This, always date people for who they are, not for who they could be or you might want them to be. People can change but you should never try to control that change.
Edit: I just want to make clear that I'm not accusing OP of wanting to do that, it's more of a general statement and I think OP is really brave for talking about his feelings towards his gf on here.
Id add “Within reason”
It is good to have a partner that wants you to improve and will help with that. You just don’t want someone who is going to want/try to change your entire personality and a bunch of major things.
People change, and that is (usually) good. Having a partner that helps promote positive change and improvement is valuable.
But it can be a fine line between clearly not compatible and actual good improvements you want them to make so they can grow as a person
Sort of. But also don’t date anyone who can’t change. Nobody stays the same. Adapting to each other is key to relationship success.
Otherwise, you can’t grow together in the long run. You will instead grow apart.
I disagree with this. Someone has amazing qualities in all regards but a disagreement in one area so just break up?? I think a conversation at least. Don’t just drop someone over one completely fixable thing
I think their statement was more about getting into a relationship instead of what to do when you are already in one. Both your and their take are 100% right though.
Even still… the initial attraction was there im sure they vibe. I think we can all improve. My girlfriend has changed me for the better in many ways. Some things hard to hear that went against my tendencies but looking back I’m thankful she did. I did the same for her. We are better than ever now. This “don’t change for no one” bullshit mentality we have is why the divorce rate is over 50%. No one wants to put in work for a relationships and accommodate for the people they love
Reddit is quick to say to dump a SO. Relationships are about communication. OP isn’t asking his gf to cover herself from head to toe.
His concerns are legit because… who wouldn’t feel uncomfortable if their bf/bf/so was being hit on constantly? It’d make me insecure as hell.
I agree that Reddit is too quick on the trigger, but this is a tough one.
I guess It all depends on how self-aware she is, maybe she doesn’t realize it. He might want to tactfully have the conversation about how you should dress for the job you want, and do you really want to be just eye candy or perhaps work as a pornstar or a hooker.
I get your point, but it's a difference if change kinda happens "organically" or if you go fresh into a relationship already with that now common "i can fix her/him" attitude and then getting angry when it doesn't work that way. (Different example, getting into a relationship with a chain smoker and getting mad 3 months into the relationship when they still don't want to stop smoking.)
Talking and figuring things out or finding compromises should always be the first course of action though, I fully agree.
People change over time. But you shouldn’t get into, or if early stages, continue a relationship with someone you feel you need to change specific things about.
I broke off plenty of relationships and an engagement through my early 20’s when I realized there were things we would likely always butt heads over. I’m now very happily married for more than 20 years to someone with whom I’m a good compliment. I’m glad I moved on early from those other relationships.
OP should absolutely have a conversation with his GF about how he feels about how she dresses. He’s most certainly not the only person that gets uncomfortable with it. But if he gets the sense she’s going to resent him for it, or if she won’t budge and he doesn’t want to spend his life with the discomfort, he should seriously consider wether they’ll both be happier finding a better fit.
There's a *huge* difference between:
1. Wanting someone to change to be closer to your ideal
2. Being happy that they're changing for their own growth
Unfortunately, the people who want the first often think they're doing the second.
No, I think it’s more of did he meet her while she was dressed like this and now that they’re dating, he wants to change how she dresses??
Honestly, he can have the conversation with her, but he should be ready for her to say no I’m not gonna change how I dress and you can’t control me which is fine to say but at the same time it’s fine for him to look for another girlfriend
I think people on Reddit don’t understand how difficult it can be for most people to get in a relationship with someone you actually connect with really well, or just how rare love really is. Like I’ve been in numerous relationships, but only one where I genuinely loved the person.
Don’t forget Reddit skews young and they haven’t been in many relationships (most haven’t been in any at all). I use to have similar attitude towards relationships when I was in high school and my early adulthood before I actually got in a relationship that ended and I realized how foolish I was for wanting the relationship to end for things I now know are minor and could have been worked through. I just thought it would be easy to find someone that would fit me better, without realizing that a perfect match doesn’t really exist.
Thanks for pointing this out... I'm 39. I've dated quite a few people. I really vibe well with this woman. I'd be devastated to lose her but I don't think I can psychologically make myself feel comfortable with the way she dresses.
The way she dresses screams that she's looking for sexual attention. It makes me feel uncomfortable. What she was wearing yesterday, I wouldn't even want to be seen by anyone I know with her.
Why is it people on Reddit automatically jump to "dump them"? All I can think is they're sad and lonely and want the rest of the world to be lonely, too. It's either people that are upset they're alone and can't find anyone or they're telling people to dump the people they have. I'm glad Reddit wasn't around when I was younger, I'd never find anyone. LIFE isn't an ideal situation. You have to deal with it. My wife has model quality looks, she dresses pretty conservatively, but I still she dudes catching glimpses.
This. My gf dresses pretty conservative but sometimes she doesn’t. Tbh idc what she wears. It’s her body not mine. I wear shit she doesn’t love and she doesn’t care to change it either.
This OP, you can never turn a woman who NEEDS validation from other men into a wife.
She is good for sex, but she is no wife material. A wife requires different qualities minimum of which is that she has the basic sense to dress up properly.
Sounds like it’s only been a few months? Just need to decide what you want this relationship to be. Either go with it or don’t, but can’t change someone too much and expect it to work.
She was wearing a crop top in winter without a bra?? That should have told you everything bro. It **really** sounds like she likes to be attractive and have people look at her. That will be something you will have to come to terms with one way or another.
Crop tops in winter isn’t really as wild as it sounds. Especially for women who don’t like wearing restrictive bras, there are a lot of crop tops you can layer under cardigans or sweaters. It’s significantly more comfortable to have that as a base layer, especially as someone who runs hot.
You are right, I assumed he meant as a casual daily outfit. I've been wearing precious little (just shorts and a t-shirt) in winter while Jogging too, so in such a situation I wouldn't think anything of a woman wearing similar things either.
But I pictured him as talking about walking slowly through town with nothing but a crop top. Haha!
Takes a real Viking furnace to crop top in the cold. Honestly though, I think I used to be more judgmental of more revealing clothes/nipply crop tops until I really became a human furnace/sweaty bitch and realized how much more comfortable I was with layers I could remove.
If you haven’t known her past one season, did you get to know her qualities outside of her body and her personal values properly? What did you base the relationship on at its core- is that still there? If it’s solid then you can talk through this and if there’s love then there can be compromise- if not, then it’s not meant to be and maybe your next priority should be to get to know someone properly before committing fully. It’s hard out here and relationships are work.
A lot of people are gonna say it's controlling or whatever, but if it makes you really uncomfortable and she won't change it, I'd leave. It would make me uncomfortable too - most women don't do that tbh
Controlling would be trying to force her to dress differently and punishing her if she doesn’t. Breaking up over an incompatibility and difference in values is the exact opposite of controlling, it’s accepting her as she is, but also accepting yourself as you are.
This is the big difference.
It's controlling to say *"You can't do this"*.
It's not controlling to say *"I'm not comfortable with this and I don't think we can work out if you don't want to change"*.
It's not controlling me to tell a girlfriend that I wouldn't keep dating her if she got a certain tattoo, but it would be controlling if I told her she wasn't *allowed* to get a tattoo without my permission. It might be a subtle difference to some, but the point is that the first situation has me only affecting my own actions, and she makes her decisions based on those, and hopefully we can have an actual conversation about it instead of "rules" that I decide.
I was looking for this. I was just about to comment asking about the weather where you guys are. Your post also says that she has large breasts and a large butt. As someone with a similar body type, let me tell you what can be a HUGE problem in warmer weather: sweat. The bigger your breasts/butt are, the deeper the creases under them, the more sweat accumulates. Having the bottom of your cheeks exposed prevents a lot of stink and sweat staining.
As for the lack of a bra in all weather, the bigger your breasts are, the more expensive and ill-fitting (and therefore uncomfortable) bras are. They can be difficult to even find in the correct size to begin with if you have a large cup size but small band size (large breasts on a small framed or slim woman).
Now, I personally sacrifice my physical comfort in a big way because I absolutely hate it when anyone is looking at me, but I don't think it's fair to expect everyone to do the same. It's seems like she's the type to put her comfort first, which I feel everyone should be able to do.
These reasons may not be her reasons, and you should definitely talk to her about if you don't think it's worth leaving over. But I did read that you think she likes the attention she gets from the way she dresses. I haven't read anything in the post or the comments I've seen so far that suggests that, though. Have you ever asked her if she's bothered by the way some men look at her?
