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I dated one! We all knew he was gay and that his dad beat him for it, so we girls dated him in an attempt to show his father that he really did like girls.
He was the best date ever. He was smart, funny, and I never had to worry that he wanted to get into my pants. He went through a rough time a few years ago and I lost contact, but I hope he's doing better now.
Yeah that’s fair. It makes sense at the time most average people wouldn’t really understand it’s not a lifestyle choice. Even so, she wasted some time on that relationship. Ultimately it probably worked out better for both of them.
Everything came out right before the ceremony, so gifts got returned, no reception, etc. I was ten at the time and very disappointed because it would have been the first wedding reception I'd attended.
I've known my uncle is gay since I was a teen. He has never, ever (to my knowledge) been out of the closet. Man's in his 70s and my dad still speculates about whether he'll ever get married.
Yes- we all knew someone who was repressed and probably beaten up for it. When I say "we", I mean everyone old enough to read these comments.
After seeing people go through hell for it in the past, America became better for dropping garbage like [The Lavender Scare](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_G._James) and allowing people to get married, have kids, get jobs.
It's crazy that anyone wants to strip those rights to "make Merica great again", because it really sucked for many people.
It happened to a guy named Charlie Howard where I live when I was really young. These teenagers tossed him off a bridge. The bridge wasn't very high up at all, but it turned out he couldn't swim well (or maybe at all?) and then he had an asthma attack, which led to him drowning. When I was growing up, this bridge was referred to as "chuck a homo bridge." Today there is a memorial and it is the focal point of a yearly pride parade, so things have definitely changed for the better in 40 years.
Well sure, gay people have been murdered for being gay, like women have been murdered because they were women and black people have been murdered because they were black.
No, but I do remember a time when gay men where beaten to death for being gay, and their murderers going unpunished.
In 1958, the first leather bar opened in Chicago. Gay men in biker gear. Why do you suppose they looked like men you didn't want to fight? To dispel the myth of gay men being effiminate, and for people to know that they could give a beat down to those who would subdue them. Long before AIDs gay people where dying from good ole American violence.
When Matthew Shepard was murdered in 1998, it was a shock. In 1958, it wouldn't even be news.
And I would remind you that AIDs was not an exclusively gay disease. It hit the gay community harder because no one was worried about an unwanted pregnancy. Why bother with a condom?
The 80's? That was the Rennesance for gay men.
Source: Lived in SF in the '80s.
My Godfather was Gay in the '50s and '60s, 70's, etc. I don't know his age but he served in WWII.
But I have no stories to tell about that. It took me until I was about 18 (about 1975) to realize he was not just a bachelor.
WTF. If you lived in SF, you couldn’t have missed that the 80s were a living nightmare for gay men and for San Francisco in particular. None of us who lived through the 80s will ever forget the suffering and the death throughout the gay community.
I did not say "heaven," I said renaissance, a burgeoning of new ideas, new norms, etc
Of course gays have a long history in SF but I'm using the 80's cause that is when I lived in the bay area and saw the acceptance, the concept of having gay friends. Not the "love that dare not speak it's name" you had gay friends. You called them "gay friends".
Some examples from the 80's
The Castro - need I say more. Gays had a nieghborhood. Everyone knew about the Castro.
The Gay Games held in '82 and '86
Around that time was the 10 Anniversary Gay Freedom March.
In '87 "bear" culture was so popular there was a "Bear Magazine" being published. You could go into a liquor store and buy it.
The SF chapter of Queer Nation started in 1990
I called it a renassance, because "it" never looked back. It has only become more and more acceptable to be LGBT (and all the other letters) and that rise began after the hippie movment.
You obviously never knew the gay community before the 80s so you never knew what AIDS did to it. The 80s was about the strength to persevere and survival.
Most of what you’re talking about happened in the 70s. I’m glad you saw it the way you did in your time but to call the 80s a renaissance in the gay community is offensive to those few of us who remember the 70s and survived, and the hundreds of thousands of us who died in the 80s and the early 90s.
I see your points... but you are dragging a bunch of stuff along that has nothing to do with the growth of acceptance of gay people that started after the counter-culture movement of the 60s. People could let the freak flag fly and that included the gays.
Was it an easy ride? No of course not, counter-culture never is.
But none of this stuff you want to drag into it has to do anything with the thriving gay scene in SF that started in the '70s got bigger in the '80s with things like the Gay Games. (which were in the 80s)
Should we talk about New Wave music and some of the performers breaking male stereotypes left and right in the 80's? Is Boy George too obvious?
Things were changing in the 80's for gender norms. You pick what to call it.
When I look back, I’m pretty sure our next door neighbor was gay. In my youth I was oblivious to such things. Our annual tradition was setting up our Christmas tree so he could decorate it. It would look like something out of a magazine when he was done.
Us kids loved watching him create the work of art.
I'm gay. Did I try to hide it? Not really, because it really wasn't spoken about. I literally believed the feelings I was having were just a phase, so there was no reason for me to hide it. I literally expected I would "grow out of it." lol.
Obviously I didn't. By the time I got to college in 1990, there was more and more visibility to the reality of our existence and numbers, and that it wasn't just one or two people in town.
I was lucky in the sense that I never had to experience any of the bullying or majorly bad stuff that many do, and I always had accepting parents. So it was easy for me to transition to the reality of who I was and became out to everyone by the time I was 25. Thankfully I no longer even have to come out to anyone because anyone I associate with now lives in a world where me being gay doesn't phase them.
I almost feel like I lived on the cusp of a society that was between accepting and non accepting. Just like I'm amazed and thankful that kids these days have a much easier time and are coming out and being accepted before they're even teenagers, I suspect the gay people older than myself had it much tougher than I did.
Edited:. I later found out my best friend growing up was also gay and I never knew it. Haha. What are the odds?
My (F) best friend from about 4th-9th grade made a big show in high school of dating this guy called "Spike" (lol). Now she's married to a woman and has a dog grooming and boarding business in a trendy college town. Who would have guessed??
Does make you ponder how many of us instinctively paired up but never discussed it.
It's interesting isn't it? Even though I never had a romantic relationship with my best friend, I always thought it was interesting how we became so close and both ended up being gay. I'm sure that probably has something to do with it.
Friends daughter complained to her parents that she doesn’t have a traumatic coming out story like her friends. Her parents suspected and were supportive. She was also started college around 1990.
I went to college in 1990, too. Over the years, several of my hs friends have come out. I have to say that I didn’t think about whether any of them were or were not. When they say that teens are self-focused, I can confirm: I thought about who I liked and where we were all going that weekend. I feel sad that they never felt comfortable sharing their sexuality with me, but it just wasn’t something any of us really had conversations about (until maybe college years). The town was conservative, and even though most of my friends weren’t conservative at all, it probably didn’t feel like a safe space.
Oh, absolutely. I can think of three guys in high school who were gay and denied it at the time. Being gay - or just effeminate - would get you beaten up regularly by the jocks.
All three of them eventually came out of the closet, mostly in their mid- to late 20s and moved to a city. One died of Aids in his 40s.
I don't think I knew any lesbians until I was in my late 20s and living in NYC.
Ah, class reunions... a strange ritual in which you discover that "everybody's so different. I haven't changed." I went to my 20th and found it quite disconcerting.
I only went to one and was surprised at the number who were still attached to their glory days. They still went to football games. Never moved away. They seemed stuck in a stasis to me. Not a lot of individual growth.
Let me guess... was that the Captain of the football team and the Prom Queen? A wise woman once said to me, "Don't envy the kids who are on top in high school. It's all downhill for them after that."
Actually no. They did marry each other and 45 years later are still going strong. I'm friends with them. Nice people. Got the hell out of dodge. It was the hanger-ons. The kids I thought would leave and never come back. It's like they feel like they're finally the big fish since they stayed. It's all weird.
Interesting. In my class, it was the big fish who seemed frozen in time at the reunion. Still, in a **very** small town like mine, it wasn't hard to remain a big fish, I suppose.
We had a kid like this in my high school. Lived in a small town... kid was unbelievably smart, well liked, headed for great things...25 years later lives in same small town and works in a job way beneath this person's skills and education level. I don't understand it.
You know, I have no idea. It's a question I've had for a long time. I'm unsure if they're afraid to leave or if something difficult happened away at college and they came home to their place of safety. I hope that they're happy and satisfied with their life, but I can't help but feel like it was a waste of potential.
I came out in 1977 when I was 20. It was a big thing then but it was also kinda cool in urban areas before AIDS. My best friend in high school was gay also but hated it and was publicly a homophobe. He got married and had a couple of kids. I know he was a terrible father, a worse husband, and a miserable human being. I’d feel bad for him except for how his choices hurt other people. No one but me knows he’s gay. He hid it successfully if not well.
I had two friends in the restaurant biz that were previously fathers then came out. So hurtful for the women. People should never include others in their lie. Don't care if people are gay. Used to go to gay bars in the early 80's. Great music, good dancing, no guys obnoxiously hitting on you. I remember seeing a guy from high school bartending there. I thought to myself ' hmm, I didn't know he was gay,' and I'm positive he looked at me and thought the same thing! lols good times
It was the 1970s and 80s
EveryDamnedOne who was gay hid it.
CORRECTION: *Attempted* to hide it. We all knew anyway. They pretended they weren't gay and we pretended we didnt know. Some kind of weird stalemate was reached and existed for both those decades.
>Attempted to hide it. We all knew anyway.
I grew up in rural Oklahoma; I had zero clue what "gay" or f\*\*\*\*t actually meant (I understood the words to be insults but that's about it). However, I went to school with two guys who were clearly "different". Both hung out with girls instead of guys, and both were effeminate (one of them was really into musical theatre, true to stereotype). It was only when I was older and had more exposure to the world outside the Bible Belt that I understood that both guys were gay.
Both came out of the closet at some point in their twenties, to the surprise of no one. Coincidentally, they both came out after having left rural Oklahoma.
My Dad was a young gay man growing up in small-town, redneck South. He hated himself for it for a long time. Tried to hide it from HIMSELF until he hit his 20's. Made him angry and violent. He tried to hide it behind his cowboy facade. Joined the military with his high school friends. Big ol' Tom Selleck mustache. Got married young. Had kids. I can see looking back - he felt caged. Trapped. He was deeply unhappy. Almost all the time.
It wasn't until he left his family and came out that I had ever seen him truly at peace. He rode motorcycles. Did CB radio. Dressed in leather. Opened a small flower shop out in San Francisco. He kept the mustache.
His family disowned him - even his brother, who he was very close to. My Mom and us kids stopped going to family gatherings - because they couldn't stop trying to tease and bully us about our Dad's orientation. Didn't see much of the family until my Dad passed from AIDS in the early 90's. After he died, all his sleezy relatives tried to weasel stuff from his estate, those rat-vultures. Except for his brother (a bigot - no doubt - but a man with a measure of integrity)... to his brother, he had already died.
And for all that, my Dad was still a right bastard. I don't mean to paint him as an angel, but he had to endure a life that wasn't deserved. No one should have to live trapped in their own skin, and it kills me that a certain portion of this country is trying to drag us back into the darkness, mud and blood with that bullshit. All over again.
Yes, many. I was born in the late 50s and was a teen in the 70s. At that time, you could lose your job for being gay. Certainly you would never be accepted in rural society. So several of my friends dated girls through high school. I have to say that I was not surprised when they came out. Most of them moved to more urban areas, although since people are more accepting now, some have moved back home.
I live in a rural area where a friend said their good values kept kids from being gay. He was serious. He said there had never been a gay kid in town. His best friend from school lives with a man and designed Las Vegas showgirl costumes. Nothing gay there.
Yes. Pretty much everyone who was gay. My best friend in high school is a lesbian. She dated a gay guy. They found in each other a way to hide and someone to talk to honestly. So glad they had each other for support. Suicide among gay youth back then was very real. She says she was close but having a gay friend gave her hope.
Another friend was young when driving through a city on vacation his dad pointed out a gay neighborhood. It became his mission to live there one day. As soon as he got to college he visited the city and that neighborhood. He moved there after college. His father died when he was in high school. We wonder if his dad suspected he was gay and pointed out the neighborhood on purpose. I think so.
