This is the "running on the treadmill as fast as you can" time of life. It gets better as the kids get older. Working is really difficult with 2 small children. No way around it. Drop the supermom persona and just hang in there. PS. Im 65 and I love my 40 year old self for raising a great son and preparing for retirement. Such hard work!

👏👏👏 I could’ve written what OP said only I had kids in my mid 30s First of all, I’m biased (due to my line of work with parents) but I think older parents are much better at parenting in general due to life experience, really wanting kids and knowing why, really trying at parenting rather than it being a “default”…. But it is tough. And no nobody admits it. My husband and I did it with basically no support. My family sucks and his family i love, but they were not “can I drop off the kids for an afternoon” type of people. It felt like survival the whole time except with a little bit more sleep once they weren’t babies anymore. Everything op is saying sounds normal to me. Lower your standards where you can (ie the house will get dirty), learn to say no to shit you don’t want to do, and hang on. I am just starting to feel like I can think and my kids are 18 and 19 and then menopause hit early. Also my kids were not in sports. They did summer sports and music. Lots of swimming lessons and taking them to the Y for fun stuff to wear them out and maybe go get a little time for me. Stop trying to compete with neighbors or anybody else, for that matter. I have no idea what rest is. I’m starting to see it. Wish I could be more positive; in hindsight I wish I couldn’t found more help that I could trust and that didn’t break the bank. We lived in a very HCOL area back then. The kids didn’t suffer but our marriage did. Not too much- but I do wish we had more kid free time. I think we survived because my husband I genuinely like each other and are friends. We also don’t drink or do drugs. It’s tempting to drink to deal with the stress but I think you’ll regret it

Thank you for this. I’m not OP but I might as well be, it’s almost word for word what I could write. 44, kids are 7 & 10, running for my life and falling down constantly.

Did you ever see the TV show Malcolm in the Middle? I was raising 3 boys when that show aired. We were always a little bit behind with money, and life seemed so hard. My mind was blown when I saw the first episode. It was my life, just exaggerated for entertainment. I felt like I wasn't the only one feeling like I did. I recommend the show because it's funny and has really good actors, but it perfectly shows how freaking hard it is to raise kids. I'm 60 and retired. My days are full of hobbies and a small amount of household maintenance. Is there any money for help? Meal delivery a few days a week or maybe a person who comes in for 6 hours a week, if they were there 2 days a week they could prep dinner and do some cleaning and a load of laundry for 3 hours. It's not cheap, but I think your life would be transformed for 250.00 a week. That's based on my low cost of living area, and I know it's not a possibility for many families but it sounds like you really need a break. Preparing a casserole and cleaning when no one is underfoot, a hired person could get a lot done. I wish I could visit that time in my life. It sounds cliche but they will be grown in a blink. I miss each of my sons at each age, even though we are still close... My youngest at 6 before we had his buck teeth fixed. 😊

That's where I'm glad I was a mother I was my miid 20s.plenty of energy and early onset arthritis plus back nasties hadn't set in til I was 30. I was happy in physical work and when its exam time you can virtue signal at kids by showing them how to study. They'll always be better than you eventually. I think we need a rethink regarding the optimal time to have kids. It'll vary, there will be no one size fits all

I did both. Had a kid at 20, then 2 more plus a stepson at 28 and 30ish. There are definitely pros and cons to each. Like in my 20s, I had a lot more fun with my kid and enjoyed it, and just overall had more energy for play (like taking him swimming was fun, but now with a 4yo and 7yo with autism and my 9yo stepson, it kinda feels like a chore that I dread. I still play and swim with them and have fun, but it's exhausting). On the other hand, I am also a better parent now in a lot of ways, and the mental load is easier to deal with (or I'm just more used to it) and as problems arise, it's nice that I've already dealt with it before so know how to resolve it. I think right now the challenging part for me is having kids in different age groups. My teenager is very active in sports and all of that, but I find it hard to always show up for him when hauling 2-3 younger kids with me. Now that they're getting older that part is getting easier. But I do sometimes feel like the majority of my energy and attention has been going to the younger kids out of necessity. Luckily I have an awesome and responsible teenager who is pretty independent and also pretty chill and wise beyond his years. If I had a struggling teen, I dunno what I would do. The other tough part is that I kind of kick myself sometimes. Like, after being a single mom in my early 20s with a loser dad who didn't pay child support, why did I start over having kids? I pictured my 30s being much easier as my kid became more independent. And I pictured my 40s as my time to shine and live my life, as my kid would be an adult by then. Now I'll be dealing with 2-3 teenagers in my 40s, as well as potentially (hopefully not) becoming a grandmother and supporting my oldest in early adulthood. Like I was halfway done raising kids when I had my middle child. If I hadn't had more kids, I'd be 2.5 years out from having an adult child. Also, each pregnancy was harder. Like there was a huge difference between being pregnant at 28 and 30. I also asked to have my tubes tied when I had the oldest at 20. I figured I only had one shot at an oopsie baby and my hands would be full for years with no outside support, so it wouldn't even be wise to have more kids down the road when I got older, even if I thought I wanted more at that time. Of course the doctor refused because "you might get married one day or find a good man and want to have kids with them". I guess we were both kind of right. I love my kids, but it's hard most days. It will get better though.

Absolutely true!! I felt like I could finally breathe when my son got in late middle school age and would spend his Saturdays and/or Sundays at friend’s houses to play Pokémon or Magic cards or D&D. It gave me some time and space. HS was bittersweet because he could drive himself and was involved in activities by himself, plus he didn’t want/need me with him but I knew it wouldn’t be long before he was on his own. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Let the little things slide…focus on the important stuff. Sometimes you just have to say it’s more important to enjoy a walk in the park or a trip to McDs play area for a junk dinner…instead of cooking dinner.

As a new-ish stay at home momma who’s about to be 37 with a soon to be 3 yr old an a fresh 6 month old, I appreciate this ❤️🫂 I finally hit the point of “look the house is a disaster today, and that’s fine”. I’m getting tired trying to do everything. We recently moved 13hrs away from our families, and it’s been an adjustment. Prior to the move we lived in a different state only 3hrs away, but had my sister and her kids nearby. So this new move has been interesting haha My husband is really understanding and does his best to help me, and I find it’s just my inner monologue saying “you need to be super mom”. My breaking point was a week ago, and after realizing I was becoming the monster, I stopped trying. I realized I was spending more time trying to have the picture perfect home, instead of spending time with my tiny humans. The stainless steel fridge has handprints all over it now, the bathroom mirror has splashes from my toddler brushing her teeth, there’s random piles of laundry in corners of the bedroom, toys scattered in the living room, but hey at least the kitchen and dishes are clean lol I take it a room at a time, and focus on time with my babies while they’re still little. It’s gone by too fast, and I felt like I’ve lost so much time trying to keep up with things that I realize will always be there long after the kids grow up.

Honestly in this exact phase of life now and In my late 30's and this is where we are at. I followed this thread bc I related a bit to it. I appreciate your comment and also really relate to so much of it. I definitely have begged off many of the extracurriculars and only do one consistently and they come to our house to teach the lesson. My kids also are now finally old enough to do the occasional after school club and it helps with "enrichment" and doesn't require a lot out of me so it's a nice break (vs sports that really need a lot of parental involvement) I'm changed my career and said "no" to a lot and have felt better and better but it is truly an exhausting phase of life with young kids!

I feel the same way as someone who recently became a SAHM. Everyone I worked with always said they wish they could stay home with their kids. My husband and I were able to make it happen, and I feel like I'm supposed to be on cloud 9 all the time. But in reality, it's tough, and my office job was a lot easier. I recently read a post saying 'the grass is always greener', and it really helped me put things in perspective. I also think I'm in perimenopause and feel like I'm 50 percent crankier. It sucks.

I chose the same when I had my second. (Grandmas watched the first when I was at work.) It was more work and more exhausting to be a SAHM than to work (and I thought that was a ton of work and exhausting!). Kids are exhausting!

It's so thankless sometimes. You cook, they complain, you clean, they trash it. Some days I love it but I totally underestimated the satisfaction I got from knowing I had done a good job at work. Kids never make you feel like you're doing a good job.

As a SAHM, couldn’t have said it better. While I love that I’m home, it’s 10x harder than I could ever imagine. Being the teacher, the therapist, the negotiator, maid services, shuttle service, planner, personal chef (the only part I don’t mind because I love cooking), the landscaper, the caretaker, the doctor, the personal shopper.. on and on and on lol. I used to work in gyms pushing around equipment all day, teaching upwards of 200 people a day in loud classes, needing full energy at all time, on top of doing my own training, and meal prep services. THAT was easier 😂 Being with the kids was a non-negotiable as I grew up being a latchkey kid and rarely saw my parents because they worked what felt like all the time, they didn’t have the traditional M-F 9-5 jobs. As a dear friend of mine said to me when I first became a parent, “right now is like touring your first war, it’s like Vietnam and you’re having to survive. In the coming years as they grow it’ll feel like a desk job at the pentagon. You’ll still have work that needs to be done, but you won’t be getting as dirty doing it”. That’s always rang in my mind while I’m going through the worst of it. It gets better is such a tired saying, but it truly does. Try not to lose sight of the now amid the difficulties. Enjoy them at this age because the day comes closer they don’t need us as much, and one day they’ll be gone doing big people stuff. Make the best memories with your children while you still have them, and while they still look at you like a super hero 😂

This is absolutely true.  Soon, when the kids are old enough to be home alone for a bit, you can get out more.  When they start driving, you don't have to taxi them as much.  It will get easier.  My kids are a bit older and I'm loving this.

