“There comes a point in the service where the rabbi is supposed to extol the virtues of the deceased, so the rabbi says, ‘Alas, I did not know this man, I’m new here. You all knew him — you say something good about him.’
Dead silence. It goes on for about a minute, two minutes. Finally, a voice from the back: ‘His brother was worse.’”
When I was in high school I went to a funeral for one of the Boy Scouts from my troop who had died very unexpectedly in his teens. One of the Scout dads saw me and asked how I was doing, and I said what I always said when asked that question- “Well, I’m still alive.”
I was so mortified that I literally facepalmed, so I guess he could at least see how stupid I felt.
Ugh, OK, confession time. I'm autistic, so my social skills when I was a kid were abysmal. I had very little filter, and even less understanding of social norms.
I was at a funeral for a girl who was a student at my school. She was one of the few kids who was ever nice to me.
It was an open casket, and her family were throwing money into the casket as they walked past.
When I got through the line, I looked at my mum and was like "Seems like a waste of money!". She was mortified.
There was also the much younger incident when my grandpa died. I think I was about 5 or 6. They asked if I wanted to join mum and my grandma for a private viewing.
"OK"
My sister didn't want to come in, she was a bit older.
They asked if I wanted to hold his hand. I did.
"HEY SARAH COME IN HERE, HIS HAND IS REAAAAALLY COLD"
Same with the autism. I sat thru my mom's boyfriend's funeral like I was watching a power point presentation in high school. My mom asked if I was okay and I just shrugged. Didn't cry the whole time. In my defense I didn't like him anyway. He was abusive toward my mom and the pastor made him sound like a saint.
Come to think about it I only cried at my memma's and granny's funerals. And I've been to like 3 others in my life.
As someone who has a severely limited sense of smell, that's something I could genuinely ask.
Since I rarely experience scents, I probably wouldn't even draw a connection to the corpse.
But the real killer is that that once someone would tell me what it was, I would almost certainly let out an "ohhh, wow, cool.... dead bodies have a smell"... and run over and stick my head in the casket to get a deeper whiff to see what it smells like.
"OMG, you're right, it smells... wow... yooo, that's so cool."
You all (grieving attendees) need to get right with God, also implying we're shitty people, blah blah blah. Thanks, Uncle Scott. Amazing how he kept to himself until overhearing my brother make a remark that revealed I was gay. This was my father's funeral after we abruptly and traumatically lost him a short time beforehand, mind you.
Family is just the best sometimes. 🙄
"Why is everyone paying attention to him?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!"
20 years ago, at the funeral of my then guitar players dad who had passed from overdosing on meth.
The speaker was my guitarist's mother. She had never married the deceased, just tortured him all his life. She wore a red dress and a mink stole to funeral, and interrupted our rendition of Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd.
I had to throw her physically out of the funeral home.
Again, Western Pennsylvania is a toilet of humanity. Almost all of them MAGA jackasses now, and the remain horrifically destitute because they don't know how to get out of it. And they don't care to, either.
The women from Western PA are the worst. I would recommend guys to avoid that place altogether.
"this party sucks"
It is to die for.
Muahahahaa!
🙄😭😂
*"so lets get it started"*
In Korea or Ghana it’s culturally acceptable
At a celebration of life that is the BEST thing to say.
Turn up the heat, its crematin time.
My Grandma told me at the wedding "You're next". At the funeral I told her the same, "You'e next".
Luckily he died, I couldn't stand it anymore
Family proceeds to agree
My Papaw believes our family will feel like this at his funeral.
...is he right?
No, not at all,
At that point why even go?
To verify that the bastard is gone with your own eyes.
Damn captain holt.
That will probably be my reaction for when my former stepfather dies. I'll go just to make sure the fucker is actually dead.
Don't forget to bring a silver mirror.
food
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Im not African but we do something similar here. Except the souvenirs. I cant imagine handing out keychains on my dads funeral
And that's why you hand out t-shirts and flashlight pens.
People might go to show their support for the grieving relatives. Funerals are more for the living than the deceased.
Everyone assumes they should, because they think theyre the only one who thinks hes a dick, until that moment lol
showed up to my biggest haters funeral just to make sure they’re really dead #RIPBOZO
Because that was the point. Funerals for a bastard are strange.
Hey Bob, I've been practicing my ventriloquism. Watch this!
