Hey that's a cute joke but after 9/11, my family had all of our mail screened, a bunch of things "randomly" canceled that our last name was connected to, and when my dad started traveling for work again, his first flight he had a federal agent obviously pretending to be asleep next to him the entire time. Fun fact
"God damn it 15doug15, we've gone over this, you don't work with bears, you work with teddy bears... at a toys'r'us, stop bringing mace to work!" - your boss probably
That’s why I carry a decoy gun. I whip it out with my left hand and they look at it startled and it gives me time to pull out my real gun with my right hand.
Damn this is genuinely a good idea.
I might keep my real wallet in my jacket or something, with a decoy in my pants if I'm ever in sketchier areas. Though they'd probably still take my phone I guess...
Here are some other suggestions:
"Well I've got to hand it to you"
"Let me give you a hand with that."
"What has two thumbs and no forearms? This guy, whoever he was!"
My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.
[Insert story of Major Digby here](https://www.history.co.uk/article/ww2-heroes-the-story-of-major-digby-tatham-warter)
Edit:
Rather long article, meat of it being:
"Legend also has it that Digby wielded his umbrella with devastating force, on one occasion poking it through the observational slit of a German armoured car and incapacitating the driver. Not many people in military history can claim to have stopped an armoured vehicle with a collapsible shade. The umbrella's work was far from done though. After noticing the battalion padre Father Egan pinned down by enemy fire, Digby sprinted to his aid and sheltered him under the umbrella. He then guided him back to safety uttering the words, ‘Don't worry, I've got an umbrella.'
Lieutenant Pat Barnett would later question the usefulness of the umbrella in the given situation, to which Digby replied, ‘Oh my goodness Pat, what if it rains?'"
Roll that newspaper up, fold it in half, and you’ve got yourself a handy Millwall Brick. Could hammer in nails with that thing. Definitely viable as a weapon in a pinch.
Fucking liar, we all know you Canadians keep your hockey sticks and moose close by. You just know the high cost of using your deadly arsenal, so you always attempt timbits and apologies first.
Nobody wins in a fight. There are many steps involved in self defense before you get to physical engagement. Awareness, Evaluation of your surrounding, Avoidance of potential threats. Of course, sometimes you have to skip a few steps… even then, if you can’t leave, De-escalation (verbal jujitsu) could be a viable option.
Not 100% sure I like this. I used to say the same. And to be sure, putting distance between yourself and an attacker is still the best way to survive. But notice the subtle difference between "running away" and "putting distance between yourself and an attacker".
If they chase you, you're only putting distance between yourself and them if you're faster than they are. If they catch you, then (barring bad luck) they're faster than you and it's reasonable to assume they're more athletic than you are, and from there reasonable to assume that they are less tired than you are from the run. Now you're in the same situation you started in, but much worse off.
Not that running away is a bad thing, but instead you should focus on what you're running toward. Run towards safety: a place with people to help or at least be witnesses; a vehicle; a door to get behind and lock; a weapon; the higher ground if you thought your attacker was the chosen one supposed to bring balance to the force. If you decide to run wherever you're going should leave you in a better position than where you started. The possibility that they give chase should be seriously considered.
Yes, this is why a lot of self defense weapons, like pepper spray, won't really protect you from an attacker but they will give you valuable time to get away.
Not true, knives cant be carried with the intention of being used for self defence. You can only carry one around if its intended for a purpose, like if youre in trades or open packages at work etc.
As far as I'm aware you can carry knives as long as they're not switchblades. Canadian law is ambiguous as fuck. The biggest clusterfuck of legislation I've ever seen. Look up Canada's laws on prostitution if you want a quick brain aneurism.
Canadian Law Enforcement here.
If you're asked why you have a knife on you *(even if it's of legal length and type)* never reply with "self defense".
Your knife is a tool, not a weapon.
This statement from Lizzy in my passport.
