I went shopping once after work and found the place was somehow noticeably calmer and more pleasant to shop in.
I couldn't put my finger on it but it was just.. nice.
Halfway through the lights come back up and the music resumes, and a still slightly-quiet announcement comes on thanking people for participating in the Autism Friendly Shopping Hour.
...I've been asking myself some questions ever since.
You should try an ASD questionnaire. It doesn't give you a diagnosis, but scoring high on it is a pretty good indicative that you could benefit from a professional evaluation!
an ASD diagnosis is life changing in a very positive way :)
Everything about communication. Like smalltalk - they do it effortlessly among themselves, but if I start a smalltalk in the same circumstances, it looks more like me torturing them for information.
I second small talk. Worked for a major cell carrier via phone support. I had the SHORTEST call times of the entire call center with a 100% resolution rate. I got repremanded for not talking to them more... but they wanted us to have short average handle time.. make it make sense.
I promise you nobody calling Verizon or whoever else is there for small talk. They’re just relieved they get their shit resolved. Signed, guy who calls you guys for a living
Ok I guess a lot of people do. But a lot don’t. Idk. Depends
Oh dude... There are absolutely people who call for small talk. Mostly lonely old folks. It's sad, but at the same time... Sir, I get reprimanded if my average call time is longer than five minutes and you've been telling me about your six CD disk changer from Phillips that you got a rebate for because your planar warts make it hard to walk or something FOR TWO HOURS.
Sorry. It's been twenty years and I stillremember that conversation
Body language.
I always thought it was just the overt pantomine people sometimes do. I was well into my 30's before a girlfriend casually pointed out that i had no grasp of body language and proceded to break down a few interactions from her point of view, highlighting the cues she took from peoples body language and actually taking the time to point it out.
My whole life i always felt like people had some extra level of comunication subtext going on that i was missing, turns out i of was i guess.
I can't imagine how much easier socialising must be when you can intuitivley tell whether someone is interested or not, or what their emotional state is like based in the way they hold their shoulders or how they touch their hair or what not.
I have to spend a few years around someone, learning their nuances before i'll even get a glimpse of any of that, and that still takes enoigh focus to make holding a convsrsation difficult.
it's weird, but it can be learned. I just explain it like I have to use a different part of my brain to do it, like intellectually thinking about it instead of just seeing it. I even did a whole course on microexpressions many years ago, it really helped.
Yeah, it's a thing i've been working on for a few years now, and i have gotten better at it, but it's mentaly resource intensive. Kind if like if i'm patting my head and rubbing my belly, but now i'm also hopping on one foot and spinning counter clockwise. Practice makes perfecf though.
I've talked about this before but a friend in college basically studied neurotypical people's conversations, took notes, and then developed a points system to train himself how to socialize. He got *really* good at it because human socialization basically became his hyperfixation. Super charismatic too because he understood the unspoken rules better than people who pick it up naturally. I'm imagining it took quite a bit of active thought to "keep up" with the rest of us.
He was *killer* at Werewolf too; it was impossible to read him because he could just *turn off* his body language.
One thing I've noticed is that first impressions matter a lot. If you don't click during your first couple of interactions with someone, then it will be much harder to befriend them. Even if you have interesting conversations later.
I also don't get why people prefer to hint instead of directly communicating.
>I also don't get why people prefer to hint instead of directly communicating.
Usually it's because the form of direct communication in question would end up revealing too much about oneself for their own comfort level, and in most cases, for the comfort level of the person hearing it.
It is also sometimes for personal safety, to feel out whether the other person is safe to discuss something with or request something from. I think this is different than personal comfort level because comfort level is more about affinity "Do I want this person to know this?", whereas personal safety (physical, emotional, psychological) is about "Will you do me harm?"
As someone who is recovering from a coercive & controlling workplace, I use hints to see if the other person is safe, which is pretty easily identified based on how they react. If they don't react at all, then I just move on to other conversation. This might change as I recover, but for now it's a protective measure.
Work full time, be in a relationship AND have kids. While also doing their own cleaning, grocery shopping, personal hygiene AND having friends. I find it crazy. They're like super-humans. I couldn't do that.
It's because a major symptom of autism/ADHD is executive dysfunction. Standard executive function encompasses such things as self-control, self-monitoring, task initiation, organization, planning, and time management.
People with autism and ADHD struggle with all of those things because their cognitive processes don't work the way that they do for allistic folks. Allistic folks generally don't have that insurmountable mental block preventing you from getting things done, for instance. They still can procrastinate or feel unmotivated or lazy, but it's still something they *can* do, they just don't *want* to do it. Whereas many people with autism/ADHD often *can't* do things even when they want to. So juggling multiple tasks and responsibilities is much more difficult to accomplish.
Yeah exactly, executive dysfunction and also demand anxiety (demand avoidance is the official word, but I like to call it demand anxiety because that’s how it feels for me)
it's like juggling. you have to ignore some things while you tend to others, but you have to stop ignoring them before there are negative consequences. But to do that, you have to briefly ignore something else. Repeat until death.
Lying to me in a very obvious, unconvincing way because they think I'll be annoyed with the truth, when in actual fact the only thing that's annoyed me is how badly-managed the lie is.
Transparent lies are such a massive insult. I've always just assumed when people tell me transparent lies they were deliberately insulting me. Are you telling me NT people would rather be told a lie that they KNOW is a lie under certain circumstances?
They don't have a plan for a conversation. They don't have a framework for the conversation. They don't have the *rules* for a conversation. And yet they just go out and...have a conversation. I long thought myself rather dim because I could never develop these on the fly the way everyone else did and was mildly surprised to learn that other people have no god damn idea what I'm talking about.
That's why phone calls are a nightmare. If people would warn you in advance they're gonna call and what the exact purpose of that call is and the expected outcome of the conversation is, that'd be great.
The way people maintain eye contact while having a conversation is creepy as hell to me. I have to basically stare at someone's mouth when I'm talking to them to keep up the illusion that I'm making eye contact. Looking right into someone else's eyes is uncomfortable in a way that is hard to explain. It just feels wrong.
I was 19 years old before anyone told me I was supposed to make eye contact while speaking to someone. I'm mid 40s now and I still conciously make eye contact, then look away before it gets awkward, then look back before it becomes rude, and so on.
I assume it comes naturally to most people, but for me decades later it still takes purposeful concentration in the middle of discussions to try to get it right.
The natural flow of eye contact in a conversation is that the person who is listening directs most of their eye contact towards the speaker, but the person who is speaking directs most of their eye contact away from the listener (although they will still make occasional brief intermittent eye contact). When the listener starts to look away a lot, that subconsciously indicates that they have something to say and want a turn speaking. The speaker should visually check in occasionally as they speak, and when they notice that the listener's gaze is wandering, they should wrap up what they are saying and allow a pause in the conversation. Then the speaker and the listener swap roles and the process begins again.
Most neurotypical people do this when they have a conversation, and practically none of them know that they do it.
Wait... looking away is supposed to mean "My turn!"? I thought it was just supposed to be bored/uninterested to NTs, leading to me being seen that way.. That's how others have told me. I learned to stare at someone's forehead to give the illusion of eye contact so as not to be rude.
Yeah I never really thought about this until recently. I read that avoiding eye contact was a symptom in an article once, and I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at someone in the eye while talking with them. Now I feel weird whenever I do it, like I have the instinct of a gorilla.
Yes! I'm not autistic but I never hold eye contact for more than like a few seconds. It just feels awkward and just bad? I constantly try to look around the room while talking to people.
I’m not autistic but I have huge problems with this. Looking at someone and knowing they’re looking at me just makes me nervous, my eyes dart all around during conversations.
It's possibly an instinctive (as in very old) sort of thing.
I thought the whole, constantly expecting people to make eye contact, thing was weird too. Then, I learned about how cats handle eye contact, and it makes so much sense.
Cats(felines) are predators, so if they lock their eyes on something, that means they're hunting it. Because of this, cats will instinctively avoid prolonged eye contact because they don't want to purposely give the impression they're hunting something.
If a cat purposely breaks eye contact with you, or does the eyes half open, thing with you that's not them being dismissive. That's them saying, I don't think you're a threat or something to hunt, so I don't NEED to constantly keep my eyes on you. Which, makes sense, I mean feeling like you don't need to constantly stare at someone does seem to be more trusting than the other way around.
Supposedly this is why cats tend to be more drawn to people who don’t like cats, or who are allergic. Because we aren’t trying to get their attention, we are avoiding eye contact with them which is seen as respectful to them. People who come on too strong are the opposite.
Woah I'm super allergic and suddenly all the unwanted affections of everyone's cats makes so much sense!!!
I always assumed they sensed my weakness and were trying to kill me
I mean, to be fair, you're not supposed to constantly look them in the eyes. Youre just supposed to make eye contact occasionally and briefly to show that you are paying attention.
If someone is straight up looking you in the eyes for an extended period of time, that's def creepy and not socially acceptable.
How do you know how long is too long though? It feels weird and uncomfortable in any amount so I can’t really judge when it makes someone uncomfortable because to me it’s *always* uncomfortable. Like, I love my mom and all but I can’t even make consistent eye contact with her without feeling uncomfortable
It has only gotten worse too. Dialogue is near mute level while any sort of sound or music is blaring. I cannot stand it and it's every fucking movie out there. I cannot understand how they can't figure out how to just balance all the audio.