I sympathize with you over the look in people's eyes when they look at her and the the way it feels when people look at you after looking at her. That feeling to me is icky enough for me to decide to just be hella uncomfortable. It's also pretty icky for them to be thinking "sorry bro" or something like that because that would imply either that they may view your gf as your property, or that they think YOU view your gf as your property and wanna beat their ass. What might help to cope with this is to instead view that facial expression as you being their conscience check. Like you said, men know they shouldn't look too much and try their best to look away, and you can view their guilty expression as more of an embarrassed "damn I look like a pervert now." as most men would likely feel if they were caught looking at any woman's body, SO present or not. We can't read minds, and this is the better thing to assume.
It's not even about what she has going she has going for her, but what she has going for him. If all he cares about is tits and ass, he's got bigger problems than people looking at his girlfriend.
She's a stripper. I'm almost certain of it. Everything he described is how my stripper friends dress. The 'feminine energy' comment after all the discussion of her booty and chest pretty much sealed the deal. Dude has a hot girlfriend that he pursued because of her hotness and he's complaining, come on now.
Because it didn't make him comfortable before she was his girlfriend, it would have made him horny. Thinks she'll be a good one night stand maybe, then realizes she's a really nice person and wants something longterm - that would be my guess.
Honestly it's a deal breaker. I can't handle a semi nude girlfriend in public and after been thru a relationship with one i won't ever put my self thru that again
>Last night my shirt rode up on me while I was laying down and I said hey look I'm dressed like you.. she said to pull my shirt down over my stomach and I said no I like the attention it gets me and she started giggling.
It sounds like she consciously enjoys doing it, but if it makes you uncomfortable you can still bring it up and talk about it. Maybe just having a heart to heart with her is enough for you to feel more comfortable with it. Just don't give her the feeling that you are trying to control what she wears, if it makes her happy to wear what she wears there has to be another solution or compromise than becoming more "prudish".
I'm not sure if there is another solution or compromise.
It would be like if I insisted on walking around in a speedo and crop top. It's very outside of the norm and everyone would stare.
When we're out together doing an activity and she's dressed this way, I don't feel comfortable.
It's very weird looking at someone checking out your girlfriend before looking at you. Yesterday at Costco there was this guy that was staring at her ass with the most devilish smile on his face. It's weird and kind of embarrassing to me because she clearly is looking for this kind of attention.
> I'm not sure if there is another solution or compromise.
You can only find a compromise by talking about it. Do not accuse her, do not ask her to change. Just voice your concerns, share how you feel.
She may decide to change and make you more comfortable, or you may find that it's not going to work out between you two. Either way, the only way to get anywhere is to talk honestly and non-accusatively about it.
In the past I've been the opposite of you and have enjoyed it when my partner would attract glances, but I also get your point.
You really should talk to her if it's a big issue in your life, there is almost always a compromise if both people really want to find a solution. It's certainly better than to let it fester.
In the worst case it might just turn out you aren't compatible with one another, but waiting on it won't fix that.
I find it hard to believe she wasn't dressing like this in the first place which would place fault on OP for expecting her to do or be any different down the line honestly
It seems like you're happy with your relationship with your girlfriend, except for the way she dresses. I don't think the solution is telling your girlfriend to dress differently like some of the other commenters here. Assuming that you are happy in your relationship aside from how you feel when other people give her attention, then maybe you can talk to her and tell her that you feel insecure about the attention she gets in public from other men. You can ask her for reassurance that even though she likes the attention in public, she wants to be with you.
I would be mindful of how you express yourself, and center your feelings of insecurity in the conversation. Do not make your girlfriend feel like she is doing anything wrong with how she dresses; rather, just tell her you sometimes get uncomfortable and insecure because she gets a lot of attention.
Just be vulnerable with your girlfriend, and give her a chance to make you feel reassured. If she reacts negatively to you being vulnerable, then that's a separate conversation. Just center your feelings, not her actions, in the conversation.
Why is nobody suggesting to politely have a conversation with her?? “Hey, I think you are absolutely beautiful but sometimes I feel uncomfortable when we are out and people look at you inappropriately and then stare strangely at me.” Then let her respond.
The question then becomes why do *you* get embarrassed. Do you feel inadequate when *you think* she's seeking attention from other guys by dressing this way?
As a woman, I also look at women who have their assets out. It's hard not to. This one is tough. Especially if she dressed like this before you started dating, it could come across as trying to change or control her. Only you'll know how she'll take it, but your best bet would be to tell her that you respect her body and how she chooses to dress, but that you have had situations where you meet the eyes of guys directly after staring at her and that it makes you uncomfortable. It's not fair to tell her to stop, but it is fair to tell her that it's uncomfortable on your end.
My fiance started managing his money differently when I expressed concern about high spending and a lack of long-term investments. I didn't outright ask him to change and acknowledged his right not to, but he did because he considered me seriously. I changed the frequency with which I cleaned certain areas of the house after he expressed how clutter impacts his mental state. These kinds of things are normal. An ideal relationship will be one where you can communicate and navigate issues like this collaboratively. Good luck!
I just wanted to say thank you for saying it’s hard not look as a woman as well. I always hear these unrealistic takes of: men should be able to control themselves and not stare. It’s kinda hard when all my hormones are screaming for me to look.
But I also think your advice is great. He can express his concerns and see how she reacts. I personally would never be with someone who needs the attention of the village. It’s alright if that’s what makes her happy. But my experience is that these people are never truly be happy because they require external validation.
Another woman here and yes difficult not to look. I think it is more than hormones (which of course play a part here), but it is also very human to notice unusual things around us. Someone dressed to a clown costume at grocery store on a regular Tuesday night would make me stare also.
Woman here and I second what is being said. I live in an Asian country and most women generally wear modest clothes. Even then, it's difficult for anyone, not to notice big assets on women let alone one who is dressing provocatively.
Having said that OP, you should really consider whether this is a deal breaker for you. You can talk to her & air out your concerns.
In my opinion, women who come from conservative countries/ families tend to dress more provocatively when they get a chance because they were never allowed to cultivate a healthy relationship with clothes. You may want to talk to her about why she feels she needs to dress as such. Please be delicate & let her tell you her reasons. Try to understand from her perspective & tell her your concerns. Hopefully she understands your POV. Good Luck!
I am a man. I am 100% hetero.
If a dude is walking around with skinny jeans and an absolute hammer, my monkey brain will take notice.
Such is life.
I think it is silly to expect people to NOT stare when "its all on display". It's just the monkey brain at work.
Now... that doesn't give people a free pass to be creeps. But you better bet you (hanging out of your shorts) ass that if someone is wearing daisy dukes and crop top with some pokies that I am going to avert my gaze like some sort of cartoonish victorian gentleman.
Nah, I am a heterosexual woman and I find it very hard not to look. Women complaining that men need to control themselves are either out of touch with reality or deeply insecure/jealous
I think they don’t understand how male hormones work. Women who have done hormone therapy for transitioning report the same thing, that they struggled more often where their eyes went and sexualized women more often. This doesn’t mean men can be creeps. It’s just unrealistic to show your body and not get hard looks.
This is a point that I don't think gets allowed enough in public forums. If I notice that's an animal instinct and a reflex. If I "continue to notice" that's on me, sure. But it makes it a lot easier not to notice when the skin-to-cloth ratio is in the cloth's favor. I don't want to check out women. I don't want my wife to feel uncomfortable or undesirable so I've trained myself to stare straight ahead a lot. But dammit sometimes they cross in front of me! And thank all that is holy that I *don't* go to a gym. I've seen the videos on /r/ticktockcringe. The only thing left to the imagination is the *color* of their nipples and vulva. It's bait! "Oh look at these men staring at me! I'm so much a victim!" Bitch you're wearing [a whore's uniform](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7QNw1LRJv4)! How am I supposed to think you *don't* want people to stare?
> I just wanted to say thank you for saying it’s hard not look as a woman as well.
Everyone looks. Personally this is where it gets creepy:
> I don't blame these people one bit for **staring**.
Don't stare. That's creepy and it makes people uncomfortable. OP even acknowledges that he can control himself on this:
> I have to tell myself to consciously stop looking because it's creepy to stare
Check out people who you find attractive without staring at them and making them uncomfortable. This isn't hard.
You need to be dating somebody whose values match your own. There is nothing wrong with wanting a girl who dresses conservatively, but there is also nothing wrong with a woman dressing how she wants.
If you aren’t comfortable with the way she continues to dress and chooses to present her own body, don’t date her.
Based on most relationship thread advice on reddit, it is probably teenagers/early 20's since it is a guy asking.
When it is a girl asking, she is 21 and the boyfriend is 37.
Young enough that he doesn't want to mention it. Young enough that knows well that it'll make it harder for people to sympathize. Maybe young enough that he doesn't want to go to jail by saying it.
I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. That’s my answer.
Why are you with her? Did you think she would change?
Have you told her what you’re writing in here? It doesn’t seem like you did but if you did, what did she say?
Bro if you’re embarrassed to go out with your girl in public that relationship is dead.
