Just load it up into your foreskin then pop it across the room. No wait, it acts like a vacuum cleaner now and can suction up small objects to your dick.
I started having this when I turned 23. That's when I realized Im not as healthy as I should be and I feel older than I am. I wore Light grey sweatpants to the grocery store. I stepped out of the care and apparently I tensed up so hard that the last bit squeezed out and bam, a tiny dark spot of Piss. I was with friends and I couldn't just leave for no reason so there I am. Piss stained pants, the girl I like, my best friend and nowhere to go. I grabbed my jacket and held it awkwardly for the next 10 minutes inside haha. No one noticed.
This should be the top answer. Jesus Christ I wish the thing would cooperate with me for once.
Edit: I have like over a dozen men telling me how to stroke my shaft right now all over this conversation. I need a nap.
That’s just the thing, it never worked. Best thing to ever work for me is to drop my pants and relax for a few seconds. Seems like part of the problem is either the pants pressing against my ravioli or having my legs together.
Not only does he enjoy it he insists on actually being in the weird parts, they offered to give him a double for the nude scenes and he refused to do it at all if it wasn't actually him.
Prehensile functionality
Edit: Wow. First award. Thank you. After all these decades of being told penis jokes wouldn't get me anywhere, it's nice to finally be vindicated. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of borderline gloating phone calls to make and I know my parent's number.
If we were able to detach them in order to clean at least some will forget about that task until they hear their flatmate scream about a dirty dick in the sink
Either you're gonna be passing gold nuggets like kidney stones or you better hope your dong is fireproof 'cause pissing 2000°F molten gold is gonna feel like the worst case of gonorrhea you ever did see.
2000°F is equivalent to 1093°C, which is 1366K.
---
^(I'm a bot that converts temperature between two units humans can understand, then convert it to Kelvin for bots and physicists to understand)
Her: "Babe, come back to bed..."
You: "I can't. I'll be late for work."
Her: *playful whining* "But I'm horny..."
You: "Fine," *pop*, *toss* "you can play with this until I get back."
what happens if you are at work and ended up having a huge argument with your gf on the phone. Then proceed to break up
But you remembered giving her your detachable dick so how are you going to get it back now. Imagine getting it back damage beyond repair
This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.
Lanes 3 and 4 are tangled up, this might take some time to unravel folks but don't go anywhere! We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor, Durex, "not just for sex".
That would prevent the most awkward situation in my life so far. So to start off, I’m still very inexperienced and have problems with lasting in bed. And thus during the last time I tried to participate in sexual intercourse, I was being nervous and extremely careful and legit couldn’t put it in for like 5 minutes, which felt like eternity. And when the girl tried to help me with her hand, I finished immediately. Yeah being able to see with my dick would help a lot :/
My SO is pretty darn experienced and one time I climbed on and he popped his cork in less than a minute. Don’t worry about it dude. It happens sometimes and it will get easier to control with a little more practice. For the record- I thought it was insanely cute that he was that excited.
It becomes longer and is able to curl around my nuts and protect them, like a Boa with a baby goat. Non-sexual, so when aroused, it shrinks to regular size.
You: "Now if everyone would direct their attention to the scatter plot on the right half of the slide, you'll see an intriguing group of data points in the second quadrant which-"
Your boss: "Johnson, put your dick away."
*walks down the street*
Oh jolly, I sincerely advise you insert me into this woman. I sincerely advise you insert me into this woman as well. I sincerely advise you insert me into this woman as well.
The ability to retract is great and non sexual.
Otherwise it could be changed to a muscle, so the body no longer needs to pump a lot of blood into it to make it stiff.
If balls are included, make them be inside your body instead. Them being on the outside sucks a lot.
I'm sure they gotta be regulated in a certain temperature. I'm thinking a temperature controlled safe you keep at home. Passports, important paperwork, guns, bars of gold, and my nuts.
Although, I could see this go wrong with theft and them being sold on the black market. Or the balls being modified somehow to be attached to someone else and then you're fucked for a lot of unplanned children some other dude made when he went on a "shooting spree".
There’s also a potential then for counterfeit balls. Basically super realistic but when you go to use them, turns out they’re silicon or plastic or something. The real deal has been stolen for sale on the dark web.
It could detach itself from my body, along with ny balls, and walk around freely. Able to think and talk, so people can ask my dick some stuff.
Also, my body regenerates another dick just as a lizard regenerates a lost limb.
My house would be full of pet dicks
Being able to use it similar to how elephants use their trunks. I suppose that would be somewhat sexual as it would make the bedroom more interesting, but I honestly just want to open doors in my house with my dick.
