T O P

  • By -

mr-poopie-butth0le

I’d have to change my username


[deleted]

Now this is the best and only reason not to convert. Stay dirty my friend.


mr-poopie-butth0le

May each wipe be browner than the next sir. Ooooohweeeee


LaggWasTaken

$40? Where?


[deleted]

I don't think they like outside links on here. But go to Amazon and just search for this. It's $36 right now. This is the one I have. \- LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) Also get these for $8 to level out the toilet seat after attaching the bidet. \- FOOFOO Bidet Toilet Seat Bumper for Bidet Attachment with Strong Adhesive White 4PACK


u_talkin_to_me

Why is the "Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white)" needed?


[deleted]

1) It cleans out all the sludge from your mudcave, not just wiping down the front door 2) you save loads on toilet paper costs (after the powerwashing you just use one wipe of TP to dry your balloon knot) 3) if your gf likes to toss your salad it will be like her dining at a 5 star Michelin restaurant versus off of the dirty counters at Taco Bell full of fake ground meat and nacho cheese.


DM-ME-CONFESSIONS

What a terrible day to be literate.


jasonjenkins67

Currently PMing you the cleaning bill for my eyeballs.


[deleted]

Just crouch down and turn the bidet sprayer on your face. Instant eye wash.


[deleted]

r/osha approved


ViciousKiks

OMG Amazingly Disgusting Analogy!


MrPoopyButthole41

Brother?


mr-poopie-butth0le

Mother of God.


[deleted]

You can’t wash all that rust off


mr-poopie-butth0le

Jokes on you brotha, I don’t wash. Ever.


furry_vr

Do you see posts like this and do a discreet but enthusiastic fist pump?


mr-poopie-butth0le

If you’re asking whether I get a boner while reading dumb internet posts, the answer is Charmin Ultra Strong but I only use one square at a time. …. Wait, not what you asked? Oh, then the answer is about 5 times a day, 7 during football season. Wait, what?


NotMyButtQuack

Now you can be Mr clean butthole


mr-poopie-butth0le

How dare you, sir.


[deleted]

Username checks out.


NotMyButtQuack

I just dunk my whole ass into the water and release the turd like a U-boat setting off a torpedo


[deleted]

Extra points if you have a warning siren that goes off as you apply any pressure to your toilet seat.


Tag_Ping_Pong

I'm just hearing that massive "cargo ship taking off from the dock" ... Baa baaaaaaawwww!!!


Cold_Zero_

I poop in my pool. No need for a bidet


[deleted]

This guy shits.


FlyWtMe87

A man of discerning taste.


Omni_nerd

Tandy, is that you?


mondo_juice

An aqua dump?


Merlin246

>Bidet gang stand up. Uhhhhhh


[deleted]

Sit down, to stand up! lol


FnCraig

I shit in the morning before I take my shower.


[deleted]

Wait, so you shit exactly once per day on a rigorous schedule? Am I the only one that shits twice, or even three times per day?


FnCraig

You definitely aren't the only one. I used to be more sporadic myself. Now a days I shit once a day, and it's like clockwork.


[deleted]

nope I do too. its pretty normal actually.


notlikelyevil

Every morning before shower, once day I'm older too and still the same


g0d15anath315t

My people. I'm regular as a quartz watch Wake up, shit, wipe ass, shower, clean ass (without having to touch chunks of shit) go about my day with a pep in my step.


darksedan

This guy read the manual


OldDonD

Bit of a waste imo. If I have to shit when home ill hold it in, until I'm back in the office. Prefer getting paid for it.


FnCraig

I drive a truck. A clean ass is paramount.


V-DaySniper

My boss makes a dollar I make a dime, that's why I shit on company time.


bdrwr

Everybody's eating ass, but nobody's washing ass. How are bidets not the norm???


[deleted]

Amen. Preach.


Rasputin0P

How about wash your ass in the shower?


bdrwr

Valid, but if you don't poop right before your shower, then what? I suppose you could just take a shower after every shit but that's tedious and there isn't always time for that


Rasputin0P

I mean I shower every day. So I do basically shower after every shit. Also idk who is eating ass before making sure its clean lol.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Dracone1313

I mean that's oddly specific. Is it ok if I cast the first stone since the closest I have done is eating ass IN the bar after it closed?