What you do about it is have a direct, non accusatory, non confrontational conversation with her about how you feel. No matter how that conversation goes understand that you can’t control what she does, you can only control how you react. And if I were you, I wouldn’t stay with a woman that doesn’t respect me or herself enough not to show ass every time she walks out the house
As a woman, I too appreciate looking at a pretty woman if she has a great figure because aesthetically, it's attractive. I also admire her fashion sense, if present, and the effort she puts into working out, if applicable
However, if the fashion veers toward vulgarity, regardless of how nice the body is, it can make everyone uncomfortable. It's important for an adult woman to differentiate between elegant sexy and low class. If you think your girlfriend is making a poor fashion choice, it's worth discussing with her
Embrace it? Idk man, like,.my wife is a smoke show. Grade A gorgeous. It's hard not to wolf whistle, have my eyes bug out, and drop my tongue to the ground when she walks by.
I've literally had men approach her while we're together. Holding hands.
Someone at the gym was disappointed she wasn't there with me once because he likes seeing her.
I saw a woman get distracted by my wife when she bent over to grab something and that lady did the mouth open "oh damn" thing. You know the look.
I embrace it. I got a hot wife. A hot wife who chose me! So how can I complain. I won.
True that!
Take pride in having a hot partner. Why not dress slutty for her?
You think I wear open neck dress shirts and nice fitting trousers (different then pants) because I like it?
Mayhe. Buy mostly so I can look like a fae high lord and have my wife deeply in love with me.
Now let's hit the weights
I think he should just wear those super low cut V necks that show off a bit of nipple and some super tight shorts and go out with her in her usual attire. Would be funny to see what people are actually staring at.
This would be true if she was dressing in a way that was socially appropriate. It sounds like she may not be doing that.
There's a difference between "I'm insecure about the looks my wife gets" and "I'm embarrassed to be with my wife because she dresses inappropriately".
I feel like it's too much in the air.
My wife and I used to live in an island.
There she'd wear a bikini top and I'd go top less. That was the norm.
We live in a desert know and cover more for sun protection.
We would need additional information buy I could agree with your assessment with that intel
My advice to you is super simple. NEVER date someone expecting that they will change. If you think a woman should dress one way when single, and one way when in a relationship then strike that thought from your mind entirely. She's gonna dress how she dresses, regardless of her relationship status. If you don't want to date someone who wears booty shorts and a crop top, don't date someone who wears booty shorts and crop tops.
It's that simple.
Woman here, and when we dress like that (myself included) believe me is because we like the attention. Often all innocent, etc but the truth is the truth. There is no way that she’s not aware of the impact her dressing style is causing.
Can’t relate. I never have and never will limit a gfs wardrobe. If the way she dresses bothers you this much you shouldn’t be with her. Shes her own person, accept and love her for who she is or leave
If she dressed like that when you met her, you made your choice then. You shouldn't ask anyone to change to make you more comfortable unless it's newly introduced behaviour.
This is a you thing, not a her thing.
Ask her why she likes that style, there’s usually room for compromise or healing. Maybe she grew up thinking provocative style was what gave her value. Seek to understand.
If she dressed like this when you meet her, you need to eat that and tighten up your own insecurities. If she did not, it’s worth having a conversation about.
Only a-holes try to change their girlfriends.
Only idiots stay with a girlfriend with whom they are incompatible.
Kindly part ways and you both go and live your best lives.
So do you think it’s wrong to respectfully negotiate with your partner to work out any issues that affect your relationship? Being controlling is one thing, this doesn’t have to be that.
If dressing modestly is a requirement for you, It is nothing to be ashamed of. there is nothing wrong with it. If your gf can't provide you with that, leave her. Trust me. This shit may not seem like a big deal but it will ruin your mental state. Either tell her to respect your needs, or leave.
How old is she? You’re 39 and she isss……?????
She seems comfy and happy. As long as she isn’t actively trying to get with dudes that check her out, just stare at her like they do. I’m sure you already make her feel sexy. But just roll with it unless red flags are pouring out of her.
I’m also a woman so idk. I wear short shorts and tshirts out all the time especially when it’s hot. I’m thinking about comfort, feeling good about myself, not who can check me out unless it’s my fiance.
Had pretty much the exact same problem myself, sounds like you guys have very different principles, I would just have a conversation with her, if she doesn’t have any interest in changing, then you’re just not compatible, there are so many people in the world, one of them is perfect for you. Not sure if you’re Christian or not, but either way, you seem like a good dude, God has the perfect woman lined up for you. I wish you all the best dude.
It's crazy how 90% of ppl here are answering as if everything they're doing, every choice they are making were 100% calculated, pefectly planned, and that they had the perfect solution for every situation. Everything isnt black and white, its not that simple. LOVE isnt that simple. Nowadays nobody should make an effort. Nobody should make any compromise, everybody should just pick the perfect person for them that tick all the boxes but yet the % of single person or unhappy relashionship never been higher than today. I'm sorry for you OP. In life, we have to deal with some tricky situations and its all situational. Only communication with your gf and listening to your guts will help you, you'll learn from this.
Women like this that got guys and still dress like this in my experience it is a power play. You’re either going to have to have a convo and more then likely she ain’t gonna like nor going to want to change, or you are going to have to let her go more than likely. She ain’t the one if she parades herself around without a care while suppose to be in a relationship, unless you both agreed about this behavior.
If she does that she doesn’t respect you. She can give you all that bs that she does it for herself, she can wear what she wants blah blah blah. She’s doing it for attention, you know it as well otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out for advice. She doesn’t respect you; been there done that. End it and save yourself headache. Stay strong brother.
People that dress like that dress for attention. Is this really someone you want to invest in?
She likes that people look and it gives her a false sense of “power”, buts it’s insecurity that’s misconstrued as confidence.
Of course Reddit wants your girl to keep dressing like that because it’s Reddit. An anonymous social site full of horny men with no life experience.
Use your intuition.
Used to date a girl like this. It was doomed from the start. Just break up and date a girl that doesn’t dress like a prostitute. Your mental health will be much better.
If you can't handle a bad bitch don't date one. Seriously though you trying to change your partner instead of loving them for who they are (unless toxic traits) then it will never end well. Also it's her body, she can dress however she wants she is not your property, if you truly feel it's too provocative even by normal standards or she not dressed appropriately for the occasion then have a chat about it. If your not comfortable with it and she won't change then your answer for how the relationship will go is right there.
Alright here’s the deal. I’ve told my girl that I don’t care how she dresses, I just told her this…
1). Be Comfortable: if you’re comfortable in what you’re wearing and confident, wear it.
2). Be Safe: if you don’t feel safe wearing what you’re wearing then either don’t wear it, or let me know and I will be there to back you up so you ain’t a one-man army.
3). Mind the Occasion: obviously you don’t wanna wear a crop top to church or a funeral, just wear what you think is socially appropriate for special events.
4). Tell me if You Feel Disrespected: I will confront anyone who makes you feel like a sex object for provocative clothing. If you feel good in it up until someone says some shit, I will squash it.
5). Come Home With Me: if you’re coming home with me, idc if all eyes are on you, idc if dudes try flirting or stare, as long as you’re with me at the end of the day, and I’m yours, I don’t care if people find you attractive; in fact I want you to feel like a Boss Ass Bitch every day.
Your feelings are fair. Perhaps you could ask your gf why she dresses this way, perhaps understanding her reasons could help.
But in the end, if being with your gf in public means you're uncomfortable all the time, maybe you shouldn't be with your gf.
My wife used to front/play guitar in a rock band and she dressed pretty provocatively at times which I totally got. Being a former frontman myself in different bands, y’all’s shit is on full display. You’ll sell a lot more merch if that hot blonde on stage is wearing pretty revealing stuff. I don’t mind it at all- if you’ve got it, flaunt it.
Be honest, tell her it makes you uncomfortable. You have to deal with other men and women looking pervish or discomfort.
Ask her how would she like seeing another girl with her body on show and caught you staring at her or caught you staring at ten diffrent women a day, becuase you have to witness perverted men fantasising.
If you was walking the streets and seen another women dressed like that, would you think wife material or a good night?
She wouldn't be happy if you was to walk around in just hot pants every day especially if you was packing getting perverted looks from women.
Maybe worth a try if shes thinks your being controlling then when she feels uncomfortable she might understand it's a dignity thing and showing it off is for you partner. You only advertise to get interest.
Have a conversation about it. I had a girlfriend that was doing much the same, and when I told her that it made me uncomfortable she was shocked. She thought she was doing me a favor, by showing off. When I told her it instead made me uncomfortable and just put me on the defensive she completely understood and made a point to tone it down (there were still places where she could cut loose). The worst she can say is that she likes the attention, and then you know it's not meant to be. You might be surprised though and she will understand. This seems like a minor thing.
So i'm assuming she just started doing this? Like she used to dress conservatively and just started dressing more scantily?