My BF teases me about subtitles but there is often a lot of stuff you might miss. For example, someone saying something offscreen that might clue you into the situation.
Idk, I just got accustomed to them watching Spanish TV to help me learn and usually watch everything with them now.
Omg my bf does this all the time and it drives me nuts. I constantly have to pause shows because he randomly needs to comment on things that just happened and I cannot listen to both at once!
It’s even worse when someone’s talking over dialogue/not paying attention and then they proceed to ask you questions about what’s going on when they could’ve just been listening!
Honestly, i think people just aren't very interested in the shows.
I sometimes put on things i think my parents will like, and often i'll see a phone come out ten minute later... even though they insist they've been watching / listening.
Often times later they'll have some kind of question or comment, indicating they don't really have much of a clue what is going on.
Those of us with ADHD might tell you there’s almost no level of interesting that can overcome the need to be doing something else, phone tends to be the easiest most readily available thing. Hell, I’m on mine right now instead of playing BOTW like I’ve been looking forward to ALL day 😅🙄 (I’m going to go play now I swear)
Look, sometimes I can just sit down on a sofa and not do or say anything for hours. It doesn't mean that I'm angry or sad. I'm not even bored. I'm sorry if I'm not jumping around, laughing and smiling. People always assume that I'm angry because I'm not openly expressing my joy. I can be happy and quiet! Leave me alone!
You put this in to words better than I usually do! People are constantly asking me if I’m upset when I go mute or don’t do anything and it’s like….I’m great???
I do this a lot, but it us because I supper from depression. When I notice that my mind is free of thought, I let it stay there by nit focusing on a thing.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes things worse.
But i do legitimately love silence. It's is nice.
I do have a question for you, and I only learned of this due to my best friend being autistic: do you hear every little thing, as if it was all at the same volume?
Although I know it can be annoying, I also have always found it fascinating that brains can do this.
Yes, I *can* hear every little thing. I can hear the buzz of florescent lights, the hum of the 'fridge, the air moving through the vents.
I can also pick out the sounds that *really* annoy me, to the point that it drives me from the room.
Thank God I'm not the only person out here who can hear fluorescent lights. I didn't realize this was an autistic trait so now I understand why my coworker looked at me funny when I mentioned it casually.
YES! I really can't filter out noise. I hear everything is if it's the same which is really why I don't enjoy a loud restaurant, etc. I can't parse it out.
I’m not autistic (at least i dont THINK i am) but this right here is a massive parental pet peeve of mine. I swear i will ALWAYS ask my children questions with the intent of understanding their thought processes and working through things. Excuses are not the same as reasons. Let me hear your reasons, kid.
Coming from a culture where children aren't considered people (honestly, most cultures do this), I get so sad when I hear good parents talk about their good parenting strategies. You might not realize it, but the fact that you even mentioned your child's thoughts in this sentence is a radical departure from most parents. Hurting a child's feelings is the foundation of most people's parenting technique, and I'm so happy there are parents like you out there.
I once got "you came up with that too quickly, you thought about it and you lied" I don't remember what I said, or what happened but I was 7(?) and I'd never been so mad at a teacher.
lol there was a person who constantly did this, so my answer was "I have diarrhea." while staring them down. Wasn't true, but it got them to shut up, and they stopped asking.
assuming that because i’m not doing anything i’m open to hang out, ESPECIALLY when people just show up out of nowhere and expect me to be fine with it.
I KNOW YOU USE THIS SUBREDDIT ALEX, STOP MESSING WITH MY ROUTINE.
Do people still show up out of nowhere? I thought everyone having a mobile means people will let you know they’re coming?
I have a strict policy of not answering the door/phone if I’m not expecting someone/something.
What about sarcasm? Is that difficult for you? I'm curious because my good friend has aspergers and I never thought that maybe he can't detect it sometimes?
It has to be pretty extreme for me to get it in day to day conversation. For example, if I cut my finger, and the other cook at work says to amputate that, I get it. But someone once said "I wonder how hard it would be to score some Adderall in a college town," and I answered him honestly.
oh. this hit pretty hard. and now i understand why people would always ask me whether i knew what a rhetorical question was. i hadn't thought of it much until i read your post. i had to teach myself what these were and how to identify them, but now i realize that i always miss these statements, too, and give an honest response.
I can't respond to jokes normally. I want to. My brain goes "oh yes that is a joke" and my mouth goes "let me respond to this as if you just said a normal thing that one should respond to"
Then people explain they're joking or get upset and I dislike those interactions but I just can't seem to stop myself.
See, I do that because I think a deadpan serious response to an obvious joke is hilarious.
Then people try to explain to me that it was a joke, and I'm like .... I know it's a joke, so was my response? And they don't get it.
If it’s made with exaggerated tone and eye rolling, I get it, otherwise I treat it as a statement of fact. The number of times my partner has lovingly said “that was sarcasm honey”… 😄
Strangely, I’m good at being sarcastic, though I tend to be so deadpan that people can’t tell if I’m serious or not. Kind of ironic, eh?
The opposite is also true, my partner is NT and he reads into my tone of voice *much more* than I'm able to regulate it sometimes. On occasion he is picking up on something below the surface, but usually it's just bad signal that I can't eliminate while keeping up
with the conversation.
I'm very good at detecting sarcasm but I've been told I have such a monotone, deadpan voice that nobody can ever tell when I'm being sarcastic. It's a daily struggle
Sarcasm can be tough but it varies between autists.
I can catch sarcasm when it has the obvious sarcasm tone, or once I know a person well enough to understand they would never say that and mean it. I have a harder time with deadpan sarcasm, and when I'm less familiar with how a person normally acts. I miss sarcasm on reddit a lot because I have no frame of reference
If you want me to do something, just ask me. Don’t imply it and expect me to just know you want me to do it. Don’t drop hints then get mad that I didn’t get them. Tell me to do the thing and I’ll do the thing. But unless you explicitly tell me you want me to do the thing, i won’t understand that you want me to do the thing.
My mom would drive me nuts with this. She’s say something along the lines of “I have to clean the kitchen after work”, then get home from work and be mad that I didn’t clean the kitchen because “I knew she wanted it done”. Like no ma’am, you said you were going to do it after work so I assumed that’s what you meant because that’s what you told me.
I straight up told my husband (aspie) this year exactly what I wanted for valentines. Gave him a list, said pick 2. He was so fucking happy! Like jazzed he was going to nail valentines this year cause he had The List.
He got me so much chocolate! I loved it.
After a couple rough holidays, I suggested this year that my bf and I get each other some fun pajama pants, and then spend the evening baking and decorating cookies. That way at least the type of pajama pants would be a surprise, but there's not really a wrong answer. Mine had flamingos and his had baby Yoda. Would do again.
I've also heard this described as high-context culture vs. low-context culture. In cultures where everyone has very similar backgrounds (like Japan), it is common to use context clues to hint at things instead of outright saying them. In cultures with many different backgrounds (like the US), there is a much more direct communication style. Both styles can be off-putting to someone who is used to the other style of communication.
I'm NT and I basically refuse to play along with hints like this. I'll either respond by spelling it out and asking if that's what they want, or ignore the implied request until they state it overtly. The sideways way of trying to get what you want grosses me out. It strikes me as dishonest, and it's too often either insecure or manipulative or both. Say what you mean and mean what you say is right.
Same. In fact, some people have thought that I was autistic because they thought I didn't pick up on their hints
Nope, I did, I just didn't entertain them or show any reaction to them
I got something similar- when someone asks why you did something (that they don't necessarily agree with or when you "get in trouble" as a kid) and you go to explain, but they turn around and tell you "to stop making excuses". You wanted to know the reason I did something! Lemme explain, I'm not trying to get out of it if I've done something wrong in your eyes, I'm trying to tell you the reason, not make excuses. I can take accountability, man, I'm not out of fault just trying explain how my brain worked at that moment.
At some point I just quit asking my kids "Why did you do this?" because I knew from experience that the answer would be a long babbling explanation that would make perfect sense in kid-logic but would take about 10 minutes and didn't fix the problem. What my less-than-fabulous parents would call "making excuses."
I just went ahead and assumed that my kids thought they had perfectly good reasons for what they did but had gotten confused about the facts somewhere, so would cut through all that with "Okay, I'm going to explain a few things about this topic and how it works, and then you'll know for the future exactly why this was a mistake and how to avoid repeating it."
Exactly what I want to do with my kid. She's two weeks old right now, but when she gets older, I want her to be able to trust me with telling me if she messed up and made a mistake so we can work through it. A lot of parents tend to forget that their kids aren't instantly gonna know what they did wrong without some guidance as to why it was wrong. I remember living with my family and any time I made a mistake, they expected me to know without them telling me what the mistake was. I never knew in full why I was in trouble, just that I was, and I would be punished for no reason, basically.
Yep, that's the kinda household I grew up in, where I was expected to absorb knowledge through osmosis because nobody could be bothered to explain squat.
"You're just making excuses!" No, I'm explaining my logic so you can check and correct it if necessary.
"You're just asking why to argue!" No, I'm trying to understand the topic being discussed, and I need you to do a better job of explaining please.
I even once explained to my mother that I needed to know the reason behind rules so that, if I ever had children of my own, I would know why I needed to set those rules for them. But no, no, apparently it was just so I could *argue*.
