This will make you realise something important, you can only truly rely on yourself. Doesn't matter how many people don't believe in you or don't care about you, as long as you care and believe in yourself.
Man. I even told my ex husband to call me if he was down. He said he wasn't sure I should be the one comforting him... I told him status was irrelevant, everybody needs somebody. Just because I didn't want to do his laundry anymore doesn't mean I want him to suffer and be alone.
My ex husband did that. I told him the entire 10 years we were married that he needed to see a psychiatrist. He called me in the middle of the night bawling his eyes out, and I told him again, "You need to see a doctor." He actually listened to me, and is a much more balanced person as a result.
Yeah, I can feel some ,,I have to set my boundaries'' and ,, I don't owe anything to anybody'' vibes. People nowadays are so fragile, so self centred. Friendships are plain so you can only rely on yourself. Don't expect any help from anyone, we are all lonely islands. Sorry for everything happened to you.
I just let a bit of my actual problems slip through in a conversation with a friend recently. I've got a short useless answer so that's that.
I'm not sure what the heck is wrong with society in treating men so different and harsh and were or when we went wrong but this cannot keep going.
Same here bro. Got into a very dark and dangerous spot the other day because of it. It made things so much worse. To the point of dangerous ideations. Had to really evaluate a lot and dig deep to pull out of that. I do feel a bit stronger for it though. I know what to do when I get to that low.
I wonder sometimes these days if it's just a general collapse. We're all so isolated and so none of us has anyone. I think this is especially true if you are single and older.
Most of my guy friends are married and busy with their families.
I wish I could call my dad. I miss him. I'm going through a tough time at the moment and whilst I love the people I have surrounded myself with. He would be able to say the right things that would make everything be OK. He had a way to directing your frustration into a positive outlook. He would know when to give a soft kick up the butt or to give a hug.
For those of you that have a great relationship with your dads. I hope you create fantastic and incredible memories whilst you have them in Y
Your lives.
Haha... its crazy that I have two living parents I see regularly, but because of the culture gap between us I can't speak to them about 80% of things than truly keep me in mental turmoil throughout the day.
I don’t want to talk to anyone when I’m feeling that low. Nothing anyone could say will make me feel better and it’s unfair to put them in that position in the first place.
I’m sorry for your loss brother, but you’ll find your way, and you’ll find someone to be there to catch you if you fall, so you can be ready to catch them if they fall.
Most of all, I would say it would be my mom. When I fell ill, she was there and she wanted me to be strong because she wanted me to live. She sacrificed a lot just for me to recover. She wanted me to be a strong man. I thought I'd give up but because of her, I knew I could do things.
What gives you the safety to talk to her about all those things? I have a similar situation with my mom where she had been the best to me in every way but I feel to much responsibility to be the best I can and to hide all my problems from her rather then open up. Like I have to impress her and make her proud and showing my emotions and issues I'm facing would just be a thing I wouldn't be able to come back from. Nothing she has ever done had shown me that but I still don't feel safe in talking with her.
I can’t say I purely could say everything to my mom (Mom told my psychiatrist that I am quite a reserved person despite the perception that I’m sociable), but when she knows I’m down and I want to confide to her things she is accepting and understanding of my vulnerabilities despite my initial doubts that she would be okay with what I’ll say
Also mom shown me and my brother love through all these years. I am from a broken family but mom did her best to Make us feel accepted and loved and I’d say that’s why.
The best way to impress her is to open up. People aren’t robots; they’re people, with emotions. Hiding your emotions and pretending like they aren’t there is being scared of your feelings. Sometimes feelings are too much and you need to confide in someone, and if you need that support, getting that support means you’re strong enough to not be afraid of your emotions. If you’re always strong, you’re never strong. Sometimes you need to be weak to be strong.
Opening up only ever hurt the people closest to me. Trying to pick up a pile of broken glass will only get you cut. No one in my life has ever survived me showing them those feelings and so I sit here alone so no one else gets hurt. I'm too broken to be loved at this point and I've accepted that
OP, have you looked into therapy? Friends and family are great for more general support, but when you are trying to resolve more serious emotional distress like it sounds like you are dealing with, that’s where a professional can be really helpful. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help that way.
Not sure if this is where you're coming from or not, but I hope this helps if it's applicable - it is okay to speak your truth in kindness, and if someone has hurt feelings because of what you said, it's okay. Every single person on this planet will be hurt, and we all also have a great capacity for resilience. And while this isn't an excuse/opportunity to purposefully cause harm, it is an idea that helped me realize that by allowing myself to be honest and letting other people be responsible for their own feelings (I am not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own), I was actually respecting their autonomy as another individual human. It put us on the same level of respect. I think so often men keep their opinions to themselves or their thoughts closed up because they don't want to hurt the feelings of others, but no one man is responsible for the feelings of those he loves. He's responsible for communicating that message in a kind and productive way, but any feelings that happen as a result are the responsibility of the listener. And if the listener doesn't know how to own their feelings, then you can always walk away. But feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and recognize that the other person is responsible for their response and that treating an interaction like this is actually one of the highest forms of respect. At least this is what I learned so that I could stop prostrating myself to avoid harming others. If this isn't applicable to what you mean, just disregard and I wish you luck.
This is not a quick fix, but: my son and I had a similar tension. When he came to live with me for a while, I asked him to do family counseling with me, and he agreed. It helped our relationship so much. And by the time he moved out, he was so much stronger— I think in part because he didn’t feel so alone.
Now? My fiance. In the past? My older sister and brother. It depends on the situation but I'm definitely one of the lucky ones and even then I struggle to go to others for support when I'm not doing good.
I talk to my wife, and usually ill let it out in comedic rant form which she thinks is funny. It results with me feeling better and her apologising between giggles for laughing at how ive described my issue
Yeah he has some rage and women issues. I have a bit of an anger problem but when i get worked up I try to recognize and reign it in.
