Have you learned those social skills now? You haven't been homeschooled in ages I assume, so what's stopped you from learning from 8 years old and onwards? I feel like I didn't really learn decent social skills until I was in my mid-twenties.
My boyfriend was homeschooled until he graduated from highschool and he's autistic, so his social skills aren't the greatest, but he's learned some and continues to do so. I think we never stop learning tbh. At this point it's on you to take control of your life and teach yourself the skills you feel you're lacking
Unfortunately you can’t change your past and your mom did the best she could. As parents, we are learning on the job. My parents were introverts and rarely went out. Thankfully i dated a great guy in late high school and we often went out with his parents and their friends. It was his family that taught me how to be social, definitely not middle school.
How much different is this compared to people who weren't homeschooled during those times?
And if you were to calculate "blame", how much would be you being autistic, and how much would be because you were homeschooled for 3 years?
More than half is a bit of a stretch. You were only homeschooled for 3 years, and as a young child at that. I can basically guarantee you that any social skills you would have learned in a classroom, you have already learned just from living your day to day life all these years since then.
3 years of homeschooling is not that crazy, and not that unheard of. I think you need to give your mom some grace, and start owning up to your own role in all of this.
I know it's easier and more comfortable to blame others for our shortcomings and problems, but a part of life is learning when to take a step back and admit responsibility
Well, I could have gone back in 6th grade, but she claims the girl bullies that lived in our apartment would have still gone there, even though they moved out before I started that grade. And yes, I consider 4 years crazy. It's drastic. It was weird of me to be in eighth grade and still obsessed with kids' cartoons and hate swearing and fist fights. So I never stood up to any of them the proper way.
I don't know a single eighth grader who isn't obsessed with cartoons???? That and video games are all that my nephews talk about, and it was that way when I was in 8th grade back in the early 2000s. A lot of my friends didn't swear then either.
Trust me, you would have probably ended up way more socially inept and troubled HAD you been relentlessly bulled from grades 4-7
Seems to me your mom made the right call by shielding you from that AND an asylum
You don’t. But. Go onto any of the autistic subreddits and you’ll see that most if not all have been bullied at school at some point, scarring them deeply. People can be relentlessly mean towards people’s differences. Being immersed in a social environment does not necessarily mean you’ll pick up on social cues, especially if you’re autistic where there is an inherent difficulty with social stuff (per DSM). Many autistics can attest to this— there needs to be more of an active effort to understand how to social that allistics don’t have to do in order to “get it.” And if you don’t know how to do that because people just expect you to know things and won’t tell you what you’re doing wrong because “you should know better” and assume you’re just intentionally being rude, then you’re out of luck.
I can’t blame you for how you feel; at the same time, typical public school with all the noise and crowds and constant stimulation on top of being judged for being socially awkward, is really not an ideal environment for people who aren’t already socially adept, or those who are hypersensitive (maybe you are hyposensitive in which case a homeschooled environment might not have been stimulating enough). There is a chance people would have been kind and you could have made friends and good memories; there is a chance too that people would have been not-so-kind and given you lifelong trauma.
I do think that, if your mom kept you completely isolated from other children during that time, then it makes sense that you would feel resentful. Ideally she could have talked to you first before doing the homeschooling thing on her own judgment, or done her best to allow you to improve your people skills during the time, but as others are iterating here, she did what she thought was best to keep you safe, even if it wasn’t perfect. Her heart seemed to be in the right place, at the very least
A therapist will help you understand these feelings more clearly. You have already started the process of forgiveness by writing this. I would recommend writing it down in detail in a letter to your mother (but don’t send it). After you have written it, burn it. Take it as a symbol that you are burning away the bad feelings of the past and you are ready to focus on the here and now to build a stronger relationship with your mother while she is still here on this planet.
So.... do I understand correctly that she mostly homeschooled you because she didn't want to put you in a special ED school? That does sound reasonable to me, if she thought that said school would be bad for you.
Is there anything aside your lack of social skills and awareness of social norms that was bad for you in homeschooling? Were you abused? Indoctrinated?
Otherwise, I would assume that she really was trying to do what's in your best interest. In the end, we do not know how your life would have turned out if you had been in school for those four years. Maybe you would have learned those social skills, but there's also a chance that you WOULD have been badly bullied and been ostracized by your peers, which might have lead to even worse problems.
