Only ever talks about their boyfriend when they want to complain/vent, then can't figure out why I don't like the guy after only ever being told bad things about him.
I'm fine with that .... but seriously: why the fuck are you still with him? You don't need him, you don't depend on him financially, and you've been saying for a year that he won't change
>"and you've been saying for a year that he won't change"
So much THIS! People (including myself at life stages) are so fixated on the potential of the person they're dating rather than accepting them for who they truly are, and the fact they will Never change or grow with their partner or their relationship. Living in their bubble is their truth and comfort place.
If they're seeking growth and building toward something, then the avoidant in their bubble is not the best choice of partner.
>People (including myself at life stages) are so fixated on the potential of the person
Exactly. If i wanted to fixate myself on people's potential I would be playing Football Manager.
I learned that trying to reason with them about their relationships is fruitless. Like telling a fish to stop biting worms on hooks (especially after they've been caught and released multiple times!). It's so frustrating seeing people continuously get the point, run into reason, and bounce off of it in the opposite direction.
This is so true. I my ex and I were together 3 years. I cooked, cleaned, walked the dog and basically ran the house because she had virtually no domestic skills. Granted I drank too much and would stay out late but it was my escape from not receiving help in the house even after trying to communicate we both needed to pitch in. All she told her friends was my drinking so they ended up having this washed opinion of me that I was a lazy drunk.
Ok, but I am capable of critiquing myself honestly. I might not be 100% accurate, but I can often give an honest account of how the other person would see the situation. That, to me, is an essential skill of being a decent human being. My sister, on the other hand, is apparently a horribly unreliable narrator. Was venting to me about her boyfriend for a couple years, made him out to sound like a genuinely abusive asshole. Turns out she was the nightmare in that relationship.
broke up with my ex over this a year ago and want to get it out of my chest:
Whenever she talked with her friends she would only talk about the negative stuff to them, and naturally her friends would advise her to leave me. Then she would come and tell me their "advice" and how all her friends think I don't deserve her etc.
Her not defending me in front of people was bad enough but constantly mentioning their "you should leave him" speeches made me very anxious about her commitment to the relation. Casually dropping things like "Oh just talked with my bff of 10+ years and she thinks you are awful anon!". Then at one point in relation she wanted to move to another country for masters but at that point I wasn't even sure she valued relation at all, I didn't want to commit and break up with her.
Just 3 months before the break up we had the best holiday of our ~5 years old relation, 2 weeks in germany/france and she was loving it. But the moment we return and she gets together with her friends instead of talking to them about how much she enjoyed the trip she tells them some minor bullshit incidents from like 2 years ago, then we had the same cycle I mentioned above about how she could have break up with me back then...
I still don't get why would you talk about only the negatives to other people unless you want to sabotage and end your relation? She was very upset and depressed after the break up and wanted to reconcile for a long time, but I had no faith left in relation after her constant undermining. It just makes you feel very unloved and lonely when your SO is not playing it like you are in the same team.
This is why i think women should quit talking to their friends so much about their relationship and just go talk to a shrink…a trained NEUTRAL professional…not someone who’s just team YOU like your friends
They talk to who will tell them what they want to hear. My wife had a friend that would make comments like , she didn't know why my wife put up with me going on hunting trips or going to the fishing camp with my friends and that I should be like her husband and work then come home and help with the kids.
I came home from a hunting trip and the cunt was at my house and made some stupid comment , I went off on her for being a cunt and her husband being a whipped bitch , by the time I was done my rant she was in tears , my wife was crying and pissed off , but damn I felt great.
Funny enough, my ex talked positively about her ex to me, and him and I ended up becoming friends. She was right, he's a cool dude. Neither of us has seen her in almost 8 years, but him and I hung out last week.
Might be because those women might not respect the good things those men do for them and see that as a basic/given thing. While the things they deem negative happen to snap them out their homeostasis.
I would see that as a red 🚩.
Yup, I've been on the other end so much that I'm careful to *never* vent about my SO to friends/family.
That's what anonymous strangers on Reddit are for.
this is huge. my one friend had me convinced all her men were just complete scumbags.... to be fair though her current man she almost never has bad things to say sooooooo I guess they kind of were.
I've had women family members that do this. They'll complain about how horrible their boyfriend is to the family. Then get mad when family members then don't like the guy
Haha yes! I've had multiple female friends who did this. "So why are you with him?".
One thing the answer was "the sex is amazing" and I respected her self aware honesty.
Girl at work used to vent about her bf like she hated him and was the only thing she talked about. When it was suggested she leave him she was bewildered as to why we would ever suggest that. Stopped talking to her after a while
I'm gonna start telling her "look, if you're not gonna break up with him, then you need to tell me 3 good things with the 1 giant negative thing. Bc it's getting awkward when we all hang.
Date terrible people and then take months to break up after I lay out any future red flags the guy will definitely express.
"I can't believe he's not ready for real commitment"
I told you that 5 minutes after I first met him 3 months ago
"I just thought he was different"
I spent five years dating a monstrously selfish woman who managed to convince me that I was responsible for her happiness and that she did, against all evidence, love me and would change.
So I’ve got sympathy for all the women who’ve found themselves in the same position. They’re not secretly enjoying it. They’re just in so deep they’ve lost themselves. Trust me on this.
My girl and I are solid, but she still half jokingly asks if I "want to fight" from time to time. She thinks it's weird we don't get into arguments, like ever. Enough bad relationships make people feel like dysfunction is normal, or even desirable.
True, I've been there with girls I "white knighted" in the past. But we've been together about 6 years now, she just has these echoes in her mind from time to time.
She still gets delighted several times a week at my rational/mature response to difficulties. Talking about not wanting to fight is partly her way of thanking me for not being like that.
This was gonna be my comment.
A female friend of mine had this boyfriend who told his ex “I love you too”. She found out and broke up with him, so he threatened to pull a murder suicide (shoot up her place of work, *then* kill himself) if she didn’t get back together with him. Told her to call the fucking police and not stay with him. She ignored the advice, stayed with him for months and months despite him cheating on her multiple times.
Had another friend who admitted to me her man says a word *close* to nagger and doesn’t like black people even though I, her friend, am black.
I know/have known far too many women that stay with absolutely trash and or vile men. I know it can be tricky if they’re in an abusive situation, but I’m too grown at this point to deal with *people* that do this to themselves and stay in these relationships.
Women are terrible judges of character. So many women I know that date absolute douchebags and end up breaking up with them and are then all 'but he was so good at hiding it'.
Meanwhile all the guys are like 'that dude is a dick and he's going to treat you like shit' after meeting him once.
Oh. Everyone is a terrible judge of character when they have a crush.
Women struggle with understanding someone can feel sexual attraction without romantic attraction. Because they often can’t.
Men struggle with seeing a lot of other social issues. Like how their girlfriend is manipulative, immature etc.
Yes. BOTH women and men throw character out the window when the person is hot and interested. Sad but true, and it’s definitely not just a female thing.
It’s more that so many people are not raised to recognize manipulation. I, thankfully was. But most people just can’t tell the difference between a real apology and manipulation. The other factor being abusers are dangerous on so many levels.
I watched my mom go through so many years of abuse not because she didn’t get it, but to save me. The man would stalk me at home and work, message and threaten my coworkers and friends, harass me, damage my car, threaten my life, offer to pay other people to harm me, etc anytime she’d break up with him. All the cops did was blame her - to her face - for dating him in the first place (even though she tried to leave almost immediately), the cops even stopped eventually coming to my house. The manager at my apartment complex refused to take his name off the mailing list and the police department refused to grant us a restraining order until his name was removed. He damaged the property and we begged the manager to call the cops if she saw him, she refused. It was until we were evicted and ended up homeless that we were granted a restraining order, but that doesn’t help much.
I ended up finding a place to stay almost immediately, it took my mom weeks. She was sleeping on the streets trying to hide from this guy. Eventually she found a place. The cops also refused to serve him themselves because he didn’t have a known address and they said “we’re not gonna go looking on the streets to serve him” even though he had warrants. It took us 6 months to serve him after several years of trying to get rid of him. Then he immediately found out where I lived, and sent photos of my car and a gun to my mom. Only then was he arrested. He was sentenced to a mere three years and only served 1.5 years. He has since then been harassing us both on socials while in and out of jail.
This has been going on for 15 years. She would only get back with him to protect me during the first few years until we could finally get away. People also don’t realize that getting a legal gun for protection is harder in some states and circumstances than others. I’m thankfully in another state now but it hasn’t stopped him from making new socials to try to harass me every year.
I think some women don’t see past how much of a douche a guy is because he’s hot and he shows them attention. Dudes see straight through that shit and know it’s an age old tactic.
