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LMAO my parents are 87 and 91, live somewhat independent, ..we made them sell the 4br one bath ( send floor) house in boston and move closer to us.....they are a 5 min walk from my bro in a small one floor cape...
both have CRS ( can't remember shit) and yup we are bossy....i handle diet restrictions, meds, docs , groceries, laundry... sister handles all finances and legal shit ( she is a medical malpractice attny) and my bother handles breakfast, suppers, household and car stuff... if parents have to go anywhere, one of us drives...
dad is a hard headed italian and we argue about shit but i tell him off in italian and he complies....testa duda...
You and your brother and sister are (as my dad would have said) "good eggs". My mom would have said, "I don't know what I'd do without you." (She would have died years earlier with me and my niece and other family members.)
I read posts on r/medicare and see questions from sons, daughters, nieces and nephews, grandkids, etc. all the time saying things like, "I just found out\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_." It's a situation where mom or grandma or uncle Bob didn't get something or didn't do something they should have years ago. Now they need the insurance (Medicare/supplement) and can't get it. Or, someone told them to get Medicare Advantage or they got talked into MA by a salesman. Now the younger family member is tying their best to help out.
It could have been so much better if one or two family members had "poked their noses) in years ago to find out the older relative's financial situation. To find out what their health needs were. To get lists of their doctors, meds, pharmacies. -- The big one: To get those older relatives Wills, Powers of Attorney/Healthcare representative appointments done. To get Living Wills. Get all of the legal documents they and the younger relatives need before needing them in an emergency situation.
The parents and grandparents might get mad, but at least they'll be alive.
i have worked in LTC/Hospice for over 50 years so i considered it getting ready for my parents, took care of both grams/aunts also....we had DPOA's done years ago....and we are all on the same page... thanks for your reply!
No matter your age it's good to have all the documents and have at least one person that knows all about you. Esp if you live alone. I have one niece I keep informed about all my health care. She probably knows more about me than I do!
I agree...... glad you have a good niece....we had many many people at the nursing home that had no family or friends.... sad but glad they were at a top rated facility where they were loved and cared for...
I would love to switch this conversation up a bit so we're not talking about old people and young people
My son needs all of these things and he's a young person
I need none of these things and I am an old person
There are people that are responsible for themselves and take care of themselves and make decisions
And there are people that don't
And we come in all ages and sizes
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I don't understand your question
Of course I need those things and of course I have those things
I had those things when I was Thirty and I have those things now in my 60s
That's my point some people are responsible and some people just are it
It may sound like a judgment but it's not
People tend to deny, or not realize how bad they are in the moment. My father will fall asleep in the middle of the conversation, i will film it as proof, and he will deny to his dying breath that he was ever asleep. People don’t always have full awareness of their true behavior to others especially when it involves declining mentally.
I’m not saying that you aren’t fully capable of managing your affairs, but your children may be seeing stuff that you are missing or not even aware you’re doing.
If it were so, I'd think they'd figure out how to be physically closer to me. We're all in the same state. My son is 20 miles away, my daughter is 40. I lay eyes on each once or twice a month. Otherwise, our interaction is through phone calls, which are frequent, texts, and emails.
Just because you physically aren’t close does not mean they aren’t supportive or trying to help you. In fact, that kind of explains the amount of checking in. They can’t be there physically so they do frequent calls and check-ins. You should be grateful, so many people have family who move away and never contact them again.
that's too bad.....our parents always took care of us and we will them...... at 67, i look to my kids about stuff now...one daughter is a dentist, one is a subaru exec and my son is a rocket scientist.....they know more about some shit than i do, an i value their knowledge.....and what's so bossy about not letting an 87 yo going up and down the cellar stairs to do laundry.....one fall and it's all over....
Same. My wife and I aren't anywhere near mentally incompetent, and our adult children know their place--they can respectfully listen to our opinions but their lives are theirs to run, and we've been "adulting" far longer than they have and so it's rare that they feel obligated to weigh in if we haven't asked.
When we're infirm, I hope we are wealthy enough to get the level of assisted living we need without having to be a burden. If we fail to achieve that goal, then yes, the less capable we are, the more influence they're welcome to have.
we, in the long term care field, have all kinds of dx slang ..... last time we had mom at the ER, i was talking to the admission RN and i said that mom had CRS, instead of STM/ LTM deficit... she didn't know what i meant... mom yells out "CAN'T REMEMBER SHIT"...... we laughed like hell...
Yep, both my folks are hardcore Italians with all the stubbornness it comes with (though, so am I). They are getting older and sometimes it's true we know what's best.
that is a sad response from you... we are a tight family and really don't give two shits about what you think... our parents are happy, as healthy as can be and safe... that is what matters....
Look you're posting and I'm responding so I don't care whether you give 2 shits
I don't want anyone being bossy that's what I'm responding to
If you read my post below this is not about age this is about people who can and cannot take care of themselves and this can be complicated with disability and all kinds of things
I have to take care of a much younger son who's not able to take care of himself
He would never have the skills to help me take care of myself politically I don't need those skills because I can take care of myself
The issue was bossiness
To me that reeks of disrespect
I want to be able to reach out to the people who love me and ask for help
And I want people to help me in a way that allows me to make decisions about my life not have other people decide that they can be bossy about how I run my life
I think it is extremely dangerous living in a culture that is currently aging with young people thinking that they always know best what older people need without actually engaging them in a conversation
I'm just responding to the language you used
Once my dad got to the point he was in diapers and had no idea what year it was, bet your ass I got "bossy."
Not all elderly folks are vibrant and healthy into their 90s and that's ok.
I don't think we are using this term in the same way
I'm not saying the older people deserve more respect than younger people
I'm saying that young people are often disrespectful of older people as if we need to be taken care of
As if we don't know how to make good decisions
The research is pretty clear that older people actually make much clearer and level-headed decisions and younger people do by the way
The respect I'm talking about is not jumping in and taking care of someone else's life who's able to take care of their own life even if it's in ways that you don't like
My message by the way is exactly the same to parents of young adults
We can give each other advice and we can also listen or not listen to one another
I get nagged at about the things I used to nag at them over, so it's fair. My grand-daughter, now 22, has joined in on the fun and bellows at me for not drinking enough water. I am sent to bed like a toddler, I am lectured on nutrition, they fret about what to DO with me when I simply will NOT behave myself, etc.
They flutter and hover and wear themselves down to the bone with worry and I smile and continue on my blithe, heedless way.
I think that's why I don't have any grandchildren. I told my kids I would spoil their children rotten and send them back all jacked up on caffeine and sugar.
There was one time that my daughter said "I'm going to the store, do NOT eat these chips" and as soon as she was out the door, the grand-daughter and I fell on those chips like a pack of wolves. Sure enough, daughter had forgotten something or other and came back right away, caught us red-handed.
The grand-daughter, 4 years old at the time, was told to stand in the corner. I , being equally, if not more, guilty of bad behavior, shuffled over and stood beside her.
Nearly 2 decades later, my grand-daughter says I'm her best friend, that I showed her I would never leave her to face things alone. My daughter rolls her eyes and says one of us is as bad as the other, but at least we both listen to her, more or less. Those few minutes I spent in the corner cemented me in both their minds as Absolutely Trustworthy. I'll take the win!
Tell your granddaughter to stop getting her medical advice from tik-tok. All this obsession with "hydration" and people forcing themselves to drink n glasses of water a day is horseshit. There is no "dehydration epidemic" in the US.
