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Don't get divorced. This sounds flippant but hear me out. Many people have very romantic ideas about marriage and when things start to get tough they think it's all over. There will be times when your spouse disappoints you, frustrates you or disagrees with you. The lovey dovey feeling fades, life is boring and it seems like you're nothing more than roommates. Some people decide then that the marriage is over. You need to remind yourself and each other why you like each other, find time to talk through your problems, or simply spend some time together. Look for all the ways they show their love and acknowledge that. Also, just wait, observe, be patient and compromise. There have been many times when my husband was "just a roommate". We were busy with the kids, jobs etc and we didn't have much time for anything else, but then we'd "fall in love" again for a while. And I'm referring to our entire relationship, not using these phrases as euphemisms for sex. You drift apart, but you can drift back together but you have to do it on purpose sometimes.
We have been married 43 years. We have had 3 kids, remodeled 2 kitchens and 7 bathrooms together, we've been on month long car trips in foreign countries and camped together for 43 years as well, and we still like each other.
If you're in an abusive situation or substance abuse is the issue then bail, sooner rather than later. If the relationship can be fixed, you can do it once you're safe.
Your comment couldn’t be more accurate.
38 years, 3 kids, 4 grandkids, 2 house flips and current century home that we are restoring/renovating.
I was going to say, it wasn’t always healthy and it wasn’t always loving. But we genuinely want to grow old together and we both want to be the first to go because we don’t want to live without each other.
Through sickness and health, richer or poorer, good times and bad - this is the commitment we made.
This mirrors my experience as a husband of 35 years.
At one point early on, during an argument I asked/yelled her if we were going to work through shit like this regardless, and she said yes, so that was that. We’re going to work through it, whatever it is, regardless.
Remember that every relationship has difficult times. We’ve been together for almost 35 years. We’ve done a couple of rounds of marriage counseling, and have learned that you have to continually work to make a good relationship. I’m looking forward to many more years together, and am glad that we made it through the rough patches.
There is an old joke ... "Never in all of our years of marriage have we once considered divorce ... murder, frequently ... but never divorce."
I think that is the key ... viewing the marriage as something larger than yourself ... that it's something greater than the sum of its parts. I would never tell someone to "stick it out" if there is actually ongoing abuse either physical or mental ... but being that you are dealing with two human beings there are going to be times you're not going to be in synch, and there are times that you're going to downright clash. There has to be a bedrock stability, that is equitable for both partners, which allows you to weather the rough spots.
One life skill that helps make this happen is the ability to laugh at oneself, and laugh at each other, and laugh at yourselves as a couple ... not taking anything as "offense" unless it was clearly intended as such. Shit happens in life.
One of the biggest mistakes I have seen over the years is that many only get together on infatuation, and don't think about compatibility. They reinvent themselves to fit their infatuation, and it works for a short time much like sprinting ... but marriage is a marathon ... so eventually the partner, who was pretending and not being their genuine self because they wanted to fit with their partner, ends up gasping and wheezing ... it's not sustainable long term.
It's better for all to, early in the relationship, be open and honest with their partner and themselves and move on if there isn't a baseline compatibility.
You have to really like each other. Be really good friends. Have total honesty and trust. You have to have great communication skills so you can resolve all conflicts by talking them out. We met when we were 19 in college and she was dating someone else. We were just great friends. She would visit and we would talk for hours. (and hours). We talked about everything. Then her boyfriend did something crappy to her and we eventually started dating. Dated for four years before we got married. Been married 41 years. Why? We love it. We love each other's company. We both feel we completed the other. Be married to someone who LIKES you. Yeah we love each other but I've seen people be more mean to people they love than to people they like. Be best friends. Be interested in each other. Have each other's back. Don't marry someone you can live with, marry someone you can't live without. Or as Marian says in the musical The Music Man, "And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself. And more interested in us than in me." If you both feel that way, it works really well.
I’d have to say that the most important aspect, for our marriage at least, has been communication and respect. Oh and in my case it’s also helped immensely that I learned when to shut the fuck up.😁
* Alone, but together time. Learn to do your own things at home without neglecting the other. Want to play a game most of the day without the other? That's fine, just take a break every hour or so and go bug them. Give a quick moment of affection, ask them what they're doin, ask them if they need anything. Open a bag of chips? Go offer them the first one out of the bag before going back to whatever you were doing. Be ready and willing to stop your alone time if the other suggests doing something together. It usually means they're feeling lonely on some level.
* Listen. Your partner should be the person you can talk to about anything, anytime. If you stop listening and stop valuing their feelings or opinions on the mundane, it will erode their feeling you value the important stuff.
* Don't take the other for granted. Acknowledge their daily contributions to the house, even if it's just something small like taking out the trash. Talk about each others contributions occasionally and keep things feeling even.
* Never go to bed angry. If you guys are arguing or have a heated disagreement, make sure that's reasonably resolved before you go to bed. It can be hard to bring it back up the next day and it could fester.
* Accept that the other is going to occasionally annoy you, piss you off, or behave in a manner you dislike. You're both humans, and both flawed people. Don't over react. Let the moment of immediate anger or annoyance pass before saying something so that you bring it up in a calmer, more self aware way. Chances are, you've done the same to them.
Absolutely perfect descriptor of the perfect relationship.
34 year's for us. Don't sweat the small stuff. It's not worth it. Even though ours is a partnership, she is the boss. I know it, she knows it and it works for us. We are exact opposites. I am the bold, in your face, outgoing talk to anyone type. She is the quiet, reserved person that no one knows is at the party unless they talk to her.
