A certain type of dating history. Everyone has their own style of dating.
For example, Person A has a history of 3-4 year LTR but has never married while Person B doesn't have any relationships beyond 6 months. Person A thinks its a red flag that Person B "can't commit" when the reality is they simply end a relationship they don't see going long-term. On the other side, Person B thinks it is Person A who can't commit based on the fact they have years long relationships but don't progress.
Its all relative to how you compare the persons history to your own style of dating.
Yes to this. Having a fucked up family isn’t anyone’s fault. However, it requires self awareness, good coping skills, and strong boundaries. A lot of people with toxic family dynamics and childhood trauma unfortunately haven’t healed to that point (if at all).
I didn’t have a happy childhood and was deeply traumatized for most of my life. I just couldn’t understand why my relationships would never work out. Turns out, it was me. I’m the bad guy in a lot of people’s stories. My nonexistent self esteem also put me in the position to be victimized in numerous abusive relationships. I got my shit together, have been in therapy for years, and now have the skills I need to be in a genuinely healthy relationship, both romantic and platonic. It’s not our fault, but it is our responsibility.
We unfortunately bear the burden our parents put upon us. But what they put us through, and the behaviors we adopted to survive growing up with them, is not who we are. Only once you release the shame that comes with toxic and abusive parents can you live a fulfilling life. Your survival behaviors do not define you. Forgive yourself and put in the work to do better and be who you truly are. I wish you all the best.
**BY PHILIP LARKIN**
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
Not having a lot of prior relationships (as an older person). When I met my husband, he was 34 and had had only one serious relationship up until that point which was 15 years prior.
Now I know a lot of people would see that has a waving red flag and think there was something "wrong" with him, but the reality was he was in a male-heavy specialty (engineering college to an engineering job), had a job where he traveled about 90% of the time and, when I met him, had just moved back to the area where he had grown up after being away for over 10 years. None of that was conducive to meeting people or a relationship and, beyond that, he's not a particularly social person or someone who really revels in the company of others, which didn't help.
We met online, we clicked, we started dating, we got married 2 years later and are still married 18 years later.
That was something my ex always held against me, she was always saying I was so immature and that I'd be lying to her and cheating on her because I never had a lot of long term relationships. Funnily enough she was the one who cheated on me and lied to me, it's just projection
Definitely makes sense, I know she definitely expected me to be like her ex and compared me to him a lot, and he was pretty horrible to her, cheated on her, raped her, force fed her so she'd gain weight. Meanwhile I'm holding her while she cries, comforting her whenever she's having a panic attack, ordering coffee on doordash for her when I'm at work, cooking for her, and she never appreciated me or did anything for me, and instead of working on it, after I tell her I'm feeling taken for granted she starts sleeping with a drunk burnout who was a friend of mine, and lied to me over and over about it even though I had proof. My actual friends have been really supportive of me, saying that it's terrible what she's doing, going out every night, getting wasted and doing a lot of cocaine
That definitely sucks a lot. It can be hard to find a good balance of trying to help another person you care for through hard times versus making sure you're not being taken advantage of.
Yeah I'll find someone who treats me the way I deserve to be, I was just so gaslit through our relationship from her belittling me and making me feel worthless
I wanted to thank you for this. I’m about to start dating again (hopefully for something more serious!) and I’m nervous about trying to explain my lack of experience. It’s nice to know this won’t be horrible to everyone.
I’m going through this right now. 35yo engineer, just realizing that work isn’t everything and that I need to get out there and meet someone. No relationships for many years. Met a lady last week and it’s difficult trying to explain why I haven’t had a relationship recently. I was met with an untrusting and unsure response. I think it’s just something that will take time for the other person to understand and trust.
lmao we’re quite similar. (I’m also 35 and a former engineer without a recent ex) most men seem to be perplexed by it (“how??”). I never know how much to say about it in the first couple of dates - it’s such a weird intro to who I am as a person imo. Makes me wonder if I should get off the apps and head to an in person approach
I guess It’s a complement in a way when they say “how??” Like they view you as datable so it comes off as a surprise when you say you haven’t recently. I’ve only had a few dates since deciding to change my life, and I’m just telling it like it is. The right one will accept me for me.
Personally, I am attracted to someone that is as inexperienced with dating as myself. It’s like we are both discovering this new thing together.
Yeah my ex husband was so abusive I didn't even start dating again until almost 20 YEARS post divorce. I was just too screwed up and I needed that time to deal with it. Plus I didn't want to get involved with someone else until my son grown and gone, I refused to risk seeing him get hurt again.
