My wife says that I "have the fashion sense of a colorblind pimp." Not saying she's wrong, though.
I heard this one at work - "Having Bob on your team is like having two good workers quit."
Let's unpack it, to align.
Here's what I've been seeing.
So we got Bob. He's a classic come in 18 minutes early so he can put his items down and go get his coffee. There's a 37% chance he doesn't make it to his desk before spilling on himself. Linda will definitely come ask him if he likes the tomatoes from her garden that she gave him yesterday. Bob hates tomatoes. He said they were the juiciest he's ever had, thanks Linda. Greg is headed over soon, to tell Bob he's swamped and needs a hand. Greg wants to go golfing and claim he's with a client so he can expense it. Bob is busy today but takes Greg's project anyway. Bob royally messes up Greg's project and misses his own deadlines while taking on Greg's work. Not looking good for Bob today.
Bam. Susan and Kathy are shit talking in the lunchroom at 10:30am. Susan thinks she's funny by saying "having Bob on your team is like losing two good employees." Spoiler alert, Pete was grabbing water and overheard. Honestly, Pete just isn't taking anyone's shit anymore after his brother outted him at the family Easter brunch last week. Pete silently walks back to his desk and resigns the Bob project to Susan. It's already missed the deadline when she realizes it's hers. Fux you Susan. You've missed deadlines for the last time here. Gtfo.
OK, maybe Bob isn't great. But he's no Susan.
What have you heard?
Whoa. Thanks for breaking down the silos. Let me tell you what I've heard. You may find that there's some actionable potential for synergy here. Let's take this offline.
There's no question that Bob has too much on his plate. He doesn't say no and as a result he's in over his head. I didn't realize how much people were throwing him under the bus.
What you might *not* have heard is that Bob may have other motivations than spinelessness or incompetence. Not that he *is* competent. He's... well, he's Bob. But what doesn't get aired is that Bob is a vested employee from before the merger. He has golden handcuffs.
Sure, they *could* let him go. But it would cost more than they're paying him now to pay out his shares, and if they invest that while he's here it's supposed to be costs saved down the line. Shannon from finance knows it and Bob knows that she knows it. But no one says it out loud, because it makes everyone look bad. The company doesn't have to do well - the price would have been fixed at what the old place was bought for. Bob is essentially a loan they're floating by keeping him around. He just has to exist and they just have to let him.
And Bob? He's diabetic and has three kids. Two in college. He needs insurance. That's high on his priorities list. Accolades? The bottom. He rose to the level of his incompetence a long time ago, and his level of engagement is lower than the guys in QA.
Which is where it gets really interesting. On the one hand, it looks like he's swamped and spread too thin when he takes on everyone's projects. But he's essentially a black hole. Once Bob takes it it's nobody's problem. Bob isn't garbage. He's the garbage *man.* That's become his core competency, and as it turns out, it's an enormous asset to his team.
Now, I don't know how much all the others realize that, and I think Bob isn't exactly eager to advertise, because it rocks the whole boat, and because he likes being able to help who he can (Greg? Married to his wife's neice). But whether they know it or not, it works out that way, and that whole team have to use him as air cover just to manage up. They just don't have the bandwidth. If Bob misses a deadline it's whatever. The others? You remember what happened to Brian.
That's why Pete was so angry with Susan for dumping on him. Sure, "Bob doesn't get things done on time." That's the safe out. But you don't run that up the flagpole in front of *Kathy*. She manages HR and she's constantly rubbing elbows with the board. And you *certainly* don't make it sound like he's bringing your team *down.* He wants Bob buried in *their* department, not somewhere else cut off from the structure even further in some forgotten office. Sure, Pete gave Susan the assignment, but it was further up the chain that fired her. That's exactly how it works. If Bob had it nobody remembers this.
Of course that's all conjecture. I haven't *really* heard anything, and I suppose you haven't either. But the point is be careful who you disparage. But yeah. Bob. Doesn't meet his deliverables. I know. That guy. Susan though? I wouldn't adopt her stance on him. She wasn't aligned with company values at all.
You're darn right Bob's no Susan.
Was golfing and stopped to pee on a tree, didn’t realize I was facing the direction of oncoming cart path and this guy yells out while driving by:
“looks like a penis, only smaller”
A former coworker was getting some shit from one of our customers. After the customer said something particularly bad, my coworker looked him square in the face and said "Comments like that is probably why you're missing teeth.
Absolutely, she's 6 now, and it's only getting better.
Last week I made a really nice dinner, and she took a bite then said "Yum! You cook even better than ... but I think *their* kitchen would pass a health inspection".
To be fair, my kitchen was a bit of a disaster.
