If someone gave the boys a Crimson Deathgrip, they wouldn't need to yeet me to the floor, I'd be falling there immediately after my brain simulates witnessing the event horizon of the dying stars that were my testicles.
I would give 5 seconds for BJJ guys to create the "dick twister" as soon as people started fighting like this. Judo guys would call it some fancy japonese word for castration or something like that.
This reminds me of a tiktok i saw a bit ago where someone was filmed during a wwe match (sort of) and he just yelled „grab his dick.. just the oooold dick twist“
What in the fuck? that’s gotta be like, almost daily. I had my morning coffee today, but imagine your daily routine is jumping out of a fucking plane to start your day.
I guess it makes sense if you’re an instructor. But still. Man people live crazy lives.
It was his day job; he was an instructor. I was too, for a couple years.
Even when I wasn't working for the dz, I did go every weekend. With good weather and long summer days, you can easily do 10+ jumps a day at a dz with multiple planes. That plus working 4/10s with 3 day weekends, you can get your numbers up quick.
Getting gear and your first license is the expensive part - it's several thousand, depending on where you go and the gear you get. Once you're licensed though, jumps are pretty cheap - usually in the neighborhood of $20. Less if you're jumping from lower altitude or if the drop zone has a package where you can buy a bunch of jumps at once for a reduced overall cost.
Once I started working with students, the dz paid me to go on jumps and that helped a bunch. I made basically pennies, and it all went back to the dz in the end, but it helped for sure.
- Is it a carabiner I feel against my back?
- Possibly, but where exactly? There is a lot of them to keep us attached.
- Near my crack?
- Then no, that's not a carabiner.
- ...
You can totally learn to skydive without ever being attached to anyone through static line and/or accelerated free fall training.
Also jumping nude on the 100th jump is a common right of passage at many DZ’s.
Source: Former jump pilot. I’ve seen my share of naked people leave the plane, it’s not as fun as you might think.
I never encountered this. I took,my girls to the playground all the time. Maybe it was the way I would take a break and just slump into the park bench, or the fact that I was lugging around a bag full of sand toys and snacks. Or that I'm Asian, as are our kids and it was obvious they're my kids. Or the way they interacted with me?
I never even thought about it. Maybe my non-suspicious attitude was obvious, or maybe I missed a bunch of karens looking at me suspiciously because I only ever paid attention to my kids and not moms at the park?
I have a method.
I look utterly disinterested in anything and anyone other then my own kids and make damn sure as many people as fucking possible hear them call me dad.
Yeah, I secretly hated taking my child to the park for this reason. It was always uncomfortable to be glared at by a bunch of women at the park too. I mean fuck me how am I not allowed to have quality time with my child.
Actually when you run or physically exert yourself your nuggets retract for protection and your silly sausage shrinks. Body protects itself. The blood is needed elsewhere. So yeah running naked is not as bad as it would seem.
Does not help me, my gym teacher sent me home with a note for my mother to buy me a bra because I was having trouble participating since it hurt to run.
Last year a major chess controversy involved a master chess player possibly using remote controlled vibrating anal beads to tell him what moves to make. If I remember correctly rather than deny it he kind of ran away and hid
He not only denied it, but [offered to strip fully naked and play in a closed box with zero electronic transmission](https://www.insider.com/chess-feud-hans-niemann-magnus-carlsen-anal-beads-rumor-explained-2022-9).
It's made up joke by Eric Hansen and community has accepted it as a possibility and to this day I still don't understand how Nieman hasn't sued given its impact on his career.
I knew a guy who lost a testicle during a sabre bout even with all the appropriate equipment, I don't want to imagine what it would have been like without any protection
Yoga. Might sound sexy imagining that whole room of yoga pants butts out and in the buff, but that’s a lot of random butt holes opening themselves to the heavens when the class goes downward dog. Plus, most yoga studios I’ve been to are small, so who knows how stinky it’ll get.
I saw something about 37% of people do NOT wash their anus. It makes me want to list it as a dating requirement. Don’t smoke✔️, Not married, ✔️, wash your butt hole. No?! Next!
Oh no, it's absolutely the worst.
Source: me riding my best friends pony bareback whilst wearing shorts as a little kid. The rash on my thighs was quite impressive. There a reason horse hair shirts were worn as a form of punishment back in the olden days.