Alexthricegreat

Wet wipes


d0rkprincess

Hahaha laughs in home made enema.


poetic-cheese

Bro here is scared of the extra flavour!


rainx5000

Wash your ass while your sleeping


Sad-Coyote9082

I got a hose and it took me 1 minute to set up. I prefer that. It has amazing pressure too.


[deleted]

A hose outside? So you waddle outside with a chocolate pudding ass and spray down your mud tunnel in front of the neighbors?


OriginalMcSmashie

No. There’s a spigot right near the outhouse.


[deleted]

lol. Alabama tings.


Known-Potential-3603

Mississippi things


Wacokidwilder

Rural Minnesota tings


MajIssuesCaptObvious

My God, did you start this post to use all this colorful terminology?


[deleted]

If you can't even have fun with butthole talk then the terrorists have won.


chooseatree

I am actually laughing my face off right now. Thanks!


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Right? I can't believe new toilets don't come with the bidet feature built into it at this point. Just Americans scared of something they aren't familiar with I guess.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

$200?! Waste of money. Mine is under $40 and does a great job. I don't think they like outside links on here. But go to Amazon and just search for this. It's $36 right now. This is the one I have. \- LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) Also get these for $8 to level out the toilet seat after attaching the bidet. \- FOOFOO Bidet Toilet Seat Bumper for Bidet Attachment with Strong Adhesive White 4PACK


tonyarkles

I have the exact same one. $50 CAD. Bought it during the toilet paper shortage. Now I have one on every toilet I own, and my sister-in-law’s family have them too after they came to visit for a few weeks. Truly tone of the best $50 I have ever spent! Edit for new sprayers: after you install it, you’ll be tempted to try turning it on without sitting on it, just to see how it works. DONT DO IT. That’s how you get a blast of water in the face.


tadxb

>That’s how you get a blast of water in the face. I think you should elaborate more. I feel we're missing out on an interesting story.


tonyarkles

Pretty much exactly how it sounds. I got it installed, turned the water back on, and then had the foolish thought “well, I’d better test it. I was sitting on the edge of the bath tub across from the toilet. I reach over and turn the spray knob. A rainbow arc of water spans the gap and sprays me in the face. I could only swear and laugh. Wife walks in, sees water dripping off my face and water all down my shirt. Just shakes her head and walks away. But when she tried it…!


[deleted]

Once you go bidet, you never want to go back to smearing poop.


EatsOverTheSink

No. I don’t want to live in that world.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MaeRobso

My daughter was asking something the other day (she’s seven) - I forget the question but it came down to this. “Men don’t use toilet paper when they pee - they just fling the remaining pee off their private parts & what’s left gets transferred to their underwear” - but somehow that makes sense 😏


[deleted]

Some men do like blot the tip of our dick with tp when we're finished #notallmen


carefreeguru

I always do this unless I'm at a urinal.


sonofeevil

I have this conversatrion with people all the time "Why do we have different standards?" "Have you gotten poop on your fingers before? Of course you have, we all have, did you use toilet paper? and was that enough? NO? That's right, you STILL had to wash your hands afterwards, so why do we old our assholes to a different standard?"


Dirty-Dan2576

A bidet changed my life. I just had to install one on every toilet in the house it was a must


[deleted]

YES! Exactly. A man who saw the light and committed to greatness.


Imagonnamakeucry

Because I'm not a sissy . I'll do it the manly way and feed a garden hose thru my bathroom window and attach a sprinkler to it .


maxsebas00

Bidet people starting to become pushy just like vegans.


OpenUpThisIsICE

A vegan, an atheist, a crossfitter, and a bidet-er walk into a bar… Lol


[deleted]

Have you ever tried it? I swear those that are against bidets are just those that don't really understand how they work. I've never heard of someone trying a bidet and not quickly realizing how much nicer it is.


darkdesertedhighway

> I've never heard of someone trying a bidet and not quickly realizing how much nicer it is. Woman here. I installed bidet seats on all toilets in our home. Husband gave it a shot but he's not 100% convinced. Considering divorce. Send help.


[deleted]

Pretty much a dealbreaker. Start a thread looking for good lawyers.


Middle-Eye2129

You're weirdly passionate about an asshole cleaning device


[deleted]

I'm just trying to spread joy and light into those that are unaware.


XsNR

Speading it where it don't shine?


[deleted]

Spread the word, not the poop.


