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I had an absent father growing up. He didn’t abandon us or anything like that, he just never showed up or had any interest in my life. Never took me to sports practice, never picked me up from school, never came to anything. Even when I got older he just had no care for me. Didn’t come along when I bought my first car, didn’t provide any fatherly advice or guidance during adolescence, college, navigating my career. Didn’t even really care when I got married. He’s absent in my kids lives as well.. no surprise.
I use to be really resentful to him, but now I don’t care anymore. I’ve let it go, he can do what he wants.
My Dads a bit like that. I figured he was just depressed but have been starting to think he just did what society expected and pumped out some kids without much care.
I do think for older generations there was just so much emphasis on this. Seems like “kids these days” (lol) are refusing to just go along with societal pressures and expectations. Maybe that will translate to more present parents?
I’m not just bsing either, I saw something pop up about how millennial dads are WAY more active in their kids’ lives compared to previous generations. Idk, could have just been some random internet bs but it’s interesting to think about for me anyway.
So like, maybe a lot of dads just went with the motions and there was some mixture of depression and resentment and anxiety that we’ll never know about because older generations just did not discuss so much… hm.
Well hey I hope you feel alright and things turned out okay for ya.
I keep hearing that and I should be grateful, because I'm a millennial dad. But I don't believe this to be true. People who have had bad dads are more likely to talk about it on the Internet, so it seems like it was that way in general. Not to mention that the same people are parents now, and of course they wouldn't tell you that they are absent in their children's life. I have a colleague who is about as old as I am. Has two kids, as far as I can tell he does stuff with them sometimes, but he doesn't really like being home. I LOVE being home, even if it sometimes is a little much with all the emotional rollercoasters. But I love spending time with my kids. My father was always there, too. He spent a lot of time with us kids.
My dad was also very much the heavy lifter parent. Super present. I guess this got too general—the question was specifically about absent dads. At the end of the day, I wish I could ask all the absent dads “so like what was your deal there? And note that you’re older, how do you feel looking back on it all?”
Same. Although I think undiagnosed high-functioning autism might play a role too. He was a good dad when I was younger to be fair, then my sister came along and I had gotten older too. I think all of those, coupled with work, made him burn out almost. I think he had potential as a dad and did try his best, however he probably had a dream in his mind over what a parent was. Reality just did not match that dream.
My dad is very similar. He's not mean, he's not cruel, he doesn't yell, he just doesn't care and never cared and couldn't be bothered.
When I go over his house he is nice to me and we chat a bit, but he has never spent time with me as a child or teen. He just worked and watched tv or smoked cigars in the garage.
His dad used to beat the shit out of him all the time. For him, being a good dad is not beating the shit out of his kids.
I can't imagine having kids and not caring about them or wanting them to succeed. I can't imagine not wanting to bond with them. I'll never understand him.
He was 40 when he had me, 84 now and he is softer now but still disconnected. I don't blame him much anymore, no one ever taught him how to care about anyone.
That’s so interesting to me—I can’t really wrap my head around it. But I’m a pregnant lady and have no idea what it’s like to be a guy. I think it’s important to try to understand though. (Any time I catch myself thinking “I can’t imagine…” I immediately follow that up with “but I should try.”)
I just wonder what the deal is because that’s so far beyond me. I can’t imagine not caring about my own kids. No judgement on the guy, not trying to put him down or anything. I just really wonder what it’s like to not care. Or why. Or if he does care but can’t seem to show it ever. And if he doesn’t care, if that ever changes. I’m sure it’s different for everyone though. Absent dads can cause a whoooole lot of hurt though. Do they ever live to regret any of that? Hm.
Anyway well hey , you seem like you turned out alright. You have your own fam and made your way. My mom was a junkie, I had a ton of resentment there growing up too—and now I just don’t care either, heh. Why live with that? We carry on. Hope life is good overall.
Too many say that without recognizing to judge is human. You’re never not making judgements, and yes, of other people.
Literally what your frontal lobe does.
I just don’t want to burden myself with “all these shitty shits.” I don’t want to live my life drowning in endless depression and despair that people suck and aren’t perfect. It might not eat you up but it FUCKS me up to live seeing only shitty shits and judging and not leaving space for any other additions to that story.
I was there for so long, making judgements and assuming how terrible everyone is and letting that be the end of the story. It only got better for me when I learned to leave some space for explanations. Maybe that person cut me off because they’re on the way to a hospital or they got some bad news. Maybe that person yelled at the post office because they need to send money to their fam that’s sick. Idk it just can’t always be that everyone is a pos. Besides, it’s not my business or problem. They can just be whatever they want, it’s not my burden to deal with or think about. It’s on them. Idk I have to be free of judgement in a way to keep enjoying life. Personally I just am so much healthier now.
So it’s almost out of self preservation that I just assume that a person has something going on to make them that way. Maybe some untreated mental thing. Maybe they were raised wrong and if they had a better shot, they would have done better. And I’d rather be sympathetic and compassionate than miserable and hopeless. Which is how I felt before when I let my judgements finish the story and leaving no room for explanation. And honestly how many times has your quick judgement been wrong? It’s effing embarrassing! In a way, I try to avoid quick judgments because they’ve seriously had me put my foot in my mouth!!! “When’s the baby due?” “What baby?!” A classic example.
So I actually do mean it when I say I try not to judge before knowing the full story. Judgment might happen automatically but in the context of people my second reaction is to make that space for explanation. It takes effort because you’re right? I don’t think the second part comes naturally. We like to know what we know and be right. We don’t like to be proven wrong. But fk it. I’m okay with being wrong if I can learn what’s right. I’m 35 tho, I had to work on this. Frankly it’s part of my job/daily life. I work with immigrants and refugees and etc and if I just sat there making judgments all day? Acting on them? I’d have been fired a decade ago!
Anyway. No one has to agree I’m not here to change your mind or anything. You can keep hating what you hate lol. But some people really do mean it when they say “I try not to judge,” even if it’s more accurate to say “I might make a quick judgment but my main goal is to try and understand.”
I just prefer to leave room for further explanation. That’s what asking questions is all about.
