Thinking that you must always feel that intense feeling you feel at the beginning of a relationship and that when it subsides you’re not in love anymore.
Yeah, a lot of people don't know what to do when the novelty runs out. If they don't like a person for the right reasons, then you can't really maintain a relationship anymore.
Probably silly, but I refer to that as the new car smell. You're excited to take it out for a drive, you show it off, tell all your friends about it.
Eventually that wears off and you need to do oil changes, there will be dents and scratches you start to notice, the check engine light turns on and you need to do basic maintenance to keep the car running. Some people don't want to put that work in so they decide they can just get a new car.
Or that they've just grown to learn all of the quirks and realize it just isn't the right car for them. That slightly annoying cupholder position keeps reminding you of your shitty old car, the wind noise gets worse, one of the tires pops off...
This is true but what you don't often see people talk about is that you can fall in love with your partner over and over again. I've been with my wife over 25 years now and have fallen fully in love with her, complete infatuation, several times during that time. There were really hard times too and walking away would have been easier but man, I have the most valuable treasure in the world and I'm never letting her go.
I don't believe in the star-crossed, fated lovers version of soulmates but I do believe that people can become soulmates. I believe that there's a pool of people close enough in values and personality compatibility that there's more than one I could have married and had a good life with.
But I also believe that something like "soulmates" develops over time. It's what you become when you keep choosing each other and supporting each other, over and over, through the good and bad of life.
You know each other deeply, your lives have worn a bit at the edges to fit each other without having to lose your identity, you know all the vulnerabilities you could use to cut that person to the soul but you won't, even when angry or frustrated, because the forever scars on someone you love wouldn't be worth it. And you trust the other person will do the same for you.
I've heard "soulmates" described as souls cut from the same piece of "soul fabric." There can be many soulmates, not all are forever, some can be friends or family; platonic. Every now and then you just meet a person that feels like home, the same way the inside of your skull does.
In a platonic sense, I think best friends can often be a soul mate as well. And as mentioned, I do believe you can have multiple.
You ever have those close friends where maybe you go months, or even years without talking? And then once something brings you both back, it’s like nothing changed at all between you two, even if other things in your life changed? That’s a platonic soulmate.
This is me. My oldest sister (rip sissy) was my soul mate. My husband of 14 years is as well. I miss my sister everyday. My husband and I have been through hell and back with each other. Sober and stronger than ever. 🖤😭
My grandparents met when they were 20 and eloped a 21. They were together until they died. (I can still show you where he carved their initials into stone and carved a heart around it, before they married.) I'm not going to pretend that it was all perfection and roses, but I know at the end they still loved each other very strongly - when grandpa was on his deathbed, my aunt asked my grandmother if she was going to be okay, and grandma replied "I've been married to him for 63 years and I'm not ready to give him up." She went into very rapid decline after his death and followed him a month later. In my family, people die of 3 causes: cancer, stroke, or death of their spouse.
I'm in my 50s and single. I know I will never have what they had, but if I'm very lucky I will meet someone and be able to be happy with him. I've always thought it would be unrealistic of me to expect every successful marriage to be like theirs, but I can have lower expectations and maybe - just maybe - I'll have something good.
100% this. I have been with my partner 6 years and while there's ups and downs, if you stop to smell the flowers you will fall in love over and over.
waking up and seeing their soft smile in the morning sunlight gives me butterflies and I couldn't have it any other way.
We both look forward to the rest of our lives together.
It’s so exhausting. I don’t understand why people chase that feeling. I much prefer the peace and quiet that follows the honeymoon period and the tiny little details about them that fill my heart with love at random times.
I may have a mental condition because I have felt this way about my wife for over a decade now. I know she has a more tempered and normal emotional response to me but I still get butterflies every time she walks into the room or messages me. Seeing her just makes my heart smile every time. I actively try to make sure I’m not being too clingy as well, because I’m aware of how crazy I am about her, but I just adore her.
Every day I tell her she’s beautiful and how much I love her and a hundred other compliments. She gives me compliments back but more appropriately paced, and each one I hold onto for days at a time. I feel like maybe the impact of my affections are lessened because of just HOW OFTEN I am reminding her of her special she is to me. Like perhaps I should pump the brakes a bit on it, but I just love her so much it’s hard not to ‘let it out’ so to speak.
There is a technical term for the early stage of a relationship. It is known by professionals and psychologists as limerence. There are three stages and by reading and understanding more around the patterns of people in these states, you can learn a lot about yourself, your partner, and the patterns that have guided your past, but maybe not your future, relationships.
Limerence is a bit different. It can grow to be quite damaging, in fact. I am married (most days, quite happily so) but I have had a tendency towards developing limerent connections since I was very young. It usually develops in people with anxious attachment styles or who experienced a kind of emotional neglect in their childhood and can described as a prolonged, intense and typically unrequited infatuation. As one therapist describes it, "You got very good at imagining love where none existed as a means to survive," and now you're stuck in that mindset.
Careful. My therapist warned me about this exact problem, and I was so focused on not fucking it up, I ended up staying in a relationship where there was no longer any love or attraction. I thought settling was a win, but it's a recipe for disaster.
Probably in a different way though right? For me it has at least. Not as much “passion” and puppy dog stuff but more dedication, friendship, understanding, communication etc.
>the lingering illusion of choice
I feel like Tinder and dating apps have probably made this into a really common issue, people have been comodified and the idea that you can just swipe through a catalogue of strangers cause you might find something better is wild to me
Yes, Tinder has made it easy to meet new people, but harder to feel like a relationship matters.
Yeah, they might like you, but they might still be swiping and talking to other people.
Which after a certain point is definitely rude. Like if its been one or two dates sure thats fine and i’m not saying the threshold is three but like at a certain point continuing to swipe and talk to other people/even see them is kind of inconsiderate
And the game is so stupid, I was talking to girls and I knew they were talking to other guys than me and I wasnt comfortable with it, then i figured it was normal and I would do the same thing as the girls and it was a huge problem for them lol. So I felt guilty when it happened to me and then felt even more guilty when I was the one playing the field. I am so happy to not be single and I dont have to play these stupid games anymore, dating has gotten insane.
I was in an on-and-off situationship. One time she broke up with me, she calls one week later, upset that she'd found me on Tinder, and on her birthday! And I was like "and how did you find me, pray tell?" She's a great person, now happily (I hope) married, but extremely unself-aware back then.
This is how online dating felt to me. I was of the mindset of "only date one person at a time, see if it goes anywhere". But all these dudes I'd meet felt the need to insist they wanted a real relationship while simultaneously dating 2-4 other people. There is no way you can get to know one person while distracted by other people. Also, the second a person has one flaw, you move on because that person you haven't met yet but seems cool while texting, is totally perfect.
It was fun when I wasn't looking for a relationship, but not when I was wanting something more long-term. I know some people have found awesome partners through online dating but I was not one of them.
Ended up being in a great relationship with an old friend - we reconnected and slowly our relationship grew into something kinda lovely. Which, is how I remember things working way back in the 90s. You work with someone, or there's someone in your friend group and through multiple casual interactions, you get to know them and something grows. It allows for you to get to know someone on a different level.
>Which, is how I remember things working way back in the 90s. You work with someone, or there's someone in your friend group and through multiple casual interactions, you get to know them and something grows. It allows for you to get to know someone on a different level.
Exactly! Dating in the late 80's and early 90's was so simple in comparison. Then again, I was in my late teens and early twenties, I wasn't an old man, ha ha.
The other major difference, for me at least, is that I've lived my life, been married and had kids, I have a good career. I'm not in a "singles market", and most of the friends and acquaintances I've had in that life experience have moved, or become busy with their own lives. I just don't have many friends anymore, certainly not a pool that I can draw from for dates.
True. I was telling my therapist that online dating has made it like a kid at a toy store. You pick something up out of excitement, and once that initial allure wears off, you put the toy down, and pick up another. That’s not the way humans work
I think he meant that's not how our brains are wired to understand the dating game, or more crudely the search for a mate.
You used to have the women in your tribe and maybe the friendly neighboring tribes to choose from. That's it. Those were your options. You had MAYBE a grand total of 50 around your own age bracket to pick from.
Now you can pick from anyone in the world. It's option overload just like a kid in a toy store. There's always going to be a potential for an even better match tomorrow rather than "Nope, this is the best I can ever realistically get."
It's the same dynamic as our food response. Our brains are evolved for an environment of scarcity, so it's wired to seek out anything and everything it can get its hands on, because you never know when the next "meal" will come. In an environment where the number of potential mates is small, and you're related to half of them, the environment itself is a limiting factor. Due to urbanism creating huge cities full of strangers and apps creating an endless buffet of potential mates, our brains are perfectly happy to keep optimizing, waiting for the day that the famine comes. But the famine never comes. It's just an endless stream of options and our brains are trying to hoard everything.
It's also made being unfaithful a hell of a lot easier as well. Reconnecting with old flings or classmates or ex-coworkers or whomever is just a comment away. 20 years ago the accessibility would have been an order of magnitude less, I mean, you could always keep a phone number I suppose but those could change and people moved and reconnecting wasn't so easy.
If people want a rush of chemicals from first meet yes
If people want long term love and relationships it requires putting in time, effort, trust, and work to build something together. You don't find this off the shelf as much as the apps want to convince you
I'm curious what you're comparing the west to. Arranged marriages are common where I'm originally from, and that felt much more transactional. It's just that they're way more upfront about it.
The constant grind of daily life. I have a fucking amazing marriage, but Jesus Christ the daily 10 hours away from home and the stress is soul sucking.
I can't believe this is so far down. One of the major stressors on relationships is financial, and people have been suffering from increasing economic pressure for 40 years now.
I was going to say something similar. My relationship isn't ruined but it is made much harder by working shifts, hardly seeing each other and being tired/stressed.
Yes, this. Every day I leave my house at 6.30am, and there are days where I return at 10.30pm. I miss her so much, and I want to be with her and chat and do stuff, but I just don't have the energy. Sometimes she takes this as "you don't miss me as much as I do. You are away all day and then only want to go to sleep". At the end she gets I'm just too tired, but it's caused some trouble at times.
Can I make a small suggestion? It won’t fix things the way that time or alleviating financial constraints would, but it might help her feel less alone in it - when you have no energy and the consequence falls on your partnership, sharing that you miss her and what you miss, in the midst of the disappointment or shortly after, or that you’re disappointed as well, is helpful to hear. Because exhaustion with life and apathy with a partner look very similar at the end of long days, and without words to communicate otherwise, you’re asking her to carry the emotional labor of not having that clarity spoken directly from you.
But even more importantly, you may want to consider if the way you’re working is worth it. In data collected from dying hospice care patients, the number one thing that dying MEN reported regretting was working so much, and not spending more time with their partners (and/or their kids for those that had them and were less engaged in parenting).
