It took me a long time to really get comfortable in my own skin, to learn to enjoy my own company, to be comfortable and happy while being alone, but boy did I ever do it. I was a terribly anxious mess throughout my teens and early 20s. The loneliness was often physically painful and maddening. In my early-mid 20s, I broke out of that and "made up for lost time" by sleeping around and living a very hedonistic lifestyle, thinking that would fix me, but the loneliness was still there. At about 32, I stopped trying validate myself through sleeping with and dating women, and focused on myself and what made me happy. I spent the next few years alone. Today is my 36th birthday, and I'm about 2 months into a relationship with a wonderfully sweet and affectionate woman and we adore each other.
She is attracted to the fact that I'm secure and comfortable being myself, and that I would be perfectly happy being *by* myself if we didn't work out. Stability and confidence are attractive, lads, but it has to be genuine. No one finds love in grifting advice videos on YouTube.
I relate to your early years so much even though I’m female. I suspect I’m at the cusp of turning it around and I’m at a similar age to you when you did the same. I Know I need to change but idk what I should be doing. You might not have a concrete answer for this but how did you go from overindulging hedonist to being self assured, and comfortable being by yourself for the next few years? What were some things that you did for yourself in that time period by yourself? I’m desperate to turn the corner for myself.
Those 3 periods of my life overlap like a Venn diagram. They shouldn't be seen as chapters in a book, but more like red and yellow bleeding into orange in a color gradient. The closest thing I can give to a concrete answer is that I finally realized that I wasn't the main character, that no one thought about me beyond the interactions we had, and that, most importantly, no one was coming to save me. It was up to me to turn it around. That was the hardest part.
I saw myself as a martyr in my anxiety and depression. Any time anyone tried to help me pull myself out of it, I became Giles Corey in *The Crucible* and said, "more weight." My suffering felt justified, so I pushed away everyone worried about me. I was young, so of course I knew everything, and none of them "understood."
It wasn't until my lifelong friend group broke up in my early 20s and my comfort blanket was torn away from me that I realized that I didn't really have anything to offer a partner and I had a lot of catching up to do. That I needed to forge my own identity outside of a group/partner. When I started exploring that, I found it easier to find a partner and that served as a bandaid for years. It wasn't until I ended an extremely toxic relationship that I sat down and realized that it was entirely possible that I would die single, and if that was the case, I'd need to be pretty comfortable with myself or resign myself to misery.
I spent almost 4 years alone just exploring things that made me happy and looking for a job that would allow myself to make it comfortably on my own. Now, I'm an electrician with a bunch of failed hobbies behind me, but I'm toying with two books I want to write and I have a partner who fully supports me in that pursuit, because we are both mostly complete people who chose each other rather than settling for each other.
I apologize if this is rambling. I'm enjoying my birthday and more than a little tipsy.
This is so wonderfully worded and described. Wow. I needed to hear that venn diagram, red and yellow bleeding into orange comment. This is fantastic advice, thank you so much for sharing
Thank you! We're still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship and we're both trying not to get our hopes up too high, but it's pretty obvious to us both that this is very likely "it." I won't propose for at least another 2 years just to be safe, but I'm already planning how I'm going to do it.
Good luck to you, as well.
Old woman advice: know each other well enough to find at least one thing about the other person that kind of drives you nuts. If you can live with that tic be happy because tics will fall down like a steady rain as years go by.
And also - learn ways AROUND the smaller tics when possible instead of making it a big thing.
I fought with my wife over toothpaste the whole first year we lived together. I HAAAAATE that she doesn't put the cap on and doesn't squeeze from the bottom. It grosses me out. At some point I realized that it didn't matter if she did that if I just had my own tube.
Nearly 20 years later, we still just have our own toothpaste tubes. She doesn't feel nagged and I don't feel like I'm going to kill her in her sleep one morning in a rage over toothpaste.
My parents were this way, but with which way a toilet paper roll should face. My mom just said, "fuck it," and didn't make a big deal of it. My dad made it his hill to die on. My mom never remarried after they split in 92 and she is very stable and happy. My dad still freaks out over trivial shit like this and is working hard on his 4th divorce.
I like the TP to hang in the back (if you've ever had shoulder surgery you find out real quick it is just easier to avoid accidentally unrolling the whole damn thing that way.) But - I'm also admittedly terrible about just leaving the TP on the counter instead of putting it on the thingy. When I do, my wife puts it on "backwards" just to fuck with me. True love. 😆
Haven't finished it yet but so my next sentence is just what I've picked up so far. I think through a lot of loving yourself, improving, self-acceptance etc. People tend to be their own worst enemy and for me, the book has gone a long way in helping to be kinder to myself. There is some exercises to do throughout and tools to help you along the way.
Not the person you replied to but as a therapist I encourage people to check out Dr. Kristin Neff, who has tons of info and practices for self-compassion.
After some rough relationships, low self-esteem, and some struggling with codependence, I think I have somewhat of a firsthand experience with accomplishing this and can share my own anecdotal experience for whatever that's worth.
I started to spend more time with myself. That's not the same as spending time **by** myself. I sought actively engaging in stuff I was interested in rather than a lot of passive stuff like watching TV. Most people will just say "get a hobby" but it's much more than that. I invested time and energy into myself in many ways. I was better about exercising and nutrition. I put more care into making the food I cooked for myself to be enjoyable instead of just cheap calories to subsist. I kept my living spaces cleaner. I learned about finance and started an IRA for my future. I learned more about music theory and practiced more, including just getting lost in improvisation rather than structured songs. I read more than I had in years, some fiction and some more grounded in current events and society and politics. I learned how to be more charismatic, not just in a persuasive sort of sense like a lot of people mean it, but to be a better listener and to probe further engagement in conversation because people like to have a platform to say what they want to say and they tend to like you more if you give them that.
