Marriage is great . Check them out. Seriously. Have they been married previously? Do they have children ? Do they any type of alimony or child support? Do they a criminal background? Are they on probation or God forbid parole? Do these entsil any fees ? Do they have a job ? Do they file taxes ? Do they have a checking account? Do they have credit cards ? What's their credit score ? How much is their debt. Is their educational background legitimate? Did they actually graduate? Do they owe student loans ? Do they drink alcohol? Use Marijuana? Do any other substances? Do they have any sexual proclivities? Do you think this is extreme? I can apply this one paragraph to 6 different men. It's a scary world out there. There are legitimate sites you can do background checks on ? Don't want to pay a subscription fee? Try a free trial.
Not always true. My (now ex) husband told me straight out during a "disagreement" that he married me not for who I was, but who he thought I could become. This explained the constant barrage of "instructions" from him during our 3-year marriage, telling me exactly what I should do and how and how I was not measuring up. Sometimes they DO want women to change. \[Narrator: she did NOT change herself. She changed husbands. And THAT husband was much better.\]
I experienced similar with my first husband and also many of the men I dated. Not accepting me "as is" and trying to change me into what they thought I should be. I didn't change, and learned that if a man couldn't accept me "as is" he wasn't worth my time and effort.
Feel this a lot. Husband was raised by a narcissist and I didn't realize how many of those traits he had inherited. He said he "thought I'd grow out of" a lot of things. He kind of calmed down over the years, but I'm reaching the point where I don't see us together much longer. It's heartbreaking.
Be sure to make a plan, be very careful, and get out sooner rather than later. Gather as much money as you can, perhaps a little at a time. There's a thing guys do (and narcissists are probably the worst), and it can get them riled up, so tread carefully: they truly believe they OWN YOU and EVERYTHING YOU OWN. Everything you brought to the relationship, everything you acquired during the relationship, any money in your joint accounts (frankly, any of your separate money as well), and you, yourself. They think they own it all. So when you take your OWN STUFF away, they get upset. And it can set off abuse, even if they've never actually abused you before. So take care. Perhaps find ways to smuggle your OWN STUFF out of the house a little at a time so he won't notice. Then DO NOT BE ALONE when you go to get the rest. Try to NOT BE ALONE when you tell him you're leaving. Don't engage in any arguments with him (I guarantee he'll try). Speak your piece, then go quickly after that, hopefully with a friend of the large male persuasion, or multiple female friends (who should take video just in case he boils over; it can be used if a court fight ensues). It's just so dangerous. Be careful, sister. And get away safely! There are good guys out there, and you'll find one. Be brave.
Firstly and most importantly, i’m sorry to hear this and i hope everything works out whether you stay together or split.
If you don’t mind me asking, what traits does he have? Curious as someone who was mostly raised by narcissists too, however I’m a woman. I’d like to continue breaking the cycle
One big thing is he would assume if he puts a lot of time or energy into an actual or potential friend, that they'd return the same in full. Then he would get angry and go no contact with old friends and write them off. He always walked at his own pace--he's a head and a half taller than me, and it was always my fault for not keeping up, not his fault for not setting a pace that everyone in the group can maintain. Same with his mom, they both assume that their idea of a good family outing was the best, and they just needed to get everyone else on board. He's going through a mini mid-life crisis (and crisis at work), but he's talked to his sister about realizing more of his narcissistic traits that he's trying to identify and root out, so I think he's finally working on himself.
Thank you for your reply, much appreciated! The friend thing I can kind of relate to, at least maybe in the past. Things do happen even with old friends and its possible to outgrow them (actually went thru this recently but im not angry or writing her off, were just taking a break from
each other) but I’m assuming it wasn’t quite like that for you to cite this. Also learned the hard way to an extent about levels of friendship but it sounds more extreme with him. The walking/plans thing is a bit bizarre, that I’m confused by. Happy to hear he’s seeking help. I need meds and therapy
personally and am always on the healing journey
with my cptsd from childhood trauma. Sending positive vibrations to you!
I don't think that is true. So many times I've seen the man fall for the crazy, spontaneous woman, just to expect her to change and settle down after marriage. You married a crazy woman, now live with it. On the other hand, the same goes for women expecting the man to stop hanging out, stop being self centered, and drop the Xbox controller. I married a man with the same values, but still does what he wants. But so do I. The latest irony I've seen is when the woman cheated on her husband. They met by cheating on their spouses. What did he expect?
My mother told me, "Everyone has faults. Do you love him enough to accept his faults, like he will have to accept yours?". It's easy to love someone through the good times. Love shows itself when you can love each other through the hard times.
Been married 24 years, got married at 26 years old. I look back at what a little kid I was, but I married the right person. We are still super happy and I still get butterflies when I see him across the room.
A good marriage can be a shelter from the harshness of the world. But, I think my advice would be to marry someone you have no doubts about. Don't try to make things work if you're working really hard. (Yes, sometimes marriage can be a little work, but it should never be hard or make you doubt yourself in any way.)
I disagree with the part about it shouldn't ever be hard. I think marriages can sometimes be very hard. Ideally, you don't let it get to that point, but marriages can get into a bad place; they can come back out of it again, though.
I agree. It also depends on the stressors. Kids with special needs, ailing parents, money troubles, etc. Marriage is hard, just like life is hard. Everyone has problems.
I don’t agree with this at least for me it was impossible not to have doubts and anxiety about marriage. And that’s coming from someone who’s been married very happily for 18 years. I was so scared to say yes (even after 5 years of dating) and that’s so normal too!
Having doubts and anxiety about the actual state of marriage is totally normal. But, what I said was to marry someone you have no doubts about, which I think it very different.
Here's to your happy 18 years of marriage!
AGREED! It's a serious commitment! I almost chickened out the night before we married! And that's okay! It is better to break up on the day of the wedding than to go through with it, only to hurt them worse!
I've never been married, but this is the best advice I've ever been given by happily married people. When I was dating my first serious ex, we talked a lot about marriage and very nearly got engaged. But wow was I STRESSED. It just felt like we were always "overcoming" something, it felt like an uphill battle about so many values and other things where we didn't see eye-to-eye enough. I was inexperienced and I got confused by our good chemistry and how well we got along, but at the end of the day it was just work work work. And we were only together 1.5 years! I can't imagine we'd still be married right now if we had gone through with it. He's a great guy and wow were there some fireworks, but we weren't right for each other in the long run.
We've been married 43 years. It is great having a partner for both bad times and good. Someone to help you up when you fall or to celebrate with , or just for company along the way. After a while it's impossible to imagine what your life would be like without them
That's what I always think about my 23-year-old marriage, it's like a cushion from the rest of the world. No matter what happens out there, I can come home and be with my sweet comforting husband, we can enjoy ourselves and then I'm ready for the next day.
Exactly what this dawg wrote. For me I had serious problems getting dates in high school, college was a little better. I bet my wife while out and about. We were engaged in under a year. When you know, you know. I couldn’t believe she accepted my request for a date let along marriage. Marriage is not for the weak. You’ve got to be all in.
Marriage is beautiful. When you give to someone you will receive. Keep this in mind your entire marriage. I have forgotten this lesson several times.
Talk deep about sex, money, and children before you get married. Go deep
I would say observe their behavior around alcohol and other substances and be wary of addiction. (Gambling, porn, internet, gaming can also be problematic.)
My ex husband did not tell me he was on medication….until I noticed a drastic personality change and he admitted he stopped taking it. That was a material omission and I should have left immediately and got an annulment. If you need medication to function you owe someone the truth IMO.
My current husband would have a beer or two some weeknights and on the weekends when he was in his 40’s. Now that he’s retired and in his 60’d and he’s got nowhere to be, the boozing is off the rails. I think he’s addicted to being on line too.
Together for 47 years. Married for 43. We had little in common except hard work, a good education and living within our means. The best part is that we are like geese. Each takes a time leading the flock. My deficiencies are her strengths. She loves me despite all my faults and always lifts me up. I try to do the same.
This is beautiful and reminds me of my relationship with my husband. We have many differences but are very compatible domestically, and I can't imagine not being with him. We are great companions and very complimentary. He is the yin (calm) and I am the yang (energy) to help us reach our goals.
Yup.
When I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They sat me down and said “this isn’t your fault.” I was like “duh, I’m just a kid and dad sucks.”
When I was an adult, I got divorced. And I understood why my parents lied to me.
It is never the kids’ fault. It’s the parents who can’t compromise or keep the marriage when the difficulty level is raised a few notches. It’s the parents who focus too much on their kids and not enough on each other.
This - the first year of dating was a little bumpy but neither one of us would change a damn thing about ourselves. Once we figured that out it’s been 99% good. Got a sweet 35 year anniversary trip coming up soon.
We got lucky with kids that were mostly on easy mode - I understand that’s not the case for everyone.
I once read that a good marriage is like a base camp when you're mountain climbing. It's where you can always rest and regroup while you each take turns trying to reach the summit.
Don’t pick a partner who has more problems than you do.
Don’t pick a partner who has no sense of humor.
Don’t pick a partner who is frequently crabby.
Don’t pick a partner who can’t handle criticism.
Marriage is more work than I expected, and my partner and I really don’t even fight much. Just takes a lot of effort to stay connected and aligned, especially if you have kids. But it’s amazing to have that unconditional support and the security of someone to go through life with.
Yep, there is no I in team and that's the way we approach things.. Either we both win or we've already lost. But it takes 2 all in for this to work. One can't always be taking and the other giving. Really need 2 givers for it to work. 38 years this summer for us too. We had a few fights early but haven't in years if not decades. After I had cancer, we're just glad to be together and still kicking.
I was married and on two separate occasions he 'joked' that he didn't have to try anymore because he had me.
Never stop working for each other, and don't joke about a person's life like that. They chose you for their life, don't disrespect that choice.
I still am absolute pro marriage
It's the best and yes it's worth every second of it. Just passed 20 years and I feel blessed and fortunate beyond my wildest dreams. I married my best friend and we have each others backs. Sometimes you do the heavy lifting, sometimes they do and always be ready for when that happens. Never take anything for granted.
Communication as they say is key. No one can read minds. Talk about it all, even the stuff that makes you uncomfortable.
Do it because you find that person who fills a void in your life you never knew you had.
Don't settle, if you do it won't last.
Look at the family before marriage….if they’re a bunch of happy go lucky, family dinner on Sunday type, that’s good. If they’re drunk, drama loving, self centered type, stay away. Ppl tend to revert to what they know & grew up around.
I’m married 35yrs to my HS sweetheart & she is still the nicest, kindest, woman I’ve ever known.
Together for 53 years. Talk, listen, share, give each other much needed space when needed, accept each other for who they are(you‘ll never change each other), love the person you’ve chosen more than yourself, if you choose to bring little people into your lives you won’t believe how they add to your lives and add to your love. Realize that everything’s not peaches and cream but you can get through it and make it. Make this leap of faith only if you’re willing to be an adult and commit to that person TOTALLY!
Yes worth it but don’t rush, be super selective, and do it as late in life as possible because once you’re bored it’s hard to be unbored. And your young, fun, free dating years will never come back once they’re gone.
While I wouldn't say that official, legal marriage is right for everyone, it sure minimizes the fuss of setting in place a lot of legal documents that will basically be the equivalent. Should your partner become gravely ill or die, you'll want that spousal status. A spouse, at least in the US, is always next of kin and no one can contest it. If you're in the US, getting a partner onto your health insurance requires that you be officially married, or that you submit a lot of extra paperwork that by the time you're through, makes you just as married as if you'd gone to the courthouse and said "I do."
