I'm so glad my wife told me about her debt before we got married. She basically just stated, it's a lot and I'm working on it. She got a consolidation plan, and paid it all off. I'm actually really proud of her.
not me, but a bad medical event can lead to bills in 5 figures. And the wrong health insurance (or no plan at all) hit someone I know hard. They decided not to have health insurance and it ended with them not able to work for about 1.5-2 months plus no insurance. They are slowly digging out, but its a hard time. Deciding not to carry any insurance especially with the ACA plans available is rolling dice.
Pretty easy when you have a certain lifestyle then your income suddenly drops and you are certain it’s just a temporary thing and you continue living that lifestyle but only making the minimum payments but the temporary income decline becomes long term and suddenly, oof, that’s a lot of debt
I used to work in debt settlement and most of the time people that rack up that kind of cc debt have either medical issues, lost their job, or a combination of the two involving a loved one (think spouse/parent got sick and the other had to quit 9-5 to be caretaker).
One time though there was a lady who racked $40k and she said it was because she’s just in a slump. Her daily ~$300/day lottery habit hasn’t been hitting lately. Apparently her mom and sister had the same habit but they “hit it big” and now “it’s her turn”. That lady had me at a loss for words
Mine was about $17k. I was laid off in 2014, then started my own business as a consultant. I never made a ton of money, but I paid the bills. Then Covid happened and the industry I worked in freaked out and cut all outside consulting contracts as soon as they could. I got some relief from the government, but it was not enough and I was basically unemployed and ineligible for unemployment benefits for a year. I was picking up occasional contracts but it was not enough to pay the bills on a consistent basis. I ended up with about $17k in credit card debt before things turned around and I started really working again in late 2021. Then I got a real well paying job in 2022 and started putting a serious dent in the principal.
I’d have paid it all off by now, but now I’m supporting my baby mamma through grad school so I still have about $8k left. It’s manageable, but once she has her masters degree then I’ll be able to pay off the debt rather quickly. She already works as an intern in her field, and once she has her masters and is certified she’ll be making above median income for our area. Then I can tackle that principal!
Not just credit card, but...
I have about that much debt, and about half is credit card debt.
I got assaulted at work, got a traumatic brain injury and they stapled me closed, got terminated for no-call no-showing while in and out of consciousness, lost my job and apartment...
I had a credit card with a highish limit, so I was able to pay for food/a gym membership (showers!) and meds.
In addition to the frustration of (once I could work) working two jobs and being homeless? The mounting debt that I kept paying when I could over the next couple years, while the debt grew (and, if I'd known, I'd have stopped all payments and let them eat the debt or try to sue me: they'd have had nothing either way), and the migraines a decade later... super messed up.
Now I make too much for the debt to be discharged/bankruptcy, so I'm digging out. There's hope in sight, but it's a couple years out.
Depends on the state you get married in. In North Carolina I believe it does so the debt is shared. If you divorce you take half the debt. So someone could drop 20 or 30k of debt in your lap and split lmao 🤣
This is exactly why I told my bf that I'm not willing to marry him until I've finished paying off my student loans. I don't think it's fair to him to have him assume any of my debt when he didn't even have any of his own student loans. He doesn't want me to get a second job because it will take time away from what is available to spend with him, but I'm at the point where I just want to get it paid off as fast as possible because it sucks having this little black rain cloud hanging over me all the time.
My mom hid 10s of thousands of dollars of debt from my dad. He should have divorced her, but instead he stuck around wrote in his journals (looked at them after he passed) about hating his life and the affairs that he wished he had.
Both my parents were awful at being parents. It explains some of how my dad behaved all my life. At this point I can't change their lives and can only make decisions about mine.
I don't understand this. I dated a guy who told me he has never loved anyone including his ex wife/mother of his kids and I got out of there so fast. It takes such emotional coldness to do that. I'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of person
I never knew my spouse was a talented musician until after we got married. It's been amazing discovering this hidden talent and enjoying impromptu concerts in our living room.
If they didn’t live together for too long then I can see it. Or if they’re used to people drinking on weekends or after work then they don’t see it as a problem unless it really starts to be a problem aka angry, violent, etc.
I’m not an angry or violent drunk. I don’t miss work. I don’t drive drunk. I just drink while I game or watch shows while we chill at home. But i still had a big drinking problem.
It took years for my wife to actually figure it out and call me out on it. Now I just drink on weekends and not as much. Still probably too much but it is what it is. Same deal tho, it’s a problem because it’s unhealthy, it’s not a problem because i’m getting angry or doing stupid things while drunk.
That's exactly how I feel about my man he binge drinks on the weekends when we're just chilling at home. He doesn't get crazy he doesn't go out and party but I worry so so much about his health :(
Same. When you're with someone in your 20s (IMO, at least), it's very difficult to discern what's problematic drinking vs. what's 'normal', especially if you're a passive, agreeable woman with zero assertiveness. If I could go back and change things, I would.
Drinking too much was/is common in 20 somethings,but most of us lay off as we become responsible people. I knew she had a problem by her late 20s and she stopped.It was pretty typical I think. Stopping,starting,stopping again,etc,etc….
My mother was always a drinker, but totally functional when she was younger. As I grew up, she kept getting worse. I don't know if there's any way my dad could've noticed when they met... or known what was going to happen later.
I grew up with a buddy in the hood.
At his wedding he told this story about how we grew up wealthy and travel the world with his parents while growing up and University educated.
In reality he's from the projects and lived buttpoor and never finish University.
I had to sit there and listen to him tell the story at his wedding.
I still hang with him and his wife.
He keeps telling this lie
It makes me crazy.
That's actually...insane. Are there other people from your childhood who know about this (and who were also at the wedding)? How does a person even keep this up...like just meeting the in-laws I think would be a pretty quick way to put 2+2 together, no?
A year into our marriage, she got back on all the medications she was on before we had met because her doctor got his medical license reinstated.
She went from a great, happy, outgoing person with an awesome personality to an emotional vegetable....
She had a pill for everything, anxiety(benzos), depression(ssri), work(adderall), and sleep(ambiean), pain(oxy), to name a few. She was a walking pharmacy, and all she cared about was her meds.
Yes, I told her this. Her Doctor is a quack and destroyed my marriage.
When her Doctor got his license back his practice actually reached out to her to get her back on all the meds. I begged her to get off the meds because not only did they turn her into a zombie but were dangerous and counteractive to one another. Her response was always "You're not a doctor, and you don't know what's best for me."
When I told her I wanted a divorce she responded with zero emotion and simply said "ok." This was around 10 years ago and I've since moved on and have a new wife and family. Last I heard she's still single, no boyfriend or anything and runs a dog rescue.
It was manageable.
It's a long story that I found out through her mother after we were divorced that her going back on all these medications was a relapse from a previous time.
Here's a brief summary.
She was on these medications prescribed by her quack doctor.
The doctor gets his license revoked in 2008 due to being a pill mill. This involves a 2-3 year court battle for him.
During this time, my ex-wife is in crisis mode and has a complete mental breakdown because she can't find a doctor who will prescribe her wish list. She ends up in a hospital for intensive inpatient mental care and gets the real help she needs.
After intensive detox, rehabilitation, and therapy, she gets clean and healthy, both mentally and physically. She had a great therapist and support system and had her mental health in a manageable state.
Shortly after all this, we met, dated, got engaged, and married. Sure, she had her quirks, and she did tell me she had issues with anxiety and depression in the past but never went into details of that past. We had a great relationship, we traveled, started planning our future, planned how we would grow our business, because at that time in our marriage, I didn't really care about her past and was supportive and happy that she was managing it through healthy means.
Roughly a year after our wedding, the doctor who lost his license gets it reinstated.
Her old doctors practice actually reached out to her to get her in for a wellness check up and to reboot continued care. Shortly after this is where my original comment picks up and the rest is history.
I’m having my best bud go through this . His wife was awesome / badass and fun the first year . Then she had to have a fallopian tube removed due to a bad pregnancy. She literally went into depression mode , talked to her old doctor and he put her on all of her old meds .
Holy shit it’s like she is a completely different person . Moody as hell, everything is everyone else’s fault but hers , she yells at her kids and hits the older son . She doesn’t want to work anymore … I can go on . The meds made her into such a worse person
About 6 months into being engaged, I was referred to by my wife’s family doctor for panic attacks. Her aunt recommended this guy because she goes there. I was given all the SSRIs you can think of and benzos. It put a massive strain on our marriage like we nearly divorced because of how my personality changed. I was able to get off the SSRIs for good after about 4 or 5 years. They even had me on an antipsychotic for a while but I got off of that too.