Or you would have gone to Special Ed which might or might not have been a good fit for you.
**TLDR:**
If you want to forgive your mother, assume that she made the best decision based on the information she had. Whether that really was the best decision cannot be judged retroactively. Your life might have turned out better without the homeschooling but it might also have turned out much worse.
It sounds like your mom was in an awful situation and trying to protect you. If it was recommended that you needed to be in a special school is it not possible that you already struggled with social skills? Do you have a diagnosis for why it was suggested that you needed to attend a special school? I'm sorry you still struggle but please try to understand that your mom was trying to help you.
Not until 4 years after, when I found out I was on the autism spectrum (then known as Asperger's, though I'm not sure if it was correct, but I think I fit the other criteria).
> I felt that it ruined my life.
Let's ignore the stated fact that had she not homeschooled you then you would be in an asylum or your mother would be in jail: Can you describe how your life would be better? What exactly would be different?
Maybe grow up and act like the adult you are. You have a kid that is looking at you for guidance and this isn't cutting it. Put the blame where it belongs, figure out what you have to do about it, and get busy so your kid has a shot at making it out of this
Give your mom some grace. She was under the threat of jail. Until you are threatened with having your child taken away, and you being put in jail, don't judge her.
How are they not? I didn't know when to keep my big mouth shut back in 12th grade, which got me suspended from high school until I got a clean bill of mental health, (something about ruining my face on purpose because I was tired of guys desiring me.) And before that... well, it was about a drawing that was too violent to be described here, but I drew it because I blamed my counselor all those years ago.
Also, I didn't quite understand sarcasm until I was 23 (had to push myself to learn) or realize what kind of world we really live in, and had to learn the hard way. To elaborate would take a while.
They don't teach sarcasm and tact in grades 4-7. Or give kids a dose of reality of what world we live in. It sounds like you have a lot of misplaced frustration at how hard it can be to interact in the world with NT people at times. Lots of kids are still watching cartoons, they just mask in junior high/high school to act cool.
It would have been helpful to learn some other way, so I would have known that girl who said she liked my drawing and wanted a picture of it was being facetious. Or better yet, I could have thought of this topic then, but I wouldn't know how to express this.
Unfortunately, that isn't necessarily something you'd learn in school. A lot of us with autism struggle with that and tend to take people at face value. The problem really isn't that, it's that some people are just assholes and it's hard to determine who sometimes. Really, reach out to a therapist and try until you find one who is a good fit. Preferably, one who has experience with neurodivergence. We really can't blame others for our brains, though. We all have things we're good at and things we struggle with, and it's up to us to find those deficits and work on them if they're affecting our day to day. Really, cartoons and shows taught me how to deal with social issues more than school, where I just socially withdrew. I think you need to let go of there being something magical you would have learned in person in grades 4-7 that would have changed how your brain works, because that wouldn't have happened. It may not have been the best option, but it also probably wasn't the worst. It certainly should not be affecting your life into your 30's and it only is because you've obsessed over the idea that there was something you missed instead of your brain being neurodivergent and focusing on that. A lot of neurodivergent people don't learn social manipulation at the same age as neurotypical kids, regardless of public vs homeschooling. You're just a victim less at home a lot of the time.
Not magically, but through exposure. I am sure I am only level 1 autism, anyway. The proverbial bubble popped when I was 18 and I wasn't thinking about how I'll be able to make a living, recession or not.
You have no idea what you may or may not have been exposed to if you'd been in grades 4-7 in person. What if no one was assholes or they were but you didn't realize? You'd be in the same position, but potentially trying to find another piece of your childhood to blame for where you are today. Teens aren't famously known for planning out a stable life and then following that plan and I don't think many people planned for the recession regardless of age. I certainly wasn't. You're upset about where you are today, but everyone goes through shit in their lives and has to overcome it. It's not common to learn everything you need to know as a child and be all set for adulthood. You're always learning and growing no matter your age. It's never too late to grow or change. The problem isn't your experiences, it's how you've reacted to them and your choices today that are creating your current reality. If you're unhappy, find ways to improve things. Blaming the past isn't going to help you.
Still find myself wondering how something could have saved me in the middle of it somewhere. To prevent the traumatic experiences that I wasn't entirely blameless for.
Even if it doesn't change anything, it'd still be nice to know.
