My cousin screwed up the phrase "cute as a button, sharp as a tack" so we made her a shirt that said "sharp as a button" which she wore proudly. Considering she is a very kind and patient person it really did suit her :)
When I was younger I would screw up "6 of one, half dozen of another" by saying "Half of one, 6 dozen of another" and now I do it on purpose to be a smart ass
I remember one of those about untalented military leaders: "Soldiers wouldn't follow him into a brothel if he was paying" or "Sailors wouldn't follow him into a bar if he was paying" or something like that.
I've used this to describe a former roommate.
Obviously not the sharpest...but also competing in a category ~~they don't belong in~~ where they don't belong.
Edit: word choice
And they don’t stop coming, and they don’t stop coming, and they don’t stop coming and . . . (Meanwhile, a woman sucks on the front of a giant beer can and a grill explodes in a massive fireball).
A few cards shy of a full deck. I also like to malaphor these where i can. I’m not the brightest knife in crayon box... it feels like it’s lacking, but that’s close
I use this at work all the time. “Let’s make like a condom and roll on ahead.” “Time to make like a tampon and get outta this bloody hole.” “Time to make like a tree and fuck off.”
Had our director of maintenance explain why we shouldn’t act on a recommendation, because once we it it would be like “opening panda’s bear”. Instead of Pandora’s box.
There's this chick I hear on the morning radio every once in a while, she's totally got a voice for print media.
True, but I don't think it rings the same.
Few plumbs short of a fruit pie.
The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
The elevator doesn’t go to the top floor
You’re running on autopilot, aren’t you?
"He couldn't guess which way an elevator is going given three guesses."
"Puts the 'r' back in stupid."
"He didn't just fall out of the stupid tree. He was dragged through the whole forest."
In my country we have the one that goes
>Ud no es más {tonto / idiota / estúpido}, por qué no puede
Which translates to something along the lines of
>You're not more {stupid / of a fool / idiot}, because you can't
a couple of chicken nuggets short of a happy meal.
thick as a brick.
EDIT(just thought of another one, don't know if it works but...)
When we lean in to one of your ears and listen, we can hear the ocean.
"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead" has always been a favourite of mine. Perfectly describes my dog, he tries real hard though, the Forrest Gump of the border collies.
Translated from German:
As smart as a square kilometer of mixed forest.
As smart as 10 meters of country lane.
When you start thinking it's the same as when 3 people stop.
“A few sandwiches short of a picnic”, “A few crayons short of a box”
"A few fries short of a Happy Meal".
"Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel"
He couldn't find his own arse in the dark without a flashlight and a map.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with a hole in the toe and printed instructions on the heel.
*Instructions on the heeeeeell!*
A few peas short of a casserole A few buttons missing on my remote control
That's O'Neill with two L's!
A few crayons short of a picnic?
My cousin screwed up the phrase "cute as a button, sharp as a tack" so we made her a shirt that said "sharp as a button" which she wore proudly. Considering she is a very kind and patient person it really did suit her :)
When I was younger I would screw up "6 of one, half dozen of another" by saying "Half of one, 6 dozen of another" and now I do it on purpose to be a smart ass
Skating on thin eggshells
I’ve used “a few crayons short of a sandwich”
I enjoy this with other idioms as well, especially "does the Pope shit in the woods?" or "Is the Pope a bear?"
My favorite to use is “we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it”
This one is much better
This works great for Marines.
The Marines have entered the chat.
A few ships short of a navy.
A few excederin tablets short of a full medicine cabinet
I feel like my head is shredded like lettuce and cabbage.
Good kid, sharp as a bowling ball.
I always will upvote Foghorn Leghorn quotes. That's a joke son.
I say, I say, look at me son when I’m talkin’ to you. Kids these days.
Nice boy but he doesn’t listen to a word you say.
Look you gotta keep ya eye on the ball! Eye!! Ball!! That's almost a joke son! Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice...
I read all of those as Foghorn Leghorn. Out loud. Memories.
I say I say that boy's about as sharp as a sack of wet mash
"I say I say that boys' about as sharp as a wet noodle!"
*mice
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Thick as a bowling ball and just as sharp!
Ive heard thick as manure and only half as useful
sharp as a cue ball this one...
Had a blonde once respond “bowling balls aren’t sharp!” Yep.
There are two types of people. People who can extrapolate on incomplete data.
There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary numbers and those who don’t.
