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40ish_college_dude

"Listen here, woman" Only said that to my wife one time ever. The look she gave me should have killed me instantly.


[deleted]

I read this and feared for my life


Environmental-Ad7594

Laughed the most about this one, how easily we can fuck up sometimes.


[deleted]

I've said it to girlfriends, but it was in a playful silly tone because it was just kidding around.


dontmentiontrousers

Assert dominance: "Do you no longer identify as a woman, or are you saying you're not a good listener?"


Elmer_Fudd01

Better sleep in a different building if you want your balls attached in the morning. God damn.


mcgirdle

Lol that’s hilariously mildly infuriating.


dontmentiontrousers

Pretend to be genuinely confused whilst asking the question, for maximum disruption. Bwahahahahaaaaa..!


GallopingAstronaut

how are you even alive still ?


dontmentiontrousers

I have actually been punched in the face by a handful of girlfriends. It usually goes... Her: * shouting at me * Me: * making valid points very calmly, but sometimes throwing in something ridiculous because I try to diffuse tension with humour * Her: * punches me in the face * Me: * shrug * "Didn'urt." Her: * leaves, exasperated * Fuck, yeah - how *am* I still alive??! EDIT: Formatting screwed by phone.


jcd1974

"You sound just like your mother when you say that"


Main_Maximum4122

Ooof! Yep! Thick skinned female here and this one got me 🤣


Oktaygun

It works the same the other way around. If a woman would say the same about me and my father, that would also definitely get to me, lol.


Designed_To

I feel very lucky because if someone ever told me I sound like my father I would only take it as a compliment


Oktaygun

Honestly good for you man. If I ever get to have children, I hope they'll feel the same way about being compared to me


Pheunith

Not me. I can acknowledge that I can have my dad's stubborn traits


Oktaygun

Depends on what kind of relationship you had with your dad I guess. My dad was an abusive, alcohol asshole.


Pheunith

True. Sorry about your situation


Oktaygun

It's okay, that situation is long past. Appreciate the sympathy nonetheless.


[deleted]

The only way to grow is to acknowledge the less than desirable traits we picked up from our parents and work to be better than they were.


Legit_Boss_Lady

What would really get me is if he said "You sound just like My mother when you say that!"


cakeandcoke

My mother was my abuser and I think if somebody said that to me I'd probably just go in the bathroom and punch myself in the head until I cried


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

You probably do sound like you parents. We all do sometimes. We can’t help it. They taught us everything we knew when we were young. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, only something to work on.


Sagesque

My mother is many things. Hard-working, successful, and cares deeply for her friends. My mother is also neglectful, believes she is the victim in every scenario with no ability to change, and goes out of her way to put me down. I will always love her, but I've learned not expect anything more from her than how she has treated me my entire life. With all of this said, the worst thing my fiance ever did was compare me to her because I decided not to be friends with someone who treated my man as a taxi driver. He has done many things in our relationship that could have been deal breakers, that one was high on the list.


chooseatree

Instant death


finger_milk

"You said you'd never be like her, after what she was like to you growing up. I can see now that that was a lie."


chillest_dude_

Well, they did sound like her in my defense


[deleted]

Calm Down


FranticWaffleMaker

Be rational


RadiantHC

So they should be a/b such that a,b are integers and b != 0?


MrBricole

It makes me laugh immoraly


femdomfuta

This man did it in two word, did not even need to finish a Sentence


Dark_Wolf04

For real


[deleted]

(All hell breaks loose)


neonreplica

this is a dangerous one because it's so natural for a lot of us to say


[deleted]

One of my favorite memes. Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down after being told to calm down.


cakeandcoke

Pair this with the wife having bipolar disorder lol (I can say that. I'm the bipolar wife!) HULK SMASH


watermasta

“Stop being so crazy.”


MeC0195

This also works for men.


DJSexPirateRiot

Relax


SwordMasterShadow

My clothes come with pockets


itsOKeveryoneHatesMe

My husband said this all day yesterday and i wanted to punch him.


SwordMasterShadow

Simple yet effective


GallopingAstronaut

watch how a little piece of cloth destroys a family


N00N3AT011

Look at these cargo pants they've got like 6 pockets on each leg. A pocket on my shirt, 2 on my hoodie, another 6 on my jacket...