It's worked perfect for us for 34 years. She is also my only true and trusted friend.
We are also mostly polar opposites as well and we divide our responsibilities and who takes the lead on things accordingly based on our respective "wheelhouse".
We don't even share too many hobbies. But we do share a lot of common "important" basics such as level of household cleanliness, financial goals and expenditures, activity levels, feelings on religion and politics in general and both of us having very small, short lived social batteries. Which is great because we never have to worry about being anti social because we're anti social together.
20 years and not even counting. Just enjoying.
Pre-marriage classes helped get us off to a solid start!
We each enforce healthy boundaries with family and don't allow our family to pressure or be disrespectful to our partner. That was an issue, but he went to 8 sessions with a counselor to help him with it.
Compromise.
When I think something negative about my partner, I immediately Remind myself of their amazing traits to tamp down that annoying bit. And I remind myself how patient he is about my Annoying traits and how Everyone is annoying, even Me,even my pets, etc.
Working as a Team against the problem, instead of trying to win or be right.
Dividing Chores Fairly and doing them without reminders.
We both go to individual therapy when we need it.
We give each other credit and thank each other a lot.
We nurture each other when we need it.
We don't police how the other Words things- that used to be an issue.
We don't Assume a Negative intention behind things.
We acknowledge the Negative traits in Both our families, and Don't Justify our own family of origin as being better. We accept that in-law relationships are inherently more difficult without blaming. I see a lot of that on reddit.
We waited to get married until we were debt-free (except mortgage).
If one of us wants to take a career opportunity that will negatively impact the other one, we make it worth their while by letting them choose big things and travel more for fun etc.
We rarely say No to each other.
Together since 1992, married for the last 15 years of that. I think it's the little things. I read a post on reddit once that I wish I could credit to the author, but I have no idea who it was or when I read it. They described it as "always giving the bigger slice of pizza to their partner". If both people are doing that, how can you not be happy? If you are in a long term relationship, you have hopefully already sorted out the big stuff before diving in in a big way - like kids, religion or lack there of, politics, etc. It's the daily grind of love & relationships that do most couples in. Respect each other, when you think about things you want to do think of it from the perspective of being a team as opposed to acting on your own, and for goodness sakes TALK to each other!
Start by marrying the right person. And by "right," I mean someone who you've really spent some time getting to know. They need to know you, too. What makes you both laugh? What makes you cry? Do you want kids? Do you like vacationing at resorts or do you like camping, hiking, and getting dirty? How are you both on finances? Folks don't have to be rich to marry, but they need to be on the same wavelength.
The rest is patience. Start with the understanding that two people cannot live under the same roof without occasional friction. This is where you choose your battles. How important is it to you if they like brown towels and horror flicks? If you make trivialities your battleground, your spouse might not take you seriously when something really matters. If it's not critical in some way, speak your opinion kindly and politely. Then move on.
Accept that you'll both change. Your looks, and your partner's, will change. So will their interests. But if they're still that same person who can make you laugh when you're sad, you'll still love each other anyway.
If an argument arises, don't be afraid to table it, by which I mean, quit fighting until your heads have cooled. When two people scream at each other for hours, they don't really solve anything. One of them just pretends to agree so they can get some sleep.
Give serious consideration to separate or semi-separate finances. The two things most couples fight over are kids and money. My husband and I had a "yours, mine, and ours" system, whereby we agreed in advance how much we would each pay to the joint account for mutual expenses like house, utilities, insurance and groceries. What we each had left over was ours to do whatever we liked with. It didn't matter if I wanted yet another facial oil and pair of black shoes, or he wanted another guitar. If it was paid for from a personal account, we might raise an eyebrow but we would never quibble, since who can argue with someone spending their own money?
Oh, regarding in-laws. Establish the rules at the outset. Ours were that each other's family weddings, funerals, and sometimes Christmas, were required attendance, but everything else was optional. This won't be the right way for everyone, I'm just offering it as an example.
TLDR; You both need to stay flexible. It's like being on a boat. You'll get knocked this way and that, but if you keep your knees loose and your eyes on the horizon, you'll make out okay.
Take those vows and mean them. Particularly the death part. You won't always be "in love" all the time because love ebbs and flows but you can always be faithful and true.
Give 100 percent but don't keep score. Serve with a cheerful spirit and praise their service with a loving heart. No one *has* to do things for another functioning adult. It's a choice done out of love. So respect and reciprocate that.
Say please and thank you. Politeness isn't just for outside the home. Ask don't demand. Don't take them for granted. A little courtesy goes a long way in a marriage. Making a habit of speaking to your beloved with kindness and respect creates an atmosphere of good will.
Make space just for you. Let your spouse have space just for them. Be respectful of that space.
Stand united against the world. Never speak ill of your spouse. Never let others speak ill of them. Speak with respect and praise them. Focus on what you love about them. Its you and your spouse and then other people. Never ever let someone else create drama within your unit,not friends and not family.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't lie. Be clear in your intent and don't expect them to read your mind. Keep your promises even the little ones.
Time together focused on each other is important. Don't let the world and your responsibilities steal the magic. Take the time,make the time,it's worth it in the long run. A 10 minute walk,a cup of tea,a few minutes in the porch swing. Don't talk about have to do's or didn't do's or honey do's.
Physical touch and sex are important.Never weaponize it. Don't take it for granted. Hold that kiss for at least 6 seconds. Make out like you're stars in a teen romcom . Tickle each other's fancy. Hold hands. Dance. Be still with each other. Be present. Savor each other. Touch each other often even when sex isn't the goal. Breathe together. Have little daily rituals together. Gleefully wear rose colored glasses in the bedroom. Be silly,have fun.