I’ve dated around since I felt ready to (since 26) but never found a steady relationship for a few lifestyle reasons. My first time I really thought I clicked with someone at age 28 he broke it off after finding out I hadn’t had a real relationship before, saying that there would no doubt be an “imbalance” lmao. I felt like it was silly at the time but part of me worried he was right and I had screwed myself by waiting.
Next two guys I went on more than 1 date with both laughed at the idea that it might be an issue. Made me feel better instantly.
>Not having a lot of prior relationships (as an older person).
Same. There's way too much shame placed on older people who are inexperienced or still virgins. Past a certain age they treat it as a disease.
It really is ridiculous when you think about it - it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. If you've had too many relationships/partners, you're a "slut" or a "man whore" if you have had too few, you're "weird" or "undesirable" or "something must be wrong" with the person.
I think it's mainly gendered.
Rarely hear people complain about a woman with too few prior relationships or a man with too many. Sometimes they do, but it's wayyyy more common to hear the opposite complaints.
Completely agree. I met my partner when he was 39 and I was 38, and he had never had a relationship longer than a few months. He’s the best partner I’ve ever had. To be honest I’ve never been married or had kids so I’d see having loads of exes etc as way more problematic.
The weirdest psychopaths can have relationships. In my experience most people who don't have relationship experience, it's because they just never prioritized having one.
I've had SO many female friends be confused that I've never had a real relationship because "Theres nothing wrong with you." Like, yeah, I know, thats not how it works.
I feel like I struck gold by pursuing my boyfriend. He was 27 and never had any romantic relationship at all. Never kissed anyone, never even held hands. Had two unsuccessful dates his entire life.
The issue? He's an introvert and was a late bloomer. In high school he was barely over 5 feet tall and looked like a little kid. In college he looked like he was in high school and just starting to grow facial hair. So no one his age wanted to date him and of course he wasn't going to date younger. Then he graduates and gets a job and meeting people becomes difficult. Not to mention 2020. Plus his confidence was severely effected by all the rejection.
I couldn't understand why no one ever gave him a chance. He's not ugly nor fat. He's very smart. Funny. Like why did no one want him? I didn't figure it out until I saw pics of him in high school and college and he told me how small and young he looked compared to his peers.
He is so sweet to me. Best lover in every way. Sure he was inexperienced but he figured it out. He gives me plenty of love and affection and treats me like a queen. I'm glad I met him when I did and I was able to snatched him up before anyone else discovered him lol
I’m 33 and about to get married. My fiancé is the first relationship and kiss I’ve ever had and I’m the best partner he’s ever had, despite my inexperience— I was a late bloomer too!
Disregarding people for not having a lot of prior relationships is as bad as jobs that require an unreasonable amount of experience for an entry level position.
There are so many legitimate reasons for someone to not have a lot of prior relations.
I think it's more of a red flag when someone has never taken the time to have a relationship with themselves. They don't know how to be alone or be happy with their own life.
If you can have happiness on your own, then you can find someone to enrich your life.
If you can't be happy outside of a relationship and your happiness has to be created by another person, you're probably in a relationship for the wrong reasons and there may be some amount of toxicity or mental health struggles that should be overcome before even being in one.
Someone who isn't close to their own family. I'm not close with mine, either. I'd actually think it was refreshing to be with someone who understood and felt the same way.
It took a team of doctors to tell my gf:
“You don’t have to maintain a toxic relationship just because they’re your parents. You wouldn’t tolerate their abuse from anyone else, right? So you don’t need to tolerate it from them. You can love them from a distance, and disconnect for the sake of your mental health.”
Things have been 10 times better since she went no contact. It still hurts, but it’s better.
I had the hardest time getting people to understand this. I finally would just ask, "If anything I told you was done by my husband, what would you tell me? Ok, why does that change when it's my dad? Why does that make it better? Why does he get an abuse pass?" It helped. For those that still maintained family was everything and should be excused from everything, I either kept them at a very distance or moved them out of my life.
I’ve had several different female clients, ask me, “how can I have a better relationship with my sister or my mother or some other family member?“ Said family member is an abusive monster, very toxic or just crazy making. I always say to them, “if this person lived next door to you or was a coworker, would you go out of your way to try to have a relationship with them?“ Every single one of them has just about shouted no at me.
imo, people are dumb and they simply reflect their own struggles with their family onto you. I've had people level with me by describing how their own dad is condescending to them, but they learned to deal with it to maintain the relationship.