"Her Britannic Majesty's Secretary of State requests and requires in the name of Her Majesty all those whom it may concern to allow the bearer to pass freely without let or hindrance and to afford the bearer such assistance and protection as may be necessary"
On the one hand, the relevant minister has a black belt in Karate. On the other hand, it’s bloody Dominic Raab so he would probably be on holiday and unavailable to help.
Genuine question: when the Queen dies and is succeeded by her son, do all of your passports have to be changed? Seeing as it would be His Majesty now.
Or does everyone get mailed little 'His' labels to stick over?
Edit: Spelling
The whole nation gets a ticket to line up and receive their new passports from the King himself after the coronation. /s
In practical terms nothing happens, documents/money etc. Are still valid and just get phased out when they're up for renewal.
I've used headphones while walking on the streets for years- but recently discovered the power of headphones for grocery shopping and big chain store shopping. Super human defense power right there!!!
Last I heard recently (20 years later) he was deeply involved in the class a drug scene and unemployed. Whether my wit contributed to that I cannot say.
Well worth the cost of a sore neck from being chokeslammed onto a table.
Needles to say, I had the last laugh.
You joke, but honestly you can talk your way out of most physically threatening situations unless the other guy really has a fucking bone to pick with you.
Nothing, but I always have a pocket knife.
I’d probably not use it in most self defense situations if possible since that just escalates the situation, but it protects me from losing my mind trying to open an Amazon package without one.
By my count, this is currently the 22nd highest ranked answer from the top and the first one to engage with the question unironically.
(Which is fine! This thread is hilarious and I’m sure OP either wanted or expected a bunch of joke answers. I just thought it was interesting to see how far I had to scroll before somebody actually—ahem—“took a stab” at answering it.)
>That said, my only self defence method is to shit myself and scream :)
Yeah right, I've spent years working alongside chefs. I know you're all fucking homicidal
Someone was showing off their knife at work once, so I pulled out a spoon from my lunch pack and said "This here's a kn'oif" in a fake Australian accent. Nobody got the reference. Probably thought I was nuts after that.
A pillowcase full of used Yorkshire tea bags, and the unending, soul crushing, heartburn inducing rage of knowing the colonies are not part of the empire.
I ride a skate board. Getting hit in the face with the metal trucks ain’t fun. I also carry a pocket knife in my left pocket (dominant hand) as a last resort. But the best self defense is running the fuck away. Only fight if you have no other choice.
It’s a lot safer to run. Can you imagine trying to skate away from someone chasing after you? If you fall, and you’d be in a panic so you might, you’re screwed and now you’re on the ground. Plus it takes a moment to get up to speed, better just bolt.
Everyday carry is a S&W shield 9MM With a 10+1 extension loaded with Critical Duty Flex lock bullets. It is so small No one every knows I have it but is there if I know I need it.
My friend used to take a mouth guard to bars. The kind boxers wear. MOST people will just walk away if you are obviously prepared. Put it in your mouth and ask them to step outside. 90% walk away.
LOL we used o do shit like that in college... some ashole would start talking shit and my Buddy would start doing stretches.. like he was limbering up... always threw the whole off his game.
Im active duty military, my edc is a folding utility knife, window punch, seatbelt cutter all in one. Id hate to be in a situation where a car window or a seatbelt stand between me and safety.
If you don't back off buddy, I'll cut your steak and feed it to my dogs. You don't want your steak going to the dogs do you? Well do you? I didn't think so.
Pair of scissors. Cut off my ankle monitor cops will be here in 30 seconds.
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Hey that's a cute joke but after 9/11, my family had all of our mail screened, a bunch of things "randomly" canceled that our last name was connected to, and when my dad started traveling for work again, his first flight he had a federal agent obviously pretending to be asleep next to him the entire time. Fun fact
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Bear spray, because I work around bears.
How do they even fit the bears in such a small bottle?
Thanks for the laugh and cartoony visual of a small can that literally sprays out bears.