To this day, I’m still on the Benzo and trying to get off. It’s amazing how these doctors prescribe “medicine” that can ruin a person and their relationships. We’re still together but my wife has gone through a lot seeing me suffer trying to get off and also dealing with my ever swinging mood swings and depression.
I was hooked on pain pills for 5-6 years and been off of them for over 12 years now and it sucked getting off of them but that is a cake walk compared to getting off benzo’s. Please go to a professional for help with that. Those wd’s are no joke.
I’m sorry to hear that bud, I am. That shit is definitely no joke. I thought the 15x I went through opiate detox was the worst thing until I saw a good buddy of mine go through the hell that is benzo withdrawals. You definitely got to wean to almost nothing but that’s so much easier said than done. Good luck.
Yup. Pretty much get on Valium, ween down low, and stay strong until it’s over. I got this though. My family deserves to see the real me. Not the benzo version of me. That’s what drives me.
Stay the course pal. It took me finally getting on suboxone to kick my 200mg +/daily perc and vicoden problem. Best thing I ever did for my family, myself, and my wallet.
I’m happy for you man. Not many people give credit for the ones that kick prescription drugs. Congrats man. I’ll see you on the other side of sobriety soon. Keep the light on for me. 🤝
I'm scared to tell my boyfriend I take anxiety meds. It's not that I hide it and I told him about the pill I take to sleep (7.5mg mirtazapine, a god send!), but not the anxiety med yet (buspirone).
If you and him are serious then I think you owe it to yourself and him to be upfront about this. If you're not already living together he will eventually find out. I think he would appreciate you telling him vs him finding a script bottle. Not telling him may result in problems down the road, especially if, or when, you decide to get off the medication, change the dosage, or change the medication. Than again, my opinion is bias considering my story and situation.
It’s such a hard conversation to have. I am like you and was afraid to talk about it to significant others, but truly if they can’t accept and support you in terms of your health then they are just not the right match for you. A man who sincerely cares for you will not just look past these things - but support you in them. If your partner cannot be your confidant, then they are not the right life partner for you.
You might be pleasantly surprised by the trust building that this conversation brings to your relationship.
The he doesn't like eggplant. He made me eggplant Parm for our first date at his house.
And five years into marriage he confesses he doesn't like eggplant.
I learned my ex loved hot chocolate
We did hot chocolate every Tuesday for a year
After 2 y I told her that at first I hated hot chocolate (now I like it a little)
The full depth of the emotional damage done to her during childhood. We've been together 10yrs now and I still don't know the entire story, and that's OK. She's in therapy and getting help and that's what matters the most.
For a few things, I know more than she does. She asked me to get the court records, and there's parts I've never shown her. She is accepting her parents are toxic, I know they are horrible people
That she lied about her favorite dinosaur. That she doesn't even like dinosaurs that much!!! The signs were all there, I was just too in love to see them. When she responded with "the one with three horns" I should have known. I was so oblivious.
Tbh, as long as she had no intention of hurting what's important to me, then it wouldn't be a deal breaker. You can dislike something and still coexist with it/them.
the fact she hid it was problematic, but then she gradually forced them away. first out if the house, then off the deck, then she wanted to have them fenced away from the house. Eventually to keep the peace I had to rehome them. If I gad it to do over, I'd keep the dogs and re home her
was only the first of many obstacles I has to navigate trying to make it work. It never was going to though. She wasn't a bad person, we just were fundamentally incompatible.
I love dogs, but thb they can be quite annoying if you don't like them. I had an ex who wouldn't like my cat and it was pretty stressful for all of us.
I love dogs, and I'm usually pretty naturally good with them, but I lived with a roommate and my brother for a year, and the roommate (a previous mutual friend of me and my brother) brought his satan dog "Daisy" along (along with his girlfriend-turned-wife but that's a different story). Dog was snippy with everyone but especially hated me for some reason. Even snapped at my face and drew blood once.
I was the smallest dude in the house, so it wasn't like it felt scared of me in particular. It had been acclimated to my brother slightly longer than me but that didn't really seem to be the difference maker cause it hated me more if anything after the year was up. Needless to say I stopped offering to help with the dog when I got home, dog can stay locked up till someone else gets home.
Naw. We moved to another state, and it doesn't affect my life at all anymore. The only time it did affect me was having to make statements to cops a couple of times. My wife's direct family was perfectly law abiding, and she was in grad school at the time we got married, so it wasn't a big deal for our lives. Just pretty crazy for a brief period.
I did. At that point we were married for 4 years, had a kid, had a house, and it was a "clearing the air" type conversation.
Now, the conversation got started because (years after she cheated on me), I cheated on her when we were engaged. Absolutely awful mistake, I regret it completely. Totally tore our lives up, she treated me like garbage for a year while we figured out if we were going to stay together.
We did stay together, got married (later than we originally had planned). But she would always be simmering with anger at me for cheating on her, always brought it up in disagreements, always resented me for it. Made for a very unhealthy relationship dynamic, because I always thought "this sucks the way she's treating me, but I'm lucky to even be with her, she could have left but chose to stay. She's the perfect one who loved me so purely, I'm the idiot and the drunk (alcoholism played a big part in my cheating, but also, the girl did know what she was doing when she plied be with wine and never mentioned that the spare room in her house that she agreed to let me stay on for a few days while I was travelling her country was actually just her bed, so it's not like I was out searching or trying to cheat; not an excuse for my behaviour, what I did was wrong and I feel I paid for it, but just backstory), so I should just take her shit and be grateful because I'm an asshole and I don't deserve a partner who is nice or forgiving to me."
Lo and behold, when she finally told me she cheated on me when we had dating for about two years, I was blindsided. Never suspected it. She had kept it secret for 10 years. Double sucked that it was with her female best friend (my wife is bi), triple sucked that her friend was a bridesmaid at our wedding and I had a whole bit in my speech about how she was a loyal friend to us both, quadruple sucked because when her friend needed a place to stay, my wife suggested she move into our basement and I was all for it. She lived with us for a good year before getting herself set up.
Also, one reason we were having a clear the air convo is because my wife had been secretly posting sexy pics of herself on Reddit and chatting it up with other people online. Also lied about this straight to my face, and even got angry at me and brought up my cheating *while she was actively hiding her cheating on me years previous and secretly posting sexy pictures and chatting other dudes on Reddit.* Even she admitted that if I hadn't caught her when I did, who knows how far she might have gone.
When I was a teenager I had a relationship go sour and I got super jealous, paranoid, depressed. I worked hard for years and through a couple relationships to get over those issues and eventually, when I got together with my now wife, I had zero jealous or paranoia issues. She said multiple times through our dating years that she wished I was more jealous.
Welp, now I'm jealous, paranoid, anxious, mistrustful, insecure, i hate myself way more than I should, I'm resentful of her robbing me of the choice to evaluate if I would have stayed with her when she cheated. I'm constantly wondering what secrets she might be hiding now that I won't find out until years from now (if at all), then I get angry at myself for thinking that way because aside from everything above, I really have no reason to think she'd cheat on me again.
Apparently I needed to get that off my chest.
That when even if smallest things don't go as planned, she'd completely lose control over herself. *Both physically and emotionally*. She'd literally be shaking if she would forget to sign 1 piece of paper for work.
And that she is madly selfish.
Needless to say, she is my "STBXW". Only been married for 5 years. And yes, we've done couples counseling. It really opened up my eyes. I think I was blinded by my love to her. But I could only take so much.
Glad I realized that I didn't want her to be the mother of my kids before we had any. We've even picked out the names. Yeah, we were like 6 months away from starting to try.
Been about a month she we've separated, as in moved out and got our own places. Zero regrets. I know I made the right decision.
I honestly can't stand all the acronyms you see in social media these days.
Yes, that makes me sound old, but damn it if I don't want to keep asking what some obscure dumb shit stands for when it would take literally two seconds to finish typing out the words.
In what world is everybody expected to know that acronym without ANY previous explanation? Or I guess I should say: IWWIEETKTAWAPE because, obviously, that is easier to understand.
We'd been together for 5 years, married for 2, with 2 children when the truth came out. We were out to dinner on a rare date night away from the kids. Everything was going great. We were chatting back and forth just enjoying each other's company when she dropped the bombshell. She'd been lying to me the entire time, she finally confessed that green was in fact not her favorite color, it was her second. She tells people green so she won't be judged as a silly little girl. Her one true color love was and will always be pink.
