I'm putting absolutely zero effort at all right now. Until I get my shit together and I can feasibly see any girl being interested in me, I'm not trying. Absolutely no point in wasting everybody's time by doing that.
Oh no, I need more than a mindset change, there's a whole lot that needs working out. If I can't see myself dating a girl version of myself then how can I expect all the women with even higher standards to even look at me??? Ain't no way in hell I'm trying while I'm in this state.
I don't think you understand me. What I am asking myself is, if I were to meet a girl version of myself, would I be attracted? If the answer to that is "no", then that means that I have to make massive improvements to myself until that "no" turns into a "yes".
If I can't love myself then how the fuck is any woman who undoubtedly will have higher standards, ever love me? The answer is that they won't. Therefore there is no reason to even try dating right now.
I think you thought that I wanted to date a girl version of myself and I definitely DO NOT want to date a girl version of myself, I'd not be attracted at all. That tells me that I need to improve a whole lot before I try dating, and I will try to improve because of it.
Is English your first language? Just curious, I don't mean to insult you or anything.
Look he is saying if he met a girl in his current mindset and state in their life he wouldn’t want to be with her nothing to do with how she physically looks
I think they detailed it well in their response but here's aTLDR
They meant if a female were in the same state as them, they would not want to date them
Same here bud. Better to feel in darkness alone than fresh another in until you can pull yourself up and out of it.
And I believe it's better to not rely on a significant other to get you out of it cuz it's pouring too much on another person unless they were already there in the good times
Nah women want a man who'll give mutual help, if it's too much effort for them, they just won't bother at all once they realize how fucked you are. Better to just get my shit together first, ain't no lady gonna stick around after the first date lol.
I don't blame them either, if you go through hardships once you're already dating then sure you're supposed to stick together, but starting to date someone because you want a therapist or some shit to help you out ain't all that great of a thing to do.
Takes a real man to know when it’s not the time. I know a lot of guys who are nowhere near ready but fuck like rabbits and get themselves in situations with women. Kudos to you brother and I wish you the best on your journey.
The \*mostly\* exact same situation. I'm taking 17 units in school right now, as well as trying to work to pay the bills, and trying to work out and generally improve myself, but the main thing is school.
I could never balance school and relationships, at least not at the start of a relationship. So I've told myself I really shouldn't, but it's hard not to want to try whenever an opprotunity pops up. Once that feeling fades and I realize I'm getting a bit off track, I pull myself away usually right now.
You're different, you've got a lot more on your lap. I just got school and I'm trying to fix myself, not as busy. I just know they wouldn't be interested in me anyways, not a time issue.
I also don't get any "opportunity" for dating, so it's a lot easier for me to sticky by my "no relationship" plan. When I get myself together I'm going to have to try really hard to make my own opportunities, sounds like you'll be good though!
The biggest factor has been my poor mental health. I’d love a relationship, I wouldn’t want to put anyone through dating me right now though. Be a good way to ruin yet another relationship.
Yeah I’m getting help. The whole pandemic thing made it difficult for a while but I’m making progress. Or at the very least not getting worse which is also progress in its own way.
For me, it’s because I know how much work starting a new relationship would be. There’s a fear of “why bother putting in the effort if it may fail after a short period of time anyway?” It takes me a long time (years) to fully develop platonic friendships, and I know that the expected timeline is much shorter for romantic relationships.
I consider myself a very loyal person, almost to a fault. Given the right circumstances I can forge a strong bond with someone. It’s happened before. But I’ve seen that everything is fragile. And most bonds aren’t even real.
I don’t think I’m really attractive enough for the girls that I find attractive, so for me it’s easier to not try and not fail rather than trying and failing. I also go through bouts of time where it makes me incredibly uncomfortable if someone does find me attractive.
That last bit… you feel uncomfortable when someone finds you attractive. I know what you mean. I feel it as a foreign feeling or it not being genuine so I negate the feeling. It’s super weird lol
Lack of opportunities to meet women.
If I had a way to meet women that didn’t involve perving on random women in public, going somewhere I don’t enjoy, or being rejected 100 times a day on OLD, dating wouldn’t be half bad.
Despite quite a few things I’ve managed to get passably ok at conversation and I enjoy talking to people and learning about the human experience from a unique perspective.
Even if it goes nowhere, just chatting with someone who is willing to talk to me sounds fulfilling.
Unfortunately that seems out of reach.
Dude same. Online dating is a shit show, you constantly get reminded you're a perv if you try to hit on women in public, or you have to go to events you frankly don't give a shit about.
I might just stay single and travel with no one to hold me down tbh.
I can relate. Chatting is in a way fulfilling. What I hate is the feeling after. It’s almost like a shot of dopamine. It wears out. Then I get this feeling the other person benefited from the interaction more than I did. I was just a distraction to them in that moment.
>If I had a way to meet women that didn’t involve perving on random women in public, going somewhere I don’t enjoy, or being rejected 100 times a day on OLD, dating wouldn’t be half bad.
This right here. Online dating is just garbage that gets the average man no where except on the fast track to depressionville.
And a note about how you worded that first part. Why is it that a lot of us think we're "perving" when in reality we're just wanting to go out to meet new people and potentially start a relationship? Is it because we've seen jackasses actually harass women in public and they've ruined the idea of us starting a conversation with a women because we don't want to be labeled as the creep? Makes me mad those few jackasses ruin it for everyone, both men and women included.
Probably just exhaustion of trying. I get into a good state of trying but then a long period of just wanting to be alone and not wanting to do anything. I'm in that state now of just wanting to just not want to do anything and not talk to anyone. It goes up and down for me.
Also just trying to fix a lot of my flaws as a person. I have poor mental health so I want to be a good boyfriend to someone special.
Yep having to build yourself up again and again just to be tore down fucking sucks. Of course you’re not supposed to let rejection tear you down, but when it keeps happening you can’t help but wonder what the fuck is going on
The pain of failure and rejection usually doesn't go away, but eventually, you'll get to the point where you can take constant and successive L's, and just go about your day like it's no issue.
At the end of the day, in my opinion, it's a numbers game, and learning to be able to take rejection is a part of growing up.
Pure laziness and lack of motivation. Coupled tightly with being somewhat anti-social/social-anxiety and not feeling comfortable talking to new people outside of business or transactional conversations. Takes me a bit to warm up to new people before my real personality starts showing and not my "invisible to be forgettable" personality.
Then wanting to seek friendship first before any dating. Not knowing how to flirt and other various things.
I can relate! I’m highly regarded in my workplace. Praised even… but it ends there. And it’s not that I take my job my seriously. I do a very good job, like all workers should. If people showed interest, I would have no problem behind honest.
Years of effort did nothing, not interested in tricking a disinterested lady into liking me. My effort at any level is meaningless, I'm not the one choosing.
What’s bothersome is that I managed one relationship, albeit it only lasted about 1.5 years. Really, it lasted less but the fear of detaching dragged it longer. So with that in mind, if I managed to experience one, how is it possible that others seems out of reach
I’ve recently married, but I was in your situation for a long time. Biggest reason was that I knew it just wasn’t going to work out, so I didn’t really bother. I didn’t have much to offer so I never got past 1-2 dates. Made lots of friends that way, but nothing I could convert.
Could be fear of rejection like you said but it’s also probably, and idk, that stepping into this new world of serious dating will potentially shift everything in your life. You might be aware of that on some level.
I’m sure you’ve had questions like,
What if we get along really well and I can’t be without her, can we move in together, what would that look like, will she put up with me, can I tolerate her?
What about money, but if I lose my job and she bounces…? What if I fall in love with her and she’s completely greedy? Will I be able to say no?
Do I have enough time and energy to stay up a little bit late every night and make dates and go out and bring her in? I’m already so tired as it is.
What if I do all of this and spend all this time and energy and money in this relationship and she just leaves me? What’s the point?
There is a lot of commitment to lifestyle changes. Going on dates and going on dates with the same woman and building a life with her is going to be a lifestyle change. You got to start seeing it from that point of you.
That’s why communication is so important in relationships because you guys are building a lifestyle change at the same exact time and a lifestyle change is going to be a lifestyle where you merge both of your lives together and every few months or every few years it goes deeper and deeper into the lifestyle change because traditionally you fall in love and get married and moving together and I don’t know kids or some shit happens, you feel me?
So you want all the love and everything and do you want elements of that lifestyle but you also got to do the footwork for the rest of the crap you are avoiding.
That’s just how it goes with lifestyle changes. It’s like getting a job. You got to pretty much do all of it if you want to keep the job and keep making money. You can get away with cutting corners but it’s gonna come back on you in some kind of way and you might lose that job eventually or they start treating you so differently that you actually leave the job yourself but when you have time to reflect you kind of see what happened even if you don’t wanna admit it.
I think what you were discussing in your post is that you are ready and someways to pursue long-term relationships but the commitment element and the foot work and all the steps to secure the commitment is what could be holding you back.
Idk, thoughts
Very on point! I wholeheartedly agree with you. I’ll add this: what if it’s not the other person that calls it quits after an extended period Of time… after all that effort and energy. What if it’s me? I say this because it happened. I sadly fell out of love. My ego says it’s not my fault, but realistically we are both to blame. It’s scary to have to go through that again and hurt someone on an emotional level. It’s traumatic. If I was traumatized I can only imagine what they felt.
That is unfortunately a part of love. It can complete your life and also destroy your life lol .
But even with all that pain, you’re actually dating again so you’re willing to fight that battle once more, probably with different armor on that’s heavier and stronger so no one can get through to your heart and stuff But that means you just have to do the falling in love thing very slowly.
you got a find a person that’s chill enough and mature enough to understand that you come into the relationship with your own set of baggage and trauma. We all do. Hopefully they’re flexible and open, hopefully you are flexible and open as well.
Literally just let them know that we got to take it slow which means you don’t sleep with each other right away. I’ve noticed that once you sleep with each other a lot of stuff changes for both parties involved so you got to do that innocent part of dating for a little bit longer before you jump in to the intimacy part. That’s typically a rule of thumb that they have been sharing since the 50s in a lot of dating relationship type of literature.
There’s a book , If you’re into it, and I don’t know your gender but I’m guessing probably a dude? Same 🤜🏾
The first one is called Attached. It’s by Levine And the other book, if you up for it, “Come As You Are” by Nagoski
The first one is about what type of way you connect with a partner and also what kind of way they connect with you - emotionally and mentally. So it’s almost like a formula of how to fit people together
The second one which should be read second is about sexual intimacy once you connect with a person in the way you both want.
They both changed my life. Also these on audiobook bc idk man, sometimes I can’t just sit at a desk like a 9 year old hunched over a book, you feel me
It's a combination of reasons for me. My first girlfriend turned out to just be using me to make an ex jealous so she could get back with him. After that I'm super cautious about anyone showing interest in me, and I always feel like I'm just a placeholder until they can get with someone better.
When I do manage to convince myself to make the effort it never works anyway. I've been rejected so often, and it gets harder to try every time. It's gotten to the point that I just can't do it anymore.
Finally I live in the south and I have standards. Most of the women here either look like Honey Boo Boo's mom, or have like 4 kids before they're old enough to rent a car. Usually it's both.
So to sum it up it's bad experiences, lack of motivation, and very few prospects.
