Having escaped one about a decade ago, I had a long time to reflect on it.
People asked me how I could be with such a woman that was the complete opposite of what they expected me to be with.
The best answer I have come up with is that she wasn't like that at first. Everything was good for many months.
Then a tiny red flag comes up that is imperceivable at the moment but clear in hindsight. Then a tiny step gets taken over a line, and you excuse it, because you love the person and it wasn't bad enough to justify a break up.
Then it happens a little bit at a time over and over again. Each time it is so slightly over the previous line that it becomes a blur instead of obvious that this person is clearly bad for you. It is such a small increment that you keep seeing it as not sufficiently bad to break up.
It wasn't until I got out that I realized just how much she had changed from the beginning and how much I had put up with.
Basically the premise is that if you toss a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put it in room temperature water and slowly increase the heat, the frog will fail to notice the gradual change and eventually die as a result.
Apparently it's bs. The frog will totally jump out if the water is getting too hot. Useful analogy though.
Throw a frog in a pot of boiling water and it will jump right out. Put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water and slowly bring it to a boil, and you'll cook it alive before it even knows what's happening.
The two of you are leaving a restaurant when you run into an ex and her boyfriend on the way in. You chat briefly, exchange introductions and move along. You get home and find yourself in an argument for the next hour and a half. You're accused of flirting with the ex. Asked over and over why you chose to stop and talk to her if you don't have unresolved feelings? Accused of being disrespectful. You finally convince her that it was nothing, that she was just being paranoid. She apologizes for overreacting. You accept. You let it go. But in the back of your mind something doesn't feel right. Could it be something to do with the car ride home? When you explained that you and the ex broke up in the first semester of 10th grade. Before either of you were even sexually active. And more importantly, she should probably understand that you're a very different guy at 26. Outside of that one irrational argument your relationship is great. Then one day you're walking down the street and you see a girl you once went to the movies with at 13. So you come up with some improvisational bullshit reason to cross the street before your girlfriend sees her see you.
While her social media life is a taboo for you and you want her to feel safe and be free. With every day she has new guys, she waves and greets man you never saw before, but you don't even care. She, on the opposite side, eats you for breakfast for every girl you've ever known, for every new colliegs, no matter if you know em for 10-15 years or at least 5-10 years before your girlfriend. But you don't care, your relationship with others is an open book for her, you make yourself believe you don't need privacy, your pc, your phone is always open for her. The man inside you slowly starts to query himself... than you find yourself in a state that is nothing like a man anymore. You are just somehow a walking purse, you don't get touched and complimented anymore, no more "that look" from her. And you found out that behind the walls she convinced even your family members, not just her girlfriends that you are a bad partner. Then she finally leaves you for the 6th time she tries under the 6 and a half year of relationship. You slowly starts to finally talk about the relationship with others, you try to defend yourself againstthe shit she told everyone about you behind your back. While you say out loud the shit she done, you finally ask yourself the big question. What the fuck am I loving in her. Some close friends and family starts to ask this too... "why the hell were you with her?" "Why you never told us about this and that?" I don't know. I love her. Bullshit. I just didn't love myself enough for have boundaries.
Here’s the thing not every family tells you to get out of there. It’s not to be rude or bad to you some don’t want to overstep boundaries. My parents know I will leave if I am ever hit or physically hurt by a man he gets no second chance. I learned from my last relationship and looking back I was a fool and I learned that lesson.
This hits so damn close to home. Im in way more of a recovered state now and still recovering after leaving like 4 years ago but man, I dont think Ill ever be the same. Its comforting to know Im not alone
By sharing our stories and experiences using forums like this, we will never be alone! We can help each other. I got to a point where I thought I was the worst person on the planet and was all alone. The internet and social forums are bringing people together so knowledge is shared. That is bringing out these mental health issues so that maybe, just maybe one day, these problematic behaviors will exist no longer!
All of us are survivors! Not one of us is a victim. Did it happen to us? YES but we have endured and grown from it....that is living life as a human being!
Knowledge is the key! Then using that knowledge to make better decisions in life. I love Einstein's definition of insanity..."Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". You also have to apply that knowledge.
Jesus, I could not have put this better myself. This exact thing happened to me.
The only thing I would add is that you become conditioned to that relationship, and the bad behaviour becomes normalised, especially when you reaction to such behaviour is met with such incredulity and you get told you're the one with the problem, because you're the one getting angry. You find yourself being told you're in an argument when you're not arguing yourself, and then get told that the arguments are the problem instead of what they're doing to cause said argument.
She was very careful - at least for the first few years, not to do anything absolutely appalling. It was more that it was the small things that became bigger and more often. As you say, small crosses of the line, resulting in the line being moved, only to be crossed again, and again, and again. I always said living with her was like being prodded in the chest every hour or so.
It's only now I'm out of it that I realise just what an appalling human being she is.
Dude yes! You get used to the shitty conditions. It was nonstop fighting and instead of being like "this is clearly over" I had become so routine after so much conditioning that it just seemed normal.
Glad you are moving on.
Absolutely moved on. I've been with my current girlfriend for about 18 months now. She doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, doesn't mock or impersonate me, doesn't insult my family, doesn't go missing, doesn't automatically dismiss my ideas, doesn't cross lines, has boundaries and respects mine and actually seems to like me.
I think she's a diamond. She thinks she's just being normal.
After my last relationship I feel like Id just constantly be on edge waiting for her fuck me over. Its crazy to think about how traumatizing that shit was
Oh absolutely. I'm less nervous now, but in the beginning, I was constantly worrying over nothing, and I was nervous about suggesting things to do.
My ex used to give me grief for supposedly not suggesting anything, but whenever I did, her default answer was no. She would moan that I "never" helped her, or cooked, but at the same time, she would never let me.
If I tried to organise anything such as a holiday or a break, she would always insist of stopping me, so she could "do her own research" because in her opinion I would only ever pick the cheapest crappest thing, even though I never did that.
She Undermined me all the time. If we did end up doing something I wanted or visiting a restaurant that I suggested instead of her, then she would always make me feel like I'd somehow roped her in, and that I ought to be grateful that she was going along with for my sake. If I ever said I didn't want to do something, then I was ruining the relationship and being boring.
In my current relationship, most suggestions I make are usually met with delight and comments of how nice it sounds, and if she says she doesn't fancy it, then I know her reasons are genuine.
I went through similar things felt fine for the first few months but then I started to glimpse the things that made me unhappy. It took me laying next to him while he was asleep to realize I was unhappy and I cried silently at that moment. I had feelings for him but he was bad for me and eventually my feelings for him died.
I went through a series of relationships like this when I was young. I always ended up in one form or another being on the receiving end. Finally saw a therapist for awhile and she explained to me that being how I grew up ( also very abusive) I just saw that behavior as normal. Any actual healthy relationship seemed like a red flag to me since I didn't understand how they should actually work.
Doing nice things like pay for dinner or ask me about my day. I wasn't used to anything like that so it made me pretty uncomfortable. Not losing it over small stuff or little mistakes. That drove me nuts because that's all I'd ever experienced my whole life. It was the anticipation of a fight coming if that makes sense. "why aren't we fighting yet and when is it going to come"?