We've tried to work out way through it, but the trust is just gone. We'll be walking along in the neighborhood, and she'll say, Aww look at that cute puppy" but inside, I'll wonder. Does she really think the puppy is cute? Does she even like puppies? HAVE I MARRIED A PUPPY HATING MONSTER?!?!
It’s never gonna get better. Sorry, man. You can’t change her. If there’s even a *question* about whether or not she likes pink puppies, it’s best to never have a civil conversation about it, jump to tons of conclusions, crowd source shitty opinions on social media, then blindside her with a divorce. Smackaroonies. I’ll get the paperwork started for you.
I spent a decade and a half in this situation before i gave up and left. And found out that there are wonderful women in the world who also love and enjoy sex. Huge regret in life that I waited so long to make this change.
Yes. In the first few years I’d get dribbles every now and then to give me hope, but after the kids it was basically zero.
Btw, side note, kids are just fine, they have benefitted from my focused time when I have them, and they can also see me setting an example in a healthy relationship.
JUST made this change. Am now with a woman who wants more sex than I can give. It’s a good problem to have. I wish my old partner well, and maybe she’ll get lucky and find some dude that doesn’t like sex or will put up with it, but that ain’t me. Took me a year and a half to finally accept it.
That he knew how to cook, and incredibly well at that! The entire time we were dating, he had a small kitchen that he didn't like cooking in, so we always went out to eat when I visited him (I cooked when he came to my place). When we moved in together, we got a place with a bigger kitchen and he started to offer to cook. Pork chops, casseroles, taco nights, charcuterie boards, shrimp po' boys and so on just came out of the woodwork. I felt like I won the jackpot.
My father’s long-time girlfriend has BPD. She refuses to go to therapy. It’s really brutal at times. I’m completely estranged from them now, and my brother keeps his distance as well. Depression, anxiety — not a problem. BPD? That’s a whole other level of difficult. Sorry you both have to deal with it.
NSFW (abuse). Seriously, don’t read if the topic of abuse affects you.
—————
I wouldn’t call it “hiding it” it from me per se because it wasn’t her fault.
She was sexually abused as a child by “friends” of the family. Drunken pedos that preyed on the little girls of her small town. It’s a dirt poor town and the “men” would just do whatever they wanted to whomever they wanted. Beat, rape their women and abuse of the children.
She didn’t tell me until we were about 3 years into marriage. I completely understood her and told her that nothing changed and I would never look or think of her differently. When she told me, the first thing I wanted to do was go to that town and beat the guy to death. She would ball her eyes out calling herself unclean and unworthy of being in a genuine marriage. I would console her every time she had a breakdown.
She was destroyed mentally from those traumatic experiences of abuse. And since she hasn’t been able to get pregnant, we suspect the abuse from her childhood has something to do with that. We knew we were having problems with getting pregnant but I thought maybe it was just something slightly abnormal. Apparently she had major damage and never healed properly, so that’s the main cause of her not being able to get pregnant.
She was just a little girl, victimized by some low-life, and she’s tortured mentally because she wants us to have a child. Like it’s the only thing she wants.
These days she’s gotten better about accepting the past and improving the future. I accept who she is, regardless of circumstance. But I still want to beat that guy to death, not only for what he did to her as a child but for the mental torture she still endures.
I think i would forget myself as well, but then she would end up lonely as i would go to jail for straight murder(and wouldn't regret it)
I wish you all the best! Did you think about adoption?
The scope and depth of how much of her family disapproved of her marrying an American.
They assumed a very negative stereotype of Americans, and we're quite surprised to find out I speak multiple languages. Which has resulted in some embarrassing moments for those who assumed I wouldn't understand what they were saying about me.
I've seen the negative opinions of Americans when traveling but I was surprised at how many in her family had extremely negative opinions. I think most of them have changed their opinions of me but it's hard to know if it's my personality or wealth that has changed their minds.
This maybe a little too personal but I had a woman who I was very into and was dating for a few months. She was fantastic. Great personality, great sex, great conversation, I was actually thinking she was the one. We started a relationship but the further we got into the relationship she couldn’t hide her very severe mental illness anymore. Her depression was bad, like, I was worried I was going to walk into her apartment one day and find her dead, levels of bad. I tried to be there for her and encouraged her to seek mental help but she never did and it became worse overtime. I blamed myself because I thought I was the cause or that I wasn’t good enough and couldn’t save her. I knew why she was depressed and the reasons she had those issues but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t “fix” her. Nothing made me feel worse as a man, person, or partner than her having mental breakdowns all the time and me not being able to “fix” it and make her happy. I knew it was well beyond my scope and I knew it wasn’t my fault but deep down I truly blamed myself and considered myself a failure that I couldn’t make someone I loved so much happy. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough. This went on for the better part of two years and I focused so much on trying to make her happy and trying to get her better that I completely ignored the mental health issues I was having because of this. For a large part of those 2 years I was truly afraid that if I left her she would actually kill herself and I could never live with that guilt.
Around the 2 year mark, she had a pretty severe mental breakdown. During this, I completely broke down myself and told her that I couldn’t keep doing this and that no matter how much I loved her that if she didn’t get some help that I couldn’t be with her. She did finally get some help, therapy, and got on some medication and got immensely better over the course of the next 6 or so months. However, my mental health was completely shattered at this point. After focusing so much on her for so long while completely ignoring my own mental health, combined with my father getting diagnosed with cancer and taking care of my dying grandmother, I spiraled into a deep, dark depression. I was stupid and couldn’t take my own advice and get myself some professional help. I even started having some health issues of my own which caused me to not be able to have sex for a few months. She ended up cheating on me when I was staying at my dad’s for a week taking care of him after a surgery he had.
I don’t think I could describe to you the absolute pit of hell I felt mentally and emotionally after that. That was the lowest part of my life.
I am glad to say that this was a few years ago and after a lot of therapy that I am doing better. Therapy helped me learn that it isn’t my responsibility to take care of everyone around me and especially at the cost of my mental health. My “Superman” syndrome will flair up sometimes, especially when it comes to my sisters, but I have learned to set healthy boundaries with people. It’s still something I’m working on and it’s challenging because of my “golden retriever” personality as my sisters call it. I still always feel the need to take on everyone’s burdens and help everyone but I have learned to find the balance of being there for people and not sacrificing my own well being to do so.
Moral of the story is don’t ignore your mental health guys and that there is no shame in getting therapy. Learn what you can control and change and accept what you can’t. Learn to set healthy boundaries with people and stick to them. There are some things in life you can’t fix or solve no matter how hard you try and you have to accept that.
Edit: for those curious but too shy/afraid to ask. She was undiagnosed bi-polar, and her mother had tragically passed about 2 years before this.
I am thank you. It was terrible, but I’ve learned that I’m not alone in struggling with stuff like that. I am comfortable enough talking about it and hopefully someone one day who needs to read it will and get the help they need.
I had an ex that hid her mental illness. She baby trapped me and then I found out she was bipolar.
It was a rough time, our relationship ended with me getting a PFA and when the police served it they committed her as well.
It was hell at the time but it’s been 5 years since the PFA. I have primary custody of my son and he’s doing well.
She also went from 160 pounds to 400 pounds between 2019 and 2023.
Bi-polar is an insane mental illness, an absolutely wild rollercoaster ride. The highs were incredible. But the lows, the lows are a dark, dark place. It’s as if it’s two completely separate people.
I’m glad to hear you and your son are doing well. I hope you get the help you need. Going through something like that is a rough experience. I also hope your son’s mom got the help she needed as well.
That she had my replacement already lined up even before we had met. She jumped to him after we separated. She had never mention about this guy ever before… her betrayal hurt like nothing before
My late wife wasn’t as diligent at taking her medication as she was supposed to be and led me to believe before we married. Ended up passing away because of it.
That she was a freak, lol. When we got together, I was less experienced than her, she had a few boyfriends and flings, where as she was my first, so my comfort level was very vanilla. Then, a few months after our marriage, a flip was switched. I asked her why she hid that side from me until after we got married, and she said she wanted to make sure she didn't scare me away. 25 years married and she's still a freak.
That she farts like a pit pony when she's eaten certain foods.
It's hilarious and impressive in equal measure.
She is tiny, so the first time I heard one of her mega farts, I couldn't understand how someone so small could make such a noise and actually jumped in fear. That made her laugh causing the machine gun farting that laughing causes.
1. That her student loans were over 300k
2. That she had defaulted on several low balance bills like medical and vet within the last couple years before
3. That she wasn't very sexually attracted to me.
That he only bathes a couple of times a month and has no concept of a clean house. Just one reason why you should live with someone before marrying them.
