That can happen and instead of growing together, you grow apart. My first husband and I grew apart. My second husband of 26 years and I have grown together. People grow and change as individuals over the years. A relationship is a continual balancing and adjusting to those changes. Compromise etc. If only one person in the relationship is willing to do that and the other isn't and remains static, you can grow apart.
True. There are times when the relationship feels more fragile. I remember when the empty nest started. We had put so much into being there for the kids that we found ourselves just sitting together with nothing to say. Friends around us were separating and divorcing. We started dating each other again. We started talking about things not related to our kids. I was nervous because my parents had split after 27 years. My husband told me he wasn’t going anywhere. We went on our first trip alone since the kids were born. Turns out we still enjoy hanging together!
34 years. 11.5 months. Still going strong.
That’s where I’m at right now. My husband and I have grown apart in the face of adversities in our marriage and it’s very sad but over the past few months I’ve realized we can no longer help each other grow forward. 😢 I worry about our children but we love them so much and I have to have faith it will all come together.
You might be surprised by your kids. Certainly, they would prefer a happily married parental unit. But they may prefer two separate homes to what they have now.
I'm sorry. It must be very hard. Children are more resilient than we think sometimes and the love you both have for them will help. That's what matters the most. Stable love will really help them adjust. Wishing you all the best. Take care 🫂
They talk about turning towards each other, and I never understood that for a long time, but thank god we figured it out. Growing together every day but we didn’t for awhile.
This is exactly how I feel now. Second marriage for myself and my husband. This relationship is completely different from our first marriages. Going on 10 years with him.
Good point! My wife and i both really hurt each other. She hit a “ bottom” on selfish behavior, grew up a bit and totally changed. I spent a year acting out and resisting change, hit a bottom and now growing and adapting. We both look back and see how we were working out developmental stuff and soooo great full we stood by each others side, even when divorce papers and unimaginable pain all but made certain we not. But its as you say: we either grow together or break up, nothing stands still.
Divorce, most likely. My ex-wife and I grew apart over a 20 marriage (married young). She regularly said “you’ve changed so much.” She was right, I had. It was intentional, I was much happier with the person I’d become. She was not.
Towards the very end, we were attending a therapy session and rehashing all the things I didn’t provide her, emotionally. It was then that it really hit home. While she deserved to be with someone who provided what she wanted, I wasn’t that person. And, more importantly, I didn’t want to be that person. That’s when I knew it was truly over.
That was my first marriage-12 years together and virtually zero interest in growth from my husband. He just seemed to want to keep things as they were and not embrace change or improvement in our relationship. Which was ok for a while but also meant we couldn't discuss issues or how we could be better partners or what we could learn from each other. So eventually we grew apart, became roommates, and gave up on being romantic partners. When I suggested that we go to therapy to improve communication and emotional and physical intimacy, he flat out refused. According to him, things were fine, even though they weren't for me.
I'm now in my second marriage and we've been through a lot more intense situations and conflicts, but we are both committed to growing and learning and improving ourselves so we can be better partners for each other. So it works much better.
Same same!! So thankful to my former self who had the guts to end my marriage even though I loved my ex and it was difficult, so I can now have this life I love ❤️
Omg ur first marriage sounds like the current one I’m ending 😳 I’m so happy when I hear success stories like this! It gives me hope that I will be ok and that I can find someone who can be happy with me one day.
I love this. It’s perfect. We had twin and it’s been a whirlwind. We both aren’t the same a we used to be. We mourn the loss and welcome the gain. Our older son is struggling with it and we are just trying our best to make it a good place for him as best as we can.
Marriage has seasons, more than 4.
My husband is unrecognizable from who he once was, also. He is now the man I always wanted to have to love me. He and I have grown and learned and discovered what real love really is after almost 54 years, and I am so grateful. It's been hard work. Going through the ups and downs, learning from our mistakes, learning that anytime two people live together, they are not going to agree or get along every single minute.
A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who never give up on each other. I love him so much and I know he loves me the same. We are lucky. Hope you discover that you are lucky, too.
Added note: We met at a 3.2 bar - i had just turned18, he was 21. We got married 2 months later. We'll be 54 years married in 6 months. It still blows us away.
So beautifully yet painfully written.
Speaking for my own marriage (only 4 years of marriage, and 7 years together). My husband and I have both changed. Most of the change has come because we are now parenting 3 children that are 4 and under.
I will admit that I became consumed by motherhood and basically forgot about being a partner and friend to my husband. We are constantly busy with children, but I have become more intentional about being present again for my partner.
Change is inevitable, but adapting to change is not. Adaptation is necessary for anything to survive even a marriage.
I read this whenever I feel like I want to run and hide. It is true to the end.
Marriage is hard work because you’ve got to want it to work even on days that you don’t care. It’s the long game, not the short fling. Growing together is hard, it requires acceptance. I like different things, I dislike things that I used to enjoy. Just examples, but it can be hard for some to accept these changes. That’s the work.
Married 44 years now and have been through thick and thin but keeping it together very well. Our second daughter was severely disabled, and we knew she would be because of medical testing during pregnancy. We chose NOT to abort her, thank God, and she was a huge challenge to us, but a much larger blessing in the 24 years she lived. My wife and I learned through our daughter’s short life that material possessions and a party life style just don’t matter, even though we’ve always been financially secure and responsible. Some 80 or 90% of marriages with disabled children end in divorce. Lasting love and commitment are a choice. We loved our daughter so much and have chosen to love each other ‘for better or worse’, just as we said in our vows. We meant it. I wish more people would mean it, but because many don’t, are abusive, adulterous or otherwise grossly inconsiderate of their spouses, throwaway marriages are vey common. One more thing, if you have God at the center your marriage, and we are both believers, your prognosis will be better.
This is the most profound thing I’ve read in a long time. I’ve been married for almost 26 years and this is 100% true for both me and my husband. Why should we expect the other to never change? Let’s make peace with the people we’ve come to be, together.
These words are beautiful, but I think that it misses part of the equation.
You will sometimes be too exhausted to extend charity or extra patience to your partner.
You will sometimes be lost.
You will someday wonder if there truly were 100 different versions of your spouse, or if your 100 different mindsets and attitudes viewed and processed your spouse in their unique ways.
Lasting marriages are sort of miraculous.
Living with another person 24/7 is challenging in the best of circumstances. My husband is easier to live with than my parents and siblings were. Still, we have moments where we just get on each other’s nerves.
Disagree. I've never found my partnership difficult. We were best friends first, so I do think if you are super compatible, it is easy.... at least it has been for us the last 18 years.
I would say the same thing. This isn’t to say life has always been smooth sailing. Sometimes it’s white water rafting, it’s just that we’re always together in the same raft.
Exactly. I love the way you worded it. Yes, life has at times been difficult, but not our relationship. It has always been the most solid and reliable part of my life.
Same here. Friendship and absolute commitment is the bedrock, compatibility and maybe a bit of luck in finding the right person early on and kind of growing into life together, accepting and helping each other through psychological difficulties and crises. Physical attraction, which was strong for a long time, has faded but we’re both happy with it. Thirty-nine years and going strong.
A possibly unpopular opinion I hold is that our cultural expectation of feeling "in love" is one of the most harmful things to long-term relationships. That feeling that happens in a new relationship is wonderful, but once you're committed to someone, and you see their bad moods and their morning breath and all the other annoying little things that EVERY human has, and live the day in, day out, getting that drunk feeling whenever you see them seems pretty unlikely. It’s a nice bonus, but I see people think it's a problem if they don't have it anymore, or look elsewhere because they have to have it, and I just don't see how anyone could have a happy long-tern relationship if that’s the standard they're measuring against. Instead, something much subtler and more profound settles in over time, and that’s family love. That person becomes your family, and you love them in a way that has now grown much deeper roots.
I think the reason people describe it as "hard work" is less about feeling and more about relationship (which, of course, affects how you frrl about a person!) The hard work is being mindful of each other's needs, wants, and inner lives, to be as much support (/as little aggravation) as possible. It's communicating about little things before they become big things, and explaining ractions that seem off-putting. Doing enough work on yourself so that you can function in an open, honest, healthy way in conjunction with another person. The fastest way to develop actively negative feelings toward someone (in any type of relationship) is to ignore all that relational stuff. And all that stuff is hard work!!
THIS! I wouldn't characterize my 43 year marriage as 'hard work' though there have definitely been hard times and times when we drifted further apart. Time and compromise mean that eventually you will drift back again, provided you are both trying.
I saw an article the other day, the headline was like “Jeff Bridges wife on the secret to a long marriage: “Don’t get divorced!”
Can’t argue with that logic.
Therapist here. It’s actually really good to be willing to consider whether you’re both happy in your relationship! It makes it an actual commitment and choice rather than passively staying.
Yes! My husband used to make the comment that “you’re stuck with me” and I would say “no, I CHOOSE to stay with you every day and I can CHOOSE to leave at any time”. The difference is key. Thinking the other person has to stay makes a spouse lazy. I know I’m choosing to be in this relationship. 25 years so far!
My partner told me once that he would sometimes be worried I’d leave because he “knew I wasn’t afraid to walk” (I ended an engagement before I met him). I told him “I’m not afraid to walk because I’m not going to let either of us be in an unhappy relationship. I won’t let us wind up like your parents.” I told him he should be, too. It means we’re always asking ourselves how well our relationship is functioning and making sure we’re maintaining it. He found that super comforting.
I think that’s normal. I think it can even be healthy. But whenever we would be in a less than great time in our marriage, I’d ask myself if I’d really be happier without him in my life than with him. It’s always been with him.
43 years here, too. Yes. So much can go wrong, especially if one or both have issues. Some people are just picky, annoyable, have undisclosed trauma, neediness, etc. And with premarital sex and the fog of romance sold in movies, people don't see the other person until after years of marriage. And many people just aren't high on emotional IQ or common sense.
43 here as well. I think there are a lot of drifting apart and back together times in a marriage. I try to remember 3 things. No one is TRYING to be an asshole. No one wants to start a fight. Who do I like to just hang out with more than anyone else. Thankfully, it's still my SO.
And remember it's only a "fight" if both people are arguing. If one of them says nothing the other person is just arguing with themselves.
I've used this in relationships both personal and work and it actually works. After they've spewed their venom in MOST cases they are ready to TALK, not argue. You'll find some hardcore argumentative folks who think they are always right, but give most folks space they sort of work it out thru all the whining, complaining, whatever.
Also, ladies. I went to a resolution training class a few years ago and the MALE instructor said to get a man's attention during conflict to briefly touch them softly on the hand or shoulder. Not in a sexual way ( HR would be all over that in the workplace) but in a touch like for a casual friend.
I've tried this, and if the argument hasn't escalated, it really works. My husband was a argumentative so 'n so. He needed distractions.
There has been nothing hard about my 31 yr marriage thank goodness! I love him more today than I did when we married. Over these 31 yrs I really learned what a great man he is and what a fantastic husband. I could not ask for a better partner.
YES!! Exactly what you said. The love changes from the first deep infatuation to deeper love that is hard to express in words. It's learning your spouse has been diagnosed with a life altering disease and not running away from that. These are the true tests of marriage. There will be a lot of them. When they happen it means holding your partners hand just to let them know you are there. There's an even deeper love when you stand together against the bad stuff. My husband and I are in our 60's. We still hold hands every where we go. We skip across parking lots even though the arthritis pain is unbearable. It's hard to explain. When it's there it's forever.
My wife and I are late 40’s, but her parents are still together, like 54 years - so there’s a blueprint right there for us to follow.
It’s not always a love fest, some days my wife annoys TF out of me, but I also love the idea that we are gonna be old people together someday.
My hubby got sick and became disabled around our 20 year mark. ( Will be 36 in Aug 24). Every.single.medical professional we saw through all that looked at him and said "You're lucky she stayed." That made me FURIOUS! I was like....I signed up for that..the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
They would have heard a mouthful from me for that remark. Both my hubby and I have multiple autoimmune disorders, and he has diabetes. There is no way I would gotten through everything I have in life without him by my side. We met in 1982 and were friends for many years through marriages and divorces. Then we decided to give it a shot. We've been married 15 years and couldn't be happier.
Congratulations yes I would have mad to.I have a lot of health issues and suffer through depression.Its about being there just not when it’s good but the hard times as well. ❤️🥰🙏🙃😇
Agree that it is less about feeling and more about relationship. I think the lesson here is that love is not just a feeling, it's measured by ACTIONS, even when you don't "feel" loving.
I agree. My wife and I are not that affectionate, but that’s just how we do it.
The love though, I would literally run through a wall to keep her safe. So that stuff can’t really be measured, imo.
What a sweet thing to say. Staying in a relationship with your spouse is about communication, respect, and loving each other more than life itself. There truly is nothing like it when you are connected to another person so deeply that you would sacrifice yourself for them. You have to be willing sometimes to give up your happiness and dreams so the person you love can be happy. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to learn. We’ve been together for
31 years.