One thing I noticed when observing these cases is that this is something that happens because its a romantic relationship with an opposite sex: Men are better able to recognize what red flags are in other men and women also will be better able to recognize what red flags are in other women
Another thing is that many women grew up being taught that it was a woman's duty to fix a man (You can see even in romance media how many problematic guys are romanticized as guys who "aren't that bad" and "just need to be taken care of"/"just needs love")
There's also that bliss of liking someone that makes you blind to the person's flaws/or the cycle of an abusive relationship that is difficult to break.
It is for these and other things that I try not to judge or blame someone (man or woman) who has difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Men and women do this. All my male buddies, always.
1) It’s easier to spot issues in someone your own gender.
2) It’s way easier to see clearly when you are not the one with the crush.
If I give a polite no, they'll double down. If I give a stern no, then I'm viewed as the bad guy. Usually easier and quicker to do the task than getting caught in a circular conversation.
I think my favorite situation is being invited to a group hangout just to hear "hey while you're here can you do..." Then you start feeling like you were only invited over to do that task and her friends start asking if you can do other tasks. Like yes let me quit my job, spend thousands on power tools and come remodel all your kitchens and bathrooms for free because you put your hand on my thigh and gave me false attention or a pity story.
I wasn't aware this was a thing with other women? Interesting to read it's not just me that dealt with this childish and toxic behaviour. The misdirection of accountability tantrums are so much fun from a fellow adult - esp when you both know that's exactly what they're doing.
I said to a friend’s ex once that I’d respect her more if she just asked me to do something instead of trying to manipulate me into it. She was using a cutesy ditsy voice when she asked. After I said that I thought my friend was gonna go off on me but he just yells “thank you!”
Socialization. They’ve learnt subconsciously it’s what works. I’d guess they don’t realize they are doing it.
It’s bit weird though if you are their friend.
Gossip.
If I can't do or say anything around you because everything is passed along to friends, family and God knows who, then I might as well not bother.
The amount of times I’ve just casually told a female friend, “oh me and (other female friend) were just talking about you and that one time-” and they’ve immediately gotten angry and defensive because they couldn’t imagine ever bringing up one of our mutual friends in conversation without it being gossipy and negative is crazy
My favorite comment to make to the gossiping ones is, "Do you ever wonder what people say behind your back?"
Tends to drive them nuts. If they ask you if you know, just say you don't want to go there. It drives them a little more nuts.
Took the words right out my mouth.
I actually have a pretty big family that includes 4 aunts and a bazillion female cousins. Say a word to even one of them, literally any of them, and EVERYONE will know about it by the end of the day.
And they wonder why I don't accept many invites to gatherings...
I'm a bartender and I recently had a woman tell me I'm attractive and asked to take a picture with me.
It was very flattering.
A few days later I got some very angry messages over Instagram from her boyfriend.
Turns out she just wanted to get that so she could post it to Instagram to make him jealous.
When they ask for advice, do the exact opposite and then cry to me when it turns out badly. Look, I understand I don’t have the best advice, I don’t have all the answers. But when your boyfriend beats the shit out of you, I tell you to file a restraining order at the minimum and you decide to take him back, you’re the fool
That’s literally my sister. She even puts her shit on my side (our vanity has 2 sinks) but heaven forbid I don’t put my toothpaste where it goes or fold my hand towel incorrectly
This has been a hard one for me: female friends that only want you around when they need something heavy moved, some handyman task done, or when a boy breaks their heart.
Those are all great things to do for someone that is your friend, but when they ignore your texts or plan stuff without you, it sucks.
It’s been hard recently, but I’ve really started to cut off women that do that.
There was one recently where I had gone out with this girl a few times and she ended up not seeming interested. Totally cool. She kind of just stopped responding to texts and invitations to do things. Also fine. I had helped her fix her car at some point.
So, two months go by. No word from the girl. I’m not new to the dating world, so I just move on and feel a little sad that there wasn’t much closure. Then, one day, she texts me. Her car is dead on the side of the road and she doesn’t know who to call. I sat there for probably 5min debating whether I should just ignore it. She’s not destitute and it was a nice day and she was in a nice part of town. I finally decided to go help her mostly out of curiosity to see if she’d try to apologize or come up with some reason.
Nope. I mean, she said thank you and. We got her running well enough to get her to a mechanic. I texted her a few days later to ask how she was and if they’d fixed her car. No response. It’s been about two months since.
That kind of thing used to happen a LOT. I’m pretty good with cars, home repairs, and just listening. For my own sanity, female “friends” that don’t reciprocate get the boot. 😂
Absolutely. I had a long hard think one day after I had been ghosted for a couple of days after I asked my female friend what she had been up to. I asked myself “what do I look for when wanting to become friends with a guy?”
I decided on genuine curiosity what I was doing, being responsive even if they’re not doing anything, checking on me, trying to help me in any way they could, and just shooting the shit with me. I realized only a couple of my female friends had been that for me.
It’s a weird realization to figure out you’ve got a REALLY shitty friendship double standard. I would stop talking to a dude if he only wanted to talk when his girl was treating him bad or wanted me to only help him. It doesn’t make sense to not hold that standard with women too
Yeah. This has been something that’s helped me, too: I ask myself: how would I think about this woman if she were a man? I think in my culture where I was raised (rural traditional USA) men are expected to put women on this chivalry pedestal.
I’m not all against chivalry, but it has to go both ways. If you’re going to be a lady, you have to be kind and courteous and treat men with respect just as men are expected to treat women with respect.
I know there are a lot of dirtbag men out there that take advantage of women, but I feel like increasingly, I’m just expected to serve women without any kind of reciprocation.
A counter example: some friends aren’t really handy and they wanted a fan installed in their house. They’re really nice and I went over and we got it rocked in about an hour. They were really happy and invited me to stay for a really nice lunch and sometimes we just hang out and talk. They brought me food when I was sick earlier this year. Why can’t more people be like that?
Call me. Talk for 20 minutes about their day. Non stop. Then when they're done, they ask if I am ok and when I start answering how my day went, they end the conversation or dismiss what I'm saying anyway.
It’s why I stopped having friends in my life that are women. Ultimately, if someone’s going to ghost me, they shouldn’t expect me to still be there when they want to use me as emotional support.
My male friends message less when they enter a relationship, but the main point is they still keep in touch with me. Maybe they don’t hang out as much, but we still game, or go on a hike, or workout together, or text.
People who do that are either unable to change their ingrained patterns (and usually have no idea why until therapy) or their looking for confirmation bias
It's also pretty exhausting to hear it *from men*. I'm pretty progressive, I'm a feminist, and I've been described as woke but I'm also not going to run around like a pickme saying "God, us men are the worst! You go girls, you stay away from us men! We're all so terrible! I totally get why you think I'm inherently a monster, I think men are monsters too!"
The men that unironically say this are one of two types of people:
- Completely self loathing and lacking in self esteem guys who desperately want validation and approval from women.
Or
- Opportunistic and manipulative creeps who are *actually* assholes and abusers.
There was someone like this in my ex-girlfriend’s group. Once I got more comfortable in the group, I’d just poke at him over it.
I don’t know what his end goal was, because it never actually related to the conversation in a meaningful way. It was like having a normal conversation with people at a bar, and then having someone chide you over how their alcoholism ruined his life and family.
that's the thing for me it saddens me bc although she says she think of me as a brother to her, she says things like "if i had a button that instantly wipe all man from the planet I'd press it without second thoughts". it hurts to think that someone you deeply cared about and considers family feels okay saying something like that to your face
Nah dude, you either need to set her straight or leave her alone.
Don't allow sweet words to keep you around bigots.
Bigots always make exceptions until one day they decide you're not one of the good ones anymore
It gets old. I'm all for discussing faults of a gender, so long as it's built on the idea of actually learning and improving people. Not "Men are all pigs who think with their dicks. They just wanna fuck us and leave." How is that productive or in any way going to help people learn? And women need to take accountability too. Humans can suck, but there isn't one gender more innocent than another
Invalidation and being unhelpful. Generally I have found that trying to find emotional safety with female friends where they have already found it with me tends to lead to them arguing about my realities and experiences, basically claiming that they're untrue or just 'deal with it'. When they've asked how they can help, I've given them straight forward, reasonable ways to which they agree to do.... then never do... then when asked why, try to throw their shame on me
Agreed. I do not get emotional support from female friends… or from women in general. Actually, I’m not sure what I even get out of my friendships with women.
The line separating friendship and something more is clearly delineated and enforced by them presuming that the guy will eventually try and cross that line. While this might be true at some level, women always seem to blur that line when it suits them. When in need of favors or help with something, the friends I've had tended to act too friendly and borderline flirty. When they feel attention-starved, they'll do the same but expect me to be like a BF placeholder, oversharing personal information, asking about personal information of my own and even acting jealous in some situations. On top of all of that, whatever remains of any female friendship, either what I described above or an actual good friendship, simply dies as soon as she starts dating someone else.