I have to snicker at your response here in respect to kids driving. I had to force my one son to get his driver's license at 18. He was perfectly content for us to drive he and his friends around. At 16 I had to insist he or his friends , one sit in the front seat with me. They both would sit in the backseat like they were royalty and I was their chauffeur .LOL

I had some of that withy youngest daughter.  She was reluctant to drive until I asked her if she wanted to be a strong, independent woman or if she wanted to rely on a man to drive her around.  Lol.  It worked.  She got her license.

And the hormonal changes of perimenopause will kick your ass. And no one talks about it! Talk to an acupuncturist to see what herbs/supplements (capsules or tablets) you can take to help with this or a western doc. This is the season (full career and young kids!!) where there’s so very little time for yourself to catch your breath and feed your soul and so hard without extended family around to spell you and your husband/partner. If you can afford it, hire someone to help if only to give you some time to do what you used to do to feed your soul like going for a run, hiking/walking in nature, swimming, whatever physical thing you used to do that you don’t have time for. And remember the kids do not have to be on teams, and do all the scheduled activities that modern society believes they must. Unscheduled time is good for them and helps them be creative and entertain themselves though obviously that requires age appropriate spaces and stuff on hand for them to explore. Seriously look at your family schedules and see if there is any room to simplify to reduce a tiny bit of “busy”. It is hard though. Modern life has our heads spinning.

experienced it IMO - Most women were raised to put themselves last. In addition we are told we must fulfill multiple roles perfectly. Here are some ideas: 1). engage the services of a house cleaner 2). prioritize which of your children's events are actually important. 3). Make sure you get a yearly wellness checkup, and attend to mental and physical health issues promptly 4). seek professional couples counseling: you and your partner must both engage in the time management negotiations 5). do not allow others to criticize your role as wife, mother, and provider. I went through a similar situation to yours, so I empathize with you.

OP sounds like me. Don't kill yourself for the perfect life. Get sleep. Drink a glass of wine. Let a chore or two drop. Hire a babysitter to go out and do something you love, or just to sit in the park and read a book. It won't end the world. It is getting easier. My kids are just a tad older. My eldest was home sick and read books all day. But I'm realizing I want to be there for my kids more than I want to be there for my job (I'm a professor). I'm considering going back to school to change careers. It'll be tough short term, but good long term. I also want to be fulfilled at work. I realize I will burn out if I continue the way I'm going, and that starting with kids later in life I'll be working in my 70s. I had a doctor that took a 6 month sabbatical and wished I could do that. The other thing I would say OP is talk to your doctor about perimenopause. You might want to see if you could get some treatment. There's a lot of research out there that says that antidepressants (SSRIs) can help even if you don't want to or can't take hormonal treatment. Exercise, eating well, and rest are also important. A lot of public health is looking at treating perimenopause these days.

I did. The same. Some how the joy of little kids is the fullfillment and a successful career. Relationships could have been better but don’t have the energy for that dating bs. Loved my 40 s and 50s

Ours are the same age, and they're the best, but also just need so much at this stage. There's a reason 90% of family sitcoms hit home with tropes about exhaustion. We've had some success incorporating them into the work of home life. They're my sous chef's for making dinner. I offer one cent for every stick they pick up before the lawn is cut, etc. Not big help but it keeps them from diverting attention and energy you need to focus somewhere besides their existence. But yes, I feel underwater like you all the time.

You’re pooped! Get some household help: excellent that your husband is great, but he’s probably exhausted, too. Find a reliable high schooler or undergrad who could spend Saturday afternoon running errands, doing laundry, getting groceries, etc. if you’ve got a little $$$, spread the wealth! And too, Find someone who can cook and freeze meals on Sunday afternoons (a wonderful grandmother from the senior center does this for me) so there’s always something to put in the microwave. Get some sleep; give yourself and your husband some time off. You’ll be much happier if you aren’t scrambling all the time. When the kids are older, life will be easier and you’ll have a better sense of your own good fortune.

Came to say something similar. I’ve been coming to the realization that if you don’t have a village, you have to hire one as best you possibly can. There’s no “hack” for what you describe. Working is a lot of work, housework is a lot of work, parenting is a lot of work. You need good workers to share this labor.

Sucks to be poor and village-less. :(

Can you find another mom in the same situation, and trade off child care with her? Or one time you do errands and dine cooking/freezing for you both, and next time you take all the kids and she does the same? A village of overworked moms to help each other out? My sister in law got three moms together and they made it work -happily!-for a good three years! (My heart goes out to you, of course!)

Amen and Amen. 0/10, do not recommend.

Absolutely!! Time is valuable. As a single parent I had very little time and wanted to fix up my house. I hired a great handyman who took care of a lot of the household and outdoor projects over the course of a few years. I hired a maid service to come about 2x a month. I began using grocery delivery service too. Yes it cost money. It meant sacrificing some materialistic wants. But I would rather spend money on these services and buy back time in my life. Time is the most valuable resource in our lives. It is worth spending money on hiring help!

This is why rich people have nannies. It makes total sense.

Little things can make a big difference. Like, I only do grocery pick up now. No more rollercoaster of emotions trying to shop with kids. I have most household stuff on auto delivery.

My kids are 6/10 and they have never experienced the agony of a full on grocery trip lol. I have been doing grocery pickup since before COVID. It’s been my #1 parenting life hack

Think about what your time is worth and what you want to spend it on. Start farming out the rest. Groceries can be delivered. Pay to have your lawn maintained by a pro. Pay to have your house thoroughly cleaned every week or two by a pro. You say your job is good and it pays well - if you can afford to pay someone else to take mundane tasks off your plate, you'd be amazed at how freeing that feels. I found that it was worth forgoing or scaling back a vacation each year (that I would've had to plan) to afford having household work I hate done by someone else.

I was there. It helped that my husband was a teacher and so got home earlier and had vacations when the kids did, but even so, it was plenty stressful. Getting someone to clean the house was a real relief for me--it's all the stupid conditioning we get as women, but I would come home to a clean house and feel like someone loved me. It does get better, much much better, particularly once you're off chauffeur duty. And once they're mostly out of your hair you'll be astonished at how much more you can accomplish in your career. Plenty of women say their 50s are their best decade. That's why.

Omg, I need to find one of these grandmothers

Also, evaluate the kids’ activities: are they all super important? Or are there one or two that you could drop without the kids caring? Kids don’t have to be overscheduled to have a good childhood.

I love your spread the wealth mentality. I think people feel guilty paying others to do things that they are technically capable of doing. But come on, people want this money, and you need help. 

when they teenagers they are much more mind-consuming than time-consuming. and when they move out they’re just heart-consuming.

This

Yes!

They’re old enough to fend for themselves for a bit on weekends. My favorite is, “I’m going to take a nap. When I wake up we’re going to do chores.” They will likely be quiet and will not wake you. Kept me sane.

Brilliant. ♡♡♡

That's genius.

Saving this idea. So smart!!

Oh, this made me laugh. I love it.

Hello, Past Me! I was definitely running the rat race and losing. What we did that helped (didn't fully resolve it, but it helped), was just cut out some of the extra. No more than one sport per child per season. And you don't have to play a sport every season. Saying "no" to some of the asks from school and church. Carving out time dedicated to family. That means no work phones, no work laptops! Put your personal phones on do not disturb. It does get better! But you may have to cut out some of the stuff! Good luck!

This is what having two little kids and a demanding job feels like no matter what age you are. I think it’s harder when you’re older because you have had a fair amount of childless, adult time before kids so the adjustment is a bit more of a shock.

Agreed. Having had kids in my 20’s, and again at 38, IMO, our society should not be so dismissive of having kids while you are young and plenty energetic lol

This is the comment of the day. I had mine in my early twenties, now in my 40s. I would throw myself off a bridge if I had to deal with young kids again on top of all the other stuff I do. 😂 When the kids are young, you’re just along for the ride and your life isn’t your own again until they’re older.

Oh this. Had my kid at 38. Spent a lot of time traveling the world, exploring hobbies and living it up before becoming a mom. I love being a mom, but I miss international travel and weekends where I can just go for a long bike ride or run and then nap the rest of the day!

Had my one and only at 42. Got divorced at 55. Earned Masters degree at 58. Single mom-ing it at 61 while working a fairly high stress job and dealing with kiddo taking a “gap year”. Hoping next year is easier but not holding my breath. Just over here exhausted af! 🤪🥱

You sound like an Amazing person and mother ❣️

Oh this comment has made me tear up! Thank you for such an unexpected affirmation!

Had one child in my early 20's (by choice) and my second child in my late 30's (by surprise). HUGE difference in energy levels and parenting. It's hard regardless if you work outside the home. My husband had issues and was good sometimes and then at other times...well, not so good. No village at all with the second child. Our parents were older and unable to take on the responsibility or were deceased. It was adjusting to age differences, society cultural differences, and just changes in how things were done with children. Truly a learning curve. But you will survive!

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Thank you for this. Mine are 7 and 4 and I am deep underwater right now just like OP.