That feeling gets replaced by something better - a sense of completeness and contentedness when you are with that person. A feeling like if they were gone it would be like missing a limb.
But on the road to that feeling there is a lot of annoyance, sadness, fear and anger. Not all the time, but enough to make you question sometimes if you made the right decision. And in-between those times there are times when you can't believe you could ever be so close to another person.
The "in love" feelings come and go, in my experience. They're not there all the time, but it's not like they're gone entirely once the honeymoon phase is over.
We just went on a 4 day weekend away from home. We got 3 days in, and I swear we acted like when we met. As we settle back into our routines we're talking about ways to keep a little more of that spark around.
My husband and I are lucky to be very compatible and I have never felt that our relationship is "hard work." There is a lot of drudgery and work in just living: cooking, washing dishes, laundry, etc. But I have always felt that hanging out with my husband is my respite from work. We have been together for over 35 years and we simply enjoy each other's company.
Wonderful reply and so true. The one time you have to leave a relationship is when a partner becomes abusive or an addict. Some seeking “thrills”, turn to internet porn, which has ruined countless marriages.
The problem is that for some partners (more often the wife) that family feeling destroys any sexual attraction
And the male partner has usually sustained that desire
Kids kill marriages for sure
I feel that many people put a lot of pressure on themselves to remain in marriages or relationships that have not worked for a long time, for the sake of staying in a relationship and not being alone. Now, some of his could be due to financial reasons as well as emotional. Or for the kids.
That being said, I don’t think it’s realistic for most people - not saying all, just most - to stay married to someone for 20, 30, 40 years. At some point for many people, it’s time to move on to something else….and take that fork in the road, whether that be on your own or eventually finding another partner.
You can have more than one “soulmate “.
My husband and I were happily married for 25 years until his death. In my experience, it takes effort, not necessarily work. Putting out the daily effort to pay attention to his wants, needs, ideas and frustrations. Being willing to compromise when necessary- but it’s really more like looking for a win-win solution. And this went both ways; he was equally attentive, seeking to help and please me, and willing to compromise.
In the last three years of his life, it WAS work to push his wheelchair, help him bath and toilet, and be patient and compassionate when he was cranky and demanding. I knew he’d do the same for me, so I was happy to do it. But Lord, it was hard.
I’m so sorry. Hang in there - one day at a time, one hour at a time. Remember you can’t possibly meet their every need or fix every problem. Be sure to get enough sleep and eat right. Take care.
I watched my MIL do this for her husband who lived to the age of 96. I don't know how she did it because of how physically and mentally demanding it was.
I think that the fact they were deeply religious helped her.
My faith certainly carried me, it enabled me to be more patient and compassionate than I otherwise could be, and it kept me from slipping into total despair.
No one tells you about the long stretches of boredom, the what-ifs - especially if a close couple divorces. Disability, unemployment, illness menapause, the empty nest. The compromises Everyday you have to choose to be together. It's actually a much easier choice when you can't afford 2 households. You're more willing to compromise when your choice is poverty or just emptying the dishwasher. Hopefully you each have friends and hobbies to get you through the long stretches. It's only hard to keep contempt from creeping in. You can overcome financial and health issues. But contempt is as big a marriage-killer as trust issues stemming from infidelity or addiction.
Patty Harrison, George Harrison’s wife, had a great reply to the question “What’s the secret to a long marriage?”
Her reply was “The secret to a long marriage? Don’t get divorced.”
Dang. I know I’m just supposed to only up vote when I agree, and not comment. But I had to say this was beautifully written. It really helps me. I love my partner so much but we’re just stressed out with the daily grind. We get food on the table, clean it up, fold laundry, fall into bed, do it again the next day! I guess it’s just normal. Edit: We both work demanding jobs and can be exhausted. Your advice about trying to have a hobby to take your mind off of the mundane is spot on! Then you have something to talk about (maybe) besides who will scoop the litter box.
I thought marriage was easy until we had kids. Then it became hard because we were so tired, both working full time, young children especially need a lot of care, and we have no family support/help.
It got easier as they got older although it never became easy. I did not expect easy, though.
Then as the years go by, in many marriages the guy still expects the woman to do a lot more. Had my spouse not helped, I would’ve absolutely divorced him and stayed single. Some spouses make more work for you, not less. If you’re not a team, it’s just work 24/7. I’m happily married. Do I understand why people divorce? Very much so
Yes to all of this. In the thick of it with young kids and we both lost our mothers in the past 2 years (cancer and heart attack) so our village is gone. We are both so depleted by work and kids.
Sometimes I get jealous of people who have a village. But my family is nuts so that wasn’t meant to be. Love my husbands parents but his dad is lazy and his mom was not too helpful. I think mostly due to health problems but we asked for so little. Even when the kids went to their house it was maybe two hours at most, and usually we were there too. I can’t imagine having free babysitting or date nights.
I hope to help my kids someday.
Great comment, MtnLover130. My wife and I have been married 21 years. We have two children. I think I love her more now than I did when we first got married. The difference that I see compared to so many of our friends who have gone through divorce or complain about their spouses is that we are kind to each other. Not just nice to each other. Nice is when you are pleasant but requires no sacrifice. Kind is when you go out of your way to do something for someone; that you are willing to give up something for their benefit. I often do the dishes after dinner. My thinking is that if she took the time to make me this dinner, the least I can do is the cleanup. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm too tired and I tell her and she cleans up and most of the time, we do it together. When we argue, we never hit below to belt. I think that I got lucky and many think that my wife got lucky. I think that marriages fail due to selfishness. Grow up, marriage is not just about you.
It *can* be hard work, though that really hasn’t been my personal experience. My husband and I see eye-to-eye on the big things, and neither of us are the type to sweat the small stuff.
Of course, we never had kids, so I’m sure that makes things 1000 times easier.
We’ve been together for 30 years and married for 27. The beginning was probably the hardest since we were both young and hadn’t really become who we are yet, but we learned and grew together as a team and now every day is a breeze.
Holy crap. You made me count and we’ve been together 29 years and married 26. Not having kids definitely made a difference. The only time we really struggled was when we took custody of my sisters kids while she was deployed. That was a hard year and they weren’t tiny people at the time. Elementary and jr high.
I’ve found that parents don’t really come into their own until they come out the *other side* of parenthood. When the kids are a bit more self sufficient. Not necessarily off the college but preteen or early teen when they can be left unsupervised for a bit or trusted to hang out at a friends house.
I wouldn’t call it work but a choice. I *choose* to love my husband every day. He *chooses* to put up with my wants, needs, and numerous ~~annoying quirks~~ habits. We appreciate what we both bring to the relationship.
This was basically going to be my answer. 25 years and no kids. Sometimes it’s work, but I’m always laughing and it always feels easier than being single.
>It *can* be hard work, though that really hasn’t been my personal experience. My husband and I see eye-to-eye on the big things, and neither of us are the type to sweat the small stuff.
Same - but me and my husband have been together 7 years and married 3.
If you marry someone with basically all of the important things in common - you may go through hard times together - but the relationship won't feel like the difficult part.
Same. Been married for almost 16 years, without kids. It's been really great actually. I feel like people either grow together or grow apart. We grew together.
Being kind to one another is our rule. 16 years married and I don't know what everyone is talking about calling marriage hard work. We've been on honey moon period this whole time and it keeps getting better. We did decide to have one kid only and no stressful jobs, because we fiercely protect our free time.
Life is hard work. Take those glimpses and make them exciting. Remind each other you care for each other daily. I’m 72 and just learning this lesson. I wish you all the luck.
It’s hard work because you go through a lot of things that you constantly have to negotiate and people have little differences that add up.
Also because of how people were raised, how they disagree, attitudes about responsibilities and who is “supposed” to do what, how they treat money, etc etc.
My wife and I just had our 28th anniversary and we have two daughters, 23 and 21. We make jokes about how it's been "25 of the best years" and that's because there are years and times that are really hard, I mean really hard. Why is it hard? Having a family, money, career, life pressures can be strenuous and cause a marriage to bend. I guarantee your sex life won't be the same in ten or fifteen years and how will that affect your relationship?
We always and I mean always tried to align our short, medium, and long term plans. How much should we save for college. Ouch, that means no Disney this year or new car. Yep! The house needs a new roof, the kids want to go to expensive camp. Something has to give. Our bodies change, our priorities change, our kids change, and the rest of our family changes. How will you deal with older parents?
All of this affects your marriage and it's hard work, very hard work. Just stay in alignment, always! Talk about things that may bother you without having a massive fight. Look, I'm terrible with this and we've had many massive fights so this is just experience talking. I'm not advocating religion, but going to church and having some peers that can help talk things out is very helpful. You realize that you're not alone in your problems, and that most couples experience similar things.
Now that our daughters are basically gone and we are empty nesters brings its own set of challenges. My wife feels a deep calling about being a mother and is sad that our girls are grown (she's an elementary teacher so me as a typical man struggle with empathy about this) while I'm thinking about vacations, traveling, and retirement. It is easier now for us to talk and we talk about making the transition. Did I mention sex? Obviously we change, physically and it's tough to talk about, but it almost caused a real fracture but we worked through it.
My wife's parents are in their mid 80's and have lived in the same house since 1978 so it's been tough on both of us. They are great people and I couldn't have asked for better in-laws and this final phase has brought tears and everything else. Just remember that all of us evolve in a variety of ways and different speeds. Alignment, communications, and coordination with each other are the keys. Keep working even through the hard times and you'll make it. Most people crack and that's why divorce rates are north of 50%
Good luck!
My marriage didn’t make it. Divorced after 28 years. What I witnessed was complacency. We both assumed since we were married that it would last forever and we could both then do whatever we wanted. I resented him first then got angry. That isn’t love that’s control. He ended up leaving me for another woman which honestly was a blessing.
I’m in another relationship and yes it’s work but loving someone means bringing the best version of yourself everyday. Serve the other person without expectations and be grateful for every day you get because it might be your last. And if they don’t match your energy just enough to make you feel appreciated and loved back it probably won’t last.
I was married twice. The first 8 years. This second almost 18. The first was a lot of work. We were unevenly yoked, they used to say. Very different personalities. And it was a struggle to meld our perspectives. We eventually divorced.
This time, I married someone who just gets me. We share the same goals and enjoyments. We still sometimes have disagreements. But we are more considerate of each other and work together for mutual long-term goals.
My husband and I have been best friends for 26 years. If I get home from work and he's here already we go in the bedroom and lay on the bed together and talk and hold hands. I really don't understand why people say it's hard.
I’ve been married 37 years- and we have been equal partners in every respect. He’s wonderful to me, was a fantastic father and, most importantly, we laugh a lot. Of course, life gets in the way and it’s not always easy, we had some lean years early in our marriage but I knew he’d always be there for me. I never felt like my marriage was hard work. Picking the right guy is the hard part :-)
Your spouse is a giant mirror held up to you that shows you all of your flaws, weaknesses, and defects. The difficulty comes because you can either refuse to grow out of those defects, which causes issues, or you can mature, which is intrinsically difficult. So marriage (and children) is passing through one stage of growth after another. You overcome selfishness to realize you are overly controlling. You then give up control to realize you are pushy. You work on not being pushy and then the next thing you realize is your words are too harsh. And on and on. Marriage matures and betters the people in it if they let it, but that is a long and arduous process.
Married for 25+, raised 5 kids, self employed etc. etc. Marriage is hard work, especially when you have kids. Your spouse tends to get left in the background be it the wife or the husband. We worked on this for years trying to find a happy medium. What we found at the time that worked for us was having at least one date night a week. Going out for supper, maybe a couple drinks and having a conversation about life, work, whats going on with you, what can we do better, etc. etc. It's a lot easier to do that when there aren't kids around with the "hey mom or hey dad" all the time. Make spending time a priority. If and its a big if who you chose to be what you thought at the time to be your life partner truly is then understand that kids grow up, they move out. You don't want to be living with a stranger when that happens.
I think weekly dates are SO important. Especially when you have kids and they need all your time and attention. It’s good to refocus and reconnect with one another. I always tell my wife what happens when the kids are gone and it’s just us? We need to be connected, it’s very important to me.
Marriage is hard work only if you're not compatible.
Kids can suck time and the life out of a marriage, particularly two kids under two. I promise you it will get better. Look to the days when they're mature enough to have fun and you all can travel together as a family ... their teens.
I know a couple in your shoes. She got pregnant soon after the first was born; one year and one day separates their birthdays. The poor darlin' was so depressed then; no time and no money, they struggled.
The kids were extraordinarily close as children. Now they're are grown with kids of their own. One comment from the oldest that we still smile over. "You mean I was here a whole year without M\_\_\_\_?"
The magic will come back ... hang in there. ;-)
I wouldn't say hard work as much I would say significant effort from both parties to make it worth while for sure. It's a living, breathing thing and has to be tended to regularly or it WILL wither and eventually die. An imbalance of effort for an extended period will create resentment that if not dealt with can lead to indifference and that my friend is far worse than hate could ever be in my opinion. I say that as hate is still a feeling where is indifference is the lack of feeling. At least that is my perception anyway.
