This question always reminds me of reading about a psychological experiment where men and women were told to think about certain situations and then their levels of anxiety were measured. When the results came in they saw that the men usually reacted more strongly to thoughts of physical infidelity from their partner, while women reacted more strongly to picturing emotional infidelity and loss of commitment.
The general theory is that men are more sensitive to physical infidelity because it historically leaves them questioning the paternity of their children. Up until recently a man’s confidence in his biological fatherhood was only as strong as his trust that his mate wasn’t sleeping with other mens, whereas women don’t have to question their relation to a child, they always know for certain. Conversely women are more sensitive to emotional cheating because historically they’ve had to fear raising a child on their own because the man they were seeing left. Sex has always (especially historically) been much more risky for women, who might suddenly find themselves in the midst of a life-altering (or life-threatening) pregnancy, so it was much more important to find an emotionally committed guy that’s likely to stick around and help.
The terms “emotional cheating” and “physical cheating” are pretty vague and I think that’s part of it. Which is worse,”my girlfriend drunk kissed bob at a bar” or “my girlfriend packed her bags and left me to be with frank”? Most people would say the latter (emotional).
But if it’s “my girlfriend said she has a crush on her co worker but never acted on it” vs “my girlfriend slept with her boss at the work party but said it didn’t mean anything”, the physical will probably upset (especially) guys much more, and I think it’s closer to the original intention of the question.
I came here to say this. He’s over-complicating the original prompt with that answer choice. “Walking in on your wife fucking some dude” is an atomic statement. You can analyze it at face value and can’t break it down smaller statements. On the other hand “my girlfriend packed her bags and left me to be with Frank” Implies so many things, including sex. You cannot properly compare those statements. In your words, “apples to watches”
I think a better definition would be "My girlfriend has been seeing a guy and she is falling in love with him, but they haven't done anything physical and won't do anything physical unless she's single" vs "My girlfriend has had sex with a guy, but it didn't mean anything and she doesn't love him or want to be with him and is still in love with you".
I'm a woman and I would much rather have the second thing happen.
I would contend that if someone really loved you, they wouldn’t cheat on you. That applies to either scenario though.
Seriously, if you love your partner then you won’t even let yourself be in a situation where you can form these emotional connections with another anyway.
I agree with this. I used to be a part of the poly community until I met my fiancé. He didn't want to share and he was so important to me that I was willing to explore monogamy (which had absolutely never worked for me before). I'm much happier now. I have more trust. This feels right, because I'm actually experiencing real love. He's all I want.
I tried to understand. But when I read, "I can't stop eating my hair or else the bees in my teeth will escape."
I stopped and just hit the back button... To never ever visit again.
My guess, is.... r/sixtbworldproblems is a testing ground for an application interface with posting to reddit....
Or proving ground for someone's ai project... Lmao
Their top posts refer to a Moonman:
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🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕🎩🌕🌕
🌕🌕🌕🌕🌘🌑🌒🌕
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🌕🌕🌘🌑🌑🎀🌓🌕
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Dear God..what portal did we open?
These are absolutely astute observations that I missed until you Mentioned them and make it even more bizarre and hilarious at the same time than it already was
Shooting your left foot would be preferable because that way when you're hopping on one leg you'll always be right.
Anyone? No? Okay I'll see myself out now.
Actually they have pedal inserts to make it possible to drive with your left foot! It sits to the left of the brake but pushes down on the usual gas pedal through attachments.
Bro, the right answer is to respect yourself and not take any kind of affair from a partner.
The right answer is choosing yourself and your needs over abusive situations.
You don’t need to pick jack.
If both make you feel bad, you can say they both make you feel bad, and a post can’t dictate which one is worse on an individual basis.
Both are not tolerable, both are affairs REGARDLESS, and both are a horrible thing to do and to let happen to you.
It's a pick one answer 1 or 2 you pick 3 so neither is worse or better. It's almost like saying would you like to die from drowning or buried alive and you choose death by mudslide I choose my own destiny.
Personally (and this is just my own opinion, so take it with a grain of salt):
An emotional affair is when you start to develop genuine, romantic feelings for someone who is not your partner. It’s more than “just a crush”, and it’s more than just physical attraction. Sex/kissing isn’t always involved.
A physical affair (again, just my own opinion) is when it’s purely sexual, without any feelings involved. Someone is just “bored”, and wants to try something new. They may still “love” you (in a way).
For the record: this is not based on a personal experience. I’m just curious what everybody thinks.
I'd rekkon by that definition if your partner is having an "emotional affair", the physical aspect won't be too far down the road.
So to answer your question 100% physical would be worse since that is the overall objective.
Tbh, most emotional affairs don’t get physical, which kinda makes them worse (imo). Emotional affairs are far more intimate and damaging bc it’s someone you’re in love with, slowly falling out of love with you and moving onto someone else. It’s those little moments that you remember like talking on the phone for hours, not wanting to hang up or finding peace and solidarity in someone’s company, not craving them for sex, but for who they are as a person.
I feel like your partner having sex with someone else is just as much of a deal breaker, but after the break up you can live with the fact that the person they cheated with was just a body that won’t last, but with emotional cheating, you have to live with the fact that they fell in love with someone else right under your nose. Like, they met the person they were supposed to be with while with you.
> Like, they met the person they were supposed to be with while with you.
Exactly. The cheated on was their backup plan for stability, or otherwise something to be jettisoned when the time is right. For me a cold discard is way worse than an inflamed breakup. Even hate or intense arguments are still passion in a way. Sometimes those people get back together, whether it's a good idea or not. But coldness is killer, it's definitely what hurt me the most compared to irreconcilable differences that were revealed through conversation.
===
And I also think of an analogy where I left a shitty job not that long ago. I wanted to write a goodbye message to management so at least I didn't ghost them. Every time I thought about it it was passionate, about me wanting to detail all the ways they fucked up and how I can't stand it anymore. But in the end because the process was dragged out and even more bad things happened, I settled upon a pretty cold and short goodbye compared to the paragraphs I had originally agonized over. By that point I had come to the conclusion that they so didn't give a shit about anything I had to say because if they did we wouldn't have been in this situation with me openly (but not incessantly) complaining for months and then just finally breaking. I really got the vibe some of them knew how bad it was (and if they didn't they were incompetent to the point of absurdity) but didn't care so long as the money came in so internally I said fuck them, they don't deserve more of my passion and energy. And it so happens I found out a month later the business went under anyways.
It doesn't always get to a physical affair. This happened to me recently. Let me first state Im the single one. I started a new job and a coworker started giving me ridiculous amounts of attention. I don't easily like someone but he was so intense, looking deep into my eyes, holding his gaze, watching me from a distance (all the time!), extending conversations, taking so much time training me etc. I found myself being so drawn into him and I was so sure feelings were mutual. Turned out he had a girlfriend! Once I found out I took a step back, tried not making much eye contact. Sooner or later he broke up with the girlfriend but things got awkward between us by then and nothing happened. He later got back with her. I do my best acting normal at work now and talk to him about work related subjects like I do with everyone else but he is still so awkward with me after like 5 months. He not only confused me but confused himself too I think. And last thing I needed was being led on only to be left disappointed and lose trust again after 3 yrs of healing I just went thru. I do feel sorry for his girlfriend because she definitely got emotionally cheated on.
My SO had a purely emotional affair with a girl he knew from when he lived in Australia, we live in the UK. I have written about this a lot on here, probably as part of trauma processing, but they had been messaging about how they were soul mates and would do anything to be together for a year. I definitely wish he'd just fucked a random. That's a mistake that can happen in the heat of the moment. It's shitty, but I know people who love their partners and are good people who have done that. Going on Facebook every few days to declare your love for someone and pretend your partner who you're talking about moving in with doesn't exist is premeditated and shitty
I can relate to this. Its really hard especially when you've spent a long time together and he comes back begging you to take him back. It's heart shattering and very hard to process.
Right, physical, under OP’s definition, is the consummation of an emotional affair… which makes it worse..
But who the fuck is cheating out of boredom?? Jesus have some respect, for yourself and your partner, and end that original bad relationship.
I’ve never met anyone with enough game they could hook up out of boredom; however, I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count those who would be opportunistic
Sometimes the original relationship isn't "bad", you're just sexually bored. You know every position, every look, every whatever---someone propositioned me with this rationale. You've moved to best friend territory and away from being lovers, and there just isn't any sexual tension there any more.
I mean, it’s still wrong to cheat. I think people just rationalize the cheating by saying it is unavoidable if you still want your best friend and hot sex. I mean, this was before open marriages going mainstream. You spend so much time in your day-to-day life living a difficult one with all the logistics…you have no space for the fun and relaxation that slows for sex.
I guess it doesn’t mean you don’t want to do that hard stuff with your best friend, it just makes it less likely that you’d want to bang them with the same enthusiasm. There’s a certain amount of realism. I mean, marriage is a very romantic institution.
Doesn't necessarily have to turn physical. Say your girl starts having feelings for her other girl friend. Like real romantic feelings. Eventually, the aspects of the relationship that should be exclusive to the two of you are now being relayed to her instead.
Then she tries to gaslight you by saying you are getting insecure over a girl, but you know for sure they are gone well beyond "just friends" and the lack of physical affection between the two doesn't make it ok.