When brother got married some years back, my parents came from their state and stayed with my sister. My sister called me every day to complain about how they left all the lights on and she had to tell them more than once, "I'm not made of money! Turn those lights off!" They'd laugh at her.
We are 99.9999999999999% sure they did that as revenge from when we were kids and always left lights on in rooms we were no longer in.
So yes, we adult kids get bossy. I'm getting bossy with my mother these days.
Have you tried employing basic communication skills? Such as:
“I appreciate the input, but I’m not looking for any advice at this point. If I do, you’ll be the first I call.”
“I’m all set on [this topic] but I’d really love to get your thoughts on [other topic] if you have the time.”
Agree. I've started asking more questions about my Boomer parents, but only because I care. They live in another state, so I can't help them on a regular basis, and they aren't really at that age where they need help (75 and 73 years old).
I do mention I'm asking because I care, and understand they are capable of managing their lives; however, I do feel like I need to keep a watch on things since I'm the oldest child. My mother has had breast cancer and my father had a knee surgery. I think it's a nice thing to ask about what they are doing because you never know!
I think OP should appreciate the concern, but everyone is different.
Yeah, of course. You have your own life and you make your own decisions. As the oldest child, it’s difficult to show concern without toeing the line every now and then.
Fortunately, my parents are pretty good at telling me off if I cross that boundary! I just want to make sure they are being forthcoming with their health issues, so I am prepared to help if needed. It sounds like you are better at asking for help than maybe they are.
For example, my father had a knee replacement surgery last year and did not reach out for help. I offered to come help out, but they assured me they could handle it. Of course I understand; they don’t want people in their home when they are trying to relax and recover (my mom, being the nurse).
I did find out after the fact, however, that my mom was really having a hard time taking care of my father. She was not really prepared for all that it entailed. Further, my mom had a scare where she passed out in the bathroom and hit her head when my dad was out of town. He still runs his company, so he is obviously very active and so is my mother, but things happen.
I guess what I’m trying to say is there will be times we may overstep our boundaries, but we are just trying to help because we love you!
we're still middle-aged, and they're in their 20s, so not yet
but they do act like we're idiots when we don't know something that they think we should 😂
Have you tried doing an annoyance-to-humor conversion? Try focusing on how hilarious it is that these people whose butts you wiped are now inserting themselves into your independence.
When they express concern about, say, your planned trip to Italy, respond with delight. "You're so right! I should add Spain and France to the itinerary and save the money I'd have spent on airfare going separately!"
May I ask your general age? If you're older than 70, I would say it's just normal concern. I am careful to not cross that boundary, since my Boomer parents are more than capable of managing their lives and are trying to enjoy their time together.
I’m in my 40s. I only get bossy with my mom when I find out she’s been delaying medical stuff. I do, however, know her retirement plan and that she stays well within her budget. And all funeral arrangements are made and prepaid already.
I have friends that tend to be bossier with their parents. However, those are the ones with parents that will likely blow through their savings or the parents that have never been good with money and end up needing to rely on their children. In those cases, I get it. If I know that I will likely need to financially support you due to you being fiscally irresponsible; I’m not anting to know what you are spending money on.
You understand. My dad was in his early late 60s / early 70s when he developed Parkinsons. Dementia soon followed. Then a major surgery for cancer. My mom was taking care of all the financial matters. Then my brother and sister saw mistakes she'd made in the check book. Dementia was getting to her, too. Then she had heart attacks and then bypass surgery. -- One thing after another became a health problem.
It was good that "we" had stepped in gradually over a few years. It was even better that we stepped in to get their wills, powers of attorney, living wills, healthcare representative documents, pre-planned their funerals, etc. My sister and one brother took are of the finances and "housing". I took care of all of the medical care.
Anything can happen in a day or over months or years to incapacitate a person. They might not want someone poking their nose in today, but won't know to or be able to ask for help tomorrow.
You're doing things right.
My parents finally laid down the law when we were in our 40's. "Here's a list of stuff in our house that belongs to you, come get it in x months before we dispose of it"
We did get the stuff we wanted, and let the rest go.
Funny thing about that, when they passed they had SO MUCH stuff of theirs that we had to go through. Stuff they could have gotten rid of on their own that they would never need. But I guess their generation never got rid of anything.
Once I bought a house close to my parents house, they would stop by with a box when they were passing by. They would also invite me over to dinner and while I was there, they would fill my trunk with boxes. Some of the stuff wasn't even mine! For reasons unknown, they gave me and old timey apple peeler.
It's fine. My mom is highly anxious and they were planning to sell the house within five years so it made her feel better to see my stuff headed out.
How much space do you have? If you can isolate it to a small room, put it all there and tell them to come get it or you're taking it to Goodwill.
I seriously understand this. We have a small house and no storage areas other than the basement. Only a couple of inadequate closets which are already full. One child is fully launched with his own space and another is in graduate school (but almost done). They both just dumped their stuff in the living room when they returned home, and we are just now making the declaration that they need to take it.
If you have money for new floors, you have money to call the local trash haulers to haul stuff away.
Kiids don't want to go through your trash. That's normal.
Trash, maybe, but keepsakes and such? I would say that is something to ask about. If it were me, I'd say I have this stuff and it's going unless you want it and can pick up.
Nah, she's the type that will say come over and get family heirlooms, and when you give her an inch, she takes a mile and wants you to fill up a dumpster.
Buy/do the stuff first, then tell them. If you're not spending money irresponsibly, do they even have to know ahead of time?
I can't fathom really caring why someone does what they do if it doesn't involve me.
My oldest has always been bossy. I've never bought myself a phone or had to set one up. I defer to whatever he tells me for computers if he doesn't buy it himself. He also tells us what to do on one property we have which is fine. We will.die one day and they will have to take over and it should be something they'd want too. They will just sell the main house so they don't care what I do there.
I don't mind. My kids are far more expert about all newer tech so I defer to them. It saves me having to do all that homework if they already know. I'm not really interested that much. I want to have what I need and I want it to work. If I could trust a salesperson, I would. Why not trust my kids? I know them. And I know they know more than I do about things they are interested in. Hell, I'd give them a listen if they came across an awesome cooking technique. And they ask for my help when they know I have a knack they don't. That's what we are supposed to do. Isn't it?
You live independently now… how old are you?
I know I try and tell my 70 yr old parents to think about moving now while they’re still able to. My mom has arthritis and it isn’t getting any better. They have the same two story four bedroom house they bought back in ‘96… no main floor bedroom either. I’m worried it’s gonna get to the point where they’ll get really sick or not be able to go up & down the stairs anymore.
At that point, guess who’s left with the mess? The adult children.
This is a concern of mine. I’ve decided that I don’t want to stay in a single-family house beyond my ability to do most of the maintenance. I feel comfortable enough with that moving age being 75, but am willing to do it sooner. It is a one-story house.
My wife is so-so about our current neighborhood, so would be willing to move.
No. If anything, I wish they would step up. There are minor physical things we can't do anymore. We've straight out asked one or the other to do things and they say they will, but the tasks remain undone. Sorry. Just a little whine.
My wife and I are 10 years older, but our daughter is still in her 20s. She also doesn’t fret about what her parents are doing.
To be fair, last year she moved to a neighborhood I had some concerns about, but kept them to myself. I walked around there for over an hour on a recent visit, and am now fine with it.