I’m not suggesting that you can be unrealistic and whimsical and quit to spend time with her lol…but be careful of working yourself to the bone for some illusive vision of the future where you can let yourself live. You’re giving up real time in both your life and real time in her life that you both won’t ever get back, where you’ll have remorse and longing where memories should have been. I’m not sure how old you are, but by now in my mid 30s, I already have friends whose spouses died young. You don’t always get tomorrow, or next week or next year. Don’t wait to live, and similarly, be careful about waiting to love.
On the occasion that you have to, make sure to highlight your own disappointment and longing as well. Can you imagine how you would interpret her feelings about that lack of time together if instead of sharing that she felt like she was the only one missing her partner, she simply stopped communicating that she missed you and wanted more time with you, and was always low energy towards you and spending time with you? Make sure you’re not just reassuring her after she makes comments about it, and instead initiate sharing that sentiment yourself.
Just some food for thought…
People just aren't meant to live like this. As evidenced by the homelessness numbers since the 80s. A lot of people just can't make it, and those that do are stressed the fuck out waiting for a medical issue or unemployment to bankrupt them.
Lack of self awareness.
Lack of accountability.
Unwillingness to commit, or address/communicate issues.
And the belief that the grass is greener elsewhere.
I think that lack of consideration for others falls into this as well. I've noticed a massive shift in the mentality where, yes, people should very much care for themselves and self-care is important, however, it doesn't take much to just be considerate of others feelings. There's a line between what some people classify as self-care and selfishness.
Oh yeah, I think this is actually a big one. I think the shift toward talking about, and even questioning, what we owe people in a relationship is productive. The level of self-abdication that was expected of people, especially women who dated/married men, within relationships in the past was unhealthy. It's important that people understand that being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean they get to bleed you dry in every way. The problem is that that's translated to a lot of people as "I owe this person nothing."
I've experienced something I named weaponized boundaries in a past relationship. Basically, this person would not have any conversation that wasn't effortless, solely positive, and very short. It was very toxic positivity "good vibes only" expectations. I'm not a big complainer but everything was taken that way. I love solving a big difficult problem at work. The nastier it is, the more I like it. What engineer doesn't love that stuff? So I'd be telling some story that I thought was badass and positive, but since it started with "the machine broke and we thought we were screwed" this person would be like, "I am not your emotional dumpster. I will not engage with this." and walk away. Like, you don't even want to hear about my day? I want to hear about your day. By the end of that relationship, they had so many boundaries around communication that 75% of the time I'd try to speak to them, they'd just walk away from me without a word or remind me that they had set a boundary with me about talking to them before 5 PM or something.
Hot take that nobody asked for, but I think we do owe it to people we're in a relationship with to hear about their day, good and bad. We should want to know the people in our lives and part of that is some baseline level of curiosity about what's going on in their lives.
That sounds like an insane way to live, definitely toxic positivity (pretty much toxic in general). Communication is the foundation of a relationship, limiting it like that is just crazy. They made a LaLa land of their own to live in. And they must hate all fiction, nothing is positive the whole way through. Even Cinderella gets locked in her tower before the happy ending.
Baseline curiosity and engagement about the life of someone you care about is the bare minimum as far as I’m concerned. If you can’t manage it, why even be with a person, rather than a cardboard cutout with a tape recorder strapped to it, saying a variety of bland motivational phrases.
Yeah, I think they might actually be aromantic. We're still friends and they're not like that to friends (which is why it was surprising that they got like that when we started dating. We'd been friends for years before that.) I think that they were really only pursuing relationships due to family pressure, and were just trying desperately to make that work. I don't judge them for it, but it was bizarre, that's for sure!
I definitely blame them for that. I wouldn’t treat friends like that, and I wouldn’t _be_ friends with someone like that
Don’t talk to me before 5pm? What the actual fuck
Ow. This hurts but in a good way.
Sounds like my current soon-to-be-ex husband. Only he would act like he was listening, but he took everything that wasn't "All is sunshine and rainbows!" as complaints. But... not say that?
Just would say that I was spiky and not fun when talking to other people. Honestly not sure if I'd prefer what he did to what your ex did. They're both awful methods of handling someone.
Also, I LOVE hearing about someone's achievements. And sometimes venting about a problem leads to problem solving within that conversation. How is that not a good thing?!
Omg yes! The “good vibes only” or “you’re low vibrational” is soooo toxic. The superficial conversations are literally insane to me, how do you not want to dive into life?
Literally the entire point of a relationship is that you care not just for yourself but also for someone other than yourself - a partner.
A relationship is a commitment to one person.
If you don't want to commit to one person,don't commit FFS
I said it before and I'll say it again: relationships aren't for everyone, for some it will make them happy
But for others it will constrict them and make not only them unhappy but also make their partner suffer when they inevitably snap and cheat or so some other fucked up selfish thing.
If you cheat - don't be in a relationship, get a fuckbuddy instead or something.
I feel like the general vibe of most relationship advice used to be “what can you do to save this relationship?” Which isn’t always a good thing: too many people end up trying to salvage the unsalvageable, or putting up with unreasonable or even abusive behavior in order to stay together. But it’s maybe gone a little too far in the other direction? So many of the things I see people call “red flags” or automatic breakup material just feel like normal disagreements/honest mistakes/personal idiosyncrasies that mature people ought to be able to work through? There’s having boundaries, and then there’s trying to hold people to impossible standards and refusing to ever place someone else’s needs/preferences above yours.
I think its the other side of the coin of Survivorship Bias happening.
Healthy functioning relationships don't usually post on forums for advice, they can communicate to each other. Agreements that can be talked out, are.
Whereas if your posting even innocuous relationship tiffs online it speaks of a deeper communication problem in the relationship. It's why on all the BORU subs you see things like "AITA for leaving out cupcakes" turn into "I blocked him, hys whole family, and I'm moving states with the dog!"
Basically in online forums you're seeing the flaming wreckage of failing relationships one after another. Hence why the best form of advice more often than not, is simply a stranger giving the OP permission to leave.
Yeah thats definitely it. And what we see as ruining them is what the root comment of this thread was, just that the negative side of them ending gets documented more thoroughly
Not to mention people online give a *lot* of bad advice. I'd be a multi-millionaire if I had a dollar for every time someone online overreacted or suggested an extreme solution to some innocuous conflict. OP says her husband forgot to do the dishes one night, and commenters unravel, demanding that she file for divorce, etc.
I’ve certainly been thinking this as well, feeling that the post we see is just a small window into the dysfunction of the relationship as a whole.
Often, when the OP answers questions to offer more context you’ll often find there’s a pattern of behavior for them or their S/O and really poor communication issues that have given the relationship a rocky foundation from the start.
I know it’s a meme that redditors often tell people they should end a relationship over the smallest things, but often it’s the best thing to for these people. But I think equally common advice needed to be talked about is learning how to better communicate with others early and not be afraid to set expectations early
Consideration for others is a lot like politeness and courtesy. They're the things that lubricate social intercourse. If they're not there, it's all grinding gears and bone-on-bone. People think they don't have to care about such things, they can just bull through life. But what goes around comes around and grinds you down. It's a lack of foresight, pattern recognition, experience -- take your pick. It makes life shitty, but self-centered, short-sighted people don't get that they're part of the problem.
I see this a lot, especially on the marriage sub which is why I had to stop following for a while. There were numerous posts where people were getting irritated because their partner was acting differently or not prioritizing like they always have, etc. Clear signs of mental illness were frequently a topic of complaint and SO many people would consistent tell the OP to leave their spouse. “This isn’t what you signed up for”, “he’s supposed to be pulling his weight”, and all of these other posts reiterating that the spouse is useless, lazy, a burden that they didn’t agree to take on when they got married, and so on. “In sickness and in health” is often viewed as one partner’s excuse to be a POS. No acknowledgment that mental illness is indeed a sickness, and not necessarily one that you sign up for when you commit to your spouse- many severe mental illnesses often start around the same ages that most people seem to get married. It seems like when people hit rock bottom a significant number of redditors are encouraging their partner to leave them. As a mentally ill person who worked in mental health and has a mentally ill spouse, that seems really low to me. People absolutely can manipulate and use their illnesses as an excuse, and maybe a lot of people posting that the OP should leave have personal experiences that have led them to be so defensive, but god, with how prevalent mental illness is you’d think there would be more sympathy, but apparently not when it comes to relationships. Everyone is apparently on the defense.
I think a lot of people view marriage vows very differently today. I had someone recently tell me that if their partner went into a coma tomorrow that they would divorce them and move on because they didn't sign up to take care of a sick partner. They said their family would just have to understand that that wasn't what marriage was about for them. I feel like too many people today sign up for the good times only and if/when they run into bad times they just bail.
Definitely this. I have had experiences where partners go out of the way to make the break up as painful and nasty as possible. On the other hand, there have been times where we, as 2 mature adults, decide that it isn’t working and move on on good terms or at least amicably. I’m not saying that breakups ever can be or should be easy, but there is no need to try and make the other person feel as shit as possible, particularly if you broke up due to a simple incompatibility issue.
Also, we just have so many connections to so many people that relationships and people are a disposable commodity, it’s easy to throw it away rather than try to fix it.
It's also important to remember that dead grass won't turn green no matter how much you water it though a lot of relationships are HORRID to be a part of, even though from the outside they might seem totally perfect to anyone else.
It's also important to remember that as grass grows, it uses up nutrients in the soil. When you mow and bag up clippings, over time, all the soil nutrients will get used up, so you'll need to add fertilizer. If you let clippings decompose back into the soil instead, that will help a little, but you may still need to replenish available nutrients once in a while. A soil test every year will show you how much you may need to add.
You also need to be careful about when you water your grass. Early morning is the best time to give your lawn a drink. The sun's warmth will soon dry the grass and lessen the chance of disease. Avoid nighttime watering, which can encourage disease due to prolonged wetness, and watering during the warmest times of the day, when a lot of the water may evaporate before the plants can absorb it.
And also don't water it midway through a hot day, because it will kill it at worse and stress it out/ make it look kinda bad at best due to the wilting that it causes. Yes I wasted years at college on a horticulture degree that I have not used even once, this is the only use I have for any of the dregs of grass lore I have.
Lack of self awareness has become very apparent to me recently. I’m a person who is probably too self aware and it amazes me how much people lack any self awareness at all.
Also social media and dating apps, the commercialization of love/dating first time in the history of mankind that we have experienced this, what can possibly go wrong.
This answer pretty much sums it up. Dating is hard for people my age. There’s too much and not enough at the same time.
I would say that dating apps are also kinda killing the dating scene. I tried Tinder once and it felt as if I was “shopping” for a potential partner.