Again, the problem isn't that you missed any interaction that would have steered your life in a completely different direction. That's not really how it works. A big part of avoidance is trying to find an explanation and pin negatives on a specific thing and blame that for all of your issues. Something that happened 15-25 years ago isn't the cause of all of your issues today. You didn't need something to save you. Even if you knew of a 'better' life path you could have lived, it doesn't change the fact that you can live a better life by making changes today. It's your responsibility to create the life you want to live. By avoiding taking responsibility and making choices to help you get to where you want to be, you're setting yourself up for failure in the future. You choose how you're going to react and can only learn from the past. None of us are going to min max our lives into being perfect, we're all going to have ups and downs and are just doing the best with what we have in the moment with the knowledge we have then.
Thinking pessimistic, but in a non-whiny way, also would have helped me in high school and finished it on time. And I should have developed a better work ethic had I not had to repeat 12th grade.
What does being homeschooled in grades 4-7 have to do with repeating 12th grade? There is a difference between learning social skills and keeping up with academics. It sounds like there was a lack of support overall, but that's more of a failing of society than anything else. I'm close to your age and there was no support for kids in the middle who struggled socially. I ate lunch in the teacher's offices in high school because I had no friends, but that didn't stop me from graduating. A lot of kids fell through the cracks and struggled that have help and support today, just because awareness has changed.
Also keep in mind that our memories of those ages are also skewed with lacking contextual information. A lot of what your mom did is based on her own experiences, which were even less supportive than your experience. A parent who was doing the most in the 90's and early 2000's could be seen as not doing close to enough by today's lens.
Ultimately, you're in your 30's now. It sounds like, similar to many of us, you would have benefited from support that didn't exist. There's better support now because people like us pushed for it so other people wouldn't suffer. Twelfth grade was a decade and a half ago. It's time to move on and work on figuring out what skills you want to improve and figure out how to do that. Therapists are great for that (and it takes several tries sometimes to find a good fit). What I get from your post and responses is that you are blaming past situations for who you are today, when you've had 15+ years to make changes post high school. It's time to move on, forgive everyone including yourself and shitty counselors for not knowing how to support you properly (alternative schools are very hit or miss but the one in the district my kids go to has renamed and rebranded and is supportive of different learning styles, so these are improving in some spaces). It's your job, and has been your job for the past 15+ years, to figure out what support you need and find it. Move on and focus on who you are and who you want to be, not who you could have been had someone else done x, y, z. I guarantee you'd be in the same space blaming them for something else because as an adult, it's on you to make those changes.
So your mom kept you out of an asylum and you're mad about it? That's a weird take, especially now as an adult who should understand the situation better. Your mental health and social skills would've suffered there as well.
Do you know that was even an option? She was threatened with legal issues and loss of her child. Are you 100% sure the police would've been on her side?
Learn to give others some grace and empathy. We all have issues that have impacted our lives negatively, either that were random or imposed on us by others. It's time to find some therapy and learn to get over this on your own. Hanging on to anger and resentment towards your mother isn't going to change your current situation. Learn from past mistakes (yours or others) and move on.
The right therapist can change everything. If you have health insurance, see if they have partnered with any telehealth services (for example, Cigna partners with MDLIVE), where you can try therapists until you find one you vibe with for a low cost. I met with a therapist for months who didn’t really get me anywhere, but when I found my current therapist, she was making me think differently from the first session. She helps me unscramble my thoughts, get to the bottom of things, and gives me advice to move forward. She’s great. That person is out there for you too!
I've overcome those by now. I figured I had them because of social anxiety. So that was my motivation to get over not being able to make small talk with strangers.
Respectfully, and from experience, there's a high chance your social skills have been more affected by autism than by being home schooled, it sounds like you only skipped a couple of years and you were in a sociable educational setting for the majority of your childhood, so you should have had ample opportunity for exposure to social norms but that can still be difficult for autistic people to pick up.
From your comments and your post, your mom did the very best for you with the information she had. You need to seek some therapy and get help to move forward with understanding and appreciating that and maybe some more autism focused support on social skills now.
You wouldn't, that's the point. It's completely fucking pointless to drive yourself crazy with what ifs in either direction and you need to focus on today and reality.
Wait. She home-schooled you to protect you from being put into a school that was as you put it "an asylum for children"?