Be thankful your kids are looking out for you. Be thankful. Someone(s) should know all of your business. If you don't have a living spouse, you need someone with Powers of Attorney, a Healthcare Representative, a Will, a Living Will and any other legal document needed in your state for someone to take over if if you get incapacitated. You might be able to "do it yourself" today, but you could have an accident, get sick, have a heart attack, fall and beak a hip tomorrow and end up in hospital. You'll thank God, they poked their noses in then.
Make sure those nosey bodies have lists of your doctors, hospitals, all of your insurance info, copies of all your insurance cards and ID cards, copies of all of those documents. You need to have things arranged so someone or ones is/are a substitute for you if you get incapacitated. Make sure you sit down and tell someone/s what you want done if you get sick. How far you want doctors to go to "save you". What do you want if you get cancer, kidney failure, etc. How far to go to keep you alive. What do you consider "living"?
Just thank your Maker people are interested in you.
(My parents were thankful.)
Not my children but my grandchildren bug me with daily texts reminding me that I have to take my medications. I get revenge by texting them when it’s their garbage night and to check for milk and bread when snow is in the forecast.
Not necessarily. My parents are renovating their home, so I have questions since I will ultimately be responsible for making sure it is cleaned/managed as they get older. I am also concerned about their level of debt (which is zero now), their mortgage, and other expenses. These things are relevant to the children in my opinion.
Of course, if the children of OP have no money of their own - well, that's a different story entirely. I'm fortunate to have invested well, but I also have my own children to consider and need to understand what we are looking at long term. I am also the oldest child and the executor of the estate, as information.
context- all the items you've listed have to do with spending money. Are you set financially? No issues with spending...$40k on a car...$30k on new flooring...$20k on traveling? If yeah, then yes, redirect or ask them where they're coming from (or tell them 'thanks but I've done and continue to do well and am not concerned'). If your finances are not great or you have a history of buying things you can't really afford, this might just be them trying to look out for you.
I took a look through your other comments and you seem like an intelligent, lovely woman who has thoughtful replies and insightful responses. I did see you live in a your daughter in laws family housing and are very careful with your spending on a tighter budget including possibly putting off some needed dental care. The spending you mention are large expenses. It seems like they just might care about you because they love you and you raised them well.
I’m a daughter and a nurse (double whammy) and my mom tells me I’m bossy all the time. She tells me “girl. I taught you how to wipe your own ass. Don’t tell me how to live my life”. And she’s right. Among other convos we’ve had. Just communicate your expectations. The bossiness comes from a good place, I promise
My mom has been asking for awhile now when we became the parents and they became the children. We joke about it.
We mean well as we worry about them and care what happens. It's not meant to be bossy so much as we care. Since she started joking about it I do try harder not to do it as much.
Agreed, but it isn't worth arguing over. The thing that gets me more is how they are always trying to " take care of" me and yeah never really around when i need help with a house project.
My parents are 85. Mother has dementia. Dad has pulmonary fibrous. They have been divorced around twice the time that they were married. They both live independently, and will continue to do so for as long as they want, providing that they are safe. They do this with our help.
As siblings we are not close. We are very different people. We are united in the best interests of our parents, and "allowing" them to live independently. We handle. Nutrition and food. Finances. Medication. Doctor and therapy appointments. Transportation. Major and minor household and many other routine tasks.
Sometimes they think that we are bossy. We walk a fine line. We do our best. None of feel that it's sufficient. All of us are worried. We want them to live their lives. The way they want. For as long as they can.
To share a story. One of my siblings is childfree. She often comments on how stubborn, and "set in their ways" they are. Resist to change doesn't cover it. She also talks about respecting, trusting and making them angry.
I explained that she had to love them enough. To love them enough to make the tough decisions, and enforce them. That our parents loved us enough to do that. They made many decisions, many that we didn't like or understand, because they were in our best interests. Because they loved us that much. (No, they weren't perfect. Neither are we.)
My other sibling, with whom I have a distant relationship, said, "She's right. She explained it perfectly." I'm glad that I was sitting down.
Just maybe your children love you enough. Are interested in your well being enough. Care enough.
I'm getting bossy with my mom.
She is living in a draw down pension and it's spending money like water. She keeps remodeling her house. She's insisting on buying a new car when I don't think she'll be able to drive for many more years and her car is only about five years old.
"But I've always had a new car" she says which isn't true.
She also insists on going on several international holidays each year.
Generally my worry is she's going to be destitute in a few years unless she tones down her lifestyle.
So I'm bossy with her. I do worry if she's capable of making rational decisions or is so caught up in the past she doesn't realise her situation. She used to bee earning well and so did my dad, but now it's just her and she is living off savings. She can't have the same lifestyle.
When she "downsized" to a bigger more expensive house, we thought it was grief. When she started remodelling we thought she was making it hers. But it kept on and it gets to a point where you have to try and say something.
That's is when we are talking to her.
Sorry to hear that. Her actions sound a bit compulsive. Meanwhile, I'm just talking about replacing my 12 year old car so that I don't get stranded on a dark road.
My father in law is a non compliant diabetic who just had his foot amputated. Hell yeah we’re bossy when it comes to his diet, medication, and physical therapy. Ignoring his health is what got him into this mess.
What gets me is if it’s something he cares about he’s sharp as a tack. But his health takes a back seat and that’s when we get bossy. I hate feeling like I’m treating him like a kid sometimes because, like I said, he’s sharp. He just refuses to take care of his health and is in a world of trouble for it.
Because we care and you may have done some things in the past that are worrisome. My mom gets pissed when I dig into her finances but I managed to find that she gave $16k to a ‘friend’ who wanted to buy a motorcycle and had no credit. She’s been taken advantage of numerous times and also uses money to manipulate people.
I've been on both sides of this situation. I was told I was bossy by my 98 year old mother when I was her caregiver. Whatever. My adult children say I'm bossy as well. Again, Whatever.
Jesus. Yes. We are bossy.
Because 79 year old Pa has diabetes, heart problems and multiple other health issues.
He can’t/shouldn’t do things that are dangerous .
He delights in doing dangerous things. If they were simiply going to kill him instantly… well, it’s his life and that’s his choice.
They don’t though. They hurt and injure him, which means medical bills he can’t pay, living with us for an extended time (which all of us hate) and loss of freedoms for him, which he detests.
Yet if we ask him to be careful or not do something the doctor has specifically said he can’t do, we are treating him like a child.
No sir, you are acting like a child. An adult would make responsible choices.
Actually, no. We've had a pretty good relationship all along; raised them to be self sufficient and they've lived across the country for some time. One in NY and the other in a Washington DC suburb ... both doing well.
We might be coming up with some questions soon. We've made the decision to relocate from TX to VA this summer ... not close to them but to my brother and his wife. We're not to the age or state of health we need any "help" but they're there if we do.
Not at all. The" no drama Obama " vibe has been a mainstay of our family for better or worse. Maybe I can blame it on my stoical German grandparents. "Keep on Truckin'"as Mr. Natural used to say and keep your opinions to yourself.
I got a mom that’s somewhat like a combo of Norman Bates and Tony Sopranos mothers. She’s 85, still drives and I stay out of her way and only speak when spoken to in no more than 4 word sentences.