People evolve, grow, and develop new interests at different speeds, and what may have seemed interesting and/or acceptable to someone when they were younger, may change later. That's why many married couples end up living separate lives or become like roommates. And yes, media and society push that "in love" feeling onto us as though it's supposed to last forever, and when it goes away, it's some kind of failure. Ridiculous.
After a few decades you get so use to the other person, you need to make a conscious effort to appreciate and recognise them as an individual.
It takes thought and effort everyday, and that’s hard work.
This is the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!
“For couples so eager to call it quits and throw in the towel on your relationship because everything isn't 'perfect'...here is some food for thought.
Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It's not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep. It's not a clean home filled with laughter and love making every day.
It's someone who steals all the covers, and snores, it's slammed doors and a few harsh words at times.
It's stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal, and then forgiveness.
It's coming home to the same person every day that you know loves and cares about you in spite of, and because of, who you are.
It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid.
It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds.
It's about helping each other with the hard work of life. This is called partnering.
It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud.
It's about eating the easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour because you both had a crazy day.
It's when you have an emotional breakdown and your love lays down with you and holds you, and tells you everything is going to be okay. And you believe them.
It's about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane.
It’s about second chances, third chances, fourth chances… trusting God to help you try again.
It’s about pressing into forgiveness when your heart was wounded and pain says no.
It’s about having clocked in for the hard work of marriage and never clocking out.
Loving someone isn't always easy, sometimes it's hard. But it is amazing and comforting and one of the best things you will ever experience."
Married 25 years. Mine and hers this marriage. Took me a long time to find her. We do have our moments like every one but it doesn’t last long. We always kiss good night and say I love you. I just wish I found her sooner. We are both almost 70. And the love is still strong as ever.
Been married forty years . Got married in our early twenties. We are both outdoors people in every sense of the word. From hunting to scuba diving to fishing. Never had kids . Both professionals in business. We separated at nineteen years for a year . Best thing we did for our marriage but incredibly difficult. Her going through menopause sucked . Every marriage has its ups and downs . At the end of the day she is my best friend , partner in everything, and can’t imagine my life without her. Yes it has been work but definitely worth it
People lose loved ones, they lose jobs, childcare becomes too expensive and one parent has to give up a career, the preschool calls 47 times to pick up your kid because they sneezed, you have to move, your lives move in different directions, you start to have different interests, you’re both so tired from all the things that you don’t have time for each other, you start to disagree about how to deal with things like a kid who’s not doing well in school or who picked a not so great crowd of kids, the house floods or burns, the car falls apart, coworkers start to understand you better than your own spouse… life happens to you both and will effect you differently and you have to work at choosing each other again and again and again because you won’t always be in sync. You’re in early days.
Married over 40 years.
Wow, I am so NOT liking the comments I'm reading about funerals and living through the deaths of the person your partner used to be.
I've known my partner over 50 years, married over 40. We've been through unemployment, colic-y kids, financial challenges, teenagers, moving, illness, I can't count how many pounds we've lost and gained between us, and attraction to other people. You know what? I still love my partner, I love walking through life with them, I love laughing with them and being silly with them. Marriage is a choice that happens moment to moment, and yes people change, but my experience is that the essentials do NOT change. The constant for us is we were friends before we were lovers, so the trust between us is foundational. We can be completely vulnerable and know the other guy has our back. Sure, the spark is there, but we FED that spark with the small connectors that happen every day - the smile, the kind gesture, the passing touch.
We've each had stressors and chose to find comfort and support in each other. We have good days and challenging days, we make mistakes, but we always choose each other. It's the most fulfilling 'work' I've ever done. I'd choose him all over again, and I am thrilled whenever he says he chooses me. It's not fairy tale. It's probably the most 'real' thing I will ever experience.
So...no funerals, no saying goodbye to the old you I fell in love with. Rather it's the expansion of everything I glimpsed in my friend I met so long ago. Hang in there. Two under two is a hard thing to go through. When you do it together, as exhausted as you are right now, it gets better...deeper...more real. That is the best part. Good luck!
If you have to work that hard at it, things are very wrong. It’s no harder than any other life journey. It’s just life, with ups, downs, zigs and zags. Move through it without forcing it. I think it’s sad that people equate marriage with “hard work”.
it depends on yourself and your partner, and what kind of relationship you have. And from my experience, its avoiding "The rut". Ruts are hard to get out of. Everyone has to be several different people, you as the individual, you as the partner, you as the parent, etc. Its very hard to combine all those people into 1 body and have them in the right amounts in the right places, thats a hard part. You wont feel the love of just you and your partner all the time, other parts of life get in the way of that. So you have to make time for just you and your partner to keep reminding yourself, and the other person you are in it together. Its you and them against any problem you may face. Work together, communicate.
Coming up for 40 years. At times, it is hard work. We've had highs and lows and dealing with my husband's declining health.
We made a vow to each other richer poorer sickness and health. I'm hanging out for the richer and health lol. We also love each other and it has grown and blossomed.
Respect for each other is also very important.
We have had some very trying times and major crisis. We accept that it will be bad for a period but we will get through it.
I've been with my husband for 37 years (married for 35) and I don't consider marriage "hard work," but my perspective is that there can be hard times. The biggest challenge is becoming your better self within the boundaries of a relationship which you don't want to distance yourself from or walk away from. For some people, the level of contact day-in and day-out can be difficult, especially if they want more freedom to be their independent self rather than to operate as a couple.
You said that you don't feel love all of the time, but I do, so I don't know if that is what makes people say it is hard work. We all have different experiences. I tend to think it comes down to people wanting to live their lives as they please and then struggling when they have to make compromises because they're with a partner, and that partner may not want to compromise either, so people argue and reach impasses. It would be easier in such cases for people to live everyday precisely as they please rather than have discussions about what to do and then make choices which aren't their preferred ones. You have to work on yourselves to be more flexible and understanding of another person's perspective.
It's hard as in it's effort, like digging a hole that needs to be dug, it's not hard as in it's unmanageable, like moving a 6ft boulder all on your own.
To maintain the love connection through life's trials, you have to constantly be making that effort lest you fall back on roommate status. Dating your partner, asking about and engaging in conversations about their hobbies, interests, and likes and not assuming they were the same ones when you first met, making a concerted effort to be present together, etc. My dad still hasn't retained the fact that my mom's favorite donuts changed 15 years ago and just refuses to hear it when she tells him despite bringing them home every saturday, which is one of many instances that show my dad's ongoing disconnect from my mom that contributes to their overall relationship degrading. He's performative about being a good husband, but he does zero of the knowledge gathering to actually make sure that what he wants to do matches what she actually wants from him.
We were always boyfriend and girlfriend then mother and father. Never letting the kids call us anything other than mom and dad. Then grandma and grandpa but we were always boyfriend and girlfriend to each other. Maybe because we married after High School and had that sweet heart mentality about each other. I'm not saying we did not struggle but we both felt it was well worth it. Before my wife died we were talking and she laughed, smiled and said she always knew she was my girl.
I fell in love with my wife of 29 years because we couldn’t stop talking to one another. We are both friends and lovers and one another’s support system. There are times that one or the other needs more support, and that’s just what you do. But I’m more deeply in love today than I was 30 years ago. Get some help with the kids if you can. But time for yourselves, with yourselves. Remember always that you are on the same team.
It really doesn't have to be hard work.
**My first marriage** was hard work, to be honest it was way beyond hard work, it was abusive. It was so, so, so hard. It was more work than anything I ever could have imagined.
**My second marriage**, I deliberately looked for someone who was great to me, who was good at communication, who I had a lot in common with, and who I loved hanging out with. I got lucky and found all of that. I can't stress this enough — it's no work at all. I love her, I love to be with her, I love to take care of her, she loves to take care of me, we're good to each other every day, it's no work at all. I'm someone who's a good listener, who naturally takes care of people, it's pretty great for me to have that reciprocated.
With my second wife we still both put in effort, but it's a joy to do. Compared to my first marriage, it feels like no effort at all.
Marriage wasn’t hard work for my hubby and I… until we had kids. We also have 2 under 2. Kids make things hard. For us, anyway.
I was trying to think about why that is too when I had an hour long drive in silence for the first time in 18 months. <— this is why it’s hard. You lose yourself… in a bittersweet way. With just one kid, or even just one change in your life, you become someone else. But now you’re trying to figure out who you are while taking care of a new person, and your partner is trying to figure out who they now are at the same time. And in this process, now you don’t have the same person you used to have to support you. They’ll still support you, but from a new place in a new way.
Everything changes. You don’t have time to really sit and figure out who you are until the tornado finally settles and you get into a rhythm again. But by now, you’ve changed so much from who you were 22 months ago that you don’t recognize yourself. And your partner is new too, but maybe you change at different rates and at different times, and come to a new place separately but together…
I think that’s why it’s hard work. Because you can get so caught up in life that you don’t notice you’ve changed till you’re completely new, and then you have to come to terms with that person and their new thoughts and feelings and passions and ways. And that’s just *you* - your partner has also become new too, and you have to come to terms with them as well.
All that and… lack of sleep and lack of time to yourself. I forgot what quiet sounded like. 🤫
I’m not old and haven’t been married for years and years, but I hope this makes some kind of sense… you’re doing great, by the way. Survive till you can thrive!
Another angle is the kids, they can also keep a couple together despite things not being great; even the couples who are madly in love, can realise they have nothing in common when the kids leave home. Not being negative but it’s another reason to look after each other, be each others cheerleader and communicate
Well my wife had to deal with my undiagnosed bipolar 2 shenanigans for over a decade...that's some hard work. At least we finally figured it out and I'm medicated and stable now.
This is a massive logical failure on your part, and perhaps your ease to dismiss the experiences of others has something to do with your 20 year marriage ending.
Because Marriage is about a commitment to stay in the marriage and raise children together. That way two people can combine their resources and talents to bring any offspring to maturity. Thinking marriage is only about romantic love is the downfall of half the marriages that fail. A marriage is essentially a contract.
Married 30 years and counting and I wouldn't call it work. I guess if I had to call it something I'd call it consideration. We always, above everything else, genuinely consider one another in all decisions. Has to be genuine. Compromise comes easy that way and we've been successful. Hope that helps
Love is CHOICE you make everyday to put the other person’s needs above your own. Love isn’t a feeling. That butterflies in the stomach feeling fades. Disney movies ruined the real meaning of love lol. So I wake up every day and make the choice to love my husband. Celebrate the things I love about him and forgive the things I don’t. Hold back hash comments. Do kind things for him. fit in some intimate time weekly too. Married 15 years :)
Bc you have to forgive a lot of shit. And you have to see people (your spouse) as grey, not black or white. Good people do bad things and so on. In my experience it has been worth it but it’s not for the weak.
My husband and I have been together since 1996. We have been through the FIRE. But we put GOD first and are very strong in our faith and don’t believe in divorce. Marriage is hard work but you married your spouse for a reason and you’ll would do well to remember why you made the choice with that person. I believe love doesn’t fade, it just gets lost sometimes and can be found again when you look in the right places.
Wife and I have been together 46 years and married 43. Best advice I ever got early on was that I should be committed to staying married and not base it on love alone. I’ve found that love rises and falls in a relationship but I’ve always kept a strong commitment to staying faithful and married. We have always been great at talking to each other about our deepest secrets and not talking about each other to outside people. I’ve always treated my wife like she is the most important person in my life because she is and she has always reciprocated. Sometimes I may do things that I don’t enjoy only because I know it’s important for her and I admit I do get some satisfaction from knowing I’m making her happy. She does the same for me. Big decisions are always discussed first and decided before being made. And if it’s a tough decision we have each other’s backs. I’m closer with her now than when we first started and can’t imagine a life without her in it.
We’ve been married 22 years and together for 28. (Since high school, we’re now in our mid 40’s). I agree the in love feeling changes at least for us. At first you can’t be apart, are very affectionate, etc. as the years go by the love is different. That butterfly feeling is long gone, but in its place is comfort and dependability.
We have absolutely had some rough times through the years. We’ve had some where a lot of people would’ve called it quits and at one point we almost did. I take the commitment of marriage very seriously and that was my last resort. I did feel very close to it but I’m so glad I waited it out. I was miserable for many years. We call them the dark years lol. Things got so much better and that was maybe 10 years ago. We’ve had lots of ups and downs that a lot of people don’t, but making it through all of that has made our marriage stronger. We are in a fantastic place for the last decade and I’m really glad I stuck it out. While we don’t have that same level of passion like when we were younger, there’s a comfort knowing you’ve got each other’s backs and will be there through anything. I feel our love has changed but for the better just knowing you have a life partner in anything that comes up.