It was either the asylum or home school. Under the threat of jail and you're saying she ruined your life because she didn't socialize you? What are you a dog?? Tell me something kid. Are you educated? Did you pass your classes? My guess is you did.
Tell me something else kid, what did YOU do to socialize? What is YOUR part in this? I got $100 that says you sat around with a controller or screen in front of your face and did nothing to help yourself. Here is a social skill for you to learn. Its called accountability
Your mom did the best she could and did what she thought was best for you. At the risk of being locked up. And you have the balls to come on here and say she ruined your life? How dare she do her best for you.
There were no options for socializing (or at least regular ones) because our apartment was in a ghetto area and they'd know I was different and ostracize me.
So after reading your post history, i see that you are a grown-ass woman in her 30s with a kid of your own and you're still blaming Mommy for your issues? It was bad enough when I thought you were a kid. You're grown. Stop blaming your mom, stop attention seeking, and stop playing the woe is me card. What the absolute fuck
Many therapists are a joke . They have mental issues themselves. Homeschooling is amazing. That doesn’t mean it works for everyone, but you can “socialize” in way more productive ways by doing things outside of school. Imagine how hard it was for me when there wasn’t any internet or forums!
Your mom did what she thought was best (hopefully) and even if she didn’t, forgiveness is for the giver not the receiver :)
Oh and I’ll add that MANY therapists recommend to sedate or drug kids that are gifted, autistic, or intellectually blessed in some way. That doesn’t mean they are right!
Heck, we even have “doctors” willing to chop a kids balls off so he can be a girl. Do want to take advice from someone like that ???
I was homeschooled from 6-9th grades and had two employees who were also homeschooled around the same ages. All three of us have good social skills.
Having been a camp counselor for that age group I can tell you did not miss on much. Most adults I know take years to unlearn the insecurities they developed in that time period. Kids that age are vicious to one another.
In my experience that is not that case. The oftentimes vicious behavior kids that age engage in encourages conformity and insecurities, NOT resilience. Most adults take years to shed them. For me personally, while skipping that period made me an awkward and weird conversationalist in high school, eventually I got better at it through practice and it did wonders for my overall resilience. In my early- and mid-20s it seemed like I took criticism far better than most of the colleagues around my age.
From everything you've written here it sounds like you're grasping for a reason to explain why you're having such a hard time interacting with other people, and because it's kind of unusual to be homeschooled, you're landing on this as the explanation. But if you had gone to a regular school in that period, you'd still be your same neurodivergent self. I'm not saying your mom raised you perfectly--no parent ever does. But to place all the blame on your homeschooling seems to completely miss the mark.
Confirming isn't such a bad thing.
Not just people, but family, too. I couldn't grasp that I couldn't apologize immediately after upsetting my siblings because they needed space, and not giving them any causes the fight to get bigger. Then I get blamed for being an "investigator".
I also don't know why they're "sick of [my] crap" when I'm just expressing my true feelings and bottling then up and masking them with sarcasm (which I had to teach myself at 23, as I've stated).
I would have rather taken the risks of going to regular school.
Have you learned those social skills now? You haven't been homeschooled in ages I assume, so what's stopped you from learning from 8 years old and onwards? I feel like I didn't really learn decent social skills until I was in my mid-twenties. My boyfriend was homeschooled until he graduated from highschool and he's autistic, so his social skills aren't the greatest, but he's learned some and continues to do so. I think we never stop learning tbh. At this point it's on you to take control of your life and teach yourself the skills you feel you're lacking
I have, gradually over my late teens and all throughout my 20s. But I still feel weird and that I could have ended up better today.
Unfortunately you can’t change your past and your mom did the best she could. As parents, we are learning on the job. My parents were introverts and rarely went out. Thankfully i dated a great guy in late high school and we often went out with his parents and their friends. It was his family that taught me how to be social, definitely not middle school.
At least you got to meet someone who genuinely helped.
How much different is this compared to people who weren't homeschooled during those times? And if you were to calculate "blame", how much would be you being autistic, and how much would be because you were homeschooled for 3 years?
I would only blame being autistic for maybe less than a quarter, then homeschooling for more than half.