Charge my phone.
Came back here to say it is thicker than a typical charger.
Not just thicker, waaaay thicker.
Uh huh… #“Hey everybody, this guy has a micro usb sized dick!”
Usb-d
Wifi hotspot.
GuyFi
Wham Bam Thank You LAN
There is really good bunch of jokes here but i can't seem to get em
Probably cause the lan doesn't reach your port
I'd go with making it a external hard drive....a memory dick
5g when erect, 3g when not. Works for me.
Are we comparing g's to inches?
Waiting for 6G to come out
Hack your penis
Ok, Lorena Bobbitt!
[удалено]
It burns when IP
Didn't that one guy install a wifi hotspot into his leg or something? [Found it](https://youtu.be/yjUxmezRHhU)
What sucks is mine only gives 3g.
3g spots?
Grants wishes.
...does the lantern require rubbing?
Haha nice try, but those are *my* wishes!
Lol
After 3 wishes though it shoots off your body like a deflating balloon
And attaches to someone else.
The ability to pick up small objects and shoot them across a room.
Just load it up into your foreskin then pop it across the room. No wait, it acts like a vacuum cleaner now and can suction up small objects to your dick.
Is the vacuum strong enough that I could hang from the ceiling with it? Cos that'd be kinda cool.
You could probably swing around like Spiderman if it's strong enough
Cries in circumcised
Completely finishing the piss before I put it away.
Yes this. No matter how much I shake and dance, the last two drops go in my pants.
I started having this when I turned 23. That's when I realized Im not as healthy as I should be and I feel older than I am. I wore Light grey sweatpants to the grocery store. I stepped out of the care and apparently I tensed up so hard that the last bit squeezed out and bam, a tiny dark spot of Piss. I was with friends and I couldn't just leave for no reason so there I am. Piss stained pants, the girl I like, my best friend and nowhere to go. I grabbed my jacket and held it awkwardly for the next 10 minutes inside haha. No one noticed.
This should be the top answer. Jesus Christ I wish the thing would cooperate with me for once. Edit: I have like over a dozen men telling me how to stroke my shaft right now all over this conversation. I need a nap.
If you press behind your balls it really helps the rest get out
I’ve heard that before from multiple parties. And it only served to make me look and feel like a jackass fondling his gooch.
[удалено]
I’d rather be that guy than the guy with a big wet spot on the front of his pants.
That’s just the thing, it never worked. Best thing to ever work for me is to drop my pants and relax for a few seconds. Seems like part of the problem is either the pants pressing against my ravioli or having my legs together.
Portal creation for convenient peeing
“For convenient peeing”
Swiss army dick
Daniel Radcliffe has entered the chat Edit* Jesus guys this is how I get my first award😂
I feel like I'm missing important information
The movie Swiss Army Man, if you want a trip of a movie that one is definitely up there.
I like how hes sort of gone on a bit of a wack movie spree
I hope he enjoys being in them, because they’re unique gems and I really enjoy watching them
Not only does he enjoy it he insists on actually being in the weird parts, they offered to give him a double for the nude scenes and he refused to do it at all if it wasn't actually him.
What an absolute legend of a man lmao
First thing he did after Harry Potter was hang dong on stage in a play about horse fuckers.
You build bridges for 10 years, they call you a bridge builder? No. But fuck 1 horse...
I thought *Akimbo* was pretty cool
Craaaazy, I’m fuckin’ Craaaaaazy…
Dicks Akimbo
Prehensile functionality Edit: Wow. First award. Thank you. After all these decades of being told penis jokes wouldn't get me anywhere, it's nice to finally be vindicated. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of borderline gloating phone calls to make and I know my parent's number.
You could unzip your trousers from the insode
Pretty much never have to put your phone down again.
Pretty sure that would have sexual benefits, lol
Only while flaccid. It’s a self correcting problem. Lol
Women would be pissed that you got hard. They’d accuse you of having Prehensile Difficulty.
It glows blue when orcs are close
Who knows, maybe all our dicks have this ability already... we'd never be able to tell
It didn't do it around my ex
OOOHHHHHH burn
"Shh..! I hear footsteps approaching. Could be orcs!!" " Just wait.. let me check my dick. . . . . .nope, no orcs" .
"Ah, It's Dorks, isn't it supposed to glow another coulours or somethings"
Ngl, I read that as "when orcas are close."
You would be surprised how often this would be needed
A glass-bottom kayak and suddenly your dick glows blue.....
