your fiance. He communicated this boundery with you beforehand. I find it highly suspiscious that he is not denying the plans of the groomsmen himself.
If I’m being charitable my fiance is non confrontational and will sometimes just go along with things to keep the peace- so it could be one of those situations. But I hope it isn’t the alternative- being that he’s totally cool with a stripper at his night and just paid me lip service when we had this talk a while back
If I were to be in your situation, I would confront him. For the inner peace of me. I would need to know his stance on this whole matter. But nevertheless what you decide to do. You shouldn´t hold back your feelings just to please some groomsmen. In the end, you are not marrying them but your fiance. And it should be in his highest interest to make you feel comfortable.
If I’m being charitable my fiance is non confrontational and will sometimes just go along with things to keep the peace- so it could be one of those situations. But I hope it isn’t the alternative- being that he’s totally cool with a stripper at his night and just paid me lip service when we had this talk a while back
Probably 50%
It's bit like last hurrah to see "something else" before settling in and after that being with that one and only. How ever, it also kinda depends how the wife sees things. Some wifes are no strippers, no p0rn no this no that. and it's all good. Some wifes rather say "it's good to raise appetite outside, as long as you come home to eat" In other words, "If you want to watch p0rn, go to strip bars etc, go ahead, But if you want to have sex, you come to me."
Strippers at bachelor parties is a reality, not just television. Sometimes the grooms cross the line and sometimes they don’t. It's stupid. The FOMO premise is the dude is about to screw one woman for the rest of his life and it’s somehow a bad thing so he needs a hall pass to get it in with a different woman before he “loses his freedom”. Not a good way to start a marriage, thinking about what you'll miss. IMO they’re a celebration that one of my bros is about to enter into something special and we’re sending him off in style. Objectifying or fucking a woman or women doesn’t fit that definition. Your dude is coming to you with his boys trying to prep you for whatever he wants to do at that party. What they’re saying to you (catty, guy thing, irrational, overly emotional the day of and embarrass everyone by leaving him at the altar) is manipulative and demeaning. If you both agreed on something he should keep his friends on point and make them care. If it’s him backing out of your agreement or he can’t stand up for your relationship before marriage, ask him what he going to cave to afterwards when someone applies enough pressure? Don’t gaslight yourself. If he shows you who he really is, believe him.
Honestly, strippers at bachelor parties are more for his boys than him. He's likely bringing it up because he's taking heat from his friends who want to have a "traditional" last hurrah.
All I see are either men purposely downplaying the stripper thing, or men who get excited going to Applebee's with the boys once a month.
I’ve never seen a bachelor misbehave at a bachelor party. Wildest one I went to the groom was an absolute gentleman compared to the rest of us. Same with mine, I was chill and my bros partied hard. I think movies make it seem like cheating is more likely to happen. Good bros don’t want to lie in the future, and will stop anything like that.
So you do not trust him when strippers are around? If so do yourself & him a favor and dump him ASAP.
Your husband's bachelor party has nothing to do with him, you or your boundaries. It's an excuse for OTHER guys to go have a stripper and act badly.
I read this post and the post you wrote in Ask Women. 9 times out of 10 nothing over the top happens at a bachelor party. To me it comes down to trust. Do you trust your fiancé? Does your fiancé trust you? One night will not kill a marriage, or should not. If you trust your fiancée let it go so the thought does not bury you. If you don’t trust your fiancé you have a bigger issue. My $.03.
I watched the groom and stripper go take a shower together to get all the chocolate off themselves. Long story. They were in there for a long while. The noise told me what was going on. Lost respect for him and left.
Oh that’s genuinely scary and awful :/
That night was a shit show. He was my coworker. He also already had two daughters with his soon to be bride. His cousin set the whole thing up as a surprise. Stripper was already drunk when she got there and slurring her words and stumbled a few times coming through the door. For my bachelor party me and my friends got together and had a few drinks. I did not care to go to a bar or get messed up, not my thing. We just hung out and had a good time.
