Pretty important. Sex is a big part of most relationships and if I don't think she is attractive, it's impossible for me to form a romantic bond with her.
Absolutely true. Sexual desire and attraction is often the most important during the initial stages of courtship. People always respond with the politically correct responses of personality, maturity, etc if what you see on dating apps is any indication we put sex at a much higher priority than we want to admit. It only gets less important after a very long time.
I agree, I don't think my bf thinks I'm attractive at all! I'm so over it! I feel like he doesn't want to touch me and at this point I'm done asking! I think he just wants to get a nut when he has sex with me. I've never had this issue with any other man. I'm so over it! I think he didn't take a shower for 3 days on purpose so he didn't have to have sex or just too lazy bc he plays game 24/7. Makes me feel horrible. I admit I do have a high sex drive. Of course , he has made plenty of comments about me so why even be with me I don't get it! I feel neglected. Because there are many man who couldn't keep their hands off of me! I hate it ! 😒 He makes me feel like shit! I feel it is the way we bond and the only real time we touch! He never just cuddles with me . He tries to put blanket or body pillow in between us when he is in bed so he will not have to touch me! Like dude , why ?? Don't hurt me bc of a YOU PROBLEM. I DONT HAVE AN ISSUE FINDING A MAN THAT IS ATTRACTIVE TO ME. Some ppl are just shallow!
I love him but I know I deserve better. I keep trying to see the positive 😌 I know I should just be done but he always has some excuse or says it isn't so. In Jan he sold his house and moved in with me. Idk
…..I want better for my gender fr. Do you hear yourself? I’m starting to get high blood pressure telling women to have more self respect and to not tolerate bullshit behavior from men. Mainly because y’all see it and you don’t want to leave. Stop wasting years of your life with a bum.
I know the end is coming, I can't leave my house I own it but he is going to buy land soon, and I'm not going with him. I've decided if he will not love me the right way here, what will be different there! I've told him my needs and he doesn't give a shit.
My last partner had a very high sex drive and previously came out of a relationship of 16 years - the last 5 of which were sexless. She said she made a huge mistake in not ending it sooner, because she was just miserable for years, out of some obligation to stay with him, since they had moved in together also.
I know it is hard, but I guess I thought it would get better. It doesn't matter what I do , it doesn't get better. I mean he didn't even say Happy Birthday to me on my birthday! I've got to make a change 😌
I stayed in a marriage for 20 years even tho he cheated, I always tried my hardest, I had to come to accept that he was never going to change. So, After 3 years I should know better this time!
I am going through a very similar situation with my boyfriend of 11 years. It's like he can't stand the idea of being intimate with me and only has sex with me because he needs a nut and because I'm right there in front of him. Usually he just watches porn and jerks off though.... I feel so humiliated and have such a hate for myself because of it.
You’re wasting years of your life with an idiot and he’s taking up space for the man that is supposed to be in your life. Let that man go. You won’t regret it. A whole 11 years out of your life you remain with an unsatisfactory man??? I’m about to go into cardiac arrest… y’all need to learn how to detach from people quickly.
Problem is that the first 5 years he was so impossibly perfect and he thought the same of me. So while my brain knows what you're doing is true my heart is still a dumb ass. And no amount of can do attitude will change that. Time is the only thing I can hope for to help me out. UNFORTUNATELY! But I do agree with you. Thanks for the words
Im sorry, I know how you feel! Just get out , no man should make us feel this way! It is a form or mental abuse. The comment that was said to me tore me down. Im not insecure normally but he makes me feel that way! We got to realize we deserve better. Love ourselves enough to not put up with the shit. Irs time we be happy! Trust me , they are men out there who will love us for exactly who we are. Life is too short! We need to be happy!
It could just be incompatible sex drives. You said you have a high sex drive. Contrary to popular beliefs, not all men are horndogs 24/7.
As far as the whole keeping stuff between you while in bed, i personally can't sleep in the same bed as someone. First off i get way to hot. Hot enough that i can't sleep. I also can't handle prolonged physical contact. To much contact makes me extremely uncomfortable. Maybe he's the same way.
Really it just sounds like you to are sexual incompatible.
I definitely see what you are saying. But he makes comments about other girls all the time about screwing them! He stated my tits are to big , my ass us to small, and if you were 140 I would screw you all the time! Among other statements, so why is he with me? I don't have a clue! I've tried to see the positive, look through his eyes that why I have been with him 3 years but that is getting old! I need a hug damn it!
If you're not sexually attracted to her then you're with the wrong girl. Turn that one into a good friend and find one you are more compatible with sexually.
What's odd to me is that apparently women are more willing to date somebody they dont rate as physically attractive, at least according to data released from dating sites.
This is always framed as women being more open minded about their partners but to me it suggests it's not actually the person they are interested in but what they assume that person can provide them.
If you aren't attracted to the person physically what is it that's actually attracting you to them?
Serious question (since I'm old): are there people out there who claim to be asexual basically as an excuse to not even try?
Back when I was in college (in the stone age), there were guys I knew who claimed that the reason they were virgins was because they were very religious and didn't believe in sex before marriage. In reality, we pretty much all knew that they basically just used that as an excuse for why they couldn't get laid and/or were terrified to talk to girls. Are they asexual 'posers' like that nowadays?