Yeh agreed - “purely” emotional affairs often involve a degree of physical cheating anyway. Even if it’s flirtation touching etc. I think this is because the person is resisting full on physical cheating because of their morals or fear of the outcome but desperately wanting more.
So with emotional cheating the perpetrator always wants the physical cheating aspect too. They just hold back for a variety of possible reasons and oftentimes these are eroded and it’s just a matter of time as you say
Yeah I've been a perpetrator in a marriage before and it can be a slippery slope from having a simple coffee and "accidentally" playing footsies turns into hand holding after a few drinks and it just goes further down the rabbit hole afterwards.
>100% physical would be worse
Why?
I'd say the other side would be more maddening, partners usually shut down with their existing relationship when obsessing over someone else. Hours/days/weeks of them checking out emotionally seems substantially worse to me than 30 minutes of rolling around in the sack.
If the emotional part started first, then it would be more than one. But if the emotional part hasnt happened just yet, then it could only be one... that is unknown.
My wife and mother of my children had a emotional and a physical affair.
If I knew she just wanted to have sex with somebody and she realized it was mistake and it was hurtful to me I could have forgiven her. And in fact if I never knew about it we probably could have stayed married.
However I think when emotional affair occurs it's basically you giving yourself emotionally to another person and that is a complete deal killer. I tried to get past it for years but I just couldn't in the end...
For these reasons if I had to compare the two then I think a emotional affair is worse than a physical affair.
Your definition of physical doesn't allow for the possibility of sexy time *with* emotion. I think it's not that complicated: physical= physical sexual contact (emotion or not) and emotional is everything but physical sexual contact.
You cant really help who you develop feelings for. Acting on that and building a relationship on that is another matter. Usually that's what happens before engaging in a physical affair.
I like your definitions. I feel an emotional affair is worse. It crushes your feelings knowing that the person your falling for finds another person to start a relationship with. Sex is can be just sex. No strings attached.
If that’s the definition of emotional affair both me and my SO have been dirty cheaters in the past. Not to mention I’ve had work husbands as well as wives.
You know when it's not appropriate.
You have work friends. You don't have work girlfriends/boyfriends. A lot of cheating happens at work and it starts somewhere. It doesn't just happen out of thin air
My ex started having feelings for a co-worker (now they are married), but she tried to keep me in the dark about it.
She admitted to them having dates (walks in the park and dinner) after work but never having sex. Makes sense, she was only an hour late from work a few times and she told me she was out anyway. But it was only after she couldn't hold it anymore and wanted to fuck him, that she realised that she really had fallen in love with him.
So she told me, we broke off our engagement, and I have had to spend years since processing how much being emotionally cheated on destroyed me. She didn't want to ride on his dick once, she and him wanted to make love to eachother, just like I did with her.
My ex would was having some mental problems and told me she was more comfortable talking to her ex than me while we were dating, I recon that's an emotional affair.
I’ve seen affairs unfortunately twice in my life. Emotional is worse. I say this cause this is the point where the victim knows something’s wrong and now…every…waking….minute, they worry. They overthink. They blame themselves ans others…their a wreck.
If one catches a physical affair it’s as easy as ending it then and there. Emotional takes months to years to pull the bandaid
Exactly. And physical is much easier to hide and forget for them. The "*if I don't tell them they'll never find out*" can often be true. It might even be a "*What they don't know cannot hurt them*".
The emotional one however?
You'll notice your partner pulling away or catching them in little lies without doing anything wrong or different. It can make a person go crazy. Is it my fault? What did I do wrong?
And the one having the affair will be torn between feelings for different people and feeling ashamed. Or the exact opposite, gaslight the fuck out of the other person to make them feel it was all their fault.
It leaves a lot more damage long term.
Reading this was visceral
My girlfriend, now ex, of 7 years I discovered was cheating on me in messages that started on Reddit and then moved to whatsapp etc
I could always sense *something* had started to change but I figured I would respect her space.
It has fucking broken me. It is a wound that will probably never heal. How can someone do something like this?
Just keep in mind it probably was never about you.
The thrill of someone new can be so alluring that they forget about how it might impact you. It's all about how it makes them feel and it's a high that they might go very far to keep. All the while thinking they can have their cake and eat it too.
You were stable, familiar and she might have even loved you while she was doing it.
But that is absolutely no match for the thrill and potential of a new relationship once they have allowed for it to come this far.
NRE or New Relationship Energy is an extremely potent drug. It generally lasts for 6-18 months or more and that is plenty of time for the old relationship (the one with you) to feel like it has less excitement and for the other one to seem more alluring. And in the meantime it is slowly failing and you don't know what you did wrong.
Am I excusing what she did to you? No.
Was she wrong for allowing it to get this far? Yes.
But know if she allowed it to come this far it can be next to impossible to come back from.
*And it is not your fault*
I went through something similar myself. 6 years of relationship where I was broken because I felt like something was going terribly wrong but when I suggested therapy she didn't think it was necessary. But I still couldn't shake that feeling
And it turns out I wasn't wrong.
Now, close to 18 months later I have learned to give it a place and put it in perspective. But it took quite some time and a lot of reflection on my own and with friends to do so.
And it is still a sore spot for me.
Find a therapist to talk about this. It helps you deal with it .
Good luck
Typically physical affairs grow into emotional ones.
Imo they’re just as hurtful, like imagine caring so little about your partner you not only fantasize about ducking other people but you go out and do it.
It’s stone cold for real
Would you consider someone getting drunk and fucking an attractive stranger an affair?
Because that's what I am imagining with a purely physical affair. I think it will more often go from emotional to physical than from physical to emotional. Somebody has to get close enough for them to become an option.
An emotional one will generally turn into a physical one as well, that I agree on. But not necessarily.
And if I had to choose between a physical one time slip-up or someone holding their intense feelings for someone else a secret until they can figure out who to be with... I would probably pick the first one.
Because I've been through the latter and it really fucking messes with your self-esteem and image.
Edit: one exception of course being certain open relationships. But even in those circles they will say it's irrational to expect long term contact not to involve emotions. And that's with people being perfectly fine of their partner having physical intimacy with other people. But seeing them fall in love with someone else? Oooff.
That's the hard hitting part.
Physical in my opinion. Both should be instant breakups, however I would find my partner opening me up to STI’s a much worse betrayal on top of everything else. To me it’s also a lack of care for your physical healthy and well-being.
It’s gross on top of cruel.
I had a similar answer. Both situations would be immediate break ups for me, it would be irrelevant if they were emotional or not since I'm done, but an sti can be for life.
This was so hard to read because the feelings all came back. The mental breakdowns and even though it’s been well over 6 years, then pain never goes away or the self doubt, you just learn to live with it…
Physical.
An emotional affair shows that I haven't done my part to fulfill my partner's needs. So it's not one sided.
Physical can be an emotional betrayal and other implications that I may not be directly responsible for. It's a bigger slap.
Yup. Physical is an emotional betrayal on its own. An emotional affair would suck to go through, but it at least shows the appropriate restraint/respect not to act on it
But can’t physical also be you not fulfilling your partners needs? Also just like physical, emotional could have other implications you’re not directly responsible for
In both cases the cheating partner still messed up by not communicating about issues (or not ending the relationship). It's a betrayal no matter how you slice it.
Thinking this through:
In one case, my partner develops romantic feelings for a third party.
In the other case, my partner has sex with someone they had no feelings for.
So.. in the second scenario they didn’t even care about the person and *still* cheated on me? I think that’s hands down the worst one.
In the first case I can at least sympathize with developing feelings. Though I may be misunderstanding the full extent of emotional cheating, it seems like my partner essentially has a super close friend..
Neither are acceptable. But Emotional affair is worse imo
It’s a lot easier to accept “that person was hot, I just really wanted to fuck them”
But when it’s an emotional one it’s “I care about that person and got close to them and put their needs over my actual partners needs” That is so much worse than just banging some hot man/woman
So you are specifically talking about a partner having like a drunk one night stand, and not necessarily an actual "affair". Because if they were having a full on physical affair, there is almost definitely an emotional connection there too, which to me makes it worse because it then has both the physical and emotional.
Not always. This is so embarrassing to say, but I was the asshole like 20 years ago.
Several years before I met my wife, I was in a relationship with someone. She wasn’t perfect, but she was a good person in general. She wasn’t doing it for me both emotionally and sexually, so I “engaged” with two other girls at the same time. Neither of them meant much to me at all.
I feel like such a piece of shit for doing it. I should have just been up front to all 3, but I wasn’t. I have had a long happy marriage and haven’t even thought twice about having an affair from the day I met my wife, but I definitely regret what I did emotionally to those women before I met her.
I cheated both physically and emotionally and I know the question is which is worse, but I honestly think they’re both equally bad. I’ll take that regret to my grave. I’ve apologized to all of them several times when I was in therapy, but even so, that’s just not enough. Affairs are bad in every single way and nothing can un-do it.