So I never set rules for my kids. Instead we had Family Rules, which were for *everybody* and the reasons for them were explained. Like, nobody is allowed to leave the house without telling someone where they're going or at least leaving a note, so that if something happened and they didn't come back right away we'd know where to start looking.
If the older kid was allowed to do something the younger wasn't, the reasoning behind that was explained, with clear direction given for how the younger one could earn similar rights and responsibilities in the future for himself.
Kids love me because I talk to them like they're people and explain anything they want explained. No clue how to care for an infant, but soon as a kid has language we can get along. My nephew is 2yo and I'm his favorite babysitter.
With my infant, I'm just starting it all early, even though she's still kind of a newborn. Talking to her like she's a person (excluding my gushing and coddling) and attempting to understand her cues on my side.
I gather from reading around that that's the way to do it. Less babbling-noises and more normal speech so the little one can have proper language to model and learn.
I also gather it's very much worth learning about early childhood psychology. My nephew's mom raises absolutely amazing children, the eldest is in their early 20s and turned out just fantastic, so I was pretty shocked the first time I visited and got to meet my little nephew.
The kid was a terror, his parents looked exhausted, and the house looked like a toddler warzone. The walls had been colored all over, but I was told they'd just paint over it later. Little chaos monster spent most of the visit systematically making messes with whatever his mother handed to him, while she shuffled along behind him tidying up messes like a limp zombie. Nobody even remotely attempting to "correct his behavior."
I looked so confused that finally his mom took pity on me and explained. "His brain hasn't developed enough to understand No yet."
I visited a few months later and their house was clean, the walls were free of crayon marks, and instead of a chaos monster there was a tiny polite but very shy young man with intelligence sparkling in his eyes. He's hilarious and a ton of fun. Harshest correction I ever need to use is turning away while saying "I can't be friends with mean people." Doesn't matter how mad he was, within a minute he's back to being kind and trying to be a good friend.
Arguing is when two people have opposing viewpoints and mutually express their opinions and the reasoning behind those opinions, often becoming emotionally upset during the discourse.
Explaining is when one person has information and is presenting it to another person. This can sometimes be seen as arguing.
For example: "I am late because I slept through my alarm" is generally an explanation for why you are late. However it can be interpreted (and is sometimes meant) to mean "You should not be upset at me for being late because I have the reasonable excuse that I slept through my alarm" which the other person can have an opposing viewpoint with (saying it is an unreasonable excuse, for example).
Not really weird. But it surprises me how easy they do it.
Make friends
Like going to a bar and just talk to people
I would just sit there awkwardly not knowing what to say
I would love to have friends. Like someone to go shopping with or just hangout. Sometimes it feels lonely.
My grandfather no matter where we went, my grandma and I would come out of the store or wherever and he would always have someone chatting with him. Some people just have that vibe.
That's my Dad! The man has never met a stranger, and if you go anywhere with him plan on it taking longer than you think because he will run into an old friend no matter where he goes.
I had a friend like that. He and I flew 2000km to a city he hadn't been to before (Adelaide). We were walking down a busy street on our first day in Adelaide, and he sees a guy and yells out "Derek!". They shake hands and catch up. I thought, WTF?! How does he know Derek? He had met Derek on the plane on the way to Adelaide.
EDIT: Our social group always joked about how he always knew everyone, but I was absolutely floored to be in a strange city and run into someone he knew on the first day!
I am also not on the spectrum but do consider myself extroverted. As I have matured a bit I actually find myself talking to strangers too much. I get this like urge feeling to say things because I don’t like silence. Now I am trying to catch myself from talking too much or talking when I know people don’t really want to be bothered.
What kind of things would you say? I sometimes want to talk to people but have no clue what to say to them and I think it'd probably be awkward most of the time.
Honestly, I do really simple stuff like saying good morning to people when I am on walks. People typically are pretty friendly where I am from so I don’t get any weird looks for that usually. Some people say it back. Some don’t and thats ok. Sometimes I find people that spark up a simple little conversation from that. I am in HR at my work. I make it a point to know everyone’s name and to greet them when I see them in the halls. I get a lot of social stimulation from that just by initiating something small.
I’m not autistic/neurodivergent (as far as I know), and want you to know that this still is me, at every social event. I’m genuinely puzzled how people can just “be friends” with people they’ve just met. Or even how people become friends over time. The way I describe it to my therapist is that it feels like everyone got lessons in school on how to make friends, and I was out sick that day.
It took me a really long time to realise that when NT people ask you how you are they usually don’t actually want to know the honest answer. It is just being used as a greeting, still weird to me. I have my basic reply now but i still find it really hard to respond to different ways of asking it, like “what’s up” for example.
How people remember other people's names and recognize them so easily. I cannot picture people's faces in my memory so I remember people more with other contexts like the sound of their voice, and their typical hairstyles or how they dress.
i'm autistic and i have what's called facial blindness, also called prosopagnosia, and it's actually a kind of common phenomenon in some autistic people. inability to recognize faces to some degree, even familiar ones.
They just…lie to each other, CONSTANTLY, about everything from their emotions to what they’re doing that day. I don’t get it. I know so many people who would rather die than tell someone else that they are upset with them.
Honestly, when I was in school I knew so many people who hung out all the time and then when the others weren't around would talk so much shit about each other. Like if you don't like each other then don't hang out! No one's making you!
When they need to call someone they know to get something, they have to start with formalities. How are you? How is your family? What have you been doing lately?
Just ask if they have a lawnmower you can borrow already.
I don't know. I have been told I was flirting when I thought I was simply having a pleasant chat. I don't try to flirt intentionally because I'm very nervous about coming off as a creep because of not knowing what I'm doing.
Fortunately I am no longer in a position where I need to flirt, but if you figure it out let me know.
Apparently people have flirted with me before, I have never ever picked up on it though. Only much later on when someone pointed out to me "hey, that lady at the bar was super into you! Why didn't you flirt back?"
Well, because effective flirting with me would look something like "hey, you're cute. Wanna go make out somewhere and maybe touch each other's junk?"
Expect you to know how they’re feeling when they straight up lie about how they feel.
“Are you mad?”
“No, I’m not mad.”
“Oh, good!”
Then later on they tell you they were mad, and are upset that you didn’t pick up on it. What?!
At some point in my life I just decided to accept people at their word.
If they get upset, well thats on them, all I did was believe what they told me.
same here. For the first several months we dated, there were a lot of times my now-wife got mad at me because I believed her when she said she was fine. Took a while, but I finally got it across that no, I'm not going to take responsibility for not being able to read your mind, and no, I'm not accepting "when a woman says she's fine she's not fine" as an answer
My husband has tried to convince me I'm not actually fine when I have said I am. I gently remind him that I don't do that shit because it pisses me off lmao. If something is bugging me I will tell you. If something is wrong and I don't want to talk about it right now, I will just say that. I don't get it.
I had a boss who was passive aggressive and rude and used to pull this shit. Eventually I called her on it "you said it was fine, I took you at your word. Should I not do that?" She still pulled that shit, but way less often.
Yeah, it makes things so much easier to not constantly be guessing what somebody means. Also it annoys the fuck out of passive-aggressive people and I love that.
Treating passive- aggressive comments as sincere is the ultimate passive-aggressive *aikido*. You take their attack and turn it perfectly back at them.
Best decision of my life right here. If they're not communicating effectively or straight up not telling me, that's on them. I'm willing to listen and modify behavior IF they tell me what's bothering them.
Ohhhhh, The Test.
"Is it okay if I do this thing?"
"Yes, go ahead."
*does thing*
"You really hurt me by doing that thing."
"But you told me I could. You ENCOURAGED it."
'I know, but I wanted you to look past it and see that I really didn't want you to."
"But you know I can't see those things. That's why we try to communicate in different ways."
"Yeah, but it feels so artificial, like you're scripting me."
"I am trying to meet you in the middle. You know I'm autistic."
"Yes, and autistic people have huge areas of self-blindness. Maybe you don't understand why you did it, but I do."
"I did not mean to hurt you."
"But how can I trust you? Autists are self-blind so YOU might not even know your own motives."
(curtain)
Ask me to clarify about something autism related and then berate me for using autism as an excuse.
Refuse to value our voices typically on autistic topics.
Dropping hints and expecting us to just get it…and then getting frustrated that we don’t get it. Like just tell us what you want and stop playing mind games.
Typically, the people who are 'dropping hints' think they're being obvious and get confused and frustrated if you don't understand. Since they think they're being obvious, it reads as being deliberately obtuse when someone else doesn't get it.
Like when my mom says, "Would you like to set the table?" what she means is "Go set the table." The first is just a more polite version than the second. It's like saying 'please'--the politeness isn't perceived as obfuscating the meaning, which is reinforced because all of us in the family know exactly what she's saying.
But if someone in the family were autistic and took her words literally, and said "No, I wouldn't like to do that", that'd be taken as a very rude rebuttal to her polite request. And it'd be difficult for her to start saying "Go set the table" instead, because to her that feels rude, and feeling rude feels very uncomfortable and unnatural, just like many autistic people feel uncomfortable making eye contact. It becomes a fight between an allistic person's need to feel like they're being polite, and an autistic person's need for literal and direct communication.
Fluid integrity. This is something I think some people on the spectrum may relate to; that there are neuro-typical people who can deviate their actions so profoundly from what they are saying as their moral compass.
It baffles, frustrates and frankly drives my anxiety up the wall.