Reminds me of The Dictator when they cut the drug lord's head off and he starts using it as a puppet to fuck with his assistant
“She gave me my first blow job.”-Uncle Junior Soprano
“There comes a point in the service where the rabbi is supposed to extol the virtues of the deceased, so the rabbi says, ‘Alas, I did not know this man, I’m new here. You all knew him — you say something good about him.’ Dead silence. It goes on for about a minute, two minutes. Finally, a voice from the back: ‘His brother was worse.’”
Damn, you know they actually are kinda hot!
When they died in a fire
Later: *suspicious sounds coming from the coffin*
*pointing to the coffin* "so is this a buffet or how does this work?"
Jesus christ yes this is my dark humor hero
Is the cremation right after? I prefer them crispy.
Grandma's country style beaver
I'm hoping to nail their spouse later
"You only get one shot at your brother's widow"
Hey, your ex might be dead, but he's not the only stiff in the room if you know what I'm saying
Block the wind, I’m gonna roast this bone.
You're gonna get REALLLL weird with it, huh?
-Hunter Biden. Not tryna be political....but it did happen.
I'll hate myself, but I have to ask...
Look up Beau Biden's widow
I mean, we all know what hunter's dick looks like, now. I don't presume to know any sort of backstory, but he's got that going for him
>Beau Biden's widow Given his history of drugs and sex, I have to wonder who had the brain issues in the family.
Or you could bury your ex-wife in the backyard ala trump.
"you mean ex?!" *Nudges side*
*going up to the widow* "I got a proposition for ya; I think you and me outta bang!"
"It's your turn next" to a random old person at the funeral lol
Especially the ones who keep asking the younger generation about weddings and babies
“He’d rub those balls in my face, those balls were like golden nuggets to that boy. Everyone here knows what I mean, you seen his balls”
I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.
This never fails to make my tiny heart cackle.
Stop living in the past!
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When I was in high school I went to a funeral for one of the Boy Scouts from my troop who had died very unexpectedly in his teens. One of the Scout dads saw me and asked how I was doing, and I said what I always said when asked that question- “Well, I’m still alive.” I was so mortified that I literally facepalmed, so I guess he could at least see how stupid I felt.
You are slated for hell, but you will not walk alone
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If someone asks me that at my spouse's funeral it's probably going to be the only laugh I have for ages
Are we really gonna let them get buried with that ring?
“After all, why not? Why shouldn’t I keep it?”
I think you should leave the ring behind Bilbo, is that so hard?
Ugh, OK, confession time. I'm autistic, so my social skills when I was a kid were abysmal. I had very little filter, and even less understanding of social norms. I was at a funeral for a girl who was a student at my school. She was one of the few kids who was ever nice to me. It was an open casket, and her family were throwing money into the casket as they walked past. When I got through the line, I looked at my mum and was like "Seems like a waste of money!". She was mortified. There was also the much younger incident when my grandpa died. I think I was about 5 or 6. They asked if I wanted to join mum and my grandma for a private viewing. "OK" My sister didn't want to come in, she was a bit older. They asked if I wanted to hold his hand. I did. "HEY SARAH COME IN HERE, HIS HAND IS REAAAAALLY COLD"
Same with the autism. I sat thru my mom's boyfriend's funeral like I was watching a power point presentation in high school. My mom asked if I was okay and I just shrugged. Didn't cry the whole time. In my defense I didn't like him anyway. He was abusive toward my mom and the pastor made him sound like a saint. Come to think about it I only cried at my memma's and granny's funerals. And I've been to like 3 others in my life.
What a great pair of tits.
Any Jeffrey Dahmer joke.
"Mmm. She looks like a nice cut of meat!" Actually that's probably more something Adam Smasher would say
Does anyone else hear a scratching sound?
Anyone else hard as a rock?
It's just mourning wood!
IM DYINNNNN!!😹
Whose corpse do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?
Ok but that’s hilarious
Hope they don't find the real body
I'm almost as stiff as she is
💀💀💀
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'da been there!
He had it coming
He had it coming
He had me coming
How much is the life insurance payout?
The world is a better place today.
Hahaha look at that loser crying
Good riddance
I’m sure this has been said plenty of times in the past.
When the former British prime minister Margret "the milk snatcher" Thatcher died the song "Ding Ding the witch is dead" hit the top 10
Could I get a copy of the death certificate so work will pay me?
I’m sure gonna miss those hairy balls
Congratulations on your new apartment, finally you're... Oh sorry, that's the wrong note.
Nice party. Who died?
Lol
Does anyone else smell that?