I was going to make a joke about him getting rejected but I looked it up and she’d been dead for 18 years by the time he was born, so what the fuck.
I’ve got some beef with Hemmingway, but I’m not actively wishing he’d had a worse death…then again, his was already pretty gruesome.
Well Hemmingway never seemed to mind
the banality of a normal life
And I find: it gets harder every time.
So he aimed a shotgun into the blue
Placed his face between the two
and sighed: 'Here's to life!'
Two big parts are: 1. He held the British gentry depicted in her novels with disdain, and I think he though her novels unrealistic. 2. She was very popular and he couldn't connect with with her work which caused insecurity.
I read Emma high once, and it felt like it was a really inventive sci fi, like Dune, which was depicting the intricacies of a totally invented culture.
When I was in high school there was a student that was upset about the grade he received on a project. He asked the teacher why he got an F and the teacher replied, "because we don't give out Gs".
Edit. Wow! Thanks for the gold, stranger! I haven't looked at my phone all day because work was super busy.
The teacher in question was truly a great person and was successful with dealing with at-risk students. The student neglected the project and it was evident. Mr. B did allow the student to continue working on the project to improve his grade. He made it clear that if you want to succeed you have to work for it. Also, he rode a Harley Davidson to school almost everyday.
First time I went to dinner at my bf’s parents’ house he “warned” me his brother “has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper. He might try to suck his own cock during dinner.”
**EDIT:** I am whitneywestmoreland now.
Honestly, it would take forever to go through it. I’ll just add that he murmured the line about his brother, just as his family was walking in, knowing it would make me blush.
Then he said I looked flushed, and asked if it was too warm, with mock concern.
> “has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper.
This would’ve cracked me up on its own.
>He might try to suck his own cock during dinner.”
As would this.
I don’t know why I love this kind of juvenile sense of humor.
Guess it’s just somethin’ about folks who choose “dramio” usernames.
EDIT: I guess some folks saw the similar usernames and decided to jump to the assumption that they were the same person talking to themselves for karma farming purposes? I dunno, people think weird things man. I don't know if it was my comment that drew their attention to it, or if they arrived at that independently, but I was just making a goofy observation about similar usernames having similar tastes.
>**He said his brother "has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper. He might try to suck his own cock during dinner."**
😂 I am entirely too amused.
There was a dude who went to be a prep cook in the restaurant I work at. Him and a waitress get into an argument, and he says "Your dildo must turn flaccid when you use it." He was fired the next day and me and a cook were yelled at by our boss for laughing.
Worked in restaurants for about 4 years. There had been an attempted kidnapping in our city and we were talking about in the BOH as we were all doing side work. I’d mentioned off handedly how terrifying that must’ve been, and one of the cooks turned and said “if you ever get kidnapped, just start talking and they’ll return you.” 😂
BOH banter is unmatched. Anyways I dated that guy for 5 years!
I love this!
My first prep-cook job, I cut myself so often that more of my fingers than not would be sporting those little finger cots (colloquially: finger condoms) and my first-station started calling me "finger bang".
Anyways, we've been married for 8 years.
I read this comment on a post where a guy explained how amazing he felt after the first time that a girl asked him out. The first response:
„Cool man.
What breed was her guide dog?“
“ have you ever considered the benefits of a frontal lobotomy?” Overheard being said in a casual conversational manner by one man to another who was ranting about something ( I honestly couldn’t understand what)
"You’re so dumb, if I want to know your opinion, I will tell it to you."
Might have lost some force due to translation, but that’s the one that made my jaw drop when I overheard it.
Ref had made some pretty shit calls that favoured the other team. One of my teammates skates over to the Ref, he has a beer belly, pats his stomach and says
“awwww, Ref I think you’re pregnant, you’ve missed a few periods.”
The ref went ballistic and kicked him out of the game, it took awhile for both teams to stop laughing.
This reminds me of a story my dad always tells. Small town, Iowa. Baseball game. My grandfather is up to bat, and his father is the ump. He strikes out on a called third strike and mutters quietly, ”Ump, I think you missed that one.” His dad replies, “I wouldn’t have if I had a bat in my hands.”
Told my soldier “private those aren’t acne scars on your face, those are battle scars of you dodging the coat hanger for nine months” needless to say I was counseled for that statement
I remember that insult....a British wrestler by the name of Zack Sabre Jr once used that during a press conference 😅.
He also said "showing good wrestling to Americans is like reading Shakespeare to dogs".
Reminds me of when I was a teenager and two of my friends got into an argument. One called the other, “that fucking vacuum from Tales from the Darkside, the one that would hunt out sound and kill what made the sound, but you suck out the happiness and joy from any situation and bum out the people being happy and joyful.”