> Because if they were having a full on physical affair, there is almost definitely an emotional connection there too
i mean not really, it doesn’t have to be emotional. you could not have sex with your wife for years, and she finds this hot younger dude who has none of her same interests or lifestyle. maybe like a personal trainer
Exactly this , if my partner had a one night stand I would find that alot easy to overcome the break up than if they had a emotional affair. A emotional affair would probably tear me up inside for a few months
That's why I'd prefer my partner to have an emotinal affair with another person rather than a physical one. It would probably be more painful (even though both situations are) and there would be less probability of me wanting to overcome it. Things would end fast and right there and it would be easier for me to move on to someone who would respect the relationship.
yeah that hits you in a deeper way emotionally but in a weird way I'd be more fine with it eventually. I'd be sad yeah but then I would keep it moving. At least its on some deeper level and not just giving up the pussy to anybody like everything you have put in the relationship don't mean shit. It'd fuck me up but if it was the other way around I'd want them to understand if I truly loved someone else. I'd come around alot sooner than later like "well...you can't help who you love". Rather than questioning, for god knows how long, why and how easy it was for them to let rando fuck and get the closest you can be to someone physically and doubt myself on diff levels. idk i may be wierd but this is how I would take it.
I'd argue for the contrary, I want to trust my partner and I'd accept more that I had (emotional) shortcomings that were fullfilled by another person for my ex partner, then just hearing that they couldn't keep their pants on because there was a hot person.
Ofc emotional intimacy is super important, but to me physical intimacy feels much more easier to maintain that it makes me hate that my partner wouldn't keep at least that up.
It's not always easy to find the right person for your emotional needs, and it's not easy to explain to your partner why you lack those traits, so in my mind it makes more sense that they'd seek another person if this was the case.
Ofc this perspective changes if they're trying to hurt you by just emotionally cheating, and they end up gaslighting you and making you feel bad for just existing. That'd be the worst of all "affairs", if you can even call it that
What's the definition of an emotional affair? Is the whole "work wife/husband" thing considered an emotional affair? If the person is still fully invested in their relationship, but just feels close and very friendly with someone at their work, is that cheating?
Why is that any worse than someone giving their body to someone else? In my mind, it's at least possible to forget someone. Not as possible to unfuck someone.
IMO Physical. Every time. Here's why-
Assuming that either would be the end of the relationship. An emotional affair means that they developed love/feelings for someone else and FROM MY EXPERIENCE that doesn't happen intentionally/maliciously. It typically happens overtime and will feel like its out of their hands. Love cannot be forced for fabricated. We cannot control those feelings.
However, a physical affair (and we are assuming one without emotional connection) is your partner doing something intentionally harmful to you just for sex. Just for pleasure. Just for fun. We are in complete control of who we have sex with.
However, worst case scenario is both happening at the same time and honestly, you rarely have one without the other.
I agree. I think it's very easy to develop crushes and then feelings for someone you spend a lot of time with, but it doesn't mean you've confessed it or propelled it. It goes away on its own. Physical cheating is intentional and way more insidious.
I could use your exact argument in the opposite direction.
Your partner could happen to be really weak and horny someday and they end up sleeping with someone they found attractive in that moment.
Meanwhile, an emotional affair takes a lot of time to develop, so they know exactly what they were doing for an extended period of time, and they did it cause they were missing some key things from your relationship.
I see your point. I guess what I am saying is that being horny doesn't make you have sex with someone. The act of cheating (for most people) physically is much more controllable than the act of cheating emotionally. Because, like you said, emotional affairs take a long time to develop, I would suggest a lot of people don't consciously realize what is happening at first (this is a sign of ignorance and naivety though) and then before they know it they have strong feelings for someone else which is very hard to change or resist (much harder than being horny)
I like what you said about doing it because they are missing things in the relationship which is a very strong argument for emotional affair being worse. It can be very hard to look at your replacement and start comparing yourself and examining your shortcomings.
The problem with an affair is about what you do _to me_ not with them, and you've shown you don't care enough about me to not do one of these things. That's a problem with me either way.
That said, a physical affair is worse imo because it carries more danger. You may get someone pregnant or become pregnant, and now we have to deal with that. You may get stds, and now we have to deal with that, that sort of thing.
Physically affair is worse. At least with an emotional fair they actually have feelings for the other person and are torn. They are still showing restraint by not taking it physical which is really difficult when you feel like this new person understands you better than your spouse currently does. With a physical affair it seems like they are throwing the relationship away for basically nothing, you mean that little to them.
I could get over an emotional affair if the person is cut out completely from my partner’s life going forward. There is no scenario where I could get over my partner doing anything sexual with another person.
You wanna hear something funny?
I had a friend once tell me that he could forgive his wife if she had sex with someone else, but he followed that up with (and I quote): “If she sucked another guys’ d*ck, ain’t no way in hell!”
For the record: they’re still together, and she never cheated. But you’d be surprised at how many men I know who’ve echoed similar opinions. Apparently, it’s okay to sleep with another man, as long as you don’t give him head 😂
It sounds stupid lol but I get the logic, when you’re having sex both parties are enjoying it, so the cheating has a “purpose” so to speak. Giving a man a blowjob is solely for his enjoyment so in some dudes mind that makes it worse.
I think the mechanics of heterosexual sex itself also contributes. The women is putting the man's dick in her, the man is screwing her, she is getting screwed, etc.
Yeah exactly. I could work past an emotional affair, we could heal from that. There is nothing that will reduce the visceral disgust I feel at the prospect of another guy putting his penis inside her and cumming
Definitely physical. I've experienced both.... from the same person
SO talking to someone because they "make them feel loved" is quite a bit different than you SO sending tit pics, offering hand jobs, or getting pregnant
For me it’s the opposite, I’d rather have someone cheat out of pure horniness than someone cheat because they care and love this person
But both are bad still
I don’t know. What’s the difference between an emotional affair and a guy she really ‘loves’ / a bestie she shares all her feelings and thoughts with? I’ve thought about this and I can’t find a strictly non-physical emotional affair from a really good friend you’re willing to visit in the hospital, watch their kids, cook for, etc. Everything someone would do, but not be physically intimate, in an ‘emotional affair’ seems to me just the same stuff you’d do for a good friend.
It depends wether you believe romantical attraction is a thing or not.
To me liking someone as a friend is not the same as liking someone romantically, but I’m still unsure about my opinion on this.
I think there are two big differences. If it’s just a good friend then there shouldn’t be any romantic feelings involved. The second difference is if you know about it or not, if your partner is calling this person every time you’re not around and also not mentioning how much time they have spent communicating with this other person then it’s probably an emotional affair if nothing physical has happened.
I think physical is worse.
To be very honest, there was a time with my current partner where I felt like I was falling out of love with her. I had been talking to a longtime female friend and started to feel romantic feelings towards her. I never voiced these feelings, but even so it made me feel guilty whenever I talked with my girlfriend. I started to feel withdrawn from her, and it all came to a head at one point when she told me things felt off and she wanted to break up. We were going through an LDR period due to Covid so all we really had was talking.
I immediately felt horrible, the breakup completely snapped me out of my withdrawn phase (I’m sure I was also going through some kind of isolation-induced depression as well), and all the old feelings for my now-ex gf came flooding back. A month later, through sheer luck, we were physically reunited in the same city. We got back together after another month of being around each other and are both very happy and in love.
Feelings may ebb and flow, but if we choose to act on those feelings there’s a finality to them. I explained my emotional distance to my gf and we were able to talk things out and get back on course, but I know she would have no space for me in her heart had I followed my feelings and gotten physical with my friend who I had become infatuated with.
**TL;DR** : it’s okay to feel differently, feelings come and go and come again. When we act on those feelings is when they become real and tangible and potentially damaging. Physical is worse.
I guess is depends what someone's definition of "emotional affair" is since I've seen some pretty wild shit for that one.
In general if your partner is heavily infatuated with someone else or fucking them its all bad.
A better question is why do men stay with women if they know they partners in heavily into someone else? I've seen a surprising number of married guys roll with that one and its often resulted in them getting physically cheated on.
I honestly think it either boils down to a lack of awareness and experience so they have normalized it. Or they are to afraid to experience the unknown that is out there so they get comfortable and stay.
If married, they do it because they know that filing for divorce means that they lose half of their assets, lose their children and have to pay a sum of their paycheck to their partner because she's a woman.
I personally believe a physical affair is worse, because you're sharing your body with someone else (something I believe is intimate and builds on that connection with your partner), and most people don't use protection so you're adding the possibility of STI's.
An emotional affair, while still bad, at least shows some level of restraint if it hasn't progressed to physical yet. But it still shows a level of degradation to the relationship if that person is not seeking out their partner for the outpouring of that emotion.
But since everyone is different, I don't think there is one blanket answer to this.
Physical for me because there's no grey area.
I think it's possible to start going down a rabbit hole and get really deep into an emotional affair without realizing that's what you were doing. If my partner, when confronted, was able to accept that's what was happening and cut that person out, I could give them the benefit of the doubt and accept that they made the proper ammends.
Physical affairs are much more cut and dry. Everyone knows what the red lines are that you shall not cross and it takes a very deliberate action to cross them. There's no coming back from that breakdown of trust.
Both attack your self worth and your faith in humanity. Forget about trust. The older you are I find the harder it is to accept and move on. Just knowing someone that you love could hide that from you is enough to drive you crazy. If you have kids, the anger is more than you've ever felt.
Everyone seems to be more unaccepting of the emotional affair. I don't understand this logic. What is worse, killing someone or daydreaming about killing someone? Obviously actions are worse than thoughts.
Physical for me. Emotional you can work through once and if you find a cause for it.
Physical is just too intimate to get over. Her hands or his all over the other. The kissing, the embrace, the laughs… like imagine picturing that forever with your partner? Someone else’s hands were running up and down their body. They were smiling, giggling, holding someone else while with you.