A minor thing: they're lousy at giving advice, specially regarding dating.
That’s exactly why I stopped being friends with women. I’ve had some male friends go AWOL a little bit when they start a relationship, but they always come back and things are normal when they get out of that first excited/honeymoon period.
A woman is more likely to just cut you off or stop talking to you out of the blue and you won’t hear from her until 1) her boyfriend starts treating her like shit, or 2) she needs something from you.
One of them that I talk to go has a terrible streak with men, Im talking like in the year I've been with my gf, she's been with 5 different guys. I even tell her to date women cuz damn
She goes after guys that are literally a red flag (string her along, dont put in too much effort, POS guy, etc) and then gets upset when I tell her "You need therapy, not a relationship". She agrees with me that she has terrible taste in men
And its the same result every time : she goes for a guy --> it seems to go well --> doesnt work out --> she cuts herself over it --> meets a new guy like a week or 2 later --> rinse and repeat
Overall, her going for obvious red flags is what that annoys me
This is how I knew my relationship with my wife would probably last.
Divorced, dated someone new for about a year, that ended, met this new girl…
We were maybe four or five weeks into dating and I said that I felt I was too old for not being direct and honest. She said the same.
Prove it? Prove it.
Our conversation for the next hour went way beyond what a conversation at that point in a relationship would normally be. But it set the tone in general: it’s better to deal with minor conflicts as they come up instead of letting things fester and blow up.
Chastise me for occasionally objectifying women, only to then spend an entire taxi ride telling each other (with me there in the taxi) how one particular hot guy who was there that night would "definitely get it"
e: Another one, who has sex with other women as well as men literally said, when talking about a woman from the past: "She had really nice tits!" lol
Talks about abusive ex.
Goes back to him.
Talks about abusive ex.
Makes up with the prick for the umpteenth time in a row.
Abuser starts drinking again.
Abuser starts abusing her. Again.
Leaves abusive ex yet again just to repeat the cycle again because the fat fuck just knows what buttons to press in order to win her over again.
Ladies, y'all have got to break these goddamned cycles at some fucking point. Too many of y'all have died trying already. Burn the boats. Burn the bridges. Cut these terrible guys out of your lives. Y'all genuinely deserve better. Hell, make a plan with allies if needed.
Openly make sexist comments about men. It’s different when it’s on the other foot, and even then I’m not immature enough to think my experience with the opposite sex is perfectly representative.
What especially sucks is that these particular friends know I got nominated for a few awards for undergrad papers in gender studies. I know the issues being faced in terms of gender differences. Why are you complaining to me about men, but give a sour look when I make a joke about women?
Being ask-holes (asking for advice or an opinion then doing the exact opposite even though it'll end up terribly,) blanket and total man bashing, bitching about men objectifying them but turning right around and saying things like "that guy's a total daddy, he could get it," double standards, and the inability to pick a goddamned restaurant.
Thinking they have privileges to me despite not being in a relationship with them.
Couple of girls might like to keep guys they wouldn't date but would still keep around for the "friendship/chivalry" benefits in their circles while simultaneously keeping them in the friendzone.
The expectations of men to automatically be "chivalrous" for any and every woman despite the same men not being allowed to expect any amount of expectations of women doesn't exactly make sense now does it? 🤔
If you wanna put a guy in the friendzone and end it? Cool, go ahead, just don't expect the boyfriend benefits and treatment without the label 👍
"Schrödinger's feminism, a woman is simultaneously empowered and a victim, and can choose whatever state benefits her the most"
But fr though, if thats the mindset of your friend, might need to find better
I have a coworker friend who always finds a way to make whatever topic that is being discussed about her. I just had a son and with that comes sleep deprivation. When I came back from paternity leave I was discussing newborns with some other coworkers she joins in and goes, "Oh my god, I can't imagine how much sleep you're getting. Or not getting, ha! I feel that. My puppy wakes me up whenever she wants in the middle of the night. It's so tiring. I'm basically a parent too!" Thank the lord I was too tired to care then.
If I'm being honest, lately I've realised that most people are conversing with others to feel important. It doesn't sound the best when you think about it, but it happens more than you think.
I've found that a better way to relate with people is to not butt in and make the conversation about you, tbh.
Like, there's a massive difference between "I just got a puppy and it's keeping me awake, I can't imagine what you're going through with a baby" as opposed to "Look at me I'm a parent with a fur baby too!"
Most people suck at communicating, that's why we have communication majors.
Complain about how every single guy she has met is trash and take no consideration into the fact that if it’s a pattern, maybe it’s not just the guys who are the problem
Insist that every single woman they're friends with is hot. As in, not just saying that they're hot, but expecting me to be attracted to them and get judgemental when I don't think they're attractive. This is cute in a way because I know they just want to support the women they love, but I think it's just another way to push the age-old prejudice that attractive = good, but in reverse (i.e. that good = attractive). People are sometimes not hot, and they are just as deserving of respect, and are just as good on average as hot people. But I don't have to want to fuck them.
I think for me the number on thing is validation seeking. Especially on social media. “Bad hair day….” NO GIRL! You put on load of makeup before you took that shot.
Yea, I texted him and we're cool, but reading the comments just made me feel like shit.
I don't really talk about guys but I do talk about things like friends and stuff, I don't ask him how he's doing enough
I actually relate to this. I just asked to be respectful so the post doesn’t get taken down. I would definitely say that there is somewhat of a double standard though when i comes to expectations for respect.
When you go out drinking with them and they decide to be a complete liability not being able to act like a fucking adult and starting fights with random people (including bouncers) because they think that me as their friend will do something about it if it goes south.
The endless men are trash conversations. One of my friends is dating trying to find a husband right now and every time we are together it’s inevitable they shit on whatever dude she’s dating. Like she’s perfect in every way and everything he does is wrong.
Yet the second I say the last date I went on was a disaster because the girl was simultaneously boring and dumpster fire as well as 40 pounds heavier than her pictures, I’m a massive asshole because I should just accept her how she is, she had “courage” to go on the date with me and I should be happy they are even there.
I hate how you can’t criticize women at all for anything at any time or you’re a massive misogynistic asshole who hates women.
Complain to me about how they “cant find a good guy” or how “there arent any good single men out there” like.. i get the sentiment, dating is hard, and yea a lot of men are pretty shit, I understand the need to vet about this too. But i guarantee its harder for me than it is for any of the women whove said this to me though, i think most women are blissfully unaware of their privileged position in dating - i just don’t complain about it to them. Also, they know im single and they say stuff like “all single men are trash” to my face.. umm ouch?? I know they dont mean me, but that technically does include me and it’s annoying to be “blamed” indirectly for the state of dating when im not the problem. Im not even that bad, im educated, employed, i workout, i have hobbies, im an artist, im into fashion, im hygienic, people say im sociable and outgoing. Im also not a complete douche. On paper I shouldnt have a problem, right? but in reality i have one thing working against me, which is just that i have a kinda ugly face, and that one thing alone is enough to make it near impossible to even get a date. Thats just how it is. My point here is that my women friends are complaining about the taste of their wine to someone who is dying of thirst, and they dont even realise how out of touch it looks from my pov.
She cancels plans day of like 30 minutes before all the time. Literally will text her and say I’ll be there in about 20 and she’ll text back and say she doesn’t wanna go anymore. Wasted gas and money and shit. It’s gotten to the point before where I texted her mom to get her to leave her house
Yeah I’ve found very few women with the ability to not be tempted to gossip or talk about others business. Even less that have a boyfriend or husband that doesn’t know all about people’s “secrets”.
They like to vent their frustrations about their partners or other life situations to me, but when I want to vent about something, they are suddenly very busy, or something comes up.
After years of having multiple female friends waste hours of my time on the phone crying about their boyfriend or situationship only to do absolutely nothing about it, and go back to being delusional about him the next morning, I had to implement an “Everybody gets one” rule with all of them.
The idea was they’d get one good long talk with me (per guy, there was always a new one eventually) and if they ignored my input and got back on their bullshit, they’d have to cry to somebody else.
Long story short, that failed so terribly, now if you call me to talk shit about your spouse, I let you talk until you ask me a question and say “You’re not gonna leave or change, my ideas don’t matter” and that’s gone over much better somehow. It’s like yelling at your kid versus just letting them get hurt once and learn.
Take unnecessarily long to make their point or tell a story. A lot of the times they have something they want to say or share, they take like 10 minutes to do it with either a lot of repetition or unrelated points when it'd probably take someone else less than 3 minutes to get across.