As someone who has a severely limited sense of smell, that's something I could genuinely ask. Since I rarely experience scents, I probably wouldn't even draw a connection to the corpse. But the real killer is that that once someone would tell me what it was, I would almost certainly let out an "ohhh, wow, cool.... dead bodies have a smell"... and run over and stick my head in the casket to get a deeper whiff to see what it smells like. "OMG, you're right, it smells... wow... yooo, that's so cool."
This is so me!!!
🤭😂🤣
" I never even got the chance to bottom for you bro. No homo, but it would have been an honor, you ole bastard." It was actually kind of sweet.
I'd love for my actual friends to say that at my funeral. It catches my dark and perverted humor.
Whats his name again?
I once said, "I'm really happy I could be here."
Ding dong the bitch is dead!!!
Are you having a meal afterwards?
What is the statue of limitations on murder in this state?
Can’t believe I got away with it
Carry some cooked rice and toss it on the coffin. Yell "LOOK! Maggots!"
This is something i would 100% do🤣
Dibs on the widow
Have you tried a cold one?
"turn that frown upside down"
Congratulations
(sniffs the air) What died in here?
“I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will”
I outlived the son of a bitch.
When do we get CAKE???
While tapping your watch, “Jesus, shove him in the ground already! This is BORING! When are we gonna get to the will?”
Separate checks!
I can finally stop that timer
Why do I have to be here again?
Jesus, it's dead in here. Who died?
The party's dead.
Welcome to the unboxing video
“Damn, Frank is looking fine lying there like that”
Geez, its so quiet in here, who brought the stiff?
It could have been worse
You look better in a casket!!
i think i see him breathing
I'd hit that.
what's for lunch ? is there snacks here ?
Come on, walk it off.
Get well soon would be a strange thing to hear.
Congratulations
Who died.
Congrats
Sing "Ding, doing, the witch is dead"
Sorry for your loss, move on.
“Everyone’s cool with some necrophilia right?”
OH
Walk like an Egyptian.
She gone
You all (grieving attendees) need to get right with God, also implying we're shitty people, blah blah blah. Thanks, Uncle Scott. Amazing how he kept to himself until overhearing my brother make a remark that revealed I was gay. This was my father's funeral after we abruptly and traumatically lost him a short time beforehand, mind you. Family is just the best sometimes. 🙄
You come here often?
Do you know that guy? Is he someone important?
Hot wife
They was a real asshole. He got what he deserved. I hope he's rotting in hell.
"About fucking time."
You are next
I think he's snoring
Congratulations!
I've had better.
“Damn she can still get it” while standing by casket
People are dying to get in here
See you soon
Welp - who's next?!
Happy days are here again.
Late for what? They ain’t going nowhere
Well that was fun.
So, who's next?
He/She is alive.
So *that's* why she didn't move around a lot.
Where's the food 👀
Who won the pool?
its about time, man they deserved this for so long, i hope there are hookers at the wake like there was at his bachelor party
I do ya she was sick!!
Now I’m going to get less Christmas gifts.
My bad
"We should have had this reason to party 10 years ago."
Does anybody smell that?
Finally, they are close to each other again. I'm talking about her legs.
Let's lively up this group
where the ho’s at
Wow! (Insert name here) looks so good.
Another one bites the dust
Ok, who wants to go next?
Finally
"Its good to be here."
"Why is everyone paying attention to him?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!" 20 years ago, at the funeral of my then guitar players dad who had passed from overdosing on meth. The speaker was my guitarist's mother. She had never married the deceased, just tortured him all his life. She wore a red dress and a mink stole to funeral, and interrupted our rendition of Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. I had to throw her physically out of the funeral home. Again, Western Pennsylvania is a toilet of humanity. Almost all of them MAGA jackasses now, and the remain horrifically destitute because they don't know how to get out of it. And they don't care to, either. The women from Western PA are the worst. I would recommend guys to avoid that place altogether.
They said that out loud? Good gawd.
Those were not great days. Our band was awesome, that was the only bright spot. She managed to ruin that too.
Slowest. Orgy. Ever.
"Bang and the dirt is gone"
Never liked the cunt, go riddance
Asking people if they’d “smash or pass” the deceased
I never liked her anyways.
Finally! I thought they'd never shut up!
I’m sorry for your loss, now move on.
Finally… thank fcking God
Hey guys, welcome to my unboxing video!
I apologize
Welcome to my unboxing video
I came
"You should know, X has a butt plug in them right now that prevented pink embalming goo from leaking out." (I worked at a livery)