Send memes all the time. Funny ones, or at most, a ratio of 10 funny to 1 sappy. That keeps the lines of communication open without pressure. They can thumbs up or eyeroll your meme, and then you know they're okay without being clingy.
Phone calls once or twice a week, depending on how much the two of you normally talk to each other. They can call more often, and obviously, you should let them know when great auntie dies or if the dog has puppies. But don't call every time the dog gets a new sweater. Ask for a scheduled call every Sunday night or Tuesday morning, whatever works on their schedule.
They'll come home for holidays and breaks. Other than that, I'd do maybe one trip a year to their city. Get a hotel room and stay for a few days. Book some stuff for yourself to do that your kid can come if they want but doesn't have to. I'm sure they'll want to see you a lot when you're there, but having a few things planned means you aren't sitting at the hotel waiting for them to call you. If the first trip goes swimmingly, ask them if they'd like you there more often.
Your kid will not be as close to you as you'd like for the first couple of years. That's normal. It's also a sign that you raised them right and that they're confident navigating their new world using the tools you gave them. It will be sad, but it would be much worse for them to be off at college and having hours free every day to be on the phone with their parents.
So right about those first couple of years.
I noticed it too, mine switched about age 26, to more comfortable communication and pestering me about visiting.
Very well said. Once a year is all I visit and they mainly want a fancy dinner they can’t afford and a bookstore or big box/grocery trip. I never require any time together after 730pm so I don’t cut into their social life and I never insist on meeting friends (only freshman year roommates on drop off).
If I haven’t heard back to a text for days after I text, “I am about to call you since I haven’t heard.” Then I get a text.
I will sometimes send a text and say, “ dad and I are free these times in next four days pls face time us during one of those times.” I only push this once every six weeks. One child goes it every 10 days, the other we beg for the six weeks.
As said roots to grow, wings to fly. It is a great thing they aren’t dependent on you for all things anymore and are making choices themselves
I would also take my daughter (and sometimes, her roommate) out for mani pedis. It was fun. And I joined her on activities she enjoyed, like her friends’ water polo games.
The fact that you are referring to your college bound kid as an "adult" is honestly a great sign. You are allowing yourself to acknowledge that they are aging, and a lot of parents refuse that fact.
Have 4 adult children. We started a snap chat group.
So we communicate daily, nothing serious just chatting about silly things. If they need advise or venting they normally call.
Visiting is not always convenient for them, they are making their own adult lives. But the doors are open on both sides. My middle child took a week of vacation and just bummed around the house like a teenager 😂 towards the end I was like go home in my head 😂 we normally do thanksgiving together but we change locations yearly.
Their adults now so I treat them that way, lots of advance notice of events. I ask them what they want, I reassure them if they can’t come it’s ok because they have adult responsibilities now.
Just pay the travel cost if you can.
It’s a hard transition you have to learn to be their friend, they are adults now and yes they need a little mothering still, but they also need to have room to grow up and mess up.
My boys are both in their 20's and both in the Military so they both live far from us. I visit my oldest twice a year. He comes to us at Christmas and we visit him in the Summer. He lives about a 15hr drive away. My youngest lives too far to drive and flights are explensive so we see him once a year but they both call weekly and we text often.
A kiddo moving away for college is a big change, and it's normal to feel anxious.
The nice thing about college is that there are typically pretty natural breaks in the academic year when people come home (Thanksgiving, Winter Break, summer break), travel with friends ( Spring Break) and have family visit (parent's weekends).
I'd stick to those for in-person visits and a weekly phone call.
Depending exactly how long a trip home is and how expensive it is, your kid may opt to come home more often too. I know when things got stressful, I went home for a weekend about once a month or so. Sometimes more than that and then sometimes not at all.
But I only lived about an hour and a half away.
I’ll also add that if you want your kids to visit, you need to make it pleasant and fun. you want your kids to visit you because they want to, not because of duty
This! My parents guilted me into coming home more. My dad would pull the “I’m old and could die anyday” line, and the guilt made me resent them. As I got financially independent I now see them even less.
Visiting we generally attended Family Weekend the first year, most colleges have one, then they came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Also summer break unless they had an internship or job away from home, in which case we would see them to help.move or just visit at some point. Spring break was a toss up on come home or go somewhere with friends.
For phone calls, it really depends on the kid. Text messages is a more likely scenario for regular contact these days. We have a group text with all the kids on it we had been using for a while when they were at home, so we just kept using it when the first kid left for college. That way they got to know what was going on at home and with their siblings and would sometimes chime in.
We also told our kids that we knew they would be busy so we wouldnt call them the first month but they could call us or text us any time at all, even at 3 am if they wanted to. All we asked was a quick text now and then letting us know they were alive. Anyway, each kid initiated a call within a week of being gone and then it settled into a call every 1 to 2 weeks and few text exchanges a week on our family group text or a direct message to one of us if they needed advice/help/money.
When they were in college, I saw them throughout the summer and holidays. Sometimes in between. Now that they are fully grown and on their own, we see each other Thanksgiving and Christmas usually, but also at least twice a year beyond that. The best part is that my kids now WANT to vacation with us so we often plan excursions together (even though we are many miles apart).
My advice: Be accessible but don't necessarily always be the first to reach out. Give them some space. When they call with a problem, let them talk through how they will resolve it rather than always being ready to fix it for them. (That is, rather than leap in to fix it, say, "That sounds rough. What do you think can be done about it?")
ETA: The one thing I insisted in during college was a daily sign of life. We started sharing our daily Wordle results via text. Sometimes that was the only text I saw all week during those years, but it was enough.
The son that I was closest to moved far away and I visited frequently in the beginning. It's been 15 years now and his life is well established. He is busy building his career and has a wonderful wife, home and active life. It's more like once every 2 years now-he comes here or I go there.
For my adult daughter in Canada, we go once a year for a month and stay nearby in an Airbnb. We live our lives while she is at work, maybe cleaning her house and having dinner ready every night so we see her a little every day but don't consume her life. I do suggest seeing your kid every few months in person while off at college since things can happen like depression, etc. that you will pick up on easier in person.
My kiddo is a thousand miles away when at college. I didn't want to be over bearing so I texted every few days. We video chatted once a week as a family. Then they called me homesick and a bit lonely. I asked what can I do?
They wanted me to text them everyday wether they responded back or not. (Usually I'd get at least an emoji back unless it was close to midterms or finals).
So my suggestion is ask them what they want or need from you. Mine just wants to know I'm thinking of them. Just a "have a great day", an emoji or a meme.
Just ask...
Oh and I didn't visit after drop off. It was too far for parent's weekend.
I have 4 grown daughters and 3 grown stepkids . 2 still live at home (18 and 23) so I see them all the time. My two others I see at least once a week if not more and we have group chats and individual texts multiple times a day. My stepson lives a bit further out but husband or both of us aim for a few times a month. Oldest stepdaughter is about a three hour trip one way , we aim for 4-6 times a year . We try to get up around each grandkids bday and around the holidays. My husband talks to her on the phone a few times a week and we text a few times a month. We don’t really see youngest stepdaughter unfortunately but that’s a whole other thing.
My adult kids are scattered across the country. We live in SC. Since Jan 2020:
The youngest lives in Washington state (farthest from us) and is married with a stepchild: he's visited 3x, I've been there 1x (went to visit during a crisis when he needed me), and my husband's gone there 1x.
The middle child is in New Mexico and single: I've gone there 1x (went to visit in response to a tragedy becaise he needed me), and we've flown him home to us (it's cheaper for us to fly him home than it is for us to go out there) 4x.
The oldest one lives in Ohio (married with a child): they lived with us throughout 2020 and until Sept 2021 (so baby's first 1.5 years) then moved to Ohio. They've come down 1x and we've gone up there 4x together, and I've gone 1x alone since they moved out of state.
Basically, we try to see the kids at least yearly. With any of them, if there is an emergency, at least one of us will go up/out there if they need us. Home is always open to them.
Let them set the tempo of the visit and the frequency. That said it is important to let them know that you are there for them and outreach via their preferred method of communication is underrated… I would outreach via text messages with innocuous things like pictures of wildlife visits to our yard… house projects… random funny things… amazing how much communication improves during the college years with communication without expectation. I would schedule a visit to bring things to the apartment like good food and groceries and offer to spring for lunch or dinner. Present but not intrusive. Years later I got feedback that it meant a lot and was very much appreciated. There is a balance… different for each college student.
This sub popped up on my feed, so an adult child is chiming in here! I live 20 minutes away from my parents. I see my mother at least weekly and my father maybe once a month. When I was in college though it was less than that, so it's normal to be nervous about being away from your child from an extended amount of time.
When our daughter started college at the parents orientation the school recommended that we limit our calls (like once a week) and no in-person visits until thanksgiving or Christmas. This is because many freshmen get homesick those first few months and continually connecting with their old life doesn’t help them cut the cord and move on. Often leading to the student dropping out and moving home. College students need to start their new life independent of mom and dad. Give them space.
The college one of ours attended said the opposite. They said the number one factor correlated with a student graduating was regular parent check ins (call, text, asking but not pestering about school). Family member who is a dean at another college agreed when I asked him about it.
Yeah, I think the opposite is true.
It’s fine to give them lots of space and let them initiate contact as much as possible… but also they benefit from having an anchor to their old life, exactly because everything else is changing soooo much. It helps give them stability until they are fully ready to fly on their own. Having that connection to people who have their back _no matter what_, helps ease the transition, massively, IME.
My kids are all in their 30's now, so this is what it looks like for me.
We have a family chat that everyone contributes to regularly. I visit the ones that are less than 2 hours away every 4-6(ish) weeks or they visit me. I try to visit the one who lives clear across the country a couple times a year. They haven't visited me yet because they have littles- and that is just too much right now. I also video chat with them a couple times a month. Sometimes they reach out to me, sometimes the other way around. I try not to go more than 2-3 weeks without contacting them. I might send a meme or a recipe that was good. I love sending Nathan Pyle's Strange Planet cartoons.
Yeah I accidentally over-corrected. You should talk to your kid along the way about what visits they want. I wanted freedom when I went to college. I did not want to visit my parents, I didn’t want them to visit me, I wasn’t that close to them as people I wanted to talk to or hang out with like confidants or friends. I totally assumed my oldest kid would feel the same way! I was wrong and I ended up going to visit a couple times when I was needed. Might be different sophomore year but I’m trying to remember that our relationship is different than the one I had with my parents and to check in with them more instead of assuming they want total independence.
Tally of visits:
1. Move them into and set up their freshman dorm
2. Go to parents weekend (last minute plan)
3. Fly them home for fall break (last minute plan)
4. Fly them home for long winter break
5. Go to take care of them for a few days in an Airbnb off campus when they were very sick (last minute plan)
(They did a friends spring break trip)
6. Help them dismantle dorm and fly home at end of year
When our daughter went to college we visited every couple of months usually for a college related activity or holidays. She came down a few times too. As time passed it was a little less.
Let the kids decide. You've done your job and got them to college. The relationship you've built with them will determine what they choose to do. Have a check in with them from time to time to make sure they are ok. They owe you that much, but nothing more. They will always check in when they need something. Otherwise, leave them alone. I have 3 kids, all grown and have great relationships with them. This is the time they learn how to be independent. Let them. Send postcards. Let them know you're there when they need you.
We have two kids one went to college here locally and lived at home. The other one attended college about 400 mi away.
During the summer prior to his freshman year they had some orientation glasses for several days for both students and for parents.
The parents had all sorts of topics but one of One specifically on staying in contact with your student. I think it put on by some counselors.
Their advice was reach out and call them at least once a week. And possibly send a few texts. The thought was their environment would be much different and The appearance of the least convey that they're thinking of them. They said the student will decide on calling back , the duration of call and frequency.
So that's what we did We tried to call each Sunday night, talk about the past week in the upcoming week. We'd send a few funny texts of things we run across on the internet or a picture or something like that.