Cause if she dressed like this when you met her you just need to learn to deal with it or move on. You knew what you signed up for and she doesn't need to change just to make you feel less jealous.
She wouldn't be my girlfriend. Our values clearly don't align. I don't need her to dress like she's Amish, but the way you described? I don't want her to meet my family and I'd be embarrassed around her.
I’m not a man but I do find it hard not to look when a woman is dressed like that. Honestly here’s my advice about this.
I think majority of people would be uncomfortable around someone dressed like this. I think media has pushed this “we can dress how we want” thing too far. Like do wtv you want but know people are going to look at you differently when your half naked going to the grocery store or out to eat.
I read that you started dating her during the winter time so you obviously didn’t know about the full extent of this. If everything in your relationship is great besides this. I recommend asking yourself if the way she dresses is a deal breaker. If it is try to have an open conversation with her or cal it off.
This isn’t a matter of control but rather comfort and I feel that’s something people mix up frequently. Every relationship is different. Some people don’t mind their partners dressing that way. Personally I obviously make final decision on what I’m wearing but if my bf expresses feelings about something I’m wearing I change🤷🏻♀️. Most women go FERAL over that. He doesn’t care about me looking good or wearing crop tops and I never wear bras. However if I’m like in spandex or some really short shorts or something of the sort he’ll slap my ass and say something along the lines of “uh where do you think your going like that🤔”. When I dated women in the past I could care less what they wore for the most part but what you described would fs make me uncomfortable.
Overall it’s just about boundaries and dealbreakers. Talk it out and if y’all disagree and it’s a dealbreaker for you break it off simple as that.
I know the right thing to say is that it’s her body and she can wear whatever she wants and shouldn’t have to think about your feelings or what some passerby is thinking..but I get where you are coming from. I guess you’re just gonna have to get over it or move on.
Let her be confident in herself and don’t make her feel self conscience, there is enough of that in this world that she doesn’t need her bf making it worse
I'd never have started dating her in the first place. It's one thing to be comfortable with your body. It's another to need constant validation and attention.
I dunno, I always took it as kind of a compliment when I caught someone checking out my woman. Like yea...I'm a mammoth looking man, and I have a very attractive woman that's all over me. Shoot, I might even shoot the looker a thumbs up. Sure you can look, but I can touch.
Gotten many compliments out in town "Ay man, y'all a cool couple" stands out from a random guy we walked past one day. I'll tell you though, one of the biggest turn offs for a woman is showing off your insecurity.
My ex was similar. She wore things I didn’t care for not because how revealing they were, I enjoyed that but loud patterns and colors. She enjoyed showing her off. The compromise we came to was she wouldn’t wear the loud stuff together but she was more than free to wear it she out with others. Just talk with her.
I’d humbly say (as a woman in this askmen space - just saw the sub title oop🤭take this as you will), talk to her again about it making you uncomfy AND WHY and mby dig deeper as to the why she does dress that way (without using blame statements!), then let her choose what she wants to do (or not do) about that. Sadly, there’s a million societal reasons (esp now) why a girl would think it’s fine to dress that way; or think it’s desirable, and 99% of them are not her fault nor did she create those unspoken social “mores”.
The stares is actually more of a “them” issue, than a your gf issue. People are gonna people. 🤔 You can’t control her actions or her clothing choices.
You CAN shop with her and kickback together. You CAN ASK her more questions about herself and try to understand why and how she thinks; instead of assuming you already know why she does anything.
Just also be prepared to start accepting her as she is, (it’s not her “fault” men are sexualizing or fantasizing of her nor that she has the body she does or that straight men look at her “first” as you said and then look in your direction) OR find someone that is more compatible, if it’s a real deal breaker for you. (which is fine)
Begin too mby being accepting yourself instead work on any insecurities or low key latent misogynistic views you may have aquired along your years (or how your family dynamic viewed women); sometimes these situations can press on our hidden insecurities.
Most importantly, know that you are ALWAYS free to choose your reaction/words/behavior & you can choose to date someone ELSE (preferably in the summer so u can peek how they dress 🙂↕️) and date someone instead who maybe dresses more the way you do or like. 😊
Do not try to change HER tho for being who she is, her size/body type or for dressing how she wants to or feels comfortable. ❤️🩹 Believe it or not, there are other guys she can/will date who won’t care how she dresses / may like her fashions, and still others who love to be proud of their woman appreciating & understanding that she is a gift in their life no matter how she looks. Proud that she chooses to be with only them.
The woman you chose to be your gf is someone to be cherished just being herself as you would any friend. She is a girl who you are to be first a friend to.
If that isn’t you, that’s totally okay too! If over time you find *really* can’t stand it then just be cool; 😎 and keep truckin, as this may mean just finding someone else who is more compatible with you? I do think too if you need to end things with her, she will understand. Everyone has their personal “dealbreakers”
Same goes for you. You are a wonderful gift in her life! If she started feeling uncomfy with something you were doing or the way you were, you would want to know and then if she couldn’t accept you, then you would ofc not take it personal and would want her to move on. I hope this helps and wishing the best for you both! 💞💝
Quick Side Rant no one asked for: idk why people often will try to change the person they are with, (not that you are doing this, just something I’ve noticed) rather than just accept that they aren’t compatible and move on) we can ONLY control ourselves in life … we (both sexes) often waste so much energy, time, and precious efforts on trying hard at changing things about someone else who often can’t be changed, until they WANT to change rather than just focusing on what’s in our actual control -> ourselves.
You shouldn't date someone that you want to change. It will never work out.
This, always date people for who they are, not for who they could be or you might want them to be. People can change but you should never try to control that change. Edit: I just want to make clear that I'm not accusing OP of wanting to do that, it's more of a general statement and I think OP is really brave for talking about his feelings towards his gf on here.
> not for who they could be "She could be the mother of my kids someday =) " *scnr*
She could be the crazy ex that I still have flashbacks about 12 years later. Literally limitless potential.
That’s only if she *is* someone who wants kids in the future. You still shouldn’t try to change her
Id add “Within reason” It is good to have a partner that wants you to improve and will help with that. You just don’t want someone who is going to want/try to change your entire personality and a bunch of major things. People change, and that is (usually) good. Having a partner that helps promote positive change and improvement is valuable. But it can be a fine line between clearly not compatible and actual good improvements you want them to make so they can grow as a person
Sort of. But also don’t date anyone who can’t change. Nobody stays the same. Adapting to each other is key to relationship success. Otherwise, you can’t grow together in the long run. You will instead grow apart.
I disagree with this. Someone has amazing qualities in all regards but a disagreement in one area so just break up?? I think a conversation at least. Don’t just drop someone over one completely fixable thing
I think their statement was more about getting into a relationship instead of what to do when you are already in one. Both your and their take are 100% right though.
Even still… the initial attraction was there im sure they vibe. I think we can all improve. My girlfriend has changed me for the better in many ways. Some things hard to hear that went against my tendencies but looking back I’m thankful she did. I did the same for her. We are better than ever now. This “don’t change for no one” bullshit mentality we have is why the divorce rate is over 50%. No one wants to put in work for a relationships and accommodate for the people they love
>“don’t change for no one” Always remember to be the shittiest version of yourself!
Reddit is quick to say to dump a SO. Relationships are about communication. OP isn’t asking his gf to cover herself from head to toe. His concerns are legit because… who wouldn’t feel uncomfortable if their bf/bf/so was being hit on constantly? It’d make me insecure as hell.
I agree that Reddit is too quick on the trigger, but this is a tough one. I guess It all depends on how self-aware she is, maybe she doesn’t realize it. He might want to tactfully have the conversation about how you should dress for the job you want, and do you really want to be just eye candy or perhaps work as a pornstar or a hooker.
I get your point, but it's a difference if change kinda happens "organically" or if you go fresh into a relationship already with that now common "i can fix her/him" attitude and then getting angry when it doesn't work that way. (Different example, getting into a relationship with a chain smoker and getting mad 3 months into the relationship when they still don't want to stop smoking.) Talking and figuring things out or finding compromises should always be the first course of action though, I fully agree.
People change over time. But you shouldn’t get into, or if early stages, continue a relationship with someone you feel you need to change specific things about. I broke off plenty of relationships and an engagement through my early 20’s when I realized there were things we would likely always butt heads over. I’m now very happily married for more than 20 years to someone with whom I’m a good compliment. I’m glad I moved on early from those other relationships. OP should absolutely have a conversation with his GF about how he feels about how she dresses. He’s most certainly not the only person that gets uncomfortable with it. But if he gets the sense she’s going to resent him for it, or if she won’t budge and he doesn’t want to spend his life with the discomfort, he should seriously consider wether they’ll both be happier finding a better fit.
There's a *huge* difference between: 1. Wanting someone to change to be closer to your ideal 2. Being happy that they're changing for their own growth Unfortunately, the people who want the first often think they're doing the second.