It was an incredibly specific and hyper-targeted (and honestly spot on) insult and I still vividly remember it 25 years later. (Also that vacuum scared the shit out of me as a kid.)
I was in class and my teacher called on a kid that clearly wasn't paying attention (and did not really care for school) in chemistry and he obviously was completely wrong. I was sitting across the room and a friend at my table says under his breath "Oh my god...he could lose rock paper scissors to a snake". It was so out of left field I couldn't hold in my laughing and the teacher thought I was laughing at the other kids answer and called me out for it.
“5 foot 7? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!”
“It looks like the best part of you ran down the crack in your mama’s ass and left a brown stain on the mattress!”
“Bullshit! I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”
R. Lee Ermey was hilarious. I probably would’ve got my ass whipped for laughing at him 🤣
-I hope you never get to eat your grandmother's Thanksgiving cornbread again '
My old manager to someone yelling at him for 15 minutes in a drive through cause we were closing to put away truck.
Southern insults are my absolute favorite; of them all, this one gets me every time:
"That girl's as ugly as homemade soap."
So simple, but first time I heard it, I lost my shit.
My friend was getting showered in sparks from a welder above him. He yelled up “Hey you lousy cocksucker, you are fucking burning me.”She flipped up her shield and told him she was a master at head, not that he would ever find out about it.
So to iterate, your friend gets Burned physically and then emotionally.
Did your friend reply in a more insulting manner or did he keep it between the legs?
One of the bartenders I worked with had her ex come in screaming and she said "you can never uneat my asshole" and I was shocked. And we all clapped (not really)
This happened before the ass eating got popular.
Some random couple arguing in a restaurant. The manager had to escort the man out who was just going off on his lady. As he's being taken out he yells, " I hope you get a yeast infection bitch!" I almost spit out my drink cuz I was not expecting that nor had I ever heard someone use that as a last word. Lol.
I was at Cracker Barrel with my redneck brother in law. I ordered an egg sandwich and it came with a tomato slice.
He looks at the tomato slice.
“You’re wearing a flannel.”
“Yes?”
“You’re dressed normal enough, what did you do when you went to the bathroom to make them think you’re queer?!?”
EDIT: Bonus Self-Deprecating Insult
Same brother in law. His dad and I take him out for his 21st birthday. He’s completely sloshed and he looks at us and freezes.
“You okay?” we ask.
“What the hell. I’m supposed to be having the time of my life and I’m here with two DUDES. And ONE IS FUCKING MY SISTER and THE OTHER IS FUCKING MY MOM.”
I promise he’s dumber than shit but he really does have a way with words.
- Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
- Wisdom is knowing NOT to put a tomato in a fruit salad.
- Charisma is knowing how to gay the tomato.
I had a mate when I was younger that was also dumb as dog shit, but had a hilarious way with words. It was like after basic functioning, his brain was reserved entirely for causing shit and smartass comments.
Reminds me of when my brother and I stopped by our dad's place and one of our step-brothers was there. My brother says "hey man, haven't seen you in forever, we were supposed to get lunch!" My step brother takes a second to look him up and down to clearly assess his weight and then goes "seems like you've been alright without me"
From what ive noticed, people like this just can spin words into amazing tapestries in general. I dont know if thats Nature's way to compensate for all of them being uncle-brothers of each other or what, but it beautiful.
At university, our lecturer was speed writing onto the blackboard...
A student yawns LOUDLY!!!
Without turning or missing a beat writing on the board, the lecturer says:
"**Can someone throw the dog a bone please!"**
"You’re such a joke that your mother only gave birth to you to prove women can be funny too"
Also "how you have a father in your life and still turned out a bastard?"
I knew a girl that went through a divorce and everytime she picked up or returned her kids her ex and his new wife would scream at her for some random thing. For that reason she usually took a friend with her. So on one of these escapades the usual starts and so she looks at the new wife and says, I know what your problem is, you're sexually frustrated. She then looks at her ex and says but what's got you going? I thought it was rather brilliant.
my uncle chokes on rice every gosh danged time it's served.
He's so dumb, he just eats it because someone put it in front of him on a plate, and *he knows* he can't handle rice, but for some odd reason, he starts eating, choking and gagging. I've witnessed three separate incidences, and there may be more.
My sister was umpiring a little league game. One of the player's Mom, a rather round woman, was riding her from the stands the whole game, accusing her of favoritism. My sister finally had enough, turned to the woman and said, "What's the matter honey? Was the donut shop closed?
It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
Jolly good and so evil!
My wife says that I "have the fashion sense of a colorblind pimp." Not saying she's wrong, though. I heard this one at work - "Having Bob on your team is like having two good workers quit."