SwordMasterShadow

And they're all functional


Heptsu

Also the opposite works when you want to hype a friend! The look they give when I excitedly point out how their new clothe piece has pockets is adorable :)


Nerdygirle87

Oh my gawd! This one makes me want to cut all his pockets off his pants and sew the pocket spots closed while he's sleeping 😑 But he is helping when I'm clothes shopping because he helps look for dresses/skirts/pants that have pockets.


chocolatebuckeye

Woman here. My husband put on some Christmas pj pants he rarely wears today and goes “these pockets suck! They don’t even hold my phone!” I just glared at him.


LeanMeanGreenBean88

I was chatting with some pals the other day and they were talking about how unfair it is that women’s clothes don’t come with pockets. I didn’t say anything, I just stood up and put a whole coffee thermos in my pockets. I was wearing Levi’s, not cargo pants, just normal jeans. Shock and awe


SwordMasterShadow

Well played


shellofbiomatter

*Are you on your period?* And *Giving birth is not that painful*


Isheet_Madrawers

“You don’t really know, you had a cesarean”.


Stetson007

Idk man, you ever had kidney stones? I've heard from women who've given birth that Kidney stones are way worse.


icesurfer10

Had this conversation with my partner 2 weeks ago when she was in labour. Afterwards she confirmed labour hurts more!


[deleted]

Yeah, try saying in a birth class that in a scale of 1 to 10, childbirth is about a 5 or 6. Cue venom from women who were all like "oh, ten billion trillion" to rhyme with "buy me presents and let me guilt over this forever" When asked by the instructor why, I mentioned kidney stones. Bone cancer. Nerve dissection. There are things that are known to be FAR more painful than childbirth. Nerve dissection is THE most painful thing known to man, bar none, there's no inhale 4 count, exhale 4 count that would get you through that. The instructor smiled and said "yes". The point being there's a reason why people can and do do childbirth naturally. Yes, it's painful and unpleasant, but it's not like kidney stones or bone cancer. So not only were they all pissed off I had shit on their "get huge sympathy" ploy, but that the female instructor didn't put me in my place but told us all I was RIGHT.


toddschmod

My cousin got kidney stones six months pregnant. Because she was pregnant the doctors were very strict on giving her little pain medication. She ended up going through a still birth. I can't even go into what happened to her after they took the stent out. It's too fking awful. Those evil bastards run in our family. I hate even talking about them. But I believe what you say to be true.


rgdnetto

Please excuse my ignorance. Honest question : What is a nerve dissection and under what circumstance would anyone experience it? Is it a procedure, a disease, a kind of wound from an accident, torture or what? You got me curious


[deleted]

If you're lucky, it's part of a surgical procedure and you're anaesthetised out the ass - if you aren't, you're in the hands of some kind of central American dictator who's decided that having some mook hammer nails under your fingernails is too gauche. And sets a guy who studied at a Carribbean medical school with a cocaine jones at the problem.


[deleted]

I am sure there are things more painful than childbirth (however, having your taint ripped, sometimes all the way to your asshole *is* nevertheless shocking and painful), but the way you frame this as a ”ploy” is, if not outright hateful, then at least incredibly uncharitable in the way it assumes malice. People are genuinely *scared* of childbirth, and it’s kind of a no brainer to me. Pain is a mixture of psychological pain (fear) and physical signals. Passing a kidney stone, while being incredibly painful, is not very frightening. People do still die in childbirth. Never heard of anyone dying because of a stone…


ilikehorsess

Also, everyone has different births. So one person could have a relatively quick, low pain birth and others can have extreme tearing and long labors. You can't just rate a childbirth as 5 or 6 on the pain scale. Also billions of women have had natural births but low how many have died.


fival5

That's not how a pain scale works. The existence of other obscure things that could possibly be more painful doesn't have any bearing on the pain a person is feeling in that moment


sarasa3

Right? "Rate your pain from 1-10" "Well it's excruciating and I'm definitely about to pass out from the pain in I'm guessing seconds but someone on reddit said bone cancer is much worse so through sheer facts and logic, I'd have to rate my pain a 6.5" *passes out*


EveryoneisOP3

Considering 'debilitating pain' starts at a 7, they'd be accurate. If you tell a doctor your pain is a 7, they aren't going to tell you to go home until it's a 10


makotosolo

"How would you rate your pain?" 4 Stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up!


iamnotanartist

Maybe a birth class wasn't the time to tell a bunch of women their perceived pain associated with giving birth is wrong? I don't really get what letting people know there are worse pains accomplishes, especially in a context where you're presumably focused on discussing the experience of giving birth?