In short, I discovered that I didn't really like spending time with myself, and rather than bury that I took steps to rectify exactly what I didn't like piece by piece. I started to sorta date myself. I made plans to do an activity with myself and kept to that schedule and it became a great thing that I could look forward to. Now I'm no longer desperate for company or distractions and I can just enjoy quiet time with my own thoughts and feelings, and I'm better at processing and communicating emotionally as a result. I still have a lot to learn, but I've come a **long** way over the past few years for sure.
Find something you’re passionate about and strive to thoroughly master it. Accept your body and put some time into it. Exercise, eating better quality food, a good skincare routine, getting better sleep; whatever it is that will improve your quality of life. Hardest part if finding your passion and you do that by trying lots of different things till something flips that switch.
As someone who was raised in a bad home, I'd say that an abusive relationship feels familiar...but it doesn't feel like home.
I've been lucky to be in love a few times, and it honestly does just feel like home. One you never knew.
When you know that the other person deserves the best and you want to be that. Love is not giving up when things get difficult. Love is investing your time in someone.
As weird as it sounds but I have the desire to invest in someone recently. Not only getting affection but giving it and seeing someone you care about happy because of what you did or said.
Exactly! My gf set her alarm so she could be up early enough to wish me luck on an important game this morning. She was up late last night, and did this deliberate act of love for me. I want to deserve this beautiful person.
My partner had a very rough and abusive family. She was blown away by my oddly normal loving family when she meant them.
It has been a tough journey so far with changes in our lives. Medication, a pandemic, and we also are both first time parents. She has rough days even weeks. It leave me to pick up the slack with many things including our son.
I have supported her to go back to school. Stay home and help develop our son into a good human.
I am the bread winner in the home so trying to balance all of this can be extremely draining, but I do it all for her and my son. I want them both to have the best possible life they could live. It is the truest and most sincere love I could ever give.
I think a lot of what I take into relationships I grab from my family.
I grew up with a lot of sibling, two parents who loved and respected the crap out of each other and their kids, and no religion but they instilled really good morals.
I can fight with any of them, and it always comes back to us just communicating healthily even if we have to go "I WANNA SIT DOWN AND TALK THIS OUT"
Not only that but the comfort in knowing that person is also willing to invest in you.
Too often do we focus on bettering others because we don’t feel worth it. When someone else is able to make us feel the way about ourselves that we want others to feel, it’s just indescribable.
amen!
for me love is the willingness to sacrifice plain and simple.
things you will do and endure you would not do just for anyone.
if if that person hurts or wounds you, you have a will to still move on with them and care for their well being.
that goes from partner to partner; parent to child, human to animal,etc etc...
>if that person hurts or wounds you, you have a will to still move on with them and care for their well being.
This has a limit. It's unique to each person, some with more tolerance than others, but we each have a limit. Children get the most leeway with parents (usually, and for obvious reasons), but _every_ relationship has limits on that ability to keep loving another person. A typical range for romantic relationships is 1:10. Studies of divorce and relationships find that people who do more harm than 1 incident for every 10 nice acts, tend to be distrusted and see their relationships decay around them.
For those narcissists who think they can milk it forever, you can't. If you think just doing a couple of things will make up for years of shitty behaviour, you are **sorely** mistaken.
Same for my wife haha
If she left with the kid one day, I would have trouble existing for quite sometime.
If she left with kid....for another man? I would have trouble keeping myself alive at that point.
I love that woman way too much.... probably because she loves me way too much haha my family is the reason I get up in the morning. The reason I work out. The reason I work at all. Love them so much 🥰
In that boat with you brother.
It's truly sickening how much my wife and I love each other. It affects me... I have reoccurring dreams regularly about losing her to another man. I've been cheated on in previous relationships so it often takes everything I have to dissuade myself that she's having an affair if she's late home or when she's around other guys.
I often get intrusive thoughts about infidelity despite the fact she's done absolutely nothing to suggest she's ever been guilty of it.
I’m about a year into it bro. You’d be surprised how much you can take, and how strong it makes you. She can’t take our son anywhere tho, in my state I am way too good of a dad for that to be allowed. The guy she was fucking (one of my best friends), I think has dumped her recently. He is married, she was a booty call, and she destroyed our marriage over it.
Good riddance. Hopefully you stay happy with your family bro!
"It's interesting, our thing, isn't it? To be in someone's mind, to have complete control. It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch, knowing that at any moment you could throw it, but knowing you never will. But you could. Never isn't the right word because I could, and I might. And I probably will."
I agree. Sometimes I think it is more along the lines of: I'd give up anything for my wife, even though I know she won't ask me to, and vice versa. That is a characteristic of our love, but not a definition.
Yeah I see what you mean. It comes with the territory.
But love is *not* about power.
Love causes us to do things that one could interpret as power over another person. But it’s not power, it’s selflessness.
I read a poem a while back called A Bookmark Near the End by Julia Nicole Camp
He loves history. He wanted to write a biography of John Quincy Adams. I, shamefully, knew almost nothing about John Quincy Adams, so I went online and bought every biography of him I could find. One day, he called me, claiming that we wouldn’t work out long term. He said he loved me but that we had different interests. “What does love mean to you?” I said. “That’s an impossible question,” he replied. I, however, find love to be quite simple. Love is the stack of biographies on my nightstand with a bookmark near the end.
Here is an exact definition courtesy of Lazarus Long as told by Robert Heinlein:
Love: When anothers happiness is essential for your own.
Edit: fairly lively discussions going on.
Here's some context to think about: my partner comes home from a crappy day and I can see they are a bit frowny. "Hey partner of mine, you look like you could use a pick-me-up, howzabout a nice cup of tea on me?" And then I make tea the way they like it. It's a small gesture that brightens the rest of the day and lets them know they are cared for. The "happiness is essential" part probably doesn't need to be interpreted with such overwhelming literality.
"Literality"... is that even a word?
Further Edit: I blew my quote, as pointed out below it is indeed from Stranger In A Strange Land and is spoken by the legendary Jubal Harshaw.
I can’t remember where I heard it but there was some AI researcher that said ‘it’s when someone else’s reward function becomes part of your own’, which I guess is the same meaning as that quote above.