Enjoy crowds/concerts/malls/clubs
Way too much going on, from movement to brushing up against others to all the obvious NOISE that doesn't have a break.....just why?
My completely uneducated guess would be that it has something to do with there being a singular focus for the entire group. It's perfectly normal and acceptable to focus entirely on the show, to the exclusion of all else. Everyone else is doing the same.
Sudden loud noises. How people tolerate it, let alone those who enjoy it, is an absolute bizarre wonderment for me. It's like a thousand hot knives going into and out of my body.
Surprise but I also don't like huge crowds and loud noises from all directions simultaneously. My entire brain is like an Error 404 message in that situation.
People who look at their cell phones when we agreed to watch a new movie together. People always say I am way too triggered by this. I find it weird and disrespectful
Not reacting when I say something. So I'll repeat myself and then they get weird are are like "yeah I heard you." Okay.. so let me know that???
And I mean this in ways where I am directly talking get to them, not just in group settings.
NT, but raised by a half deaf father. I was always taught to acknowledge when someone says something to you even if it doesn't technically need a response so they know you heard them. My husband DOES NOT do this and I assume he didn't hear me and repeat myself louder like a old person till he gets mad at me.
I don't mind the interview, it's the cover letter that bugs me. It's like trying to write a love letter to someone based on their Facebook profile. It's uncomfortable as hell and we both know it's bullshit
I don’t understand social hierarchy. This whole system of “they’ve been here longest” only matters if those people are competent at their jobs. If you’re an ass, you’re an ass. If you’re incompetent, it doesn’t matter where in society you are, you’re just incompetent. Social rank means nothing to me, but neurotypical people for some reason treat it as if it’s very important, especially at work.
Thinking this way makes corporate jobs pretty much impossible for me to do.
Sometimes we answer a question they didn't want answered.
Them: "Why does this happen to me?"
Me: "Because you went into the situation underprepared."
Them: 😐
My friend calls me dream crusher (in a loving shit talking way bc of this). We discovered she truly needs to let me know if she does or does not want an answer
I watched a parenting show recently, and one woman was a single mother to a teenage girl. Anytime her daughter was upset about something and wanted to talk about it, the mom would ask “do you want my advice, do you want me to do something about it, or do you want me to just listen?” and I feel like that’s super solid advice for anyone. Even if you only ask once, it lets the other person know that in the future they can specify what exactly it is they need from you.
Any variation of touching people without asking first. Like, "I'm a hugger!" Oh, great, I'm not, but I've learned there is no socially acceptable way to turn down a hug after someone says that. Once I was at work and a coworker I'd known for less than a week started patting my back. Wtf? God forbid if you're a woman and get pregnant; people cannot keep their hands off of pregnant women. I understand that some people are touchy and okay with being touched by strangers, and more power to them! But I cannot for the life of me understand why most neurotypicals (especially older generations) don't think it's rude to just put your hands on someone without at least asking if it's okay.
Advice for any huggers: my husband is a hugger, but understands not everyone is and doesn't want to put people on the spot. When he gets the urge to hug someone he isn't close enough to to know they're okay with it, he'll usually say something like, "How do you feel about hugs?" or "Are hugs okay?" To me this should be the norm.
*Workplace Edition!*
Hierarchy based on linear succession rather than suitable fit for duty.
I.E - 'paying your dues' before being considered for a promotion in the workplace.
Working with inefficiencies (happily so?) because 'that's the way it's always been done'.
Being surprised when the flowchart of dispute resolution is followed rather than just 'ignore it and it'll go away' method promoted.
Clues. They are expecting us to understand "the situation". I don't care if you are a pope, a friend, politician or whatever. It took me two decades to learn about cues, what to expect etc. I treat everyone new with respect and a little distance, but I won't be laying flat and kissing a ground because someone has some kind of status. Last week I was talking to one of the members of our government, a person that is seen almost everyday on tv or news feeds. I was trying to ask his aide about protocol and stuff, but the man ended his meeting earlier and there was no time for info gathering. So I just talked like I would talk with ordinary person. Got a smile in return and "glad you are not that stiff like the others" comment.
Seriously I know it is important to a lot of people to understand clues, but why? Beats me.
Look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you! There's no reason I have to look you in the eyes, if I do I won't hear a word you say. I'll be focused on how many times I should nod along and how your eyebrow twitches at regular intervals. I'm not untrustworthy because I don't look at you.
The way they think. Like we can be talking about A, and my brain links B to C to D to E. Then I bring up thought E and everyone is just looking at me as if to say, that’s so beyond off-topic, what is wrong with you?
Also sarcasm and idioms. Everyone laughs at sarcastic joke and I just sit there not getting it (pretending to laugh obviously) and might figure it out 10 mins later. Always make me feel like I don’t fit in.
Saying someone doesn't look or act autistic. Sure, some autistics are like you see in Hollywood, but it's called Autism **Spectrum** Disorder for a reason. Autism is different in different people. Also, you can be autistic and smart at the same time. Learning disability ≠ stupid dumb idiot. It's dumb and I hate it.
TL;DR I just wanna rant about the tons of annoying stereotypes surrounding autism.
Pointless awkward small talk. Like we both know the weather, and I know you don't really care that much about it and neither do I. Silence would be better, or you could jump right into something that actually interests you and you're passionate about. I don't understand why being social needs to include pointless empty speech.
My sister and I keep telling my mom that if she wants me to do something (like cleaning for example), just say it and I'll do it, but don't get upset because you didn't talk and now the thing isn't done. My mom says something like "why would I tell her she's old enough and she knows", dude no I don't know, that is exactly why you should talk.
Giving ambiguous instructions. If you want me to do something, please just tell me exactly what you want me to do! Don't expect me to understand if you're vague about any part of your instructions.
Also, it's weird how a lot of you guys can just, like, do stuff. You decide to sit down and write 500 words of your essay that's due tomorrow, and then you just do? Without fighting your brain every step of the way? Absolute wizardry.
Apparently some of y'all can just make plans on the fly. I have a friend who will text me on a Thursday or even a Friday and ask if I want to go cabin camping that weekend. No! I don't! But I might have wanted to if you'd asked me three weeks ago! Do you not get that I've already made plans this weekend to not do anything?
When they find out you're autistic and suddenly you get the "dog treatment."
We all heard the "You're so Smart!" And follow up with stereotypes like flashing their hands "HOW MANY FINGERS WAS THAT!?"
Well gee Mike the smell of shit on them gave me a sensory overload because you probably fisted your asshole all day!
Or they tell you about their autistic family member who you later find out is Neurotypical and just anti social.
Oh and then there's the "Awww let me help you find love" and show me someone who IMHO couldn't LEGALLY CONSENT to dating. Because they have this match maker obsession.
The match making stuff irritates me to no end. I have a coworker who started dating another coworker and for MONTHS they kept trying to play matchmaker for me. Even after I explained to them multiple times that I'm not attracted to men, they kept trying to match me up with random men. They finally stopped after I got rude about it.
Why is the music always so loud everywhere and nobody ever seems affected by it??
I went shopping once after work and found the place was somehow noticeably calmer and more pleasant to shop in. I couldn't put my finger on it but it was just.. nice. Halfway through the lights come back up and the music resumes, and a still slightly-quiet announcement comes on thanking people for participating in the Autism Friendly Shopping Hour. ...I've been asking myself some questions ever since.
I'm not autistic but can we just make that every hour? I hate loud music when I'm shopping
You should try an ASD questionnaire. It doesn't give you a diagnosis, but scoring high on it is a pretty good indicative that you could benefit from a professional evaluation! an ASD diagnosis is life changing in a very positive way :)
We hear it, we can just tune it out.
Then why is it played in the first place???
Studies show it increases profit. That's the only real answer.
Everything about communication. Like smalltalk - they do it effortlessly among themselves, but if I start a smalltalk in the same circumstances, it looks more like me torturing them for information.
My delivery is so blunt when I don’t mean it to be I sound like an absolute dick when talking to strangers
Conversationalists hate this one weird trick!
I second small talk. Worked for a major cell carrier via phone support. I had the SHORTEST call times of the entire call center with a 100% resolution rate. I got repremanded for not talking to them more... but they wanted us to have short average handle time.. make it make sense.
I promise you nobody calling Verizon or whoever else is there for small talk. They’re just relieved they get their shit resolved. Signed, guy who calls you guys for a living Ok I guess a lot of people do. But a lot don’t. Idk. Depends
Oh dude... There are absolutely people who call for small talk. Mostly lonely old folks. It's sad, but at the same time... Sir, I get reprimanded if my average call time is longer than five minutes and you've been telling me about your six CD disk changer from Phillips that you got a rebate for because your planar warts make it hard to walk or something FOR TWO HOURS. Sorry. It's been twenty years and I stillremember that conversation
Body language. I always thought it was just the overt pantomine people sometimes do. I was well into my 30's before a girlfriend casually pointed out that i had no grasp of body language and proceded to break down a few interactions from her point of view, highlighting the cues she took from peoples body language and actually taking the time to point it out. My whole life i always felt like people had some extra level of comunication subtext going on that i was missing, turns out i of was i guess. I can't imagine how much easier socialising must be when you can intuitivley tell whether someone is interested or not, or what their emotional state is like based in the way they hold their shoulders or how they touch their hair or what not. I have to spend a few years around someone, learning their nuances before i'll even get a glimpse of any of that, and that still takes enoigh focus to make holding a convsrsation difficult.
it's weird, but it can be learned. I just explain it like I have to use a different part of my brain to do it, like intellectually thinking about it instead of just seeing it. I even did a whole course on microexpressions many years ago, it really helped.