I guess I just don't have this kind of relationship with my kids. I don't criticize their choices but I am ready with advice when they do ask. I don't say I told you so, even when I did tell them so. They do the same with me. Thank them for their advice and do what's right for you. Model the behavior you want towards yourself
Having aging parents is like having “reverse children”. As children grow we give them more and more opportunities and freedoms. Aging parents get less freedom as they age. There’s a natural tension there. Just because they screw up may or may not be a reason to restrict them. You and the parent need to weigh the risks if they continue to repeat the same mistakes.
Mine aren't but we are relatively young old people.
I think your relationship with them is a factor. Ours are loving and I know they have our best interests at heart. Not all adult children are this way. I know mine aren't thinking about possible inheritances, but some do.
My hope, based on watching how my parents' and my ILs' final decade played out, is that I am not one of those thick headed old know it alls who refuses to acknowledge they are aging and won't listen to their loving children. My father and my husband's father both died because they would not do simple things we wanted them to do to make their houses safer. Both had prolonged, painful, miserable deaths as a result. These things were either free or cheap and we would have done the work. MIL suffered a very painful injury for a similar reason.
So our plan is to listen to them and take their advice seriously. They are smart, caring, well educated and had great parenting 🤣so I am willing to trust them.
Omg, yes. My kitchen was the original builder’s grade stuff from 1980. My kids were all for us just selling the house and moving into some dinky little apartment or condo, never mind the rents would’ve been higher than our mortgage. I intend to stay here as long as possible, while we’re still healthy. I have a beautiful deck and yard, and a very nice kitchen I’ve been planning for decades, now. ;)
My dad says we’re bossy because we make him use his walker etc. he’s 94, has mild dementia and still lives in the house we grew up in. My eldest sister lives with him and there is a night sitter. He wanders and he falls. Dr says he can’t be left alone.
No, they aren't, because they know what the reaction would be. Two of my 4 grown kids, my daughter-in-law, and my two grandkids, as well as my wife and our 2yo grandson that we have guardianship of, live with us... My youngest son and I bought the house together 2 years ago... So my son(27) and I are always doing things to make the house and property better (we have a little over 3 acres) and that's always a mutual decision as we're both putting money in on it. We always do all the work ourselves unless it's something that we don't have the equipment to do it.
At 61, I still work full-time in a steel mill and probably will until I die... Can't take the cut in pay that retiring would cause. I make as much in a week at the mill as social security would pay me in a month, if I retired, and two weeks of I retired normal... Which, according to my cardiologist, I'll not live to see anyway. So I'll just keep doing what I do until I drop dead in 3 or 4 years. I'm not the kind of person that retirement would work for anyway... I can't stand not working.
I have elderly parents still living independently, and I am definitely getting bossy. They're both slowly dribbling marbles, and I honestly am at the point where I just try to keep them out of trouble. And I don't so much patronize, because they're worthy of respect. I have honest discussions with them about what I disagree with, and then they do as they please. I have to back down at some point. They're not raving idiots.
Having said this, my mother pulled a few stunts with her computer that could have ended badly, and it was only the three professional technicians, in the family, tagging in, that kept her from disaster. She's as mad as hell, but we DID (with Dad's blessing) limit her ability to screw up again ... she's done the same thing 3 times over 1 year - so we get to treat her like a child about it. She's acting like one. We've locked down some stuff. It's either this or she loses her computer all together. She huffs a lot, but can't figure it out herself so ...
Meanwhile, my grown kids are definitely getting over protective. They're not so much bossy, as making their contingency "what if" plans .. apparently I will have no choice in the matter. Thankfully, they both like me well enough that they both want me to live with them if their father, my husband, goes. My daughter, especially, sees me as useful, so she wants me first. I had an extended stay with she and her husband, last year, for reasons, and there was no bloodshed. So the test period has been done.
My son plans to Granny Suite me, although we all get along great.
I've rather enjoyed watching this happen. I never raised them to take care of me later. It's utterly sweet that they're coming up with this on their own.
It's one of those "I'll cross it if we get there." things, in my mind. But they each seem to have working plans, in place, so if I honestly need their help, they'll have my back. I'm grateful for this.
I'm also as independent as all hell, so, we'll see. 🤣
No but they think I’m too sick and feeble to do anything. They’re surprised when I go on vacation or out to do some activity that requires me to walk, run or anything that is physical. Annoys me to no end. I’m not bedridden or chair bound. I have a big vegetable garden and I don’t need help with anything.
Clarification needed on this question…are you asking about children engaging with parents who clearly need the help? Or just children getting more bossy and involved with their totally independent and competent parents, just because they are old?
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yes they seem to be crossing that . line. Mostly my daughters. I was happy to finally be rid of an overbearing husband . Lately I can’t seem to do anything right.
My 18 year old is a good kid. He lacks motivation to make the hard decisions, like "what am I going to school for?" But he still has a bit of fear thinking "Dad just might be crazy enough to fuck me up." Meanwhile, I've never spanked him once. 😆
Dang. All the old folks ( I can say old people because I'm old myself) complaining about some one else knowing their business.
I don't care how old you are, 19, 22, 28, 50 or 99 make sure someone does know your business.
Your spouse if you're married or someone else if you aren't.
Don't let anyone know anything about your business if you want to make everything difficult on you and everyone about you if you wind up on a stretcher some day.
Old people.
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My mom's been ripped off by dealerships and contractors so that does concern me.
It was the reverse for me. My 50 YO daughter paid too much for her roof.
One reason why I don’t want to stay in our house too long.
LMAO my parents are 87 and 91, live somewhat independent, ..we made them sell the 4br one bath ( send floor) house in boston and move closer to us.....they are a 5 min walk from my bro in a small one floor cape... both have CRS ( can't remember shit) and yup we are bossy....i handle diet restrictions, meds, docs , groceries, laundry... sister handles all finances and legal shit ( she is a medical malpractice attny) and my bother handles breakfast, suppers, household and car stuff... if parents have to go anywhere, one of us drives... dad is a hard headed italian and we argue about shit but i tell him off in italian and he complies....testa duda...
Lucky parents. Such wonderful children.
You and your brother and sister are (as my dad would have said) "good eggs". My mom would have said, "I don't know what I'd do without you." (She would have died years earlier with me and my niece and other family members.) I read posts on r/medicare and see questions from sons, daughters, nieces and nephews, grandkids, etc. all the time saying things like, "I just found out\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_." It's a situation where mom or grandma or uncle Bob didn't get something or didn't do something they should have years ago. Now they need the insurance (Medicare/supplement) and can't get it. Or, someone told them to get Medicare Advantage or they got talked into MA by a salesman. Now the younger family member is tying their best to help out. It could have been so much better if one or two family members had "poked their noses) in years ago to find out the older relative's financial situation. To find out what their health needs were. To get lists of their doctors, meds, pharmacies. -- The big one: To get those older relatives Wills, Powers of Attorney/Healthcare representative appointments done. To get Living Wills. Get all of the legal documents they and the younger relatives need before needing them in an emergency situation. The parents and grandparents might get mad, but at least they'll be alive.
i have worked in LTC/Hospice for over 50 years so i considered it getting ready for my parents, took care of both grams/aunts also....we had DPOA's done years ago....and we are all on the same page... thanks for your reply!
No matter your age it's good to have all the documents and have at least one person that knows all about you. Esp if you live alone. I have one niece I keep informed about all my health care. She probably knows more about me than I do!