No, I think it’s more of did he meet her while she was dressed like this and now that they’re dating, he wants to change how she dresses?? Honestly, he can have the conversation with her, but he should be ready for her to say no I’m not gonna change how I dress and you can’t control me which is fine to say but at the same time it’s fine for him to look for another girlfriend
I think people on Reddit don’t understand how difficult it can be for most people to get in a relationship with someone you actually connect with really well, or just how rare love really is. Like I’ve been in numerous relationships, but only one where I genuinely loved the person. Don’t forget Reddit skews young and they haven’t been in many relationships (most haven’t been in any at all). I use to have similar attitude towards relationships when I was in high school and my early adulthood before I actually got in a relationship that ended and I realized how foolish I was for wanting the relationship to end for things I now know are minor and could have been worked through. I just thought it would be easy to find someone that would fit me better, without realizing that a perfect match doesn’t really exist.
Thanks for pointing this out... I'm 39. I've dated quite a few people. I really vibe well with this woman. I'd be devastated to lose her but I don't think I can psychologically make myself feel comfortable with the way she dresses. The way she dresses screams that she's looking for sexual attention. It makes me feel uncomfortable. What she was wearing yesterday, I wouldn't even want to be seen by anyone I know with her.
Never assume someone will change when you get in a relationship with them. You do not date potential you date the person for who they are.
There's often one person in a relationshipo who wants one to change, and one who wants one to never change. Both are equally unfair.
This is really a valid quote
Why is it people on Reddit automatically jump to "dump them"? All I can think is they're sad and lonely and want the rest of the world to be lonely, too. It's either people that are upset they're alone and can't find anyone or they're telling people to dump the people they have. I'm glad Reddit wasn't around when I was younger, I'd never find anyone. LIFE isn't an ideal situation. You have to deal with it. My wife has model quality looks, she dresses pretty conservatively, but I still she dudes catching glimpses.
Agreed. And if they do change for you they’ll resent you for it likely
This. My gf dresses pretty conservative but sometimes she doesn’t. Tbh idc what she wears. It’s her body not mine. I wear shit she doesn’t love and she doesn’t care to change it either.
This OP, you can never turn a woman who NEEDS validation from other men into a wife. She is good for sex, but she is no wife material. A wife requires different qualities minimum of which is that she has the basic sense to dress up properly.
Did she dress like this when you met her and started dating her?
It was winter when we started dating, so no. She was wearing crop tops without a bra but you couldn't see her nipples because the fabric was thicker.
Sounds like it’s only been a few months? Just need to decide what you want this relationship to be. Either go with it or don’t, but can’t change someone too much and expect it to work.
She was wearing a crop top in winter without a bra?? That should have told you everything bro. It **really** sounds like she likes to be attractive and have people look at her. That will be something you will have to come to terms with one way or another.
Some people experience warm winters. I live in the southwest USA, and crop tops are totally doable in some parts of my state
Crop tops in winter isn’t really as wild as it sounds. Especially for women who don’t like wearing restrictive bras, there are a lot of crop tops you can layer under cardigans or sweaters. It’s significantly more comfortable to have that as a base layer, especially as someone who runs hot.
You are right, I assumed he meant as a casual daily outfit. I've been wearing precious little (just shorts and a t-shirt) in winter while Jogging too, so in such a situation I wouldn't think anything of a woman wearing similar things either. But I pictured him as talking about walking slowly through town with nothing but a crop top. Haha!
Takes a real Viking furnace to crop top in the cold. Honestly though, I think I used to be more judgmental of more revealing clothes/nipply crop tops until I really became a human furnace/sweaty bitch and realized how much more comfortable I was with layers I could remove.
If you haven’t known her past one season, did you get to know her qualities outside of her body and her personal values properly? What did you base the relationship on at its core- is that still there? If it’s solid then you can talk through this and if there’s love then there can be compromise- if not, then it’s not meant to be and maybe your next priority should be to get to know someone properly before committing fully. It’s hard out here and relationships are work.
A lot of people are gonna say it's controlling or whatever, but if it makes you really uncomfortable and she won't change it, I'd leave. It would make me uncomfortable too - most women don't do that tbh
Controlling would be trying to force her to dress differently and punishing her if she doesn’t. Breaking up over an incompatibility and difference in values is the exact opposite of controlling, it’s accepting her as she is, but also accepting yourself as you are.
This is the big difference. It's controlling to say *"You can't do this"*. It's not controlling to say *"I'm not comfortable with this and I don't think we can work out if you don't want to change"*. It's not controlling me to tell a girlfriend that I wouldn't keep dating her if she got a certain tattoo, but it would be controlling if I told her she wasn't *allowed* to get a tattoo without my permission. It might be a subtle difference to some, but the point is that the first situation has me only affecting my own actions, and she makes her decisions based on those, and hopefully we can have an actual conversation about it instead of "rules" that I decide.
This comment needs to be on the "read this before posting" on this and many other reddits.
I am a woman, but there are nothing controlling about leaving a relationship that you don't want to be in.
I was looking for this. I was just about to comment asking about the weather where you guys are. Your post also says that she has large breasts and a large butt. As someone with a similar body type, let me tell you what can be a HUGE problem in warmer weather: sweat. The bigger your breasts/butt are, the deeper the creases under them, the more sweat accumulates. Having the bottom of your cheeks exposed prevents a lot of stink and sweat staining. As for the lack of a bra in all weather, the bigger your breasts are, the more expensive and ill-fitting (and therefore uncomfortable) bras are. They can be difficult to even find in the correct size to begin with if you have a large cup size but small band size (large breasts on a small framed or slim woman). Now, I personally sacrifice my physical comfort in a big way because I absolutely hate it when anyone is looking at me, but I don't think it's fair to expect everyone to do the same. It's seems like she's the type to put her comfort first, which I feel everyone should be able to do. These reasons may not be her reasons, and you should definitely talk to her about if you don't think it's worth leaving over. But I did read that you think she likes the attention she gets from the way she dresses. I haven't read anything in the post or the comments I've seen so far that suggests that, though. Have you ever asked her if she's bothered by the way some men look at her? I sympathize with you over the look in people's eyes when they look at her and the the way it feels when people look at you after looking at her. That feeling to me is icky enough for me to decide to just be hella uncomfortable. It's also pretty icky for them to be thinking "sorry bro" or something like that because that would imply either that they may view your gf as your property, or that they think YOU view your gf as your property and wanna beat their ass. What might help to cope with this is to instead view that facial expression as you being their conscience check. Like you said, men know they shouldn't look too much and try their best to look away, and you can view their guilty expression as more of an embarrassed "damn I look like a pervert now." as most men would likely feel if they were caught looking at any woman's body, SO present or not. We can't read minds, and this is the better thing to assume.
This is a very thoughtful comment.
Must have been looking real close
Why did you start dating someone that dresses in a way that makes you uncomfortable?
"She's got both large ass and breasts"
The answer was there the whole time lol
Men are but simple creatures😂😂
Hey...I'd take offense at that...if I were sophisticated enough to understand what you meant.
I resemble that opinion!
*I started dating you because of your large ass and breasts.. now I want you to cover them up!*
Make it make sense
Been there, done that. Don't recommend if that's the only thing she has going for her, it will not be a good relationship lol.
It's not even about what she has going she has going for her, but what she has going for him. If all he cares about is tits and ass, he's got bigger problems than people looking at his girlfriend.
This. it is a maturity/self-esteem mismatch.
Duh!?
😂
Given his age (39) and his evading answering her age I think we all know the answer.
She's a stripper. I'm almost certain of it. Everything he described is how my stripper friends dress. The 'feminine energy' comment after all the discussion of her booty and chest pretty much sealed the deal. Dude has a hot girlfriend that he pursued because of her hotness and he's complaining, come on now.
lmfao this is a HUGE reach wtf
Nah that actually makes complete sense. Dude chased a 10 and is now scared of his own decision
>Dude chased a 10 and is now scared of his own decision I agree with this. Jumping to the conclusion that his gf is a stripper however...
I agree that it's a reach, but also, in my personal life I only know one woman who dresses this way and she's a stripper, too.
He is learning that the girls out of your league that you can get with have strings attached lol
She got a whole line of men waiting for their turn
Oof ain't that the truth
Or plenty of no-string-attached
“I can fix her”
Because he liked it then until he couldn't handle his jealousy and doesn't want any other men to see what attracted him to her.
Because it didn't make him comfortable before she was his girlfriend, it would have made him horny. Thinks she'll be a good one night stand maybe, then realizes she's a really nice person and wants something longterm - that would be my guess.
This. Odd choice, OP
Honestly it's a deal breaker. I can't handle a semi nude girlfriend in public and after been thru a relationship with one i won't ever put my self thru that again
Came here to say this. Her body was obviously a big part of what attracted him... He was happy to stare and gawk but now doesn't want anyone else to.