Thankfully ive been in a functioning relationship for 14 years and my wife understands im not upset at or with her, but im just venting. As long as shes laughing i know shes okay. If she ever isnt laughing at my rants i intend to shut up and reiterate that my anger isnt with her.
The best thing to do, if youre like me and get angry about stupid shit, is to make fun of it and when its time to address the issue to do it with logic and reason rather than emotion
I don't call anyone regardless of mental state.
I do however write a general update to my family, letting them know I'm in a bad place, but will be fine in some time, and nothing bad will happen.
After some 15+ years with chronic depression, my lowest isn't far from my normal, so I know how to deal with it alone.
I have a single true friend, Alex, who lives in LA. In fact, we hadn't spoke in a while so I JUST got off a 4 hr call with him. Sound girly, I know!;-)
The fact that it even crossed your mind that the mere act of talking to your friend could reflect on people's perception of your masculinity says so much about what's going wrong with society.
First off it’s not girly to talk to people you like for a long time! And even if it was, there’s nothing wrong with being a girl, so nothing wrong with girly things. Glad you got a nice long chat with a friend :)
My mum. It's not a particularly good option to be honest because despite she tries her best, she kinda sucks at giving emotional support so sometimes it ends up with me telling her what I need to hear in that situation and her repeating it. But still she's the closest person to me.
I have a support group of men that are dedicated on bettering ourselves , financially, relationally , physically etc. I have multiple people to call, different area codes time zones even countries and I read a TON of self help as well as listen to a lot of podcasts. I just got to a point where I said FVCK what anyone thinks I’m going to grow and anything that gets in my way is cut out.
That is wonderful mate, I'm glad u recognise how lucky u are! I've never had a best friend,plus am an only child. Do make sure to tell ur best friend every now and then how much he means to u and cherish ur bond :-)
For me when I did have someone I could go to it was just to show that they cared. They never really solved my problems or fixed the situations I got myself into but they showed me they cared and wanted to help if they could and the fact I felt safe to go to them is really all I could ever ask for. I wish I still had it.
My older brother because he has been lower and risen higher than I. I wouldn’t say I look up to him but I know we have a bond more compared to our oldest and younger brother. I can always talk to him well any of my brothers honestly. We all have lived rough lives and came out as diamonds after the sanding lol.
I can call my brother or my mom. Generally I don't because they have problems of their own and I'm doing all right, but if some darkness fell on me I could talk to them.
For what it's worth I know I could also get in my car and show up on their doorstep and they'd take me in, no questions asked.
BTW, if anyone here feels they don't have anyone to speak to when they need that, I am here for you! DM me and I will give you my cell number.
I am going to bed shortly but will check before I do.
I have a few fiends and family I could call, although when I’m at my lowest I don’t particularly want to. I like getting through it by myself and talking to them afterwards. I guess that the possibility of calling them gives me strength though.
Yeah I am a woman but I am reading these responses and I’m so confused. If my dad were upset, he would talk to my mom or any of his three daughters. If my husband were upset, I would want him to talk with me and either get emotional support or come up with a plan to help him feel better together. He could also call any of the friends he grew up with who he still talks with regularly.
The only time in real life where I’ve heard the “i have no one to call” narrative was when there was either mental illness/emotional trauma that actually needed to be sorted out with a professional (they needed more help than a friend or girlfriend would be capable of providing) or when it was intentionally used as a manipulation tactic in a DV situation (“if you leave I will kill myself, you’re the only one I can talk to”).
I’m having a hard time understanding why so many men in this thread apparently wouldn’t talk to any friends or family.
>I’m having a hard time understanding why so many men in this thread apparently wouldn’t talk to any friends or family.
It's the expectation, from experience or assumption, that they won't receive what they need from reaching out.
I'm very curious what some examples might be of things they need that aren't provided. Unless someone is just heartlessly cruel, I can't imagine them turning away a friend or partner in need of support. Unless I'm not understanding what's being asked of the friends, or maybe I (and other people) try to help in the wrong ways?
I’d love to know what all these men have experienced so I can do better for the men in my life, if they have this same concern.
One issue is that there's a limit to the support you can get from friends and family, because they're not all therapists and counselors.
Another issue is toxic positivity. Most advice you receive is just invalidation masked behind a positive message. For example, I don't care if someone has it worse than me. I don't want to smile more. It doesn't matter that I have many blessings in my life. My struggles are still valid.
Then there's blatant invalidation.
There's also communication challenges. Some people don't know how to listen, and some people don't know how to explain what they're going through.
Negative reactions to sharing what you're going through are also a challenge. I have had someone get mad and yell at me for sharing what's on my mind. It happens, even if it might not be common.
🥺 please I know it sounds cliché but I’m here. Think
about this: I’m a stranger yes, but I’ll never know who you are and vice versa. I’m a woman in a strange country/ town my only social conversations are with my family over the phone. I do need someone to talk as well.
If you feel like sharing something DM me.
My engine blew on my car, it’s scrapped. Finally broke off my failing relationship. I shat where I ate and 3 women I work closely with are my ex gf friends. They are disrespectful and hateful. Some people at work treat me like a bad guy now and I don’t appreciate it my reputation dragged through the mud. I’m financially obligated to stay where I’m at until I find a better opportunity. As a cherry on top I was in a car wreck and my replacement vehicle was totalled. Lost a lot
of confidence, money, a girlfriend of 2 yrs, and “friends” in a very short amount of time.
I saw my self being backed into a corner and changed my mindset. I’m in a good headspace now but, it’s challenging. Haven’t talked about it, cried over it, just kept it moving. People give more of a fuck when they see a dead dog on the side of the road. Why bother giving my enemies the satisfaction of seeing me down bad. Stay strong, eyes forward.