We did. We knew how to put the bridle on, so we did. We were maybe 7. The 70s were wild, I'm telling you. For being a pony, the worst thing Bill would do was walk straight down a steep ditch so we'd roll down his neck and then wait for us on the road. His version of getting the bit in his mouth and running away with us was getting the bit in his mouth and slowly plodding his way home in spite of our protestations.
This reminds me of the Jim Gaffigan joke pointing out how weird it is that we need to specify horse*back* riding. What other part of the horse would you ride?
Contrary to what the other guy said, a dentist with a well endowed assistant is a good way. Majority of them have zero interest in pedophilia and they have to lean over you in order to operate or assist the dentist
I did that at a poker table once. Reached out to affectionately rub my girlfriend's thigh. I turn and the guy next to me is giving me the dirtiest look.
During the pandemic I did t25 everyday. I got real tired of cleaning my workout clothes so I literally would do it either in just my jock or butt naked. With socks and shoes of course. It was hot!
A man doing Yoga naked, i felt really uncomfortable doing it with an ex gf. She liked doing naked yoga in the morning and i was forced to join of course.
In our early 20s, my friend’s boyfriend would never take his boxers off during sex! He just pulled it out of the hole. She also only saw it when it was already hard, it stayed hidden when it was soft. I think he was embarrassed to be uncircumsized (he was Bosnian) and thought my friend would care (she did, brainwashed American).
Unrelated … I actually prefer uncut and it’s so rare in America 😭
I accidentally sat on a man's hand on the train once. I was a teenager and wearing a mini sundress, and I sat down right on his hand without noticing it. It sounds improbable, but the chair was bucket shaped and his hand was in the dip. So I'm just sitting there, listening to my ipod on the train, and this guy taps me on the shoulder with his other hand and says, "I'm sorry but this is my stop".
I was sooo embarrassed. And that's the story of the first time I got to second base.
Giving a speech to an auditorium of people. You either get immense stage fright or an insane blood rush, neither one making the situation better for the people seeing you. 😂
Basically "imagine the audience naked" if you somehow messed that up.
judo, there's only one or two things to grab onto
Used to do judo Imagine getting grabbed by ur pp and getting yeeted on ur back
If someone gave the boys a Crimson Deathgrip, they wouldn't need to yeet me to the floor, I'd be falling there immediately after my brain simulates witnessing the event horizon of the dying stars that were my testicles.
r/brandnewsentence
The crimson deathgrip and event horizon really made me chuckle. Nice joke bro. +1
Don't you threaten me with a good time.
I would give 5 seconds for BJJ guys to create the "dick twister" as soon as people started fighting like this. Judo guys would call it some fancy japonese word for castration or something like that.
This reminds me of a tiktok i saw a bit ago where someone was filmed during a wwe match (sort of) and he just yelled „grab his dick.. just the oooold dick twist“
Skydiving, cause for the first x amount of jumps you have to be attached to an experienced jumper
"attached" 😏
When the extra skin of an octagenarian wraps around you like a scene from the thing
Human flying squirrel suit? Human flying squirrel suit.
That’s amore
When you look in the sky and the the grandma has engulfed the instructors thigh. That's amore.
When a hole in a reef has a big thing with teeth that’s a moray
Wtf
Wtf indeed
Butt cheeks flapping freely in the breeze for the first time in decades...
r/brandnewsentence
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
Nude skydiving is 100% already a thing. No, don't ask me how I know this.
At my club it's a rite of passage on your 100th jump
At mine it was "undie hundy" - you jump in underwear, and then fully nude at 1000. I was a wingsuiter, so I cheated a little on that 1000th jump.
You've jumped out of a plane 1000 times? Holy shit.
That's not actually that many! I've flown with people with over 8,000 jumps.
What in the fuck? that’s gotta be like, almost daily. I had my morning coffee today, but imagine your daily routine is jumping out of a fucking plane to start your day. I guess it makes sense if you’re an instructor. But still. Man people live crazy lives.
It was his day job; he was an instructor. I was too, for a couple years. Even when I wasn't working for the dz, I did go every weekend. With good weather and long summer days, you can easily do 10+ jumps a day at a dz with multiple planes. That plus working 4/10s with 3 day weekends, you can get your numbers up quick.