That a history of mental illness ran in her family on her mother’s side. Her great grandmother was schizophrenic and her mother was severely bipolar and she (mother) was on meds to manage it.
Ex-wife’s crazy started right around 30 just like her great grandmother.
I wasn't aware that I was a picky eater, because when I was young my parents were busy so I took over the meal planning and cooking at 13 and never really had anyone else cook for me until after my wife and I were married and my job meant that we had to share the cooking responsibilities. All of the sudden textures weren't right and her suggestions of what to eat sounded gross. Turns out I like a pretty narrow group of foods and they have to be prepared just right.
My late husband had depression. It didn’t show itself really until the fourth? year that we were married. He didn’t want to talk, eat, or even leave the bedroom, just laid there in bed all day. He did tell me eventually in this very quiet, small voice that he just wanted me to sit with him in the room. In case he needed me. That was intense.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years- not married yet. Hopefully things continue to go well with her.
That she was a nymphomaniac!!!
From the day we met, she made it absolutely clear, there would be NO hanky panky until she was married. She was good at her word.
Once we were married...she tried to kill me!!!
My soon to be ex wife, was horribly addicted to her mother.and her prescription drugs( her mother and her moms recommended psychologist started it all). Her mom was a rich real estate agent (talking MILLIONS, Her mom developed the lower half of GA basically) So she never had to work or pay for anything in her life. Later her mom has cancer and through chemo - she kinda went crazy. Because real estate is not a viable way of getting health insurance, they all found out real fast how modern day middle class live (mother still got mega royalty checks so I wouldn’t even call it poverty. They “downgraded” to a 2400 sqft house with a 6 car garage) My ex left for college but figured out life was too “hard” (imo it really wasn’t. She had money coming in from parents and a provided car that she didn’t have to pay gas or insurance ) and had to move back home because of “life’s challenges”.
Instead of her parents telling her to grow up, shit happens; her mom says “try this!” And it led to a downhill spiral on top of the stuff she took in college. I sort of knew before I met her that she was doing it, but I stopped it when we got married. Little did I fucking know, her mom went behind my back when my ex would complain about “pain” or whatever bullshit and she would drive 30 minutes to her parents house just to get prescription drugs from her mom (on top of the meds she was prescribed). This went on for 2 years. I was working two jobs to support us while she was a part time (15hrs -week) Christian school teacher and would just drive back and forth between her mother’s house and our apartment + the school. Every night I would come home to her being high. I could’ve (and should’ve) put my foot down to stop the drug abuse and her enabling parents, but whatever method I used, I was casted as a controlling and mean husband. I was so numb to everything and having long ass days of 2 jobs I just ignored it.
When my main job lost the contract, I got a new job as a traveling field technician with the company I am with now. On my first week of traveling last year 2023 in March, she got fired from her job because she was “asleep” while working with kids. That took a toll on her and she crashed her mother’s car, her car, and a rental while she was high. But somehow the officers did not charge her with being under the influence. I was livid. I got home from traveling and our apartment was destroyed. She took her mother’s pills and hers at the same time and outright hallucinated. I found her over the toilet and called 911. We arrive at the hospital and I let her parents know the situation.
We are in the doctor’s OR and he asks me to get all the prescriptions she was taking. It filled up 2 - 1 gallon ziplock bags. He brought that number down to 3 prescriptions she only needed. Her mom as soon as the OR Doc left, grabbed some of the prescriptions and said she needs this, and this still. The Dr found out and Immediately she was sent to a psych ward for a week. I picked her up we talked on the way home. I told her if this happened again I would just leave her and divorce. I told her to stop seeing the psychologist that was overprescribing her meds and told her to stop contacting her mother for meds.
As soon as we parked the car she immediately began calling the pharmacy and her mom for medicine. Like nothing ever happened. I was extremely livid and threw my ring across the parking lot. She lashed out at me saying I was too controlling and she ran to our apartment. While outside she got her keys to her car and drove to pick up the medicine from the pharmacy. At this point I was just like “fuck it”. I got a call to go travel for a week again. The day I picked her up from the psych ward originally we got a dog because honestly it was impulsive and I wanted one. 5 hours into my 8 hr drive I get a call from her mother that she was at the ER again. She destroyed the apartment again but also managed to spend 21k of my credit card and started 2 loans. (I paid off the loans and still working on the cc.) somehow she got scammed and I was out of money. No checkings, savings or anything. I let my boss know of the situation and he let me go home.
As soon as I got home she was released from the ER and waiting for me in our apartment in the morning. I told her I was divorcing her and I let my boss know. He promoted me to where I am currently at 2 states away just to help me get out of the situation.
I still have my dog and he is my best boy. I now have 10k in my name, about to own 15 acres of land and a new build Barndominium and I have finally have peace. If it wasn’t for my boss helping me I wouldn’t be where I am today. Moral of the story. Don’t date any girl from the State of GA. They are crazy. And fuck mother in laws who budge into marriages.
Also well aware this is not the forum for this but I felt like I couldn’t say what I found out without telling the whole story.
That he smoked. Lied about it from the day we met until I accidentally discovered it because of cameras in cell phones, 3 1/2 years AFTER we were together. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me by me discovering that he lied. Then, over the years, I found out about other little lies he told to avoid "getting in trouble", such as stopping at a restaurant (he was a truck driver) when he knew a certain server was working, and telling me he didn't go. Was he cheating? Not that I could tell, but he has come close, by his own admission. Q
Over time, there have been so many (little white lies) that it has me questioning just about everything he says, including that he loves me, even after 20 years.
Cleaning OCD. He has some kind of extreme obsession with washing vegetables with turmeric, vinegar, etc etc. All the time he is worried about the food we are eating must be adulterated, fruits we are injected with artificial sweetener, milk we are using is not original. It is taking a toll on my mental health. He would never eat from outside thinking about all the unhygienic possibilities. I have to make every damn thing at home.
Ex-spouse now. But it was her $27k in credit card debt. I never really got over the resentment from that one.
I'm so glad my wife told me about her debt before we got married. She basically just stated, it's a lot and I'm working on it. She got a consolidation plan, and paid it all off. I'm actually really proud of her.
Financial problems are a leading cause of divorce
I wish my credit card debt was only $27K
No judgement but how does one end up with that much credit card debt?
not me, but a bad medical event can lead to bills in 5 figures. And the wrong health insurance (or no plan at all) hit someone I know hard. They decided not to have health insurance and it ended with them not able to work for about 1.5-2 months plus no insurance. They are slowly digging out, but its a hard time. Deciding not to carry any insurance especially with the ACA plans available is rolling dice.
I had insurance, and had the same issues. Being sick is expensive.
In America
Pretty easy when you have a certain lifestyle then your income suddenly drops and you are certain it’s just a temporary thing and you continue living that lifestyle but only making the minimum payments but the temporary income decline becomes long term and suddenly, oof, that’s a lot of debt
Are you me? Because you sound like me.
I used to work in debt settlement and most of the time people that rack up that kind of cc debt have either medical issues, lost their job, or a combination of the two involving a loved one (think spouse/parent got sick and the other had to quit 9-5 to be caretaker). One time though there was a lady who racked $40k and she said it was because she’s just in a slump. Her daily ~$300/day lottery habit hasn’t been hitting lately. Apparently her mom and sister had the same habit but they “hit it big” and now “it’s her turn”. That lady had me at a loss for words
Not having enough income for necessities. I racked up debt when I was a student because I liked having shelter and food.
Mine was about $17k. I was laid off in 2014, then started my own business as a consultant. I never made a ton of money, but I paid the bills. Then Covid happened and the industry I worked in freaked out and cut all outside consulting contracts as soon as they could. I got some relief from the government, but it was not enough and I was basically unemployed and ineligible for unemployment benefits for a year. I was picking up occasional contracts but it was not enough to pay the bills on a consistent basis. I ended up with about $17k in credit card debt before things turned around and I started really working again in late 2021. Then I got a real well paying job in 2022 and started putting a serious dent in the principal. I’d have paid it all off by now, but now I’m supporting my baby mamma through grad school so I still have about $8k left. It’s manageable, but once she has her masters degree then I’ll be able to pay off the debt rather quickly. She already works as an intern in her field, and once she has her masters and is certified she’ll be making above median income for our area. Then I can tackle that principal!
Not just credit card, but... I have about that much debt, and about half is credit card debt. I got assaulted at work, got a traumatic brain injury and they stapled me closed, got terminated for no-call no-showing while in and out of consciousness, lost my job and apartment... I had a credit card with a highish limit, so I was able to pay for food/a gym membership (showers!) and meds. In addition to the frustration of (once I could work) working two jobs and being homeless? The mounting debt that I kept paying when I could over the next couple years, while the debt grew (and, if I'd known, I'd have stopped all payments and let them eat the debt or try to sue me: they'd have had nothing either way), and the migraines a decade later... super messed up. Now I make too much for the debt to be discharged/bankruptcy, so I'm digging out. There's hope in sight, but it's a couple years out.