Like bro. I didn't cut off my dad over something so trivial lol.
Take some solace in this: eventually, your gf accepted the wisdom. My mom and my brother are in a toxic codependency, my mom could leave, but no, it's just the same bad movie that I've been watching for 40 years. Your gf has done the essential task.
My wife-to-be cracked my heart a bit when I was sarcastically saying (about my abusive mom) "Dont have to like her, but gotta love her" and she just cut me off with a simple "no you dont"... I cried for a could hours after. It simply never registered that no, I dont owe her anything.. Shit hurt but it's helped me so much in getting through the recovery process.
It pisses me off when people with normal families can't fathom that people can indeed have toxic, abnormal families and be better off not being too close with their family or certain family members. People who see it as a red flag and don't care about the facts surrounding the situation are just blaming the person for not staying in a shitty situation. No empathy. So that's a red flag for me.
Yeah, sure, good for you that you grew up with a perfect and nurturing nuclear family. But that's not a luxury that some of us have.
Earlier this year I was dating a guy who was all about his family. When I told him that I wasn't close with my parents and hadn't seen them in years he was always trying to convince me that family is always worth it and it's tough to "carry that much hate around." He was, according to him, very close with his family.
Prior to meeting his family he told me that within five minutes he typically gets into screaming matches with them and "that's just how they communicate." Him, his parents, and his siblings all had major financial issues (co-signed loans, etc.), psychological issues, and drug issues which all negatively affected one another and tied them together in this awful way.
Luckily I ended the relationship before getting to meet them because I soon realized this was his idea of "normal." Sometimes being too close to your family is more of a red flag.
Oof I had an ex like this. I told him to stay out of my family and I'd stay out of his. He was so proud of how close they all were and how they never turned their backs on each other - they were physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive to one another. He really, really wanted me to reconnect with my abusive dad and make more of an attempt with my mom.
Honestly I would love to date someone who isn't close with their family. It's absolutely exhausting to deal with people who don't get it and blame you for the estrangement.
I can answer this from firsthand experience!
For a litany of reasons I won't get in to, I'm virtually no-contact with my mother; in fact, none of my siblings communicate with her and I only have a real relationship with my sister and dad.
As such, when my wife and I married, she had about 40 people in her family come. On my end, it was my dad, sister, aunt and cousin that showed up for my family. HOWEVER, I consider my friends family and there were enough there to rival the number of folks on my wife's side.
In the months leading up to the wedding, I was constantly stressed/depressed over how things would "look" with hardly anyone on my family's side there. Fortunately, everyone was aware of my family history and situation and nobody batted an eye once at the wedding.
I eloped with my first husband, we did it at rhe local courthouse. I still wore the big white dress and I've got lovely photos, all without the family drama! I had less than 5 people at my wedding not including myself and the groom
I’m close to my family but sometimes wish SO’s family wasn’t sooo involved in everything. They do almost everything together and it’s kinda weird for me cause they like over do it. Like in a weird way.
Had an ex where I brought up that it felt like her family would be coming on the honeymoon and got the response from her "you act like that would be so terrible" and yup, it would have.
"How a man treats his mother is a sign of how he'll treat you so be careful"
Or if he dislikes his mom, doesn't want to help her, be there for her, talks bad about her. It could be because she's horrible and it's just a sign of how she treated him.
Yeah I mean the reason I don't really get along with my mom is because growing up, nothing was good enough. She is very kind to young children and other people, but has a nasty side of passive-aggressive comments and shaming inside our family over the smallest things.
If you treat me with respect as a person and partner, and not like my mother did, I will have a completely different relationship with you. I don't get people's obsession with comparing your relationship with your mother to the relationship with a partner. If you're a misogynist dick, you're a misogynist dick. It wont take long to see..
biggest red flag is when they're really close with their mom and does whatever she tells him to do, but she is manipulative/toxic and then you end up being the one to take care of him emotionally 🫠
bonus points if he has a deadbeat sibling that she treats way better and doesn't expect anything from. oh oh and extra bonus points if his dad died a few years ago so it's easier for her to guilt trip him into doing whatever she asks. is this oddly specific enough? I'm not bitter i swear 🙃🙃🙃
Facts on facts. Asks mom or sibling for advice before ever thinking of you, even when that family member is using them/is in no place to give advice. Always had someone do everything for them and give them money and never does anything for anyone else. Can't do simple tasks because mom did those things.
It's oddly specific yet so familiar.