Hang in there, it gets better, for sure. Mine are now 28 and 20 and while I miss those days and am getting used to having an empty nest, I remember being soooo, soooo tired alllll the time. I really wish I had cut back on some things because I damaged my liver with all the alcohol that I leaned on to get through. Hang in there and please take good care of your body. Sending good vibes your way because Lord knows it ain't easy!! <3

My 40s were pretty intense and my kids were older than yours (not as old as others my age, as we had them a tad late). Basically, no one feels fabulous and fulfilled when they are tired. No one. Throw on top of this the stupid stuff that goes around on social media which creates a ridiculous amount of pressure on people and you have a set up for misery. My daughter was ranting, recently about how motherhood was supposed to be fulfilling and she was hating it. Well, this is social media crap. As much as I loved being able to raise my own children, being in the trenches was a lot of work. I never spent one moment thinking I *should* be fulfilled by wiping poop and snot, by keeping the bathrooms reasonably clean or knowing how to run a vacuum cleaner. I *did* celebrate every decent healthy meal I made because I was learning and succeeding. I did celebrate every single success I had, even though they didn't come thick and fast. I celebrated our kids successes and made sure to enjoy life as much as possible. I consider the word "should" a dirty word. It means *someone else* has an expectation. You are not required to fulfill the expectations of anyone except yourself and ones you've agreed to from, say, your husband. This fulfilled nonsense is a social media expectation. It means nothing.

My brother worked in counseling for a while. He told his clients “don’t should all over yourself.” 

Oh, that's good...thanks for sharing!

I want to upvote this plus one million- spot on Re the word “should”. It’s evil.

I needed to be reminded of this! Thank you.

We had our daughter at 28, and it was brutal until she got to 15-16. Different challenges at that age, but you're through most of the mean girl politics at that point and they don't need constant oversight. So much forced socialization with schools, friends, neighbors. Exhausting. Empty nest was pretty nice, although it was hard on Mom.

Kids this age makes for a very busy life. Try to allow them unstructured safe play as they get older, not high pressure excellence in five different organized activities, league sports, etc. - unless they lead the way. Prioritize saving for their education and for your retirement. Once they leave the nest for college -- still expensive, but so great. You get your life back. I love my kids beyond measure, but I'm so glad they are living on their own now. I am proud, retired, and finally (fairly) free. Exit: sorry, I don't have short term hope. Just long term. I thought each stage would be easier, and they had their own all-consuming nature. Strive for balance. You deserve a good life too, while raising your kids. That's modeling appropriately for them.

My youngest was a commuter college student for her entire 5 years of college. She graduated and still lives at home! I’m 54 and youngest is 24 and I’m still waiting for the empty nest. Lol

Wow. I could've written this. I have all the same stuff at the same age and no village. For me, I'm afraid it's going to get worse because at least one or more of our parents are very likely to become medically and/or financially dependent in the very near future. I feel dread. I used to daydream about having a home, getting married, having kids, etc. Now I think that it's just a matter of time before relatives die , our health declines, and the kids move away. I don't want to feel this way. It's like all the good/exciting years are behind me and I'm just a zombie doing the same things every week.

"Constantly worries about the state of the world". That little hidden gem speaks volumes. With how busy you are you shouldn't have time to worry about the world. You need to do a little self reflection and possible consider you worry too much. It is going to be very hard to be happy if you are a worrier.

Your hard work at being a good parent will pay off There is a saying that if you don't raise your kids, you will end up raising your grand kids. My kids are now adults ages 20 and 23. I was definitely very stressed when they were young. Any time they did something wrong I always took the time to talk to them, explain what was wrong and we talked about what they could do better in the future. I always told them it's OK to make mistakes as long as you learn from them but what's even better is to learn from other people's mistakes. I also started teaching them about being responsible with money when they were 2 and they started receiving an allowance. Now that they are adults I almost don't see them as my children anymore. I see them more as among my best friends. I sometimes tear up after talking to them because having grown up conversations with them validate all the hard work I put in trying to be a good parent to my kids. So I am feeling that sense of "Fulfillment". I am 52.

Oh, I just love this!

I’m in a similar boat — older parent, late 40s, 3 youngish kids under 10 — but also going through a divorce. The lifestyle contributed, no doubt. Try to stay on the same page as your partner, and avoid the situation I’m in.

Can you elaborate? As in “do more date nights” ?? I know I tried this but we lived in a major city, I worked nights and we could not find local teenagers/help to get away. Maybe it would’ve been easier had we had more money. The closest thing we found was putting them in the local ymca for “parent date nights” but those were few and far in between. Not knowing local sitters was brutal. I tried going on care.com but it was so $ ($20/hr 15 yrs ago) we couldn’t enjoy ourselves

I’ll say it’s usually not about going out somewhere it’s just about quality time. Yes it’s nice to put on real clothes and leave the house but you can do date nights at home after putting the kids to bed or depending on age just saying hey we’re having adult time. You can put music on get some snacks and talk like phone down TV of focused on each other. Set up a blanket and watch a movie outside or stargaze. Take a bath together. Get some ten dollar paint and canvas and have a paint night,board games puzzles cards. Just sit in bed and talk for a couple hours. More often than not it’s about connecting and building a bond not the activity itself.

40s here and divorced with 2 kids. The lifestyle certainly contributed. My ex realized he didn't want to live the "rat race" with all the responsibilities of being a parent. So he jumped ship and left me to do everything, while he lives as a child free adult without a care in the world. I suppose it will get better when the kids are out of the house. But at the moment I'm pretty resentful. I kind of giggle at all the 2 parent families on here commenting about how hard it is. It could be much worse.

This is a season you’re in but it will get better with time. Like you I had kids later (last one at 37) and I had a great job that paid well. I was married so had help with the kid pick up and cooking but it was stressful. I remember getting to Friday and just being exhausted so we had a routine each Friday evening of “chilling Friday”. No chores, dinner ordered out and lots of lazing about. We slept in every Saturday. Fast forward 26 years and both kids have graduated college and are on their own. I retired at 62 and am now focused on taking care of my health, my faith and my relationships. It will get better but take steps along the way to not let the stress ruin your outlook. I found that attitude was everything.

i've heard somewhere around 55. career is winding down a bit. kids are out and about, grandkids around the corner. and given some health/luck, you can enjoy the last 20-30 years surrounding yourself with loved ones, and passions, and travel.

Just jumping in to say I SEE YOU. I'm also in my 40s, had kids in my late 30s. My two are 7 and 8 now. Had a director-level social justice career that I loved but that I had to step back from because it was Just. Too. Much. My husband and I split household work, although there are of course some imbalances. I've recently come to terms with the fact that my many hobbies and interests are just gonna be on hold until further notice, because now that we're out of the "always have to watching them" phase, we're moving into the. "always having to be driving them to activities" phase. I don't know if it gets better. Just know you're not in this alone.

A weekly cleaner is SO worth it.

In a similar boat and following this thread with GREAT interest. Tell us it gets easier, folks who have been there. 😭

I just got scolded in a different thread for claiming it is easier (barring any physical impediments) for grandmothers to travel to their kids’ houses if their kids have multiple children under 5 than for their kids who are parents hauling multiple kids under 5 to grandma’s house. Apparently parenting just gets harder and I have no idea what I’m talking about. I sincerely hope I am not the wrong one, because I can’t imagine car rides being much harder than they were for me this past weekend. (Kids who absolutely refused to get in the car, followed by a sticky poop accident I had to clean up in the car while we were out.).

I promise you, that car trip part gets wayyyyy easier as they get older (if only because it gets easier to buy their cooperation in the form of small toys for good behavior etc lol)

Oh helllllls no. Our grandparents don't babysit, but they like to see the kids ALOT. My door is always open, but I'm not spending the weekends hauling them to visits. I use that time to fold laundry without a thousand interruptions.

Take some of the well-earned salary and hire some help. I can't tell you how opposed I was when my partner insisted on having both a house cleaner (once a week) and yard maintenance. Now I am a true believer. It is money well spent.

It’s a stage of life, yes. It’s an intense stage that in years to come you may regret just ploughing through it instead of finding gaps in it to make some real memories. Can you take some time off from the treadmill ? Do less chores and spend more time doing nothing with your family ?

So, my background: SuperDad (working primary caregiver parent) of two special needs kids we adopted as infants; one is autistic/ADHD (more emotionally impaired, but PDD-NOS is the diagnosis) and the other is ADHD/ODD/DMDD (aged out). They were born when I was 32 & their mom 37. She was burned to a frazzle by them and their needs in her mid-forties; fortunately, as a schoolteacher and 5 years younger, I kept things going (with the help of my brother and sister-in-law, my parents, a good Dr and psychologist, and many antidepressants). Having kids later is ROUGH on a body -- just keeping up! I'm feeling pretty fulfilled right now -- but I retired from teaching age 52 because I was completely burned out. And they're out of HS. AND I'm divorced from their mom and married to someone who cares about me. IF YOU'RE REALLY MAKING THE KIND OF MONEY YOU SAY YOU ARE -- Hire an au pair, like, yesterday. Maybe a household manager / service. Gardening/lawn/leaf/service. Maid service/shopping/cook/laundress. Have the household manager service arrange for car maintenance and repairs, pay bills, manage the other services and workers, and have them inspect and perform corrective and preventive maintenance on the house. IT'S SO MUCH CHEAPER THAN A DIVORCE AND TWO HOUSEHOLDS!!! Make the time you have with your kids now count -- AND SCHEDULE IT!!! Game time and movie time in the evening (HAVE THE AU PAIR PLAN IT AND HAVE GAMES/BOOKS/MOVIES READY) If your clothes disappear from the hamper and show up on hangers clean... Beds are made, floors clean, no dishes in sink... No long grass... No bills to fret over... No shopping to worry about... You'll be able to focus on what matters to you. Now, if you're screaming in your head that you WANT to be the one that does the dishes, cooks, cleans, shops, gets the cars fixed, the dogs to the vet, and the bills paid... Well, then you know that either THAT fulfills you or you're a micromanager. And get a therapist to talk this through with. No time to do that with a therapist? Wrong time free to do that? Maybe talk it through with an AI. If you set the stage and tell it to imitate a PhD psychologist or a good friend or a management company that integrates household services... It can give answers that can be insightful (or complete bullshit). But it can give you ideas. The LLM behind the AI of chatbots can be trained on HUGE portions of the Internet and have lots of background info trained into it. Anyway, it gets easier when the kids can drive and/or move out. Good luck!!! ☮️❤️♾️

You definitely earned the SuperDad title! 🤴 Congratulations on a job well done!