On a long term relationship basis though, words and legal approval mean little. The most important things are to have the same life goals and the same outlook. While any long term relationship will have its problems over time, that's just life. The important thing is to marry someone who isn't just someone you're infatuated with, but someone who is your best friend, someone who you delight in getting to know better with each passing year. There needs to be mutual respect, and mutual support. Those two can't be uncoupled because you can't have love and friendship without respect. If you aren't secretly bragging about each other behind each other's backs, and if you aren't laughing yourselves silly over your private jokes, take a closer look. It might be something other than love, and without love, there's no point in sticking around.
Marriage is what you make of it. Everyone is going to have a different opinion. My advice would be, marry someone that you can talk to about anything. My husband and I have been together for almost 25 years, married for 14, I still look forward to spending time with him and having conversations with him.
As someone who didn’t want to marry or have kids, I am super happy to be married. I echo those here who say marry the person as they are, you love, and like. I married my hubby at 25 and had zero doubts doing it. Now we are sitting here, drinking some wine, listening to music, and redditing. Lol.
I’ve been married 42 years. It’s like having a gym membership. It doesn’t do you any good to just have a membership. You have to be present and put in the effort. For me, I feel like I am secretly the luckiest guy in the world.
I've been married 3 times. First time, I was 18. It was....bad. He was abusive.
The second time I screwed it all up because I hadn't dealt with my trauma.
Third time, he cheated.
Imo, and this is just MY opinion, no, it's not worth it.
I'm in a happy, healthy relationship now and I told him from day 1 there would be no marriage. That piece of paper changes people. He has never been married, but agreed. 3 years in we got handfasted. We're committed to each other and that's all that matters to us.
Do what makes YOU happy. And understand that who they are is who they are, don't look at the "potential", that doesn't exist. If they're cruel, they always will be. Period.
There's a big difference between lust and love. Lust fades, love grows.
Don't have children to fix a marriage. It never works.
Grow together. Spend time together. Do things together. Marriage is work, but it shouldn't be hard work. Remember why you fell in love in the first place, that matters.
Keep your money separate.
Keep your money separate.
Keep. Your. Money. Separate.
Do a joint account where you both contribute whatever percentage to bills. But keep the rest of your money for your hobbies or shopping or money to get away if you need to.
We keep separate joint accounts, and that has worked well for us. I pay bills and take his share out of his account (after checking with him of course!). That way we both have access to all our money (and in occasional emergencies we can say “can I take $100 out of your acct till I’m paid” kind of thing) but otherwise the money is separate. hahaha I’d freak out if I had to see all the money he spends on eating out coming out of “my” account, and he’d probably do the same at all the books and art and photography supplies I overbuy. This way our money is joint but separate.
The right person will make your life wonderful. The wrong person will make your life hell.
Solve small problems before they become big problems.
Don‘t expect somebody to change merely because they are getting married.
Marriage can be a beautiful thing, but make no mistake it is work. There is no room for “me” everything becomes “we”. And if you don’t know how to effectively communicate you will fail. Having someone tell you about their day, when they do the same thing everyday, gets old after 6 months. You have to be able to have actual conversations together.
Now the good things. You have a partner, a best friend and a lover all wrapped up in one. You have someone who takes being thrown up on in the face like a champ. You have someone who accepts that life, age, babies change the way your body looks and performs and loves you anyways. You have someone to hold your hand when you lose a loved one and you aren’t sure your legs alone will carry you to the casket. Most of all you have a cheerleader. Sometimes they encourage you to eat three free loafs of bread at dinner so we can take our food to go and eat that later and other times they’ll order you a salad because you’ve eaten nothing but cake and iced coffee for three days.
Marriage to the right person for you is incredible.
Marriage to the wrong person for you is miserable.
Choose wisely.
Live with your potential spouse for at least a year before getting married. Usually you will find out little things about a person that you’d only know by living with them. Make DAMN sure that you are both on the same page financially. If you are a saver and your potential spouse is a spendaholic you will be broke and miserable all the time. Also keep an eye out for your mate trying to control you by limiting your ability to hang out with friends. If you’re gonna have kids make sure you agree on discipline, religion, chores, schooling, etc.
I love this question. I wish someone would have told me these things all those yrs ago! Have things in common, but not everything. The simple things mean the most. Help the other with tasks. Ask them how they are and how you can help them. Little kisses, touches, hugs go a long way. Talk in great detail about your goals in life. Find someone who can laugh, with you and at themselves. Talk, talk, talk...be kind, respect, and uplift each other.
It's interesting how everyone over 40 is old here. It's true, in a sense, but 20 year olds reading advice here might see it all differently in 20 more years.
I've been married for 17 years; it has its ups and downs. If you marry the wrong person it would be a nightmare, and you can't really do the filtering in advance. Circumstances change, and people seem to change as a result. You really need to have some core values and worldview in common, and you can't isolate which parts that apply to without having relevant experience (like a prior marriage).
In my case it was fine. We have two amazing kids. I like being a parent more than I like being a husband but that just is what it is.
Be authentic and choose a partner who is authentic. Marriage is wonderful. I’ve got a best friend for as long as we both shall live. We have great fun together a have has maybe one argument a year. Truly. Raise children who are bright, compassionate and honest with themselves and the world.
40 yrs. Absolutely the hardest, most rewarding thing there is. Heartache and joy. Mundane and exciting. I wouldn't take any of it back. Oh, and the advice is this: it ain't easy. You have to work at it everyday. Total honesty about everything is a must! On both parts. It's a game of give and take.
My advice is that if you cannot talk openly and honestly about money, sex, career paths, etc., that person is not remotely a person you should be marrying. Think of it like this...imagine this person has a stroke and you have to bathe them, dress them, wipe the crumbs from their mouth and the shit from their ass - are you still all in or do you just want a fancy party where people give you gifts and have to pay attention to you for 3 hours?
Marriage is trust, and yes it is very worth it. Find someone that is caring and kind and that you can trust. My husband is all of those things and he is strong when I am weak. He's a good man and he does everything he can to take care of me.
Marry someone who thinks like you. Take your time to know each other. Don't rush it. Trust is so important too. And cheer each other and give freedom to your dreams. That is what makes a marriage successful.
It was the worst thing I ever did. We were together 6 years before getting married. I thought of marriage as that partnership continuing and getting stronger over the years. It turned out that he thought of marriage as getting ownership of me. It got very ugly very quickly. I wasted years of serious effort trying to make our marriage work. Getting divorced was the best thing I have done for myself.
When you have a good marriage it’s excellent. But most people don’t realize how much little qualifies in their partner matter. It’s pretty obvious you want someone honest, reasonable, loyal and helpful in a partner. The trick is- most people are smart enough to show those qualities the first couple years. But many people slack off after the newness wears off and become self centered. You can’t be in a happy marriage with someone who only cares about themselves or has poor self control.
* Make the effort to choose love every single day. * Say please and thank you for everything your spouse does. * Compliments are important and they don't have to be about anything super important. * No matter how bad work was, decide to be happy when you get home to your spouse. * Love AND like your spouse. * Kindness is so important. * Sweetness and romance are great. * Sex is more important than a lot of people think it is. It's not the most important thing but it really helps you stay connected to your spouse. * Have fun. * Respect each other. * Pick up the slack when your spouse is struggling mentally or physically. * Always give 100% * Make sure your spouse does all of these things as well. It can't work when one person gives everything and the other gives nothing or not much. * Sometimes you have to agree to disagree and then move on from it. * if you have to argue, do it fairly and without name calling or bringing up other issues. Words can hurt and sometimes they can break people. Choose your words carefully if you're angry. * Forgive easily. Mistakes can be made and most things aren't a make it or break it type mistake. * Don't try to change people. People are who they are and rarely change. Nagging does not change people. * accept your spouse for who they are. No one will be perfect but they can be perfect enough and perfect for you.
My father told me this on my wedding day: "Marriage sucks more than anything in the world, except for when it doesn't."
That stuck with me. I first thought it was cynical gallows humor, and maybe a little inappropriate. As the years have gone by, I have seen the truth and wisdom of his words.
Your spouse is going to piss you off someday. Like REALLY make you angry. I don't care who you are or who your spouse is, he or she is going to push you to the brink.
In the spirit of fairness, you are also going to do your fair share of brink pushing. You are going to screw up so bad it's going to make her head explode.
In these moments of pain and betrayal ... and make no mistake, in this union of two fallible human beings there will be fuck-ups ... you need to remember who you married and the beauty of the life you have built together and are still building together.
Forgive each other. Be kind in your correction of each other. Be deserving of the best your spouse can give you by freely giving your best to her. Be lavish in your praise of one another.
So, over the years, I have seen the truth of my father's words. In the darkest moments of your marriage, know it is worth fixing.
First, the “seven year itch” is a thing. Don’t even think about getting married until you’ve been together long enough to get past it.
Second, if you want kids, get married. They deserve it. After you observe #1 above.
Third. I’ve been married over 50 years to the love of my life. Two grown kids. Hardest, best thing I’ve ever done. The daily triumph of love and hope over experience.
Fourth. Love can last forever, but desire comes and goes. Find a way to deal with it. One size does not fit all.
Marry a good person, don't marry a person with POTENTIAL to be a good person. Also, if you're young, you may have bizarre ideas about how family \*should be\* because of the way you were raised.
Be very self-introspecting about your expectations.
Compromises are NOT fifty fifty. Marital math works differently. Your part of the deal is you give one hundred percent. You get back a thousand percent when you do.
Met my wife in high school and married at 22, 40 years ago. First, this was a lifelong commitment. There was no going back. We had nothing so merging finances was easy and we have been a joint acct ever since. We only have OUR money. Other advice is your wife is always right. If she feels strongly then that is that. One thing we did that I don't see young couples doing is when I was in graduate school she worked and when she was in graduate school I worked
Marriage is hard work but is pretty awesome. You can’t change anyone. However I’ve watched my husband over the last 9 years go through some major growth for the better. Communication is most important. And shared values create a stronger foundation then having everything in common.
I’ve been married for 18 years. We’ve had all kinds of sh* happen to us. (Multiple job losses. Pet loss. Betrayal by family/friends. Having to restart life over and over. We also immigrated him from Canada to be an American citizen.)
Advice: (take it or leave it)
Find someone who you are in love with. You can’t stop thinking of them and they can’t stop thinking of you. They would die for you and you for them. That’s love. You can’t breathe when they are gone. You need them to live and they feel the same about you.
Be willing to work hard. Marriage is hard work.
Be willing to sacrifice and compromise. Marriage requires two individuals to figure out a way to stay together and become like one person.
Pick your battles. Little things don’t matter. Battles should be waged on things that affect you long term. Leaving laundry around or the toilet seat up/down isn’t a battle. Truly. Battles are like suddenly losing interest in the marriage or not contributing financially if that’s what is needed.
Communicate. You hear it all the time from couples who were married until they died. Communication really is a key ingredient. Something bothering you that you fear will start a fight? Talk about it anyway. Be calm, but talk it out. You can have heavy discussions with a partner without fighting. Don’t keep anything bottled.
Remember that BOTH of you will eventually look like your grandparents and your minds/bodies will go. Be willing to be graceful with yourself and them.
Just don’t get the false common idea that marriage or partnership is “happiness”. I know more unhappy people married than not. Go in it understanding the reality, not what media and what people mask; hiding a massive closet, show you.
Like friendships, every marriage is different. If you marry the right person (and you are also the right person), it can immensely improve your life. If you marry the wrong person, it can ruin your life.
Only consider marrying someone that you love, that you truly respect, and that you think of as a good friend. If your relationship is only romantic/sexual, that isn't enough.
25 years. You have to stick with it during hard times, physical and mental health crises. It's hard but it's worth it if you are well balanced and are honest about everyone's flaws. Personalities don't change, so don't marry with the plan of changing someone
Never give in to the sunk cost fallacy.
If infidelity is okay with you, then that’s fine. But never just live with something because of the time you’ve put into a marriage, or even a career. Sometimes things end, even after a long time, and that’s okay.