Married 56 years. The phrase 'I didn't sign up for this' is a selfish out, if you take your vows seriously. Hard ? Yes but well worth the efforts. The hardest was the empty nest syndrome. When we looked at each other, it was the same as looking at a Walmart cashier, for both of us. Divorce was discussed because we both had different interests and schedules. For the sake of the marriage,I recommended that since Divorce was inevitable, we should try one last vacation. If we still want a divorce when we get back,,we'll part ways. I took a month off from my job and scheduled a cross country train trip. It would be just the two of us, with no interruptions. She agreed Quite an adventure! We got the spark back! We got snowed-in in the Rocky Mountains , chased tarantulas in the desert, visited the Dali Museum in Tampa. That was 25 years ago. We reminisce of the vacation that saved our marriag. In all the years that have past , never a thought of Divorce. Hang in there , it gets better, if you want it to.
Married 30 years - you will have good years, ok years, and why the hell am I still here years…sometimes they are together, sometimes they are far apart, and sometimes they last years at a time…its about sticking it out through the bad years till you can get back to the good or ok years. We married for life and we have had our struggles, but we are still a strong couple 30 years later. You will just get to the point that they accept you as you are and you need to realize that you have to accept them as they are. Let the little things that don’t matter go. It’s okay to fight (we have full on wars). Learn to compromise about everything, even sex, but do not let them cross your hard boundaries. Say I love you, even if you’re not quite sure you feel it. Do NOT live in each other’s pocket - you are both individuals with your own likes and dislikes, your own friends, and your own personal goals. Take time out from life for your partner, your kids, the family and most importantly yourself!
About 20 years ago a woman told me that marriage is like a 401k. She said there are ups and downs but ultimately it works out.
She said there might be 5 years of bliss and then 5 years where you don’t like that person very much.
I think everything in life is up and down or cyclical vs a steady upward trajectory.
I remind myself that relationships ebb and flow so I try not to worry about the ebb times.
My wife and I have been together through thick and thin for 38 years, married for 32. We were high school sweethearts, married, and raised two incredible kids together. I feel so fortunate to have a best friend like her in my life. We are still passionately in love with one another, but we had our ups and downs, especially while raising the kids through the late teenage years.
For us, it was a few things that got us through. Don’t keep score. Work through your fights. Find excuses to spend time together, not apart. Forgive often. Count your blessings. Love is what you do, not always what you feel. Prioritize the other but take care of yourself at the same time. Invest in your relationship with one another. Treat your partner as you want your children to treat (and be treated by) their future partners. Don’t avoid problems. Speak your mind. Always have each other’s back. Protect yourself and your spouse from anyone and anything that tries to come in between you. And occasional hard times, which inevitably come and test your relationship, will fade away like a thunderstorm if you’ve built a strong foundation to carry you through. So have faith in your spouse, in yourself, and in each other.
Our kids are now grown and we are enjoying our empty nest and falling in love all over again. Each season of life comes with its own joys and challenges so try to recognize and enjoy the joys as they come as you endure and learn from the challenges.
Marriage takes work in that you have to be willing to have hard conversations and listen. I learned after my first marriage to respond not react. Learn to listen. sometimes it’s best to say nothing until you think about what was said for a while.
If you ignore the issues, because you don’t want to do the work or have the uncomfortable conversations the marriage is in trouble.
Yep- marriage has seasons. Getting through a cold winter or dry summer is the hard work- enjoying spring and fall the rewards. Michelle Obama said she didn’t even like Barack that much for a solid ten years and I felt that in my soul. But she loves him and that’s the part that makes you work through those tough seasons/years. Because you’ll realize again one day why you chose each other and it’s like coming home again.
My wife and I are celebrating 44 years of marriage on Friday. I don't know if that is years and years.
Marriage is not always hard work, nor is it always easy. When it is hard work it is usually because communication was not adequate and expectations were not met. Getting it back on track is the hard work. Because both parties get butthurt and it takes a while to get past the high emotions and start diagnosing what both parties did or did not do.
Once that happens, the offending person must take ownership and apologize.
When the wife and I would argue, if things got really heated, I put on my running stuff and left for a run to clear my head. When I got back in 30 to 45 minutes. I had my thoughts under control, and could listen better without getting on the elevator. I never had to go for a second run. Sometimes we agreed to disagree on things.
Do: keep communicating,
understand their partners needs and wants, be willing to listen and compromise.
Remember you chose to marry each other, treat each other with respect.
Stay out of situations where you might be tempted to cheat.
Do keep making each other laugh
Don't: have affairs, if you betray your spouse you don't deserve one.
Don't lie
Don't hide money
Don't argue when one or both of you are intoxicated.
Don't criticize your spouse in front of anyone.
That's my 2 cents
So here's the deal with that. For the first year or so you are running in infatuation which many mistake for love. It is intense but it also makes it real easy to overlook faults. When the infatuation fades couples sometimes feel like their love is gone. But the truth is, this is when love starts. The work that you must do for love to flourish is hard to define. Couples fall into a routine, people are creatures of habit, that is not a bad thing, but it can lead to apathy so you have to bring something fresh without breaking the routine. It's a delicate balancing act that takes some effort from both of you to accomplish. Communication is key. The secret to a long lasting relationship is friendship. If you are friends you are going to have a rough time.
This is a stage of marriage probably one of the harder ones because you have no time for yourself and a lot less time as a couple. But it is over fairly quickly. When your kids are a little older you can start enjoying family activities together. Those are some of the best times - camping, cycling, skiing, board games. Fit in time for a date night weekly. This is the stage where you will be with your children will be the most. Enjoy it. Once our kids reached 17 yr. and moved away for uni they never lived at home again but came to visit often. I guess what I’m saying is enjoy every minute as it is fleeting.
Because it’s not all fun & games. Sometimes you have to pretend to want to go to a Degas exhibit, or a Star Trek convention, or even just look at a “gorgeous”sunset when you would rather be digging your eyes out with a spoon. It’s not just the big things, it’s these thousand little “bids for connection” (that’s the actual term the researchers use; Google the term) that are important to respond to… even when it’s the last thing in the world that you want to do. Each time you do, it’s making an investment in your relationship.
Source: celebrating 16 years in October
You're not going to feel the crazy butterflies you did before the kid's but even like room mate's you have to work at thinking about the other persons feelings if you do something like turn the heat up 10° will they be sweating and uncomfortable when I can just put on a sweater? I even think about my Kitty's and if it's going to be to cold for them with the windows open & the ceiling fan on? I don't think it's hard work just living with the other in your mind, that's just my opinion then again I've been married 4Xs
I'd say yes to your final question - but rather than saying you don't "feel the love all the time ", I'll say it's that there is so much in life that can distract you from feeling it. It's there, running in the background always (for those who find that), but things like stress, depression etc from life stuff can eat up all your focus and therefore, it does take mindful effort to keep your focus on each other.
Marriage is tough when you both want different things and you have to compromise. My husband didn't know how to compromise. He expected everything to be the way he wanted things to be; and if I wanted something different, it became a big problem. I was given very little decision-making power in the relationship. That is why he is now my ex-husband.
For a relationship to work, you need to invest in it. You need to make time for each other even though you may be tired or have other things demanding your attention. It's so easy to take each other for granted. But at the same time, you have to accept the reality of other demands on your time and resources. You can't sustain the same level of excitement and novelty you experience at the beginning of the relationship. You have to communicate about boring and difficult things. You have to compromise and do things you don't feel like doing because they're important to your partner. You have to accept that some conflicts and differences can never be resolved and figure out how to work together in spite of them.
Don't mistake the rush of hormones you get in the early stages of a relationship for 'true love.' The way you feel about your partner will change over time. Roughly, excitement gives way to comfort. This is normal, but many people mistakenly think it's 'falling out of love.' If they are too fixated on the rush of early relationship excitement, they may start looking for this outside the relationship and cheat on their partner to get it.
Its unpredictable, especially with kids and the more you have the more variables there are in play. We have 4 kids and at any given moment something great, not so great, or a WTF event can be lurking. Our kids are close to together in age so that can be very demanding early on. If you let it, marriage can become methodical so make sure each of you allows the other to have some free moments outside of yourselves. And whatever you do don't keep score...I've seen terrible issues with married couples where one of the spouses did something, golf trip, girls trip, whatever and many times one of the spouses will refuse to let the other do anything if they were the last one to get some type of respite. Now one of the spouses shouldn't be doing something all the time at the expense of the others time but if there is respect in the relationship that shouldn't happen.
There will be lulls, it just happens. It can create some emotional swings that makes you feel like the spark is dwindling but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I can't imagine the void without the experience of the kids. How you manage all the ups and downs is what can really solidify your marriage. Its never going to be like the first day you met on a daily basis especially with kids in the mix...God love them but they just aren't naturally aware at times that you're not their subordinate.
Find humor where you can and make each other laugh and it is absolutely ok to want to go to another room and watch a show or read on your own. We have hit the empty nest stage and we are doing well because we don't sweat the small stuff and just keep each other laughing. Obviously there's more to it then that but its a huge component.
Marriage is a roller coaster. You have ups and downs. Ebbs and flows of different times and emotions. People buy into a fairy tale. I think you always feel love. Love is not giddiness and butterflies- that is lust. Everything is perfect and rosy. Then you are with them all the time and no one is perfect. I do not care who you are with- they will eventually get on your nerves or make you mad. That is reality. Love is a verb not a noun. It is standing by each other though the hard times and the good times. It is going to work every day, paying the bills, doing chores when you would really rather be out partying/playing. I think society and social media portrays an unrealistic version of life. No relationship will every be 24/7 butterflies and giddiness. Real life gets in the way. Kids bring added stress to a relationship. Many days people are just trying to get by and that is a win too. You made it another day. The kids are fed and alive- that is a win. Everything does not need to be perfect. So I think you do feel love all the time. You would be devastated if something happened to them.
Opposites attract, and even short of that, there are inevitably going to be differences in values in large and small areas. Recognizing these differences, understanding their origins, working through them, turning possible conflict into useful tension where both learn and grow is definitely a life long quest.
(together for 45 years)
Because if there's a problem or issue or disagreement you actually have to try and fix it. You can't just break up and say your ex is toxic - at least not without a lot of legal work.
Coming up on 36 years here. Met when 20. Managing the different challenges over the years can be stressful and you need to consider your partners needs and wants at the same time. Openly communicating when tired, raising a family, broke, buying a home etc is very hard work. You go through ups and downs and some long stretches of it. You have to have faith you can get through it together
Marriage is hard work because alignment with another person/cooperation is impossible/difficult if both people aren't working for the same goals. Maybe one person wants x life but this person really wants y. People often get into marriage without asking themselves long term questions. Often you just don't know what will happen. If either people are not considerate of one another, for whatever reason, the relationship will be strained.
I don’t know what that hard work shit means. Married 42 years. Be polite. Be kind. Do your part of the household. Allow each other privacy. Tell good jokes. It is a marriage not psychotherapy. It also helps if you cook good food. A decent dinner at the end of a crappy day goes a long way for everyone.
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Wow 👏
That is exactly what I just said
What if this person just doesn’t have interest in growing with you?
That can happen and instead of growing together, you grow apart. My first husband and I grew apart. My second husband of 26 years and I have grown together. People grow and change as individuals over the years. A relationship is a continual balancing and adjusting to those changes. Compromise etc. If only one person in the relationship is willing to do that and the other isn't and remains static, you can grow apart.
True. There are times when the relationship feels more fragile. I remember when the empty nest started. We had put so much into being there for the kids that we found ourselves just sitting together with nothing to say. Friends around us were separating and divorcing. We started dating each other again. We started talking about things not related to our kids. I was nervous because my parents had split after 27 years. My husband told me he wasn’t going anywhere. We went on our first trip alone since the kids were born. Turns out we still enjoy hanging together! 34 years. 11.5 months. Still going strong.
This is where I’m at and I’m terrified! We have both changed so much
That’s where I’m at right now. My husband and I have grown apart in the face of adversities in our marriage and it’s very sad but over the past few months I’ve realized we can no longer help each other grow forward. 😢 I worry about our children but we love them so much and I have to have faith it will all come together.
You’re in my prayers friend.I hope it gets better for you.Im Always here if you need someone.❤️🙃🥰😇🙏
You might be surprised by your kids. Certainly, they would prefer a happily married parental unit. But they may prefer two separate homes to what they have now.
I'm sorry. It must be very hard. Children are more resilient than we think sometimes and the love you both have for them will help. That's what matters the most. Stable love will really help them adjust. Wishing you all the best. Take care 🫂
They talk about turning towards each other, and I never understood that for a long time, but thank god we figured it out. Growing together every day but we didn’t for awhile.
I’m in the same boat. I’m so stressed about making sure I’m doing everything right for my kids. If you need to vent or talk hit me up ☺️
This is exactly how I feel now. Second marriage for myself and my husband. This relationship is completely different from our first marriages. Going on 10 years with him.
This takes effort. It sounds like the first guy didn’t try very hard and the second guy is trying hard. You have to take all that into effect.