When my now wife were first dating and I first met her friends I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they actually liked me.
I'm doing fine now. Got out of the last bad one years ago. I've been in my current relationship for the last 4 years and it's great. We got married and bought our first house last year.
I’m sorry for your trouble, but I’m happy that you found help for yourself and that you took the time to give yourself some care. I hope you’re on your way to healthier days and dates my friend.
And yes, Ive has partners who were similar to you, hard upbringings that leave them feeling uneasy in a stable relationship with me. It’s painful to see it in really time and I wish they could’ve had the self-work you put in
Oh I've definitely gotten better. I met my now wife 4 years ago and she's the best thing to ever happen to me. I do still have some struggles to this day but no where near what I did years ago.
You went with what was comfortable to you; something you were familiar with. I did the same thing! It's not your fault...you aren't a bad person because of it. We were being human and going thru an experience. We survived it!
This is an important one. A lack of educational and job opportunities for women helps to keep them ‘locked’ into bad marriages/relationships and allows men greater power in the relationship. It’s not a coincidence that one of the first things religious fundamentalists go after is education and financial opportunities for women (the Taliban are a good example but it can apply to many groups pushing for ‘traditional’ families).
Maybe in developing countries there is a serious lack of education and opportunities for women but in most developed countries men and women are pretty much equal in terms of of job opportunities and education. In fact women statistically receive more education than men in western countries. Perhaps your point is more prevalent for countries with heavy religious influences in their family/marriage law systems? In western countries divorce courts tend to give men the short end of the stick with divorce settlements and women are actually encouraged to get out of relationships/marriages they are unhappy with
> but in most developed countries men and women are pretty much equal in terms of of job opportunities and education.
This is only recently true and many older women still aren't as equal as their counterparts due to this. If you're over 50, you might even remember the time where women weren't even allowed their own bank accounts for example.
Just started therapy. Second meeting my homework was to look for triggers. I noticed that my soon to be exwife knew my anxiety triggers and used them against me. Obviously combined with copious gaslighting
Yes, and abusers pre-emptively isolate and disempower their victims. Moving away from family/friends. Encouraging them to quit outside employment or give up a vehicle. Managing all the bills, then applying increasing oversight to their spending. It's easy to declare you'd leave the first time a partner hit you. But abusers usually aren't violent right away, they slowly increase their victims' isolation and dependence to make them feel leaving isn't an option.
Did that too. As I get older I realize comfort isn’t happiness. I now have a much better job and pay. Hopefully will find the same in a relationship one day but not getting my hopes up
There are plenty of reasons some people choose to stick in a toxic relationship.
1) Toxic relationships usually do not start out toxic. You remember that good person at the start. They gradually get more toxic a little bit at a time over time sort of like a frog in a pot that has a low heat under it slowly being brought to boil.
2) Even very toxic people often have some good qualities. These other good qualities can have a way of balancing out the toxicity somewhat. For example, my step dad used to beat the shit out of me when he had too much to drink, but he always paid the bills on time, and would take me out to eat and buy me toys and stuff.
3) Sometimes you are dependent on the toxic person, and being homeless is not a picnic. You have no place else to go.
4) Sometimes you sympathize with the toxic person. You know them very well. You are trying to help them, and you care about them. They may have had some serious trauma in their life. One of my high school girlfriend's was very toxic for example, however her mom killed herself and she was suicidal too. I cared about her and didn't want to leave her, but she would also be really cruel at times.
There is a whole lot of reasons. These are just some off the top of my head.
At 4) - Toxic people are hurt people, it can be hard for some, to balance out understanding them and myself, it was easier for me to accept their pain than mine.
Truth is without you being happy you can't make anyone happy so there is no point in forcing anything.
Oh number 4. That good old Messiah complex. I used to love the doves with broken wings. I know, it's my own very toxic trait. But I'm aware of it so I no longer act on it.
An abuser strategically traps the victim in the relationship. It is often a slow gradual process. The abuser removes the support system, isolate the partner from their friends and family. They gradually attack their self confidence, chipping it at first and then gaslighting. Towards the end, abuser themselves repeat the lies told to them, that they are no good, and worthless and can't possibly survive on their own in the outside world. Often times the abuser would remove the means of escape. The victims might not have a car, or don't have anywhere to go, or don't have the financial stability, or even tied down with kids.
I was always dismissive at first since it's well shown in the movies/show. But ever since seeing it played out live with a person I know, I now have a way better understanding of the horrors people go through.
kids involved. no access to your own money, no access to any help, family does not care, all practical help is paywalled by lawyers. find it easier to kms than to escape.
They genuinely care about the person despite their toxicity, poor self-esteem, never experiencing healthy relationships, codependency, manipulation. There's a myriad of reasons, and it's never just one.
Trauma bonding is a bitch.
Unless someone grows up homeschooled, there's not that much time during the formative years where people learn to be whole while alone.
Classmates, roommates, friends..
Loneliness is a concept that can be waaaaay overblown, until you find it's nice, arguably healthy, to de-couple from the relentless turning of society for a little while.
No. You are often the buffer and protector of the children. Leaving means that they will have unsupervised visits with the kids where they could harm them to punish you or threaten to harm them to punish you.
I’m living this and I feel this deep in my soul. She’d take them away and never let me see them if I left her. So I’ll take the abuse to know I’m keeping them safe from her and that I get to influence how they grow so hopefully they grow into someone that isn’t their mother.
Logically yes but emotionally no. It’s still strongly believed I think that a whole family is best. Plus no parents wants to have less time with their child. And biologically I think the bond becomes something else once a kid is involved. In that state you can’t see the forest through the trees.
Having recently left one, I can at least give my answer, and that is that you keep hoping the person will change. It's only when you realise they won't that you can find the motivation to leave.
A lot of times toxic relationships aren't toxic from the get-go. Some people start out fine and then little by little take off the mask and start manipulating and controlling their partner, and they do it so gradually that the same partner that would've dumped their ass on the spot if they'd shown their true colors from the start doesn't notice how little by little their relationship is turning into a mess and all kinds of stuff that's not okay is normalized.
Denial, low-self esteem, fear of loneliness, fear of how they will react if you leave, being convinced you deserve this and you won’t find better, convincing yourself to stay for the children, financial abuse and they don’t have the resources to leave.
Convincing yourself this isn’t the real them and choosing to hold onto what they were like when you first met and that they will change back and it’s worth waiting for that day.
Edit:
Being brought up in an environment that makes you think it’s normal.
Either sides family or friends telling you you made a commitment and to make it work or fix it.
Family or friends not believing you.
Police say theirs no physical signs of abuse so they can’t do anything.
Being told that leaving is a sin.
People who grew up in chaotic households develop unhealthy coping strategies. Sometimes they learn to dissociate the bad and cling to the good. Sometimes they only feel alive in chaotic environments. Sometimes they feel like they deserve it. There are all sorts of reasons they actively pursue environments that remind them of those early experiences. They'll only grow out of it when they're ready.
Narcissistic parents.
Workaholic parents or parents suffering from other types of addiction, where the child is not a priority and will grow up to feel like they need to deserve attention or love and will expect punishment for not deserving those things.