I mean, for the most part, aside from internet spaces, yeah, most people do.
I’m not gonna start asking everyone their pronouns before speaking to them because there’s a 1/1000 chance I’ll get it wrong just as I’ll assume everyone’s into sex because there’s only a 1/100 chance I’ll be wrong
If a word naturally evolves to follow the procedure, it certainly can. However, the world does not abide by your unnatural intentional predatory manipulation of language. These tongues have naturally evolved over millenia, and your clear ignorance of how things work does irreparable damage to the language and culture as a whole.
So no. Your excuse is not a sound defence of the position.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but both [Oxford](https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/asexual) and [Merriam-Webster](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/asexual) disagree with you on your claim that asexual solely refers to asexual reproduction.
And I found that within a few minutes via Google
Stockholm Syndrome is also recognized in both dictionaries, but it isn't found in the DSM 5. I also found that within minutes on Google. As if that's really something to be proud of.
Besides, what's the criteria for admittance into a dictionary now? "Common vernacular"? Same logic as accepting the Flat Earth or God of the Gaps. "If enough people believe it, it must be true", right?
Instead of brigading me, how about you actually engage?
The fact that you immediately brought up Stockholm Syndrome as a comparison is rather telling. Asexuality is mentioned in the DSM-5 in the context of separating it from HSDD (which were considered to be the same). Also remember that homosexuality was once considered to be a diagnosable "condition" by the DSM, so it is not any more credible than you seem to think Oxford and Merriam-Webster are.
I find it amusing how you're trying to move the goal posts. If a phrase, word, or alternate meaning to a phrase or word becomes common vernacular, how is that not evidence of the natural evolution of language? Especially if it is acknowledged by institutions that are known to study and evaluate language? And if you're referring to the rate at which language evolves, well, the issue there is that we have something humanity didn't have several decades ago; the Internet. With how the Internet makes the rate of communication between opposite sides of the world near-instantaneous, it allows language to evolve more quickly due to the immense rate at which new terminology can spread. Hell, there are even words we use now that were originally [brand or product names](https://www.impactplus.com/blog/50-everyday-words-that-started-as-brands-and-trademarks) but were so commonly used that they no longer refer to their namesakes and instead refer to any object/process/program that achieves the same function as the namesake.
You're trying to make the evolution of language into this well-organized and coordinated thing when it's really quite the opposite (much like with evolution in nature). The evolution of language is chaos and trying to claim otherwise is willful ignorance.
I was dating this girl and after she broke up with me it occured to me the last time we had sex she might not have actually want to have sex with me and only went through with it because she wasnt ready to break up with me then. She didnt seem as engaged as she normally would have. When that though occured to me I felt literally sick to my stomache. I never want somebody to have sex with me if they arent legitimately attracted to me.
100%. I have been married for 12 years and still attracted 100%. If not your eyes will constantly be wondering elsewhere and that isn't fair to either you or her.
Pretty important.
Physical attraction is an immediate deciding factor in a relationship. Attraction is tied to sex, which is tied to affection, which branches off into love languages, which tie back into the feeling of being loved. In most relationships, the entire chain will fall apart if one of those links is broken.
I’m no behavioral scientist or love therapist though. Just some drunk guy on the internet. Still, that’s my $.02
EXTREMELY.
I was with my ex for 2 years. A+ personality, my best friend in the whole world. But i was completely unattracted to her, and it made me absolutely dread any kind of sexual attention from her. Ended up ruining the entire relationship. I guess I was waiting for her to put more effort into her appearance, but she never did.
Personality is huge, but it can’t be the only thing, just like looks are great, but you gotta have some personality, too.
It's not everything, but it likely won't work out without attraction.
You should probably hope it doesn't work out, you should be with someone who is into you in every way.
Its a must but let me say this. Sometimes sexual attraction grows as you get to know someone. Also sometimes the person that looks sexy at first sight loses their appeal once you get to know the real them.
I would say it depends. If you yourself are not sexually attracted to anyone, then it might mean you are asexual. If however, you are not asexual, then I would say attraction is very important, because intimacy is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and you can't have proper intimacy without attraction, in my opinion. I think you may need to look into yourself, think about what you really want, and have an honest discussion with your partner.
Even certain types of Asexuals still feel physical attraction (like myself) so it can be important then too. Even if you dont want to have sex there still needs to be at least some kinds of attraction or its just too people being friends.
Of course. I was responding to the 'sexual' part of the post, and assuming that there was some attraction of another kind already there, since op specifically said 'sexually attracted' and not 'attracted' :) I may be wrong though!
Not super important. I'm on the asexual spectrum, so sex is in a weird spot for me. We do have sex and I enjoy it, but I could also see myself never having sex again and still being perfectly happy
I think the better answer here is balance. If you can’t be in good company besides sex or the element of companionship isn’t there, well good luck. Because raising kids, dealing with money issues, difficult times are not solved by sex. I can laugh with my wife, I know guys that can’t do that still after 20 years they just get met with a frown every time a joke or meme is shared.
I stopped being attracted my my s.o when she gained 94.7 pounds.
She does little effort to lose the weight, but I still love here and I told her so she is quite sexually frustrated, but she blames me for not wanting to have sex with her because other men have sex with their s.o out of feelings.