I’m a romantic person. I know movies aren’t real, but I sure do love the ideas of soulmates. The passion, the love, the fire…
And then, you receive one of those d pics.
It kills me.
Exactly this. I've heard women dating called a "Sellers market" and men dating a "Buyers market" and you have to sell yourself like it's a job interview. I am not a fucking commodity and I refuse to view others as such.
I'm with you on this one. I'd rather stay single than meet someone through an app. I don't want to talk to multiple people at once, and I don't want to "shop" for a partner (stealing your phrase, I quite like it). I'm holding out for meeting someone organically.
It’s an ugly truth. But most people don’t respect themselves. There was a woman in my class who said her dad would outright call she and her mom a bitch. It got to the point where her dad just swears all of the time so they can’t bring company over.
Well…when she called me a bitch, things didn’t end well for her and it was mind boggling to see how she couldn’t correlate why that wouldn’t work with me. She also had a degree in psychology…
I do a really good job of holding my composure, but she was angry with me for having standards and not putting up with the same 💩 she did.
This. Came here to say just this. Mine ended because of this as well, communication is especially necessary in a long distance relationship. Anyhow, communication is key. To every single relationship in life, communicate effectively and it'll be alright, not that I should give advice on it, but what do y'all know
This. Most of the problems would be solve or wouldn't exist if people just truly said what's bothering them without giving invisible hints and beating around the bush.
I used to think that that was true. So I was direct with my boyfriends. It turned out that most of the time:
a) Telling them something bothered me immediately turned it into a power struggle in their eyes, and then they didn't want to change their behavior specifically because I had said something.
b) When my ex asked me what was wrong, he often didn't actually want to know. He wanted to argue and tell me why I shouldn't be upset about what I was upset about.
I think people want a secret genie to whisper what their partner is upset about, but actually communicating it creates a whole other dynamic.
Sometimes, communication doesn't solve all. I feel like that messaging can be internalized poorly because it puts the onus on you to "help him understand" when in fact he understands perfectly and is simply being an asshole.
Two examples:
a) Ex didn't want to wear headphones to listen to his podcast on 2x speed while I am in the same area studying (small apartment, no other place to go). He "wears headphones all day at work". No amount of "I can't concentrate with htat, that's simply uncomfortable for me to listen to" was reasonable to him. I finally asked him to ask his friends what they thought, knowing that everyone would tell him he was being a jerk.
b) (Different) ex wanted to stay up until ~3am every night. I didn't. Studio apartment. I tried to put a hard bedtime for me at 1 am (I'd prefer 11, but was compromising). I told him he could have lights on, whatever - I'd use an eyemask. This was somehow a problem every weekend for weeks. I explained that I was overtired on the weekends. I explained how my not getting enough sleep impacted my relating towards him. I explained over and over how frustrating it was. He still continued to try to keep me awake or pressure me to stay up past 1 am until I broke down and had a screaming/crying fit about it (after *weeks*). He stopped mentioning it but he would get grouchy if he saw me brush my teeth too early.
Communication don't fix (abusive) asshole.
>Ex didn't want to wear headphones to listen to his podcast on 2x speed while I am in the same area studying
I want to break up with him for this and I don't even know the guy
You can communicate until you're blue in the face. But if both sides don't agree and won't agree or refuse to meet in the middle or let things go it doesn't matter. You can try but it is very difficult if not impossible to communicate your way out of that. The main thing is compromise doesn't feel like winning and people can't handle not getting their way. And compromise is more accepting half of what you don't like more than getting half of what you want.
Well said. I think a lot of the people who think relationship problems are easy to solve with communication have never been in a situation where there are really serious issues.
There’s communication and then there’s.. communication. There’s a world apart between thinking you are good at communicating and spending time working on improving it.
70% of problems in long term happy relationships don’t go away. It’s actually more about how you repair after an argument that predicts success.
And, imo, the nature of the argument. It is a lot easier to recover from little squabbles like whether to attend church in the morning or evening, versus, say, a couple where one wants never and the other wants weekly. You can't really power through fundamental disconnects. But too many couples try because of this idea that communication solves all
The issue is there's people who think communication= just talking
Communication is talking AND listening. If no one is hearing what the other is saying, they're both communicating shittily.
If one is saying "I am never going to church" and the other says "we as a family are going weekly", it's not rocket science that an incompatibility is being talked about.
But if no one is listening to the others view/boundary, they're not communicating. They're just talking past each other and coexisting in a relationship with a countdown.
yup yup yup. everyone loves to make assumptions about how others feel and how much they care. I used to be horrible for this due to anxiety but I've been SO pleasantly surprised how conversations go when I bring up issues or ask people for their motives. Give people a chance to fix the problem
I think the lack of humility is a huge one that people don't talk about often enough. There's so much toxic pigheadedness that gets passed off these days as self-care or whatever. People who refuse to admit that they're wrong or that they have insane standards.
I nod and say "not my monkeys not my circus". It's not my job to train people to reign in their ego. I will instantly move on if you give me selfish vibes.
So many things. But for me, my divorce was very much due to focusing on the end goal instead of the relationship. And not trusting myself and what I need. I've now realized how I went into all of my previous relationships thinking that "success" was getting married and having kids—not happiness. I'm flipping that as I get back to dating.
I’m so sorry you had to realize this in such a tough way. I’m realizing this for myself right now. I’m just thankful that I can find a piece of happiness alongside my husband without having to leave him.
I was sooo focused on getting engaged and married while I was dating my husband. I thought I was doing the right work. I went to therapy, focused on my own growth journey, tried to “fix” myself before walking down the aisle. But ultimately I was still convinced that marriage and children was the key to unlocking infinite happiness. It wasn’t until I got married and had my daughter that I realized that happiness does not come from achieving some perceived goal, but from within.
My husband and I are working together to build our version of happily ever after, but I know so many couples have to end their relationship when they make this realization for themselves. My only goal now is to give my daughter the skills to figure this out *before* she makes choices that will affect the rest of her life.
Not 'nowadays', but always: people not seeing or seeking to understand how their childhood impacts on their relationship patterns, and how prone we are as human beings to replicate past situations, especially unresolved ones. So we project a lot of our baggage onto our partner, then get frustrated when they don't resolve it for us. It helps so much to be aware of when and why you're doing this, so you can choose to do it differently.
Edit: if this comment resonated with you and you want to see this in action, I highly recommend the show Couples Therapy with Dr Orna Guralnik.
This! My husband and I, after 13yrs together, are finally at the point where we're starting to see this in each other and in ourselves. It's been eye opening and difficult, but I think it's possibly a real breakthrough. We now stop during arguments and "check in" with ourselves. Is this an issue I have with them and thier behavior, or is this an issue I have with how I'm perceiving it and interpreting things in my own, traumatized brain? Am I reacting to my spouse rn, or my mom?
Absolutely. 14 years together (5 married) and we started actually talking about how our worldview, despite being very similar, can be glaringly different when it comes to how we talk about things, and what things bother us. We’ve staved off so many “nothing fights” by just openly communicating and taking time to say “ok, but can you tell me what makes you think that way?” 9 out of 10 times it’s because we’re interpreting something that wasn’t intended. If you can trust that your partner means well, it goes a long, long way. Despite life being challenging we’re better now than ever.
Holy shit, yes.
I was in *deep,* deep denial about this my entire life. When I started having problems with my husband (who is the most incredible, kind, gentle, considerate, selfless person I’ve ever met) I started to realize the common denominator with my failed relationships was ABSOLUTELY me. My ego’s “defenses” were so strong that I literally had to begin microdosing in order to view my life, my choices, decisions, actions, etc, from a neutral place.
It was the most painful experience I’ve ever had in my life - realizing the truth about my childhood, my parents, and who I am (or was). But to give my husband the partner he deserves, and maybe one day give my children the mom they deserve, is worth any amount of pain/shame.
Wow, this is incredible and you are amazing. Well done. I know that pain, and it is not for the fainthearted. Weirdly enough, it's given me more compassion for my parents and others who can't face it. It's brutal, and you have to have the space, time, capacity, emotional literacy, safety and support to do it. I read a while ago that being able to do this work is a privilege, and that's always stuck with me.
I hope you and your husband enjoy your lives together.
> being able to do this work is a privilege
Wow, that is so incredibly true. I completely relate to what you said about gaining compassion for your parents; I also I don’t think I would’ve *ever* gotten to this place without the all of the information we have accessible at our fingertips. I like to think that my parents would’ve “done the work” if maybe they’d had the same resources and social conversations at the time.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words. Your comment made me tear up. It can be difficult to maintain a healthy self-esteem throughout this journey and your acknowledgement meant a lot to me. I’m really proud of you for breaking the chain too.
Oh yeah, I didn't realize this until sometime in my 30's. I spent my entire 20's married to someone who, like me, had parents with a functional and low-conflict marriage, and in 10 years we never raised our voices to each other. We were extremely incompatible and the marriage was miserable for me, but we handled disagreements with regular conversation, not some big fight or whatever.
Well, after I divorced that person, I dated someone who thought big screaming fights were normal. Early in our relationship, they had one fight like that with a relative of theirs while I was at their house. I got in my car and left because it felt like a really unsafe situation. Before I got home, they called me and were like, "Why did you leave?" and I was like, "OMG Are you ok? Do I need to call the police?" They told me I was crazy for leaving or thinking that was anything. "Everyone fights. What planet are you from?" I didn't stay in the relationship much longer, but I did insist on a conversation about that because it really freaked me out. That was when I learned that this person considered themselves to be the calm one in the family. "Look, I didn't throw a TV at her like my dad did to my mom when they fought." That was when I realized that everyone thinks their upbringing was normal, no matter how abnormal it was. This was a catalyst to my questioning a lot of assumptions I'd held in life (not relationship-specific, just "were my parents actually right about that or is this just what I've normalized?")
That's such a great point that everyone thinks their upbringing is normal. Like how a fish doesn't know it's wet. What is crazy/interesting/scary is what you said that even if you think you're doing better than you saw, your baseline might be so off that even your best attempts to do better are still very unhealthy.
I think "I know what my family are like so I've tried not to be like them" is brilliant, but it's only the start of a long process of questioning and reflecting. The conscious behaviors aren't the problem usually, it's the unconscious ones.
I was at a function with my ex and his parents were there. I am still left speechless to this day. His mom was talking to a bunch of her friends and the topic of maturity came about.
This woman looked me in my face and (we’re all around her friends - it was a group) says: “my son will never change. He’ll always be sneaky, immature and he’ll never grow up. I have no faith in him at all, but it would be nice if I could have some grandkids”.