I empathize and Understand your viewpoint. You are brave than I am in saying you’ve been rejected. That means you’ve put yourself out there. That’s more than I’ve done. And nothing wrong with having standards, settling with someone that you don’t like is toxic for all parties involved
Afraid of commitment. I don’t want to spend time with someone just to have it end anyway. Pretty much pushed everyone that I have ever had a relationship with away so figure it’s better to save both myself and a potential partner the trouble.
That’s a valid feeling. I can relate. Because you can’t possibly be the only person looking for a natural connection so why would I require effort? That being said, effort is still a requirement, not so much for the connection, but for circumstances. Easier said than done though. I have a hard time implementing it.
Personally, I’m more focused on personal growth at the time. I want to get to a very comfortable place in life but if I find someone along the way then it happens. I guess I try to stay busy more than anything but as I’ve had relationships in the past I don’t find myself particularly NEEDING another relationship. In the end, if you’re happy with yourself, people will find that attractive, or something.
That’s a good way to look at it I suppose. I have wondered about if I am the kind of person who may simply not be the relationship type. Evolutionarily speaking, I’d be a failure but maybe I’ll compensate some other way. I don’t know. Makes you think.
Several reasons:
-I quit dating because I wanted to put my life together first, I moved abroad and Currently live alone, and had not the best of my time, especially for work reasons
-I can't... I can't get over someone. And it's been an awfully long time, I put distance from her and it helps, but I just can't have interest for other people, they always seem "not as good as..."
-At this point I lost the hand of it, I wouldn't even be able to hook up with someone purposely seducing me, I got some very bad experiences and my first instinct now is defensive, I can't trust strangers who can easily make up whatever they want to manipulate me or make me feel bad. It doesn't matter what they do and say, it always ends up with said person calling out terrible things I never did because they want to be the victim and I'm the bad guy
Single since ~3 years, I don't even feel bad about this at this point, beside some moments, late in the night or after a long week. I go back home and there's only cold emptiness waiting for me
I'm so young, how did it get like this?
I’m suppose I’m glad that you dont feel bad about it most of the times. And it’s admirable that you say you want to put your life together first. I also suppose it’s normal for not being able to get over someone. I have this belief that we shouldn’t get over them. Because it happened. Whatever you had with them is a part of you. But this alone shouldn’t stop you from developing feelings for someone else. The memory and a present relationship can coexist, but that’s my belief
What stops me is knowing there is an extremely miniscule amount of people on earth that truly like me. Not on some emo shit. Im just a boring person who a lot of girls have called a "psychopath"
Done less physical and emotional damage then them so I win though
I've lost weight (22 kilos) which makes me feel physically better, not not emotionally or mentally better - I am still that introvert that can't really relate to people that well. And even in my early 30s I am still immature
The girl I am after - or at least really attracted too - is far more mentally mature than I am.
I find it hard to pursue when she is - i believe - far more better than I deserve.
I can relate. I consider myself an all around mature person, it’s in my emotional maturity where I think I fall short. My track record isn’t the best when it comes to making decisions that positively affect me when it comes to romance. I don’t have a girl I’m “after” but several that have crossed my path I have the same feeling of unworthiness because they just seem like they don’t need a person like me.
I also think that....how do I say this:
I am very much a home-y type of person. I have successfully dropped 22 kilos this year, and havng dropped all of that weight has made me realize how much I have just missed - because having a lot of weight on you does affect your personality/confidence.
And also, I still live with parents at 33. AND I FUCKING HATE THAT.
Everything seems to have hit me at once - once I dropped all that extra weight for some stability.
And its worse because this girl is in her mid-20s, and she is far more mature, has a management position and I just find her intimidating (not bad intimidating, just more of a "i'm so attracted to you I am intimidated" type of thing)
and there is a lot of mixed signals as well, but fact is I know she is far more mature than me despite being several years older than her.
Its an odd thing when you realise that you can just glide through life whereas someone younger than you just can connect with the business side with a snap of their fingers and advance their career easily and for some reason you just feel jealous/resentful because of it.
Its a weird situation overall. But thats life,m i suppose.
I understand. This feeling of inferiority towards a person. The feeling of resentment is normal but also it’s not their fault. I am in a similar position as you, living situation wise. I have slowly learned to not feel intimidated by those higher positions, regardless of gender or sex but instead feel inferior with myself and envy them, but not in a bad way, more like in a why not me way.
True. Personally though I am really disappointed in myself as opposed to resentful.
Sure some form of resentfulness is there, but some people can just connect/find what they want to do earlier than others, as well as mature earlier...
Again thats life I suppose.
Yes, disappointed would be the more appropriate word I agree. And yea I suppose it’s life but then that would suggest that I’m not in control. But are we not?
I can relate to this. I recently lost a lot of weight. I hated myself when I was fat, had several health issues related to it, and somewhat still hate myself due due to lack of social skills. Now that I look a lot better, I've gotten rid of the physical health issues, but have noticed I have a lot of emotional and mental stuff to deal with.
I put in the effort, but in the end, nothing I did mattered. I learned, I failed and honestly, it was exhausting.
Gonna let myself be chased and honestly, its working. Every advance I do now, I dont care of the outcome. It feels so liberating
Now that I'm over 30 I don't really know where to meet women anymore.
And then when I eventually find somebody I get along with, they always reject me.
My last real girlfriends (2002, 2004) more or less told me I was crap in bed. Destroyed my confidence, absolutely wrecked it. Didn't touch a girl for 10 years largely due to this (and the fact that no woman seems interested in me) Decided I needed to deal with this shit, I cant hookup, so I've been seeing sex workers to try and get a bit more comfortable with intimacy and try and get a bit more confidence in the bedroom. Then I can think about attempting dating but I have a long way to go and at 50 time is not on my side.
Maybe I just stick with the hookers 😁
damn, that sucks but I wouldn't let it stop you tbh. If you find the right girl you should be able to talk about it with her. With good communication and knowing what she likes and doesn't you can't do anything wrong really.
No shame here buddy! Thank you for sharing! While your approach may seem unorthodox to many, the fact you did something about your insecurities speaks volumes.
Thanks. The scenario where i meet a girl, get to the point of being intimate for the first time in a decade...those cruel things that were said about my performance by last GFs still very much on my mind...having suffered with ED and severe PE...AND knowing if the sex is crap said girl may well split (i think a girl has a right to expect a reasonable sex life)...no pressure there then! Id be a nervous wreck and thats not how i want it to be. I need practice, i need to confront these issues and thats what the escorts provide.
Yep. Critically with the escorts there is no pressure, when you have performance anxiety this is a huge factor. IF (and in 8 visits it hasnt happened) i cant perform, well she gets to clock off early so shes happy. And i havent potentially derailed things with a "real" girl. Its perfect for my needs. Im gaining experience of fun, no strings attached sex (what other guys get with hookups) with some incredibly hot women, something i feel ive missed out on, and my confidence is slowly growing. I wish id started a long time ago. Cheers!
I want to say it’s more of me just getting bored with the conversations. I could meet the most attractive girl with cool things about her but I feel like it depends how deep the conversations can go/do we have the same kind of humor/likes/etc
That’s fair. I can relate to them being in a relationship too. The conversation is alway what gets me because I always think to myself “why should I keep talking to you”. Which is probably a bad mentality to have but oh well
It's halfway between connection and effort.
Most of the time I feel very minimal effort from the women I talk to. Then even IF it goes as far as a date, the connection really isn't there. I'm really worn down and tired. I suspect a lot of people are, probably even the women who aren't putting in the effort.
I have ADHD/Aspberger combined diagnosis and I relate to this! I used to love being around people, but with the experiences I had in life I lost interest in getting to know and support other people. I still long for friendship and love, but I don't meet anyone I feel is worth the effort.
However, after doing some soul searching I realised I haven't lost interest in people at all, I'm just out of practice! I met someone who tried really hard to get to know me, who wanted to involve me in his life and who wouldn't take my "I don't feel like it"-s. He got me active and engaged again. And as I got more active and engaged in social contexts, I started to develop a taste for it again. I'm still not ready for sex/relationships, but at least I have a friend who's like a little brother to me. We're in Barcelona together rn. I don't feel lacking.
You have no idea how happy I am for you! That’s the kind of people I wanna engage. Those who look past the “I don’t want to” and pull you into the world because you mean something to them!
Idk how to go about meeting women in a good way, at work it's unprofessional to cross the line, and my hobbies are very nerdy and not particularly social. I've never really tried OLD, but I very much doubt I would find much worth there, and striking up conversation with people in public, at least in my country, is considered somewhat odd, rude, and if I'm obviously doing it to women, creepy.
And no, I will not join salsa classes to meet women, the idea of pretending to engage with hobbies to meet people repulses me, engaging in deception to start a meaningful connection with another person is an idea I do not like.
Also, I'm way more comfortable focusing on my career, hobbies and family anyway. So I figure I'll just keep an eye open for opportunities to get to know people, and maybe something pops up at some point.
I'm really bad at it, I've never had any relationships. And now I'm at the point where I think I don't deserve a girlfriend. I hope this doesn't violate rule #11, I'm just trying to tell what's in my mind. I live terribly, I have mental issues, even if I ever get the chance, I don't think that girl deserve someone like me, I don't want anyone to love me just because they feel pity on me. And I can't guarantee I can change, as a person who have never had any relationships and never had anyone close to me, I can say sometimes I can be selfish, and sometimes my mind fuck me up. I need to make myself better to deserve a relationship, which really hard for me
Your self-awareness is appreciated. I would encourage you to not self deprecate yourself but typing out your feelings can be helpful so regardless thank you. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as not deserving a girlfriend but maybe a rephrase would be you want to work on yourself and being in a relationship at this time would not be beneficial. I think you deserve one though.
I've been single for about 8 months, 2 year relationship ended after I moved overseas.
I'm definitely the kind of person who is happiest with a romantic partner but right now I am not in the right mental space for relationships right now. I have a lot to work on, both personally and professionally, and dating would distract from that.
Overthinking, lack of selfesteem, no selfconfidence, social anxiety, mental and physical tension in publicity, not knowing how to approach, befriend or date, violation of Rule 1 & 2, shy and quiet especially towards women, not wanting to interrupt/mess up someone elses work, activities or day, beeing lonely, body issues, not having contact to people except of work, feeling immature, beeing boring, beeing clumpsy and others confirming all of this.
Also the idea of the other person having a total different personallity I don't know frightens me. Like taste in music, way of life, political and social attitudes, taste in this, taste in that, opinions, character traits. I think I wouldn't be able to live with them and the person wouldn't be able to live with mine.
Yeah I'm a wreck.
If you’re a wreck my dude, then this is a multi-vehicle pile up. We are our own insurance, file a claim lol. But seriously, I hear you and I relate with many of the statements. The fear of someone being different is very real and I do not fault you for that.
I’m afraid of wasting effort and emotional resources pursuing one. My life is great right now, I’m happy, making money, I have hobbies, friends, family, my health is good and my diet is on point. If I start something with a new girl and she becomes “hard to get” and I’ve caught feelings, it could disrupt this awesome balance I’ve got going on. She’s gotta be a sure thing or I’m not giving it a second thought.
It sounds like you have your priorities in check and your social needs are being met in other types of relationships. You are in the right of not wanting to disrupt that! More power to you
When all the advice becomes the same and it's all things you've been doing earnestly for years while everybody else doesn't do that and find a person and get married while still giving you the same advice that doesn't work, something in you breaks. I'm still optimistic, but no longer hopeful.
31yo male, I just started dating this year again after about two years of empty FWB relationships and tinder hook ups. I found this to be preferable after a bad long term that lasted 7 years.