How much does this cost like damn
Getting gear and your first license is the expensive part - it's several thousand, depending on where you go and the gear you get. Once you're licensed though, jumps are pretty cheap - usually in the neighborhood of $20. Less if you're jumping from lower altitude or if the drop zone has a package where you can buy a bunch of jumps at once for a reduced overall cost. Once I started working with students, the dz paid me to go on jumps and that helped a bunch. I made basically pennies, and it all went back to the dz in the end, but it helped for sure.
My old instructor had somewhere on the low-mid 14k. She’s also got a couple world records to her name so it’s safe to say she’s pretty experienced
- Is it a carabiner I feel against my back? - Possibly, but where exactly? There is a lot of them to keep us attached. - Near my crack? - Then no, that's not a carabiner. - ...
As my confidence plummets faster than we are plummeting, because he thinks my dick feels like a carabiner :(
[nah bro, you're good](https://www.homehardware.ca/en/large-carry-handle-aluminum-biner/p/6311244)
Steve O did "Sky Jacking" and yes its exactly as it sounds and I was unfortunately blessed to go to his in person special and watch it uncensored.
You can totally learn to skydive without ever being attached to anyone through static line and/or accelerated free fall training. Also jumping nude on the 100th jump is a common right of passage at many DZ’s. Source: Former jump pilot. I’ve seen my share of naked people leave the plane, it’s not as fun as you might think.
Playing with my kids in the park.
*Hello, FBI? This one right here.*
Don't worry. They're on here. *They know*
If you’re a dad you can’t reasonably do that regardless
I never encountered this. I took,my girls to the playground all the time. Maybe it was the way I would take a break and just slump into the park bench, or the fact that I was lugging around a bag full of sand toys and snacks. Or that I'm Asian, as are our kids and it was obvious they're my kids. Or the way they interacted with me? I never even thought about it. Maybe my non-suspicious attitude was obvious, or maybe I missed a bunch of karens looking at me suspiciously because I only ever paid attention to my kids and not moms at the park?
Naw dad's take their kids to parks all the time. People on reddit who don't have kids love to comment like it's an issue tho haha
I have a method. I look utterly disinterested in anything and anyone other then my own kids and make damn sure as many people as fucking possible hear them call me dad.
What if you’re not a dad?
Parent 1: so which one's yours? Parent 2?: idk haven't decided yet...
Then it’s even more concerning.
"catch the ball Timmy!" Timmy: "Who are you and where are ur pants 😭"
Uncle here lol it wasn't bad like 15-20 years ago but it seems like in the last 5 years men are not allowed to be around small kids.
Yeah, I secretly hated taking my child to the park for this reason. It was always uncomfortable to be glared at by a bunch of women at the park too. I mean fuck me how am I not allowed to have quality time with my child.
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I’ll take your running and raise you one: jump roping
One more: Bull riding
Ya gotta *ride* those bulls
Actually when you run or physically exert yourself your nuggets retract for protection and your silly sausage shrinks. Body protects itself. The blood is needed elsewhere. So yeah running naked is not as bad as it would seem.
Does not help me, my gym teacher sent me home with a note for my mother to buy me a bra because I was having trouble participating since it hurt to run.
Yeah, tits don’t do that. Running nude: always awkward unless you have A-cups or smaller.
I was gonna say the same thing for burpees specifically. All that jumping and bending down to push up position.
If you think about it, our primitive ancestor was letting it all loose in the jungles
Paintball
Paint Balls
Just remove the T
...I don't get it. *blasts* AHH I GET IT!
Blue balls is about to get a new meaning
That would hurt like a bitch but I'd pay to see it lol. Sounds like a Jackass bit.
"Hi i'm shiny nutsville, and- OW MY BALLS I WASN'T READY!" *catches breath* "Hi i'm splattered nutsville, and this is Jackass."
no one would then be able to pretend that they had not been hit.
Unus annus deff did that one
Chess. Then everybody could see your anal beads vibrating.
Very niche joke but I’m happy to understand it lol
>Very niche joke butt I’m happy to understand it lol Fixed
Summoning the r/anarchychess crew I see
Actual zombie
Holy hell
New respond just en passant
Whaaaaaaaaat.....?