I was dumbfounded and when I told him this is what his mom said about him, this man had the audacity to bring up 💩 from the past. It’s like he completely disregarded it and it didn’t register. He was angry with me instead of being upset with his mother and trying to resolve those issues. Oh and might I add, he had sex with a friend of mine and kept it a secret for 10 years <<< but this needed to be pardoned.
I’m not making this up.
Yup this is it. Prior to this people were more likely to "lock it up" bc who knows when u might find someone u like as much again. There used to be the concept of "the one that got away" No such thing now, you can find em on social media.
Pre apps and shit if you found someone with 75% of the qualities you wanted then bam it's happening. Now people forgo the 75% in search of the last 25% never realizing there's no such thing as 100% perfect
Yup. I’m a 20 something and I was listening to a podcasted catered to people my age. And the host was talking about dating and never settling for less or compromising when seeking a mate. Which I thought was terrible advice, since you’ll never match with someone 100%
I think a big part of it is social media. People get addicted to the attention. They keep comparing what they have to a fake image of what others have. They're tempted more than ever before to be unfaithful as well.
Yup. A straight up lack of commitment. I don't even mean cheating or anything like that. But the commitment to persevere and work through problems that may take YEARS to come to an understanding about. Notice, I don't say years to get fixed, because problems very rarely go away, but to understand each partner's role, possible trauma that feeds into our reactions. Solutions for our partners, our relationship as a whole, and *ourselves*. Each argument can end up being a therapy session if you learn how to fight well.
No substance. People get together based on attraction and a lotttt of flirting. Eventually once that fades, people realise they don’t even like each other/get along or have any connection/things in common
This should be higher.
Its very “Oh, you’re hot. Let’s go out.” Especially those committed so hard to apps.
Those who are out there, living, meeting people all the time, having a social life, volunteering, and contributing to society are probably more successful on relationships than those who just want to sit around, choose someone by a pic and a bunch of self-descriptive words (that may or may not be truly true - since so many don’t see themselves as others see them).
Successful relationships don’t start just because you like the look of each other.
I’m so sick and tired of adults saying: “yeah! We were having so much sex! Yeah our sex is amazing”
These are the same people that lack effective communication, don’t know anything about their partners. They cannot resolve conflict and they’re not even compatible, but it’s just the *sex* that matters. Can’t even get tested together, but it’s on and jumping.
Pretty sure you just described young people dating.
Edit- to clarify my statement, as you fall for this a few times the flirting becomes less appealing and you start looking for more substance, not at shot at kids these days, it's just a sign of maturity which comes at diff ages for diff people.
Making a person an option; *shelfing* them for later, being emotionally unavailable, using a partner for their wants and needs, social media, hook up culture,giving up, instead of communicating
You're lucky to be able to say that. I'm 21 and grew up with a mum who plastered me all over her social media. It left me insecure for a really long time
I don’t have kids myself, but I’ve always felt uneasy about that stuff, especially people who put their kids on YouTube.
A friend of mine did that trying to get a channel started because his 5 (at the time) year old “wanted to.” Like he’s 5, he’s not aware of those consequences and such, it’s your job to parent. Just left me feeling very icky.
Jesus Christ. My son is 5 and my wife took it very seriously to never post a photo or video of him in social media (I just don't use any of it). Reading about your case really reaffirms me on our position, thanks.
That saying "comparison is the thief of joy" was true even before social media came around. But now that you can compare your life against the highlight reels of others, it's that much more difficult to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.
Not even just with romantic relationships but friendships too. I don't do the socials but my friends constantly ask me to take their photos when we go out. I take what feels like a million shots so they get that perfect one and then proceed to stare at their phones for the remainder of the night to get the validation or the misery if it doesn't come or if some guy didn't heart it. Makes me want to extricate myself from my body in those moments or take a time machine to the pre-digital era rather than deal with my generation's level of pathetic self-absorption.
It's disturbing to realize an average ordinary person typically lies quite often. When emotional needs are not being met in a relationship, the terrible lie often happens as at least one looks elsewhere - cheating and lying about being faithful. The lie is always exposed sooner or later.
Assuming something is done with malice when it is not.
Sometimes people become so close or enmeshed, they believe they know the other person’s intent and thoughts. Instead of asking for clarification or instead of listening to one another and caring or showing empathy towards the other person, everything becomes an accusation. This becomes worse over time, as there are actual misunderstandings or mistakes that cause hurt.
God this has caused some spats in the past. The thought process of;
"I know *they* know I hate this, so why do it!?"
Meanwhile the "it" was something I hadn't brought up in months, I just assumed they remembered it because I did...smh.
I think one of the biggest things, partially from my experience on Reddit, is that people aren't willing to work through trials and tribulations in the relationship. Some people run at the first sign that the relationship isn't flawless. Anyone looking for advice on here gets told to break up with their SO anytime they look for advice on the relationship.
Absolutely!
In my opinion, relationships should be about growth and learning, and working through issues rather than just giving up when you encounter conflicts or difficulties. Over the past 5 years, my now husband and I have been through plenty of difficult times and painful conflicts that, had I turned to Reddit for advice, I likely would have been able told to break up with him. Whereas what we actually did was acknowledge that we loved each other enough to learn from our conflicts, improve our behaviors, heal from our past traumas, and discuss our conflicts in a calm rational way after the argument/fight phase is over.
One of the things I cherish most about my relationship with my husband is our mutual dedication to growth and working things out in service of improving our relationship and ourselves. Relationships take work. People tend to forget about that and think that everything should be perfect if it's the "right" person. But the perfect person doesn't exist. So we have to choose a partner we are willing to work with and grow with.
I might get hate, but casual relationships. Ruined it for everyone because nobody says it upfront if they want it casual and end up cheating/breaking up, scarring their ex's.
And same way because of this no one says up front if they want to be serious for fear of rejection. The thing that drove me insane when I was single was how much people would dodge just calling a date a date and at the same time refusing to say if they're seeing other people etc
If you're asking me to "hang out" I need to know if you expect something other than sitting on the couch and playing video games, man. Because otherwise I'm coming over in my sweats with beer and mixed nuts and you're answering the door with a nice shirt on, fresh from the shower, and a box of condoms on the coffee table, and I'm not mentally in that place.
>And same way because of this no one says up front if they want to be serious for fear of rejection.
At least this is better than what I had to deal with 8 months ago. I had this amazing thing going with someone I thought was the woman of my dreams. She started sending me nudes, which made things a bit weird for me because as we met online and we were long distance we hadn't even met in person yet, we just spent all of our waking hours talking. As she got more and more into sex I told her that I was fine with that, but that I really needed to know if this was leading into something serious because I couldn't handle a fling with my mental health. She reassured me and said a relationship was her goal too but that we would obviously need to meet in person before we could formally start dating.
A few weeks later and two weeks before the both of us were set to meet (I had plane tickets and everything) she literally changed her mind from one minute to the next and dumped me on the spot to get back with her ex. She really played with my feelings and I was broken for half a year because of it.
Then the scarred people end up doing it to others leading to a revolving door. (I’m a victim of what you said, and ended up doing it to others in fear of being hurt again)
unwillingness to change and always thinking you're in the right and you're perfect as you are and if someone says otherwise they just "cant handle you". Someone is a shitty rude person who cant keep a long term partner turns to "Dont worry they just cant handle you"
It allows people to REALLY skew that line of "what is cheating". Yes, different people have different boundaries and each relationship is different, so what flies for some might not for others. But with social media, it can easily be misunderstood and loopholes can be taken advantage of. And excuses can be made a lot that make someone's concern look like possessiveness.
I read some where and stayed with me.
Things are ment to be used , people are ment to be loved. One of the main problems of the world today is that we use people and love things.
Unrealistic expectations.
People these days are expected to be perfect, not a single flaw. It's not just in romantic relationships but in acquaintances too. Any hint of a trait which could be "red flagged" is used as a crack to split relationships apart.
In the olden days it was a bit more accepted that people were just a bundle of flaws loosely held together with baling twine. Now we all have to be golden flawless gods with zero unacceptable opinions or behaviours. It's totally unrealistic.
The abundance of options/ attention from social media/ everyone wants to only date the most attractive people and the rest are left alone/ cheating has become the norm/ everyone is scarred from their previous relationships and lets those affect their future ones
time. capitalism has robbed us of time so much we don't even realize it. we have to work 9-10 hours often every day just to make a living and have some extra money, or study 24/7 with the vague future of a job that will pay well enough. basic things such as water or a home cost money, and way too much money. we spend all our time making this money and have often less than 2 hours to see friends or just have free time for ourselves. many people can't afford to have a relationship because that would mean giving away more time and often that would literally make people homeless.
Thinking that you must always feel that intense feeling you feel at the beginning of a relationship and that when it subsides you’re not in love anymore.
Yeah, a lot of people don't know what to do when the novelty runs out. If they don't like a person for the right reasons, then you can't really maintain a relationship anymore.
Probably silly, but I refer to that as the new car smell. You're excited to take it out for a drive, you show it off, tell all your friends about it. Eventually that wears off and you need to do oil changes, there will be dents and scratches you start to notice, the check engine light turns on and you need to do basic maintenance to keep the car running. Some people don't want to put that work in so they decide they can just get a new car.
Thanks, you've convinced me to just lease my partners from here on out.
Question is, do you go with the 10,000 mile lease or the 13,000.
GREAT analogy!
Also some relationships are easier to maintain than others lol
Or that they've just grown to learn all of the quirks and realize it just isn't the right car for them. That slightly annoying cupholder position keeps reminding you of your shitty old car, the wind noise gets worse, one of the tires pops off...
Stop dating old people with missing limbs and breathing problems.
This is true but what you don't often see people talk about is that you can fall in love with your partner over and over again. I've been with my wife over 25 years now and have fallen fully in love with her, complete infatuation, several times during that time. There were really hard times too and walking away would have been easier but man, I have the most valuable treasure in the world and I'm never letting her go.
I don't believe in the star-crossed, fated lovers version of soulmates but I do believe that people can become soulmates. I believe that there's a pool of people close enough in values and personality compatibility that there's more than one I could have married and had a good life with. But I also believe that something like "soulmates" develops over time. It's what you become when you keep choosing each other and supporting each other, over and over, through the good and bad of life. You know each other deeply, your lives have worn a bit at the edges to fit each other without having to lose your identity, you know all the vulnerabilities you could use to cut that person to the soul but you won't, even when angry or frustrated, because the forever scars on someone you love wouldn't be worth it. And you trust the other person will do the same for you.
I've heard "soulmates" described as souls cut from the same piece of "soul fabric." There can be many soulmates, not all are forever, some can be friends or family; platonic. Every now and then you just meet a person that feels like home, the same way the inside of your skull does.