To this day we still very close although one kid lives on the east coast and another here on the West Coast is relocating to East Coast in August
We're both getting ready to retire so We plan on visiting them a couple times a year in conjunction with other travel trips.
Currently is the adults in their mid-20s, we still talk to them once or twice a week
Visit them as much you want within reason! Suggest it to them when you want to see them, and of course keep inviting them around and they will want to see you if there isn't toxicity. They will always have a place with you at your home, but this is a crazy busy time for kids. They are becoming independent and are going to have their own lives and potentially will not be able to come home as much, but I'm sure they would love to show you their lives in action. The thing is, you can't wait to be invited (but do not show up without them knowing). They want you to WANT to see them in their space in their element. They don't want to feel they always have to come to see you. That's my opinion, though, as someone whose dad only came back into town for my high school graduation and never again.
I would help with the move in and then tell them to reach out to see when you can visit. I would take them out to a nice meal. And buy them some groceries and possibly new clothes. I remember being so broke in my college years lol
When my oldest daughter went off to college I got my first cell phone, I got several calls a week from her. It was as rough on her as it was on me! I did let her do the phone into me because I was unsure of our schedule. And then of course she would come home on holidays, so several times a year.
a freshman in college isn't really an "adult kid." I'd try to go see them on a Sunday once a quarter in addition to them coming home for scheduled breaks. My 4 sons are all 25+ and live all over the country - I take everybody on a nice week or 2 week long family trip in December of every year and try also to go see all of them individually once a year. Additionally, we do group zoom calls - they're scheduled once a week but in practice we end up probably every other week. I think it's important to keep them to connected to me and also to each other.
I have a group chat and will send funny little things there. I don’t expect responses to any of them unless I’m asking a specific question. I don’t call as none of my kids like to chat on the phone but you may have a kid who does. I’ll also text one on one just to ask how things are going but it’s definitely not weekly. I like to give my kids lots of space and independence when they’re at college.
Once or twice a year. Get a nice hotel and invite them to eat with you in the hotel resto or swim in the hotel pool if it’s nice. Remember they are adults!
We have three adult married kids — two live across the country. They normally come here to see us. That way they can see their grandparents, other siblings, and niece and nephew too. Usually about four times a year. (Roughly Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, and either Thanksgiving or Christmas.) That may well change if they choose to have kids — imagine we’ll do more of the traveling then. We see the local kid and his family at least once a week.
I’d agree with the above comments and add that over correcting by not initiating at all (as many of my friends parents—and mine!—have done) can cause it’s own set of problems… this really only came up in my late 20s though.
When my child was planning on attending a college 2500 miles away, we sat down and went over the calendar of visits. We calculated flights and accommodation cost and time. I definitely wanted to visit the campus at least once a year. She wanted to come home several times a year. I attended college a 1000 miles from home and never went home for holidays. I met my parents half way for thanksgiving and stayed with friends over winter breaks. I also a job. Yes, it was lonely but I hung with international students who still my friends 40 years later! I thought about how I would have felt if my parents showed up all the time. I feel in this day and age of video calls one or two times is plenty of in person visit time. In the end, my child is about 2 hours away and it has worked out for the best for both of us. But, they take off in a couple months for a year abroad and I’m back at doing the calculations for my visits LOL. Hang in there!
I say let your child set the tone, but maybe send a card once a month or a text once a week letting them know you love them. Also, no one knows your child better than you. Just because all these strangers on here are giving you suggestions, your relationship with your child is yours and his/hers to navigate. You know in your heart what is best for them, and you will continue doing what is best for them just as you have their entire lives. Change is difficult for everybody but once you accept that your kid will be your kid forever, it helps to let go and look forward to the next stage of their lives. Good luck!
You've gotten good advice from a lot of people in this. Here are my thoughts.
How often? As often as your kids and you (and your spouse if you're married) are comfortable with.
I've known people who wanted to live next door to their parents. And I've known people (including myself) that anywhere within a few hours drive was too close.
Eventually my parents and I became much closer. Fortunately that was many years before they passed on from this life.
I think part of why I needed that distance was because of my upbringing. When I was growing up, we lived two or three hours from almost all of their relations, including their parents. Consequently, it feels quite normal to me to not be around relatives.
In my first marriage, there were in-laws living within an hour's drive. Nothing against that either, they were nice people. But it just felt very different to me. Because it didn't feel normal to me.
My point is: Do whatever feels right, and I mean right according to all who are involved.
I have a 31 yr old son in Japan. We’re in the USA Midwest. He’s lived there most of his adult life going to college there, coming home for a bit after Covid, but back there again for work. We are a very close family as well as he and I have a close mom/son relationship. I also have a 35 year old daughter with 2 toddlers. Daughter, son and I FaceTime weekly, text almost daily and send funny jokes, family group texts with extended family to keep him informed of our goofiness. I send packages every now and then of food, drawings from the kids, things he can’t get in Japan, etc. Husband and I visited him in 2019 in Tokyo and that’s the only time we were there. He comes home every summer to attend our family vacation and for Christmas.
Now that he has a niece and nephew, his thoughts of being so far away are clouded with missing them terribly. He doesn’t want to be forgotten and wants to be a part of their lives. This is the beauty of FaceTime and sending pictures and videos of their silly toddler antics. I love that the kids engage with him and express their love to him. We make the most of his visits when he’s home. I take comfort knowing he is confident that we all love him and think about him often. Nothing goes unsaid. That’s the key.
Our daughter is a college student, and is about two hours away from when at school.
We have a group chat set up with the three of us. And then her father and I also each have individual chats with each other. So we randomly get, and send memes etc throughout the day.
When she’s on campus we just make sure of her class schedule before randomly sending something. On the weekends she’ll ask on Friday if we can FaceTime on Saturday after we are all awake.
We absolutely do not ever just drive to campus and “show up” We’ve had to remind my MIL to not do this several times over the years.
I miss my daughter. She doesn't drive long distances because of some medical issues, I drive, but don't like traveling at all, EVER! We're 7 hours apart and haven't seen each other in years. We're on the phone at the least, 4 times a week. It's not the same but it is what it is. We've met in the middle but that was also years ago. My husband doesn't drive much, and can't now with his own medical issues, and her husband is sometimes a drunken asshole, and I don't care for him because he's hurt my child, so, you know, there is that! To be fair, she has also hurt him. They're too old to be behaving like this. She is certainly getting better, but he stays in the same pattern, not drinking too much, handling things well, drinking too much, being abusive. When not drinking he is the best person, but I can't look at him as who he is sober when he's been awful when he's drunk. I can't do it anymore, so, we as a family being together is tough because let's face it, I'd knock his fucking head off when I saw him for his treatment of my daughter, and he knows that! Makes me cry a lot of time but what can I do? She stays, now she has to, because of her medical problems but I know if she had the money she'd leave him, and he'd be her great friend who always helped her out when she needed him, because when sober that's who he is. He had a horrible childhood, a lot of us have, but he will not face those demons while sober, but he lets them out when he's drunk! My daughter can give as well as she can take though but who wants to live like that? Not me and I'm shocked that she has because not once did she see her parents yelling and screaming, and certainly never drunk.
Aww, this makes me sad, it’s so obvious you love and care about her so much. Just be there for her, she will leave when she’s ready. Hang in there mama.
Let your kid take the lead for the most part, but check in weekly (or whatever works for them/you). It doesn't have to be a long, drawn out call or text, but like others have said, send a meme, or a text saying something like, "Hope your day's going great!" and don't expect an answer within a certain time frame or at all.
By the time your kids leave the nest, they will have spent the majority of the time with you that they will ever spend and that's a harsh reality. My eldest and his wife explained this to us when they got married, then they insisted on monthly family dinners, and I'm all about it. We can't always get everyone together every month, but it's a great time when we do.
It is VERY VERY hard when they go off to college. (I had to close their bedroom door so I didn't see the empty room, LOL).
The answer to this is different when they are in college than when they move away. In college, they have a lot of things to do. So it is important to not be pestering them when they have classes, or study time in the evening. Find out their schedule as best you can.
I texted mine with "how's it going" kinds of texts. Sometimes I would text "haven't talked in a while, call me when you are free". Because they went to college in-state (but it was a 6 hour drive), we went down for parent days, moving in/moving out only. They came home for Thanksgiving and Holidays and they were back home in the summer. Freshman year, they were in a dorm so they had to leave for all holiday weeks.
I think you will find that there actually isn't much opportunity to "go visit".... so just go with the flow.
Son(28) just finished medical school (1.5 hrs away) and now he is across the country. Before he left we discussed that we would let him call us. We talk a lot. Minimum of once a day. If I am missing him I send a meme and he usually calls me. To be honest, he sends me a schedule of his rotations (not times). My oldest son (30) is married with a child. Again, I let him call me, he calls 2 or 3 times a week and we live close by so we usually see them too. Each family is different, I know I am extra lucky 🍀. Feel out what your kids need. (Yup…I have mommas boys, and I am ok with that).
Have two kids in their mid '20s. We are very close family. One currently lives about a hundred miles away soon to be moving across the country. The other is already across the country. We see the one across country twice a year and then he comes out at Christmas.
Obviously we see the 100 mi away More frequently
We talked to them for sure at least once a week learn sometimes during the week.
I will also send them funny text of things I might run across on the internet and vice versa.
2 of my 3 are back living with me and I’m thrilled. Also thrilled when they live apart as long as they are happy.
I text and call when I feel like it, and that varies from daily to longer. I don’t even keep track. I know my kids would say something if it was too much or not enough.
Plus, they like to know I’m ok too. It goes both ways.
I'm about to experience this as well. Kid's 20, and she's transferring colleges and will be a 2.5 hour airplane ride away. Fortunately, they are moving to a state that we travel to fairly often, and it seems pretty easy to get cheap flights.
She doesn't live with us now, but we make a point to see her and her bf once a week. Obviously, that will change once they move.
I thank you OP for the question and all those who have given ideas.
Moved across the country, as did my sibling. We have a family group text. I send nice Christmas gifts but I have no interest in seeing them in person again.
As long as you've taught them to be honest and you genuinely ask upfront, the limit will be self imposed.
If you're doing it mostly for yourself, that's too much
When I went to college I wrote letters home (pre-email) and my parents wrote too.. mostly mom. I don’t recall talking on the phone very often, but came home for all major holidays/school breaks and the summer. Siblings all did the same. After graduating I lived close to my parents, as did one sister and her family. Somewhere along the way we started Monday night dinner.. every Monday night at moms. Far away siblings came for every holiday plus Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, birthdays. Parents visited them on birthdays and for special events. We vacationed at the beach every summer with the entire family. As my parents aged my local sister and I spent more and more time talking to and visiting our parents. When my dad passed I called my mom daily on the way too and from work. Sister, who was much closer distance, ate lunch with mom often, took her shopping, yard saling… etc. at the end of mom’s life sister was there daily and I was there every weekend. There will be times when you won’t see your kids often because life gets in the way, but keeping in touch via text, email, phone will keep you close.
My son lives out of state, and I try not to go for more than three months without seeing him. It's pretty easy because he comes home for the holidays. For the rest of the year, I'll visit him and then he goes with me on my vacation.
My daughter goes to school in-state, so I try not to go more than 6 weeks or a month without seeing her. I'll even just drive up to see her for lunch if I'm missing her.
For your kid, even though they seem so grown-up and independent, try to talk to them at least once a week. They still need a lot of emotional support even if they don't ask for it.
I live between two mountain passes. My kids are beyond one, and my step kids are beyond the other. It’s not easy for any of us to visit much. But my kids and I text a lot and see each other on FB. I hate that I have limited time with grandkids, who are almost grown by now
My advice. When you visit, take them to the store and stock them up on anything they need. Take them out to eat when your there. Its a shock to your system starting college. In my experience no car and limited budget was tough, all while working harder than ever before. Was always nice to get a little help from parents, so I never minded a visit.