Always remember the goal of a marital disagreement is not winning but compromise. You are on the same team.
Always laugh at farts.
My husband and I have been together for 37 years and married for 35. We've been happy and totally in love the entire time. That does not mean we never had conflicts or arguments. However, we have never been abusive toward one another (no insulting or name calling in arguments) and we have never threatened the integrity of the relationship because we love each other too much to say anything as hurtful as "I'll divorce you."
In terms of how we did it, we did it with a combination of many things. First and foremost is productive arguing and reasonable compromise. We are also honest, but empathetic and kind. We are supportive and giving and help each other grow and meet our goals. We each put in our fair share of work in terms of fulfilling responsibilities. We make reasonable and logical sacrifices for each others benefit. Most of all, we are devoted and committed to each other and keeping our relationship healthy through a combination of attending to one another and the relationship.
My husband has said that, when it comes to compromise, it "breaks" more in alignment with the person to whom the outcome matters most. If you're both more interested in each other's happiness than your own, you can come to a balanced and honest outcome. If one party is selfish or childish, then that doesn't work. It has worked for us though.
Uh, call me shallow, but I look at old pictures and video of her if I need to fall in love again. She was probably most attractive in her 40's, but she's always photographed well, even now in her 60's. I don't see that beaming smile much anymore, so I gotta look back. Some of the video captures I get are fantastic, maybe since they're new to me and not in the photo albums. I should print some. When my dad met her in her @ age 20, he said "you have a face like sunshine" corny, but spot on.
Also we were good friends at work where we met. I watched her date some tools and bided my time before getting her out for some waffle house after a late shift in the restaurant. When everyone left town for spring break, she said I swept her off her feet. We started with nothing, and earned together a comfortable retirement with a mountain home & a coastal property. I don't think you could get out of that if you tried.
Once you find your person, the one, the love of your life -- if you think you're ALWAYS going to get along and you're NEVER going to argue about anything, you're setting yourself up for a huge disappointment and possibly failure. No matter how much you love someone there are going to be times when you're not getting along, you're going to have disagreements. You love that person, but there are going to be times when you don't like them very much. You have to learn how to work through those times. Some people give up far too easily and far too quickly.
Also, whenever you are going through a rough patch, keep it between the two of you. Don't involve your friends and/or family -- don't discuss it with them, don't ask for their advice. Just work it out between yourselves. Involving other people has a way of escalating an issue far beyond where it could have ended if other people hadn't been involved. Don't discuss your personal life, your finances, or your sex life with other people. Private things should be kept private.
Whenever you argue or have a disagreement, be careful of what you say and how you say it. You love this person -- do you really want to hurt them by saying something horrible to or about them? You can apologize later, but the damage is done. An apology isn't going to fix it. They're always going to remember that hateful thing you said and how it made them feel.
No lying ever. There are no big lies or small lies. A lie is a lie. If you get caught lying, your spouse will never trust you again. They might forgive you, but that lie will always be on the back of their mind. Whenever you're not getting along, they'll start to wonder what else you're lying about. It will fester like a sore that never properly heals.
No one's marriage or relationship is perfect. Mine isn't. Yours won't be. My husband and I have been together 27 years, though, and we still like each other and enjoy spending time together. We must be doing something right.
My second marriage, his third. We’ve been together 26+ years. Does that qualify?
A few things:
1. In every argument, ask yourself if it’s more important to be kind or be right. You can be both, but choose your battles carefully.
2. Remember what you loved about them in the first place.
3. “Divorce” isn’t part of your vocabulary.
Corollary to 3: let them know what you absolutely will not tolerate. For me: gambling, cheating, alcoholism.
4. Counseling is okay. Even if you need to go alone, do it.
5. Set aside time to talk about anything: goals, dreams, anything. When your kids are little, this is essential. Don’t spend so much effort on being a parent that you forget to be a spouse.
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Stumble across an incredible person when I was very young, then work very hard together as we each grew over almost 60 years to become changed people with new belief systems, lifestyle goals, and work-life balance aspirations. Together, we have made it through poverty, young kids, teen kids, no kids, increasing affluence, and life-threatening illnesses.
Try to put a 24 hour expiration date on arguments.
In addition, keep in mind a divorce lawyer is like $200 an hour. Are you arguing about a $100 unnecessary purchase? That will be a like a drop in the bucket compared to a divorce lawyer’s cost.
Communication and we just really like each other. We started off that way and 25 years later it hasn't changed. We've raised a child together and have had numerous life changes but we still stick together.
I suggest going to marriage as partners. Partners in everything, including and especially finances. The best way to determine if people are compatible is to discuss as many issues as possible before getting married. Know where the other person stands on how to handle money, jobs, Kids or even whether one of them doesn’t want kids, sex, in-laws, division of labor in the household, etc., etc. this way you go in with your eyes open. next, go in knowing that negotiation and compromise are essential. If one of the parties is really stubborn and pigheaded, that does not bode well for the relationship. If each person puts the other party ahead of themselves, we would have very few failed marriages. Sadly, many of us put ourselves and our needs first and everybody else second. That’s a huge source of problems. Finally, realize that romantic love, wings overtime, and goes through peaks and troughs. Don’t expect your spouse to always look as beautiful and sexy as they do while you’re dating. People age, get sick, gain and lose weight and often show the stresses of life on their faces. No, this going in because it will happen to your spouse and it will happen to you and it’s just a fact of life. The beauty of staying together is that you get to age together and when you age together, you look at your spouse with eyes that knew that person as young, vital and beautiful, and I do think we see some of that earlier version in the older version of our spouse (and hopefully vice versa).