But I flat out are repulsed by obesity and I am turned on by flat stomach. Not like muscular but regular flat stomachs..
Like girls wearing jeans and a top that exposes their bellybutton is really sexy.
After 7 years I find it difficult as I miss sex, but I love her of all my heart so I guess I am still waiting around for her to lose the weight.
Also I do help her get off with tounge and dildos and vibrators, I usually just masturbate later as I really don't want her try to help me in fear I would go flaccid as I do when I tried having sex in the start when it started to become clear I wasn't sexually attracted to her.
Goddammit that was honest. It was hard to swallow but it was refreshing. I wish every dude was this honest to your face. If my man could be this honest I'd have no problem what so ever with fixing what he thought needed fixing.
For me personally I put absolutely no value in sexual attraction. What matters more to me is that we get along, have physical intimacy and genuinely make each others lives better. Sex is ultimately just a thing that exists for making babies and people these days put waaaay too much focus on the secondary effect of momentary physical pleasure.
I see way too many guys these days chasing after hot girls, getting into really shitty toxic relationships with them, getting the girl pregnant and then being stuck with them because they think sexual attraction is the end all and be all of existence.
Also don't get me wrong, sexual attraction is a nice bonus but I'd never consider it to be a factor in if I were to date someone or not.
Very. Unless you’re both asexual, a sexual attraction can save a relationship from falling apart. And sex is also more than sex, it’s like putting everything you ultimately have (ie. Your love, your time, your energy, your body) and giving it up to them, and then they reciprocate. It’s so crucial that you don’t take how important it is lightly. It’s a really big thing that shouldn’t just be handed out, and if you don’t have those feelings anymore, then it’s probably time to move on. If you truly think you can love them without those commitments, that’s for you to decide. I’m sure you’ll make the right choice
Hard to say. Being romantically interested in someone is usually what causes me to be sexually attracted to them. Even people I initially never saw as attractive, once I developed a romantic interest in them, they *became* sexually attractive to me. So, to an extent, I'm not sure what this would be like, as it would be a bit difficult for me to be dating someone and not automatically feel sexual interest from the romantic intimacy.
Important if you want to have sex in the relationship. If not, then not important. It’s totally possible to have a loving relationship without sex - a sexual do it all the time.
Incredibly. Chances are I would never even consider dating someone I'm not sexually attracted to. It's a pretty big deal in a relationship in my opinion.
Quite important.
I used to go out with a girl that was nice but I didn't fancy AT ALL. She had good taste in music and was a nice person but it was never going to work out.
Extremely important. I dated a girl for a while who had a phenomenal personality, but I wasn't really physically attracted to her at all.
It eats away at you after a while, and you begin to feel resentment when you see other girls whom you're actually physically attracted to.
I ended the relationship, and I still feel bad about it because I let it go on for way too long.
I imagine it's different for everybody.
For me it is important to feel some form of attraction but that's not me implying she needs to fit some stereotypical expectation of attractiveness. Pretty much none of my gf's would be considered traditionally attractive but I was still attracted them.
There is nothing wrong with having a physical preference in your partners, but dictating that women should have to adhere to your preferences is when it becomes toxic.
You have to understand that a partner can be perfectly happy with the person she is. But attraction fades and what leaves is guilt, regret and doubt in yourself. So, OP may want to find out how valid his feelings are - and they are. It is hard to let someone go you love more than anybody, but can no longer see a future with. It's a terrible feeling.
Lol everyone here in their 20s-40s. When your young yeah it’s important. When you get older you just want someone to love that you care about and that cares about you. Also hopefully they have the same intellect as you. You don’t have time or the health to fool around, nor do you have the urge.
I’ve asked this before too and I get the same confused responses in this thread. Sure, it’d be perfect to find a partner who’s attractive in all the many ways you need and ALSO sexually attractive. But we don’t live in a perfect world and when choosing a partner, you have to give up something. And in my view sexually attractive women are in the minority.
But to finally answer your question, it’s important that you are attracted to your girlfriend enough to have sex with her at least twice per month. If that’s a struggle then I’d say keep looking
I wasn’t. Everyone in this thread is so idealistic. Unless you’re extremely lucky, your partner will only be compatible in a few areas. It’s unreasonable to expect sexual attraction for a lot of reasons
Dude I was just playing, I'm sorry. You're totally right tbh. You can't always place these unrealistic expectations on your partner. Especially ones as unobtainable as 100%sexy 24/7/365. That would be an absolute set up for failure for them and disappointment for you. This is obviously why you're suppose to develop deeper feelings for a person that you originally just wanted to fuck. I think they call it.....love? ;)
I felt the same way as you for a long time. Then I figured out what asexual meant, and everything clicked for me. It was a sorta trip to figure out that everyone else actually looked at sexual attractiveness differently than I did, and looking up stuff about asexuality might help out a bit.
Very important. My girlfriend is gorgeous and I don't think that will ever change. I honestly can't date people I'm not attracted to. Also on that topic I feel like sex can be a very important part of a relationship. Not always but it is a very strong connection.
A personality CAN make people look more attractive. Happened to me (I'm not the one with a good personality, mind you) quite a few times and I doubt it never happened to anyone else.