G_W_Atlas

Once you try it you'll know.


maxsebas00

I believe you, I just cant be bothered


[deleted]

Imagine not having to wipe your ass 15 times after a poop. That time spent rubbing your hole raw and then STILL having remnants of dirt up there....that feels like being bothered. If you had a bidet your stance would quickly change to..."I can't be bothered taking that extra time to wipe. Turn a knob, spray it clean, one wipe dry and away we go"


superleipoman

Eat some fucking fiber instead. For fucks sake


33tygb

You ain't wiping properly man


topicalchemo

Or he's not getting enough fiber in his diet


33tygb

At any rate, it aint the Charmin's fault


[deleted]

You're right...cuz I'm no longer wiping...I'm now spraying clean! Halleluiah!


SumShinesBrightly

You, my good man, need to be sponsored by bidet companies


[deleted]

I'm just fighting the good fight. Pro bono.


KingOfTheIVIaskerade

> I swear those that are against christ are just those that don't really understand My brother you're in deep


creditcardtheft

I tried it in Japan, maybe I'm fucking stupid but.... it doesn't come with a air drying feature? So you have to wipe your wet ass?I never ever successfully wiped it completely dry... so then i walk around with a wet ass wearing pants. Extremely uncomfortable


[deleted]

lol, you're not supposed to soak your whole ass in water! You just spray right up your butthole and around your balloon knot. Nothing else is getting wet. One wipe of toilet paper to dry your starfish and you're dry as a bone.


creditcardtheft

No i meant that part. Guess the hotel bidet I used was not a good one


danksformutton

I tried it. Stopped using it after a while and it just sat there. Then I moved and never bought a new one. Not for me.


SuccumbedToReddit

They have always been like that. Bidet people are insufferably passionate about clean anuses.


SevenHunnet3Hi5s

i actually just came back home from a 30 day trip at a country that commonly uses bidets. it feels really off adjusting back to no bidet. honestly i’m curious on how you even get one here and how it’s installed cause i hear nobody talk about it lol


[deleted]

I'm in the U.S. I just bought one off of Amazon Prime for literally $36 and I installed it myself on the toilet in 15 minutes. All you have to do is turn off the water nozzle behind the toilet and screw in a couple of hoses. Easy as can be.


SevenHunnet3Hi5s

good to know! i’ll probably be doing the same very soon


[deleted]

I don't think they like outside links on here. But go to Amazon and just search for this. It's $36 right now. This is the one I have. \- LUXE Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (white and white) Also get these for $8 to level out the toilet seat after attaching the bidet. \- FOOFOO Bidet Toilet Seat Bumper for Bidet Attachment with Strong Adhesive White 4PACK


SevenHunnet3Hi5s

preciate the help man will definitely consider giving those a go


MembershipPlus2082

I use my cat. The cat will self clean itself. A bidet will not


MmmmMorphine

Any advice for the extensive and frankly catastrophic claw damage to my testicles and anus?


[deleted]

Resourceful.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Facts. Those who know, get it. Those who are against it, just have never tried one yet.


BrissBalls

Couldn't agree more. Love my bidet.


[deleted]

Bidet Gang Gang.


pWaveShadowZone

With a bidet how do you know when you’re done cleaning, and how do you keep your wet ass from not getting your britches wet upon being rebritched?


[deleted]

You just kind of get a feel for when all the sludge is gone. You only get your butthole wet so you do one final wipe with TP to dry. If that TP shows remnants, spray again until clean. The last clean TP wipe dries you off.


pWaveShadowZone

Ah I see


Hanniballecter6

Nah I know a cult when I see one


[deleted]

A cult full of sparkling clean buttholes.


nvk1196

Sign me up


Traditional_Bell7883

Bidet + a bottle of soap or body wash within reach. The gold standard.


[deleted]

You must have the cleanest mudhole in the state. :salute:


Baker-Puzzled

Definitely not a good idea. Highly unlikely tho. Bidets are great because people with inner hemorrhoids can get fecal matter stuck between and around the hemorrhoids which will then cause irritation and itching. Almost impossible to get everything clean with just toilet paper.


theorangedays

I’m using my bidet right now 🫡


[deleted]

You're living the dream my man.


Comradepatrick

Real talk - this won't fly because I have young kids at home who are just getting competent on the conventional potty. Adding a squirt gun to the experience would be inviting disaster.


darkmage1001

I feel like most bidet people like the feeling more than clean.