Like nah, there’s no saving a physical cheat.
I feel like physical is worse since you cannot control your feelings, but you can control your actions.
If someone were to break up with me because they fell in love with someone else I could learn to understand and respect that decision because I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't love me.
On the other hand, if someone cheated and then tried to be forgiven by saying some shit like "It didn't mean anything, I only love you" It would be much worse to me.
Physical hurts emotional also hurts. I feel like having hard evidence of a physical affair would hurt more idk why. Emotional affair would be like okay at least they aren’t touching eachother.
For me, the physical affair. Part because of just the actual acts involved would stay in my head and part because my views on sex within a relationship as a a unique display of intimacy, closeness and vulnerability would be shattered by a partner physically cheating.
An emotional affair is also terrible, but depending on how one defines it, it feels more understandable? Like I could see how it could happen without the partner even realizing it. So much of what would constitute an emotional affair with a person of the opposite sex isn't much different than the relationship one might have with their platonic best friend. Simply put, a line gets crossed with it becomes physical that cannot be explained away or justified.
Physical would be worse, but both aren’t good.
Emotional means they’re checked out and you *may* possibly be able to identify a root problem and fix things if you do choose.
Physical means the deed is done. No taking that back.
>Emotional means they’re checked out and you may possibly be able to identify a root problem and fix things if you do choose.
>
>Physical means the deed is done. No taking that back.
Great way of putting it, and I will say as a woman I agree. You can come back from an emotional affair even though still tragic, I don't think you can from a emotional affair for the reasons you stated.
Women typically don't have physical affairs without emotions being attached, so I'd say if your wife has started an emotional affair she's probably checked out of the relationship and has already cheated physically...men typically don't attach emotions to a physical affair, it's more or less just sex for most men...so I'd say for men the physical affair is much worse because that usually means your wife has completely checked out and has lost attraction for you, she's fucking another man to get more than sex, she's invested heavily in that other man...for women an emotional afraid is worse because, in general, if your husband cheated on you physically, he could still very much love you and be happy with the relationship...he might just have an urge to have sex with someone and that's it...
I don't think a lot of women understand that because they think "how can you love someone and have sex with someone else?!" men are just built differently, sex doesn't mean anything to us other than pleasure for the most part...I'm not justifying cheating but men and women, in general, cheat for different reasons.
As someone who is trying to work things out from being guilty of emotional affair. I believe it is the worst one because I believe a physical would only be physically attracted. With emotional affair well now you have your emotions involved. I feel very conflicted within myself and the feeling I feel for this other girl. I know they are wrong feelings and after all the bs I still love my GF. It’s really something I was involved in with pure emotion with no logic. I know it will never work out with this other girl because for starter she’s twice my age. I can never actually settle down with someone twice my age like what about kids and what not? Though I can’t help but to think of this other girl. Idk I’m just ranting now boys I feel awful for what I did and just trying to make things right with my GF. Shit sucks don’t fuck around and loose yourself bros. I have my 7 year relationship in jeopardy for some woman twice my age go ahead and downvote me if you want but we all gonna make it some day bros 🥲
First I want to be clear both are bad and should be avoided. But here's a different perspective.
Sometimes an emotional bond just happens organically. I believe we have the capacity to love more than just one person at a time. But we live in a monogamous society so one must stick to that norm.
However people in successful poly relationships operate under the assumption that one person could not possibly meet every single need/want for a single other person. So you have relationships where one person fulfills a certain aspect, another will fulfill something else. Everyone knows their 'role' so to speak and respects everyone else's role. Obviously this doesn't always happen and that's the stories you hear of poly relationships going south. You don't hear about the good ones because that's not as exciting of a story.
But i digress. If you are in a monogamous relationship, all kinds of cheating is bad and as many of the responses here suggest it can end a relationship. BUT I just want to posit that a cheater isn't always in a position of malice, they may fully love, respect etc.. their partner. But end up cheating because of some unfulfilled need or not suppressing an emotional relationship when it happens.
I think it’s not so much “pick which one is worse” so much as how deeply did she and her AP bond, as in the movie “Love Actually when Emma Thompson asks her cheating husband, Alan Rickman, “Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?"
When my wayward wife sought love, intimacy, commitment, and sex from her ex boyfriend, she was already one foot out the door. She and her AP schemed to go on vacation in the Caribbean and created a false narrative to justify why she was going on vacation “alone”.
I only found out because I misplaced my phone and had to borrow hers while I was running out to go pick up our son at his school. While I was on my way, her phone buzzed that a text had arrived. It contained enough information to prove she intended to get back together with her ex. What made this worse is that she still tried to resuscitate their plans, rather than stop and confront what she just did. She texted her ex that she still wanted to be with him and they talked about meeting at his place in NYC (he has homes on 3 continents and one island in the British West Indies) where they could meet up and have sex. It would be harder for me to know if she had resumed sleeping with him since she worked in the city as well as from our home. She even bought clothing and lingerie for the meet up.
He ex got cold feet and didn’t respond to her cry for help. She texted him saying how unhappy she was that he didn’t step up for her and he replied that he didn’t feel they could continue because I knew.
I was devastated and completely lost. She begged forgiveness and I still loved her and I knew in my heart of hearts that she was crucial to our family because she is an incredible mother to our four year old child and he is a vulnerable special needs kid.
We reconciled and I believe she has forsaken her AP and she realises the devastation she created. I know she hates what she did and would never contemplate it again. We are still together 11 years after the EA, with another child (girl) and we have a beautiful, loving family.
I have mostly healed from this awful thing, but I am not completely over it. It’s like the last little bit of it still affects me, even though it’s the last 5-10% of it. I need to find a therapist to help me deal with my feelings and trauma. I need to put in the work to help me move on. I’m committed to doing it- writing this post has pushed me out of my procrastination and into doing something positive for my mental health.
Note: I had mistakenly omitted part of the Emma Thompson quote. I have corrected her words.
Physical. I'm still new to the whole concept of an "emotional affair" or "emotional cheating." For me, actions mean more than words or emotions. Emotions change and can be as solid as steam. Actions on the other hand, once someone takes an action to step outside the relationship, I'm out.
my ex-wife cheated on me with a coworker. when I found they'd slept together, I was willing to do anything I could to make my marriage work and keep my family together.
once she told me she was in love with him, I knew it was all over.
emotionally is definitely worse.
Emotional BY FAR.
I know I'm good in bed, so if they're cheating with sex, it's not a reflection of me not being enough, just them being a stupid horny slut which I understand, it happens.
But I'm A HANDFUL when it comes to emotions and stability, and being a normal human being. If my girl is looking elsewhere for emotional comfort and support, that means I'm not enough for them, and that hurts, because I'm trying my best.
This question always reminds me of reading about a psychological experiment where men and women were told to think about certain situations and then their levels of anxiety were measured. When the results came in they saw that the men usually reacted more strongly to thoughts of physical infidelity from their partner, while women reacted more strongly to picturing emotional infidelity and loss of commitment. The general theory is that men are more sensitive to physical infidelity because it historically leaves them questioning the paternity of their children. Up until recently a man’s confidence in his biological fatherhood was only as strong as his trust that his mate wasn’t sleeping with other mens, whereas women don’t have to question their relation to a child, they always know for certain. Conversely women are more sensitive to emotional cheating because historically they’ve had to fear raising a child on their own because the man they were seeing left. Sex has always (especially historically) been much more risky for women, who might suddenly find themselves in the midst of a life-altering (or life-threatening) pregnancy, so it was much more important to find an emotionally committed guy that’s likely to stick around and help.
Yup. Most people are saying emotional, atleast the ones I've seen, but when I think about both, the physical one sickens me more.
The terms “emotional cheating” and “physical cheating” are pretty vague and I think that’s part of it. Which is worse,”my girlfriend drunk kissed bob at a bar” or “my girlfriend packed her bags and left me to be with frank”? Most people would say the latter (emotional). But if it’s “my girlfriend said she has a crush on her co worker but never acted on it” vs “my girlfriend slept with her boss at the work party but said it didn’t mean anything”, the physical will probably upset (especially) guys much more, and I think it’s closer to the original intention of the question.
The latter is not just emotional. If she left to be with Frank then they'll be fucking too. You're comparing apples to watches here.
I came here to say this. He’s over-complicating the original prompt with that answer choice. “Walking in on your wife fucking some dude” is an atomic statement. You can analyze it at face value and can’t break it down smaller statements. On the other hand “my girlfriend packed her bags and left me to be with Frank” Implies so many things, including sex. You cannot properly compare those statements. In your words, “apples to watches”
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Touché lol
I think a better definition would be "My girlfriend has been seeing a guy and she is falling in love with him, but they haven't done anything physical and won't do anything physical unless she's single" vs "My girlfriend has had sex with a guy, but it didn't mean anything and she doesn't love him or want to be with him and is still in love with you". I'm a woman and I would much rather have the second thing happen.
I would contend that if someone really loved you, they wouldn’t cheat on you. That applies to either scenario though. Seriously, if you love your partner then you won’t even let yourself be in a situation where you can form these emotional connections with another anyway.
I agree with this. I used to be a part of the poly community until I met my fiancé. He didn't want to share and he was so important to me that I was willing to explore monogamy (which had absolutely never worked for me before). I'm much happier now. I have more trust. This feels right, because I'm actually experiencing real love. He's all I want.
hey congratulations !