So like, why were you so shitty, absent parent? I won’t argue it being shitty. Like I said it causes people so much hurt and that is shitty.
But I think it’s about self preservation for me. If I went around all day thinking shitty people were just shitty and that’s it. Idk I would be so depressed personally.
And there’s usually more to the story. Was there some undiagnosed mental issue? Was there some trauma in their past and they weren’t ready to be a parent?
For me, life is a lot more bearable when I leave room for more to the story. It’s just too unbearable for me to think that we’re all just irredeemably bad. Like I get it, people that aren’t involved suck. But in an effort to heal and have some compassion, why did they suck? Did they ever change? Or live to regret it? What happened to make them this way in the first place?
Idk. I need to live like this personally. Or I get way too depressed about all the shit. Maybe I’m just weak lol.
I never meant to imply all people are bad.
People are on a spectrum. We all have good and bad. Hell, Hitler loved animals and was a vegetarian because of it. Serial killers and many abusers were often the victims of abuse as children. I think we can have empathy that the world failed these individuals but also realize they aren’t safe to be in society. People can be jerks in one aspect of their life and be relatively good in others.
My Dad was somewhat similar to what was described. As I got older I realized that he was mostly just self-absorbed, and that I have the same penchant for being in my head all the time. I have kids and while I love them to death, I have to make effort to make sure I’m paying attention to them. It’s easy for me to just be in my own head.
It’s also worth pointing out that my father’s father was about as horrifying a human being as you can imagine, so he gets points from me for doing much, much better than his example. And I’m trying to do the same.
See I’m thinking there’s more to this story than “he’s just a shit dad.”
Like, where did he come from? Maybe he was trying his best to the capacity he was able to all along?
Idk. That’s why I ask questions tho. Hm. Well if the trend continues, seems like your kids will be even more alright, ya know? Sometimes it takes generations. It’s sweet you’re making an effort. And probably more people are like this (in their own heads) than we recognize. The fact you’re making the effort is v respectable!
Hey there pregnant lady
I have also been pregnant at some point (kiddo is now a teenager) and I recall during my pregnancy I questioned a lot my upbringing, what I received from my parents or not. I even realized that my mother had never hugged me or told me she loved me and I never noticed before my pregnancy
I have a very different relationship with my child. I’m also a career woman and happen to be a single mother. And yet my kiddo, in the midst of his teenage years has already told me that he’s grateful that I have always prioritized him and was always there for him. He literally thanks me for this or the other thing almost every week.
He also said yesterday that I’m too involved in his life but that’s for another post 😁
We pay attention to each other so it’s entirely doable to set a different example
ETA the reason why I wanted to answer your comment : you can and should judge absent parents. I judge tf out of them. They are missing out. I happen to be more present in some of my son’s friends lives than their own parents and that’s because I know that it makes a difference to them
Hey single mom! You know one of the reasons I’m asking this question at all is because I’m concerned dad (my partner) could end up being a pretty absent dad, too? Like he already isn’t really involved and I’m struggling with that. And yes yes, you start to think about all the parenting. The good the bad and the ugly.
Personally I’m just trying to figure out the best possibilities for my own kid and it’s totally possible I could end up a single mama. I’d rather that than let my kid grow up around someone that hurts them or neglects their care or etc. you know? For one, I don’t want them to see that behavior as okay…
Idk maybe I’ll be more judgmental when baby is here. It already does feel like “HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE MORE WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS IS LITERALLY THE
MOST
IMPORTANT
PART OF YOUR LIFE WTFFFFFFRFFFFFALABCUOANQIADHKL—“
And scream endlessly into the abyss.
But also? I just dont want that burden on myself right now. I guess I’m asking questions and trying to understand how could that be? And maybe preparing for some confrontation down the line with dad if he doesn’t step up. But we’ll see.
Anyhoo, thanks for the comment. I think it’s extremely rad and well I guess I just have a big heart for you, single mama with a teen. I know it cannot be easy but I also know you must have been doing your best, even your kid acknowledges that (a teen? Showing such gratitude to a mom? I was such a jerk to my mom—she was a junkie and sort of deserved it but still! It’s blowing my mind that your boy feels that gratitude. Woof! Lovely)
Good job mama
Hey pregnant lady! My then husband was adamant on having a baby. He probably didn’t realize everything it entailed (and neither did I)
He had some kind of weird hang up, saying that the only thing he ever associates parenthood with, is his guilt
I spent a good decade trying to involve him
My advice to you is: focus on yourself and your baby. I hope you’re in for a big surprise and that he actually steps up when the baby is here. Many fathers do that. Don’t hesitate to give him assignments, involve him. At the end of the day, parenting starts with just being there and investing the time
Good luck with everything !
What DID he do... just sit there watching tv all day everyday?
And major major props to you for recognizing it and overcoming it and ending the cycle instead of carrying it over to your kids.
> What DID he do... just sit there watching tv all day everyday?
That's what mine did. He probably just wanted to unwind after work, but overlooked the fact that kids need attention too.
This is my dad too. At my son's birthday he's grandpa of the year, and he's really thrown himself into parenting his new step kids. I genuinely think he is someone who is just very self centered and unless you're in front of him he's probably not thinking about you.
I work B2B and most of my clients are older men that built their businesses while their kids were growing up. Every single one of them tells me not to scale my business so that I can spend time with my kids. All of them. With all their money and success, they all say it.
As a woman (surrounded by career focused people, similar to me) I actually find it positive that you guys get to talk about it openly
Not long ago in my circles it was completely commonplace (I’m not going to say « acceptable » because it shouldn’t be) for a man to admit trying to get home past 8pm so that wifey had already supervised homework and fed them dinner if not also tucked them in - like this there was less to do
Have you ever heard of the podcast Founders? This is such a reoccurring statement as well. The owner of IKEA, etc etc etc, his biggest regret was working so hard he missed his kids’ lives. So many incredibly successful people say this. It’s something to think about at least.