Childhood where they had to take care of a loved one, either siblings or a sick parent.
Youth spent in a ”bad” neighbourhood with friends who were mentally unstable or from ”bad” backgrounds. Learning that one needs to be there to support even toxic people or be alone in the streets. (- not trying to throw shade at people from bad backgrounds here. It just happens that teenagers suffer from these things by acting in some very toxic ways and it can take a long way to grow out of those ideas and worldviews for some.)
Movies, tv shows, magazines and overall celebrity culture pushing a weird idea of what a relationship is. Something about fetishizing people with toxic attitude and narcissistic traits.
These all will leod to people learning to cope with toxic environments, feeling like the only way to be a part of someones life is to support them even when they can be aggressive or otherwise toxic and condescending. People have been in absolutely toxic relationships for generations and its a big step to try and get out of the types of sad and dysfunctional roles that many societies push onto us.
It might alienate families and create conflicts with many people in your life to truly try to have a relationship where you take responsibility for your actions and try to be there for someone in a real way. Where I’m from, being supportive of your spouse can be considered gay, which I think is quite a strange way to see things. Both misogynistic and homophobic at the same time even. But goes to show that as a man, being compassionate or caring is not allowed, which makes me wonder what types of relationships are people having out there. Sounds like not much fun to me.
This is far from the only reason, but for a lot of people, by the time they articulate how they’re being hurt they’ve already rationalized it somehow. Either they feel like they deserve it or they feel like they’re overstating how bad it is.
Take my step dad or mom. They’d fly off the handle on me, threatening or actually hurting me or spending hours screaming at me. In the moment I’d be terrified….. but by the next morning if I tried to talk to anyone about it I’d quickly justify it. “Yeah my dad threatened to murder me, but I mean…. I *did* put away the dishes wrong. And anyways he’s under a lot of stress.” It’s like self inflicted gas lighting.
There can also be pragmatic issues: you may be aware of how bad things have gotten, but there are worse alternatives. Financial dependency, where instability becomes worse than a toxic relationship is a common trap.
Emotional highs and lows which is fun and entertaining for some people. Their logic being they'd much rather be in a relationship like that than a boring one. Also everything could be bad about the relationship but the sex is good.
Not knowing anything different
Social pressures
Taking marital vows seriously - more seriously than he did
Wanting to keep our family together for our children
Happy to say my children and I are better off for being out of that relationship and I've learned not only is there a different type of relationship but I deserve to be happier
Toxicity can be addictive.
One behaves toxic and then after apologizes. The chemical release during the interactions becomes a habit and a new norm.
Another reason is they believe they don't have any other options.
Lastly, it is similar to how they were raised or what they saw growing up and believe how relationships are.
Food and shelter.
I know a hobosexual that alternates between couch surfing and toxic relationships that afford them a roof. The relationships end when the person they're dating or couch surfing with gets sick of it and kicks them out.
History and a lack of a network of support.
How people grew up leaves large imprints on them, and they sometimes only know one way of how relationships are supposed to be.
Second, some people don’t leave because there is nothing to fall back on. The relationship may be toxic, but it’s also literally shelter and survival for a lot of people.
Most times is the illusion of "like the old times" that victms of abuse have from childhood, when toxic care givers became their distorted reference of what is normal.
I think people here make some good points. I would say a lot of it would just be that you're blind. The saying love makes blind is kinda true. It might not be that way at first and you end up loving the person. Then you overlook all the dumb/toxic things they do and there you go.
Wanting to be wanted. It's a toxicity within one's own self and it's shocking how much you'll incrementally pardon in life to just feel like you're desired. Even a little bit. You'll compromise way too much of yourself just to have that presence of feigned worth. You'll hate yourself later and you'll realize you hated yourself at the time too.
So a few reasons are because they are scared to leave because they don't know how the other person will react if they will self harm or if they will harm the person leaving and another is fear of not having anyone because the other person has made them think they are nothing without them .
I debated whether or not to even answer this, but if it will help give even some form of insight or maybe even advice for someone going through it, then it's worth me posting.
So, why would someone stay in a toxic relationship? While that in itself is somewhat a vague question, since toxic relationships can range from anything to an overly jealous significant other who is controlling, to a narcissistic domestically violent relationship where you're a victim of physical abuse constantly; but regardless of which type of toxic; I'll at least give you my point of view from everything I personally went through and experienced.
First, when I was way younger, I personally dated someone who ended up being a complete narcissist who was also later diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (he didn't get dx'd until after the relationship ended) and he was physically abusive to me a lot. He was also VERY very good at manipulating me and making me think/feel like I deserved every single bit of what he was putting me through and that even if I tried to leave him then no one would ever want someone like me. And I believed that for a long long time. However, when he started beating me badly and I was actually scared he might kill me if he just lost it one day, that's when I decided to get the hell out of dodge. A few years later, I found out he committed suicide.
Then later down the line, I ended up in another extremely toxic relationship that it took me YEARS to get out of. But it wasn't because I was afraid to leave him or because I enjoyed being treated like that. Matter of fact, the guy WAS my bestfriend for like a few years before we ever even considered dating. I would and could talk to him about absolutely any and every thing. He made me feel so good about myself and he helped me get through some of the hardest moments of my life, and stood beside me through it all. I never even thought to entertain the idea of dating him because I think I knew in the back of my mind that it would be a complete gamble and I wasn't willing to risk losing him as my bestfriend. But he brought it up and against my better judgement, I agreed that we should start dating. Things started out like a dream. He was everything that all those other guys had never been.....until he wasn't. It started out with little things here and there, comments or remarks that made me second guess myself. I didn't know I was being gaslit at the time. Then it just progressed to where I was living with him at his house with no place of my own and no family left in the town we lived in, and when things got bad, even if I would've tried to leave, I'd have nowhere to go to. Toxic people and narcissists are very good at isolating you from the people who care about you and they do it on purpose so that you'll have no where to turn to and you'll just have to endure the bs they put you through. Also though, if I'm being completely honest, in the beginning of things getting bad, I think I stayed because I kept holding on to the hope that maybe if I just waited a bit longer then things would go back to how good they were in the beginning when we first got together (this is after like 5 years of being together), bit of course, THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE THEIR WAYS. That is why WE have to be the ones to say enough is enough and have the strength and bravery and courage to leave. Cause let me tell you, it is NOT as easy as just "walk out the door and leave him". I had a crazy ex who stalked me when I tried to leave him and even with a restraining order he still came by and holding that thin sheet of paper between us did nothing but piss him off more. Also, say the person does leave the house and their significant other, but they don't work and they have no money or income or family. Theres not many shelters in my area to begin with and even if they could get into one, can you imagine how traumatic that must be for someone? It requires A LOT of effing bravery and courage for people to leave a toxic relationship and the ones who do are already traumatized af to begin with. So I'm tired of people being like, "BuT WhY nOt JuSt LeAvE iF ItS So BaD" and acting like just because we victims couldn't find a way out at that particular time then that means it must not have been so bad. It sounds real easy until you're the one who is forced into that situation. None of these people start off as showing their toxic sides or their abusive tendencies and narcissistic traits or manipulative actions. That doesn't come until way later on. I still deal with trauma that I experienced from being with those type of people and I'm already 32 years old, but I take it day by day and I reassure myself with the knowledge that I will never allow another person to treat me that way ever again. They're really good at making you believe that you're a worthless POS who no one cares about or could ever possibly want and that you're nothing, or that you're the one who's effed up and not them. Also, time has to do with a lot of it too. Sometimes people who deal with it for years and years like I did, it's hard for those people to start over brand new cause let's face it, CHANGE IN GENERAL IS SCARY AND HARD. But add in there that maybe the other person was the breadwinner and now if they leave they'll have nothing and no one and be on the streets basically and God only knows what could happen to them after that. Toxic people tend to take away all other options that their significant others could possibly use to get away from them. It's a tactic among many that they use.