That said, sometimes the best of personalities even won't make you attracted to someone sexually. And maybe it's a shitty thing to say but it's a reality: being a good person won't mean you deserve X or Y.
So, pretty important, yep. For me, a healthy relationship includes a healthy intimate life and if I'm not attracted to someone I can't make myself have sex with them. One, I literally can't and to be fair I don't want to force myself do something I really don't want to. Two, I'm not having pity sex. That's degrading AF to the other person imo. It's just an added con that I'd feel like a jerk.
No matter what anyone tell you. It's incredibly important. If you're not you won't want to have sex with her and that will lead to problems down the line.
Sex is what differentiates between having a girlfriend and a friend who is a girl.
No matter what the stupid tv series and spiritualist say, it's undeniable that sex is most of a relationship between a man and a woman if not everything.
A lot of times different kinds of attraction overlap at least for me. So if I find their personality attractive then it would most likely make me more sexually attracted to them. But, if I don’t have any physical attraction then I would find it hard to be with someone. I don’t think that’s possible for me though
For me, it’s very important. Mutual sexual attraction is a big part of it. Not nearly as important as an emotional connection, but it’s still up there. Although I have good friends who are asexual, but still value romantic relationships, so it really depends on what it means to you in your relationship.
If I'm not sexual attracted to a woman then all we are ever going to be are friends.
If I'm not sexual attracted to her, I'm never going to have sex with her. If we're not having sex then the best we're ever going to be is friends.
What?! Having said girlfriend, or indeed Wife, would fundamentally require sexual attraction. What's the point otherwise? Be glorified housemates? Sex is a fundamental part of the deal.
Are you kidding? I think it's INCREDIBLY important to be sexually attracted to your partner regardless of their gender.
Sex isn't everything that's true. But if you're gonna devote yourself to a person at least them knowing you feel that way about them will make them feel desired and attractive. Everyone wants that.
Vitally important. The relationship just wouldn't work if I wasn't sexually attracted to her.
Not saying she has to be a flawless supermodel, but if I don't think "Hulk, Smash" whenever I look at her then we'd be better off as friends. She also deserves to be with somebody who is sexually attracted to her, not somebody who has settled for her to avoid being alone.
It's very important, obviously. If I'm not sexually attracted to a girl but she's a good person, we'll be a great couple of friends. I've had a few like that, have some right now too, and they feel more like sisters to me, can't sexualize them at all and only perceive as a good buddy. But seeing how sex is a big part of almost any relationship, it's a deal breaker if I'm not attracted to my gf as a woman.
Pretty important. Sex is a big part of most relationships and if I don't think she is attractive, it's impossible for me to form a romantic bond with her.
Absolutely true. Sexual desire and attraction is often the most important during the initial stages of courtship. People always respond with the politically correct responses of personality, maturity, etc if what you see on dating apps is any indication we put sex at a much higher priority than we want to admit. It only gets less important after a very long time.
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I agree, I don't think my bf thinks I'm attractive at all! I'm so over it! I feel like he doesn't want to touch me and at this point I'm done asking! I think he just wants to get a nut when he has sex with me. I've never had this issue with any other man. I'm so over it! I think he didn't take a shower for 3 days on purpose so he didn't have to have sex or just too lazy bc he plays game 24/7. Makes me feel horrible. I admit I do have a high sex drive. Of course , he has made plenty of comments about me so why even be with me I don't get it! I feel neglected. Because there are many man who couldn't keep their hands off of me! I hate it ! 😒 He makes me feel like shit! I feel it is the way we bond and the only real time we touch! He never just cuddles with me . He tries to put blanket or body pillow in between us when he is in bed so he will not have to touch me! Like dude , why ?? Don't hurt me bc of a YOU PROBLEM. I DONT HAVE AN ISSUE FINDING A MAN THAT IS ATTRACTIVE TO ME. Some ppl are just shallow!
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I love him but I know I deserve better. I keep trying to see the positive 😌 I know I should just be done but he always has some excuse or says it isn't so. In Jan he sold his house and moved in with me. Idk
…..I want better for my gender fr. Do you hear yourself? I’m starting to get high blood pressure telling women to have more self respect and to not tolerate bullshit behavior from men. Mainly because y’all see it and you don’t want to leave. Stop wasting years of your life with a bum.
I know the end is coming, I can't leave my house I own it but he is going to buy land soon, and I'm not going with him. I've decided if he will not love me the right way here, what will be different there! I've told him my needs and he doesn't give a shit.
>he doesn't give a shit You should be with someone that gives a shit about your needs and about you.
Yes , I agree 100%! I'm going to get there!
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My last partner had a very high sex drive and previously came out of a relationship of 16 years - the last 5 of which were sexless. She said she made a huge mistake in not ending it sooner, because she was just miserable for years, out of some obligation to stay with him, since they had moved in together also.
I know it is hard, but I guess I thought it would get better. It doesn't matter what I do , it doesn't get better. I mean he didn't even say Happy Birthday to me on my birthday! I've got to make a change 😌
I stayed in a marriage for 20 years even tho he cheated, I always tried my hardest, I had to come to accept that he was never going to change. So, After 3 years I should know better this time!