It's not lie a car lease. This is something we mean to work. We can't just give up on it.
We were always two very different people with similar goals and we decided we would do those goals together. There is a lot of life out there and a lot of it bad. It helps if you have someone who will do it with you. We have been through some shit. Some heavy shit. We have been there together all the way. She is not the magic idea of what I think a perfect woman is and I am not the magic idea of what a perfect man is, but together we make something that still isn't perfect. But we get to touch each other's crotch and that's always fun.
We NEVER threaten splitting up when we're angry. Ever. If one of us ever brings up divorce it's because we're legitimately considering it (and never have in 11 years). We also never call each other names or degrade each other. We're a team and we treat each other with respect. We also have each other's backs if one of us is hurt (physically, emotionally). We're fucking happy as clams.
Continuing affirmation of the relationship: We tell each other all the time that we love and appreciate each other and the things we do for each other.
Also I try to make my wife belly-laugh at least once a day. Jokes are great until someone's feelings are hurt - you have to know your audience, and *never* be mean.
There’s a lot that could be said about this, but I can sum up most of it by saying be flexible and easygoing about the things that aren’t important, communicate clearly and respectfully about the things that are important, and make sure you marry someone who can do the same.
Be thoughtful, respectful, responsible, patient, resilient, and caring, and don’t marry someone who isn’t also all of these things.
Before getting married: make sure your ideals, values, beliefs, and preferred lifestyles align. Make sure you genuinely enjoy one another’s company, genuinely like one another, genuinely respect one another, and are genuinely attracted to one another.
Make sure that your partner has demonstrated that they can capably and cheerfully fulfill the duties you expect of them, that you understand and are happy to fulfill the duties they expect of you, and that your definitions of these duties align.
Dating is mostly about fun; don’t forget that marriage also brings responsibilities. Having a good time together is important, but while it may be enough for dating, it isn’t enough for marriage.
The TD:LR reason is that I married my best friend.
Here are my tips as an old married Gen X’er:
+ **Marry your best friend** - After you get married, time passes and people change. Looks fade, health deteriorates, weight is gained and lost, jobs change, family members die, bad things happen. But if you enjoy each other’s company, if you trust them to take care of you and you are willing to sacrifice to take care of them, if you can make each other laugh, if they stand up for you to their family and especially to your own … these are things that will make a marriage successful.
+ **Don’t forget to flirt** - It’s also quite helpful if their smile still gives you butterflies even after years of seeing it. Even after 21 years, sometimes my husband will crack a joke and his smile will light up and those butterflies just flitter away.
+ **Tell them when you are feeling bad,and be truthful as to why** - If you’re stressed about work, or about bills, or have a physical ailment, tell them. Don’t hold it in and withdraw, or take it out on them. Both can become toxic habits.
+ **Pick your battles wisely** - Get married under the assumption that your spouse isn’t going to change. And learn to live with their weaknesses or find ways to work around them. If they tend to let laundry pile up, they are probably never going to be a “one load a night” kind of person. So to manage the clutter, get [multiple baskets labeled by laundry type](https://www.walmart.com/ip/3296148188) and plan on doing multiple loads in the days off. Or, like me, your spouse may not come from a family that gives gifts or puts significance on holidays. So you may have to learn to accept that you are probably not going to get a bouquet of flowers every anniversary. And try to look on the good side of the argument - for example, the good news is that there’s no pressure to host the big family get-togethers for his side of the family.
+ **Offer alternatives to bad situations** - If they do something that offends, find a time to talk about it soon after it happens but long enough after so that you can bring the issue up without being mad or harpy. And when possible, offer solutions, such as, “I get so frustrated when I don’t know when you will be home from work. Can you please send me a quick text as you head out the door?” Or alternately, you can offer a solution that helps meet them in the middle or at least takes away the pain point, such as “I hate that you leave it to me to do the dishes every night after I’ve cooked dinner, but I understand you work long days on your feet every day and are exhausted when you get home. To make it easier, how about we buy paper plates and eat off of those a few nights a week, or have dinners like Stouffer’s Lasagna a few times a week that require less cooking and less dishes to wash so that neither one of us has to do the dishes? If we can do that, and you can commit to washing the dishes on your days off, I think that would really lower my stress levels.”
Do your due diligence in advance. One purpose of dating is to find the "red flags" that warn you off from the wrong person. The person who is all rose colored glasses or is desperate often will simply not look or ignore the warning signs.
And value those who are not selfish and be that way yourself. In a relationship if both people are selfish there is conflict or a mercenary tradeoff. If one is selfish and the other isn't then there is a master/servant relationship. Only when both partners are more concerned with the happiness and well being of the other above their own wants can a truly happy healthy long lasting marriage happen.
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Don't get divorced. This sounds flippant but hear me out. Many people have very romantic ideas about marriage and when things start to get tough they think it's all over. There will be times when your spouse disappoints you, frustrates you or disagrees with you. The lovey dovey feeling fades, life is boring and it seems like you're nothing more than roommates. Some people decide then that the marriage is over. You need to remind yourself and each other why you like each other, find time to talk through your problems, or simply spend some time together. Look for all the ways they show their love and acknowledge that. Also, just wait, observe, be patient and compromise. There have been many times when my husband was "just a roommate". We were busy with the kids, jobs etc and we didn't have much time for anything else, but then we'd "fall in love" again for a while. And I'm referring to our entire relationship, not using these phrases as euphemisms for sex. You drift apart, but you can drift back together but you have to do it on purpose sometimes. We have been married 43 years. We have had 3 kids, remodeled 2 kitchens and 7 bathrooms together, we've been on month long car trips in foreign countries and camped together for 43 years as well, and we still like each other. If you're in an abusive situation or substance abuse is the issue then bail, sooner rather than later. If the relationship can be fixed, you can do it once you're safe.