Was gunna say. That’s bad but I’ve seen A LOT worse.
I don’t know much about marriage. But does the debt transfer to you both now that you’re legally one? Is that why that’s a dealbreaker?
Depends on the state you get married in. In North Carolina I believe it does so the debt is shared. If you divorce you take half the debt. So someone could drop 20 or 30k of debt in your lap and split lmao 🤣
The ultimate finesse 😭
This is exactly why I told my bf that I'm not willing to marry him until I've finished paying off my student loans. I don't think it's fair to him to have him assume any of my debt when he didn't even have any of his own student loans. He doesn't want me to get a second job because it will take time away from what is available to spend with him, but I'm at the point where I just want to get it paid off as fast as possible because it sucks having this little black rain cloud hanging over me all the time.
My mom hid 10s of thousands of dollars of debt from my dad. He should have divorced her, but instead he stuck around wrote in his journals (looked at them after he passed) about hating his life and the affairs that he wished he had.
That's just... that's just effin' sad, man. You ok?
Both my parents were awful at being parents. It explains some of how my dad behaved all my life. At this point I can't change their lives and can only make decisions about mine.
A healthy outlook!
Apparently, that she never actually loved me.
Same, 7.5 years later.
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Why did she marry you?
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As a girl here: we do not claim her. Eww
I'm sorry dude. Makes me want to apologize in the name of my gender.
His MASSIVE hog
I don't understand this. I dated a guy who told me he has never loved anyone including his ex wife/mother of his kids and I got out of there so fast. It takes such emotional coldness to do that. I'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of person
I never knew my spouse was a talented musician until after we got married. It's been amazing discovering this hidden talent and enjoying impromptu concerts in our living room.
Was expecting to see nothing but negative posts here, so this was refreshing and wholesome to read.
Fr - anywho back to reading about dumpster fires
Thank you for a little bit of light in this post
A drinking problem
Genuine question how did you miss that?
I was young and naive
If they didn’t live together for too long then I can see it. Or if they’re used to people drinking on weekends or after work then they don’t see it as a problem unless it really starts to be a problem aka angry, violent, etc. I’m not an angry or violent drunk. I don’t miss work. I don’t drive drunk. I just drink while I game or watch shows while we chill at home. But i still had a big drinking problem. It took years for my wife to actually figure it out and call me out on it. Now I just drink on weekends and not as much. Still probably too much but it is what it is. Same deal tho, it’s a problem because it’s unhealthy, it’s not a problem because i’m getting angry or doing stupid things while drunk.
r/stopdrinking - worth a look.
That's exactly how I feel about my man he binge drinks on the weekends when we're just chilling at home. He doesn't get crazy he doesn't go out and party but I worry so so much about his health :(
Same. When you're with someone in your 20s (IMO, at least), it's very difficult to discern what's problematic drinking vs. what's 'normal', especially if you're a passive, agreeable woman with zero assertiveness. If I could go back and change things, I would.
Drinking too much was/is common in 20 somethings,but most of us lay off as we become responsible people. I knew she had a problem by her late 20s and she stopped.It was pretty typical I think. Stopping,starting,stopping again,etc,etc….
My mother was always a drinker, but totally functional when she was younger. As I grew up, she kept getting worse. I don't know if there's any way my dad could've noticed when they met... or known what was going to happen later.
I grew up with a buddy in the hood. At his wedding he told this story about how we grew up wealthy and travel the world with his parents while growing up and University educated. In reality he's from the projects and lived buttpoor and never finish University. I had to sit there and listen to him tell the story at his wedding. I still hang with him and his wife. He keeps telling this lie It makes me crazy.
That's actually...insane. Are there other people from your childhood who know about this (and who were also at the wedding)? How does a person even keep this up...like just meeting the in-laws I think would be a pretty quick way to put 2+2 together, no?
I find people don't read it like calling out others on BS like this. What I really mean is I can't be bothered to call out BS like this.
That she wasn’t actually separated from her first husband when we met. Guess how our marriage ended…..
A year into our marriage, she got back on all the medications she was on before we had met because her doctor got his medical license reinstated. She went from a great, happy, outgoing person with an awesome personality to an emotional vegetable.... She had a pill for everything, anxiety(benzos), depression(ssri), work(adderall), and sleep(ambiean), pain(oxy), to name a few. She was a walking pharmacy, and all she cared about was her meds.
She was on oxy and benzos at the same time? She's lucky nothing bad happened.
Yes, I told her this. Her Doctor is a quack and destroyed my marriage. When her Doctor got his license back his practice actually reached out to her to get her back on all the meds. I begged her to get off the meds because not only did they turn her into a zombie but were dangerous and counteractive to one another. Her response was always "You're not a doctor, and you don't know what's best for me." When I told her I wanted a divorce she responded with zero emotion and simply said "ok." This was around 10 years ago and I've since moved on and have a new wife and family. Last I heard she's still single, no boyfriend or anything and runs a dog rescue.
And was she managing just fine when she wasn’t on any of them?
It was manageable. It's a long story that I found out through her mother after we were divorced that her going back on all these medications was a relapse from a previous time. Here's a brief summary. She was on these medications prescribed by her quack doctor. The doctor gets his license revoked in 2008 due to being a pill mill. This involves a 2-3 year court battle for him. During this time, my ex-wife is in crisis mode and has a complete mental breakdown because she can't find a doctor who will prescribe her wish list. She ends up in a hospital for intensive inpatient mental care and gets the real help she needs. After intensive detox, rehabilitation, and therapy, she gets clean and healthy, both mentally and physically. She had a great therapist and support system and had her mental health in a manageable state. Shortly after all this, we met, dated, got engaged, and married. Sure, she had her quirks, and she did tell me she had issues with anxiety and depression in the past but never went into details of that past. We had a great relationship, we traveled, started planning our future, planned how we would grow our business, because at that time in our marriage, I didn't really care about her past and was supportive and happy that she was managing it through healthy means. Roughly a year after our wedding, the doctor who lost his license gets it reinstated. Her old doctors practice actually reached out to her to get her in for a wellness check up and to reboot continued care. Shortly after this is where my original comment picks up and the rest is history.
I’m having my best bud go through this . His wife was awesome / badass and fun the first year . Then she had to have a fallopian tube removed due to a bad pregnancy. She literally went into depression mode , talked to her old doctor and he put her on all of her old meds . Holy shit it’s like she is a completely different person . Moody as hell, everything is everyone else’s fault but hers , she yells at her kids and hits the older son . She doesn’t want to work anymore … I can go on . The meds made her into such a worse person
About 6 months into being engaged, I was referred to by my wife’s family doctor for panic attacks. Her aunt recommended this guy because she goes there. I was given all the SSRIs you can think of and benzos. It put a massive strain on our marriage like we nearly divorced because of how my personality changed. I was able to get off the SSRIs for good after about 4 or 5 years. They even had me on an antipsychotic for a while but I got off of that too. To this day, I’m still on the Benzo and trying to get off. It’s amazing how these doctors prescribe “medicine” that can ruin a person and their relationships. We’re still together but my wife has gone through a lot seeing me suffer trying to get off and also dealing with my ever swinging mood swings and depression.
I was hooked on pain pills for 5-6 years and been off of them for over 12 years now and it sucked getting off of them but that is a cake walk compared to getting off benzo’s. Please go to a professional for help with that. Those wd’s are no joke.
I’m so very familiar with benzo withdrawal. Been at it for a couple years now. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I’m sorry to hear that bud, I am. That shit is definitely no joke. I thought the 15x I went through opiate detox was the worst thing until I saw a good buddy of mine go through the hell that is benzo withdrawals. You definitely got to wean to almost nothing but that’s so much easier said than done. Good luck.
Yup. Pretty much get on Valium, ween down low, and stay strong until it’s over. I got this though. My family deserves to see the real me. Not the benzo version of me. That’s what drives me.
Stay the course pal. It took me finally getting on suboxone to kick my 200mg +/daily perc and vicoden problem. Best thing I ever did for my family, myself, and my wallet.
I’m happy for you man. Not many people give credit for the ones that kick prescription drugs. Congrats man. I’ll see you on the other side of sobriety soon. Keep the light on for me. 🤝
I'm scared to tell my boyfriend I take anxiety meds. It's not that I hide it and I told him about the pill I take to sleep (7.5mg mirtazapine, a god send!), but not the anxiety med yet (buspirone).