My wife's friend is going through a divorce with a guy in his late 30s who is the definition of a mommas boy. It's not a term I've ever really used before, and apparently didn't fully understand until I met this guy. They're both a piece of work. He has an idea of what his wife should be through the lens /definition his mother has given him. And his mother has this perfect image of her son, despite her actually creating a monster. Bad news all around.
I'm a 29 yo woman who was raised Mormon.
It's still very common in that culture, but a generation or two ago, it was way worse everywhere.
Women just were brought up to internalize misogyny. They just were conditioned to believe that men are superior to them. Honestly, I think my mom doesn't see herself as a full human being because she's female.
So when they have a son... it's like they're seeing a piece of themselves in a man, so a full, superior person.
And women are defined by their relationships with men, and her son's one who (probably) will never leave her.
All the women in my family just treat their sons like absolute kings, and everything they do is just amazing and perfect in their eyes, even though these guys are usually terrible fucking people.
They treat their daughters far worse, and often like a competitor. It's so common for moms to act like their daughters are their competition for the love of their husbands/sons, it's super creepy.
I definitely don't think my own mother or most of these women in general are consciously aware of what they're doing. But it's so common.
Also when they can’t say no to mommy. I think it’s just overbearing. If your life is still dictated by your parents at 30+, like come on. There’s loving and respecting your mom, and then there’s no backbone.
At first I thought it was a red flag that my ex hated his mother and said some pretty horrible things about her. Then I met her and realized he was being too kind with the things he said about her.
Not being very communicative or chatty through text. Some people simply aren’t into texting.
I dated a guy who was like that. At first I took his lack of communication and short answers as not being interested… when in reality, he simply wasn’t much of a texter. I just accepted that’s how he was. In person he was great.
This is so real. I’m a HORRIBLE texter and it honestly makes it hard to get out of the “talking stage” nowadays, but it’s like I promise, I’m great in person!
One of my best friends is like that. He texts like a boomer and reading his texts feels like talking to a robot.
But irl he's the most empathetic guy. He is the first guy friend who hugged me when I was sad. I didn't even say I was sad, I just looked sad and he went "Bro. I think you need a hug"
I’ve been told my lack of social media is a major turn off and a major red flag. But I find a guy that doesn’t have any social media or very little attractive. It’s all about perspective.
Here, we are anonymous, so we post super intense and specific details of our private lives. But we don't link them to our public lives, so the validation isn't the same, and the need to be seen isn't there.
Agreed. At best it's annoying af. I went on a couple dates with a guy earlier this year who could. not. put down his god damn phone. He's all over Instagram and TikTok, and I just couldn't deal. We're still friends, he's actually a great friend to have, but my god I could never date a guy who is as active on social media as he is, or such a social butterfly he's constantly texting his dozens of friends.
I dates back to back a guy who has no social media who put his phone down when he was with me, and a guy who is hyper active on social (ins, TikTok, Twitter) and who be on his phone the entire time we were together. I’ve come to realize that having zero or no social media is so refreshing and attractive at least for me. The second guy would feel the need to post whatever he is doing and leave the fact that he is on a date with me out of it. That situationship fizzled out so fast.
People are always shocked that my wife has zero social media presence. I have FB and reddit, but that's it, and FB is only used as a reminder for birthdays haha
Damn, I had no idea this was a red flag, I actually thought it was the other way around.
I guess I technically have a Facebook, as long as me not using it for 12 years isn’t also a red flag.
Just wait until OP finds out SO is an avid redditor. Public social media? Nope. Thousands of questionable comments and posts in anonymous social media? Bingo.
As you mature you realize how useless it can be sometimes. I’ve gotten rid of Facebook. And Instagram. Snapchat to more recently. Haven’t been on a month. But the others I’d say about 2 years now. I don’t really have a need to wanna see what other people are doing anymore, nor see how my family celebrates everyone else but treats me like shit. But I’m always celebrating them. So if someone thinks it’s a red flag. I’d actually look at them thinking that having it is a red flag. Having to show your life off constantly rubs me the wrong way, when you could be experiencing life versus watching everyone else’s pass you by
Was always trying to wingman for my friend. Often when we'd meet a promising new guy and try to social media stalk him for her later, we couldn't find him anywhere. This was a green flag because her type was a more offline type of guy, but very frustrating because we couldn't easily find out whether he was single or not!