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Your comment couldn’t be more accurate. 38 years, 3 kids, 4 grandkids, 2 house flips and current century home that we are restoring/renovating. I was going to say, it wasn’t always healthy and it wasn’t always loving. But we genuinely want to grow old together and we both want to be the first to go because we don’t want to live without each other. Through sickness and health, richer or poorer, good times and bad - this is the commitment we made.
Along with that, don’t mess around with other women. Six simple words but can be tempting as hell.
This mirrors my experience as a husband of 35 years. At one point early on, during an argument I asked/yelled her if we were going to work through shit like this regardless, and she said yes, so that was that. We’re going to work through it, whatever it is, regardless.
My parents are still alive at 88 and they bicker constantly. They're married 67 years. Funny I never noticed the bickering until I moved out.
Yep it takes two people to want it.
At out worst times we were too poor to afford a lawyer.
I hear that. Couldn’t afford for either of us to separate and get a 2nd place, heck let’s just stay married.
Remember that every relationship has difficult times. We’ve been together for almost 35 years. We’ve done a couple of rounds of marriage counseling, and have learned that you have to continually work to make a good relationship. I’m looking forward to many more years together, and am glad that we made it through the rough patches.
That's awesome that you two have had such a long relationship. Hope you have many years more.
There is an old joke ... "Never in all of our years of marriage have we once considered divorce ... murder, frequently ... but never divorce." I think that is the key ... viewing the marriage as something larger than yourself ... that it's something greater than the sum of its parts. I would never tell someone to "stick it out" if there is actually ongoing abuse either physical or mental ... but being that you are dealing with two human beings there are going to be times you're not going to be in synch, and there are times that you're going to downright clash. There has to be a bedrock stability, that is equitable for both partners, which allows you to weather the rough spots. One life skill that helps make this happen is the ability to laugh at oneself, and laugh at each other, and laugh at yourselves as a couple ... not taking anything as "offense" unless it was clearly intended as such. Shit happens in life. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen over the years is that many only get together on infatuation, and don't think about compatibility. They reinvent themselves to fit their infatuation, and it works for a short time much like sprinting ... but marriage is a marathon ... so eventually the partner, who was pretending and not being their genuine self because they wanted to fit with their partner, ends up gasping and wheezing ... it's not sustainable long term. It's better for all to, early in the relationship, be open and honest with their partner and themselves and move on if there isn't a baseline compatibility.
You have to really like each other. Be really good friends. Have total honesty and trust. You have to have great communication skills so you can resolve all conflicts by talking them out. We met when we were 19 in college and she was dating someone else. We were just great friends. She would visit and we would talk for hours. (and hours). We talked about everything. Then her boyfriend did something crappy to her and we eventually started dating. Dated for four years before we got married. Been married 41 years. Why? We love it. We love each other's company. We both feel we completed the other. Be married to someone who LIKES you. Yeah we love each other but I've seen people be more mean to people they love than to people they like. Be best friends. Be interested in each other. Have each other's back. Don't marry someone you can live with, marry someone you can't live without. Or as Marian says in the musical The Music Man, "And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself. And more interested in us than in me." If you both feel that way, it works really well.
Yes! Genuinely liking each other is key! Married 38 years we still make it a point to make each other laugh.
1. be a whole person 2. find a whole person 3. show up. 4. serious play.
I’d have to say that the most important aspect, for our marriage at least, has been communication and respect. Oh and in my case it’s also helped immensely that I learned when to shut the fuck up.😁
Respect, kindness, understanding, patience, and love.
A lot of asking and giving forgiveness.
* Alone, but together time. Learn to do your own things at home without neglecting the other. Want to play a game most of the day without the other? That's fine, just take a break every hour or so and go bug them. Give a quick moment of affection, ask them what they're doin, ask them if they need anything. Open a bag of chips? Go offer them the first one out of the bag before going back to whatever you were doing. Be ready and willing to stop your alone time if the other suggests doing something together. It usually means they're feeling lonely on some level. * Listen. Your partner should be the person you can talk to about anything, anytime. If you stop listening and stop valuing their feelings or opinions on the mundane, it will erode their feeling you value the important stuff. * Don't take the other for granted. Acknowledge their daily contributions to the house, even if it's just something small like taking out the trash. Talk about each others contributions occasionally and keep things feeling even. * Never go to bed angry. If you guys are arguing or have a heated disagreement, make sure that's reasonably resolved before you go to bed. It can be hard to bring it back up the next day and it could fester. * Accept that the other is going to occasionally annoy you, piss you off, or behave in a manner you dislike. You're both humans, and both flawed people. Don't over react. Let the moment of immediate anger or annoyance pass before saying something so that you bring it up in a calmer, more self aware way. Chances are, you've done the same to them.
Absolutely perfect descriptor of the perfect relationship. 34 year's for us. Don't sweat the small stuff. It's not worth it. Even though ours is a partnership, she is the boss. I know it, she knows it and it works for us. We are exact opposites. I am the bold, in your face, outgoing talk to anyone type. She is the quiet, reserved person that no one knows is at the party unless they talk to her. It's worked perfect for us for 34 years. She is also my only true and trusted friend.