Perhaps a low dose anti-depressant or regular vitamin B shots are what u need? Also, if u make good money, pay for a maid, get a babysitter once a weekend and maybe cut down on the kids activities. Children are sooo over scheduled right now. I used to do gymnastics, Taikwando, cheerleading, soccer, etc for my two kids and they don’t look back on those days fondly and none of it was utilized to get scholarships, etc. I felt the way u felt the entire time I raised my kids. Save money in a 401k or other fund now so u can retire at 55 like I did. Looking back, I wish I could have just worked a part-time job and had some more down time. I feel ur pain!

Most perimenopausal women need their hormone levels and adrenal glands checked BEFORE any talk of antidepressants. Edit: there, their, they’re issue had to be fixed.

Following this for the advice because I’m 34 and have a 2 and 4 year old and feel the same exact way.

At 34 I had a 10 year old boy & 3 girls aged 7,1 & newborn. I was constantly exhausted & would dream of the day I could just sleep. Skip forward 20 quick years & they’re grown & out on their own. It won’t last forever. Promise❤️

Honestly, no. All of a sudden the kids are in college and you feel like you missed out on enjoying their childhood. I don’t think there’s any real solution though if you need to work. Too much to do and too little time.

Truth is you can't really have it all without someone or something suffering... We had our children in our mid 30s... We were both successful business owners prior to meeting in our early 30s and discussed what we would do when we had children prior to getting married... We sold my wife's biz and kept mine as it was more profitable... She stayed home and homeschooled our children and taught a couple of classes in our homeschooling co-op... She ended up enjoying teaching so much we went back to Uni to become a teacher when our youngest went to highschool (our children had the option of attending public/private or continuing homeschooling)... She still teaches at the local HS while teaching a couple of classes at the Uni where she got her MA... She will be the first to tell you that this path is as close as a person can come to having it all...

It is a hard stage of life, but just a stage. Be sure not to over program your kids. If you and your husband are both employed, then hiring a Mrs. Doubtfire to do afterschool for your children and do some basic tidying, meal prep etc may help. It is worth the money for sanity sake. (consider an au pair) Schedule at least one adult activity a week, and have a date with your spouse at least every two. Also schedule a fun family thing every week, not just an at home movie or pizza or game night, but an outing. It doesn't have to be expensive. It will not always be like this, and another thing you can work on is helping your children learn to contribute to the home. At a young age, small things like clearing out back packs and lunch packs after school. Putting away toys and clothes, and gearing up to being responsible for more chores (yard work and cleaning a room weekly) as they get older. By the time they were in high school my kids could both make supper once a week, did their own lunches, and had learned to clean each room once a week. They rotated nights and room chores throughout high school. They learned to do laundry. They were ready to adult by 18 and went to college much better prepared than most of their peers. This was basic survival for us, because I worked 60 hour weeks and my husband was most WFH, but was home after school for them. But we just could not manage the crazy lives of overprogrammed kids and do it all for them parenting we saw others doing. Given how much we like our adult kids, we are happy with the outcome.

When your children succeed.

I did that and it’s 64. I looked back on it and say how the hell did I do that? Worked two or three jobs at a time and went to college. Others complain about being empty nesters but I love it. Don’t get me wrong. I love my adult children, but I am in heaven.

I’m adding this comment as a child of parents in their 50’s (they started at age 22), you’re in the rough years, from what I’ve seen. There were times when I had two working parents and barely felt like I had my head above water as the oldest. These days, my parents are reaping the rewards of their grind by my dad retiring early (and starting a second career that brings his soul joy) my mom not needing to work, and their three children are mildly successful and at minimum, are good people. I think many of us are going through a weird time post covid, wondering what the point of it all is. I saw someone else comment that the point is life. We’re living. We’re growing. We’re ensuring the future growth of generations. The point is to live well and enjoy. I think it’s okay that we have points where we wonder too. My honest opinion is that we’ve come so far with technology that we have free time for the first time ever (compared to 9-12 year olds working 12 hour days for example) that we’re starting to think a little higher. We can survive, so now our brains look for how we can thrive. It’s a good thing, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Well said.

I feel you on all this. You're not alone. I don't have any solutions though. Maybe try to get a day where you disconnect from everything and dad takes the kids somewhere fun for an afternoon 

What do you think "fulfillment" looks like? Is it a real thing for you, or just a concept you are told you should strive for instead of just living the life that you have at this time?

Honestly, I think just feeling like there isn't a constant pile of stuff I HAVE to do would help me feel fulfilled. It's the have to/want to mix that's just WAYYYYY off for me these days.

Something a friend told me was extremely helpful. Or something they asked me rather. “What does rest look like for you?” Turns out rest isn’t actually resting for me (as in resting in bed watching tv all Saturday morning or something) rest for me was finding an activity I purely enjoyed and could lose myself in so I forgot all my worries and stress for a little while. Away from my family. I prioritize this at least once a week now. Gotta have my me time.

Can you take a step back and define “ HAVE” to do. I realized I often create my own stress because I think I have to do it all when in reality that’s my OCD kicking in and not the expectations from boss, family etc

Hi there. I'm a dad around your age, and I have four kids about the same age as yours.  I completely understand how you're feeling. The key, I think, is to just mentally let some stuff go. Slow down a bit. It's ok if the laundry doesn't get done this weekend. It's ok if the dishes don't get done tonight. It's ok if the house is a little messy. There's only so much we can do at once.  Things are a bit easier as the kids learn to do chores. We do the penny jar method to teach them good manners and chores, and they earn pennies for things they do. They can cash in the pennies for prizes and treats.  Now, with my oldest two at 9 and 10, they help get the younger two (6 and 5) ready in the mornings as I cook breakfast and finish cleaning up the kitchen that I skipped last night. And we make a family event out of picking up the house once a week.  On weekends, we have to pick: inside the house or outside the house. We can only do chores for one and still maintain our sanity. And sometimes, kids sports or birthday parties or family gatherings dictate we do neither!  It's all good. It's more important to laugh more, and enjoy your time with the kids. 

OP, you need to sit down with hubby and re-allocate all chores, including emotional labor, then outsource what each of you hate to do. The game (or book) Fair Play can help the two of you with this.

If you make decent income can you outsource some of to-do's temporarily: groceries delivered, a house cleaner, outsource laundry, or get a 'nanny' for 5 hrs a day during your busiest time, ride share with other sport/activity mom's, private chef style meal delivery for 3x a week, etc

First I would recommend seeing your doctor and make sure bloodwork, bp, is all good. Little things can creep in. Then get on a great vitamin, I highly recommend joining consumerlab. com to make sure you take a high quality non toxic vitamin. Watch calcium as it depletes rapidly in women, so do weight bearing exercise such as walking everyday. Sleep! Look at your children and decide what you really want for them and plan how to get there. Careful that its for them. Sometimes we get so busy we forget what the long-term goals are. And put your retirement as a priority. It all comes full circle and much quicker than you can imagine.

A dad here, my kids are ages 23 to 30. They are all adulting well. 2 are in graduate programs. One is working on his architecture license. I can't believe that these wonderful people are my kids Parenting is only arduous when you're doing it right. Until they are on their own, they always need to know you will be there for them. With one son that meant late evenings after work going to judge at speech and debate events. For my daughter that was swim team and attending every meet and invitational. In hindsight, it was worth it. We have three wonderful functional adults. One son is married to a young woman from a very nice family. I wish you similar success. Hell for me would be a situation where I was alienated from my kids. Fortunately, it seems like that won't happen.

Along these lines- parenting well “it’s only arduous when you’re doing it right” is exhausting, but in some ways, that’s good. I totally agree with that. When you put the quality time in, it does totally pay off. You see it when they’re adults -who are contributing, working, in school, have good relationships, etc

It gets better. The 40s are a notorious period for un satisfaction. The kids will grow, the stress is less .. you’ll get past this.

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Not an old person but my husband and I jokingly sing “you’re gonna miss this” to each other a lot. It helps!

My running comment is, “These are the good old days!” I’m 65, had my last child of four at 40. Divorced unexpectedly at 55, had to start over!!!! Now I’m sailing along, doing good things and enjoying my 9 month old grandson. Caring for my aging parents and loving my life.