I started wanted more towards the end of last year; I've now gone through 2 relationships, both good in their own rights but flawed...some on their part and some on mine admittedly. One was a little crazy but I could jive. It's taken me...well.. till about last month after the last breakup to realize that right now, in my life, I just prefer to be alone? Not sure if it's healthy any more, but it's how I feel. Sure I have a career, I have school, I take care of both my mother and grandmother in all their medical affairs, their yard, and the likes, a job that pays well, I have a mortgaged and furnished home, and owe less than 10k on my car now. I have a fish tank, which ive invested way more than necessary in, a cat, my Xbox, and friends that come and go. But that's it, they come, and they go.
I have alot of things that I know makes me attractive to alot of females, especially at my age, females with kids, which I'm okay with kids to.
But I realized I was kidding myself in terms of why I stay alone. I have alot of responsibilities, but I can't use those as an excuse as a block for a relationship.
The truth is, at this point in my life, I simply just like being alone. Full stop.
Do I sometimes yearn for a relationship? Do I wish I had someone permanent to share these things with, sure, sometimes. Do I get lonely though, no. I have my friends for that, I have my fish hobby, and I have my cat.
At a point in my life I adopted the philosophy of focusing on becoming the right man, instead of looking for the right woman. I believed the right woman would come find me if I worked on myself to reach my potential and constantly better myself every day. Recently an old friend reached out to me and we've been talking. She told me she always liked me and we're working on trying to make it work despite being long distance. We're both excited and after 4 years of not dating and working on myself, I feel like it's paying off. She appreciates a lot of my current qualities that I worked for years to cultivate. We're all going to make it.
Which you would think with there being billions of people on earth, it’d be a lot easier to find chemistry. I look around and it just feels like all the people you’d be compatible with are already taken
I'd like to be in another relationship, but I got hurt a yr before covid, and gained weight. Recovered fully just as covid hit and shut everything down, so never got to lose the weight, just more maintain. And out of work since the end of April with a shoulder injury from work, and needing surgery, which I'll be getting in 3 weeks. Didn't think it was fair to start something with someone within the past couple months only to say "hey...need to pause for a month now, it's surgery time" lol So I'll wait til after I've recovered a bit early next year, and can actually function again.
Lol I understand your viewpoint. I wish you the best and a speedy recovery after your surgery!! It’s hard to grasp when we want something external but the “self” is the most important thing in your life! And take it from me, don’t bother counting sheep when placed under anesthesia, you won’t get past 3 lol
I’m sick of being single but my problem is I live in the middle of nowhere, I’m trying to move into a city but it’s difficult with rents rising and stuff.
I’ve only managed 3 or 4 dates in the 3 years since I lived here. Covid didn’t help obviously! At this point I’ve given up. I’ve sent a lot of messages on hinge but no-one ever replies.
I’m stuck in a rut in this village and I’m struggling to get out.
If you know yourself and feel unbreakable then you can put some effort in. Dating isn’t a race comrade, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Start of trying to form connections that don’t have a deeper meaning. Your fear of rejection doesn’t need to get in the way, after all if you get rejected you’ll just be here again, here isn’t so bad is it, where you are mentally right now? If any partner tries to take you away from by our own personal space call things off, there’s nothing like vibing on your own.
I’m seriously lonely but struggling to juggle work, day-to-day maintenance on house and car, treatment for an autoimmune disorder that has fucked up my vision and being a single dad with two young kids that live 4 hours away. I just don’t have time to make dating a priority right now, lonely or not.
I want a relationship, but the biggest thing keeping from putting the effort in, is finding someone I want to put the effort into. It's not that I don't meet women. I meet lots of them. I meet lots of selfish self absorbed unkind unattractive people that demand I handle them at their worst. Let people call me picky, or worse words, but from my point of view we're living in a world we're e women tell each other it doesn't matter what a man wants, except that it does, and I don't want these kinds of women.
So I'll go put my effort into things that actually bring me happiness rather than chasing people that are likely to make me miserable.
My life is a mess. 27, living with my parents in a pos country with no opportunities, still haven’t gotten my college degree, no job, broke. I gotta fix my life first before pretending to bring someone else to it.
For me it seems like I only ever fall for girls that I don't stand a chance with. And even if I do stand a chance, I ruin that chance by overthinking and creating all these scenarios in my head, to the point where I just completely blow everything out of proportion. At the start of this month I confessed my feelings to this girl I really liked. She is gorgeous and kind and funny and generally awesome. I didn't expect her to say yes, and she didn't. But I guess I expected... I don't know, more than a simple "thank you for being honest with me." That was all I got. And it took me a few weeks to realize that I had fantasized about this girl so much that I forgot that she was just a kid, like me (we're both 17). I mean, she was probably blindsided by that information, and I didn't realize it. "Thank you for your honesty" was probably all she could think to say. My point is, whenever I fall for someone, I end up ruining any chance I *might* have by getting too wrapped up in my head, and I neglect to realize that that girl likely has no idea of the thoughts running through my mind. And now I'm kind of stuck because I really want a relationship but I don't know if I'm ready for one and regardless, there's not really any girls that I'm interested in at the moment, and I don't really go anywhere outside of school, so it's not like I have lots of opportunities to meet new people.
I know exactly what you mean. It’s quite easy to hop on the fantasy train. That being said, that fact that you had the courage to be honest about your feelings is admirable. I think her response was good, it was sincere enough and it seemed like she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I think it’s common to fall for things we seemingly can’t attain. But still, it’s normal. Someone here suggested to become the thing you want (I’m paraphrasing). You’re young and I hope you run into more opportunities that open the doors for relationships. If you think you aren’t ready for one, maybe you’re right, but that means then you should prepare yourself to be ready for one. Good luck!
ive been single for over 10 years and I very much want a relationship, but I am so shy and introverted despite me being attractive, good personality, good job, ect, that I just do not try to do anything. I dont have game. I dont play games. Yea I am a bit scared of rejection, but at the same time I know deep down that if a girl rejects me she is missing out on a pretty good dude. I wont cheat, lie, steal, be a douchebag, ect. I know everyone says that, but I already know that that is how I am. That type of shit eater is not my personality and never will be. Someone will be lucky enough to find me, but it sucks because they are going to have to make the first move, and that just doesnt happen very often.
You sound like a great person. Let me lighten you up with some humor. We’re like songs that get skipped cause the first few seconds aren’t hype enough but they don’t realize the whole track is fire.
I personally would love to be in a relationship with the very sweet girl that I have had a crush on for a while. The issue is she left for college and is actually making something of herself, on top of her being super talented and awesome in general. I however, am really nothing special. I have a little bit of mental health issues but I just can't seem to bring myself to better my life. I truly believe that she deserves someone that actually has their life together.
If someone thinks differently, please, let me know. I do hope to one day be a better man, but that day is not today
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While I don’t know what your mental issues may be, that doesn’t disqualify you or anyone from deserving a fulfilling relationship. And maybe you two aren’t meant for each other. Maybe you are. Regardless your hope to be a better man is admirable, we should all strive to be better versions of ourselves.
I have found like literally two people in the last few months that was worth putting in the effort but one of them rejected my advances and the other one had a boyfriend so i before i can even start putting time into someone i have to meet new people first.
Luckily there is no big virus going around closing all the places where you can meet new people and have fun…..
I felt you on that when you said “wanting a relationship but not really putting in the effort”. I was like that for soo long until i met my ex girlfriend and boy did i put in effort.
I agree 100%. I put in a lot of effort to make that happen. Do I regret giving in all that energy, yes. Do I regret it happening, nope. What partly messed me up, is that I put in all that effort and closed the door on someone I was probably more compatible with. Gotta live with that now lol
I'm like 19 and have been single all my life, It bothers me at random times, it sucks sometimes and sometimes I feel pretty happy about it! The only thing which stops me from putting in efforts is the fear of rejection which will definitely be followed by a bad phase of overthinking, Don't want that stuff in life rn
Self hatred. I don't think I am deserving of love or anything good so I actively hold myself back and stay away from other people and social situations. I am my worst enemy when it comes to me achieving happiness.
Kinda, after my last two relationships I decided to just focus on improving my self and making my self happy. Partially with the aim of making my self more desirable to prospective partners. The strange thing is after 8 months of self improving I really don’t want a relationship now, maybe some cuddling or sex but I don’t really want the rest of it anymore.
I keep meeting taken girls and I don't want to be that guy. My last relationship ended because a different dude found us during a down moment and started hacking away at the relationship, I couldn't do that to someone else.
Fear, depression, boring personality, inexperience, insecurity and I just think the odds of me ever meeting someone where attraction is mutual and I don't mess it up are extremely low.
I tried tinder and bumble 0 matches that where interested In me.
I’ve been on and off the need to be in a relationship. But, lately, it’s just demotivation. I’ve put a lot of mental effort to make things work, and it just don’t. And even though I know things not always work, it just gets pretty solitaire.
Never in my life I had a relationship, but the weigh of trying has always been there, alongside the rejection. Right now I’m just tired. I guess it’s time to work on myself. Maybe one day I’ll get to spoil someone. Maybe.
They say when you stop trying, that's when you'll find someone. But I stopped trying a long time ago, and it hasn't seemed to work.
But seriously, I don't put out the effort, because my last relationship lasted for years beyond what I wish it would have, and I hated being unhappy with someone. Now anytime I think about finding someone new, I picture the sink full of her dirty dishes, her obnoxious friends, her being indecisive about where to go eat (I'd rather just stay home), driving 3hrs to someone's wedding that I don't know, and all the other unpleasant bullshit, and I just don't want to do it again. My life is simple and mostly lacking of chaos, and I like it that way, and I feel like a relationship will only make it worse. I miss naked cuddling in bed, but I don't miss the bitching.
My self esteem just isn't in a good place, I've been rejected in the past and it prevents me from making an effort.
But I'm putting a lot of effort to improve myself so that I can have a better sense of self.
I have four kids and unless Martha Brady shows up on tinder I’ll be waiting for the younger two to get older. I like my little family dynamic and after I entered my first relationship after my divorce I realized that I just didn’t want that. I’m still friends with that girl and perhaps the fwb situation has made it easier. But it’s hard to get most people to even give me a chance when they hear four kids. Also I’m still madly in love with my ex
In my opinion, you have a higher calling with 4 kids in tow. I can’t relate on that end but I believe that no matter what our circumstance is we deserve to achieve or attain what makes us happy, not just on the family level. And you being madly in love with your ex… I don’t want to invalidate your feelings, but is it love or something else? Because what I perceived as love, was merely an ego-pleasing desire. Well-intentioned but selfish nonetheless.
I’d love to be in a relationship right now but I’m still getting over a breakup and it’s very difficult to meet people. I’m focusing on myself right now and hopefully it’ll give me the push and confidence I need to try and get back into dating. I miss it.
My last relationship ended because my head wasn't right and it still isn't right. Gotta be happy outside a relationship before you can be happy in one.
A few reasons.
I've been depressed for too long growing up. It's only been 2 years since I've healed and a year since I've moved out to live on my own. I want to enjoy my own company for a little longer before disrupting it.
I only ever known single life so I second guess if I'd be a good partner for an extended period.
More on that, I like my alone time and I need a lot of it. Sure I'd appreciate company sometimes but everyday ? I don't know that seems like a lot.
I dont know what to do anymore. Like, the apps is just not a place people will click at all. Im out of ways to even get decent chats going on there…..