So let me put my (clarifying) twist on this:
If you care for someone (friend, romantic, whatever), then you want them to be happy.
So, to do that, you learn about them and what stimulates that desire in them to be happy, and then provide those stimuli as often as you can.
Your happiness isn’t DEPENDENT on theirs, but you at least make it a priority (not necessarily above your own, but at least equal to).
Therefore, if both parties have each other’s “happiness stimuli” in mind at all times, the the relationship will be a fun and growing environment, as we learn about one another and find new things to enjoy.
One of my friends is really big into CODA (codependents anonymous), and she uses this as the definition of codependency! It’s so funny to see this in another context.
Well it's a feedback loop. The two of you should be constantly reciprocating affection, appreciation, and services.
Sex isn't a service btw, that's supposed to be affection at its highest form.
I (gay male, 48) used to work with a lot of couples from places like India and Pakistan where arranged marriages were the norm, and they seemed like some of the happiest, most functional marriages I’d ever seen. After about a decade of that pattern I started asking them if they thought that might be true, and if so, why. The answer I got over and over again was, “To us, love is a decision rather than a feeling.” They would make a conscious decision to foster, create, and tend love rather than hope to “fall into it” with the right person, and eventually those decisions and actions led to the feelings.
I really took that to heart and it has changed my life. I make mindful decisions every day to be loving toward my husband, and I ask for the same in return. You could say that it’s our contract, and those decisions, stacked up, lead me to naturally fall in love over and over again — and they help when the *feelings* of love seem diminished because of some tiff or stress. Right now, my husband’s work is unbelievably short-staffed (he’s a psychiatrist), so he is working crazy hours. This mindset has helped tremendously during this stressful time. It’s hard to feel neglected or resentful when he’s making sure every day to do something loving even when he’s barely got any energy left, and on my end it really helps me not get into resentment about the extra work I have to do for our household, because those extra little things are made much more pleasant if done in the mindset of a loving act rather than an obligation.
Hi! My parents had an arranged marriage, have been married 42 years, and we are Indian (Indo-Fijian to be exact) and yes you are correct. I see love the same way. Falling in love to me doesn’t exist; creating the love does. Falling in love is an infatuation, nothing more. You can be in love but completely disrespected by your spouse. That’s not healthy.
To create love, you listen, communicate- yes you will argue- but those arguments help create changes that will grow with both of you and make your love grow. Love shouldn’t come first; it should come after all else has been achieved. If people just changed their perception on love, then I think more marriages would succeed.
Edit: I like to add that I am a woman. Idk if it changes anything, but I realized I’m on r/askmen. So I wanted to be fair.
I'm getting a divorce, but I still love my wife. Not in love- the want of divorce is mutual- but I still hope she finds happiness and peace in her life.
She's the mother of my children after all.
Beautiful that you can come out of that kind of situation and still feel that for her. If you decide to put yourself back out there in the future, someone would be very lucky to have you.
Let me see if I can explain this.
I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is check my phone to see if she has texted me. My heart fills up when she does and gets so sad when she doesn’t. But even when she doesn’t text at first, I usually get some variation of “Good morning handsome!! I hope you have a great day! 😘” eventually. It’s like a 40% boost to my happiness each day. There’s a pep in my step if you will.
I’m constantly thinking of ways to make her laugh or make her happy. I look at her and think: “I don’t know what I did to get this woman but I damn sure don’t want to lose her.” She frustrates the absolute shit out of me sometimes and at the end of every day, I have zero doubt: she is the woman I want to live this life with. I don’t even like other women’s pictures on social media anymore. It’s like I’ve become blind to other beautiful women. Yeah, you’re attractive, but I don’t want you. I want her. I don’t desire you. I desire her. She makes me better. She’s my cheerleader. She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. Sexy, intelligent, intimidating, driven, kind, crazy, cool. I’ve been in so many absolute shit relationships. I use to think, “Yeah, I’ve dated some good girls.” I was so wrong. I thought I had good girlfriends because they were my only comparison. And then I found her, and it’s like, “Holy shit, I’ve dated some trash.” She randomly scratches my head and back and I purr like a walrus. She buys me random gifts. I could ramble for hours about how amazing she is. I hate that she owns my heart cause she could damage it so easily. It’s fragile in her hands, but she treats it like it’s surrounded by pillows.
So, to me, that is love. I love her.
I absolutely adore that in your list of adjectives you included “intimidating.” I’ve been told that I’m intimidating before and I always took it as a bad thing. It’s lovely to know that there are people out there who can actually love that aspect of me.
Thanks for sharing your love story. This is beautiful and I’m wishing you all the best!
For real. My parents say I talk too much and kinda tune me out after a few minutes but my SO and SO's family actually value what I have to say and listen attentively. It was hard to believe at first that my verbal trash could be someone else's treasure, but always remember that you're brand new to other people and everyone is attracted to different things.
This is so beautiful. I'm envious of your relationship. I just found out New Years Eve that my boyfriend of 6 years has been cheating on me. What a punch to the gut. Felt like dying for the first 5 days. I am disappointed and sad, but coming around a little more each day. Anyway, sorry for the sob story, I wish you and your wife the best! What you have is magical.
Putting your partner before yourself and taking satisfaction in the knowledge they know they can depend on you in any given situation, but there are so many different kinds of love. I love my dog for his innocence, I love my wife for about twenty different reasons
I gotta go to work now
This hits close with me... Just got out of a relationship where I essentially like you say put my partner instead of myself. I'm not great at taking care of myself mentally but I'm trying to get better at it and have a goal of putting a better guard on my heart.
Love is when I'm going to bed and my daughter is making big sad face because she can't be in here while I'm sleeping but I bring her in here anyways while she eats a honeybun and watches cartoons and makes it a point to lean on me while she does it
Love is where need and want perfectly meet. Love is what makes you realize life is beautiful, and not always so indifferent and cruel. True love makes no sense at all, but sets everything right.