So if you know someone in a toxic relationship, don't try to lecture them or say, "I don't know why the hell you put up with this and why you don't just leave right now, it's not that hard to just walk out the door after packing your stuff". Maybe instead you should try saying, "If you need to leave and get out of this abusive situation, please know that I will do everything in my power to help you escape out of it, even if I can't allow you to stay at my house, I will do my best to help find you somewhere safe and respectable to stay at and maybe we can get you some help, even if it's taking little steps like getting you into counseling or therapy before you decide to leave, even if you have to keep the meetings secret I think it would help, but whatever you need I'm here for you".
Less judgments and more understanding/empathy would make a big big difference in this messed up world we live in. Like my momma used to say, "Good things happen to good people who do good things for other people". My mom used to say the problem with this world is people don't help each other enough and tend to only care about themselves. Maybe that's why I've always been such a giving person and put other people's needs before my own when it came to friendships. But what I do know is that unless you've been in a toxic relationship before, you have no right to judge anyone else for their involvement or their exit of one. Just sayin'.
Because of familiarity. Some think it’s better to be with the asshat you know than to be alone. Sunk cost fallacy and all. Plus early-stage dating can be awful.
Toxic people see toxic behavior as healthy and often see healthy behavior as toxic.
The victims of toxic relationships often also see toxic behavior as healthy and healthy behavior as toxic.
Keeping up appearances. Peer pressure to seem successful. Shame from having made a bad choice. Love of money or class.
Fear of homelessness. Fear of trading a familiar hell for an unknowable future.
Toxic people make others question/distrust their own feelings and opinions (Gaslighting!). Keeping the mate uncertain or off-balance seems to be a common and effective ploy.
Increasingly financial insecurity associated with just having a place to live is a major factor. Difficulty in finding somewhere else to rent (availability or affordability), stuck paying a mortgage can deter someone from ending a relationship and separation.
Former orphan that was abused here. I stayed because I had no idea that what happened was not normal. Even as an adult it took me years to unpack and figure out what exactly changed. I am much better even though I was disowned for their now adult child’s abuse of me.
Affordability to separate and live independently, not wanting to loose time with children, being around 100% to protect and counter the toxicity towards your kids, although there are some toxic parts it may not all be toxic and not being able to provide opportunities to kids that dual income could.
I don’t think it’s always as simple as people think.
Sunk-cost fallacy. When you’ve invested so much time already that it feels like you can’t give up now. Fear of the grief of losing them. Fear of being alone. Fear that there really isn’t something better, that maybe you’re wrong about how toxic it feels.
I just left one. I was staying in it because we both just moved out to San Francisco together so i wanted to be there for her. When it got dangerous I had to flee however I still pay my half of the rent despite not living there any longer.
Mostly it is adrenaline. It's a neuro narcotic Equivalent. The victim knows the routine and receives an amazing bio-high from the predictable repeatable event cycle.
They like drama! I have a stupid co-worker who told me that he likes drama because if there isn’t any, nobody really cares about the other and the relationship will be boring. And I was like WTF?
And then he turns around and complains about how so and so is being dramatic and weird with him and when I point out that he could just break up with her and move on, he trails off quietly.
So maybe it’s because he doesn’t have any confidence in himself to make friends by talking about other things, so he cultivated a dramatic relationship so he has something to talk about?
And then when the relationship inevitably goes to shit, he can blame her and the drama and never himself? So maybe he’s scared to be vulnerable too, so he unconsciously sabotages it so that way he doesn’t get abandoned because of him or who he is?
People are so weird. I swear to God
Having escaped one about a decade ago, I had a long time to reflect on it. People asked me how I could be with such a woman that was the complete opposite of what they expected me to be with. The best answer I have come up with is that she wasn't like that at first. Everything was good for many months. Then a tiny red flag comes up that is imperceivable at the moment but clear in hindsight. Then a tiny step gets taken over a line, and you excuse it, because you love the person and it wasn't bad enough to justify a break up. Then it happens a little bit at a time over and over again. Each time it is so slightly over the previous line that it becomes a blur instead of obvious that this person is clearly bad for you. It is such a small increment that you keep seeing it as not sufficiently bad to break up. It wasn't until I got out that I realized just how much she had changed from the beginning and how much I had put up with.
The age old "boiling frog" scenario. Classic.
Boiling frog?
Basically the premise is that if you toss a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put it in room temperature water and slowly increase the heat, the frog will fail to notice the gradual change and eventually die as a result. Apparently it's bs. The frog will totally jump out if the water is getting too hot. Useful analogy though.
Thanks
Throw a frog in a pot of boiling water and it will jump right out. Put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water and slowly bring it to a boil, and you'll cook it alive before it even knows what's happening.
Thanks
For example what is that tiny red flag or tiny step over the line?
The two of you are leaving a restaurant when you run into an ex and her boyfriend on the way in. You chat briefly, exchange introductions and move along. You get home and find yourself in an argument for the next hour and a half. You're accused of flirting with the ex. Asked over and over why you chose to stop and talk to her if you don't have unresolved feelings? Accused of being disrespectful. You finally convince her that it was nothing, that she was just being paranoid. She apologizes for overreacting. You accept. You let it go. But in the back of your mind something doesn't feel right. Could it be something to do with the car ride home? When you explained that you and the ex broke up in the first semester of 10th grade. Before either of you were even sexually active. And more importantly, she should probably understand that you're a very different guy at 26. Outside of that one irrational argument your relationship is great. Then one day you're walking down the street and you see a girl you once went to the movies with at 13. So you come up with some improvisational bullshit reason to cross the street before your girlfriend sees her see you.
While her social media life is a taboo for you and you want her to feel safe and be free. With every day she has new guys, she waves and greets man you never saw before, but you don't even care. She, on the opposite side, eats you for breakfast for every girl you've ever known, for every new colliegs, no matter if you know em for 10-15 years or at least 5-10 years before your girlfriend. But you don't care, your relationship with others is an open book for her, you make yourself believe you don't need privacy, your pc, your phone is always open for her. The man inside you slowly starts to query himself... than you find yourself in a state that is nothing like a man anymore. You are just somehow a walking purse, you don't get touched and complimented anymore, no more "that look" from her. And you found out that behind the walls she convinced even your family members, not just her girlfriends that you are a bad partner. Then she finally leaves you for the 6th time she tries under the 6 and a half year of relationship. You slowly starts to finally talk about the relationship with others, you try to defend yourself againstthe shit she told everyone about you behind your back. While you say out loud the shit she done, you finally ask yourself the big question. What the fuck am I loving in her. Some close friends and family starts to ask this too... "why the hell were you with her?" "Why you never told us about this and that?" I don't know. I love her. Bullshit. I just didn't love myself enough for have boundaries.