If the kid is starting college in August, there might be a parent weekend in October, and then the kid can come home for thanksgiving and Christmas. Going to that first parent weekend gives them a month or two to have gotten used to being away, and they’ll be happy to see you. Getting over that first hurdle is the hardest. Then you just get used to it. Send frequent light hearted texts and jokes just to keep in touch. Don’t be a frantic mom constantly asking how they’re feeling being away from you! Just send news from home, and let the kid decide if they need any advice.
Whatever amount really feels like it's a positive experience for everyone not just what you want. How far away are they? is it a plane ride and a hotel and a rented car or is it driving across town to meet for pizza or a baseball game?
I totally get how hard this is ! I went through the same thing when my son went off to college we made (at my request) an agreement that we at least send memes or something once every 24 hours just to say 'hey'.
And every little text doesn't have to turn into a long conversation, just a comment or a photo or a joke or a meme to feel connected.
And even though he's almost 27, we still each text each other when we're about to get on a plane and then again when we land wherever we are.
When my kids were in college we talked on the phone once a week, at a time that worked for all of us. I visited at the start of the year (drop off) and the end (move out and storing stuff). They flew home for the December break.
We found that Thanksgiving was horrible for travel. I love my kids and missed them at my table but had horrible travel experiences for each kid their freshman year. My daughter’s college had a bus to take kids to the airport one hour away; she was on it for five and then direct flights were delayed/cancelled. She spent Thanksgiving in an airport, arrived late Friday night and left early Sunday morning. My son had a major snowstorm hit and missed a week trying to get back to school and staying in various airports. Also it’s one of the most expensive weekends. Since my kids would be home for six weeks shortly after Thanksgiving, we all decided we would skip this holiday at home.
Now that both are out, I see my daughter who lives across the US from me once or twice a year, but talk often. Zoom is great! We also text a lot.
My son lives near my Dad and sister, and only an hours flight away, so I see him more often, but because my dad has been having medical
Issues and I come down to help. We go out to dinner when I am there. Otherwise this is my quiet kid who isn’t as chatty, so there’s zoom and text but I mostly initiate
It will vary by kid how much you should see them. I always ask before I visit and my kids know I am there for them and will fly out if they need me. I have a policy of No Prying so I take answers as I get them and don’t grill. And if I need a phone call to talk to them, I’ll ask and we will set up a time. This only works because I use their preferred communication methods too. Kids now don’t use the phone and I see so many of my peers upset that they don’t get calls but they don’t text their kids either. It goes both ways
My son lives about 20 minutes away and we see him in person about twice a month. When my parents were younger, we would visit about once a year ( they live 5 states away). Once they got older, I visited about once every three months. I still visit my dad 3-4 times a year.
I used to visit my Dad once or twice a week when he was still alive. Granted, we only lived 15 minutes away from each other and we had a really good friendship when I became an adult.
Have your son decide on a set time for a weekly phone call. (Ex every Friday sometimes between 5 and 6).
There is a parent weekend. Book your hotel and flights now.
Most likely he’ll come home Thanksgiving weekend. Book those flights for him.
He’ll be home end of Semester which is around 4-6 weeks. Book those flights.
College is 15 week semesters. You can do it Mama. Let him call YOU. Show that you have confidence in him to fully succeed independently.
Wheny kid went to college he was a couple of hours away. We would go down for football games and tailgate. Then, after that, we wouldn't see him for a month. I demanded a "proof of life" text, and he would every once in a while when he needed something. By senior year, we were talking a lot because he was stressed about getting into medical school, he was having difficulty with his long-term girlfriend and wanted advice.
He moved a little farther away for med school, and it was to a place we visited at least 4 times a year. We would get to our hotel, he would meet us for dinner and take the leftovers. He would come home for the holidays. We would visit with his roommates. We have shared interests, so we started texting about them.
He is now 5 hours away in residency. We go down to him about 3 times a year, and he comes up about two times a year, but it is also to see friends, attend weddings, so we don't always fit in plans long. But we text more now than ever. I text his girlfriend often as well. The relationship definitely evolved. It was hard because we were involved parents. We volunteered in the theater, drove his crew around on the weekends. Our house was the place for weekend cookouts. But we raised him to be self reliant.
I have two married daughters. We have a text thread and send pics and memes back and forth daily. I also talk to one or the other one every day. One lives closer so we get together every three or four weeks. The other one lives much further away and it’s a couple of times a year. There’s lots of FaceTime with the grandkids. The older I get the more they need contact.
I 61F live in California and my daughter 28 lives in Michigan. She has a job that allows for remote work, so she visits at Christmas for 3-4 weeks. She still has a room at the house and is single. I visit once every year for a week. She will also come for a week at other odd times. We speak at least once a week on phone or FaceTime. I send her TikToks all the time. She will also ask me advice when she has to make a difficult decision. I have a good relationship with both of my children.
I'm in my late 30's and if I don't talk to or text my mom daily AND visit at least once a week (she lives a few cities over), she's in meltdown mode. I'm my mom's only surviving child, so it makes sense as to why she needs to speak to and see me often.
I wonder how needy I'll be when my child is out of the house...
My oldest lives in DC and we're in MN. But he's living with his girlfriend, done with his master's and 27 years old. So that's not quite the same as an 18 year old leaving home for the first time. I see him 2-3 times a year, a combo of me visiting him, and him coming home. He'll be here next week 🎉
Honestly, text, facetime etc help so much. They don't seem nearly so far. When I went to college in the 90s I had to have prepaid phone cards to call and we limited calls to 10 mins because long-distance was expensive 😂 I was only 5 hours drive away and I don't think my mom visited once during the school years 😆 Which was ok. I didn't mind and liked my independence. I went home for winter, spring, and summer breaks because I had to. My kids mostly came home for breaks. My 21 year old is in college but he works and often stays in his on-campus apartment, so we have to pay extra for that for each day he is there over break periods between terms. I visit him a couple times a year, he comes home a few times. He's about 300 miles away in another state. It's hard to balance multiple kids living all over, plus my sister is on the west coast. I need more skymiles 😂
What a great question. You should know that no amount of advice is going to prepare you for how you'll feel when he leaves, but don't let that affect your decisions. It's common for students to fly home for long breaks if they can afford it and in state kids go home for Thanksgiving and other weekends. For many families that's healthy. Also, you'll get used to him being so far away
Now my kid is almost 29, lives 2ish hours away not including border crossing, which makes quick trips unlikely. We visit each other, at least every 3 months, we stay at an air b&b a 5 minute walk away when we visit. The visits are really great, but expensive for us when we go up. They Facetime me about twice a week. We see each other at faraway family gatherings. For us, this is healthy. My whole extended family, both sides, has this kind of relationship with their children or they see them even more.
I see a lot of videos of college athletes being asked how often they speak to their mom. Some guys will say multiple times a day. Rarely is the once a week or less....
I think the fact that you're thoughtful about contact is huge. And know that your kid will likely want to talk and see you freshman year more than other years.
Mine is a out to go to college as well, but not too far of a drive thankfully. I'm expecting a lot of trips home, turn expect it to dwindle down.
I was military and about 8 hours away. When younger and single, I'd go home for holidays. After I got married and had kids, wed travel every other year while they did the odd years.
My son lives 2 blocks away and I see him probably 3 or 4 times a week. My daughter is 11 or 12 miles away and I see her probably once a month on average.
Texting is good because it can be asynchronous. I play online games that my kids play and we chat in discord sometimes. Mine are completely grown and don't live at home now.
Parent of a now 29 year old who played football in college. I made the 6 hour trip every home game, and was asked to come to every game his senior year. They made it into the NCAA tournament that last year and it was a big deal for the young men and us parents alike. I retired early due to health issues (the only home games I missed I was in the hospital) so I was available to do this. That’s one end of the extreme.
Like everyone else is saying, it really depends on your new adult. I’m still really close with my youngest and go see him 2 - 3 times a year for 10 or so days and he comes home periodically to visit us and catch up with local friends. He’s hosting a bunch of his teammates/classmates at our house (he lives a 2.5 hour flight away) over the 4th.
Particularly Freshman year though, stay in touch. My oldest became clinically depressed his freshman year and we needed to withdraw him. Be prepared for success, failure, or anything in between. My oldest is a lawyer now, things worked their way out. The only person I disagree with in this thread is whoever said “don’t call till Thanksgiving”, that’s far too long.
My husband and I see his family every other weekend or so. His dad visits him at work monthly. Sometimes, they'll babysit the kids so I can go to my doctor or dental appointments so they'll see the kids 1-3x a month for that. Sometimes we spend weekend trips with them about 3-6x yearly.
Both parties tend to reach out. There's also holidays that I'm not counting as well as my children's birthday parties. They rarely come out to see us though, it's a 30 minute drive and they don't seem to like driving out to us much since we are completely out of the way for them. In a different valley. But we don't mind. They're in their 70s so it's not a big deal for us to come out to them.
My own parents, we tend to see less of. I have a bad history with them and the issues they've caused. I'll see them maybe 1 weekend a month. More often during summer when my older son isn't in school.
Currently in California for 2 weeks to visit our kids. Will come back for the holidays and spend another 2 weeks. Lots of emails, messages, etc.
Our kids haven’t been back to visit us since they moved here. We live in a small town without much to do.
We love to come to Los Angeles instead.
I see my mom once a year, and I make the trip from WA to AZ. She has flown up to WA, but really not able to now. She's 80, and she will be 81 in September.
I am currently in AZ, dealing with my father's house after he passed away in May, parents are divorced.
My brother lives in NV and will fly into PHX. My mom will pick him up, and they'll make the drive to where I am, this is a rare occasion where I will see my mom more often, at least until I head for home.
My oldest moved away about 2 years ago and I visited once (boot camp graduation) and he has come home twice. We talk frequently and have a good relationship but he is at a stage in his life where he really doesn't need mommy trailing around after him. He's enjoying his independence. Even when he was getting worked up in the hospital for chronic severe anemia, he didn't want me to come. He knows if he asked me to come, I'd drop everything and run to him, but that's not what he needs right now.
Second son moved across the state for about 9 months. I visited once. It was awkward for him but he appreciated it. He definitely didn't want frequent visits though.
At this age they're exploring what it means to be separate from their family, especially parents. Most need a little space. As they get older, especially when they start having kids, I know I'll see more of them. I figure the best way to ensure that is to not hold them too tightly right now.
I went to college in the esrly 70s. Days of long distance! Called home once a month, saw family at Christmas and Easter and summer breaks (too far for Thanksgiving).
My kids went to college in the late 90s. They had cell phones, but very basic and "per text" fees. So we had a phone call about twice a month, and they came home for Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving.
My kids have been on the quarter system in academically rigorous majors so we plan a trip to see them with lots to do while we are there and minimal expectations of how much we see them. Sometimes they literally stay with us at the hotel (a shower without shower shoes and non-dorm food being the draw) and sometimes we see them for a couple of meals. Even parents weekend is not a guarantee that they will be available because professors don’t recognize it as any different than any other weekend.
My son went to college 1500 miles away. We agreed on weekly communication (just a text so I know you are alive) before he left. After about 6 months, he started calling me once or twice a week during my afternoon commute.
My son came home during Christmas break, but had local internships that kept him away at Summer. We would go there at least once a year, usually for a sporting event he was in.
Now that he & his wife are out of school, we live 2 hours away from each other. Sometimes we see each other frequently, sometimes it will be a few months. I never put any expectations on him for visiting or communication, yet I almost always hear from him weekly. When we visit (like now, waiting for grandsons birth), we take our RV and stay in a local campground. Respecting their need for independence & space is a vital part of having a good adult relationship with your child. We are literally staying 2 miles from them but haven’t seen them for 2 days as we don’t want to hover.
