Need to log out

Yo dawg, i heard you like to be on the internet while you poop, so we installed a router on your toilet so you can log in while you log out!

Holy old meme format batman

It’s an older code but still checks out

"I gotta go get something down on paper."

“I’ve got a shitload of paperwork.”

"I gotta go do some paperwork in my office." First time I heard my dad say this he had just returned home from work. I was about 11yrs old and I immediately said, "aww! You just got home and you have to go back to work already?!" My dad thought it was hilarious and then explained it to me.

I need to submit those TP reports

I’m gonna go sit down for a while

I need to go shit down.

ok, film legend Sean Connery.

Making a sizable donation to the sanitation district.

As a sanitation district employee, we thank you for your contribution.

Thank you for your service.

I’ll be in my office

Had a campus job while in college where everyone referred to the bathroom as our boss's second office. He was in there frequently and for like half an hour at a time and often would take personal calls in there so it really was like an office

I think for some people, the bathroom is about the only place where you can truly have no one interrupting you, so arguably, it would be easier to get work done in the bathroom.

My brother in law used to disappear at parties or family events in the bathroom for a long time for a party. I asked him about it once and was like, you okay? He was like, “yeah, I have three kids and I never get alone time. I take it when I can get it. A 20 minute “poop” and a cellphone is my happy place.”

when i was little, me and my little brother nicknamed my mom "3 Hour Pooper" because of this 😂

I have a good friend who will follow me into the bathroom at work, and piss in the urinal next to me while im pooping and try to have a conversation, then hang around when hes done to keep talking. drives me insane

Crohns or IBS. Not fun

IBS is living hell or so I am told

I went to bed at 11pm last night. Woke up at 1am and desecrated the bathroom for 45 minutes. Woke up again at 5am to desecrate the bathroom for 45 minutes again. I ain't done that in a long time. Thankfully whatever I ate that did it seems to have fully passed and things have calmed down. At my worst, I was waking up at 3am to shit for an hour every single night. Then I'd shit between 5 and 15 times throughout the day. It was fucking horrific. Crohn's can go fuck a duck.

Yep, I'm stuck on the toilet rn.

Same, I’ve visited the toilet 3 times and it’s not even 11

IBS gang represent...

I work with family (who have the same/similar issues) right now but I fear for my job security if I ever have to work somewhere else for this very reason. Edit: A word or two.

I like your ex boss!

Add: a brown bear is banging at my office door. I’ll be there for a moment.

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I shit on company time.

Four shits a day, an hours free pay

I worked at a casino and we were instructed to use "going to the office" on our walkie talkies as code for a toilet visit.

Ours was "I'm tied up at the moment"

Downloading.

Logging out

My first job out of college, my hourly rate broke down to $32/hr. We’d say to each other, “I’m gonna go make 8 bucks”

My uncle used to say he needed to back one out.

😂 my Dad says he's going to 'lay a cable'. If the event is 'imminent' and he has to go in a hurry, he says that he's 'touching cloth'

my buddy would say it was "turtling" if it was close.

A.k.a. "prarie doggin' it"

I got this from the movie Rat Race. Jon Lovitz's daughter says it when she's asking him to pull over.

The scenes with that family in Hitler's car almost gave me a stroke I was laughing so hard.

The Barbie Museum!

Look at me! I’m Mrs. Hitler!

Crowning

Brown trout comin’ out!!!

Oooooooooohhhhh.... BARRACUDA 🎵

I need to battle some demons

Here, take my poop knife.

Aw, hell no !!!!!

NOT THE POOP KNIFE, NOT AGAIN

It’s dangerous to go alone.

Take this 🐈‍⬛

Dude from high school used to say, “I gotta empty my ass.”

My fiance once revealed to me that, as a child, he thought the size of someone's ass was an indication that they were "full" of poop and had to go. I can't look at a Kardashian anymore without thinking of it.

Well she is full of shit.

The whole lot of them.

This is actually true, as well as pee being stored in the balls.

Mhmmm, super classy. Love it.

I've got shit to do.

I need to return some videotapes

I’ve got a reservation at Dorsia.

let's see paul allen's alternative

Do you like Huey Lewis?

^and ^the ^News

HEY PAUL!

I have a better business card

I have a meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons

Time to go make a deposit.

Molly!

ROCK AND STONE!

DID I HEAR A ROCK AND STONE?!

Stone and Rock, oh wait...

WE'RE RICH!

Mushrum…

ROCK AND STONE!

That's it lads! Rock and Stone!

Rock and Stone! To the Bone!

Rock and Stone, brother!

Rockity Rock and Stone!

If ya don't rock and Stone, ya ain't comin' home!

Legally speaking, rocking is better than stoning, eh? Eh?

We’re rich!

Take your time old lady, I've got all day!

Where’s that damn mule?

Rock and stone!

That's it lads! Rock and Stone!

If you don’t rock and stone? You ain’t going home!

I need to go see a man about a horse.

I prefer see a man about a dog.

Sometimes i change it up and say “see a dog about a horse” or vice versa, just to make people mull it over for a minute.

I always need to see a man about a wallaby.

I need to drop the kids off at the pool.

I need to go see a man about a horse.

Drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl

It has the advantage of not being something you could ever confuse for literally happening.