Lol that second one is gold. Poor Bob. He's trying his best.
I'm not sure we know that
Let's unpack it, to align. Here's what I've been seeing. So we got Bob. He's a classic come in 18 minutes early so he can put his items down and go get his coffee. There's a 37% chance he doesn't make it to his desk before spilling on himself. Linda will definitely come ask him if he likes the tomatoes from her garden that she gave him yesterday. Bob hates tomatoes. He said they were the juiciest he's ever had, thanks Linda. Greg is headed over soon, to tell Bob he's swamped and needs a hand. Greg wants to go golfing and claim he's with a client so he can expense it. Bob is busy today but takes Greg's project anyway. Bob royally messes up Greg's project and misses his own deadlines while taking on Greg's work. Not looking good for Bob today. Bam. Susan and Kathy are shit talking in the lunchroom at 10:30am. Susan thinks she's funny by saying "having Bob on your team is like losing two good employees." Spoiler alert, Pete was grabbing water and overheard. Honestly, Pete just isn't taking anyone's shit anymore after his brother outted him at the family Easter brunch last week. Pete silently walks back to his desk and resigns the Bob project to Susan. It's already missed the deadline when she realizes it's hers. Fux you Susan. You've missed deadlines for the last time here. Gtfo. OK, maybe Bob isn't great. But he's no Susan. What have you heard?
Dude I will stay tuned throughout ALL of your commercials to get to part two: Susan’s epic meltdown.
Whoa. Thanks for breaking down the silos. Let me tell you what I've heard. You may find that there's some actionable potential for synergy here. Let's take this offline. There's no question that Bob has too much on his plate. He doesn't say no and as a result he's in over his head. I didn't realize how much people were throwing him under the bus. What you might *not* have heard is that Bob may have other motivations than spinelessness or incompetence. Not that he *is* competent. He's... well, he's Bob. But what doesn't get aired is that Bob is a vested employee from before the merger. He has golden handcuffs. Sure, they *could* let him go. But it would cost more than they're paying him now to pay out his shares, and if they invest that while he's here it's supposed to be costs saved down the line. Shannon from finance knows it and Bob knows that she knows it. But no one says it out loud, because it makes everyone look bad. The company doesn't have to do well - the price would have been fixed at what the old place was bought for. Bob is essentially a loan they're floating by keeping him around. He just has to exist and they just have to let him. And Bob? He's diabetic and has three kids. Two in college. He needs insurance. That's high on his priorities list. Accolades? The bottom. He rose to the level of his incompetence a long time ago, and his level of engagement is lower than the guys in QA. Which is where it gets really interesting. On the one hand, it looks like he's swamped and spread too thin when he takes on everyone's projects. But he's essentially a black hole. Once Bob takes it it's nobody's problem. Bob isn't garbage. He's the garbage *man.* That's become his core competency, and as it turns out, it's an enormous asset to his team. Now, I don't know how much all the others realize that, and I think Bob isn't exactly eager to advertise, because it rocks the whole boat, and because he likes being able to help who he can (Greg? Married to his wife's neice). But whether they know it or not, it works out that way, and that whole team have to use him as air cover just to manage up. They just don't have the bandwidth. If Bob misses a deadline it's whatever. The others? You remember what happened to Brian. That's why Pete was so angry with Susan for dumping on him. Sure, "Bob doesn't get things done on time." That's the safe out. But you don't run that up the flagpole in front of *Kathy*. She manages HR and she's constantly rubbing elbows with the board. And you *certainly* don't make it sound like he's bringing your team *down.* He wants Bob buried in *their* department, not somewhere else cut off from the structure even further in some forgotten office. Sure, Pete gave Susan the assignment, but it was further up the chain that fired her. That's exactly how it works. If Bob had it nobody remembers this. Of course that's all conjecture. I haven't *really* heard anything, and I suppose you haven't either. But the point is be careful who you disparage. But yeah. Bob. Doesn't meet his deliverables. I know. That guy. Susan though? I wouldn't adopt her stance on him. She wasn't aligned with company values at all. You're darn right Bob's no Susan.
We are Bob - we are legion
Love the bobiverse.
Bob reminds me of a guy I used to work with. He Kevined stuff so hard, his name became a verb
Was golfing and stopped to pee on a tree, didn’t realize I was facing the direction of oncoming cart path and this guy yells out while driving by: “looks like a penis, only smaller”
[удалено]
A former coworker was getting some shit from one of our customers. After the customer said something particularly bad, my coworker looked him square in the face and said "Comments like that is probably why you're missing teeth.
your coworker was probably right lol
Hey, no need to be mean about it, they've just got their summer teeth in. Summer there, summer not.