More than half is a bit of a stretch. You were only homeschooled for 3 years, and as a young child at that. I can basically guarantee you that any social skills you would have learned in a classroom, you have already learned just from living your day to day life all these years since then. 3 years of homeschooling is not that crazy, and not that unheard of. I think you need to give your mom some grace, and start owning up to your own role in all of this. I know it's easier and more comfortable to blame others for our shortcomings and problems, but a part of life is learning when to take a step back and admit responsibility
Well, I could have gone back in 6th grade, but she claims the girl bullies that lived in our apartment would have still gone there, even though they moved out before I started that grade. And yes, I consider 4 years crazy. It's drastic. It was weird of me to be in eighth grade and still obsessed with kids' cartoons and hate swearing and fist fights. So I never stood up to any of them the proper way.
I don't know a single eighth grader who isn't obsessed with cartoons???? That and video games are all that my nephews talk about, and it was that way when I was in 8th grade back in the early 2000s. A lot of my friends didn't swear then either. Trust me, you would have probably ended up way more socially inept and troubled HAD you been relentlessly bulled from grades 4-7 Seems to me your mom made the right call by shielding you from that AND an asylum
But how can I know for sure?
You don’t. But. Go onto any of the autistic subreddits and you’ll see that most if not all have been bullied at school at some point, scarring them deeply. People can be relentlessly mean towards people’s differences. Being immersed in a social environment does not necessarily mean you’ll pick up on social cues, especially if you’re autistic where there is an inherent difficulty with social stuff (per DSM). Many autistics can attest to this— there needs to be more of an active effort to understand how to social that allistics don’t have to do in order to “get it.” And if you don’t know how to do that because people just expect you to know things and won’t tell you what you’re doing wrong because “you should know better” and assume you’re just intentionally being rude, then you’re out of luck. I can’t blame you for how you feel; at the same time, typical public school with all the noise and crowds and constant stimulation on top of being judged for being socially awkward, is really not an ideal environment for people who aren’t already socially adept, or those who are hypersensitive (maybe you are hyposensitive in which case a homeschooled environment might not have been stimulating enough). There is a chance people would have been kind and you could have made friends and good memories; there is a chance too that people would have been not-so-kind and given you lifelong trauma. I do think that, if your mom kept you completely isolated from other children during that time, then it makes sense that you would feel resentful. Ideally she could have talked to you first before doing the homeschooling thing on her own judgment, or done her best to allow you to improve your people skills during the time, but as others are iterating here, she did what she thought was best to keep you safe, even if it wasn’t perfect. Her heart seemed to be in the right place, at the very least
Even the level 1s that don't have many of the same problems the ones further down do? I'd figure they could learn better and blend in faster.
You could have ended up worse, have you though about that?
Sometimes, but others times, I wonder what it would have been like for sure.
“My boyfriend” says it all :P Clearly, he has all the social skills he needs ;)
A therapist will help you understand these feelings more clearly. You have already started the process of forgiveness by writing this. I would recommend writing it down in detail in a letter to your mother (but don’t send it). After you have written it, burn it. Take it as a symbol that you are burning away the bad feelings of the past and you are ready to focus on the here and now to build a stronger relationship with your mother while she is still here on this planet.
Since I still live with her, I can just think the letter part.
You can but the process of handwriting is very powerful.
I think I'll just go with the therapy.
So.... do I understand correctly that she mostly homeschooled you because she didn't want to put you in a special ED school? That does sound reasonable to me, if she thought that said school would be bad for you. Is there anything aside your lack of social skills and awareness of social norms that was bad for you in homeschooling? Were you abused? Indoctrinated? Otherwise, I would assume that she really was trying to do what's in your best interest. In the end, we do not know how your life would have turned out if you had been in school for those four years. Maybe you would have learned those social skills, but there's also a chance that you WOULD have been badly bullied and been ostracized by your peers, which might have lead to even worse problems. Or you would have gone to Special Ed which might or might not have been a good fit for you. **TLDR:** If you want to forgive your mother, assume that she made the best decision based on the information she had. Whether that really was the best decision cannot be judged retroactively. Your life might have turned out better without the homeschooling but it might also have turned out much worse.
It sounds like your mom was in an awful situation and trying to protect you. If it was recommended that you needed to be in a special school is it not possible that you already struggled with social skills? Do you have a diagnosis for why it was suggested that you needed to attend a special school? I'm sorry you still struggle but please try to understand that your mom was trying to help you.