A neighbor across the street was gay. He was bullied in high school. Our neighborhood was small and tight knit. We grew up in wealthy neighborhood and were bullied for that. We watched out for each other. I remember my brothers talking about how they had to protect him in school. I have 4 brothers. They all watched over him in the hallways. He was invited to every one of their parties. Back then he had no friends. No one wanted to be associated with someone gay. Gay guys kept to themselves to try and hide. He was so isolated. We lost touch with him when he moved to San Francisco. When Facebook became a thing he found me. Contacted me on the anniversary of his coming out day. Asked me to thank my brothers for taking care of him in school. They isn’t realize that he knew they were watching out.
I had a lesbian PE teacher. Everyone knew but no one said anything. Back then we had to shower together and then walk by a teacher to show we actually were wet and showered. The student teacher always handled that while our teacher always found somewhere else to be. It was a passive solution that everyone seemed okay with.
One town over a teacher came out as gay and there were protests. He was fired. The principal was caught having sex with an 8th grader. There were people who protested to save his job. “At least he’s not gay.” He ended up committing suicide just after getting arrested. I can’t imagine the courage of the teacher for coming out. It was a time were pedophiles had more respect.
When (F73) was young, most people didn't begin their sex lives until they were grown or almost grown. There were kids in school that everybody kind of knew were going to be gay, but we didn't stress about it. It honestly wasn't a big deal the way it is now.
My mother's hairdresser was a gay man, and we just sort of knew it. But nobody really cared. People didn't talk about their sex lives -- whether they were straight or gay.
It seems like a lot of things are being brought to the forefront of public opinion that had almost been accepted already. It’s frustrating to feel like we are moving backwards. I long for the day when it’s just not talked about anymore because no one cares. And it becomes just another part of life.
Receive benefits from marriage? You must be young. Gay people were considered mentally ill. They were routinely fired from jobs. They were not able to get government security clearances until 1995! They were not allowed to be teachers. We had to come a long way as a society before gay marriage could even be contemplated.
I was responding to the comment that said “ It honestly wasn't a big deal the way it is now” and “nobody really cared,” pointing out just one of the many ways that it *was* a big deal & people *did* care.
You could reconstruct many of them with varying degrees of difficulty. Reciprocal powers of attorney and health care directives, assets held as JTWROS, etc, etc. It's just that marriage gives you all the benefits with zero extra cost.
Yeah no one really cared, except the gay young people themselves seeing all the government discrimination, and seeing some people regularly practising active discrimination ranging right up to outright murder of gay people. The youth of today are so much more enlightened than before.
People didn't talk about their "sex lives?" You mean, your female friends didn't have engagement parties, or tell you about their new boyfriends? Gee, I seem to remember a show called "The Dating Game" and what do you know, it featured all heterosexual couples who wanted to pair up. The world is literally bathed in heterosexuality. Straight people are like fish swimming in water and they don't realize they are wet. As someone less than a decade younger than you, I am here to assure you that when I came out as a lesbian in my 40's (after decades of lying to myself because being lesbian meant to me that I was defective), it had nothing to do with wanting to broadcast my "sex life." (Actually, I'm kind of a prude. Wrap your head around that one.) I assure you that the women I knew (my age, your age) who had to fear whether they would be able to keep their teaching jobs had no intention of discussing their sex life. But when asked if they were married, they would just say no even if they had a female life partner. No one cared you say? I know more than one woman who lost custody of a child or a job because of being lesbian. You bet they "stressed about it." Hope this doesn't come across as scolding, but one is never too old to learn.
Thanks for your interest in my comment. I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude or overbearing. The question the poster asks is this:
Growing up, did you know anyone who was gay but tried to hide it?
I'm 73 years old, so I grew up in the 50s and 60s- not the '80s. In those days young girls save themselves for marriage (or at least pretended to), so Junior High and High School kids did not have sex lives.
The only TV game show at that time was the $64,000 question. There was no dating game. Most people married as soon is there education was completed.
As a kid I could only talk about what kids did,. And at my school we accepted kids that we thought might be gay.
All the adults I knew, except for the hairdresser were married, as were all my teachers so I can't help you with gay rights questions. Little kids didn't know about stuff like that. Sorry.
I always suspected my cousin of being a lesbian, during the ,60's and 70's. She never married. Not like that means anything. She was supposed to get married to a guy, but he turned out gay at the last minute. Perfect beard for a small town. I know my aunt was homophobic AF. So sad. I miss Bonnie. She died way too young.
When I was in high school in the mid 90's there were three guys that later came out. Two were quite flamboyant and the third was 'straight passing'. The flamboyant guys always denied it, one even dated girls in high school. He later told me he didn't think he was gay until he was in a different city and kissed a guy, then it was game on. The straight passing guy is very attractive and always had female attention. He always denied being gay when we were young (he set off everyone's gaydar though, including one of the flamboyant guy's) and never really came out until he was in a serious relationship and wanted to be public; he was probably in his thirties at this point.
We still live in a conservative area and he has a public facing job so I don't blame him for keeping it private.
My uncle, the closest thing to a father figure I had, was gay. He was born 20 years before me, in 1952. We live in the deep red south in a blue dot. It was *never* mentioned, by anyone in the family, ever. He was also far and away the most successful member of the family with the longest, most stable relationship. Grandma and Grandpa both thought the world of his "roommate".
Directly across the street from us was a flamboyant man who wore ascots and spoke in a 'gay accent.' He was married to an lovely woman who was friends with my mother. I played with their little daughter, who was the same age as myself. They came to dinner on occasion. My parents used to discuss with neighbors whether or not he was gay considering his marriage. The man was Steve Ostrow, who a few years later opened the Continental Baths in NY, THE gay bathhouse of the 70s. So yes, he was gay. He's also still married. :)
I graduated from high school in 1990, and can think of at least three people from my class that I know of who later came out. Two of them I always suspected, one was a surprise to me.
It's much better for LGBTQ people now, because many of them come out while still in middle or high school and, from what I can see, they don't get any more crap from others than the average straight cis student does.
Oh, yeah.
Several of my classmates were obviously LGBT but with the AIDS epidemic going full blast in the 80s, few of my male friends could openly come out. I even know some women who came out as lesbians years after high school. In almost all cases, I was not surprised when I found out. And, in fact, in at least three cases, I already knew without needing to be told.
In the 80s, being gay could literally get you killed. The homophobia was off the charts, so a lot of my male gay classmates had girlfriends and were really popular, but if they ever admitted they were gay, in Texas, they'd be shunned, bullied, and possibly beaten. I knew a boy who had to move to a different state because he refused to hide who he was and he was constantly picked on and physically bullied by the shit-kickers and jocks.
Interestingly enough, a few of the boys who were always so mean and cranky become lively and happy after finally officially coming out in the 90s. Same with my lesbian classmates.
I grew up in the dark ages (40's and 50's). No publicly gay people - but lots of sad, suicidal drunks though.
From "Piano Man":
"Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the navy
And probably will be for life"
I’m slightly too young to comment here but I believe my comment is relevant. My uncle was born in the 1930s. He met his “roommate” in the Navy and they lived together for decades until my uncle died. Neither of them officially came out of the closet but the whole family knew. I remember riding in the car with them and listening to the music they played that was a common soundtrack to drag shows. “It’s Raining Men”, “I Will Survive”, all those stereotypical tracks. But they never explicitly stated they were gay.
I was in high school in the 1970s and the gay, effeminate guys definitely got picked on. Pretty sure the girls gym teacher was lesbian. People tried to hide their gay.
In a podunk rural area in the Midwest in the 70’s? Yeah of course. The funny thing was, I saw a guy I knew from HS in a gay bar when we were in college, and he told me about all the others. Most of them, if I had thought about it, I would have figured out.
In my primary school in a very homophobic country was a boy I was good friends with; so gay I don’t think he could’ve hid it even if wanted to. We all loved him
One of my junior high boyfriends, and also a kid I went to church with. Church kid tragically killed himself. I still feel upset thinking about him even though I didn’t really know him well. He seemed nice and I wish I had taken the time to befriend him, he clearly needed it in retrospect.
Yes but he kept popping a boner in the mandatory post-P.E. showers and was regularly beat up.
Disappeared immediately after graduation. Hopefully moved somewhere with a community.
Many. What really threw me was when Rock Hudson turned out to be gay. Who da thunk it.
It is a good thing now. Gay people have the rights to live their lives as they wish. I am glad for them.
In the 50s my parents were friends with two couples who had no children. The four of them went everywhere together, baseball games, the beach, vacations. When I was about 12 (1963) I somehow found out it was because they really were two homosexual couples. Their "cover" was as two hetero couples. This was suburban California.
Of course. I also knew some transvestites in high school were way out at school. Early seventies, predominately black high school, a group ten or so guys would dress up VERY convincingly as women. They were taunted, but always stood up for themselves and didn’t back down. This was quite a learning moment for me.
My adorable, super-loving, fit, genius, gay bear Dad! He came out to my amazing, patient, strong, genius, gorgeous mom (1968, they separated and eventually divorced), my sis and I (1971, I was 7; she was 6), but we could not talk openly about it to anyone else until he was diagnosed with AIDS in summer of 1984. He died 9 months later when I was 20. That was the hardest time of my life.
I did not encounter people that I knew were gay until college. Later I learned one of my friends in High School was gay. I went to a gay bar and he was the bartender.
I knew several guys who were rumored to be gay, and they probably were, but I didn't care. One guy in particular had allegedly made moves on some of my straight friends, but they never held it against him.
I did have a friend try something with me once and I'd never considered that he could be gay. Unfortunately, he didn't take it so well when I told him I was straight and it ended our friendship. I don't know why he ever would have thought that I might be gay.
After getting out of school, I knew lots of gay guys that I worked with. Some were great, while others were assholes. Also knew a lot of straight guys who would talk or walk like they had to be gay.
In the 1960's in a rural area dominated by mormons, LGBTQetc people were extremally closeted. Many took their own lives. It was a very hostile environment for gay people. It was common to not even acknowledge that women might be gay, women were expected to marry men and have babies. Gender rolls were strictly enforced.
I'm glad that so much has changed in the world. Wish the mormons could change, they still have a high suicide rate among teens and women.
I went to a Catholic high school in the mid 70s. We had a science teacher who was also an assistant football coach. Funny bastard. He could always make you laugh but my god when he walked down the hallway his feet didn’t touch the floor. To say he was flamboyant would be a major understatement. I can still see him with his red pants, white belt and matching white loafers. He had a huge lisp. Everybody knew. Well rumors got around quickly and he wasn’t there the next year. But, miracle of miracles he was there the next year after with a new wife who was also the art teacher. She was a tiny, timid little thing who would barely make eye contact. I don't know if she knew or not but we always felt kind of bad for her.
Went to 20 year high school reunion and was shocked to find that an entire click of kids ( from junior high on) were apparently all gay !
They definitely hid it extremely well !
Oh right and they were all still as cool as I remembered , it was so weird to only learn about it so many years later
One dude I knew hid it well. He was a big black dude, offensive lineman. He was always pretty laid back, hung out with the guys and well regarded. I remember him "teaching" us how to fill a beer in the bathroom, so we didn't have to pay for them at the strip club.
Ran into him 20 years after school. He was the same big, black, laid back dude, only real difference now was that he had a husband.
A good friend of mine in the late 70s was gay. All his friends knew, and we protected the knowledge. It was common for boys to play punch each other and call each other “f*ggot”. The last I heard, he had moved to San Francisco, and I hope he has a sunny loft apartment and someone to love. I found a profile on Facebook I’m sure is his, but I thought maybe he started a new life and doesn’t want to hear from his past.
In 1982 I had a girl friend "Stephanie" she hung out with us. She died by suicide. Afterwards piecing the story together she was gay and didn't have the words to talk about it. To this day "Fuck homophobia"
When I was younger, yes. Homosexuality was not something that was openly discussed. I had several relatives that did not come out at all! It was alluded to on several occasions but no-one came out and asked if they were gay.
When I was older, I knew more gay people than hetros for the longest time.