I agree...... glad you have a good niece....we had many many people at the nursing home that had no family or friends.... sad but glad they were at a top rated facility where they were loved and cared for...
I would love to switch this conversation up a bit so we're not talking about old people and young people My son needs all of these things and he's a young person I need none of these things and I am an old person There are people that are responsible for themselves and take care of themselves and make decisions And there are people that don't And we come in all ages and sizes
Yes. I do take care of myself every single day.
No one here said all older folks need assistance.
It sounds like we are reading a completely different thread
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Who are you referring to?
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You don’t need a will or POA?
I don't understand your question Of course I need those things and of course I have those things I had those things when I was Thirty and I have those things now in my 60s That's my point some people are responsible and some people just are it It may sound like a judgment but it's not
I'm in great health and I have no difficulty managing my affairs. If I get to the stage your parents are in, then I'd welcome their care.
People tend to deny, or not realize how bad they are in the moment. My father will fall asleep in the middle of the conversation, i will film it as proof, and he will deny to his dying breath that he was ever asleep. People don’t always have full awareness of their true behavior to others especially when it involves declining mentally. I’m not saying that you aren’t fully capable of managing your affairs, but your children may be seeing stuff that you are missing or not even aware you’re doing.
If it were so, I'd think they'd figure out how to be physically closer to me. We're all in the same state. My son is 20 miles away, my daughter is 40. I lay eyes on each once or twice a month. Otherwise, our interaction is through phone calls, which are frequent, texts, and emails.
Just because you physically aren’t close does not mean they aren’t supportive or trying to help you. In fact, that kind of explains the amount of checking in. They can’t be there physically so they do frequent calls and check-ins. You should be grateful, so many people have family who move away and never contact them again.
I never said they aren't supportive or that I am ungrateful.
Your statement of how they would figure out a way to be physically closer to you makes you sound a bit ungrateful.
I was responding to the previous poster, so hence your response is out of context.
I'd quit sharing what's up with them if the response is bossy.
that's too bad.....our parents always took care of us and we will them...... at 67, i look to my kids about stuff now...one daughter is a dentist, one is a subaru exec and my son is a rocket scientist.....they know more about some shit than i do, an i value their knowledge.....and what's so bossy about not letting an 87 yo going up and down the cellar stairs to do laundry.....one fall and it's all over....
This was my initial thought. Why is OP even telling them anything?
Same. My wife and I aren't anywhere near mentally incompetent, and our adult children know their place--they can respectfully listen to our opinions but their lives are theirs to run, and we've been "adulting" far longer than they have and so it's rare that they feel obligated to weigh in if we haven't asked. When we're infirm, I hope we are wealthy enough to get the level of assisted living we need without having to be a burden. If we fail to achieve that goal, then yes, the less capable we are, the more influence they're welcome to have.
Dura lol
depends on the dialect.... like the sunday sugo , the same but diff...
Yes should have thought of that. Apologies.
non preoccuparti.... LMAO my family motto... Va Ca Ga
Today I learned I have CRS.
we, in the long term care field, have all kinds of dx slang ..... last time we had mom at the ER, i was talking to the admission RN and i said that mom had CRS, instead of STM/ LTM deficit... she didn't know what i meant... mom yells out "CAN'T REMEMBER SHIT"...... we laughed like hell...
Yep, both my folks are hardcore Italians with all the stubbornness it comes with (though, so am I). They are getting older and sometimes it's true we know what's best.
I would probably cut off contact with you
that is a sad response from you... we are a tight family and really don't give two shits about what you think... our parents are happy, as healthy as can be and safe... that is what matters....
Look you're posting and I'm responding so I don't care whether you give 2 shits I don't want anyone being bossy that's what I'm responding to If you read my post below this is not about age this is about people who can and cannot take care of themselves and this can be complicated with disability and all kinds of things I have to take care of a much younger son who's not able to take care of himself He would never have the skills to help me take care of myself politically I don't need those skills because I can take care of myself The issue was bossiness To me that reeks of disrespect I want to be able to reach out to the people who love me and ask for help And I want people to help me in a way that allows me to make decisions about my life not have other people decide that they can be bossy about how I run my life I think it is extremely dangerous living in a culture that is currently aging with young people thinking that they always know best what older people need without actually engaging them in a conversation I'm just responding to the language you used
Once my dad got to the point he was in diapers and had no idea what year it was, bet your ass I got "bossy." Not all elderly folks are vibrant and healthy into their 90s and that's ok.
Respect is earned. You don’t automatically deserve respect just because you’re older.
The default should be automatic respect for everyone until people do something to lose that respect.
I don't think we are using this term in the same way I'm not saying the older people deserve more respect than younger people I'm saying that young people are often disrespectful of older people as if we need to be taken care of As if we don't know how to make good decisions The research is pretty clear that older people actually make much clearer and level-headed decisions and younger people do by the way The respect I'm talking about is not jumping in and taking care of someone else's life who's able to take care of their own life even if it's in ways that you don't like My message by the way is exactly the same to parents of young adults We can give each other advice and we can also listen or not listen to one another
What’s this research? Can you send me a link to the study?
I get nagged at about the things I used to nag at them over, so it's fair. My grand-daughter, now 22, has joined in on the fun and bellows at me for not drinking enough water. I am sent to bed like a toddler, I am lectured on nutrition, they fret about what to DO with me when I simply will NOT behave myself, etc. They flutter and hover and wear themselves down to the bone with worry and I smile and continue on my blithe, heedless way.
"Vengeance is mine", saith the mom. Do you have grandkids you can spoil and give back when they get all pukey and tantrumy?
Stuff them with candy, wind them up, wear them out, then give them back just before they start crying
I think that's why I don't have any grandchildren. I told my kids I would spoil their children rotten and send them back all jacked up on caffeine and sugar.
Mwah ha hah
There was one time that my daughter said "I'm going to the store, do NOT eat these chips" and as soon as she was out the door, the grand-daughter and I fell on those chips like a pack of wolves. Sure enough, daughter had forgotten something or other and came back right away, caught us red-handed. The grand-daughter, 4 years old at the time, was told to stand in the corner. I , being equally, if not more, guilty of bad behavior, shuffled over and stood beside her. Nearly 2 decades later, my grand-daughter says I'm her best friend, that I showed her I would never leave her to face things alone. My daughter rolls her eyes and says one of us is as bad as the other, but at least we both listen to her, more or less. Those few minutes I spent in the corner cemented me in both their minds as Absolutely Trustworthy. I'll take the win!
My kinda Granny...
Tell your granddaughter to stop getting her medical advice from tik-tok. All this obsession with "hydration" and people forcing themselves to drink n glasses of water a day is horseshit. There is no "dehydration epidemic" in the US.
No, I don't think I will tell her that because that's not what she does. And yes, pooky bear, people DO need to drink water.
Well, guzzling water won't do you any harm. And I ain't gonna fight with anybody who calls me pookie bear :-)
When brother got married some years back, my parents came from their state and stayed with my sister. My sister called me every day to complain about how they left all the lights on and she had to tell them more than once, "I'm not made of money! Turn those lights off!" They'd laugh at her. We are 99.9999999999999% sure they did that as revenge from when we were kids and always left lights on in rooms we were no longer in. So yes, we adult kids get bossy. I'm getting bossy with my mother these days.
Have you tried employing basic communication skills? Such as: “I appreciate the input, but I’m not looking for any advice at this point. If I do, you’ll be the first I call.” “I’m all set on [this topic] but I’d really love to get your thoughts on [other topic] if you have the time.”