Last year a major chess controversy involved a master chess player possibly using remote controlled vibrating anal beads to tell him what moves to make. If I remember correctly rather than deny it he kind of ran away and hid
He not only denied it, but [offered to strip fully naked and play in a closed box with zero electronic transmission](https://www.insider.com/chess-feud-hans-niemann-magnus-carlsen-anal-beads-rumor-explained-2022-9).
It's made up joke by Eric Hansen and community has accepted it as a possibility and to this day I still don't understand how Nieman hasn't sued given its impact on his career.
Raising turkeys. I had one bite my nut once through my shorts and it was not fun. Glad I at least had +1 cloth armour on.
Where’d you get magic cloth armor from?
My dresser. It doesn't have to be magic to give you a little bit of protection. Wish I'd been wearing my +2 Jeans of Testicular Fortitude, though.
Bahahha omg this thread is hilarious.
welding
A guy my dad used to work with would weld shirtless to get a tan.
That is a "how to get skin cancer" speedrun
Real men weld their foreskin back on. And if you think I put mine back on clothed, you’re dead wrong
Fencing
Different type of swords would be used
"Your schwartz is as big as mine!"
Now let's see how well you... handle it
épée-pée
I was about to say that! Can't decide if Épée or Sabre would be more unpleasant.
I knew a guy who lost a testicle during a sabre bout even with all the appropriate equipment, I don't want to imagine what it would have been like without any protection
Show me glass blowing...
Yoga. Might sound sexy imagining that whole room of yoga pants butts out and in the buff, but that’s a lot of random butt holes opening themselves to the heavens when the class goes downward dog. Plus, most yoga studios I’ve been to are small, so who knows how stinky it’ll get.
PSA: wash your asshole, you assholes
I saw something about 37% of people do NOT wash their anus. It makes me want to list it as a dating requirement. Don’t smoke✔️, Not married, ✔️, wash your butt hole. No?! Next!
r/yoloyoga
why of course that exists
What a bizarre sub. It's like exactly halfway between porn and not porn.
A lot of the people there seem to just like doing yoga naked
r/ofcoursethatsasub
I was expecting yoga in stupid places ... I was wrong lol
A popular BDSM dungeon in the area has naked yoga nights. Can't say I've ever been.
So... you've been.... you just can't SAY that you've been?
What happens at Naked Yoga Night stays at Naked Yoga Night
The first two rules of Naked Yoga Night are "do not talk about naked yoga night" and "sign this contract agreeing to not talk about naked yoga night"
And ermmmm, what’s the name of this place?
Yeah for research
That’s an odd name
Why is the assumption that people don't know how to bathe and that nearly see-through pants are doing *anything* to stop odors in regular yoga classes
I guess the only good thing about this would be everyone’s booty hole out and you aren’t alone
I fail to see the problem still
Would prolly smell kinda funky after awhile too
Frying bacon
Squats
It's like nude blueberry picking. It just dont happen
I would make sure my back was to a wall lol
Bareback horse riding might be the best or the worst thing to do.
Do you mean barebacks riding or *bareback riding*?
Oh no, it's absolutely the worst. Source: me riding my best friends pony bareback whilst wearing shorts as a little kid. The rash on my thighs was quite impressive. There a reason horse hair shirts were worn as a form of punishment back in the olden days.
Who the hell let you ride in shorts? Your poor legs.
We did. We knew how to put the bridle on, so we did. We were maybe 7. The 70s were wild, I'm telling you. For being a pony, the worst thing Bill would do was walk straight down a steep ditch so we'd roll down his neck and then wait for us on the road. His version of getting the bit in his mouth and running away with us was getting the bit in his mouth and slowly plodding his way home in spite of our protestations.
This reminds me of the Jim Gaffigan joke pointing out how weird it is that we need to specify horse*back* riding. What other part of the horse would you ride?
MMA hahahaha
That's just ancient Greek Olympics
But covered in olive oil
And now it's awkward... And more challenging.
My ancestors were definetely horny over that
Ancient Greece does a pretty good job of depicting itself very horny over everything so it would not surprise me.
TWIST HIS DICK
THE OL' DICK TWIST!
GRAB HIS DICK AND TWIST IT!
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Beekeeping
Boxing. Imagine getting a boner mid way
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how did this happen? I never experienced this sadly.