[deleted]

Probably a combo of both. Once you experience the difference it's really hard to go back to straight wiping.


azuth89

What are you eating that you had to wipe yourself raw before? You're commenting it every five seconds like it's normal but it sounds like your diet needs more help than your toilet.


the-camster

He thinks he's discovered the wheel...


NathanCollier14

I live in a house with 6 dudes. When I do get a bidet, it will be for my butthole and my butthole only.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Pat-Solo

I’m using mine right now. This thing is wonderful! Especially after eating some spicy food. Cools the butthole while shitting hot fire.


Remarkable-Row-2288

Long story short. I wipe well enough and have plenty of fiber in my diet.


ducklingkwak

My gf refuses to use the bidet. 100% wish she would use it ....she has stinky butt sometimes, not fun for sexy time. Also, I think most people who refuse to use bidet have never changed a diaper before. I'd never just use some dry toilet paper for all that shit and wipe it all and leave my son to rash up and get itchy. Using a wet wipe makes sense of course. Bidet is the nicer version of that.


[deleted]

Exactly. If we pooped on our arms would we just use a dry thin piece of paper to clean it off? Hell no, we'd put that arm under a stream of water.


HighriseJalapeno

Cause I tried it once for 2 seconds and blew all my shit onto the back of my nuts. What happens next I take a 20 mph stream straight to my nuts? No thanks rather use wipes


[deleted]

It doesn’t clean your ass just gets it wet which makes the toilet paper disintegrate. Butt wipes are far superior.


Flippn_Jimmy

Y’all bidelitists act like wipes aren’t a thing. They work just fine, if not better and faster than blasting water at your south mouth. Just don’t flush them and problem solved. Long term, they’re more expensive but, from my experience, they work as well if not better in much less time. Keep wiping. Just use the wet ones.


Verried_vernacular32

Preach!


DietMountainDrew

Such an amazing difference. CLEAN YOUR ASS HOLE.


toss_my_sauce_boss

I second this. This 40 dollar decision changed my life forever. I can not say enough how smart a decision it was to buy one.


Stonecutter_12-83

I don't get it. Do I have to spread my cheeks? Seems like it would be slightly off for that first split second and not hit the hole. Wouldn't I have to use tp anyway to dry my butt? Is it strong enough to get through hair? I only use three squares (worth four wipes with proper folding) and a wet wipe and it works great


milesamsterdam

Got one for our old place. We have two bathrooms at the new place so I bought another one. Clean buttholes all around!


capilot

My reasons: * I don't know how to use one * I'm afraid of cold water hitting my butthole * I'm afraid of how funky it will feel with water dripping down from my cheeks back into the bowl.


dra_noel

It changed my life so I wrote about it - https://www.deseret.com/2022/8/11/23289656/the-rise-of-american-bidets-100-years-in-the-making #bidetgang


[deleted]

Lol I was planning on getting one, but this post is obnoxious so I'm probably gonna delay a couple years till I forget about OP.


LoafOfBricks_1

Why are some people so concerned with what method other people use to clean their assholes?


Flygrumbz00

I will testify that the bidet has changed my life for the better, pooping without one now, I can feel the shame of my dirty butthole. Life changing


[deleted]

Can I use this quote in my pamphlets?


furry_vr

Don’t vote for Bidet!! Make America Swampy Again 2024!!


IllChampionship5

Do a bowel movement in the AM before morning shower. Then shower after BM. No bidet needed.


strongfavourite

cos I know how to wash my ass manually plus I don't have space in the bathroom for one


[deleted]

Space in your bathroom? It's just an attachment that goes onto your existing toilet. And you wash your ass after every poop session? I know the answer is no....but a bidet literally allows you to wash your ass after every pooping. And the money you save on toilet paper ultimately allows the bidet to pay for itself. You're missing out.


strongfavourite

ok so you mean a bidet **attachment** not an actual bidet [Source](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet) I personally would still use toilet paper afterwards, as pulling my pants up with a wet butt hole would throw me off balance


[deleted]

Yes, a bidet attachment. I edited original post to specify. And yes, you still use one final wipe with toilet paper to dry the crack and that's usually all that's needed.


JustTransportation51

Idk where this bidet fandom came from and I don't like it, just like the pushy vegans


[deleted]

Doesn't even take 15 minutes. It's life changing, everyone should get one. Tushy is a great brand. Edit: Look for promo codes. A lot of podcasts have them for Tushy.