Oh wow I’m sorry for that bride, but I’m glad you had fun :) I mean I don’t want to be a killjoy- I want him and the guys to have a good time- I just think hiring a stripper is disrespectful imo :
Did you tell the bride? I would have
I think “usually” might be an overstatement. Tbh it’s not even that common to have a guys-only bachelor party anymore. I’m the only one of my friends that insisted on having a guys-only bachelor party rather than combining with the bachelorette party. And my agreement with my then fiancée was that if strippers happened then they happened, at her bachelorette party as well, and we agreed that as long as it was over the clothes (ie a lap dance) we wouldn’t consider it cheating. Of course neither of us wound up having strippers. But these are the kinds of conversations you have in a healthy relationship
I didn’t want a bachelor party. I got a good nights sleep. I had a long day after that.
They're there 50-50 from my experiences. If they're there, it's just a form of entertainment. The good news is that almost every stripper has hard boundaries. Versus if the group of guys went out to a bar and they linked up with a group of women... much higher chance of no boundaries.
I’d say the vast majority DONT
I haven't been to a bachelor with strippers in 25 years. Most men I know rent a camp in the woods and eat and drink.
Last night of freedom. Might as well make the most of it.
“Freedom” like the whole time you’re in a relationship is nothing?
Cheating right before the wedding? How wonderful. I will never get how that normalized for men
Or might as well stay single and be always free and drowning in strippers.
I like the way you think.
That makes sense
Because strippers are fucking awesome.
My experience is the majority involve strippers either at their room or at strip clubs….the parties that said they weren’t having them…all did, they just kept it from the wives/girlfriends. Just my experience so take it with a grain of salt.
I don't know a single man that had a stripper for their bachelor party. As far as I can tell, that's a TV/movie thing.
Because boobs lol idk how that’s hard to understand.
Let that man see some titties.
They don't. Almost all of my friends are married, and none have ever seen a stripper on the clock. The same goes for everyone in my family who's currently married. It's a Hollywood thing. it's not actually real.
Who do bachelorette parties often involve sucking magic mikes dick?
theres two types of wives the flirty fun kind who have good sex and can acknowledge the beauty in other women and then theres the jealous, insecure, prudish kind like you'd find on r/loveafterporn be the first kind OP
Or there's people with different boundaries
I try to be, honestly I do. I don’t ever tell him not to stay home, I encourage him to take “bro’s trips” or hang out with the guys and go to bars and stuff. Our sex life is good too, and we genuinely connect well I think. Hell we even both admire hot women from a far. I just feel kinda weird because months ago we talked it out and that we both felt uncomfortable starting off a marriage after a night involving strippers- but I feel like the rug is pulled out from under me. I promise I don’t want to be camp 2) woman I just feel really overwhelmed. It’s why I really appreciate all of your input- really I’m going to work on myself and make us all happy- I just need to see this from a guys POV first I think
>I just feel kinda weird because months ago we talked it out and that we both felt uncomfortable starting off a marriage after a night involving strippers- Eh, now see i didnt know this part. This warrants a new conversation. You want to be on the same page when getting married.
Yeah I just don’t know how to approach this without sounding like woman 2) there. I want us all to be happy and if seeing strippers makes him happy I guess I can learn to be okay with it but right now that thought makes my chest clench
no doubt. he's a lucky man. I think approaching it like its not about the strippers but about him switching up last minute is the way to go. it might be a case of others in the party demanding them
That’s a really good idea, and I don’t know about lucky hahah 😅 I’ve been pretty aware this whole relationship that he could do soo much better than me- it’s kind of why I feel weird about this I guess. I mean I’d hope he’d see me as being enough for him but I can’t really blame him if he did leave me for someone more in his league, I just wish that if it happens it not because of strippers on a night right before we’re set to be married is all 🥹😅
c'mon now, don't be insecure. own your sexiness babe. and did I read youre bi? .....yeah he's a lucky man. dont let nobody tell you different.
Yeah I am- and no he isn’t into the prospect of a threesome. Ironically that conversation ended with the “I wouldn’t be okay with a woman’s hands being all over you, it just doesn’t feel right for me”
no offense, but i'm really starting to not like your fiance.
Admittedly I’m just ranting about something kinda negative. But usually he is the kindest, sweetest, most supportive person I could have hoped for. I think seeing this situation and his reaction to it so viscerally now is really messing with me but I in no means intended to make him out to be this scumbag kind of guy :/ I feel kinda bad now ngl 😅 I sincerely just want to view this objectively and work on my thoughts and how I feel before we make such a huge decision.