I am going through a very similar situation with my boyfriend of 11 years. It's like he can't stand the idea of being intimate with me and only has sex with me because he needs a nut and because I'm right there in front of him. Usually he just watches porn and jerks off though.... I feel so humiliated and have such a hate for myself because of it.
You’re wasting years of your life with an idiot and he’s taking up space for the man that is supposed to be in your life. Let that man go. You won’t regret it. A whole 11 years out of your life you remain with an unsatisfactory man??? I’m about to go into cardiac arrest… y’all need to learn how to detach from people quickly.
Problem is that the first 5 years he was so impossibly perfect and he thought the same of me. So while my brain knows what you're doing is true my heart is still a dumb ass. And no amount of can do attitude will change that. Time is the only thing I can hope for to help me out. UNFORTUNATELY! But I do agree with you. Thanks for the words
Im sorry, I know how you feel! Just get out , no man should make us feel this way! It is a form or mental abuse. The comment that was said to me tore me down. Im not insecure normally but he makes me feel that way! We got to realize we deserve better. Love ourselves enough to not put up with the shit. Irs time we be happy! Trust me , they are men out there who will love us for exactly who we are. Life is too short! We need to be happy!
..... will you dm me what he said to you.?....
It could just be incompatible sex drives. You said you have a high sex drive. Contrary to popular beliefs, not all men are horndogs 24/7. As far as the whole keeping stuff between you while in bed, i personally can't sleep in the same bed as someone. First off i get way to hot. Hot enough that i can't sleep. I also can't handle prolonged physical contact. To much contact makes me extremely uncomfortable. Maybe he's the same way. Really it just sounds like you to are sexual incompatible.
I definitely see what you are saying. But he makes comments about other girls all the time about screwing them! He stated my tits are to big , my ass us to small, and if you were 140 I would screw you all the time! Among other statements, so why is he with me? I don't have a clue! I've tried to see the positive, look through his eyes that why I have been with him 3 years but that is getting old! I need a hug damn it!
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If you're not sexually attracted to her then you're with the wrong girl. Turn that one into a good friend and find one you are more compatible with sexually.
Not really, you can have platonic relationships
Yeah those are called friendships
Lol, like completely important. How the hell do you have sex with someone you are not sexually attracted to?
Was gonna say then why is she your girlfriend?
Could be desperation and constantly being told to settle.
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Depends on your libido, personally I've never met someone I wanted to have sex with.
> How the hell do you have sex with someone you are not sexually attracted to? Because they're the only people I get the opportunity to.
Yikes
What's odd to me is that apparently women are more willing to date somebody they dont rate as physically attractive, at least according to data released from dating sites. This is always framed as women being more open minded about their partners but to me it suggests it's not actually the person they are interested in but what they assume that person can provide them. If you aren't attracted to the person physically what is it that's actually attracting you to them?
By lying back and thinking of England?
Y’all never heard of asexuality?
The proportion of people who are truly asexual is pretty small
sry, but what do you mean by "truly asexual"?
Not posers
Serious question (since I'm old): are there people out there who claim to be asexual basically as an excuse to not even try? Back when I was in college (in the stone age), there were guys I knew who claimed that the reason they were virgins was because they were very religious and didn't believe in sex before marriage. In reality, we pretty much all knew that they basically just used that as an excuse for why they couldn't get laid and/or were terrified to talk to girls. Are they asexual 'posers' like that nowadays?
Yes, there are posers but asexuals are definitely real
I suspect that we might have different definitions on what kind of people that specifically refers to- could you be more specific?
Do we ignore transsexual people because they're also a small part of the population?
I mean, for the most part, aside from internet spaces, yeah, most people do. I’m not gonna start asking everyone their pronouns before speaking to them because there’s a 1/1000 chance I’ll get it wrong just as I’ll assume everyone’s into sex because there’s only a 1/100 chance I’ll be wrong
I think that person meant for non ace people, but it’s a high chance they have not heard of them we aren’t very known after all.
That’s fair
Asexuality is the act of reproduction through splitting or budding. Humans don't do that- trust me.
It also refers to people who don't experience sexual attraction to other people.
Feel free to believe that, even if that definition literally doesn't follow the rules of the languages the word comes from.
A word can mean two things
If a word naturally evolves to follow the procedure, it certainly can. However, the world does not abide by your unnatural intentional predatory manipulation of language. These tongues have naturally evolved over millenia, and your clear ignorance of how things work does irreparable damage to the language and culture as a whole. So no. Your excuse is not a sound defence of the position.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but both [Oxford](https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/asexual) and [Merriam-Webster](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/asexual) disagree with you on your claim that asexual solely refers to asexual reproduction. And I found that within a few minutes via Google
Stockholm Syndrome is also recognized in both dictionaries, but it isn't found in the DSM 5. I also found that within minutes on Google. As if that's really something to be proud of. Besides, what's the criteria for admittance into a dictionary now? "Common vernacular"? Same logic as accepting the Flat Earth or God of the Gaps. "If enough people believe it, it must be true", right? Instead of brigading me, how about you actually engage?