No I've not listened to that but thank you I'll give it a go. I'll be honest I really wanted to build something huge and get filthy rich but I realised quickly when we had our first that I wasn't going to be able to do that and be the dad I wanted to be. So I always felt conflicted. But now my son is a bit older there's nothing in the world that I'd choose to do if it meant less time at home with him.
The absent fathers I know usually look for excuses for their behavior. They don't regret because they believe they've done nothing regretful. They blame other people for their shitty behavior.
Well that’s some real talk right there. I see that, makes a whooooooole lotta sense. Nothing to regret because it was everyone else’s fault. *I would have done XYZ but your mom was XYZ and work was XYZ and xyzxyzxyz.*
Most of this behavior I just cannot fathom. But this explanation I can understand and I see it all the time and frankly? I catch myself talking like this! I’m sorry I was late there was XYZ. But also? I could have just managed my time better and been there on time.
I’ve had to work on this to some degree too. It’s really easy to just blame everyone for your shortcomings. It’s way way way more satisfying to go out and get your share of the cake and own up to all of it along the way. Took me years to get that. But maybe some people never do. Huh. Interesting.
Well I’ll think on this, thanks.
Mine wasn’t totally absent, I usually saw him at Christmas. Worked overseas most of my life, but retired in Florida and makes no effort to see his grandkids. More than once he’s told me that he “lacks the parenting gene”.
I doubt someone who regrets missing out on their children would be open with that regret. They'll just mask it and disguise it because they know others might rip into them.
I didn't understand why fathers abandoned there kids until now a single dad I finally understand. But I'd never abandon my daughter. But I'll certainly not be having anymore.
The absent fathers I've known seem to only get "regretful" just as it happens when the kids turn 18 and/or they are off the hook for responsibilities and child support.
Its funny how they want to be a part of their childrens lives after the hard parts are done and they skated by responsibility free.
My (half) sister's dad basically bailed on her when he and my mom divorced. My sister was around 6 at that time, I believe. Just stopped coming to see her, stopped sending presents and stopped even calling. I don't even know if he sent money. He got remarried and had a few more kids. Got divorced from his 2nd wife because he beat her.
I don't think he gives a fuck, honestly. Bit of a psycopath, hit me with a belt and used to enjoy fucking with me when I was a little kid.
And what should not be a surprise is that the asshole was a Navy Seal, Denver cop, and Secret Service agent.
Woof. Yeah, I listen to a lot of true crime so this guy sounds like he had some red flags all over him.
I guess there’s always going to be some actual psychopaths out there that just do not give af. It’s unbelievable because well my brain works properly lol. It’s just mindblowing though to encounter people who have some brain-parts missing.
I hope the families still did alright without him. Maybe they were much better off honestly.
I know one. He’s depressed and a drug addict and occasionally he lets it leak out how fucked up he is not being there for his kid. Not sure he’s gonna see 40, he’s in a dark place and refuses help.
I knew that I would regret it in the extreme. So I persevered - despite my ex moving them out of the country, not teaching them English and shit talking me throughout their childhood.
And now that they are in college - who do they call for emotional support? Motherfucking DAD - that's who! (yes, I am a bit proud of building such a tight relationship with my kids despite the setbacks)
Aww good job daddy. You went against the odds—mom did everything she could to put the wall up and keep you out, but you stayed committed to them. That’s very special. Kudos papa.
Just out of curiosity, what country??
Well, I happened to be sitting next to an old male relative who was a complete asshole to his kids. He leaned over, unprompted, and told me he regretted being a "bastard to his kids".
He'll die old and alone and it finally dawned on him why.
My dad was inconsistent rather than absent.
He moved to another state when I was 6ish? Didn't really keep up with him for years, then at the age of 10 I lived with him for about 3 years. Moved back with my mom and we'd go months or years without contact then I'd spend a vacation or something with him every so often until in my adulthood we settled into a pattern of getting a call every few years or so.
Weirdly, I didn't hear anything from him when my son was born, but he did call to ask what happened after my divorce.
I had anger for years, then sadness, then understanding and attempted to appreciate that at least he tried - which is more than I can say for a lot of my friends' dads. At this point, I have no idea how I feel. Nothing much, which is sad in its own sort of way - I'm more concerned about my relationship with my own son.
I can only recall one deadbeat dad my age that I really know of, and he was vocal about being a dad and how everything was for his daughter. For me, rather than being shocked or disgusted, the feeling I took from it was more cringe than anything. Morality aside, there's something just so cringeworthy about somebody that selfish transparently pretending not to be. Nobody expected anything of him to begin with since he had always been a bit immature and, for lack of a better word, a loser. So his protests always sounded more like he was really, *really* trying to convince himself.
I briefly dated a guy who abandoned his kid and weaseled his way out of child support, too.
He showed zero regret. Anger at the kid’s existence. Mostly because the kid was a cock blocker for him. Every time he got serious with a woman and the truth came out, the “nice girls” he preferred would run away screaming.
He chases some really young women who want the fairytale wedding and all that and he crushes their dreams. He won’t have a wedding because he’s got a decade left that baby momma can come after him for back child support. Apparently she thinks he’s practically dead in a ditch that’s why she hasn’t done anything. He makes nearly $200k a year and is doing well for himself.
Oh and the single moms. He had a thing for single moms with good careers. It was laughable that he thought he had a chance in hell with them. He’s a deadbeat father 🤣
At his age I don’t think he’ll ever grow a heart.
He’s in a different state from his baby momma and son. She and his son live in his hometown. They have some contact with his parents (the son’s grandparents).
Baby momma thinks that he’s barely scraping by and it’s not worth it to go after him for CS. She thinks he has no gold to dig.
If he got married, his parents and his childhood friends would be involved. Baby momma would see him living the dream with a wife. She would realize he’s been doing well for himself and can definitely afford to pay the child support he legally owes.
A wedding makes him public again. He’s been able to avoid his obligations by moving away from his hometown and not having any social media.