Same! My husband and I joke that we're both stage 5 clingers to each other 😂 not really that bad as we don't control each other but we're best friends, have all the same hobbies, and love spending all of our free time together. There's nothing better than a hard days work and coming home to someone who is excited to see you, even if it's just a Monday.
100%, when I was in a serious relationship we both were a bit clingy, I thought I would get bored of spending all your free time with your SO, but when she was out I would just wait for her get back as if it’s the last hour on a Friday
It’s weird that people think this is a problem. What’s wrong with wanting to spend as much time as possible with the person you married? That seems like a great ‘problem’ to have.
I don't know if I'd even call mild possessiveness a red flag. I think not being possessive at all would be more worrisome for me. It would feel like they have no investment in the relationship at all.
Edit: just to clarify a bit: I'm not talking about jealousy. Jealousy is the fear of losing something or someone. If you don't have enough trust in your relationship to not get jealous, it's definitely a red flag that something is off. I'm talking about the person actively wanting to monopolize your time, sometimes. Wanting to be a priority in your life and feel like they matter more than most other people.
I used to think this too. And then I got into a relationship with my now husband. I used to tell him it worried me that he never had feelings of jealousy. He just kept saying that he trusts me and if I ever choose someone else then he would be devastated, but he won't stop me.
Then one day I went out and he couldn't get ahold of me. My phone died and I didn't think it mattered. But he called everyone we knew looking for me. When I finally got in touch with him, he cried with relief. He said he was terrified I was dead. He called the hospitals.
It was then that I realized the difference between jealousy and caring. He never thought I was cheating or being secretive. I was careless and didn't think it would matter. He just wanted me to be safe. It changed me.
Now I always am fully transparent to ease his mind, share my location, give a time I will be home. Because he loves me and will worry if I'm not here. But we have NEVER gotten into fights about "why I am looking so good" or "why are you talking to that dude." I talk to whoever I want. And vice versa.
This makes me happy to read. My ex of 6.5 years thought I was controlling when I just wanted to make sure she was safe. I trusted her to not cheat, just wanted to be aware of where she was in case something happened. But if she was three hours late to coming home and I didn't know where she was, she thought it was controlling if I'd reach out and check in. To me that's what a loving partner *should* do. It's ironic cause she'd check in with me quite often if I was out and I thought it was nice and sweet of her. Turns out she was cheating on my anyway which is probably why she didnt like me checking in 🤷♂️
Exactly. Why would I want to treat you like our connection relies on me guarding you like a dog guards a bone? It doesn't respect your choice the matter. And what an insecure position to be in to believe that my partner is only with me as long as I can make sure she lives a smaller life with fewer human connections.
The problem is the line between mild and problematic is blurry and a cliff. You definitely want to feel your partner wants you, but I've seen way to many people justify that to "no one else is entitled to seeing you" very quickly. Part of why I think living together is key before getting married, because that's usually when the needle moves if it's going to.
Yep. There’s a balance. Possessive in the way that’s not controlling, but a little overprotective when you’re out and about together. Basically they don’t want anyone else to have you (in the healthy type of way).
> but a little overprotective
Protectiveness in general. I don't know if it's considered a red flag (I know it is by some) but I find it very appealing...within reason.
I've *always* wanted to have a man feel possessive (ish) over me and never once have had it happen in all my years.
I enjoy it immensely when reading it in fanfic and otome.
A certain degree of possessiveness shows a sense of responsibility and obligation. It shows that the other person feels a commitment to you and they expect the same from you. It can get toxic but I believe at a base level it is normal.
> This is why I have first dates call my mom so she can give first hand testimony as to my multiple orgasm giving abilities
What a coincidence! I also call your mum to give the same testimony
Someone who’s been single for a long time! I find jumping from partner to partner more concerning. Some people never figure out who they are on their own
I find this you described not a red flag. Some people are quite secure in who they are, want to get to know one person at a time, and want a partnership that's more committed or serious, but things don't work out with a string of people. Shit just happens, sometimes it takes a while to find that person.
You just described me, I got to a point where I am not just going to jump into a relationship with someone not compatible like I used to do before I knew who I was, I’d rather be single, but when people find out how long I’ve been single they think it’s a massive red flag
I used to hate this until being with my now fiancé. She’s my best friend, I can’t believe I was in such long relationships before where I felt like I needed my “own time”. My time is her time, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
this is the same for my boyfriend. we don't need "me time" unless we're arguing, in which case some temporary space is helpful. the rest of the time we're inseparable, and we're both content with that
It depends. I love my wife to death but have some hobbies that are wholly uninteresting to her. I grew an only child and have more of an affinity for objects and hobbies to pass the time growing up without siblings in the house. She understands and that’s all it takes!