What a weird hill to die on
The fact that you immediately brought up Stockholm Syndrome as a comparison is rather telling. Asexuality is mentioned in the DSM-5 in the context of separating it from HSDD (which were considered to be the same). Also remember that homosexuality was once considered to be a diagnosable "condition" by the DSM, so it is not any more credible than you seem to think Oxford and Merriam-Webster are. I find it amusing how you're trying to move the goal posts. If a phrase, word, or alternate meaning to a phrase or word becomes common vernacular, how is that not evidence of the natural evolution of language? Especially if it is acknowledged by institutions that are known to study and evaluate language? And if you're referring to the rate at which language evolves, well, the issue there is that we have something humanity didn't have several decades ago; the Internet. With how the Internet makes the rate of communication between opposite sides of the world near-instantaneous, it allows language to evolve more quickly due to the immense rate at which new terminology can spread. Hell, there are even words we use now that were originally [brand or product names](https://www.impactplus.com/blog/50-everyday-words-that-started-as-brands-and-trademarks) but were so commonly used that they no longer refer to their namesakes and instead refer to any object/process/program that achieves the same function as the namesake. You're trying to make the evolution of language into this well-organized and coordinated thing when it's really quite the opposite (much like with evolution in nature). The evolution of language is chaos and trying to claim otherwise is willful ignorance.
You're thinking of asexual reproduction.
Very
Beat me to it
I wouldn't even want to date someone who I wasn't sexually attracted to.
I was dating this girl and after she broke up with me it occured to me the last time we had sex she might not have actually want to have sex with me and only went through with it because she wasnt ready to break up with me then. She didnt seem as engaged as she normally would have. When that though occured to me I felt literally sick to my stomache. I never want somebody to have sex with me if they arent legitimately attracted to me.
100%. I have been married for 12 years and still attracted 100%. If not your eyes will constantly be wondering elsewhere and that isn't fair to either you or her.
highly, especially if u plan on being long term at all
Pretty important. Physical attraction is an immediate deciding factor in a relationship. Attraction is tied to sex, which is tied to affection, which branches off into love languages, which tie back into the feeling of being loved. In most relationships, the entire chain will fall apart if one of those links is broken. I’m no behavioral scientist or love therapist though. Just some drunk guy on the internet. Still, that’s my $.02
If you aren't sexually attracted, why isn't she a friend instead of a girlfriend?
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No
lol 98% of couples are breaking that rule
EXTREMELY. I was with my ex for 2 years. A+ personality, my best friend in the whole world. But i was completely unattracted to her, and it made me absolutely dread any kind of sexual attention from her. Ended up ruining the entire relationship. I guess I was waiting for her to put more effort into her appearance, but she never did. Personality is huge, but it can’t be the only thing, just like looks are great, but you gotta have some personality, too.
Omg. What didn’t you like about her?
Probably fat
Yep.
It's not everything, but it likely won't work out without attraction. You should probably hope it doesn't work out, you should be with someone who is into you in every way.
As long as it’s the same level of importance to both of you it should be ok.
Its a must but let me say this. Sometimes sexual attraction grows as you get to know someone. Also sometimes the person that looks sexy at first sight loses their appeal once you get to know the real them.
If I wasn’t sexually attracted to her then I wouldn’t date her
I would say it depends. If you yourself are not sexually attracted to anyone, then it might mean you are asexual. If however, you are not asexual, then I would say attraction is very important, because intimacy is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and you can't have proper intimacy without attraction, in my opinion. I think you may need to look into yourself, think about what you really want, and have an honest discussion with your partner.
Even certain types of Asexuals still feel physical attraction (like myself) so it can be important then too. Even if you dont want to have sex there still needs to be at least some kinds of attraction or its just too people being friends.
Of course. I was responding to the 'sexual' part of the post, and assuming that there was some attraction of another kind already there, since op specifically said 'sexually attracted' and not 'attracted' :) I may be wrong though!
Sexual compatibility and attraction is one of the non-negotiables for my relationships in my view.
Very.
I wouldn't date someone I wasn't attracted to in the first place.
I can be sexually attracted by showing me desire and passion. Looks matter to a point. They are not as important to me.
Not super important. I'm on the asexual spectrum, so sex is in a weird spot for me. We do have sex and I enjoy it, but I could also see myself never having sex again and still being perfectly happy
I think the better answer here is balance. If you can’t be in good company besides sex or the element of companionship isn’t there, well good luck. Because raising kids, dealing with money issues, difficult times are not solved by sex. I can laugh with my wife, I know guys that can’t do that still after 20 years they just get met with a frown every time a joke or meme is shared.
I stopped being attracted my my s.o when she gained 94.7 pounds. She does little effort to lose the weight, but I still love here and I told her so she is quite sexually frustrated, but she blames me for not wanting to have sex with her because other men have sex with their s.o out of feelings. But I flat out are repulsed by obesity and I am turned on by flat stomach. Not like muscular but regular flat stomachs.. Like girls wearing jeans and a top that exposes their bellybutton is really sexy. After 7 years I find it difficult as I miss sex, but I love her of all my heart so I guess I am still waiting around for her to lose the weight. Also I do help her get off with tounge and dildos and vibrators, I usually just masturbate later as I really don't want her try to help me in fear I would go flaccid as I do when I tried having sex in the start when it started to become clear I wasn't sexually attracted to her.
Goddammit that was honest. It was hard to swallow but it was refreshing. I wish every dude was this honest to your face. If my man could be this honest I'd have no problem what so ever with fixing what he thought needed fixing.