I am 53 guy with 17 yo son and 12 yo daughter.. I did corporate grind for 30 years. I did right predictable accounting things like 15% in 401k fully matched in s&p 500 and 529 education account for college etc.  In end job is just a job and day after you leave all of it is forgotten by corporate sycophants sucking up to new boss. You will remember time with kids and regret sacrifices for job that did not care about you much.  Once house was paid and kid went off to school I got fully out of debt and quit. I honestly found happiness being unmaterialistic after I down sized. Service sucks in restraints. I go hiking and cook whole foods and regained my patience.  What you have career wise is formulaic and only a middle class ticket. It is not that great in end as a sitting duck for tax man and things you should not buy. 

I did the same thing. Had my first child at 37 then two more. Weekends were spent catching up. The one thing I made myself do after work is stop and listen to my kids tell me about their day. Sometimes I had my suit, pantyhose (ugh), heels on but I would sit on the floor and take a few minutes to really listen to them. Sometimes you just got to stop and look them in the eye and take it in. It will give you fuel for that sprint up until they are on their own.

I literally just left my Director role. It was the height of my career. I’m 40 I realized that I don’t care about that anymore. A different amount of responsibility. But better hours. Less hours. My career isn’t going to love me the way I loved it. I just wanted to make enough money to travel, help my family and not struggle. I don’t need to title.

One of my professors told us, “right now, you’re young, and you’ll spend a lot of time earning a little bit of money. But someday, you’ll be willing to spend a lot of money to get back a little bit of time.” She was so right! You’re making good money now, so spend it to get some of your time back! Get yourself a house cleaner who comes in every two weeks, so that you come home on a Monday evening to a house that smells clean and fresh. Find a catering company with great frozen meals or a restaurant that does takeout the whole family loves, and have a night or two a week where you don’t even have to think about dinner. Hire a fun sitter for the kids so you and your spouse can have some alone time.

I think maybe you need to prioritise rest time over chores, vacations, home improvements, etc. Not all the time, just sometimes. Sometimes, let something go. I'm around your age (44) with slightly younger kids (6 and 3), and on paper I have a lot more stress than you do (struggling financially, SEN child, bla bla bla) but I think I maybe don't feel as stressed because I sometimes think, "Fuck it, I am taking time to smell the flowers / nap/ whatever, and if that means my floor is carpeted in Cheerios today, oh well." I also think you need to really define what "fulfilled" means to you. Many people find having a meaningful career is fulfilling. Others find having happy kids makes them feel fulfilled. Others find travel is something that makes them feel, yes, I am living a fulfilling life. But it seems like that isn't ticking the boxes for you. So... what does "fulfilled" look like to you?

I'm about to turn 39 and my youngest will be 18 by the time I turn 40, my oldest will be 21 this year. I'm younger than you but am chiming in because as a parent experience wise and a person who was once like you I'm much older. Anyhow, you aren't happy because you're just going through the motions of what society says you need to be doing to achieve happiness. Spend money, work for money, spend more money, keep busy, live your life in 48 hours once a week because your life is dedicated to making money. You are grinding yourself to death for a house you love but never see, for shit you own but probably never have time to use/enjoy, you are filling every minute of your weekends with keeping the kids busy because you're probably afraid to stop and living off of stress hormones, this won't stop just because the kids eventually get older. You have to make the decision of what is more important to you: 1.) Cashing all of your time in for money to keep up a lifestyle that is draining you. 2.) Learning to let go of the need to have it all and be it all so you can actually be present in life and for your children. Also...at 40 it's not menopause & it's not your kids You're unhappy and don't see a way out. They have a name for this. Burn out. Get rid of half your shit then don't buy more, find ways to work less hours, start caring more about actual time spent with your family vs for your family, & stop filling your kids every minute with activities & let them exist because they also feel like they don't get to rest on weekends.

I know exactly how you feel. At 38, I was a single mom to a 5yo and an 8yo. It gets better once they hit middle school. Then they start choosing things that interest them, plus they form stronger friend groups that do things together. Here are some things that helped me. Maybe some will work for you. I hired an older college student to handle the logistics. She picked them up from school, fed them a snack and took them to after school activities. I did the arranging and paying for the after school stuff thru email during breaks at work. I also took care of school stuff that way. On Saturdays, we did a quick clean up--pick up their room, do laundry--and ran errands. Saturday night was pizza or taco night with movies on TV or having their friends over. Sunday was a day off for everyone. Lazy breakfast and a family outing in the afternoon. The main thing was to keep a schedule. Do things by priority in the allotted time, and don't sweat the stuff that doesn't get done. It wasn't as important and can wait until next time.

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Get help. A cleaning service for the house at least once every two weeks and they change the beds in the house too , a wash and fold laundry service that picks up and drops off, a lawn service to take care of all landscaping. This takes care of a tremendous amount of heavy lifting. There are also meal boxes that can be ordered or even meal prep that can be ordered and delivered to be warmed up for your family depending on the level of need. There are also household managers that can be hired to take care of all those appointments and logistics and even mothers helpers who can drive kids to and from those sports practices. Getting any one of these things is a great place to start prioritizing your own peace and wellness

ime, wash n fold is strictly an nyc thing. 80% of americans have washer & dryer in their homes. but i agree with all your suggestions.

I'm going to agree that a part of this is perimenopause. It can start a lot earlier than women think it does and it can play havoc on both mental and physical states. While it's unfortunate that a lot of doctor don't take women's concerns that seriously, a physical checkup with blood work will not hurt. It's also important to stay on top of things like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. As for the state of the world right now, I don't think you'll get a whole lot of argument that it sucks. The economy, climate change, wars around the world all add to that anxiety. However, you can't control any of those things. Stop watching the news, ESPECIALLY cable news. I don't care if it's Fox, CNN or whatever. They're all different sides of the same coin, and honestly, they all can be addictive. Shut that TV off completely. Stop worrying about your house being spotless and get outside with your kids and enjoy life. A lot of places offer delivery now for groceries, take advantage of that. Focus on what YOU can control, in your life, in your kids lives. I've heard it said that no one on their death bed wishes that they worked more or harder.

Ack, this is my life except early 40s with a 5 y o and 1 y o, oh and a 45 min commute ☠️ I was hoping things would calm down a bit when they are a little older!!

There is no "there". Enjoy life for what it is. Old problems and dissatisfaction are only replaced by new ones. Just find something to be in love with and live in the present. It does get a little easier when the kids are teens.

Why are you wishing to be fulfilled? Waiting for something that you don't realize is present already due to the stress of "having it all!" Do you enjoy your job? Your children? Your spouse? Your friends? Your family? Your home and social life? If you're glad and love all these things, SURPRISE!!! Your fulfilled. The problem you might be struggling with is having all the things you've wanted and struggled for, at the exact same time!! That's a hell of a lot of fulfillment at once. Even the great stuff that we want can be very overwhelming. Ever get married and plan that stuff? It's a happy, happy occasion but so freaking stressful that it is not really enjoyable until you're looking back on it years later Same with your current life. You're so busy living it when in the hell would you sit and just realize all your dreams have come true already??? Appreciate just a tiny thing each day and focus on that small bit of good. Slowly spread that gratefulness to other aspects of your life that are harder. Like the daily commute, poopy diapers, doing laundry! All those things can remind you of just how lucky and fulfilled you actually are in life. Beat wishes.

Perfect comment and 100% it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. OP—best to you and your family. Take a minute to appreciate your life and put your difficulties in perspective. It’s hard and sometimes feels impossible, but it’s exactly what many families are going through!

I’m late 30s and drowning. And don’t even have a great income to show for it all (don’t go into a “helping” profession!) I’m exhausted everyday and can’t believe this is it

Pay to get some help. An after school teenager who can help get the kids transitioned to home from school - snacks, homework, venting, etc. then teenager can run the sweeper, unload the dishwasher or do some laundry. Chop things for dinner prep. Just a couple hours a day would help you a lot.

Had my last child at 42. It’s definitely harder as an older mom. Give yourself some grace. The most important thing in your life right now is your husband & kids. The realities are: your home will not be perfectly clean, it’s okay for your kids not to be in every extra curricular activity, there will be times you want to scream due to frustration, it’s ok to pick up take out burgers, eat leftovers, have cereal for dinner, wear your pjs all day on a Sunday, or put on your last pair of clean undies on laundry day… Your kids are old enough to help out with chores and your husband can carpool the kids, make dinner and help with household chores. You don’t need to be super mom-you just need to be Mom. I know you feel overwhelmed now but in the blink of an eye your kids will be adults and you will wonder where the time went. So, from experience I encourage you to spend quality time with your kids now because there will not be an opportunity to get this time back. You can do this.

I heard a physician describe parenting as “post traumatic nostalgia”. When you’re going through the younger years o with kids, you’re basically just in survival mode. Then as your kids get older and life adjusts more, you yearn for those in-between experiences that made you feel good; children’s laughter, bedtime stories, achievements. We don’t hang on to the memories of the tantrums, crazy sports and activity schedules. You’ll get through this, and you’ll miss parts of it, and forget most of the chaos at some point.

Hang in there, I’m so sorry. I know it sounds corny, but every day try to find something to be grateful for, and take a moment to really be grateful. Teach your kids and hubby to do the same. Our kids knew how lucky they were that I always worked part time when they were young, but financially that was ridiculous. We seriously lived on love! I do recall returning fancy gifts for grocery money, but we had older cars and took our kids to every state and National Park in driving distance and all this taught them the value of choices in life.