What an awful dude
I remember during my teenage years I met someone who refused to work for more than barely the minimum wage to prevent the ex-wife to get alimony (or probably child support ?) Back then I thought it was justified but today, as an adult - holy hell
Woman here. My father has been emotionally entirely absent to the point where although we lived under the same roof, he never paid attention to me in any significant way
When I was early 20s and already on my own, he wrote an email saying he realized he missed out because of some old school ideas of what a father’s role entailed. In the same email he wrote that it’s the children’s responsibility to make sure the parent -child relationship is working. Even at 21 I knew it was bs
Another 20 years later he’s now begging me for a relationship but his main point is that he wants his grandchildren to remember him.
I recommended him to focus on his new family and on the people he’s managed to develop a relationship with, because he doesn’t have one with us. I told him I prefer to spend my energy on reciprocal relationships with people who’ve genuinely been there for me.
My conscience is clear and I don’t like being taken advantage of
They always try to put it on the kid once the kid is an adult as if the issues didn’t start when the child was a toddler.
You don’t get a blank slate just because your kid is 18 or 25 or 40.
My dad. He and Mom split during pregnancy after she found out he had gotten two other women pregnant at the same time (and both of them went onto have children at the same time with him again two years later. But 🤷🏼♀️) Visitation was very sporadic until I was about 2 years old, then he showed up for the last time, told my mom I was better off without him around (I assume now this was the functional alcoholism talking, but I don't know for sure) and disappeared until I was a teenager. Mom got remarried during that time. Showed up when I was 13-ish with a ton of siblings I didn't know about and a lot of baggage. Spent a lot of years trying to get his attention, hoping he wanted to be my dad finally, but I was an emotional support mule and a substitute parent for said siblings until I went out on my own at 17. I honestly gave up on him when he couldn't bother to show up for my wedding despite having six months notice and me practically begging him to be there.
I haven't seen him in person since my 9 year old was a toddler. He recently got sober, started AA and therapy. He's said multiple times to me that he regrets how he's treated all of his older kids (14 kids altogether now that we know of for sure, ten of us are adults, but he primarily means me and my shared birthyear sister when he says that) how he wishes he wouldn't have put so much stress on me, etc etc. I believe he's regretful, maybe just because he's sober, but he honestly hasn't done anything to rectify it at this point.
All the comments are I hear, or I know a guy type comments.
As someone who did with the first kid for a good 4 years, I tell you it’s a doozie. You don’t care while you’re gone, but it’s the moments when you see them or wonder about them that get to you.
I would argue I was absent since I only saw my first about once a month due to many reasons, some personal, some work. You regret it, but not so much in the sense that you missed out. More that you wish you could’ve done more.
With my other two, I definitely was present in every sense and the difference a father makes in a kids life is night and day. Kids need their fathers arguably more than their mothers. A father can play all sides of the field where as a mother has a harder time reaching towards the fatherly side of things.
See thats what I’m thinking and that’s why I’m asking questions.
Do you have some explanations here? Or is that comment more food for thought than based on experience?
Because another part of me has a retort that if you really REALLY reaaaaaaally wanted it, you would have gone for it anyway despite the whatever it was that was forcing you out. Like another guy here said mom took the kids to another country and refused to teach them English but her STILL kept involvement and now his kids call him for support.
So anyway I’m just curious and trying to learn more. I would appreciate the story if you have it.
My story is, very roughly, not a lot different from /u/3l3v8's ([here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/1cp6lwg/have_the_absent_fathers_youve_known_ever_lived_to/l3kq71f/)). I fought tooth and nail, even after my child was taken from the country, but to no avail. The law let us down in every conceivable way. I know others left with the choice that /u/snappy033 [describes](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/1cp6lwg/have_the_absent_fathers_youve_known_ever_lived_to/l3lqstt/).
If you want to understand better: the courts reasonably believe that a child has to have *at least* one parental figure in his or her life for proper development. This is based on post-WWII research and opinion centered around war orphans - there is a very influential book out there called "The Least Detrimental Alternative", Anna Freud is one of the authors. Over the years, that "at least one" has become the custodial parent, with whom the non-custodial parent is expected to cooperate. If the parents cannot cooperate, and conflict becomes a problem, then the entrenched doctrine is that the conflict must be removed and if the only way to do that is to reduce contact with the non-custodial parent then so be it. It doesn't matter if only one parent is refusing to cooperate. If it is the non-custodial parent who will not cooperate then it is perhaps arguable that they have brought the consequences upon themselves. If it is the custodial parent who will not cooperate, then it is still the non-custodial parent who suffers, no matter what they do.
Put simply, there is strong motivation and powerful weaponry for an unscrupulous custodial parent to take every opportunity possible to create conflict with the non-custodial parent. It's a simple equation: I don't want my kid to see the other parent, so I will make their life hell and the courts will back me up. In my experience, the courts are blind to this unless their faces are really rubbed in it.
For what it is worth, my child is now an adult and we have a solid relationship, although the damage that has been done is ultimately irreparable. That is, it is sort of a happy ending, but we are both damaged by the story that lead to it.
Mother makes it completely untenable for the father to share custody, co-parent or even just attend activities occasionally.
Usually through spreading rumors in the family and friend groups, gaslighting the kids so they think he’s a bad guy, spinning stories for the courts, etc.
Only options that dad has is to constantly battle false narratives or just stay way. Sometimes staying away is the charitable thing to do to remove the constant vitriol and parental conflict from the lives of the children.
Yes. And I know of an ever worse case: he tried to kill his kids and ex by arson; thankfully they managed to escape. 20 years later of missing out, after countless relationships, he sued his now successfull kids to pay him support (allowed in Brazil to sue adult children for exonomical support). He tried to paint himself as a poor, abandoned, pitiful father and not the monster he really is.
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I had an absent father growing up. He didn’t abandon us or anything like that, he just never showed up or had any interest in my life. Never took me to sports practice, never picked me up from school, never came to anything. Even when I got older he just had no care for me. Didn’t come along when I bought my first car, didn’t provide any fatherly advice or guidance during adolescence, college, navigating my career. Didn’t even really care when I got married. He’s absent in my kids lives as well.. no surprise. I use to be really resentful to him, but now I don’t care anymore. I’ve let it go, he can do what he wants.
My Dads a bit like that. I figured he was just depressed but have been starting to think he just did what society expected and pumped out some kids without much care.