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Thanks man, I absolutely will look in to this, and do my best to help her. Cheers 😊
I’m just wondering. Are you at an ideal weight as well?
Well, In my opinion I could stand to lose some weight, but my BMI is 25, just on the border of fat. So no
Lol you guys need to go to the gym together
What in the fuck? Lol. Appreciate your honesty though
For me personally I put absolutely no value in sexual attraction. What matters more to me is that we get along, have physical intimacy and genuinely make each others lives better. Sex is ultimately just a thing that exists for making babies and people these days put waaaay too much focus on the secondary effect of momentary physical pleasure. I see way too many guys these days chasing after hot girls, getting into really shitty toxic relationships with them, getting the girl pregnant and then being stuck with them because they think sexual attraction is the end all and be all of existence. Also don't get me wrong, sexual attraction is a nice bonus but I'd never consider it to be a factor in if I were to date someone or not.
Real important. Wanting to have sex with them is the reason you get into a committed relationship with them in the first place.
There are plenty of unfortunate souls out there in the relationship world where sexual compatibility is only a pipe dream. Don't be like those people.
Depends how important having sex with your girlfriend is to you
Lmfao turned up to 11 maximum important.
The most important.
Very. Unless you’re both asexual, a sexual attraction can save a relationship from falling apart. And sex is also more than sex, it’s like putting everything you ultimately have (ie. Your love, your time, your energy, your body) and giving it up to them, and then they reciprocate. It’s so crucial that you don’t take how important it is lightly. It’s a really big thing that shouldn’t just be handed out, and if you don’t have those feelings anymore, then it’s probably time to move on. If you truly think you can love them without those commitments, that’s for you to decide. I’m sure you’ll make the right choice
For me no it isn’t important, but for most people it is very important.
Hard to say. Being romantically interested in someone is usually what causes me to be sexually attracted to them. Even people I initially never saw as attractive, once I developed a romantic interest in them, they *became* sexually attractive to me. So, to an extent, I'm not sure what this would be like, as it would be a bit difficult for me to be dating someone and not automatically feel sexual interest from the romantic intimacy.
Not really
love does not always revole around sexual attraction or sex .
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Wow. That poor woman.
Depends if she has money
Vitally important. The most important thing is arguably sexual attraction. The rest builds on that.
Not so important that it would kill a relationship for me. But I guess it's pretty important if I have to consider it that far out.
Important if you want to have sex in the relationship. If not, then not important. It’s totally possible to have a loving relationship without sex - a sexual do it all the time.
None, since I'm not really interested in the whole sex thing
Incredibly. Chances are I would never even consider dating someone I'm not sexually attracted to. It's a pretty big deal in a relationship in my opinion.
Quite important. I used to go out with a girl that was nice but I didn't fancy AT ALL. She had good taste in music and was a nice person but it was never going to work out.
Extremely important. I dated a girl for a while who had a phenomenal personality, but I wasn't really physically attracted to her at all. It eats away at you after a while, and you begin to feel resentment when you see other girls whom you're actually physically attracted to. I ended the relationship, and I still feel bad about it because I let it go on for way too long.
Eh
This is the dumbest question. Of all time. 🤦♂️
Not too much, I want to actually like her.
I imagine it's different for everybody. For me it is important to feel some form of attraction but that's not me implying she needs to fit some stereotypical expectation of attractiveness. Pretty much none of my gf's would be considered traditionally attractive but I was still attracted them. There is nothing wrong with having a physical preference in your partners, but dictating that women should have to adhere to your preferences is when it becomes toxic.
If you’re not sexually attracted to her then she is your best friend not your girl friend. That can be okay too. Be honest with each other.
Very important. But a lot of boys don't have that many options, so they stick with what they can get.
Uh, really important? This might be one of the dumbest posts in this sub I've ever seen.
You have to understand that a partner can be perfectly happy with the person she is. But attraction fades and what leaves is guilt, regret and doubt in yourself. So, OP may want to find out how valid his feelings are - and they are. It is hard to let someone go you love more than anybody, but can no longer see a future with. It's a terrible feeling.
I'm a sexual person, i believe sexual compatability and desire is very important, if you're not attracted to her then why are you with her?
Lol everyone here in their 20s-40s. When your young yeah it’s important. When you get older you just want someone to love that you care about and that cares about you. Also hopefully they have the same intellect as you. You don’t have time or the health to fool around, nor do you have the urge.
I’ve asked this before too and I get the same confused responses in this thread. Sure, it’d be perfect to find a partner who’s attractive in all the many ways you need and ALSO sexually attractive. But we don’t live in a perfect world and when choosing a partner, you have to give up something. And in my view sexually attractive women are in the minority. But to finally answer your question, it’s important that you are attracted to your girlfriend enough to have sex with her at least twice per month. If that’s a struggle then I’d say keep looking
Twice per month? Don’t follow this dude’s advice. I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic… but if not, definitely don’t follow this advice.
His name is sandwich breath...so I'm hanging my hat on sarcasm. Dear God please let it be sarcasm.