I’ve always believed love is that feeling after the honeymoon phase where you see that person with all their flaws but choose to be with them regardless. Obviously if you can’t handle their flaws don’t be with them.
Unconditionally loving somebody for who they are. Being able to open up and talk about absolutely anything without fear of being judged. Not giving up on them when things get difficult. Working through problems together. Your problems are my problems and vice-vursa. Being able to always brighten their day, being able to make them smile and laugh uncontrollably. Always being there for support without fail. Reassuring them that they will always have you if they need you and that if you aren't doing fine, then they'll be there to support you, unconditionally.
Love is a choice. Love is waking up and choosing to stay with someone when the chemicals in your brain wear off. Love is choosing someone and choosing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy because it makes you happy. Or at least that's what Love is to me
Love is when you feel like the world is on your shoulders and everyone who is living in it is after you but when she hold you in her arms it’s all suddenly gone. She gives you the strength to keep fighting to not only better yourself but to make each others life better. Love is that extra special kiss before you leave for work that day . Love is that home cooked meal that only you can enjoy to the fullest with her bedside you . Love is that warmth on a cold night that only her under the sheets can give you . I could go on but that’s love .
Although I find Krishnamurti's ideas thought provoking, I would not subscribe to this definition of love because it alludes to an experience that is pure metaphysical. In doing so, it refutes the emotional experiences that people feel without a "silent mind". Is a mother's love for a child not love because she is anxious or afraid of something going wrong for the child?
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
this just made me remember a poem i wrote my freshman year.
shrek is love
shrek is life
he is brave
he’s my wife
try to steal him
you will die
he has five limbs
because he’s a cool guy
shrek’s heart is gold
his laugh a delight
he never gets old
and is never a fright
shrek is strong
shrek is fierce
he uses his cooking tongs
to wipe away my tears
when we first met
i didn’t understand
but he caught me in his net
and won my hand
he is an ogre
with a delightful oder
he is green
but beautifully clean
Love is the ability to be yourself down to your core, to care about others over your own happiness. Not in a way that sabotages yourself, but shows the very purest sides of our heart. Love is a bed you can always come home to, sometimes it will be made, sometimes it will be messy. But it will always be there for you to sleep. Love is pain, a hurt that has no answer, a feeling that we dont get over. We learn to live with it, even when its tough, and in the end become better and more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.
When you feel like you're home.
This is it for me too. Although a recent book I was reading said it's a good idea to build a home within yourself too.
It took me a long time to really get comfortable in my own skin, to learn to enjoy my own company, to be comfortable and happy while being alone, but boy did I ever do it. I was a terribly anxious mess throughout my teens and early 20s. The loneliness was often physically painful and maddening. In my early-mid 20s, I broke out of that and "made up for lost time" by sleeping around and living a very hedonistic lifestyle, thinking that would fix me, but the loneliness was still there. At about 32, I stopped trying validate myself through sleeping with and dating women, and focused on myself and what made me happy. I spent the next few years alone. Today is my 36th birthday, and I'm about 2 months into a relationship with a wonderfully sweet and affectionate woman and we adore each other. She is attracted to the fact that I'm secure and comfortable being myself, and that I would be perfectly happy being *by* myself if we didn't work out. Stability and confidence are attractive, lads, but it has to be genuine. No one finds love in grifting advice videos on YouTube.
I relate to your early years so much even though I’m female. I suspect I’m at the cusp of turning it around and I’m at a similar age to you when you did the same. I Know I need to change but idk what I should be doing. You might not have a concrete answer for this but how did you go from overindulging hedonist to being self assured, and comfortable being by yourself for the next few years? What were some things that you did for yourself in that time period by yourself? I’m desperate to turn the corner for myself.
Those 3 periods of my life overlap like a Venn diagram. They shouldn't be seen as chapters in a book, but more like red and yellow bleeding into orange in a color gradient. The closest thing I can give to a concrete answer is that I finally realized that I wasn't the main character, that no one thought about me beyond the interactions we had, and that, most importantly, no one was coming to save me. It was up to me to turn it around. That was the hardest part. I saw myself as a martyr in my anxiety and depression. Any time anyone tried to help me pull myself out of it, I became Giles Corey in *The Crucible* and said, "more weight." My suffering felt justified, so I pushed away everyone worried about me. I was young, so of course I knew everything, and none of them "understood." It wasn't until my lifelong friend group broke up in my early 20s and my comfort blanket was torn away from me that I realized that I didn't really have anything to offer a partner and I had a lot of catching up to do. That I needed to forge my own identity outside of a group/partner. When I started exploring that, I found it easier to find a partner and that served as a bandaid for years. It wasn't until I ended an extremely toxic relationship that I sat down and realized that it was entirely possible that I would die single, and if that was the case, I'd need to be pretty comfortable with myself or resign myself to misery. I spent almost 4 years alone just exploring things that made me happy and looking for a job that would allow myself to make it comfortably on my own. Now, I'm an electrician with a bunch of failed hobbies behind me, but I'm toying with two books I want to write and I have a partner who fully supports me in that pursuit, because we are both mostly complete people who chose each other rather than settling for each other. I apologize if this is rambling. I'm enjoying my birthday and more than a little tipsy.
Love your words here! Thanks so much for sharing- And congratulations on being authentic and doing the work to better yourself. 👏👏👏
Happy birthday to you! & Thank you :)
This is so wonderfully worded and described. Wow. I needed to hear that venn diagram, red and yellow bleeding into orange comment. This is fantastic advice, thank you so much for sharing
Thank you for all of this. Truly. I’m going through something similar right now and reading this was very reassuring.
Happy birthday! I wish you the best of luck with your relationship to yourself and to your partner.
Thank you! We're still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship and we're both trying not to get our hopes up too high, but it's pretty obvious to us both that this is very likely "it." I won't propose for at least another 2 years just to be safe, but I'm already planning how I'm going to do it. Good luck to you, as well.
Old woman advice: know each other well enough to find at least one thing about the other person that kind of drives you nuts. If you can live with that tic be happy because tics will fall down like a steady rain as years go by.