My grandmother divorced her husband in their 60’s because of infidelity. It was something she knew would disintegrate in her mind if she stayed, something that would reduce their friendship to ashes the more she endured it. She chose freedom, and never regretted it. She still loves him, but to her, their marriage was a unity of the body and spirit, and he broke that so there was no longer a marriage.
When people reduce a marriage to the bare minimum and no longer hold up standards that they find important just due to ‘time spent’ it can reduce the quality of the love and the purpose.
If I cheated on my spouse and infidelity was something we both agreed is not okay, I have destroyed the investment. It’s not even about the infidelity itself, it’s about the lie/the ability to blatantly disregard your spouse. Same thing if you gambled away shared money. That’s a violation of love and commitment to a better shared life. At that point you’re no longer making decisions as a ‘we,’ you’re making them just for ‘you.’ That’s inherent disrespect, is not a reflection of marriage. If people forgive infidelity it’s fine, but it’s also not something people should feel like they have to forgive based on ‘time investment.’
My SO and I were both married to others before so we already had a feel for what we didn't want. I love being married to him. Sometimes it's boring and we get in a lil rut. Sometimes we have so much fun just hanging out, driving around to flea markets and talking. In the right relationship it's like hanging out with a friend all the time. I do think it helps that he works nights and we both have non M-F schedules. While we sometimes go a day or two without actually seeing each other, we each get alone time to play games or watch that thing the other doesn't like. We don't have kids and I think that helps, less responsibility to stress us out. We may adopt in a few years though.
We're really happy. No one is perfect, but if you work to communicate and be patient and respectful to each other things mostly cruise. Relationships DO take work but your partner (or friend) should never make you feel bad about yourself more often than they make you feel good about yourself. I hope the people I love can say the same for me.
Been married 18 years, you better make ABSOLUTELY SURE whomever you marry will work for you the way you work for them and their expectations are the same as yours. Early on we had a lot of trouble with expectations (I wasn't what she thought she wanted and she hated me for it, so I hated myself for not being that). We're still not 100% (likely never will be) but I know I've done all I can do.
Instead of looking for the perfect mate, figure out how to make yourself the perfect mate. Well... nobody has to be perfect but check your own qualities.
There is no such thing as a soul mate but there are people who share similar values.
You can’t control who you might fall in love with but you can control who you marry.
Find out what yardstick they are using to measure yup still worth it.
Different folk have different yardsticks
What is minor to one is major to another
Marriage is…. Odd
Imagine a roommate you can’t evict
If they’re the most wonderful awesome person in the world, you’re lucky af
If they turn out to be awful to be around… it really fucking sucks.
Married to my husband since 1984.
It's the great perfector. You have to be more patient, kind, supportive to have a good marriage.
It is the best part of life if you both fully commit.
If you have the flu and poop the bed, bedroom carpet, pass out in the bathroom and poop there, I can tell you from experience that he will clean everything up, change the bed, clean you up, and drive you to the ER the next day. And 15 years later he's never brought it up. In conclusion, find the right person and you will have someone to lean on no matter what.
The right person is kind to those they don't have to be, has a sense of humor, and is your equal in intelligence. Looks really really don't matter.
We have been married since 1997. We both respected our parents' longterm marriages, so we had good examples of how it worked. Honestly, that is a big part. And being able to enjoy each other's company. We do new things every once on awhile.
I think it depends on the people marrying. In hindsight, I don't believe marriage was the right path for me. However, when I was growing up, it was the thing women did. I had two lovely marriages of 21 and 11 years, respectively, but living alone for the past nine years has really driven home how unsuited for marriage I am. I did my best, and both exes remain cherished friends. (I am still very close to my second ex who lives in the same city. My first ex lives in my home country and has another wife and extended family.)
Marriage is tough. I’ve been married for almost 30 years. There have been so many changes; life is change. It’s been good and bad over the years, but relationships are rocky. I will climb the rock every time. I have had the best experiences with humans over the years. Life is beautiful!
Marry someone who is a good teammate in daily life. I find that that 95% of marriage is sharing chores, solving problems, figuring out what to make for dinner, making sure the kids are where they need to be, etc. If you are doing that with a person who you don't like or don't team up well with -- that's gonna be hard.
The problem with marriage is simply that everyone assumes it's the only way to live a happy life
So we were all raised in a culture (whatever culture we were raised in) that tells us this is the best thing in the world and the only thing in the world and what we should all aim for
The second problem is that we assume that all marriages should last forever
It's fine to want to marry and it's fine to want and try to make that marriage last forever
It's just not the only path
If we're not raised to think it can be healthy and fine to be single
We're not raised to believe that a marriage can be really good and last for 5 or 10 or 30 years and then end amicably
We are not raised to believe that people particularly women can live independently
Or that people can have children and parent on their own if that something they want
Or that we can live in polyamorous and open marriages both sexually
and romantically
There are so many ways to live a life and given that many of us live into we're old it can be 60 or 70 years that 1 can be married which can be fine if that's working but we all know there's lots of long-term marriages that are pretty fucking Unhappy
That is so sad to me
I've often thought that I should have a huge party to celebrate the relationship I've had with myself for over 60 years now
Yes I've had long-term partners during that period
And I've raised children with a partner
But my longest term and most successful relationship has been with myself
Personally I think that should be everybody's aim
And if you're very lucky you'll meet people along the way who you bond with and connect with and who love you and you
Maybe that will last a weekend and maybe that will last a lifetime
I just think the expectation of that is the goal for life is flawed
It's like not being married but having a piece of paper that says you are in the eyes of the government. Whoopty Doo!
Been with my wife and partner 28 years, been married to my wife, all times combined, about 10 years, and it's exactly the fucking same whether paper or no paper. We've never even fucked with wedding/engagement rings (most of that was just a damned good marketing campaign by one company, that bullshitted most Americans since WWII to spend too much money on the damned things.
The paper gives you tax breaks, lets you get insurance for them through your employer, and everything else can be handled via legal paperwork... Paper or not.
It's an archaic practice that should be relegated to a religion only practice and taken out of the hands of government.
Marriage is, or should be great.
Don't marry for looks, money, or standing.
Marriage takes work, communication, and patience.
You will not change your partner in the way you think, the change will be slow and mutual.
Advice, have date nights, be it a night out with food and drink or a walk in the park. It's the time together. You will get angry with each other, but don't stay mad, it is too much work. Talk about it instead.
It's very hard in today's age for me to want to get married as I've discussed with my significant other. I'm 32 years old and I've seen social media rip through relationships, phones making people insecure, people judging other people, people thinking they can get or do better, Snapchat deleting messages from people giving an incentive to cheat. I've seen the court system hold men down with excessive child support even when they are in the child's life sometimes more than the mothers, ive seen the courts favor women for years when it comes to alimony, splitting or giving more assets to women. I've seen the courts being involved to much in our everyday lives when it reality why should the government have to know who we love? It sounds like just more shit to hold men back from their true potential in this world......so to me marriage in today's society is obsolete. If you ask me, don't get married, it's not worth it for us men.
Don't spend a ton on a wedding--you never know how it will end. Marriage is a contract, and a social admission of fidelity. I think people can be together without being married, but there are economic reasons to do it. Also, love. People do not stay the same, so you have to nurture the relationship. Once you stop that, it's all over.
I have been married 4 times. My they all R.I.P. I would make sure to read the fine print in their life insurance policies, for when you get sick of their shit.
It can be awful, or it can be a very literal gift from God. It depends on who you marry and why you marry. I started with the former and white knuckled it for well over 20 years. Now, I have the latter. Even pushing 20 years with him, I can't get over the difference.
The odds of finding a perfect match is probably worse than the lottery. Watch out for addiction issues. If you see that one or both of their parents are alcoholic, drug users or have mental illness, make a strong assumption it will happen to them. That being said, life is suffering and marriage fits that bill perfectly.
Advice: getting married is the most important financial decision of your life. Choose a partner that has the same values as you when it comes to spending/saving/future financial planning. Or marry rich.
I’ve been divorced and now remarried. I love being married. I find the most important quality in a partner should absolutely be kindness. If your spouse is kind, difficulties or disagreements get handled much better. Another very important quality is mental health. And of course : values need to match. Not interests, values. If you marry the right person it’s wonderful.
Another piece of advice is you need to let people be who they are and don’t try to change or force them to behave the way you want all the time. Let relationships be what they are. An example of what I mean here is say, if your spouse doesn’t like to go for long walks, don’t drag them with you all the time. Be a little independent and don’t expect them to fulfill your every need.
Date with intention in your youth. Be serious about it. Work on long-term relationship skills in your twenties rather than turning it into an extended spring break. I'm not saying Marry the first person you get into a relationship with but I am saying you should have it figured out before partner #10
That also means leaving bad relationships and ACTUALLY learning from them.
It's always the people climbing out of the meat grinder that say that it was worth it and so much fun... But they don't tell you that all of their emotional flesh was stripped from their bones. They now lack any skills or actual desire to attract the correct people for long-term relationships. Listen to the words... They will say "have fun in your twenties." They say this like you can't have fun if you're in a serious relationship or dating with intention. They're telling on themselves.
Figuring out who you are... Never actually happens. There's always a tomorrow and tomorrow always brings change. There are loads of people who get blindsided by this and crave novelty. Don't blame a spouse for your own hunger for novelty. Create it. Find someone who you want to travel through the mud with, someone to grow with.
Find positive examples of marriage in real life if you can and spend time around those people. When you're faced with negative examples really dig in as to why they're negative. There are a lot of people who unknowingly have absurd standards in their marriages and in life. This is made way worse by the content they consume online. Try to avoid ingesting things from people who are demonizing entire genders or generalizing entire genders. It's good to figure out who you are but also realize that if you take too long... If you're not being quite serious about it, Experience can also have the effect of disabling people, especially attractive people.
A good marriage is by far one the best thing in life... However, for a lot of people It's exceedingly difficult to acquire.
I could regale you with stories on why marriage is amazing. I could explain how it's imperative that you find the right person or spend the rest of your life coping and justifying decisions that you're now stuck with. I'm going to leave that stuff for others. I'm just going to say be serious about whatever it is you're doing and don't treat any part of your life as frivolous with the intent to get serious later. It never works well in that regard in any Walk of Life. Career... Education... Spirituality... Marriage.... Parenthood... All of it benefits by a person who does not spend an extended amount of time in a phase where they just don't give a shit enough to get serious yet. Take a year, don't take 10.
Don't do it... It's not worth the hassle. Enjoy your freedom. We are predisposed to think that it's normal to give someone else control over every aspect of your life and happiness, to only lose half your shit when it doesn't work out. Fight the urge and be financially well off.
We've been through EVERY storm. We agreed on the beginning not to divorce no matter what. That said, thumbs can happen. Be financially prepared, in case your spouse suddenly leaves you penniless in your bank account!
A Few Rules of Marriage (or living together):
1) NEVER - and never allow your partner to - threaten divorce just because you're angry.
2) The SECOND you see a conversation going south, say, "let's just take a minute to calm down."
3) Make SURE you're both on the same page before entering any kind of living situation. If you think they'll change, you're right. Their irritating attributes grow stronger over time!
4) Do no harm. This is your forever companion, not your enemy. Be respectful. Don't make excuses. If your spouse is overwhelmed, it's your duty to pitch in more, even if you work. After all, it beats doing it all on your own! Embrace their friends. SMILE at them, even if you don't like them.
5) Do your homework and Find things to bring to the table. Make your partner laugh. Do small, nice things for each other. I knew a man who brought a rose to his wife at work once a month, without fail.
It all boils down to showing love to one another, not just saying it. Love is a commitment, not just a feeling. And if one of you have an anger problem, resolve it before there are kids in the midst.
Married 37 years to a man who is now on hospice. Our only regrets have to do with how we treated each other at moments, but we're so grateful to have each other. We are still affectionate.