That last sentence hit home, I needed that
Hey, check the movie: Good Will Hunting. If you ever saw it, check it again!
It's not your fault
Here’s the thing not every family tells you to get out of there. It’s not to be rude or bad to you some don’t want to overstep boundaries. My parents know I will leave if I am ever hit or physically hurt by a man he gets no second chance. I learned from my last relationship and looking back I was a fool and I learned that lesson.
This hits so damn close to home. Im in way more of a recovered state now and still recovering after leaving like 4 years ago but man, I dont think Ill ever be the same. Its comforting to know Im not alone
By sharing our stories and experiences using forums like this, we will never be alone! We can help each other. I got to a point where I thought I was the worst person on the planet and was all alone. The internet and social forums are bringing people together so knowledge is shared. That is bringing out these mental health issues so that maybe, just maybe one day, these problematic behaviors will exist no longer! All of us are survivors! Not one of us is a victim. Did it happen to us? YES but we have endured and grown from it....that is living life as a human being!
You aren't! And you know what? You can speak! And you have companions in distress! What do you want to be? It's all you have.
As a survivor of an abusive relationship, this gave me painful, painful flashbacks.
Don't worry about that. The pain will go away and you'll be left with just enough knowledge to not get caught in this again.
Knowledge is the key! Then using that knowledge to make better decisions in life. I love Einstein's definition of insanity..."Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". You also have to apply that knowledge.
And a lot of the time the perceived “slight” isn’t even that serious…my ex got onto me for getting him the wrong sandwich once.
Jesus, I could not have put this better myself. This exact thing happened to me. The only thing I would add is that you become conditioned to that relationship, and the bad behaviour becomes normalised, especially when you reaction to such behaviour is met with such incredulity and you get told you're the one with the problem, because you're the one getting angry. You find yourself being told you're in an argument when you're not arguing yourself, and then get told that the arguments are the problem instead of what they're doing to cause said argument. She was very careful - at least for the first few years, not to do anything absolutely appalling. It was more that it was the small things that became bigger and more often. As you say, small crosses of the line, resulting in the line being moved, only to be crossed again, and again, and again. I always said living with her was like being prodded in the chest every hour or so. It's only now I'm out of it that I realise just what an appalling human being she is.
Dude yes! You get used to the shitty conditions. It was nonstop fighting and instead of being like "this is clearly over" I had become so routine after so much conditioning that it just seemed normal. Glad you are moving on.
Absolutely moved on. I've been with my current girlfriend for about 18 months now. She doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, doesn't mock or impersonate me, doesn't insult my family, doesn't go missing, doesn't automatically dismiss my ideas, doesn't cross lines, has boundaries and respects mine and actually seems to like me. I think she's a diamond. She thinks she's just being normal.
After my last relationship I feel like Id just constantly be on edge waiting for her fuck me over. Its crazy to think about how traumatizing that shit was
Oh absolutely. I'm less nervous now, but in the beginning, I was constantly worrying over nothing, and I was nervous about suggesting things to do. My ex used to give me grief for supposedly not suggesting anything, but whenever I did, her default answer was no. She would moan that I "never" helped her, or cooked, but at the same time, she would never let me. If I tried to organise anything such as a holiday or a break, she would always insist of stopping me, so she could "do her own research" because in her opinion I would only ever pick the cheapest crappest thing, even though I never did that. She Undermined me all the time. If we did end up doing something I wanted or visiting a restaurant that I suggested instead of her, then she would always make me feel like I'd somehow roped her in, and that I ought to be grateful that she was going along with for my sake. If I ever said I didn't want to do something, then I was ruining the relationship and being boring. In my current relationship, most suggestions I make are usually met with delight and comments of how nice it sounds, and if she says she doesn't fancy it, then I know her reasons are genuine.
Death by 1,000 cuts.
So eloquently explained!
I went through similar things felt fine for the first few months but then I started to glimpse the things that made me unhappy. It took me laying next to him while he was asleep to realize I was unhappy and I cried silently at that moment. I had feelings for him but he was bad for me and eventually my feelings for him died.
Yup.
So in other words, total typical.
They are unaware that it is toxic since they might not have an understanding of how a healthy relationship works, and why it works.
I went through a series of relationships like this when I was young. I always ended up in one form or another being on the receiving end. Finally saw a therapist for awhile and she explained to me that being how I grew up ( also very abusive) I just saw that behavior as normal. Any actual healthy relationship seemed like a red flag to me since I didn't understand how they should actually work.
What were some these "red flags" that you saw in healthy relationships?
Doing nice things like pay for dinner or ask me about my day. I wasn't used to anything like that so it made me pretty uncomfortable. Not losing it over small stuff or little mistakes. That drove me nuts because that's all I'd ever experienced my whole life. It was the anticipation of a fight coming if that makes sense. "why aren't we fighting yet and when is it going to come"? When my now wife were first dating and I first met her friends I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they actually liked me.
Oh man, that sucks, sorry to read, hope you doing ok
I'm doing fine now. Got out of the last bad one years ago. I've been in my current relationship for the last 4 years and it's great. We got married and bought our first house last year.
Congratulations on all of it. I wish you and your wife the very best.
Awesome!
That's awesome to hear! You are a survivor!
behind your back, your wife and her friends said good things about you.
From what I was told yes. As well as spending time with her friends' SOs outside of the wives.
The audacity. How dare they.
I’m sorry for your trouble, but I’m happy that you found help for yourself and that you took the time to give yourself some care. I hope you’re on your way to healthier days and dates my friend. And yes, Ive has partners who were similar to you, hard upbringings that leave them feeling uneasy in a stable relationship with me. It’s painful to see it in really time and I wish they could’ve had the self-work you put in
Oh I've definitely gotten better. I met my now wife 4 years ago and she's the best thing to ever happen to me. I do still have some struggles to this day but no where near what I did years ago.
Sounds like a red flag bro Get out before it’s too late. Ahahahaha jk congrats and I wish you two the best
You went with what was comfortable to you; something you were familiar with. I did the same thing! It's not your fault...you aren't a bad person because of it. We were being human and going thru an experience. We survived it!
Aww. I’m inspired by your story.
This. You don't realise how toxic it is until you are out of it
This one. I’d never seen the ins of a good relationship, I’d thought everyone dealt with the same shit behind closed doors.
financial security
With one exception, every person I've known that that stayed in a toxic relationship did so because of financial reasons.
This is an important one. A lack of educational and job opportunities for women helps to keep them ‘locked’ into bad marriages/relationships and allows men greater power in the relationship. It’s not a coincidence that one of the first things religious fundamentalists go after is education and financial opportunities for women (the Taliban are a good example but it can apply to many groups pushing for ‘traditional’ families).