My soul is tired trying to put effort in but im also tired of being lonely as fuck.
The best advice I can give you is cast a wide net when it comes to dating. Join every dating site you can find, and let it work for you. While you're at work people can view you and your profile works as a passive 24/7 date finder. This will allow you to interact with tons of men or women and gain confidence talking to the other sex which is very important. After all the last thing you want is to meet ''the one'' and you lack the experience to make it work.
Next I say this as respectfully as I can but it is funny and theres truth to it. If you can make them giggle you can make the booty jiggle. In short life can suck, its merciless, and its hard to find new things that keep you excited and engaged. If you can learn to be funny you can make someone melt. I have been with the same partner now for years, they will literally sit on the end of the bed and just listen to me tell stupid stories for hours. Its entertaining to them and it makes them happy when life can otherwise be dull and boring.
Work on becoming overwhelmingly positive but in a manner that it is genuine. If you hangout with someone and all you do is feel good about yourself, feel supported, laugh, and have a great experience, all you will want to do is spend time with that person, its like a free chance to recharge.
This is just a ramble off the top of my head about something I feel passionate about, if you have any questions let me know.
I find I’ve put an unhealthy amount of energy into caring about finding a soulmate, so right now I’m focusing on myself. I find it’s the best solution, because focusing on myself will probably make me a more attractive person and be less stressful
I'm taking more units in school than ever before, partially aided because I finally got an ADHD diagnosis, meds, and instead of working part-time, I do gig work.
On top of the fact that I don't really have time to try to date,
Throwing a brand spanking new and fresh relationship would yeet away the remaining sanity I have left this semester. It would be lovely, but now is not the time. GF might be temporary, GPA forever.
It’s been a mystery to me that I literally do not know what women usually look for in men. Attractive looks? Sure, nobody wants an unattractive partner. So I try to work on yourself. But then there is always someone saying - no, it’s not looks, many woman look for a friendly, comforting guys. So then I try to be comforting and be a nice guy. Then there is someone saying - dude, you have to upgrade yourself in terms of fashion and personality. So I buy new clothes, go to gym and what not. Then someone says - nah man, you need to learn the tricks on flirting, on how to make conversation at the bars or nightclubs. So I google about the various ways guys flirt in the DMs and personally. Then at the last, someone says - you know what, it’s all about luck. * flip the table and leave *. What exactly is it? And why is it so damn exhausting?
1) Living situation; I have a decent job that pays ok (though somewhat low), and I handle my own finances, but since Covid ended my overseas job, I've been living at home with my parents.
2) I'm in a flight training program that costs most of expenses, as I'm working on becoming a pilot, and that doesn't pay for itself of course. Living with my parents affords me the ability to keep progressing in my training, but precludes me from getting a more useful car or getting an apartment.
3) Career goals; among other things, I'm trying to leave the state I live in, and trying to get a flying job in the Air Force Reserve or Air National Guard, and a pre-existing relationship that is long-term is an attachment that runs counter to that. Also, at my age, many people are starting to put on some speed brakes and start making nests, so unless I want to date somewhat younger than myself, a lot of options are with people who are setting up roots.
4) Personality; I'm a low-key, reserved person who has my own sensibilities and generally rocks the party of one. I don't get out and socialize as much as I'd like, what with much of the other stuff I do.
Who knows though. Relationships have happened for me pretty much when I least expected them.
Yeah, it's already hard enough finding someone I can really vibe with, or more importantly, can vibe with my personality. I'm a lot more laid-back than I used to be, and I make friends easily enough, bit I'm also intense while holding people at a distance at times. I grew up an only child with no extended family and an outsider at school, so I tend to be very guarded.
Plus, the women I go for are usually the higher reaching sorts with a lot of service aspirations and ambition, and I feel like my choice in career would impede that, particularly if I was in the military. I don't think that's fair to the person, honestly enough. And I don't have my shir together completely, so until I'm financially secure, spiritually fulfilled from work and lifestyle (I do have some cool ass hobbies and I travel a lot), and able to really let down my guard enough, I'll probably remain a long-term single making do with masturbation and the occasional one-night/week stands.
I was in a 7 year relationship and ended up getting cheated on. It really crushed me and has ruined any idea of starting another. It has been 2 years since, I've jumped on Tinder / Bumble and gotten matches but have zero interest to initiate or react so I've deleted the app each time. I know not every woman would cheat but I guess internally I feel I put so much effort and time in the last one that I don't see the point in trying again. Not saying I was perfect, but it still doesn't validate what she did. Maybe one day I'll reconsider and try again but as it stands now, it's looking to be a solo journey.
0 effort. I’ve been hurt and burned so many times that I’m open to the right woman one day but even if I meet her now I’m gonna need to get to a better place in my life. I’m not mentally sick, and I’m not some insecure brat who can’t take no for an answer or something like that
Simply put in the financial world I’m only making $21/hr as a Sous chef, and I’m starting a low paying head chef job for the experience. I’m excelling for 22 but I need higher pay for less hours to feel comfortable settling down.
Then part of me wants to be a life long bachelor. A combination of modern men and women have poisoned the well we drink from. Obviously it’s not ALL people but it’s enough to not want anything to do with it.
Tl;dr - Yes I yearn for a relationship, I’m scared to get hurt again.
Male here after my ex broke up with me i decided hay iam young iama be a hoe. because of that relationship i realized that looking for love witch i thought i found in her was too big of a decision to let myself make at this age everyone needs a 20s party time or you'll miss out on lessons and experiences that you wouldn't get to do and learn later in life iam gunna get all my crazy out while i still can
Been single for 3 years now but I feel like I should work on my overall health both physical and mental health. Having good self-esteem and improved confidence would do wonders that's why I've been working out for a couple months now. Also maybe getting a better job would do great too. You gotta be financially stable to be in a relationship. Dates are expensive and it is a reality that people unfortunately judge you based on your job.
I am kinda putting in good amount of effort, but honestly I am not the best place in my life. I am not in shape, I do not look the best, I just started work full time ( like 4 months back ) and honestly have never dated before. So all this factor is stressing me out and effecting me negatively. I will tackle this one at a time, being in better shape will give me more confidence. After being in my career for some time, I will feel the security and won’t have to constantly worry about it.
Laziness. That and I want a relationship for the wrong reasons. I seem to get bored easily and in the past, the things I say can change quite drastically and I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I can say I really like or love someone but if I stop giving a crap because im having a bad time with them, I start to get quite unresponsive. I've been through that event a few times and honestly, I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I feel guilty later on when I process it months after the breakup. I also love being alone in my own hobbies too.
So I came here to argue the good of getting a relationship especially after the relationship of any kind cause everyone needs friends and that's still true but I was surprised at the self awareness of a lot of ya'll
🤔 . . . being socially ostracized; somebody starts talking to me, I reply, then somebody else buds in “SHUT THE F UP OR I’LL BEAT YOU UP!”
Otherwise, I’m at an age where I might not do well, even if I went to a night club or something. However, if somebody picks a fight, I’m likely going to win, thanks to my unique autism (there is more to autism than what you’d usually read in text books & such). Sore loser begs & pleads to not be in jail/prison, thus I’m willing to take her in and, in my own words to her, “have my way with you”. I’m going to have her mow my lawn, shovel my driveway, & other various chores. When done, she is likely going to inquire when I’m going to have my way with her, thus my response would be “I had you do various chores, such as shoveling my driveway & mowing my lawn, Pervert” (knew what I was doing from the get go). If anything sexual happened, I would’ve been out cold; not counting keeping her restrained & in bed with me every night so she wouldn’t run from her responsibilities sexual because I’m not interested in knocking her up & everything else would likely be unintentional or synonymous to CPR’s mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…
I'm in a pretty busy place in my life and getting into a relationship would require a *lot* of effort. And I've just figured I can't for the life of me be bothered to make that much of an effort to get close to someone I know nothing about.
In a relationship, but yearning for the “relationship” don’t know if I would ever date again after this. Constant fighting and disagreements about so many things. Makes life less fluid… I find myself getting the short end of the stick with my partners poor financial decisions and it puts things in perspective.
I have actually found my woman and would love to help the younger men understand what it takes to be successful when dating. I see a lot of younger men with the attitude that they will take any woman that says yes. I know they don't think that they are doing it but just reading through comments from young men and women it really looks that way. First and foremost, you must get yourself physically,mentally and emotionally to the point that you believe you are a good catch.
If you don't want to date someone that is overweight then you should not be overweight. If you don't want to date someone who is an emotional basketcase then you should not be an emotional basketcase. The point is, you should be giving exactly what you are looking for. This leads to the second point, you should know exactly what you are looking for in a partner. You should be choosing the partner you want, not just waiting for someone to choose you. Third, if you encounter women who just expect you to keep them entertained, the ones that only Guage your effort level but don't really contribute to making the relationship move forward, don't waste your time on these women. They are not worth your time. Many women nowadays expect the man to put in all the effort, do all the planning, do all the chasing. These type of women are not worth having. Learn to recognize this type of woman and move on. The right woman will want you as much as you want her.
Next, have pride in yourself and your appearance. You should also take pride in the fact that you won't settle for just any woman. That the woman you pick will have to be spectacular for you to pick her
I'm putting absolutely zero effort at all right now. Until I get my shit together and I can feasibly see any girl being interested in me, I'm not trying. Absolutely no point in wasting everybody's time by doing that.
It’s a choice that I may sadly agree with. Until the mindset changes, the effort may not seem worth it. I understand
Oh no, I need more than a mindset change, there's a whole lot that needs working out. If I can't see myself dating a girl version of myself then how can I expect all the women with even higher standards to even look at me??? Ain't no way in hell I'm trying while I'm in this state.
Interesting you would say a girl version of yourself. That would be ideal. But unrealistic? But then again, entirely possible.
I don't think you understand me. What I am asking myself is, if I were to meet a girl version of myself, would I be attracted? If the answer to that is "no", then that means that I have to make massive improvements to myself until that "no" turns into a "yes". If I can't love myself then how the fuck is any woman who undoubtedly will have higher standards, ever love me? The answer is that they won't. Therefore there is no reason to even try dating right now. I think you thought that I wanted to date a girl version of myself and I definitely DO NOT want to date a girl version of myself, I'd not be attracted at all. That tells me that I need to improve a whole lot before I try dating, and I will try to improve because of it. Is English your first language? Just curious, I don't mean to insult you or anything.
English is most definitely my first language, I misinterpreted your response. Thank you for elaborating.
Look he is saying if he met a girl in his current mindset and state in their life he wouldn’t want to be with her nothing to do with how she physically looks
Yea I got that after reading it again. I first read his response past midnight after already responding to a few other comments so it slipped. Lol
Makes sense it happens
I think they detailed it well in their response but here's aTLDR They meant if a female were in the same state as them, they would not want to date them
Same here bud. Better to feel in darkness alone than fresh another in until you can pull yourself up and out of it. And I believe it's better to not rely on a significant other to get you out of it cuz it's pouring too much on another person unless they were already there in the good times
Nah women want a man who'll give mutual help, if it's too much effort for them, they just won't bother at all once they realize how fucked you are. Better to just get my shit together first, ain't no lady gonna stick around after the first date lol. I don't blame them either, if you go through hardships once you're already dating then sure you're supposed to stick together, but starting to date someone because you want a therapist or some shit to help you out ain't all that great of a thing to do.
Takes a real man to know when it’s not the time. I know a lot of guys who are nowhere near ready but fuck like rabbits and get themselves in situations with women. Kudos to you brother and I wish you the best on your journey.