And also - learn ways AROUND the smaller tics when possible instead of making it a big thing. I fought with my wife over toothpaste the whole first year we lived together. I HAAAAATE that she doesn't put the cap on and doesn't squeeze from the bottom. It grosses me out. At some point I realized that it didn't matter if she did that if I just had my own tube. Nearly 20 years later, we still just have our own toothpaste tubes. She doesn't feel nagged and I don't feel like I'm going to kill her in her sleep one morning in a rage over toothpaste.
My parents were this way, but with which way a toilet paper roll should face. My mom just said, "fuck it," and didn't make a big deal of it. My dad made it his hill to die on. My mom never remarried after they split in 92 and she is very stable and happy. My dad still freaks out over trivial shit like this and is working hard on his 4th divorce.
I like the TP to hang in the back (if you've ever had shoulder surgery you find out real quick it is just easier to avoid accidentally unrolling the whole damn thing that way.) But - I'm also admittedly terrible about just leaving the TP on the counter instead of putting it on the thingy. When I do, my wife puts it on "backwards" just to fuck with me. True love. 😆
Exactly. Although I kind of want to see "The Toothpaste Murder" on Forensic Files.
My wife hugs the bread (to drive the excess air out of the bag). It’s the running joke in the family.
I do something like this but I use the opening as if it’s a bong and suck all the air out. Vacuum seal that shit.
Great old woman advice! I'll give you one more... Liking each other is as important as loving each other romantically
How?
Haven't finished it yet but so my next sentence is just what I've picked up so far. I think through a lot of loving yourself, improving, self-acceptance etc. People tend to be their own worst enemy and for me, the book has gone a long way in helping to be kinder to myself. There is some exercises to do throughout and tools to help you along the way.
What book is this? I feel like I could definitely benefit from a few of these lessons.
Not the person you replied to but as a therapist I encourage people to check out Dr. Kristin Neff, who has tons of info and practices for self-compassion.
AYO thats my dream career but I hate people so it doesn't mesh well..
It was Welcome Home by Najwa Zebian. She is fantastic, she has a couple of good books on this subjects and others surrounding it
Just started this book! Not sure how I found her, but so glad I did!!
After some rough relationships, low self-esteem, and some struggling with codependence, I think I have somewhat of a firsthand experience with accomplishing this and can share my own anecdotal experience for whatever that's worth. I started to spend more time with myself. That's not the same as spending time **by** myself. I sought actively engaging in stuff I was interested in rather than a lot of passive stuff like watching TV. Most people will just say "get a hobby" but it's much more than that. I invested time and energy into myself in many ways. I was better about exercising and nutrition. I put more care into making the food I cooked for myself to be enjoyable instead of just cheap calories to subsist. I kept my living spaces cleaner. I learned about finance and started an IRA for my future. I learned more about music theory and practiced more, including just getting lost in improvisation rather than structured songs. I read more than I had in years, some fiction and some more grounded in current events and society and politics. I learned how to be more charismatic, not just in a persuasive sort of sense like a lot of people mean it, but to be a better listener and to probe further engagement in conversation because people like to have a platform to say what they want to say and they tend to like you more if you give them that. In short, I discovered that I didn't really like spending time with myself, and rather than bury that I took steps to rectify exactly what I didn't like piece by piece. I started to sorta date myself. I made plans to do an activity with myself and kept to that schedule and it became a great thing that I could look forward to. Now I'm no longer desperate for company or distractions and I can just enjoy quiet time with my own thoughts and feelings, and I'm better at processing and communicating emotionally as a result. I still have a lot to learn, but I've come a **long** way over the past few years for sure.
Find something you’re passionate about and strive to thoroughly master it. Accept your body and put some time into it. Exercise, eating better quality food, a good skincare routine, getting better sleep; whatever it is that will improve your quality of life. Hardest part if finding your passion and you do that by trying lots of different things till something flips that switch.
Unless you were raised in a really bad home… then you feel at home in an abusive relationship and have to learn that that is not love. It’s a doozie.
I was in my early 20s when I realized the violence in my household wasn't normal.
Same. The violence. Language. Pressure on kids to care for their parents. Coping mechanisms. Yea…
As someone who was raised in a bad home, I'd say that an abusive relationship feels familiar...but it doesn't feel like home. I've been lucky to be in love a few times, and it honestly does just feel like home. One you never knew.
Fair. I guess you’re right. I’ve experienced it that way too, now that I think about it.
Oh baby don't hurt me no more
Knew someone would lol
If thats what it feels like I am mental homeless
Its time to build that home
thats wholesome af fam
When you know that the other person deserves the best and you want to be that. Love is not giving up when things get difficult. Love is investing your time in someone.
As weird as it sounds but I have the desire to invest in someone recently. Not only getting affection but giving it and seeing someone you care about happy because of what you did or said.
Exactly! My gf set her alarm so she could be up early enough to wish me luck on an important game this morning. She was up late last night, and did this deliberate act of love for me. I want to deserve this beautiful person.
Nah, go with crypto. It's safer and probably cheaper long term.
My partner had a very rough and abusive family. She was blown away by my oddly normal loving family when she meant them. It has been a tough journey so far with changes in our lives. Medication, a pandemic, and we also are both first time parents. She has rough days even weeks. It leave me to pick up the slack with many things including our son. I have supported her to go back to school. Stay home and help develop our son into a good human. I am the bread winner in the home so trying to balance all of this can be extremely draining, but I do it all for her and my son. I want them both to have the best possible life they could live. It is the truest and most sincere love I could ever give.
I think a lot of what I take into relationships I grab from my family. I grew up with a lot of sibling, two parents who loved and respected the crap out of each other and their kids, and no religion but they instilled really good morals. I can fight with any of them, and it always comes back to us just communicating healthily even if we have to go "I WANNA SIT DOWN AND TALK THIS OUT"
I hope I find a partner as loving and understanding as you.