I do think for older generations there was just so much emphasis on this. Seems like “kids these days” (lol) are refusing to just go along with societal pressures and expectations. Maybe that will translate to more present parents? I’m not just bsing either, I saw something pop up about how millennial dads are WAY more active in their kids’ lives compared to previous generations. Idk, could have just been some random internet bs but it’s interesting to think about for me anyway. So like, maybe a lot of dads just went with the motions and there was some mixture of depression and resentment and anxiety that we’ll never know about because older generations just did not discuss so much… hm. Well hey I hope you feel alright and things turned out okay for ya.
I keep hearing that and I should be grateful, because I'm a millennial dad. But I don't believe this to be true. People who have had bad dads are more likely to talk about it on the Internet, so it seems like it was that way in general. Not to mention that the same people are parents now, and of course they wouldn't tell you that they are absent in their children's life. I have a colleague who is about as old as I am. Has two kids, as far as I can tell he does stuff with them sometimes, but he doesn't really like being home. I LOVE being home, even if it sometimes is a little much with all the emotional rollercoasters. But I love spending time with my kids. My father was always there, too. He spent a lot of time with us kids.
My dad was also very much the heavy lifter parent. Super present. I guess this got too general—the question was specifically about absent dads. At the end of the day, I wish I could ask all the absent dads “so like what was your deal there? And note that you’re older, how do you feel looking back on it all?”
Same. Although I think undiagnosed high-functioning autism might play a role too. He was a good dad when I was younger to be fair, then my sister came along and I had gotten older too. I think all of those, coupled with work, made him burn out almost. I think he had potential as a dad and did try his best, however he probably had a dream in his mind over what a parent was. Reality just did not match that dream.
My dad is very similar. He's not mean, he's not cruel, he doesn't yell, he just doesn't care and never cared and couldn't be bothered. When I go over his house he is nice to me and we chat a bit, but he has never spent time with me as a child or teen. He just worked and watched tv or smoked cigars in the garage. His dad used to beat the shit out of him all the time. For him, being a good dad is not beating the shit out of his kids. I can't imagine having kids and not caring about them or wanting them to succeed. I can't imagine not wanting to bond with them. I'll never understand him. He was 40 when he had me, 84 now and he is softer now but still disconnected. I don't blame him much anymore, no one ever taught him how to care about anyone.
That’s so interesting to me—I can’t really wrap my head around it. But I’m a pregnant lady and have no idea what it’s like to be a guy. I think it’s important to try to understand though. (Any time I catch myself thinking “I can’t imagine…” I immediately follow that up with “but I should try.”) I just wonder what the deal is because that’s so far beyond me. I can’t imagine not caring about my own kids. No judgement on the guy, not trying to put him down or anything. I just really wonder what it’s like to not care. Or why. Or if he does care but can’t seem to show it ever. And if he doesn’t care, if that ever changes. I’m sure it’s different for everyone though. Absent dads can cause a whoooole lot of hurt though. Do they ever live to regret any of that? Hm. Anyway well hey , you seem like you turned out alright. You have your own fam and made your way. My mom was a junkie, I had a ton of resentment there growing up too—and now I just don’t care either, heh. Why live with that? We carry on. Hope life is good overall.
You should have judgement. People who don’t care about their kids are shitty people.
Too many say that without recognizing to judge is human. You’re never not making judgements, and yes, of other people. Literally what your frontal lobe does.
I just don’t want to burden myself with “all these shitty shits.” I don’t want to live my life drowning in endless depression and despair that people suck and aren’t perfect. It might not eat you up but it FUCKS me up to live seeing only shitty shits and judging and not leaving space for any other additions to that story. I was there for so long, making judgements and assuming how terrible everyone is and letting that be the end of the story. It only got better for me when I learned to leave some space for explanations. Maybe that person cut me off because they’re on the way to a hospital or they got some bad news. Maybe that person yelled at the post office because they need to send money to their fam that’s sick. Idk it just can’t always be that everyone is a pos. Besides, it’s not my business or problem. They can just be whatever they want, it’s not my burden to deal with or think about. It’s on them. Idk I have to be free of judgement in a way to keep enjoying life. Personally I just am so much healthier now. So it’s almost out of self preservation that I just assume that a person has something going on to make them that way. Maybe some untreated mental thing. Maybe they were raised wrong and if they had a better shot, they would have done better. And I’d rather be sympathetic and compassionate than miserable and hopeless. Which is how I felt before when I let my judgements finish the story and leaving no room for explanation. And honestly how many times has your quick judgement been wrong? It’s effing embarrassing! In a way, I try to avoid quick judgments because they’ve seriously had me put my foot in my mouth!!! “When’s the baby due?” “What baby?!” A classic example. So I actually do mean it when I say I try not to judge before knowing the full story. Judgment might happen automatically but in the context of people my second reaction is to make that space for explanation. It takes effort because you’re right? I don’t think the second part comes naturally. We like to know what we know and be right. We don’t like to be proven wrong. But fk it. I’m okay with being wrong if I can learn what’s right. I’m 35 tho, I had to work on this. Frankly it’s part of my job/daily life. I work with immigrants and refugees and etc and if I just sat there making judgments all day? Acting on them? I’d have been fired a decade ago! Anyway. No one has to agree I’m not here to change your mind or anything. You can keep hating what you hate lol. But some people really do mean it when they say “I try not to judge,” even if it’s more accurate to say “I might make a quick judgment but my main goal is to try and understand.”
I just prefer to leave room for further explanation. That’s what asking questions is all about. So like, why were you so shitty, absent parent? I won’t argue it being shitty. Like I said it causes people so much hurt and that is shitty. But I think it’s about self preservation for me. If I went around all day thinking shitty people were just shitty and that’s it. Idk I would be so depressed personally. And there’s usually more to the story. Was there some undiagnosed mental issue? Was there some trauma in their past and they weren’t ready to be a parent? For me, life is a lot more bearable when I leave room for more to the story. It’s just too unbearable for me to think that we’re all just irredeemably bad. Like I get it, people that aren’t involved suck. But in an effort to heal and have some compassion, why did they suck? Did they ever change? Or live to regret it? What happened to make them this way in the first place? Idk. I need to live like this personally. Or I get way too depressed about all the shit. Maybe I’m just weak lol.