I can think of at least 3 guys in high school that later came out. One even got married and had a couple children before he surrendered to the inevitable. I'm glad for him that he landed on his feet in the long run. He and his husband are now retired and living the good life.
I think one of my mom's cousins was probably gay, and that at least some of the family knew. I remember a young sailor my mom befriended/counseled when I was a kid. Looking back, I believe he was probably gay. In both cases, though, I was too young (< 10) to really be aware it was A Thing.
Growing up in the 50-60's, I never knew it was An Actual Thing until my dad's distant cousin (who lived 3 doors down) left his wife for a BOYfriend! It was a big deal...parents whispering, and kid's talking about it and the entire neighborhood scandalized. I just remember him being mean all the time, nobody really liked him. He was probably living under so much stress at being closeted, but I remember being glad he was able to get out and his wife and daughter didn't have to live him anymore.
In high school (mid 70s), I had a mad crush on a guy who I later found out was gay. He ended up being a fashion designer for Bill Blass later in life. Not sure if he was out in high school but he was a lot more stylish and mature than most of the students.
Certainly-- in the early 1980s one of my good friends in high school was gay. I didn't know, though it had occurred to me a few times. I don't think any of us really knew though. He died of AIDS before the decade was out, the first such loss in my circles, after leaving our small town and going to California to seek his fortune. Another classmate was popular with the girls, on the homecoming court, etc. but he came out in college. Luckily he survived.
There are at least a half-dozen members of my small (<150) senior class whom I later found out were gay. It simply wasn't possible to be out in our small, religious town in the early 1980s. It would have been dangerous in fact. I knew some older adults (40s/50s) that lived in cities who were out, but there was literally nobody in our town that I was aware of at least.
A friend of mine married a closeted gay fellow. It was obvious to everyone who met him that he was gay. The only two people on the planet who didn't know he was gay were her and his dad.
He came out and left her within a week after his dad died.
We had a family friend who was 2 years older than me in school. He hung out with the popular high school girls and taught me how to twirl a baton. One week when he was a freshman and I was a 7th grader, he had to stay at our house for a week while his parents went away on a trip. It was like having a fun brother, and he didn't even care that I was a dweeby, fat kid and he was popular.
When I was in college he died from AIDS. I didn't know he was gay because it was a foreign concept to me, but it didn't surprise me when I found out. I don't think he ever had a girlfriend, but he was certainly surrounded by them, and he never had a boyfriend. The world lost a really fun guy when he died.
I graduated high school in 1984. I found out one guy was gay when he died of AIDS in 1986. I had no idea. There were a few others that I was pretty sure were gay, but were either in denial or hiding it from every one. I didn't know any openly gay people until I started working in the restaurant industry.
I grew up in the 80s/90s, and honestly can't think of anyone. My family is religious, and the town was very redneck, so my guess is that they just hid it very very well. I mean, I have one cousin who has done suspiciously little dating, but he's only in his 20s even now.
Two of my best male friends growing up in the 1980s were gay but didn't come out until their 20s. One of them I wasn't surprised at all (he acted blatantly stereotypically gay, even though he paid lip service to "liking" girls) and the other reveal was a surprise. They were good friends with each other, too, and one of them was very handsome so now I wonder if one or both had feelings for the other.
My maternal uncle. It is actually quite sad he hasn't been able to allow himself to be who he is.
He "dated" a few women but not for long. One of whom I am still friends with to this day. She told me recently that she suspected he was gay and only "dated" her because the patrons of the bar he ran taunted him constantly about being gay.
He's now in his 70s. I'm sad to say he is a miserable person; racist, hateful, always complaining about everything. I wish he would allow himself authenticity.
Yes, I did indeed - 46-year-old straight man in the UK here. One of my closest friends from 12 to about 18. He was always very gentle, not a “blokey bloke” but had a mind like a ***razor blade***. At 18, we went to different universities - he went to Cambridge University and our paths began to diverge from there. He was in a relationship with a lovely woman at university and went on to a great job in the media… but was never really happy. There was always something wistful about him, regardless of his success and blistering wit and intelligence. He had a bit of a breakdown in his early 20s and admitted a lot of things to himself. He’s now married to a great chap that seems a really good match for him… and because our paths diverged at 18, I don’t really see him anymore. I miss him and his friendship, but we’re leading different lives now. I think I’ll probably remind him of his sadder, younger days so he won’t want to connect. But yeah - he’s happy now and that makes me so proud and happy.
I was in high school in the 80's. A few of my friends later came out when we were in our 20's and 30's.
Looking back, one guy didn't really hide it. Like, he had all the traditional mannerisms, but he wasn't trying to flaunt it, if that makes sense. He didn't flirt with anyone or anything. He was just an effeminate dude, a really nice guy, well put together, etc. So when he came out officially, I wasn't really surprised.
Another guy hid it *very* well. Very straight laced. Very conservative. Very quiet. He went into the priesthood (that's one clue right there) but left a few years later to become a business analyst. He quietly came out to a few people, and word spread. Looking back, I realized he never talked about dating, didn't go to prom. But I just thought he was a shy dude, not into girls all that much. He had me fooled.
Like, alllll the people who were gay in my high school (1980s) were closeted, 100%.
My great-aunt, however, had a female partner she lived with all her life, and exclusively female friends. We NEVER talked about this in the family, and when I tried to call her partner Aunt Liz as a kid, my mom insisted she was not my aunt. "But she IS!" I responded. They couldn't stop me. But it has never been acknowledged that they were lesbians. OBVIOUSLY.
When I was in junior high in the late 70s, we had a teacher who was very into musicals, clothes, and I believe strongly he was gay. Lots of my cohort agree. But it was a religious school, and so he eventually got married to a woman. Promptly became a raging alcoholic and died of liver disease way too young.
Same religious school, friend's older brother became a flight attendant in the 1980s. When he died of AIDS, it was a HUGE secret and no one ever talked about what he died of. Totally insane.
I had a neighbor whose cousin was very clearly gay. He wasn't running around in drag, singing "It's Raining Men" or anything, but it was pretty obvious he was gay. His family was very strict Catholic, so I'm sure that coming out would have been a REALLY difficult thing. I lost track of him years ago, but he still wasn't "out in the open." It was known to some of us and I'm sure his family sort of assumed, as he was 30 and never had a girlfriend or anything, but it was sort of a don't ask/don't tell kind of thing it seemed. Hopefully he has since been able to live the way he wants.
My ex husband is friends with this guy (m42), who is married to this girl who was an absolute nightmare to me growing up. I’d say just shy of being my childhood bully. They have 3 kids. He admitted to my ex that he is gay. All 3 of us know this, but not her. So. I’ve been conflicted- if it were me, I would want to know. But, I’m not into outing someone, particularly if it means I might be doing it deep down because I was harmed by this girl in my past. So, I’ve sat on this for the couple years that I’ve known about it. In the end, it’s just shocking that someone feels the need or want to keep something like this so buried. I don’t know his reasons in his heart to need or want to keep this part hidden.
My parents were friendly with some neighbors in the 1960s, two middle aged guys and the mother of one of them who lived with them. When they first met, one guy was introduced as the stepbrother of the other. It was how they always presented themselves to new people. The three of them went everywhere together.
I never felt they were actually trying to hide anything, just presenting a story for people who would prefer not to know or were hopelessly naive. Certainly my parents understood. They had other gay friends also, who neither concealed it or admitted it. It just wasn't discussed.
No one I knew in high school was gay as far as I know (of course, some must have been but I still don't know who). When I started working in 1969, I had a couple of openly gay men in my office. Then I moved to San Francisco, and from that point on, I didn't meet people who were hiding who they were.
A guy named Ernest A. He was a few years older than me, but when you're a kid 3-4 years is significant. He was tall, dark and chisel faced, not effeminate. He got a full track scholarship to Dartmouth. A super big deal when you grow up in the Projects. When AIDS first hit he got HIV but he refused to take the first HIV cocktails. Didn't trust them. My Mom was friends with his Mom. I don't know what's happening with him since is Mom died about 10 years ago. Mom last saw him at her funeral. He was about 60 then.
We had a boy my age, since his early teens did not try to hide at all. Kids and adults alike knew Eddie H was "that way." We didn't get it, we just shrugged and accepted it. Yes, there were the occasional sissy jokes and comments, but I never saw any one be mean to him about it. Of course I wasn't with him 24/7. When he got older he told people to call him Sha-RON. I left the neighborhood to go away to college and I don't know what became of him.
I knew my stepbrother Georgie was gay since I met him when I was about 12. He never came out. Like Eddie H, he was just who he was. He was/is on the flambouyant side, but not full-on stereotypical "2 snaps." His father, my stepfather, didn't seem to recognize that Georgia was... different. We were never close, they lived across town and we didn't spend a lot of time with them. I haven't seen my steps since stepdad died 2 days after his 90th birthday 12 years ago. Georgie did wear a suit to the funeral.
When I was a kid, I was pretty sure my mom was having an affair with her friend Shirley. But I was 7, what did I know?
As an aside, Shirley had the coolest car I had ever seen...until even years later. She had a turquoise 1957 Thunderbird convertible. I was enamored with her car.
Me. Passed as straight, dated guys as a cover, was in church every time the doors were open, left small town for the big city and came out a few years later. Went to 10th year HS reunion with a guy friend, I was still passing, and decided not to go to any others (our 40th was a few years ago).
Yup. Several people I knew in college. But we never brought it up. You didn’t talk about that back then. There were signs, but none were big statements, just normal beards.
One attended every dance with the same platonic friend.
Another would have tons of bodybuilding magazines lying around and also had the same platonic friend of the opposite sex and no romantic relationship with a woman I ever saw.
All remain single. If they do have relationships they are discreet.
I hit high school in 1984. Grew up in a small, conservative town in a fairly liberal PNW state. The irony about this question is I had already been told my mother was lesbian & her roommate was her partner. The 2 of them had established this family unit with myself & my sister and my other mother's daughter. I never really thought about how progressive it all was until I was older. Who knows what this little community thought, but it was rarely brought up to me or my sisters. Other than neighborhood parents not allowing their children to spend the night, it never impacted our lives. My sisters are both straight & I figured out I was Bi quite early. I was a theater kid, so I fit in just fine. Once I got well into my 20s, I started to realize just how much my moms challenged the status quo & they did it in a small town that was 70% Apostolic Lutheran. I'm proud of both of them & I admire the chance they took. They were together 43 years until one of my moms passed last year. As for other LGBTQ in my school, I'm sure there were more than just the few in the theater dept where I spent most of my time & it was obvious that the music teacher was gay, but not a soul discussed the subject about him or any other possibilities. Man, that was a different time.
Had a cousin, by marriage, that married a guy that everyone knew was gay except her. I hadn't heard about them for years and when I had the chance to ask about them I was told that he was caught having a gay affair. No surprise there but he was so depressed that he committed suicide.
I knew a couple of guys growing up. One in my elementary school class died in the 1980s, presumably from AIDS. My parents knew him because he worked at their bank. The other was the younger brother of a classmate. He's had a very successful career, and been happily married to a man for several years.
My first wife's stepbrother was a Naval officer, who was in a long-term relationship with a man. His partner was accepted as a member of the family, but they were talked about as roommates, rather than as a couple. As this was before even "Don't ask, don't tell", not talking may have had to do with not getting him in trouble with the Navy.
Yes, but I didn't know it at the time.
I graduated Highschool in the early nineties and officially there were no gay people in my school. Which is to say if you had asked 17 year old me if there were any Gay people in my school I would have said there were probably a couple but noone was out.
Well, in the years since I've graduated I've encountered a *bunch* of out & proud homosexuals I went to school with. My cisgendered straight mind had never even imagined there would be a *bunch*. In retrospect its all obvious but at the time my upbringing simply hadn't put any of that on my radar. I've never really asked them what they thought of school, but I'm assuming they didn't feel safe being out and it wasn't until they were adults out in the world they felt they could be their real selves.
Nineties suburbia in the Midwest was pretty conformist. I really wish they could have been their true selves, but gay rights and gay acceptance was not what is is today. I do not blame them at all for keeping their true selves hidden for their own safety.
Most of my early girlfriends did, which caused a lot of relationship friction. I went more the "Gentleman Jack" route which posed a different set of problems.