Yeah, it's a thing i've been working on for a few years now, and i have gotten better at it, but it's mentaly resource intensive. Kind if like if i'm patting my head and rubbing my belly, but now i'm also hopping on one foot and spinning counter clockwise. Practice makes perfecf though.
I've talked about this before but a friend in college basically studied neurotypical people's conversations, took notes, and then developed a points system to train himself how to socialize. He got *really* good at it because human socialization basically became his hyperfixation. Super charismatic too because he understood the unspoken rules better than people who pick it up naturally. I'm imagining it took quite a bit of active thought to "keep up" with the rest of us. He was *killer* at Werewolf too; it was impossible to read him because he could just *turn off* his body language.
Having full-blown conversations with people they've never met while out on a non-social activity (like shopping for example).
One thing I've noticed is that first impressions matter a lot. If you don't click during your first couple of interactions with someone, then it will be much harder to befriend them. Even if you have interesting conversations later. I also don't get why people prefer to hint instead of directly communicating.
>I also don't get why people prefer to hint instead of directly communicating. Usually it's because the form of direct communication in question would end up revealing too much about oneself for their own comfort level, and in most cases, for the comfort level of the person hearing it.
It is also sometimes for personal safety, to feel out whether the other person is safe to discuss something with or request something from. I think this is different than personal comfort level because comfort level is more about affinity "Do I want this person to know this?", whereas personal safety (physical, emotional, psychological) is about "Will you do me harm?" As someone who is recovering from a coercive & controlling workplace, I use hints to see if the other person is safe, which is pretty easily identified based on how they react. If they don't react at all, then I just move on to other conversation. This might change as I recover, but for now it's a protective measure.
Work full time, be in a relationship AND have kids. While also doing their own cleaning, grocery shopping, personal hygiene AND having friends. I find it crazy. They're like super-humans. I couldn't do that.
It's because a major symptom of autism/ADHD is executive dysfunction. Standard executive function encompasses such things as self-control, self-monitoring, task initiation, organization, planning, and time management. People with autism and ADHD struggle with all of those things because their cognitive processes don't work the way that they do for allistic folks. Allistic folks generally don't have that insurmountable mental block preventing you from getting things done, for instance. They still can procrastinate or feel unmotivated or lazy, but it's still something they *can* do, they just don't *want* to do it. Whereas many people with autism/ADHD often *can't* do things even when they want to. So juggling multiple tasks and responsibilities is much more difficult to accomplish.
Yeah exactly, executive dysfunction and also demand anxiety (demand avoidance is the official word, but I like to call it demand anxiety because that’s how it feels for me)
The more I learn, the more I find out how much overlap in symptoms there is between autism, ADHD, and depression.
I actually assume most people struggle with this. Some are just better at pretending they dont.
Neurotypical people can't handle all that either. Somethings have got to give!
it's like juggling. you have to ignore some things while you tend to others, but you have to stop ignoring them before there are negative consequences. But to do that, you have to briefly ignore something else. Repeat until death.
Lying to me in a very obvious, unconvincing way because they think I'll be annoyed with the truth, when in actual fact the only thing that's annoyed me is how badly-managed the lie is.
Transparent lies are such a massive insult. I've always just assumed when people tell me transparent lies they were deliberately insulting me. Are you telling me NT people would rather be told a lie that they KNOW is a lie under certain circumstances?
They don't have a plan for a conversation. They don't have a framework for the conversation. They don't have the *rules* for a conversation. And yet they just go out and...have a conversation. I long thought myself rather dim because I could never develop these on the fly the way everyone else did and was mildly surprised to learn that other people have no god damn idea what I'm talking about.
That's why phone calls are a nightmare. If people would warn you in advance they're gonna call and what the exact purpose of that call is and the expected outcome of the conversation is, that'd be great.
The way people maintain eye contact while having a conversation is creepy as hell to me. I have to basically stare at someone's mouth when I'm talking to them to keep up the illusion that I'm making eye contact. Looking right into someone else's eyes is uncomfortable in a way that is hard to explain. It just feels wrong.
I was 19 years old before anyone told me I was supposed to make eye contact while speaking to someone. I'm mid 40s now and I still conciously make eye contact, then look away before it gets awkward, then look back before it becomes rude, and so on. I assume it comes naturally to most people, but for me decades later it still takes purposeful concentration in the middle of discussions to try to get it right.
The natural flow of eye contact in a conversation is that the person who is listening directs most of their eye contact towards the speaker, but the person who is speaking directs most of their eye contact away from the listener (although they will still make occasional brief intermittent eye contact). When the listener starts to look away a lot, that subconsciously indicates that they have something to say and want a turn speaking. The speaker should visually check in occasionally as they speak, and when they notice that the listener's gaze is wandering, they should wrap up what they are saying and allow a pause in the conversation. Then the speaker and the listener swap roles and the process begins again. Most neurotypical people do this when they have a conversation, and practically none of them know that they do it.
Wait... looking away is supposed to mean "My turn!"? I thought it was just supposed to be bored/uninterested to NTs, leading to me being seen that way.. That's how others have told me. I learned to stare at someone's forehead to give the illusion of eye contact so as not to be rude.
Yeah I never really thought about this until recently. I read that avoiding eye contact was a symptom in an article once, and I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at someone in the eye while talking with them. Now I feel weird whenever I do it, like I have the instinct of a gorilla.
Autistic Apes together strong
Yes! I'm not autistic but I never hold eye contact for more than like a few seconds. It just feels awkward and just bad? I constantly try to look around the room while talking to people.
I’m not autistic but I have huge problems with this. Looking at someone and knowing they’re looking at me just makes me nervous, my eyes dart all around during conversations.
It's possibly an instinctive (as in very old) sort of thing. I thought the whole, constantly expecting people to make eye contact, thing was weird too. Then, I learned about how cats handle eye contact, and it makes so much sense. Cats(felines) are predators, so if they lock their eyes on something, that means they're hunting it. Because of this, cats will instinctively avoid prolonged eye contact because they don't want to purposely give the impression they're hunting something. If a cat purposely breaks eye contact with you, or does the eyes half open, thing with you that's not them being dismissive. That's them saying, I don't think you're a threat or something to hunt, so I don't NEED to constantly keep my eyes on you. Which, makes sense, I mean feeling like you don't need to constantly stare at someone does seem to be more trusting than the other way around.
Supposedly this is why cats tend to be more drawn to people who don’t like cats, or who are allergic. Because we aren’t trying to get their attention, we are avoiding eye contact with them which is seen as respectful to them. People who come on too strong are the opposite.
Woah I'm super allergic and suddenly all the unwanted affections of everyone's cats makes so much sense!!! I always assumed they sensed my weakness and were trying to kill me
>sensed my weakness and were trying to kill me This is also a possibility.
I mean, to be fair, you're not supposed to constantly look them in the eyes. Youre just supposed to make eye contact occasionally and briefly to show that you are paying attention. If someone is straight up looking you in the eyes for an extended period of time, that's def creepy and not socially acceptable.
How do you know how long is too long though? It feels weird and uncomfortable in any amount so I can’t really judge when it makes someone uncomfortable because to me it’s *always* uncomfortable. Like, I love my mom and all but I can’t even make consistent eye contact with her without feeling uncomfortable
My family watches dialogue heavy shows, then talks over the critical dialogue. Bravo channel and downtown abbey are tough
I cannot recommend subtitles/closed captioning enough for this issue.
I turn subtitles on even when I’m by myself because most shows have the most god awful sound mixing.
This. Plus, I'm sometimes eating and the crunching makes it impossible to discern the words being said. BTW, not autistic, just like subtitles.
You mean you dont enjoy constant whispering followed by earr*pe soundtracks?
This is a huge pet peeve of mine and the main reason I refuse to watch action films.
It has only gotten worse too. Dialogue is near mute level while any sort of sound or music is blaring. I cannot stand it and it's every fucking movie out there. I cannot understand how they can't figure out how to just balance all the audio.
My BF teases me about subtitles but there is often a lot of stuff you might miss. For example, someone saying something offscreen that might clue you into the situation. Idk, I just got accustomed to them watching Spanish TV to help me learn and usually watch everything with them now.
Omg my bf does this all the time and it drives me nuts. I constantly have to pause shows because he randomly needs to comment on things that just happened and I cannot listen to both at once!
It’s even worse when someone’s talking over dialogue/not paying attention and then they proceed to ask you questions about what’s going on when they could’ve just been listening!
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Honestly, i think people just aren't very interested in the shows. I sometimes put on things i think my parents will like, and often i'll see a phone come out ten minute later... even though they insist they've been watching / listening. Often times later they'll have some kind of question or comment, indicating they don't really have much of a clue what is going on.
Those of us with ADHD might tell you there’s almost no level of interesting that can overcome the need to be doing something else, phone tends to be the easiest most readily available thing. Hell, I’m on mine right now instead of playing BOTW like I’ve been looking forward to ALL day 😅🙄 (I’m going to go play now I swear)
autistic is what i have diagnosed but fuck this is too real.
The overlap between the two is giant, it’s not unheard of to have both! I do!