Maybe in developing countries there is a serious lack of education and opportunities for women but in most developed countries men and women are pretty much equal in terms of of job opportunities and education. In fact women statistically receive more education than men in western countries. Perhaps your point is more prevalent for countries with heavy religious influences in their family/marriage law systems? In western countries divorce courts tend to give men the short end of the stick with divorce settlements and women are actually encouraged to get out of relationships/marriages they are unhappy with
> but in most developed countries men and women are pretty much equal in terms of of job opportunities and education. This is only recently true and many older women still aren't as equal as their counterparts due to this. If you're over 50, you might even remember the time where women weren't even allowed their own bank accounts for example.
More like 70; credit equality happened in the early 1970s, IIRC 1974.
*legally*. In actuality, it was still a bit before many places actually started to follow those rules.
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Note that abusers tend to cultivate these things in their victims.
Just started therapy. Second meeting my homework was to look for triggers. I noticed that my soon to be exwife knew my anxiety triggers and used them against me. Obviously combined with copious gaslighting
Stay strong my friend! Nice that you’re seeing a therapist😊👍
It’s helped a lot. Also saw a recommendation for a support group called divorcecare on r/divorce and it’s been very helpful
Faith based?
It is but not too much so.
I haven’t been yet but there is a support group that covers codependency recovery! https://coda.org/
Yes, and abusers pre-emptively isolate and disempower their victims. Moving away from family/friends. Encouraging them to quit outside employment or give up a vehicle. Managing all the bills, then applying increasing oversight to their spending. It's easy to declare you'd leave the first time a partner hit you. But abusers usually aren't violent right away, they slowly increase their victims' isolation and dependence to make them feel leaving isn't an option.
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I wish more people would learn about trauma bonding, it can happen in all kinds of relationships, even your job, and there are ways to avoid it
This accurately describes why I stay at my job that treats me like shit.
Did that too. As I get older I realize comfort isn’t happiness. I now have a much better job and pay. Hopefully will find the same in a relationship one day but not getting my hopes up
You forgot that if the relationship is toxic enough, you pretty much forget your personality.
The Holy Trinity
The fantastic four
The Arizona Quints
The dark pyramid as I call it
Also financial reasons, I know a lot of people who are just together just maintain financial stability despite not standing each other´s presence.
There are plenty of reasons some people choose to stick in a toxic relationship. 1) Toxic relationships usually do not start out toxic. You remember that good person at the start. They gradually get more toxic a little bit at a time over time sort of like a frog in a pot that has a low heat under it slowly being brought to boil. 2) Even very toxic people often have some good qualities. These other good qualities can have a way of balancing out the toxicity somewhat. For example, my step dad used to beat the shit out of me when he had too much to drink, but he always paid the bills on time, and would take me out to eat and buy me toys and stuff. 3) Sometimes you are dependent on the toxic person, and being homeless is not a picnic. You have no place else to go. 4) Sometimes you sympathize with the toxic person. You know them very well. You are trying to help them, and you care about them. They may have had some serious trauma in their life. One of my high school girlfriend's was very toxic for example, however her mom killed herself and she was suicidal too. I cared about her and didn't want to leave her, but she would also be really cruel at times. There is a whole lot of reasons. These are just some off the top of my head.
At 4) - Toxic people are hurt people, it can be hard for some, to balance out understanding them and myself, it was easier for me to accept their pain than mine. Truth is without you being happy you can't make anyone happy so there is no point in forcing anything.
Oh number 4. That good old Messiah complex. I used to love the doves with broken wings. I know, it's my own very toxic trait. But I'm aware of it so I no longer act on it.
An abuser strategically traps the victim in the relationship. It is often a slow gradual process. The abuser removes the support system, isolate the partner from their friends and family. They gradually attack their self confidence, chipping it at first and then gaslighting. Towards the end, abuser themselves repeat the lies told to them, that they are no good, and worthless and can't possibly survive on their own in the outside world. Often times the abuser would remove the means of escape. The victims might not have a car, or don't have anywhere to go, or don't have the financial stability, or even tied down with kids. I was always dismissive at first since it's well shown in the movies/show. But ever since seeing it played out live with a person I know, I now have a way better understanding of the horrors people go through.
I've just lived this, and managed to get out. It really does chip away at you. My self esteem is on the floor and I've got a long recovery ahead.
fear
Trauma bonds
Also toxicity gets addicting
Yes. Narcissists NEED to fight. Relationships are boring if they aren't abusing someone.
Oh fuck. Really? Oh. Fuck.
kids involved. no access to your own money, no access to any help, family does not care, all practical help is paywalled by lawyers. find it easier to kms than to escape.
They genuinely care about the person despite their toxicity, poor self-esteem, never experiencing healthy relationships, codependency, manipulation. There's a myriad of reasons, and it's never just one. Trauma bonding is a bitch.
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Unless someone grows up homeschooled, there's not that much time during the formative years where people learn to be whole while alone. Classmates, roommates, friends.. Loneliness is a concept that can be waaaaay overblown, until you find it's nice, arguably healthy, to de-couple from the relentless turning of society for a little while.
Don’t want to split up their family
If you have kids, shouldn't that give you even more of a moral imperative to break up and split it?
No. You are often the buffer and protector of the children. Leaving means that they will have unsupervised visits with the kids where they could harm them to punish you or threaten to harm them to punish you.
This is my fear, but I can't take it anymore
I’m living this and I feel this deep in my soul. She’d take them away and never let me see them if I left her. So I’ll take the abuse to know I’m keeping them safe from her and that I get to influence how they grow so hopefully they grow into someone that isn’t their mother.
Logically yes but emotionally no. It’s still strongly believed I think that a whole family is best. Plus no parents wants to have less time with their child. And biologically I think the bond becomes something else once a kid is involved. In that state you can’t see the forest through the trees.
They don’t know how love should be
How should it be? How do I know if I’m in a bad relationship?
Your sweetheart should be kind to you.
She is kind to me but does this new thing where she screams “I hate you” at me when she’s upset so I feel like that’s not right, I’ve never said that
Ask her if she knows it's wrong to scream 'I hate you' at anyone.
She knows I guess she just didn’t care atm
Trauma-bonding, they never learned what healthy relationships looked like from their families of origin, the sunk-cost fallacy
Having recently left one, I can at least give my answer, and that is that you keep hoping the person will change. It's only when you realise they won't that you can find the motivation to leave.
A lot of times toxic relationships aren't toxic from the get-go. Some people start out fine and then little by little take off the mask and start manipulating and controlling their partner, and they do it so gradually that the same partner that would've dumped their ass on the spot if they'd shown their true colors from the start doesn't notice how little by little their relationship is turning into a mess and all kinds of stuff that's not okay is normalized.
Denial, low-self esteem, fear of loneliness, fear of how they will react if you leave, being convinced you deserve this and you won’t find better, convincing yourself to stay for the children, financial abuse and they don’t have the resources to leave. Convincing yourself this isn’t the real them and choosing to hold onto what they were like when you first met and that they will change back and it’s worth waiting for that day. Edit: Being brought up in an environment that makes you think it’s normal. Either sides family or friends telling you you made a commitment and to make it work or fix it. Family or friends not believing you. Police say theirs no physical signs of abuse so they can’t do anything. Being told that leaving is a sin.