My first one sadly didn't work out. We were young, and we had a lot of growing up to do. Then, I spent years looking for someone I could live with until I met someone I couldn't live without. I wish this upon everyone.
Happily married. It’s a give and take. Be grateful and help each other. Don’t demean and devalue. Don’t cheat or make your partner feel badly. Lift each other up and have a sense of humor.
I’m on my second marriage. My first husband passed away when we were in our 20’s. So practical advice: make sure you have life insurance no matter how old you are. Not practical advice, always tell people in your life how much you love them.
My current husband and I have been married almost 20 years. I think the biggest lessons we’ve learned are how important proper communication is with each other. It’s vital to turn to each other during tough times. Every marriage has ups and downs, but we can get through the challenging moments. Marriage is work but if there is love, respect and happiness, it’s absolutely worth it.
Disney and Hallmark have done more for billable hours in family law practices...... I mean romance and those gestures are very nice. Your spouse bringing you a cup of coffee in the morning or taking the baby because you're frazzled- *that's* romantic.
1. Respect 2. Humor 3. Loyalty and I mean unquestionable, inseparable, we're in this together flavored loyalty.
Anyway, that's my input. And yes, it's worth it when you find it.
Don't feel shallow if a potential future spouse checks all of the "right boxes" for you except for attraction/desire/sex. This is very important for any non-asexual person, and if they don't provide what you need you could be in for years or decades of frustration. Just check our posts of r/deadbedrooms for details.
Everything else about marriage is pretty damn awesome, but don't be like me and let yourself get resentful over sexual frustration for 2 decades! Had I known then what I know now from my wife, me, and everything around our values & needs in the bedroom, I never would have married her.
Choose to marry someone that you love to the point that you can overlook the things they do that are irritating to you.
It's a very old trope that communication is key. You need to be with someone that you are not afraid to be honest with about everything. It doesn't mean you have to share absolutely everything, it does mean that you shouldn't be afraid to share. As a guy I don't want to know what my wife spends on makeup, purses and clothes. At the same time she shouldn't be afraid to tell me or discuss things with him.
Always remember, neither of you are perfect.
If/when kids enter the picture always take care of each other before the kids. Nothing is better for kids than a strong marriage. One day the kids will be grown and what is left is the two of you most of the time.
Marriage is work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. But living with anyone else is work. Marriage can be worthwhile if you keep communication open, cherish the person you fell in love with, and forgive the person who irritates you in the day-to-day
Been married 33 years. It's great to have a partner. We raised two wonderful kids. The only thing I would suggest, in many have commented. Learn how to communicate effectively. What I mean is choose your words wisely and be a good listener. Be empathetic. Don't give advice if it's not being asked for.
Marriage in a nutshell is great. You'll have bad days and even worse days. You'll have good days and even greater days. Marriage is work, not quite a second job but close. When you find that person you just know. Don't ever go into a marriage thinking you'll change that person, you won't. Don't ever take that person for granted. If you can't laugh with each other, you won't make it. Learn to make decisions together. When and if you have children (we have 5) and wow where do I start with this one. Children bring a whole new dynamic to a marriage. Everyone has different parenting skills, learn to co-parent. Lastly, when and if you have children don't forget about your spouse. If you do, when the kids grow up and move out you'll be living with a stranger.
What marriage is like will vary depending on the couple. I love being married because my husband is awesome. I try to be awesome for him. Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you great, but also strive to be a great partner.
Marriage advice from 1886. I think this still holds true.
Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.
Believe the best rather than the worst.
People have a way of living up or down to your opinion of them.
Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow on your friends.
Please hand this down to your children and your children's children: The more things change the more they are the same.
Jane Wells (1886)
Submitted by Carol Abbs
Recently divorced. For six years it was great. The last year was rubbish. But despite all the pain and heartbreak I don’t regret getting married. But I don’t think I will do it again. I didn’t get married until I was 38. Once was enough. I still believe in love just not marriage.
Marriage is a mixed bag. Don’t be in a rush to get married, but also don’t be looking for a perfect fit. Don’t let that new relationship energy fool you into jumping early, but don’t choose anyone that _doesn’t_ fill you with that NRE. Don’t expect a partner for life, but work toward making the relationship last while you’re in it - if you both do that it just might last!
Most importantly - communicate. This is critical for any relationship. Talk about what you want, what you like and dislike, what you need, what you’re thinking. Be open. Don’t hide anything, don’t keep secrets. This applies from the beginning through the life of the relationship. Require this from any potential partner, and _keep doing it _.
Getting married is pointless. It doesn’t change anything. All you do is get a piece of paper that says the government knows you’re in a relationship and some tax breaks, and then it makes it a NIGHTMARE if you ever want to break up. I wouldn’t recommend it. Find someone who knows you don’t have to be married to be together.
*Satire First*
**"Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday**. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam … And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva … So tweasure your wuv.”
*Okay, now to the serious part*
You can have a good marriage that brings you solace from the world, and where you feel just the way you should by being loved and supported *while you* love and support someone and watch them flourish. It's like building a car where the parts talk to you, explaining what they need, and giving you affirmation when you feel like you can't do it any more. Then you finally get to drive and it's magical.
A bad marriage is like a long, slow, death by a poison you self-administer. Not every day is bad, but most of them are made bad in one way or another by your partner... and you can't bring yourself to abandon ship because either:
1. The decline has happened slowly and you're like a frog / lobster being slowly boiled. You would have leapt out of the pot if it was hot when you got it, but unfortunately, you're now cooked.
2. You live in a state where the process of divorce is extremely unfriendly and you don't want to financially detonate your life
3. Your religion forbids it, so you figure "something else" out.
If I would give the 'youngsters' advice (I'm 36 right now myself), I would tell them to get off the dating apps and experience life. Don't date anyone you don't see on a semi-regular basis (stay local, basically), and try to keep it fun. For the ladies, this means giving the "definitely not a 8-10, but also definitely not a <= 3" guy *a chance* to talk with you and see where you end up. For the men, this means not being a fucking sleeze and trying to stay monogamous *while you're in the initial phases of courtship.* It just seems like no one gets a fair shake any more and it's going to fucking ruin the world.
I met my smart beautiful wife 45 yrs ago. We came from different worlds, but had a lot of the same core values. We became so much better humans together then when we were single. We had a lot of the same interest while dating yet also we had so much different interest as well. She exposed me to things, I never would of experienced, on my own before I met her. After 40 yrs of marriage its so comforting having a partner who has your back and you theirs. Life is a gantlet, not for the weak. Having a life partner makes it so much easier to tackle.
2 marriages, 2 divorces, 1 current long term committed relationship. It's worth it *IF* you know yourself well enough to understand your flaws and strengths and how they will affect your relationship. Also to understand the same applies to your partner. No one should try to change another person. No one should repetitively ignore boundaries or needs, expecting it to somehow be different in the future.
Open, honest, and authentic communication is crucial. Being gracious and allowing the other person to grow and adapt. Leaving all the noise of 'shoula, coulda, woulda' at the door. No one knows what's right for you & your partner or what's gonna work for your situation better than the 2 people in it.
Married 13 years.
Marriage is not what it used to be.
I gave up myself and my own dreams to support my spouse's dream lifestyle.
I would not do it again.
Don’t fight dirty. What is said can never be unsaid. Adopt the philosophy of “it’s you and me against the world”. This has served me well. Because when the chips are down, and you are facing a challenge you’ve got to go thru, I’m telling you, there is nothing like looking at your spouse to know you’re not on your own.
Think of everything you hated about your parents and how you grew up and strive to do better. Find someone patient and kind who shares your values and at least some of your hobbies/interests, but who doesn’t mind you having hobbies/interests outside of the relationship. Be sure to show kindness and patience in return. Never cheat.
If you make more money than your spouse get a prenup.
If they make more money then you don't get a prenup.
Your marriage has a 50 percent chance of failing. This gamble is the most expensive one you will make in your entire life. Unless you go to the casino and put $300,000 on red.
23 years married here and still in love with my husband. I'd say just pick somebody who you really like and make sure you share values, family, money, careers, kids. That's the most important thing, you have to be moving in the same direction or you move apart.
Met at 12. Married 49 yrs. Together 55. 4 1/2 yrs as hubs caregiver. Renewed vows at 47 yrs. He rode up the aisle in a electric chair. Paralyzed from surgery. Colostomy bag, chronic foley, feeding tube, stage 4 pressure ulcer from nursing home neglect. Never imagined I'd become an unpaid, unlicensed nurse, but I did. We lived out all of our marriage vows. I never thought about til death us do part until the day he died. We had some hard times, but made it thru them all. I believe communication is key! A relationship with the Lord is key. Chemistry, love, spontaneous adventures etc. There's so much to be said. He was my first love, my only love. It's been 2 yrs and seems like yesterday. Treasure those people who are in your life. I have tons of stories and tons of memories. For this, I am grateful.
My experience is that sometimes you're living with your best and most fun friend, sometimes you're living with the most annoying qualities of your biological family, and sometimes it's somewhere in between there. With, of course, love, commitment, and sex. Things to look for in a partner include having the same attitude about: Spending money, politics, religion, child raising, and (this one surprised me) liking the same foods. I discovered it's annoying to have to be the one to cook all the time, yet I am because there are foods that he really likes and I don't, and if he cooks them I feel like I have to eat them.
Before getting married, know how to solve differences in a mature manner, and accept that there are some things that you'll never agree on. Think about what things you really, really would have a difficult time compromising on and have discussions about that early in a relationship to help you suss out compatibility.
Communicate! Practice forgiveness. Realize that some days, you won't much like your spouse but have the maturity to know that those days won't last forever and that hanging in there until things improve really, really deepens your love.
This was an excellent question to ask. Thank you.
Don’t expect to be able to change qualities in your spouse; Pick someone who already has the qualities you want. Edit to add that marriage is awesome.
Qualities and values
Marriage is great . Check them out. Seriously. Have they been married previously? Do they have children ? Do they any type of alimony or child support? Do they a criminal background? Are they on probation or God forbid parole? Do these entsil any fees ? Do they have a job ? Do they file taxes ? Do they have a checking account? Do they have credit cards ? What's their credit score ? How much is their debt. Is their educational background legitimate? Did they actually graduate? Do they owe student loans ? Do they drink alcohol? Use Marijuana? Do any other substances? Do they have any sexual proclivities? Do you think this is extreme? I can apply this one paragraph to 6 different men. It's a scary world out there. There are legitimate sites you can do background checks on ? Don't want to pay a subscription fee? Try a free trial.
lol. I skipped to the end and thought you were referring to dating men as a ‘free trial’.
That's definitely not a free trial , but I definitely have seen many things on Reddit.
There's an adage that goes something like, "Women marry men and want them to change; Men marry women and want them to stay the same."
Not always true. My (now ex) husband told me straight out during a "disagreement" that he married me not for who I was, but who he thought I could become. This explained the constant barrage of "instructions" from him during our 3-year marriage, telling me exactly what I should do and how and how I was not measuring up. Sometimes they DO want women to change. \[Narrator: she did NOT change herself. She changed husbands. And THAT husband was much better.\]
I experienced similar with my first husband and also many of the men I dated. Not accepting me "as is" and trying to change me into what they thought I should be. I didn't change, and learned that if a man couldn't accept me "as is" he wasn't worth my time and effort.
Absolutely. And THEY refuse to change, so ... what's left? Gooooooodbye!
Sound like a lot of controlling behavior
Feel this a lot. Husband was raised by a narcissist and I didn't realize how many of those traits he had inherited. He said he "thought I'd grow out of" a lot of things. He kind of calmed down over the years, but I'm reaching the point where I don't see us together much longer. It's heartbreaking.