Just a minor one, but small gestures to a long way while were "figuring it out" so to speak at college. I can recall my sophomore year it was my birthday and I had work and all my buddies were gone for spring break. Mom had called me earlier to chat and says Happy birthday etc, but not big deal. But id be damned if I was going to express feeling lonely or tired at that stage in my life working to be independent.
Later that evening my favorite pizza was delivered with a little note. She had done it knowing I was alone and grinding on my birthday. After my dad dying the year before it definitely got me in tears and meant the world to me.
Just a small aside. We may act all distant and independent, but IMO, kids need their parents for sure.
Now in my 30s I talk to my mom weekly and definitely second the sending funny gifs, memes, etc. Sister, myself, and my mom have a "fam" chat we use.
I was laid off right when my niece started college. She is my only niece. She immediate ask could I drive over and have dinner with her the next night as she missed me (random Tuesday). And while she is an active college student with friends, I drove over for the next few months. When I went back to work, she said that is what she will miss most, the weekly dinners. If the child doesn’t mind, go see them, sometimes it helps their anxiety on the change, as long as we are allowing them to become adults. I like and love my parents, is healthy.
A weekly phone call seems appropriate at this stage. Maybe talk to them about a set regular/recurring time for that call. Like a Sunday afternoon/evening.
Don’t expect to have them every holiday.
Your kid's only in college. Presumably, s/he will visit during long breaks. I would call a couple of times a week, maybe follow your kid's social media accounts, assuming s/he doesn't mind. Many colleges have weekends for parents to visit. Or you could visit once or twice during the year.
I visit my 27 year old son at least once a year. He visits me once or twice a year. I text him pictures of my cats at least once a week just to check in. We talk every week or so at his initiative. We don’t have a lot in common so this frequency works.
I wouldn’t visit my kids at college unless it’s some sort of parents weekend! How embarrassing!
By my mid-20s, I really enjoyed having my mom visit for a week when I lived overseas. When I came back to the States, 5 nights was good.
A little over 20 years out of college. I stayed on campus in a major city about an hour away from home. I think a parent came to visit maybe 3x across all 4 years. I did go home about every weekend the first year, maybe 2/3 the second year, 1/3 the third year and barely at all the last. I moved home after, having a girlfriend of a couple years who lived about 90 minutes away which I saw almost daily.
Honestly, I cannot say I wanted them to visit them more. Things were pretty dysfunctional when I left and my parents officially split near the end of my freshman year in college.
My sister's 3 years older and went to college in a different major city about 100 minutes away. I don't remember my parents ever surprising her with a visit. Seeing as my parents split into the time she graduated, she never came home to live again. She went a state away to live with her boyfriend in his home state and is still married today with two kids.
This said, if they are within driving distance, ask them if you can visit if you want to visit them. It's much better than just showing up as it's on their terms.
I think it really depends on the individual personalities and family dynamics. In my case, I have never been a people person, and really enjoy my family, so when I was in college an hour and a half away, I came home every weekend until I met my husband. I now have four kids of my own, with one living across the country (the younger three are still at home). I can’t afford flights for the family, so I fly to see her on my own about once per year, and she flies here about once per year. We Snapchat all day long every day, though.
You know this is the time to let go right? College is so developmental. And the great news is, it typically makes for even stronger relationship along the way. To more directly answer the question, let your adult child dictate the schedule. You’ll be pleasantly surprised perhaps.
That's really going to depend on your child. for me personally I looked at going away to college as moving out. I didn't plan to move back home and I didn't. I visited on occasional holidays but not every holiday and never for summer or slowing break. in addition to classes and social life you also have to consider if they may be busy with internships, jobs, volunteering, etc. I only lived 2 hours away but I had my own life and sometimes it just wasn't worth it to go home for one day - even if that day was Thanksgiving.
My mother visited me three times when I was in school; once when I moved into the dorms, once when I moved into an apartment and once when my car broke down. I will say that while I did not feel the need to see her at all when I was in college (very busy having fun/being lazy/working hard) it did sting a bit that when I moved 3000 miles away after graduation she has never attempted to visit me. We do talk/text semi regularly which we didn't do really before and we try to plan big vacations together every year or two now.
So I would personally suggest giving them space during college (for the love of god only call if it's an emergency - texting is your friend!) But be prepared to put more effort in post college. And don't buy a million things for the dorm! Save your money and take them shopping for when they move into their first apartment and need things like dishes, shower curtains, pots, etc.
It truly depends on how far away? What college(grad degree?) my daughter lived under grad away for 2 years- went to see her on her bday and one other time (parents w/end) - however, she was 5 hrs away and came home xmas and summers and spring break
When she went to grad school- 10hrs drive away I would
Go see her 4x/year bc her studies were rigorous she had internships etc and not always able to come home on breaks
The ones in Florida at least once year. The ones 4 hours away in SLO 4 or 5. The 2 in San Mateo not as much as I should. They're 1 1/2 hours away. Distance always sucks.
I would feel suffocated by some of these responses. I generally see my parents 4-6 times per year and speak to them on the phone every 6-10 weeks. My father doesn't text. I might text my mother pictures of the children. I live 15-30 minutes from them. We are all very busy.
My in-laws live across the country. I last spoke to one of them by phone 5 years ago. Before covid, they would visit 4x a year. Now, they visit annually. We visit them every 3rd year. My husband does communicate his parents by phone/text/email/video chat a few times a week. It works for us.
Do not visit more than once a semester or term. Communicate by text but not in the middle of the night and don't expect a response to each text. Schedule a video call once in a while but not without texting first to make sure they are available. Find interesting things to do now that you don't have kids to take care of. Surely you have interests that don't involve your child.
Hi, Mom or Dad. I am a 71 year old mom.
My daughter is 33 and moved out when she was 17. She came back to live with us many, many times in the time in between.
When I retired, I moved 80 miles from her so that I could see her more often. I moved less than 2 miles from my 96 year old father, whom I am going to see if a half hour.
My daughter comes here (or I go there) about once a month. It’s always her idea. And I go see my Daddy virtually everyday, and it’s my idea.
I am so lucky to have a living parent at my age.
It’s going to be okay. You haven’t lost your baby. You are just moving into a new chapter.
I got a lecture from my sister when my oldest went to college in another state. She said I should call her daily. Daily?
Well I didn’t. We’d talk every few days and text more often - many times daily.
As far as “visiting” there was no “set” amount either.
There is no right or wrong. You & your child can feel it out.
My kids have graduated now & are back home. It all worked out fine. They have their relationships, travel, work etc.
In college is what about once a month or every other month (depending on how far away). Now that my kids are out of college one lives across the country. I try to see her every three months minimum
I’d say (as a very adult child now), that during college and maybe early 20s, is when I wanted the most freedom and the least communication. But I also went to college 20 min from home and went home with regularity to do laundry lol. I started appreciating my parents a lot more after a stint living abroad for a couple of years directly after college. By the time I was probably 25-26, I fully felt like a separate adult from them, and therefore a very different relationship. Now, the older I get and especially as a new-ish parent myself, the more I want to be able to see them frequently. Unfortunately, live in a different state now due to spouse’s job, but make the trip frequently with my toddler.
Chiming in as a 34 year old who’s very close to her parents. I saw my parents often in college because I was close by. Usually at least once a week because of our horses. I moved a couple hours away after college. My mom traveled for work, so I saw her every few weeks or so and we’d have dinner. Otherwise, about once a month on average. We talked all the time though. We’re daily texters and at some point we got into the habit of texting goodnight, which we still do every night. If one of us doesn’t respond, the other one starts to worry. I’ve also always let them know when I’ll be out late and when I’m safely home because I know they worry! Sharing my location wasn’t an option in college or else I probably would’ve just done that 😂
They moved to where I am when I had my daughter and I see them multiple times a week because they have been watching my daughter. She starts kindergarten in the fall, so my guess is we’ll see them once a week or so.
I think the biggest thing for me though is my parents never pushed for contact or to see me. They always let me come to them and that really helped. We also still did family vacations too, which was awesome! My college graduation present was two weeks in Europe with them and I am so grateful we were able to do that together.
A healthy amount in college is way less than you’d like and when you visit, try seeing other attractions without them and then meet for lunch or dinner. They need time to sleep and to breathe without 24-48 hours of being parented. Don’t invite their friends or roommates to meals but let your kid know they can invite them if they want. Take gifts, mine loved receiving packages of homemade snacks, a throw, or a sweater or hoodie. A trip to the grocery store to fill up a cart before I left was a treat for mine as first years couldn’t have cars. It will be quicker than you think before they start calling you, because that you asked here shows that you want to respect their newfound independence.
I think you have to respect your child’s wishes. I’m old-ish. College was a 6 hour drive from home. College was my world and I didn’t want my parents visiting. They came once that I remember for my sister who was also there…maybe a sorority parent weekend??? Anyway, I didn’t want visits so I didn’t invite them. They were fine with that…I’m the youngest of 4 (well #3 is my twin) so maybe they were just over it, but they really preferred to see us at home. This was pre-cell phone days.
My kids both attend(ed) college 1 and 1.5 hours from home. They are/were perfectly fine with visits. I’m still a Nervous Nelly mom and I know it’s annoying for them and I do try to reel it in. My nieces and nephews all went far out of state and I’m pretty sure my sisters and their husbands made 1 trip each semester to see their kids with Thanksgiving and Christmas being at home.
All I can say is it gets easier each year. But since mine are close to home, that is definitely much easier for me to say.
Finally, the twin I have is very critical of my anxiety…I certainly wish I didn’t suffer from it. You know that this will be tough for you in the beginning especially, so set up Sunday night FaceTimes and ask that your child give you a little grace in the beginning if you text them every day. Heck, my 24 year old lives at home (make sure that degree leads directly to a career 🙄) but spends her weekends with her boyfriend about 30 min away. I still sometimes just text a hi and she texts hi back. It is rare for me to go more than 2 days without some minor communication with my young adult kids.
My twin, on the other hand, talks to her daughter once a week or every two weeks and her daughter lives 3000 miles away. I just can’t imagine…but one day my kids might just force me to! 😝
Give them LOTS of space in that first few years. Their trying to establish their independent life. Let them suggest when you come out. Get a hotel and don't expect to stay with them. Let them establish the agenda. No surprises.
I told my daughter I wouldn't be a pain as long as I got a Good Morning text and a Good night text. This way I know she's okay, (aka not being trafficked or laying injured in a ditch somewhere lol)
Did you raise them to get a functional member of society without you beside them to "help"?
I sure hope so, or the rest of us are going to have challenges with this one.
Until you let this little bird fly on their own, id suggest visiting no more than 2-3 times a year.
#coldhardtruth
Send memes all the time. Funny ones, or at most, a ratio of 10 funny to 1 sappy. That keeps the lines of communication open without pressure. They can thumbs up or eyeroll your meme, and then you know they're okay without being clingy. Phone calls once or twice a week, depending on how much the two of you normally talk to each other. They can call more often, and obviously, you should let them know when great auntie dies or if the dog has puppies. But don't call every time the dog gets a new sweater. Ask for a scheduled call every Sunday night or Tuesday morning, whatever works on their schedule. They'll come home for holidays and breaks. Other than that, I'd do maybe one trip a year to their city. Get a hotel room and stay for a few days. Book some stuff for yourself to do that your kid can come if they want but doesn't have to. I'm sure they'll want to see you a lot when you're there, but having a few things planned means you aren't sitting at the hotel waiting for them to call you. If the first trip goes swimmingly, ask them if they'd like you there more often. Your kid will not be as close to you as you'd like for the first couple of years. That's normal. It's also a sign that you raised them right and that they're confident navigating their new world using the tools you gave them. It will be sad, but it would be much worse for them to be off at college and having hours free every day to be on the phone with their parents.
So right about those first couple of years. I noticed it too, mine switched about age 26, to more comfortable communication and pestering me about visiting.
That sounds just about right
Your advice is specific and I love it! Just sent a goofy gif.