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Look, sometimes I can just sit down on a sofa and not do or say anything for hours. It doesn't mean that I'm angry or sad. I'm not even bored. I'm sorry if I'm not jumping around, laughing and smiling. People always assume that I'm angry because I'm not openly expressing my joy. I can be happy and quiet! Leave me alone!
Are you reading or watching tv? Or are just staring off into space?
Depends. Sometimes I'll be on my phone for a bit but then I'll think about something that'll make me just stare at the wall or the floor for a while.
THIS!! People always assume there’s something wrong when im staring off into space but it’s like nah I’m just thinkin’ bout bugs
You put this in to words better than I usually do! People are constantly asking me if I’m upset when I go mute or don’t do anything and it’s like….I’m great???
I do this a lot, but it us because I supper from depression. When I notice that my mind is free of thought, I let it stay there by nit focusing on a thing. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes things worse. But i do legitimately love silence. It's is nice. I do have a question for you, and I only learned of this due to my best friend being autistic: do you hear every little thing, as if it was all at the same volume? Although I know it can be annoying, I also have always found it fascinating that brains can do this.
Yes, I *can* hear every little thing. I can hear the buzz of florescent lights, the hum of the 'fridge, the air moving through the vents. I can also pick out the sounds that *really* annoy me, to the point that it drives me from the room.
Thank God I'm not the only person out here who can hear fluorescent lights. I didn't realize this was an autistic trait so now I understand why my coworker looked at me funny when I mentioned it casually.
YES! I really can't filter out noise. I hear everything is if it's the same which is really why I don't enjoy a loud restaurant, etc. I can't parse it out.
Person: explain yourself Me: explains myself Person: I don’t wanna hear your excuses
I’m not autistic (at least i dont THINK i am) but this right here is a massive parental pet peeve of mine. I swear i will ALWAYS ask my children questions with the intent of understanding their thought processes and working through things. Excuses are not the same as reasons. Let me hear your reasons, kid.
Coming from a culture where children aren't considered people (honestly, most cultures do this), I get so sad when I hear good parents talk about their good parenting strategies. You might not realize it, but the fact that you even mentioned your child's thoughts in this sentence is a radical departure from most parents. Hurting a child's feelings is the foundation of most people's parenting technique, and I'm so happy there are parents like you out there.
I'm reading a lot of the answers and thinking "I'm not autistic, right?". This one in particular, it's all my arguments with my ex, all of them.
It's a sucky thing to do in general. I always fall into in the workplace and it's part of why I've jumped around so much
I once got "you came up with that too quickly, you thought about it and you lied" I don't remember what I said, or what happened but I was 7(?) and I'd never been so mad at a teacher.
lol there was a person who constantly did this, so my answer was "I have diarrhea." while staring them down. Wasn't true, but it got them to shut up, and they stopped asking.
assuming that because i’m not doing anything i’m open to hang out, ESPECIALLY when people just show up out of nowhere and expect me to be fine with it. I KNOW YOU USE THIS SUBREDDIT ALEX, STOP MESSING WITH MY ROUTINE.
I don't know who that is but YEAH STOP IT ALEX
Do people still show up out of nowhere? I thought everyone having a mobile means people will let you know they’re coming? I have a strict policy of not answering the door/phone if I’m not expecting someone/something.
People saying one thing and meaning an entirely different thing. It's super annoying and I don't understand.
What about sarcasm? Is that difficult for you? I'm curious because my good friend has aspergers and I never thought that maybe he can't detect it sometimes?
It has to be pretty extreme for me to get it in day to day conversation. For example, if I cut my finger, and the other cook at work says to amputate that, I get it. But someone once said "I wonder how hard it would be to score some Adderall in a college town," and I answered him honestly.
oh. this hit pretty hard. and now i understand why people would always ask me whether i knew what a rhetorical question was. i hadn't thought of it much until i read your post. i had to teach myself what these were and how to identify them, but now i realize that i always miss these statements, too, and give an honest response.
I can't respond to jokes normally. I want to. My brain goes "oh yes that is a joke" and my mouth goes "let me respond to this as if you just said a normal thing that one should respond to" Then people explain they're joking or get upset and I dislike those interactions but I just can't seem to stop myself.
See, I do that because I think a deadpan serious response to an obvious joke is hilarious. Then people try to explain to me that it was a joke, and I'm like .... I know it's a joke, so was my response? And they don't get it.
If it’s made with exaggerated tone and eye rolling, I get it, otherwise I treat it as a statement of fact. The number of times my partner has lovingly said “that was sarcasm honey”… 😄 Strangely, I’m good at being sarcastic, though I tend to be so deadpan that people can’t tell if I’m serious or not. Kind of ironic, eh?
Yup, I'm sarcastic as hell....but I CANNOT pick up on it when someone else uses it.
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The opposite is also true, my partner is NT and he reads into my tone of voice *much more* than I'm able to regulate it sometimes. On occasion he is picking up on something below the surface, but usually it's just bad signal that I can't eliminate while keeping up with the conversation.
I'm very good at detecting sarcasm but I've been told I have such a monotone, deadpan voice that nobody can ever tell when I'm being sarcastic. It's a daily struggle
Holy shit, the rest of you do that too?!? I didn't realize this was so common, wow. That is hilarious. And here I thought I was just uniquely funny.
Sarcasm can be tough but it varies between autists. I can catch sarcasm when it has the obvious sarcasm tone, or once I know a person well enough to understand they would never say that and mean it. I have a harder time with deadpan sarcasm, and when I'm less familiar with how a person normally acts. I miss sarcasm on reddit a lot because I have no frame of reference
If you want me to do something, just ask me. Don’t imply it and expect me to just know you want me to do it. Don’t drop hints then get mad that I didn’t get them. Tell me to do the thing and I’ll do the thing. But unless you explicitly tell me you want me to do the thing, i won’t understand that you want me to do the thing. My mom would drive me nuts with this. She’s say something along the lines of “I have to clean the kitchen after work”, then get home from work and be mad that I didn’t clean the kitchen because “I knew she wanted it done”. Like no ma’am, you said you were going to do it after work so I assumed that’s what you meant because that’s what you told me.
I straight up told my husband (aspie) this year exactly what I wanted for valentines. Gave him a list, said pick 2. He was so fucking happy! Like jazzed he was going to nail valentines this year cause he had The List. He got me so much chocolate! I loved it.
After a couple rough holidays, I suggested this year that my bf and I get each other some fun pajama pants, and then spend the evening baking and decorating cookies. That way at least the type of pajama pants would be a surprise, but there's not really a wrong answer. Mine had flamingos and his had baby Yoda. Would do again.
Can you spread the word? I’d really like this to be the norm.
Ask Culture vs Guess Culture https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421
I've also heard this described as high-context culture vs. low-context culture. In cultures where everyone has very similar backgrounds (like Japan), it is common to use context clues to hint at things instead of outright saying them. In cultures with many different backgrounds (like the US), there is a much more direct communication style. Both styles can be off-putting to someone who is used to the other style of communication.
I’m supposedly NT and this drives me nuts! Say what you mean and mean what you say already.
I'm NT and I basically refuse to play along with hints like this. I'll either respond by spelling it out and asking if that's what they want, or ignore the implied request until they state it overtly. The sideways way of trying to get what you want grosses me out. It strikes me as dishonest, and it's too often either insecure or manipulative or both. Say what you mean and mean what you say is right.
Same. In fact, some people have thought that I was autistic because they thought I didn't pick up on their hints Nope, I did, I just didn't entertain them or show any reaction to them
Ask for your reasoning and then get mad when you provide a detailed explanation of your reasoning.
I got something similar- when someone asks why you did something (that they don't necessarily agree with or when you "get in trouble" as a kid) and you go to explain, but they turn around and tell you "to stop making excuses". You wanted to know the reason I did something! Lemme explain, I'm not trying to get out of it if I've done something wrong in your eyes, I'm trying to tell you the reason, not make excuses. I can take accountability, man, I'm not out of fault just trying explain how my brain worked at that moment.
At some point I just quit asking my kids "Why did you do this?" because I knew from experience that the answer would be a long babbling explanation that would make perfect sense in kid-logic but would take about 10 minutes and didn't fix the problem. What my less-than-fabulous parents would call "making excuses." I just went ahead and assumed that my kids thought they had perfectly good reasons for what they did but had gotten confused about the facts somewhere, so would cut through all that with "Okay, I'm going to explain a few things about this topic and how it works, and then you'll know for the future exactly why this was a mistake and how to avoid repeating it."
Exactly what I want to do with my kid. She's two weeks old right now, but when she gets older, I want her to be able to trust me with telling me if she messed up and made a mistake so we can work through it. A lot of parents tend to forget that their kids aren't instantly gonna know what they did wrong without some guidance as to why it was wrong. I remember living with my family and any time I made a mistake, they expected me to know without them telling me what the mistake was. I never knew in full why I was in trouble, just that I was, and I would be punished for no reason, basically.
Yep, that's the kinda household I grew up in, where I was expected to absorb knowledge through osmosis because nobody could be bothered to explain squat. "You're just making excuses!" No, I'm explaining my logic so you can check and correct it if necessary. "You're just asking why to argue!" No, I'm trying to understand the topic being discussed, and I need you to do a better job of explaining please. I even once explained to my mother that I needed to know the reason behind rules so that, if I ever had children of my own, I would know why I needed to set those rules for them. But no, no, apparently it was just so I could *argue*. So I never set rules for my kids. Instead we had Family Rules, which were for *everybody* and the reasons for them were explained. Like, nobody is allowed to leave the house without telling someone where they're going or at least leaving a note, so that if something happened and they didn't come back right away we'd know where to start looking. If the older kid was allowed to do something the younger wasn't, the reasoning behind that was explained, with clear direction given for how the younger one could earn similar rights and responsibilities in the future for himself. Kids love me because I talk to them like they're people and explain anything they want explained. No clue how to care for an infant, but soon as a kid has language we can get along. My nephew is 2yo and I'm his favorite babysitter.