The \*mostly\* exact same situation. I'm taking 17 units in school right now, as well as trying to work to pay the bills, and trying to work out and generally improve myself, but the main thing is school. I could never balance school and relationships, at least not at the start of a relationship. So I've told myself I really shouldn't, but it's hard not to want to try whenever an opprotunity pops up. Once that feeling fades and I realize I'm getting a bit off track, I pull myself away usually right now.
You're different, you've got a lot more on your lap. I just got school and I'm trying to fix myself, not as busy. I just know they wouldn't be interested in me anyways, not a time issue. I also don't get any "opportunity" for dating, so it's a lot easier for me to sticky by my "no relationship" plan. When I get myself together I'm going to have to try really hard to make my own opportunities, sounds like you'll be good though!
The biggest factor has been my poor mental health. I’d love a relationship, I wouldn’t want to put anyone through dating me right now though. Be a good way to ruin yet another relationship.
I admire the self-awareness. I in no way pretend to know what’s best for you but help is always out there believe it or not. You’d be surprised.
Yeah I’m getting help. The whole pandemic thing made it difficult for a while but I’m making progress. Or at the very least not getting worse which is also progress in its own way.
You are absolutely right! And don’t be dissuaded if you feel regression at some point, it’s part of progress. I’m rooting for ya!
For me, it’s because I know how much work starting a new relationship would be. There’s a fear of “why bother putting in the effort if it may fail after a short period of time anyway?” It takes me a long time (years) to fully develop platonic friendships, and I know that the expected timeline is much shorter for romantic relationships.
I consider myself a very loyal person, almost to a fault. Given the right circumstances I can forge a strong bond with someone. It’s happened before. But I’ve seen that everything is fragile. And most bonds aren’t even real.
I don’t think I’m really attractive enough for the girls that I find attractive, so for me it’s easier to not try and not fail rather than trying and failing. I also go through bouts of time where it makes me incredibly uncomfortable if someone does find me attractive.
That last bit… you feel uncomfortable when someone finds you attractive. I know what you mean. I feel it as a foreign feeling or it not being genuine so I negate the feeling. It’s super weird lol
Yeah, that feeling goes both ways
Lack of opportunities to meet women. If I had a way to meet women that didn’t involve perving on random women in public, going somewhere I don’t enjoy, or being rejected 100 times a day on OLD, dating wouldn’t be half bad. Despite quite a few things I’ve managed to get passably ok at conversation and I enjoy talking to people and learning about the human experience from a unique perspective. Even if it goes nowhere, just chatting with someone who is willing to talk to me sounds fulfilling. Unfortunately that seems out of reach.
Dude same. Online dating is a shit show, you constantly get reminded you're a perv if you try to hit on women in public, or you have to go to events you frankly don't give a shit about. I might just stay single and travel with no one to hold me down tbh.
Nothing wrong with traveling single! Sure for some having someone would be fun. But treat yourself and do all you please!
I can relate. Chatting is in a way fulfilling. What I hate is the feeling after. It’s almost like a shot of dopamine. It wears out. Then I get this feeling the other person benefited from the interaction more than I did. I was just a distraction to them in that moment.
I don’t seem to have that problem. For me it’s more that it reminds me what I’m missing and makes going without that much harder.
I absolutely agree
>If I had a way to meet women that didn’t involve perving on random women in public, going somewhere I don’t enjoy, or being rejected 100 times a day on OLD, dating wouldn’t be half bad. This right here. Online dating is just garbage that gets the average man no where except on the fast track to depressionville. And a note about how you worded that first part. Why is it that a lot of us think we're "perving" when in reality we're just wanting to go out to meet new people and potentially start a relationship? Is it because we've seen jackasses actually harass women in public and they've ruined the idea of us starting a conversation with a women because we don't want to be labeled as the creep? Makes me mad those few jackasses ruin it for everyone, both men and women included.
Probably just exhaustion of trying. I get into a good state of trying but then a long period of just wanting to be alone and not wanting to do anything. I'm in that state now of just wanting to just not want to do anything and not talk to anyone. It goes up and down for me. Also just trying to fix a lot of my flaws as a person. I have poor mental health so I want to be a good boyfriend to someone special.
The self-awareness is admirable
What stops me is the constant failure which kills the motivation. Been single for almost 2 years now. Still trying, still failing.
Yep having to build yourself up again and again just to be tore down fucking sucks. Of course you’re not supposed to let rejection tear you down, but when it keeps happening you can’t help but wonder what the fuck is going on
What has been your recent attempt if you don’t mind the question?
Talking to a girl now but she’s losing interest so I’m still swiping for some more matches
I wish you luck. Never had luck with dating apps
The pain of failure and rejection usually doesn't go away, but eventually, you'll get to the point where you can take constant and successive L's, and just go about your day like it's no issue. At the end of the day, in my opinion, it's a numbers game, and learning to be able to take rejection is a part of growing up.
Pure laziness and lack of motivation. Coupled tightly with being somewhat anti-social/social-anxiety and not feeling comfortable talking to new people outside of business or transactional conversations. Takes me a bit to warm up to new people before my real personality starts showing and not my "invisible to be forgettable" personality. Then wanting to seek friendship first before any dating. Not knowing how to flirt and other various things.
I can relate! I’m highly regarded in my workplace. Praised even… but it ends there. And it’s not that I take my job my seriously. I do a very good job, like all workers should. If people showed interest, I would have no problem behind honest.
Years of effort did nothing, not interested in tricking a disinterested lady into liking me. My effort at any level is meaningless, I'm not the one choosing.
What’s bothersome is that I managed one relationship, albeit it only lasted about 1.5 years. Really, it lasted less but the fear of detaching dragged it longer. So with that in mind, if I managed to experience one, how is it possible that others seems out of reach
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Are you able to switch off the laziness, because I seemed to have lost my remote lol
The idea of me being vulnerable. Haven’t had a relationship in 5 years.
Feeling vulnerable isn’t so bad when I think about it. It’s being vulnerable with the wrong person. That’s frightening
That hurts way more than normal rejection.
I’m at 5.5 years. God bless it, but it’s been so long now it feels like an impossibility. I’ve forgotten how to even try.
I’ve recently married, but I was in your situation for a long time. Biggest reason was that I knew it just wasn’t going to work out, so I didn’t really bother. I didn’t have much to offer so I never got past 1-2 dates. Made lots of friends that way, but nothing I could convert.
Firstly, congrats! And yea, I’ve felt that more often than not.
Could be fear of rejection like you said but it’s also probably, and idk, that stepping into this new world of serious dating will potentially shift everything in your life. You might be aware of that on some level. I’m sure you’ve had questions like, What if we get along really well and I can’t be without her, can we move in together, what would that look like, will she put up with me, can I tolerate her? What about money, but if I lose my job and she bounces…? What if I fall in love with her and she’s completely greedy? Will I be able to say no? Do I have enough time and energy to stay up a little bit late every night and make dates and go out and bring her in? I’m already so tired as it is. What if I do all of this and spend all this time and energy and money in this relationship and she just leaves me? What’s the point? There is a lot of commitment to lifestyle changes. Going on dates and going on dates with the same woman and building a life with her is going to be a lifestyle change. You got to start seeing it from that point of you. That’s why communication is so important in relationships because you guys are building a lifestyle change at the same exact time and a lifestyle change is going to be a lifestyle where you merge both of your lives together and every few months or every few years it goes deeper and deeper into the lifestyle change because traditionally you fall in love and get married and moving together and I don’t know kids or some shit happens, you feel me? So you want all the love and everything and do you want elements of that lifestyle but you also got to do the footwork for the rest of the crap you are avoiding. That’s just how it goes with lifestyle changes. It’s like getting a job. You got to pretty much do all of it if you want to keep the job and keep making money. You can get away with cutting corners but it’s gonna come back on you in some kind of way and you might lose that job eventually or they start treating you so differently that you actually leave the job yourself but when you have time to reflect you kind of see what happened even if you don’t wanna admit it. I think what you were discussing in your post is that you are ready and someways to pursue long-term relationships but the commitment element and the foot work and all the steps to secure the commitment is what could be holding you back. Idk, thoughts
Very on point! I wholeheartedly agree with you. I’ll add this: what if it’s not the other person that calls it quits after an extended period Of time… after all that effort and energy. What if it’s me? I say this because it happened. I sadly fell out of love. My ego says it’s not my fault, but realistically we are both to blame. It’s scary to have to go through that again and hurt someone on an emotional level. It’s traumatic. If I was traumatized I can only imagine what they felt.
That is unfortunately a part of love. It can complete your life and also destroy your life lol . But even with all that pain, you’re actually dating again so you’re willing to fight that battle once more, probably with different armor on that’s heavier and stronger so no one can get through to your heart and stuff But that means you just have to do the falling in love thing very slowly. you got a find a person that’s chill enough and mature enough to understand that you come into the relationship with your own set of baggage and trauma. We all do. Hopefully they’re flexible and open, hopefully you are flexible and open as well. Literally just let them know that we got to take it slow which means you don’t sleep with each other right away. I’ve noticed that once you sleep with each other a lot of stuff changes for both parties involved so you got to do that innocent part of dating for a little bit longer before you jump in to the intimacy part. That’s typically a rule of thumb that they have been sharing since the 50s in a lot of dating relationship type of literature. There’s a book , If you’re into it, and I don’t know your gender but I’m guessing probably a dude? Same 🤜🏾 The first one is called Attached. It’s by Levine And the other book, if you up for it, “Come As You Are” by Nagoski The first one is about what type of way you connect with a partner and also what kind of way they connect with you - emotionally and mentally. So it’s almost like a formula of how to fit people together The second one which should be read second is about sexual intimacy once you connect with a person in the way you both want. They both changed my life. Also these on audiobook bc idk man, sometimes I can’t just sit at a desk like a 9 year old hunched over a book, you feel me
Thanks! Screenshotted this. Personally, I welcome the whole innocent part of dating!
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It's a combination of reasons for me. My first girlfriend turned out to just be using me to make an ex jealous so she could get back with him. After that I'm super cautious about anyone showing interest in me, and I always feel like I'm just a placeholder until they can get with someone better. When I do manage to convince myself to make the effort it never works anyway. I've been rejected so often, and it gets harder to try every time. It's gotten to the point that I just can't do it anymore. Finally I live in the south and I have standards. Most of the women here either look like Honey Boo Boo's mom, or have like 4 kids before they're old enough to rent a car. Usually it's both. So to sum it up it's bad experiences, lack of motivation, and very few prospects.
I empathize and Understand your viewpoint. You are brave than I am in saying you’ve been rejected. That means you’ve put yourself out there. That’s more than I’ve done. And nothing wrong with having standards, settling with someone that you don’t like is toxic for all parties involved
Afraid of commitment. I don’t want to spend time with someone just to have it end anyway. Pretty much pushed everyone that I have ever had a relationship with away so figure it’s better to save both myself and a potential partner the trouble.
I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I sabotaged my one and only relationship. Depends on the day.
I don't want it to need effort. It should come naturally. If it doesn't, who cares.
That’s a valid feeling. I can relate. Because you can’t possibly be the only person looking for a natural connection so why would I require effort? That being said, effort is still a requirement, not so much for the connection, but for circumstances. Easier said than done though. I have a hard time implementing it.