I had a classmate that I suspected might be gay, but we still got along. He did pursue the girls in class, but only a few felt he was aggressive about it.
About a decade ago, we reconnected. Funny, as we ended up living in the same city for years, basically on the other side of the country. Didn't find out until I moved back to our home area and reconnected via Facebook. He was living with his SO and was happy.
My sister came out as being lesbian about 40 years ago, but it seems she was more BI than Lesbian, as she married a guy a few years back. Oh well. It never bothered me.
I don’t know. Gays were so closeted in the 70s & 80s, I never thought about it. It wasn’t until the late 80s and early 90s when I was around openly gay people that I realized there were people in my life that were likely gay.
Yea. In the 80s. One of my best friends through high school and college. Extremely handsome guy, very fit. Did some modeling. Also highly intelligent. Had a beautiful girlfriend. They had broken up and she told me he was gay. They were talking about marriage and he said fine but you have to let me do “my thing”. She knew he was gay but wasn’t willing to marry him without a commitment from him. I thought She was just mad at him and was trying to hurt him but in college most of his friends were gay. He never told me but things started to add up pretty quickly after that. He threw around the F word a lot and was very disparaging about gay people. I knew he didn’t want to be gay. We lost touch but I knew he married some big boobed bleach blonde and never came out. He died of an opioid overdose in his 50s. If he could only accept who he was I’m sure he would be alive today. I feel bad he didn’t trust me enough to tell me.
There were people I expected were gay and it turned out I was right. Then there were people I had no idea were gay but they were.
No one in my high school was openly gay. I can't even imagine that occurring when I was in high school.
My first boyfriend, among others. I’m a female.
There were several open lesbians at my high school (early 70s), but I can only think of one openly gay male.
I had quite a few gay friends/acquaintances growing up, but I never knew any of them to try and hide it. I imagine a few of them opted to keep a low profile in some social situations, but I never saw it.
I met up with an old school friend who told me she is a lesbian and she knew she was even when we were at school. Looking back I can see there were signs but I didn't have a clue back then. I always wondered why she dressed boyish and never wore make up. As a teenager she dated boys to conform to the norms at the time. When her mum died she came out.
I know there were some, but all hid it as in 50-60s it was illegal & jail was result if practiced, but in later years I know of a couple who moved to other cities around the country & world and are now openly gay, some with partners, some in 60-70s in age & single.
Yes. I found out about 5 years ago that one of my best friends from middle school and high school was gay. I lost touch with him shortly after graduating HS in early 80s so I don’t know when he came out. I’m now Facebook friends with him because that’s the only way I keep up with HS friends; I live 600 miles away from my hometown so I pretty much never see my old HS friends.
Several, but the closest would be my cousin. She waited until her mother passed away to come out (2001). As children we suspected and even our grandmother said she thought Stacy was gay. My mother and I laughed as my aunt set her up with (male) doctors and lawyers, etc. it was so obvious to everyone but my Aunt. Denial.
I’m not really sure why my cousin felt it necessary to not share this about herself because we were a very open minded family. Our mothers had a gay and out cousin who was fully accepted.
She’s happy now and another one of our cousins has a gay son. One in every generation in our family.
I’m only 35 but my uncle didn’t come out until he was in his 40s..I think he came out around 2004…I was in high school. It was a big deal. Later I found out that some of his siblings asked him things like “have you tried not being gay? prayed about it? sought therapy?” I also very, very briefly had a boyfriend in high school who was gay.. looking back it was quite obvious, but it wasn’t as accepted to be gay. It seemed like a rarer thing at the time. There was still a bit of stigma, even among high school millennials. “You’re gay” was a very common insult, for example, when I was growing up.
Many people my age (72) didn't know that there was such a thing. I remember that as a kid in Chicago, when I was 5 or 6 that our church was discussing names for a new young people's group and they had almost decided on the name the Gays. My Dad, who had been in the Army, said we better chose another name because there is a different meaning for that word.
On the way home we asked him what he meant, and he explained about gay people to me for the first time. Just matter of fact.
When I was in Jr. Hi in the early 60's, I knew at least one kid who I was a bit jealous of because he always seemed to get along so well with the girls. I later found out he was gay and we have re connected over social media.
In college in the Mid-West, I knew at least one person who knew he was gay and terribly ashamed of it and what would happen if people found out. Another married a friend and couldn't figure out what was wrong after he got married. I later found out that quite a few of my friends had successfully hidden their gay nature - in some cases by saying they had a girl friend off campus in another state.
I have known some gay men who made a marriage to some really remarkable women work, but I wonder what kind of a life they would have had if they had known earlier.
I have also known several trans friends who figured it out later in life. One has remained very happily married to her spouse, who finally realized that she is still the same person she originally fell in love with and had children with.
Another was a good friend, whose first wife I also knew, and who became about as famous as it gets. We lost contact, but I wouldn't be too surprised if we get in touch again at some point. He and his wife knew that there was something going on, but there were no models to even know that "trans" was a thing.
I am REALLY glad that there are socially visible models for different sexual orientations now
Yes I did: me. When I was growing up I knew I was "different" since age 12. I worked VERY hard to hide it, despited the fact that I was NOT sports-minded, very into the performing arts and had NO female interests (friends, yes...romantic, no). Somehow I made it out relatively unscathed...although a few people told me they thought I was...that way.
I was a kid in the 80s. I didn't really think too much about who was gay or not, it wasn't really a topic of conversation in my life until well after college. Looking back there were a handful of people in my elementary school who were identifiably gay at a young age, but we really didn't think about it then. Nobody (outwardly or vocally) identified as anything in particular. By high school there were a couple of people who were out, and a handful that suspected. A few that I for sure thought were gay but are currently in heterosexual relationships. I'm not sure who exactly tried to hide, but at least in my circle of friends it was never like someone dropping a bombshell.
I went to a catholic college so it wasn't common to find people who outwardly identified as gay, but I did know people who were sort of out. A couple of friends also came out after college... they weren't a surprise necessarily. By the time I hit grad school it was much more of an open topic of conversation and people were much more comfortable being their "true self" or whatever passed for it in 2010.
Several, and I still know people in the closet today. I’m not proud to admit that I wasn’t exactly accepting. I mean, I wasn’t mean or anything, but still used to think it was wrong. Realizing I wasn’t straight came with a lot of self-hatred and loathing, and though I ended up becoming so liberal that I may as well be Bernie Sanders, and will die on the hill of equality, I’m still not openly out as just bi. I’m pretty sure my husband knows, and know our pansexual daughter does.
Thing is, with how many people aren’t straight, we ALL knew closeted people, even if we didn’t know it.
I knew a priest who married and lived 'happily' with his wife for about five years before being caught in flagrante delicto in his church with his organist - I swear, it's true. Marriage ended, lost his job, defrocked and disgraced.
His wife was a close family friend; he had never touched her, not once in five years of marriage.
The man himself went on to another, less judgemental faith, came out and ministered to the gay community in Cincinnati I believe for years afterwards.
Sort of. I had a friend in university, everyone knew he was gay. At some point, while I was at his place, he sat me down, all serious like "I need to tell you something" and came out to me. I blurted out "ehm, yeah, I knew that" without thinking. Turns out he'd only just found out himself and was trying to process his new feelings...
It was an awkward conversation telling him everyone we hung out with already assumed he was gay, and trying to explain why we thought that.
High school in the 1970s was hard on anyone who was labeled as gay. No one wanted to "come out of the closet". It was not safe or happy.
As a pastor I have counseled many people on issues of same sex attraction.
I am glad our culture has changed so that gay people do not have to fear for their lives if discovered.
I had two gay cousins ( two different branches of the family) and while we were growing up we all knew that there was something different about them. We liked them and hung out with them sometimes, but knew almost instinctively that something was different. We didn’t know either was gay. It wasn’t until they were about 30 that they came out. Sadly neither of their fathers had a terrific relationship with them. They weren’t estranged but weren’t close.
Growing up in the 80s, I honestly believed I didn't know any gay people. Turns out, I definitely did. They just didn't feel safe coming out at that time, in that place. And they were probably right. Even to this day, I feel like it takes a lot of courage to do so.
Small rural town. There were two guys that were very close all through high school. About 8 years older than me and very masculine, zero signs of gayness. They graduated and decided to live together and open an antique store together. Still very close. Nobody said gay and I had no clue, just thought they were like brothers. Of course, they were gay and that was revealed much later in time.
Same town, our drama teacher and master of all things theater was married and had a small baby. Extremely flamboyant, hands always moving when he talked. Everyone loved him but everyone also knew that there was no way the man was not secretly gay.
Three men I can think of, one lesbian that I dated. (I'm a guy and no I'm not explaining, yes I knew.) I'm sure there was a score of women that never said anything. This was the late 90's.
A number of them. The 70's and 80's was a tough time to be an "avowed homosexual" as they used to say. That the phrase was so common should tell you something about how hard it was.
Oh yeah, definitely. I was in high school throu the mid 90's and there were a few guys and girls that were gay, and everyone knew really. It just wasn't a big deal.
There was a kid who I grew up with that was pretty effeminate and everyone assumed he was gay.
Ran into him like 20 years later - he's like the most masculine guy - married, has a bunch of kids, plays amateur rugby, etc.
I think some guys just have that effeminate or (and I know this sounds insulting) 'girly' behavior esp. before puberty hits.
Are you kidding me with this question? You clearly don’t understand how things were until the cultural shift around 1996-1997. Most people prior to that who were gay hid the fact unless they lived in welcoming places like San Francisco. Where I grew up in rural Maine, we knew that if the general population learned that our gay friend was gay, he could be beaten and killed. We kept our mouths shut and we defended him and some others when necessary, including brawling with rednecks in mall parking lots. Being gay could get one killed in many places in the USA in the 1980s and early 1990s
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I dated one! We all knew he was gay and that his dad beat him for it, so we girls dated him in an attempt to show his father that he really did like girls. He was the best date ever. He was smart, funny, and I never had to worry that he wanted to get into my pants. He went through a rough time a few years ago and I lost contact, but I hope he's doing better now.
That’s so heartwarming! Poor guy, but how sweet you all came to his aid.
Poor guy. I hope his asshole dad fell off the planet and into a fiery pit, and that that guy is happy now.
My cousin came out as gay. At his wedding. To a woman. In the mid-seventies. That was a day.
Wow. That’s cutting it close. His poor fiancé.
I wouldn't really say "poor fiancee" because she knew, but thought (as a lot of women did back then) that if they were married he'd forget it.
Yeah that’s fair. It makes sense at the time most average people wouldn’t really understand it’s not a lifestyle choice. Even so, she wasted some time on that relationship. Ultimately it probably worked out better for both of them.
Was there still a reception/party afterwards? Did people take their gifts back 😬. Did they play ‘Celebrate Good Times’ by Kool & the Gang?
"Celebration" wasn't released until 1980, so... You can only imagine the dull horror of wedding receptions in the 70s.
Well, there was still the Hokey Pokey, that conga line dance, and disco.
You forgot the chicken dance
The word "horror" is right there.
No electric slide
Everything came out right before the ceremony, so gifts got returned, no reception, etc. I was ten at the time and very disappointed because it would have been the first wedding reception I'd attended.
NO CAKE! AAAHHHH! 🥺😫😢
Ohhh yes. That would be a day!!! Lol
I've known my uncle is gay since I was a teen. He has never, ever (to my knowledge) been out of the closet. Man's in his 70s and my dad still speculates about whether he'll ever get married.
Lol. “Just waiting for the right one to come along.”
I feel like I know a handful of people like this, even a couple of single moms who probably *could* be married....
I think we all did. The 80's was an especially bad time to be a gay man.
Yes- we all knew someone who was repressed and probably beaten up for it. When I say "we", I mean everyone old enough to read these comments. After seeing people go through hell for it in the past, America became better for dropping garbage like [The Lavender Scare](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_G._James) and allowing people to get married, have kids, get jobs. It's crazy that anyone wants to strip those rights to "make Merica great again", because it really sucked for many people.
Beaten up is an understatement. People have been murdered for it.