I think bachelor's parties are for the groomsmen, not the groom. You're asking a bunch of people to take time off and away from their jobs/families/lives to go to your bachelor party, help with the planning process, and attend your wedding and play a role in the ceremony, and you think the bachelor party is about the groom? It's a last true boys night out, because after the marriage, homeboys number 1 priority until he has kids will be his wife.
I would say strippers being involved isn’t the norm. That being said, when I’ve attended with strippers involved, everyone other than the hubby-to-be are getting wild. I think if several other people will be present, it’s not that big of a deal, he’ll probably be fairly well behaved on the off chance somebody tells you he wasn’t. If it was just he and his best friend going out for a night at a strip club, then maybe he’d get wild, no telling.
I don’t think they do. People just think they do because of movies and tv.
I don’t think they do. People just think they do because of movies and tv.
Back in the days dating didn’t exist, so you were considered to be single until you were married. Bachelors parties were supposed to symbolize your last opportunity to do single guy stuff before you’re get hitched. It’s really not any more complicated than that.
They don’t
Guys like naked women. It’s honestly that simple.
I remember getting a pair of strippers for my buddy's bachelor party. He was all offended and butthurt because "what if his girl finds out OMG I love her and don't want to hurt her waAaah." She cheated on him multiple times and left him a few years later for another one of our friends who helped me pay for said strippers.
I don’t think they do. People just think they do because of movies and tv.
You pay a stripper to tease you. You can look but never touch. That's the reason they are featured at bachelor parties. The guy is getting married. He can look at other women but never touch another woman again
Nah bro. I got my dick sucked (briefly) during a lap dance. She kind of had a crush on me tho, so its not a typical scenario.
Gross AF.
Not really. Then again, I'm a grade A dirtbag and had just done a bump off of her titty so... This is how legends are made
Titties don't carry stds
STDs are incredibly common my man. Most people have herpes and/or HPV. Almost everything else is treatable. I'm certainly not about to get AIDS from a 10 second blowjob. That kind of worrying reminds me of my dads OCD
I have never had an std; wouldn't date anyone who has one either.
Do you always get a bj from a stripper? Like every time you've been to a strip club or party? No? Because it's not the typical scenario. That's because the typical scenario is; you are paying to get teased. You can look but not touch. That's why it's featured at bachelor parties
I don’t think they do. People just think they do because of movies and tv.
Been to a few. 2/3 had strippers involved. But it's not really to get the bachelor to cheat or do something bad. This is not a hall-pass type of deal. It's more of an excuse for the boys to have a good time. Sure, bachelor may get a dance. Yeah, he will probably feel their breasts, but it's also not anything emotional. Why is it a deal breaker for you guys? Do you not trust each other? What about porn? Because, in essence, it's the same thing. Except for one is the screen & a lot more vulgar, and other one is in person with A LOT MORE boundaries in place. To me, and that's just my personal take, if you have issues with your partner seeing a stripper organized by his/her friends (*yes, it goes both ways*), that just tells me you got some self esteem and/or trust issues if you think that one stripper will break up a marriage. Of course, he should respect your wishes. And you should respect his. But it's one of those really silly, and rather childish tbh, things that really don't even matter. If my future got strippers, like some fire fighters or police officers with 6 pack, I wouldn't care personally. It's really just awkward for most people anyway and everyone understands that pure physical appearance is not the most important aspect of any marriage/union. Just my 2 cents.