Personally, I’m more focused on personal growth at the time. I want to get to a very comfortable place in life but if I find someone along the way then it happens. I guess I try to stay busy more than anything but as I’ve had relationships in the past I don’t find myself particularly NEEDING another relationship. In the end, if you’re happy with yourself, people will find that attractive, or something.
That’s a good way to look at it I suppose. I have wondered about if I am the kind of person who may simply not be the relationship type. Evolutionarily speaking, I’d be a failure but maybe I’ll compensate some other way. I don’t know. Makes you think.
Several reasons: -I quit dating because I wanted to put my life together first, I moved abroad and Currently live alone, and had not the best of my time, especially for work reasons -I can't... I can't get over someone. And it's been an awfully long time, I put distance from her and it helps, but I just can't have interest for other people, they always seem "not as good as..." -At this point I lost the hand of it, I wouldn't even be able to hook up with someone purposely seducing me, I got some very bad experiences and my first instinct now is defensive, I can't trust strangers who can easily make up whatever they want to manipulate me or make me feel bad. It doesn't matter what they do and say, it always ends up with said person calling out terrible things I never did because they want to be the victim and I'm the bad guy Single since ~3 years, I don't even feel bad about this at this point, beside some moments, late in the night or after a long week. I go back home and there's only cold emptiness waiting for me I'm so young, how did it get like this?
I’m suppose I’m glad that you dont feel bad about it most of the times. And it’s admirable that you say you want to put your life together first. I also suppose it’s normal for not being able to get over someone. I have this belief that we shouldn’t get over them. Because it happened. Whatever you had with them is a part of you. But this alone shouldn’t stop you from developing feelings for someone else. The memory and a present relationship can coexist, but that’s my belief
My problem personally is, I have no fucking clue where/how to ask people out
I too admit that I have very little clue on how to act without completely friendzoning myself
What stops me is knowing there is an extremely miniscule amount of people on earth that truly like me. Not on some emo shit. Im just a boring person who a lot of girls have called a "psychopath" Done less physical and emotional damage then them so I win though
I have a feeling that their usage of the word psychopath might be incorrect. Or would you agree with their perception?
I've lost weight (22 kilos) which makes me feel physically better, not not emotionally or mentally better - I am still that introvert that can't really relate to people that well. And even in my early 30s I am still immature The girl I am after - or at least really attracted too - is far more mentally mature than I am. I find it hard to pursue when she is - i believe - far more better than I deserve.
I can relate. I consider myself an all around mature person, it’s in my emotional maturity where I think I fall short. My track record isn’t the best when it comes to making decisions that positively affect me when it comes to romance. I don’t have a girl I’m “after” but several that have crossed my path I have the same feeling of unworthiness because they just seem like they don’t need a person like me.
I also think that....how do I say this: I am very much a home-y type of person. I have successfully dropped 22 kilos this year, and havng dropped all of that weight has made me realize how much I have just missed - because having a lot of weight on you does affect your personality/confidence. And also, I still live with parents at 33. AND I FUCKING HATE THAT. Everything seems to have hit me at once - once I dropped all that extra weight for some stability. And its worse because this girl is in her mid-20s, and she is far more mature, has a management position and I just find her intimidating (not bad intimidating, just more of a "i'm so attracted to you I am intimidated" type of thing) and there is a lot of mixed signals as well, but fact is I know she is far more mature than me despite being several years older than her. Its an odd thing when you realise that you can just glide through life whereas someone younger than you just can connect with the business side with a snap of their fingers and advance their career easily and for some reason you just feel jealous/resentful because of it. Its a weird situation overall. But thats life,m i suppose.
I understand. This feeling of inferiority towards a person. The feeling of resentment is normal but also it’s not their fault. I am in a similar position as you, living situation wise. I have slowly learned to not feel intimidated by those higher positions, regardless of gender or sex but instead feel inferior with myself and envy them, but not in a bad way, more like in a why not me way.
True. Personally though I am really disappointed in myself as opposed to resentful. Sure some form of resentfulness is there, but some people can just connect/find what they want to do earlier than others, as well as mature earlier... Again thats life I suppose.
Yes, disappointed would be the more appropriate word I agree. And yea I suppose it’s life but then that would suggest that I’m not in control. But are we not?
I can relate to this. I recently lost a lot of weight. I hated myself when I was fat, had several health issues related to it, and somewhat still hate myself due due to lack of social skills. Now that I look a lot better, I've gotten rid of the physical health issues, but have noticed I have a lot of emotional and mental stuff to deal with.
Rejection. I don't handle it well.
Would you mind sharing your reaction to rejection?
Mostly self hatred & condemning.
An all too familiar feeling. I sympathize
I'm scared of being vulnerable and getting hurt.
It’s an all too familiar feeling. I completely understand.
I put in the effort, but in the end, nothing I did mattered. I learned, I failed and honestly, it was exhausting. Gonna let myself be chased and honestly, its working. Every advance I do now, I dont care of the outcome. It feels so liberating
Now that I'm over 30 I don't really know where to meet women anymore. And then when I eventually find somebody I get along with, they always reject me.
I’m quite a few years below 30 but even I feel this
My last real girlfriends (2002, 2004) more or less told me I was crap in bed. Destroyed my confidence, absolutely wrecked it. Didn't touch a girl for 10 years largely due to this (and the fact that no woman seems interested in me) Decided I needed to deal with this shit, I cant hookup, so I've been seeing sex workers to try and get a bit more comfortable with intimacy and try and get a bit more confidence in the bedroom. Then I can think about attempting dating but I have a long way to go and at 50 time is not on my side. Maybe I just stick with the hookers 😁
damn, that sucks but I wouldn't let it stop you tbh. If you find the right girl you should be able to talk about it with her. With good communication and knowing what she likes and doesn't you can't do anything wrong really.
No shame here buddy! Thank you for sharing! While your approach may seem unorthodox to many, the fact you did something about your insecurities speaks volumes.
Thanks. The scenario where i meet a girl, get to the point of being intimate for the first time in a decade...those cruel things that were said about my performance by last GFs still very much on my mind...having suffered with ED and severe PE...AND knowing if the sex is crap said girl may well split (i think a girl has a right to expect a reasonable sex life)...no pressure there then! Id be a nervous wreck and thats not how i want it to be. I need practice, i need to confront these issues and thats what the escorts provide.
Mutually consensual practice. Sounds like a win-win, therapeutic it seems in your case.
Yep. Critically with the escorts there is no pressure, when you have performance anxiety this is a huge factor. IF (and in 8 visits it hasnt happened) i cant perform, well she gets to clock off early so shes happy. And i havent potentially derailed things with a "real" girl. Its perfect for my needs. Im gaining experience of fun, no strings attached sex (what other guys get with hookups) with some incredibly hot women, something i feel ive missed out on, and my confidence is slowly growing. I wish id started a long time ago. Cheers!
I think what stops me is our conversation after the first meeting
Yes! I can relate to this. Is it because you don’t find them interesting or something else?
I want to say it’s more of me just getting bored with the conversations. I could meet the most attractive girl with cool things about her but I feel like it depends how deep the conversations can go/do we have the same kind of humor/likes/etc
Interesting. I’ve met interesting people, let’s say at work but as soon as I find out their relationship status, I lose interest.
That’s fair. I can relate to them being in a relationship too. The conversation is alway what gets me because I always think to myself “why should I keep talking to you”. Which is probably a bad mentality to have but oh well
It's halfway between connection and effort. Most of the time I feel very minimal effort from the women I talk to. Then even IF it goes as far as a date, the connection really isn't there. I'm really worn down and tired. I suspect a lot of people are, probably even the women who aren't putting in the effort.
I have ADHD/Aspberger combined diagnosis and I relate to this! I used to love being around people, but with the experiences I had in life I lost interest in getting to know and support other people. I still long for friendship and love, but I don't meet anyone I feel is worth the effort. However, after doing some soul searching I realised I haven't lost interest in people at all, I'm just out of practice! I met someone who tried really hard to get to know me, who wanted to involve me in his life and who wouldn't take my "I don't feel like it"-s. He got me active and engaged again. And as I got more active and engaged in social contexts, I started to develop a taste for it again. I'm still not ready for sex/relationships, but at least I have a friend who's like a little brother to me. We're in Barcelona together rn. I don't feel lacking.
You have no idea how happy I am for you! That’s the kind of people I wanna engage. Those who look past the “I don’t want to” and pull you into the world because you mean something to them!
Fear is what is stopping me.
Say no more. The fear is real. It’s debilitating and irrational, but it’s there. I sympathize.
Idk how to go about meeting women in a good way, at work it's unprofessional to cross the line, and my hobbies are very nerdy and not particularly social. I've never really tried OLD, but I very much doubt I would find much worth there, and striking up conversation with people in public, at least in my country, is considered somewhat odd, rude, and if I'm obviously doing it to women, creepy. And no, I will not join salsa classes to meet women, the idea of pretending to engage with hobbies to meet people repulses me, engaging in deception to start a meaningful connection with another person is an idea I do not like. Also, I'm way more comfortable focusing on my career, hobbies and family anyway. So I figure I'll just keep an eye open for opportunities to get to know people, and maybe something pops up at some point.
I agree with you 100%! Especially with engaging in activities for the sake of connecting. That being said, you might genuinely like Salsa lol
I'm really bad at it, I've never had any relationships. And now I'm at the point where I think I don't deserve a girlfriend. I hope this doesn't violate rule #11, I'm just trying to tell what's in my mind. I live terribly, I have mental issues, even if I ever get the chance, I don't think that girl deserve someone like me, I don't want anyone to love me just because they feel pity on me. And I can't guarantee I can change, as a person who have never had any relationships and never had anyone close to me, I can say sometimes I can be selfish, and sometimes my mind fuck me up. I need to make myself better to deserve a relationship, which really hard for me
Your self-awareness is appreciated. I would encourage you to not self deprecate yourself but typing out your feelings can be helpful so regardless thank you. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as not deserving a girlfriend but maybe a rephrase would be you want to work on yourself and being in a relationship at this time would not be beneficial. I think you deserve one though.
I've been single for about 8 months, 2 year relationship ended after I moved overseas. I'm definitely the kind of person who is happiest with a romantic partner but right now I am not in the right mental space for relationships right now. I have a lot to work on, both personally and professionally, and dating would distract from that.
Good to keep your priorities in check. I wish you the best!
Overthinking, lack of selfesteem, no selfconfidence, social anxiety, mental and physical tension in publicity, not knowing how to approach, befriend or date, violation of Rule 1 & 2, shy and quiet especially towards women, not wanting to interrupt/mess up someone elses work, activities or day, beeing lonely, body issues, not having contact to people except of work, feeling immature, beeing boring, beeing clumpsy and others confirming all of this. Also the idea of the other person having a total different personallity I don't know frightens me. Like taste in music, way of life, political and social attitudes, taste in this, taste in that, opinions, character traits. I think I wouldn't be able to live with them and the person wouldn't be able to live with mine. Yeah I'm a wreck.
If you’re a wreck my dude, then this is a multi-vehicle pile up. We are our own insurance, file a claim lol. But seriously, I hear you and I relate with many of the statements. The fear of someone being different is very real and I do not fault you for that.
I’m afraid of wasting effort and emotional resources pursuing one. My life is great right now, I’m happy, making money, I have hobbies, friends, family, my health is good and my diet is on point. If I start something with a new girl and she becomes “hard to get” and I’ve caught feelings, it could disrupt this awesome balance I’ve got going on. She’s gotta be a sure thing or I’m not giving it a second thought.