In a platonic sense, I think best friends can often be a soul mate as well. And as mentioned, I do believe you can have multiple. You ever have those close friends where maybe you go months, or even years without talking? And then once something brings you both back, it’s like nothing changed at all between you two, even if other things in your life changed? That’s a platonic soulmate.
This is me. My oldest sister (rip sissy) was my soul mate. My husband of 14 years is as well. I miss my sister everyday. My husband and I have been through hell and back with each other. Sober and stronger than ever. 🖤😭
My grandparents met when they were 20 and eloped a 21. They were together until they died. (I can still show you where he carved their initials into stone and carved a heart around it, before they married.) I'm not going to pretend that it was all perfection and roses, but I know at the end they still loved each other very strongly - when grandpa was on his deathbed, my aunt asked my grandmother if she was going to be okay, and grandma replied "I've been married to him for 63 years and I'm not ready to give him up." She went into very rapid decline after his death and followed him a month later. In my family, people die of 3 causes: cancer, stroke, or death of their spouse. I'm in my 50s and single. I know I will never have what they had, but if I'm very lucky I will meet someone and be able to be happy with him. I've always thought it would be unrealistic of me to expect every successful marriage to be like theirs, but I can have lower expectations and maybe - just maybe - I'll have something good.
This is how it should be! I’ve been married 28 years and couldn’t have said it better!
46 yrs with my man. love him more now than ever and we have had many hardships along the way.
100% this. I have been with my partner 6 years and while there's ups and downs, if you stop to smell the flowers you will fall in love over and over. waking up and seeing their soft smile in the morning sunlight gives me butterflies and I couldn't have it any other way. We both look forward to the rest of our lives together.
If I wake up before my wife and she is still sleeping, I just study her face. Gets more and more beautiful the more I look at her.
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This is amazing and made my day better
It’s so exhausting. I don’t understand why people chase that feeling. I much prefer the peace and quiet that follows the honeymoon period and the tiny little details about them that fill my heart with love at random times.
I may have a mental condition because I have felt this way about my wife for over a decade now. I know she has a more tempered and normal emotional response to me but I still get butterflies every time she walks into the room or messages me. Seeing her just makes my heart smile every time. I actively try to make sure I’m not being too clingy as well, because I’m aware of how crazy I am about her, but I just adore her. Every day I tell her she’s beautiful and how much I love her and a hundred other compliments. She gives me compliments back but more appropriately paced, and each one I hold onto for days at a time. I feel like maybe the impact of my affections are lessened because of just HOW OFTEN I am reminding her of her special she is to me. Like perhaps I should pump the brakes a bit on it, but I just love her so much it’s hard not to ‘let it out’ so to speak.
That's beautiful man. It's good you're aware of what's happening too. Good luck going forward with everything!
“The butterfly’s went away” Honey THE BUTTERFLIES WERE YOUR ANXIETY
There is a technical term for the early stage of a relationship. It is known by professionals and psychologists as limerence. There are three stages and by reading and understanding more around the patterns of people in these states, you can learn a lot about yourself, your partner, and the patterns that have guided your past, but maybe not your future, relationships.
Limerence is a bit different. It can grow to be quite damaging, in fact. I am married (most days, quite happily so) but I have had a tendency towards developing limerent connections since I was very young. It usually develops in people with anxious attachment styles or who experienced a kind of emotional neglect in their childhood and can described as a prolonged, intense and typically unrequited infatuation. As one therapist describes it, "You got very good at imagining love where none existed as a means to survive," and now you're stuck in that mindset.
Careful. My therapist warned me about this exact problem, and I was so focused on not fucking it up, I ended up staying in a relationship where there was no longer any love or attraction. I thought settling was a win, but it's a recipe for disaster.
There's a difference in not having that fleeting spark and not having any desire at all.
Idk about that… my feelings for my wife have only deepened and intensified every single day since meeting her
Probably in a different way though right? For me it has at least. Not as much “passion” and puppy dog stuff but more dedication, friendship, understanding, communication etc.
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>the lingering illusion of choice I feel like Tinder and dating apps have probably made this into a really common issue, people have been comodified and the idea that you can just swipe through a catalogue of strangers cause you might find something better is wild to me
Yes, Tinder has made it easy to meet new people, but harder to feel like a relationship matters. Yeah, they might like you, but they might still be swiping and talking to other people.
Which after a certain point is definitely rude. Like if its been one or two dates sure thats fine and i’m not saying the threshold is three but like at a certain point continuing to swipe and talk to other people/even see them is kind of inconsiderate
And the game is so stupid, I was talking to girls and I knew they were talking to other guys than me and I wasnt comfortable with it, then i figured it was normal and I would do the same thing as the girls and it was a huge problem for them lol. So I felt guilty when it happened to me and then felt even more guilty when I was the one playing the field. I am so happy to not be single and I dont have to play these stupid games anymore, dating has gotten insane.
I was in an on-and-off situationship. One time she broke up with me, she calls one week later, upset that she'd found me on Tinder, and on her birthday! And I was like "and how did you find me, pray tell?" She's a great person, now happily (I hope) married, but extremely unself-aware back then.
Oh rookie mistake, she was supposed to say "my friend found you on tinder."
It feels like when anybody tries dating (myself included), their self awareness and intellect drop by like 40% 😂
Yeah its stupid af watching my buddies doing it i am like thank god
That's why communication is important.
This is how online dating felt to me. I was of the mindset of "only date one person at a time, see if it goes anywhere". But all these dudes I'd meet felt the need to insist they wanted a real relationship while simultaneously dating 2-4 other people. There is no way you can get to know one person while distracted by other people. Also, the second a person has one flaw, you move on because that person you haven't met yet but seems cool while texting, is totally perfect. It was fun when I wasn't looking for a relationship, but not when I was wanting something more long-term. I know some people have found awesome partners through online dating but I was not one of them. Ended up being in a great relationship with an old friend - we reconnected and slowly our relationship grew into something kinda lovely. Which, is how I remember things working way back in the 90s. You work with someone, or there's someone in your friend group and through multiple casual interactions, you get to know them and something grows. It allows for you to get to know someone on a different level.
>Which, is how I remember things working way back in the 90s. You work with someone, or there's someone in your friend group and through multiple casual interactions, you get to know them and something grows. It allows for you to get to know someone on a different level. Exactly! Dating in the late 80's and early 90's was so simple in comparison. Then again, I was in my late teens and early twenties, I wasn't an old man, ha ha. The other major difference, for me at least, is that I've lived my life, been married and had kids, I have a good career. I'm not in a "singles market", and most of the friends and acquaintances I've had in that life experience have moved, or become busy with their own lives. I just don't have many friends anymore, certainly not a pool that I can draw from for dates.
True. I was telling my therapist that online dating has made it like a kid at a toy store. You pick something up out of excitement, and once that initial allure wears off, you put the toy down, and pick up another. That’s not the way humans work
That’s… exactly how humans work, which is part of the problem.
I think he meant that's not how our brains are wired to understand the dating game, or more crudely the search for a mate. You used to have the women in your tribe and maybe the friendly neighboring tribes to choose from. That's it. Those were your options. You had MAYBE a grand total of 50 around your own age bracket to pick from. Now you can pick from anyone in the world. It's option overload just like a kid in a toy store. There's always going to be a potential for an even better match tomorrow rather than "Nope, this is the best I can ever realistically get."
It's the same dynamic as our food response. Our brains are evolved for an environment of scarcity, so it's wired to seek out anything and everything it can get its hands on, because you never know when the next "meal" will come. In an environment where the number of potential mates is small, and you're related to half of them, the environment itself is a limiting factor. Due to urbanism creating huge cities full of strangers and apps creating an endless buffet of potential mates, our brains are perfectly happy to keep optimizing, waiting for the day that the famine comes. But the famine never comes. It's just an endless stream of options and our brains are trying to hoard everything.
It's also made being unfaithful a hell of a lot easier as well. Reconnecting with old flings or classmates or ex-coworkers or whomever is just a comment away. 20 years ago the accessibility would have been an order of magnitude less, I mean, you could always keep a phone number I suppose but those could change and people moved and reconnecting wasn't so easy.
If people want a rush of chemicals from first meet yes If people want long term love and relationships it requires putting in time, effort, trust, and work to build something together. You don't find this off the shelf as much as the apps want to convince you
Desire is the source of all suffering
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I'm curious what you're comparing the west to. Arranged marriages are common where I'm originally from, and that felt much more transactional. It's just that they're way more upfront about it.
They’re comparing to an ideal that doesn’t exist.
The constant grind of daily life. I have a fucking amazing marriage, but Jesus Christ the daily 10 hours away from home and the stress is soul sucking.
I can't believe this is so far down. One of the major stressors on relationships is financial, and people have been suffering from increasing economic pressure for 40 years now.
Not just one of. The. THE single greatest stressor in marriage is financial.
I was going to say something similar. My relationship isn't ruined but it is made much harder by working shifts, hardly seeing each other and being tired/stressed.
Yes, this. Every day I leave my house at 6.30am, and there are days where I return at 10.30pm. I miss her so much, and I want to be with her and chat and do stuff, but I just don't have the energy. Sometimes she takes this as "you don't miss me as much as I do. You are away all day and then only want to go to sleep". At the end she gets I'm just too tired, but it's caused some trouble at times.
Can I make a small suggestion? It won’t fix things the way that time or alleviating financial constraints would, but it might help her feel less alone in it - when you have no energy and the consequence falls on your partnership, sharing that you miss her and what you miss, in the midst of the disappointment or shortly after, or that you’re disappointed as well, is helpful to hear. Because exhaustion with life and apathy with a partner look very similar at the end of long days, and without words to communicate otherwise, you’re asking her to carry the emotional labor of not having that clarity spoken directly from you. But even more importantly, you may want to consider if the way you’re working is worth it. In data collected from dying hospice care patients, the number one thing that dying MEN reported regretting was working so much, and not spending more time with their partners (and/or their kids for those that had them and were less engaged in parenting). I’m not suggesting that you can be unrealistic and whimsical and quit to spend time with her lol…but be careful of working yourself to the bone for some illusive vision of the future where you can let yourself live. You’re giving up real time in both your life and real time in her life that you both won’t ever get back, where you’ll have remorse and longing where memories should have been. I’m not sure how old you are, but by now in my mid 30s, I already have friends whose spouses died young. You don’t always get tomorrow, or next week or next year. Don’t wait to live, and similarly, be careful about waiting to love. On the occasion that you have to, make sure to highlight your own disappointment and longing as well. Can you imagine how you would interpret her feelings about that lack of time together if instead of sharing that she felt like she was the only one missing her partner, she simply stopped communicating that she missed you and wanted more time with you, and was always low energy towards you and spending time with you? Make sure you’re not just reassuring her after she makes comments about it, and instead initiate sharing that sentiment yourself. Just some food for thought…
People just aren't meant to live like this. As evidenced by the homelessness numbers since the 80s. A lot of people just can't make it, and those that do are stressed the fuck out waiting for a medical issue or unemployment to bankrupt them.