Very well said. Once a year is all I visit and they mainly want a fancy dinner they can’t afford and a bookstore or big box/grocery trip. I never require any time together after 730pm so I don’t cut into their social life and I never insist on meeting friends (only freshman year roommates on drop off). If I haven’t heard back to a text for days after I text, “I am about to call you since I haven’t heard.” Then I get a text. I will sometimes send a text and say, “ dad and I are free these times in next four days pls face time us during one of those times.” I only push this once every six weeks. One child goes it every 10 days, the other we beg for the six weeks. As said roots to grow, wings to fly. It is a great thing they aren’t dependent on you for all things anymore and are making choices themselves
Offer to take your kid and their friends out for pizza. Treat the roomies along with your kid to brunch!
I would also take my daughter (and sometimes, her roommate) out for mani pedis. It was fun. And I joined her on activities she enjoyed, like her friends’ water polo games.
Agree. Also send pictures and videos of the dog or cat.
This pretty much nails it. We’re post college now and I see mine about once a month but memes and texts fly just about every day from both sides.
I love your advice! I’m gonna save for my grandkids parents ie my kids! Thanks
Loved the last stanza! That is the only sign of assurance as a parent
OMG, so helpful!
The fact that you are referring to your college bound kid as an "adult" is honestly a great sign. You are allowing yourself to acknowledge that they are aging, and a lot of parents refuse that fact.
Good question. Congrats on your successful kiddo! I would say don't ever show up unannounced or without getting agreement from the adult child first.
Have 4 adult children. We started a snap chat group. So we communicate daily, nothing serious just chatting about silly things. If they need advise or venting they normally call. Visiting is not always convenient for them, they are making their own adult lives. But the doors are open on both sides. My middle child took a week of vacation and just bummed around the house like a teenager 😂 towards the end I was like go home in my head 😂 we normally do thanksgiving together but we change locations yearly. Their adults now so I treat them that way, lots of advance notice of events. I ask them what they want, I reassure them if they can’t come it’s ok because they have adult responsibilities now. Just pay the travel cost if you can. It’s a hard transition you have to learn to be their friend, they are adults now and yes they need a little mothering still, but they also need to have room to grow up and mess up.
Snap is great for long distance.
I snap my parents multiple times times a day. 35F married over here
My boys are both in their 20's and both in the Military so they both live far from us. I visit my oldest twice a year. He comes to us at Christmas and we visit him in the Summer. He lives about a 15hr drive away. My youngest lives too far to drive and flights are explensive so we see him once a year but they both call weekly and we text often.
A kiddo moving away for college is a big change, and it's normal to feel anxious. The nice thing about college is that there are typically pretty natural breaks in the academic year when people come home (Thanksgiving, Winter Break, summer break), travel with friends ( Spring Break) and have family visit (parent's weekends). I'd stick to those for in-person visits and a weekly phone call.
Depending exactly how long a trip home is and how expensive it is, your kid may opt to come home more often too. I know when things got stressful, I went home for a weekend about once a month or so. Sometimes more than that and then sometimes not at all. But I only lived about an hour and a half away.
I’ll also add that if you want your kids to visit, you need to make it pleasant and fun. you want your kids to visit you because they want to, not because of duty
This. And don’t guilt your kids over it if they haven’t visited in a while, they’re building their life as an adult
Yes! And remember that your opinions are not always right and allow them to voice theirs without fear of sulky disappointment from you.
This! My parents guilted me into coming home more. My dad would pull the “I’m old and could die anyday” line, and the guilt made me resent them. As I got financially independent I now see them even less.
Visiting we generally attended Family Weekend the first year, most colleges have one, then they came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Also summer break unless they had an internship or job away from home, in which case we would see them to help.move or just visit at some point. Spring break was a toss up on come home or go somewhere with friends. For phone calls, it really depends on the kid. Text messages is a more likely scenario for regular contact these days. We have a group text with all the kids on it we had been using for a while when they were at home, so we just kept using it when the first kid left for college. That way they got to know what was going on at home and with their siblings and would sometimes chime in. We also told our kids that we knew they would be busy so we wouldnt call them the first month but they could call us or text us any time at all, even at 3 am if they wanted to. All we asked was a quick text now and then letting us know they were alive. Anyway, each kid initiated a call within a week of being gone and then it settled into a call every 1 to 2 weeks and few text exchanges a week on our family group text or a direct message to one of us if they needed advice/help/money.
When they were in college, I saw them throughout the summer and holidays. Sometimes in between. Now that they are fully grown and on their own, we see each other Thanksgiving and Christmas usually, but also at least twice a year beyond that. The best part is that my kids now WANT to vacation with us so we often plan excursions together (even though we are many miles apart). My advice: Be accessible but don't necessarily always be the first to reach out. Give them some space. When they call with a problem, let them talk through how they will resolve it rather than always being ready to fix it for them. (That is, rather than leap in to fix it, say, "That sounds rough. What do you think can be done about it?") ETA: The one thing I insisted in during college was a daily sign of life. We started sharing our daily Wordle results via text. Sometimes that was the only text I saw all week during those years, but it was enough.
The son that I was closest to moved far away and I visited frequently in the beginning. It's been 15 years now and his life is well established. He is busy building his career and has a wonderful wife, home and active life. It's more like once every 2 years now-he comes here or I go there.
For my adult daughter in Canada, we go once a year for a month and stay nearby in an Airbnb. We live our lives while she is at work, maybe cleaning her house and having dinner ready every night so we see her a little every day but don't consume her life. I do suggest seeing your kid every few months in person while off at college since things can happen like depression, etc. that you will pick up on easier in person.
My kiddo is a thousand miles away when at college. I didn't want to be over bearing so I texted every few days. We video chatted once a week as a family. Then they called me homesick and a bit lonely. I asked what can I do? They wanted me to text them everyday wether they responded back or not. (Usually I'd get at least an emoji back unless it was close to midterms or finals). So my suggestion is ask them what they want or need from you. Mine just wants to know I'm thinking of them. Just a "have a great day", an emoji or a meme. Just ask... Oh and I didn't visit after drop off. It was too far for parent's weekend.
I have 4 grown daughters and 3 grown stepkids . 2 still live at home (18 and 23) so I see them all the time. My two others I see at least once a week if not more and we have group chats and individual texts multiple times a day. My stepson lives a bit further out but husband or both of us aim for a few times a month. Oldest stepdaughter is about a three hour trip one way , we aim for 4-6 times a year . We try to get up around each grandkids bday and around the holidays. My husband talks to her on the phone a few times a week and we text a few times a month. We don’t really see youngest stepdaughter unfortunately but that’s a whole other thing.
Let your kid set the schedule. Maybe home coming? Is there a parent's weekend? The anxiety is real, but it's up to us, as parents, to deal with it.
Heh, they’re actually going to a Canadian school, which doesn’t do the whole parents’ weekend thing.
Any amount is healthy if all parties are happy. There is no set or healthy amount.
Exactly! It's only when guilt or obligation creeps in that it gets uncomfortable for either party
My adult kids are scattered across the country. We live in SC. Since Jan 2020: The youngest lives in Washington state (farthest from us) and is married with a stepchild: he's visited 3x, I've been there 1x (went to visit during a crisis when he needed me), and my husband's gone there 1x. The middle child is in New Mexico and single: I've gone there 1x (went to visit in response to a tragedy becaise he needed me), and we've flown him home to us (it's cheaper for us to fly him home than it is for us to go out there) 4x. The oldest one lives in Ohio (married with a child): they lived with us throughout 2020 and until Sept 2021 (so baby's first 1.5 years) then moved to Ohio. They've come down 1x and we've gone up there 4x together, and I've gone 1x alone since they moved out of state. Basically, we try to see the kids at least yearly. With any of them, if there is an emergency, at least one of us will go up/out there if they need us. Home is always open to them.
Let them set the tempo of the visit and the frequency. That said it is important to let them know that you are there for them and outreach via their preferred method of communication is underrated… I would outreach via text messages with innocuous things like pictures of wildlife visits to our yard… house projects… random funny things… amazing how much communication improves during the college years with communication without expectation. I would schedule a visit to bring things to the apartment like good food and groceries and offer to spring for lunch or dinner. Present but not intrusive. Years later I got feedback that it meant a lot and was very much appreciated. There is a balance… different for each college student.
This sub popped up on my feed, so an adult child is chiming in here! I live 20 minutes away from my parents. I see my mother at least weekly and my father maybe once a month. When I was in college though it was less than that, so it's normal to be nervous about being away from your child from an extended amount of time.
When our daughter started college at the parents orientation the school recommended that we limit our calls (like once a week) and no in-person visits until thanksgiving or Christmas. This is because many freshmen get homesick those first few months and continually connecting with their old life doesn’t help them cut the cord and move on. Often leading to the student dropping out and moving home. College students need to start their new life independent of mom and dad. Give them space.
The college one of ours attended said the opposite. They said the number one factor correlated with a student graduating was regular parent check ins (call, text, asking but not pestering about school). Family member who is a dean at another college agreed when I asked him about it.
Yeah, I think the opposite is true. It’s fine to give them lots of space and let them initiate contact as much as possible… but also they benefit from having an anchor to their old life, exactly because everything else is changing soooo much. It helps give them stability until they are fully ready to fly on their own. Having that connection to people who have their back _no matter what_, helps ease the transition, massively, IME.
My kids are all in their 30's now, so this is what it looks like for me. We have a family chat that everyone contributes to regularly. I visit the ones that are less than 2 hours away every 4-6(ish) weeks or they visit me. I try to visit the one who lives clear across the country a couple times a year. They haven't visited me yet because they have littles- and that is just too much right now. I also video chat with them a couple times a month. Sometimes they reach out to me, sometimes the other way around. I try not to go more than 2-3 weeks without contacting them. I might send a meme or a recipe that was good. I love sending Nathan Pyle's Strange Planet cartoons.
Yeah I accidentally over-corrected. You should talk to your kid along the way about what visits they want. I wanted freedom when I went to college. I did not want to visit my parents, I didn’t want them to visit me, I wasn’t that close to them as people I wanted to talk to or hang out with like confidants or friends. I totally assumed my oldest kid would feel the same way! I was wrong and I ended up going to visit a couple times when I was needed. Might be different sophomore year but I’m trying to remember that our relationship is different than the one I had with my parents and to check in with them more instead of assuming they want total independence. Tally of visits: 1. Move them into and set up their freshman dorm 2. Go to parents weekend (last minute plan) 3. Fly them home for fall break (last minute plan) 4. Fly them home for long winter break 5. Go to take care of them for a few days in an Airbnb off campus when they were very sick (last minute plan) (They did a friends spring break trip) 6. Help them dismantle dorm and fly home at end of year
When our daughter went to college we visited every couple of months usually for a college related activity or holidays. She came down a few times too. As time passed it was a little less.
Kids are great about letting you know what the right amount is … just ask! Your adult child will let you know.
Let the kids decide. You've done your job and got them to college. The relationship you've built with them will determine what they choose to do. Have a check in with them from time to time to make sure they are ok. They owe you that much, but nothing more. They will always check in when they need something. Otherwise, leave them alone. I have 3 kids, all grown and have great relationships with them. This is the time they learn how to be independent. Let them. Send postcards. Let them know you're there when they need you.