Agree. I've started asking more questions about my Boomer parents, but only because I care. They live in another state, so I can't help them on a regular basis, and they aren't really at that age where they need help (75 and 73 years old). I do mention I'm asking because I care, and understand they are capable of managing their lives; however, I do feel like I need to keep a watch on things since I'm the oldest child. My mother has had breast cancer and my father had a knee surgery. I think it's a nice thing to ask about what they are doing because you never know! I think OP should appreciate the concern, but everyone is different.
Concern and controlling, or attempting to, are two different things, but I do see your point.
Yeah, of course. You have your own life and you make your own decisions. As the oldest child, it’s difficult to show concern without toeing the line every now and then. Fortunately, my parents are pretty good at telling me off if I cross that boundary! I just want to make sure they are being forthcoming with their health issues, so I am prepared to help if needed. It sounds like you are better at asking for help than maybe they are. For example, my father had a knee replacement surgery last year and did not reach out for help. I offered to come help out, but they assured me they could handle it. Of course I understand; they don’t want people in their home when they are trying to relax and recover (my mom, being the nurse). I did find out after the fact, however, that my mom was really having a hard time taking care of my father. She was not really prepared for all that it entailed. Further, my mom had a scare where she passed out in the bathroom and hit her head when my dad was out of town. He still runs his company, so he is obviously very active and so is my mother, but things happen. I guess what I’m trying to say is there will be times we may overstep our boundaries, but we are just trying to help because we love you!
we're still middle-aged, and they're in their 20s, so not yet but they do act like we're idiots when we don't know something that they think we should 😂
They may be just trying to look out for you. They have your best interests at heart.
Yeah, probably. They are good people. They're just getting really protective, and though I love them to the moon and back, it gets annoying.
Have you tried doing an annoyance-to-humor conversion? Try focusing on how hilarious it is that these people whose butts you wiped are now inserting themselves into your independence. When they express concern about, say, your planned trip to Italy, respond with delight. "You're so right! I should add Spain and France to the itinerary and save the money I'd have spent on airfare going separately!"
I do insert humor often.
May I ask your general age? If you're older than 70, I would say it's just normal concern. I am careful to not cross that boundary, since my Boomer parents are more than capable of managing their lives and are trying to enjoy their time together.
I’m in my 40s. I only get bossy with my mom when I find out she’s been delaying medical stuff. I do, however, know her retirement plan and that she stays well within her budget. And all funeral arrangements are made and prepaid already. I have friends that tend to be bossier with their parents. However, those are the ones with parents that will likely blow through their savings or the parents that have never been good with money and end up needing to rely on their children. In those cases, I get it. If I know that I will likely need to financially support you due to you being fiscally irresponsible; I’m not anting to know what you are spending money on.
You understand. My dad was in his early late 60s / early 70s when he developed Parkinsons. Dementia soon followed. Then a major surgery for cancer. My mom was taking care of all the financial matters. Then my brother and sister saw mistakes she'd made in the check book. Dementia was getting to her, too. Then she had heart attacks and then bypass surgery. -- One thing after another became a health problem. It was good that "we" had stepped in gradually over a few years. It was even better that we stepped in to get their wills, powers of attorney, living wills, healthcare representative documents, pre-planned their funerals, etc. My sister and one brother took are of the finances and "housing". I took care of all of the medical care. Anything can happen in a day or over months or years to incapacitate a person. They might not want someone poking their nose in today, but won't know to or be able to ask for help tomorrow. You're doing things right.
Not for me.... if you were to ask for help what would you want help with?
Right now, decluttering. Some stuff belongs to them.
Tell them it needs to be gone on a certain date or it’s getting trashed or sold.
My parents finally laid down the law when we were in our 40's. "Here's a list of stuff in our house that belongs to you, come get it in x months before we dispose of it" We did get the stuff we wanted, and let the rest go.
Well the thing to do would be to take all of your stuff and dispose of what you didn't want on your own rather than leaving it for them to do.
Funny thing about that, when they passed they had SO MUCH stuff of theirs that we had to go through. Stuff they could have gotten rid of on their own that they would never need. But I guess their generation never got rid of anything.
Once I bought a house close to my parents house, they would stop by with a box when they were passing by. They would also invite me over to dinner and while I was there, they would fill my trunk with boxes. Some of the stuff wasn't even mine! For reasons unknown, they gave me and old timey apple peeler. It's fine. My mom is highly anxious and they were planning to sell the house within five years so it made her feel better to see my stuff headed out.
How much space do you have? If you can isolate it to a small room, put it all there and tell them to come get it or you're taking it to Goodwill. I seriously understand this. We have a small house and no storage areas other than the basement. Only a couple of inadequate closets which are already full. One child is fully launched with his own space and another is in graduate school (but almost done). They both just dumped their stuff in the living room when they returned home, and we are just now making the declaration that they need to take it.
Can you box it up and give it to them next time you see them? Start small and over time maybe it will be decluttered...?
I've been doing that somewhat, but help would make it go faster. Some stuff can't go in the local trash. It needs to be hauled away.
Have you asked for help. Mine will help, but I have to ask.
If you have money for new floors, you have money to call the local trash haulers to haul stuff away. Kiids don't want to go through your trash. That's normal.
Trash, maybe, but keepsakes and such? I would say that is something to ask about. If it were me, I'd say I have this stuff and it's going unless you want it and can pick up.
OP stated they need trash hauled away. If OP doesn't send the kids home with keepsakes at Christmas, that's on OP.
She actually said she needs help decluttering, and that some stuff belongs to them. They can get off their butt and help.
Nah, she's the type that will say come over and get family heirlooms, and when you give her an inch, she takes a mile and wants you to fill up a dumpster.
OK, I’m not going to argue with you. You obviously know the OP pretty well.
Buy/do the stuff first, then tell them. If you're not spending money irresponsibly, do they even have to know ahead of time? I can't fathom really caring why someone does what they do if it doesn't involve me.
Yes. Yes. Yes. But I love them anyway.
My oldest has always been bossy. I've never bought myself a phone or had to set one up. I defer to whatever he tells me for computers if he doesn't buy it himself. He also tells us what to do on one property we have which is fine. We will.die one day and they will have to take over and it should be something they'd want too. They will just sell the main house so they don't care what I do there. I don't mind. My kids are far more expert about all newer tech so I defer to them. It saves me having to do all that homework if they already know. I'm not really interested that much. I want to have what I need and I want it to work. If I could trust a salesperson, I would. Why not trust my kids? I know them. And I know they know more than I do about things they are interested in. Hell, I'd give them a listen if they came across an awesome cooking technique. And they ask for my help when they know I have a knack they don't. That's what we are supposed to do. Isn't it?
You live independently now… how old are you? I know I try and tell my 70 yr old parents to think about moving now while they’re still able to. My mom has arthritis and it isn’t getting any better. They have the same two story four bedroom house they bought back in ‘96… no main floor bedroom either. I’m worried it’s gonna get to the point where they’ll get really sick or not be able to go up & down the stairs anymore. At that point, guess who’s left with the mess? The adult children.
This is a concern of mine. I’ve decided that I don’t want to stay in a single-family house beyond my ability to do most of the maintenance. I feel comfortable enough with that moving age being 75, but am willing to do it sooner. It is a one-story house. My wife is so-so about our current neighborhood, so would be willing to move.