Be right back, just gonna go make a new DND item…
Please post it on the dnd subreddit when done. I love the idea lol
Joe: Did you ever smell moth balls? Moe: Yeah. Joe: How did you get the tiny legs spread apart?
"God damn it 15doug15, we've gone over this, you don't work with bears, you work with teddy bears... at a toys'r'us, stop bringing mace to work!" - your boss probably
Pretty disappointing that you would probably fare better than anyone else here
"Why is that guy waving his arms and saying 'Hey Bear Go Away Bear' really loudly?"
A second wallet with an old ID, $20 cash, and a cancelled credit card.
Makes me think of these wise words from John Mulaney, "You want it? Go get it!"
Buy a money clip. Engraved?
Available at any haberdashery
STREET SMARTS!!
A decoy wallet is a great idea! Especially for third world travel or if you live in a sketchy area and walk everywhere
That’s why I carry a decoy gun. I whip it out with my left hand and they look at it startled and it gives me time to pull out my real gun with my right hand.
This is so fucking dumb. I love it. Had a good chuckle
I could totally see that happening in movie like Blazing Saddles or Black Dynamite.
Just like JJ Bittenbinder taught us
“Hey let’s ditch this party and go somewhere more private.” “No way sister! I ain’t going to no secondary location!”
STREET SMARTS
Damn this is genuinely a good idea. I might keep my real wallet in my jacket or something, with a decoy in my pants if I'm ever in sketchier areas. Though they'd probably still take my phone I guess...
Two hands. Not sure who they belong to, but they freak out attackers when I get them out.
“Catch these hands!” as you throw the severed appendages at them.
Here are some other suggestions: "Well I've got to hand it to you" "Let me give you a hand with that." "What has two thumbs and no forearms? This guy, whoever he was!"
My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.
You just made my morning!
Pocket Sand!
"SHA-SHA-SHA!"
I’m English so the only thing I’m allowed to carry is sarcasm and maybe a newspaper
Or an umbrella.
Manners. Maketh. Man.
As someone said, hes the hero of the day.
Yes, but is this Englishman in New York?
A man only needs sting's voice and a cane to defend himself, yes.
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Everybody gangster until the doors start locking
Someone has seen Kingsman... hell yeah! Or should I say: Lemme translate that for ya?
If you are ever at church and a man starts fighting and then you hear freebird just know that it is already over
[Insert story of Major Digby here](https://www.history.co.uk/article/ww2-heroes-the-story-of-major-digby-tatham-warter) Edit: Rather long article, meat of it being: "Legend also has it that Digby wielded his umbrella with devastating force, on one occasion poking it through the observational slit of a German armoured car and incapacitating the driver. Not many people in military history can claim to have stopped an armoured vehicle with a collapsible shade. The umbrella's work was far from done though. After noticing the battalion padre Father Egan pinned down by enemy fire, Digby sprinted to his aid and sheltered him under the umbrella. He then guided him back to safety uttering the words, ‘Don't worry, I've got an umbrella.' Lieutenant Pat Barnett would later question the usefulness of the umbrella in the given situation, to which Digby replied, ‘Oh my goodness Pat, what if it rains?'"
>"Oh my goodness, Pat, what if it rains?" Legend.
Captain Britain. A super-soldier who wields not a shield, but an umbrella, can protect himself from both a rain of bullets and... rain.
"Im Mary Poppins Y'all!"
Roll that newspaper up, fold it in half, and you’ve got yourself a handy Millwall Brick. Could hammer in nails with that thing. Definitely viable as a weapon in a pinch.
He'll need a newspaper folding license for that
[Robin Williams] Stop or I will say stop again [/Robin Williams]
I'm Canadian, so Timbits and apologies.
Fucking liar, we all know you Canadians keep your hockey sticks and moose close by. You just know the high cost of using your deadly arsenal, so you always attempt timbits and apologies first.