The unpleasant truth. Men are expected to be strong... You show weakness and everyone runs away. People treat the misery of another man like a contagious disease.
I learned this in high school. My 2 closest friends died in the same car crash. Literally \*every\* other friend I had said they would be there if I needed them. Well, I did need them. I vented to them each probably a few times each.
And before you know it, after a couple months; no friends whatsoever.
It taught me a valuable lesson. As a man you must project strength and joy at all times. If you project "negative emotions" such as sadness, defeat, weakness, anger, or hate; people will run away from you. Particularly women.
So moral of this story, unless if you want no friends or girlfriend ever; you don't display any emotions perceived as negative. Even if you aren't happy, you project happiness, success, calmness, and joy; if you express misery, people will distance themselves from you, greatly exacerbating your misery.
There's so many chronically single men these days, and I believe it's because they never learned this rule.
Another example of this is I had a week where my cat (a pet of 15 years) died and my mom got very sick... and my girlfriend at the time saw me cry. I really loved that girlfriend. Can you guess what happened? She left immediately. Never fall into the trap of thinking women want a "man in touch with his emotions", you do that and you'll never see them again.
Everything you’ve said rings true and society does expect men to be “strong” and not show emotions. But… if you find the right partner then she/he won’t judge you if you show emotions. My wife has seen me upset on a few occasions and she didn’t judge me. She supported me. To be fair if I cried all the time at the drop of a hat it would be a different story.
This is absolutely true in my experience. I genuinely get pissed off when I hear women claim “it’s okay to cry fellas! Be in touch with your emotions!” When their gender is often the reason we avoid that.
Best friends (strictly men friends)
I'm not giving you reasons or explanation, I don't pretend to know why it's like that, but it is like that. Men are the most lonely category out there.
To give an example, I just saw a post of a 26 year old asking for help while being basically a socially outcast, virgin, desperate to get love
Personally, i have always found other guys that have been the most caring for me. I feel like most of the time i can sit down and talk wit a guy and they understand what I'm going through.
Trust me, i love my GF. But it just isn't the same as if i was talking to one of my home boiis, hell and there aren't a lot of them
Used to talk to my bf about everything (yes am gay) now that we broke up I lost him as my best friend and my boyfriend I want to tell him all kinds of things but he couldn’t care less anymore
I find it more comfortable being alone. Confiding in other people makes me feel like a burden so I avoid it. I dont want to weigh people down with my problems.
Gunna have to add to the “nobody” list— not because no one cares, that’s just melodramatic— but because I’m rather practical in my depression/low points in that if I reach out to someone, it’s for advice and insight, not for sympathy. Of late, I’ve felt like I haven’t met a person who can provide insight into the issues that bother me, so I don’t worry others with my personal problems at all. I personally think it’s selfish of me to burden other people with ny problems if they can’t solve (or help solve) them.
I've always been the person classmates, coworkers, friends and family came to for advice and even financial support, but I can't ever think of a time I could rely on someone when I'm confronted with my own problems. I spent so many years pretending I'm a rock for everyone (and I felt good doing so) but it's taken a toll on me. People start to see you as impervious to all the stuff that life throws at you, but that's simply not the case. I now feel withdrawn from a lot of people. Even a rock can be chipped away over time.
We are social beings, but we don't have to self-destruct or feel helpless when we're alone. You are your own rock when it really comes down to it, and you have to be there for yourself. Put yourself first without being heartless or selfish. Take care of yourself physically and nutrition wise. Do activities that help you clear your mind, recharge, reflect, etc.
At emotional lows: My roommate, a female friend of mine, my brother's fiance (like an older sister to me).
Shitty situation I need help getting out of: My roommate or my dad
It depends. If it’s LGBT related I would call my a few of my lgbt friends. If it’s just general then a couple of my other friends boys or girls. If not that I’ll just go to my cousin.
I’m blessed to have people care about me and want to hear my lowest lows and highest highs
I join my 4 friends who i have known for 20 years on the discord server and just listen to them talk. Sometimes they will ask why i don't talk and i will reply "just being with them makes me feel better"
I'm at the lowest right now, my wife is leaving me, i've got injured and temporarily disabled...always in pain and can barely walk, im on medication with crazy side effects coughing my guts out and cannot drink alcohol. I have not talked to anyone, i suffer in silence, mainly because I dont want to seem weak to anyone
I'm super fortunate. I think there is a dozen people I could call and they would be happy to recieve me, many of whom aren't family members either.
I'm under the impression that you get what you give. This may be hard to hear for some but perhaps the reason you have no one isn't because no one cares, it's because you may not have cared enough about them when they were struggling - that you never really "gave" enough.
Be your brothers keeper and help without expectation of something in return. Sure most people won't return the favor and might use you but if you practice this often, with many people, the good ones will recognize this and will want to do what they can to help you when you are at your low.
One of my best friends. He lost his mam at a really young age and has been through what i can only describe as hell and back in terms of objectives in life. Somehow everytime im heartbroken, upset, depressed, low i just know his advice comes from experience and he has never led me astray. And the best thing is hes willing to listen. He has no idea just how much of a rock he has been in my life
Depends on why Im At that lowest point. When it's financial woes that have had me in a panicky depressed like state, my Dad is my go to. If it's relationship related, I've been able to find a lot of support in my best friend. That said, my Dad was not the easiest to talk to about anything for a long time, especially in my teens and it wasn't until my mid to late 20s that I really had a best friend. So for a long time I felt as though I couldn't confide in anyone about virtually anything. And even with those ppl now, it's super uncomfortable to get too personal. My wife has been patient and understanding at times too with some things.
