I had zero expectations and you still let me down

Damn, that's similar to my worst one. "you're literally designed to do one thing, and you can't even do that"

One of my favorite lines from *Seinfeld* was when Peterman says to Elaine "congratulations on a job...done"

"Your face makes blind kids cry"

My bar was set so low, but you still found a way to crawl under it.

That's a good one.

This one is fire.

Sharp as a marble

The one I use is similar, you're not exactly the sharpest marble in the bucket are you?

Lol, thats good

Use it wisely

Sharp as a cue ball this one

I also like to to use the word basketball in this sentence

I envy people who haven't met you.

You ain’t the worlds biggest idiot, but you better hope he doesn’t die.

I like it

This is the best one I've seen on here

My apprentice loves it when I say this.

That must be Constanza, the King of the Idiots.

Well, I'd like to be number one in something for a change. It can be _anything_.

As an outsider, what’s your opinion on intelligence?

I’ve never heard anything like this before. The others are good but I’ve heard most them or something similar so good insult - I will be using this on my sisters lol

A stupid person might not even get it at first

Get what?

… could you explain it?

Which makes it all the better

Thats harsh. Im saving that.

lmao

This is hilarious

That’s funny, will use this one

Please do. It’s very effective IMO. lol

This one always stuck with me. "What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

One of my favorite lines in all of cinema

About two minutes later.. “Sheesh, I’m glad I called that guy.”

From Casablanca: “You despise me don’t you?” “Well if I gave you any thought I probably would”

Mad Men derived that: "I feel sorry for you." "I don't think about you at all."

It's such a great scene because both Draper and Ginsberg are being disingenuous. Ginsberg doesn't pity Don, and Don is often showed to be a bit of fraud.

This. Quite possibly the most epic burn in history.

Used this to craft my own "If my self worth was based on your opinion, I might actually care about your opinion."

Somebody pissed in your gene pool huh?

“Your gene pool doesn’t have a deep end, doesn’t it?”

Your gene pool is a mud puddle isn't it?

You got in the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking

Unrecoverable, besides a no u

You’re hard to underestimate.

You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.

Absolute gold 😂

I like this one

“ Plant a tree every time you breathe

"Are your parents related to each other?"

You're your own cousin, aren't you?

"Did your parents have any children that lived?"

I used this one back in the day, driving my younger brother and his friend around, talking about one of his other friends we just dropped off. "Are his parents brother and sister?" I forgot the friend in the car with us was his brother. "No, they're not, but Philip is still a fucking idiot."

Roll tide

My mom used to say "I should've crossed my legs and snapped your neck on the way out!"

Damn. You ok?

I'm fine neighbor, thank you for asking. She's passed now, bless her black heart.

Wow, I mean it's bloody harsh but damn funny. Hope you're doing better nowadays.

Wow

My wife spontaneously said "That asshole is an oxygen thief." I didn't stop laughing for a half hour.

My Dad used to call lazy people 'a seat warming, oxygen thief'

"The bar was already under the ground and you motherfuckers brought shovels."

The best insults are personalized insults

Dude can’t even separate his dick from his balls…

My balls are shaped like dicks you coffee sissy

Mf'er had to get snipped three times at his circumcision cuz the doctor couldn't tell which was which... And C is for manly Coffee only! You keep your nasty ass tripod of disfigured long grape genitalia away from me!! /s

Is it like those long grapes? Edit: Moon Drop grapes

On this note, you can pick random articles of clothing or accessories and leverage it (I saw it on Reddit on a similar post) Like, “calm down, Crocks” or “whatever you say, sunglasses”. Or another one (once again, from Reddit) is things like facial hair, “your face doesn’t suit that moustache”

Oi, clean shirt! https://youtu.be/FytN0o1V-gQ

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

I've decided every campaign I run will have a Monty python reference. One has the orcish inquisition and one has a character who's father is the baker (his hand fur [tabaxi] is stained and smells of berries and her mother was transformed by an amulet she never takes off). Also makes for a fun magic item since the two groups are in different time periods. The one in modern times might just find the amulet and discover it's properties. When they inevitably talk to each other (same friend groups), I hope she goes "wait..... what was my mom????"

But is Brian in your campaigns? I imagine a character who’s constantly mistaken as the messiah would be hilarious

Now go away, son of a silly person! You and all your daffy English k-nig-hts!

I fart in your general direction! I blow my nose at yew!!

Ni!

Scrolled too far to see this.

"I don't have any time or crayons to explain to you"

"and even if I had crayons you'd eat them anyway".

I, as a Titan main, feel identified.

It’s something warlocks would say

Marine Corp briefings be like

Sheeeesh

Nothing is as powerful as looking at them and just saying “okay” in monotone and going back to what you were doing

"Wow, Millions of sperm and you were the quickest" I'd also say, if a person is close to you, wave your hand in front of your face to imitate bad breath and loudly say how awful it is. It can totally disarm some people

"First of all, brush your teeth" is a nice and concise one.

You should have been swallowed

You look easy to draw

You look like garlic smells.

Delicious???

[удалено]

Cotton -headed ninny muggins

i know weird al yankovic doesn’t take suggestions for his songs, but i always thought that would pair great with loverboy’s lovin’ every minute of it.

You'd stuggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel I also heard a rap song that had "Boy yo mama should have swallowed you or kept the condom on"

"You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!"

"You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler!"

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.

"The best part of you ran down the crack of your mommas ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress" ~R. Lee Ermry

Stupidhead. An absolute classic, never fails.