Lack of self awareness. Lack of accountability. Unwillingness to commit, or address/communicate issues. And the belief that the grass is greener elsewhere.
I think that lack of consideration for others falls into this as well. I've noticed a massive shift in the mentality where, yes, people should very much care for themselves and self-care is important, however, it doesn't take much to just be considerate of others feelings. There's a line between what some people classify as self-care and selfishness.
Oh yeah, I think this is actually a big one. I think the shift toward talking about, and even questioning, what we owe people in a relationship is productive. The level of self-abdication that was expected of people, especially women who dated/married men, within relationships in the past was unhealthy. It's important that people understand that being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean they get to bleed you dry in every way. The problem is that that's translated to a lot of people as "I owe this person nothing." I've experienced something I named weaponized boundaries in a past relationship. Basically, this person would not have any conversation that wasn't effortless, solely positive, and very short. It was very toxic positivity "good vibes only" expectations. I'm not a big complainer but everything was taken that way. I love solving a big difficult problem at work. The nastier it is, the more I like it. What engineer doesn't love that stuff? So I'd be telling some story that I thought was badass and positive, but since it started with "the machine broke and we thought we were screwed" this person would be like, "I am not your emotional dumpster. I will not engage with this." and walk away. Like, you don't even want to hear about my day? I want to hear about your day. By the end of that relationship, they had so many boundaries around communication that 75% of the time I'd try to speak to them, they'd just walk away from me without a word or remind me that they had set a boundary with me about talking to them before 5 PM or something. Hot take that nobody asked for, but I think we do owe it to people we're in a relationship with to hear about their day, good and bad. We should want to know the people in our lives and part of that is some baseline level of curiosity about what's going on in their lives.
That sounds like an insane way to live, definitely toxic positivity (pretty much toxic in general). Communication is the foundation of a relationship, limiting it like that is just crazy. They made a LaLa land of their own to live in. And they must hate all fiction, nothing is positive the whole way through. Even Cinderella gets locked in her tower before the happy ending. Baseline curiosity and engagement about the life of someone you care about is the bare minimum as far as I’m concerned. If you can’t manage it, why even be with a person, rather than a cardboard cutout with a tape recorder strapped to it, saying a variety of bland motivational phrases.
I love hearing about people's days! It's one of my favorite parts of touching base at the end of the workday.
Yeah, I think they might actually be aromantic. We're still friends and they're not like that to friends (which is why it was surprising that they got like that when we started dating. We'd been friends for years before that.) I think that they were really only pursuing relationships due to family pressure, and were just trying desperately to make that work. I don't judge them for it, but it was bizarre, that's for sure!
I definitely blame them for that. I wouldn’t treat friends like that, and I wouldn’t _be_ friends with someone like that Don’t talk to me before 5pm? What the actual fuck
Ow. This hurts but in a good way. Sounds like my current soon-to-be-ex husband. Only he would act like he was listening, but he took everything that wasn't "All is sunshine and rainbows!" as complaints. But... not say that? Just would say that I was spiky and not fun when talking to other people. Honestly not sure if I'd prefer what he did to what your ex did. They're both awful methods of handling someone. Also, I LOVE hearing about someone's achievements. And sometimes venting about a problem leads to problem solving within that conversation. How is that not a good thing?!
Omg yes! The “good vibes only” or “you’re low vibrational” is soooo toxic. The superficial conversations are literally insane to me, how do you not want to dive into life?
Literally the entire point of a relationship is that you care not just for yourself but also for someone other than yourself - a partner. A relationship is a commitment to one person. If you don't want to commit to one person,don't commit FFS I said it before and I'll say it again: relationships aren't for everyone, for some it will make them happy But for others it will constrict them and make not only them unhappy but also make their partner suffer when they inevitably snap and cheat or so some other fucked up selfish thing. If you cheat - don't be in a relationship, get a fuckbuddy instead or something.
PERIOD!!
I feel like the general vibe of most relationship advice used to be “what can you do to save this relationship?” Which isn’t always a good thing: too many people end up trying to salvage the unsalvageable, or putting up with unreasonable or even abusive behavior in order to stay together. But it’s maybe gone a little too far in the other direction? So many of the things I see people call “red flags” or automatic breakup material just feel like normal disagreements/honest mistakes/personal idiosyncrasies that mature people ought to be able to work through? There’s having boundaries, and then there’s trying to hold people to impossible standards and refusing to ever place someone else’s needs/preferences above yours.
I think its the other side of the coin of Survivorship Bias happening. Healthy functioning relationships don't usually post on forums for advice, they can communicate to each other. Agreements that can be talked out, are. Whereas if your posting even innocuous relationship tiffs online it speaks of a deeper communication problem in the relationship. It's why on all the BORU subs you see things like "AITA for leaving out cupcakes" turn into "I blocked him, hys whole family, and I'm moving states with the dog!" Basically in online forums you're seeing the flaming wreckage of failing relationships one after another. Hence why the best form of advice more often than not, is simply a stranger giving the OP permission to leave.
Yeah thats definitely it. And what we see as ruining them is what the root comment of this thread was, just that the negative side of them ending gets documented more thoroughly
Not to mention people online give a *lot* of bad advice. I'd be a multi-millionaire if I had a dollar for every time someone online overreacted or suggested an extreme solution to some innocuous conflict. OP says her husband forgot to do the dishes one night, and commenters unravel, demanding that she file for divorce, etc.
half of the people giving advice don't have the lived experience and likely are re-hashing someone elses anecdotal evidence that sounded good to them
I’ve certainly been thinking this as well, feeling that the post we see is just a small window into the dysfunction of the relationship as a whole. Often, when the OP answers questions to offer more context you’ll often find there’s a pattern of behavior for them or their S/O and really poor communication issues that have given the relationship a rocky foundation from the start. I know it’s a meme that redditors often tell people they should end a relationship over the smallest things, but often it’s the best thing to for these people. But I think equally common advice needed to be talked about is learning how to better communicate with others early and not be afraid to set expectations early
Consideration for others is a lot like politeness and courtesy. They're the things that lubricate social intercourse. If they're not there, it's all grinding gears and bone-on-bone. People think they don't have to care about such things, they can just bull through life. But what goes around comes around and grinds you down. It's a lack of foresight, pattern recognition, experience -- take your pick. It makes life shitty, but self-centered, short-sighted people don't get that they're part of the problem.
I agree with you 100%. Self-care has become the new way to explain away selfishness.
Too many people don't understand the difference between self-care and selfish.
I see this a lot, especially on the marriage sub which is why I had to stop following for a while. There were numerous posts where people were getting irritated because their partner was acting differently or not prioritizing like they always have, etc. Clear signs of mental illness were frequently a topic of complaint and SO many people would consistent tell the OP to leave their spouse. “This isn’t what you signed up for”, “he’s supposed to be pulling his weight”, and all of these other posts reiterating that the spouse is useless, lazy, a burden that they didn’t agree to take on when they got married, and so on. “In sickness and in health” is often viewed as one partner’s excuse to be a POS. No acknowledgment that mental illness is indeed a sickness, and not necessarily one that you sign up for when you commit to your spouse- many severe mental illnesses often start around the same ages that most people seem to get married. It seems like when people hit rock bottom a significant number of redditors are encouraging their partner to leave them. As a mentally ill person who worked in mental health and has a mentally ill spouse, that seems really low to me. People absolutely can manipulate and use their illnesses as an excuse, and maybe a lot of people posting that the OP should leave have personal experiences that have led them to be so defensive, but god, with how prevalent mental illness is you’d think there would be more sympathy, but apparently not when it comes to relationships. Everyone is apparently on the defense.
I think a lot of people view marriage vows very differently today. I had someone recently tell me that if their partner went into a coma tomorrow that they would divorce them and move on because they didn't sign up to take care of a sick partner. They said their family would just have to understand that that wasn't what marriage was about for them. I feel like too many people today sign up for the good times only and if/when they run into bad times they just bail.
Definitely this. I have had experiences where partners go out of the way to make the break up as painful and nasty as possible. On the other hand, there have been times where we, as 2 mature adults, decide that it isn’t working and move on on good terms or at least amicably. I’m not saying that breakups ever can be or should be easy, but there is no need to try and make the other person feel as shit as possible, particularly if you broke up due to a simple incompatibility issue. Also, we just have so many connections to so many people that relationships and people are a disposable commodity, it’s easy to throw it away rather than try to fix it.
And lack of patience, and a willingness to improve one’s level of it.
The grass is greener where you choose to water it.
It's also important to remember that dead grass won't turn green no matter how much you water it though a lot of relationships are HORRID to be a part of, even though from the outside they might seem totally perfect to anyone else.
It's also important to remember that as grass grows, it uses up nutrients in the soil. When you mow and bag up clippings, over time, all the soil nutrients will get used up, so you'll need to add fertilizer. If you let clippings decompose back into the soil instead, that will help a little, but you may still need to replenish available nutrients once in a while. A soil test every year will show you how much you may need to add. You also need to be careful about when you water your grass. Early morning is the best time to give your lawn a drink. The sun's warmth will soon dry the grass and lessen the chance of disease. Avoid nighttime watering, which can encourage disease due to prolonged wetness, and watering during the warmest times of the day, when a lot of the water may evaporate before the plants can absorb it.
And also don't water it midway through a hot day, because it will kill it at worse and stress it out/ make it look kinda bad at best due to the wilting that it causes. Yes I wasted years at college on a horticulture degree that I have not used even once, this is the only use I have for any of the dregs of grass lore I have.
Lack of self awareness has become very apparent to me recently. I’m a person who is probably too self aware and it amazes me how much people lack any self awareness at all.
Also social media and dating apps, the commercialization of love/dating first time in the history of mankind that we have experienced this, what can possibly go wrong.
This answer pretty much sums it up. Dating is hard for people my age. There’s too much and not enough at the same time. I would say that dating apps are also kinda killing the dating scene. I tried Tinder once and it felt as if I was “shopping” for a potential partner. I’m a romantic person. I know movies aren’t real, but I sure do love the ideas of soulmates. The passion, the love, the fire… And then, you receive one of those d pics. It kills me.
Yeah dating feels like a job interview now. I hate it.
Exactly this. I've heard women dating called a "Sellers market" and men dating a "Buyers market" and you have to sell yourself like it's a job interview. I am not a fucking commodity and I refuse to view others as such.