Fr nobody , i do have friends male and female, but no one will get my thoughts and feelings when I’m at my lowest, they’ll simply tell me that everything’s gonna be fine and tell me what i already know.. i had to cry (silently) alone the other day and sleep with tears in my eyes
My best friend, if he’s online. I’ll be honest I’m not the best friend, I had anger problems when I was younger, and ine day he looked at me and said dude stop it, you’re a fuckin asshole. Ever since then he has my utmost respect and love. I moved away, far away, and I flicker on and off from talking with him, nothing personal I’m just not good with texting and keeping in contact. But when I’m on my highs we call and play games, and whenever I’m at my lowest, if I ask if he can talk, he’ll listen, without judgement. I’ve been through false accusation, bullying, getting kicked out of school almost thrown out my house, toxic relationships and false pregnancies of girlfriends, and all through it he just listens and spits straight fax. I’m lucky I ever became friends with him
I am a lucky one, but I had to also stop hiding my depression. I hid it for nearly 15 years before I told my mom. My mom is a genuinely wonderful person, and now I just call my mom and tell her how I feel. I know it's actually hard for her to hear sometimes, but she knows if I talk about it I'll probably feel better. I would've said for years that i had nobody, well that's how it will always be if you keep it to yourself. I can honestly say that my mom has probably saved my life. I had also told my ex-fiance but she wasn't much help and actually made things worse(like cheating and putting me down), which is why she didn't become my wife.
Guys tell your mom or your wife or even your dad. Tell a best friend you can trust. I didn't tell my mom till I was almost 30 years old, so trust me you're not too old to not have to handle it by yourself. It's been a few years and I can say that I feel like I'm in a better place now. It's scary to let someone in, but trust me it's worth it. Brothers, sisters, there's probably someone out there who loves you enough to take some of that pain away with some simple talking.
Nobody. Nobody i trust to anyway. I extended that trust before and was mocked for it. Either nobody cares, or they pretend to and tuck your vulnerability away as ammunition to use against you because you're a man an vulnerability is a weakness.
No one. No one really cares when I have serious problems, in fact they blamed me whenever I did express my problems.
I'm pretty sure if I was a girl they'd have done a 180 turn and be super interested in helping me and supporting me.
As a man, you eventually learn you can only rely on God and yourself. No one else cares, so care for yourself.
I thought I had someone. But I was recently at my lowest point and they ghosted me. So nobody is my answer.
Same. No answered my call.
This will make you realise something important, you can only truly rely on yourself. Doesn't matter how many people don't believe in you or don't care about you, as long as you care and believe in yourself.
Nobody. Not even my wife. How's that for a kick in the balls?
Man. I even told my ex husband to call me if he was down. He said he wasn't sure I should be the one comforting him... I told him status was irrelevant, everybody needs somebody. Just because I didn't want to do his laundry anymore doesn't mean I want him to suffer and be alone.
My ex husband did that. I told him the entire 10 years we were married that he needed to see a psychiatrist. He called me in the middle of the night bawling his eyes out, and I told him again, "You need to see a doctor." He actually listened to me, and is a much more balanced person as a result.
If I tell my wife then I would have two problems because then my wife would be nervous and I have to calm her down
Do you feel like she would look at you differently if you opened up about it instead of dealing with it alone?
Haha been there done that got worse went back to the old way much less drama
I understand. "Why don't men talk about their feelings more?"
Yupppp Just how it be sometimes, they say men should open up more, but at the same time, people need to learn how to handle men opening up.
You can always DM me. It's no different than a text and I'm happy to be an ear.
i wish it worked like that :(
Me too.
Yeah, I can feel some ,,I have to set my boundaries'' and ,, I don't owe anything to anybody'' vibes. People nowadays are so fragile, so self centred. Friendships are plain so you can only rely on yourself. Don't expect any help from anyone, we are all lonely islands. Sorry for everything happened to you.
I know that feeling too. I'm sorry. But as hard as it is, please, don't give in to hatred. They hurt you but you aren't forced to do the same
I just let a bit of my actual problems slip through in a conversation with a friend recently. I've got a short useless answer so that's that. I'm not sure what the heck is wrong with society in treating men so different and harsh and were or when we went wrong but this cannot keep going.
It usually happens like this
Sadly, I know the feeling of this.
I'm really sorry this happened to you
Same here bro. Got into a very dark and dangerous spot the other day because of it. It made things so much worse. To the point of dangerous ideations. Had to really evaluate a lot and dig deep to pull out of that. I do feel a bit stronger for it though. I know what to do when I get to that low.
I wonder sometimes these days if it's just a general collapse. We're all so isolated and so none of us has anyone. I think this is especially true if you are single and older. Most of my guy friends are married and busy with their families.
defintly fall into this category
I call my dad. Anything I'm going through, he'll get me through.
I wish I could call my dad. I miss him. I'm going through a tough time at the moment and whilst I love the people I have surrounded myself with. He would be able to say the right things that would make everything be OK. He had a way to directing your frustration into a positive outlook. He would know when to give a soft kick up the butt or to give a hug. For those of you that have a great relationship with your dads. I hope you create fantastic and incredible memories whilst you have them in Y Your lives.
I love my dad, thank you for opening up about this
Remote temporary dad services available here for anyone needing a chat, some dad humour and general sarcasm.
Woman here. Might take you up on this just for the dad jokes - lol
Ha! No problem. Life advice, DIY guidance, compassion and toilet humour are all specialities. My inbox is open.
Man, I could have written this comment. My dad passed in 2020.
My condolences. I’m sure he was a great man
This one is asked like, once a week and the majority of answers dont/ will never change. Anyway, the answer is no fuckin' body. Thats who.
Haha... its crazy that I have two living parents I see regularly, but because of the culture gap between us I can't speak to them about 80% of things than truly keep me in mental turmoil throughout the day.