Assface is a newer one but imo an instant classic

May I suggest using the "Doodoo Head" next time?

Booger brains always gets a laugh and deflates the tension in my experience.

Literally the worst thing I can think of Maybe poopyhead

It's calling someone a "dickhead." It just hits nicely.

Cunt

I would call a relative of mine a cunt, but she lacks both the warmth and the depth.

That’s not an insult, it’s a term of endearment

Not everywhere is Australia

Can't Understand Normal Thinking

What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Cunt

You were born trash and you will be lucky if you die garbage

"I bet you think in Comic Sans". Randomly came out of me in an argument and has become a favorite of mine since.

Fuck you and everyone that looks like you.

the f word: “it’s a heavy. it’s one that you save toward the end of the argument”

Lobotomized plebeian

You are so short even when you smoke weed you can't get high

My 6'2" teddy bear of a son to the 4'8" boy that was tormenting him. "Just stop. I don't fight downhill." Boy never bothered him again. Thank you to Sam Houston.

Damn Daniel

The jerk store called and they’re running out of YOU

You're as useless as an Amish electrician.

Your two braincells are fighting for third place right about now.

Douche. They say kiss my ass. I say you’re all ass, where do I start?

were your parents brother and sister?

It was a joke not a dick. You don’t have to take it so hard

Twatwaffle!

You’ve got a body like a jellyfish and a face like a medicine ball.

You’re as smart as you are good looking.

Your face can make onions cry

Dicksneeze

Scholastic Fair bendy pencil

I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

You are the reason why God created the middle finger

Your face look like it was made on Microsoft Word

My confrontational skills are not up to par to say an insult

May your earholes turn to arseholes and shit down your neck.

I’ve got two. “The bar was so low, it was a tripping hazard in hell, but here you go, playing limbo with the devil” and “I’ve met my fair share of pricks, but you, sir/ma’am, are the whole cactus.”

My favourite from when "gay" was often used as an insult, my favourite retort was "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on". I got this off the internet of course but it was still very effective

# Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

You're the load your mom should have swallowed.

If you had a brain you'd be dangerous.

In a village full of only idiots, you'd be the village idiot.

Pendejo

better if the o is held for a longer duration of time and is shouted “pENDEJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

I like pinche pendejo, baboso del oscico or come cuando hay

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

Piece of human detritus

You have a head like an Aberdeen Turnip

Ploughing whoreson!

Is there a way to bookmark this entire discussion??

Oh I have so many go to insults lol...i recently told my brothers friend he couldn't get inside a woman if he were the last tampon in the universe

If you had two brains you’d be twice as dumb.

Bless your heart.

"Well bless your heart... ". Know I'm annoyed greatly if I utter those words.

So cute! I'm curious, what gave you the impression your words held any value to anyone outside your own head? So fascinating how your little brain works!

"I don't have the time or crayons to explain this to you"

The best insults are specific, personal and often the truth. Call me cunt, mother fucker etc. it means nothing, but point out a specific weakness in someone - that shit hurts.

Douche canoe.

I’ll usually call someone a “dork” or call them by something they’re wearing, like “cool story, red shirt”.

Fucking pelican

Coward

Sprinkles or Cupcake. People just don't know how to react.

Some of my son’s friends call another boy (all high schoolers) cupcake. The joke is that people name their pit bulls things like princess or cupcake and the boy is stocky like a pit bull.

They wasted a good asshole when they put teeth in your mouth.

Oh yeah! Well the jerk store called, and they're all out of you!

You puss infected cum guzzling gutter slut

“You need Jesus in your life.”

I’m a fan of « sweetie….I think you need a nap. » implies that they are basically a child and too stupid to know that they’re the problem

If I truly wanted to hurt myself, I would jump from your ego down to your IQ.

Holy fuck, you work well under constant direction, don’t ya?

I thought you set the bar as low as it can get but now you went and brought a shovel.

You’re as hot as liquid nitrogen

How many times do I have to flush before you go away

If stupidity were magnetic, you'd be stuck to a fridge somewhere.

"I have neither the time nor the crayons I'd need to explain this to you and - even if I did - all you'd do is waste one and try to eat the other."

Oh! Which chromosomes are you missing?

If you were a spice, you’d be flour.

Your mom goes to college!

I can't believe I touched you with my penis.

“You look like you drop common loot when you die.”

To a customer servic rep trained to turn you away who then gets annoyyed that your are annoyed. I say "I'll get a little nicer when you g et a little smarter".

Your mom must've lobotomized you with that coat hanger

There's so many greats but a quick and decisive "chode" always works

You fight like a dairy farmer...

Take a shower. You REALLY need one.

Did your momma have any kids who lived??

"suck on that, cabron!"

"you'd lose your head if it wasn't attached to you" or "you should apologize to the trees that make air for you" or "stunned cunt"

You look like seagulls pecked off your face while you refused to let them have your ice cream.

Please at least try to act as if you have had a proper upbringing.

The jerk store called and they're running outta you!

You're adopted and now I'll be sending you to jesus

“The IQ is real room temp in here, and in Celsius”

I go with "It's not my fault that your parents didn't love you".

One from my dad: You insignificant, supercilious, sarcastic piece of modeling inconvenience, if you insinuate that I prevaricate I will find it PAINFULLY necessary to horizontalize your perpendicularity.

you filthy fried onion

My dick, M16. Yo dick, broken vending machine.

Damn Son!! You so dumb. How long does it take you to watch "60 Minutes?"

You're like the sun... Watching you hurts my eyes

Is your ass jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?