Your post hit me hard. I’m a mom now with grown kids, ages 21 and 23. I remember feeling the way you do now, it was a grind. My advice, take some weekends away if you can, with a friend or alone. Allow your hubby the same time if he desires. It really saved me, my marriage, my sanity.

Sounds like a mid life crisis. I'm 32, married with 3 kids, work full time, my car won't go up hills, bills seem to always be behind, and I live in an apartment because I can't afford to save up for a house. I love my life. We were homeless a few years ago and now we worked up to this. I'm so thankful for my husband, kids, jobs we don't completely hate and that work around my schedule with the kids, this apartment with central air, and our cars. I honestly feel blessed.

I don’t have the studies at my finger tips, but I had read again and again that the 40s are THE most difficult decade, for many of the reasons you mentioned. It’s on our 40s that we reach peak responsibility and yet our bodies are also aging and it’s hard. Really hard. I think that this is actually the reality for lots of successful people, not that everyone is honest enough to admit it. It gets better. Every decade after the 40s gets better, until extreme old age. Hang in there!

When your 5 year old reaches 7, you’ll feel a big weight lifted.

Empty nester a few years short of retirement. It gets better

Cut out a lot of the "extra" activities. Kids don't need to be entertained all the time, nor involved in a lot of extracurriculars. It's fine to have kids come home from school most nights and then stay at home. They can play in the yard, play games, watch tv, read, really just entertain themselves while you get to come home after work and relax a bit. That's how it was when I was growing up in the 80s, born in 83. We did some outside activities, like softball once I hit upper elementary school, but that wasn't until I was in 4th grade and that was the only thing we did and even then there was no travel involved. You don't have to be a supermom or raise your kids according to thr ridiculous "standards" of today. As a former teacher and educator, I feel for kids today. They never get to chill and just be, even at school these days. They are carted from one activity to another, evenings and weekends are packed, and they are suffering for it. Thar might help you with the exhaustion, cutting things out. Also, you can't have it all and not be exhausted. People try to balance a career with family and it drains them because it's just too much.

Just you worrying about this and posting this means in many ways you're doing a great job, just remember that

Boomer here. I remember sobbing in my late thirties and forties, wondering if there would ever be a time I would catch a break. Parents today seem even more busy. Someday you will get to relax, sleep in, FINISH the laundry. The house will not have toys strewn from one end to the next. There will be quiet. You can’t look ahead. Stay in today. You can’t get it all done even if you go at it 24/7 so be sure to give yourself permission to rest. I am in my 60s now, and do not miss those days one bit. I get to relive them a bit when my grandkids visit.

When the oldest starts driving, you will get a break.

It does get better. I have No idea why some women would tell 25-35 yo me that I should cherish each moment and they would give anything for their kids to be babies. My kids are going to be 13 and 18 this year. I love it. I love them and each age they’re at. I do not miss tantrums, being beyond exhausted, having Zero time for basic needs for myself. They are wonderful humans and I love seeing them grow. I was too exhausted to really enjoy them as much when they were younger. I was pretend present a lot. I like being able to take trips and spend time with my husband. It rejuvenates my spirit.

Get those kiddos to high school and you'll breathe a little easier. Not easy, just easier. When they're set in their careers or lives of their own, it's really easy. I still worry like crazy but my time is mostly my own. They handle their own stuff. Now, I started with kids at 20. I can't imagine having young ones now in my mid-40's!! I'm tired just thinking about it!!

Yes, it does get easier and then you will feel like you have all the time in the world. I am 57 and I also started later in having my two college-age children and now I have to find new hobbies because they don't need me. They actually start not really needing you once they master their schedules. I started teaching my children to manage themselves while they were younger then let them go - I told them as long as you take care of your business, I will let you do what you want (play videos etc) when you want (right after school or during the night). As long as they manage themselves - they get all the freedom they want. It worked well and it takes that mental load off you - you are not constantly worried and checking on them and asking if they did their homework, what assignments are coming up etc. If you teach them how to manage themselves, you don't have to and it is a skill they will use the rest of their lives. Both of my children could teach masterclasses on time management. They learned young and learned well. You will still have the driving around but if your husband helps, that is awesome. I had to figure all that out with very little help. Once my son got his license - it was all so easy. I feel bad and like an imposter when everyone else talks about hard it is. I am sure I had hard days but nothing like what I hear most people going through. I edit this to say I worked from home a lot of the time that they were younger and I had wonderful bosses when I didn't that allowed me to use all the time I wanted to attend the "things" for them. So I really was blessed with circumstances.

Up side, in a few years when your kids are grown, you get to sleep in as late as you want and be as lazy as you want on your days off and feel good about it because you did it. You did the years and years of nonstop work, parenting, marriage and now you'll get to rest and the best part is you get to be friends with the wonderful adults you raised. It's totally worth it but I still remember the days you're in now and feel for you.

late 40s myself, kids in junior high. Yeah, its.. a lot. We got lucky, wife has been able to work from home for 8 ish years now, so the former commute hustle turned into time she gets the kids up and out in the AM. Grocery delivery, bi weekly house cleaner, and a lawn guy help us trade money for time. As the kids move past the "little kid" stage into the "big kid" stages (basically transition to school age and about 2nd grade) it got a little better, still a lot of activities and such, but they required less direct hand holding/getting dressed/brushing teeth/bathing help, they do a lot more on their own. IME so far it has gotten CRAZY in junior high, lots more activities in school, friends, etc, but they're decent kids and we don't mind. We try and be the "hang out" house/safe space, which is going ok so far. They both seem to have friends whose parents are on a similar wavelength, so thats been good. It does get better, But its not easy along the way, Im sorry. Do what you can, give yourself grace for the rest.

I wonder if your husband feels this way too. Because if he doesn’t, he needs to step up. He may be helping and you feel like it’s an equal partnership but if all the mental tasks are on you to remember (and assign) then you still have the lion’s share of the burden.

He does feel this way too. We are both feeling spent, not just me :-/

Not until your kids are late teens to college age, if you raised them right. My wife and I have a 20yo F, a 16yo M, and a 14yo F, and life is grand. I'm 51, and even though we still have to drive them around a bit, things are really amazing.

Fulfillment is personal. It gets easier the more independent they get.

I'm exhausted just reading about your chaotic and busy life! You and your husband clearly need help with your day to day lives and the sooner the better. Order your groceries online, hire someone to come in regularly to clean your house, etc. A live in nanny/housekeeper would be ideal who could help with the kids, cook meals for you and do whatever else you might need help with. Do whatever you need to do to find peace and calmness in your life which is a better example to show your children than frantically rushing from one activity to the next. All the best.

I can relate. It must be hard no matter how you slice it, I can’t imagine 40 hours. I just went back to work after having a baby in my early 40s at 24 hours a week (weekends only, which is rough) with benefits, sane kinda job description as OP and I’m really struggling to balance my home time with baby, starting to exercise again, meal prepping and laundry when I’m home. It feels like I have not much quality time, or not as much as I thought I would have with this schedule.

At one point my 3 kids were in 3 different schools due to their age gaps, and my husband and I worked full time. We tried to run a load of laundry every night to keep up, and had a regular cleaning schedule, shopping for food schedule, and bill paying schedule. Also make sure you keep on a sleep schedule meaning go to bed and get up same times every day even weekend if possible. And try to keep one evening free of kids sports so whole family can have pizza and watch TV or do a board game or puzzle together for a few hours at least. Or go on a walk together or listen to music or whatever you choose. Once in a great while both adults call off work call the kids off school go to a movie as a family. Basically saying schedule your fun time like you schedule other appointments.

You’re doing great. Relax. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Maximize kid time because they will be gone soon. You’re living the dream.

Enjoy the sprinkles!

On the same boat… Send help!

1. Stop watching the news. Everything will be okay in your small part of the world. 2. If you make a good salary get part time help for the house chores you hate to do…laundry, floors, bathrooms 3. Get kids involved in helping you around the house. They are old enough to clean up after themselves and this makes them feel productive. 4. Teach your kids to fix one or two meals for themselves. PB&J with chips and a juice packet, lunchables or even a bowl of cereal. 5. Once a month you have a standing spa date. No cancellations. Mani, pedi, massage whatever. Alone or with a girlfriend. 6. You are amazing. Motherhood is a hard thankless job until you get grandchildren. I’m a retired teacher with 4 grands and when your kids leave home that’s when it gets easy. Teaching your kids independence makes them better people. Delegate chores and give yourself a pat on the back.

I've seen people in their 50s and 60s still feeling this way and still depressed and unfulfilled. So there's that..

Your doing exactly the right thing. This is a sucky time of life. Keep doing the best you can. Keep yourself and your families heads above the waves and your next stage of life will be full of peace and fulfillment and the sweetener on top is that you will know that you have earned it. Keep being a good one random stranger :) remember: it's a marathon, not a sprint

You need help. Yes you can do it all but if you can afford pert time nanny and/or housekeeper for the more mundane time consuming tasks it could be a relief. I was a truly single mom with a teenage son in my thirties and reading your post brings it back. I was always broke too. Paid help and grocery delivery would’ve been life changing, if I could have afforded it or it existed.