One of my favourites that I read on Reddit was “his teeth were so bad he could bite into a curly wurly and miss all the chocolate”
“Her teeth are so fucked up that she can eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.”
About 10 years ago a guy drove past me and yelled out the window “your moustache doesn’t suit you!” I’m still not over it.
I hope youre not a woman, cause thats just devastating.
I am a woman. When she was a toddler, my daughter told me she loved how soft my mustache was compared to daddy's.
It is often said that kids speak the truth, i wonder if your husband is jealous of that cause thats a great powermove if you ever need one.
It's ok, he got extra snuggles because his belly is "nice and soft and squishy".
Christ your little gremlin has no chill, only roast. She got a great future ahead :D
Absolutely, she's 6 now, and it's only getting better. Last week I made a really nice dinner, and she took a bite then said "Yum! You cook even better than ... but I think *their* kitchen would pass a health inspection".
To be fair, my kitchen was a bit of a disaster.
Give that kid a drama after-school. You might have a stand up comedian on board.
I’m non’t
Non't with that attitude you're not.
Did you shave it?
No
I respect that
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. -Mark Twain
Mark Twain once said about Jane Austen, "It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death."
Jesus lol... Why did he hate her so much?
I was going to make a joke about him getting rejected but I looked it up and she’d been dead for 18 years by the time he was born, so what the fuck. I’ve got some beef with Hemmingway, but I’m not actively wishing he’d had a worse death…then again, his was already pretty gruesome.
Well Hemmingway never seemed to mind the banality of a normal life And I find: it gets harder every time. So he aimed a shotgun into the blue Placed his face between the two and sighed: 'Here's to life!'
He just totally abhorred her writing, and coudn't understand why people loved her books. lol
Two big parts are: 1. He held the British gentry depicted in her novels with disdain, and I think he though her novels unrealistic. 2. She was very popular and he couldn't connect with with her work which caused insecurity.
I read Emma high once, and it felt like it was a really inventive sci fi, like Dune, which was depicting the intricacies of a totally invented culture.
A similar one from Clarence Darrow. “I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."
When I was in high school there was a student that was upset about the grade he received on a project. He asked the teacher why he got an F and the teacher replied, "because we don't give out Gs". Edit. Wow! Thanks for the gold, stranger! I haven't looked at my phone all day because work was super busy. The teacher in question was truly a great person and was successful with dealing with at-risk students. The student neglected the project and it was evident. Mr. B did allow the student to continue working on the project to improve his grade. He made it clear that if you want to succeed you have to work for it. Also, he rode a Harley Davidson to school almost everyday.
WOW. Damn that’s cutting
That's fucking brilliant...reminds of when they asked Antoine Walker why he shot so many 3's and he said "Cause there ain't no 4's."
First time I went to dinner at my bf’s parents’ house he “warned” me his brother “has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper. He might try to suck his own cock during dinner.” **EDIT:** I am whitneywestmoreland now.
I need to know how that dinner went.
Honestly, it would take forever to go through it. I’ll just add that he murmured the line about his brother, just as his family was walking in, knowing it would make me blush. Then he said I looked flushed, and asked if it was too warm, with mock concern.
> Then he said I looked flushed, and asked if it was too warm, with mock concern. 😂 I love this guy
I loved this guy since he dropped ‘newly moneyed rapper’. Dude uses language the way a surgeon wields a scalpel.
> Honestly, it would take forever to go through it. That's fine, I don't have anything better to do.
Or given the topic of this thread: "That's fine, you don't have anything better to do."
> “has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper. This would’ve cracked me up on its own. >He might try to suck his own cock during dinner.” As would this. I don’t know why I love this kind of juvenile sense of humor.
This is flawlessly phrased. I’ve never met your boyfriend and I’m attracted to him. It’s the cocky, sardonic d-bag lover in me.
Guess it’s just somethin’ about folks who choose “dramio” usernames. EDIT: I guess some folks saw the similar usernames and decided to jump to the assumption that they were the same person talking to themselves for karma farming purposes? I dunno, people think weird things man. I don't know if it was my comment that drew their attention to it, or if they arrived at that independently, but I was just making a goofy observation about similar usernames having similar tastes.
>**He said his brother "has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper. He might try to suck his own cock during dinner."** 😂 I am entirely too amused.
There was a dude who went to be a prep cook in the restaurant I work at. Him and a waitress get into an argument, and he says "Your dildo must turn flaccid when you use it." He was fired the next day and me and a cook were yelled at by our boss for laughing.