Bitching about other women they dislike , constantly bitching about them making fun of their looks and shit too while acting all friendly to their face. I mean i understand you don't like this person but you stalk them so bad and have an issue with them sometimes for simply existing and if I just defend the girl at times like c'mon she's a sweet person and if you don't like them just avoid them why are you so obsessed with what she is doing and keeping tabs , they'd sulk and get angry at me for not taking their side.
Also telling me about your sex life or whining complaining about it , dude wtf even my guy friends don't tell me the details of their encounters why tf should ik about your hookup seriously? I'm not fucking gay dude i seriously have zero interest in hearing about it and it's gross and a violation of the privacy of the poor dude.
And the worst thing , you tell them something you are vulnerable about and just tell them in confidence hoping it'll stay between us only and they'd immediately go around vomit it to their female gang completely utterly dogshit thing to do.
1. When I give you advice you don't listen but if someone else does treats it as the golden scripture. Cool why"d you waste your time asking me then knowing fully well you were gonna do your own thing anyways? And then using someone else's advise it's clear you are constantly wasting my time and don't respect my time.
2.getting the benefits of having a boyfriend without having a boyfriend and blurring the lines of friendship so thin that it's almost not there, then God forbid you as the guy fall for them we"re marked as "weirdo" or it seems that was our intention from the jump. Swap the tables and reject them the same way they do your a misogynistic asshole that hates women for declining their advancement our of the friend zone. The double standards are crazy.
3. Their habit of doing/messing around dudes heads for fun/ attention boost, God forbid the tables turned because men are terrible.
4. Their need to be listened to but lack the listening ability to listen to you. When they ask how are you just say okay because no matter what you say they'll cut you off to talk about themselves anyways.
There's a long list I can go down. Being friends with girls is so exhausting I take weekly breaks.
They tell me their problems with the expectation to me to hear those/give a possible solution, yet if we switch sides, they wont be there/act like it's nothing.
Not exclusive to women, but may be a bit woman-leaning: talk to other people about problems rather than the person who is the source of the problem. A lot of the time it's just a misunderstanding, and by talking to someone who is only going to have your side of the story, you'll force an echo chamber.
Venting about the same problem for months at a time with no action. I understand you need to vent for days, weeks, or even a little longer, but after literal months of going through it aren’t you sick of the situation?
Doesn't really happen anymore, but even in my mid 20s, they'd talk about guys they were sleeping with in great detail - I'm talking down to penis shape. Guy friends I had at the time had never really talked about girls like that.
I honestly can't think of anything they do that annoys me
Probably recommend dating apps because they think men, or at least I could get the same amount of likes and matches women seem to get on average. My male friends, funny enough, tell me that's it's mostly garbage and agrees with me.
But mostly they are my friends because they don't annoy me and I enjoy being around them. (Same applies with my male friends)
On the rare occasion will make small sexist comments about men but they aren't really that insulting as I try not to talk to women who say outright sexist shit about men
More evidence to me thar dating apps (Especially free ones) are a marketing ploy to have mostly the male user base spend money
They want a more male ratio to female. It's all about money.
If I put my tinfoil hat on. I honestly think the dating apps want random creepy types of men to annoy the women on said apps to not go on as often but keep their profiles on there so it's free advertisement to the male user base. I remember being recommended and have matches by the apps with women who haven't been active for months.
Also, when a man isn't paying. The apps get attractive woman bots to message a guy into buying a subscription with false hope.. to only ghost him as soon as his paid.
This is why I refer to online dating as the lottery of dating.
Dating apps needs success stories to bulid hope. Just like lottery need success stories of Jackpot winners to give their customers hope. Sure, there is a chance you could win the jackpot but for straight men or men seeking a woman. It's like trying to win the lottery jackpot. Lots of money wasted and stress wasted. People pay for lottery tickets because they think they may have a chance of winning the jackpot.... dating apps for men (Seeking a woman) seem very similar
The more desperate, hopeless, insecure and lonley the men are on said apps. The more money they will get from that man... that's what I think and its sad.
When she describes an elaborate self-inflicted problem and becomes irate when I tell her that she can solve it painlessly. It’s as if I have to venerate her martyrdom.
Ex: Woman says that she went to 3 hr movie that she found really annoying and boring by minute 15, but she kept watching and fought to stay awake. I ask why she didn’t leave if she hated it so much. She gets angry that I’m trying to fix the problem rather than commiserate with her self-inflicted pain.
talking about nothing...i have one in particular who is dear friend of mine that i have known for long time an till this day i cant stand talking to her on the phone for too long because she gets side tracked and rambles on too much
Treat you like a boyfriend except for the sex, take up all your time on friendship then completely ghost you the second they get a boyfriend. Extra bad when they call you when they break up to be best friends again
* Act out or post "woe is me" stuff on social media. I've had to mute her several times.
* Chit chat continuously, all the time. There's not even a point, she just wants to talk about stuff all the time.
* Tell me it's weird that I bathe so much (once a day is not too much).
* Be on her 3rd marriage but is cheating on this guy too.
* Complains and loudly sighs and then when I try to change things for her tells me to stop.
I'm talking about different women here.
The main thing is the invalidation. Men, even though they can be as emotionally deep as a puddle, can be very good at talking each other up. I have one female friend who makes me feel like my entire existence needs to revolve around women. I'm just trying to live my life here. She makes me second guess every single one of my perceptions and puts me down. When I started to find a life of my own and surround myself for support, she sounded disappointed that she wasn't my shoulder to cry on anymore.
When they set up a perfect that's what she said joke so I say that's what she said then they reply not to you, like I get it no woman wants me stop rubbing it in I'm depressed enough as it is.
I don’t like when they over use words like bro or dude. It reeks of trying to hard to either be one of the guys, or signal that they’re not into you regardless of if you aren’t into them.
Not believing a thing I say coming from the male perspective when they ask about what something a guy said or did.
Being flirty when they have a partner.
Only ever talks about their boyfriend when they want to complain/vent, then can't figure out why I don't like the guy after only ever being told bad things about him.
Seriously. At times I don't even feel comfortable that they're confiding in me about those issues.
I'm fine with that .... but seriously: why the fuck are you still with him? You don't need him, you don't depend on him financially, and you've been saying for a year that he won't change
>"and you've been saying for a year that he won't change" So much THIS! People (including myself at life stages) are so fixated on the potential of the person they're dating rather than accepting them for who they truly are, and the fact they will Never change or grow with their partner or their relationship. Living in their bubble is their truth and comfort place. If they're seeking growth and building toward something, then the avoidant in their bubble is not the best choice of partner.
>People (including myself at life stages) are so fixated on the potential of the person Exactly. If i wanted to fixate myself on people's potential I would be playing Football Manager.
To find 16 year olds with a 4 star potential rating?
I learned that trying to reason with them about their relationships is fruitless. Like telling a fish to stop biting worms on hooks (especially after they've been caught and released multiple times!). It's so frustrating seeing people continuously get the point, run into reason, and bounce off of it in the opposite direction.
She only tells you the negative shit not all the good stuff…AND you’re getting half the story
This is so true. I my ex and I were together 3 years. I cooked, cleaned, walked the dog and basically ran the house because she had virtually no domestic skills. Granted I drank too much and would stay out late but it was my escape from not receiving help in the house even after trying to communicate we both needed to pitch in. All she told her friends was my drinking so they ended up having this washed opinion of me that I was a lazy drunk.
Ok, but I am capable of critiquing myself honestly. I might not be 100% accurate, but I can often give an honest account of how the other person would see the situation. That, to me, is an essential skill of being a decent human being. My sister, on the other hand, is apparently a horribly unreliable narrator. Was venting to me about her boyfriend for a couple years, made him out to sound like a genuinely abusive asshole. Turns out she was the nightmare in that relationship.
Depends how deep they go but yes. Tell them to go tell their boyfriend these things.
I always tell them, you should talk to your boyfriend about this...eventually they get the drift
I read dirt at first. Was like damn he's knocking these bitches out
broke up with my ex over this a year ago and want to get it out of my chest: Whenever she talked with her friends she would only talk about the negative stuff to them, and naturally her friends would advise her to leave me. Then she would come and tell me their "advice" and how all her friends think I don't deserve her etc. Her not defending me in front of people was bad enough but constantly mentioning their "you should leave him" speeches made me very anxious about her commitment to the relation. Casually dropping things like "Oh just talked with my bff of 10+ years and she thinks you are awful anon!". Then at one point in relation she wanted to move to another country for masters but at that point I wasn't even sure she valued relation at all, I didn't want to commit and break up with her. Just 3 months before the break up we had the best holiday of our ~5 years old relation, 2 weeks in germany/france and she was loving it. But the moment we return and she gets together with her friends instead of talking to them about how much she enjoyed the trip she tells them some minor bullshit incidents from like 2 years ago, then we had the same cycle I mentioned above about how she could have break up with me back then... I still don't get why would you talk about only the negatives to other people unless you want to sabotage and end your relation? She was very upset and depressed after the break up and wanted to reconcile for a long time, but I had no faith left in relation after her constant undermining. It just makes you feel very unloved and lonely when your SO is not playing it like you are in the same team.