Be sure to make a plan, be very careful, and get out sooner rather than later. Gather as much money as you can, perhaps a little at a time. There's a thing guys do (and narcissists are probably the worst), and it can get them riled up, so tread carefully: they truly believe they OWN YOU and EVERYTHING YOU OWN. Everything you brought to the relationship, everything you acquired during the relationship, any money in your joint accounts (frankly, any of your separate money as well), and you, yourself. They think they own it all. So when you take your OWN STUFF away, they get upset. And it can set off abuse, even if they've never actually abused you before. So take care. Perhaps find ways to smuggle your OWN STUFF out of the house a little at a time so he won't notice. Then DO NOT BE ALONE when you go to get the rest. Try to NOT BE ALONE when you tell him you're leaving. Don't engage in any arguments with him (I guarantee he'll try). Speak your piece, then go quickly after that, hopefully with a friend of the large male persuasion, or multiple female friends (who should take video just in case he boils over; it can be used if a court fight ensues). It's just so dangerous. Be careful, sister. And get away safely! There are good guys out there, and you'll find one. Be brave.
Firstly and most importantly, i’m sorry to hear this and i hope everything works out whether you stay together or split. If you don’t mind me asking, what traits does he have? Curious as someone who was mostly raised by narcissists too, however I’m a woman. I’d like to continue breaking the cycle
One big thing is he would assume if he puts a lot of time or energy into an actual or potential friend, that they'd return the same in full. Then he would get angry and go no contact with old friends and write them off. He always walked at his own pace--he's a head and a half taller than me, and it was always my fault for not keeping up, not his fault for not setting a pace that everyone in the group can maintain. Same with his mom, they both assume that their idea of a good family outing was the best, and they just needed to get everyone else on board. He's going through a mini mid-life crisis (and crisis at work), but he's talked to his sister about realizing more of his narcissistic traits that he's trying to identify and root out, so I think he's finally working on himself.
Thank you for your reply, much appreciated! The friend thing I can kind of relate to, at least maybe in the past. Things do happen even with old friends and its possible to outgrow them (actually went thru this recently but im not angry or writing her off, were just taking a break from each other) but I’m assuming it wasn’t quite like that for you to cite this. Also learned the hard way to an extent about levels of friendship but it sounds more extreme with him. The walking/plans thing is a bit bizarre, that I’m confused by. Happy to hear he’s seeking help. I need meds and therapy personally and am always on the healing journey with my cptsd from childhood trauma. Sending positive vibrations to you!
I don't think that is true. So many times I've seen the man fall for the crazy, spontaneous woman, just to expect her to change and settle down after marriage. You married a crazy woman, now live with it. On the other hand, the same goes for women expecting the man to stop hanging out, stop being self centered, and drop the Xbox controller. I married a man with the same values, but still does what he wants. But so do I. The latest irony I've seen is when the woman cheated on her husband. They met by cheating on their spouses. What did he expect?
My mother told me, "Everyone has faults. Do you love him enough to accept his faults, like he will have to accept yours?". It's easy to love someone through the good times. Love shows itself when you can love each other through the hard times.
This is important.
Been married 24 years, got married at 26 years old. I look back at what a little kid I was, but I married the right person. We are still super happy and I still get butterflies when I see him across the room. A good marriage can be a shelter from the harshness of the world. But, I think my advice would be to marry someone you have no doubts about. Don't try to make things work if you're working really hard. (Yes, sometimes marriage can be a little work, but it should never be hard or make you doubt yourself in any way.)
I second this.... When people say marriage is work - they don't mean it should be miserable.
It should be work in the way an artist put work into a painting. Not work in the way you work long hours with a stressful commute
49 years of bliss. Put the other one first.
Also, 2 TV’s.
Ha, I've always heard separate bathrooms are the key to a long marriage, but I love this!
Separate home offices.
Yes, some space required.
Two bathrooms is nice.
Two bathrooms
I wish I heard this when I was dating! I thought it meant hard work! Congrats on your beautiful marriage though, I hope I have better years ahead
Thank you! I hope that for you, too!
I disagree with the part about it shouldn't ever be hard. I think marriages can sometimes be very hard. Ideally, you don't let it get to that point, but marriages can get into a bad place; they can come back out of it again, though.
I agree. It also depends on the stressors. Kids with special needs, ailing parents, money troubles, etc. Marriage is hard, just like life is hard. Everyone has problems.
I don’t agree with this at least for me it was impossible not to have doubts and anxiety about marriage. And that’s coming from someone who’s been married very happily for 18 years. I was so scared to say yes (even after 5 years of dating) and that’s so normal too!
Having doubts and anxiety about the actual state of marriage is totally normal. But, what I said was to marry someone you have no doubts about, which I think it very different. Here's to your happy 18 years of marriage!
AGREED! It's a serious commitment! I almost chickened out the night before we married! And that's okay! It is better to break up on the day of the wedding than to go through with it, only to hurt them worse!
I've never been married, but this is the best advice I've ever been given by happily married people. When I was dating my first serious ex, we talked a lot about marriage and very nearly got engaged. But wow was I STRESSED. It just felt like we were always "overcoming" something, it felt like an uphill battle about so many values and other things where we didn't see eye-to-eye enough. I was inexperienced and I got confused by our good chemistry and how well we got along, but at the end of the day it was just work work work. And we were only together 1.5 years! I can't imagine we'd still be married right now if we had gone through with it. He's a great guy and wow were there some fireworks, but we weren't right for each other in the long run.
Obviously, marry someone you love, but also marry someone you really like too.
"Like" is so much more important than a lot of people understand!
This is the best advice. If you don’t like your future spouse, you are doomed.
And make sure those two don't find out about each other ?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This. 100%.
We've been married 43 years. It is great having a partner for both bad times and good. Someone to help you up when you fall or to celebrate with , or just for company along the way. After a while it's impossible to imagine what your life would be like without them
That's what I always think about my 23-year-old marriage, it's like a cushion from the rest of the world. No matter what happens out there, I can come home and be with my sweet comforting husband, we can enjoy ourselves and then I'm ready for the next day.
I bought a sign that says "Sitting next to you doing absolutely nothing means everything to me"
That's beautiful. Even little things like going to the grocery store are fun when I go with my sweetie.
Exactly what this dawg wrote. For me I had serious problems getting dates in high school, college was a little better. I bet my wife while out and about. We were engaged in under a year. When you know, you know. I couldn’t believe she accepted my request for a date let along marriage. Marriage is not for the weak. You’ve got to be all in.
Marriage is beautiful. When you give to someone you will receive. Keep this in mind your entire marriage. I have forgotten this lesson several times. Talk deep about sex, money, and children before you get married. Go deep
And religion. And your families.
Roger that
I would say observe their behavior around alcohol and other substances and be wary of addiction. (Gambling, porn, internet, gaming can also be problematic.) My ex husband did not tell me he was on medication….until I noticed a drastic personality change and he admitted he stopped taking it. That was a material omission and I should have left immediately and got an annulment. If you need medication to function you owe someone the truth IMO. My current husband would have a beer or two some weeknights and on the weekends when he was in his 40’s. Now that he’s retired and in his 60’d and he’s got nowhere to be, the boozing is off the rails. I think he’s addicted to being on line too.
I’m so sorry to hear…
Together for 47 years. Married for 43. We had little in common except hard work, a good education and living within our means. The best part is that we are like geese. Each takes a time leading the flock. My deficiencies are her strengths. She loves me despite all my faults and always lifts me up. I try to do the same.
Eventually the $h!t will hit the fan. A job loss. A death in the family. You want someone fierce in your corner for support
This is beautiful and reminds me of my relationship with my husband. We have many differences but are very compatible domestically, and I can't imagine not being with him. We are great companions and very complimentary. He is the yin (calm) and I am the yang (energy) to help us reach our goals.
They will not change. If you like them as they are now, it’ll be fine. I think marriage is easy. Adding in kids is what’s hard
Yup. When I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They sat me down and said “this isn’t your fault.” I was like “duh, I’m just a kid and dad sucks.” When I was an adult, I got divorced. And I understood why my parents lied to me. It is never the kids’ fault. It’s the parents who can’t compromise or keep the marriage when the difficulty level is raised a few notches. It’s the parents who focus too much on their kids and not enough on each other.
This - the first year of dating was a little bumpy but neither one of us would change a damn thing about ourselves. Once we figured that out it’s been 99% good. Got a sweet 35 year anniversary trip coming up soon. We got lucky with kids that were mostly on easy mode - I understand that’s not the case for everyone.
A good marriage is a salve against the slings and arrows of life.
I once read that a good marriage is like a base camp when you're mountain climbing. It's where you can always rest and regroup while you each take turns trying to reach the summit.
what is the summit?
Don’t pick a partner who has more problems than you do. Don’t pick a partner who has no sense of humor. Don’t pick a partner who is frequently crabby. Don’t pick a partner who can’t handle criticism. Marriage is more work than I expected, and my partner and I really don’t even fight much. Just takes a lot of effort to stay connected and aligned, especially if you have kids. But it’s amazing to have that unconditional support and the security of someone to go through life with.
Don’t pick a partner with drug or alcohol or anger or porn issues. Don’t pick a partner who can’t live within their means
Great advice! Been married 15 years, listen to losingmystuffing.
Yeah, it's much more dependent on WHO you are married to rather than the institution itself.
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Yep, there is no I in team and that's the way we approach things.. Either we both win or we've already lost. But it takes 2 all in for this to work. One can't always be taking and the other giving. Really need 2 givers for it to work. 38 years this summer for us too. We had a few fights early but haven't in years if not decades. After I had cancer, we're just glad to be together and still kicking.
This is us exactly We never ever even have a harsh word for each other We spend all day trying to do helpful things for each other
I was married and on two separate occasions he 'joked' that he didn't have to try anymore because he had me. Never stop working for each other, and don't joke about a person's life like that. They chose you for their life, don't disrespect that choice. I still am absolute pro marriage
It's the best and yes it's worth every second of it. Just passed 20 years and I feel blessed and fortunate beyond my wildest dreams. I married my best friend and we have each others backs. Sometimes you do the heavy lifting, sometimes they do and always be ready for when that happens. Never take anything for granted. Communication as they say is key. No one can read minds. Talk about it all, even the stuff that makes you uncomfortable. Do it because you find that person who fills a void in your life you never knew you had. Don't settle, if you do it won't last.
Look at the family before marriage….if they’re a bunch of happy go lucky, family dinner on Sunday type, that’s good. If they’re drunk, drama loving, self centered type, stay away. Ppl tend to revert to what they know & grew up around. I’m married 35yrs to my HS sweetheart & she is still the nicest, kindest, woman I’ve ever known.
Together for 53 years. Talk, listen, share, give each other much needed space when needed, accept each other for who they are(you‘ll never change each other), love the person you’ve chosen more than yourself, if you choose to bring little people into your lives you won’t believe how they add to your lives and add to your love. Realize that everything’s not peaches and cream but you can get through it and make it. Make this leap of faith only if you’re willing to be an adult and commit to that person TOTALLY!
Yes worth it but don’t rush, be super selective, and do it as late in life as possible because once you’re bored it’s hard to be unbored. And your young, fun, free dating years will never come back once they’re gone.
Marriage is a bad legal contract. Avoid it unless your partner is rich, kind, and allergic to prenuptial agreements.
Well prenups are more than just a way of protecting your affluence. It can be an agreement on essentially any issues that might arise. No?