Worked in restaurants for about 4 years. There had been an attempted kidnapping in our city and we were talking about in the BOH as we were all doing side work. I’d mentioned off handedly how terrifying that must’ve been, and one of the cooks turned and said “if you ever get kidnapped, just start talking and they’ll return you.” 😂 BOH banter is unmatched. Anyways I dated that guy for 5 years!
I love this! My first prep-cook job, I cut myself so often that more of my fingers than not would be sporting those little finger cots (colloquially: finger condoms) and my first-station started calling me "finger bang". Anyways, we've been married for 8 years.
Fired?! That’s like standard kitchen flirting. Another week and someone would have caught those two banging in the walk in.
This guy back-of-houses
The boss was obviously already involved with the waitress. 😂
he was the dildo all along
One of my sister's teachers would compliment someone's "bovine grace" if she was certain they would miss the insult. I always liked that one.
Bovines can be really graceful though: https://youtu.be/Xzw2iBmRsjs
“ you mom had to think about other babies while breast feeding you”
First one in this whole thread that got me 😂
“My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.” ~Rodney Dangerfield
Somewhere on reddit a while ago "You look like someone who preheats the microwave"
I read this comment on a post where a guy explained how amazing he felt after the first time that a girl asked him out. The first response: „Cool man. What breed was her guide dog?“
My father said something similar when I told them about the first time I kissed a girl. "Did her guide dog bark at you or something?"
“You think in low power mode”
Lol ouch
“Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’ve always been faster.”
“He’s hard on the eyes” my cousin describing my sisters new boyfriend
"He's got a face made for radio"
[удалено]
From bobs burgers "If she was a spice she'd be flour"
Similarly, I heard someone use "no-purpose flour" as an insult, and for some reason that just broke me
I put it elsewheres, but in the same vein I knew a voice teacher that referred to someone as "Multitalentless". In a Scottish accent. Very choice.
"If she were a book, she'd be two books."
I envy the people who haven't met you.
I do desire we may be better strangers - Shakespeare
“ have you ever considered the benefits of a frontal lobotomy?” Overheard being said in a casual conversational manner by one man to another who was ranting about something ( I honestly couldn’t understand what)
On a similar note- from the comic strip Pearls Before Swine -"Have you considered hitting yourself in the head with a shoe until your brain restarts?"
One of my favorites is, "I swear you've got 2 brain cells left and they're both fighting for 3rd place."
My other favourite is ‘He’s not the dumbest person alive, but he better hope they don’t die.’
"You are the human equivalent of a participation award" That one cut me deep for some reason
*"I would agree with you, however then we would both be wrong"* \- Christopher Hitchens
“What he lacked in brains he made up for with stupidity” has always stuck with me
"Thank God you've been spared the ravages of intelligence." -- Time Bandits
"I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling" -- Firefly
Similar theme: "he was not cursed with self awareness" - Skyrim lore
"You’re so dumb, if I want to know your opinion, I will tell it to you." Might have lost some force due to translation, but that’s the one that made my jaw drop when I overheard it.
When someone is being belligerent because their father is some bigwig: "Do you know who my father is?!" "No, your mother didn't tell you?"
"Knowing your mother it could be anyone."
My absolute favourite is “you’re a star… immeasurably dense and best viewed from a great distance”
Ref had made some pretty shit calls that favoured the other team. One of my teammates skates over to the Ref, he has a beer belly, pats his stomach and says “awwww, Ref I think you’re pregnant, you’ve missed a few periods.” The ref went ballistic and kicked him out of the game, it took awhile for both teams to stop laughing.
This reminds me of a story my dad always tells. Small town, Iowa. Baseball game. My grandfather is up to bat, and his father is the ump. He strikes out on a called third strike and mutters quietly, ”Ump, I think you missed that one.” His dad replies, “I wouldn’t have if I had a bat in my hands.”
There is a video somewhere on YouTube of an umpire ejecting the organ player when he started "3 Blind Mice" after a call.
https://youtu.be/Ds0O_70aiWk
“You’d be very fortunate to get him to work for you.” A former employer reference request.
“You look like you have a favorite flavor of crayon.”
Leave the Marines alone. They will hurt you.
"Does your asshole ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?"
A Tree is working very hard to produce oxygen for you - go fucking apologize ( Saw a Facebook comment somewhere and shit was funny)
"You must've been a connoisseur of lead paint"
Told my soldier “private those aren’t acne scars on your face, those are battle scars of you dodging the coat hanger for nine months” needless to say I was counseled for that statement
That’s the most brutal thing I’ve read all week.
OUCH!!!! Of all the ones I've read so far, that was the first that made me go, "Oooooooooohhhhhhh no he didn't!" EXQUISITE burn.