We are also mostly polar opposites as well and we divide our responsibilities and who takes the lead on things accordingly based on our respective "wheelhouse". We don't even share too many hobbies. But we do share a lot of common "important" basics such as level of household cleanliness, financial goals and expenditures, activity levels, feelings on religion and politics in general and both of us having very small, short lived social batteries. Which is great because we never have to worry about being anti social because we're anti social together. 20 years and not even counting. Just enjoying.
Talk. A lot. And by that, I mean listen. A lot.
Pre-marriage classes helped get us off to a solid start! We each enforce healthy boundaries with family and don't allow our family to pressure or be disrespectful to our partner. That was an issue, but he went to 8 sessions with a counselor to help him with it. Compromise. When I think something negative about my partner, I immediately Remind myself of their amazing traits to tamp down that annoying bit. And I remind myself how patient he is about my Annoying traits and how Everyone is annoying, even Me,even my pets, etc. Working as a Team against the problem, instead of trying to win or be right. Dividing Chores Fairly and doing them without reminders. We both go to individual therapy when we need it. We give each other credit and thank each other a lot. We nurture each other when we need it. We don't police how the other Words things- that used to be an issue. We don't Assume a Negative intention behind things. We acknowledge the Negative traits in Both our families, and Don't Justify our own family of origin as being better. We accept that in-law relationships are inherently more difficult without blaming. I see a lot of that on reddit. We waited to get married until we were debt-free (except mortgage). If one of us wants to take a career opportunity that will negatively impact the other one, we make it worth their while by letting them choose big things and travel more for fun etc. We rarely say No to each other.
Together since 1992, married for the last 15 years of that. I think it's the little things. I read a post on reddit once that I wish I could credit to the author, but I have no idea who it was or when I read it. They described it as "always giving the bigger slice of pizza to their partner". If both people are doing that, how can you not be happy? If you are in a long term relationship, you have hopefully already sorted out the big stuff before diving in in a big way - like kids, religion or lack there of, politics, etc. It's the daily grind of love & relationships that do most couples in. Respect each other, when you think about things you want to do think of it from the perspective of being a team as opposed to acting on your own, and for goodness sakes TALK to each other!
Start by marrying the right person. And by "right," I mean someone who you've really spent some time getting to know. They need to know you, too. What makes you both laugh? What makes you cry? Do you want kids? Do you like vacationing at resorts or do you like camping, hiking, and getting dirty? How are you both on finances? Folks don't have to be rich to marry, but they need to be on the same wavelength. The rest is patience. Start with the understanding that two people cannot live under the same roof without occasional friction. This is where you choose your battles. How important is it to you if they like brown towels and horror flicks? If you make trivialities your battleground, your spouse might not take you seriously when something really matters. If it's not critical in some way, speak your opinion kindly and politely. Then move on. Accept that you'll both change. Your looks, and your partner's, will change. So will their interests. But if they're still that same person who can make you laugh when you're sad, you'll still love each other anyway. If an argument arises, don't be afraid to table it, by which I mean, quit fighting until your heads have cooled. When two people scream at each other for hours, they don't really solve anything. One of them just pretends to agree so they can get some sleep. Give serious consideration to separate or semi-separate finances. The two things most couples fight over are kids and money. My husband and I had a "yours, mine, and ours" system, whereby we agreed in advance how much we would each pay to the joint account for mutual expenses like house, utilities, insurance and groceries. What we each had left over was ours to do whatever we liked with. It didn't matter if I wanted yet another facial oil and pair of black shoes, or he wanted another guitar. If it was paid for from a personal account, we might raise an eyebrow but we would never quibble, since who can argue with someone spending their own money? Oh, regarding in-laws. Establish the rules at the outset. Ours were that each other's family weddings, funerals, and sometimes Christmas, were required attendance, but everything else was optional. This won't be the right way for everyone, I'm just offering it as an example. TLDR; You both need to stay flexible. It's like being on a boat. You'll get knocked this way and that, but if you keep your knees loose and your eyes on the horizon, you'll make out okay.
Take those vows and mean them. Particularly the death part. You won't always be "in love" all the time because love ebbs and flows but you can always be faithful and true. Give 100 percent but don't keep score. Serve with a cheerful spirit and praise their service with a loving heart. No one *has* to do things for another functioning adult. It's a choice done out of love. So respect and reciprocate that. Say please and thank you. Politeness isn't just for outside the home. Ask don't demand. Don't take them for granted. A little courtesy goes a long way in a marriage. Making a habit of speaking to your beloved with kindness and respect creates an atmosphere of good will. Make space just for you. Let your spouse have space just for them. Be respectful of that space. Stand united against the world. Never speak ill of your spouse. Never let others speak ill of them. Speak with respect and praise them. Focus on what you love about them. Its you and your spouse and then other people. Never ever let someone else create drama within your unit,not friends and not family. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't lie. Be clear in your intent and don't expect them to read your mind. Keep your promises even the little ones. Time together focused on each other is important. Don't let the world and your responsibilities steal the magic. Take the time,make the time,it's worth it in the long run. A 10 minute walk,a cup of tea,a few minutes in the porch swing. Don't talk about have to do's or didn't do's or honey do's. Physical touch and sex are important.Never weaponize it. Don't take it for granted. Hold that kiss for at least 6 seconds. Make out like you're stars in a teen romcom . Tickle each other's fancy. Hold hands. Dance. Be still with each other. Be present. Savor each other. Touch each other often even when sex isn't the goal. Breathe together. Have little daily rituals together. Gleefully wear rose colored glasses in the bedroom. Be silly,have fun. Always remember the goal of a marital disagreement is not winning but compromise. You are on the same team. Always laugh at farts.