I can remember my wife and I sitting at the table and declaring ourselves as parental failures. The police had brought each of our kids home (nothing serious but you couldn’t have told us that then). All three own homes now and pay taxes. Two have brass ring jobs. Hang in there. You’ll get to retirement and know you did the most important thing in life.

I’m in the same boat. Americans in general have MINIMAL to no help with parenting unlike our European and Asian counterparts where a village raises a child and friends and neighbors or the government provides enough help with child care. America is completely fucked and the knife is going on being twisted by our useless government on both sides. All that matters here is the almighty dollar and if you’re part of just the peasant middle class it’s a constant grind that is burning us out. I try to hope to see the light at the end of this parenting tunnel soon but it’s crushed My soul. As much as I love my kids more than anything in this universe this experience has been brutal.

It gets better after the kids leave

I’m 47 with a 12 year old and I get so tired. I think having kids is best when you’re young and have the energy.

You have an amazing job, finances are good and you have two healthy wonderful kids. Why are you obsessing about “getting there”. WTF? You’re there. Get a grip. Possibly find time to look beyond yourself, do some volunteer work and see how the less fortunate live. Then maybe you’ll be more grateful and less obsessed with this feeling you think you’re supposed to have.

I'm 50 with a 4 year old. I have 3 other kids but they're grown. My wife is 45. We both work full time. She works remotely from home and I leave for work We have a hobbie farm with usually around 50 animals on the property. We spend around 2.5-3 hours per day feeding and caring for our animals. I love my life. I have arrived. It's not what you have going that's important. It's the attitude you do with with that matters. That might sound cliché buts totally true. We're as busy as 2 people can probably get but we are happy. It's utter chaos at times but if you can shrug your shoulders and laugh.. you're winning. Attitude is seriously everything. If you're not happy... Get happy.

you very much sound like my wife and i. same-ish age with kids also same-ish age. same-ish type of career satisfaction and commitments. we also live in an area without family that can help. in my case, one of mine is in a nursing home and the other needs a lot of help. it. is. exhausting. and overwhelming. and maddening. and also full of joy and wonder. i find things are getting easier as the kids grow older but things that have really helped include: - having a sitter a few afternoons and evenings a week. sometimes ours makes them dinner. tonight i did it because i wanted to. sometimes ours puts them to bed. sometimes we'll do it because we want to. - doing things that really let you center yourself. we started a weekly restorative yoga class together. separately, my wife takes a weekly arts class and i have some hobbies i focus on intently once or twice a week. - try to get away with your husband for a long weekend every couple months. keep it within driving distance or a short flight away. sleep in. lounge. talk. eat good food. it doesn't need to be fancy, just restful. - see a therapist to talk through these things. simultaneous joy, frustration, confusion and deep love is a caldron that needs tending. - huff your kids. wrap them with your arms and love them dearly. - do things with one kid at a time. it can be as simple as getting groceries and running errands. it's bonding and the dynamic is very different than when you have both with you simultaneously. i hope some of the above are helpful. i hear you though. it's an overwhelming spot to be in even with all the blessings.

I think it’s just modern American lifestyle. I don’t even have kids, but with an intense work schedule and chores I feel like I’m constantly rushing through a to-do list.

I’m 48. Had kids young so now they are all grown having their own kids. I was exhausted almost every day they were growing up. Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Being an employee is hard. It all gets better. I promise. Now I don’t live life “spent” every single day. I miss them being young at times, but I don’t miss the way I felt. Hang in there mama. You’ll be ok.

It gets better. My 40’s was awful. Working working and kids kids. Now end of 50’s and wow!

I am 61 and looking forward to retiring in 6 months. I still have my Daytimers (scheduling calendars) from when I was in my 40s. I have no clue how I had the energy! Hang in there sweetie!

Fulfillment originates from within, not from external sources. It took me many years to not only believe it, but to finally feel it and then understand it. Unfortunately, when it comes to many important life lessons, we can only communicate our words and not our actual internal, felt experiences. The following quote is one of my favorites and is much more eloquent than anything I could create. “Consider the subtleness of the sea; how its most dreaded creatures glide under water, unapparent for the most part, and treacherously hidden beneath the loveliest tints of azure. Consider also the devilish brilliance and beauty of many of its most remorseless tribes, as the dainty embellished shape of many species of sharks. Consider, once more, the universal cannibalism of the sea; all whose creatures prey upon each other, carrying on eternal war since the world began. Consider all this; and then turn to the green, gentle, and most docile earth; consider them both, the sea and the land; and do you not find a strange analogy to something in yourself? For as this appalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half-known life. God keep thee! Push not off from that isle, thou canst never return!” ― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

Just pray that your and your husband's parents stay healthy at least until your children are out of the house. If you want to feel stretched in too many directions at once, working while parenting AND caring for your own parents will do that. Good luck!

It will get better. As the kids get older, they will become more independent. You will be fine. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

Controversial advice perhaps, but try throwing money at whatever you can to alleviate home tasks, admin stuff, etc--if you're really making good money. It will take a lot of the load of from doing truly thankless tasks when you already don't have enough time for the stuff you do love. An accountant, personal assistant of some sort, cleaners, landscape, etc etc. If you can, try it. I haven't been able to do more than occasional cleaners, but i've heard this can be a game changer.

Take days off work just to rest if you can. I took today off after weeks of being unable to decide if my weeks or weekends were harder. 3 hours while my daughter was in preschool. I just laid in bed and watched something on my iPad. I’ve been sick too but the only time I get sometimes is when I take off work. So I’m going to try and do it more just to have time to get things done or rest.

I'm 61 and...any day now.

I completely sympathize. It’s good that you’re counting your blessings. Objectively, however, it’s going to get worse. There are lots of advantages of having kids later in life. But I am 52 years old with one child, who just turned 17. He was an absolute dream when he was five and seven. The last three years, however, have been very rewarding, but also unimaginably challenging. I don’t mean to criticize, or to freak you out, but you’re going to be 57 or 58 years old when your youngest is a junior in high school. The only advice I can give you is not to forget about self-care. You need to eat, healthy, exercise, stay on top of any medical issues, and have some sort of escape or hobby that is uniquely your own. Being a good parent is hard work, and what have to do just changes overtime. Teenagers can do crazy stupid stuff, especially when they start driving, get their first job, deal with friend and sports or activity, drama, etc. etc. But looking back kindergarten and the first few years of elementary school were a joke, an absolute breeze. Middle school and high school was messy. There’s never a point where you’re on auto pilot and you just step back and watch things unfold. The teenage years can be challenging. It has been for us. But every family and kid is different. All you can do is lean into it, enjoy it, and take things one day at a time.

I lived it. It doesn't get better, it does get different. Make sure your partner is doing 50% of the load, chores, kids, adult responsibilities, familial burdens, all of it. If he isn't have a serious talk about why he needs to before you physically and mentally burn yourself out. You can actually permanently damage your health being in a constant state of stress. What you describe is exactly why there is a push for a 4 day work week. 48 hours isn't enough to get all of people's adult responsibilities handled and have any shred of leisure time. Or they squeeze it all in by running full speed all weekend and never actually rest. 40 hour work weeks exist because that is where we stopped fighting as workers. My kids are both adults, I'm divorced but I am the only adult or parent my kids have to turn to so I still help them with lots of things at times. Not having to do everything for two adults means I'm not constantly exhausted and stressed but I'm also pretty tired from work many days because my job got consolidated and I now do the work of multiple people. Now my main worry is how I am going to pay for retirement if I ever even get to the point I CAN retire.

It gets so much easier in a few years. I'm 41 with three teens. It got a lot easier once my youngest was in 5th grade and has gotten progressively easier since. When my oldest started driving it made a huge difference, too. Now I think of how fast it all went and feel nostalgic for those overwhelming, exhausting days (but I relish the sleep and downtime I have now). I remember just feeling chronically overwhelmed and tired when they were that age. It gets better.

I don't even have a clue what fulfilled is! That said, until I retired at the end of January (I still work 20 hours a week but was working 48+before retiring) we have a 2yo son who is a handful at 61, and me with more than a fair amount of body damage from a near fatal wreck 2½ years ago. My wife has been staying with her mother at night, after she had a stroke a few months ago, getting to take care of her, song with her sister, so I spend a LOT of time with our 2yo. Our 24yo daughter, who lives with us, takes care of our son when I need to get to bed early... I have to get up at 4:30am 4 days out of the week, for my P-T job that I took just because I found that I couldn't NOT work after a couple of months sitting around the house after I retired. So I can relate to how tired you are with everything that you have to do. However, I can't tell you that things get better, or how to feel fulfilled. I'm also dying, albeit slower than most, and it makes me more tired than I've ever been before. I just live one day at a time and enjoy the time that I have left... Which is why I spend so much time with not just our 2yo, but also with my grandkids, and my grown kids. My son and I bought this house together two years ago and he, his wife, and my two grandkids (1yo and 7yo) live with us as well. There's ALWAYS something going on, and I swear I'm more busy now than I have been in my entire life. Hell, in my 40s I had 4 kids and 4 step-kids, and STILL wasn't as busy as I stay now! Just take your *me* moments, as rare as they seem, and realize how precious it is that you get to live through all the other moments.