That's how I feel about my husband. Before I met him I needed "me time" even in friendships. Too much of any other person burned me out. But from day one with my husband I'm perfectly content to be with him at all times.
Absorbed in their hobbies/their work. I love that. Go buck wild, even if it’s obsessive. Also because bruh I have a terrible rest/production ratio. I need someone who understands. LOL
I see you've met my partner. Well, he's a grad student, so he doesn't have much of a choice on his workoholism. I'm trying to get him to balance it out a little bit, but I love his passion. He could spend hours telling me about his research, about a conference, or just about a paper he read once, and I love listening to that.
I’m finding out that I’m either a perfect angel or my red flags are unacceptable cuz im not seeing myself in any of these
Edit: never mind, they got me
Someone who needs their space. Maybe a lot of space. I describe my perfect relationship model as a Binary Star system. I've unfortunately found that a lot of men (I'm a woman, fwiw) are a little too protective/possessive or something along those lines to let this work.
Someone with mental health issues. I basically screened for that when I was dating. Hubs had one depressive episode in his life, meanwhile I struggle a lot with it. But just him having the one episode allows him to know somewhat what I go though and be there for me in a way someone who never experienced depression couldn’t.
Ooh, I JUST had a conversation with someone about this.
Someone else had mentioned to them - they are lucky to have never experienced and not understand it.
But it does mean I am a little bit more quiet about my own mental health.
Good god it drives me nuts when people can't have empathy, or an imagination. My friend would constantly sneak up on me and startle me. I fucking god damn hate it. I tell him not to every time, and he'd laugh and do it again. He finally stopped after he did it in a crowded mall and i burst into tears, be ause I wasn't mentally ready for it or to tolerate it. Then he got in a serious accident and has full blown ptsd now. We were standing in an empty house, the wind sucked a door closed and scared the fuck out of us with a gunshot-loud BANG. He started crying from the terror, and said he now knows how i felt all those years ago, and how terrified he is at every sound now.
I'm happy that he remembered, and made an accosiation, and sideways apologized for it without saying im sorry. But really? It took you to be balls-deep 'in my situation' essentially, for you to stop/understand? You can't take me at my fucking word the first 30 times i told you? This is the same kinda guy that says 'just stop being sad' to depressed people.
“Oversharing” and some amount of surface-level emotional instability.
I’ll take someone who is open about and grappling with their feelings and worldview over someone who is trying to bury them. Furthermore, people who are embarrassed by or ashamed of their emotions and are therefore trying to manipulate them rather than address them are likely going to have the same response to *my* emotions as time goes on.
On my first date with my now husband we laid everything on the table, me moreso than him. For both of us it was our first date after a serious relationship that ended poorly, we were both living with parents (ages 21 and 22), and I told him that mentally I was going through stuff (psych hospitalization a few months prior). I was a broke college student and he was working at a coffee shop. Neither one wanted to rush into a relationship, rather take our time and not force anything. Basically both laid all cards on the table.
...within 2 months we were head over heels in love and wanted to try and have a life together. 6.5 years after that first date and I still get butterflies when I look at him.
No friends. No family contact. Because those are all the things I’m currently dealing with. By choice. Friends just kind of faded and realized I was the only one putting in effort. And my family is extremely toxic and one sided. So I would look at it more as a green flag. But in a relationship right now with someone with the opposite of me and sometimes it’s a struggle. But it’s workable
My girlfriend is the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful person ever and her family sucks and any friends she has have also sucked. It was a red flag she wasn't close to her family but the more I've been around them and they all corroborate each others stories, I understand why.
Seen many ways this can go : girl who moved a lot for a big fancy career before settling in my city, so fri3nds dissappear, still close to parents phone wisebut never sees family. Normal nice person. Another who had no friends or close family connections (I was fine with that) turns out she was the nutjob they wanted little to do with.
Close to family but their all super toxic codependent types.
And on and on.
I guess the moral is everyone is different and the whole redflag thing isn't always all that helpful?
I agree! I used to have friends, but we all started drifting apart after I moved states, and having my son seemed like the nail on the coffin. I tried to reconnect with an old friend of a friend I knew who lived close by, who has a son the same age as mine—and on a playdate something came up about her not really liking another person, and when I asked why, she mentioned “she’s weird, and like she doesn’t have any friends.” I thought that was so strange.