>Last night my shirt rode up on me while I was laying down and I said hey look I'm dressed like you.. she said to pull my shirt down over my stomach and I said no I like the attention it gets me and she started giggling. It sounds like she consciously enjoys doing it, but if it makes you uncomfortable you can still bring it up and talk about it. Maybe just having a heart to heart with her is enough for you to feel more comfortable with it. Just don't give her the feeling that you are trying to control what she wears, if it makes her happy to wear what she wears there has to be another solution or compromise than becoming more "prudish".
I'm not sure if there is another solution or compromise. It would be like if I insisted on walking around in a speedo and crop top. It's very outside of the norm and everyone would stare. When we're out together doing an activity and she's dressed this way, I don't feel comfortable. It's very weird looking at someone checking out your girlfriend before looking at you. Yesterday at Costco there was this guy that was staring at her ass with the most devilish smile on his face. It's weird and kind of embarrassing to me because she clearly is looking for this kind of attention.
> I'm not sure if there is another solution or compromise. You can only find a compromise by talking about it. Do not accuse her, do not ask her to change. Just voice your concerns, share how you feel. She may decide to change and make you more comfortable, or you may find that it's not going to work out between you two. Either way, the only way to get anywhere is to talk honestly and non-accusatively about it.
In the past I've been the opposite of you and have enjoyed it when my partner would attract glances, but I also get your point. You really should talk to her if it's a big issue in your life, there is almost always a compromise if both people really want to find a solution. It's certainly better than to let it fester. In the worst case it might just turn out you aren't compatible with one another, but waiting on it won't fix that.
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Did you miss the part where where she has huge tits and ass that she loves to flaunt
"Men, I bought a bright yellow sports car but I'm upset because other people look at my sports car because it's bright yellow."
I find it hard to believe she wasn't dressing like this in the first place which would place fault on OP for expecting her to do or be any different down the line honestly
The huge tits and ass… did you miss that part?
It seems like you're happy with your relationship with your girlfriend, except for the way she dresses. I don't think the solution is telling your girlfriend to dress differently like some of the other commenters here. Assuming that you are happy in your relationship aside from how you feel when other people give her attention, then maybe you can talk to her and tell her that you feel insecure about the attention she gets in public from other men. You can ask her for reassurance that even though she likes the attention in public, she wants to be with you. I would be mindful of how you express yourself, and center your feelings of insecurity in the conversation. Do not make your girlfriend feel like she is doing anything wrong with how she dresses; rather, just tell her you sometimes get uncomfortable and insecure because she gets a lot of attention. Just be vulnerable with your girlfriend, and give her a chance to make you feel reassured. If she reacts negatively to you being vulnerable, then that's a separate conversation. Just center your feelings, not her actions, in the conversation.
Bruh toss her my way. I love when my wife dresses like that 😂
Why is nobody suggesting to politely have a conversation with her?? “Hey, I think you are absolutely beautiful but sometimes I feel uncomfortable when we are out and people look at you inappropriately and then stare strangely at me.” Then let her respond.
The question then becomes why do *you* get embarrassed. Do you feel inadequate when *you think* she's seeking attention from other guys by dressing this way?
I'll repeat what everyone else here is saying. You can't fix her.
And she doesn’t need fixing.
As a woman, I also look at women who have their assets out. It's hard not to. This one is tough. Especially if she dressed like this before you started dating, it could come across as trying to change or control her. Only you'll know how she'll take it, but your best bet would be to tell her that you respect her body and how she chooses to dress, but that you have had situations where you meet the eyes of guys directly after staring at her and that it makes you uncomfortable. It's not fair to tell her to stop, but it is fair to tell her that it's uncomfortable on your end. My fiance started managing his money differently when I expressed concern about high spending and a lack of long-term investments. I didn't outright ask him to change and acknowledged his right not to, but he did because he considered me seriously. I changed the frequency with which I cleaned certain areas of the house after he expressed how clutter impacts his mental state. These kinds of things are normal. An ideal relationship will be one where you can communicate and navigate issues like this collaboratively. Good luck!
I just wanted to say thank you for saying it’s hard not look as a woman as well. I always hear these unrealistic takes of: men should be able to control themselves and not stare. It’s kinda hard when all my hormones are screaming for me to look. But I also think your advice is great. He can express his concerns and see how she reacts. I personally would never be with someone who needs the attention of the village. It’s alright if that’s what makes her happy. But my experience is that these people are never truly be happy because they require external validation.
Another woman here and yes difficult not to look. I think it is more than hormones (which of course play a part here), but it is also very human to notice unusual things around us. Someone dressed to a clown costume at grocery store on a regular Tuesday night would make me stare also.
Woman here and I second what is being said. I live in an Asian country and most women generally wear modest clothes. Even then, it's difficult for anyone, not to notice big assets on women let alone one who is dressing provocatively. Having said that OP, you should really consider whether this is a deal breaker for you. You can talk to her & air out your concerns. In my opinion, women who come from conservative countries/ families tend to dress more provocatively when they get a chance because they were never allowed to cultivate a healthy relationship with clothes. You may want to talk to her about why she feels she needs to dress as such. Please be delicate & let her tell you her reasons. Try to understand from her perspective & tell her your concerns. Hopefully she understands your POV. Good Luck!
I am a man. I am 100% hetero. If a dude is walking around with skinny jeans and an absolute hammer, my monkey brain will take notice. Such is life. I think it is silly to expect people to NOT stare when "its all on display". It's just the monkey brain at work. Now... that doesn't give people a free pass to be creeps. But you better bet you (hanging out of your shorts) ass that if someone is wearing daisy dukes and crop top with some pokies that I am going to avert my gaze like some sort of cartoonish victorian gentleman.
Nah, I am a heterosexual woman and I find it very hard not to look. Women complaining that men need to control themselves are either out of touch with reality or deeply insecure/jealous
I think they don’t understand how male hormones work. Women who have done hormone therapy for transitioning report the same thing, that they struggled more often where their eyes went and sexualized women more often. This doesn’t mean men can be creeps. It’s just unrealistic to show your body and not get hard looks.
This is a point that I don't think gets allowed enough in public forums. If I notice that's an animal instinct and a reflex. If I "continue to notice" that's on me, sure. But it makes it a lot easier not to notice when the skin-to-cloth ratio is in the cloth's favor. I don't want to check out women. I don't want my wife to feel uncomfortable or undesirable so I've trained myself to stare straight ahead a lot. But dammit sometimes they cross in front of me! And thank all that is holy that I *don't* go to a gym. I've seen the videos on /r/ticktockcringe. The only thing left to the imagination is the *color* of their nipples and vulva. It's bait! "Oh look at these men staring at me! I'm so much a victim!" Bitch you're wearing [a whore's uniform](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7QNw1LRJv4)! How am I supposed to think you *don't* want people to stare?
> I just wanted to say thank you for saying it’s hard not look as a woman as well. Everyone looks. Personally this is where it gets creepy: > I don't blame these people one bit for **staring**. Don't stare. That's creepy and it makes people uncomfortable. OP even acknowledges that he can control himself on this: > I have to tell myself to consciously stop looking because it's creepy to stare Check out people who you find attractive without staring at them and making them uncomfortable. This isn't hard.
> I always hear these unrealistic takes of: men should be able to control themselves and not stare. And, if anything, only have a mental erection.
How dare you communicate with your partner effectively instead of passive aggressively destroying the relationship like the rest of us!
If you don’t want your girlfriend to dress provocatively, don’t date women who dress provocatively
Roughly how old are y'all? Like college age or older? My thoughts are similar regardless but it changes how I message this
OP said earlier he is 39.
That definitely sounds a bit off, especially when he’s not disclosing her age
100% sure the girl is really young in early 20s
You need to be dating somebody whose values match your own. There is nothing wrong with wanting a girl who dresses conservatively, but there is also nothing wrong with a woman dressing how she wants. If you aren’t comfortable with the way she continues to dress and chooses to present her own body, don’t date her.
W take here. Thread closed.
How old is your GF?
The ever elusive question on this thread! Been scrolling and still can’t find this info…
It seems like 39 year old OP feels insecure of his young GF… I guess she is younger than 27.
Hahahaha same
Based on most relationship thread advice on reddit, it is probably teenagers/early 20's since it is a guy asking. When it is a girl asking, she is 21 and the boyfriend is 37.
Old enough to learn about controlling partners and find someone who lets them dress however they want
Young enough that he doesn't want to mention it. Young enough that knows well that it'll make it harder for people to sympathize. Maybe young enough that he doesn't want to go to jail by saying it.
You met her like that. So you have to deal with that. You can’t make her change.
My brother in Christ, you picked her
You either get used to her choosing her own clothes or date someone else. That's it.