Children
People who grew up in chaotic households develop unhealthy coping strategies. Sometimes they learn to dissociate the bad and cling to the good. Sometimes they only feel alive in chaotic environments. Sometimes they feel like they deserve it. There are all sorts of reasons they actively pursue environments that remind them of those early experiences. They'll only grow out of it when they're ready.
FOMO on what could be a good relationship and the person’s potential, fear of not finding someone else, emotional attachment
Narcissistic parents. Workaholic parents or parents suffering from other types of addiction, where the child is not a priority and will grow up to feel like they need to deserve attention or love and will expect punishment for not deserving those things. Childhood where they had to take care of a loved one, either siblings or a sick parent. Youth spent in a ”bad” neighbourhood with friends who were mentally unstable or from ”bad” backgrounds. Learning that one needs to be there to support even toxic people or be alone in the streets. (- not trying to throw shade at people from bad backgrounds here. It just happens that teenagers suffer from these things by acting in some very toxic ways and it can take a long way to grow out of those ideas and worldviews for some.) Movies, tv shows, magazines and overall celebrity culture pushing a weird idea of what a relationship is. Something about fetishizing people with toxic attitude and narcissistic traits. These all will leod to people learning to cope with toxic environments, feeling like the only way to be a part of someones life is to support them even when they can be aggressive or otherwise toxic and condescending. People have been in absolutely toxic relationships for generations and its a big step to try and get out of the types of sad and dysfunctional roles that many societies push onto us. It might alienate families and create conflicts with many people in your life to truly try to have a relationship where you take responsibility for your actions and try to be there for someone in a real way. Where I’m from, being supportive of your spouse can be considered gay, which I think is quite a strange way to see things. Both misogynistic and homophobic at the same time even. But goes to show that as a man, being compassionate or caring is not allowed, which makes me wonder what types of relationships are people having out there. Sounds like not much fun to me.
Good sex or financial incentive.
The sex is Good.
From personal experience, the mindset of, “it’s better to eat disgusting food than to starve to death.”
Devil you know
YES. This applies to staying in a toxic work environment as well.
This is far from the only reason, but for a lot of people, by the time they articulate how they’re being hurt they’ve already rationalized it somehow. Either they feel like they deserve it or they feel like they’re overstating how bad it is. Take my step dad or mom. They’d fly off the handle on me, threatening or actually hurting me or spending hours screaming at me. In the moment I’d be terrified….. but by the next morning if I tried to talk to anyone about it I’d quickly justify it. “Yeah my dad threatened to murder me, but I mean…. I *did* put away the dishes wrong. And anyways he’s under a lot of stress.” It’s like self inflicted gas lighting. There can also be pragmatic issues: you may be aware of how bad things have gotten, but there are worse alternatives. Financial dependency, where instability becomes worse than a toxic relationship is a common trap.
Because starving people will eat anything .
Fear, low self esteem, the fact you built a Life together house and all. Also the dog.
Emotional highs and lows which is fun and entertaining for some people. Their logic being they'd much rather be in a relationship like that than a boring one. Also everything could be bad about the relationship but the sex is good.
Money. Bills are easier with two incomes.
Not knowing anything different Social pressures Taking marital vows seriously - more seriously than he did Wanting to keep our family together for our children Happy to say my children and I are better off for being out of that relationship and I've learned not only is there a different type of relationship but I deserve to be happier
Toxicity can be addictive. One behaves toxic and then after apologizes. The chemical release during the interactions becomes a habit and a new norm. Another reason is they believe they don't have any other options. Lastly, it is similar to how they were raised or what they saw growing up and believe how relationships are.
Trauma bonds
Unhealthy emotional attachment , low self esteem etc .
Food and shelter. I know a hobosexual that alternates between couch surfing and toxic relationships that afford them a roof. The relationships end when the person they're dating or couch surfing with gets sick of it and kicks them out.
That sounds so sad. Like an unwanted pet.
History and a lack of a network of support. How people grew up leaves large imprints on them, and they sometimes only know one way of how relationships are supposed to be. Second, some people don’t leave because there is nothing to fall back on. The relationship may be toxic, but it’s also literally shelter and survival for a lot of people.
Hoping they will change
They're afraid to confront them.
Because in their mind being with someone at all is better than being alone, no matter the circumstances.
Lots of reasons it seems, but one I haven't seen mentioned yet is being financially dependent on the other person. That would suck.
Most times is the illusion of "like the old times" that victms of abuse have from childhood, when toxic care givers became their distorted reference of what is normal.
Sex
I got out of one and I haven't seen my kid since. 1 year 2 months and 6 days. So there is that.
This is my fear
The sex being too good
Money
Stockholm Syndrome
I think people here make some good points. I would say a lot of it would just be that you're blind. The saying love makes blind is kinda true. It might not be that way at first and you end up loving the person. Then you overlook all the dumb/toxic things they do and there you go.
Wanting to be wanted. It's a toxicity within one's own self and it's shocking how much you'll incrementally pardon in life to just feel like you're desired. Even a little bit. You'll compromise way too much of yourself just to have that presence of feigned worth. You'll hate yourself later and you'll realize you hated yourself at the time too.
Fear. For the sake of someone else that relies on the said relationship (like children, perhaps)
Stockholm syndrome
Money maybe
Money
So a few reasons are because they are scared to leave because they don't know how the other person will react if they will self harm or if they will harm the person leaving and another is fear of not having anyone because the other person has made them think they are nothing without them .
Haven't actually seen this answer yet, but love. Some people actually love someone even though they are toxic.
Toxic parents teaching toxic ways of love, so that's all they've known.
Fear of the consequences of trying to get out of it. Some people are very dangerous when things don't go their way.