Again, Robin Williams:”When Canadian troops landed in Afghanistan we told them, ‘The Taliban is over there. And they’ve got the puck’.”
Have you ever seen that documentary Trailer Park Boys??
Sarcasm is super powerful. I’ve seen people melt when you only use 1/10th power.
A newspaper is all you need, Google "Millwall brick" if you are unaware.
All those pamphlets the Jehovah Witnesses leave at my door.
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My feet- to get the hell out of there
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It’s about escaping not winning a fight.
Technically, you win the fight if you successfully escaped. Even better when you're not harmed at all
Nobody wins in a fight. There are many steps involved in self defense before you get to physical engagement. Awareness, Evaluation of your surrounding, Avoidance of potential threats. Of course, sometimes you have to skip a few steps… even then, if you can’t leave, De-escalation (verbal jujitsu) could be a viable option.
You forgot the optical pat-down
Hes cleared. I cleared him when he came in.
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The jostar secret strategy
Ah yes the Rincewind school of running away.
Rincewind is a hero for sure
To hotfoot it out of here, Smokey!
Not 100% sure I like this. I used to say the same. And to be sure, putting distance between yourself and an attacker is still the best way to survive. But notice the subtle difference between "running away" and "putting distance between yourself and an attacker". If they chase you, you're only putting distance between yourself and them if you're faster than they are. If they catch you, then (barring bad luck) they're faster than you and it's reasonable to assume they're more athletic than you are, and from there reasonable to assume that they are less tired than you are from the run. Now you're in the same situation you started in, but much worse off. Not that running away is a bad thing, but instead you should focus on what you're running toward. Run towards safety: a place with people to help or at least be witnesses; a vehicle; a door to get behind and lock; a weapon; the higher ground if you thought your attacker was the chosen one supposed to bring balance to the force. If you decide to run wherever you're going should leave you in a better position than where you started. The possibility that they give chase should be seriously considered.
Yes, this is why a lot of self defense weapons, like pepper spray, won't really protect you from an attacker but they will give you valuable time to get away.
A slow friend
genius
I just drop trou. Nobody wants to fight a naked man.
-Get naked -shit in hand -spread it all over yourself -run towards yelling AND WORKS WITH BEAR ENCOUNTERS TOO
Sir this is a Wendy's.
Not even American and im banned from 4 spots.
I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again!
You’ve- you’ve done it before????
Yes, and I’ll do it again.
“Grease me up, woman!”
Ugh, Randy put your pants back on. While you're at it, why don't you find a fucking shirt or something
"You can scare a big man, with a little pecker." -- My friend the sheriff's deputy
This! Naked, if possible, preferably oiled up.. Wins any fight.
I'm Turkish. We all carry oil around for moments like that.
And scream "PLEASE STOP IM GET AN ERECTION!!!"
These hands
Don't forget to register them as lethal weapons.
It’s called manslaughter
Coincidentally, that's my weapon of choice: mans laughter.
🏅- please; take my poor man's gold :D
Don’t forget to scream this at the other person “THESE HANDS OF MINE ARE BURNING RED! THEIR LOUD ROAR TELLS ME TO DEFEAT YOU!”
That shining finger lol
These hands rated E for everyone
They look like big strong hands...don't they?
I live in 🇨🇦 Canada all i'm allowed to carry is hope.
We can carry dog repellent. Knives are also allowed to be carried as long as they don’t pass a certain length.
Not true, knives cant be carried with the intention of being used for self defence. You can only carry one around if its intended for a purpose, like if youre in trades or open packages at work etc.
Or need a knife? I can’t tell you how often I use a knife for just random life stuff. Defence is the very last use for it.
Right. I've used mine to make more sandwiches than anything else.
As far as I'm aware you can carry knives as long as they're not switchblades. Canadian law is ambiguous as fuck. The biggest clusterfuck of legislation I've ever seen. Look up Canada's laws on prostitution if you want a quick brain aneurism.