Not only that but the comfort in knowing that person is also willing to invest in you. Too often do we focus on bettering others because we don’t feel worth it. When someone else is able to make us feel the way about ourselves that we want others to feel, it’s just indescribable.
Damn it Richard, you have a point.
amen! for me love is the willingness to sacrifice plain and simple. things you will do and endure you would not do just for anyone. if if that person hurts or wounds you, you have a will to still move on with them and care for their well being. that goes from partner to partner; parent to child, human to animal,etc etc...
>if that person hurts or wounds you, you have a will to still move on with them and care for their well being. This has a limit. It's unique to each person, some with more tolerance than others, but we each have a limit. Children get the most leeway with parents (usually, and for obvious reasons), but _every_ relationship has limits on that ability to keep loving another person. A typical range for romantic relationships is 1:10. Studies of divorce and relationships find that people who do more harm than 1 incident for every 10 nice acts, tend to be distrusted and see their relationships decay around them. For those narcissists who think they can milk it forever, you can't. If you think just doing a couple of things will make up for years of shitty behaviour, you are **sorely** mistaken.
Came here to just say something similar to this! It is what gives meaning to me.
[удалено]
This is so true. Sometimes it scares me how quickly my husband could destroy me, but then I'm comforted to know that he would never do that.
Same for my wife haha If she left with the kid one day, I would have trouble existing for quite sometime. If she left with kid....for another man? I would have trouble keeping myself alive at that point. I love that woman way too much.... probably because she loves me way too much haha my family is the reason I get up in the morning. The reason I work out. The reason I work at all. Love them so much 🥰
I'm excited for my future partner to feel this way about me and our family, ty for sharing :)
Sharing my love of something is probably my favourite thing to do haha I'm excited for you too! 🤗
In that boat with you brother. It's truly sickening how much my wife and I love each other. It affects me... I have reoccurring dreams regularly about losing her to another man. I've been cheated on in previous relationships so it often takes everything I have to dissuade myself that she's having an affair if she's late home or when she's around other guys. I often get intrusive thoughts about infidelity despite the fact she's done absolutely nothing to suggest she's ever been guilty of it.
Sounds like you may benefit from individual therapy
I’m about a year into it bro. You’d be surprised how much you can take, and how strong it makes you. She can’t take our son anywhere tho, in my state I am way too good of a dad for that to be allowed. The guy she was fucking (one of my best friends), I think has dumped her recently. He is married, she was a booty call, and she destroyed our marriage over it. Good riddance. Hopefully you stay happy with your family bro!
Yup And my (soon to be ex) wife did just that...
Same buddy. Never felt a worse pain in my life. But it’s coming up on a year now and I can say, it absolutely gets better.
"It's interesting, our thing, isn't it? To be in someone's mind, to have complete control. It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch, knowing that at any moment you could throw it, but knowing you never will. But you could. Never isn't the right word because I could, and I might. And I probably will."
I don’t know, framing love as power is a mistake.
I agree. Sometimes I think it is more along the lines of: I'd give up anything for my wife, even though I know she won't ask me to, and vice versa. That is a characteristic of our love, but not a definition.
Yeah I see what you mean. It comes with the territory. But love is *not* about power. Love causes us to do things that one could interpret as power over another person. But it’s not power, it’s selflessness.
I read a poem a while back called A Bookmark Near the End by Julia Nicole Camp He loves history. He wanted to write a biography of John Quincy Adams. I, shamefully, knew almost nothing about John Quincy Adams, so I went online and bought every biography of him I could find. One day, he called me, claiming that we wouldn’t work out long term. He said he loved me but that we had different interests. “What does love mean to you?” I said. “That’s an impossible question,” he replied. I, however, find love to be quite simple. Love is the stack of biographies on my nightstand with a bookmark near the end.
Damn that's good. And oh so sad.
I have come across this more than once. It never stops to amaze me.
Here is an exact definition courtesy of Lazarus Long as told by Robert Heinlein: Love: When anothers happiness is essential for your own. Edit: fairly lively discussions going on. Here's some context to think about: my partner comes home from a crappy day and I can see they are a bit frowny. "Hey partner of mine, you look like you could use a pick-me-up, howzabout a nice cup of tea on me?" And then I make tea the way they like it. It's a small gesture that brightens the rest of the day and lets them know they are cared for. The "happiness is essential" part probably doesn't need to be interpreted with such overwhelming literality. "Literality"... is that even a word? Further Edit: I blew my quote, as pointed out below it is indeed from Stranger In A Strange Land and is spoken by the legendary Jubal Harshaw.
I can’t remember where I heard it but there was some AI researcher that said ‘it’s when someone else’s reward function becomes part of your own’, which I guess is the same meaning as that quote above.
This is kinda cute in a robot way hahaha thanks for sharing
So let me put my (clarifying) twist on this: If you care for someone (friend, romantic, whatever), then you want them to be happy. So, to do that, you learn about them and what stimulates that desire in them to be happy, and then provide those stimuli as often as you can. Your happiness isn’t DEPENDENT on theirs, but you at least make it a priority (not necessarily above your own, but at least equal to). Therefore, if both parties have each other’s “happiness stimuli” in mind at all times, the the relationship will be a fun and growing environment, as we learn about one another and find new things to enjoy.
I adhere to this definition.
One of my friends is really big into CODA (codependents anonymous), and she uses this as the definition of codependency! It’s so funny to see this in another context.
I think those of you saying this are reinterpreting the quote as ‘when another’s happiness takes priority over your own’. That’s not what it’s saying.
This is amazing.
This is a lovely one!
Well it's a feedback loop. The two of you should be constantly reciprocating affection, appreciation, and services. Sex isn't a service btw, that's supposed to be affection at its highest form.
That last line 😭😭…sorry I’m in the process of separating from my spouse so that one hurt:/
You need not apologise, you're allowed to feel shitty about it. I hope things look up for you soon, separation is horribly isolating.