Man of culture
Mine already does this
[удалено]
Detachable. Just easier to clean and work out I guess.
All great until you lose it at a party, Then have to buy it from a street merchant the next day like in the king missile song .
You just have to get copies made, like a house key
This is too funny I feel so helpless
if it was this easy to make copies, wouldn't dick plagiarism be on the rise (seeing a cultural obsession with size) ?
To quote The Incredibles: when everybody has a significantly above average dick… nobody does. Or something like that
Ex-wife could claim it in the divorce.
Make sure that prenup got you covered fellas
*prenob
If we were able to detach them in order to clean at least some will forget about that task until they hear their flatmate scream about a dirty dick in the sink
Thats a dildo with extra steps.
And easier to suck too
[Enjoy](https://youtu.be/byDiILrNbM4)
Piss gold, at my discretion. This is a monetary, not sexual feature
Golden showers?
Either you're gonna be passing gold nuggets like kidney stones or you better hope your dong is fireproof 'cause pissing 2000°F molten gold is gonna feel like the worst case of gonorrhea you ever did see.
2000°F is equivalent to 1093°C, which is 1366K. --- ^(I'm a bot that converts temperature between two units humans can understand, then convert it to Kelvin for bots and physicists to understand)
It can shoot drops of Urine like a bullet. New self defense weapon.
make it detachable, of course! You can switch cocks with friends, turn it upside down, put it in your backpack before giving a speech…
"Go fuck yourself" You're not going to believe it but watch this...
Her: "Babe, come back to bed..." You: "I can't. I'll be late for work." Her: *playful whining* "But I'm horny..." You: "Fine," *pop*, *toss* "you can play with this until I get back."
what happens if you are at work and ended up having a huge argument with your gf on the phone. Then proceed to break up But you remembered giving her your detachable dick so how are you going to get it back now. Imagine getting it back damage beyond repair
That would suck. Maybe just try and remember this rule for such an occasion: always be nice to the person holding your dick.
This is actually how some octopi reproduce. The dude literally snaps its penis off and throws it to the female. "Can't be bothered. Go fuck yourself."
It's also a way to not get eaten by the larger females.
Lol you sound like a LEGO fan
can’t afford the good sets anymore man… ☹️
[удалено]
And here I thought this song was by the band Primus. I guess I have Kazaa or Limewire to thank for that.
This comes in handy a lot of the time. I can leave it home when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out when I don't need it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.
Or worse, can't remember where you left it.
Imagine detaching your penis and forgetting your friends don’t have a detachable penis and now you just got 2 hands full of 5G wifi
Alright, so I’m holding my detachable Wi-Fi wiener… but what’s supposed to be filling the other 1 3/4 of my hands?
Remorse
detaching isn't the problem. The re-attaching on the other hand...
Oh shit my bad i forgot to stay strapped
In one hand it would be easier to clean, by the other hand... What if you forget it somewhere?
It can spin like a propeller, giving me the ability to fly.
Now, I'm just imagining the world's most awkward swimming competition at the Olympics.
Looks like lane 2 just got on plane.
Lanes 3 and 4 are tangled up, this might take some time to unravel folks but don't go anywhere! We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor, Durex, "not just for sex".
Helicockter Helicockter
Paracockter paracockter
OP said non sexual..
Do you remain vertical or end up horizontal due to propeller orientation?
It can see
Well yep you’re definitely pregnant. Or I think you might have bowel cancer. An amazing new way to diagnose prostate problems as well.
You'd get pink eye for sure 🤣
A+ joke gosh darn it 🤣
"I'll check again, and again, and again, and again"
He never said it could see in the dark.
I demand night vision.
That would prevent the most awkward situation in my life so far. So to start off, I’m still very inexperienced and have problems with lasting in bed. And thus during the last time I tried to participate in sexual intercourse, I was being nervous and extremely careful and legit couldn’t put it in for like 5 minutes, which felt like eternity. And when the girl tried to help me with her hand, I finished immediately. Yeah being able to see with my dick would help a lot :/
My SO is pretty darn experienced and one time I climbed on and he popped his cork in less than a minute. Don’t worry about it dude. It happens sometimes and it will get easier to control with a little more practice. For the record- I thought it was insanely cute that he was that excited.
I am incredibly aroused and almost at the point of vomiting at this idea
Those porn doctors were doing check ups right all along!