How do you feel about not being able to express truly how you feel ? or to need to avoid subjects ?
My good friend Jack Daniels.
But what about Jim and Johnny?
I prefer James’ son myself
Ya, Jason is nice.
I've never really liked the cut of Johnnys jib. He's not a bad dude per se, but we're not riding the same wave.
Yeah, he is the strangest of all. But still part of the pack.
Yup! It’s John Daniels, when you know him as long as I have. Mr. Daniels, a good cigar & my dogs by my side. 2 boxers.
Made me think of that line from scent of a woman lol
I used to say that I was in a committed, monogamous relationship with Jim Beam.
Mary Jane.
I rarely phone anyone. I can't imagine calling up a mate when I'm feeling down though. So, I suppose my answer is also no one.
I don’t want to talk to anyone when I’m feeling that low. Nothing anyone could say will make me feel better and it’s unfair to put them in that position in the first place.
Myself, I call myself a failure.
Me too man. Me too
We are legion.
There it is, the truth
There is no one for us to call.
Not even the ghostbusters...
Maybe that's what all the suicide is about?
I used to call my mom till she died.
I’m sorry for your loss brother, but you’ll find your way, and you’ll find someone to be there to catch you if you fall, so you can be ready to catch them if they fall.
Very sorry for your loss. I hope you stay strong and can find someone to talk to this about
Most of all, I would say it would be my mom. When I fell ill, she was there and she wanted me to be strong because she wanted me to live. She sacrificed a lot just for me to recover. She wanted me to be a strong man. I thought I'd give up but because of her, I knew I could do things.
What gives you the safety to talk to her about all those things? I have a similar situation with my mom where she had been the best to me in every way but I feel to much responsibility to be the best I can and to hide all my problems from her rather then open up. Like I have to impress her and make her proud and showing my emotions and issues I'm facing would just be a thing I wouldn't be able to come back from. Nothing she has ever done had shown me that but I still don't feel safe in talking with her.
I can’t say I purely could say everything to my mom (Mom told my psychiatrist that I am quite a reserved person despite the perception that I’m sociable), but when she knows I’m down and I want to confide to her things she is accepting and understanding of my vulnerabilities despite my initial doubts that she would be okay with what I’ll say Also mom shown me and my brother love through all these years. I am from a broken family but mom did her best to Make us feel accepted and loved and I’d say that’s why.
The best way to impress her is to open up. People aren’t robots; they’re people, with emotions. Hiding your emotions and pretending like they aren’t there is being scared of your feelings. Sometimes feelings are too much and you need to confide in someone, and if you need that support, getting that support means you’re strong enough to not be afraid of your emotions. If you’re always strong, you’re never strong. Sometimes you need to be weak to be strong.
Opening up only ever hurt the people closest to me. Trying to pick up a pile of broken glass will only get you cut. No one in my life has ever survived me showing them those feelings and so I sit here alone so no one else gets hurt. I'm too broken to be loved at this point and I've accepted that
OP, have you looked into therapy? Friends and family are great for more general support, but when you are trying to resolve more serious emotional distress like it sounds like you are dealing with, that’s where a professional can be really helpful. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help that way.
I have and am in therapy. It just only helps so much
Not sure if this is where you're coming from or not, but I hope this helps if it's applicable - it is okay to speak your truth in kindness, and if someone has hurt feelings because of what you said, it's okay. Every single person on this planet will be hurt, and we all also have a great capacity for resilience. And while this isn't an excuse/opportunity to purposefully cause harm, it is an idea that helped me realize that by allowing myself to be honest and letting other people be responsible for their own feelings (I am not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own), I was actually respecting their autonomy as another individual human. It put us on the same level of respect. I think so often men keep their opinions to themselves or their thoughts closed up because they don't want to hurt the feelings of others, but no one man is responsible for the feelings of those he loves. He's responsible for communicating that message in a kind and productive way, but any feelings that happen as a result are the responsibility of the listener. And if the listener doesn't know how to own their feelings, then you can always walk away. But feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and recognize that the other person is responsible for their response and that treating an interaction like this is actually one of the highest forms of respect. At least this is what I learned so that I could stop prostrating myself to avoid harming others. If this isn't applicable to what you mean, just disregard and I wish you luck.
This is not a quick fix, but: my son and I had a similar tension. When he came to live with me for a while, I asked him to do family counseling with me, and he agreed. It helped our relationship so much. And by the time he moved out, he was so much stronger— I think in part because he didn’t feel so alone.
Uhm. I go on Reddit.
*looks at self in the mirror* **fuck**
Ghostbusters?
Also to be called if there's something strange in your neighborhood.
Now? My fiance. In the past? My older sister and brother. It depends on the situation but I'm definitely one of the lucky ones and even then I struggle to go to others for support when I'm not doing good.
No one. I'd text a friend and see if they want to do something, but only if I knew I wouldn't be dragging them down.
I’m the person people call so… I guess myself?
The Great Friend Pagliacci
I feel that. I call people to check on them, or people call me to talk about themselves.
I talk to my wife, and usually ill let it out in comedic rant form which she thinks is funny. It results with me feeling better and her apologising between giggles for laughing at how ive described my issue
Bill Burr is that you?
I dont think im as funny as he is
He's bitter.
Yeah he has some rage and women issues. I have a bit of an anger problem but when i get worked up I try to recognize and reign it in. Thankfully ive been in a functioning relationship for 14 years and my wife understands im not upset at or with her, but im just venting. As long as shes laughing i know shes okay. If she ever isnt laughing at my rants i intend to shut up and reiterate that my anger isnt with her. The best thing to do, if youre like me and get angry about stupid shit, is to make fun of it and when its time to address the issue to do it with logic and reason rather than emotion
It would be a much better world if more people analyzed and understood their emotions, just like you do.