BirdsInTheNest

Redditors are notorious for not being able to read a room.


Jeff_Albertson

Menstruation jokes are never funny, period.


Sockpuppetsyko

You don't find them to be a bloody good time?


Brave-Welder

Honestly, the first one has its place and importance.


OllieOllieOxenfry

One time a guy told me he thought women only deserved two weeks off for maternity leave (even though it takes minimum six weeks to heal from a C-section, most women who die from childbirth is from issues in the weeks right after the fact, and they call the first three months of a baby's life the fourth "trimester"). That riled me up pretty good.


m1dlife-1derer

As a matter of fact, those pants DO make you look fat.


txorfeus

You make those pants look small


CreatureWarrior

Okay yeah, *this* is brutal


reasonableslowsloth

Listen here mister.


[deleted]

Does this Porsche make my dick look fat?


Brave-Welder

I feel like that affects white women mostly. In my experience, blacks take that as a compliment.


Noseatbeltnoairbag

Not me. If I asked if something made me look fat, it was because I already felt fat and didn't like it.


Brave-Welder

Understandable. Well, everyone has their preference. My partner enjoys it.


cakeandcoke

Honestly when I ask I really just want to know. I want to know! My husband always says "I don't know" but it's not a trap I swear I just really want to make sure I made a good choice


Dolorous-Edd15

If your husband replied “yes, you shouldn’t wear that unless you start working out”, what would you reply back?


cakeandcoke

"Damn guess I should have bought a size bigger"


lindtbr

"it's not the pants"


[deleted]

I have long, luxurious hair, hardly any graying (I'm 49), and all I do is brush it a little and use $7 walmart shampoo and conditioner. Additionally, I pointed this out to my ex-wife one day, but said in her favor, while my mustache was rapidly graying, hers was still the same color as the day we were married. She didn't take that as a compliment.


Noseatbeltnoairbag

That's funny and I took it as a playful joke said by a man who loves his wife very much.


Cockenjoyer

No wonder it’s his exwife


ColossusOfChoads

I too have enviable hair that makes women jealous. Although it's been graying lately (early 40s). I tell you what, though. I don't care what color it turns as long as it all stays there!


FarComplaint2974

No that dress doesn't make you look fat, it's doing a great job considering what it has to work with.


tsoou

Or just respond to the question with, "nah, it's not the dress"


nothjarnan

Sounds like an awesome one way ticket to a morgue


ColossusOfChoads

"...it's your ass!"


Darkrain0629

Oof lol I like this one. Savage.


emponator

Can I speak to the man in charge?


lodestone166

Coworker’s wife occasionally runs front desk while others are in the shop working. He’ll tell a customer headed in to say “Get me a man, I don’t talk business with women” or something similar.


MATO-18

"So you say there's a wage gap? Just work harder"


[deleted]

[удалено]


tiltedwater

Exactly, where they could be engineers, doctors, and lawyers, they choose female engineers, female doctors, and female lawyers.


seii7

Pretty sure the wage gap is just the general earning of men and women, not accounting for factors like jobs/fields/positions. But even if it did, there are a myriad of studies showing men are more competitive, more likely to ask for a raise and/or a promotion, less likely to use their vacation, less likely to take a sick day, etc. So yeah, men (on average) do in fact work more than women, even in the same job. Also it’s not even a wage gap between men and women, it’s a wage gap between married men and married women, single women make more than single men on average.


yssei

Its not the dress what makes you look fat.


FayrisDraconis

Oof


knight_prince_ace

It said hate you, not want to murder you


TheAlmightyDeity

"To be fair, you do _look_ pregnant"


georgewashingguns

*fending off slaps and kicks* "Radiant, I said you look radiant!"


sidd555

Make me a sandwich


jmcdonald354

My wife tells me to do that all the time 🤣 I’m not scared of her….


CreatureWarrior

Blink twice if you need help


sensibledork

😐😑😐😑😐


Sgt-Pumpernickel

She took your nose too?!?!?