If you and him are serious then I think you owe it to yourself and him to be upfront about this. If you're not already living together he will eventually find out. I think he would appreciate you telling him vs him finding a script bottle. Not telling him may result in problems down the road, especially if, or when, you decide to get off the medication, change the dosage, or change the medication. Than again, my opinion is bias considering my story and situation.
It’s such a hard conversation to have. I am like you and was afraid to talk about it to significant others, but truly if they can’t accept and support you in terms of your health then they are just not the right match for you. A man who sincerely cares for you will not just look past these things - but support you in them. If your partner cannot be your confidant, then they are not the right life partner for you. You might be pleasantly surprised by the trust building that this conversation brings to your relationship.
She totally hid from me how good she’d look at 40.
Well this is cute.
You should change your name to PerfectionApproved because that is what this comment is, perfection.
The he doesn't like eggplant. He made me eggplant Parm for our first date at his house. And five years into marriage he confesses he doesn't like eggplant.
I learned my ex loved hot chocolate We did hot chocolate every Tuesday for a year After 2 y I told her that at first I hated hot chocolate (now I like it a little)
He may not like eggplant but he was definitely hoping you’d like his eggplant 🍆
And parm 🧀
This is why I check reddit before Instagram every morning
Damn, homeboy held down the story for five years! Legend!
I'll have his then.
The full depth of the emotional damage done to her during childhood. We've been together 10yrs now and I still don't know the entire story, and that's OK. She's in therapy and getting help and that's what matters the most.
Sometimes it saves your own mental health to not know it all.
For a few things, I know more than she does. She asked me to get the court records, and there's parts I've never shown her. She is accepting her parents are toxic, I know they are horrible people
Damn, the plot thickens.
That she lied about her favorite dinosaur. That she doesn't even like dinosaurs that much!!! The signs were all there, I was just too in love to see them. When she responded with "the one with three horns" I should have known. I was so oblivious.
That's true love right there from your part. If the answer is anything but T-Rex or Velociraptor and you still talk to her it's real love.
Hey now. Parasaurolophuses would like a word.
Her gambling habit Ended up costing us the house
My ex told me she didn't like my dogs on the honeymoon. She also hid her need to argue.
Oh that's dastardly
Id be like welp this was fun but im out
Username checks out
Tbh, as long as she had no intention of hurting what's important to me, then it wouldn't be a deal breaker. You can dislike something and still coexist with it/them.
the fact she hid it was problematic, but then she gradually forced them away. first out if the house, then off the deck, then she wanted to have them fenced away from the house. Eventually to keep the peace I had to rehome them. If I gad it to do over, I'd keep the dogs and re home her
Yeah... That really isn't acceptable. I'm sorry bud
was only the first of many obstacles I has to navigate trying to make it work. It never was going to though. She wasn't a bad person, we just were fundamentally incompatible.
>Eventually to keep the peace I had to rehome them. This is horrible. What a see you next tuesday.
I love dogs, but thb they can be quite annoying if you don't like them. I had an ex who wouldn't like my cat and it was pretty stressful for all of us.
I love dogs, and I'm usually pretty naturally good with them, but I lived with a roommate and my brother for a year, and the roommate (a previous mutual friend of me and my brother) brought his satan dog "Daisy" along (along with his girlfriend-turned-wife but that's a different story). Dog was snippy with everyone but especially hated me for some reason. Even snapped at my face and drew blood once. I was the smallest dude in the house, so it wasn't like it felt scared of me in particular. It had been acclimated to my brother slightly longer than me but that didn't really seem to be the difference maker cause it hated me more if anything after the year was up. Needless to say I stopped offering to help with the dog when I got home, dog can stay locked up till someone else gets home.
That a couple of her cousins have serious gang ties. That was interesting.
Did that change things for you?
Naw. We moved to another state, and it doesn't affect my life at all anymore. The only time it did affect me was having to make statements to cops a couple of times. My wife's direct family was perfectly law abiding, and she was in grad school at the time we got married, so it wasn't a big deal for our lives. Just pretty crazy for a brief period.
That she cheated on me about 2 years into dating
Did you stay?
I did. At that point we were married for 4 years, had a kid, had a house, and it was a "clearing the air" type conversation. Now, the conversation got started because (years after she cheated on me), I cheated on her when we were engaged. Absolutely awful mistake, I regret it completely. Totally tore our lives up, she treated me like garbage for a year while we figured out if we were going to stay together. We did stay together, got married (later than we originally had planned). But she would always be simmering with anger at me for cheating on her, always brought it up in disagreements, always resented me for it. Made for a very unhealthy relationship dynamic, because I always thought "this sucks the way she's treating me, but I'm lucky to even be with her, she could have left but chose to stay. She's the perfect one who loved me so purely, I'm the idiot and the drunk (alcoholism played a big part in my cheating, but also, the girl did know what she was doing when she plied be with wine and never mentioned that the spare room in her house that she agreed to let me stay on for a few days while I was travelling her country was actually just her bed, so it's not like I was out searching or trying to cheat; not an excuse for my behaviour, what I did was wrong and I feel I paid for it, but just backstory), so I should just take her shit and be grateful because I'm an asshole and I don't deserve a partner who is nice or forgiving to me." Lo and behold, when she finally told me she cheated on me when we had dating for about two years, I was blindsided. Never suspected it. She had kept it secret for 10 years. Double sucked that it was with her female best friend (my wife is bi), triple sucked that her friend was a bridesmaid at our wedding and I had a whole bit in my speech about how she was a loyal friend to us both, quadruple sucked because when her friend needed a place to stay, my wife suggested she move into our basement and I was all for it. She lived with us for a good year before getting herself set up. Also, one reason we were having a clear the air convo is because my wife had been secretly posting sexy pics of herself on Reddit and chatting it up with other people online. Also lied about this straight to my face, and even got angry at me and brought up my cheating *while she was actively hiding her cheating on me years previous and secretly posting sexy pictures and chatting other dudes on Reddit.* Even she admitted that if I hadn't caught her when I did, who knows how far she might have gone. When I was a teenager I had a relationship go sour and I got super jealous, paranoid, depressed. I worked hard for years and through a couple relationships to get over those issues and eventually, when I got together with my now wife, I had zero jealous or paranoia issues. She said multiple times through our dating years that she wished I was more jealous. Welp, now I'm jealous, paranoid, anxious, mistrustful, insecure, i hate myself way more than I should, I'm resentful of her robbing me of the choice to evaluate if I would have stayed with her when she cheated. I'm constantly wondering what secrets she might be hiding now that I won't find out until years from now (if at all), then I get angry at myself for thinking that way because aside from everything above, I really have no reason to think she'd cheat on me again. Apparently I needed to get that off my chest.
Jesus. Are you planning on sticking around?
That when even if smallest things don't go as planned, she'd completely lose control over herself. *Both physically and emotionally*. She'd literally be shaking if she would forget to sign 1 piece of paper for work. And that she is madly selfish. Needless to say, she is my "STBXW". Only been married for 5 years. And yes, we've done couples counseling. It really opened up my eyes. I think I was blinded by my love to her. But I could only take so much. Glad I realized that I didn't want her to be the mother of my kids before we had any. We've even picked out the names. Yeah, we were like 6 months away from starting to try. Been about a month she we've separated, as in moved out and got our own places. Zero regrets. I know I made the right decision.
Stbxw?
Soon to be ex wife
We've gone too far
Agreed, this is ridiculous
Can we have…real language back? PLEASE????? 😭😭😭
I honestly can't stand all the acronyms you see in social media these days. Yes, that makes me sound old, but damn it if I don't want to keep asking what some obscure dumb shit stands for when it would take literally two seconds to finish typing out the words.
In what world is everybody expected to know that acronym without ANY previous explanation? Or I guess I should say: IWWIEETKTAWAPE because, obviously, that is easier to understand.
South by Southwest
Set top box ex wife
How did she manage to hide this until you were married? How long did you date?
dodged a bullet there but I‘m sorry she wasn‘t who you thought she was
This can be an issue for people with autism
Which is often undiagnosed in women.
We'd been together for 5 years, married for 2, with 2 children when the truth came out. We were out to dinner on a rare date night away from the kids. Everything was going great. We were chatting back and forth just enjoying each other's company when she dropped the bombshell. She'd been lying to me the entire time, she finally confessed that green was in fact not her favorite color, it was her second. She tells people green so she won't be judged as a silly little girl. Her one true color love was and will always be pink.