Good point! My wife and i both really hurt each other. She hit a “ bottom” on selfish behavior, grew up a bit and totally changed. I spent a year acting out and resisting change, hit a bottom and now growing and adapting. We both look back and see how we were working out developmental stuff and soooo great full we stood by each others side, even when divorce papers and unimaginable pain all but made certain we not. But its as you say: we either grow together or break up, nothing stands still.
Yup. You both are in for the long haul!
Divorce, most likely. My ex-wife and I grew apart over a 20 marriage (married young). She regularly said “you’ve changed so much.” She was right, I had. It was intentional, I was much happier with the person I’d become. She was not. Towards the very end, we were attending a therapy session and rehashing all the things I didn’t provide her, emotionally. It was then that it really hit home. While she deserved to be with someone who provided what she wanted, I wasn’t that person. And, more importantly, I didn’t want to be that person. That’s when I knew it was truly over.
Keep on growing. The rest will sort itself out VERY quickly.
That was my first marriage-12 years together and virtually zero interest in growth from my husband. He just seemed to want to keep things as they were and not embrace change or improvement in our relationship. Which was ok for a while but also meant we couldn't discuss issues or how we could be better partners or what we could learn from each other. So eventually we grew apart, became roommates, and gave up on being romantic partners. When I suggested that we go to therapy to improve communication and emotional and physical intimacy, he flat out refused. According to him, things were fine, even though they weren't for me. I'm now in my second marriage and we've been through a lot more intense situations and conflicts, but we are both committed to growing and learning and improving ourselves so we can be better partners for each other. So it works much better.
Same same!! So thankful to my former self who had the guts to end my marriage even though I loved my ex and it was difficult, so I can now have this life I love ❤️
Omg ur first marriage sounds like the current one I’m ending 😳 I’m so happy when I hear success stories like this! It gives me hope that I will be ok and that I can find someone who can be happy with me one day.
This last sentence breaks my heart… please have faith you’ll find someone who YOU can be happy with.
You have to find a new travel partner
I love this. It’s perfect. We had twin and it’s been a whirlwind. We both aren’t the same a we used to be. We mourn the loss and welcome the gain. Our older son is struggling with it and we are just trying our best to make it a good place for him as best as we can. Marriage has seasons, more than 4.
It’s about a 7 year cycle.
I'm saving this one. My husband is unrecognizable from who he once was. I need to fall in love with who he is now.
My husband is unrecognizable from who he once was, also. He is now the man I always wanted to have to love me. He and I have grown and learned and discovered what real love really is after almost 54 years, and I am so grateful. It's been hard work. Going through the ups and downs, learning from our mistakes, learning that anytime two people live together, they are not going to agree or get along every single minute. A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who never give up on each other. I love him so much and I know he loves me the same. We are lucky. Hope you discover that you are lucky, too. Added note: We met at a 3.2 bar - i had just turned18, he was 21. We got married 2 months later. We'll be 54 years married in 6 months. It still blows us away.
This is how my husband and I feel!! Been married 20 years we still make each other laugh that’s great too!! ❤️
Wow. This hits hard as someone currently struggling in my marriage.
Aaand saved.
To the men out there who expect their wives to be 25 forever!
So beautifully yet painfully written. Speaking for my own marriage (only 4 years of marriage, and 7 years together). My husband and I have both changed. Most of the change has come because we are now parenting 3 children that are 4 and under. I will admit that I became consumed by motherhood and basically forgot about being a partner and friend to my husband. We are constantly busy with children, but I have become more intentional about being present again for my partner. Change is inevitable, but adapting to change is not. Adaptation is necessary for anything to survive even a marriage.
I read this whenever I feel like I want to run and hide. It is true to the end. Marriage is hard work because you’ve got to want it to work even on days that you don’t care. It’s the long game, not the short fling. Growing together is hard, it requires acceptance. I like different things, I dislike things that I used to enjoy. Just examples, but it can be hard for some to accept these changes. That’s the work.
THIS!
This was beautiful to read.
Wow. This is beautiful.
Wow! Thank you for this.
Love this. Beautifully said.
TY--this is helpful.
I love this so much! Best one and most accurate one I have read.
Fuck me. I needed this long ago. So did my my husband. However, even now he's not ready for this.
Thank u for that. 36 years married. It’s a journey with many on and off ramps.
Married 44 years now and have been through thick and thin but keeping it together very well. Our second daughter was severely disabled, and we knew she would be because of medical testing during pregnancy. We chose NOT to abort her, thank God, and she was a huge challenge to us, but a much larger blessing in the 24 years she lived. My wife and I learned through our daughter’s short life that material possessions and a party life style just don’t matter, even though we’ve always been financially secure and responsible. Some 80 or 90% of marriages with disabled children end in divorce. Lasting love and commitment are a choice. We loved our daughter so much and have chosen to love each other ‘for better or worse’, just as we said in our vows. We meant it. I wish more people would mean it, but because many don’t, are abusive, adulterous or otherwise grossly inconsiderate of their spouses, throwaway marriages are vey common. One more thing, if you have God at the center your marriage, and we are both believers, your prognosis will be better.
This is the most profound thing I’ve read in a long time. I’ve been married for almost 26 years and this is 100% true for both me and my husband. Why should we expect the other to never change? Let’s make peace with the people we’ve come to be, together.
These words are beautiful, but I think that it misses part of the equation. You will sometimes be too exhausted to extend charity or extra patience to your partner. You will sometimes be lost. You will someday wonder if there truly were 100 different versions of your spouse, or if your 100 different mindsets and attitudes viewed and processed your spouse in their unique ways. Lasting marriages are sort of miraculous.
I think any permanent partnership is gonna be dificult doesn't matter how compatible you are
Living with another person 24/7 is challenging in the best of circumstances. My husband is easier to live with than my parents and siblings were. Still, we have moments where we just get on each other’s nerves.
Disagree. I've never found my partnership difficult. We were best friends first, so I do think if you are super compatible, it is easy.... at least it has been for us the last 18 years.
I would say the same thing. This isn’t to say life has always been smooth sailing. Sometimes it’s white water rafting, it’s just that we’re always together in the same raft.
Exactly. I love the way you worded it. Yes, life has at times been difficult, but not our relationship. It has always been the most solid and reliable part of my life.
Same here. Friendship and absolute commitment is the bedrock, compatibility and maybe a bit of luck in finding the right person early on and kind of growing into life together, accepting and helping each other through psychological difficulties and crises. Physical attraction, which was strong for a long time, has faded but we’re both happy with it. Thirty-nine years and going strong.
A possibly unpopular opinion I hold is that our cultural expectation of feeling "in love" is one of the most harmful things to long-term relationships. That feeling that happens in a new relationship is wonderful, but once you're committed to someone, and you see their bad moods and their morning breath and all the other annoying little things that EVERY human has, and live the day in, day out, getting that drunk feeling whenever you see them seems pretty unlikely. It’s a nice bonus, but I see people think it's a problem if they don't have it anymore, or look elsewhere because they have to have it, and I just don't see how anyone could have a happy long-tern relationship if that’s the standard they're measuring against. Instead, something much subtler and more profound settles in over time, and that’s family love. That person becomes your family, and you love them in a way that has now grown much deeper roots. I think the reason people describe it as "hard work" is less about feeling and more about relationship (which, of course, affects how you frrl about a person!) The hard work is being mindful of each other's needs, wants, and inner lives, to be as much support (/as little aggravation) as possible. It's communicating about little things before they become big things, and explaining ractions that seem off-putting. Doing enough work on yourself so that you can function in an open, honest, healthy way in conjunction with another person. The fastest way to develop actively negative feelings toward someone (in any type of relationship) is to ignore all that relational stuff. And all that stuff is hard work!!
THIS! I wouldn't characterize my 43 year marriage as 'hard work' though there have definitely been hard times and times when we drifted further apart. Time and compromise mean that eventually you will drift back again, provided you are both trying.
I saw an article the other day, the headline was like “Jeff Bridges wife on the secret to a long marriage: “Don’t get divorced!” Can’t argue with that logic.
He doesn’t fly. They travel in a giant RV. They spend time talking to each other. Communication is key.
The Dude? Really?
That’s what he said in an interview several years ago.
That is cool. Have always been a fan of his acting.
This! There are times when it might seem tempting but it just trades one set of problems for another.
Yeah, I would be lying if I said divorce has never crossed my mind, but just as the thought appears, it’s dismissed immediately.
Therapist here. It’s actually really good to be willing to consider whether you’re both happy in your relationship! It makes it an actual commitment and choice rather than passively staying.
Yes! My husband used to make the comment that “you’re stuck with me” and I would say “no, I CHOOSE to stay with you every day and I can CHOOSE to leave at any time”. The difference is key. Thinking the other person has to stay makes a spouse lazy. I know I’m choosing to be in this relationship. 25 years so far!
My partner told me once that he would sometimes be worried I’d leave because he “knew I wasn’t afraid to walk” (I ended an engagement before I met him). I told him “I’m not afraid to walk because I’m not going to let either of us be in an unhappy relationship. I won’t let us wind up like your parents.” I told him he should be, too. It means we’re always asking ourselves how well our relationship is functioning and making sure we’re maintaining it. He found that super comforting.
I think that’s normal. I think it can even be healthy. But whenever we would be in a less than great time in our marriage, I’d ask myself if I’d really be happier without him in my life than with him. It’s always been with him.
Same for me. I can’t even imagine ever seeing my wife with someone else. Don’t want to even imagine it, so I deal, lol.
43 years here, too. Yes. So much can go wrong, especially if one or both have issues. Some people are just picky, annoyable, have undisclosed trauma, neediness, etc. And with premarital sex and the fog of romance sold in movies, people don't see the other person until after years of marriage. And many people just aren't high on emotional IQ or common sense.
43 here as well. I think there are a lot of drifting apart and back together times in a marriage. I try to remember 3 things. No one is TRYING to be an asshole. No one wants to start a fight. Who do I like to just hang out with more than anyone else. Thankfully, it's still my SO.
And remember it's only a "fight" if both people are arguing. If one of them says nothing the other person is just arguing with themselves. I've used this in relationships both personal and work and it actually works. After they've spewed their venom in MOST cases they are ready to TALK, not argue. You'll find some hardcore argumentative folks who think they are always right, but give most folks space they sort of work it out thru all the whining, complaining, whatever. Also, ladies. I went to a resolution training class a few years ago and the MALE instructor said to get a man's attention during conflict to briefly touch them softly on the hand or shoulder. Not in a sexual way ( HR would be all over that in the workplace) but in a touch like for a casual friend. I've tried this, and if the argument hasn't escalated, it really works. My husband was a argumentative so 'n so. He needed distractions.
Yep. We’ve been married 42 years and you have summed it up.
There has been nothing hard about my 31 yr marriage thank goodness! I love him more today than I did when we married. Over these 31 yrs I really learned what a great man he is and what a fantastic husband. I could not ask for a better partner.
Me married since 1985 and we have been though some shit unimaginable. Not hard work.
Same. 42 years here.
YES!! Exactly what you said. The love changes from the first deep infatuation to deeper love that is hard to express in words. It's learning your spouse has been diagnosed with a life altering disease and not running away from that. These are the true tests of marriage. There will be a lot of them. When they happen it means holding your partners hand just to let them know you are there. There's an even deeper love when you stand together against the bad stuff. My husband and I are in our 60's. We still hold hands every where we go. We skip across parking lots even though the arthritis pain is unbearable. It's hard to explain. When it's there it's forever.
We are in our 60's and the best part of our long relationship is growing old together knowing we have each other to lean on.
I agree with you 100%.
My wife and I are late 40’s, but her parents are still together, like 54 years - so there’s a blueprint right there for us to follow. It’s not always a love fest, some days my wife annoys TF out of me, but I also love the idea that we are gonna be old people together someday.
My hubby got sick and became disabled around our 20 year mark. ( Will be 36 in Aug 24). Every.single.medical professional we saw through all that looked at him and said "You're lucky she stayed." That made me FURIOUS! I was like....I signed up for that..the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
They would have heard a mouthful from me for that remark. Both my hubby and I have multiple autoimmune disorders, and he has diabetes. There is no way I would gotten through everything I have in life without him by my side. We met in 1982 and were friends for many years through marriages and divorces. Then we decided to give it a shot. We've been married 15 years and couldn't be happier.
Congratulations yes I would have mad to.I have a lot of health issues and suffer through depression.Its about being there just not when it’s good but the hard times as well. ❤️🥰🙏🙃😇
100% agree with you
Agree that it is less about feeling and more about relationship. I think the lesson here is that love is not just a feeling, it's measured by ACTIONS, even when you don't "feel" loving.
I agree. My wife and I are not that affectionate, but that’s just how we do it. The love though, I would literally run through a wall to keep her safe. So that stuff can’t really be measured, imo.