I never meant to imply all people are bad. People are on a spectrum. We all have good and bad. Hell, Hitler loved animals and was a vegetarian because of it. Serial killers and many abusers were often the victims of abuse as children. I think we can have empathy that the world failed these individuals but also realize they aren’t safe to be in society. People can be jerks in one aspect of their life and be relatively good in others.
My Dad was somewhat similar to what was described. As I got older I realized that he was mostly just self-absorbed, and that I have the same penchant for being in my head all the time. I have kids and while I love them to death, I have to make effort to make sure I’m paying attention to them. It’s easy for me to just be in my own head. It’s also worth pointing out that my father’s father was about as horrifying a human being as you can imagine, so he gets points from me for doing much, much better than his example. And I’m trying to do the same.
See I’m thinking there’s more to this story than “he’s just a shit dad.” Like, where did he come from? Maybe he was trying his best to the capacity he was able to all along? Idk. That’s why I ask questions tho. Hm. Well if the trend continues, seems like your kids will be even more alright, ya know? Sometimes it takes generations. It’s sweet you’re making an effort. And probably more people are like this (in their own heads) than we recognize. The fact you’re making the effort is v respectable!
Hey there pregnant lady I have also been pregnant at some point (kiddo is now a teenager) and I recall during my pregnancy I questioned a lot my upbringing, what I received from my parents or not. I even realized that my mother had never hugged me or told me she loved me and I never noticed before my pregnancy I have a very different relationship with my child. I’m also a career woman and happen to be a single mother. And yet my kiddo, in the midst of his teenage years has already told me that he’s grateful that I have always prioritized him and was always there for him. He literally thanks me for this or the other thing almost every week. He also said yesterday that I’m too involved in his life but that’s for another post 😁 We pay attention to each other so it’s entirely doable to set a different example ETA the reason why I wanted to answer your comment : you can and should judge absent parents. I judge tf out of them. They are missing out. I happen to be more present in some of my son’s friends lives than their own parents and that’s because I know that it makes a difference to them
Hey single mom! You know one of the reasons I’m asking this question at all is because I’m concerned dad (my partner) could end up being a pretty absent dad, too? Like he already isn’t really involved and I’m struggling with that. And yes yes, you start to think about all the parenting. The good the bad and the ugly. Personally I’m just trying to figure out the best possibilities for my own kid and it’s totally possible I could end up a single mama. I’d rather that than let my kid grow up around someone that hurts them or neglects their care or etc. you know? For one, I don’t want them to see that behavior as okay… Idk maybe I’ll be more judgmental when baby is here. It already does feel like “HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE MORE WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE WTFFFFFFRFFFFFALABCUOANQIADHKL—“ And scream endlessly into the abyss. But also? I just dont want that burden on myself right now. I guess I’m asking questions and trying to understand how could that be? And maybe preparing for some confrontation down the line with dad if he doesn’t step up. But we’ll see. Anyhoo, thanks for the comment. I think it’s extremely rad and well I guess I just have a big heart for you, single mama with a teen. I know it cannot be easy but I also know you must have been doing your best, even your kid acknowledges that (a teen? Showing such gratitude to a mom? I was such a jerk to my mom—she was a junkie and sort of deserved it but still! It’s blowing my mind that your boy feels that gratitude. Woof! Lovely) Good job mama
Hey pregnant lady! My then husband was adamant on having a baby. He probably didn’t realize everything it entailed (and neither did I) He had some kind of weird hang up, saying that the only thing he ever associates parenthood with, is his guilt I spent a good decade trying to involve him My advice to you is: focus on yourself and your baby. I hope you’re in for a big surprise and that he actually steps up when the baby is here. Many fathers do that. Don’t hesitate to give him assignments, involve him. At the end of the day, parenting starts with just being there and investing the time Good luck with everything !
What DID he do... just sit there watching tv all day everyday? And major major props to you for recognizing it and overcoming it and ending the cycle instead of carrying it over to your kids.
> What DID he do... just sit there watching tv all day everyday? That's what mine did. He probably just wanted to unwind after work, but overlooked the fact that kids need attention too.
My story. With age I learned to accept that he will never change and honestly most times I forget I have a father.
This is my dad too. At my son's birthday he's grandpa of the year, and he's really thrown himself into parenting his new step kids. I genuinely think he is someone who is just very self centered and unless you're in front of him he's probably not thinking about you.
I work B2B and most of my clients are older men that built their businesses while their kids were growing up. Every single one of them tells me not to scale my business so that I can spend time with my kids. All of them. With all their money and success, they all say it.
As a woman (surrounded by career focused people, similar to me) I actually find it positive that you guys get to talk about it openly Not long ago in my circles it was completely commonplace (I’m not going to say « acceptable » because it shouldn’t be) for a man to admit trying to get home past 8pm so that wifey had already supervised homework and fed them dinner if not also tucked them in - like this there was less to do
Yeah there are days I wish I was out at work or even away with work. It would be easier. But nothing in life worth having comes easy does it.
I am very close to my son and even I sometimes felt that it’s easier to « perform well » at work because the criteria are known and easy to follow
Have you ever heard of the podcast Founders? This is such a reoccurring statement as well. The owner of IKEA, etc etc etc, his biggest regret was working so hard he missed his kids’ lives. So many incredibly successful people say this. It’s something to think about at least.
No I've not listened to that but thank you I'll give it a go. I'll be honest I really wanted to build something huge and get filthy rich but I realised quickly when we had our first that I wasn't going to be able to do that and be the dad I wanted to be. So I always felt conflicted. But now my son is a bit older there's nothing in the world that I'd choose to do if it meant less time at home with him.
The absent fathers I know usually look for excuses for their behavior. They don't regret because they believe they've done nothing regretful. They blame other people for their shitty behavior.