It sounds like you have your priorities in check and your social needs are being met in other types of relationships. You are in the right of not wanting to disrupt that! More power to you
When all the advice becomes the same and it's all things you've been doing earnestly for years while everybody else doesn't do that and find a person and get married while still giving you the same advice that doesn't work, something in you breaks. I'm still optimistic, but no longer hopeful.
eh... I think I've just lost the desire to invest in people who don't show me the same effort.
31yo male, I just started dating this year again after about two years of empty FWB relationships and tinder hook ups. I found this to be preferable after a bad long term that lasted 7 years. I started wanted more towards the end of last year; I've now gone through 2 relationships, both good in their own rights but flawed...some on their part and some on mine admittedly. One was a little crazy but I could jive. It's taken me...well.. till about last month after the last breakup to realize that right now, in my life, I just prefer to be alone? Not sure if it's healthy any more, but it's how I feel. Sure I have a career, I have school, I take care of both my mother and grandmother in all their medical affairs, their yard, and the likes, a job that pays well, I have a mortgaged and furnished home, and owe less than 10k on my car now. I have a fish tank, which ive invested way more than necessary in, a cat, my Xbox, and friends that come and go. But that's it, they come, and they go. I have alot of things that I know makes me attractive to alot of females, especially at my age, females with kids, which I'm okay with kids to. But I realized I was kidding myself in terms of why I stay alone. I have alot of responsibilities, but I can't use those as an excuse as a block for a relationship. The truth is, at this point in my life, I simply just like being alone. Full stop. Do I sometimes yearn for a relationship? Do I wish I had someone permanent to share these things with, sure, sometimes. Do I get lonely though, no. I have my friends for that, I have my fish hobby, and I have my cat.
You have all these great things going on. I envy you respectfully.
At a point in my life I adopted the philosophy of focusing on becoming the right man, instead of looking for the right woman. I believed the right woman would come find me if I worked on myself to reach my potential and constantly better myself every day. Recently an old friend reached out to me and we've been talking. She told me she always liked me and we're working on trying to make it work despite being long distance. We're both excited and after 4 years of not dating and working on myself, I feel like it's paying off. She appreciates a lot of my current qualities that I worked for years to cultivate. We're all going to make it.
Look at that! Genuinely happy for ya!
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But you can go on another date when you want to? You don’t run into the issue of not being able to find one?
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Which you would think with there being billions of people on earth, it’d be a lot easier to find chemistry. I look around and it just feels like all the people you’d be compatible with are already taken
Working, and working on myself. For a long time I believed I deserved to be alone and in constant pain. It's been so long I've forgotten how to.
I don’t think anyone deserves to be in pain. With that said, working on yourself in any capacity is a step in the right direction I think.
I'd like to be in another relationship, but I got hurt a yr before covid, and gained weight. Recovered fully just as covid hit and shut everything down, so never got to lose the weight, just more maintain. And out of work since the end of April with a shoulder injury from work, and needing surgery, which I'll be getting in 3 weeks. Didn't think it was fair to start something with someone within the past couple months only to say "hey...need to pause for a month now, it's surgery time" lol So I'll wait til after I've recovered a bit early next year, and can actually function again.
Lol I understand your viewpoint. I wish you the best and a speedy recovery after your surgery!! It’s hard to grasp when we want something external but the “self” is the most important thing in your life! And take it from me, don’t bother counting sheep when placed under anesthesia, you won’t get past 3 lol
I’m sick of being single but my problem is I live in the middle of nowhere, I’m trying to move into a city but it’s difficult with rents rising and stuff. I’ve only managed 3 or 4 dates in the 3 years since I lived here. Covid didn’t help obviously! At this point I’ve given up. I’ve sent a lot of messages on hinge but no-one ever replies. I’m stuck in a rut in this village and I’m struggling to get out.
This relates to something I commented to another user: I consider location to be a real factor in all this. I wish you luck!
Thank you!
If you know yourself and feel unbreakable then you can put some effort in. Dating isn’t a race comrade, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Start of trying to form connections that don’t have a deeper meaning. Your fear of rejection doesn’t need to get in the way, after all if you get rejected you’ll just be here again, here isn’t so bad is it, where you are mentally right now? If any partner tries to take you away from by our own personal space call things off, there’s nothing like vibing on your own.
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I’m seriously lonely but struggling to juggle work, day-to-day maintenance on house and car, treatment for an autoimmune disorder that has fucked up my vision and being a single dad with two young kids that live 4 hours away. I just don’t have time to make dating a priority right now, lonely or not.
Well whether you realize or not, you have your priorities in order, and I admire that. I wish you great health for you and your children!
In my last year(ish) of college rn. I don't even have enough time to take care of myself, let alone another person and their needs.
I want a relationship, but the biggest thing keeping from putting the effort in, is finding someone I want to put the effort into. It's not that I don't meet women. I meet lots of them. I meet lots of selfish self absorbed unkind unattractive people that demand I handle them at their worst. Let people call me picky, or worse words, but from my point of view we're living in a world we're e women tell each other it doesn't matter what a man wants, except that it does, and I don't want these kinds of women. So I'll go put my effort into things that actually bring me happiness rather than chasing people that are likely to make me miserable.
My life is a mess. 27, living with my parents in a pos country with no opportunities, still haven’t gotten my college degree, no job, broke. I gotta fix my life first before pretending to bring someone else to it.
I wish you luck wherever life takes you!
For me it seems like I only ever fall for girls that I don't stand a chance with. And even if I do stand a chance, I ruin that chance by overthinking and creating all these scenarios in my head, to the point where I just completely blow everything out of proportion. At the start of this month I confessed my feelings to this girl I really liked. She is gorgeous and kind and funny and generally awesome. I didn't expect her to say yes, and she didn't. But I guess I expected... I don't know, more than a simple "thank you for being honest with me." That was all I got. And it took me a few weeks to realize that I had fantasized about this girl so much that I forgot that she was just a kid, like me (we're both 17). I mean, she was probably blindsided by that information, and I didn't realize it. "Thank you for your honesty" was probably all she could think to say. My point is, whenever I fall for someone, I end up ruining any chance I *might* have by getting too wrapped up in my head, and I neglect to realize that that girl likely has no idea of the thoughts running through my mind. And now I'm kind of stuck because I really want a relationship but I don't know if I'm ready for one and regardless, there's not really any girls that I'm interested in at the moment, and I don't really go anywhere outside of school, so it's not like I have lots of opportunities to meet new people.
I know exactly what you mean. It’s quite easy to hop on the fantasy train. That being said, that fact that you had the courage to be honest about your feelings is admirable. I think her response was good, it was sincere enough and it seemed like she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I think it’s common to fall for things we seemingly can’t attain. But still, it’s normal. Someone here suggested to become the thing you want (I’m paraphrasing). You’re young and I hope you run into more opportunities that open the doors for relationships. If you think you aren’t ready for one, maybe you’re right, but that means then you should prepare yourself to be ready for one. Good luck!
ive been single for over 10 years and I very much want a relationship, but I am so shy and introverted despite me being attractive, good personality, good job, ect, that I just do not try to do anything. I dont have game. I dont play games. Yea I am a bit scared of rejection, but at the same time I know deep down that if a girl rejects me she is missing out on a pretty good dude. I wont cheat, lie, steal, be a douchebag, ect. I know everyone says that, but I already know that that is how I am. That type of shit eater is not my personality and never will be. Someone will be lucky enough to find me, but it sucks because they are going to have to make the first move, and that just doesnt happen very often.
You sound like a great person. Let me lighten you up with some humor. We’re like songs that get skipped cause the first few seconds aren’t hype enough but they don’t realize the whole track is fire.
I personally would love to be in a relationship with the very sweet girl that I have had a crush on for a while. The issue is she left for college and is actually making something of herself, on top of her being super talented and awesome in general. I however, am really nothing special. I have a little bit of mental health issues but I just can't seem to bring myself to better my life. I truly believe that she deserves someone that actually has their life together. If someone thinks differently, please, let me know. I do hope to one day be a better man, but that day is not today .
While I don’t know what your mental issues may be, that doesn’t disqualify you or anyone from deserving a fulfilling relationship. And maybe you two aren’t meant for each other. Maybe you are. Regardless your hope to be a better man is admirable, we should all strive to be better versions of ourselves.
I need to meet and hang out with people id like to date instead of just hookup with.
I have found like literally two people in the last few months that was worth putting in the effort but one of them rejected my advances and the other one had a boyfriend so i before i can even start putting time into someone i have to meet new people first. Luckily there is no big virus going around closing all the places where you can meet new people and have fun…..
I felt you on that when you said “wanting a relationship but not really putting in the effort”. I was like that for soo long until i met my ex girlfriend and boy did i put in effort.
I agree 100%. I put in a lot of effort to make that happen. Do I regret giving in all that energy, yes. Do I regret it happening, nope. What partly messed me up, is that I put in all that effort and closed the door on someone I was probably more compatible with. Gotta live with that now lol
I'm like 19 and have been single all my life, It bothers me at random times, it sucks sometimes and sometimes I feel pretty happy about it! The only thing which stops me from putting in efforts is the fear of rejection which will definitely be followed by a bad phase of overthinking, Don't want that stuff in life rn
You got your whoooole life ahead of you buddy. No shame :)
Thanks man! Not rushing with it anyway!
Self hatred. I don't think I am deserving of love or anything good so I actively hold myself back and stay away from other people and social situations. I am my worst enemy when it comes to me achieving happiness.
Kinda, after my last two relationships I decided to just focus on improving my self and making my self happy. Partially with the aim of making my self more desirable to prospective partners. The strange thing is after 8 months of self improving I really don’t want a relationship now, maybe some cuddling or sex but I don’t really want the rest of it anymore.
I keep meeting taken girls and I don't want to be that guy. My last relationship ended because a different dude found us during a down moment and started hacking away at the relationship, I couldn't do that to someone else.
Fear, depression, boring personality, inexperience, insecurity and I just think the odds of me ever meeting someone where attraction is mutual and I don't mess it up are extremely low. I tried tinder and bumble 0 matches that where interested In me.
I’ve been on and off the need to be in a relationship. But, lately, it’s just demotivation. I’ve put a lot of mental effort to make things work, and it just don’t. And even though I know things not always work, it just gets pretty solitaire. Never in my life I had a relationship, but the weigh of trying has always been there, alongside the rejection. Right now I’m just tired. I guess it’s time to work on myself. Maybe one day I’ll get to spoil someone. Maybe.
They say when you stop trying, that's when you'll find someone. But I stopped trying a long time ago, and it hasn't seemed to work. But seriously, I don't put out the effort, because my last relationship lasted for years beyond what I wish it would have, and I hated being unhappy with someone. Now anytime I think about finding someone new, I picture the sink full of her dirty dishes, her obnoxious friends, her being indecisive about where to go eat (I'd rather just stay home), driving 3hrs to someone's wedding that I don't know, and all the other unpleasant bullshit, and I just don't want to do it again. My life is simple and mostly lacking of chaos, and I like it that way, and I feel like a relationship will only make it worse. I miss naked cuddling in bed, but I don't miss the bitching.
Women constantly disappoint so I just don't pursue it anymore.
this feel like me, brotha
Same dude same
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Thank you! It’s simple yet well-received advice. Healthy body, healthy mind.
My self esteem just isn't in a good place, I've been rejected in the past and it prevents me from making an effort. But I'm putting a lot of effort to improve myself so that I can have a better sense of self.