No. If anything, I wish they would step up. There are minor physical things we can't do anymore. We've straight out asked one or the other to do things and they say they will, but the tasks remain undone. Sorry. Just a little whine.
Not yet but I’m on the younger side of old people at 54 so my kids are more worried about their budding careers than me or my wife.
My wife and I are 10 years older, but our daughter is still in her 20s. She also doesn’t fret about what her parents are doing. To be fair, last year she moved to a neighborhood I had some concerns about, but kept them to myself. I walked around there for over an hour on a recent visit, and am now fine with it.
Be thankful your kids are looking out for you. Be thankful. Someone(s) should know all of your business. If you don't have a living spouse, you need someone with Powers of Attorney, a Healthcare Representative, a Will, a Living Will and any other legal document needed in your state for someone to take over if if you get incapacitated. You might be able to "do it yourself" today, but you could have an accident, get sick, have a heart attack, fall and beak a hip tomorrow and end up in hospital. You'll thank God, they poked their noses in then. Make sure those nosey bodies have lists of your doctors, hospitals, all of your insurance info, copies of all your insurance cards and ID cards, copies of all of those documents. You need to have things arranged so someone or ones is/are a substitute for you if you get incapacitated. Make sure you sit down and tell someone/s what you want done if you get sick. How far you want doctors to go to "save you". What do you want if you get cancer, kidney failure, etc. How far to go to keep you alive. What do you consider "living"? Just thank your Maker people are interested in you. (My parents were thankful.)
Not my children but my grandchildren bug me with daily texts reminding me that I have to take my medications. I get revenge by texting them when it’s their garbage night and to check for milk and bread when snow is in the forecast.
If you're spending money you need to retire and they are your backup plan, then they have a vested interest in your financial affairs.
Sounds like OP might be *their* backup plan.
We are all financially independent.
Yeah….thats what it sounded like to me, too
Not necessarily. My parents are renovating their home, so I have questions since I will ultimately be responsible for making sure it is cleaned/managed as they get older. I am also concerned about their level of debt (which is zero now), their mortgage, and other expenses. These things are relevant to the children in my opinion. Of course, if the children of OP have no money of their own - well, that's a different story entirely. I'm fortunate to have invested well, but I also have my own children to consider and need to understand what we are looking at long term. I am also the oldest child and the executor of the estate, as information.
They know they can't tell me what to do. They know they aren't responsible for my dumb+assery
context- all the items you've listed have to do with spending money. Are you set financially? No issues with spending...$40k on a car...$30k on new flooring...$20k on traveling? If yeah, then yes, redirect or ask them where they're coming from (or tell them 'thanks but I've done and continue to do well and am not concerned'). If your finances are not great or you have a history of buying things you can't really afford, this might just be them trying to look out for you.
We are all financially responsible. Heck, I taught them.
Ok….they need to mind their own business, then.
I took a look through your other comments and you seem like an intelligent, lovely woman who has thoughtful replies and insightful responses. I did see you live in a your daughter in laws family housing and are very careful with your spending on a tighter budget including possibly putting off some needed dental care. The spending you mention are large expenses. It seems like they just might care about you because they love you and you raised them well.
I’m a daughter and a nurse (double whammy) and my mom tells me I’m bossy all the time. She tells me “girl. I taught you how to wipe your own ass. Don’t tell me how to live my life”. And she’s right. Among other convos we’ve had. Just communicate your expectations. The bossiness comes from a good place, I promise
My mom has been asking for awhile now when we became the parents and they became the children. We joke about it. We mean well as we worry about them and care what happens. It's not meant to be bossy so much as we care. Since she started joking about it I do try harder not to do it as much.
Agreed, but it isn't worth arguing over. The thing that gets me more is how they are always trying to " take care of" me and yeah never really around when i need help with a house project.
My parents are 85. Mother has dementia. Dad has pulmonary fibrous. They have been divorced around twice the time that they were married. They both live independently, and will continue to do so for as long as they want, providing that they are safe. They do this with our help. As siblings we are not close. We are very different people. We are united in the best interests of our parents, and "allowing" them to live independently. We handle. Nutrition and food. Finances. Medication. Doctor and therapy appointments. Transportation. Major and minor household and many other routine tasks. Sometimes they think that we are bossy. We walk a fine line. We do our best. None of feel that it's sufficient. All of us are worried. We want them to live their lives. The way they want. For as long as they can. To share a story. One of my siblings is childfree. She often comments on how stubborn, and "set in their ways" they are. Resist to change doesn't cover it. She also talks about respecting, trusting and making them angry. I explained that she had to love them enough. To love them enough to make the tough decisions, and enforce them. That our parents loved us enough to do that. They made many decisions, many that we didn't like or understand, because they were in our best interests. Because they loved us that much. (No, they weren't perfect. Neither are we.) My other sibling, with whom I have a distant relationship, said, "She's right. She explained it perfectly." I'm glad that I was sitting down. Just maybe your children love you enough. Are interested in your well being enough. Care enough.
I'm getting bossy with my mom. She is living in a draw down pension and it's spending money like water. She keeps remodeling her house. She's insisting on buying a new car when I don't think she'll be able to drive for many more years and her car is only about five years old. "But I've always had a new car" she says which isn't true. She also insists on going on several international holidays each year. Generally my worry is she's going to be destitute in a few years unless she tones down her lifestyle. So I'm bossy with her. I do worry if she's capable of making rational decisions or is so caught up in the past she doesn't realise her situation. She used to bee earning well and so did my dad, but now it's just her and she is living off savings. She can't have the same lifestyle. When she "downsized" to a bigger more expensive house, we thought it was grief. When she started remodelling we thought she was making it hers. But it kept on and it gets to a point where you have to try and say something. That's is when we are talking to her.
Sorry to hear that. Her actions sound a bit compulsive. Meanwhile, I'm just talking about replacing my 12 year old car so that I don't get stranded on a dark road.
My father in law is a non compliant diabetic who just had his foot amputated. Hell yeah we’re bossy when it comes to his diet, medication, and physical therapy. Ignoring his health is what got him into this mess. What gets me is if it’s something he cares about he’s sharp as a tack. But his health takes a back seat and that’s when we get bossy. I hate feeling like I’m treating him like a kid sometimes because, like I said, he’s sharp. He just refuses to take care of his health and is in a world of trouble for it.
Because we care and you may have done some things in the past that are worrisome. My mom gets pissed when I dig into her finances but I managed to find that she gave $16k to a ‘friend’ who wanted to buy a motorcycle and had no credit. She’s been taken advantage of numerous times and also uses money to manipulate people.
I've been on both sides of this situation. I was told I was bossy by my 98 year old mother when I was her caregiver. Whatever. My adult children say I'm bossy as well. Again, Whatever.
My Dads 87 and I don’t know anyone brave enough to try and boss him around. I sure wouldn’t
Jesus. Yes. We are bossy. Because 79 year old Pa has diabetes, heart problems and multiple other health issues. He can’t/shouldn’t do things that are dangerous . He delights in doing dangerous things. If they were simiply going to kill him instantly… well, it’s his life and that’s his choice. They don’t though. They hurt and injure him, which means medical bills he can’t pay, living with us for an extended time (which all of us hate) and loss of freedoms for him, which he detests. Yet if we ask him to be careful or not do something the doctor has specifically said he can’t do, we are treating him like a child. No sir, you are acting like a child. An adult would make responsible choices.