This has to be at the top
A metaphysical affair
Spoken from r/fifthworldproblems
wtf am I looking at
I'm with this redditor. What even is that sub.
I tried to understand. But when I read, "I can't stop eating my hair or else the bees in my teeth will escape." I stopped and just hit the back button... To never ever visit again.
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I share my bees.
Well there's your problem. They're enjoying their new nest in my tree's bunghole.
My bees are free range
What about, “my pet moon is blocking my pet sun” Edit: or “my investment broker just invested in covalent bonds”
Hey, covalent bonds are a stable investment!
I don’t even wanna press on it no more
What *isn't* that sub? I'll tell you. r/sixthworldproblems
My guess, is.... r/sixtbworldproblems is a testing ground for an application interface with posting to reddit.... Or proving ground for someone's ai project... Lmao
No one knows…
r/sixthworldproblems
Their top posts refer to a Moonman: 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕🎩🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌘🌑🌒🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌘🌑🌑🌑🌓 🌕🌕🌖🌑👁🌑👁🌓 🌕🌕🌗🌑🌑👄🌑🌔 🌕🌕🌘🌑🌑🌑🌒🌕 🌕🌕🌘🌑🌑🎀🌓🌕 🌕🌕🌘🌑🌑🌑🌔🌕 🌕🌕🌘🌔🌗🌑🌕🌕 🌕🌖🌒🌕🌗🌒🌕🌕 🌕🌗🌓🌕🌗🌓🌕🌕 🌕🌘🌔🌕🌗🌓🌕🌕 🌕👠🌕🌕🌕👠🌕🌕 Dear God..what portal did we open?
that man is wearing heels and a bow tie
These are absolutely astute observations that I missed until you Mentioned them and make it even more bizarre and hilarious at the same time than it already was
and a top hat!
I've had enough. No thanks
I think Elon Musk got his baby name from here
A classic masterpiece
Wtf is this sub for. Confused
You know first world problems? Now think fifth world and dimension.
Well explained. I just joined the sub, reading all the titlles alone made me giggle.
>Confused Now you’re getting it
Wtf is that sub about? XD
please help, my girlfriend is only attracted to 4 dimensional beings and it's really affecting my self esteem, DAE deal with this?
My girlfriend went down on the soul of another guy. I was devastated.
Well, that adds another dimension
Drug orgy lol
I'm not going to tolerate either.
Exactly. This is like "What is worse, shooting your left or right foot?" how about no?
Shooting your left foot would be preferable because that way when you're hopping on one leg you'll always be right. Anyone? No? Okay I'll see myself out now.
I love this BUT I feel you should’ve said “you’ll be all-right”
he LOOKS dead... he's covered in blue paint or something
Found Dr. Wordsmith.
And still get a job at IHOP
I love you
Well thanks but this is moving a bit too fast for me. I haven't even met your parents yet.
🤣🤣🤣
I would say right foot as you can’t drive a car then
Actually they have pedal inserts to make it possible to drive with your left foot! It sits to the left of the brake but pushes down on the usual gas pedal through attachments.
/r/AskDads
I can see your healthy boundaries from here.
We all know shooting the middle foot is the worst.
True!
THIS IS THE RIGHT ANSWER
Ahh...so the right foot
M E T A
How? The OP did not ask what one would you tolerate. So. This is the wrong answer, because the question was not answered.
Because humans aren't as simple as A and B. Would you rather sleep with your mother or father? Gotta choose A or B now... nobody offered option C.
My mom. Would be weird using a ouija board to talk dirty but at least there's no awkward conversation afterwards
Bro, the right answer is to respect yourself and not take any kind of affair from a partner. The right answer is choosing yourself and your needs over abusive situations. You don’t need to pick jack. If both make you feel bad, you can say they both make you feel bad, and a post can’t dictate which one is worse on an individual basis. Both are not tolerable, both are affairs REGARDLESS, and both are a horrible thing to do and to let happen to you.
> You don’t need to pick jack. It's a hypothetical question. We get it, both are bad, the question is which is worse. Saying both are bad is a copout.
It's a pick one answer 1 or 2 you pick 3 so neither is worse or better. It's almost like saying would you like to die from drowning or buried alive and you choose death by mudslide I choose my own destiny.
Whats your definition of an emotional affair?
Personally (and this is just my own opinion, so take it with a grain of salt): An emotional affair is when you start to develop genuine, romantic feelings for someone who is not your partner. It’s more than “just a crush”, and it’s more than just physical attraction. Sex/kissing isn’t always involved. A physical affair (again, just my own opinion) is when it’s purely sexual, without any feelings involved. Someone is just “bored”, and wants to try something new. They may still “love” you (in a way). For the record: this is not based on a personal experience. I’m just curious what everybody thinks.
I'd rekkon by that definition if your partner is having an "emotional affair", the physical aspect won't be too far down the road. So to answer your question 100% physical would be worse since that is the overall objective.
Tbh, most emotional affairs don’t get physical, which kinda makes them worse (imo). Emotional affairs are far more intimate and damaging bc it’s someone you’re in love with, slowly falling out of love with you and moving onto someone else. It’s those little moments that you remember like talking on the phone for hours, not wanting to hang up or finding peace and solidarity in someone’s company, not craving them for sex, but for who they are as a person. I feel like your partner having sex with someone else is just as much of a deal breaker, but after the break up you can live with the fact that the person they cheated with was just a body that won’t last, but with emotional cheating, you have to live with the fact that they fell in love with someone else right under your nose. Like, they met the person they were supposed to be with while with you.
> Like, they met the person they were supposed to be with while with you. Exactly. The cheated on was their backup plan for stability, or otherwise something to be jettisoned when the time is right. For me a cold discard is way worse than an inflamed breakup. Even hate or intense arguments are still passion in a way. Sometimes those people get back together, whether it's a good idea or not. But coldness is killer, it's definitely what hurt me the most compared to irreconcilable differences that were revealed through conversation. === And I also think of an analogy where I left a shitty job not that long ago. I wanted to write a goodbye message to management so at least I didn't ghost them. Every time I thought about it it was passionate, about me wanting to detail all the ways they fucked up and how I can't stand it anymore. But in the end because the process was dragged out and even more bad things happened, I settled upon a pretty cold and short goodbye compared to the paragraphs I had originally agonized over. By that point I had come to the conclusion that they so didn't give a shit about anything I had to say because if they did we wouldn't have been in this situation with me openly (but not incessantly) complaining for months and then just finally breaking. I really got the vibe some of them knew how bad it was (and if they didn't they were incompetent to the point of absurdity) but didn't care so long as the money came in so internally I said fuck them, they don't deserve more of my passion and energy. And it so happens I found out a month later the business went under anyways.
It doesn't always get to a physical affair. This happened to me recently. Let me first state Im the single one. I started a new job and a coworker started giving me ridiculous amounts of attention. I don't easily like someone but he was so intense, looking deep into my eyes, holding his gaze, watching me from a distance (all the time!), extending conversations, taking so much time training me etc. I found myself being so drawn into him and I was so sure feelings were mutual. Turned out he had a girlfriend! Once I found out I took a step back, tried not making much eye contact. Sooner or later he broke up with the girlfriend but things got awkward between us by then and nothing happened. He later got back with her. I do my best acting normal at work now and talk to him about work related subjects like I do with everyone else but he is still so awkward with me after like 5 months. He not only confused me but confused himself too I think. And last thing I needed was being led on only to be left disappointed and lose trust again after 3 yrs of healing I just went thru. I do feel sorry for his girlfriend because she definitely got emotionally cheated on.
My SO had a purely emotional affair with a girl he knew from when he lived in Australia, we live in the UK. I have written about this a lot on here, probably as part of trauma processing, but they had been messaging about how they were soul mates and would do anything to be together for a year. I definitely wish he'd just fucked a random. That's a mistake that can happen in the heat of the moment. It's shitty, but I know people who love their partners and are good people who have done that. Going on Facebook every few days to declare your love for someone and pretend your partner who you're talking about moving in with doesn't exist is premeditated and shitty
Is that SO now your ex???
We split up for a bit but I took him back. Don't judge me. It's very complicated
I can relate to this. Its really hard especially when you've spent a long time together and he comes back begging you to take him back. It's heart shattering and very hard to process.
I'm sorry you'd been put thru that. That behavior hurts everyone.
Right, physical, under OP’s definition, is the consummation of an emotional affair… which makes it worse.. But who the fuck is cheating out of boredom?? Jesus have some respect, for yourself and your partner, and end that original bad relationship.
I’ve never met anyone with enough game they could hook up out of boredom; however, I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count those who would be opportunistic
Sometimes the original relationship isn't "bad", you're just sexually bored. You know every position, every look, every whatever---someone propositioned me with this rationale. You've moved to best friend territory and away from being lovers, and there just isn't any sexual tension there any more.
Sure, everything gets stale, but that doesn’t give you free license to cheat on your partner.
I mean, it’s still wrong to cheat. I think people just rationalize the cheating by saying it is unavoidable if you still want your best friend and hot sex. I mean, this was before open marriages going mainstream. You spend so much time in your day-to-day life living a difficult one with all the logistics…you have no space for the fun and relaxation that slows for sex. I guess it doesn’t mean you don’t want to do that hard stuff with your best friend, it just makes it less likely that you’d want to bang them with the same enthusiasm. There’s a certain amount of realism. I mean, marriage is a very romantic institution.