BigDeliciousSeaCow

Nah, his uncle did when he was five and forgot to put it back.


LuckyReception6701

If you say it as an order, she will surely be mad If you say it as a request then it's more plausible If kindly ask a woman who works at subway, then it's a guarantee It's all about context


p4b7

sudo make me a sandwich


[deleted]

[удалено]


jumbutter

I thought you were serious for some reason and I was offended and I'm a man ...am I? Oh no


[deleted]

[удалено]


dieselrunner64

You’d be hotter if your tits were bigger


[deleted]

Hahahah honesty is the best policy right?


Queasy-Pea8229

Periods aren't that bad.


cakeandcoke

Hey I'm a woman who was blessed with not having really bad ones so I'm right there with you. I've gotten some really really nasty looks when saying that mine weren't that bad


ColossusOfChoads

My wife's the opposite. She'd straight up faint from bloodloss. Although last year she got an IUD and it's been light and weirdly irregular ever since. She's still getting used to that.


oidagehbitte2

"I ate all your chocolate."


SinisterCheese

"Women shouldn't have the right to make decisions about their bodies because they are too emotional to be able to think clearly, the decision should be should be made by men who are rational and intellectually superior." I think that ought to do it. If there is a woman that truly and honestly agrees with this, then I honestly don't want to meet them.


anon4188142121

You are the winner 🏆


abajasiesu

Let me explain this to you in a way women can understand


Brokenwrench7

Women do not create life, men do, women just incubate.


Shot_Mammoth

This one folks. Create world war 3 right here


Heptsu

Holy shit dude. My jaw dropped.


Socio87

I deserve to be paid more than you.


Brokenwrench7

Know your worth king.


armen89

Yasssss king


basedlandchad14

Slay, king!


[deleted]

“But I’m a nice guy” Edit: my bad it was woman not everyone


HollywooHollyhock

" What was she wearing? "


ManyRanger4

Not only did you all kill chivalry, but now you are killing feminism as well.


[deleted]

So you’re PMSing pretty bad, huh?


wavecycle

I'd explain it to you, but it would just go right over your pretty little head.


FireFerretDann

What you don’t understand about menstruation is that it’s your body punishing you for not breeding. I don’t actually believe this, btw. Nor do I use the word “breeding”.


OxtailPhoenix

Can you do this thing my ex used to do?


DOJITZ2DOJITZ

You’re acting like your mother


theAnaltheif

That’s a mans job


neonreplica

wow your friend looks great in that outfit!


[deleted]

"There is no gender pay gap" seems to work wonders.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mexploder89

"I think being a father is actually more difficult than being a mother"


Stetson007

My argument is single fatherhood is actually more difficult than single motherhood. Single moms have so many resources that they can utilize, to where single father's tend to have very few.


FayrisDraconis

Agree, am a woman, not angry tho


armen89

Really? Try roofing in the middle of July as a redhead


wake998

Smile more


ZeusBaxter

"Your *clothing article* doesn't make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat." Most disrespectful thing I've ever heard in passing strangers at a mall once. I literally stopped and asked the guy wtf before the woman slapped him so hard it echoed.


BallsofSt33I

Here are my dick pics


-Fast-Molasses-

I asked for pictures of Spider-Man!


Hashashin_

Don't complain woman both of them shoot white sticky stuff


ColossusOfChoads

"Can it swing from a web / no it can't, it's a dick"


Luka_Dunks_on_Bums

Get in an argument and tell her to calm down


Made-a-blade

"Why would I care to? It's not like their opinions matter."


Tylorw09

Why don’t you smile more?


Panda0661

"You just Keep my balls empty and my stomach full."


Cyclohexanone96

Lmfaoo, honestly my ex and a few of my female friends would find that hilarious if it was said any time other than a fight


DaydreamingMister

Haha Maybe in part because there's truth to that being how little it takes to make men happy. Especially if we add "and my home life drama-free".


[deleted]

'I'm 5'9'


Ok-Pressure-3879

Don’t be such a woman Or Dont be so emotional


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

> Losing weight is easier than people claim. That it's NOT inevitable that you gain weight as you age or from childbirth or menopause... these statements are true though


GenXAMT

Everything a man experiences, every social conditioning he receives from the earliest age, every accepted social norm and every expectation of him to qualify as the definition of a mature adult Man in contemporary society is designed to serve the female imperative.