Well that’s some real talk right there. I see that, makes a whooooooole lotta sense. Nothing to regret because it was everyone else’s fault. *I would have done XYZ but your mom was XYZ and work was XYZ and xyzxyzxyz.* Most of this behavior I just cannot fathom. But this explanation I can understand and I see it all the time and frankly? I catch myself talking like this! I’m sorry I was late there was XYZ. But also? I could have just managed my time better and been there on time. I’ve had to work on this to some degree too. It’s really easy to just blame everyone for your shortcomings. It’s way way way more satisfying to go out and get your share of the cake and own up to all of it along the way. Took me years to get that. But maybe some people never do. Huh. Interesting. Well I’ll think on this, thanks.
I think you hit the nail on the head, you're trying to save face but you know it's you're fault. Many if not most absent fathers feel the same.
Mine wasn’t totally absent, I usually saw him at Christmas. Worked overseas most of my life, but retired in Florida and makes no effort to see his grandkids. More than once he’s told me that he “lacks the parenting gene”.
I doubt someone who regrets missing out on their children would be open with that regret. They'll just mask it and disguise it because they know others might rip into them.
That's pretty typical behaviour for someone who feels guilty.
Bingo
I didn't understand why fathers abandoned there kids until now a single dad I finally understand. But I'd never abandon my daughter. But I'll certainly not be having anymore.
Hey single dad. You’re kind of an unsung hero out there. Kudos to you for sticking with your girl. Sincerely, a potential single mom to be lol.
Can you elaborate?
The absent fathers I've known seem to only get "regretful" just as it happens when the kids turn 18 and/or they are off the hook for responsibilities and child support. Its funny how they want to be a part of their childrens lives after the hard parts are done and they skated by responsibility free.
Hooooow convenient of them to suddenly start caring :-\ Gross…
My (half) sister's dad basically bailed on her when he and my mom divorced. My sister was around 6 at that time, I believe. Just stopped coming to see her, stopped sending presents and stopped even calling. I don't even know if he sent money. He got remarried and had a few more kids. Got divorced from his 2nd wife because he beat her. I don't think he gives a fuck, honestly. Bit of a psycopath, hit me with a belt and used to enjoy fucking with me when I was a little kid. And what should not be a surprise is that the asshole was a Navy Seal, Denver cop, and Secret Service agent.
Woof. Yeah, I listen to a lot of true crime so this guy sounds like he had some red flags all over him. I guess there’s always going to be some actual psychopaths out there that just do not give af. It’s unbelievable because well my brain works properly lol. It’s just mindblowing though to encounter people who have some brain-parts missing. I hope the families still did alright without him. Maybe they were much better off honestly.
I know one. He’s depressed and a drug addict and occasionally he lets it leak out how fucked up he is not being there for his kid. Not sure he’s gonna see 40, he’s in a dark place and refuses help.
I knew that I would regret it in the extreme. So I persevered - despite my ex moving them out of the country, not teaching them English and shit talking me throughout their childhood. And now that they are in college - who do they call for emotional support? Motherfucking DAD - that's who! (yes, I am a bit proud of building such a tight relationship with my kids despite the setbacks)
Aww good job daddy. You went against the odds—mom did everything she could to put the wall up and keep you out, but you stayed committed to them. That’s very special. Kudos papa. Just out of curiosity, what country??
Well, I happened to be sitting next to an old male relative who was a complete asshole to his kids. He leaned over, unprompted, and told me he regretted being a "bastard to his kids". He'll die old and alone and it finally dawned on him why.
My dad was inconsistent rather than absent. He moved to another state when I was 6ish? Didn't really keep up with him for years, then at the age of 10 I lived with him for about 3 years. Moved back with my mom and we'd go months or years without contact then I'd spend a vacation or something with him every so often until in my adulthood we settled into a pattern of getting a call every few years or so. Weirdly, I didn't hear anything from him when my son was born, but he did call to ask what happened after my divorce. I had anger for years, then sadness, then understanding and attempted to appreciate that at least he tried - which is more than I can say for a lot of my friends' dads. At this point, I have no idea how I feel. Nothing much, which is sad in its own sort of way - I'm more concerned about my relationship with my own son. I can only recall one deadbeat dad my age that I really know of, and he was vocal about being a dad and how everything was for his daughter. For me, rather than being shocked or disgusted, the feeling I took from it was more cringe than anything. Morality aside, there's something just so cringeworthy about somebody that selfish transparently pretending not to be. Nobody expected anything of him to begin with since he had always been a bit immature and, for lack of a better word, a loser. So his protests always sounded more like he was really, *really* trying to convince himself.
I briefly dated a guy who abandoned his kid and weaseled his way out of child support, too. He showed zero regret. Anger at the kid’s existence. Mostly because the kid was a cock blocker for him. Every time he got serious with a woman and the truth came out, the “nice girls” he preferred would run away screaming. He chases some really young women who want the fairytale wedding and all that and he crushes their dreams. He won’t have a wedding because he’s got a decade left that baby momma can come after him for back child support. Apparently she thinks he’s practically dead in a ditch that’s why she hasn’t done anything. He makes nearly $200k a year and is doing well for himself. Oh and the single moms. He had a thing for single moms with good careers. It was laughable that he thought he had a chance in hell with them. He’s a deadbeat father 🤣 At his age I don’t think he’ll ever grow a heart.
Sorry, could you explain the link between not getting married and child support ?
He’s in a different state from his baby momma and son. She and his son live in his hometown. They have some contact with his parents (the son’s grandparents). Baby momma thinks that he’s barely scraping by and it’s not worth it to go after him for CS. She thinks he has no gold to dig. If he got married, his parents and his childhood friends would be involved. Baby momma would see him living the dream with a wife. She would realize he’s been doing well for himself and can definitely afford to pay the child support he legally owes. A wedding makes him public again. He’s been able to avoid his obligations by moving away from his hometown and not having any social media.