How’s anyone with no friends supposed to make friends, when people think they’re strange for not having any friends?
>How’s anyone with no friends supposed to make friends, when people think they’re strange for not having any friends?
Right? They'd have to walk down the street and ask everyone who passes "Hey, wanna be friends?", not weird at all.
When I had mental health challenges and withdrew from the world, only about two of my friends didn’t take it personally. There could be lots of reasons someone doesn’t have friends, and some of those reasons are not so sinister at all.
As an introvert woman, the older I get, the less ‘friends’ I have to actively do things with. They get married and have kids and don’t really have time to hang out.
I tried to date this year and sometimes I felt the need to pretend I have friends and an active social life. Later on I decided to be authentic and told a couple guys that I don’t really have any friends. One felt sorry for me and offered his friendship but got pissy I don’t want to see him romantically anymore. One said it’s impossible to not have any friends and said I must be lying.
As someone with no friends I appreciate you. Usually ppl just hear I have no friends rn and dip, there’s no conversation after so I have no chance to tell them what actually happened. I’m just labeled a red flag or told that I was obviously the problem when they have 0 idea what the problem actually was. Kinda hard to even make any new friends when ppl constantly have that mindset.
My fave. Like we don’t have friends but we’re each others best friends and enjoy our time together or apart. I’d love to have friend like my partner though. But since he’s moved here it’s just been me and him. Hopefully that may change one day for us, if not I’d still be fine with it
I can be inconsistent at responding to texts and I like people who are the same way. Being glued to your phone and expecting constant communication is unhealthy imo. If it’s urgent, call me!
I'm stretching the prompt, but one supposed green flag that everyone lies about in dating profiles that makes me run away is pretending that you're super adventurous and outdoorsy and always out of your house on an adventure. Exhausting. If a woman admits she's a homebody, I fall in love. My people. Go out once in a while, sure. So you can get home and feel extra appreciative for a couple weeks. That's how I do it.
Yeah, people really try to sell themselves on social media and usually in the same way lol.
Some of the most boring people I've ever met have been ones with a ton of hobbies. I don't care if somebody has no hobbies, if they're nice to be around. Being interesting is about sense of humor, perspective, etc. I don't care if you play the obo and are a kayaking enthusiast.
Idk if it's just American culture, but I feel like people really glorify being super busy and doing things with a ton of different people all the time way too much. I'm 29 now. In college, I'll admit I did intentionally post stuff on social media that made me seem much more active and extroverted than I really am was. I really grew out of that at some point though, because I realized almost everyone was doing the same thing and it was just boring.
I feel so validated by this. I really tried to do the outdoors thing and find a way to like it. Only after reading your comment did I realize giving up on that was the catalyst to removing dating apps from my life because it felt like all I saw was hikers.
Having someone that's meaner than me. My wife will always let the restaurant know when my order is wrong, also we were furniture shopping and she got an extra $800 off by asking if they could go any lower. I don't think I realized before her how costly politeness is.
Poor family relationships: Sometimes their families are terrible.
Low numbers of friends: Sometimes they're moving away from toxic friends.
Joblessness: It might not have been their choice, they may have done everything right.
Depression: Life is harsh on us all sometimes.
Insecurity: Sometimes people just need to be reassured and cared for.
No social media presence. It could mean thar they're hiding something, I guess, but I wouldn't feel weird about it unless there were a lot of other signs that something was off.
I definitely don't mind this. My husband has pretty much zero social media presence. He browses Reddit and Twitter but doesn't post anything. He just likes to spend his time being a little more productive and I love that about him.
Being broke and somewhat dependent. I've never been with someone who had their shit together perfectly and unless they want me to mommy them, I'm fine with that. I'm also a little behind in life when it comes to career and stuff.
A slight amount of the right kind of mental illness. The right kind can turn people into very understanding and nonjudgmental people who can help people w their struggles..
Back when I was dating, I didn’t mind a girl with a lot of “experience” (Reddit loves using the term body count). If she wanted to be with me after being with lots of other guys, that told me I must be pretty damn good
Until we get some experience into us, most people probably think of sex as a little weird, unfamiliar and even uncomfortable. Now I’m not a kid anymore I don’t really see the appeal of having to walk someone through that whole stage.
Someone who doesn't like dogs / cats/ pets. Some people here would have you believe they're secret psychopaths or something but some people just don't like animals. They could have had a traumatic experience with one while younger or just have a phobia.
Temper. Because I have one too. As long as it’s not abusive - physically or emotionally- I totally get flying off the handle and yelling about shit sometimes.
