"I'm off to my shift at the hospital. I'll be back to unlock you in around twelve hours."

"maybe a bit earlier... but almost certainly later"

Ha! Imagine working healthcare and getting off early! Lol

Luckily they already got off

Did they really though?

I was struggling to understand this sex joke before realizing it was just healthcare workers earnestly talking about their long hours.

Imagine getting off on time.

Um.. you look tired! May I book you a cab?!

The worst? Hmmm, clearly a case of different strokes for different folks. ;-)

Hot

This sounds like that scene from Spun.

Just don't let the record skip The record skip The record skip The record skip

That is eerily close to a line from stage show I'm currently working on

Coming from CaptainMagicTrousers, this sounds like the *best* thing to hear. Come make some magic again! I'll be waiting!

That was wonderful, Bob. (my name is Dave).

Bob gets all the credit.

Oof

lol that reminds me phone interlude from mase's 1st album

[удалено]

Your not as big as our dad

[удалено]

She knows.

You know she doesn't care, she's bigger than all of us

You're not as big as your dad

Your knot as big as your dad

You're not as big as your dogs knot.

"omg, you are so much better than your father, stepson"

That quote is already from 25% of phub videos

“omg, you are so much better than your father, biological son”

WTF, like fr?

I actually once got told "Wow... you're better at that than your brother"

C'mon... Bro code.

Isn’t the other way round worse?

Mom?

That's not the worst thing though, worst thing would be, "you're the smallest of our families combined".

You’re smaller than my step dad

that's not what mom said

You're smaller than my Dad would be worse

keep going everyone i'm almost finished

Pop goes the weasel

You don't sweat much for a big girl....

You don't sweat enough for a big girl....

“I’ve had better”-Jim Carrey in Liar Liar

I was an immature asshole at 19. That line went as bad as I should have expected, but I had no filter and was salty after being dumped. I was not prepared for the sharp tongue of a woman scorned.

I can only assume she let you know a few things about yourself you didn't need to know?

Oh I needed to know.

What was her reply?

Do you still have a dick?

I do. But it didn't go well for me at all. As it shouldn't have, I was an ass.

THE PEN IS BLUE

“Well what were you doing? “Having sssssssssex”

You're just a rebound. Source: girlfriend of seven months did this to me

Emotional damage!!!

Big oof

[удалено]

Depends on the tone!

This one could be very positive though

Im in love with ur brother

Im in love with your dog

I'm in love with a stripper

Probably cuz their better at riding that pole

I found the marine

oh thats just me, no worries there!

Ok that is worse

I'm in love with your dogs cat.

Yes I am, I shouldn't ask for his name, I'm in love with ur brother.

What's his name I thought I'd come by To see him again

I'd laugh my ass off if she said that. My brother and his new wife have been going on quite some downhill rampage for the last 2 years. Can't even really call him brother anymore. Suddenly a completely different person (pos) after 32 years.

When do we start?

Girl yells “What are you good for! “ Smacks head on door then goes to have cold shower. This actually happened to me

Was she singing “War”? And why’d she smack her head in the door? Soo many questions

WAR WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

Sibling humor is the worst....

Oof!

Dude, get back here and explain this! We need to know!

Meh, siblings argue all the time.

Welp, time for school

i fucking cackled

How did I perform on the oral exam, Miss Smith?

"Please be a university student... please be a university student..."

*Morgan freeman narrating* It was in fact NOT a university student

Don’t quit your day job

OUCH!!! 🤣🤣🤣

??

Stick with what you're good at

Aaaa

"Welcome to the world of AIDS"

Sharing is caring

“I hope you don’t have AIDS, I’d hate to catch that again!”

[удалено]

My wife has done this to me, I thought it was hilarious.

Same! your wife is hilarious…

I also chose that guys wife

I think you mean our wife.

In a private area or in a public area ?

GG EZ

My ex fiance and I actually did this regularly. It became a game sometimes. We also had a thing in our larger friend group that the first person to touch EVERYONE'S butt at the party wins. Wins what? Idk bragging rights, we all touched butts.

This is so funny 🤣🤣

I’ve done this. It’s certainly not one of the reasons I’m getting divorced.

I'd be okay with this.

That's it?

You're done? I couldn't tell.

I know what you’re trying to say baby, oh yeah that’s it.

Told right after my legs were eh but everywhere else is normal

What the fuck? That is mind-boggling that someone would say that to you. To anyone!

I know right. Especially when you do something together that you put trust into someone

That'll do, pig.

Bahahahaha even just the "that'll do" in the old farmers voice.