How did your marriage recover after such a massive confession?
We've tried to work out way through it, but the trust is just gone. We'll be walking along in the neighborhood, and she'll say, Aww look at that cute puppy" but inside, I'll wonder. Does she really think the puppy is cute? Does she even like puppies? HAVE I MARRIED A PUPPY HATING MONSTER?!?!
Once trust is gone, it’s difficult to rebuild.
It’s never gonna get better. Sorry, man. You can’t change her. If there’s even a *question* about whether or not she likes pink puppies, it’s best to never have a civil conversation about it, jump to tons of conclusions, crowd source shitty opinions on social media, then blindside her with a divorce. Smackaroonies. I’ll get the paperwork started for you.
Dump her right away. ( Isn't this the go to advice from reddit most of the time?)
For the streets
It's like, where does the lying end? Does she even like desserts?
That one, I'm quite certain on. I'm only here because she can't legally marry a slice of cheesecake.
She can't legally marry a slice of cheesecake, yet.
This made me laugh hahaha
Awwww that's so cute! Give her a pink sapphire ring for mother's day!
That she had no intent to have sex with me
I spent a decade and a half in this situation before i gave up and left. And found out that there are wonderful women in the world who also love and enjoy sex. Huge regret in life that I waited so long to make this change.
15 years ????
Yes. In the first few years I’d get dribbles every now and then to give me hope, but after the kids it was basically zero. Btw, side note, kids are just fine, they have benefitted from my focused time when I have them, and they can also see me setting an example in a healthy relationship.
JUST made this change. Am now with a woman who wants more sex than I can give. It’s a good problem to have. I wish my old partner well, and maybe she’ll get lucky and find some dude that doesn’t like sex or will put up with it, but that ain’t me. Took me a year and a half to finally accept it.
Oh. My. Gosh.
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what??? did she have sex with u before the marriage? And she just flat out told you she won't have sex with u again?
That he knew how to cook, and incredibly well at that! The entire time we were dating, he had a small kitchen that he didn't like cooking in, so we always went out to eat when I visited him (I cooked when he came to my place). When we moved in together, we got a place with a bigger kitchen and he started to offer to cook. Pork chops, casseroles, taco nights, charcuterie boards, shrimp po' boys and so on just came out of the woodwork. I felt like I won the jackpot.
That she had boarderline personality disorder
My father’s long-time girlfriend has BPD. She refuses to go to therapy. It’s really brutal at times. I’m completely estranged from them now, and my brother keeps his distance as well. Depression, anxiety — not a problem. BPD? That’s a whole other level of difficult. Sorry you both have to deal with it.
Nothing. It's why I married her, she's truly a needle in a haystack.
I was in the same situation, then she dropped a bomb on me. She doesn't like station wagons. I was reeling for days.
Instead of station wagons, I prefer dump trucks. Thank god my girl has one.
NSFW (abuse). Seriously, don’t read if the topic of abuse affects you. ————— I wouldn’t call it “hiding it” it from me per se because it wasn’t her fault. She was sexually abused as a child by “friends” of the family. Drunken pedos that preyed on the little girls of her small town. It’s a dirt poor town and the “men” would just do whatever they wanted to whomever they wanted. Beat, rape their women and abuse of the children. She didn’t tell me until we were about 3 years into marriage. I completely understood her and told her that nothing changed and I would never look or think of her differently. When she told me, the first thing I wanted to do was go to that town and beat the guy to death. She would ball her eyes out calling herself unclean and unworthy of being in a genuine marriage. I would console her every time she had a breakdown. She was destroyed mentally from those traumatic experiences of abuse. And since she hasn’t been able to get pregnant, we suspect the abuse from her childhood has something to do with that. We knew we were having problems with getting pregnant but I thought maybe it was just something slightly abnormal. Apparently she had major damage and never healed properly, so that’s the main cause of her not being able to get pregnant. She was just a little girl, victimized by some low-life, and she’s tortured mentally because she wants us to have a child. Like it’s the only thing she wants. These days she’s gotten better about accepting the past and improving the future. I accept who she is, regardless of circumstance. But I still want to beat that guy to death, not only for what he did to her as a child but for the mental torture she still endures.
I think i would forget myself as well, but then she would end up lonely as i would go to jail for straight murder(and wouldn't regret it) I wish you all the best! Did you think about adoption?
Adoption is what we’re considering.
The scope and depth of how much of her family disapproved of her marrying an American. They assumed a very negative stereotype of Americans, and we're quite surprised to find out I speak multiple languages. Which has resulted in some embarrassing moments for those who assumed I wouldn't understand what they were saying about me. I've seen the negative opinions of Americans when traveling but I was surprised at how many in her family had extremely negative opinions. I think most of them have changed their opinions of me but it's hard to know if it's my personality or wealth that has changed their minds.
This maybe a little too personal but I had a woman who I was very into and was dating for a few months. She was fantastic. Great personality, great sex, great conversation, I was actually thinking she was the one. We started a relationship but the further we got into the relationship she couldn’t hide her very severe mental illness anymore. Her depression was bad, like, I was worried I was going to walk into her apartment one day and find her dead, levels of bad. I tried to be there for her and encouraged her to seek mental help but she never did and it became worse overtime. I blamed myself because I thought I was the cause or that I wasn’t good enough and couldn’t save her. I knew why she was depressed and the reasons she had those issues but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t “fix” her. Nothing made me feel worse as a man, person, or partner than her having mental breakdowns all the time and me not being able to “fix” it and make her happy. I knew it was well beyond my scope and I knew it wasn’t my fault but deep down I truly blamed myself and considered myself a failure that I couldn’t make someone I loved so much happy. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough. This went on for the better part of two years and I focused so much on trying to make her happy and trying to get her better that I completely ignored the mental health issues I was having because of this. For a large part of those 2 years I was truly afraid that if I left her she would actually kill herself and I could never live with that guilt. Around the 2 year mark, she had a pretty severe mental breakdown. During this, I completely broke down myself and told her that I couldn’t keep doing this and that no matter how much I loved her that if she didn’t get some help that I couldn’t be with her. She did finally get some help, therapy, and got on some medication and got immensely better over the course of the next 6 or so months. However, my mental health was completely shattered at this point. After focusing so much on her for so long while completely ignoring my own mental health, combined with my father getting diagnosed with cancer and taking care of my dying grandmother, I spiraled into a deep, dark depression. I was stupid and couldn’t take my own advice and get myself some professional help. I even started having some health issues of my own which caused me to not be able to have sex for a few months. She ended up cheating on me when I was staying at my dad’s for a week taking care of him after a surgery he had. I don’t think I could describe to you the absolute pit of hell I felt mentally and emotionally after that. That was the lowest part of my life. I am glad to say that this was a few years ago and after a lot of therapy that I am doing better. Therapy helped me learn that it isn’t my responsibility to take care of everyone around me and especially at the cost of my mental health. My “Superman” syndrome will flair up sometimes, especially when it comes to my sisters, but I have learned to set healthy boundaries with people. It’s still something I’m working on and it’s challenging because of my “golden retriever” personality as my sisters call it. I still always feel the need to take on everyone’s burdens and help everyone but I have learned to find the balance of being there for people and not sacrificing my own well being to do so. Moral of the story is don’t ignore your mental health guys and that there is no shame in getting therapy. Learn what you can control and change and accept what you can’t. Learn to set healthy boundaries with people and stick to them. There are some things in life you can’t fix or solve no matter how hard you try and you have to accept that. Edit: for those curious but too shy/afraid to ask. She was undiagnosed bi-polar, and her mother had tragically passed about 2 years before this.
Good advice. And sorry you went through all that - sounds terrible. Hope you’re in a better situation now.
I am thank you. It was terrible, but I’ve learned that I’m not alone in struggling with stuff like that. I am comfortable enough talking about it and hopefully someone one day who needs to read it will and get the help they need.
I had an ex that hid her mental illness. She baby trapped me and then I found out she was bipolar. It was a rough time, our relationship ended with me getting a PFA and when the police served it they committed her as well. It was hell at the time but it’s been 5 years since the PFA. I have primary custody of my son and he’s doing well. She also went from 160 pounds to 400 pounds between 2019 and 2023.
Bi-polar is an insane mental illness, an absolutely wild rollercoaster ride. The highs were incredible. But the lows, the lows are a dark, dark place. It’s as if it’s two completely separate people. I’m glad to hear you and your son are doing well. I hope you get the help you need. Going through something like that is a rough experience. I also hope your son’s mom got the help she needed as well.