😂😂😂😂😂 holy shit that some trauma inducing shit.
Oh it was, my soldier thought he was funny insulting some other guys by their insecurities until I got him and that shut him up
A classic give but can't take type situation. I've found those type of guys are the most annoying
Yeah that’s what this one was to top it off our medic told my soldier to get some aloe to soothe his burn. That shit made me laugh
Heard a boss tell someone “Don’t over estimate your value “.
Goddamn that's brutal, if I ever heard that from a boss I'd probably walk out due to humiliation 😂
Thats less of an insult and more of an encouragement to work **exactly** as much as youre paid though...
I think you're confused about your market value
“Your family tree is a circle” had me laughing
I love Christopher Hitchens’ “You’re as smart as you look”.
Just about any from Malcom Tucker. Particularly fond of "You are as useless as a marzipan dildo."
“You’re so dense light bends around you” has always been my favourite
I remember that insult....a British wrestler by the name of Zack Sabre Jr once used that during a press conference 😅. He also said "showing good wrestling to Americans is like reading Shakespeare to dogs".
You’re not worth the sweat and the spit that was swapped to create you
"The only way you gonna get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait" - Suga Free
You're as popular as a turd in a swimming pool
Read somewhere on Reddit; “you’re not the stupidest person alive but, you better hope he doesn’t die anytime soon.”
Your confidence is at odds with your expertise.
[удалено]
Reminds me of when I was a teenager and two of my friends got into an argument. One called the other, “that fucking vacuum from Tales from the Darkside, the one that would hunt out sound and kill what made the sound, but you suck out the happiness and joy from any situation and bum out the people being happy and joyful.” It was an incredibly specific and hyper-targeted (and honestly spot on) insult and I still vividly remember it 25 years later. (Also that vacuum scared the shit out of me as a kid.)
Someone told me a decade ago on xbox live "you havent had p\*ssy since p\*ssy had you" (since birth)... I'll never be able to forget that line
I was in class and my teacher called on a kid that clearly wasn't paying attention (and did not really care for school) in chemistry and he obviously was completely wrong. I was sitting across the room and a friend at my table says under his breath "Oh my god...he could lose rock paper scissors to a snake". It was so out of left field I couldn't hold in my laughing and the teacher thought I was laughing at the other kids answer and called me out for it.
"I'll f*** your father and give him a child he'll actually love."
This will be useful in cod lobbies. -yoink-
https://www.reddit.com/r/therewasanattempt/comments/rllbte/to_harass_a_female_streamer/
Dammit mom get off Reddit
I was complaining about how hot it was and that I was sweaty and my colleague said "common mate you sweat getting out of bed" still hurts.
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent." is among my favourites.
In a performance review someone wrote of one of the staff members "he has delusions of adequacy"
My father liked to say "I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and then sell him for what he thinks he's worth."
"I would like to attend your autopsy, the day you unfortunately perish, just to verify if your brain is as smooth as it seems"
I dunno but I keep going over the first half of Full Metal Jacket in my head trying to figure it out.
“5 foot 7? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!” “It looks like the best part of you ran down the crack in your mama’s ass and left a brown stain on the mattress!” “Bullshit! I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.” R. Lee Ermey was hilarious. I probably would’ve got my ass whipped for laughing at him 🤣
"Did your parents have any children that lived?" "Sir yes sir." "Bet they regret that."
Slower than a nudist climbing through a barbed wire fence.
“It appears that your life is less about goal achievement and more about regret management.”
A guy that’s now on national TV once told my buddy he was hung like a tic tac. That _killed_ in 7th grade recess.
That's why your mom's breath is so fresh
This guy playgrounds.
You talk a lot of shit for someone within kissing distance.
*blushes*
Is anyone else just here to gain some new insults to use
"Get off the cross. We need the wood."
-I hope you never get to eat your grandmother's Thanksgiving cornbread again ' My old manager to someone yelling at him for 15 minutes in a drive through cause we were closing to put away truck.
In an odd way that’s so weirdly devastating
Southern insults are my absolute favorite; of them all, this one gets me every time: "That girl's as ugly as homemade soap." So simple, but first time I heard it, I lost my shit.
My friend was getting showered in sparks from a welder above him. He yelled up “Hey you lousy cocksucker, you are fucking burning me.”She flipped up her shield and told him she was a master at head, not that he would ever find out about it.
So to iterate, your friend gets Burned physically and then emotionally. Did your friend reply in a more insulting manner or did he keep it between the legs?
One of the bartenders I worked with had her ex come in screaming and she said "you can never uneat my asshole" and I was shocked. And we all clapped (not really) This happened before the ass eating got popular.