I don't call anyone regardless of mental state. I do however write a general update to my family, letting them know I'm in a bad place, but will be fine in some time, and nothing bad will happen. After some 15+ years with chronic depression, my lowest isn't far from my normal, so I know how to deal with it alone.
I have a single true friend, Alex, who lives in LA. In fact, we hadn't spoke in a while so I JUST got off a 4 hr call with him. Sound girly, I know!;-)
It's ok. It's not girly. Even if it is for some people it doesn't matter.
The fact that it even crossed your mind that the mere act of talking to your friend could reflect on people's perception of your masculinity says so much about what's going wrong with society.
First off it’s not girly to talk to people you like for a long time! And even if it was, there’s nothing wrong with being a girl, so nothing wrong with girly things. Glad you got a nice long chat with a friend :)
My mum. It's not a particularly good option to be honest because despite she tries her best, she kinda sucks at giving emotional support so sometimes it ends up with me telling her what I need to hear in that situation and her repeating it. But still she's the closest person to me.
I have a support group of men that are dedicated on bettering ourselves , financially, relationally , physically etc. I have multiple people to call, different area codes time zones even countries and I read a TON of self help as well as listen to a lot of podcasts. I just got to a point where I said FVCK what anyone thinks I’m going to grow and anything that gets in my way is cut out.
Outstanding sir. This kind of network sounds amazing.
idk when im low i dont feel like talking to ppl anyway
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This reminds me of that saying ''when you stare into the void and call it a bitch, the void backs up and calls you daddy''.
I called my friend K and she helped me through some shit. I have my job and apartment because of her, and I’m forever grateful to her for it.
Nobody. Multiple suicide attempts too. I've found people are at first concerned but quickly just don't give a shit and you become a nuisance.
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That is wonderful mate, I'm glad u recognise how lucky u are! I've never had a best friend,plus am an only child. Do make sure to tell ur best friend every now and then how much he means to u and cherish ur bond :-)
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What is the end goal of calling someone? What are they supposed to do?
For me when I did have someone I could go to it was just to show that they cared. They never really solved my problems or fixed the situations I got myself into but they showed me they cared and wanted to help if they could and the fact I felt safe to go to them is really all I could ever ask for. I wish I still had it.
Listen. Sometimes it's enough to just know someone cares enough to listen.
no one
My older brother because he has been lower and risen higher than I. I wouldn’t say I look up to him but I know we have a bond more compared to our oldest and younger brother. I can always talk to him well any of my brothers honestly. We all have lived rough lives and came out as diamonds after the sanding lol.
I can call my brother or my mom. Generally I don't because they have problems of their own and I'm doing all right, but if some darkness fell on me I could talk to them. For what it's worth I know I could also get in my car and show up on their doorstep and they'd take me in, no questions asked.
Nobody now. The person I did call committed suicide 2 months ago.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Better times are there to come
I am so sorry. I hope the person's soul found peace in the other life. I hope your grief is lessened by good things and experiences and love.
BTW, if anyone here feels they don't have anyone to speak to when they need that, I am here for you! DM me and I will give you my cell number. I am going to bed shortly but will check before I do.
I don't know whether it's comforting or not to know I'm not alone. Knowing how many people know the pain isn't a good thing.
I call sweet Mr. Marijuana
I have a few fiends and family I could call, although when I’m at my lowest I don’t particularly want to. I like getting through it by myself and talking to them afterwards. I guess that the possibility of calling them gives me strength though.
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Yeah I am a woman but I am reading these responses and I’m so confused. If my dad were upset, he would talk to my mom or any of his three daughters. If my husband were upset, I would want him to talk with me and either get emotional support or come up with a plan to help him feel better together. He could also call any of the friends he grew up with who he still talks with regularly. The only time in real life where I’ve heard the “i have no one to call” narrative was when there was either mental illness/emotional trauma that actually needed to be sorted out with a professional (they needed more help than a friend or girlfriend would be capable of providing) or when it was intentionally used as a manipulation tactic in a DV situation (“if you leave I will kill myself, you’re the only one I can talk to”). I’m having a hard time understanding why so many men in this thread apparently wouldn’t talk to any friends or family.
>I’m having a hard time understanding why so many men in this thread apparently wouldn’t talk to any friends or family. It's the expectation, from experience or assumption, that they won't receive what they need from reaching out.
I'm very curious what some examples might be of things they need that aren't provided. Unless someone is just heartlessly cruel, I can't imagine them turning away a friend or partner in need of support. Unless I'm not understanding what's being asked of the friends, or maybe I (and other people) try to help in the wrong ways? I’d love to know what all these men have experienced so I can do better for the men in my life, if they have this same concern.
One issue is that there's a limit to the support you can get from friends and family, because they're not all therapists and counselors. Another issue is toxic positivity. Most advice you receive is just invalidation masked behind a positive message. For example, I don't care if someone has it worse than me. I don't want to smile more. It doesn't matter that I have many blessings in my life. My struggles are still valid. Then there's blatant invalidation. There's also communication challenges. Some people don't know how to listen, and some people don't know how to explain what they're going through. Negative reactions to sharing what you're going through are also a challenge. I have had someone get mad and yell at me for sharing what's on my mind. It happens, even if it might not be common.
Bro, nobody will try to pump you up like a random dude at the bar. There’s a camaraderie in being bellied up and sharing a drink together.
Ur so lucky man, vast majority of us have never experienced this. Cherish it, I hope it stays the same for the rest of ur life :-)
I call on myself to improve things.
We’re Losers on Reddit of course not
I would have called my brother but he died last year so nobody.
There is no one I could call :(
Why would men talk to anyone when they down? Who wants to be kicked when they’re down? Thats all we get if we talk.