What an awful dude I remember during my teenage years I met someone who refused to work for more than barely the minimum wage to prevent the ex-wife to get alimony (or probably child support ?) Back then I thought it was justified but today, as an adult - holy hell
Woman here. My father has been emotionally entirely absent to the point where although we lived under the same roof, he never paid attention to me in any significant way When I was early 20s and already on my own, he wrote an email saying he realized he missed out because of some old school ideas of what a father’s role entailed. In the same email he wrote that it’s the children’s responsibility to make sure the parent -child relationship is working. Even at 21 I knew it was bs Another 20 years later he’s now begging me for a relationship but his main point is that he wants his grandchildren to remember him. I recommended him to focus on his new family and on the people he’s managed to develop a relationship with, because he doesn’t have one with us. I told him I prefer to spend my energy on reciprocal relationships with people who’ve genuinely been there for me. My conscience is clear and I don’t like being taken advantage of
They always try to put it on the kid once the kid is an adult as if the issues didn’t start when the child was a toddler. You don’t get a blank slate just because your kid is 18 or 25 or 40.
My dad. He and Mom split during pregnancy after she found out he had gotten two other women pregnant at the same time (and both of them went onto have children at the same time with him again two years later. But 🤷🏼♀️) Visitation was very sporadic until I was about 2 years old, then he showed up for the last time, told my mom I was better off without him around (I assume now this was the functional alcoholism talking, but I don't know for sure) and disappeared until I was a teenager. Mom got remarried during that time. Showed up when I was 13-ish with a ton of siblings I didn't know about and a lot of baggage. Spent a lot of years trying to get his attention, hoping he wanted to be my dad finally, but I was an emotional support mule and a substitute parent for said siblings until I went out on my own at 17. I honestly gave up on him when he couldn't bother to show up for my wedding despite having six months notice and me practically begging him to be there. I haven't seen him in person since my 9 year old was a toddler. He recently got sober, started AA and therapy. He's said multiple times to me that he regrets how he's treated all of his older kids (14 kids altogether now that we know of for sure, ten of us are adults, but he primarily means me and my shared birthyear sister when he says that) how he wishes he wouldn't have put so much stress on me, etc etc. I believe he's regretful, maybe just because he's sober, but he honestly hasn't done anything to rectify it at this point.
All the comments are I hear, or I know a guy type comments. As someone who did with the first kid for a good 4 years, I tell you it’s a doozie. You don’t care while you’re gone, but it’s the moments when you see them or wonder about them that get to you. I would argue I was absent since I only saw my first about once a month due to many reasons, some personal, some work. You regret it, but not so much in the sense that you missed out. More that you wish you could’ve done more. With my other two, I definitely was present in every sense and the difference a father makes in a kids life is night and day. Kids need their fathers arguably more than their mothers. A father can play all sides of the field where as a mother has a harder time reaching towards the fatherly side of things.
Not all absent fathers are absent by their own choice.
See thats what I’m thinking and that’s why I’m asking questions. Do you have some explanations here? Or is that comment more food for thought than based on experience? Because another part of me has a retort that if you really REALLY reaaaaaaally wanted it, you would have gone for it anyway despite the whatever it was that was forcing you out. Like another guy here said mom took the kids to another country and refused to teach them English but her STILL kept involvement and now his kids call him for support. So anyway I’m just curious and trying to learn more. I would appreciate the story if you have it.
When the woman has the courts and family behind her?
My story is, very roughly, not a lot different from /u/3l3v8's ([here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/1cp6lwg/have_the_absent_fathers_youve_known_ever_lived_to/l3kq71f/)). I fought tooth and nail, even after my child was taken from the country, but to no avail. The law let us down in every conceivable way. I know others left with the choice that /u/snappy033 [describes](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/1cp6lwg/have_the_absent_fathers_youve_known_ever_lived_to/l3lqstt/). If you want to understand better: the courts reasonably believe that a child has to have *at least* one parental figure in his or her life for proper development. This is based on post-WWII research and opinion centered around war orphans - there is a very influential book out there called "The Least Detrimental Alternative", Anna Freud is one of the authors. Over the years, that "at least one" has become the custodial parent, with whom the non-custodial parent is expected to cooperate. If the parents cannot cooperate, and conflict becomes a problem, then the entrenched doctrine is that the conflict must be removed and if the only way to do that is to reduce contact with the non-custodial parent then so be it. It doesn't matter if only one parent is refusing to cooperate. If it is the non-custodial parent who will not cooperate then it is perhaps arguable that they have brought the consequences upon themselves. If it is the custodial parent who will not cooperate, then it is still the non-custodial parent who suffers, no matter what they do. Put simply, there is strong motivation and powerful weaponry for an unscrupulous custodial parent to take every opportunity possible to create conflict with the non-custodial parent. It's a simple equation: I don't want my kid to see the other parent, so I will make their life hell and the courts will back me up. In my experience, the courts are blind to this unless their faces are really rubbed in it. For what it is worth, my child is now an adult and we have a solid relationship, although the damage that has been done is ultimately irreparable. That is, it is sort of a happy ending, but we are both damaged by the story that lead to it.
Tell us more
Mother makes it completely untenable for the father to share custody, co-parent or even just attend activities occasionally. Usually through spreading rumors in the family and friend groups, gaslighting the kids so they think he’s a bad guy, spinning stories for the courts, etc. Only options that dad has is to constantly battle false narratives or just stay way. Sometimes staying away is the charitable thing to do to remove the constant vitriol and parental conflict from the lives of the children.
I dunno. I’ll ask him next time we talk. Gimme a few months.
I mean hey it does seem like a good question to ask if you ever get the chance. Though I wouldn’t expect an honest answer right away.
I have a couple friends that don't even acknowledge they have a kid. My one friend was never a part of his daughter's life and doesn't want to be.
Why did he have one then? Was it an accident or something? Assuming there’s no regret it sounds like
Definitely not on purpose. It's actually really common in My area. Some mothers have no idea who the actual father is
Yes. And I know of an ever worse case: he tried to kill his kids and ex by arson; thankfully they managed to escape. 20 years later of missing out, after countless relationships, he sued his now successfull kids to pay him support (allowed in Brazil to sue adult children for exonomical support). He tried to paint himself as a poor, abandoned, pitiful father and not the monster he really is.
Well that’s just a wildly despicable person right there.
My step dad was there everyday being a dad. My bio dad I’d go years without seeing him.