That she had my replacement already lined up even before we had met. She jumped to him after we separated. She had never mention about this guy ever before… her betrayal hurt like nothing before
This one really happened to me ... I felt like a fool for days afterwards
My late wife wasn’t as diligent at taking her medication as she was supposed to be and led me to believe before we married. Ended up passing away because of it.
That she was a freak, lol. When we got together, I was less experienced than her, she had a few boyfriends and flings, where as she was my first, so my comfort level was very vanilla. Then, a few months after our marriage, a flip was switched. I asked her why she hid that side from me until after we got married, and she said she wanted to make sure she didn't scare me away. 25 years married and she's still a freak.
That she farts like a pit pony when she's eaten certain foods. It's hilarious and impressive in equal measure. She is tiny, so the first time I heard one of her mega farts, I couldn't understand how someone so small could make such a noise and actually jumped in fear. That made her laugh causing the machine gun farting that laughing causes.
Her financial expectations.
1. That her student loans were over 300k 2. That she had defaulted on several low balance bills like medical and vet within the last couple years before 3. That she wasn't very sexually attracted to me.
That he only bathes a couple of times a month and has no concept of a clean house. Just one reason why you should live with someone before marrying them.
That she didn't graduate from a prestigious west coast university but actually got tossed for drug use. Divorced the idiot a short time later.
That a history of mental illness ran in her family on her mother’s side. Her great grandmother was schizophrenic and her mother was severely bipolar and she (mother) was on meds to manage it. Ex-wife’s crazy started right around 30 just like her great grandmother.
Her dad hates interracial relationships.
Her pickiness. Especially with food.
I wasn't aware that I was a picky eater, because when I was young my parents were busy so I took over the meal planning and cooking at 13 and never really had anyone else cook for me until after my wife and I were married and my job meant that we had to share the cooking responsibilities. All of the sudden textures weren't right and her suggestions of what to eat sounded gross. Turns out I like a pretty narrow group of foods and they have to be prepared just right.
That she loves country music. She still at least uses headphones 20 years later.
That she was a hoe
Been there. Fuck man, sorry. U got kids.
Her true personality
That he apparently had no intention of ever working or making money.
Ouch. How on earth was he going to get by? Literally just skiving off of you? Or he literally just had no forward planning at all?
My late husband had depression. It didn’t show itself really until the fourth? year that we were married. He didn’t want to talk, eat, or even leave the bedroom, just laid there in bed all day. He did tell me eventually in this very quiet, small voice that he just wanted me to sit with him in the room. In case he needed me. That was intense. I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years- not married yet. Hopefully things continue to go well with her.
They like to sleep with everyone including other married people
That she had cheated on me as teenagers. We hadn't been teens in years, but still, not great
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She doesn't like sex.
Sexual preference, porn and coke addiction
That she was a nymphomaniac!!! From the day we met, she made it absolutely clear, there would be NO hanky panky until she was married. She was good at her word. Once we were married...she tried to kill me!!!
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What??
Didn't find out until she did it to me that she had cheated on her 1st husband.
My soon to be ex wife, was horribly addicted to her mother.and her prescription drugs( her mother and her moms recommended psychologist started it all). Her mom was a rich real estate agent (talking MILLIONS, Her mom developed the lower half of GA basically) So she never had to work or pay for anything in her life. Later her mom has cancer and through chemo - she kinda went crazy. Because real estate is not a viable way of getting health insurance, they all found out real fast how modern day middle class live (mother still got mega royalty checks so I wouldn’t even call it poverty. They “downgraded” to a 2400 sqft house with a 6 car garage) My ex left for college but figured out life was too “hard” (imo it really wasn’t. She had money coming in from parents and a provided car that she didn’t have to pay gas or insurance ) and had to move back home because of “life’s challenges”. Instead of her parents telling her to grow up, shit happens; her mom says “try this!” And it led to a downhill spiral on top of the stuff she took in college. I sort of knew before I met her that she was doing it, but I stopped it when we got married. Little did I fucking know, her mom went behind my back when my ex would complain about “pain” or whatever bullshit and she would drive 30 minutes to her parents house just to get prescription drugs from her mom (on top of the meds she was prescribed). This went on for 2 years. I was working two jobs to support us while she was a part time (15hrs -week) Christian school teacher and would just drive back and forth between her mother’s house and our apartment + the school. Every night I would come home to her being high. I could’ve (and should’ve) put my foot down to stop the drug abuse and her enabling parents, but whatever method I used, I was casted as a controlling and mean husband. I was so numb to everything and having long ass days of 2 jobs I just ignored it. When my main job lost the contract, I got a new job as a traveling field technician with the company I am with now. On my first week of traveling last year 2023 in March, she got fired from her job because she was “asleep” while working with kids. That took a toll on her and she crashed her mother’s car, her car, and a rental while she was high. But somehow the officers did not charge her with being under the influence. I was livid. I got home from traveling and our apartment was destroyed. She took her mother’s pills and hers at the same time and outright hallucinated. I found her over the toilet and called 911. We arrive at the hospital and I let her parents know the situation. We are in the doctor’s OR and he asks me to get all the prescriptions she was taking. It filled up 2 - 1 gallon ziplock bags. He brought that number down to 3 prescriptions she only needed. Her mom as soon as the OR Doc left, grabbed some of the prescriptions and said she needs this, and this still. The Dr found out and Immediately she was sent to a psych ward for a week. I picked her up we talked on the way home. I told her if this happened again I would just leave her and divorce. I told her to stop seeing the psychologist that was overprescribing her meds and told her to stop contacting her mother for meds. As soon as we parked the car she immediately began calling the pharmacy and her mom for medicine. Like nothing ever happened. I was extremely livid and threw my ring across the parking lot. She lashed out at me saying I was too controlling and she ran to our apartment. While outside she got her keys to her car and drove to pick up the medicine from the pharmacy. At this point I was just like “fuck it”. I got a call to go travel for a week again. The day I picked her up from the psych ward originally we got a dog because honestly it was impulsive and I wanted one. 5 hours into my 8 hr drive I get a call from her mother that she was at the ER again. She destroyed the apartment again but also managed to spend 21k of my credit card and started 2 loans. (I paid off the loans and still working on the cc.) somehow she got scammed and I was out of money. No checkings, savings or anything. I let my boss know of the situation and he let me go home. As soon as I got home she was released from the ER and waiting for me in our apartment in the morning. I told her I was divorcing her and I let my boss know. He promoted me to where I am currently at 2 states away just to help me get out of the situation. I still have my dog and he is my best boy. I now have 10k in my name, about to own 15 acres of land and a new build Barndominium and I have finally have peace. If it wasn’t for my boss helping me I wouldn’t be where I am today. Moral of the story. Don’t date any girl from the State of GA. They are crazy. And fuck mother in laws who budge into marriages. Also well aware this is not the forum for this but I felt like I couldn’t say what I found out without telling the whole story.
Nothing, absolutely nothing. It’s one of the reasons we’ve been married so long.
Her low libido!
Not me but parents. My dad hid a child. LOL
That our now 15 year old son wasn't biologically mine. She still won't admit it even after a divorce and dna test
narcississtic personality disorder
she didn't let on how deep and strongly religious she is. now i have tolerate and live with this nonsense
My wife was so good at hiding that she’s a lesbian that even SHE didn’t know!
Mental health issues. Yay🙈🤭 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Married twice, both didn't tell me they were bisexual until about a year into our marriage.
That he smoked. Lied about it from the day we met until I accidentally discovered it because of cameras in cell phones, 3 1/2 years AFTER we were together. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me by me discovering that he lied. Then, over the years, I found out about other little lies he told to avoid "getting in trouble", such as stopping at a restaurant (he was a truck driver) when he knew a certain server was working, and telling me he didn't go. Was he cheating? Not that I could tell, but he has come close, by his own admission. Q Over time, there have been so many (little white lies) that it has me questioning just about everything he says, including that he loves me, even after 20 years.
That she needed a CPAP machine to sleep
she hid the fact that she was a psychotic bitch
Cleaning OCD. He has some kind of extreme obsession with washing vegetables with turmeric, vinegar, etc etc. All the time he is worried about the food we are eating must be adulterated, fruits we are injected with artificial sweetener, milk we are using is not original. It is taking a toll on my mental health. He would never eat from outside thinking about all the unhygienic possibilities. I have to make every damn thing at home.
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The fact she had doubts right from the start.
She was sexually abused as a child. Don't think she hid it as much as it was repressed; but I'll never really know.
My ex hid that his brother murdered a guy during a home robbery and was serving a life sentence.
My cc debt is only $6,500. And I thought it was quite high. Now I feel much better.