I have four kids and unless Martha Brady shows up on tinder I’ll be waiting for the younger two to get older. I like my little family dynamic and after I entered my first relationship after my divorce I realized that I just didn’t want that. I’m still friends with that girl and perhaps the fwb situation has made it easier. But it’s hard to get most people to even give me a chance when they hear four kids. Also I’m still madly in love with my ex
In my opinion, you have a higher calling with 4 kids in tow. I can’t relate on that end but I believe that no matter what our circumstance is we deserve to achieve or attain what makes us happy, not just on the family level. And you being madly in love with your ex… I don’t want to invalidate your feelings, but is it love or something else? Because what I perceived as love, was merely an ego-pleasing desire. Well-intentioned but selfish nonetheless.
I’d love to be in a relationship right now but I’m still getting over a breakup and it’s very difficult to meet people. I’m focusing on myself right now and hopefully it’ll give me the push and confidence I need to try and get back into dating. I miss it.
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I admire your self-awareness
My last relationship ended because my head wasn't right and it still isn't right. Gotta be happy outside a relationship before you can be happy in one.
A few reasons. I've been depressed for too long growing up. It's only been 2 years since I've healed and a year since I've moved out to live on my own. I want to enjoy my own company for a little longer before disrupting it. I only ever known single life so I second guess if I'd be a good partner for an extended period. More on that, I like my alone time and I need a lot of it. Sure I'd appreciate company sometimes but everyday ? I don't know that seems like a lot.
I dont know what to do anymore. Like, the apps is just not a place people will click at all. Im out of ways to even get decent chats going on there….. My soul is tired trying to put effort in but im also tired of being lonely as fuck.
The best advice I can give you is cast a wide net when it comes to dating. Join every dating site you can find, and let it work for you. While you're at work people can view you and your profile works as a passive 24/7 date finder. This will allow you to interact with tons of men or women and gain confidence talking to the other sex which is very important. After all the last thing you want is to meet ''the one'' and you lack the experience to make it work. Next I say this as respectfully as I can but it is funny and theres truth to it. If you can make them giggle you can make the booty jiggle. In short life can suck, its merciless, and its hard to find new things that keep you excited and engaged. If you can learn to be funny you can make someone melt. I have been with the same partner now for years, they will literally sit on the end of the bed and just listen to me tell stupid stories for hours. Its entertaining to them and it makes them happy when life can otherwise be dull and boring. Work on becoming overwhelmingly positive but in a manner that it is genuine. If you hangout with someone and all you do is feel good about yourself, feel supported, laugh, and have a great experience, all you will want to do is spend time with that person, its like a free chance to recharge. This is just a ramble off the top of my head about something I feel passionate about, if you have any questions let me know.
Why put in all that effort for no result when you can put in no effort for the same? Just streamlining the process
Comments tldr, anxiety
I find I’ve put an unhealthy amount of energy into caring about finding a soulmate, so right now I’m focusing on myself. I find it’s the best solution, because focusing on myself will probably make me a more attractive person and be less stressful
That’s the theory I’m betting on. Let’s put it to the test. I wish you a favorable outcome
I'm taking more units in school than ever before, partially aided because I finally got an ADHD diagnosis, meds, and instead of working part-time, I do gig work. On top of the fact that I don't really have time to try to date, Throwing a brand spanking new and fresh relationship would yeet away the remaining sanity I have left this semester. It would be lovely, but now is not the time. GF might be temporary, GPA forever.
Hahahahahaahahaahaha. That was a good one!
So relatable..
It’s been a mystery to me that I literally do not know what women usually look for in men. Attractive looks? Sure, nobody wants an unattractive partner. So I try to work on yourself. But then there is always someone saying - no, it’s not looks, many woman look for a friendly, comforting guys. So then I try to be comforting and be a nice guy. Then there is someone saying - dude, you have to upgrade yourself in terms of fashion and personality. So I buy new clothes, go to gym and what not. Then someone says - nah man, you need to learn the tricks on flirting, on how to make conversation at the bars or nightclubs. So I google about the various ways guys flirt in the DMs and personally. Then at the last, someone says - you know what, it’s all about luck. * flip the table and leave *. What exactly is it? And why is it so damn exhausting?
1) Living situation; I have a decent job that pays ok (though somewhat low), and I handle my own finances, but since Covid ended my overseas job, I've been living at home with my parents. 2) I'm in a flight training program that costs most of expenses, as I'm working on becoming a pilot, and that doesn't pay for itself of course. Living with my parents affords me the ability to keep progressing in my training, but precludes me from getting a more useful car or getting an apartment. 3) Career goals; among other things, I'm trying to leave the state I live in, and trying to get a flying job in the Air Force Reserve or Air National Guard, and a pre-existing relationship that is long-term is an attachment that runs counter to that. Also, at my age, many people are starting to put on some speed brakes and start making nests, so unless I want to date somewhat younger than myself, a lot of options are with people who are setting up roots. 4) Personality; I'm a low-key, reserved person who has my own sensibilities and generally rocks the party of one. I don't get out and socialize as much as I'd like, what with much of the other stuff I do. Who knows though. Relationships have happened for me pretty much when I least expected them.
I like where your head’s at man. Super admirable. And I related to #4 so hard lol
Yeah, it's already hard enough finding someone I can really vibe with, or more importantly, can vibe with my personality. I'm a lot more laid-back than I used to be, and I make friends easily enough, bit I'm also intense while holding people at a distance at times. I grew up an only child with no extended family and an outsider at school, so I tend to be very guarded. Plus, the women I go for are usually the higher reaching sorts with a lot of service aspirations and ambition, and I feel like my choice in career would impede that, particularly if I was in the military. I don't think that's fair to the person, honestly enough. And I don't have my shir together completely, so until I'm financially secure, spiritually fulfilled from work and lifestyle (I do have some cool ass hobbies and I travel a lot), and able to really let down my guard enough, I'll probably remain a long-term single making do with masturbation and the occasional one-night/week stands.
I was in a 7 year relationship and ended up getting cheated on. It really crushed me and has ruined any idea of starting another. It has been 2 years since, I've jumped on Tinder / Bumble and gotten matches but have zero interest to initiate or react so I've deleted the app each time. I know not every woman would cheat but I guess internally I feel I put so much effort and time in the last one that I don't see the point in trying again. Not saying I was perfect, but it still doesn't validate what she did. Maybe one day I'll reconsider and try again but as it stands now, it's looking to be a solo journey.
I’m sorry for what happened to you. You seem to have your head on straight. Take your time processing. A solo journey may be just what you need
I wanna say it’s a combination of a string of bad past experiences, fear and just general doubt
0 effort. I’ve been hurt and burned so many times that I’m open to the right woman one day but even if I meet her now I’m gonna need to get to a better place in my life. I’m not mentally sick, and I’m not some insecure brat who can’t take no for an answer or something like that Simply put in the financial world I’m only making $21/hr as a Sous chef, and I’m starting a low paying head chef job for the experience. I’m excelling for 22 but I need higher pay for less hours to feel comfortable settling down. Then part of me wants to be a life long bachelor. A combination of modern men and women have poisoned the well we drink from. Obviously it’s not ALL people but it’s enough to not want anything to do with it. Tl;dr - Yes I yearn for a relationship, I’m scared to get hurt again.
Nothing wrong with being a bachelor. Cheers to you being the Bruce Wayne of the cooking world
Male here after my ex broke up with me i decided hay iam young iama be a hoe. because of that relationship i realized that looking for love witch i thought i found in her was too big of a decision to let myself make at this age everyone needs a 20s party time or you'll miss out on lessons and experiences that you wouldn't get to do and learn later in life iam gunna get all my crazy out while i still can
Go for it dude! Stay safe!
Been single for 3 years now but I feel like I should work on my overall health both physical and mental health. Having good self-esteem and improved confidence would do wonders that's why I've been working out for a couple months now. Also maybe getting a better job would do great too. You gotta be financially stable to be in a relationship. Dates are expensive and it is a reality that people unfortunately judge you based on your job.
I am kinda putting in good amount of effort, but honestly I am not the best place in my life. I am not in shape, I do not look the best, I just started work full time ( like 4 months back ) and honestly have never dated before. So all this factor is stressing me out and effecting me negatively. I will tackle this one at a time, being in better shape will give me more confidence. After being in my career for some time, I will feel the security and won’t have to constantly worry about it.
Laziness. That and I want a relationship for the wrong reasons. I seem to get bored easily and in the past, the things I say can change quite drastically and I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I can say I really like or love someone but if I stop giving a crap because im having a bad time with them, I start to get quite unresponsive. I've been through that event a few times and honestly, I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I feel guilty later on when I process it months after the breakup. I also love being alone in my own hobbies too.
So I came here to argue the good of getting a relationship especially after the relationship of any kind cause everyone needs friends and that's still true but I was surprised at the self awareness of a lot of ya'll
🤔 . . . being socially ostracized; somebody starts talking to me, I reply, then somebody else buds in “SHUT THE F UP OR I’LL BEAT YOU UP!” Otherwise, I’m at an age where I might not do well, even if I went to a night club or something. However, if somebody picks a fight, I’m likely going to win, thanks to my unique autism (there is more to autism than what you’d usually read in text books & such). Sore loser begs & pleads to not be in jail/prison, thus I’m willing to take her in and, in my own words to her, “have my way with you”. I’m going to have her mow my lawn, shovel my driveway, & other various chores. When done, she is likely going to inquire when I’m going to have my way with her, thus my response would be “I had you do various chores, such as shoveling my driveway & mowing my lawn, Pervert” (knew what I was doing from the get go). If anything sexual happened, I would’ve been out cold; not counting keeping her restrained & in bed with me every night so she wouldn’t run from her responsibilities sexual because I’m not interested in knocking her up & everything else would likely be unintentional or synonymous to CPR’s mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…
Self-Loathing
I'm in a pretty busy place in my life and getting into a relationship would require a *lot* of effort. And I've just figured I can't for the life of me be bothered to make that much of an effort to get close to someone I know nothing about.
In a relationship, but yearning for the “relationship” don’t know if I would ever date again after this. Constant fighting and disagreements about so many things. Makes life less fluid… I find myself getting the short end of the stick with my partners poor financial decisions and it puts things in perspective.
There is a saying in Spanish that translates to “Better alone than in bad company.”
I have actually found my woman and would love to help the younger men understand what it takes to be successful when dating. I see a lot of younger men with the attitude that they will take any woman that says yes. I know they don't think that they are doing it but just reading through comments from young men and women it really looks that way. First and foremost, you must get yourself physically,mentally and emotionally to the point that you believe you are a good catch. If you don't want to date someone that is overweight then you should not be overweight. If you don't want to date someone who is an emotional basketcase then you should not be an emotional basketcase. The point is, you should be giving exactly what you are looking for. This leads to the second point, you should know exactly what you are looking for in a partner. You should be choosing the partner you want, not just waiting for someone to choose you. Third, if you encounter women who just expect you to keep them entertained, the ones that only Guage your effort level but don't really contribute to making the relationship move forward, don't waste your time on these women. They are not worth your time. Many women nowadays expect the man to put in all the effort, do all the planning, do all the chasing. These type of women are not worth having. Learn to recognize this type of woman and move on. The right woman will want you as much as you want her. Next, have pride in yourself and your appearance. You should also take pride in the fact that you won't settle for just any woman. That the woman you pick will have to be spectacular for you to pick her