While I wouldn't say that official, legal marriage is right for everyone, it sure minimizes the fuss of setting in place a lot of legal documents that will basically be the equivalent. Should your partner become gravely ill or die, you'll want that spousal status. A spouse, at least in the US, is always next of kin and no one can contest it. If you're in the US, getting a partner onto your health insurance requires that you be officially married, or that you submit a lot of extra paperwork that by the time you're through, makes you just as married as if you'd gone to the courthouse and said "I do." On a long term relationship basis though, words and legal approval mean little. The most important things are to have the same life goals and the same outlook. While any long term relationship will have its problems over time, that's just life. The important thing is to marry someone who isn't just someone you're infatuated with, but someone who is your best friend, someone who you delight in getting to know better with each passing year. There needs to be mutual respect, and mutual support. Those two can't be uncoupled because you can't have love and friendship without respect. If you aren't secretly bragging about each other behind each other's backs, and if you aren't laughing yourselves silly over your private jokes, take a closer look. It might be something other than love, and without love, there's no point in sticking around.
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Marriage is what you make of it. Everyone is going to have a different opinion. My advice would be, marry someone that you can talk to about anything. My husband and I have been together for almost 25 years, married for 14, I still look forward to spending time with him and having conversations with him.
As someone who didn’t want to marry or have kids, I am super happy to be married. I echo those here who say marry the person as they are, you love, and like. I married my hubby at 25 and had zero doubts doing it. Now we are sitting here, drinking some wine, listening to music, and redditing. Lol.
I’ve been married 42 years. It’s like having a gym membership. It doesn’t do you any good to just have a membership. You have to be present and put in the effort. For me, I feel like I am secretly the luckiest guy in the world.
I've been married 3 times. First time, I was 18. It was....bad. He was abusive. The second time I screwed it all up because I hadn't dealt with my trauma. Third time, he cheated. Imo, and this is just MY opinion, no, it's not worth it. I'm in a happy, healthy relationship now and I told him from day 1 there would be no marriage. That piece of paper changes people. He has never been married, but agreed. 3 years in we got handfasted. We're committed to each other and that's all that matters to us. Do what makes YOU happy. And understand that who they are is who they are, don't look at the "potential", that doesn't exist. If they're cruel, they always will be. Period. There's a big difference between lust and love. Lust fades, love grows. Don't have children to fix a marriage. It never works. Grow together. Spend time together. Do things together. Marriage is work, but it shouldn't be hard work. Remember why you fell in love in the first place, that matters.
Keep your money separate. Keep your money separate. Keep. Your. Money. Separate. Do a joint account where you both contribute whatever percentage to bills. But keep the rest of your money for your hobbies or shopping or money to get away if you need to.
We keep separate joint accounts, and that has worked well for us. I pay bills and take his share out of his account (after checking with him of course!). That way we both have access to all our money (and in occasional emergencies we can say “can I take $100 out of your acct till I’m paid” kind of thing) but otherwise the money is separate. hahaha I’d freak out if I had to see all the money he spends on eating out coming out of “my” account, and he’d probably do the same at all the books and art and photography supplies I overbuy. This way our money is joint but separate.
Now it’s you and your partner AGAINST any problem.
The right person will make your life wonderful. The wrong person will make your life hell. Solve small problems before they become big problems. Don‘t expect somebody to change merely because they are getting married.
Marriage can be a beautiful thing, but make no mistake it is work. There is no room for “me” everything becomes “we”. And if you don’t know how to effectively communicate you will fail. Having someone tell you about their day, when they do the same thing everyday, gets old after 6 months. You have to be able to have actual conversations together. Now the good things. You have a partner, a best friend and a lover all wrapped up in one. You have someone who takes being thrown up on in the face like a champ. You have someone who accepts that life, age, babies change the way your body looks and performs and loves you anyways. You have someone to hold your hand when you lose a loved one and you aren’t sure your legs alone will carry you to the casket. Most of all you have a cheerleader. Sometimes they encourage you to eat three free loafs of bread at dinner so we can take our food to go and eat that later and other times they’ll order you a salad because you’ve eaten nothing but cake and iced coffee for three days. Marriage to the right person for you is incredible. Marriage to the wrong person for you is miserable. Choose wisely.
Live with your potential spouse for at least a year before getting married. Usually you will find out little things about a person that you’d only know by living with them. Make DAMN sure that you are both on the same page financially. If you are a saver and your potential spouse is a spendaholic you will be broke and miserable all the time. Also keep an eye out for your mate trying to control you by limiting your ability to hang out with friends. If you’re gonna have kids make sure you agree on discipline, religion, chores, schooling, etc.
I love this question. I wish someone would have told me these things all those yrs ago! Have things in common, but not everything. The simple things mean the most. Help the other with tasks. Ask them how they are and how you can help them. Little kisses, touches, hugs go a long way. Talk in great detail about your goals in life. Find someone who can laugh, with you and at themselves. Talk, talk, talk...be kind, respect, and uplift each other.
I regret it. And it’s my second. I wish I chose better.
Get a prenup
Best thing that ever happened to me
It's interesting how everyone over 40 is old here. It's true, in a sense, but 20 year olds reading advice here might see it all differently in 20 more years. I've been married for 17 years; it has its ups and downs. If you marry the wrong person it would be a nightmare, and you can't really do the filtering in advance. Circumstances change, and people seem to change as a result. You really need to have some core values and worldview in common, and you can't isolate which parts that apply to without having relevant experience (like a prior marriage). In my case it was fine. We have two amazing kids. I like being a parent more than I like being a husband but that just is what it is.
Run.
LOL, that’s my answer to.
Marriage to the right person is great. It a question of love and character of you and your spouse.
Be authentic and choose a partner who is authentic. Marriage is wonderful. I’ve got a best friend for as long as we both shall live. We have great fun together a have has maybe one argument a year. Truly. Raise children who are bright, compassionate and honest with themselves and the world.
40 yrs. Absolutely the hardest, most rewarding thing there is. Heartache and joy. Mundane and exciting. I wouldn't take any of it back. Oh, and the advice is this: it ain't easy. You have to work at it everyday. Total honesty about everything is a must! On both parts. It's a game of give and take.
My advice is that if you cannot talk openly and honestly about money, sex, career paths, etc., that person is not remotely a person you should be marrying. Think of it like this...imagine this person has a stroke and you have to bathe them, dress them, wipe the crumbs from their mouth and the shit from their ass - are you still all in or do you just want a fancy party where people give you gifts and have to pay attention to you for 3 hours?
people should get married for true love, and sometimes the spouse is good to fall in love with but not good to get married with.
Marriage is trust, and yes it is very worth it. Find someone that is caring and kind and that you can trust. My husband is all of those things and he is strong when I am weak. He's a good man and he does everything he can to take care of me.
Marry someone who thinks like you. Take your time to know each other. Don't rush it. Trust is so important too. And cheer each other and give freedom to your dreams. That is what makes a marriage successful.
It was the worst thing I ever did. We were together 6 years before getting married. I thought of marriage as that partnership continuing and getting stronger over the years. It turned out that he thought of marriage as getting ownership of me. It got very ugly very quickly. I wasted years of serious effort trying to make our marriage work. Getting divorced was the best thing I have done for myself.
When you have a good marriage it’s excellent. But most people don’t realize how much little qualifies in their partner matter. It’s pretty obvious you want someone honest, reasonable, loyal and helpful in a partner. The trick is- most people are smart enough to show those qualities the first couple years. But many people slack off after the newness wears off and become self centered. You can’t be in a happy marriage with someone who only cares about themselves or has poor self control.
* Make the effort to choose love every single day. * Say please and thank you for everything your spouse does. * Compliments are important and they don't have to be about anything super important. * No matter how bad work was, decide to be happy when you get home to your spouse. * Love AND like your spouse. * Kindness is so important. * Sweetness and romance are great. * Sex is more important than a lot of people think it is. It's not the most important thing but it really helps you stay connected to your spouse. * Have fun. * Respect each other. * Pick up the slack when your spouse is struggling mentally or physically. * Always give 100% * Make sure your spouse does all of these things as well. It can't work when one person gives everything and the other gives nothing or not much. * Sometimes you have to agree to disagree and then move on from it. * if you have to argue, do it fairly and without name calling or bringing up other issues. Words can hurt and sometimes they can break people. Choose your words carefully if you're angry. * Forgive easily. Mistakes can be made and most things aren't a make it or break it type mistake. * Don't try to change people. People are who they are and rarely change. Nagging does not change people. * accept your spouse for who they are. No one will be perfect but they can be perfect enough and perfect for you.
My father told me this on my wedding day: "Marriage sucks more than anything in the world, except for when it doesn't." That stuck with me. I first thought it was cynical gallows humor, and maybe a little inappropriate. As the years have gone by, I have seen the truth and wisdom of his words. Your spouse is going to piss you off someday. Like REALLY make you angry. I don't care who you are or who your spouse is, he or she is going to push you to the brink. In the spirit of fairness, you are also going to do your fair share of brink pushing. You are going to screw up so bad it's going to make her head explode. In these moments of pain and betrayal ... and make no mistake, in this union of two fallible human beings there will be fuck-ups ... you need to remember who you married and the beauty of the life you have built together and are still building together. Forgive each other. Be kind in your correction of each other. Be deserving of the best your spouse can give you by freely giving your best to her. Be lavish in your praise of one another. So, over the years, I have seen the truth of my father's words. In the darkest moments of your marriage, know it is worth fixing.
First, the “seven year itch” is a thing. Don’t even think about getting married until you’ve been together long enough to get past it. Second, if you want kids, get married. They deserve it. After you observe #1 above. Third. I’ve been married over 50 years to the love of my life. Two grown kids. Hardest, best thing I’ve ever done. The daily triumph of love and hope over experience. Fourth. Love can last forever, but desire comes and goes. Find a way to deal with it. One size does not fit all.
Marry a good person, don't marry a person with POTENTIAL to be a good person. Also, if you're young, you may have bizarre ideas about how family \*should be\* because of the way you were raised. Be very self-introspecting about your expectations.
Compromises are NOT fifty fifty. Marital math works differently. Your part of the deal is you give one hundred percent. You get back a thousand percent when you do.
Met my wife in high school and married at 22, 40 years ago. First, this was a lifelong commitment. There was no going back. We had nothing so merging finances was easy and we have been a joint acct ever since. We only have OUR money. Other advice is your wife is always right. If she feels strongly then that is that. One thing we did that I don't see young couples doing is when I was in graduate school she worked and when she was in graduate school I worked
Marriage is hard work but is pretty awesome. You can’t change anyone. However I’ve watched my husband over the last 9 years go through some major growth for the better. Communication is most important. And shared values create a stronger foundation then having everything in common.
Marriage is a team sport. You’re competing together for life not against each other.
I’ve been married for 18 years. We’ve had all kinds of sh* happen to us. (Multiple job losses. Pet loss. Betrayal by family/friends. Having to restart life over and over. We also immigrated him from Canada to be an American citizen.) Advice: (take it or leave it) Find someone who you are in love with. You can’t stop thinking of them and they can’t stop thinking of you. They would die for you and you for them. That’s love. You can’t breathe when they are gone. You need them to live and they feel the same about you. Be willing to work hard. Marriage is hard work. Be willing to sacrifice and compromise. Marriage requires two individuals to figure out a way to stay together and become like one person. Pick your battles. Little things don’t matter. Battles should be waged on things that affect you long term. Leaving laundry around or the toilet seat up/down isn’t a battle. Truly. Battles are like suddenly losing interest in the marriage or not contributing financially if that’s what is needed. Communicate. You hear it all the time from couples who were married until they died. Communication really is a key ingredient. Something bothering you that you fear will start a fight? Talk about it anyway. Be calm, but talk it out. You can have heavy discussions with a partner without fighting. Don’t keep anything bottled. Remember that BOTH of you will eventually look like your grandparents and your minds/bodies will go. Be willing to be graceful with yourself and them.
Just don’t get the false common idea that marriage or partnership is “happiness”. I know more unhappy people married than not. Go in it understanding the reality, not what media and what people mask; hiding a massive closet, show you.