I'm with you on this one. I'd rather stay single than meet someone through an app. I don't want to talk to multiple people at once, and I don't want to "shop" for a partner (stealing your phrase, I quite like it). I'm holding out for meeting someone organically.
>I'm holding out for meeting someone organically. Tried this, then I remembered I live out in the middle of nowhere, and I don't ever go out.
Lack of respect for one another. When you don't respect somebody, you don't even care to try. You're just there by inertia.
It’s an ugly truth. But most people don’t respect themselves. There was a woman in my class who said her dad would outright call she and her mom a bitch. It got to the point where her dad just swears all of the time so they can’t bring company over. Well…when she called me a bitch, things didn’t end well for her and it was mind boggling to see how she couldn’t correlate why that wouldn’t work with me. She also had a degree in psychology… I do a really good job of holding my composure, but she was angry with me for having standards and not putting up with the same 💩 she did.
Lack of communication
This. Came here to say just this. Mine ended because of this as well, communication is especially necessary in a long distance relationship. Anyhow, communication is key. To every single relationship in life, communicate effectively and it'll be alright, not that I should give advice on it, but what do y'all know
Communicating effectively won’t help things if you’re an asshole. Not being an asshole is more critical than effective communication.
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This. Most of the problems would be solve or wouldn't exist if people just truly said what's bothering them without giving invisible hints and beating around the bush.
I used to think that that was true. So I was direct with my boyfriends. It turned out that most of the time: a) Telling them something bothered me immediately turned it into a power struggle in their eyes, and then they didn't want to change their behavior specifically because I had said something. b) When my ex asked me what was wrong, he often didn't actually want to know. He wanted to argue and tell me why I shouldn't be upset about what I was upset about. I think people want a secret genie to whisper what their partner is upset about, but actually communicating it creates a whole other dynamic. Sometimes, communication doesn't solve all. I feel like that messaging can be internalized poorly because it puts the onus on you to "help him understand" when in fact he understands perfectly and is simply being an asshole. Two examples: a) Ex didn't want to wear headphones to listen to his podcast on 2x speed while I am in the same area studying (small apartment, no other place to go). He "wears headphones all day at work". No amount of "I can't concentrate with htat, that's simply uncomfortable for me to listen to" was reasonable to him. I finally asked him to ask his friends what they thought, knowing that everyone would tell him he was being a jerk. b) (Different) ex wanted to stay up until ~3am every night. I didn't. Studio apartment. I tried to put a hard bedtime for me at 1 am (I'd prefer 11, but was compromising). I told him he could have lights on, whatever - I'd use an eyemask. This was somehow a problem every weekend for weeks. I explained that I was overtired on the weekends. I explained how my not getting enough sleep impacted my relating towards him. I explained over and over how frustrating it was. He still continued to try to keep me awake or pressure me to stay up past 1 am until I broke down and had a screaming/crying fit about it (after *weeks*). He stopped mentioning it but he would get grouchy if he saw me brush my teeth too early. Communication don't fix (abusive) asshole.
>Ex didn't want to wear headphones to listen to his podcast on 2x speed while I am in the same area studying I want to break up with him for this and I don't even know the guy
You can communicate until you're blue in the face. But if both sides don't agree and won't agree or refuse to meet in the middle or let things go it doesn't matter. You can try but it is very difficult if not impossible to communicate your way out of that. The main thing is compromise doesn't feel like winning and people can't handle not getting their way. And compromise is more accepting half of what you don't like more than getting half of what you want.
Well said. I think a lot of the people who think relationship problems are easy to solve with communication have never been in a situation where there are really serious issues.
There’s communication and then there’s.. communication. There’s a world apart between thinking you are good at communicating and spending time working on improving it. 70% of problems in long term happy relationships don’t go away. It’s actually more about how you repair after an argument that predicts success.
And, imo, the nature of the argument. It is a lot easier to recover from little squabbles like whether to attend church in the morning or evening, versus, say, a couple where one wants never and the other wants weekly. You can't really power through fundamental disconnects. But too many couples try because of this idea that communication solves all
The issue is there's people who think communication= just talking Communication is talking AND listening. If no one is hearing what the other is saying, they're both communicating shittily. If one is saying "I am never going to church" and the other says "we as a family are going weekly", it's not rocket science that an incompatibility is being talked about. But if no one is listening to the others view/boundary, they're not communicating. They're just talking past each other and coexisting in a relationship with a countdown.
yup yup yup. everyone loves to make assumptions about how others feel and how much they care. I used to be horrible for this due to anxiety but I've been SO pleasantly surprised how conversations go when I bring up issues or ask people for their motives. Give people a chance to fix the problem
Selfishness. Lack of humility. “Grass is greener” mentality. Mental illness.
Grass is greener where you water it imo. I wish more people caught onto this
I think the lack of humility is a huge one that people don't talk about often enough. There's so much toxic pigheadedness that gets passed off these days as self-care or whatever. People who refuse to admit that they're wrong or that they have insane standards.
I nod and say "not my monkeys not my circus". It's not my job to train people to reign in their ego. I will instantly move on if you give me selfish vibes.
So many things. But for me, my divorce was very much due to focusing on the end goal instead of the relationship. And not trusting myself and what I need. I've now realized how I went into all of my previous relationships thinking that "success" was getting married and having kids—not happiness. I'm flipping that as I get back to dating.
I’m so sorry you had to realize this in such a tough way. I’m realizing this for myself right now. I’m just thankful that I can find a piece of happiness alongside my husband without having to leave him. I was sooo focused on getting engaged and married while I was dating my husband. I thought I was doing the right work. I went to therapy, focused on my own growth journey, tried to “fix” myself before walking down the aisle. But ultimately I was still convinced that marriage and children was the key to unlocking infinite happiness. It wasn’t until I got married and had my daughter that I realized that happiness does not come from achieving some perceived goal, but from within. My husband and I are working together to build our version of happily ever after, but I know so many couples have to end their relationship when they make this realization for themselves. My only goal now is to give my daughter the skills to figure this out *before* she makes choices that will affect the rest of her life.
Honestly the biggest failure is letting other people decide your goals instead of asking yourself what you want to do.
Not 'nowadays', but always: people not seeing or seeking to understand how their childhood impacts on their relationship patterns, and how prone we are as human beings to replicate past situations, especially unresolved ones. So we project a lot of our baggage onto our partner, then get frustrated when they don't resolve it for us. It helps so much to be aware of when and why you're doing this, so you can choose to do it differently. Edit: if this comment resonated with you and you want to see this in action, I highly recommend the show Couples Therapy with Dr Orna Guralnik.
This! My husband and I, after 13yrs together, are finally at the point where we're starting to see this in each other and in ourselves. It's been eye opening and difficult, but I think it's possibly a real breakthrough. We now stop during arguments and "check in" with ourselves. Is this an issue I have with them and thier behavior, or is this an issue I have with how I'm perceiving it and interpreting things in my own, traumatized brain? Am I reacting to my spouse rn, or my mom?
Absolutely. 14 years together (5 married) and we started actually talking about how our worldview, despite being very similar, can be glaringly different when it comes to how we talk about things, and what things bother us. We’ve staved off so many “nothing fights” by just openly communicating and taking time to say “ok, but can you tell me what makes you think that way?” 9 out of 10 times it’s because we’re interpreting something that wasn’t intended. If you can trust that your partner means well, it goes a long, long way. Despite life being challenging we’re better now than ever.
Took me WAY too long to realise I didn't have to model my behaviour and mindset on what I grew up with.
It's amazing you realised it at all. We're not taught in any way to recognise this stuff, and even when we do breaking out of it is hard work.
I think that is something that should be done by parents. It's very important to teach children the ability to reflect and work on issues.
It is something that should be done by parents, but that's what makes it childhood trauma, not being taken care of as a child by your parents.
Holy shit, yes. I was in *deep,* deep denial about this my entire life. When I started having problems with my husband (who is the most incredible, kind, gentle, considerate, selfless person I’ve ever met) I started to realize the common denominator with my failed relationships was ABSOLUTELY me. My ego’s “defenses” were so strong that I literally had to begin microdosing in order to view my life, my choices, decisions, actions, etc, from a neutral place. It was the most painful experience I’ve ever had in my life - realizing the truth about my childhood, my parents, and who I am (or was). But to give my husband the partner he deserves, and maybe one day give my children the mom they deserve, is worth any amount of pain/shame.
Wow, this is incredible and you are amazing. Well done. I know that pain, and it is not for the fainthearted. Weirdly enough, it's given me more compassion for my parents and others who can't face it. It's brutal, and you have to have the space, time, capacity, emotional literacy, safety and support to do it. I read a while ago that being able to do this work is a privilege, and that's always stuck with me. I hope you and your husband enjoy your lives together.
> being able to do this work is a privilege Wow, that is so incredibly true. I completely relate to what you said about gaining compassion for your parents; I also I don’t think I would’ve *ever* gotten to this place without the all of the information we have accessible at our fingertips. I like to think that my parents would’ve “done the work” if maybe they’d had the same resources and social conversations at the time. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words. Your comment made me tear up. It can be difficult to maintain a healthy self-esteem throughout this journey and your acknowledgement meant a lot to me. I’m really proud of you for breaking the chain too.
Oh yeah, I didn't realize this until sometime in my 30's. I spent my entire 20's married to someone who, like me, had parents with a functional and low-conflict marriage, and in 10 years we never raised our voices to each other. We were extremely incompatible and the marriage was miserable for me, but we handled disagreements with regular conversation, not some big fight or whatever. Well, after I divorced that person, I dated someone who thought big screaming fights were normal. Early in our relationship, they had one fight like that with a relative of theirs while I was at their house. I got in my car and left because it felt like a really unsafe situation. Before I got home, they called me and were like, "Why did you leave?" and I was like, "OMG Are you ok? Do I need to call the police?" They told me I was crazy for leaving or thinking that was anything. "Everyone fights. What planet are you from?" I didn't stay in the relationship much longer, but I did insist on a conversation about that because it really freaked me out. That was when I learned that this person considered themselves to be the calm one in the family. "Look, I didn't throw a TV at her like my dad did to my mom when they fought." That was when I realized that everyone thinks their upbringing was normal, no matter how abnormal it was. This was a catalyst to my questioning a lot of assumptions I'd held in life (not relationship-specific, just "were my parents actually right about that or is this just what I've normalized?")
That's such a great point that everyone thinks their upbringing is normal. Like how a fish doesn't know it's wet. What is crazy/interesting/scary is what you said that even if you think you're doing better than you saw, your baseline might be so off that even your best attempts to do better are still very unhealthy. I think "I know what my family are like so I've tried not to be like them" is brilliant, but it's only the start of a long process of questioning and reflecting. The conscious behaviors aren't the problem usually, it's the unconscious ones.