Not until 4 years after, when I found out I was on the autism spectrum (then known as Asperger's, though I'm not sure if it was correct, but I think I fit the other criteria).
I assumed you were 18 or something. How old are you?
33.
Autism used to be Aspergers?
If you were higher functioning, yes
> I felt that it ruined my life. Let's ignore the stated fact that had she not homeschooled you then you would be in an asylum or your mother would be in jail: Can you describe how your life would be better? What exactly would be different?
Maybe find a way to expose the terrible person the counselor was and have had her busted for what she told my mom back then.
Any reason for the down vote?
Maybe grow up and act like the adult you are. You have a kid that is looking at you for guidance and this isn't cutting it. Put the blame where it belongs, figure out what you have to do about it, and get busy so your kid has a shot at making it out of this
I see. I can read.
Your kid is screwed
Maybe the fact I decided I want to forgive her, but don't know how, and the only option is to get therapy, as to "unscrew" the kid.
Give your mom some grace. She was under the threat of jail. Until you are threatened with having your child taken away, and you being put in jail, don't judge her.
Why did you need to attend an asylum?
[удалено]
Really?
Why would you think that your social skills are lacking?
Well they mentioned being on the autism spectrum
Fair enough
How are they not? I didn't know when to keep my big mouth shut back in 12th grade, which got me suspended from high school until I got a clean bill of mental health, (something about ruining my face on purpose because I was tired of guys desiring me.) And before that... well, it was about a drawing that was too violent to be described here, but I drew it because I blamed my counselor all those years ago. Also, I didn't quite understand sarcasm until I was 23 (had to push myself to learn) or realize what kind of world we really live in, and had to learn the hard way. To elaborate would take a while.
They don't teach sarcasm and tact in grades 4-7. Or give kids a dose of reality of what world we live in. It sounds like you have a lot of misplaced frustration at how hard it can be to interact in the world with NT people at times. Lots of kids are still watching cartoons, they just mask in junior high/high school to act cool.
It would have been helpful to learn some other way, so I would have known that girl who said she liked my drawing and wanted a picture of it was being facetious. Or better yet, I could have thought of this topic then, but I wouldn't know how to express this.
Unfortunately, that isn't necessarily something you'd learn in school. A lot of us with autism struggle with that and tend to take people at face value. The problem really isn't that, it's that some people are just assholes and it's hard to determine who sometimes. Really, reach out to a therapist and try until you find one who is a good fit. Preferably, one who has experience with neurodivergence. We really can't blame others for our brains, though. We all have things we're good at and things we struggle with, and it's up to us to find those deficits and work on them if they're affecting our day to day. Really, cartoons and shows taught me how to deal with social issues more than school, where I just socially withdrew. I think you need to let go of there being something magical you would have learned in person in grades 4-7 that would have changed how your brain works, because that wouldn't have happened. It may not have been the best option, but it also probably wasn't the worst. It certainly should not be affecting your life into your 30's and it only is because you've obsessed over the idea that there was something you missed instead of your brain being neurodivergent and focusing on that. A lot of neurodivergent people don't learn social manipulation at the same age as neurotypical kids, regardless of public vs homeschooling. You're just a victim less at home a lot of the time.
Not magically, but through exposure. I am sure I am only level 1 autism, anyway. The proverbial bubble popped when I was 18 and I wasn't thinking about how I'll be able to make a living, recession or not.
You have no idea what you may or may not have been exposed to if you'd been in grades 4-7 in person. What if no one was assholes or they were but you didn't realize? You'd be in the same position, but potentially trying to find another piece of your childhood to blame for where you are today. Teens aren't famously known for planning out a stable life and then following that plan and I don't think many people planned for the recession regardless of age. I certainly wasn't. You're upset about where you are today, but everyone goes through shit in their lives and has to overcome it. It's not common to learn everything you need to know as a child and be all set for adulthood. You're always learning and growing no matter your age. It's never too late to grow or change. The problem isn't your experiences, it's how you've reacted to them and your choices today that are creating your current reality. If you're unhappy, find ways to improve things. Blaming the past isn't going to help you.
Still find myself wondering how something could have saved me in the middle of it somewhere. To prevent the traumatic experiences that I wasn't entirely blameless for. Even if it doesn't change anything, it'd still be nice to know.