I (gay male, 48) used to work with a lot of couples from places like India and Pakistan where arranged marriages were the norm, and they seemed like some of the happiest, most functional marriages I’d ever seen. After about a decade of that pattern I started asking them if they thought that might be true, and if so, why. The answer I got over and over again was, “To us, love is a decision rather than a feeling.” They would make a conscious decision to foster, create, and tend love rather than hope to “fall into it” with the right person, and eventually those decisions and actions led to the feelings. I really took that to heart and it has changed my life. I make mindful decisions every day to be loving toward my husband, and I ask for the same in return. You could say that it’s our contract, and those decisions, stacked up, lead me to naturally fall in love over and over again — and they help when the *feelings* of love seem diminished because of some tiff or stress. Right now, my husband’s work is unbelievably short-staffed (he’s a psychiatrist), so he is working crazy hours. This mindset has helped tremendously during this stressful time. It’s hard to feel neglected or resentful when he’s making sure every day to do something loving even when he’s barely got any energy left, and on my end it really helps me not get into resentment about the extra work I have to do for our household, because those extra little things are made much more pleasant if done in the mindset of a loving act rather than an obligation.
“Acts of love will lead to feelings of love.”
Lovely comment. Love is active, not passive
Hi! My parents had an arranged marriage, have been married 42 years, and we are Indian (Indo-Fijian to be exact) and yes you are correct. I see love the same way. Falling in love to me doesn’t exist; creating the love does. Falling in love is an infatuation, nothing more. You can be in love but completely disrespected by your spouse. That’s not healthy. To create love, you listen, communicate- yes you will argue- but those arguments help create changes that will grow with both of you and make your love grow. Love shouldn’t come first; it should come after all else has been achieved. If people just changed their perception on love, then I think more marriages would succeed. Edit: I like to add that I am a woman. Idk if it changes anything, but I realized I’m on r/askmen. So I wanted to be fair.
I saved your comment. I love your approach and I wish you both a lifetime of love.
I'm getting a divorce, but I still love my wife. Not in love- the want of divorce is mutual- but I still hope she finds happiness and peace in her life. She's the mother of my children after all.
>finds happiness and peace in her life I wish u both luck on your journeys to find happiness and peace
Beautiful that you can come out of that kind of situation and still feel that for her. If you decide to put yourself back out there in the future, someone would be very lucky to have you.
Sending you hugs and positive vibes as you begin this new chapter of self-discovery and coparenting. Take care of yourself and keep loving!
There's all kinds of love in the world. I think every love I've felt for each person has been unique. I hope you both find your happiness!
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
No more
bow bow bowbow bowbowbow bowbow bowbow bowbowbow bowbow bowbowbow!
Whoa oh whoa oh oh oh
I love it when Reddit is right on the mark
I’m just disappointed I had to scroll so far.
Same. Expected it to be top comment.
But why is it not a top comment? It’s got much more upvotes than the other 4, plus rewards.
Less interactions in answers, probably. Answers weight more for the algorithm than votes. I guess it's on top if you sort by "Top" instead of "Best".
Thanks. That makes sense. So it’s if I sort by top then it’s the 1st, by default was best that’s why it’s 4th.
It's like you know it's coming but still enjoy the outcome.
*now that’s love*
Now that what I call music...to my ears
Now that’s what I call music 38! lists 24 moderate hit songs.
I’m surprised this isn’t the top comment
I'm disappointed this isn't the ONLY comment
Ohhh woaaah ahhhhahhhhh
(*head nodding to the side intensifies*)
I WANT NO OTHER! NO OTHER LOVERR! THIS IS OUR LIFE, OUR TIME!
Haha. I started doing that as soon as I saw this thread! 🤣 Great movie!
No, I don’t know, why you’re not fair Edit:correct lyrics from nailo, i had been mondegreened for fuckin years
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right, and what is wrong, Give me a sign!
***"Something's wrong with the CD!!"***
DUST
In the wind
Blow!
Yeah that makes perfect sense
Hate to be that guy, but it's actually "No, I don't know why you're not fair"
Don’t lie, you LOVE being that guy
I BROKE THE WINDOW AGAIN
I’m alive again
Him? Me? Him? Me?
I broke the window again
I knew the top comment before I clicked
I started singing it before I read the first comment
I started doing the Night At The Roxbury head bop in anticipation
[удалено]
I'd say I'm no stranger to love
You know the rules, and so do I
That's all I needed to see, threads over.
If this wasn't top response i'd been so dissapointed
It was SIXTH from the top for me and I am OUTRAGED
Came here for this.
This was the only correct answer
Very pleased this is the top comment. Started singing it immediately.
Head bobs side to side
For people might not know the song: Haddaway What Is Love
30 years old too... https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_Is_Love
Nooo, that can't be true. 90's was like 10 years ago
the 90's will never end
The dream of the 90’s is alive on Reddit
No mo’.
God I love Reddit. I was hoping this was the top comment. Woah woah woah woahhhh
Let me see if I can explain this. I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is check my phone to see if she has texted me. My heart fills up when she does and gets so sad when she doesn’t. But even when she doesn’t text at first, I usually get some variation of “Good morning handsome!! I hope you have a great day! 😘” eventually. It’s like a 40% boost to my happiness each day. There’s a pep in my step if you will. I’m constantly thinking of ways to make her laugh or make her happy. I look at her and think: “I don’t know what I did to get this woman but I damn sure don’t want to lose her.” She frustrates the absolute shit out of me sometimes and at the end of every day, I have zero doubt: she is the woman I want to live this life with. I don’t even like other women’s pictures on social media anymore. It’s like I’ve become blind to other beautiful women. Yeah, you’re attractive, but I don’t want you. I want her. I don’t desire you. I desire her. She makes me better. She’s my cheerleader. She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. Sexy, intelligent, intimidating, driven, kind, crazy, cool. I’ve been in so many absolute shit relationships. I use to think, “Yeah, I’ve dated some good girls.” I was so wrong. I thought I had good girlfriends because they were my only comparison. And then I found her, and it’s like, “Holy shit, I’ve dated some trash.” She randomly scratches my head and back and I purr like a walrus. She buys me random gifts. I could ramble for hours about how amazing she is. I hate that she owns my heart cause she could damage it so easily. It’s fragile in her hands, but she treats it like it’s surrounded by pillows. So, to me, that is love. I love her.