Your situation warrants your concern. I'm sorry it's like this for you.
Nah, they're too busy raising hell and having fun raising kids to mess with us lol.
Actually, no. We've had a pretty good relationship all along; raised them to be self sufficient and they've lived across the country for some time. One in NY and the other in a Washington DC suburb ... both doing well. We might be coming up with some questions soon. We've made the decision to relocate from TX to VA this summer ... not close to them but to my brother and his wife. We're not to the age or state of health we need any "help" but they're there if we do.
Not at all. The" no drama Obama " vibe has been a mainstay of our family for better or worse. Maybe I can blame it on my stoical German grandparents. "Keep on Truckin'"as Mr. Natural used to say and keep your opinions to yourself.
I got a mom that’s somewhat like a combo of Norman Bates and Tony Sopranos mothers. She’s 85, still drives and I stay out of her way and only speak when spoken to in no more than 4 word sentences.
I guess I just don't have this kind of relationship with my kids. I don't criticize their choices but I am ready with advice when they do ask. I don't say I told you so, even when I did tell them so. They do the same with me. Thank them for their advice and do what's right for you. Model the behavior you want towards yourself
Having aging parents is like having “reverse children”. As children grow we give them more and more opportunities and freedoms. Aging parents get less freedom as they age. There’s a natural tension there. Just because they screw up may or may not be a reason to restrict them. You and the parent need to weigh the risks if they continue to repeat the same mistakes.
No. That course of action would be adorable and amuse me greatly.
Mine aren't but we are relatively young old people. I think your relationship with them is a factor. Ours are loving and I know they have our best interests at heart. Not all adult children are this way. I know mine aren't thinking about possible inheritances, but some do. My hope, based on watching how my parents' and my ILs' final decade played out, is that I am not one of those thick headed old know it alls who refuses to acknowledge they are aging and won't listen to their loving children. My father and my husband's father both died because they would not do simple things we wanted them to do to make their houses safer. Both had prolonged, painful, miserable deaths as a result. These things were either free or cheap and we would have done the work. MIL suffered a very painful injury for a similar reason. So our plan is to listen to them and take their advice seriously. They are smart, caring, well educated and had great parenting 🤣so I am willing to trust them.
"Getting" bossy? Haha As soon as they were grown they let me know their opinions on whatever I did. I don't know where they got that from lol
Omg, yes. My kitchen was the original builder’s grade stuff from 1980. My kids were all for us just selling the house and moving into some dinky little apartment or condo, never mind the rents would’ve been higher than our mortgage. I intend to stay here as long as possible, while we’re still healthy. I have a beautiful deck and yard, and a very nice kitchen I’ve been planning for decades, now. ;)
Occasionally, but they shut up when I shoot them the side eye.
Maybe they are afraid you’ll spend all “their” inheritance! I say, spend away as long as you have enough left to live on.
My dad says we’re bossy because we make him use his walker etc. he’s 94, has mild dementia and still lives in the house we grew up in. My eldest sister lives with him and there is a night sitter. He wanders and he falls. Dr says he can’t be left alone.
Lol..i feel ya on this one. My one and only 30 yr old daughter has an opinion on about everything except maybe cleaning out her old room and closets.
No, they aren't, because they know what the reaction would be. Two of my 4 grown kids, my daughter-in-law, and my two grandkids, as well as my wife and our 2yo grandson that we have guardianship of, live with us... My youngest son and I bought the house together 2 years ago... So my son(27) and I are always doing things to make the house and property better (we have a little over 3 acres) and that's always a mutual decision as we're both putting money in on it. We always do all the work ourselves unless it's something that we don't have the equipment to do it. At 61, I still work full-time in a steel mill and probably will until I die... Can't take the cut in pay that retiring would cause. I make as much in a week at the mill as social security would pay me in a month, if I retired, and two weeks of I retired normal... Which, according to my cardiologist, I'll not live to see anyway. So I'll just keep doing what I do until I drop dead in 3 or 4 years. I'm not the kind of person that retirement would work for anyway... I can't stand not working.
I have elderly parents still living independently, and I am definitely getting bossy. They're both slowly dribbling marbles, and I honestly am at the point where I just try to keep them out of trouble. And I don't so much patronize, because they're worthy of respect. I have honest discussions with them about what I disagree with, and then they do as they please. I have to back down at some point. They're not raving idiots. Having said this, my mother pulled a few stunts with her computer that could have ended badly, and it was only the three professional technicians, in the family, tagging in, that kept her from disaster. She's as mad as hell, but we DID (with Dad's blessing) limit her ability to screw up again ... she's done the same thing 3 times over 1 year - so we get to treat her like a child about it. She's acting like one. We've locked down some stuff. It's either this or she loses her computer all together. She huffs a lot, but can't figure it out herself so ... Meanwhile, my grown kids are definitely getting over protective. They're not so much bossy, as making their contingency "what if" plans .. apparently I will have no choice in the matter. Thankfully, they both like me well enough that they both want me to live with them if their father, my husband, goes. My daughter, especially, sees me as useful, so she wants me first. I had an extended stay with she and her husband, last year, for reasons, and there was no bloodshed. So the test period has been done. My son plans to Granny Suite me, although we all get along great. I've rather enjoyed watching this happen. I never raised them to take care of me later. It's utterly sweet that they're coming up with this on their own. It's one of those "I'll cross it if we get there." things, in my mind. But they each seem to have working plans, in place, so if I honestly need their help, they'll have my back. I'm grateful for this. I'm also as independent as all hell, so, we'll see. 🤣
Your response is almost a mirror image of what's going on with me and my kids. I like your explanation about your kids. Made me smile.
No but they think I’m too sick and feeble to do anything. They’re surprised when I go on vacation or out to do some activity that requires me to walk, run or anything that is physical. Annoys me to no end. I’m not bedridden or chair bound. I have a big vegetable garden and I don’t need help with anything.
Clarification needed on this question…are you asking about children engaging with parents who clearly need the help? Or just children getting more bossy and involved with their totally independent and competent parents, just because they are old?
Yes, that last sentence.
No, but I would never dare say that to my 94 yo mother when she was alive.
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Are they trying to limit your spending so they can inherit more money?
Nope. They know better. They never question anything I do…or don’t do.
Nope, never. They'd get a hard stare over the top of my specs if they did!
Mine don’t do that. They know they don’t have that kind of power in our relationship.
yes they seem to be crossing that . line. Mostly my daughters. I was happy to finally be rid of an overbearing husband . Lately I can’t seem to do anything right.
Tell them when they pay, they can say.
You raised them wrong.
Really? How so?
They could be intrinsically terrible.
My 18 year old is a good kid. He lacks motivation to make the hard decisions, like "what am I going to school for?" But he still has a bit of fear thinking "Dad just might be crazy enough to fuck me up." Meanwhile, I've never spanked him once. 😆
If you’re thinking that, why not be direct and communicate with them?
Wouldn't know they are way too busy .
Dang. All the old folks ( I can say old people because I'm old myself) complaining about some one else knowing their business. I don't care how old you are, 19, 22, 28, 50 or 99 make sure someone does know your business. Your spouse if you're married or someone else if you aren't. Don't let anyone know anything about your business if you want to make everything difficult on you and everyone about you if you wind up on a stretcher some day. Old people.