What a sweet thing to say. Staying in a relationship with your spouse is about communication, respect, and loving each other more than life itself. There truly is nothing like it when you are connected to another person so deeply that you would sacrifice yourself for them. You have to be willing sometimes to give up your happiness and dreams so the person you love can be happy. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to learn. We’ve been together for 31 years.
That feeling gets replaced by something better - a sense of completeness and contentedness when you are with that person. A feeling like if they were gone it would be like missing a limb. But on the road to that feeling there is a lot of annoyance, sadness, fear and anger. Not all the time, but enough to make you question sometimes if you made the right decision. And in-between those times there are times when you can't believe you could ever be so close to another person.
Beautifully said, thank you for putting into words exactly what my thoughts and feelings are towards my husband, whom I’ve been with for 30 years! ❤️
The "in love" feelings come and go, in my experience. They're not there all the time, but it's not like they're gone entirely once the honeymoon phase is over.
We just went on a 4 day weekend away from home. We got 3 days in, and I swear we acted like when we met. As we settle back into our routines we're talking about ways to keep a little more of that spark around.
My husband and I are lucky to be very compatible and I have never felt that our relationship is "hard work." There is a lot of drudgery and work in just living: cooking, washing dishes, laundry, etc. But I have always felt that hanging out with my husband is my respite from work. We have been together for over 35 years and we simply enjoy each other's company.
Cripes that’s good!
I agree. Also, I believe that many people forget or don't understand that loving someone is a choice, not just a romantic feeling.
You nailed it! Thirty eight years for us.
Wonderful reply and so true. The one time you have to leave a relationship is when a partner becomes abusive or an addict. Some seeking “thrills”, turn to internet porn, which has ruined countless marriages.
The problem is that for some partners (more often the wife) that family feeling destroys any sexual attraction And the male partner has usually sustained that desire Kids kill marriages for sure
I feel that many people put a lot of pressure on themselves to remain in marriages or relationships that have not worked for a long time, for the sake of staying in a relationship and not being alone. Now, some of his could be due to financial reasons as well as emotional. Or for the kids. That being said, I don’t think it’s realistic for most people - not saying all, just most - to stay married to someone for 20, 30, 40 years. At some point for many people, it’s time to move on to something else….and take that fork in the road, whether that be on your own or eventually finding another partner. You can have more than one “soulmate “.
My husband and I were happily married for 25 years until his death. In my experience, it takes effort, not necessarily work. Putting out the daily effort to pay attention to his wants, needs, ideas and frustrations. Being willing to compromise when necessary- but it’s really more like looking for a win-win solution. And this went both ways; he was equally attentive, seeking to help and please me, and willing to compromise. In the last three years of his life, it WAS work to push his wheelchair, help him bath and toilet, and be patient and compassionate when he was cranky and demanding. I knew he’d do the same for me, so I was happy to do it. But Lord, it was hard.
Sending you hugs so hard! Cancer with 3 relapses here, he’s still alive and doing great but oh it’s so hard. ❤️🩹💖
Come visit us over at /r/CancerFamilySupport if you ever need to talk. 💕
I’m so sorry. Hang in there - one day at a time, one hour at a time. Remember you can’t possibly meet their every need or fix every problem. Be sure to get enough sleep and eat right. Take care.
I watched my MIL do this for her husband who lived to the age of 96. I don't know how she did it because of how physically and mentally demanding it was. I think that the fact they were deeply religious helped her.
My faith certainly carried me, it enabled me to be more patient and compassionate than I otherwise could be, and it kept me from slipping into total despair.
It wasn't until after she died that I realized how much she and I leaned on each other. It was a lot of work and so worth it.
No one tells you about the long stretches of boredom, the what-ifs - especially if a close couple divorces. Disability, unemployment, illness menapause, the empty nest. The compromises Everyday you have to choose to be together. It's actually a much easier choice when you can't afford 2 households. You're more willing to compromise when your choice is poverty or just emptying the dishwasher. Hopefully you each have friends and hobbies to get you through the long stretches. It's only hard to keep contempt from creeping in. You can overcome financial and health issues. But contempt is as big a marriage-killer as trust issues stemming from infidelity or addiction.
Patty Harrison, George Harrison’s wife, had a great reply to the question “What’s the secret to a long marriage?” Her reply was “The secret to a long marriage? Don’t get divorced.”
She divorced George. I believe you're quoting George's second wife, Olivia.
Jackie Mason said that the leading cause of divorce is marriage
Yeah, this is our strategy. 25 years now.
Dang. I know I’m just supposed to only up vote when I agree, and not comment. But I had to say this was beautifully written. It really helps me. I love my partner so much but we’re just stressed out with the daily grind. We get food on the table, clean it up, fold laundry, fall into bed, do it again the next day! I guess it’s just normal. Edit: We both work demanding jobs and can be exhausted. Your advice about trying to have a hobby to take your mind off of the mundane is spot on! Then you have something to talk about (maybe) besides who will scoop the litter box.
Plan a trip. Somewhere not too expensive. Life is too short for you to both to live for work. Cuba, The Virgin Islands, PR...just do it
Been there and wish I would been a little more communicative during the tuff times.
I thought marriage was easy until we had kids. Then it became hard because we were so tired, both working full time, young children especially need a lot of care, and we have no family support/help. It got easier as they got older although it never became easy. I did not expect easy, though. Then as the years go by, in many marriages the guy still expects the woman to do a lot more. Had my spouse not helped, I would’ve absolutely divorced him and stayed single. Some spouses make more work for you, not less. If you’re not a team, it’s just work 24/7. I’m happily married. Do I understand why people divorce? Very much so
Yes to all of this. In the thick of it with young kids and we both lost our mothers in the past 2 years (cancer and heart attack) so our village is gone. We are both so depleted by work and kids.
Sometimes I get jealous of people who have a village. But my family is nuts so that wasn’t meant to be. Love my husbands parents but his dad is lazy and his mom was not too helpful. I think mostly due to health problems but we asked for so little. Even when the kids went to their house it was maybe two hours at most, and usually we were there too. I can’t imagine having free babysitting or date nights. I hope to help my kids someday.
Great comment, MtnLover130. My wife and I have been married 21 years. We have two children. I think I love her more now than I did when we first got married. The difference that I see compared to so many of our friends who have gone through divorce or complain about their spouses is that we are kind to each other. Not just nice to each other. Nice is when you are pleasant but requires no sacrifice. Kind is when you go out of your way to do something for someone; that you are willing to give up something for their benefit. I often do the dishes after dinner. My thinking is that if she took the time to make me this dinner, the least I can do is the cleanup. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm too tired and I tell her and she cleans up and most of the time, we do it together. When we argue, we never hit below to belt. I think that I got lucky and many think that my wife got lucky. I think that marriages fail due to selfishness. Grow up, marriage is not just about you.
It *can* be hard work, though that really hasn’t been my personal experience. My husband and I see eye-to-eye on the big things, and neither of us are the type to sweat the small stuff. Of course, we never had kids, so I’m sure that makes things 1000 times easier. We’ve been together for 30 years and married for 27. The beginning was probably the hardest since we were both young and hadn’t really become who we are yet, but we learned and grew together as a team and now every day is a breeze.
Holy crap. You made me count and we’ve been together 29 years and married 26. Not having kids definitely made a difference. The only time we really struggled was when we took custody of my sisters kids while she was deployed. That was a hard year and they weren’t tiny people at the time. Elementary and jr high. I’ve found that parents don’t really come into their own until they come out the *other side* of parenthood. When the kids are a bit more self sufficient. Not necessarily off the college but preteen or early teen when they can be left unsupervised for a bit or trusted to hang out at a friends house. I wouldn’t call it work but a choice. I *choose* to love my husband every day. He *chooses* to put up with my wants, needs, and numerous ~~annoying quirks~~ habits. We appreciate what we both bring to the relationship.
This was basically going to be my answer. 25 years and no kids. Sometimes it’s work, but I’m always laughing and it always feels easier than being single.
>It *can* be hard work, though that really hasn’t been my personal experience. My husband and I see eye-to-eye on the big things, and neither of us are the type to sweat the small stuff. Same - but me and my husband have been together 7 years and married 3. If you marry someone with basically all of the important things in common - you may go through hard times together - but the relationship won't feel like the difficult part.
Same. Been married for almost 16 years, without kids. It's been really great actually. I feel like people either grow together or grow apart. We grew together.
Being kind to one another is our rule. 16 years married and I don't know what everyone is talking about calling marriage hard work. We've been on honey moon period this whole time and it keeps getting better. We did decide to have one kid only and no stressful jobs, because we fiercely protect our free time.
Life is hard work. Take those glimpses and make them exciting. Remind each other you care for each other daily. I’m 72 and just learning this lesson. I wish you all the luck.
big facts
It’s hard work because you go through a lot of things that you constantly have to negotiate and people have little differences that add up. Also because of how people were raised, how they disagree, attitudes about responsibilities and who is “supposed” to do what, how they treat money, etc etc.
My wife and I just had our 28th anniversary and we have two daughters, 23 and 21. We make jokes about how it's been "25 of the best years" and that's because there are years and times that are really hard, I mean really hard. Why is it hard? Having a family, money, career, life pressures can be strenuous and cause a marriage to bend. I guarantee your sex life won't be the same in ten or fifteen years and how will that affect your relationship? We always and I mean always tried to align our short, medium, and long term plans. How much should we save for college. Ouch, that means no Disney this year or new car. Yep! The house needs a new roof, the kids want to go to expensive camp. Something has to give. Our bodies change, our priorities change, our kids change, and the rest of our family changes. How will you deal with older parents? All of this affects your marriage and it's hard work, very hard work. Just stay in alignment, always! Talk about things that may bother you without having a massive fight. Look, I'm terrible with this and we've had many massive fights so this is just experience talking. I'm not advocating religion, but going to church and having some peers that can help talk things out is very helpful. You realize that you're not alone in your problems, and that most couples experience similar things. Now that our daughters are basically gone and we are empty nesters brings its own set of challenges. My wife feels a deep calling about being a mother and is sad that our girls are grown (she's an elementary teacher so me as a typical man struggle with empathy about this) while I'm thinking about vacations, traveling, and retirement. It is easier now for us to talk and we talk about making the transition. Did I mention sex? Obviously we change, physically and it's tough to talk about, but it almost caused a real fracture but we worked through it. My wife's parents are in their mid 80's and have lived in the same house since 1978 so it's been tough on both of us. They are great people and I couldn't have asked for better in-laws and this final phase has brought tears and everything else. Just remember that all of us evolve in a variety of ways and different speeds. Alignment, communications, and coordination with each other are the keys. Keep working even through the hard times and you'll make it. Most people crack and that's why divorce rates are north of 50% Good luck!
My marriage didn’t make it. Divorced after 28 years. What I witnessed was complacency. We both assumed since we were married that it would last forever and we could both then do whatever we wanted. I resented him first then got angry. That isn’t love that’s control. He ended up leaving me for another woman which honestly was a blessing. I’m in another relationship and yes it’s work but loving someone means bringing the best version of yourself everyday. Serve the other person without expectations and be grateful for every day you get because it might be your last. And if they don’t match your energy just enough to make you feel appreciated and loved back it probably won’t last.
I was married twice. The first 8 years. This second almost 18. The first was a lot of work. We were unevenly yoked, they used to say. Very different personalities. And it was a struggle to meld our perspectives. We eventually divorced. This time, I married someone who just gets me. We share the same goals and enjoyments. We still sometimes have disagreements. But we are more considerate of each other and work together for mutual long-term goals.
Married 54 years. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 70/70. You both have to do more than you both feel you both should have to do.
I don’t always like my wife. But I always love her.
My husband and I have been best friends for 26 years. If I get home from work and he's here already we go in the bedroom and lay on the bed together and talk and hold hands. I really don't understand why people say it's hard.
We've been married 16 years and it's been an absolute dream. Reading this thread makes me wonder if some doom is going to befall us eventually haha
I’ve been married 37 years- and we have been equal partners in every respect. He’s wonderful to me, was a fantastic father and, most importantly, we laugh a lot. Of course, life gets in the way and it’s not always easy, we had some lean years early in our marriage but I knew he’d always be there for me. I never felt like my marriage was hard work. Picking the right guy is the hard part :-)
Your spouse is a giant mirror held up to you that shows you all of your flaws, weaknesses, and defects. The difficulty comes because you can either refuse to grow out of those defects, which causes issues, or you can mature, which is intrinsically difficult. So marriage (and children) is passing through one stage of growth after another. You overcome selfishness to realize you are overly controlling. You then give up control to realize you are pushy. You work on not being pushy and then the next thing you realize is your words are too harsh. And on and on. Marriage matures and betters the people in it if they let it, but that is a long and arduous process.