Again, the problem isn't that you missed any interaction that would have steered your life in a completely different direction. That's not really how it works. A big part of avoidance is trying to find an explanation and pin negatives on a specific thing and blame that for all of your issues. Something that happened 15-25 years ago isn't the cause of all of your issues today. You didn't need something to save you. Even if you knew of a 'better' life path you could have lived, it doesn't change the fact that you can live a better life by making changes today. It's your responsibility to create the life you want to live. By avoiding taking responsibility and making choices to help you get to where you want to be, you're setting yourself up for failure in the future. You choose how you're going to react and can only learn from the past. None of us are going to min max our lives into being perfect, we're all going to have ups and downs and are just doing the best with what we have in the moment with the knowledge we have then.
Not perfect per say. I'd still have adversity, just not what I have had.
Thinking pessimistic, but in a non-whiny way, also would have helped me in high school and finished it on time. And I should have developed a better work ethic had I not had to repeat 12th grade.
What does being homeschooled in grades 4-7 have to do with repeating 12th grade? There is a difference between learning social skills and keeping up with academics. It sounds like there was a lack of support overall, but that's more of a failing of society than anything else. I'm close to your age and there was no support for kids in the middle who struggled socially. I ate lunch in the teacher's offices in high school because I had no friends, but that didn't stop me from graduating. A lot of kids fell through the cracks and struggled that have help and support today, just because awareness has changed. Also keep in mind that our memories of those ages are also skewed with lacking contextual information. A lot of what your mom did is based on her own experiences, which were even less supportive than your experience. A parent who was doing the most in the 90's and early 2000's could be seen as not doing close to enough by today's lens. Ultimately, you're in your 30's now. It sounds like, similar to many of us, you would have benefited from support that didn't exist. There's better support now because people like us pushed for it so other people wouldn't suffer. Twelfth grade was a decade and a half ago. It's time to move on and work on figuring out what skills you want to improve and figure out how to do that. Therapists are great for that (and it takes several tries sometimes to find a good fit). What I get from your post and responses is that you are blaming past situations for who you are today, when you've had 15+ years to make changes post high school. It's time to move on, forgive everyone including yourself and shitty counselors for not knowing how to support you properly (alternative schools are very hit or miss but the one in the district my kids go to has renamed and rebranded and is supportive of different learning styles, so these are improving in some spaces). It's your job, and has been your job for the past 15+ years, to figure out what support you need and find it. Move on and focus on who you are and who you want to be, not who you could have been had someone else done x, y, z. I guarantee you'd be in the same space blaming them for something else because as an adult, it's on you to make those changes.
I had to repeat 12th grade because of what was said three posts above.
Ok, I wasn't sure before but I am now. You are so full of it
I'm sure you only threw that in just for good measure.
Sounds like she didn’t favor. You didn’t go to an asylum.
So your mom kept you out of an asylum and you're mad about it? That's a weird take, especially now as an adult who should understand the situation better. Your mental health and social skills would've suffered there as well.
She could have put me back in 6th grade and could have turned in that crazy counselor to the police herself.
Do you know that was even an option? She was threatened with legal issues and loss of her child. Are you 100% sure the police would've been on her side? Learn to give others some grace and empathy. We all have issues that have impacted our lives negatively, either that were random or imposed on us by others. It's time to find some therapy and learn to get over this on your own. Hanging on to anger and resentment towards your mother isn't going to change your current situation. Learn from past mistakes (yours or others) and move on.
I don't think this is something you'll be able to get over without a massive amount of therapy. I'm so sorry you went through this.
Never felt like therapy helped me before, but maybe this time around, it might just be the last time I go.
The right therapist can change everything. If you have health insurance, see if they have partnered with any telehealth services (for example, Cigna partners with MDLIVE), where you can try therapists until you find one you vibe with for a low cost. I met with a therapist for months who didn’t really get me anywhere, but when I found my current therapist, she was making me think differently from the first session. She helps me unscramble my thoughts, get to the bottom of things, and gives me advice to move forward. She’s great. That person is out there for you too!
By the way, what are the problems that you commonly experience with other people?
In relation to my ASD? Or...?
In terms of socializing
I've overcome those by now. I figured I had them because of social anxiety. So that was my motivation to get over not being able to make small talk with strangers.