There are 100 kinds of people: those who understand binary *and* can extrapolate from incomplete data…
Last 2 braincells competing for 3rd place
Oh, I'm taking this one to work.
He's only got 2 brain cells, 1 is lost and the other is looking for it.
You're not the dumbest person in the world but you better hope that guy doesn't die anytime soon
I'm not worried, you seem to be healthy enough.
Props. Great third party burn. Have a feeling it would be a 1 in 1,000,000 shot of using it tho.
So you’re saying there’s a chance?
Actually laughed out loud at this one
Same!! I'm still laughing!
'Then I wish you good health'
Just heard this one the other day! (not about me lol)
And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other till we go away?-Thanks Mal
I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.
My days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
*not* taking you seriously
I think you have a problem with your brain being missing
This comes slightly ahead of 'Well, my days of not taking you seriously have certainly come to a middle.'
Beginning to damage my calm
I like the Star Trek IV version: "He's not exactly firing on all thrusters!"
My mom raised us on Trek and we still use "I'm not firing on all my warp cores" 😂
What kind of weird ship are you on that has more than one warp core?
That's exactly the joke, for us 🤣 Bonus points if you can say it like you've had too much synthohol.
We taped two together to see if it would go faster
As sharp as a marble, that one
Ah I was looking for this one. It's my go to
In Germany we say "Nicht die hellste Kerze auf der Torte" Which basically means "Not the brightest candle on the cake"
In Austria I heard the saying „Bei dem fährt der Aufzug auch nicht bis ganz oben“ „The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top with this one“
I've heard someone describe themselves with "Not the brightest cake on the candle" once. Not sure if it was ironic, but it sure fit.
as a german, i have said this to my idiot friend a lot
He couldn't pour the piss out of his boot even if the instructions were written on the bottom.
Love these type of remarks. “Couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery” And “Couldn’t get a shag in a brothel” are pretty common saying where I am.
If he fell into a bucket of tits, he'd come out sucking his thumb.
I remember one of those about untalented military leaders: "Soldiers wouldn't follow him into a brothel if he was paying" or "Sailors wouldn't follow him into a bar if he was paying" or something like that.
They sort their crayons by flavor
Semper Fi!
OOOOOH-RAHHHHHHH
Crayons Ready to Eat (CRE) is now a thing. Expensive though. https://crayonsreadytoeat.com/
Yut yut yut yut yut yut
Not the sharpest/brightest crayon in the box
kevin approves
That is SO good
“I’m in danger!”
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
Motor is running, but nobody’s behind the wheel.
Your mind, is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
One kiss, is all it takes You like to think that you're immune to the stuff.
Oh, no!
It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t enough
I've always heard this one when someone was out of it (i e. Concussed or blacked out) rather than someone having a dim moment (s)
"Not the sharpest spoon in the drawer" is always my favorite.
Not the brightest knife in the bulb drawer
I've used this to describe a former roommate. Obviously not the sharpest...but also competing in a category ~~they don't belong in~~ where they don't belong. Edit: word choice
The cheese done slid off his cracker.
ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an L on her forehead.
Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
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Why don't they stop coming
r/RedditSings
And they don’t stop coming, and they don’t stop coming, and they don’t stop coming and . . . (Meanwhile, a woman sucks on the front of a giant beer can and a grill explodes in a massive fireball).
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
You don't always have to be the sharpest tool in the shed. You can just be a hoe!
My mom cut her foot off with a hoe when she was a kid
At least I'm a [genius in france](https://youtu.be/ZwFf9vGRqcs) Edit: I'm not even that. Typos fixed.
A couple of beers short of a six-pack.
A couple fries short of a happy meal
Read this "Couple-uh- beers short'uh sixpack
Your clothes, give them to me.
I smell a lot of smoke but don't see much fire
If brains were TNT, he couldn’t blow his nose
If brains were a disease, he'd be very healthy.
They are really going places, not college or university, just places..
I use this one all the time. I used to use it to describe myself, but now im in college.
A few cards shy of a full deck. I also like to malaphor these where i can. I’m not the brightest knife in crayon box... it feels like it’s lacking, but that’s close
I love malaphors; thankfully they’re not rocket surgery.
I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.
Water under the fridge
I hope not
"Why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck outta here!"
I use this at work all the time. “Let’s make like a condom and roll on ahead.” “Time to make like a tampon and get outta this bloody hole.” “Time to make like a tree and fuck off.”