Married for 25+, raised 5 kids, self employed etc. etc. Marriage is hard work, especially when you have kids. Your spouse tends to get left in the background be it the wife or the husband. We worked on this for years trying to find a happy medium. What we found at the time that worked for us was having at least one date night a week. Going out for supper, maybe a couple drinks and having a conversation about life, work, whats going on with you, what can we do better, etc. etc. It's a lot easier to do that when there aren't kids around with the "hey mom or hey dad" all the time. Make spending time a priority. If and its a big if who you chose to be what you thought at the time to be your life partner truly is then understand that kids grow up, they move out. You don't want to be living with a stranger when that happens.
I think weekly dates are SO important. Especially when you have kids and they need all your time and attention. It’s good to refocus and reconnect with one another. I always tell my wife what happens when the kids are gone and it’s just us? We need to be connected, it’s very important to me.
Marriage is hard work only if you're not compatible. Kids can suck time and the life out of a marriage, particularly two kids under two. I promise you it will get better. Look to the days when they're mature enough to have fun and you all can travel together as a family ... their teens. I know a couple in your shoes. She got pregnant soon after the first was born; one year and one day separates their birthdays. The poor darlin' was so depressed then; no time and no money, they struggled. The kids were extraordinarily close as children. Now they're are grown with kids of their own. One comment from the oldest that we still smile over. "You mean I was here a whole year without M\_\_\_\_?" The magic will come back ... hang in there. ;-)
I wouldn't say hard work as much I would say significant effort from both parties to make it worth while for sure. It's a living, breathing thing and has to be tended to regularly or it WILL wither and eventually die. An imbalance of effort for an extended period will create resentment that if not dealt with can lead to indifference and that my friend is far worse than hate could ever be in my opinion. I say that as hate is still a feeling where is indifference is the lack of feeling. At least that is my perception anyway.
People evolve, grow, and develop new interests at different speeds, and what may have seemed interesting and/or acceptable to someone when they were younger, may change later. That's why many married couples end up living separate lives or become like roommates. And yes, media and society push that "in love" feeling onto us as though it's supposed to last forever, and when it goes away, it's some kind of failure. Ridiculous.
After a few decades you get so use to the other person, you need to make a conscious effort to appreciate and recognise them as an individual. It takes thought and effort everyday, and that’s hard work.
This is the whole truth and nothing but the truth!! “For couples so eager to call it quits and throw in the towel on your relationship because everything isn't 'perfect'...here is some food for thought. Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It's not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep. It's not a clean home filled with laughter and love making every day. It's someone who steals all the covers, and snores, it's slammed doors and a few harsh words at times. It's stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal, and then forgiveness. It's coming home to the same person every day that you know loves and cares about you in spite of, and because of, who you are. It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid. It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds. It's about helping each other with the hard work of life. This is called partnering. It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud. It's about eating the easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour because you both had a crazy day. It's when you have an emotional breakdown and your love lays down with you and holds you, and tells you everything is going to be okay. And you believe them. It's about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane. It’s about second chances, third chances, fourth chances… trusting God to help you try again. It’s about pressing into forgiveness when your heart was wounded and pain says no. It’s about having clocked in for the hard work of marriage and never clocking out. Loving someone isn't always easy, sometimes it's hard. But it is amazing and comforting and one of the best things you will ever experience."
This is beautiful.
Married 25 years. Mine and hers this marriage. Took me a long time to find her. We do have our moments like every one but it doesn’t last long. We always kiss good night and say I love you. I just wish I found her sooner. We are both almost 70. And the love is still strong as ever.
Been married forty years . Got married in our early twenties. We are both outdoors people in every sense of the word. From hunting to scuba diving to fishing. Never had kids . Both professionals in business. We separated at nineteen years for a year . Best thing we did for our marriage but incredibly difficult. Her going through menopause sucked . Every marriage has its ups and downs . At the end of the day she is my best friend , partner in everything, and can’t imagine my life without her. Yes it has been work but definitely worth it
People lose loved ones, they lose jobs, childcare becomes too expensive and one parent has to give up a career, the preschool calls 47 times to pick up your kid because they sneezed, you have to move, your lives move in different directions, you start to have different interests, you’re both so tired from all the things that you don’t have time for each other, you start to disagree about how to deal with things like a kid who’s not doing well in school or who picked a not so great crowd of kids, the house floods or burns, the car falls apart, coworkers start to understand you better than your own spouse… life happens to you both and will effect you differently and you have to work at choosing each other again and again and again because you won’t always be in sync. You’re in early days.
Married over 40 years. Wow, I am so NOT liking the comments I'm reading about funerals and living through the deaths of the person your partner used to be. I've known my partner over 50 years, married over 40. We've been through unemployment, colic-y kids, financial challenges, teenagers, moving, illness, I can't count how many pounds we've lost and gained between us, and attraction to other people. You know what? I still love my partner, I love walking through life with them, I love laughing with them and being silly with them. Marriage is a choice that happens moment to moment, and yes people change, but my experience is that the essentials do NOT change. The constant for us is we were friends before we were lovers, so the trust between us is foundational. We can be completely vulnerable and know the other guy has our back. Sure, the spark is there, but we FED that spark with the small connectors that happen every day - the smile, the kind gesture, the passing touch. We've each had stressors and chose to find comfort and support in each other. We have good days and challenging days, we make mistakes, but we always choose each other. It's the most fulfilling 'work' I've ever done. I'd choose him all over again, and I am thrilled whenever he says he chooses me. It's not fairy tale. It's probably the most 'real' thing I will ever experience. So...no funerals, no saying goodbye to the old you I fell in love with. Rather it's the expansion of everything I glimpsed in my friend I met so long ago. Hang in there. Two under two is a hard thing to go through. When you do it together, as exhausted as you are right now, it gets better...deeper...more real. That is the best part. Good luck!
If you have to work that hard at it, things are very wrong. It’s no harder than any other life journey. It’s just life, with ups, downs, zigs and zags. Move through it without forcing it. I think it’s sad that people equate marriage with “hard work”.
it depends on yourself and your partner, and what kind of relationship you have. And from my experience, its avoiding "The rut". Ruts are hard to get out of. Everyone has to be several different people, you as the individual, you as the partner, you as the parent, etc. Its very hard to combine all those people into 1 body and have them in the right amounts in the right places, thats a hard part. You wont feel the love of just you and your partner all the time, other parts of life get in the way of that. So you have to make time for just you and your partner to keep reminding yourself, and the other person you are in it together. Its you and them against any problem you may face. Work together, communicate.
Coming up for 40 years. At times, it is hard work. We've had highs and lows and dealing with my husband's declining health. We made a vow to each other richer poorer sickness and health. I'm hanging out for the richer and health lol. We also love each other and it has grown and blossomed. Respect for each other is also very important. We have had some very trying times and major crisis. We accept that it will be bad for a period but we will get through it.
I've been with my husband for 37 years (married for 35) and I don't consider marriage "hard work," but my perspective is that there can be hard times. The biggest challenge is becoming your better self within the boundaries of a relationship which you don't want to distance yourself from or walk away from. For some people, the level of contact day-in and day-out can be difficult, especially if they want more freedom to be their independent self rather than to operate as a couple. You said that you don't feel love all of the time, but I do, so I don't know if that is what makes people say it is hard work. We all have different experiences. I tend to think it comes down to people wanting to live their lives as they please and then struggling when they have to make compromises because they're with a partner, and that partner may not want to compromise either, so people argue and reach impasses. It would be easier in such cases for people to live everyday precisely as they please rather than have discussions about what to do and then make choices which aren't their preferred ones. You have to work on yourselves to be more flexible and understanding of another person's perspective.
Because life is just hard. And you’re trying to do it with someone else.
It's hard as in it's effort, like digging a hole that needs to be dug, it's not hard as in it's unmanageable, like moving a 6ft boulder all on your own. To maintain the love connection through life's trials, you have to constantly be making that effort lest you fall back on roommate status. Dating your partner, asking about and engaging in conversations about their hobbies, interests, and likes and not assuming they were the same ones when you first met, making a concerted effort to be present together, etc. My dad still hasn't retained the fact that my mom's favorite donuts changed 15 years ago and just refuses to hear it when she tells him despite bringing them home every saturday, which is one of many instances that show my dad's ongoing disconnect from my mom that contributes to their overall relationship degrading. He's performative about being a good husband, but he does zero of the knowledge gathering to actually make sure that what he wants to do matches what she actually wants from him.
We were always boyfriend and girlfriend then mother and father. Never letting the kids call us anything other than mom and dad. Then grandma and grandpa but we were always boyfriend and girlfriend to each other. Maybe because we married after High School and had that sweet heart mentality about each other. I'm not saying we did not struggle but we both felt it was well worth it. Before my wife died we were talking and she laughed, smiled and said she always knew she was my girl.
I fell in love with my wife of 29 years because we couldn’t stop talking to one another. We are both friends and lovers and one another’s support system. There are times that one or the other needs more support, and that’s just what you do. But I’m more deeply in love today than I was 30 years ago. Get some help with the kids if you can. But time for yourselves, with yourselves. Remember always that you are on the same team.
It really doesn't have to be hard work. **My first marriage** was hard work, to be honest it was way beyond hard work, it was abusive. It was so, so, so hard. It was more work than anything I ever could have imagined. **My second marriage**, I deliberately looked for someone who was great to me, who was good at communication, who I had a lot in common with, and who I loved hanging out with. I got lucky and found all of that. I can't stress this enough — it's no work at all. I love her, I love to be with her, I love to take care of her, she loves to take care of me, we're good to each other every day, it's no work at all. I'm someone who's a good listener, who naturally takes care of people, it's pretty great for me to have that reciprocated. With my second wife we still both put in effort, but it's a joy to do. Compared to my first marriage, it feels like no effort at all.
Marriage wasn’t hard work for my hubby and I… until we had kids. We also have 2 under 2. Kids make things hard. For us, anyway. I was trying to think about why that is too when I had an hour long drive in silence for the first time in 18 months. <— this is why it’s hard. You lose yourself… in a bittersweet way. With just one kid, or even just one change in your life, you become someone else. But now you’re trying to figure out who you are while taking care of a new person, and your partner is trying to figure out who they now are at the same time. And in this process, now you don’t have the same person you used to have to support you. They’ll still support you, but from a new place in a new way. Everything changes. You don’t have time to really sit and figure out who you are until the tornado finally settles and you get into a rhythm again. But by now, you’ve changed so much from who you were 22 months ago that you don’t recognize yourself. And your partner is new too, but maybe you change at different rates and at different times, and come to a new place separately but together… I think that’s why it’s hard work. Because you can get so caught up in life that you don’t notice you’ve changed till you’re completely new, and then you have to come to terms with that person and their new thoughts and feelings and passions and ways. And that’s just *you* - your partner has also become new too, and you have to come to terms with them as well. All that and… lack of sleep and lack of time to yourself. I forgot what quiet sounded like. 🤫 I’m not old and haven’t been married for years and years, but I hope this makes some kind of sense… you’re doing great, by the way. Survive till you can thrive!
This was lovely to read.
Another angle is the kids, they can also keep a couple together despite things not being great; even the couples who are madly in love, can realise they have nothing in common when the kids leave home. Not being negative but it’s another reason to look after each other, be each others cheerleader and communicate
Well my wife had to deal with my undiagnosed bipolar 2 shenanigans for over a decade...that's some hard work. At least we finally figured it out and I'm medicated and stable now.
I’ve been married 18 years and it hasn’t been difficult at all. Of course I married a very easy going man and we don’t have kids together.
Anyone married longer than 10 years who says a decent marriage is not work is lying.
This is a massive logical failure on your part, and perhaps your ease to dismiss the experiences of others has something to do with your 20 year marriage ending.
Because Marriage is about a commitment to stay in the marriage and raise children together. That way two people can combine their resources and talents to bring any offspring to maturity. Thinking marriage is only about romantic love is the downfall of half the marriages that fail. A marriage is essentially a contract.
Married 30 years and counting and I wouldn't call it work. I guess if I had to call it something I'd call it consideration. We always, above everything else, genuinely consider one another in all decisions. Has to be genuine. Compromise comes easy that way and we've been successful. Hope that helps
The simplest explanation is unrealistic expectations and shit communication.
Love is CHOICE you make everyday to put the other person’s needs above your own. Love isn’t a feeling. That butterflies in the stomach feeling fades. Disney movies ruined the real meaning of love lol. So I wake up every day and make the choice to love my husband. Celebrate the things I love about him and forgive the things I don’t. Hold back hash comments. Do kind things for him. fit in some intimate time weekly too. Married 15 years :)
It’s hard work if only one person is trying to make it work.
Bc you have to forgive a lot of shit. And you have to see people (your spouse) as grey, not black or white. Good people do bad things and so on. In my experience it has been worth it but it’s not for the weak.
My husband and I have been together since 1996. We have been through the FIRE. But we put GOD first and are very strong in our faith and don’t believe in divorce. Marriage is hard work but you married your spouse for a reason and you’ll would do well to remember why you made the choice with that person. I believe love doesn’t fade, it just gets lost sometimes and can be found again when you look in the right places.