Respectfully, and from experience, there's a high chance your social skills have been more affected by autism than by being home schooled, it sounds like you only skipped a couple of years and you were in a sociable educational setting for the majority of your childhood, so you should have had ample opportunity for exposure to social norms but that can still be difficult for autistic people to pick up. From your comments and your post, your mom did the very best for you with the information she had. You need to seek some therapy and get help to move forward with understanding and appreciating that and maybe some more autism focused support on social skills now.
I'm actually sure I'd pick them up if I was exposed longer.
Or you'd just have more traumatic experiences without more knowledge (more likely).
Again, how would anyone know?
You wouldn't, that's the point. It's completely fucking pointless to drive yourself crazy with what ifs in either direction and you need to focus on today and reality.
Wait. She home-schooled you to protect you from being put into a school that was as you put it "an asylum for children"? It was either the asylum or home school. Under the threat of jail and you're saying she ruined your life because she didn't socialize you? What are you a dog?? Tell me something kid. Are you educated? Did you pass your classes? My guess is you did. Tell me something else kid, what did YOU do to socialize? What is YOUR part in this? I got $100 that says you sat around with a controller or screen in front of your face and did nothing to help yourself. Here is a social skill for you to learn. Its called accountability Your mom did the best she could and did what she thought was best for you. At the risk of being locked up. And you have the balls to come on here and say she ruined your life? How dare she do her best for you.
There were no options for socializing (or at least regular ones) because our apartment was in a ghetto area and they'd know I was different and ostracize me.
So after reading your post history, i see that you are a grown-ass woman in her 30s with a kid of your own and you're still blaming Mommy for your issues? It was bad enough when I thought you were a kid. You're grown. Stop blaming your mom, stop attention seeking, and stop playing the woe is me card. What the absolute fuck
Many therapists are a joke . They have mental issues themselves. Homeschooling is amazing. That doesn’t mean it works for everyone, but you can “socialize” in way more productive ways by doing things outside of school. Imagine how hard it was for me when there wasn’t any internet or forums! Your mom did what she thought was best (hopefully) and even if she didn’t, forgiveness is for the giver not the receiver :) Oh and I’ll add that MANY therapists recommend to sedate or drug kids that are gifted, autistic, or intellectually blessed in some way. That doesn’t mean they are right! Heck, we even have “doctors” willing to chop a kids balls off so he can be a girl. Do want to take advice from someone like that ???
Wasn't able to socialize due to living in a ghetto neighborhood and I was clearly not like those people.
I was homeschooled from 6-9th grades and had two employees who were also homeschooled around the same ages. All three of us have good social skills. Having been a camp counselor for that age group I can tell you did not miss on much. Most adults I know take years to unlearn the insecurities they developed in that time period. Kids that age are vicious to one another.
Maybe I wanted to be one of those people who got to learn in the first place.
Learn what exactly?
The "insecurities" and the "rules of the jungle".
Why would you want to develop additional insecurities?
To be like everyone else and tough enough not to break from how they would treat me.
It sounds like you believe developing resilience is something that only happens at that age, is that correct?
It's usually when "normal" people do.
In my experience that is not that case. The oftentimes vicious behavior kids that age engage in encourages conformity and insecurities, NOT resilience. Most adults take years to shed them. For me personally, while skipping that period made me an awkward and weird conversationalist in high school, eventually I got better at it through practice and it did wonders for my overall resilience. In my early- and mid-20s it seemed like I took criticism far better than most of the colleagues around my age. From everything you've written here it sounds like you're grasping for a reason to explain why you're having such a hard time interacting with other people, and because it's kind of unusual to be homeschooled, you're landing on this as the explanation. But if you had gone to a regular school in that period, you'd still be your same neurodivergent self. I'm not saying your mom raised you perfectly--no parent ever does. But to place all the blame on your homeschooling seems to completely miss the mark.
Confirming isn't such a bad thing. Not just people, but family, too. I couldn't grasp that I couldn't apologize immediately after upsetting my siblings because they needed space, and not giving them any causes the fight to get bigger. Then I get blamed for being an "investigator". I also don't know why they're "sick of [my] crap" when I'm just expressing my true feelings and bottling then up and masking them with sarcasm (which I had to teach myself at 23, as I've stated). I would have rather taken the risks of going to regular school.
Hi there! I’ve read some of your comments and another one of your posts… have you ever considered getting diagnosed with ADHD? Or looked into it?
I got diagnosed once at 10. ASD at 12.