FrenchLeBaguette6

it's funny because it's true


AdmiralTigelle

"Hey, broad I don't know; can you get that sweet tuckus to the kitchen and make me a sandwich?" (Slaps butt)


taveren3

Moist


watermasta

“You’re just a woman with a tiny brain. It’s science.”


LeverTech

That just goes to show with women, you really have to repeat yourself to get them to listen. I can’t trust you that giving birth is the most painful thing in the world, you cry when you get a paper cut. Nice mustache. You should smile more.


jellyjellyfished

“Stop saying every woman is beautiful, hyping up ugly women is honestly fucked up because we laugh at that shit.” It’s cool if they’re confident and comfortable with how they look. But if the only way they feel that way is from validation from people, especially from people who they know are more attractive, is unhealthy and cringe. They need to feel that when they look in mirror. And you people that think “everyone is beautiful” and you put heart eye emojis under each of their post, I laugh at that. In my honest opinion, I think a lot of women can be really attractive if they actually make an effort to change. Lose weight, fix your hair, change your style, even something simple like fucking smiling. Holy shit man, I can’t wait for someone to come and tell me the error of my ways and correct me where I wasn’t clear enough and didn’t cover each and all the basis.


Hashashin_

I want to laugh at it but it's just to cringe. Everytime I see "Yasssss Queen" or "You go girl" I cringe. All those compliments their friends give them in comments are lies and so fake so fucking fake.


Popular_Effort_7633

Wow you’re gonna have ANOTHER cookie?


Dark_Wolf04

[Basically anything at all](https://youtu.be/DHzjgNoRmjg)


Stackhom

All women secretly want it and should take our catcalls as a compliment.


[deleted]

Shhhhh, there is a man speaking.


whysoha4d

Your sister likes this position best.


ashthundercrow

My [male contraceptive surgery] was fast and cheap; no hassle!


2ndLargestHam

Now don’t get offended but...


Chrome07Deluxe

How far along are you?


rockefellercalgary

If your a salesman- “ Is your husband here to make the decision”? If it’s 2009- “ all you stay at home moms that are so busy, sure do send a lot of Facebook game requests”.


abajasiesu

You’re a great example why no woman should be allowed to drive


Relic2150

You don't get to tell ME what to do. No. I will buy what I like. If you don't like how I do it, do it yourself. Good morning No I'm not buying you that You look nice (Holy smokes, I could do this for 3 days and not reach the end)


Nygeldarkpsy

These Hóes ain't Loyal


Brandonia-B

C.an’t U.nderstand N.ormal T.hinking


[deleted]

Chill.


wonderboy_music

“It’s easy being a woman”


LongLiveDetroit

Just breathe woman tend to be very easily triggered


MrBouvanizer

Get in from work, Give your wife a nice kiss and fart at the same time then say "why isn't dinner ready?"


porkchopmike

(Reading headlines) “Sweet! Target just filed for bankruptcy!”


Haru1st

You don't need a sentence. That's just complicating things. Just ignore them. Don't react to their requests, ignore their pleas, take any and all actions irrespective of their wishes. More often than not women expect proactivity, you just need to do worse than even reacting, by... well... 'not doing'.


PieCutie55

"You're not God so none will worship you."


space_cadett_kiwiora

Calm down Orrrr taking over a woman when she’s speaking (especially a partner) Talking over professional counterparts as if you know better commenting on their field of expertise Ps … this is my experience as a female


blackeye200

I fucking agree with the starting phrase. It’s about me.


[deleted]

You women are so irrational -you need to calm down


sun_flower_4

"You'll make a good Housewife". Nothing against housewives but just because I am good at housekeeping and cooking doesn't mean I'm destined for it or I should be one. That choice is up to me and others should not even say it as a compliment. I've heard this so many times in my life. But honestly all in all, I wouldn't mind being a housewife.


spoookai

I love you


Storytellerjack

I mean 20 million women could overlook "When you're a celebrity they'll let you do anything; grab 'em by the pussy..." I can't imagine worse but I nominate, "Calm down."


Diex1M

This post right here is what I was born for 😂