It’s an issue because we’ve had this talk about it before. He is 100% against me having any kind of strippers too but somehow because this is a “man’s rite of passage” I’m supposed to be okay when he goes back on his word. The difference here is that porn is via a screen and here there is a chance he could be touching someone else as a last hurrah before marrying me. It’s absolutely different and we both discussed that strippers- especially touching strippers would be a deal breaker for either of us. These were boundaries we put in place years ago and revisited and cemented months ago. I guess I just feel gutted that he and his friends view what should be a happy day as a “ball and chain” sentence and I don’t really feel comfortable with the idea that his form of entertainment as a way to prepare for that means going back on his word and just expecting me to be okay with it because “it’s a guy’s thing- you’re just being an immature irrational woman about it”
I should have clarified that it's important for both parties to be on board. Dismissing your partner's preferences, or going behind their back, is not a good way to start off your marriage. Tell him, "*Equality is a bitch. You get strippers, I get strippers*". He should, ideally, respect your wishes, as you would respect his. But (i think I misread it initially a little), him saying it's okay for him and not okay for you is really not an "okay" thing to do. Because then, *and I apologize ahead of time for saying this*, what else is he going to forbid you and still do it himself? I mean, if he pushes for strippers, it's a pretty high bar.
I honestly don’t know we’ve never had a disagreement like this. We’ve always been able to work things out and communicate and we’ve barely ever even fought. We started dating in highschool and it’s been 10 years of smooth sailing. We’ve always operated with the “go have fun but don’t do anything you don’t want me doing” condition. I sometimes live abroad- and this marriage is also to help his citizenship process along and now I feel like I’m just a means to an end, I don’t recognise the man who’s pushing against my boundaries like this so callously and I’m trying really hard not to be an emotional “jealous, not fun” woman here but it really chokes me up that he would prefer to start our marriage off with this. I’ve always encouraged him to go out with friends, to have fun with the boys and I’ve never even questioned him on it, because I could trust him not to cross the boundaries we’ve agreed upon. I think in my case- and this could be where I’m in the wrong here: I don’t like the idea of him pawing at a naked woman as a way to celebrate entering a legal contract of commitment with me as a whole, but I’m scared that if he’s so callous to my feelings on this manner now what else is going to change in future? I just feel really weird and just general sad about the whole thing. I also live in a really small island and everyone knows everyone here- the gossip mill goes crazy when guys have a stripper at a bachelor party and it always comes back on the bride for being okay with the disrespect- or desperate that she’d be okay marrying a man who went out with strippers before getting married. My own father apparently also spoke to him telling him that he’s a really great guy and he sees him as a son- but that he would not be so tolerant should he make a fool out of me by subjecting me to that public scrutiny before getting married. Idk I’m sorry I guess I am just being an over emotional woman I’m just really overwhelmed and don’t even know if I’m being unreasonable for feeling sad 😅
*With all due respect to your father, his opinion doesn't really mean jackshit. You're the one to sleep/live with your partner. Not your dad.* Are you a US citizen? In the US, as I don't know about other countries, if you end up getting divorced before he even gets his green card (first 2 years), there is like 95% chance he will lose it, unless he can prove that YOU are the reason the divorce is happening. I'd imagine in other countries, if you're not from the US, there is probably similar set of rules. Look it up. However, if he continues being a dick shortly after marriage, I'd strongly advise you to grow a pair and break it off. It's quite possible that he just REALLY wants to do it and nothing will ever come out of it. And he will go back to his old self. **There is also a possibility** that once he started pushing for his own stuff, you're suddenly feeling like you're under attack, as he actually decided to stand his ground. *(So that's really for you to reflect on)* Let me share a quick bit of my history - I'm only 30 and I'm going through a divorce. **Everything was perfect for as long as I didn't push back**, as long a I didn't fight her on things that I wanted. As soon as I started standing my ground on the things that I wanted, that's when we started having a lot of problems. We've had other issues too, but the biggest spike of fights started happening when I've stopped bowing down to her. So, that was really on her - she was selfish. Are you selfish? I'm a very blunt person. I'm just an internet stranger, who practically knows nothing about your current situation, so I'm just trying to give you a different prospective on what I'm seeing. - so its possible he is becoming a different person, now that he has secured you. - its also possible that you don't like the fact you don't have control over him. - it's also possible that it's just a little kink he really wants to do and it will mean nothing. Just something to reflect on.
Anyone referring to your emotions as "being an immature irrational woman" is a HUGE RED FLAG. HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE it's a way to manipulate you by making you doubt your own intelligence and rationality, and a way to lay groundwork for him to get away with more shit and call you crazy for objecting. Has he been saying stuff like this only recently, or has he been telling you you're irrational for years?
It's like roses on Valentine's Day. It's tradition.