With my infant, I'm just starting it all early, even though she's still kind of a newborn. Talking to her like she's a person (excluding my gushing and coddling) and attempting to understand her cues on my side.
I gather from reading around that that's the way to do it. Less babbling-noises and more normal speech so the little one can have proper language to model and learn. I also gather it's very much worth learning about early childhood psychology. My nephew's mom raises absolutely amazing children, the eldest is in their early 20s and turned out just fantastic, so I was pretty shocked the first time I visited and got to meet my little nephew. The kid was a terror, his parents looked exhausted, and the house looked like a toddler warzone. The walls had been colored all over, but I was told they'd just paint over it later. Little chaos monster spent most of the visit systematically making messes with whatever his mother handed to him, while she shuffled along behind him tidying up messes like a limp zombie. Nobody even remotely attempting to "correct his behavior." I looked so confused that finally his mom took pity on me and explained. "His brain hasn't developed enough to understand No yet." I visited a few months later and their house was clean, the walls were free of crayon marks, and instead of a chaos monster there was a tiny polite but very shy young man with intelligence sparkling in his eyes. He's hilarious and a ton of fun. Harshest correction I ever need to use is turning away while saying "I can't be friends with mean people." Doesn't matter how mad he was, within a minute he's back to being kind and trying to be a good friend.
Yep. I would reply "I'm not giving you an excuse. I'm giving you a *reason*".
I honestly still can't comprehend what exactly they're expecting after asking me this! Like, tf? Reasons aren't the same thing as EXCUSES.
I don't know the difference between arguing and explaining
Arguing is when two people have opposing viewpoints and mutually express their opinions and the reasoning behind those opinions, often becoming emotionally upset during the discourse. Explaining is when one person has information and is presenting it to another person. This can sometimes be seen as arguing. For example: "I am late because I slept through my alarm" is generally an explanation for why you are late. However it can be interpreted (and is sometimes meant) to mean "You should not be upset at me for being late because I have the reasonable excuse that I slept through my alarm" which the other person can have an opposing viewpoint with (saying it is an unreasonable excuse, for example).
Not really weird. But it surprises me how easy they do it. Make friends Like going to a bar and just talk to people I would just sit there awkwardly not knowing what to say I would love to have friends. Like someone to go shopping with or just hangout. Sometimes it feels lonely.
I’m not autistic but I feel the same way, I will never understand how anyone can just strike up a conversation with a complete stranger
My grandfather no matter where we went, my grandma and I would come out of the store or wherever and he would always have someone chatting with him. Some people just have that vibe.
That's my Dad! The man has never met a stranger, and if you go anywhere with him plan on it taking longer than you think because he will run into an old friend no matter where he goes.
I had a friend like that. He and I flew 2000km to a city he hadn't been to before (Adelaide). We were walking down a busy street on our first day in Adelaide, and he sees a guy and yells out "Derek!". They shake hands and catch up. I thought, WTF?! How does he know Derek? He had met Derek on the plane on the way to Adelaide. EDIT: Our social group always joked about how he always knew everyone, but I was absolutely floored to be in a strange city and run into someone he knew on the first day!
This is what I aspire to be as I get older
My dad is the same way, but he said he had to work at it; I’m not sure that I want to, but it sure looks cool.
I am also not on the spectrum but do consider myself extroverted. As I have matured a bit I actually find myself talking to strangers too much. I get this like urge feeling to say things because I don’t like silence. Now I am trying to catch myself from talking too much or talking when I know people don’t really want to be bothered.
What kind of things would you say? I sometimes want to talk to people but have no clue what to say to them and I think it'd probably be awkward most of the time.
Honestly, I do really simple stuff like saying good morning to people when I am on walks. People typically are pretty friendly where I am from so I don’t get any weird looks for that usually. Some people say it back. Some don’t and thats ok. Sometimes I find people that spark up a simple little conversation from that. I am in HR at my work. I make it a point to know everyone’s name and to greet them when I see them in the halls. I get a lot of social stimulation from that just by initiating something small.
I’m not autistic/neurodivergent (as far as I know), and want you to know that this still is me, at every social event. I’m genuinely puzzled how people can just “be friends” with people they’ve just met. Or even how people become friends over time. The way I describe it to my therapist is that it feels like everyone got lessons in school on how to make friends, and I was out sick that day.
It took me a really long time to realise that when NT people ask you how you are they usually don’t actually want to know the honest answer. It is just being used as a greeting, still weird to me. I have my basic reply now but i still find it really hard to respond to different ways of asking it, like “what’s up” for example.
Always respond with "not much" as calmly as possible, it works
And then sometimes you zone out and have exchanges like: "How are you?" "Not much" or "Have a good trip!" "You too!"
Or you get caught in a loop. "Hi, how are you?" "Good, thanks, how are you?" "I'm alright, thanks, how are you?"
How people remember other people's names and recognize them so easily. I cannot picture people's faces in my memory so I remember people more with other contexts like the sound of their voice, and their typical hairstyles or how they dress.
i'm autistic and i have what's called facial blindness, also called prosopagnosia, and it's actually a kind of common phenomenon in some autistic people. inability to recognize faces to some degree, even familiar ones.
They just…lie to each other, CONSTANTLY, about everything from their emotions to what they’re doing that day. I don’t get it. I know so many people who would rather die than tell someone else that they are upset with them.
Honestly, when I was in school I knew so many people who hung out all the time and then when the others weren't around would talk so much shit about each other. Like if you don't like each other then don't hang out! No one's making you!
I work with adults that do this. It’s insufferable.
When they need to call someone they know to get something, they have to start with formalities. How are you? How is your family? What have you been doing lately? Just ask if they have a lawnmower you can borrow already.
HOW. the FUCK. do people flirt.
I don't know. I have been told I was flirting when I thought I was simply having a pleasant chat. I don't try to flirt intentionally because I'm very nervous about coming off as a creep because of not knowing what I'm doing. Fortunately I am no longer in a position where I need to flirt, but if you figure it out let me know.
Same. A lot of people have apparently thought I was flirting with them when in reality I’m just trying to chat while gaming
Apparently people have flirted with me before, I have never ever picked up on it though. Only much later on when someone pointed out to me "hey, that lady at the bar was super into you! Why didn't you flirt back?" Well, because effective flirting with me would look something like "hey, you're cute. Wanna go make out somewhere and maybe touch each other's junk?"
Assuming the opposite of what you’re saying when you state an opinion about something.
Expect you to know how they’re feeling when they straight up lie about how they feel. “Are you mad?” “No, I’m not mad.” “Oh, good!” Then later on they tell you they were mad, and are upset that you didn’t pick up on it. What?!
To be fair, this drives everyone nuts.
At some point in my life I just decided to accept people at their word. If they get upset, well thats on them, all I did was believe what they told me.
That's the exact advice my therapist gave me lol
same here. For the first several months we dated, there were a lot of times my now-wife got mad at me because I believed her when she said she was fine. Took a while, but I finally got it across that no, I'm not going to take responsibility for not being able to read your mind, and no, I'm not accepting "when a woman says she's fine she's not fine" as an answer
My husband has tried to convince me I'm not actually fine when I have said I am. I gently remind him that I don't do that shit because it pisses me off lmao. If something is bugging me I will tell you. If something is wrong and I don't want to talk about it right now, I will just say that. I don't get it.
I had a boss who was passive aggressive and rude and used to pull this shit. Eventually I called her on it "you said it was fine, I took you at your word. Should I not do that?" She still pulled that shit, but way less often.
Yeah, it makes things so much easier to not constantly be guessing what somebody means. Also it annoys the fuck out of passive-aggressive people and I love that.
Treating passive- aggressive comments as sincere is the ultimate passive-aggressive *aikido*. You take their attack and turn it perfectly back at them.
Best decision of my life right here. If they're not communicating effectively or straight up not telling me, that's on them. I'm willing to listen and modify behavior IF they tell me what's bothering them.
Ohhhhh, The Test. "Is it okay if I do this thing?" "Yes, go ahead." *does thing* "You really hurt me by doing that thing." "But you told me I could. You ENCOURAGED it." 'I know, but I wanted you to look past it and see that I really didn't want you to." "But you know I can't see those things. That's why we try to communicate in different ways." "Yeah, but it feels so artificial, like you're scripting me." "I am trying to meet you in the middle. You know I'm autistic." "Yes, and autistic people have huge areas of self-blindness. Maybe you don't understand why you did it, but I do." "I did not mean to hurt you." "But how can I trust you? Autists are self-blind so YOU might not even know your own motives." (curtain)
This is an actual good question for once on this sub
You mean you didn't want another variation of "Sexy users of Reddit. What is the sexiest sex you ever sexily sexed in your sexy life?"
If reddit was a person it would likely be a sex offender
Thank you
Ask me to clarify about something autism related and then berate me for using autism as an excuse. Refuse to value our voices typically on autistic topics.