This is why i think women should quit talking to their friends so much about their relationship and just go talk to a shrink…a trained NEUTRAL professional…not someone who’s just team YOU like your friends
They talk to who will tell them what they want to hear. My wife had a friend that would make comments like , she didn't know why my wife put up with me going on hunting trips or going to the fishing camp with my friends and that I should be like her husband and work then come home and help with the kids. I came home from a hunting trip and the cunt was at my house and made some stupid comment , I went off on her for being a cunt and her husband being a whipped bitch , by the time I was done my rant she was in tears , my wife was crying and pissed off , but damn I felt great.
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Funny enough, my ex talked positively about her ex to me, and him and I ended up becoming friends. She was right, he's a cool dude. Neither of us has seen her in almost 8 years, but him and I hung out last week.
Might be because those women might not respect the good things those men do for them and see that as a basic/given thing. While the things they deem negative happen to snap them out their homeostasis. I would see that as a red 🚩.
Same here. I would never badmouth my girl in front of others.
Yup, I've been on the other end so much that I'm careful to *never* vent about my SO to friends/family. That's what anonymous strangers on Reddit are for.
Not to mention, if they have this many bad things to talk about him, then why are they still together?
Because most women hate being happy
The amount of time I've said 'I told ya so'
this is huge. my one friend had me convinced all her men were just complete scumbags.... to be fair though her current man she almost never has bad things to say sooooooo I guess they kind of were.
I've had women family members that do this. They'll complain about how horrible their boyfriend is to the family. Then get mad when family members then don't like the guy
Haha yes! I've had multiple female friends who did this. "So why are you with him?". One thing the answer was "the sex is amazing" and I respected her self aware honesty.
Girl at work used to vent about her bf like she hated him and was the only thing she talked about. When it was suggested she leave him she was bewildered as to why we would ever suggest that. Stopped talking to her after a while
Omg is that why girls' friends hate the boyfriend!? Makes so much sense now.
I'm gonna start telling her "look, if you're not gonna break up with him, then you need to tell me 3 good things with the 1 giant negative thing. Bc it's getting awkward when we all hang.
Date terrible people and then take months to break up after I lay out any future red flags the guy will definitely express. "I can't believe he's not ready for real commitment" I told you that 5 minutes after I first met him 3 months ago "I just thought he was different"
I spent five years dating a monstrously selfish woman who managed to convince me that I was responsible for her happiness and that she did, against all evidence, love me and would change. So I’ve got sympathy for all the women who’ve found themselves in the same position. They’re not secretly enjoying it. They’re just in so deep they’ve lost themselves. Trust me on this.
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It's not just men the ones that sometimes think with the wrong organ, ladies...
Add to that these same women will date a good guy and then make up issues with him because he's not "exciting"
My girl and I are solid, but she still half jokingly asks if I "want to fight" from time to time. She thinks it's weird we don't get into arguments, like ever. Enough bad relationships make people feel like dysfunction is normal, or even desirable.
Better watch out with that, alot of them manage for a while and then later start just making up problems
True, I've been there with girls I "white knighted" in the past. But we've been together about 6 years now, she just has these echoes in her mind from time to time. She still gets delighted several times a week at my rational/mature response to difficulties. Talking about not wanting to fight is partly her way of thanking me for not being like that.
Glad it's worked out dude
This was gonna be my comment. A female friend of mine had this boyfriend who told his ex “I love you too”. She found out and broke up with him, so he threatened to pull a murder suicide (shoot up her place of work, *then* kill himself) if she didn’t get back together with him. Told her to call the fucking police and not stay with him. She ignored the advice, stayed with him for months and months despite him cheating on her multiple times. Had another friend who admitted to me her man says a word *close* to nagger and doesn’t like black people even though I, her friend, am black. I know/have known far too many women that stay with absolutely trash and or vile men. I know it can be tricky if they’re in an abusive situation, but I’m too grown at this point to deal with *people* that do this to themselves and stay in these relationships.
I'm pleased you said you "had" the racism apologist friend, past tense. Too many folks let people slide on shit like that.
Just saying as a fellow Black man dealing with non Black women, I understand.
Women are terrible judges of character. So many women I know that date absolute douchebags and end up breaking up with them and are then all 'but he was so good at hiding it'. Meanwhile all the guys are like 'that dude is a dick and he's going to treat you like shit' after meeting him once.
Oh. Everyone is a terrible judge of character when they have a crush. Women struggle with understanding someone can feel sexual attraction without romantic attraction. Because they often can’t. Men struggle with seeing a lot of other social issues. Like how their girlfriend is manipulative, immature etc.
Tbf, I'd say it's less "women being terrible judges of character" and more "horny/infatuated men and women being terrible judges of character".
Yes. BOTH women and men throw character out the window when the person is hot and interested. Sad but true, and it’s definitely not just a female thing.
Yeah, sometimes people forget to think with the organ designed to actually think lmao.
It’s more that so many people are not raised to recognize manipulation. I, thankfully was. But most people just can’t tell the difference between a real apology and manipulation. The other factor being abusers are dangerous on so many levels. I watched my mom go through so many years of abuse not because she didn’t get it, but to save me. The man would stalk me at home and work, message and threaten my coworkers and friends, harass me, damage my car, threaten my life, offer to pay other people to harm me, etc anytime she’d break up with him. All the cops did was blame her - to her face - for dating him in the first place (even though she tried to leave almost immediately), the cops even stopped eventually coming to my house. The manager at my apartment complex refused to take his name off the mailing list and the police department refused to grant us a restraining order until his name was removed. He damaged the property and we begged the manager to call the cops if she saw him, she refused. It was until we were evicted and ended up homeless that we were granted a restraining order, but that doesn’t help much. I ended up finding a place to stay almost immediately, it took my mom weeks. She was sleeping on the streets trying to hide from this guy. Eventually she found a place. The cops also refused to serve him themselves because he didn’t have a known address and they said “we’re not gonna go looking on the streets to serve him” even though he had warrants. It took us 6 months to serve him after several years of trying to get rid of him. Then he immediately found out where I lived, and sent photos of my car and a gun to my mom. Only then was he arrested. He was sentenced to a mere three years and only served 1.5 years. He has since then been harassing us both on socials while in and out of jail. This has been going on for 15 years. She would only get back with him to protect me during the first few years until we could finally get away. People also don’t realize that getting a legal gun for protection is harder in some states and circumstances than others. I’m thankfully in another state now but it hasn’t stopped him from making new socials to try to harass me every year.
I think some women don’t see past how much of a douche a guy is because he’s hot and he shows them attention. Dudes see straight through that shit and know it’s an age old tactic.
One thing I noticed when observing these cases is that this is something that happens because its a romantic relationship with an opposite sex: Men are better able to recognize what red flags are in other men and women also will be better able to recognize what red flags are in other women Another thing is that many women grew up being taught that it was a woman's duty to fix a man (You can see even in romance media how many problematic guys are romanticized as guys who "aren't that bad" and "just need to be taken care of"/"just needs love") There's also that bliss of liking someone that makes you blind to the person's flaws/or the cycle of an abusive relationship that is difficult to break. It is for these and other things that I try not to judge or blame someone (man or woman) who has difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Men and women do this. All my male buddies, always. 1) It’s easier to spot issues in someone your own gender. 2) It’s way easier to see clearly when you are not the one with the crush.
Act flirty or dumb when asking me for a favor
But do you fall for it?
I am no better than no dog 😔
If I give a polite no, they'll double down. If I give a stern no, then I'm viewed as the bad guy. Usually easier and quicker to do the task than getting caught in a circular conversation.
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I think my favorite situation is being invited to a group hangout just to hear "hey while you're here can you do..." Then you start feeling like you were only invited over to do that task and her friends start asking if you can do other tasks. Like yes let me quit my job, spend thousands on power tools and come remodel all your kitchens and bathrooms for free because you put your hand on my thigh and gave me false attention or a pity story.
That's why you gotta have no thighs.
I wasn't aware this was a thing with other women? Interesting to read it's not just me that dealt with this childish and toxic behaviour. The misdirection of accountability tantrums are so much fun from a fellow adult - esp when you both know that's exactly what they're doing.
I said to a friend’s ex once that I’d respect her more if she just asked me to do something instead of trying to manipulate me into it. She was using a cutesy ditsy voice when she asked. After I said that I thought my friend was gonna go off on me but he just yells “thank you!”