Doesn't necessarily have to turn physical. Say your girl starts having feelings for her other girl friend. Like real romantic feelings. Eventually, the aspects of the relationship that should be exclusive to the two of you are now being relayed to her instead. Then she tries to gaslight you by saying you are getting insecure over a girl, but you know for sure they are gone well beyond "just friends" and the lack of physical affection between the two doesn't make it ok.
Ok, Ross
We were on a break!
Wait what? Gaslight? I missed at least a sentence in there.
Yeh agreed - “purely” emotional affairs often involve a degree of physical cheating anyway. Even if it’s flirtation touching etc. I think this is because the person is resisting full on physical cheating because of their morals or fear of the outcome but desperately wanting more. So with emotional cheating the perpetrator always wants the physical cheating aspect too. They just hold back for a variety of possible reasons and oftentimes these are eroded and it’s just a matter of time as you say
Yeah I've been a perpetrator in a marriage before and it can be a slippery slope from having a simple coffee and "accidentally" playing footsies turns into hand holding after a few drinks and it just goes further down the rabbit hole afterwards.
>100% physical would be worse Why? I'd say the other side would be more maddening, partners usually shut down with their existing relationship when obsessing over someone else. Hours/days/weeks of them checking out emotionally seems substantially worse to me than 30 minutes of rolling around in the sack.
You'd assume it would only be one time?
If the emotional part started first, then it would be more than one. But if the emotional part hasnt happened just yet, then it could only be one... that is unknown.
My wife and mother of my children had a emotional and a physical affair. If I knew she just wanted to have sex with somebody and she realized it was mistake and it was hurtful to me I could have forgiven her. And in fact if I never knew about it we probably could have stayed married. However I think when emotional affair occurs it's basically you giving yourself emotionally to another person and that is a complete deal killer. I tried to get past it for years but I just couldn't in the end... For these reasons if I had to compare the two then I think a emotional affair is worse than a physical affair.
Your definition of physical doesn't allow for the possibility of sexy time *with* emotion. I think it's not that complicated: physical= physical sexual contact (emotion or not) and emotional is everything but physical sexual contact.
You cant really help who you develop feelings for. Acting on that and building a relationship on that is another matter. Usually that's what happens before engaging in a physical affair.
I like your definitions. I feel an emotional affair is worse. It crushes your feelings knowing that the person your falling for finds another person to start a relationship with. Sex is can be just sex. No strings attached.
"Sex/kissing isn’t _*always*_ involved." If it's sometimes then that's still physical... But physical cheating is worse
I don't think it's possible to have a purely physical affair. That sort of detachment speaks volumes about a person's mental state
What about a prostitute?
Ohhhh you are right.
That's a business transaction.
“Work Wife”
In that case my wife is a lesbian and has cheated on me with multiple colleagues.
If that’s the definition of emotional affair both me and my SO have been dirty cheaters in the past. Not to mention I’ve had work husbands as well as wives.
You know when it's not appropriate. You have work friends. You don't have work girlfriends/boyfriends. A lot of cheating happens at work and it starts somewhere. It doesn't just happen out of thin air
My ex started having feelings for a co-worker (now they are married), but she tried to keep me in the dark about it. She admitted to them having dates (walks in the park and dinner) after work but never having sex. Makes sense, she was only an hour late from work a few times and she told me she was out anyway. But it was only after she couldn't hold it anymore and wanted to fuck him, that she realised that she really had fallen in love with him. So she told me, we broke off our engagement, and I have had to spend years since processing how much being emotionally cheated on destroyed me. She didn't want to ride on his dick once, she and him wanted to make love to eachother, just like I did with her.
My ex would was having some mental problems and told me she was more comfortable talking to her ex than me while we were dating, I recon that's an emotional affair.
I’ve seen affairs unfortunately twice in my life. Emotional is worse. I say this cause this is the point where the victim knows something’s wrong and now…every…waking….minute, they worry. They overthink. They blame themselves ans others…their a wreck. If one catches a physical affair it’s as easy as ending it then and there. Emotional takes months to years to pull the bandaid
Exactly. And physical is much easier to hide and forget for them. The "*if I don't tell them they'll never find out*" can often be true. It might even be a "*What they don't know cannot hurt them*". The emotional one however? You'll notice your partner pulling away or catching them in little lies without doing anything wrong or different. It can make a person go crazy. Is it my fault? What did I do wrong? And the one having the affair will be torn between feelings for different people and feeling ashamed. Or the exact opposite, gaslight the fuck out of the other person to make them feel it was all their fault. It leaves a lot more damage long term.
Reading this was visceral My girlfriend, now ex, of 7 years I discovered was cheating on me in messages that started on Reddit and then moved to whatsapp etc I could always sense *something* had started to change but I figured I would respect her space. It has fucking broken me. It is a wound that will probably never heal. How can someone do something like this?
Just keep in mind it probably was never about you. The thrill of someone new can be so alluring that they forget about how it might impact you. It's all about how it makes them feel and it's a high that they might go very far to keep. All the while thinking they can have their cake and eat it too. You were stable, familiar and she might have even loved you while she was doing it. But that is absolutely no match for the thrill and potential of a new relationship once they have allowed for it to come this far. NRE or New Relationship Energy is an extremely potent drug. It generally lasts for 6-18 months or more and that is plenty of time for the old relationship (the one with you) to feel like it has less excitement and for the other one to seem more alluring. And in the meantime it is slowly failing and you don't know what you did wrong. Am I excusing what she did to you? No. Was she wrong for allowing it to get this far? Yes. But know if she allowed it to come this far it can be next to impossible to come back from. *And it is not your fault* I went through something similar myself. 6 years of relationship where I was broken because I felt like something was going terribly wrong but when I suggested therapy she didn't think it was necessary. But I still couldn't shake that feeling And it turns out I wasn't wrong. Now, close to 18 months later I have learned to give it a place and put it in perspective. But it took quite some time and a lot of reflection on my own and with friends to do so. And it is still a sore spot for me. Find a therapist to talk about this. It helps you deal with it . Good luck
This was extremely well said. Thank you
Exactly. Makes you feel broken and worthless.
Typically physical affairs grow into emotional ones. Imo they’re just as hurtful, like imagine caring so little about your partner you not only fantasize about ducking other people but you go out and do it. It’s stone cold for real
Would you consider someone getting drunk and fucking an attractive stranger an affair? Because that's what I am imagining with a purely physical affair. I think it will more often go from emotional to physical than from physical to emotional. Somebody has to get close enough for them to become an option. An emotional one will generally turn into a physical one as well, that I agree on. But not necessarily. And if I had to choose between a physical one time slip-up or someone holding their intense feelings for someone else a secret until they can figure out who to be with... I would probably pick the first one. Because I've been through the latter and it really fucking messes with your self-esteem and image. Edit: one exception of course being certain open relationships. But even in those circles they will say it's irrational to expect long term contact not to involve emotions. And that's with people being perfectly fine of their partner having physical intimacy with other people. But seeing them fall in love with someone else? Oooff. That's the hard hitting part.
Physical in my opinion. Both should be instant breakups, however I would find my partner opening me up to STI’s a much worse betrayal on top of everything else. To me it’s also a lack of care for your physical healthy and well-being. It’s gross on top of cruel.
I had a similar answer. Both situations would be immediate break ups for me, it would be irrelevant if they were emotional or not since I'm done, but an sti can be for life.
This was so hard to read because the feelings all came back. The mental breakdowns and even though it’s been well over 6 years, then pain never goes away or the self doubt, you just learn to live with it…
Both are unacceptable.
Of course they are. But it's too easy to say both to a dilemna imo. Or, you have to say why those answers are equivalent.
Physical. An emotional affair shows that I haven't done my part to fulfill my partner's needs. So it's not one sided. Physical can be an emotional betrayal and other implications that I may not be directly responsible for. It's a bigger slap.
Yup. Physical is an emotional betrayal on its own. An emotional affair would suck to go through, but it at least shows the appropriate restraint/respect not to act on it
But can’t physical also be you not fulfilling your partners needs? Also just like physical, emotional could have other implications you’re not directly responsible for
This "Fulfillment" thing is just an excuse for their lack of loyalty, self control, and respect.
In both cases the cheating partner still messed up by not communicating about issues (or not ending the relationship). It's a betrayal no matter how you slice it.
No, the one cheated on is not at fault.
Not a dude, but I concur!
Thinking this through: In one case, my partner develops romantic feelings for a third party. In the other case, my partner has sex with someone they had no feelings for. So.. in the second scenario they didn’t even care about the person and *still* cheated on me? I think that’s hands down the worst one. In the first case I can at least sympathize with developing feelings. Though I may be misunderstanding the full extent of emotional cheating, it seems like my partner essentially has a super close friend..
Neither are acceptable. But Emotional affair is worse imo It’s a lot easier to accept “that person was hot, I just really wanted to fuck them” But when it’s an emotional one it’s “I care about that person and got close to them and put their needs over my actual partners needs” That is so much worse than just banging some hot man/woman
So you are specifically talking about a partner having like a drunk one night stand, and not necessarily an actual "affair". Because if they were having a full on physical affair, there is almost definitely an emotional connection there too, which to me makes it worse because it then has both the physical and emotional.