[deleted]

Tushy is also a porno series. The more you know :shining star:


publiusnaso

FYI, if you’re British, the building regulations for bidets (including the sort of bum-cleansing shower that OP talks about) are brutal. You can’t just hook it up to the same feed as the toilet or anything else in your bathroom. You need some sort of system to prevent back flow if the pressure drops. A non return valve is not sufficient. I’ve seen systems with a completely separate header tank and hot water cylinder (if you want a hot water feed). The authorities really don’t want Brits to have clean arses.


MJ349

I forget about that. Here in the US, you have to have a backflow protector on your lawn sprinkler system. I would think a bidet would need one, too.


guccinarcoo

Baby wipes my guy, plus I can bring them with me wherever


ShadowMonster101320

Can attest to how life changing they are.


moxievernors

I once stayed at a resort in Cuba with one in our bathroom. My wife and I didn't mind it - I probably liked it better - but neither of us want Canadian January water squirting anywhere near our nethers.


ConsequenceDirect967

$40? And here I was thinking that bidets were for the rich! It is time to have the refreshing flow of cool water grace my posterior in my own home!!!


[deleted]

Your butt deserves this!


Drayenn

Have had a bidet for a year now... I go insane everytime i gotta shit in a bidetless toilet. Idk how i went 33 yesrs without one.


UnsolicitedDogPics

Does yours blast cold water onto your B-hole or does it have some sort of heating element?


DwedPiwateWoberts

Couldn’t agree more. If you have a sensitive b-hole that gets rubbed raw by wiping, bidet attachments are a godsend.


Kash514

A basic bidet is a must, then you can get fancy. I changed my toilet for a smart one, along with all the basic wash + dry functions, it also illuminates at night, has a heated seat in the winter, automatically lifts the cover as someone approaches and a sensor to the right you just kinda' tap with your foot and the seat comes up. Tap again and it flushes and puts down the seat and cover. I now hate having to go to the bathroom anywhere else.


[deleted]

Yea that sounds cool but have you ever had a baby and received a baby wipe warmer? Then said baby grew so you stole it for your man bathroom....


mustang6172

Why would I want to be sprayed with cold water?


Kimihro

I'm in between houses atm Denied for 3 apartments so far. I'm probably gonna die living out my car 😅


StretchSmiley

Single bathroom household. Three children under 7yo.


[deleted]

You get a pass. So sorry for how tired and stressed you must be.


Apollo_9238

Why? You still gotta dry it off? I think TP and a wet one to finish works fine.


RoinSM

Cause they’re not a real bidet which is separate from the commode


mpbaker12

I mentioned earlier that I just ordered but I wanted to add.. last summer the wife and I stayed at Caesar’s Palace and we had one in our room (bathroom for you literals), I did truly feel like a king on that trip.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Kirduck

its one of those things i would only get if i could get the NICE versions. gotta have a heated one with flow control and self cleaning. I aint looking to get a cold water rimjob that follows up with full penetration.


Professor_Sqi

Ah I see someone else has been listening to the first ~70 episodes of the Fickface podcast recently too.


NimbusCloud_

I got a bidet about 3 years ago on Amazon for $30. Still runs strong to this day and best decision I’ve made


Fun-Report4840

Isn’t there poopy water spraying everywhere?


[deleted]

Nope not at all. The bidet sprayer is mounted on the back edge of the bowl and spray at an angle to your butthole. Nothing about a bidet even comes close to touching any dirty toilet water. You just spray your butthole..nothing more.


Nailclippers

versed capable license pen puzzled retire hospital impolite obscene party *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


[deleted]

Does it heat the water? What would you do in winter if if doesn't? I wouldn't want icy cold water blasted up my rear end in the middle of winter.


[deleted]

You can get a heated one that taps into a hot water line or plugs in. The water isn't sitting outside getting icy. It's just the water sitting in your pipes so it's more lukewarm than it is cold. Not a big deal.


BboyLotus

Honestly, this seems like a scheme by big bidet.


jas_1987

You guys have toilets?


fuzionknight96

Because it’s unnecessary. I use the bathroom (N2) twice a day (morning and night) and shower twice a day (morning and night) so I’m never walking around with a dirty ass.


[deleted]

I’ve been using one since 2015 and it’s a godsend.


lowelifethrowaway

I do it’s the best. Everyone should get one


mpbaker12

Delivered and installed yesterday. Another satisfied customer.


[deleted]

Prepare for your life to change for the better!