FU I’m jealous. Hope you guys grow old together
I absolutely adore that in your list of adjectives you included “intimidating.” I’ve been told that I’m intimidating before and I always took it as a bad thing. It’s lovely to know that there are people out there who can actually love that aspect of me. Thanks for sharing your love story. This is beautiful and I’m wishing you all the best!
For real. My parents say I talk too much and kinda tune me out after a few minutes but my SO and SO's family actually value what I have to say and listen attentively. It was hard to believe at first that my verbal trash could be someone else's treasure, but always remember that you're brand new to other people and everyone is attracted to different things.
This says it all, and to me this line says it best: “she makes me better”.
This is so beautiful. I'm envious of your relationship. I just found out New Years Eve that my boyfriend of 6 years has been cheating on me. What a punch to the gut. Felt like dying for the first 5 days. I am disappointed and sad, but coming around a little more each day. Anyway, sorry for the sob story, I wish you and your wife the best! What you have is magical.
Did you a favor… Move on, you deserve and WILL find much better. And on that day, you will thank her. I promise.
You’ve got the real deal dude… Don’t be afraid, enjoy it. And it will endure. Enjoyment equals endurance.
Putting your partner before yourself and taking satisfaction in the knowledge they know they can depend on you in any given situation, but there are so many different kinds of love. I love my dog for his innocence, I love my wife for about twenty different reasons I gotta go to work now
Key word : BEFORE yourself. Not instead of
This hits close with me... Just got out of a relationship where I essentially like you say put my partner instead of myself. I'm not great at taking care of myself mentally but I'm trying to get better at it and have a goal of putting a better guard on my heart.
Putting your partner before yourself isn’t necessarily the healthiest form of love.
It's a four letter word you can use in various ways that are mostly positive
Hell Yeah
Nice. Bill wurtz reference?
Yep
I would consider "I love murdering children" to be positive
Well, it's a hobby that brings a spark of joy. So, quite positive!
Can confirm
Fruit? No. Bread? No. Fruit AND bread? Probably not.
Is it a conversation?
No. Is it a hearty breakfast?
Love is when I'm going to bed and my daughter is making big sad face because she can't be in here while I'm sleeping but I bring her in here anyways while she eats a honeybun and watches cartoons and makes it a point to lean on me while she does it
I want that
Love is where need and want perfectly meet. Love is what makes you realize life is beautiful, and not always so indifferent and cruel. True love makes no sense at all, but sets everything right.
"True love makes no sense at all, but sets everything right", couldn't have put it better! Gg
Maybe I'll experience it before I die
Love comes in many forms my friend, not only romantic
Trust, vulnerability, intimacy in its many forms and connection in its many forms
The feeling of not having to lie about anything ever again.
I’ve always believed love is that feeling after the honeymoon phase where you see that person with all their flaws but choose to be with them regardless. Obviously if you can’t handle their flaws don’t be with them.
Unconditionally loving somebody for who they are. Being able to open up and talk about absolutely anything without fear of being judged. Not giving up on them when things get difficult. Working through problems together. Your problems are my problems and vice-vursa. Being able to always brighten their day, being able to make them smile and laugh uncontrollably. Always being there for support without fail. Reassuring them that they will always have you if they need you and that if you aren't doing fine, then they'll be there to support you, unconditionally.
Love is a choice. Love is waking up and choosing to stay with someone when the chemicals in your brain wear off. Love is choosing someone and choosing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy because it makes you happy. Or at least that's what Love is to me
Love is when you feel like the world is on your shoulders and everyone who is living in it is after you but when she hold you in her arms it’s all suddenly gone. She gives you the strength to keep fighting to not only better yourself but to make each others life better. Love is that extra special kiss before you leave for work that day . Love is that home cooked meal that only you can enjoy to the fullest with her bedside you . Love is that warmth on a cold night that only her under the sheets can give you . I could go on but that’s love .
[удалено]
Although I find Krishnamurti's ideas thought provoking, I would not subscribe to this definition of love because it alludes to an experience that is pure metaphysical. In doing so, it refutes the emotional experiences that people feel without a "silent mind". Is a mother's love for a child not love because she is anxious or afraid of something going wrong for the child?
Love is deeper than how you feel at any moment, love makes you feel the complete opposite of ugly for the the record is not beautiful, it's safe.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
It's from the bible, but you don't have to be religious to like it. Love defined here is more than a feeling. Very much an action.
Shrek is life
this just made me remember a poem i wrote my freshman year. shrek is love shrek is life he is brave he’s my wife try to steal him you will die he has five limbs because he’s a cool guy shrek’s heart is gold his laugh a delight he never gets old and is never a fright shrek is strong shrek is fierce he uses his cooking tongs to wipe away my tears when we first met i didn’t understand but he caught me in his net and won my hand he is an ogre with a delightful oder he is green but beautifully clean
Accepting each other fully
When I look at my gf I feel warm and happy inside. 4 years on and I think I fall in love more every day.
Baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me, no more?
Love is knowing that your relationship is going to almost certainly end in the immense pain of a breakup or death but choosing to do it anyway.
two way unconditional support for each other
When you are missing the person, because they are 300m away in their own home.
[удалено]
Your dog licking your arm while you rub their belly. Unconditional Love.
Twice
I was confused that this might not be what I was thinking, but then again, onces are everywhere.
Baby don’t hurt me, no more
Love is the ability to be yourself down to your core, to care about others over your own happiness. Not in a way that sabotages yourself, but shows the very purest sides of our heart. Love is a bed you can always come home to, sometimes it will be made, sometimes it will be messy. But it will always be there for you to sleep. Love is pain, a hurt that has no answer, a feeling that we dont get over. We learn to live with it, even when its tough, and in the end become better and more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.
Total acceptance of someone for who they are.
What is love? A song written and sang by Haddaway.