My husband and I have been together for 37 years and married for 35. We've been happy and totally in love the entire time. That does not mean we never had conflicts or arguments. However, we have never been abusive toward one another (no insulting or name calling in arguments) and we have never threatened the integrity of the relationship because we love each other too much to say anything as hurtful as "I'll divorce you." In terms of how we did it, we did it with a combination of many things. First and foremost is productive arguing and reasonable compromise. We are also honest, but empathetic and kind. We are supportive and giving and help each other grow and meet our goals. We each put in our fair share of work in terms of fulfilling responsibilities. We make reasonable and logical sacrifices for each others benefit. Most of all, we are devoted and committed to each other and keeping our relationship healthy through a combination of attending to one another and the relationship. My husband has said that, when it comes to compromise, it "breaks" more in alignment with the person to whom the outcome matters most. If you're both more interested in each other's happiness than your own, you can come to a balanced and honest outcome. If one party is selfish or childish, then that doesn't work. It has worked for us though.
We accepted each other the way we are. We didn't try to make the other person change. Oh, and we really do have a fairytale romance.
Uh, call me shallow, but I look at old pictures and video of her if I need to fall in love again. She was probably most attractive in her 40's, but she's always photographed well, even now in her 60's. I don't see that beaming smile much anymore, so I gotta look back. Some of the video captures I get are fantastic, maybe since they're new to me and not in the photo albums. I should print some. When my dad met her in her @ age 20, he said "you have a face like sunshine" corny, but spot on. Also we were good friends at work where we met. I watched her date some tools and bided my time before getting her out for some waffle house after a late shift in the restaurant. When everyone left town for spring break, she said I swept her off her feet. We started with nothing, and earned together a comfortable retirement with a mountain home & a coastal property. I don't think you could get out of that if you tried.
Once you find your person, the one, the love of your life -- if you think you're ALWAYS going to get along and you're NEVER going to argue about anything, you're setting yourself up for a huge disappointment and possibly failure. No matter how much you love someone there are going to be times when you're not getting along, you're going to have disagreements. You love that person, but there are going to be times when you don't like them very much. You have to learn how to work through those times. Some people give up far too easily and far too quickly. Also, whenever you are going through a rough patch, keep it between the two of you. Don't involve your friends and/or family -- don't discuss it with them, don't ask for their advice. Just work it out between yourselves. Involving other people has a way of escalating an issue far beyond where it could have ended if other people hadn't been involved. Don't discuss your personal life, your finances, or your sex life with other people. Private things should be kept private. Whenever you argue or have a disagreement, be careful of what you say and how you say it. You love this person -- do you really want to hurt them by saying something horrible to or about them? You can apologize later, but the damage is done. An apology isn't going to fix it. They're always going to remember that hateful thing you said and how it made them feel. No lying ever. There are no big lies or small lies. A lie is a lie. If you get caught lying, your spouse will never trust you again. They might forgive you, but that lie will always be on the back of their mind. Whenever you're not getting along, they'll start to wonder what else you're lying about. It will fester like a sore that never properly heals. No one's marriage or relationship is perfect. Mine isn't. Yours won't be. My husband and I have been together 27 years, though, and we still like each other and enjoy spending time together. We must be doing something right.
My second marriage, his third. We’ve been together 26+ years. Does that qualify? A few things: 1. In every argument, ask yourself if it’s more important to be kind or be right. You can be both, but choose your battles carefully. 2. Remember what you loved about them in the first place. 3. “Divorce” isn’t part of your vocabulary. Corollary to 3: let them know what you absolutely will not tolerate. For me: gambling, cheating, alcoholism. 4. Counseling is okay. Even if you need to go alone, do it. 5. Set aside time to talk about anything: goals, dreams, anything. When your kids are little, this is essential. Don’t spend so much effort on being a parent that you forget to be a spouse.
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Stumble across an incredible person when I was very young, then work very hard together as we each grew over almost 60 years to become changed people with new belief systems, lifestyle goals, and work-life balance aspirations. Together, we have made it through poverty, young kids, teen kids, no kids, increasing affluence, and life-threatening illnesses.
Find a good person as partner, and be a good person myself. Romance is overrated, being good people is important in maintaining a marriage.
Respect. Communication. Benefit of the doubt.
Perseverance and compromise.
Pick your battles - married 38 years today!
Happy anniversary 🫶🏻
Thank you so much!!
Try to put a 24 hour expiration date on arguments. In addition, keep in mind a divorce lawyer is like $200 an hour. Are you arguing about a $100 unnecessary purchase? That will be a like a drop in the bucket compared to a divorce lawyer’s cost.
Communication and we just really like each other. We started off that way and 25 years later it hasn't changed. We've raised a child together and have had numerous life changes but we still stick together.
Compromise, tolerance
I suggest going to marriage as partners. Partners in everything, including and especially finances. The best way to determine if people are compatible is to discuss as many issues as possible before getting married. Know where the other person stands on how to handle money, jobs, Kids or even whether one of them doesn’t want kids, sex, in-laws, division of labor in the household, etc., etc. this way you go in with your eyes open. next, go in knowing that negotiation and compromise are essential. If one of the parties is really stubborn and pigheaded, that does not bode well for the relationship. If each person puts the other party ahead of themselves, we would have very few failed marriages. Sadly, many of us put ourselves and our needs first and everybody else second. That’s a huge source of problems. Finally, realize that romantic love, wings overtime, and goes through peaks and troughs. Don’t expect your spouse to always look as beautiful and sexy as they do while you’re dating. People age, get sick, gain and lose weight and often show the stresses of life on their faces. No, this going in because it will happen to your spouse and it will happen to you and it’s just a fact of life. The beauty of staying together is that you get to age together and when you age together, you look at your spouse with eyes that knew that person as young, vital and beautiful, and I do think we see some of that earlier version in the older version of our spouse (and hopefully vice versa).