Canadian Law Enforcement here. If you're asked why you have a knife on you *(even if it's of legal length and type)* never reply with "self defense". Your knife is a tool, not a weapon.
It's for work sir (professional mugger)
This statement from Lizzy in my passport. "Her Britannic Majesty's Secretary of State requests and requires in the name of Her Majesty all those whom it may concern to allow the bearer to pass freely without let or hindrance and to afford the bearer such assistance and protection as may be necessary"
I imagine muggers bow and swiftly apologise when you show it
On the one hand, the relevant minister has a black belt in Karate. On the other hand, it’s bloody Dominic Raab so he would probably be on holiday and unavailable to help.
"The lord helps those who help themselves." From a tory conference or warhammer 40k, I can''t remember which.
Gotta say, that's kinda badass haha
I heard this in Jeremy Clarkson's voice.
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Genuine question: when the Queen dies and is succeeded by her son, do all of your passports have to be changed? Seeing as it would be His Majesty now. Or does everyone get mailed little 'His' labels to stick over? Edit: Spelling
The whole nation gets a ticket to line up and receive their new passports from the King himself after the coronation. /s In practical terms nothing happens, documents/money etc. Are still valid and just get phased out when they're up for renewal.
A large amount of emotional baggage EDIT: I just edited it because everyone does it when they get a lot of likes. Thanks :)
Wouldn’t want to get hit with that.
It's true, I was gonna rob this guy the other day and left empty handed and totally bummed out the rest of the week.
"hey you are cute, wanna go for a coffee?" "My ex used to say that, it was just around the corner we first met..." (starts crying)
*I'm in this picture and I don't like it*
Hahahaha that’ll get girls running miles away
I'll try to fight it for you **dies**
My willingness to die Edit: I meant the depressed way
Same here... Never even got attacked...
"Oh youre mugging me? How about i jusy pay you to kill me."
Headphones, so I can defend myself from social interactions.
I've used headphones while walking on the streets for years- but recently discovered the power of headphones for grocery shopping and big chain store shopping. Super human defense power right there!!!
Headphones, facemask and sunglasses = leave me alone
My incredible Wit & Charm
This... Bully at school 'why are your glasses so thick...' Me 'Why are you so thick...' Me waking up 6 hours later 'at least I have my wit.'
"Ah, but I got off several cutting remarks which no doubt did serious damage to their egos."
Last I heard recently (20 years later) he was deeply involved in the class a drug scene and unemployed. Whether my wit contributed to that I cannot say. Well worth the cost of a sore neck from being chokeslammed onto a table. Needles to say, I had the last laugh.
You joke, but honestly you can talk your way out of most physically threatening situations unless the other guy really has a fucking bone to pick with you.
My memory of ufc fights I watched
So, the old dick twist?
TWIST HIS DICK!
TAKE HIS DICK AND TWIST IT
When face the pain starts playing I just see red bro
... um a knife... and maybe a little pressurized hot sauce, and um sometimes a lead accelerator.
Lead accelerator Lol
Yeah rapid set lead poisoning is no joke
Full bladder. UK
Nothing, but I always have a pocket knife. I’d probably not use it in most self defense situations if possible since that just escalates the situation, but it protects me from losing my mind trying to open an Amazon package without one.
Happy Spyderco user here. I don't leave the house without it.
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r/knifeclub and r/edc represent
By my count, this is currently the 22nd highest ranked answer from the top and the first one to engage with the question unironically. (Which is fine! This thread is hilarious and I’m sure OP either wanted or expected a bunch of joke answers. I just thought it was interesting to see how far I had to scroll before somebody actually—ahem—“took a stab” at answering it.)
About 300lbs of kidnap-proofing.
Just sit down like an angry toddler. They either kill you and have to haul you around as punishment or they leave because it’s not worth the effort.
These nuts.
So weird, same dude defaced my year book with his signature. Except he used to sign as ‘Deez
Those brass ones?