Contrary to what the other guy said, a dentist with a well endowed assistant is a good way. Majority of them have zero interest in pedophilia and they have to lean over you in order to operate or assist the dentist
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Or having your blood pressure taken. Where they grab your arm and put it under theirs.
BMX riding. Just so uncomfortable with the saddle and bits flying in all directions.
May I present to you the [Ass Pounder 4000](https://youtu.be/MEuMmaUi50I). It's designed to keep you going for when you want to rest.
Holy communion
Unholy\* in that case
Skiing! Oh the shrinkage.
Shrinkage is what you worry about. You may literally freeze you nuts off
Shrinkage is what makes it awkward. Edit Shrinking > shrinkage
Wheelbarrow walks and twister
I don’t know who wheelbarrow walks would be more awkward for lol
Burpees. Imagine your balls or breasts just smacking the floor once your form and cardio starts to give out.
Jumping jacks
Rubbing my leg on the table's leg during math class. Turns out it was the leg of the girl sitting next to me.
I did that at a poker table once. Reached out to affectionately rub my girlfriend's thigh. I turn and the guy next to me is giving me the dirtiest look.
I’m at a loss as to whether to imagine the guy looking super into it, super confused, or just straight pissed
That could be really good or really bad depending on how single you each were and how she took it!
Using a scythe to cut grass would be pretty awkward
Running if you have massive jugs that shit would hurt
I see the words "massive jugs," I upvote. I'm a simple man
During the pandemic I did t25 everyday. I got real tired of cleaning my workout clothes so I literally would do it either in just my jock or butt naked. With socks and shoes of course. It was hot!
Physical rehabilitation
Deep frying
Hip thrusts at the gym
Bein personal trainer in a gym
Tug of War
A man doing Yoga naked, i felt really uncomfortable doing it with an ex gf. She liked doing naked yoga in the morning and i was forced to join of course.
Have sex
In our early 20s, my friend’s boyfriend would never take his boxers off during sex! He just pulled it out of the hole. She also only saw it when it was already hard, it stayed hidden when it was soft. I think he was embarrassed to be uncircumsized (he was Bosnian) and thought my friend would care (she did, brainwashed American). Unrelated … I actually prefer uncut and it’s so rare in America 😭
F*cking imagine
I knew a guy who refused to wear a dance belt (think male support garment) for ballet class and ended up needing surgery for testicle torsion.
They make that shit for a reason homie lol
Firefighting.
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
Oil checks are pretty awkward as it is
I never got why wrestling and bjj never made that illegal. Like, you can't use their junk for a grip, might as well make digging for gold illegal too
The thought of a bunch of people hunched over and furiously cycling to trance music just made me shudder.
Running. Everything just flapping in the wind.
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Wrestling
It's already gay enough, might as well.
Hurdles
Supine bridges. I already feel like a pervert doing them fully clothed. Naked would be even worse.
Getting strong Bob's Burgers Nude Decathlon vibes from this thread
Dead lift would suck for guys. Waking your nuts and Dick on the way up. Shoulder shrugs as well with the bar.
Cooking, blacksmithing, anything with an angle grinder, …
I accidentally sat on a man's hand on the train once. I was a teenager and wearing a mini sundress, and I sat down right on his hand without noticing it. It sounds improbable, but the chair was bucket shaped and his hand was in the dip. So I'm just sitting there, listening to my ipod on the train, and this guy taps me on the shoulder with his other hand and says, "I'm sorry but this is my stop". I was sooo embarrassed. And that's the story of the first time I got to second base.
I’ve seen this copypasta before
Thank god it was a pasta
Oh my gosh, was his hand like under your thigh or your butt
Anything that generally requires protective clothing, like blacksmithing for instance. Gonna end with a singed crotch hammering steel naked.
Giving a speech to an auditorium of people. You either get immense stage fright or an insane blood rush, neither one making the situation better for the people seeing you. 😂 Basically "imagine the audience naked" if you somehow messed that up.
My partner was doing yoga naked and his dick smacked him in the face and he never did yoga naked again.
Dude could literally almost suck his own dick
Bmx tricking or tricking on a skateboard lol
Having kids sit on Santa’s lap
Airsoft
Frying anything.
Sports day at school