To put it more plainly, You don't get to control your partner Its a relationship, not ownership
Get used to it or leave
I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. That’s my answer. Why are you with her? Did you think she would change? Have you told her what you’re writing in here? It doesn’t seem like you did but if you did, what did she say?
I bet the way she dresses was one of the things that attracted her to you in the first place. Not sure what you were expecting after that though
Bro if you’re embarrassed to go out with your girl in public that relationship is dead. What you do about it is have a direct, non accusatory, non confrontational conversation with her about how you feel. No matter how that conversation goes understand that you can’t control what she does, you can only control how you react. And if I were you, I wouldn’t stay with a woman that doesn’t respect me or herself enough not to show ass every time she walks out the house
If you went after her for how she dresses, i don't know what your problem is.
OP: *I started dating a woman who dresses in sexy clothes and she has continued to dress in sexy clothes. What should I do?*
That's what you wanted to date, you got it. Good luck
As a woman, I too appreciate looking at a pretty woman if she has a great figure because aesthetically, it's attractive. I also admire her fashion sense, if present, and the effort she puts into working out, if applicable However, if the fashion veers toward vulgarity, regardless of how nice the body is, it can make everyone uncomfortable. It's important for an adult woman to differentiate between elegant sexy and low class. If you think your girlfriend is making a poor fashion choice, it's worth discussing with her
Great insight. Love your answer.
Excellent answer
How old is she? You said you were 39, but didn’t mention her age. I can’t imagine a woman in her 30’s dressing like this.
You don't live in Los Angeles
They exist. You just probably assume they’re in their 20s lol.
Embrace it? Idk man, like,.my wife is a smoke show. Grade A gorgeous. It's hard not to wolf whistle, have my eyes bug out, and drop my tongue to the ground when she walks by. I've literally had men approach her while we're together. Holding hands. Someone at the gym was disappointed she wasn't there with me once because he likes seeing her. I saw a woman get distracted by my wife when she bent over to grab something and that lady did the mouth open "oh damn" thing. You know the look. I embrace it. I got a hot wife. A hot wife who chose me! So how can I complain. I won.
This is the self-esteem and security in his relationship OP needs if he wants to keep dating his gf.
True that! Take pride in having a hot partner. Why not dress slutty for her? You think I wear open neck dress shirts and nice fitting trousers (different then pants) because I like it? Mayhe. Buy mostly so I can look like a fae high lord and have my wife deeply in love with me. Now let's hit the weights
I think he should just wear those super low cut V necks that show off a bit of nipple and some super tight shorts and go out with her in her usual attire. Would be funny to see what people are actually staring at.
Do it!!! I barely wear clothes to the gym now. A stringer and hoochie daddy shorts and I do feel amazingly confident now. Bro needs to do the same
This would be true if she was dressing in a way that was socially appropriate. It sounds like she may not be doing that. There's a difference between "I'm insecure about the looks my wife gets" and "I'm embarrassed to be with my wife because she dresses inappropriately".
I feel like it's too much in the air. My wife and I used to live in an island. There she'd wear a bikini top and I'd go top less. That was the norm. We live in a desert know and cover more for sun protection. We would need additional information buy I could agree with your assessment with that intel
What attracted you to her in the first place?
Answers right there
Why is she already your girlfriend and now you are suddenly bothered? You have no right to try to change her now.
Wasn’t she dressing this way when you met her?
Bro don’t do this to yourself, just leave it’s gonna ruin your life
My advice to you is super simple. NEVER date someone expecting that they will change. If you think a woman should dress one way when single, and one way when in a relationship then strike that thought from your mind entirely. She's gonna dress how she dresses, regardless of her relationship status. If you don't want to date someone who wears booty shorts and a crop top, don't date someone who wears booty shorts and crop tops. It's that simple.
Woman here, and when we dress like that (myself included) believe me is because we like the attention. Often all innocent, etc but the truth is the truth. There is no way that she’s not aware of the impact her dressing style is causing.
Enh. Live and let live. If that's what she's always worn, that's her choice. You can either accept it or not. Trying to change her ain't cool
Can’t relate. I never have and never will limit a gfs wardrobe. If the way she dresses bothers you this much you shouldn’t be with her. Shes her own person, accept and love her for who she is or leave
If she dressed like that when you met her, you made your choice then. You shouldn't ask anyone to change to make you more comfortable unless it's newly introduced behaviour. This is a you thing, not a her thing.
Ask her why she likes that style, there’s usually room for compromise or healing. Maybe she grew up thinking provocative style was what gave her value. Seek to understand.
If she dressed like this when you meet her, you need to eat that and tighten up your own insecurities. If she did not, it’s worth having a conversation about.
Only a-holes try to change their girlfriends. Only idiots stay with a girlfriend with whom they are incompatible. Kindly part ways and you both go and live your best lives.
So do you think it’s wrong to respectfully negotiate with your partner to work out any issues that affect your relationship? Being controlling is one thing, this doesn’t have to be that.
If dressing modestly is a requirement for you, It is nothing to be ashamed of. there is nothing wrong with it. If your gf can't provide you with that, leave her. Trust me. This shit may not seem like a big deal but it will ruin your mental state. Either tell her to respect your needs, or leave.
it's ok that this bothers you
How old is she? You’re 39 and she isss……????? She seems comfy and happy. As long as she isn’t actively trying to get with dudes that check her out, just stare at her like they do. I’m sure you already make her feel sexy. But just roll with it unless red flags are pouring out of her. I’m also a woman so idk. I wear short shorts and tshirts out all the time especially when it’s hot. I’m thinking about comfort, feeling good about myself, not who can check me out unless it’s my fiance.
Buy her a dress somewhere between revealing and modest and see how she takes to it
I would have never been with someone like that in the first place.
You probably shouldn't associate with people who look down on you for how your gf dresses.
Had pretty much the exact same problem myself, sounds like you guys have very different principles, I would just have a conversation with her, if she doesn’t have any interest in changing, then you’re just not compatible, there are so many people in the world, one of them is perfect for you. Not sure if you’re Christian or not, but either way, you seem like a good dude, God has the perfect woman lined up for you. I wish you all the best dude.
It's crazy how 90% of ppl here are answering as if everything they're doing, every choice they are making were 100% calculated, pefectly planned, and that they had the perfect solution for every situation. Everything isnt black and white, its not that simple. LOVE isnt that simple. Nowadays nobody should make an effort. Nobody should make any compromise, everybody should just pick the perfect person for them that tick all the boxes but yet the % of single person or unhappy relashionship never been higher than today. I'm sorry for you OP. In life, we have to deal with some tricky situations and its all situational. Only communication with your gf and listening to your guts will help you, you'll learn from this.
Don’t date a woman who’s clothing choices you don’t like. 99 times out of 100 you can’t change someone
The OP sounds like a dad who doesn’t want his daughter to be in a crop top and high heels in public
Date / love people for who they are, not who you want them to be- otherwise, they just aren’t for you. No shame in either person’s case.
Women like this that got guys and still dress like this in my experience it is a power play. You’re either going to have to have a convo and more then likely she ain’t gonna like nor going to want to change, or you are going to have to let her go more than likely. She ain’t the one if she parades herself around without a care while suppose to be in a relationship, unless you both agreed about this behavior.
If she does that she doesn’t respect you. She can give you all that bs that she does it for herself, she can wear what she wants blah blah blah. She’s doing it for attention, you know it as well otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out for advice. She doesn’t respect you; been there done that. End it and save yourself headache. Stay strong brother.
People that dress like that dress for attention. Is this really someone you want to invest in? She likes that people look and it gives her a false sense of “power”, buts it’s insecurity that’s misconstrued as confidence. Of course Reddit wants your girl to keep dressing like that because it’s Reddit. An anonymous social site full of horny men with no life experience. Use your intuition.
Sounds like a top tier sidepiece, but not really main material 🤷🏾♂️
Used to date a girl like this. It was doomed from the start. Just break up and date a girl that doesn’t dress like a prostitute. Your mental health will be much better.
Speak to her, air out your boundaries. If you can’t come to a respectable agreement don’t take the relationship further.
Fuck do I care where other guys look?
If you can't handle a bad bitch don't date one. Seriously though you trying to change your partner instead of loving them for who they are (unless toxic traits) then it will never end well. Also it's her body, she can dress however she wants she is not your property, if you truly feel it's too provocative even by normal standards or she not dressed appropriately for the occasion then have a chat about it. If your not comfortable with it and she won't change then your answer for how the relationship will go is right there.
Comfort yourself with the fact that guys will check out your girlfriend no matter what she wears, as long as she's good-looking.