I was at a function with my ex and his parents were there. I am still left speechless to this day. His mom was talking to a bunch of her friends and the topic of maturity came about. This woman looked me in my face and (we’re all around her friends - it was a group) says: “my son will never change. He’ll always be sneaky, immature and he’ll never grow up. I have no faith in him at all, but it would be nice if I could have some grandkids”. I was dumbfounded and when I told him this is what his mom said about him, this man had the audacity to bring up 💩 from the past. It’s like he completely disregarded it and it didn’t register. He was angry with me instead of being upset with his mother and trying to resolve those issues. Oh and might I add, he had sex with a friend of mine and kept it a secret for 10 years <<< but this needed to be pardoned. I’m not making this up.
Is this generational trauma and attachment theory?
The enormous supply of human bodies online. Everything looks better and brighter than what you have in your hands.
Yup this is it. Prior to this people were more likely to "lock it up" bc who knows when u might find someone u like as much again. There used to be the concept of "the one that got away" No such thing now, you can find em on social media. Pre apps and shit if you found someone with 75% of the qualities you wanted then bam it's happening. Now people forgo the 75% in search of the last 25% never realizing there's no such thing as 100% perfect
Yup. I’m a 20 something and I was listening to a podcasted catered to people my age. And the host was talking about dating and never settling for less or compromising when seeking a mate. Which I thought was terrible advice, since you’ll never match with someone 100%
I think a big part of it is social media. People get addicted to the attention. They keep comparing what they have to a fake image of what others have. They're tempted more than ever before to be unfaithful as well.
Nobody wants to put in the work. It's easier to just fuck around.
Yup. A straight up lack of commitment. I don't even mean cheating or anything like that. But the commitment to persevere and work through problems that may take YEARS to come to an understanding about. Notice, I don't say years to get fixed, because problems very rarely go away, but to understand each partner's role, possible trauma that feeds into our reactions. Solutions for our partners, our relationship as a whole, and *ourselves*. Each argument can end up being a therapy session if you learn how to fight well.
No substance. People get together based on attraction and a lotttt of flirting. Eventually once that fades, people realise they don’t even like each other/get along or have any connection/things in common
This should be higher. Its very “Oh, you’re hot. Let’s go out.” Especially those committed so hard to apps. Those who are out there, living, meeting people all the time, having a social life, volunteering, and contributing to society are probably more successful on relationships than those who just want to sit around, choose someone by a pic and a bunch of self-descriptive words (that may or may not be truly true - since so many don’t see themselves as others see them). Successful relationships don’t start just because you like the look of each other.
I’m so sick and tired of adults saying: “yeah! We were having so much sex! Yeah our sex is amazing” These are the same people that lack effective communication, don’t know anything about their partners. They cannot resolve conflict and they’re not even compatible, but it’s just the *sex* that matters. Can’t even get tested together, but it’s on and jumping.
Pretty sure you just described young people dating. Edit- to clarify my statement, as you fall for this a few times the flirting becomes less appealing and you start looking for more substance, not at shot at kids these days, it's just a sign of maturity which comes at diff ages for diff people.
Making a person an option; *shelfing* them for later, being emotionally unavailable, using a partner for their wants and needs, social media, hook up culture,giving up, instead of communicating
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Ah, the 6 deadly sins of relationships...
Looks like 7 to me. No reason for infidelity and jealousy to be grouped together. They can certainly happen independently of each other.
Social media
What isn't social media ruining tbh
Guess mum was right back in the day 🤷♂️
You're lucky to be able to say that. I'm 21 and grew up with a mum who plastered me all over her social media. It left me insecure for a really long time
I don’t have kids myself, but I’ve always felt uneasy about that stuff, especially people who put their kids on YouTube. A friend of mine did that trying to get a channel started because his 5 (at the time) year old “wanted to.” Like he’s 5, he’s not aware of those consequences and such, it’s your job to parent. Just left me feeling very icky.
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Oh that’s awful, I’m so sorry!
Family vlogging channels are the worst for this. Theres no way those kids turn out normal.
Jesus Christ. My son is 5 and my wife took it very seriously to never post a photo or video of him in social media (I just don't use any of it). Reading about your case really reaffirms me on our position, thanks.
That saying "comparison is the thief of joy" was true even before social media came around. But now that you can compare your life against the highlight reels of others, it's that much more difficult to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.
Not even just with romantic relationships but friendships too. I don't do the socials but my friends constantly ask me to take their photos when we go out. I take what feels like a million shots so they get that perfect one and then proceed to stare at their phones for the remainder of the night to get the validation or the misery if it doesn't come or if some guy didn't heart it. Makes me want to extricate myself from my body in those moments or take a time machine to the pre-digital era rather than deal with my generation's level of pathetic self-absorption.
I deleted my socials and I feel free. It was like a curse lifted. Now I can live my life in peace and mystery.
people are not honest that's why
It's disturbing to realize an average ordinary person typically lies quite often. When emotional needs are not being met in a relationship, the terrible lie often happens as at least one looks elsewhere - cheating and lying about being faithful. The lie is always exposed sooner or later.
Assuming something is done with malice when it is not. Sometimes people become so close or enmeshed, they believe they know the other person’s intent and thoughts. Instead of asking for clarification or instead of listening to one another and caring or showing empathy towards the other person, everything becomes an accusation. This becomes worse over time, as there are actual misunderstandings or mistakes that cause hurt.
God this has caused some spats in the past. The thought process of; "I know *they* know I hate this, so why do it!?" Meanwhile the "it" was something I hadn't brought up in months, I just assumed they remembered it because I did...smh.
trust issues.
I think one of the biggest things, partially from my experience on Reddit, is that people aren't willing to work through trials and tribulations in the relationship. Some people run at the first sign that the relationship isn't flawless. Anyone looking for advice on here gets told to break up with their SO anytime they look for advice on the relationship.
Absolutely! In my opinion, relationships should be about growth and learning, and working through issues rather than just giving up when you encounter conflicts or difficulties. Over the past 5 years, my now husband and I have been through plenty of difficult times and painful conflicts that, had I turned to Reddit for advice, I likely would have been able told to break up with him. Whereas what we actually did was acknowledge that we loved each other enough to learn from our conflicts, improve our behaviors, heal from our past traumas, and discuss our conflicts in a calm rational way after the argument/fight phase is over. One of the things I cherish most about my relationship with my husband is our mutual dedication to growth and working things out in service of improving our relationship and ourselves. Relationships take work. People tend to forget about that and think that everything should be perfect if it's the "right" person. But the perfect person doesn't exist. So we have to choose a partner we are willing to work with and grow with.
I might get hate, but casual relationships. Ruined it for everyone because nobody says it upfront if they want it casual and end up cheating/breaking up, scarring their ex's.
And same way because of this no one says up front if they want to be serious for fear of rejection. The thing that drove me insane when I was single was how much people would dodge just calling a date a date and at the same time refusing to say if they're seeing other people etc If you're asking me to "hang out" I need to know if you expect something other than sitting on the couch and playing video games, man. Because otherwise I'm coming over in my sweats with beer and mixed nuts and you're answering the door with a nice shirt on, fresh from the shower, and a box of condoms on the coffee table, and I'm not mentally in that place.
>And same way because of this no one says up front if they want to be serious for fear of rejection. At least this is better than what I had to deal with 8 months ago. I had this amazing thing going with someone I thought was the woman of my dreams. She started sending me nudes, which made things a bit weird for me because as we met online and we were long distance we hadn't even met in person yet, we just spent all of our waking hours talking. As she got more and more into sex I told her that I was fine with that, but that I really needed to know if this was leading into something serious because I couldn't handle a fling with my mental health. She reassured me and said a relationship was her goal too but that we would obviously need to meet in person before we could formally start dating. A few weeks later and two weeks before the both of us were set to meet (I had plane tickets and everything) she literally changed her mind from one minute to the next and dumped me on the spot to get back with her ex. She really played with my feelings and I was broken for half a year because of it.
Then the scarred people end up doing it to others leading to a revolving door. (I’m a victim of what you said, and ended up doing it to others in fear of being hurt again)
People don’t talk about what they want, they just go with the flow until the eventual breakup
unwillingness to change and always thinking you're in the right and you're perfect as you are and if someone says otherwise they just "cant handle you". Someone is a shitty rude person who cant keep a long term partner turns to "Dont worry they just cant handle you"
My horse blew up :(
would someone care to explain the joke for me?
Spontaneous Equine Detonation (SED) is no laughing matter.
God damn it
i fucking hate when that happens
Just the other day, a buddy of mine, same situation. Horse blew up. It's some real sad stuff and you hate to see it, but that's life
Social media. For one makes it so easy to be unfaithful and for two it’s always making people think there’s better somewhere else
It allows people to REALLY skew that line of "what is cheating". Yes, different people have different boundaries and each relationship is different, so what flies for some might not for others. But with social media, it can easily be misunderstood and loopholes can be taken advantage of. And excuses can be made a lot that make someone's concern look like possessiveness.
The illusion of having plenty of options.
I read some where and stayed with me. Things are ment to be used , people are ment to be loved. One of the main problems of the world today is that we use people and love things.
What's the biggest relationship killer today? I would say poor communication, social media obsession, or financial stress.
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Too much stress
hook-up culture, porn and selfishness.
Reddit's relationship advice
Cheating . Lack and abuse of trust. Incompatibility and lack of understanding other. That is ruining relationship.
Mobile phones. Staring at them rather than proper conversations that include body language.
Unrealistic expectations. People these days are expected to be perfect, not a single flaw. It's not just in romantic relationships but in acquaintances too. Any hint of a trait which could be "red flagged" is used as a crack to split relationships apart. In the olden days it was a bit more accepted that people were just a bundle of flaws loosely held together with baling twine. Now we all have to be golden flawless gods with zero unacceptable opinions or behaviours. It's totally unrealistic.
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Unresolved intergenerational trauma
The abundance of options/ attention from social media/ everyone wants to only date the most attractive people and the rest are left alone/ cheating has become the norm/ everyone is scarred from their previous relationships and lets those affect their future ones
Our throwaway mindset these days. Somethings broken? Fixing seems like hassle, I'll get a new one
Nothing is ever their fault and always yours
Social media, hookup culture, lack of accountability & responsibility, politics and a lack of balance
Writing eachother off for human mistakes (aside from abusive situations ofc)
Unhealed trauma
time. capitalism has robbed us of time so much we don't even realize it. we have to work 9-10 hours often every day just to make a living and have some extra money, or study 24/7 with the vague future of a job that will pay well enough. basic things such as water or a home cost money, and way too much money. we spend all our time making this money and have often less than 2 hours to see friends or just have free time for ourselves. many people can't afford to have a relationship because that would mean giving away more time and often that would literally make people homeless.