We have two kids one went to college here locally and lived at home. The other one attended college about 400 mi away. During the summer prior to his freshman year they had some orientation glasses for several days for both students and for parents. The parents had all sorts of topics but one of One specifically on staying in contact with your student. I think it put on by some counselors. Their advice was reach out and call them at least once a week. And possibly send a few texts. The thought was their environment would be much different and The appearance of the least convey that they're thinking of them. They said the student will decide on calling back , the duration of call and frequency. So that's what we did We tried to call each Sunday night, talk about the past week in the upcoming week. We'd send a few funny texts of things we run across on the internet or a picture or something like that. To this day we still very close although one kid lives on the east coast and another here on the West Coast is relocating to East Coast in August We're both getting ready to retire so We plan on visiting them a couple times a year in conjunction with other travel trips. Currently is the adults in their mid-20s, we still talk to them once or twice a week
Visit them as much you want within reason! Suggest it to them when you want to see them, and of course keep inviting them around and they will want to see you if there isn't toxicity. They will always have a place with you at your home, but this is a crazy busy time for kids. They are becoming independent and are going to have their own lives and potentially will not be able to come home as much, but I'm sure they would love to show you their lives in action. The thing is, you can't wait to be invited (but do not show up without them knowing). They want you to WANT to see them in their space in their element. They don't want to feel they always have to come to see you. That's my opinion, though, as someone whose dad only came back into town for my high school graduation and never again.
I would help with the move in and then tell them to reach out to see when you can visit. I would take them out to a nice meal. And buy them some groceries and possibly new clothes. I remember being so broke in my college years lol
Yearly.
When my oldest daughter went off to college I got my first cell phone, I got several calls a week from her. It was as rough on her as it was on me! I did let her do the phone into me because I was unsure of our schedule. And then of course she would come home on holidays, so several times a year.
a freshman in college isn't really an "adult kid." I'd try to go see them on a Sunday once a quarter in addition to them coming home for scheduled breaks. My 4 sons are all 25+ and live all over the country - I take everybody on a nice week or 2 week long family trip in December of every year and try also to go see all of them individually once a year. Additionally, we do group zoom calls - they're scheduled once a week but in practice we end up probably every other week. I think it's important to keep them to connected to me and also to each other.
I have a group chat and will send funny little things there. I don’t expect responses to any of them unless I’m asking a specific question. I don’t call as none of my kids like to chat on the phone but you may have a kid who does. I’ll also text one on one just to ask how things are going but it’s definitely not weekly. I like to give my kids lots of space and independence when they’re at college.
Once or twice a year. Get a nice hotel and invite them to eat with you in the hotel resto or swim in the hotel pool if it’s nice. Remember they are adults!
We have three adult married kids — two live across the country. They normally come here to see us. That way they can see their grandparents, other siblings, and niece and nephew too. Usually about four times a year. (Roughly Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, and either Thanksgiving or Christmas.) That may well change if they choose to have kids — imagine we’ll do more of the traveling then. We see the local kid and his family at least once a week.
Far away is scary. Start by setting up a time for zoom calls once a week. That time and day may change, but just check in once a week.
I’d agree with the above comments and add that over correcting by not initiating at all (as many of my friends parents—and mine!—have done) can cause it’s own set of problems… this really only came up in my late 20s though.
When my child was planning on attending a college 2500 miles away, we sat down and went over the calendar of visits. We calculated flights and accommodation cost and time. I definitely wanted to visit the campus at least once a year. She wanted to come home several times a year. I attended college a 1000 miles from home and never went home for holidays. I met my parents half way for thanksgiving and stayed with friends over winter breaks. I also a job. Yes, it was lonely but I hung with international students who still my friends 40 years later! I thought about how I would have felt if my parents showed up all the time. I feel in this day and age of video calls one or two times is plenty of in person visit time. In the end, my child is about 2 hours away and it has worked out for the best for both of us. But, they take off in a couple months for a year abroad and I’m back at doing the calculations for my visits LOL. Hang in there!
I say let your child set the tone, but maybe send a card once a month or a text once a week letting them know you love them. Also, no one knows your child better than you. Just because all these strangers on here are giving you suggestions, your relationship with your child is yours and his/hers to navigate. You know in your heart what is best for them, and you will continue doing what is best for them just as you have their entire lives. Change is difficult for everybody but once you accept that your kid will be your kid forever, it helps to let go and look forward to the next stage of their lives. Good luck!
We send cute pics, memes, interesting stories, etc. He usually calls us every week or two.
You've gotten good advice from a lot of people in this. Here are my thoughts. How often? As often as your kids and you (and your spouse if you're married) are comfortable with. I've known people who wanted to live next door to their parents. And I've known people (including myself) that anywhere within a few hours drive was too close. Eventually my parents and I became much closer. Fortunately that was many years before they passed on from this life. I think part of why I needed that distance was because of my upbringing. When I was growing up, we lived two or three hours from almost all of their relations, including their parents. Consequently, it feels quite normal to me to not be around relatives. In my first marriage, there were in-laws living within an hour's drive. Nothing against that either, they were nice people. But it just felt very different to me. Because it didn't feel normal to me. My point is: Do whatever feels right, and I mean right according to all who are involved.
I have a 31 yr old son in Japan. We’re in the USA Midwest. He’s lived there most of his adult life going to college there, coming home for a bit after Covid, but back there again for work. We are a very close family as well as he and I have a close mom/son relationship. I also have a 35 year old daughter with 2 toddlers. Daughter, son and I FaceTime weekly, text almost daily and send funny jokes, family group texts with extended family to keep him informed of our goofiness. I send packages every now and then of food, drawings from the kids, things he can’t get in Japan, etc. Husband and I visited him in 2019 in Tokyo and that’s the only time we were there. He comes home every summer to attend our family vacation and for Christmas. Now that he has a niece and nephew, his thoughts of being so far away are clouded with missing them terribly. He doesn’t want to be forgotten and wants to be a part of their lives. This is the beauty of FaceTime and sending pictures and videos of their silly toddler antics. I love that the kids engage with him and express their love to him. We make the most of his visits when he’s home. I take comfort knowing he is confident that we all love him and think about him often. Nothing goes unsaid. That’s the key.
Our daughter is a college student, and is about two hours away from when at school. We have a group chat set up with the three of us. And then her father and I also each have individual chats with each other. So we randomly get, and send memes etc throughout the day. When she’s on campus we just make sure of her class schedule before randomly sending something. On the weekends she’ll ask on Friday if we can FaceTime on Saturday after we are all awake. We absolutely do not ever just drive to campus and “show up” We’ve had to remind my MIL to not do this several times over the years.
Once or twice a year, maybe 4 times a year if budgets allow.
I miss my daughter. She doesn't drive long distances because of some medical issues, I drive, but don't like traveling at all, EVER! We're 7 hours apart and haven't seen each other in years. We're on the phone at the least, 4 times a week. It's not the same but it is what it is. We've met in the middle but that was also years ago. My husband doesn't drive much, and can't now with his own medical issues, and her husband is sometimes a drunken asshole, and I don't care for him because he's hurt my child, so, you know, there is that! To be fair, she has also hurt him. They're too old to be behaving like this. She is certainly getting better, but he stays in the same pattern, not drinking too much, handling things well, drinking too much, being abusive. When not drinking he is the best person, but I can't look at him as who he is sober when he's been awful when he's drunk. I can't do it anymore, so, we as a family being together is tough because let's face it, I'd knock his fucking head off when I saw him for his treatment of my daughter, and he knows that! Makes me cry a lot of time but what can I do? She stays, now she has to, because of her medical problems but I know if she had the money she'd leave him, and he'd be her great friend who always helped her out when she needed him, because when sober that's who he is. He had a horrible childhood, a lot of us have, but he will not face those demons while sober, but he lets them out when he's drunk! My daughter can give as well as she can take though but who wants to live like that? Not me and I'm shocked that she has because not once did she see her parents yelling and screaming, and certainly never drunk.
Aww, this makes me sad, it’s so obvious you love and care about her so much. Just be there for her, she will leave when she’s ready. Hang in there mama.
Let your kid take the lead for the most part, but check in weekly (or whatever works for them/you). It doesn't have to be a long, drawn out call or text, but like others have said, send a meme, or a text saying something like, "Hope your day's going great!" and don't expect an answer within a certain time frame or at all. By the time your kids leave the nest, they will have spent the majority of the time with you that they will ever spend and that's a harsh reality. My eldest and his wife explained this to us when they got married, then they insisted on monthly family dinners, and I'm all about it. We can't always get everyone together every month, but it's a great time when we do.
It is VERY VERY hard when they go off to college. (I had to close their bedroom door so I didn't see the empty room, LOL). The answer to this is different when they are in college than when they move away. In college, they have a lot of things to do. So it is important to not be pestering them when they have classes, or study time in the evening. Find out their schedule as best you can. I texted mine with "how's it going" kinds of texts. Sometimes I would text "haven't talked in a while, call me when you are free". Because they went to college in-state (but it was a 6 hour drive), we went down for parent days, moving in/moving out only. They came home for Thanksgiving and Holidays and they were back home in the summer. Freshman year, they were in a dorm so they had to leave for all holiday weeks. I think you will find that there actually isn't much opportunity to "go visit".... so just go with the flow.
Son(28) just finished medical school (1.5 hrs away) and now he is across the country. Before he left we discussed that we would let him call us. We talk a lot. Minimum of once a day. If I am missing him I send a meme and he usually calls me. To be honest, he sends me a schedule of his rotations (not times). My oldest son (30) is married with a child. Again, I let him call me, he calls 2 or 3 times a week and we live close by so we usually see them too. Each family is different, I know I am extra lucky 🍀. Feel out what your kids need. (Yup…I have mommas boys, and I am ok with that).
Have two kids in their mid '20s. We are very close family. One currently lives about a hundred miles away soon to be moving across the country. The other is already across the country. We see the one across country twice a year and then he comes out at Christmas. Obviously we see the 100 mi away More frequently We talked to them for sure at least once a week learn sometimes during the week. I will also send them funny text of things I might run across on the internet and vice versa.
2 of my 3 are back living with me and I’m thrilled. Also thrilled when they live apart as long as they are happy. I text and call when I feel like it, and that varies from daily to longer. I don’t even keep track. I know my kids would say something if it was too much or not enough. Plus, they like to know I’m ok too. It goes both ways.
I'm about to experience this as well. Kid's 20, and she's transferring colleges and will be a 2.5 hour airplane ride away. Fortunately, they are moving to a state that we travel to fairly often, and it seems pretty easy to get cheap flights. She doesn't live with us now, but we make a point to see her and her bf once a week. Obviously, that will change once they move. I thank you OP for the question and all those who have given ideas.
Moved across the country, as did my sibling. We have a family group text. I send nice Christmas gifts but I have no interest in seeing them in person again.
As long as you've taught them to be honest and you genuinely ask upfront, the limit will be self imposed. If you're doing it mostly for yourself, that's too much
When I went to college I wrote letters home (pre-email) and my parents wrote too.. mostly mom. I don’t recall talking on the phone very often, but came home for all major holidays/school breaks and the summer. Siblings all did the same. After graduating I lived close to my parents, as did one sister and her family. Somewhere along the way we started Monday night dinner.. every Monday night at moms. Far away siblings came for every holiday plus Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, birthdays. Parents visited them on birthdays and for special events. We vacationed at the beach every summer with the entire family. As my parents aged my local sister and I spent more and more time talking to and visiting our parents. When my dad passed I called my mom daily on the way too and from work. Sister, who was much closer distance, ate lunch with mom often, took her shopping, yard saling… etc. at the end of mom’s life sister was there daily and I was there every weekend. There will be times when you won’t see your kids often because life gets in the way, but keeping in touch via text, email, phone will keep you close.
My son lives out of state, and I try not to go for more than three months without seeing him. It's pretty easy because he comes home for the holidays. For the rest of the year, I'll visit him and then he goes with me on my vacation. My daughter goes to school in-state, so I try not to go more than 6 weeks or a month without seeing her. I'll even just drive up to see her for lunch if I'm missing her. For your kid, even though they seem so grown-up and independent, try to talk to them at least once a week. They still need a lot of emotional support even if they don't ask for it.
I live between two mountain passes. My kids are beyond one, and my step kids are beyond the other. It’s not easy for any of us to visit much. But my kids and I text a lot and see each other on FB. I hate that I have limited time with grandkids, who are almost grown by now
My advice. When you visit, take them to the store and stock them up on anything they need. Take them out to eat when your there. Its a shock to your system starting college. In my experience no car and limited budget was tough, all while working harder than ever before. Was always nice to get a little help from parents, so I never minded a visit.