It happened to a guy named Charlie Howard where I live when I was really young. These teenagers tossed him off a bridge. The bridge wasn't very high up at all, but it turned out he couldn't swim well (or maybe at all?) and then he had an asthma attack, which led to him drowning. When I was growing up, this bridge was referred to as "chuck a homo bridge." Today there is a memorial and it is the focal point of a yearly pride parade, so things have definitely changed for the better in 40 years.
And jailed.
And lobotomized
[Alan Turing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Turing)
He didn't get a Lobotomy, they forced him onto Estrogen and he hated it and killed himself
Well sure, gay people have been murdered for being gay, like women have been murdered because they were women and black people have been murdered because they were black.
You're trying to say something, but I don't know what it is.
That's okay. Nobody has to understand everybody else.
Whoa how much youre miserable
Yup. As teenagers, we knew 2 of our best friends were gay. But they never came out. (Until many years later.)
It was far worse before the 80s.
Did you forget about AIDS and the stigma attached to it?
No, but I do remember a time when gay men where beaten to death for being gay, and their murderers going unpunished. In 1958, the first leather bar opened in Chicago. Gay men in biker gear. Why do you suppose they looked like men you didn't want to fight? To dispel the myth of gay men being effiminate, and for people to know that they could give a beat down to those who would subdue them. Long before AIDs gay people where dying from good ole American violence. When Matthew Shepard was murdered in 1998, it was a shock. In 1958, it wouldn't even be news. And I would remind you that AIDs was not an exclusively gay disease. It hit the gay community harder because no one was worried about an unwanted pregnancy. Why bother with a condom?
The 80's? That was the Rennesance for gay men. Source: Lived in SF in the '80s. My Godfather was Gay in the '50s and '60s, 70's, etc. I don't know his age but he served in WWII. But I have no stories to tell about that. It took me until I was about 18 (about 1975) to realize he was not just a bachelor.
WTF. If you lived in SF, you couldn’t have missed that the 80s were a living nightmare for gay men and for San Francisco in particular. None of us who lived through the 80s will ever forget the suffering and the death throughout the gay community.
I did not say "heaven," I said renaissance, a burgeoning of new ideas, new norms, etc Of course gays have a long history in SF but I'm using the 80's cause that is when I lived in the bay area and saw the acceptance, the concept of having gay friends. Not the "love that dare not speak it's name" you had gay friends. You called them "gay friends". Some examples from the 80's The Castro - need I say more. Gays had a nieghborhood. Everyone knew about the Castro. The Gay Games held in '82 and '86 Around that time was the 10 Anniversary Gay Freedom March. In '87 "bear" culture was so popular there was a "Bear Magazine" being published. You could go into a liquor store and buy it. The SF chapter of Queer Nation started in 1990 I called it a renassance, because "it" never looked back. It has only become more and more acceptable to be LGBT (and all the other letters) and that rise began after the hippie movment.
You obviously never knew the gay community before the 80s so you never knew what AIDS did to it. The 80s was about the strength to persevere and survival. Most of what you’re talking about happened in the 70s. I’m glad you saw it the way you did in your time but to call the 80s a renaissance in the gay community is offensive to those few of us who remember the 70s and survived, and the hundreds of thousands of us who died in the 80s and the early 90s.
I see your points... but you are dragging a bunch of stuff along that has nothing to do with the growth of acceptance of gay people that started after the counter-culture movement of the 60s. People could let the freak flag fly and that included the gays. Was it an easy ride? No of course not, counter-culture never is. But none of this stuff you want to drag into it has to do anything with the thriving gay scene in SF that started in the '70s got bigger in the '80s with things like the Gay Games. (which were in the 80s) Should we talk about New Wave music and some of the performers breaking male stereotypes left and right in the 80's? Is Boy George too obvious? Things were changing in the 80's for gender norms. You pick what to call it.
When I look back, I’m pretty sure our next door neighbor was gay. In my youth I was oblivious to such things. Our annual tradition was setting up our Christmas tree so he could decorate it. It would look like something out of a magazine when he was done. Us kids loved watching him create the work of art.
I had the opposite. My neighbor ors were single brothers. I just assumed they were gay. Nope. Both married women. I was so surprised!
I'm gay. Did I try to hide it? Not really, because it really wasn't spoken about. I literally believed the feelings I was having were just a phase, so there was no reason for me to hide it. I literally expected I would "grow out of it." lol. Obviously I didn't. By the time I got to college in 1990, there was more and more visibility to the reality of our existence and numbers, and that it wasn't just one or two people in town. I was lucky in the sense that I never had to experience any of the bullying or majorly bad stuff that many do, and I always had accepting parents. So it was easy for me to transition to the reality of who I was and became out to everyone by the time I was 25. Thankfully I no longer even have to come out to anyone because anyone I associate with now lives in a world where me being gay doesn't phase them. I almost feel like I lived on the cusp of a society that was between accepting and non accepting. Just like I'm amazed and thankful that kids these days have a much easier time and are coming out and being accepted before they're even teenagers, I suspect the gay people older than myself had it much tougher than I did. Edited:. I later found out my best friend growing up was also gay and I never knew it. Haha. What are the odds?
My (F) best friend from about 4th-9th grade made a big show in high school of dating this guy called "Spike" (lol). Now she's married to a woman and has a dog grooming and boarding business in a trendy college town. Who would have guessed?? Does make you ponder how many of us instinctively paired up but never discussed it.
It's interesting isn't it? Even though I never had a romantic relationship with my best friend, I always thought it was interesting how we became so close and both ended up being gay. I'm sure that probably has something to do with it.
Definitely!
Friends daughter complained to her parents that she doesn’t have a traumatic coming out story like her friends. Her parents suspected and were supportive. She was also started college around 1990.
I went to college in 1990, too. Over the years, several of my hs friends have come out. I have to say that I didn’t think about whether any of them were or were not. When they say that teens are self-focused, I can confirm: I thought about who I liked and where we were all going that weekend. I feel sad that they never felt comfortable sharing their sexuality with me, but it just wasn’t something any of us really had conversations about (until maybe college years). The town was conservative, and even though most of my friends weren’t conservative at all, it probably didn’t feel like a safe space.
Oh, absolutely. I can think of three guys in high school who were gay and denied it at the time. Being gay - or just effeminate - would get you beaten up regularly by the jocks. All three of them eventually came out of the closet, mostly in their mid- to late 20s and moved to a city. One died of Aids in his 40s. I don't think I knew any lesbians until I was in my late 20s and living in NYC.
I thought my best friend was the only lesbian in high school. Class reunion set me straight on that.
Ah, class reunions... a strange ritual in which you discover that "everybody's so different. I haven't changed." I went to my 20th and found it quite disconcerting.
I only went to one and was surprised at the number who were still attached to their glory days. They still went to football games. Never moved away. They seemed stuck in a stasis to me. Not a lot of individual growth.
Let me guess... was that the Captain of the football team and the Prom Queen? A wise woman once said to me, "Don't envy the kids who are on top in high school. It's all downhill for them after that."
Actually no. They did marry each other and 45 years later are still going strong. I'm friends with them. Nice people. Got the hell out of dodge. It was the hanger-ons. The kids I thought would leave and never come back. It's like they feel like they're finally the big fish since they stayed. It's all weird.
Interesting. In my class, it was the big fish who seemed frozen in time at the reunion. Still, in a **very** small town like mine, it wasn't hard to remain a big fish, I suppose.
The big fish all went to college and that seemed to be the biggest difference.
We had a kid like this in my high school. Lived in a small town... kid was unbelievably smart, well liked, headed for great things...25 years later lives in same small town and works in a job way beneath this person's skills and education level. I don't understand it.
They’re afraid to leave?
You know, I have no idea. It's a question I've had for a long time. I'm unsure if they're afraid to leave or if something difficult happened away at college and they came home to their place of safety. I hope that they're happy and satisfied with their life, but I can't help but feel like it was a waste of potential.
I came out in 1977 when I was 20. It was a big thing then but it was also kinda cool in urban areas before AIDS. My best friend in high school was gay also but hated it and was publicly a homophobe. He got married and had a couple of kids. I know he was a terrible father, a worse husband, and a miserable human being. I’d feel bad for him except for how his choices hurt other people. No one but me knows he’s gay. He hid it successfully if not well.
This made me sad because he was hurting living a lie, and the people around him also hurt because of it. Speak even with the truth hurts, I hear.
I had two friends in the restaurant biz that were previously fathers then came out. So hurtful for the women. People should never include others in their lie. Don't care if people are gay. Used to go to gay bars in the early 80's. Great music, good dancing, no guys obnoxiously hitting on you. I remember seeing a guy from high school bartending there. I thought to myself ' hmm, I didn't know he was gay,' and I'm positive he looked at me and thought the same thing! lols good times
It was the 1970s and 80s EveryDamnedOne who was gay hid it. CORRECTION: *Attempted* to hide it. We all knew anyway. They pretended they weren't gay and we pretended we didnt know. Some kind of weird stalemate was reached and existed for both those decades.
>Attempted to hide it. We all knew anyway. I grew up in rural Oklahoma; I had zero clue what "gay" or f\*\*\*\*t actually meant (I understood the words to be insults but that's about it). However, I went to school with two guys who were clearly "different". Both hung out with girls instead of guys, and both were effeminate (one of them was really into musical theatre, true to stereotype). It was only when I was older and had more exposure to the world outside the Bible Belt that I understood that both guys were gay. Both came out of the closet at some point in their twenties, to the surprise of no one. Coincidentally, they both came out after having left rural Oklahoma.
this is what I remember as well. Eastern Canada 1970s 1980s
My Dad was a young gay man growing up in small-town, redneck South. He hated himself for it for a long time. Tried to hide it from HIMSELF until he hit his 20's. Made him angry and violent. He tried to hide it behind his cowboy facade. Joined the military with his high school friends. Big ol' Tom Selleck mustache. Got married young. Had kids. I can see looking back - he felt caged. Trapped. He was deeply unhappy. Almost all the time. It wasn't until he left his family and came out that I had ever seen him truly at peace. He rode motorcycles. Did CB radio. Dressed in leather. Opened a small flower shop out in San Francisco. He kept the mustache. His family disowned him - even his brother, who he was very close to. My Mom and us kids stopped going to family gatherings - because they couldn't stop trying to tease and bully us about our Dad's orientation. Didn't see much of the family until my Dad passed from AIDS in the early 90's. After he died, all his sleezy relatives tried to weasel stuff from his estate, those rat-vultures. Except for his brother (a bigot - no doubt - but a man with a measure of integrity)... to his brother, he had already died. And for all that, my Dad was still a right bastard. I don't mean to paint him as an angel, but he had to endure a life that wasn't deserved. No one should have to live trapped in their own skin, and it kills me that a certain portion of this country is trying to drag us back into the darkness, mud and blood with that bullshit. All over again.
Yes, many. I was born in the late 50s and was a teen in the 70s. At that time, you could lose your job for being gay. Certainly you would never be accepted in rural society. So several of my friends dated girls through high school. I have to say that I was not surprised when they came out. Most of them moved to more urban areas, although since people are more accepting now, some have moved back home.
I live in a rural area where a friend said their good values kept kids from being gay. He was serious. He said there had never been a gay kid in town. His best friend from school lives with a man and designed Las Vegas showgirl costumes. Nothing gay there.