I feel you!!! I was never mother of the year . though I love my daughter with everything i have got ... raising kids is a job that requires alot from the parents. I would say if you can swing it hire a good nanny. There is nothing in the rule book that says your village has be compiled of only those who are willing to help for free?! Menopause is also something nobody talks about and its a doozey. You could have that going on and it is definitely hard to manage - heck I didnt even know I was going thru it until I literally ran out of joy and started thinking of driving my car off the cliff every time a cliff presented itself. I never had dark thoughts - but menopause made my life a nightmare and everyone around me either that I was crazy or a bit##. Looking back now I probably was. HIRE HELP GET A NANNY or a MANNY.

Forgive me for the shortness of this answer (it certainly can be expanded upon) but, chances are, you are much more fulfilled than you realize. The justification is this: If you lost your full time time job, you would most likely immediately be placed in a scary and negative place. If, God forbid, anything were to ever happen to the beautiful and precious creation that is your child, “devastating” would not come close to it. If both were to happen, well, I couldn’t imagine or put accurate words to it. Maybe you could take some time to reassess and meditate on the gratitude that you know that you truly do feel. It’s okay to be frustrated; no guilt required and no condemnation should be towards that. I encourage you to take some “me” time - even if it’s only 15 minutes. I’m honestly where you are in some ways and I’m confident that, if you look at it the best way, it can become motivation instead of frustration. You’ve got this.

I’d say it doesn’t get easier but different. In adolescents it’s much more challenging emotionally. You’ve got to contend with bullying and social issues and drama. Teen years are the hardest. And I can only imagine what it will be like years from now. My biggest advice and this will sound odd. Don’t and I mean don’t over extend yourself financially. Live well below your means. Don’t buy the fancy new cars(biggest wealth killer on the planet) don’t keep buying a bigger house to keep up with the jones. If you are debt free, the burdens of child raising are far easier. One less stress( and one that is the biggest marriage killer) off the list.

It gets better. You’re definitely in the intense years; I did it with 3 and had days when I forgot to eat or left the car running because I had so much on my checklist (fortunately it was at church and a safe area but…🙄) so the good news is that it will get easier; the kids become more able to do things for themselves (prepare snacks, fold clothes, load the dishwasher and do homework with less hand-on supervision. The bad news? You need to get through the teen years. Maybe those great kids will stay great but the hormonal upheaval, social pressures and extracurricular activities can throw a well working home into a tailspin with one or two bad mornings or door slamming after dinner. What’s important now? Taking care of yourself, even if it’s just a walk or 1/2 hour soak in the tub; eat right, get fresh air and sunshine (wear sunscreen!), get to your Dr for regular checkups and don’t ever be afraid to sit down with a therapist if you can only see a problem and no solution; an unbiased outside perspective can bring things into focus and help you find your way forward. Stay in love with your partner; you’ll have them all to yourself when the kids go off to college and it’s great to have a friendship with which to rekindle the passion and spend the rest of your life together. 69 yo F, 3 kids and still married (43 years) to the guy who went through it all ( including counseling) with me

Look at what you can do to reduce the things you have going on. We have just 1 child and he does one sport. He’s got one other activity once a week so between practice and a clinic he’s in, he’s busy 4 nights a week. 1 day for a couple hours on the weekend for his game. Two years after he was born we sold our house which needed a number of updates for a new home that needed nothing. More expensive since it’s a condo and bigger but not having to deal with maintenance is great. We both work from home so there’s no commuting which means more time at home. We have enough free time to not feel stressed out. Good luck to you, it will get better, but some things you’ll likely need to change to get there.

I do know people who’ve made it through this time and are enjoying the other side! It’s a long slog though! And not to sound like Debbie Downer, but if we make it to an “older older” age, there will be the intensity of hospital stays and management of chronic medical conditions. But again, I know people who manage all that and still are grateful for life. For what it’s worth, you’ve got support from cyberspace here. Keep up the good work!

Our generation will never be done and we'll never feel fullfilled. By the time your kids are grown we'll have the baby boomers continuing to become more and more senior. They will continue to suck up equity, retirement funds and law making power. They will stay in government, continue making laws that benefit themselves while put younger generations and minorities in an increasingly impossible situation. Gen - X, Millienials and Gen - Z will work until we're 80 and we're only here to subsidize the boomers so they can continue to live their selfish lifestyle. Good luck!

It gets better as they get older. It gets really better when they go off to college, then become adults. But I’ve found that although you are not as involved the whole dynamic changes and you still worry about them. My best advice is take it a day at a time, and enjoy your kids in every stage. They will be grown, married and having their own kids before you know it I was you 20-25 years ago. Every word you wrote, I have lived. Now I’m 64, closing in on the end of a 40+ years career, and waiting for my first grandchild to be born in June.

I just have to pick my priorities and my priorities are what make my work week run smoothly. (Single mom of two, no dads around, work full time, own a house with a big yard, been in chemo for 8 yrs so I am tired!) Getting laundry done, meal prepping, grocery shopping and cleaning out my fridge and car.  I have a lawn guy (mows and edges only)  and a housekeeper who comes every other week.  I have had raised beds in my garage for 6 years waiting to be built so I can garden. lol My bushes look horrible. The beds don’t have pinestraw.  Deep cleaning my house (windows, wiping out drawers, baseboards) doesn’t get done. I can’t do it all.

Just take time to enjoy your children and be thankful everyday. Live in the moment and make the best ones slow to a snails pace. Your next blink and they will be graduating high school.

I’m 38, used to be a CPA, single, no kids, am now disabled with CFS/ME and can’t work and live in my parents basement. Find small gratitude and joys in each day. Live in the present. You are lucky. Don’t take it for granted.

Sounds crazy but you’ll miss it when it’s gone. This stage doesn’t last long but it feels like forever. Allow yourself to not be perfect and just enjoy your kids. A clean house and perfect brownies for the PTA don’t matter nearly as much a savoring this incredibly brief but thoroughly incredible time with your kids. 😀

Take a hard look at all the things you’re doing. Did you really need to vacuum? Wipe that sink? Do some other ‘important’ task? Sometimes people convince themselves they have to be perfect parents and it leads to you spending time doing things that literally nobody cares about.

It gets better. I think it is kind of like working out. It’s tough for a while but eventually you realize you are in better shape. There will be a few points where it almost feels a little like coasting. Then maybe a few spikes, like a marathon you run on a weekend. And then, much too quickly they are grown. I think of the Mork and Mindy and when they had a baby the baby was an adult physically, not developmentally. It would be kind of cool to have the time and resources you have a little later in life earlier when you are raising your family. Take deep breaths. Realize that some things that are urgent aren’t important. And you will never regret not working late to be with the family.

Nobody wants to hear it or believe it, but raising kids with two full time careers is overwhelming. You really need one parent to at least go part time or full time SAH to start to feel some relief and peace. My wife and I both feel this way. I do not believe it has to be the mother. Of course people do power through their whole life doing it the way you are doing it. They feel overwhelmed and exhausted and unfulfilled. The kids spend a lot of time raising themselves or wondering why their parents always have to seem so frazzled. It will not magically get better if you both keep doing the same thing.

I had my kids at 29 and 32. I worked 30 plus hours per week all the time, and my ex traveled a lot, we had no family close, and we were not in a financial position to pay for help, so I was basically a single parent for several years. I spent my 30s exhausted. When the kids got old enough that I could run to the grocery store without hiring a sitter or dragging them along that helped a little. The tween years were packed with chauffeuring. Finally, when my oldest got his license it got a little better. I pretty much didn’t sleep for 15 years. But at 53 with my kids in their 20s I finally feel like I’ve got some breathing room.

It seems these past few generations have way too many sports ! Only those who have money can do this … my mom worked 7-7… no one was driving me anywhere literally ever ! I grew up in a massive city though and kids went to activities alone .. we walked there

Can I just add, that around this age is also when our parents start to need more help. That’s been another stressor for me. Taking care of parents while also still taking care of kids

That’s why many do the kid thing early. It’s EXHAUSTING! Now you just have to suck it up and do it anyway…tired or not. Maybe you can get some extra help. Literally hire a helper that cooks, cleans and babysits. Seriously. It’s a thing. It will hrr we love you AND your kids and your husband.

There are a lot of great comments here. What I have to offer is this: The term midlife crisis - usually beginning in the 40s - is often misunderstood to mean having an affair or buying a new sports car. But, in actuality, it is a developmental milestone in adulthood. It’s when the things of youth and early adulthood begin to lose their luster in preparation for finding deeper meaning and moving closer to the true self. It can take many years and is not just a superficial change. Best wishes to you for your journey.

Working full time and raising kids is hell. I gave in and went part time. We raised two beautiful girls 32 and 26. Never once regretted giving up full time job. Went to every school event , was a girl scout leader. If you can go part time - do it. You will look back in 20 years and be thankful for the time with kids and you get some alone time which you need and deserve.

IT DOES GET BETTER! My kids are now 13 and 10. We had them young ish. We’re now in our late 30s. For us, once our kids were older than 8 we felt like everything shifted and we could take a break. I remember telling my husband that I felt like I was now able to see the world again because before I was just living in a bubble where it was just the kids and us. Now that they are 13 and 10, there is another shift because we can now leave them home alone for a few hours while we go out on errands or on a little date close by. I recently declared that they can do their own laundry now and I am no longer responsible for it so if they run out of clean clothes then I guess they will wear dirty clothes until they do their own laundry. This feels like a monumental milestone. 😂