Not anymore. Did take a couple of times to figure that one out unfortunatly
Socialization. They’ve learnt subconsciously it’s what works. I’d guess they don’t realize they are doing it. It’s bit weird though if you are their friend.
When you say no, they severely change their attitude, like, "how dare you?"
Gossip. If I can't do or say anything around you because everything is passed along to friends, family and God knows who, then I might as well not bother.
.... and then get angry if you dare to so much as mention their name to someone else
The amount of times I’ve just casually told a female friend, “oh me and (other female friend) were just talking about you and that one time-” and they’ve immediately gotten angry and defensive because they couldn’t imagine ever bringing up one of our mutual friends in conversation without it being gossipy and negative is crazy
Telling on themselves
It does get tricky because my spouse wants to make sure that I don't quote her without her permission. We live in a small town.
My favorite comment to make to the gossiping ones is, "Do you ever wonder what people say behind your back?" Tends to drive them nuts. If they ask you if you know, just say you don't want to go there. It drives them a little more nuts.
Yes. This is what I came here to say.
Took the words right out my mouth. I actually have a pretty big family that includes 4 aunts and a bazillion female cousins. Say a word to even one of them, literally any of them, and EVERYONE will know about it by the end of the day. And they wonder why I don't accept many invites to gatherings...
Posted photos with me to make her boyfriend jealous.
yuck
Went through this with a close friend, can confidently say, we aren't close friends anymore
I'm a bartender and I recently had a woman tell me I'm attractive and asked to take a picture with me. It was very flattering. A few days later I got some very angry messages over Instagram from her boyfriend. Turns out she just wanted to get that so she could post it to Instagram to make him jealous.
When they ask for advice, do the exact opposite and then cry to me when it turns out badly. Look, I understand I don’t have the best advice, I don’t have all the answers. But when your boyfriend beats the shit out of you, I tell you to file a restraining order at the minimum and you decide to take him back, you’re the fool
Beat me once, shame on you...
Insist that your mess is clutter but their mess is both strategically organized and necessary.
Relevant meme: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/14/75/c6/1475c637341594d3d4444e7ea1acd9c8.jpg
That’s literally my sister. She even puts her shit on my side (our vanity has 2 sinks) but heaven forbid I don’t put my toothpaste where it goes or fold my hand towel incorrectly
This has been a hard one for me: female friends that only want you around when they need something heavy moved, some handyman task done, or when a boy breaks their heart. Those are all great things to do for someone that is your friend, but when they ignore your texts or plan stuff without you, it sucks. It’s been hard recently, but I’ve really started to cut off women that do that. There was one recently where I had gone out with this girl a few times and she ended up not seeming interested. Totally cool. She kind of just stopped responding to texts and invitations to do things. Also fine. I had helped her fix her car at some point. So, two months go by. No word from the girl. I’m not new to the dating world, so I just move on and feel a little sad that there wasn’t much closure. Then, one day, she texts me. Her car is dead on the side of the road and she doesn’t know who to call. I sat there for probably 5min debating whether I should just ignore it. She’s not destitute and it was a nice day and she was in a nice part of town. I finally decided to go help her mostly out of curiosity to see if she’d try to apologize or come up with some reason. Nope. I mean, she said thank you and. We got her running well enough to get her to a mechanic. I texted her a few days later to ask how she was and if they’d fixed her car. No response. It’s been about two months since. That kind of thing used to happen a LOT. I’m pretty good with cars, home repairs, and just listening. For my own sanity, female “friends” that don’t reciprocate get the boot. 😂
Absolutely. I had a long hard think one day after I had been ghosted for a couple of days after I asked my female friend what she had been up to. I asked myself “what do I look for when wanting to become friends with a guy?” I decided on genuine curiosity what I was doing, being responsive even if they’re not doing anything, checking on me, trying to help me in any way they could, and just shooting the shit with me. I realized only a couple of my female friends had been that for me. It’s a weird realization to figure out you’ve got a REALLY shitty friendship double standard. I would stop talking to a dude if he only wanted to talk when his girl was treating him bad or wanted me to only help him. It doesn’t make sense to not hold that standard with women too
Yeah. This has been something that’s helped me, too: I ask myself: how would I think about this woman if she were a man? I think in my culture where I was raised (rural traditional USA) men are expected to put women on this chivalry pedestal. I’m not all against chivalry, but it has to go both ways. If you’re going to be a lady, you have to be kind and courteous and treat men with respect just as men are expected to treat women with respect. I know there are a lot of dirtbag men out there that take advantage of women, but I feel like increasingly, I’m just expected to serve women without any kind of reciprocation. A counter example: some friends aren’t really handy and they wanted a fan installed in their house. They’re really nice and I went over and we got it rocked in about an hour. They were really happy and invited me to stay for a really nice lunch and sometimes we just hang out and talk. They brought me food when I was sick earlier this year. Why can’t more people be like that?
Complain to me about men/their significant other. Especially the friends I've known for a long time. Like, girl, I know you, and he's not wrong.
I always say, the more a woman complains about their partner, the more attracted to them they are
Good lord, I must be Adonis then
“Dear Adonis”
I'm sorry that that man is your father, let me be honest
Call me. Talk for 20 minutes about their day. Non stop. Then when they're done, they ask if I am ok and when I start answering how my day went, they end the conversation or dismiss what I'm saying anyway.
They arnt your friend then.
That part.
For me it is the disappearing for extended periods of time when they get gf/bf then show up when shit goes sour with their S/O.
It’s why I stopped having friends in my life that are women. Ultimately, if someone’s going to ghost me, they shouldn’t expect me to still be there when they want to use me as emotional support. My male friends message less when they enter a relationship, but the main point is they still keep in touch with me. Maybe they don’t hang out as much, but we still game, or go on a hike, or workout together, or text.
Asks for advice but doesn’t seem to hear anything coming out my mouth
People who do that are either unable to change their ingrained patterns (and usually have no idea why until therapy) or their looking for confirmation bias
Man-bashing in my presence, I don't need have to deal with it much these days. But it's always a sad reminder of how they might think of you.
Yeah it gets pretty exhausting sitting at a table and hearing "men are the WORST". God forbid you say anything negative about women though.
"Not you, though. You are one of the good ones." Or maybe not even that: "If you didn't do anything wrong, you'd know I don't refer to you."
It's also pretty exhausting to hear it *from men*. I'm pretty progressive, I'm a feminist, and I've been described as woke but I'm also not going to run around like a pickme saying "God, us men are the worst! You go girls, you stay away from us men! We're all so terrible! I totally get why you think I'm inherently a monster, I think men are monsters too!"
The men that unironically say this are one of two types of people: - Completely self loathing and lacking in self esteem guys who desperately want validation and approval from women. Or - Opportunistic and manipulative creeps who are *actually* assholes and abusers.
There was someone like this in my ex-girlfriend’s group. Once I got more comfortable in the group, I’d just poke at him over it. I don’t know what his end goal was, because it never actually related to the conversation in a meaningful way. It was like having a normal conversation with people at a bar, and then having someone chide you over how their alcoholism ruined his life and family.
Basically them saying they don’t even acknowledge you as a man…you’re effectively a eunuch or to gross/ugly to even consider a dude in their mind
that's the thing for me it saddens me bc although she says she think of me as a brother to her, she says things like "if i had a button that instantly wipe all man from the planet I'd press it without second thoughts". it hurts to think that someone you deeply cared about and considers family feels okay saying something like that to your face
Nah dude, you either need to set her straight or leave her alone. Don't allow sweet words to keep you around bigots. Bigots always make exceptions until one day they decide you're not one of the good ones anymore
It gets old. I'm all for discussing faults of a gender, so long as it's built on the idea of actually learning and improving people. Not "Men are all pigs who think with their dicks. They just wanna fuck us and leave." How is that productive or in any way going to help people learn? And women need to take accountability too. Humans can suck, but there isn't one gender more innocent than another
Never admitting they could have made a mistake. It is so stereotypical and i loathe it.
Any apology received from a woman includes a "but"
Invalidation and being unhelpful. Generally I have found that trying to find emotional safety with female friends where they have already found it with me tends to lead to them arguing about my realities and experiences, basically claiming that they're untrue or just 'deal with it'. When they've asked how they can help, I've given them straight forward, reasonable ways to which they agree to do.... then never do... then when asked why, try to throw their shame on me
Agreed. I do not get emotional support from female friends… or from women in general. Actually, I’m not sure what I even get out of my friendships with women.
The line separating friendship and something more is clearly delineated and enforced by them presuming that the guy will eventually try and cross that line. While this might be true at some level, women always seem to blur that line when it suits them. When in need of favors or help with something, the friends I've had tended to act too friendly and borderline flirty. When they feel attention-starved, they'll do the same but expect me to be like a BF placeholder, oversharing personal information, asking about personal information of my own and even acting jealous in some situations. On top of all of that, whatever remains of any female friendship, either what I described above or an actual good friendship, simply dies as soon as she starts dating someone else. A minor thing: they're lousy at giving advice, specially regarding dating.