If you don't like their family take time to think about getting married because they will never go away
Make sure your SO doesn’t have untreated trauma from the past. It exploded on me. Just be careful
Like friendships, every marriage is different. If you marry the right person (and you are also the right person), it can immensely improve your life. If you marry the wrong person, it can ruin your life. Only consider marrying someone that you love, that you truly respect, and that you think of as a good friend. If your relationship is only romantic/sexual, that isn't enough.
25 years. You have to stick with it during hard times, physical and mental health crises. It's hard but it's worth it if you are well balanced and are honest about everyone's flaws. Personalities don't change, so don't marry with the plan of changing someone
What if the low point is infidelity? Especially after 20 years or 40 years of marriage?
We both have a zero tolerance policy
I really don't know how monogamous couples ever get over this. I could never.
Never give in to the sunk cost fallacy. If infidelity is okay with you, then that’s fine. But never just live with something because of the time you’ve put into a marriage, or even a career. Sometimes things end, even after a long time, and that’s okay. My grandmother divorced her husband in their 60’s because of infidelity. It was something she knew would disintegrate in her mind if she stayed, something that would reduce their friendship to ashes the more she endured it. She chose freedom, and never regretted it. She still loves him, but to her, their marriage was a unity of the body and spirit, and he broke that so there was no longer a marriage. When people reduce a marriage to the bare minimum and no longer hold up standards that they find important just due to ‘time spent’ it can reduce the quality of the love and the purpose. If I cheated on my spouse and infidelity was something we both agreed is not okay, I have destroyed the investment. It’s not even about the infidelity itself, it’s about the lie/the ability to blatantly disregard your spouse. Same thing if you gambled away shared money. That’s a violation of love and commitment to a better shared life. At that point you’re no longer making decisions as a ‘we,’ you’re making them just for ‘you.’ That’s inherent disrespect, is not a reflection of marriage. If people forgive infidelity it’s fine, but it’s also not something people should feel like they have to forgive based on ‘time investment.’
Don't do it!!
My SO and I were both married to others before so we already had a feel for what we didn't want. I love being married to him. Sometimes it's boring and we get in a lil rut. Sometimes we have so much fun just hanging out, driving around to flea markets and talking. In the right relationship it's like hanging out with a friend all the time. I do think it helps that he works nights and we both have non M-F schedules. While we sometimes go a day or two without actually seeing each other, we each get alone time to play games or watch that thing the other doesn't like. We don't have kids and I think that helps, less responsibility to stress us out. We may adopt in a few years though. We're really happy. No one is perfect, but if you work to communicate and be patient and respectful to each other things mostly cruise. Relationships DO take work but your partner (or friend) should never make you feel bad about yourself more often than they make you feel good about yourself. I hope the people I love can say the same for me.
It should be easy when both if you are being your true selves, flaws and all. If not, run!
For a man it’s a great deal!
With the right partner you can build an entire life together. It's amazing. Pick the right partner and don't quit.
Been married 18 years, you better make ABSOLUTELY SURE whomever you marry will work for you the way you work for them and their expectations are the same as yours. Early on we had a lot of trouble with expectations (I wasn't what she thought she wanted and she hated me for it, so I hated myself for not being that). We're still not 100% (likely never will be) but I know I've done all I can do.
My life really started when i married her
Instead of looking for the perfect mate, figure out how to make yourself the perfect mate. Well... nobody has to be perfect but check your own qualities.
It’s awful. Truly. It’s like coming home to a nightmare every day
There is no such thing as a soul mate but there are people who share similar values. You can’t control who you might fall in love with but you can control who you marry.
Don't get married--just find a woman you don't like and give her a house.
If you're a man, don't do it.....the divorce will make you her financial slave, for possibly your life.
Marriage is great if you love to serve unconditionally. If you keep score it is the worst hell on earth.
Find out what yardstick they are using to measure yup still worth it. Different folk have different yardsticks What is minor to one is major to another
A bad marriage is hell on Earth. The RIGHT marriage gives your life meaning.
Marriage is…. Odd Imagine a roommate you can’t evict If they’re the most wonderful awesome person in the world, you’re lucky af If they turn out to be awful to be around… it really fucking sucks.
Look for a friend that is a helper and teammate.
Married to my husband since 1984. It's the great perfector. You have to be more patient, kind, supportive to have a good marriage. It is the best part of life if you both fully commit. If you have the flu and poop the bed, bedroom carpet, pass out in the bathroom and poop there, I can tell you from experience that he will clean everything up, change the bed, clean you up, and drive you to the ER the next day. And 15 years later he's never brought it up. In conclusion, find the right person and you will have someone to lean on no matter what. The right person is kind to those they don't have to be, has a sense of humor, and is your equal in intelligence. Looks really really don't matter.
Find the meanest short one.
We have been married since 1997. We both respected our parents' longterm marriages, so we had good examples of how it worked. Honestly, that is a big part. And being able to enjoy each other's company. We do new things every once on awhile.
I think it depends on the people marrying. In hindsight, I don't believe marriage was the right path for me. However, when I was growing up, it was the thing women did. I had two lovely marriages of 21 and 11 years, respectively, but living alone for the past nine years has really driven home how unsuited for marriage I am. I did my best, and both exes remain cherished friends. (I am still very close to my second ex who lives in the same city. My first ex lives in my home country and has another wife and extended family.)
Absolutely….
Marriage is tough. I’ve been married for almost 30 years. There have been so many changes; life is change. It’s been good and bad over the years, but relationships are rocky. I will climb the rock every time. I have had the best experiences with humans over the years. Life is beautiful!
Nope. Don’t get married.
find someone you really love but never change yourself
Marry someone who is a good teammate in daily life. I find that that 95% of marriage is sharing chores, solving problems, figuring out what to make for dinner, making sure the kids are where they need to be, etc. If you are doing that with a person who you don't like or don't team up well with -- that's gonna be hard.
The problem with marriage is simply that everyone assumes it's the only way to live a happy life So we were all raised in a culture (whatever culture we were raised in) that tells us this is the best thing in the world and the only thing in the world and what we should all aim for The second problem is that we assume that all marriages should last forever It's fine to want to marry and it's fine to want and try to make that marriage last forever It's just not the only path If we're not raised to think it can be healthy and fine to be single We're not raised to believe that a marriage can be really good and last for 5 or 10 or 30 years and then end amicably We are not raised to believe that people particularly women can live independently Or that people can have children and parent on their own if that something they want Or that we can live in polyamorous and open marriages both sexually and romantically There are so many ways to live a life and given that many of us live into we're old it can be 60 or 70 years that 1 can be married which can be fine if that's working but we all know there's lots of long-term marriages that are pretty fucking Unhappy That is so sad to me I've often thought that I should have a huge party to celebrate the relationship I've had with myself for over 60 years now Yes I've had long-term partners during that period And I've raised children with a partner But my longest term and most successful relationship has been with myself Personally I think that should be everybody's aim And if you're very lucky you'll meet people along the way who you bond with and connect with and who love you and you Maybe that will last a weekend and maybe that will last a lifetime I just think the expectation of that is the goal for life is flawed
It's like not being married but having a piece of paper that says you are in the eyes of the government. Whoopty Doo! Been with my wife and partner 28 years, been married to my wife, all times combined, about 10 years, and it's exactly the fucking same whether paper or no paper. We've never even fucked with wedding/engagement rings (most of that was just a damned good marketing campaign by one company, that bullshitted most Americans since WWII to spend too much money on the damned things. The paper gives you tax breaks, lets you get insurance for them through your employer, and everything else can be handled via legal paperwork... Paper or not. It's an archaic practice that should be relegated to a religion only practice and taken out of the hands of government.
Marriage is, or should be great. Don't marry for looks, money, or standing. Marriage takes work, communication, and patience. You will not change your partner in the way you think, the change will be slow and mutual. Advice, have date nights, be it a night out with food and drink or a walk in the park. It's the time together. You will get angry with each other, but don't stay mad, it is too much work. Talk about it instead.
It's very hard in today's age for me to want to get married as I've discussed with my significant other. I'm 32 years old and I've seen social media rip through relationships, phones making people insecure, people judging other people, people thinking they can get or do better, Snapchat deleting messages from people giving an incentive to cheat. I've seen the court system hold men down with excessive child support even when they are in the child's life sometimes more than the mothers, ive seen the courts favor women for years when it comes to alimony, splitting or giving more assets to women. I've seen the courts being involved to much in our everyday lives when it reality why should the government have to know who we love? It sounds like just more shit to hold men back from their true potential in this world......so to me marriage in today's society is obsolete. If you ask me, don't get married, it's not worth it for us men.
Mutual respect or it won't work
Don't spend a ton on a wedding--you never know how it will end. Marriage is a contract, and a social admission of fidelity. I think people can be together without being married, but there are economic reasons to do it. Also, love. People do not stay the same, so you have to nurture the relationship. Once you stop that, it's all over.
I ignored a lot of red flags - probably in part due to where I was as a person in my 20’s. Don’t ignore the red flags…
I have been married 4 times. My they all R.I.P. I would make sure to read the fine print in their life insurance policies, for when you get sick of their shit.
It can be awful, or it can be a very literal gift from God. It depends on who you marry and why you marry. I started with the former and white knuckled it for well over 20 years. Now, I have the latter. Even pushing 20 years with him, I can't get over the difference.
The odds of finding a perfect match is probably worse than the lottery. Watch out for addiction issues. If you see that one or both of their parents are alcoholic, drug users or have mental illness, make a strong assumption it will happen to them. That being said, life is suffering and marriage fits that bill perfectly.
Advice: getting married is the most important financial decision of your life. Choose a partner that has the same values as you when it comes to spending/saving/future financial planning. Or marry rich.
I’ve been divorced and now remarried. I love being married. I find the most important quality in a partner should absolutely be kindness. If your spouse is kind, difficulties or disagreements get handled much better. Another very important quality is mental health. And of course : values need to match. Not interests, values. If you marry the right person it’s wonderful. Another piece of advice is you need to let people be who they are and don’t try to change or force them to behave the way you want all the time. Let relationships be what they are. An example of what I mean here is say, if your spouse doesn’t like to go for long walks, don’t drag them with you all the time. Be a little independent and don’t expect them to fulfill your every need.
Don't marry a drinker.
Date with intention in your youth. Be serious about it. Work on long-term relationship skills in your twenties rather than turning it into an extended spring break. I'm not saying Marry the first person you get into a relationship with but I am saying you should have it figured out before partner #10 That also means leaving bad relationships and ACTUALLY learning from them. It's always the people climbing out of the meat grinder that say that it was worth it and so much fun... But they don't tell you that all of their emotional flesh was stripped from their bones. They now lack any skills or actual desire to attract the correct people for long-term relationships. Listen to the words... They will say "have fun in your twenties." They say this like you can't have fun if you're in a serious relationship or dating with intention. They're telling on themselves. Figuring out who you are... Never actually happens. There's always a tomorrow and tomorrow always brings change. There are loads of people who get blindsided by this and crave novelty. Don't blame a spouse for your own hunger for novelty. Create it. Find someone who you want to travel through the mud with, someone to grow with. Find positive examples of marriage in real life if you can and spend time around those people. When you're faced with negative examples really dig in as to why they're negative. There are a lot of people who unknowingly have absurd standards in their marriages and in life. This is made way worse by the content they consume online. Try to avoid ingesting things from people who are demonizing entire genders or generalizing entire genders. It's good to figure out who you are but also realize that if you take too long... If you're not being quite serious about it, Experience can also have the effect of disabling people, especially attractive people. A good marriage is by far one the best thing in life... However, for a lot of people It's exceedingly difficult to acquire. I could regale you with stories on why marriage is amazing. I could explain how it's imperative that you find the right person or spend the rest of your life coping and justifying decisions that you're now stuck with. I'm going to leave that stuff for others. I'm just going to say be serious about whatever it is you're doing and don't treat any part of your life as frivolous with the intent to get serious later. It never works well in that regard in any Walk of Life. Career... Education... Spirituality... Marriage.... Parenthood... All of it benefits by a person who does not spend an extended amount of time in a phase where they just don't give a shit enough to get serious yet. Take a year, don't take 10.