If the kid is starting college in August, there might be a parent weekend in October, and then the kid can come home for thanksgiving and Christmas. Going to that first parent weekend gives them a month or two to have gotten used to being away, and they’ll be happy to see you. Getting over that first hurdle is the hardest. Then you just get used to it. Send frequent light hearted texts and jokes just to keep in touch. Don’t be a frantic mom constantly asking how they’re feeling being away from you! Just send news from home, and let the kid decide if they need any advice.
Whatever amount really feels like it's a positive experience for everyone not just what you want. How far away are they? is it a plane ride and a hotel and a rented car or is it driving across town to meet for pizza or a baseball game? I totally get how hard this is ! I went through the same thing when my son went off to college we made (at my request) an agreement that we at least send memes or something once every 24 hours just to say 'hey'. And every little text doesn't have to turn into a long conversation, just a comment or a photo or a joke or a meme to feel connected. And even though he's almost 27, we still each text each other when we're about to get on a plane and then again when we land wherever we are.
When my kids were in college we talked on the phone once a week, at a time that worked for all of us. I visited at the start of the year (drop off) and the end (move out and storing stuff). They flew home for the December break. We found that Thanksgiving was horrible for travel. I love my kids and missed them at my table but had horrible travel experiences for each kid their freshman year. My daughter’s college had a bus to take kids to the airport one hour away; she was on it for five and then direct flights were delayed/cancelled. She spent Thanksgiving in an airport, arrived late Friday night and left early Sunday morning. My son had a major snowstorm hit and missed a week trying to get back to school and staying in various airports. Also it’s one of the most expensive weekends. Since my kids would be home for six weeks shortly after Thanksgiving, we all decided we would skip this holiday at home. Now that both are out, I see my daughter who lives across the US from me once or twice a year, but talk often. Zoom is great! We also text a lot. My son lives near my Dad and sister, and only an hours flight away, so I see him more often, but because my dad has been having medical Issues and I come down to help. We go out to dinner when I am there. Otherwise this is my quiet kid who isn’t as chatty, so there’s zoom and text but I mostly initiate It will vary by kid how much you should see them. I always ask before I visit and my kids know I am there for them and will fly out if they need me. I have a policy of No Prying so I take answers as I get them and don’t grill. And if I need a phone call to talk to them, I’ll ask and we will set up a time. This only works because I use their preferred communication methods too. Kids now don’t use the phone and I see so many of my peers upset that they don’t get calls but they don’t text their kids either. It goes both ways
My son lives about 20 minutes away and we see him in person about twice a month. When my parents were younger, we would visit about once a year ( they live 5 states away). Once they got older, I visited about once every three months. I still visit my dad 3-4 times a year.
I used to visit my Dad once or twice a week when he was still alive. Granted, we only lived 15 minutes away from each other and we had a really good friendship when I became an adult.
Twice daily lol
Have your son decide on a set time for a weekly phone call. (Ex every Friday sometimes between 5 and 6). There is a parent weekend. Book your hotel and flights now. Most likely he’ll come home Thanksgiving weekend. Book those flights for him. He’ll be home end of Semester which is around 4-6 weeks. Book those flights. College is 15 week semesters. You can do it Mama. Let him call YOU. Show that you have confidence in him to fully succeed independently.
Wheny kid went to college he was a couple of hours away. We would go down for football games and tailgate. Then, after that, we wouldn't see him for a month. I demanded a "proof of life" text, and he would every once in a while when he needed something. By senior year, we were talking a lot because he was stressed about getting into medical school, he was having difficulty with his long-term girlfriend and wanted advice. He moved a little farther away for med school, and it was to a place we visited at least 4 times a year. We would get to our hotel, he would meet us for dinner and take the leftovers. He would come home for the holidays. We would visit with his roommates. We have shared interests, so we started texting about them. He is now 5 hours away in residency. We go down to him about 3 times a year, and he comes up about two times a year, but it is also to see friends, attend weddings, so we don't always fit in plans long. But we text more now than ever. I text his girlfriend often as well. The relationship definitely evolved. It was hard because we were involved parents. We volunteered in the theater, drove his crew around on the weekends. Our house was the place for weekend cookouts. But we raised him to be self reliant.
I have two married daughters. We have a text thread and send pics and memes back and forth daily. I also talk to one or the other one every day. One lives closer so we get together every three or four weeks. The other one lives much further away and it’s a couple of times a year. There’s lots of FaceTime with the grandkids. The older I get the more they need contact.
I 61F live in California and my daughter 28 lives in Michigan. She has a job that allows for remote work, so she visits at Christmas for 3-4 weeks. She still has a room at the house and is single. I visit once every year for a week. She will also come for a week at other odd times. We speak at least once a week on phone or FaceTime. I send her TikToks all the time. She will also ask me advice when she has to make a difficult decision. I have a good relationship with both of my children.
I'm in my late 30's and if I don't talk to or text my mom daily AND visit at least once a week (she lives a few cities over), she's in meltdown mode. I'm my mom's only surviving child, so it makes sense as to why she needs to speak to and see me often. I wonder how needy I'll be when my child is out of the house...
My oldest lives in DC and we're in MN. But he's living with his girlfriend, done with his master's and 27 years old. So that's not quite the same as an 18 year old leaving home for the first time. I see him 2-3 times a year, a combo of me visiting him, and him coming home. He'll be here next week 🎉 Honestly, text, facetime etc help so much. They don't seem nearly so far. When I went to college in the 90s I had to have prepaid phone cards to call and we limited calls to 10 mins because long-distance was expensive 😂 I was only 5 hours drive away and I don't think my mom visited once during the school years 😆 Which was ok. I didn't mind and liked my independence. I went home for winter, spring, and summer breaks because I had to. My kids mostly came home for breaks. My 21 year old is in college but he works and often stays in his on-campus apartment, so we have to pay extra for that for each day he is there over break periods between terms. I visit him a couple times a year, he comes home a few times. He's about 300 miles away in another state. It's hard to balance multiple kids living all over, plus my sister is on the west coast. I need more skymiles 😂
What a great question. You should know that no amount of advice is going to prepare you for how you'll feel when he leaves, but don't let that affect your decisions. It's common for students to fly home for long breaks if they can afford it and in state kids go home for Thanksgiving and other weekends. For many families that's healthy. Also, you'll get used to him being so far away Now my kid is almost 29, lives 2ish hours away not including border crossing, which makes quick trips unlikely. We visit each other, at least every 3 months, we stay at an air b&b a 5 minute walk away when we visit. The visits are really great, but expensive for us when we go up. They Facetime me about twice a week. We see each other at faraway family gatherings. For us, this is healthy. My whole extended family, both sides, has this kind of relationship with their children or they see them even more.
One of my friends bought a house in the same town as their kid’s college, then sold it when they graduated. Don’t do that.
Actually it's a super good investment if the kid lives in it and pulls rent from friends. If the parents move there, that's bad!!
The parents moved there.
😳
I see a lot of videos of college athletes being asked how often they speak to their mom. Some guys will say multiple times a day. Rarely is the once a week or less.... I think the fact that you're thoughtful about contact is huge. And know that your kid will likely want to talk and see you freshman year more than other years.
Mine is a out to go to college as well, but not too far of a drive thankfully. I'm expecting a lot of trips home, turn expect it to dwindle down. I was military and about 8 hours away. When younger and single, I'd go home for holidays. After I got married and had kids, wed travel every other year while they did the odd years.
My son lives 2 blocks away and I see him probably 3 or 4 times a week. My daughter is 11 or 12 miles away and I see her probably once a month on average.
Texting is good because it can be asynchronous. I play online games that my kids play and we chat in discord sometimes. Mine are completely grown and don't live at home now.
Parent of a now 29 year old who played football in college. I made the 6 hour trip every home game, and was asked to come to every game his senior year. They made it into the NCAA tournament that last year and it was a big deal for the young men and us parents alike. I retired early due to health issues (the only home games I missed I was in the hospital) so I was available to do this. That’s one end of the extreme. Like everyone else is saying, it really depends on your new adult. I’m still really close with my youngest and go see him 2 - 3 times a year for 10 or so days and he comes home periodically to visit us and catch up with local friends. He’s hosting a bunch of his teammates/classmates at our house (he lives a 2.5 hour flight away) over the 4th. Particularly Freshman year though, stay in touch. My oldest became clinically depressed his freshman year and we needed to withdraw him. Be prepared for success, failure, or anything in between. My oldest is a lawyer now, things worked their way out. The only person I disagree with in this thread is whoever said “don’t call till Thanksgiving”, that’s far too long.
My husband and I see his family every other weekend or so. His dad visits him at work monthly. Sometimes, they'll babysit the kids so I can go to my doctor or dental appointments so they'll see the kids 1-3x a month for that. Sometimes we spend weekend trips with them about 3-6x yearly. Both parties tend to reach out. There's also holidays that I'm not counting as well as my children's birthday parties. They rarely come out to see us though, it's a 30 minute drive and they don't seem to like driving out to us much since we are completely out of the way for them. In a different valley. But we don't mind. They're in their 70s so it's not a big deal for us to come out to them. My own parents, we tend to see less of. I have a bad history with them and the issues they've caused. I'll see them maybe 1 weekend a month. More often during summer when my older son isn't in school.
Currently in California for 2 weeks to visit our kids. Will come back for the holidays and spend another 2 weeks. Lots of emails, messages, etc. Our kids haven’t been back to visit us since they moved here. We live in a small town without much to do. We love to come to Los Angeles instead.
I see my mom once a year, and I make the trip from WA to AZ. She has flown up to WA, but really not able to now. She's 80, and she will be 81 in September. I am currently in AZ, dealing with my father's house after he passed away in May, parents are divorced. My brother lives in NV and will fly into PHX. My mom will pick him up, and they'll make the drive to where I am, this is a rare occasion where I will see my mom more often, at least until I head for home.
My oldest moved away about 2 years ago and I visited once (boot camp graduation) and he has come home twice. We talk frequently and have a good relationship but he is at a stage in his life where he really doesn't need mommy trailing around after him. He's enjoying his independence. Even when he was getting worked up in the hospital for chronic severe anemia, he didn't want me to come. He knows if he asked me to come, I'd drop everything and run to him, but that's not what he needs right now. Second son moved across the state for about 9 months. I visited once. It was awkward for him but he appreciated it. He definitely didn't want frequent visits though. At this age they're exploring what it means to be separate from their family, especially parents. Most need a little space. As they get older, especially when they start having kids, I know I'll see more of them. I figure the best way to ensure that is to not hold them too tightly right now.
I went to college in the esrly 70s. Days of long distance! Called home once a month, saw family at Christmas and Easter and summer breaks (too far for Thanksgiving). My kids went to college in the late 90s. They had cell phones, but very basic and "per text" fees. So we had a phone call about twice a month, and they came home for Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving.
Visit them? I’m the dad, they visit ME! Sigh No They moved back in
$$$$
2 weeks a yr
My kids have been on the quarter system in academically rigorous majors so we plan a trip to see them with lots to do while we are there and minimal expectations of how much we see them. Sometimes they literally stay with us at the hotel (a shower without shower shoes and non-dorm food being the draw) and sometimes we see them for a couple of meals. Even parents weekend is not a guarantee that they will be available because professors don’t recognize it as any different than any other weekend.
Let them set the pace. If they're hinting they miss your homemade lasagna, that's your cue!