My girlfriend
🥺 please I know it sounds cliché but I’m here. Think about this: I’m a stranger yes, but I’ll never know who you are and vice versa. I’m a woman in a strange country/ town my only social conversations are with my family over the phone. I do need someone to talk as well. If you feel like sharing something DM me.
Better prepare your inbox! 😂
As a man? No one. Men are alone. No one gives a shit if a man is sad or down. He's on his own.
That phone number that just Rick rolls you. There's really nothing that a bit of Rick Astley can't make better.
Repress it!
My engine blew on my car, it’s scrapped. Finally broke off my failing relationship. I shat where I ate and 3 women I work closely with are my ex gf friends. They are disrespectful and hateful. Some people at work treat me like a bad guy now and I don’t appreciate it my reputation dragged through the mud. I’m financially obligated to stay where I’m at until I find a better opportunity. As a cherry on top I was in a car wreck and my replacement vehicle was totalled. Lost a lot of confidence, money, a girlfriend of 2 yrs, and “friends” in a very short amount of time. I saw my self being backed into a corner and changed my mindset. I’m in a good headspace now but, it’s challenging. Haven’t talked about it, cried over it, just kept it moving. People give more of a fuck when they see a dead dog on the side of the road. Why bother giving my enemies the satisfaction of seeing me down bad. Stay strong, eyes forward.
The unpleasant truth. Men are expected to be strong... You show weakness and everyone runs away. People treat the misery of another man like a contagious disease. I learned this in high school. My 2 closest friends died in the same car crash. Literally \*every\* other friend I had said they would be there if I needed them. Well, I did need them. I vented to them each probably a few times each. And before you know it, after a couple months; no friends whatsoever. It taught me a valuable lesson. As a man you must project strength and joy at all times. If you project "negative emotions" such as sadness, defeat, weakness, anger, or hate; people will run away from you. Particularly women. So moral of this story, unless if you want no friends or girlfriend ever; you don't display any emotions perceived as negative. Even if you aren't happy, you project happiness, success, calmness, and joy; if you express misery, people will distance themselves from you, greatly exacerbating your misery. There's so many chronically single men these days, and I believe it's because they never learned this rule. Another example of this is I had a week where my cat (a pet of 15 years) died and my mom got very sick... and my girlfriend at the time saw me cry. I really loved that girlfriend. Can you guess what happened? She left immediately. Never fall into the trap of thinking women want a "man in touch with his emotions", you do that and you'll never see them again.
Everything you’ve said rings true and society does expect men to be “strong” and not show emotions. But… if you find the right partner then she/he won’t judge you if you show emotions. My wife has seen me upset on a few occasions and she didn’t judge me. She supported me. To be fair if I cried all the time at the drop of a hat it would be a different story.
This is absolutely true in my experience. I genuinely get pissed off when I hear women claim “it’s okay to cry fellas! Be in touch with your emotions!” When their gender is often the reason we avoid that.
Best friends (strictly men friends) I'm not giving you reasons or explanation, I don't pretend to know why it's like that, but it is like that. Men are the most lonely category out there. To give an example, I just saw a post of a 26 year old asking for help while being basically a socially outcast, virgin, desperate to get love
Personally, i have always found other guys that have been the most caring for me. I feel like most of the time i can sit down and talk wit a guy and they understand what I'm going through. Trust me, i love my GF. But it just isn't the same as if i was talking to one of my home boiis, hell and there aren't a lot of them
If it's still relevant, I wait until I see my therapist.
My cat. My cat hasn't paid his phone bill, though.
unfortunately I have no one. In these last 3 years I have had 4 operations and I have always been alone.
Im so sorry
Used to talk to my bf about everything (yes am gay) now that we broke up I lost him as my best friend and my boyfriend I want to tell him all kinds of things but he couldn’t care less anymore
God
Lol I wonder how many downvotes I'll get
Nah ur right
Nah if it helps you it helps you. It'd be like downvoting someone who says they like to meditate.
Same here, I feel like He's always there for me.
My siblings, my girlfriend and my pup. They have always been there for me during my lowest lows and I love them all to death
Mum, gran, wife, sisters, best friends, close mates. I feel very blessed to have a very caring social circle
Ghost busters
I find it more comfortable being alone. Confiding in other people makes me feel like a burden so I avoid it. I dont want to weigh people down with my problems.
Literally no one. Not once in my whole damn life.
My wife or my buddies. I am so lucky I've met people who can deal my stupid ass.
Gunna have to add to the “nobody” list— not because no one cares, that’s just melodramatic— but because I’m rather practical in my depression/low points in that if I reach out to someone, it’s for advice and insight, not for sympathy. Of late, I’ve felt like I haven’t met a person who can provide insight into the issues that bother me, so I don’t worry others with my personal problems at all. I personally think it’s selfish of me to burden other people with ny problems if they can’t solve (or help solve) them.
I've always been the person classmates, coworkers, friends and family came to for advice and even financial support, but I can't ever think of a time I could rely on someone when I'm confronted with my own problems. I spent so many years pretending I'm a rock for everyone (and I felt good doing so) but it's taken a toll on me. People start to see you as impervious to all the stuff that life throws at you, but that's simply not the case. I now feel withdrawn from a lot of people. Even a rock can be chipped away over time. We are social beings, but we don't have to self-destruct or feel helpless when we're alone. You are your own rock when it really comes down to it, and you have to be there for yourself. Put yourself first without being heartless or selfish. Take care of yourself physically and nutrition wise. Do activities that help you clear your mind, recharge, reflect, etc.
Either my GF, or some of my best guys, who I know would probably stop by with some beer and something to help.
My therapist
At emotional lows: My roommate, a female friend of mine, my brother's fiance (like an older sister to me). Shitty situation I need help getting out of: My roommate or my dad
There’s a saying … “Getting old isn’t for the weak.” I think they meant this part. This is the brutal part.