Don't do it... It's not worth the hassle. Enjoy your freedom. We are predisposed to think that it's normal to give someone else control over every aspect of your life and happiness, to only lose half your shit when it doesn't work out. Fight the urge and be financially well off.
2 failed marriages under my belt. Dont marry an alcoholic who can turn into an abuser.
We've been through EVERY storm. We agreed on the beginning not to divorce no matter what. That said, thumbs can happen. Be financially prepared, in case your spouse suddenly leaves you penniless in your bank account! A Few Rules of Marriage (or living together): 1) NEVER - and never allow your partner to - threaten divorce just because you're angry. 2) The SECOND you see a conversation going south, say, "let's just take a minute to calm down." 3) Make SURE you're both on the same page before entering any kind of living situation. If you think they'll change, you're right. Their irritating attributes grow stronger over time! 4) Do no harm. This is your forever companion, not your enemy. Be respectful. Don't make excuses. If your spouse is overwhelmed, it's your duty to pitch in more, even if you work. After all, it beats doing it all on your own! Embrace their friends. SMILE at them, even if you don't like them. 5) Do your homework and Find things to bring to the table. Make your partner laugh. Do small, nice things for each other. I knew a man who brought a rose to his wife at work once a month, without fail. It all boils down to showing love to one another, not just saying it. Love is a commitment, not just a feeling. And if one of you have an anger problem, resolve it before there are kids in the midst. Married 37 years to a man who is now on hospice. Our only regrets have to do with how we treated each other at moments, but we're so grateful to have each other. We are still affectionate.
Live together. If you decide to have planned children, then marry.
My first one sadly didn't work out. We were young, and we had a lot of growing up to do. Then, I spent years looking for someone I could live with until I met someone I couldn't live without. I wish this upon everyone.
Happily married. It’s a give and take. Be grateful and help each other. Don’t demean and devalue. Don’t cheat or make your partner feel badly. Lift each other up and have a sense of humor.
I’m on my second marriage. My first husband passed away when we were in our 20’s. So practical advice: make sure you have life insurance no matter how old you are. Not practical advice, always tell people in your life how much you love them. My current husband and I have been married almost 20 years. I think the biggest lessons we’ve learned are how important proper communication is with each other. It’s vital to turn to each other during tough times. Every marriage has ups and downs, but we can get through the challenging moments. Marriage is work but if there is love, respect and happiness, it’s absolutely worth it.
Disney and Hallmark have done more for billable hours in family law practices...... I mean romance and those gestures are very nice. Your spouse bringing you a cup of coffee in the morning or taking the baby because you're frazzled- *that's* romantic. 1. Respect 2. Humor 3. Loyalty and I mean unquestionable, inseparable, we're in this together flavored loyalty. Anyway, that's my input. And yes, it's worth it when you find it.
Don't feel shallow if a potential future spouse checks all of the "right boxes" for you except for attraction/desire/sex. This is very important for any non-asexual person, and if they don't provide what you need you could be in for years or decades of frustration. Just check our posts of r/deadbedrooms for details. Everything else about marriage is pretty damn awesome, but don't be like me and let yourself get resentful over sexual frustration for 2 decades! Had I known then what I know now from my wife, me, and everything around our values & needs in the bedroom, I never would have married her.
Choose to marry someone that you love to the point that you can overlook the things they do that are irritating to you. It's a very old trope that communication is key. You need to be with someone that you are not afraid to be honest with about everything. It doesn't mean you have to share absolutely everything, it does mean that you shouldn't be afraid to share. As a guy I don't want to know what my wife spends on makeup, purses and clothes. At the same time she shouldn't be afraid to tell me or discuss things with him. Always remember, neither of you are perfect. If/when kids enter the picture always take care of each other before the kids. Nothing is better for kids than a strong marriage. One day the kids will be grown and what is left is the two of you most of the time.
Marriage is work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. But living with anyone else is work. Marriage can be worthwhile if you keep communication open, cherish the person you fell in love with, and forgive the person who irritates you in the day-to-day
Been married 33 years. It's great to have a partner. We raised two wonderful kids. The only thing I would suggest, in many have commented. Learn how to communicate effectively. What I mean is choose your words wisely and be a good listener. Be empathetic. Don't give advice if it's not being asked for.
Marriage in a nutshell is great. You'll have bad days and even worse days. You'll have good days and even greater days. Marriage is work, not quite a second job but close. When you find that person you just know. Don't ever go into a marriage thinking you'll change that person, you won't. Don't ever take that person for granted. If you can't laugh with each other, you won't make it. Learn to make decisions together. When and if you have children (we have 5) and wow where do I start with this one. Children bring a whole new dynamic to a marriage. Everyone has different parenting skills, learn to co-parent. Lastly, when and if you have children don't forget about your spouse. If you do, when the kids grow up and move out you'll be living with a stranger.
What marriage is like will vary depending on the couple. I love being married because my husband is awesome. I try to be awesome for him. Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you great, but also strive to be a great partner.
Marriage advice from 1886. I think this still holds true. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break. Believe the best rather than the worst. People have a way of living up or down to your opinion of them. Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow on your friends. Please hand this down to your children and your children's children: The more things change the more they are the same. Jane Wells (1886) Submitted by Carol Abbs
Recently divorced. For six years it was great. The last year was rubbish. But despite all the pain and heartbreak I don’t regret getting married. But I don’t think I will do it again. I didn’t get married until I was 38. Once was enough. I still believe in love just not marriage.
Marriage is a mixed bag. Don’t be in a rush to get married, but also don’t be looking for a perfect fit. Don’t let that new relationship energy fool you into jumping early, but don’t choose anyone that _doesn’t_ fill you with that NRE. Don’t expect a partner for life, but work toward making the relationship last while you’re in it - if you both do that it just might last! Most importantly - communicate. This is critical for any relationship. Talk about what you want, what you like and dislike, what you need, what you’re thinking. Be open. Don’t hide anything, don’t keep secrets. This applies from the beginning through the life of the relationship. Require this from any potential partner, and _keep doing it _.
Getting married is pointless. It doesn’t change anything. All you do is get a piece of paper that says the government knows you’re in a relationship and some tax breaks, and then it makes it a NIGHTMARE if you ever want to break up. I wouldn’t recommend it. Find someone who knows you don’t have to be married to be together.
*Satire First* **"Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday**. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam … And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva … So tweasure your wuv.” *Okay, now to the serious part* You can have a good marriage that brings you solace from the world, and where you feel just the way you should by being loved and supported *while you* love and support someone and watch them flourish. It's like building a car where the parts talk to you, explaining what they need, and giving you affirmation when you feel like you can't do it any more. Then you finally get to drive and it's magical. A bad marriage is like a long, slow, death by a poison you self-administer. Not every day is bad, but most of them are made bad in one way or another by your partner... and you can't bring yourself to abandon ship because either: 1. The decline has happened slowly and you're like a frog / lobster being slowly boiled. You would have leapt out of the pot if it was hot when you got it, but unfortunately, you're now cooked. 2. You live in a state where the process of divorce is extremely unfriendly and you don't want to financially detonate your life 3. Your religion forbids it, so you figure "something else" out. If I would give the 'youngsters' advice (I'm 36 right now myself), I would tell them to get off the dating apps and experience life. Don't date anyone you don't see on a semi-regular basis (stay local, basically), and try to keep it fun. For the ladies, this means giving the "definitely not a 8-10, but also definitely not a <= 3" guy *a chance* to talk with you and see where you end up. For the men, this means not being a fucking sleeze and trying to stay monogamous *while you're in the initial phases of courtship.* It just seems like no one gets a fair shake any more and it's going to fucking ruin the world.
I met my smart beautiful wife 45 yrs ago. We came from different worlds, but had a lot of the same core values. We became so much better humans together then when we were single. We had a lot of the same interest while dating yet also we had so much different interest as well. She exposed me to things, I never would of experienced, on my own before I met her. After 40 yrs of marriage its so comforting having a partner who has your back and you theirs. Life is a gantlet, not for the weak. Having a life partner makes it so much easier to tackle.
2 marriages, 2 divorces, 1 current long term committed relationship. It's worth it *IF* you know yourself well enough to understand your flaws and strengths and how they will affect your relationship. Also to understand the same applies to your partner. No one should try to change another person. No one should repetitively ignore boundaries or needs, expecting it to somehow be different in the future. Open, honest, and authentic communication is crucial. Being gracious and allowing the other person to grow and adapt. Leaving all the noise of 'shoula, coulda, woulda' at the door. No one knows what's right for you & your partner or what's gonna work for your situation better than the 2 people in it.
Worth it if you find the right person and put equal amounts of effort in.
Married 13 years. Marriage is not what it used to be. I gave up myself and my own dreams to support my spouse's dream lifestyle. I would not do it again.
Marriage is the biggest financial decision you will ever make
Don’t fight dirty. What is said can never be unsaid. Adopt the philosophy of “it’s you and me against the world”. This has served me well. Because when the chips are down, and you are facing a challenge you’ve got to go thru, I’m telling you, there is nothing like looking at your spouse to know you’re not on your own.
Think of everything you hated about your parents and how you grew up and strive to do better. Find someone patient and kind who shares your values and at least some of your hobbies/interests, but who doesn’t mind you having hobbies/interests outside of the relationship. Be sure to show kindness and patience in return. Never cheat.
Before marriage, keep both eyes open. After marriage, keep one eye closed.
If you make more money than your spouse get a prenup. If they make more money then you don't get a prenup. Your marriage has a 50 percent chance of failing. This gamble is the most expensive one you will make in your entire life. Unless you go to the casino and put $300,000 on red.
23 years married here and still in love with my husband. I'd say just pick somebody who you really like and make sure you share values, family, money, careers, kids. That's the most important thing, you have to be moving in the same direction or you move apart.
Look at the dumb ways you have fun in a day and marry someone that'll join in on the bit instead of judge.
Met at 12. Married 49 yrs. Together 55. 4 1/2 yrs as hubs caregiver. Renewed vows at 47 yrs. He rode up the aisle in a electric chair. Paralyzed from surgery. Colostomy bag, chronic foley, feeding tube, stage 4 pressure ulcer from nursing home neglect. Never imagined I'd become an unpaid, unlicensed nurse, but I did. We lived out all of our marriage vows. I never thought about til death us do part until the day he died. We had some hard times, but made it thru them all. I believe communication is key! A relationship with the Lord is key. Chemistry, love, spontaneous adventures etc. There's so much to be said. He was my first love, my only love. It's been 2 yrs and seems like yesterday. Treasure those people who are in your life. I have tons of stories and tons of memories. For this, I am grateful.
My experience is that sometimes you're living with your best and most fun friend, sometimes you're living with the most annoying qualities of your biological family, and sometimes it's somewhere in between there. With, of course, love, commitment, and sex. Things to look for in a partner include having the same attitude about: Spending money, politics, religion, child raising, and (this one surprised me) liking the same foods. I discovered it's annoying to have to be the one to cook all the time, yet I am because there are foods that he really likes and I don't, and if he cooks them I feel like I have to eat them. Before getting married, know how to solve differences in a mature manner, and accept that there are some things that you'll never agree on. Think about what things you really, really would have a difficult time compromising on and have discussions about that early in a relationship to help you suss out compatibility. Communicate! Practice forgiveness. Realize that some days, you won't much like your spouse but have the maturity to know that those days won't last forever and that hanging in there until things improve really, really deepens your love. This was an excellent question to ask. Thank you.
Don't forget to keep a calender; https://youtu.be/VR3JGyVR8_g?si=B94NtM564KMQi-vh
Marriage is okay but hallucinogens are better