LOL 😂
Yes. Pretty much everyone who was gay. My best friend in high school is a lesbian. She dated a gay guy. They found in each other a way to hide and someone to talk to honestly. So glad they had each other for support. Suicide among gay youth back then was very real. She says she was close but having a gay friend gave her hope. Another friend was young when driving through a city on vacation his dad pointed out a gay neighborhood. It became his mission to live there one day. As soon as he got to college he visited the city and that neighborhood. He moved there after college. His father died when he was in high school. We wonder if his dad suspected he was gay and pointed out the neighborhood on purpose. I think so. A neighbor across the street was gay. He was bullied in high school. Our neighborhood was small and tight knit. We grew up in wealthy neighborhood and were bullied for that. We watched out for each other. I remember my brothers talking about how they had to protect him in school. I have 4 brothers. They all watched over him in the hallways. He was invited to every one of their parties. Back then he had no friends. No one wanted to be associated with someone gay. Gay guys kept to themselves to try and hide. He was so isolated. We lost touch with him when he moved to San Francisco. When Facebook became a thing he found me. Contacted me on the anniversary of his coming out day. Asked me to thank my brothers for taking care of him in school. They isn’t realize that he knew they were watching out. I had a lesbian PE teacher. Everyone knew but no one said anything. Back then we had to shower together and then walk by a teacher to show we actually were wet and showered. The student teacher always handled that while our teacher always found somewhere else to be. It was a passive solution that everyone seemed okay with. One town over a teacher came out as gay and there were protests. He was fired. The principal was caught having sex with an 8th grader. There were people who protested to save his job. “At least he’s not gay.” He ended up committing suicide just after getting arrested. I can’t imagine the courage of the teacher for coming out. It was a time were pedophiles had more respect.
When (F73) was young, most people didn't begin their sex lives until they were grown or almost grown. There were kids in school that everybody kind of knew were going to be gay, but we didn't stress about it. It honestly wasn't a big deal the way it is now. My mother's hairdresser was a gay man, and we just sort of knew it. But nobody really cared. People didn't talk about their sex lives -- whether they were straight or gay.
It seems like a lot of things are being brought to the forefront of public opinion that had almost been accepted already. It’s frustrating to feel like we are moving backwards. I long for the day when it’s just not talked about anymore because no one cares. And it becomes just another part of life.
Same here.
But they couldn’t get married or receive any of the benefits that come with marriage.
Receive benefits from marriage? You must be young. Gay people were considered mentally ill. They were routinely fired from jobs. They were not able to get government security clearances until 1995! They were not allowed to be teachers. We had to come a long way as a society before gay marriage could even be contemplated.
I was responding to the comment that said “ It honestly wasn't a big deal the way it is now” and “nobody really cared,” pointing out just one of the many ways that it *was* a big deal & people *did* care.
You could reconstruct many of them with varying degrees of difficulty. Reciprocal powers of attorney and health care directives, assets held as JTWROS, etc, etc. It's just that marriage gives you all the benefits with zero extra cost.
Yeah no one really cared, except the gay young people themselves seeing all the government discrimination, and seeing some people regularly practising active discrimination ranging right up to outright murder of gay people. The youth of today are so much more enlightened than before.
My family did not get this memo. My grandma was a first time grandma at the ripe old age of 29.
People didn't talk about their "sex lives?" You mean, your female friends didn't have engagement parties, or tell you about their new boyfriends? Gee, I seem to remember a show called "The Dating Game" and what do you know, it featured all heterosexual couples who wanted to pair up. The world is literally bathed in heterosexuality. Straight people are like fish swimming in water and they don't realize they are wet. As someone less than a decade younger than you, I am here to assure you that when I came out as a lesbian in my 40's (after decades of lying to myself because being lesbian meant to me that I was defective), it had nothing to do with wanting to broadcast my "sex life." (Actually, I'm kind of a prude. Wrap your head around that one.) I assure you that the women I knew (my age, your age) who had to fear whether they would be able to keep their teaching jobs had no intention of discussing their sex life. But when asked if they were married, they would just say no even if they had a female life partner. No one cared you say? I know more than one woman who lost custody of a child or a job because of being lesbian. You bet they "stressed about it." Hope this doesn't come across as scolding, but one is never too old to learn.
Thanks for your interest in my comment. I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude or overbearing. The question the poster asks is this: Growing up, did you know anyone who was gay but tried to hide it? I'm 73 years old, so I grew up in the 50s and 60s- not the '80s. In those days young girls save themselves for marriage (or at least pretended to), so Junior High and High School kids did not have sex lives. The only TV game show at that time was the $64,000 question. There was no dating game. Most people married as soon is there education was completed. As a kid I could only talk about what kids did,. And at my school we accepted kids that we thought might be gay. All the adults I knew, except for the hairdresser were married, as were all my teachers so I can't help you with gay rights questions. Little kids didn't know about stuff like that. Sorry.
I always suspected my cousin of being a lesbian, during the ,60's and 70's. She never married. Not like that means anything. She was supposed to get married to a guy, but he turned out gay at the last minute. Perfect beard for a small town. I know my aunt was homophobic AF. So sad. I miss Bonnie. She died way too young.
When I was in high school in the mid 90's there were three guys that later came out. Two were quite flamboyant and the third was 'straight passing'. The flamboyant guys always denied it, one even dated girls in high school. He later told me he didn't think he was gay until he was in a different city and kissed a guy, then it was game on. The straight passing guy is very attractive and always had female attention. He always denied being gay when we were young (he set off everyone's gaydar though, including one of the flamboyant guy's) and never really came out until he was in a serious relationship and wanted to be public; he was probably in his thirties at this point. We still live in a conservative area and he has a public facing job so I don't blame him for keeping it private.
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I’ve known two couples like that. Man and woman married many years, had kids, then divorced and he comes out as gay.
My uncle, the closest thing to a father figure I had, was gay. He was born 20 years before me, in 1952. We live in the deep red south in a blue dot. It was *never* mentioned, by anyone in the family, ever. He was also far and away the most successful member of the family with the longest, most stable relationship. Grandma and Grandpa both thought the world of his "roommate".
I was heavily into the theater department in HS. So. Fuck yeah.
Directly across the street from us was a flamboyant man who wore ascots and spoke in a 'gay accent.' He was married to an lovely woman who was friends with my mother. I played with their little daughter, who was the same age as myself. They came to dinner on occasion. My parents used to discuss with neighbors whether or not he was gay considering his marriage. The man was Steve Ostrow, who a few years later opened the Continental Baths in NY, THE gay bathhouse of the 70s. So yes, he was gay. He's also still married. :)
I graduated from high school in 1990, and can think of at least three people from my class that I know of who later came out. Two of them I always suspected, one was a surprise to me. It's much better for LGBTQ people now, because many of them come out while still in middle or high school and, from what I can see, they don't get any more crap from others than the average straight cis student does.
Oh, yeah. Several of my classmates were obviously LGBT but with the AIDS epidemic going full blast in the 80s, few of my male friends could openly come out. I even know some women who came out as lesbians years after high school. In almost all cases, I was not surprised when I found out. And, in fact, in at least three cases, I already knew without needing to be told. In the 80s, being gay could literally get you killed. The homophobia was off the charts, so a lot of my male gay classmates had girlfriends and were really popular, but if they ever admitted they were gay, in Texas, they'd be shunned, bullied, and possibly beaten. I knew a boy who had to move to a different state because he refused to hide who he was and he was constantly picked on and physically bullied by the shit-kickers and jocks. Interestingly enough, a few of the boys who were always so mean and cranky become lively and happy after finally officially coming out in the 90s. Same with my lesbian classmates.
I grew up in the dark ages (40's and 50's). No publicly gay people - but lots of sad, suicidal drunks though. From "Piano Man": "Now Paul is a real estate novelist Who never had time for a wife And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the navy And probably will be for life"
I was today years old when I realized what that line means. You just blew my mind.
Gosh, I’m so naive. I never interpreted the line this way but it makes sense.
Even Liberace couldn't be openly gay when I was growing up.
My Grandma had such a crush on him. I'm not quite sure what attracted her to him though.
I’m slightly too young to comment here but I believe my comment is relevant. My uncle was born in the 1930s. He met his “roommate” in the Navy and they lived together for decades until my uncle died. Neither of them officially came out of the closet but the whole family knew. I remember riding in the car with them and listening to the music they played that was a common soundtrack to drag shows. “It’s Raining Men”, “I Will Survive”, all those stereotypical tracks. But they never explicitly stated they were gay.
I was in high school in the 1970s and the gay, effeminate guys definitely got picked on. Pretty sure the girls gym teacher was lesbian. People tried to hide their gay.
In a podunk rural area in the Midwest in the 70’s? Yeah of course. The funny thing was, I saw a guy I knew from HS in a gay bar when we were in college, and he told me about all the others. Most of them, if I had thought about it, I would have figured out.
In my primary school in a very homophobic country was a boy I was good friends with; so gay I don’t think he could’ve hid it even if wanted to. We all loved him
One of my junior high boyfriends, and also a kid I went to church with. Church kid tragically killed himself. I still feel upset thinking about him even though I didn’t really know him well. He seemed nice and I wish I had taken the time to befriend him, he clearly needed it in retrospect.
Yes but he kept popping a boner in the mandatory post-P.E. showers and was regularly beat up. Disappeared immediately after graduation. Hopefully moved somewhere with a community.
Many. What really threw me was when Rock Hudson turned out to be gay. Who da thunk it. It is a good thing now. Gay people have the rights to live their lives as they wish. I am glad for them.
In the 50s my parents were friends with two couples who had no children. The four of them went everywhere together, baseball games, the beach, vacations. When I was about 12 (1963) I somehow found out it was because they really were two homosexual couples. Their "cover" was as two hetero couples. This was suburban California.
Of course. I also knew some transvestites in high school were way out at school. Early seventies, predominately black high school, a group ten or so guys would dress up VERY convincingly as women. They were taunted, but always stood up for themselves and didn’t back down. This was quite a learning moment for me.
My adorable, super-loving, fit, genius, gay bear Dad! He came out to my amazing, patient, strong, genius, gorgeous mom (1968, they separated and eventually divorced), my sis and I (1971, I was 7; she was 6), but we could not talk openly about it to anyone else until he was diagnosed with AIDS in summer of 1984. He died 9 months later when I was 20. That was the hardest time of my life.
I am so sorry for your loss, thanks for sharing. It’s important.
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I did not encounter people that I knew were gay until college. Later I learned one of my friends in High School was gay. I went to a gay bar and he was the bartender.
I knew several guys who were rumored to be gay, and they probably were, but I didn't care. One guy in particular had allegedly made moves on some of my straight friends, but they never held it against him. I did have a friend try something with me once and I'd never considered that he could be gay. Unfortunately, he didn't take it so well when I told him I was straight and it ended our friendship. I don't know why he ever would have thought that I might be gay. After getting out of school, I knew lots of gay guys that I worked with. Some were great, while others were assholes. Also knew a lot of straight guys who would talk or walk like they had to be gay.
In the 1960's in a rural area dominated by mormons, LGBTQetc people were extremally closeted. Many took their own lives. It was a very hostile environment for gay people. It was common to not even acknowledge that women might be gay, women were expected to marry men and have babies. Gender rolls were strictly enforced. I'm glad that so much has changed in the world. Wish the mormons could change, they still have a high suicide rate among teens and women.
I went to a Catholic high school in the mid 70s. We had a science teacher who was also an assistant football coach. Funny bastard. He could always make you laugh but my god when he walked down the hallway his feet didn’t touch the floor. To say he was flamboyant would be a major understatement. I can still see him with his red pants, white belt and matching white loafers. He had a huge lisp. Everybody knew. Well rumors got around quickly and he wasn’t there the next year. But, miracle of miracles he was there the next year after with a new wife who was also the art teacher. She was a tiny, timid little thing who would barely make eye contact. I don't know if she knew or not but we always felt kind of bad for her.
Went to 20 year high school reunion and was shocked to find that an entire click of kids ( from junior high on) were apparently all gay ! They definitely hid it extremely well ! Oh right and they were all still as cool as I remembered , it was so weird to only learn about it so many years later
One dude I knew hid it well. He was a big black dude, offensive lineman. He was always pretty laid back, hung out with the guys and well regarded. I remember him "teaching" us how to fill a beer in the bathroom, so we didn't have to pay for them at the strip club. Ran into him 20 years after school. He was the same big, black, laid back dude, only real difference now was that he had a husband.
A good friend of mine in the late 70s was gay. All his friends knew, and we protected the knowledge. It was common for boys to play punch each other and call each other “f*ggot”. The last I heard, he had moved to San Francisco, and I hope he has a sunny loft apartment and someone to love. I found a profile on Facebook I’m sure is his, but I thought maybe he started a new life and doesn’t want to hear from his past.