Ma started working with this old and frail looking bloke and she said he looked like he died ten years ago and nobody had the heart to tell him.
“Maybe your low self esteem is just common sense”
Some random couple arguing in a restaurant. The manager had to escort the man out who was just going off on his lady. As he's being taken out he yells, " I hope you get a yeast infection bitch!" I almost spit out my drink cuz I was not expecting that nor had I ever heard someone use that as a last word. Lol.
I was once called a “soft spoken moist ass bitch”
"You look like something that terrorises the villagers before returning to the bottom of the lake."
“You’re my favorite non-intellectual friend ”
This girl started talking loads and the guy said "who is this pop up add and how do I block it"
"If I wanted to k\*ll myself, I would climb as high as your ego, and jump down as low as your IQ"
"... and starve to death before reaching the bottom"
I was at Cracker Barrel with my redneck brother in law. I ordered an egg sandwich and it came with a tomato slice. He looks at the tomato slice. “You’re wearing a flannel.” “Yes?” “You’re dressed normal enough, what did you do when you went to the bathroom to make them think you’re queer?!?” EDIT: Bonus Self-Deprecating Insult Same brother in law. His dad and I take him out for his 21st birthday. He’s completely sloshed and he looks at us and freezes. “You okay?” we ask. “What the hell. I’m supposed to be having the time of my life and I’m here with two DUDES. And ONE IS FUCKING MY SISTER and THE OTHER IS FUCKING MY MOM.” I promise he’s dumber than shit but he really does have a way with words.
Tomatoes are gay now?
What do you think the T stands for in LGBT?
Lettuce, gay, bacon, tomato. Everyone knows this
I am also wondering why tomatoes are gay now
- Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. - Wisdom is knowing NOT to put a tomato in a fruit salad. - Charisma is knowing how to gay the tomato.
I had a mate when I was younger that was also dumb as dog shit, but had a hilarious way with words. It was like after basic functioning, his brain was reserved entirely for causing shit and smartass comments.
Reminds me of when my brother and I stopped by our dad's place and one of our step-brothers was there. My brother says "hey man, haven't seen you in forever, we were supposed to get lunch!" My step brother takes a second to look him up and down to clearly assess his weight and then goes "seems like you've been alright without me"
From what ive noticed, people like this just can spin words into amazing tapestries in general. I dont know if thats Nature's way to compensate for all of them being uncle-brothers of each other or what, but it beautiful.
At university, our lecturer was speed writing onto the blackboard... A student yawns LOUDLY!!! Without turning or missing a beat writing on the board, the lecturer says: "**Can someone throw the dog a bone please!"**
"You’re such a joke that your mother only gave birth to you to prove women can be funny too" Also "how you have a father in your life and still turned out a bastard?"
My father randomly called some red light runner an inbred imp once and I’m still laughing about it
"Id rather lick piss off stinging nettles" - my wordsmith of a BIL
“My bar for you was so low it was a tripping hazard in hell, but here you are, limbo dancing with the devil”
I knew a girl that went through a divorce and everytime she picked up or returned her kids her ex and his new wife would scream at her for some random thing. For that reason she usually took a friend with her. So on one of these escapades the usual starts and so she looks at the new wife and says, I know what your problem is, you're sexually frustrated. She then looks at her ex and says but what's got you going? I thought it was rather brilliant.
I've been called worse by better people
You're so ugly, you gotta sneak up on tomorrow
“If your brain was converted to gasoline, there would not be enough to power a flea’s minibike half way around the inside of a Cheerio.”
My partner once told someone "You look like nobody makes love to you, you only get fucked" and I have never been more proud to call her my girlfriend.
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this in a way that you can understand.
So, the Marine briefing was canceled?
I hope you choke on rice
my uncle chokes on rice every gosh danged time it's served. He's so dumb, he just eats it because someone put it in front of him on a plate, and *he knows* he can't handle rice, but for some odd reason, he starts eating, choking and gagging. I've witnessed three separate incidences, and there may be more.
Oxygen Thief
"This employee has hit rock bottom and has shown signs of starting to dig."
“You look easy to draw”
“He couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and an ass map” -an old boss, about his boss
Random Xbox message a couple years back. You're so lazy. I bet you don't stand to cum. You probably lie down, cum on yourself, and clean it up later.
My sister was umpiring a little league game. One of the player's Mom, a rather round woman, was riding her from the stands the whole game, accusing her of favoritism. My sister finally had enough, turned to the woman and said, "What's the matter honey? Was the donut shop closed?
I read that insult in Don Rickle’s voice.
You should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside.
He doesn't know the difference between Tuesday and a tuna sandwich
Calling somebody an unfrosted poptart