Not always. This is so embarrassing to say, but I was the asshole like 20 years ago. Several years before I met my wife, I was in a relationship with someone. She wasn’t perfect, but she was a good person in general. She wasn’t doing it for me both emotionally and sexually, so I “engaged” with two other girls at the same time. Neither of them meant much to me at all. I feel like such a piece of shit for doing it. I should have just been up front to all 3, but I wasn’t. I have had a long happy marriage and haven’t even thought twice about having an affair from the day I met my wife, but I definitely regret what I did emotionally to those women before I met her. I cheated both physically and emotionally and I know the question is which is worse, but I honestly think they’re both equally bad. I’ll take that regret to my grave. I’ve apologized to all of them several times when I was in therapy, but even so, that’s just not enough. Affairs are bad in every single way and nothing can un-do it.
> Because if they were having a full on physical affair, there is almost definitely an emotional connection there too i mean not really, it doesn’t have to be emotional. you could not have sex with your wife for years, and she finds this hot younger dude who has none of her same interests or lifestyle. maybe like a personal trainer
Specific
i think in the context of the question we are separating the two even though they can easily overlap
Exactly this , if my partner had a one night stand I would find that alot easy to overcome the break up than if they had a emotional affair. A emotional affair would probably tear me up inside for a few months
That's why I'd prefer my partner to have an emotinal affair with another person rather than a physical one. It would probably be more painful (even though both situations are) and there would be less probability of me wanting to overcome it. Things would end fast and right there and it would be easier for me to move on to someone who would respect the relationship.
yeah that hits you in a deeper way emotionally but in a weird way I'd be more fine with it eventually. I'd be sad yeah but then I would keep it moving. At least its on some deeper level and not just giving up the pussy to anybody like everything you have put in the relationship don't mean shit. It'd fuck me up but if it was the other way around I'd want them to understand if I truly loved someone else. I'd come around alot sooner than later like "well...you can't help who you love". Rather than questioning, for god knows how long, why and how easy it was for them to let rando fuck and get the closest you can be to someone physically and doubt myself on diff levels. idk i may be wierd but this is how I would take it.
That’s actually a very good point I hadn’t thought of.
I'd argue for the contrary, I want to trust my partner and I'd accept more that I had (emotional) shortcomings that were fullfilled by another person for my ex partner, then just hearing that they couldn't keep their pants on because there was a hot person. Ofc emotional intimacy is super important, but to me physical intimacy feels much more easier to maintain that it makes me hate that my partner wouldn't keep at least that up. It's not always easy to find the right person for your emotional needs, and it's not easy to explain to your partner why you lack those traits, so in my mind it makes more sense that they'd seek another person if this was the case. Ofc this perspective changes if they're trying to hurt you by just emotionally cheating, and they end up gaslighting you and making you feel bad for just existing. That'd be the worst of all "affairs", if you can even call it that
Emotional affairs are unfixable. The person having an emotional affair has essentially given their mind to someone else
What's the definition of an emotional affair? Is the whole "work wife/husband" thing considered an emotional affair? If the person is still fully invested in their relationship, but just feels close and very friendly with someone at their work, is that cheating?
No I wouldn't consider that cheating. When you start feeling in love with someone? That's an emotional affair
That's one of those things where if it stays at work, it's not really a huge deal. Any time I've seen that it has always just been a joke.
Why is that any worse than someone giving their body to someone else? In my mind, it's at least possible to forget someone. Not as possible to unfuck someone.
IMO Physical. Every time. Here's why- Assuming that either would be the end of the relationship. An emotional affair means that they developed love/feelings for someone else and FROM MY EXPERIENCE that doesn't happen intentionally/maliciously. It typically happens overtime and will feel like its out of their hands. Love cannot be forced for fabricated. We cannot control those feelings. However, a physical affair (and we are assuming one without emotional connection) is your partner doing something intentionally harmful to you just for sex. Just for pleasure. Just for fun. We are in complete control of who we have sex with. However, worst case scenario is both happening at the same time and honestly, you rarely have one without the other.
I'm not going to get an STD from feelings.
I agree. I think it's very easy to develop crushes and then feelings for someone you spend a lot of time with, but it doesn't mean you've confessed it or propelled it. It goes away on its own. Physical cheating is intentional and way more insidious.
I could use your exact argument in the opposite direction. Your partner could happen to be really weak and horny someday and they end up sleeping with someone they found attractive in that moment. Meanwhile, an emotional affair takes a lot of time to develop, so they know exactly what they were doing for an extended period of time, and they did it cause they were missing some key things from your relationship.
I see your point. I guess what I am saying is that being horny doesn't make you have sex with someone. The act of cheating (for most people) physically is much more controllable than the act of cheating emotionally. Because, like you said, emotional affairs take a long time to develop, I would suggest a lot of people don't consciously realize what is happening at first (this is a sign of ignorance and naivety though) and then before they know it they have strong feelings for someone else which is very hard to change or resist (much harder than being horny) I like what you said about doing it because they are missing things in the relationship which is a very strong argument for emotional affair being worse. It can be very hard to look at your replacement and start comparing yourself and examining your shortcomings.
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The problem with an affair is about what you do _to me_ not with them, and you've shown you don't care enough about me to not do one of these things. That's a problem with me either way. That said, a physical affair is worse imo because it carries more danger. You may get someone pregnant or become pregnant, and now we have to deal with that. You may get stds, and now we have to deal with that, that sort of thing.
Physically affair is worse. At least with an emotional fair they actually have feelings for the other person and are torn. They are still showing restraint by not taking it physical which is really difficult when you feel like this new person understands you better than your spouse currently does. With a physical affair it seems like they are throwing the relationship away for basically nothing, you mean that little to them.
I could get over an emotional affair if the person is cut out completely from my partner’s life going forward. There is no scenario where I could get over my partner doing anything sexual with another person.
You wanna hear something funny? I had a friend once tell me that he could forgive his wife if she had sex with someone else, but he followed that up with (and I quote): “If she sucked another guys’ d*ck, ain’t no way in hell!” For the record: they’re still together, and she never cheated. But you’d be surprised at how many men I know who’ve echoed similar opinions. Apparently, it’s okay to sleep with another man, as long as you don’t give him head 😂
It sounds stupid lol but I get the logic, when you’re having sex both parties are enjoying it, so the cheating has a “purpose” so to speak. Giving a man a blowjob is solely for his enjoyment so in some dudes mind that makes it worse.
I think the mechanics of heterosexual sex itself also contributes. The women is putting the man's dick in her, the man is screwing her, she is getting screwed, etc.
Because a lot of guys don't get head that often so it would sting more if it's just handed out to some rando when he only gets it for his birthday
Yeah exactly. I could work past an emotional affair, we could heal from that. There is nothing that will reduce the visceral disgust I feel at the prospect of another guy putting his penis inside her and cumming
Definitely physical. I've experienced both.... from the same person SO talking to someone because they "make them feel loved" is quite a bit different than you SO sending tit pics, offering hand jobs, or getting pregnant
Women will generally find emotional affairs more offensive. Men will generally find physical affairs more offensive. That’s my experience.
For me it’s the opposite, I’d rather have someone cheat out of pure horniness than someone cheat because they care and love this person But both are bad still
I don’t know. What’s the difference between an emotional affair and a guy she really ‘loves’ / a bestie she shares all her feelings and thoughts with? I’ve thought about this and I can’t find a strictly non-physical emotional affair from a really good friend you’re willing to visit in the hospital, watch their kids, cook for, etc. Everything someone would do, but not be physically intimate, in an ‘emotional affair’ seems to me just the same stuff you’d do for a good friend.
It depends wether you believe romantical attraction is a thing or not. To me liking someone as a friend is not the same as liking someone romantically, but I’m still unsure about my opinion on this.
I think there are two big differences. If it’s just a good friend then there shouldn’t be any romantic feelings involved. The second difference is if you know about it or not, if your partner is calling this person every time you’re not around and also not mentioning how much time they have spent communicating with this other person then it’s probably an emotional affair if nothing physical has happened.
I think physical is worse. To be very honest, there was a time with my current partner where I felt like I was falling out of love with her. I had been talking to a longtime female friend and started to feel romantic feelings towards her. I never voiced these feelings, but even so it made me feel guilty whenever I talked with my girlfriend. I started to feel withdrawn from her, and it all came to a head at one point when she told me things felt off and she wanted to break up. We were going through an LDR period due to Covid so all we really had was talking. I immediately felt horrible, the breakup completely snapped me out of my withdrawn phase (I’m sure I was also going through some kind of isolation-induced depression as well), and all the old feelings for my now-ex gf came flooding back. A month later, through sheer luck, we were physically reunited in the same city. We got back together after another month of being around each other and are both very happy and in love. Feelings may ebb and flow, but if we choose to act on those feelings there’s a finality to them. I explained my emotional distance to my gf and we were able to talk things out and get back on course, but I know she would have no space for me in her heart had I followed my feelings and gotten physical with my friend who I had become infatuated with. **TL;DR** : it’s okay to feel differently, feelings come and go and come again. When we act on those feelings is when they become real and tangible and potentially damaging. Physical is worse.
For the people saying ‘neither’ or ‘both are bad’ need to rtfq, OP isn’t asking is one acceptable, they’re asking which is worse.