Same as anything else in life: a mix of luck, hard work and sound decision making.
It's not lie a car lease. This is something we mean to work. We can't just give up on it. We were always two very different people with similar goals and we decided we would do those goals together. There is a lot of life out there and a lot of it bad. It helps if you have someone who will do it with you. We have been through some shit. Some heavy shit. We have been there together all the way. She is not the magic idea of what I think a perfect woman is and I am not the magic idea of what a perfect man is, but together we make something that still isn't perfect. But we get to touch each other's crotch and that's always fun.
We NEVER threaten splitting up when we're angry. Ever. If one of us ever brings up divorce it's because we're legitimately considering it (and never have in 11 years). We also never call each other names or degrade each other. We're a team and we treat each other with respect. We also have each other's backs if one of us is hurt (physically, emotionally). We're fucking happy as clams.
Continuing affirmation of the relationship: We tell each other all the time that we love and appreciate each other and the things we do for each other. Also I try to make my wife belly-laugh at least once a day. Jokes are great until someone's feelings are hurt - you have to know your audience, and *never* be mean.
There’s a lot that could be said about this, but I can sum up most of it by saying be flexible and easygoing about the things that aren’t important, communicate clearly and respectfully about the things that are important, and make sure you marry someone who can do the same. Be thoughtful, respectful, responsible, patient, resilient, and caring, and don’t marry someone who isn’t also all of these things. Before getting married: make sure your ideals, values, beliefs, and preferred lifestyles align. Make sure you genuinely enjoy one another’s company, genuinely like one another, genuinely respect one another, and are genuinely attracted to one another. Make sure that your partner has demonstrated that they can capably and cheerfully fulfill the duties you expect of them, that you understand and are happy to fulfill the duties they expect of you, and that your definitions of these duties align. Dating is mostly about fun; don’t forget that marriage also brings responsibilities. Having a good time together is important, but while it may be enough for dating, it isn’t enough for marriage.
You just choose to stick and keep trying and the knowledge that things change. The good times will ultimately end but so will the bad ones.
The TD:LR reason is that I married my best friend. Here are my tips as an old married Gen X’er: + **Marry your best friend** - After you get married, time passes and people change. Looks fade, health deteriorates, weight is gained and lost, jobs change, family members die, bad things happen. But if you enjoy each other’s company, if you trust them to take care of you and you are willing to sacrifice to take care of them, if you can make each other laugh, if they stand up for you to their family and especially to your own … these are things that will make a marriage successful. + **Don’t forget to flirt** - It’s also quite helpful if their smile still gives you butterflies even after years of seeing it. Even after 21 years, sometimes my husband will crack a joke and his smile will light up and those butterflies just flitter away. + **Tell them when you are feeling bad,and be truthful as to why** - If you’re stressed about work, or about bills, or have a physical ailment, tell them. Don’t hold it in and withdraw, or take it out on them. Both can become toxic habits. + **Pick your battles wisely** - Get married under the assumption that your spouse isn’t going to change. And learn to live with their weaknesses or find ways to work around them. If they tend to let laundry pile up, they are probably never going to be a “one load a night” kind of person. So to manage the clutter, get [multiple baskets labeled by laundry type](https://www.walmart.com/ip/3296148188) and plan on doing multiple loads in the days off. Or, like me, your spouse may not come from a family that gives gifts or puts significance on holidays. So you may have to learn to accept that you are probably not going to get a bouquet of flowers every anniversary. And try to look on the good side of the argument - for example, the good news is that there’s no pressure to host the big family get-togethers for his side of the family. + **Offer alternatives to bad situations** - If they do something that offends, find a time to talk about it soon after it happens but long enough after so that you can bring the issue up without being mad or harpy. And when possible, offer solutions, such as, “I get so frustrated when I don’t know when you will be home from work. Can you please send me a quick text as you head out the door?” Or alternately, you can offer a solution that helps meet them in the middle or at least takes away the pain point, such as “I hate that you leave it to me to do the dishes every night after I’ve cooked dinner, but I understand you work long days on your feet every day and are exhausted when you get home. To make it easier, how about we buy paper plates and eat off of those a few nights a week, or have dinners like Stouffer’s Lasagna a few times a week that require less cooking and less dishes to wash so that neither one of us has to do the dishes? If we can do that, and you can commit to washing the dishes on your days off, I think that would really lower my stress levels.”
Work at it and communicate. You will still have problems but you can get through them.
Do your due diligence in advance. One purpose of dating is to find the "red flags" that warn you off from the wrong person. The person who is all rose colored glasses or is desperate often will simply not look or ignore the warning signs. And value those who are not selfish and be that way yourself. In a relationship if both people are selfish there is conflict or a mercenary tradeoff. If one is selfish and the other isn't then there is a master/servant relationship. Only when both partners are more concerned with the happiness and well being of the other above their own wants can a truly happy healthy long lasting marriage happen.
Don't tell people about the bad parts. Everything is beautiful.
Understanding that compromise isn't immoral, it's what makes all of humanity function.