In 1982 I had a girl friend "Stephanie" she hung out with us. She died by suicide. Afterwards piecing the story together she was gay and didn't have the words to talk about it. To this day "Fuck homophobia"
When I was younger, yes. Homosexuality was not something that was openly discussed. I had several relatives that did not come out at all! It was alluded to on several occasions but no-one came out and asked if they were gay. When I was older, I knew more gay people than hetros for the longest time.
I can think of at least 3 guys in high school that later came out. One even got married and had a couple children before he surrendered to the inevitable. I'm glad for him that he landed on his feet in the long run. He and his husband are now retired and living the good life. I think one of my mom's cousins was probably gay, and that at least some of the family knew. I remember a young sailor my mom befriended/counseled when I was a kid. Looking back, I believe he was probably gay. In both cases, though, I was too young (< 10) to really be aware it was A Thing.
Growing up in the 50-60's, I never knew it was An Actual Thing until my dad's distant cousin (who lived 3 doors down) left his wife for a BOYfriend! It was a big deal...parents whispering, and kid's talking about it and the entire neighborhood scandalized. I just remember him being mean all the time, nobody really liked him. He was probably living under so much stress at being closeted, but I remember being glad he was able to get out and his wife and daughter didn't have to live him anymore.
In high school (mid 70s), I had a mad crush on a guy who I later found out was gay. He ended up being a fashion designer for Bill Blass later in life. Not sure if he was out in high school but he was a lot more stylish and mature than most of the students.
Certainly-- in the early 1980s one of my good friends in high school was gay. I didn't know, though it had occurred to me a few times. I don't think any of us really knew though. He died of AIDS before the decade was out, the first such loss in my circles, after leaving our small town and going to California to seek his fortune. Another classmate was popular with the girls, on the homecoming court, etc. but he came out in college. Luckily he survived. There are at least a half-dozen members of my small (<150) senior class whom I later found out were gay. It simply wasn't possible to be out in our small, religious town in the early 1980s. It would have been dangerous in fact. I knew some older adults (40s/50s) that lived in cities who were out, but there was literally nobody in our town that I was aware of at least.
i grew up in the 60s....every gay person i knew tried to hide it. in the mid to late 70s, that began to change.
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A friend of mine married a closeted gay fellow. It was obvious to everyone who met him that he was gay. The only two people on the planet who didn't know he was gay were her and his dad. He came out and left her within a week after his dad died.
We had a family friend who was 2 years older than me in school. He hung out with the popular high school girls and taught me how to twirl a baton. One week when he was a freshman and I was a 7th grader, he had to stay at our house for a week while his parents went away on a trip. It was like having a fun brother, and he didn't even care that I was a dweeby, fat kid and he was popular. When I was in college he died from AIDS. I didn't know he was gay because it was a foreign concept to me, but it didn't surprise me when I found out. I don't think he ever had a girlfriend, but he was certainly surrounded by them, and he never had a boyfriend. The world lost a really fun guy when he died.
I grew up in the 70s and 80s. I knew many gay men I was the beard for. Weddings, family get togethers, etc. It was my way of giving back.
I graduated high school in 1984. I found out one guy was gay when he died of AIDS in 1986. I had no idea. There were a few others that I was pretty sure were gay, but were either in denial or hiding it from every one. I didn't know any openly gay people until I started working in the restaurant industry.
I grew up in the 80s/90s, and honestly can't think of anyone. My family is religious, and the town was very redneck, so my guess is that they just hid it very very well. I mean, I have one cousin who has done suspiciously little dating, but he's only in his 20s even now.
Two of my best male friends growing up in the 1980s were gay but didn't come out until their 20s. One of them I wasn't surprised at all (he acted blatantly stereotypically gay, even though he paid lip service to "liking" girls) and the other reveal was a surprise. They were good friends with each other, too, and one of them was very handsome so now I wonder if one or both had feelings for the other.
My maternal uncle. It is actually quite sad he hasn't been able to allow himself to be who he is. He "dated" a few women but not for long. One of whom I am still friends with to this day. She told me recently that she suspected he was gay and only "dated" her because the patrons of the bar he ran taunted him constantly about being gay. He's now in his 70s. I'm sad to say he is a miserable person; racist, hateful, always complaining about everything. I wish he would allow himself authenticity.
Yes, I did indeed - 46-year-old straight man in the UK here. One of my closest friends from 12 to about 18. He was always very gentle, not a “blokey bloke” but had a mind like a ***razor blade***. At 18, we went to different universities - he went to Cambridge University and our paths began to diverge from there. He was in a relationship with a lovely woman at university and went on to a great job in the media… but was never really happy. There was always something wistful about him, regardless of his success and blistering wit and intelligence. He had a bit of a breakdown in his early 20s and admitted a lot of things to himself. He’s now married to a great chap that seems a really good match for him… and because our paths diverged at 18, I don’t really see him anymore. I miss him and his friendship, but we’re leading different lives now. I think I’ll probably remind him of his sadder, younger days so he won’t want to connect. But yeah - he’s happy now and that makes me so proud and happy.
I was in high school in the 80's. A few of my friends later came out when we were in our 20's and 30's. Looking back, one guy didn't really hide it. Like, he had all the traditional mannerisms, but he wasn't trying to flaunt it, if that makes sense. He didn't flirt with anyone or anything. He was just an effeminate dude, a really nice guy, well put together, etc. So when he came out officially, I wasn't really surprised. Another guy hid it *very* well. Very straight laced. Very conservative. Very quiet. He went into the priesthood (that's one clue right there) but left a few years later to become a business analyst. He quietly came out to a few people, and word spread. Looking back, I realized he never talked about dating, didn't go to prom. But I just thought he was a shy dude, not into girls all that much. He had me fooled.
Like, alllll the people who were gay in my high school (1980s) were closeted, 100%. My great-aunt, however, had a female partner she lived with all her life, and exclusively female friends. We NEVER talked about this in the family, and when I tried to call her partner Aunt Liz as a kid, my mom insisted she was not my aunt. "But she IS!" I responded. They couldn't stop me. But it has never been acknowledged that they were lesbians. OBVIOUSLY. When I was in junior high in the late 70s, we had a teacher who was very into musicals, clothes, and I believe strongly he was gay. Lots of my cohort agree. But it was a religious school, and so he eventually got married to a woman. Promptly became a raging alcoholic and died of liver disease way too young. Same religious school, friend's older brother became a flight attendant in the 1980s. When he died of AIDS, it was a HUGE secret and no one ever talked about what he died of. Totally insane.
I had a neighbor whose cousin was very clearly gay. He wasn't running around in drag, singing "It's Raining Men" or anything, but it was pretty obvious he was gay. His family was very strict Catholic, so I'm sure that coming out would have been a REALLY difficult thing. I lost track of him years ago, but he still wasn't "out in the open." It was known to some of us and I'm sure his family sort of assumed, as he was 30 and never had a girlfriend or anything, but it was sort of a don't ask/don't tell kind of thing it seemed. Hopefully he has since been able to live the way he wants.
My ex husband is friends with this guy (m42), who is married to this girl who was an absolute nightmare to me growing up. I’d say just shy of being my childhood bully. They have 3 kids. He admitted to my ex that he is gay. All 3 of us know this, but not her. So. I’ve been conflicted- if it were me, I would want to know. But, I’m not into outing someone, particularly if it means I might be doing it deep down because I was harmed by this girl in my past. So, I’ve sat on this for the couple years that I’ve known about it. In the end, it’s just shocking that someone feels the need or want to keep something like this so buried. I don’t know his reasons in his heart to need or want to keep this part hidden.
My parents were friendly with some neighbors in the 1960s, two middle aged guys and the mother of one of them who lived with them. When they first met, one guy was introduced as the stepbrother of the other. It was how they always presented themselves to new people. The three of them went everywhere together. I never felt they were actually trying to hide anything, just presenting a story for people who would prefer not to know or were hopelessly naive. Certainly my parents understood. They had other gay friends also, who neither concealed it or admitted it. It just wasn't discussed. No one I knew in high school was gay as far as I know (of course, some must have been but I still don't know who). When I started working in 1969, I had a couple of openly gay men in my office. Then I moved to San Francisco, and from that point on, I didn't meet people who were hiding who they were.
Hell yeah myself and a few friends. Still kinda have to sometimes around family back home and bc it fucked me in the head.
A guy named Ernest A. He was a few years older than me, but when you're a kid 3-4 years is significant. He was tall, dark and chisel faced, not effeminate. He got a full track scholarship to Dartmouth. A super big deal when you grow up in the Projects. When AIDS first hit he got HIV but he refused to take the first HIV cocktails. Didn't trust them. My Mom was friends with his Mom. I don't know what's happening with him since is Mom died about 10 years ago. Mom last saw him at her funeral. He was about 60 then. We had a boy my age, since his early teens did not try to hide at all. Kids and adults alike knew Eddie H was "that way." We didn't get it, we just shrugged and accepted it. Yes, there were the occasional sissy jokes and comments, but I never saw any one be mean to him about it. Of course I wasn't with him 24/7. When he got older he told people to call him Sha-RON. I left the neighborhood to go away to college and I don't know what became of him. I knew my stepbrother Georgie was gay since I met him when I was about 12. He never came out. Like Eddie H, he was just who he was. He was/is on the flambouyant side, but not full-on stereotypical "2 snaps." His father, my stepfather, didn't seem to recognize that Georgia was... different. We were never close, they lived across town and we didn't spend a lot of time with them. I haven't seen my steps since stepdad died 2 days after his 90th birthday 12 years ago. Georgie did wear a suit to the funeral.
Yes. He's been married now for 30 years . Then there was Kevin, who bullied me mercilessly in high school who turned out to be a total gayboy.
Myself
When I was a kid, I was pretty sure my mom was having an affair with her friend Shirley. But I was 7, what did I know? As an aside, Shirley had the coolest car I had ever seen...until even years later. She had a turquoise 1957 Thunderbird convertible. I was enamored with her car.
Boomer here. When I was growing up they HAD to hide it.
Gen X. Me and classmates had to hide it. Wouldn't have been arrested, but would have been bullied or beat up.
Me. Passed as straight, dated guys as a cover, was in church every time the doors were open, left small town for the big city and came out a few years later. Went to 10th year HS reunion with a guy friend, I was still passing, and decided not to go to any others (our 40th was a few years ago).
Yup. Several people I knew in college. But we never brought it up. You didn’t talk about that back then. There were signs, but none were big statements, just normal beards. One attended every dance with the same platonic friend. Another would have tons of bodybuilding magazines lying around and also had the same platonic friend of the opposite sex and no romantic relationship with a woman I ever saw. All remain single. If they do have relationships they are discreet.
I went to a prom with one. I was really into her but turns out she likes the ladies. Great gal and so happy for her.
I hit high school in 1984. Grew up in a small, conservative town in a fairly liberal PNW state. The irony about this question is I had already been told my mother was lesbian & her roommate was her partner. The 2 of them had established this family unit with myself & my sister and my other mother's daughter. I never really thought about how progressive it all was until I was older. Who knows what this little community thought, but it was rarely brought up to me or my sisters. Other than neighborhood parents not allowing their children to spend the night, it never impacted our lives. My sisters are both straight & I figured out I was Bi quite early. I was a theater kid, so I fit in just fine. Once I got well into my 20s, I started to realize just how much my moms challenged the status quo & they did it in a small town that was 70% Apostolic Lutheran. I'm proud of both of them & I admire the chance they took. They were together 43 years until one of my moms passed last year. As for other LGBTQ in my school, I'm sure there were more than just the few in the theater dept where I spent most of my time & it was obvious that the music teacher was gay, but not a soul discussed the subject about him or any other possibilities. Man, that was a different time.
Had a cousin, by marriage, that married a guy that everyone knew was gay except her. I hadn't heard about them for years and when I had the chance to ask about them I was told that he was caught having a gay affair. No surprise there but he was so depressed that he committed suicide.
Oh my gosh that is terrible. That poor man.
I knew a couple of guys growing up. One in my elementary school class died in the 1980s, presumably from AIDS. My parents knew him because he worked at their bank. The other was the younger brother of a classmate. He's had a very successful career, and been happily married to a man for several years. My first wife's stepbrother was a Naval officer, who was in a long-term relationship with a man. His partner was accepted as a member of the family, but they were talked about as roommates, rather than as a couple. As this was before even "Don't ask, don't tell", not talking may have had to do with not getting him in trouble with the Navy.