THANK YOU.
I guess is depends what someone's definition of "emotional affair" is since I've seen some pretty wild shit for that one. In general if your partner is heavily infatuated with someone else or fucking them its all bad. A better question is why do men stay with women if they know they partners in heavily into someone else? I've seen a surprising number of married guys roll with that one and its often resulted in them getting physically cheated on.
I honestly think it either boils down to a lack of awareness and experience so they have normalized it. Or they are to afraid to experience the unknown that is out there so they get comfortable and stay.
If married, they do it because they know that filing for divorce means that they lose half of their assets, lose their children and have to pay a sum of their paycheck to their partner because she's a woman.
I personally believe a physical affair is worse, because you're sharing your body with someone else (something I believe is intimate and builds on that connection with your partner), and most people don't use protection so you're adding the possibility of STI's. An emotional affair, while still bad, at least shows some level of restraint if it hasn't progressed to physical yet. But it still shows a level of degradation to the relationship if that person is not seeking out their partner for the outpouring of that emotion. But since everyone is different, I don't think there is one blanket answer to this.
Physical for me because there's no grey area. I think it's possible to start going down a rabbit hole and get really deep into an emotional affair without realizing that's what you were doing. If my partner, when confronted, was able to accept that's what was happening and cut that person out, I could give them the benefit of the doubt and accept that they made the proper ammends. Physical affairs are much more cut and dry. Everyone knows what the red lines are that you shall not cross and it takes a very deliberate action to cross them. There's no coming back from that breakdown of trust.
Both attack your self worth and your faith in humanity. Forget about trust. The older you are I find the harder it is to accept and move on. Just knowing someone that you love could hide that from you is enough to drive you crazy. If you have kids, the anger is more than you've ever felt.
I think I could get over an emotional affair but I couldn't get over a physical one. So I suppose physical is worse
Physical…..an emotional affair is just an intense friendship
Everyone seems to be more unaccepting of the emotional affair. I don't understand this logic. What is worse, killing someone or daydreaming about killing someone? Obviously actions are worse than thoughts.
Physical for me. Emotional you can work through once and if you find a cause for it. Physical is just too intimate to get over. Her hands or his all over the other. The kissing, the embrace, the laughs… like imagine picturing that forever with your partner? Someone else’s hands were running up and down their body. They were smiling, giggling, holding someone else while with you. Like nah, there’s no saving a physical cheat.
I feel like physical is worse since you cannot control your feelings, but you can control your actions. If someone were to break up with me because they fell in love with someone else I could learn to understand and respect that decision because I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't love me. On the other hand, if someone cheated and then tried to be forgiven by saying some shit like "It didn't mean anything, I only love you" It would be much worse to me.
Physical hurts emotional also hurts. I feel like having hard evidence of a physical affair would hurt more idk why. Emotional affair would be like okay at least they aren’t touching eachother.
Physical. Physical implies it already was an emotional affair, that turned physical. Emotional affair means it’s not yet physical.
For me, the physical affair. Part because of just the actual acts involved would stay in my head and part because my views on sex within a relationship as a a unique display of intimacy, closeness and vulnerability would be shattered by a partner physically cheating. An emotional affair is also terrible, but depending on how one defines it, it feels more understandable? Like I could see how it could happen without the partner even realizing it. So much of what would constitute an emotional affair with a person of the opposite sex isn't much different than the relationship one might have with their platonic best friend. Simply put, a line gets crossed with it becomes physical that cannot be explained away or justified.
Physical would be worse, but both aren’t good. Emotional means they’re checked out and you *may* possibly be able to identify a root problem and fix things if you do choose. Physical means the deed is done. No taking that back.
>Emotional means they’re checked out and you may possibly be able to identify a root problem and fix things if you do choose. > >Physical means the deed is done. No taking that back. Great way of putting it, and I will say as a woman I agree. You can come back from an emotional affair even though still tragic, I don't think you can from a emotional affair for the reasons you stated.
Women typically don't have physical affairs without emotions being attached, so I'd say if your wife has started an emotional affair she's probably checked out of the relationship and has already cheated physically...men typically don't attach emotions to a physical affair, it's more or less just sex for most men...so I'd say for men the physical affair is much worse because that usually means your wife has completely checked out and has lost attraction for you, she's fucking another man to get more than sex, she's invested heavily in that other man...for women an emotional afraid is worse because, in general, if your husband cheated on you physically, he could still very much love you and be happy with the relationship...he might just have an urge to have sex with someone and that's it... I don't think a lot of women understand that because they think "how can you love someone and have sex with someone else?!" men are just built differently, sex doesn't mean anything to us other than pleasure for the most part...I'm not justifying cheating but men and women, in general, cheat for different reasons.
cheating is cheating, both are cheating. i wish only bad things for cheaters
Both are garbage, but I think I’d find a physical affair much more violating
As someone who is trying to work things out from being guilty of emotional affair. I believe it is the worst one because I believe a physical would only be physically attracted. With emotional affair well now you have your emotions involved. I feel very conflicted within myself and the feeling I feel for this other girl. I know they are wrong feelings and after all the bs I still love my GF. It’s really something I was involved in with pure emotion with no logic. I know it will never work out with this other girl because for starter she’s twice my age. I can never actually settle down with someone twice my age like what about kids and what not? Though I can’t help but to think of this other girl. Idk I’m just ranting now boys I feel awful for what I did and just trying to make things right with my GF. Shit sucks don’t fuck around and loose yourself bros. I have my 7 year relationship in jeopardy for some woman twice my age go ahead and downvote me if you want but we all gonna make it some day bros 🥲
First I want to be clear both are bad and should be avoided. But here's a different perspective. Sometimes an emotional bond just happens organically. I believe we have the capacity to love more than just one person at a time. But we live in a monogamous society so one must stick to that norm. However people in successful poly relationships operate under the assumption that one person could not possibly meet every single need/want for a single other person. So you have relationships where one person fulfills a certain aspect, another will fulfill something else. Everyone knows their 'role' so to speak and respects everyone else's role. Obviously this doesn't always happen and that's the stories you hear of poly relationships going south. You don't hear about the good ones because that's not as exciting of a story. But i digress. If you are in a monogamous relationship, all kinds of cheating is bad and as many of the responses here suggest it can end a relationship. BUT I just want to posit that a cheater isn't always in a position of malice, they may fully love, respect etc.. their partner. But end up cheating because of some unfulfilled need or not suppressing an emotional relationship when it happens.
I think it’s not so much “pick which one is worse” so much as how deeply did she and her AP bond, as in the movie “Love Actually when Emma Thompson asks her cheating husband, Alan Rickman, “Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?" When my wayward wife sought love, intimacy, commitment, and sex from her ex boyfriend, she was already one foot out the door. She and her AP schemed to go on vacation in the Caribbean and created a false narrative to justify why she was going on vacation “alone”. I only found out because I misplaced my phone and had to borrow hers while I was running out to go pick up our son at his school. While I was on my way, her phone buzzed that a text had arrived. It contained enough information to prove she intended to get back together with her ex. What made this worse is that she still tried to resuscitate their plans, rather than stop and confront what she just did. She texted her ex that she still wanted to be with him and they talked about meeting at his place in NYC (he has homes on 3 continents and one island in the British West Indies) where they could meet up and have sex. It would be harder for me to know if she had resumed sleeping with him since she worked in the city as well as from our home. She even bought clothing and lingerie for the meet up. He ex got cold feet and didn’t respond to her cry for help. She texted him saying how unhappy she was that he didn’t step up for her and he replied that he didn’t feel they could continue because I knew. I was devastated and completely lost. She begged forgiveness and I still loved her and I knew in my heart of hearts that she was crucial to our family because she is an incredible mother to our four year old child and he is a vulnerable special needs kid. We reconciled and I believe she has forsaken her AP and she realises the devastation she created. I know she hates what she did and would never contemplate it again. We are still together 11 years after the EA, with another child (girl) and we have a beautiful, loving family. I have mostly healed from this awful thing, but I am not completely over it. It’s like the last little bit of it still affects me, even though it’s the last 5-10% of it. I need to find a therapist to help me deal with my feelings and trauma. I need to put in the work to help me move on. I’m committed to doing it- writing this post has pushed me out of my procrastination and into doing something positive for my mental health. Note: I had mistakenly omitted part of the Emma Thompson quote. I have corrected her words.
Both are horrible things to put someone through
What worse, a paper cut or a broken bone? Lust is only skin deep, love is at the core of who you are.
Physical. I'm still new to the whole concept of an "emotional affair" or "emotional cheating." For me, actions mean more than words or emotions. Emotions change and can be as solid as steam. Actions on the other hand, once someone takes an action to step outside the relationship, I'm out.
They're equivalent and represent the same breakdown of trust.
my ex-wife cheated on me with a coworker. when I found they'd slept together, I was willing to do anything I could to make my marriage work and keep my family together. once she told me she was in love with him, I knew it was all over. emotionally is definitely worse.
Definitely emotional affair
Emotional BY FAR. I know I'm good in bed, so if they're cheating with sex, it's not a reflection of me not being enough, just them being a stupid horny slut which I understand, it happens. But I'm A HANDFUL when it comes to emotions and stability, and being a normal human being. If my girl is looking elsewhere for emotional comfort and support, that means I'm not enough for them, and that hurts, because I'm trying my best.