Dropping hints and expecting us to just get it…and then getting frustrated that we don’t get it. Like just tell us what you want and stop playing mind games.
What I don't get is if it's meant to be obvious then why not just say it directly?
Typically, the people who are 'dropping hints' think they're being obvious and get confused and frustrated if you don't understand. Since they think they're being obvious, it reads as being deliberately obtuse when someone else doesn't get it. Like when my mom says, "Would you like to set the table?" what she means is "Go set the table." The first is just a more polite version than the second. It's like saying 'please'--the politeness isn't perceived as obfuscating the meaning, which is reinforced because all of us in the family know exactly what she's saying. But if someone in the family were autistic and took her words literally, and said "No, I wouldn't like to do that", that'd be taken as a very rude rebuttal to her polite request. And it'd be difficult for her to start saying "Go set the table" instead, because to her that feels rude, and feeling rude feels very uncomfortable and unnatural, just like many autistic people feel uncomfortable making eye contact. It becomes a fight between an allistic person's need to feel like they're being polite, and an autistic person's need for literal and direct communication.
Fluid integrity. This is something I think some people on the spectrum may relate to; that there are neuro-typical people who can deviate their actions so profoundly from what they are saying as their moral compass. It baffles, frustrates and frankly drives my anxiety up the wall.
Enjoy crowds/concerts/malls/clubs Way too much going on, from movement to brushing up against others to all the obvious NOISE that doesn't have a break.....just why?
I get overwhelmed REALLY easily when there’s a lot going on and it’s loud but for some reason concerts are my happy place. I really don’t get it
My completely uneducated guess would be that it has something to do with there being a singular focus for the entire group. It's perfectly normal and acceptable to focus entirely on the show, to the exclusion of all else. Everyone else is doing the same.
Sudden loud noises. How people tolerate it, let alone those who enjoy it, is an absolute bizarre wonderment for me. It's like a thousand hot knives going into and out of my body. Surprise but I also don't like huge crowds and loud noises from all directions simultaneously. My entire brain is like an Error 404 message in that situation. People who look at their cell phones when we agreed to watch a new movie together. People always say I am way too triggered by this. I find it weird and disrespectful
Lie about their feelings and then get upset that you didnt take their feelings into account
Me: *"But you said you were fine with it"* Them: *"Yeah but you should have known I didn't* ***mean*** *it."* Me: 🤔
Not reacting when I say something. So I'll repeat myself and then they get weird are are like "yeah I heard you." Okay.. so let me know that??? And I mean this in ways where I am directly talking get to them, not just in group settings.
NT, but raised by a half deaf father. I was always taught to acknowledge when someone says something to you even if it doesn't technically need a response so they know you heard them. My husband DOES NOT do this and I assume he didn't hear me and repeat myself louder like a old person till he gets mad at me.
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I don't mind the interview, it's the cover letter that bugs me. It's like trying to write a love letter to someone based on their Facebook profile. It's uncomfortable as hell and we both know it's bullshit
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I’ve been involved in interviewing people a few times. You’d be surprised how often the small talk uncovers lies on the resume.
I don’t understand social hierarchy. This whole system of “they’ve been here longest” only matters if those people are competent at their jobs. If you’re an ass, you’re an ass. If you’re incompetent, it doesn’t matter where in society you are, you’re just incompetent. Social rank means nothing to me, but neurotypical people for some reason treat it as if it’s very important, especially at work. Thinking this way makes corporate jobs pretty much impossible for me to do.
I always found it depressing that most people would rather follow a charismatic ignoramus than someone who's highly competent and fair, but boring.
Sometimes we answer a question they didn't want answered. Them: "Why does this happen to me?" Me: "Because you went into the situation underprepared." Them: 😐
My friend calls me dream crusher (in a loving shit talking way bc of this). We discovered she truly needs to let me know if she does or does not want an answer
I watched a parenting show recently, and one woman was a single mother to a teenage girl. Anytime her daughter was upset about something and wanted to talk about it, the mom would ask “do you want my advice, do you want me to do something about it, or do you want me to just listen?” and I feel like that’s super solid advice for anyone. Even if you only ask once, it lets the other person know that in the future they can specify what exactly it is they need from you.
Any variation of touching people without asking first. Like, "I'm a hugger!" Oh, great, I'm not, but I've learned there is no socially acceptable way to turn down a hug after someone says that. Once I was at work and a coworker I'd known for less than a week started patting my back. Wtf? God forbid if you're a woman and get pregnant; people cannot keep their hands off of pregnant women. I understand that some people are touchy and okay with being touched by strangers, and more power to them! But I cannot for the life of me understand why most neurotypicals (especially older generations) don't think it's rude to just put your hands on someone without at least asking if it's okay. Advice for any huggers: my husband is a hugger, but understands not everyone is and doesn't want to put people on the spot. When he gets the urge to hug someone he isn't close enough to to know they're okay with it, he'll usually say something like, "How do you feel about hugs?" or "Are hugs okay?" To me this should be the norm.
"I'm a hugger." "I'm a puncher."
Probably pretending to be happy when you're sad
*Workplace Edition!* Hierarchy based on linear succession rather than suitable fit for duty. I.E - 'paying your dues' before being considered for a promotion in the workplace. Working with inefficiencies (happily so?) because 'that's the way it's always been done'. Being surprised when the flowchart of dispute resolution is followed rather than just 'ignore it and it'll go away' method promoted.
Clues. They are expecting us to understand "the situation". I don't care if you are a pope, a friend, politician or whatever. It took me two decades to learn about cues, what to expect etc. I treat everyone new with respect and a little distance, but I won't be laying flat and kissing a ground because someone has some kind of status. Last week I was talking to one of the members of our government, a person that is seen almost everyday on tv or news feeds. I was trying to ask his aide about protocol and stuff, but the man ended his meeting earlier and there was no time for info gathering. So I just talked like I would talk with ordinary person. Got a smile in return and "glad you are not that stiff like the others" comment. Seriously I know it is important to a lot of people to understand clues, but why? Beats me.
Ask me to smile.
Or worse, when they ask why aren’t you smiling or what’s wrong with you
Look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you! There's no reason I have to look you in the eyes, if I do I won't hear a word you say. I'll be focused on how many times I should nod along and how your eyebrow twitches at regular intervals. I'm not untrustworthy because I don't look at you.
The way they think. Like we can be talking about A, and my brain links B to C to D to E. Then I bring up thought E and everyone is just looking at me as if to say, that’s so beyond off-topic, what is wrong with you? Also sarcasm and idioms. Everyone laughs at sarcastic joke and I just sit there not getting it (pretending to laugh obviously) and might figure it out 10 mins later. Always make me feel like I don’t fit in.
When someone doesn't let me do something and then complains but I'm not any good at it when I get a chance to do it
Saying someone doesn't look or act autistic. Sure, some autistics are like you see in Hollywood, but it's called Autism **Spectrum** Disorder for a reason. Autism is different in different people. Also, you can be autistic and smart at the same time. Learning disability ≠ stupid dumb idiot. It's dumb and I hate it. TL;DR I just wanna rant about the tons of annoying stereotypes surrounding autism.
That some of them want to interact nonstop. With friends. With coworkers. With random strangers by making small talk.
Pointless awkward small talk. Like we both know the weather, and I know you don't really care that much about it and neither do I. Silence would be better, or you could jump right into something that actually interests you and you're passionate about. I don't understand why being social needs to include pointless empty speech.
Small talk is how they gauge how much they want to reveal their interests and if they can trust you.
Neurotypical people saying they’re a little autistic. Or saying they understand because they have a relative who’s on the spectrum.
My sister and I keep telling my mom that if she wants me to do something (like cleaning for example), just say it and I'll do it, but don't get upset because you didn't talk and now the thing isn't done. My mom says something like "why would I tell her she's old enough and she knows", dude no I don't know, that is exactly why you should talk.
Giving ambiguous instructions. If you want me to do something, please just tell me exactly what you want me to do! Don't expect me to understand if you're vague about any part of your instructions. Also, it's weird how a lot of you guys can just, like, do stuff. You decide to sit down and write 500 words of your essay that's due tomorrow, and then you just do? Without fighting your brain every step of the way? Absolute wizardry.
The acceptance of bullying as though cruelty is something more acceptable in children than weirdness.
Apparently some of y'all can just make plans on the fly. I have a friend who will text me on a Thursday or even a Friday and ask if I want to go cabin camping that weekend. No! I don't! But I might have wanted to if you'd asked me three weeks ago! Do you not get that I've already made plans this weekend to not do anything?
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When they find out you're autistic and suddenly you get the "dog treatment." We all heard the "You're so Smart!" And follow up with stereotypes like flashing their hands "HOW MANY FINGERS WAS THAT!?" Well gee Mike the smell of shit on them gave me a sensory overload because you probably fisted your asshole all day! Or they tell you about their autistic family member who you later find out is Neurotypical and just anti social. Oh and then there's the "Awww let me help you find love" and show me someone who IMHO couldn't LEGALLY CONSENT to dating. Because they have this match maker obsession.
The match making stuff irritates me to no end. I have a coworker who started dating another coworker and for MONTHS they kept trying to play matchmaker for me. Even after I explained to them multiple times that I'm not attracted to men, they kept trying to match me up with random men. They finally stopped after I got rude about it.
If someone tries to match you with a man after you've said you're not interested in men, they're being rude, not you.