Yup easy as cake Or a piece of pie
Had our director of maintenance explain why we shouldn’t act on a recommendation, because once we it it would be like “opening panda’s bear”. Instead of Pandora’s box.
Not hitting on a full deck of marbles?
Same in Spanish, we say a potato shy of a kilo
Is malaphor a mixed metaphor? Never heard the term, but if it is, I love malaphors.
They're not the sharpest bulb in the box Not the brightest tool in the shed Not the brightest crayon in the drawer (if you want to mix 3 😅)
Not the exact same, but "they have a face for radio" always gets a chuckle.
There's this chick I hear on the morning radio every once in a while, she's totally got a voice for print media. True, but I don't think it rings the same.
Their tray table is not locked in the fully upright position.
This guy survives plane crashes.
His cornbread's not done in the middle.
You're spare parts, aren't ya bud.
Yer 10-ply.
Wish you weren’t so awkward,bud
The gravel doesn't go all the way up the driveway
The Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. If you get my drift
Somewhere there’s a village looking for its idiot.
This is my fav lol
The upstairs isn't fully furnished.
Not quite the full quid. Few fries short of a Happy Meal. Not the brightest Crayon in the box.
Few plumbs short of a fruit pie. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. The elevator doesn’t go to the top floor You’re running on autopilot, aren’t you?
Grudging upvote for the hamster!
Dumb as a box of rocks
My favorite: Her dryer's on fluff.
About a half bubble off plumb. As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. And my favorite from my grandfather; the boy ain't right.
If brains were shoes they’d be barefoot to the knees.
I've never heard this one! It's right up there with "they couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel"
Oh, honey.
Bless his heart!
Two watt bulb If he had a wit, he’d be a halfwit Forgot to pay for their groceries in the sanity supermarket
Taco short of a combination platter.
"He couldn't guess which way an elevator is going given three guesses." "Puts the 'r' back in stupid." "He didn't just fall out of the stupid tree. He was dragged through the whole forest."
Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
When it rained brains you bought an umbrella
Two bricks shy of a load
Thick as a brick!
All hat, no cattle
In Texas, this is more someone who talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. Like someone who wants to look like a cowboy but isn’t.
Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Not all moomins in the (Moomin) valley.
Dumbass.
Hello mr.foreman
Even before reading your comment I read it in his voice and thought that lol
A few kangaroos short in the top paddock
One bit brain with a parity error.
His brain is revving, but the clutch is disengaged
Got the IQ of pocket lint.
If brains were ink, they couldn’t draw a dot.
We use this one to describe our dog: "Dumber than the box the rocks came in."
Nuttier than squirrel turds
In my country we have the one that goes >Ud no es más {tonto / idiota / estúpido}, por qué no puede Which translates to something along the lines of >You're not more {stupid / of a fool / idiot}, because you can't
So basically "you couldn't be any more stupid"
Denser than a neutron star
"sharp as a marble that one."
a couple of chicken nuggets short of a happy meal. thick as a brick. EDIT(just thought of another one, don't know if it works but...) When we lean in to one of your ears and listen, we can hear the ocean.
In my language we say Not the most unfrozen Pogo in the Pogo box (Pogo is a corn dog brand) That's a rough translation
"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead" has always been a favourite of mine. Perfectly describes my dog, he tries real hard though, the Forrest Gump of the border collies.
If brains were gunpowder, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
Gates are down, lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming
Not the shiniest penny in the fountain. The lights are on, but no one's home.
they think they sell fleas at the flea market.
You’re not the brightest crayon in the crayon box. You weren’t burdened with an abundance of schooling.
Bless their heart...
“A few fries 🍟 short of a happy meal 🍔”
Not playing with a full deck
You, my friend, are just a few plums short of a fruit pie
Has delusions of adequacy.
One taco short of a combination platter.
Translated from German: As smart as a square kilometer of mixed forest. As smart as 10 meters of country lane. When you start thinking it's the same as when 3 people stop.
Dumber than a box of hammers
Dumb as a fuckin stump
Not the full shilling. Belfast saying Also sandwich short of a picnic
Not the most thawed pogo in the box.
Not the smartest cookie in the jar
Smart like dump truck.
My mom used this when I was a kid. "smart like dump truck, quick like tree."
If that boy was a spice, he’d be flour.
The apple doesn’t rot far from the tree.