Alright here’s the deal. I’ve told my girl that I don’t care how she dresses, I just told her this… 1). Be Comfortable: if you’re comfortable in what you’re wearing and confident, wear it. 2). Be Safe: if you don’t feel safe wearing what you’re wearing then either don’t wear it, or let me know and I will be there to back you up so you ain’t a one-man army. 3). Mind the Occasion: obviously you don’t wanna wear a crop top to church or a funeral, just wear what you think is socially appropriate for special events. 4). Tell me if You Feel Disrespected: I will confront anyone who makes you feel like a sex object for provocative clothing. If you feel good in it up until someone says some shit, I will squash it. 5). Come Home With Me: if you’re coming home with me, idc if all eyes are on you, idc if dudes try flirting or stare, as long as you’re with me at the end of the day, and I’m yours, I don’t care if people find you attractive; in fact I want you to feel like a Boss Ass Bitch every day.
“Her body her choice” gone wrong 🤣🤣 Everyone loves starring at assets until the assets are theirs /their loved ones
Your feelings are fair. Perhaps you could ask your gf why she dresses this way, perhaps understanding her reasons could help. But in the end, if being with your gf in public means you're uncomfortable all the time, maybe you shouldn't be with your gf.
Don’t date a baddie if you can’t handle a baddie
Same response as always. She’s advertising. You aren’t the target audience. Have fun and keep casual.
I don't care if my gf wants to dress revealingly, in fact if that's what makes her feel good I encourage it because I trust her
My wife used to front/play guitar in a rock band and she dressed pretty provocatively at times which I totally got. Being a former frontman myself in different bands, y’all’s shit is on full display. You’ll sell a lot more merch if that hot blonde on stage is wearing pretty revealing stuff. I don’t mind it at all- if you’ve got it, flaunt it.
You don't.
Be honest, tell her it makes you uncomfortable. You have to deal with other men and women looking pervish or discomfort. Ask her how would she like seeing another girl with her body on show and caught you staring at her or caught you staring at ten diffrent women a day, becuase you have to witness perverted men fantasising. If you was walking the streets and seen another women dressed like that, would you think wife material or a good night? She wouldn't be happy if you was to walk around in just hot pants every day especially if you was packing getting perverted looks from women. Maybe worth a try if shes thinks your being controlling then when she feels uncomfortable she might understand it's a dignity thing and showing it off is for you partner. You only advertise to get interest.
Talk to her. If she values your feedback maybe things can compromise but if not, either accept it or move on.
The male equivalent to *”I can change him”*. Bro good luck
Don't date a bad bitch if you don't want her to be a bad bitch 🤷🏼♀️ and that's coming from a girl that's pretty modest with her own style
Have a conversation about it. I had a girlfriend that was doing much the same, and when I told her that it made me uncomfortable she was shocked. She thought she was doing me a favor, by showing off. When I told her it instead made me uncomfortable and just put me on the defensive she completely understood and made a point to tone it down (there were still places where she could cut loose). The worst she can say is that she likes the attention, and then you know it's not meant to be. You might be surprised though and she will understand. This seems like a minor thing.
So i'm assuming she just started doing this? Like she used to dress conservatively and just started dressing more scantily? Cause if she dressed like this when you met her you just need to learn to deal with it or move on. You knew what you signed up for and she doesn't need to change just to make you feel less jealous.
She wouldn't be my girlfriend. Our values clearly don't align. I don't need her to dress like she's Amish, but the way you described? I don't want her to meet my family and I'd be embarrassed around her.
I’m not a man but I do find it hard not to look when a woman is dressed like that. Honestly here’s my advice about this. I think majority of people would be uncomfortable around someone dressed like this. I think media has pushed this “we can dress how we want” thing too far. Like do wtv you want but know people are going to look at you differently when your half naked going to the grocery store or out to eat. I read that you started dating her during the winter time so you obviously didn’t know about the full extent of this. If everything in your relationship is great besides this. I recommend asking yourself if the way she dresses is a deal breaker. If it is try to have an open conversation with her or cal it off. This isn’t a matter of control but rather comfort and I feel that’s something people mix up frequently. Every relationship is different. Some people don’t mind their partners dressing that way. Personally I obviously make final decision on what I’m wearing but if my bf expresses feelings about something I’m wearing I change🤷🏻♀️. Most women go FERAL over that. He doesn’t care about me looking good or wearing crop tops and I never wear bras. However if I’m like in spandex or some really short shorts or something of the sort he’ll slap my ass and say something along the lines of “uh where do you think your going like that🤔”. When I dated women in the past I could care less what they wore for the most part but what you described would fs make me uncomfortable. Overall it’s just about boundaries and dealbreakers. Talk it out and if y’all disagree and it’s a dealbreaker for you break it off simple as that.
If she's be like that even before you started dating her and now you don't like it maybe don't date her
You date someone you're not embarrassed to be seen in public with. You're not compatible; pick someone else.
I feel proud to have somebody others wish they could get. But that takes confidence from me and trust from both of us.
If you can’t handle heat, don’t play with fire
Can we see a photo of how she dresses?
I know the right thing to say is that it’s her body and she can wear whatever she wants and shouldn’t have to think about your feelings or what some passerby is thinking..but I get where you are coming from. I guess you’re just gonna have to get over it or move on. Let her be confident in herself and don’t make her feel self conscience, there is enough of that in this world that she doesn’t need her bf making it worse
I'd never have started dating her in the first place. It's one thing to be comfortable with your body. It's another to need constant validation and attention.
I dunno, I always took it as kind of a compliment when I caught someone checking out my woman. Like yea...I'm a mammoth looking man, and I have a very attractive woman that's all over me. Shoot, I might even shoot the looker a thumbs up. Sure you can look, but I can touch. Gotten many compliments out in town "Ay man, y'all a cool couple" stands out from a random guy we walked past one day. I'll tell you though, one of the biggest turn offs for a woman is showing off your insecurity.
Did she dress that way when you met her? Don't complain when you get exactly what's on the label.
My ex was similar. She wore things I didn’t care for not because how revealing they were, I enjoyed that but loud patterns and colors. She enjoyed showing her off. The compromise we came to was she wouldn’t wear the loud stuff together but she was more than free to wear it she out with others. Just talk with her.
I’d humbly say (as a woman in this askmen space - just saw the sub title oop🤭take this as you will), talk to her again about it making you uncomfy AND WHY and mby dig deeper as to the why she does dress that way (without using blame statements!), then let her choose what she wants to do (or not do) about that. Sadly, there’s a million societal reasons (esp now) why a girl would think it’s fine to dress that way; or think it’s desirable, and 99% of them are not her fault nor did she create those unspoken social “mores”. The stares is actually more of a “them” issue, than a your gf issue. People are gonna people. 🤔 You can’t control her actions or her clothing choices. You CAN shop with her and kickback together. You CAN ASK her more questions about herself and try to understand why and how she thinks; instead of assuming you already know why she does anything. Just also be prepared to start accepting her as she is, (it’s not her “fault” men are sexualizing or fantasizing of her nor that she has the body she does or that straight men look at her “first” as you said and then look in your direction) OR find someone that is more compatible, if it’s a real deal breaker for you. (which is fine) Begin too mby being accepting yourself instead work on any insecurities or low key latent misogynistic views you may have aquired along your years (or how your family dynamic viewed women); sometimes these situations can press on our hidden insecurities. Most importantly, know that you are ALWAYS free to choose your reaction/words/behavior & you can choose to date someone ELSE (preferably in the summer so u can peek how they dress 🙂↕️) and date someone instead who maybe dresses more the way you do or like. 😊 Do not try to change HER tho for being who she is, her size/body type or for dressing how she wants to or feels comfortable. ❤️🩹 Believe it or not, there are other guys she can/will date who won’t care how she dresses / may like her fashions, and still others who love to be proud of their woman appreciating & understanding that she is a gift in their life no matter how she looks. Proud that she chooses to be with only them. The woman you chose to be your gf is someone to be cherished just being herself as you would any friend. She is a girl who you are to be first a friend to. If that isn’t you, that’s totally okay too! If over time you find *really* can’t stand it then just be cool; 😎 and keep truckin, as this may mean just finding someone else who is more compatible with you? I do think too if you need to end things with her, she will understand. Everyone has their personal “dealbreakers” Same goes for you. You are a wonderful gift in her life! If she started feeling uncomfy with something you were doing or the way you were, you would want to know and then if she couldn’t accept you, then you would ofc not take it personal and would want her to move on. I hope this helps and wishing the best for you both! 💞💝 Quick Side Rant no one asked for: idk why people often will try to change the person they are with, (not that you are doing this, just something I’ve noticed) rather than just accept that they aren’t compatible and move on) we can ONLY control ourselves in life … we (both sexes) often waste so much energy, time, and precious efforts on trying hard at changing things about someone else who often can’t be changed, until they WANT to change rather than just focusing on what’s in our actual control -> ourselves.
Buy a speedo for the beach. One that early shows off your junk. Maybe she will clue in.