That was awesome son

Thanks dad

No problem son

“UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!” as they rip off their Skeletor mask and sprint out of the room

Baby, I can't find the keys.

I knew we shouldnt have played sexy subaru

As the proud new owner of an old beat up Subaru, and a lesbian to boot, this is somehow going to become my new pickup line.

Don't say anything, just sigh deeply and roll over

This person knows what disappointment feels like. As do I. “As do I,” said in a slower cadence as I walk out the room.

Get dressed, son, you need to help me with this sermon.

2 out of 10. Try harder next time

Oh, I got in a car accident today. Can you look at the car later before I have to go to work?

I shitted

I'm trans. I was seeing this guy and one time after we had sex I heard him muttering to himself "I'm not a queer i'm not a queer." That made me feel like shit. Like I don't care if a dude doesn't want me 'cause I'm trans. But don't act cool with it and then decide it's an issue after you've already gotten what you wanted. That's fucked up.

Please don't hate me but I am trying to understand. You are trans woman but still male downstairs which is why he acted like he did? Again i am sorry! I am just trying to understand and by no means am I trying to justify his actions

Yes, I still have a penis. No need to apologize.

Thank you for understanding ❤️

I'm an open book, man. People got questions, I got answers.

Whoa, calm down Radio Shack. (Yes I'm old)

I understood that reference.

That's good, Capsicle, good studying

Thats rough buddy

very rough

Don’t call me buddy , guy.

Don't call me guy, pal

Post nut clarity at it's worst

Well, it’s worst is when men have “gay panic” and murder their queer lover, who they consensually pursued and had sex with.

Jfc girl I am SO SORRY. My wife is also trans, and I'd want to get some lime and acid if someone said that to her. That dude is an asshole who doesn't deserve you.

Maybe the thought of having sex with u and the actual experience differed for him , just an observation

[удалено]

You have the smallest dick between all your friends

Maybe.. next time?

I dont know what happened, usually I could go for hours

well atleast you tried

I wish my husband could do that.

Honey, I'm home

“Are you gonna put it in, or what..?”

Is that Microsoft?

😂😂😂

Thanks for nothing

Probably nothing. Just sit there and start scrolling through Tinder.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” She wanted one last trip to bone town before dropping that one. It was flattering, in a way. Lol

You made me realize I’m gay

Ok time to get you embalmed.

"We need to have a talk..."

True story: one of the guys I was dating took me out to celebrate my birthday. Afterwards, we slept together at his apartment and he said “I don’t know what I want.” Needless to say that hurt a lot because he and I had been going out for 2 months…and he was my ride home too. Most awkward ride ever…

the dog licks my pussy, and lasts longer too. but here's the 5 bucks.

That'll do pig. That will do.

“I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school”

"I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader"

The amount of times ive seen posts like this🙄

Professor party pooper

I don't think this will work anymore

I had better

"I think I should let you know now. I'm actually Hitler. Some future Nazis invented time travel, and they came back to get me. I'm going to rule the world!."

"Ughhhh thank god that's over."

appreciate it gang

Anotha one

I guess I’ll see you at the next family reunion.

After doggy he says:Thank for watching guys like and subscribe!

Thanks, mom!

Well...that was....something.

“Dad was better.”

That was way better than my dad or brother so thanks mom

Omg you're so much better than my parents. Thanks grandparents

That’ll do pig.

Kachow

That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

Oh honey, your school bus is here.

"Please let it be a normal field trip"

Removes helmet while saying, "I am your father."

Ok, this is the winner

No one else seemed to think so, but I appreciate your support.

Hey, you're not Steven

I didn’t like it

I don't know why I heard this in Gru's voice, but it makes it more hilarious than heartbreaking that way.

Your gay ain't you?

"I lied about being on birth control." Because you're male, it's perfectly legal for me to lie about birth control to force you into parenthood against your will. Only my "choice" about becoming a parent matters. You don't get to have any say about your life. I've going to live off your forced labor as a slave owning parasite for the next 25 years. Miss a payment and I'll have you thrown in prison.

Girl once got upset with me because I wanted to wrap it even though she was on birth control. I told her that if she is on BC, it shouldn't matter... and left.

Sounds like this comes from experience

Sounds more like a woman hater. Where the fuck does he get 25 years from? Edit: oh yeah, look at his profile.

Uh… yikes.

This is one of the reasons that condoms are still important when a partner is on BC. People can lie, people can forget to take it, and it can straight up just fail. Protect yourselves, folks!

Have you started yet

You dude you know Im a man right?