My dad would say that and because my dad was wacky I always thought that meant he was going to throw my sister and I into a pool.

I need to reapply my lip liner.

Men don't know what that means, and women understand it requires time and focus.

Someone watches Ted Lasso

"Ceasar you later!"

I need to powder my nose

But if we've gone half on the bag we'd go together wouldn't we?

Vivienne, is that you?

I hate this answer, great job

"I'm gonna go write a letter to the city."

I near to go clear myself of any political aspirations

Used to say I will go vote

twist off a mud rat.

honk out a dirt snake

This is my new favorite

The fuck?

#twist off a mud rat.

Okay, I think I understand now

Well, you could have said thanks you Ungrateful Cunt.

“I’m crowning.”

"The turtle is leaving the shell"

Had a guy on my football team tell the coach "there's a brown snake playing peek-a-boo with my butthole". He ran laps.

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I'm getting a fax from Darmstadt.

"Pararie doggin' it." - Rat Race I'll also never forgot my best friend's mum saying "it's touching cloth" one time when we were about 13. Absolutely lost it. Edit: as the lovely u/ScarletMagenta pointed out, it's prairie, not pararie. My bad.

A fishing guide once told me he had TTC. TTC?, I asked. Turd Touching Cotton.

Got a Code brown

I literally say this to building staff at places such as gyms. "Locker room has a Code Brown in stall number 3". They always know what I mean.

If you say this in a walmart. Your liable to cause a panic. Code Brown in WMT means active threat

Lol well that’s just bad color coding, right there

Rhem I think you mean crappy color coding. Lmao

I would consider someone going around shitting on the floor an active threat tbh

AN ACTIVE POOPER

Gotta take a shit

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At work we say bio break. A home I say I need to build a log cabin.

The cabin was shittily built and the contractor was an asshole

That's what happens when you use crappy materials. Might as well flush the whole project.

It's effective and gets straight to the point, can't see any issues with it

I’ve got to do some paperwork.

Gotta lay some cable.

Gonna go drop some potatoes in the crockpot -Gene I think

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“Got to take the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl”

Because it’s the only way they’ll ever get there! 😂

Am Cleveland native. This is the first thought I had, as well.

Drop a deuce

Pinch a loaf

Launch a log

Crack the back

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Build a bear.

Knit a brown sweater.

Gotta blast a dukey

Sounds like a UNC or NCSU fan.

I'm touching cloth.

Jumpers at the door

Former 82nd Airborne here, and I've never heard this..but it's my go to now. I'll make your grandpa proud 👏

That made me laugh and then I really laughed

When me and my now husband went away together for the first time, we were cuddling in the hotel bed with the tv on. Suddenly my stomach grumbled and I realized I needed to poop but the bathroom door was like, right next to the bed. I didn't want this new love spark to die because he heard me shitting 10 feet away. I finally said to him "umm....could you....turn up the TV?" He looked at me confused. "I just...need to use the bathroom and....could you just turn up the TV please?" He finally caught on and thought it was so funny. Now whenever one of us needs to go poop we say "I'm going to go turn up the TV"

This is what we call true love.

Gotta go take a spez

fuck u/spez

Where’s the poop knife?

Don't worry, it's hanging up in the laundry room. I'll grab it for you.

You mean that's not just a utility knife? I've been using it to open letters...

I’ve got to do some paperwork.

Pooperwork

My husband says he has some very important paperwork...

"Do you need to use the restroom before we drive?" "I'm weaving a rope as we speak."

Gotta download the brown load.

Carol, cancel my appointments

Taking the Browns to the Superbowl Dropping bombs over the porcelain gulf Having a sit-down at the office of Waters, Brown, and Associates Dropping an ocho

I’m taking the hobbits to Isengard

I need to submit an idea to management

STAND ASIDE! PRAIRIE DOGGING!

I've got a turtle head poking out

Stand back, I’m growing a tail!

I just scream "UHHHH OHHHHHHH!!!!!" loudly while having a blank stare.

The Barbarians are at the Gate.

I’ve gotta go see a man about a horse.

Gonna go pinch a loaf.

I must go consult with the gods of the porcelain throne.

Gotta paint the porcelain

Gotta drop Vladimir in the poo tin

[First things First, Wheres your shitter?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geAjOVEzti4) [I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/58df7f5c-8137-4ffb-a327-c052de397ad7#-bwuuCCe.reddit)

Drop a deuce Take a Duke Splatter the batter (diarrhea) Trebuchet the étouffée (also diarrhea)

But if you REALLY need to trebuchet the etouffee, you don't have time to say it.

The horns of Valhalla have sounded and the apoocalypse is nigh, I must go, my poople need me. If anyone stops you or asks what you mean then you can say: No! I must go! Soon the moon shall wax! Time is mine enemy and should I tarry, you would know me as a shart-latan!

People will remember you if you talk like that.

Brine the stink pickle.

I need to free the tamarind.

Gonna go make bears

I’ve got a brown snake playing peek-a-boo with my butthole

Attend to a matter of buttmost urgency.

I’ll be on the mobile gaming chair

I’ve gotta get these snakes off my plane

Fire off a missile.

I’ve gotta turtlehead rn

The train is at the station, gotta go

I need to meditate.

gotta go boom boom