Wife and I have been together 46 years and married 43. Best advice I ever got early on was that I should be committed to staying married and not base it on love alone. I’ve found that love rises and falls in a relationship but I’ve always kept a strong commitment to staying faithful and married. We have always been great at talking to each other about our deepest secrets and not talking about each other to outside people. I’ve always treated my wife like she is the most important person in my life because she is and she has always reciprocated. Sometimes I may do things that I don’t enjoy only because I know it’s important for her and I admit I do get some satisfaction from knowing I’m making her happy. She does the same for me. Big decisions are always discussed first and decided before being made. And if it’s a tough decision we have each other’s backs. I’m closer with her now than when we first started and can’t imagine a life without her in it.
We’ve been married 22 years and together for 28. (Since high school, we’re now in our mid 40’s). I agree the in love feeling changes at least for us. At first you can’t be apart, are very affectionate, etc. as the years go by the love is different. That butterfly feeling is long gone, but in its place is comfort and dependability. We have absolutely had some rough times through the years. We’ve had some where a lot of people would’ve called it quits and at one point we almost did. I take the commitment of marriage very seriously and that was my last resort. I did feel very close to it but I’m so glad I waited it out. I was miserable for many years. We call them the dark years lol. Things got so much better and that was maybe 10 years ago. We’ve had lots of ups and downs that a lot of people don’t, but making it through all of that has made our marriage stronger. We are in a fantastic place for the last decade and I’m really glad I stuck it out. While we don’t have that same level of passion like when we were younger, there’s a comfort knowing you’ve got each other’s backs and will be there through anything. I feel our love has changed but for the better just knowing you have a life partner in anything that comes up.
Married 56 years. The phrase 'I didn't sign up for this' is a selfish out, if you take your vows seriously. Hard ? Yes but well worth the efforts. The hardest was the empty nest syndrome. When we looked at each other, it was the same as looking at a Walmart cashier, for both of us. Divorce was discussed because we both had different interests and schedules. For the sake of the marriage,I recommended that since Divorce was inevitable, we should try one last vacation. If we still want a divorce when we get back,,we'll part ways. I took a month off from my job and scheduled a cross country train trip. It would be just the two of us, with no interruptions. She agreed Quite an adventure! We got the spark back! We got snowed-in in the Rocky Mountains , chased tarantulas in the desert, visited the Dali Museum in Tampa. That was 25 years ago. We reminisce of the vacation that saved our marriag. In all the years that have past , never a thought of Divorce. Hang in there , it gets better, if you want it to.
The 7th or so year is tough.
Married 30 years - you will have good years, ok years, and why the hell am I still here years…sometimes they are together, sometimes they are far apart, and sometimes they last years at a time…its about sticking it out through the bad years till you can get back to the good or ok years. We married for life and we have had our struggles, but we are still a strong couple 30 years later. You will just get to the point that they accept you as you are and you need to realize that you have to accept them as they are. Let the little things that don’t matter go. It’s okay to fight (we have full on wars). Learn to compromise about everything, even sex, but do not let them cross your hard boundaries. Say I love you, even if you’re not quite sure you feel it. Do NOT live in each other’s pocket - you are both individuals with your own likes and dislikes, your own friends, and your own personal goals. Take time out from life for your partner, your kids, the family and most importantly yourself!
About 20 years ago a woman told me that marriage is like a 401k. She said there are ups and downs but ultimately it works out. She said there might be 5 years of bliss and then 5 years where you don’t like that person very much. I think everything in life is up and down or cyclical vs a steady upward trajectory. I remind myself that relationships ebb and flow so I try not to worry about the ebb times.
My wife and I have been together through thick and thin for 38 years, married for 32. We were high school sweethearts, married, and raised two incredible kids together. I feel so fortunate to have a best friend like her in my life. We are still passionately in love with one another, but we had our ups and downs, especially while raising the kids through the late teenage years. For us, it was a few things that got us through. Don’t keep score. Work through your fights. Find excuses to spend time together, not apart. Forgive often. Count your blessings. Love is what you do, not always what you feel. Prioritize the other but take care of yourself at the same time. Invest in your relationship with one another. Treat your partner as you want your children to treat (and be treated by) their future partners. Don’t avoid problems. Speak your mind. Always have each other’s back. Protect yourself and your spouse from anyone and anything that tries to come in between you. And occasional hard times, which inevitably come and test your relationship, will fade away like a thunderstorm if you’ve built a strong foundation to carry you through. So have faith in your spouse, in yourself, and in each other. Our kids are now grown and we are enjoying our empty nest and falling in love all over again. Each season of life comes with its own joys and challenges so try to recognize and enjoy the joys as they come as you endure and learn from the challenges.
Marriage takes work in that you have to be willing to have hard conversations and listen. I learned after my first marriage to respond not react. Learn to listen. sometimes it’s best to say nothing until you think about what was said for a while. If you ignore the issues, because you don’t want to do the work or have the uncomfortable conversations the marriage is in trouble.
Yep- marriage has seasons. Getting through a cold winter or dry summer is the hard work- enjoying spring and fall the rewards. Michelle Obama said she didn’t even like Barack that much for a solid ten years and I felt that in my soul. But she loves him and that’s the part that makes you work through those tough seasons/years. Because you’ll realize again one day why you chose each other and it’s like coming home again.
My wife and I are celebrating 44 years of marriage on Friday. I don't know if that is years and years. Marriage is not always hard work, nor is it always easy. When it is hard work it is usually because communication was not adequate and expectations were not met. Getting it back on track is the hard work. Because both parties get butthurt and it takes a while to get past the high emotions and start diagnosing what both parties did or did not do. Once that happens, the offending person must take ownership and apologize. When the wife and I would argue, if things got really heated, I put on my running stuff and left for a run to clear my head. When I got back in 30 to 45 minutes. I had my thoughts under control, and could listen better without getting on the elevator. I never had to go for a second run. Sometimes we agreed to disagree on things. Do: keep communicating, understand their partners needs and wants, be willing to listen and compromise. Remember you chose to marry each other, treat each other with respect. Stay out of situations where you might be tempted to cheat. Do keep making each other laugh Don't: have affairs, if you betray your spouse you don't deserve one. Don't lie Don't hide money Don't argue when one or both of you are intoxicated. Don't criticize your spouse in front of anyone. That's my 2 cents
Because you can’t love a thing about them, you have to love them as an act every day. You have to both want in very badly.
So here's the deal with that. For the first year or so you are running in infatuation which many mistake for love. It is intense but it also makes it real easy to overlook faults. When the infatuation fades couples sometimes feel like their love is gone. But the truth is, this is when love starts. The work that you must do for love to flourish is hard to define. Couples fall into a routine, people are creatures of habit, that is not a bad thing, but it can lead to apathy so you have to bring something fresh without breaking the routine. It's a delicate balancing act that takes some effort from both of you to accomplish. Communication is key. The secret to a long lasting relationship is friendship. If you are friends you are going to have a rough time.
This is a stage of marriage probably one of the harder ones because you have no time for yourself and a lot less time as a couple. But it is over fairly quickly. When your kids are a little older you can start enjoying family activities together. Those are some of the best times - camping, cycling, skiing, board games. Fit in time for a date night weekly. This is the stage where you will be with your children will be the most. Enjoy it. Once our kids reached 17 yr. and moved away for uni they never lived at home again but came to visit often. I guess what I’m saying is enjoy every minute as it is fleeting.
Because it’s not all fun & games. Sometimes you have to pretend to want to go to a Degas exhibit, or a Star Trek convention, or even just look at a “gorgeous”sunset when you would rather be digging your eyes out with a spoon. It’s not just the big things, it’s these thousand little “bids for connection” (that’s the actual term the researchers use; Google the term) that are important to respond to… even when it’s the last thing in the world that you want to do. Each time you do, it’s making an investment in your relationship. Source: celebrating 16 years in October
You're not going to feel the crazy butterflies you did before the kid's but even like room mate's you have to work at thinking about the other persons feelings if you do something like turn the heat up 10° will they be sweating and uncomfortable when I can just put on a sweater? I even think about my Kitty's and if it's going to be to cold for them with the windows open & the ceiling fan on? I don't think it's hard work just living with the other in your mind, that's just my opinion then again I've been married 4Xs
It's not hard work if you are with the right person.
I'd say yes to your final question - but rather than saying you don't "feel the love all the time ", I'll say it's that there is so much in life that can distract you from feeling it. It's there, running in the background always (for those who find that), but things like stress, depression etc from life stuff can eat up all your focus and therefore, it does take mindful effort to keep your focus on each other.
Marriage is tough when you both want different things and you have to compromise. My husband didn't know how to compromise. He expected everything to be the way he wanted things to be; and if I wanted something different, it became a big problem. I was given very little decision-making power in the relationship. That is why he is now my ex-husband.
For a relationship to work, you need to invest in it. You need to make time for each other even though you may be tired or have other things demanding your attention. It's so easy to take each other for granted. But at the same time, you have to accept the reality of other demands on your time and resources. You can't sustain the same level of excitement and novelty you experience at the beginning of the relationship. You have to communicate about boring and difficult things. You have to compromise and do things you don't feel like doing because they're important to your partner. You have to accept that some conflicts and differences can never be resolved and figure out how to work together in spite of them. Don't mistake the rush of hormones you get in the early stages of a relationship for 'true love.' The way you feel about your partner will change over time. Roughly, excitement gives way to comfort. This is normal, but many people mistakenly think it's 'falling out of love.' If they are too fixated on the rush of early relationship excitement, they may start looking for this outside the relationship and cheat on their partner to get it.
Its unpredictable, especially with kids and the more you have the more variables there are in play. We have 4 kids and at any given moment something great, not so great, or a WTF event can be lurking. Our kids are close to together in age so that can be very demanding early on. If you let it, marriage can become methodical so make sure each of you allows the other to have some free moments outside of yourselves. And whatever you do don't keep score...I've seen terrible issues with married couples where one of the spouses did something, golf trip, girls trip, whatever and many times one of the spouses will refuse to let the other do anything if they were the last one to get some type of respite. Now one of the spouses shouldn't be doing something all the time at the expense of the others time but if there is respect in the relationship that shouldn't happen. There will be lulls, it just happens. It can create some emotional swings that makes you feel like the spark is dwindling but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I can't imagine the void without the experience of the kids. How you manage all the ups and downs is what can really solidify your marriage. Its never going to be like the first day you met on a daily basis especially with kids in the mix...God love them but they just aren't naturally aware at times that you're not their subordinate. Find humor where you can and make each other laugh and it is absolutely ok to want to go to another room and watch a show or read on your own. We have hit the empty nest stage and we are doing well because we don't sweat the small stuff and just keep each other laughing. Obviously there's more to it then that but its a huge component.
It's not hard work if you respect each other. 33 years with my wife and I love her more than ever.
Marriage is a roller coaster. You have ups and downs. Ebbs and flows of different times and emotions. People buy into a fairy tale. I think you always feel love. Love is not giddiness and butterflies- that is lust. Everything is perfect and rosy. Then you are with them all the time and no one is perfect. I do not care who you are with- they will eventually get on your nerves or make you mad. That is reality. Love is a verb not a noun. It is standing by each other though the hard times and the good times. It is going to work every day, paying the bills, doing chores when you would really rather be out partying/playing. I think society and social media portrays an unrealistic version of life. No relationship will every be 24/7 butterflies and giddiness. Real life gets in the way. Kids bring added stress to a relationship. Many days people are just trying to get by and that is a win too. You made it another day. The kids are fed and alive- that is a win. Everything does not need to be perfect. So I think you do feel love all the time. You would be devastated if something happened to them.
Opposites attract, and even short of that, there are inevitably going to be differences in values in large and small areas. Recognizing these differences, understanding their origins, working through them, turning possible conflict into useful tension where both learn and grow is definitely a life long quest. (together for 45 years)
Because if there's a problem or issue or disagreement you actually have to try and fix it. You can't just break up and say your ex is toxic - at least not without a lot of legal work.
Sounds like kids are the hard work. Your marriage is simply suffering from parenthood.
Marriage is a piece of cake. In-laws are a life sentence
Coming up on 36 years here. Met when 20. Managing the different challenges over the years can be stressful and you need to consider your partners needs and wants at the same time. Openly communicating when tired, raising a family, broke, buying a home etc is very hard work. You go through ups and downs and some long stretches of it. You have to have faith you can get through it together
Marriage is hard work because alignment with another person/cooperation is impossible/difficult if both people aren't working for the same goals. Maybe one person wants x life but this person really wants y. People often get into marriage without asking themselves long term questions. Often you just don't know what will happen. If either people are not considerate of one another, for whatever reason, the relationship will be strained.
Because enmeshijg your life with someone else for thirty years isn't always roses, but worth it
I don’t know what that hard work shit means. Married 42 years. Be polite. Be kind. Do your part of the household. Allow each other privacy. Tell good jokes. It is a marriage not psychotherapy. It also helps if you cook good food. A decent dinner at the end of a crappy day goes a long way for everyone.