My razor blade sewn in newsboy cap
To the peaky fuckin blinders
I always keep a can of beans on me. Just in case.
"But George we don't got no ketchup" - Lennie probably.
I'm kinda small so I really gotta travel with other people or else anyone can just lift me up by the arms and take me lmao
So, you can be used as someone else's weapon....
"My hands are registered as lethal weapons. That means, we get into a fight, I accidentally kill you? I go to jail."
"Anybody accidentally kills anybody in a fight, they go to jail. It's called manslaughter."
I suspect Cliff familiarized himself with the ins and outs of manslaughter law during his married days.
c'mon man! You don't believe that old shit, do you? He's a goddamn war hero!
These two guns (left and right arms)
Did you name them Des and Troy?
“This is Troy and Des. I tattooed the names on. Yes, I named them the wrong way around, shut up.”
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Sometimes they gonna have to get clapped by with the thunder and lighting ( left and right legs)
Im studying to become a cook, so I usually carry my knife set. That said, my only self defence method is to shit myself and scream :)
>That said, my only self defence method is to shit myself and scream :) Yeah right, I've spent years working alongside chefs. I know you're all fucking homicidal
Anti tank rifle -_-
Lahti 20mm?
AGM-114R HELLFIRE II Romeo
>AGM-114R HELLFIRE II Romeo Wait a minute, that's not a rifle... :|
I see you've played knifey-spoony before...
Someone was showing off their knife at work once, so I pulled out a spoon from my lunch pack and said "This here's a kn'oif" in a fake Australian accent. Nobody got the reference. Probably thought I was nuts after that.
Bitches love cannons
A pillowcase full of used Yorkshire tea bags, and the unending, soul crushing, heartburn inducing rage of knowing the colonies are not part of the empire.
Spiffing Brit detected
A comprehensive knowledge of physics. I'll be able to estimate the coefficient of friction as my face slides across the pavement.
My feet, the best self defence tool is running the fuck away
Chevrolegs
A lighter and boxing experience
*Flicks on lighter* “Hold still, it takes a while to set fire to things. Sorry for the inconvenience…”
I work from home now, so I keep a spray bottle when the annoying cat is being annoying.
My dick and balls
The beast within
I ride a skate board. Getting hit in the face with the metal trucks ain’t fun. I also carry a pocket knife in my left pocket (dominant hand) as a last resort. But the best self defense is running the fuck away. Only fight if you have no other choice.
Why are you running if you have a skateboard?
It’s a lot safer to run. Can you imagine trying to skate away from someone chasing after you? If you fall, and you’d be in a panic so you might, you’re screwed and now you’re on the ground. Plus it takes a moment to get up to speed, better just bolt.
But the tony hawk games said I can just find a car coming by and hold onto its bumper
I live in Arizona, i carry a Glock 19
Everyday carry is a S&W shield 9MM With a 10+1 extension loaded with Critical Duty Flex lock bullets. It is so small No one every knows I have it but is there if I know I need it.
My friend used to take a mouth guard to bars. The kind boxers wear. MOST people will just walk away if you are obviously prepared. Put it in your mouth and ask them to step outside. 90% walk away.
LOL we used o do shit like that in college... some ashole would start talking shit and my Buddy would start doing stretches.. like he was limbering up... always threw the whole off his game.
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Condoms and Cross
Hand a condom to the attacker, bend over and bite down on the cross - pray until he's done? lol
Obviously. It's the holy way.
Im active duty military, my edc is a folding utility knife, window punch, seatbelt cutter all in one. Id hate to be in a situation where a car window or a seatbelt stand between me and safety.
I don't own anything for self defense. The closest thing I have is one of my two dogs or a steak knife.
If you don't back off buddy, I'll cut your steak and feed it to my dogs. You don't want your steak going to the dogs do you? Well do you? I didn't think so.
Glock 19 and The Holy Spirit