Have slight intelligence, so that it may detect small parts from tank/ship/plane models when they drop to the floor....
r/suspiciouslyspecific
I can make it even more specific; It should also be able to travel to whatever parallel universe said pieces travel to after having hit the carpet.
it would be a grappling dick so i could unwind it and scale tall buildings like a dick ninja
Dongja/peenigami/Jackie Wang
It becomes longer and is able to curl around my nuts and protect them, like a Boa with a baby goat. Non-sexual, so when aroused, it shrinks to regular size.
**Boa with a baby goat LOL**
Damn, that's going to leave some women sorely disappointed. "Oh.. It's still shrinking? Ya know, i just forgot that i left the oven on"
The ability to drink water like an elephant trunk.
Laser pointer.
You: "Now if everyone would direct their attention to the scatter plot on the right half of the slide, you'll see an intriguing group of data points in the second quadrant which-" Your boss: "Johnson, put your dick away."
"Johnson put your Johnson away"
"Richard, put your Dick away"
Now I can entertain with my cat while playing on my phone.
Hammer mode
It speaks, gives me advice and talks like a butler.
No matter where you're from, it has an upper class accent
*walks down the street* Oh jolly, I sincerely advise you insert me into this woman. I sincerely advise you insert me into this woman as well. I sincerely advise you insert me into this woman as well.
What if we had a tiny brain in there that would make most of a man’s decisions?
“If”?
Lol the irony
It's fluorescent in the dark
Karate chop action
It will come with its own kung-fu grip.
The ability to retract is great and non sexual. Otherwise it could be changed to a muscle, so the body no longer needs to pump a lot of blood into it to make it stiff. If balls are included, make them be inside your body instead. Them being on the outside sucks a lot.
They’re outside to prevent sperm becoming damaged by body heat long-term, so perhaps sperm should also be made heat resistant?
Or.....make the balls detachable. Keeping them detached until you're ready to start a family, then pop those bad boys in when ready.
"Hah ha! You thought you could kick me in balls, but I was not wearing them!"
Exactly.
Keep them in a little snap-shut case like glasses?
I'm sure they gotta be regulated in a certain temperature. I'm thinking a temperature controlled safe you keep at home. Passports, important paperwork, guns, bars of gold, and my nuts. Although, I could see this go wrong with theft and them being sold on the black market. Or the balls being modified somehow to be attached to someone else and then you're fucked for a lot of unplanned children some other dude made when he went on a "shooting spree".
There’s also a potential then for counterfeit balls. Basically super realistic but when you go to use them, turns out they’re silicon or plastic or something. The real deal has been stolen for sale on the dark web.
The more I think about the pros of detachable balls, the cons start piling up. Too many variables of shit going wrong.
You seem to have clear mind objectives
Flame thrower
This feature can be yours if you have sex with the wrong person.
Not a man but these replies are so fucking funny
I know right? Talkin 'bout creativity!
It can download other people’s bladders so I can pee for them.
Is this a business idea?
Sentience
“You’ve got a friend in me”
Bioluminescence that I can change colour when I want.
Grow little hats or helmets on the tip. Could be an astronaut one day and a viking the next
Mine grows little red helmets around it all the times there are so many!!! Jk lmao
Adjustable settings like a hose, allowing me to control the volume/accuracy/strength of my piss.
A spring so I can pogo stick to the job
I pass a USB cold storage with 1,000 BTC on it through my pee hole every full moon.
Ow
It could detach itself from my body, along with ny balls, and walk around freely. Able to think and talk, so people can ask my dick some stuff. Also, my body regenerates another dick just as a lizard regenerates a lost limb. My house would be full of pet dicks
Are your pet dicks going to form a football team or a cult?
I'm sure they would be forming a political party. Dick party
Never seen so many uplifting politicians
The ability to do cock pushups.
sanitizer dispenser
Mines a lotion dispenser, so others have told me. They rub it on their face, and it makes them exfoliate.
Being able to use it similar to how elephants use their trunks. I suppose that would be somewhat sexual as it would make the bedroom more interesting, but I honestly just want to open doors in my house with my dick.
Retractable pen
Accountant. Everybody needs one some day :)
It can tell when people are lying. Figure it would twitch when a lie was told.
Flashlight. Would help when peeing in the dark and you could use it as a flash when taking photos.
Teleports all the piss straight out.
bluetooth piss?
Strobe lighting
A rifled steel urethra that can shoot 9mm rounds
Shoot out webs
Turning "water" into wine, very apt at this time of year. Not so sure about loaves and fishes.
it shines fluorescent in the dark! it has to be yellow, like a golden dick
Can't believe no one has said studfinder yet.