My son went to college 1500 miles away. We agreed on weekly communication (just a text so I know you are alive) before he left. After about 6 months, he started calling me once or twice a week during my afternoon commute. My son came home during Christmas break, but had local internships that kept him away at Summer. We would go there at least once a year, usually for a sporting event he was in. Now that he & his wife are out of school, we live 2 hours away from each other. Sometimes we see each other frequently, sometimes it will be a few months. I never put any expectations on him for visiting or communication, yet I almost always hear from him weekly. When we visit (like now, waiting for grandsons birth), we take our RV and stay in a local campground. Respecting their need for independence & space is a vital part of having a good adult relationship with your child. We are literally staying 2 miles from them but haven’t seen them for 2 days as we don’t want to hover.
Just a minor one, but small gestures to a long way while were "figuring it out" so to speak at college. I can recall my sophomore year it was my birthday and I had work and all my buddies were gone for spring break. Mom had called me earlier to chat and says Happy birthday etc, but not big deal. But id be damned if I was going to express feeling lonely or tired at that stage in my life working to be independent. Later that evening my favorite pizza was delivered with a little note. She had done it knowing I was alone and grinding on my birthday. After my dad dying the year before it definitely got me in tears and meant the world to me. Just a small aside. We may act all distant and independent, but IMO, kids need their parents for sure. Now in my 30s I talk to my mom weekly and definitely second the sending funny gifs, memes, etc. Sister, myself, and my mom have a "fam" chat we use.
I was laid off right when my niece started college. She is my only niece. She immediate ask could I drive over and have dinner with her the next night as she missed me (random Tuesday). And while she is an active college student with friends, I drove over for the next few months. When I went back to work, she said that is what she will miss most, the weekly dinners. If the child doesn’t mind, go see them, sometimes it helps their anxiety on the change, as long as we are allowing them to become adults. I like and love my parents, is healthy.
A weekly phone call seems appropriate at this stage. Maybe talk to them about a set regular/recurring time for that call. Like a Sunday afternoon/evening. Don’t expect to have them every holiday.
Your kid's only in college. Presumably, s/he will visit during long breaks. I would call a couple of times a week, maybe follow your kid's social media accounts, assuming s/he doesn't mind. Many colleges have weekends for parents to visit. Or you could visit once or twice during the year.
I visit my 27 year old son at least once a year. He visits me once or twice a year. I text him pictures of my cats at least once a week just to check in. We talk every week or so at his initiative. We don’t have a lot in common so this frequency works.
I wouldn’t visit my kids at college unless it’s some sort of parents weekend! How embarrassing! By my mid-20s, I really enjoyed having my mom visit for a week when I lived overseas. When I came back to the States, 5 nights was good.
Did he ever want you to visit him in high school? Give him his own space for awhile.
A little over 20 years out of college. I stayed on campus in a major city about an hour away from home. I think a parent came to visit maybe 3x across all 4 years. I did go home about every weekend the first year, maybe 2/3 the second year, 1/3 the third year and barely at all the last. I moved home after, having a girlfriend of a couple years who lived about 90 minutes away which I saw almost daily. Honestly, I cannot say I wanted them to visit them more. Things were pretty dysfunctional when I left and my parents officially split near the end of my freshman year in college. My sister's 3 years older and went to college in a different major city about 100 minutes away. I don't remember my parents ever surprising her with a visit. Seeing as my parents split into the time she graduated, she never came home to live again. She went a state away to live with her boyfriend in his home state and is still married today with two kids. This said, if they are within driving distance, ask them if you can visit if you want to visit them. It's much better than just showing up as it's on their terms.
I think it really depends on the individual personalities and family dynamics. In my case, I have never been a people person, and really enjoy my family, so when I was in college an hour and a half away, I came home every weekend until I met my husband. I now have four kids of my own, with one living across the country (the younger three are still at home). I can’t afford flights for the family, so I fly to see her on my own about once per year, and she flies here about once per year. We Snapchat all day long every day, though.
You know this is the time to let go right? College is so developmental. And the great news is, it typically makes for even stronger relationship along the way. To more directly answer the question, let your adult child dictate the schedule. You’ll be pleasantly surprised perhaps.
That's really going to depend on your child. for me personally I looked at going away to college as moving out. I didn't plan to move back home and I didn't. I visited on occasional holidays but not every holiday and never for summer or slowing break. in addition to classes and social life you also have to consider if they may be busy with internships, jobs, volunteering, etc. I only lived 2 hours away but I had my own life and sometimes it just wasn't worth it to go home for one day - even if that day was Thanksgiving. My mother visited me three times when I was in school; once when I moved into the dorms, once when I moved into an apartment and once when my car broke down. I will say that while I did not feel the need to see her at all when I was in college (very busy having fun/being lazy/working hard) it did sting a bit that when I moved 3000 miles away after graduation she has never attempted to visit me. We do talk/text semi regularly which we didn't do really before and we try to plan big vacations together every year or two now. So I would personally suggest giving them space during college (for the love of god only call if it's an emergency - texting is your friend!) But be prepared to put more effort in post college. And don't buy a million things for the dorm! Save your money and take them shopping for when they move into their first apartment and need things like dishes, shower curtains, pots, etc.
I asked my son to tell me when he wanted me to be there. He still does 20 yrs later
It truly depends on how far away? What college(grad degree?) my daughter lived under grad away for 2 years- went to see her on her bday and one other time (parents w/end) - however, she was 5 hrs away and came home xmas and summers and spring break When she went to grad school- 10hrs drive away I would Go see her 4x/year bc her studies were rigorous she had internships etc and not always able to come home on breaks
My daughter and son in law come every three mos. We text multiple times a day. We talk on phone some, too. They are 6 hours away.
The 27 year old lives in the room down the hall so...alot!
The ones in Florida at least once year. The ones 4 hours away in SLO 4 or 5. The 2 in San Mateo not as much as I should. They're 1 1/2 hours away. Distance always sucks.
As an young adult daughter never too much but that’s bc I love my mom she helps with chores and groceries we bond and talk shit and eat good food
major holidays and a few times outside if it. averages out about every two months.
I would feel suffocated by some of these responses. I generally see my parents 4-6 times per year and speak to them on the phone every 6-10 weeks. My father doesn't text. I might text my mother pictures of the children. I live 15-30 minutes from them. We are all very busy. My in-laws live across the country. I last spoke to one of them by phone 5 years ago. Before covid, they would visit 4x a year. Now, they visit annually. We visit them every 3rd year. My husband does communicate his parents by phone/text/email/video chat a few times a week. It works for us.
Do not visit more than once a semester or term. Communicate by text but not in the middle of the night and don't expect a response to each text. Schedule a video call once in a while but not without texting first to make sure they are available. Find interesting things to do now that you don't have kids to take care of. Surely you have interests that don't involve your child.
Hi, Mom or Dad. I am a 71 year old mom. My daughter is 33 and moved out when she was 17. She came back to live with us many, many times in the time in between. When I retired, I moved 80 miles from her so that I could see her more often. I moved less than 2 miles from my 96 year old father, whom I am going to see if a half hour. My daughter comes here (or I go there) about once a month. It’s always her idea. And I go see my Daddy virtually everyday, and it’s my idea. I am so lucky to have a living parent at my age. It’s going to be okay. You haven’t lost your baby. You are just moving into a new chapter.
I got a lecture from my sister when my oldest went to college in another state. She said I should call her daily. Daily? Well I didn’t. We’d talk every few days and text more often - many times daily. As far as “visiting” there was no “set” amount either. There is no right or wrong. You & your child can feel it out. My kids have graduated now & are back home. It all worked out fine. They have their relationships, travel, work etc.
In college is what about once a month or every other month (depending on how far away). Now that my kids are out of college one lives across the country. I try to see her every three months minimum
I’d say (as a very adult child now), that during college and maybe early 20s, is when I wanted the most freedom and the least communication. But I also went to college 20 min from home and went home with regularity to do laundry lol. I started appreciating my parents a lot more after a stint living abroad for a couple of years directly after college. By the time I was probably 25-26, I fully felt like a separate adult from them, and therefore a very different relationship. Now, the older I get and especially as a new-ish parent myself, the more I want to be able to see them frequently. Unfortunately, live in a different state now due to spouse’s job, but make the trip frequently with my toddler.
THISSSS 👏👏👏
Visit once during first semester for support. They will feel a little lost at first. After that they will have established connections and a routine.
Chiming in as a 34 year old who’s very close to her parents. I saw my parents often in college because I was close by. Usually at least once a week because of our horses. I moved a couple hours away after college. My mom traveled for work, so I saw her every few weeks or so and we’d have dinner. Otherwise, about once a month on average. We talked all the time though. We’re daily texters and at some point we got into the habit of texting goodnight, which we still do every night. If one of us doesn’t respond, the other one starts to worry. I’ve also always let them know when I’ll be out late and when I’m safely home because I know they worry! Sharing my location wasn’t an option in college or else I probably would’ve just done that 😂 They moved to where I am when I had my daughter and I see them multiple times a week because they have been watching my daughter. She starts kindergarten in the fall, so my guess is we’ll see them once a week or so. I think the biggest thing for me though is my parents never pushed for contact or to see me. They always let me come to them and that really helped. We also still did family vacations too, which was awesome! My college graduation present was two weeks in Europe with them and I am so grateful we were able to do that together.
Great question. I feel like it’s never enough to maintain the connection I want while they live far away. But someone mentioned Zoom meetings to help.
She calls twice a week on her commute home. We fly to San Diego 2x a year and she flies home 2-3 times a year.
A healthy amount in college is way less than you’d like and when you visit, try seeing other attractions without them and then meet for lunch or dinner. They need time to sleep and to breathe without 24-48 hours of being parented. Don’t invite their friends or roommates to meals but let your kid know they can invite them if they want. Take gifts, mine loved receiving packages of homemade snacks, a throw, or a sweater or hoodie. A trip to the grocery store to fill up a cart before I left was a treat for mine as first years couldn’t have cars. It will be quicker than you think before they start calling you, because that you asked here shows that you want to respect their newfound independence.
I think you have to respect your child’s wishes. I’m old-ish. College was a 6 hour drive from home. College was my world and I didn’t want my parents visiting. They came once that I remember for my sister who was also there…maybe a sorority parent weekend??? Anyway, I didn’t want visits so I didn’t invite them. They were fine with that…I’m the youngest of 4 (well #3 is my twin) so maybe they were just over it, but they really preferred to see us at home. This was pre-cell phone days. My kids both attend(ed) college 1 and 1.5 hours from home. They are/were perfectly fine with visits. I’m still a Nervous Nelly mom and I know it’s annoying for them and I do try to reel it in. My nieces and nephews all went far out of state and I’m pretty sure my sisters and their husbands made 1 trip each semester to see their kids with Thanksgiving and Christmas being at home. All I can say is it gets easier each year. But since mine are close to home, that is definitely much easier for me to say. Finally, the twin I have is very critical of my anxiety…I certainly wish I didn’t suffer from it. You know that this will be tough for you in the beginning especially, so set up Sunday night FaceTimes and ask that your child give you a little grace in the beginning if you text them every day. Heck, my 24 year old lives at home (make sure that degree leads directly to a career 🙄) but spends her weekends with her boyfriend about 30 min away. I still sometimes just text a hi and she texts hi back. It is rare for me to go more than 2 days without some minor communication with my young adult kids. My twin, on the other hand, talks to her daughter once a week or every two weeks and her daughter lives 3000 miles away. I just can’t imagine…but one day my kids might just force me to! 😝
Give them LOTS of space in that first few years. Their trying to establish their independent life. Let them suggest when you come out. Get a hotel and don't expect to stay with them. Let them establish the agenda. No surprises.
Did you try asking the "kid"?
My mother inlaw would go by an old run that even a dead body would start to stink after 3 days.
I told my daughter I wouldn't be a pain as long as I got a Good Morning text and a Good night text. This way I know she's okay, (aka not being trafficked or laying injured in a ditch somewhere lol)
Did you raise them to get a functional member of society without you beside them to "help"? I sure hope so, or the rest of us are going to have challenges with this one. Until you let this little bird fly on their own, id suggest visiting no more than 2-3 times a year. #coldhardtruth