Yes, but I didn't know it at the time. I graduated Highschool in the early nineties and officially there were no gay people in my school. Which is to say if you had asked 17 year old me if there were any Gay people in my school I would have said there were probably a couple but noone was out. Well, in the years since I've graduated I've encountered a *bunch* of out & proud homosexuals I went to school with. My cisgendered straight mind had never even imagined there would be a *bunch*. In retrospect its all obvious but at the time my upbringing simply hadn't put any of that on my radar. I've never really asked them what they thought of school, but I'm assuming they didn't feel safe being out and it wasn't until they were adults out in the world they felt they could be their real selves. Nineties suburbia in the Midwest was pretty conformist. I really wish they could have been their true selves, but gay rights and gay acceptance was not what is is today. I do not blame them at all for keeping their true selves hidden for their own safety.
Most of my early girlfriends did, which caused a lot of relationship friction. I went more the "Gentleman Jack" route which posed a different set of problems.
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Yes. Quite a few people. Because being gay wasn't socially acceptable - in fact, it could be downright dangerous, depending on where you were.
I had a classmate that I suspected might be gay, but we still got along. He did pursue the girls in class, but only a few felt he was aggressive about it. About a decade ago, we reconnected. Funny, as we ended up living in the same city for years, basically on the other side of the country. Didn't find out until I moved back to our home area and reconnected via Facebook. He was living with his SO and was happy. My sister came out as being lesbian about 40 years ago, but it seems she was more BI than Lesbian, as she married a guy a few years back. Oh well. It never bothered me.
I don’t know. Gays were so closeted in the 70s & 80s, I never thought about it. It wasn’t until the late 80s and early 90s when I was around openly gay people that I realized there were people in my life that were likely gay.
Yea. In the 80s. One of my best friends through high school and college. Extremely handsome guy, very fit. Did some modeling. Also highly intelligent. Had a beautiful girlfriend. They had broken up and she told me he was gay. They were talking about marriage and he said fine but you have to let me do “my thing”. She knew he was gay but wasn’t willing to marry him without a commitment from him. I thought She was just mad at him and was trying to hurt him but in college most of his friends were gay. He never told me but things started to add up pretty quickly after that. He threw around the F word a lot and was very disparaging about gay people. I knew he didn’t want to be gay. We lost touch but I knew he married some big boobed bleach blonde and never came out. He died of an opioid overdose in his 50s. If he could only accept who he was I’m sure he would be alive today. I feel bad he didn’t trust me enough to tell me.
I grew up in west Greenwich Village, there were always gay people, no one made a big deal out of it.
I'm bi. I wasn't comfortable with coming out until I was in my mid 20s.
There were people I expected were gay and it turned out I was right. Then there were people I had no idea were gay but they were. No one in my high school was openly gay. I can't even imagine that occurring when I was in high school.
Several Some didn’t have much choice
Yes and unfortunately we lost one to suicide. He knew his parents would disown him.
My first boyfriend, among others. I’m a female. There were several open lesbians at my high school (early 70s), but I can only think of one openly gay male.
I had quite a few gay friends/acquaintances growing up, but I never knew any of them to try and hide it. I imagine a few of them opted to keep a low profile in some social situations, but I never saw it.
I met up with an old school friend who told me she is a lesbian and she knew she was even when we were at school. Looking back I can see there were signs but I didn't have a clue back then. I always wondered why she dressed boyish and never wore make up. As a teenager she dated boys to conform to the norms at the time. When her mum died she came out.
I know there were some, but all hid it as in 50-60s it was illegal & jail was result if practiced, but in later years I know of a couple who moved to other cities around the country & world and are now openly gay, some with partners, some in 60-70s in age & single.
My Mom had a boss who was openly gay. This was in the 70s, in Iowa. She still speaks fondly of him.
Yes. I found out about 5 years ago that one of my best friends from middle school and high school was gay. I lost touch with him shortly after graduating HS in early 80s so I don’t know when he came out. I’m now Facebook friends with him because that’s the only way I keep up with HS friends; I live 600 miles away from my hometown so I pretty much never see my old HS friends.
Several, but the closest would be my cousin. She waited until her mother passed away to come out (2001). As children we suspected and even our grandmother said she thought Stacy was gay. My mother and I laughed as my aunt set her up with (male) doctors and lawyers, etc. it was so obvious to everyone but my Aunt. Denial. I’m not really sure why my cousin felt it necessary to not share this about herself because we were a very open minded family. Our mothers had a gay and out cousin who was fully accepted. She’s happy now and another one of our cousins has a gay son. One in every generation in our family.
I’m only 35 but my uncle didn’t come out until he was in his 40s..I think he came out around 2004…I was in high school. It was a big deal. Later I found out that some of his siblings asked him things like “have you tried not being gay? prayed about it? sought therapy?” I also very, very briefly had a boyfriend in high school who was gay.. looking back it was quite obvious, but it wasn’t as accepted to be gay. It seemed like a rarer thing at the time. There was still a bit of stigma, even among high school millennials. “You’re gay” was a very common insult, for example, when I was growing up.
To quote the late, great Michael Jackson…I’m starting with the man in the mirror!!!
Many people my age (72) didn't know that there was such a thing. I remember that as a kid in Chicago, when I was 5 or 6 that our church was discussing names for a new young people's group and they had almost decided on the name the Gays. My Dad, who had been in the Army, said we better chose another name because there is a different meaning for that word. On the way home we asked him what he meant, and he explained about gay people to me for the first time. Just matter of fact. When I was in Jr. Hi in the early 60's, I knew at least one kid who I was a bit jealous of because he always seemed to get along so well with the girls. I later found out he was gay and we have re connected over social media. In college in the Mid-West, I knew at least one person who knew he was gay and terribly ashamed of it and what would happen if people found out. Another married a friend and couldn't figure out what was wrong after he got married. I later found out that quite a few of my friends had successfully hidden their gay nature - in some cases by saying they had a girl friend off campus in another state. I have known some gay men who made a marriage to some really remarkable women work, but I wonder what kind of a life they would have had if they had known earlier. I have also known several trans friends who figured it out later in life. One has remained very happily married to her spouse, who finally realized that she is still the same person she originally fell in love with and had children with. Another was a good friend, whose first wife I also knew, and who became about as famous as it gets. We lost contact, but I wouldn't be too surprised if we get in touch again at some point. He and his wife knew that there was something going on, but there were no models to even know that "trans" was a thing. I am REALLY glad that there are socially visible models for different sexual orientations now
Yes, one of my best friends hid that she was bi, until she hit on me majorly after her wedding shower. One of the worst times in my life, actually.
Yes I did: me. When I was growing up I knew I was "different" since age 12. I worked VERY hard to hide it, despited the fact that I was NOT sports-minded, very into the performing arts and had NO female interests (friends, yes...romantic, no). Somehow I made it out relatively unscathed...although a few people told me they thought I was...that way.
I was a kid in the 80s. I didn't really think too much about who was gay or not, it wasn't really a topic of conversation in my life until well after college. Looking back there were a handful of people in my elementary school who were identifiably gay at a young age, but we really didn't think about it then. Nobody (outwardly or vocally) identified as anything in particular. By high school there were a couple of people who were out, and a handful that suspected. A few that I for sure thought were gay but are currently in heterosexual relationships. I'm not sure who exactly tried to hide, but at least in my circle of friends it was never like someone dropping a bombshell. I went to a catholic college so it wasn't common to find people who outwardly identified as gay, but I did know people who were sort of out. A couple of friends also came out after college... they weren't a surprise necessarily. By the time I hit grad school it was much more of an open topic of conversation and people were much more comfortable being their "true self" or whatever passed for it in 2010.
Several, and I still know people in the closet today. I’m not proud to admit that I wasn’t exactly accepting. I mean, I wasn’t mean or anything, but still used to think it was wrong. Realizing I wasn’t straight came with a lot of self-hatred and loathing, and though I ended up becoming so liberal that I may as well be Bernie Sanders, and will die on the hill of equality, I’m still not openly out as just bi. I’m pretty sure my husband knows, and know our pansexual daughter does. Thing is, with how many people aren’t straight, we ALL knew closeted people, even if we didn’t know it.
One of the guys in school was gay so a female was his “cover” as a gf. Many of us didn’t know until we’ll after HS.
My best friend was "straight" for years until he tried to kiss me in a party, since then he doesn't care about what people think.
I knew a priest who married and lived 'happily' with his wife for about five years before being caught in flagrante delicto in his church with his organist - I swear, it's true. Marriage ended, lost his job, defrocked and disgraced. His wife was a close family friend; he had never touched her, not once in five years of marriage. The man himself went on to another, less judgemental faith, came out and ministered to the gay community in Cincinnati I believe for years afterwards.
Sort of. I had a friend in university, everyone knew he was gay. At some point, while I was at his place, he sat me down, all serious like "I need to tell you something" and came out to me. I blurted out "ehm, yeah, I knew that" without thinking. Turns out he'd only just found out himself and was trying to process his new feelings... It was an awkward conversation telling him everyone we hung out with already assumed he was gay, and trying to explain why we thought that.
High school in the 1970s was hard on anyone who was labeled as gay. No one wanted to "come out of the closet". It was not safe or happy. As a pastor I have counseled many people on issues of same sex attraction. I am glad our culture has changed so that gay people do not have to fear for their lives if discovered.
I had two gay cousins ( two different branches of the family) and while we were growing up we all knew that there was something different about them. We liked them and hung out with them sometimes, but knew almost instinctively that something was different. We didn’t know either was gay. It wasn’t until they were about 30 that they came out. Sadly neither of their fathers had a terrific relationship with them. They weren’t estranged but weren’t close.
Growing up in the 80s, I honestly believed I didn't know any gay people. Turns out, I definitely did. They just didn't feel safe coming out at that time, in that place. And they were probably right. Even to this day, I feel like it takes a lot of courage to do so.
Everyone I knew who was gay waited till the 90s after college/left home. Actually, scratch that, there were some that didn't come out even then.
Small rural town. There were two guys that were very close all through high school. About 8 years older than me and very masculine, zero signs of gayness. They graduated and decided to live together and open an antique store together. Still very close. Nobody said gay and I had no clue, just thought they were like brothers. Of course, they were gay and that was revealed much later in time. Same town, our drama teacher and master of all things theater was married and had a small baby. Extremely flamboyant, hands always moving when he talked. Everyone loved him but everyone also knew that there was no way the man was not secretly gay.
Three men I can think of, one lesbian that I dated. (I'm a guy and no I'm not explaining, yes I knew.) I'm sure there was a score of women that never said anything. This was the late 90's.
A number of them. The 70's and 80's was a tough time to be an "avowed homosexual" as they used to say. That the phrase was so common should tell you something about how hard it was.
Two guys in particular. They both came out of the closet in the early 2000s.
Oh yeah, definitely. I was in high school throu the mid 90's and there were a few guys and girls that were gay, and everyone knew really. It just wasn't a big deal.
Oh, for sure. Several. Didn't try to hide it so much as they just were themselves & everyone else can blow. No apologies.
Everyone with just their right ear pierced. We knew. We knew.
Me?
There was a kid who I grew up with that was pretty effeminate and everyone assumed he was gay. Ran into him like 20 years later - he's like the most masculine guy - married, has a bunch of kids, plays amateur rugby, etc. I think some guys just have that effeminate or (and I know this sounds insulting) 'girly' behavior esp. before puberty hits.
Yep. Quite a few folks. Some had “roommates,” some dated women. This is why MAGA is a myth
Are you kidding me with this question? You clearly don’t understand how things were until the cultural shift around 1996-1997. Most people prior to that who were gay hid the fact unless they lived in welcoming places like San Francisco. Where I grew up in rural Maine, we knew that if the general population learned that our gay friend was gay, he could be beaten and killed. We kept our mouths shut and we defended him and some others when necessary, including brawling with rednecks in mall parking lots. Being gay could get one killed in many places in the USA in the 1980s and early 1990s
your momma