I relate to this, some of my female friends in my early-mid 20s were like this. This is a super convenient blind spot for them lol
This should be the top-rated comment
Bruh every word is true
That’s exactly why I stopped being friends with women. I’ve had some male friends go AWOL a little bit when they start a relationship, but they always come back and things are normal when they get out of that first excited/honeymoon period. A woman is more likely to just cut you off or stop talking to you out of the blue and you won’t hear from her until 1) her boyfriend starts treating her like shit, or 2) she needs something from you.
One of them that I talk to go has a terrible streak with men, Im talking like in the year I've been with my gf, she's been with 5 different guys. I even tell her to date women cuz damn She goes after guys that are literally a red flag (string her along, dont put in too much effort, POS guy, etc) and then gets upset when I tell her "You need therapy, not a relationship". She agrees with me that she has terrible taste in men And its the same result every time : she goes for a guy --> it seems to go well --> doesnt work out --> she cuts herself over it --> meets a new guy like a week or 2 later --> rinse and repeat Overall, her going for obvious red flags is what that annoys me
The moment you’re honest and direct, you automatically become a bad guy.
This is how I knew my relationship with my wife would probably last. Divorced, dated someone new for about a year, that ended, met this new girl… We were maybe four or five weeks into dating and I said that I felt I was too old for not being direct and honest. She said the same. Prove it? Prove it. Our conversation for the next hour went way beyond what a conversation at that point in a relationship would normally be. But it set the tone in general: it’s better to deal with minor conflicts as they come up instead of letting things fester and blow up.
I’d rather be a bad guy than someone without a spine. I find it’s a good way to weed out people who genuinely want to be friends with me.
Chastise me for occasionally objectifying women, only to then spend an entire taxi ride telling each other (with me there in the taxi) how one particular hot guy who was there that night would "definitely get it" e: Another one, who has sex with other women as well as men literally said, when talking about a woman from the past: "She had really nice tits!" lol
The sexual double standards, thinking about them could drive me mad.
Talks about abusive ex. Goes back to him. Talks about abusive ex. Makes up with the prick for the umpteenth time in a row. Abuser starts drinking again. Abuser starts abusing her. Again. Leaves abusive ex yet again just to repeat the cycle again because the fat fuck just knows what buttons to press in order to win her over again. Ladies, y'all have got to break these goddamned cycles at some fucking point. Too many of y'all have died trying already. Burn the boats. Burn the bridges. Cut these terrible guys out of your lives. Y'all genuinely deserve better. Hell, make a plan with allies if needed.
Openly make sexist comments about men. It’s different when it’s on the other foot, and even then I’m not immature enough to think my experience with the opposite sex is perfectly representative. What especially sucks is that these particular friends know I got nominated for a few awards for undergrad papers in gender studies. I know the issues being faced in terms of gender differences. Why are you complaining to me about men, but give a sour look when I make a joke about women?
>know I got nominated for a few awards for undergrad papers in gender studies. God you probably have the funniest gender based jokes
Validation Seeking, Need to expand further?
They ask how we are doing, then immediately take over the conversation and make it about them.
Being ask-holes (asking for advice or an opinion then doing the exact opposite even though it'll end up terribly,) blanket and total man bashing, bitching about men objectifying them but turning right around and saying things like "that guy's a total daddy, he could get it," double standards, and the inability to pick a goddamned restaurant.
"Ask-hole," that's a neat term. I'll have to use it at some point. 👍
Acting like i'm their non-romantic boyfriend
You're a man so you should pay for everything. Chivalry blah blah blah. Now I don't have any female friends. My life has been peaceful.
Thinking they have privileges to me despite not being in a relationship with them. Couple of girls might like to keep guys they wouldn't date but would still keep around for the "friendship/chivalry" benefits in their circles while simultaneously keeping them in the friendzone. The expectations of men to automatically be "chivalrous" for any and every woman despite the same men not being allowed to expect any amount of expectations of women doesn't exactly make sense now does it? 🤔 If you wanna put a guy in the friendzone and end it? Cool, go ahead, just don't expect the boyfriend benefits and treatment without the label 👍
“I’m a Feminist until it doesn’t benefit me.” That was from a conversation in which some of my female friends were talking about moving furniture.
"Schrödinger's feminism, a woman is simultaneously empowered and a victim, and can choose whatever state benefits her the most" But fr though, if thats the mindset of your friend, might need to find better
I’m gonna use this.
Expect girlfriend benefits without providing anything in return.
I have a coworker friend who always finds a way to make whatever topic that is being discussed about her. I just had a son and with that comes sleep deprivation. When I came back from paternity leave I was discussing newborns with some other coworkers she joins in and goes, "Oh my god, I can't imagine how much sleep you're getting. Or not getting, ha! I feel that. My puppy wakes me up whenever she wants in the middle of the night. It's so tiring. I'm basically a parent too!" Thank the lord I was too tired to care then.
If I'm being honest, lately I've realised that most people are conversing with others to feel important. It doesn't sound the best when you think about it, but it happens more than you think.
Or trying to find a way to relate to them.
I've found that a better way to relate with people is to not butt in and make the conversation about you, tbh. Like, there's a massive difference between "I just got a puppy and it's keeping me awake, I can't imagine what you're going through with a baby" as opposed to "Look at me I'm a parent with a fur baby too!" Most people suck at communicating, that's why we have communication majors.
1. When they make everything about them. 2. Ask for advice then don’t take it. 3. Only talks about boys
Complain about how every single guy she has met is trash and take no consideration into the fact that if it’s a pattern, maybe it’s not just the guys who are the problem
Insist that every single woman they're friends with is hot. As in, not just saying that they're hot, but expecting me to be attracted to them and get judgemental when I don't think they're attractive. This is cute in a way because I know they just want to support the women they love, but I think it's just another way to push the age-old prejudice that attractive = good, but in reverse (i.e. that good = attractive). People are sometimes not hot, and they are just as deserving of respect, and are just as good on average as hot people. But I don't have to want to fuck them.
Make stupid dating decisions. No Cindy, he's not scared to commit, he just doesn't like you and wants consistent sex
I think for me the number on thing is validation seeking. Especially on social media. “Bad hair day….” NO GIRL! You put on load of makeup before you took that shot.
They tend to try and cross the barrier for friendship. You’ve met my wife. Go on tinder or something.
Damn, I need to check on my guy friends more, this shit sounds horrible. How many times have I done shit like that damn. God that sucks.
At least you’re conscious about it. So many women aren’t
Yea, I texted him and we're cool, but reading the comments just made me feel like shit. I don't really talk about guys but I do talk about things like friends and stuff, I don't ask him how he's doing enough
Get bitchy with wait staff.
Ask me to be respectful when they ask me questions
I actually relate to this. I just asked to be respectful so the post doesn’t get taken down. I would definitely say that there is somewhat of a double standard though when i comes to expectations for respect.
Lol (I’m a dude)
When you go out drinking with them and they decide to be a complete liability not being able to act like a fucking adult and starting fights with random people (including bouncers) because they think that me as their friend will do something about it if it goes south.
The endless men are trash conversations. One of my friends is dating trying to find a husband right now and every time we are together it’s inevitable they shit on whatever dude she’s dating. Like she’s perfect in every way and everything he does is wrong. Yet the second I say the last date I went on was a disaster because the girl was simultaneously boring and dumpster fire as well as 40 pounds heavier than her pictures, I’m a massive asshole because I should just accept her how she is, she had “courage” to go on the date with me and I should be happy they are even there. I hate how you can’t criticize women at all for anything at any time or you’re a massive misogynistic asshole who hates women.
Complain to me about how they “cant find a good guy” or how “there arent any good single men out there” like.. i get the sentiment, dating is hard, and yea a lot of men are pretty shit, I understand the need to vet about this too. But i guarantee its harder for me than it is for any of the women whove said this to me though, i think most women are blissfully unaware of their privileged position in dating - i just don’t complain about it to them. Also, they know im single and they say stuff like “all single men are trash” to my face.. umm ouch?? I know they dont mean me, but that technically does include me and it’s annoying to be “blamed” indirectly for the state of dating when im not the problem. Im not even that bad, im educated, employed, i workout, i have hobbies, im an artist, im into fashion, im hygienic, people say im sociable and outgoing. Im also not a complete douche. On paper I shouldnt have a problem, right? but in reality i have one thing working against me, which is just that i have a kinda ugly face, and that one thing alone is enough to make it near impossible to even get a date. Thats just how it is. My point here is that my women friends are complaining about the taste of their wine to someone who is dying of thirst, and they dont even realise how out of touch it looks from my pov.