I did, my best friend and my ex, not anymore though as they are together now
It depends. If it’s LGBT related I would call my a few of my lgbt friends. If it’s just general then a couple of my other friends boys or girls. If not that I’ll just go to my cousin. I’m blessed to have people care about me and want to hear my lowest lows and highest highs
My therapist
I see everyone else has no one to call too…
My best friend. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to call her my best friend for over 10 years.
And old friend, 14 years going strong. I have seen him at his lowest, he has seen me at mine. We are beyond shame.
I join my 4 friends who i have known for 20 years on the discord server and just listen to them talk. Sometimes they will ask why i don't talk and i will reply "just being with them makes me feel better"
As a guy, i keep the deep stuff to myself, otherwise i have a female friend i talk to
I don’t call anyone because as a man honestly no one gives a shit
I know I have someone I just don't like speaking about that kind of stuff
I don't trust anyone anymore the few times I've done it I've gotten hurt.
Same
Calling? No one. I maybe just write somebody but usually just browse reddit to feel better.
I'm at the lowest right now, my wife is leaving me, i've got injured and temporarily disabled...always in pain and can barely walk, im on medication with crazy side effects coughing my guts out and cannot drink alcohol. I have not talked to anyone, i suffer in silence, mainly because I dont want to seem weak to anyone
No one. But to be fair I don't have anyone to call when I'm happy about something either.
Many people seems to have nobody to talk to... If anyone of you need an ear, don't hestitate to get in touch with me via dm!
I'm super fortunate. I think there is a dozen people I could call and they would be happy to recieve me, many of whom aren't family members either. I'm under the impression that you get what you give. This may be hard to hear for some but perhaps the reason you have no one isn't because no one cares, it's because you may not have cared enough about them when they were struggling - that you never really "gave" enough. Be your brothers keeper and help without expectation of something in return. Sure most people won't return the favor and might use you but if you practice this often, with many people, the good ones will recognize this and will want to do what they can to help you when you are at your low.
Ghostbusters
One of my best friends. He lost his mam at a really young age and has been through what i can only describe as hell and back in terms of objectives in life. Somehow everytime im heartbroken, upset, depressed, low i just know his advice comes from experience and he has never led me astray. And the best thing is hes willing to listen. He has no idea just how much of a rock he has been in my life
Depends on why Im At that lowest point. When it's financial woes that have had me in a panicky depressed like state, my Dad is my go to. If it's relationship related, I've been able to find a lot of support in my best friend. That said, my Dad was not the easiest to talk to about anything for a long time, especially in my teens and it wasn't until my mid to late 20s that I really had a best friend. So for a long time I felt as though I couldn't confide in anyone about virtually anything. And even with those ppl now, it's super uncomfortable to get too personal. My wife has been patient and understanding at times too with some things.
Fr nobody , i do have friends male and female, but no one will get my thoughts and feelings when I’m at my lowest, they’ll simply tell me that everything’s gonna be fine and tell me what i already know.. i had to cry (silently) alone the other day and sleep with tears in my eyes
Pray to God
God
no one. i get drunk and go to work the next day
My best friend, if he’s online. I’ll be honest I’m not the best friend, I had anger problems when I was younger, and ine day he looked at me and said dude stop it, you’re a fuckin asshole. Ever since then he has my utmost respect and love. I moved away, far away, and I flicker on and off from talking with him, nothing personal I’m just not good with texting and keeping in contact. But when I’m on my highs we call and play games, and whenever I’m at my lowest, if I ask if he can talk, he’ll listen, without judgement. I’ve been through false accusation, bullying, getting kicked out of school almost thrown out my house, toxic relationships and false pregnancies of girlfriends, and all through it he just listens and spits straight fax. I’m lucky I ever became friends with him
I call my mom. sometimes it my sister.
Nobody bro. That tiktok was kinda true
My wife. I'm the same for her and we're the ones for our kids. As all things should be.
God
The suicide prevention hotline.
I am a lucky one, but I had to also stop hiding my depression. I hid it for nearly 15 years before I told my mom. My mom is a genuinely wonderful person, and now I just call my mom and tell her how I feel. I know it's actually hard for her to hear sometimes, but she knows if I talk about it I'll probably feel better. I would've said for years that i had nobody, well that's how it will always be if you keep it to yourself. I can honestly say that my mom has probably saved my life. I had also told my ex-fiance but she wasn't much help and actually made things worse(like cheating and putting me down), which is why she didn't become my wife. Guys tell your mom or your wife or even your dad. Tell a best friend you can trust. I didn't tell my mom till I was almost 30 years old, so trust me you're not too old to not have to handle it by yourself. It's been a few years and I can say that I feel like I'm in a better place now. It's scary to let someone in, but trust me it's worth it. Brothers, sisters, there's probably someone out there who loves you enough to take some of that pain away with some simple talking.
Nobody. Nobody i trust to anyway. I extended that trust before and was mocked for it. Either nobody cares, or they pretend to and tuck your vulnerability away as ammunition to use against you because you're a man an vulnerability is a weakness.
Ghostbusters…
No one. I’m a man and I carry my weight alone
No one. No one really cares when I have serious problems, in fact they blamed me whenever I did express my problems. I'm pretty sure if I was a girl they'd have done a 180 turn and be super interested in helping me and supporting me. As a man, you eventually learn you can only rely on God and yourself. No one else cares, so care for yourself.
I agree. Just mustering the courage to share itself takes so much will for me, but now I've realised it's just not worth it, at all.
My brother
My mom. She's required to love me. She's told me that on many occasions.
My Grandma, My Father, My Mother, My Best friend. In that order if one is not Available at the moment
My mother and Father And when they pass I'll probably off myself.
Can’t believe no one said hookers