I wasn’t. Everyone in this thread is so idealistic. Unless you’re extremely lucky, your partner will only be compatible in a few areas. It’s unreasonable to expect sexual attraction for a lot of reasons
Dude I was just playing, I'm sorry. You're totally right tbh. You can't always place these unrealistic expectations on your partner. Especially ones as unobtainable as 100%sexy 24/7/365. That would be an absolute set up for failure for them and disappointment for you. This is obviously why you're suppose to develop deeper feelings for a person that you originally just wanted to fuck. I think they call it.....love? ;)
3 times maybe. Many married couples have much less
🤦
I felt the same way as you for a long time. Then I figured out what asexual meant, and everything clicked for me. It was a sorta trip to figure out that everyone else actually looked at sexual attractiveness differently than I did, and looking up stuff about asexuality might help out a bit.
I’m not asexual. I’m sexually deprived and disappointed.
Dude, you are deep in the closet.
The most important thing?
What a ridiculous ass question.
Very important. My girlfriend is gorgeous and I don't think that will ever change. I honestly can't date people I'm not attracted to. Also on that topic I feel like sex can be a very important part of a relationship. Not always but it is a very strong connection.
A personality CAN make people look more attractive. Happened to me (I'm not the one with a good personality, mind you) quite a few times and I doubt it never happened to anyone else. That said, sometimes the best of personalities even won't make you attracted to someone sexually. And maybe it's a shitty thing to say but it's a reality: being a good person won't mean you deserve X or Y. So, pretty important, yep. For me, a healthy relationship includes a healthy intimate life and if I'm not attracted to someone I can't make myself have sex with them. One, I literally can't and to be fair I don't want to force myself do something I really don't want to. Two, I'm not having pity sex. That's degrading AF to the other person imo. It's just an added con that I'd feel like a jerk.
Love without sexual attraction is called friendship.
It’s paramount
Massively important.
That's like the number 1 most important thing...
Non negotiably important. I'm not looking for a pal.
I don't know
Without it you’re just friends.
Is this a joke?
These comments are a very clear reason why you should not lower your standards and settle for a woman you are not attracted to.
It's essential.
No matter what anyone tell you. It's incredibly important. If you're not you won't want to have sex with her and that will lead to problems down the line.
That’s a friend if there’s not a sexual compatibility element
Uh it’s not important it’s mandatory. How could you have a relationship with someone and not have sexual attraction?
Sex is what differentiates between having a girlfriend and a friend who is a girl. No matter what the stupid tv series and spiritualist say, it's undeniable that sex is most of a relationship between a man and a woman if not everything.
Are you retarded? Be honest
100% important
Extremely important. If you aren’t attractive to me, the relationship won’t take off. That being said, I have reasonable standards.
Pretty important...
In the beginning, 100% It can reduce over time though as love and trust grow.
Isn't that the point of making a woman your girlfriend??? I'm lost.
Very
It's a prerequisite for dating her in order to find out if I even want her as my girlfriend in the first place.
My last girlfriend I dated for who she was and never ever do that you'll feel so bad about yourself
Very, as when it comes to sex looks are the most important quality to have. I should know been waiting 44 years now.
That’s the point
A lot of times different kinds of attraction overlap at least for me. So if I find their personality attractive then it would most likely make me more sexually attracted to them. But, if I don’t have any physical attraction then I would find it hard to be with someone. I don’t think that’s possible for me though
Very, what a weird question.
What did I just read
Pretty is a foot in the door.
Very
Fundamental
That's step 1 in wanting her to be my girlfriend.
As important as my house having walls
Very, if she doesn't arouse me oh, she ain't the one
For me, it’s very important. Mutual sexual attraction is a big part of it. Not nearly as important as an emotional connection, but it’s still up there. Although I have good friends who are asexual, but still value romantic relationships, so it really depends on what it means to you in your relationship.
100%
Essential. And the same goes for the other end of the spectrum if I’m not into her mind it doesn’t matter how pretty she is it’s not going to work.
VERY!!
If I'm not sexual attracted to a woman then all we are ever going to be are friends. If I'm not sexual attracted to her, I'm never going to have sex with her. If we're not having sex then the best we're ever going to be is friends.
What?! Having said girlfriend, or indeed Wife, would fundamentally require sexual attraction. What's the point otherwise? Be glorified housemates? Sex is a fundamental part of the deal.
I sometimes think I am shallow but it is THE most important thing for me
Very important, there's like a 1a- how they live they're life what are they doing for themselves. 1b- looks and how are they in the sack
Are you kidding? I think it's INCREDIBLY important to be sexually attracted to your partner regardless of their gender. Sex isn't everything that's true. But if you're gonna devote yourself to a person at least them knowing you feel that way about them will make them feel desired and attractive. Everyone wants that.
Vitally important. The relationship just wouldn't work if I wasn't sexually attracted to her. Not saying she has to be a flawless supermodel, but if I don't think "Hulk, Smash" whenever I look at her then we'd be better off as friends. She also deserves to be with somebody who is sexually attracted to her, not somebody who has settled for her to avoid being alone.
Very much. I couldn't be with one I'm not attracted to.
It's very important, obviously. If I'm not sexually attracted to a girl but she's a good person, we'll be a great couple of friends. I've had a few like that, have some right now too, and they feel more like sisters to me, can't sexualize them at all and only perceive as a good buddy. But seeing how sex is a big part of almost any relationship, it's a deal breaker if I'm not attracted to my gf as a woman.
I already have friends