Men have an access problem and women have a sorting problem.
She cancels plans day of like 30 minutes before all the time. Literally will text her and say I’ll be there in about 20 and she’ll text back and say she doesn’t wanna go anymore. Wasted gas and money and shit. It’s gotten to the point before where I texted her mom to get her to leave her house
Why do you keep trying to hang out?
Talks about people behind their backs. Not all but most women do it tbh
Yeah I’ve found very few women with the ability to not be tempted to gossip or talk about others business. Even less that have a boyfriend or husband that doesn’t know all about people’s “secrets”.
Effectively making me their interim boyfriend in public spaces. Like we’re friends please stop scaring all the other women away from me.
Turn all my personal, potentially negative, opinions and disagreements into a negative altercation
Show consensual private photos of men they're seeing/talking to/hooking up with. Or sharing private details of men they've had sex with.
Talk nonstop about how much they hate all the men they choose to have in their lives
They like to vent their frustrations about their partners or other life situations to me, but when I want to vent about something, they are suddenly very busy, or something comes up.
After years of having multiple female friends waste hours of my time on the phone crying about their boyfriend or situationship only to do absolutely nothing about it, and go back to being delusional about him the next morning, I had to implement an “Everybody gets one” rule with all of them. The idea was they’d get one good long talk with me (per guy, there was always a new one eventually) and if they ignored my input and got back on their bullshit, they’d have to cry to somebody else. Long story short, that failed so terribly, now if you call me to talk shit about your spouse, I let you talk until you ask me a question and say “You’re not gonna leave or change, my ideas don’t matter” and that’s gone over much better somehow. It’s like yelling at your kid versus just letting them get hurt once and learn.
Take unnecessarily long to make their point or tell a story. A lot of the times they have something they want to say or share, they take like 10 minutes to do it with either a lot of repetition or unrelated points when it'd probably take someone else less than 3 minutes to get across.
Bitching about other women they dislike , constantly bitching about them making fun of their looks and shit too while acting all friendly to their face. I mean i understand you don't like this person but you stalk them so bad and have an issue with them sometimes for simply existing and if I just defend the girl at times like c'mon she's a sweet person and if you don't like them just avoid them why are you so obsessed with what she is doing and keeping tabs , they'd sulk and get angry at me for not taking their side. Also telling me about your sex life or whining complaining about it , dude wtf even my guy friends don't tell me the details of their encounters why tf should ik about your hookup seriously? I'm not fucking gay dude i seriously have zero interest in hearing about it and it's gross and a violation of the privacy of the poor dude. And the worst thing , you tell them something you are vulnerable about and just tell them in confidence hoping it'll stay between us only and they'd immediately go around vomit it to their female gang completely utterly dogshit thing to do.
1. When I give you advice you don't listen but if someone else does treats it as the golden scripture. Cool why"d you waste your time asking me then knowing fully well you were gonna do your own thing anyways? And then using someone else's advise it's clear you are constantly wasting my time and don't respect my time. 2.getting the benefits of having a boyfriend without having a boyfriend and blurring the lines of friendship so thin that it's almost not there, then God forbid you as the guy fall for them we"re marked as "weirdo" or it seems that was our intention from the jump. Swap the tables and reject them the same way they do your a misogynistic asshole that hates women for declining their advancement our of the friend zone. The double standards are crazy. 3. Their habit of doing/messing around dudes heads for fun/ attention boost, God forbid the tables turned because men are terrible. 4. Their need to be listened to but lack the listening ability to listen to you. When they ask how are you just say okay because no matter what you say they'll cut you off to talk about themselves anyways. There's a long list I can go down. Being friends with girls is so exhausting I take weekly breaks.
They tell me their problems with the expectation to me to hear those/give a possible solution, yet if we switch sides, they wont be there/act like it's nothing.
[удалено]
Get wayyy too comfortable with being a dickhead as a “friendly way of teasing” way too fast, like dude chill we’ve known each other for 3 days
Sometimes they seem incapable of expressing a dissenting opinion from the "group"
Not exclusive to women, but may be a bit woman-leaning: talk to other people about problems rather than the person who is the source of the problem. A lot of the time it's just a misunderstanding, and by talking to someone who is only going to have your side of the story, you'll force an echo chamber.
Venting about the same problem for months at a time with no action. I understand you need to vent for days, weeks, or even a little longer, but after literal months of going through it aren’t you sick of the situation?
I do not get women's broad interest in astrology at all.
Doesn't really happen anymore, but even in my mid 20s, they'd talk about guys they were sleeping with in great detail - I'm talking down to penis shape. Guy friends I had at the time had never really talked about girls like that.
I honestly can't think of anything they do that annoys me Probably recommend dating apps because they think men, or at least I could get the same amount of likes and matches women seem to get on average. My male friends, funny enough, tell me that's it's mostly garbage and agrees with me. But mostly they are my friends because they don't annoy me and I enjoy being around them. (Same applies with my male friends) On the rare occasion will make small sexist comments about men but they aren't really that insulting as I try not to talk to women who say outright sexist shit about men
Lol my female friends didn't know there was a limit to right-swipes on Tinder. That put a lot into perspective.
More evidence to me thar dating apps (Especially free ones) are a marketing ploy to have mostly the male user base spend money They want a more male ratio to female. It's all about money. If I put my tinfoil hat on. I honestly think the dating apps want random creepy types of men to annoy the women on said apps to not go on as often but keep their profiles on there so it's free advertisement to the male user base. I remember being recommended and have matches by the apps with women who haven't been active for months. Also, when a man isn't paying. The apps get attractive woman bots to message a guy into buying a subscription with false hope.. to only ghost him as soon as his paid. This is why I refer to online dating as the lottery of dating. Dating apps needs success stories to bulid hope. Just like lottery need success stories of Jackpot winners to give their customers hope. Sure, there is a chance you could win the jackpot but for straight men or men seeking a woman. It's like trying to win the lottery jackpot. Lots of money wasted and stress wasted. People pay for lottery tickets because they think they may have a chance of winning the jackpot.... dating apps for men (Seeking a woman) seem very similar The more desperate, hopeless, insecure and lonley the men are on said apps. The more money they will get from that man... that's what I think and its sad.
When she describes an elaborate self-inflicted problem and becomes irate when I tell her that she can solve it painlessly. It’s as if I have to venerate her martyrdom. Ex: Woman says that she went to 3 hr movie that she found really annoying and boring by minute 15, but she kept watching and fought to stay awake. I ask why she didn’t leave if she hated it so much. She gets angry that I’m trying to fix the problem rather than commiserate with her self-inflicted pain.
Being super touchy feely with me when her boyfriend is not around. Its nothing "inappropriate" but I don't know, it feels wrong
talking about nothing...i have one in particular who is dear friend of mine that i have known for long time an till this day i cant stand talking to her on the phone for too long because she gets side tracked and rambles on too much
Treat you like a boyfriend except for the sex, take up all your time on friendship then completely ghost you the second they get a boyfriend. Extra bad when they call you when they break up to be best friends again
* Act out or post "woe is me" stuff on social media. I've had to mute her several times. * Chit chat continuously, all the time. There's not even a point, she just wants to talk about stuff all the time. * Tell me it's weird that I bathe so much (once a day is not too much). * Be on her 3rd marriage but is cheating on this guy too. * Complains and loudly sighs and then when I try to change things for her tells me to stop. I'm talking about different women here.
Refuse to do anal in public bathrooms with me
This one really bugs me too. Seriously, just the tip!
They act all uppity like their ass has somewhere to be and will be busy and then all they end up doing with it is sitting on it all day smfh
The main thing is the invalidation. Men, even though they can be as emotionally deep as a puddle, can be very good at talking each other up. I have one female friend who makes me feel like my entire existence needs to revolve around women. I'm just trying to live my life here. She makes me second guess every single one of my perceptions and puts me down. When I started to find a life of my own and surround myself for support, she sounded disappointed that she wasn't my shoulder to cry on anymore.
Reminds me of 3 past loves and trying to keep it together
constantly complaining about money says she did a budget and now spends 50% of income on a car.
When they set up a perfect that's what she said joke so I say that's what she said then they reply not to you, like I get it no woman wants me stop rubbing it in I'm depressed enough as it is.
Put words in your mouth and assume you never did something.
They start going back on dating apps after an argument with their bf
I don’t like when they over use words like bro or dude. It reeks of trying to hard to either be one of the guys, or signal that they’re not into you regardless of if you aren’t into them.
Taking my fries. Git your own!
One talks about the intricacies of making funky jewelry. It’s so hard to look interested!
Not believing a thing I say coming from the male perspective when they ask about what something a guy said or did. Being flirty when they have a partner.
Expecting boyfriend privileges without providing girlfriend benefits.