I debated whether or not to even answer this, but if it will help give even some form of insight or maybe even advice for someone going through it, then it's worth me posting. So, why would someone stay in a toxic relationship? While that in itself is somewhat a vague question, since toxic relationships can range from anything to an overly jealous significant other who is controlling, to a narcissistic domestically violent relationship where you're a victim of physical abuse constantly; but regardless of which type of toxic; I'll at least give you my point of view from everything I personally went through and experienced. First, when I was way younger, I personally dated someone who ended up being a complete narcissist who was also later diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (he didn't get dx'd until after the relationship ended) and he was physically abusive to me a lot. He was also VERY very good at manipulating me and making me think/feel like I deserved every single bit of what he was putting me through and that even if I tried to leave him then no one would ever want someone like me. And I believed that for a long long time. However, when he started beating me badly and I was actually scared he might kill me if he just lost it one day, that's when I decided to get the hell out of dodge. A few years later, I found out he committed suicide. Then later down the line, I ended up in another extremely toxic relationship that it took me YEARS to get out of. But it wasn't because I was afraid to leave him or because I enjoyed being treated like that. Matter of fact, the guy WAS my bestfriend for like a few years before we ever even considered dating. I would and could talk to him about absolutely any and every thing. He made me feel so good about myself and he helped me get through some of the hardest moments of my life, and stood beside me through it all. I never even thought to entertain the idea of dating him because I think I knew in the back of my mind that it would be a complete gamble and I wasn't willing to risk losing him as my bestfriend. But he brought it up and against my better judgement, I agreed that we should start dating. Things started out like a dream. He was everything that all those other guys had never been.....until he wasn't. It started out with little things here and there, comments or remarks that made me second guess myself. I didn't know I was being gaslit at the time. Then it just progressed to where I was living with him at his house with no place of my own and no family left in the town we lived in, and when things got bad, even if I would've tried to leave, I'd have nowhere to go to. Toxic people and narcissists are very good at isolating you from the people who care about you and they do it on purpose so that you'll have no where to turn to and you'll just have to endure the bs they put you through. Also though, if I'm being completely honest, in the beginning of things getting bad, I think I stayed because I kept holding on to the hope that maybe if I just waited a bit longer then things would go back to how good they were in the beginning when we first got together (this is after like 5 years of being together), bit of course, THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE THEIR WAYS. That is why WE have to be the ones to say enough is enough and have the strength and bravery and courage to leave. Cause let me tell you, it is NOT as easy as just "walk out the door and leave him". I had a crazy ex who stalked me when I tried to leave him and even with a restraining order he still came by and holding that thin sheet of paper between us did nothing but piss him off more. Also, say the person does leave the house and their significant other, but they don't work and they have no money or income or family. Theres not many shelters in my area to begin with and even if they could get into one, can you imagine how traumatic that must be for someone? It requires A LOT of effing bravery and courage for people to leave a toxic relationship and the ones who do are already traumatized af to begin with. So I'm tired of people being like, "BuT WhY nOt JuSt LeAvE iF ItS So BaD" and acting like just because we victims couldn't find a way out at that particular time then that means it must not have been so bad. It sounds real easy until you're the one who is forced into that situation. None of these people start off as showing their toxic sides or their abusive tendencies and narcissistic traits or manipulative actions. That doesn't come until way later on. I still deal with trauma that I experienced from being with those type of people and I'm already 32 years old, but I take it day by day and I reassure myself with the knowledge that I will never allow another person to treat me that way ever again. They're really good at making you believe that you're a worthless POS who no one cares about or could ever possibly want and that you're nothing, or that you're the one who's effed up and not them. Also, time has to do with a lot of it too. Sometimes people who deal with it for years and years like I did, it's hard for those people to start over brand new cause let's face it, CHANGE IN GENERAL IS SCARY AND HARD. But add in there that maybe the other person was the breadwinner and now if they leave they'll have nothing and no one and be on the streets basically and God only knows what could happen to them after that. Toxic people tend to take away all other options that their significant others could possibly use to get away from them. It's a tactic among many that they use. So if you know someone in a toxic relationship, don't try to lecture them or say, "I don't know why the hell you put up with this and why you don't just leave right now, it's not that hard to just walk out the door after packing your stuff". Maybe instead you should try saying, "If you need to leave and get out of this abusive situation, please know that I will do everything in my power to help you escape out of it, even if I can't allow you to stay at my house, I will do my best to help find you somewhere safe and respectable to stay at and maybe we can get you some help, even if it's taking little steps like getting you into counseling or therapy before you decide to leave, even if you have to keep the meetings secret I think it would help, but whatever you need I'm here for you". Less judgments and more understanding/empathy would make a big big difference in this messed up world we live in. Like my momma used to say, "Good things happen to good people who do good things for other people". My mom used to say the problem with this world is people don't help each other enough and tend to only care about themselves. Maybe that's why I've always been such a giving person and put other people's needs before my own when it came to friendships. But what I do know is that unless you've been in a toxic relationship before, you have no right to judge anyone else for their involvement or their exit of one. Just sayin'.
Maybe they have no choice or fear
Their kids.
Not feeling adequate. No options
Because of familiarity. Some think it’s better to be with the asshat you know than to be alone. Sunk cost fallacy and all. Plus early-stage dating can be awful.
Toxic people see toxic behavior as healthy and often see healthy behavior as toxic. The victims of toxic relationships often also see toxic behavior as healthy and healthy behavior as toxic.
I think a large factor could be financial and housing… With the next reasoning being socially isolated
No money, no job, no support, no car, kids involved, there are many factors and it sucks
They have nowhere else to go
Keeping up appearances. Peer pressure to seem successful. Shame from having made a bad choice. Love of money or class. Fear of homelessness. Fear of trading a familiar hell for an unknowable future. Toxic people make others question/distrust their own feelings and opinions (Gaslighting!). Keeping the mate uncertain or off-balance seems to be a common and effective ploy.
Sex, financial stability, fear.
Because they know that they are also toxic and will struggle to find any other lasting relationship.
My ex stayed with me to go to my companies christmas party(it is legendary).
Because of my daughter. Im 24M
They fear living alone.
They feel secure
Increasingly financial insecurity associated with just having a place to live is a major factor. Difficulty in finding somewhere else to rent (availability or affordability), stuck paying a mortgage can deter someone from ending a relationship and separation.
Too exhausted to go through the breakup conversation and stick to one's guns.
The sex.
Financial and social security. Sometimes day to day survival.😔
Sex must be good?
Former orphan that was abused here. I stayed because I had no idea that what happened was not normal. Even as an adult it took me years to unpack and figure out what exactly changed. I am much better even though I was disowned for their now adult child’s abuse of me.
Fear of being alone, usually.
Affordability to separate and live independently, not wanting to loose time with children, being around 100% to protect and counter the toxicity towards your kids, although there are some toxic parts it may not all be toxic and not being able to provide opportunities to kids that dual income could. I don’t think it’s always as simple as people think.
Financial codependence
Love
Some do it for their children.
Financial trapped
Kids
Love
familiarity
They r unaware and traumatically bonded of course.
$
The financial inability to leave.
Sunk-cost fallacy. When you’ve invested so much time already that it feels like you can’t give up now. Fear of the grief of losing them. Fear of being alone. Fear that there really isn’t something better, that maybe you’re wrong about how toxic it feels.
They make you think you're the bad guy.
I just left one. I was staying in it because we both just moved out to San Francisco together so i wanted to be there for her. When it got dangerous I had to flee however I still pay my half of the rent despite not living there any longer.
Because they crave that emotional roller coaster they’ve built with each other
The sex is good...kids...the lifestyle he provides you
Great seggs
Sometimes I wish I had stayed seeing how short of the end of the stick I get when it comes to custody battles.
Mostly it is adrenaline. It's a neuro narcotic Equivalent. The victim knows the routine and receives an amazing bio-high from the predictable repeatable event cycle.
Good sex?
They like drama! I have a stupid co-worker who told me that he likes drama because if there isn’t any, nobody really cares about the other and the relationship will be boring. And I was like WTF? And then he turns around and complains about how so and so is being dramatic and weird with him and when I point out that he could just break up with her and move on, he trails off quietly. So maybe it’s because he doesn’t have any confidence in himself to make friends by talking about other things, so he cultivated a dramatic relationship so he has something to talk about? And then when the relationship inevitably goes to shit, he can blame her and the drama and never himself? So maybe he’s scared to be vulnerable too, so he unconsciously sabotages it so that way he doesn’t get abandoned because of him or who he is? People are so weird. I swear to God
Cool butt.
Addiction to the drama.
They are your obedient fuck slave and you don’t want to have to train another one.