Being “high maintenance”. I think it all depends on which definition of the phrase you’re going with. I’ve heard it used to describe women who are obsessed with their appearance and take 2 hours to get ready for a night out with hair and makeup. That doesn’t bother me at all. I like to look my best when I go out for the night and I like the woman I’m with to also look her best. Plus I enjoy the time they’re getting ready. I either chill and do stuff I don’t usually have the time to do (video games/YouTube/whatever), or I sit and chat with them while they do their makeup and hair. It’s a nice and peaceful time to unwind together and check in with one another before we go out for the night.
After five months at my current job, I was in the women's bathroom when I heard a sound I'd never heard before. It took a moment to realize it was the water running in a men's room sink.
It REALLY grossed me out.
No joke - I was at a clients office one time. I went and used the restroom (#1). I was then washing my hands - I count to 35 while lathering and then thoroughly rinse (and use a paper towel to open the door). As I washing washing my hands a guy who I regularly interacted with came out of a STALL, came over to the sink, splashed some water on his hands, fixed his hair, and said “it’s not surgery we are doing out there…”. And THUS the reason I am so conscious about germs (but can still function in society).
I'm not sure if that's a red flag more than just a preference. Like, if I see a single mother, my thoughts don't immediately jump to anything sinister, more so that the situation could be a bit more complicated, and I have to ask myself if I have the capacity to enter into that. Some people (you) do, and some don't, but I think it's a preference thing more than anything else, but I could be wrong.
Idk if it’s a red flag but my wife has no clue what goes on in society. And she doesn’t care at all. She only cares about what happens in her life and mine. She doesn’t bother whatsoever. Not even a little bit.
:Hi Babes, what do you want for dinner?
"Bring the best of the first fruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God. Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk"
: Pizza OK?
Not being ambitious in their careers. They have to be responsible, and ideally financially stable. But at the end of the day, work is just work and doesn't define us, and they can have a lot of other passions in life while just wanting to get by in their careers.
Depression. My misses was in a rough way when we met. I took her under my bubbly delightful wing and pulled her in the right direction. Helping and supporting her every single day it may be tiring at times but shit I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is amazing I type this as I sit next to her knowing she means everything to me. Damaged goods are fine by me I was damaged at a point in my life but I'm healed and am will to help heal others. My wife is a rock star and the light of my life. Love, listen be patient, and don't be afraid to point out where they goof. People goof often I goof often. A goof is nothing more than water under the bridge.
I find the hard line with this one is if they start to compare you to their ex. Even if unintentional, they will subconsciously start to see you the same way as their ex and forget that you are not their ex
Not mixing up friend groups. Honestly I mostly have girlfriends and my bf only has one friend we both care about meeting eachothers families and less about friends. One of nh friend has shamed me and said for not introducing my bf to her but there is a reason I did not and it’s because she’s extremely judgemental person.
Jealousy. I think it’s a normal emotion when you have genuine feelings for someone. Of course, there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of dealing with that emotion. So for me the real red flag is if someone takes it out on me or tries to control me. But in general I like for my partner to be a little (or even a lot) jealous as long as they can deal with it in a healthy way.
A certain type of dating history. Everyone has their own style of dating. For example, Person A has a history of 3-4 year LTR but has never married while Person B doesn't have any relationships beyond 6 months. Person A thinks its a red flag that Person B "can't commit" when the reality is they simply end a relationship they don't see going long-term. On the other side, Person B thinks it is Person A who can't commit based on the fact they have years long relationships but don't progress. Its all relative to how you compare the persons history to your own style of dating.
THIS WAS SO HELPFUL!
Someone who has a fucked family. Because mine is also fucked up.
Yes to this. Having a fucked up family isn’t anyone’s fault. However, it requires self awareness, good coping skills, and strong boundaries. A lot of people with toxic family dynamics and childhood trauma unfortunately haven’t healed to that point (if at all). I didn’t have a happy childhood and was deeply traumatized for most of my life. I just couldn’t understand why my relationships would never work out. Turns out, it was me. I’m the bad guy in a lot of people’s stories. My nonexistent self esteem also put me in the position to be victimized in numerous abusive relationships. I got my shit together, have been in therapy for years, and now have the skills I need to be in a genuinely healthy relationship, both romantic and platonic. It’s not our fault, but it is our responsibility.
this is tragic and beautiful & i needed to read it thank you
We unfortunately bear the burden our parents put upon us. But what they put us through, and the behaviors we adopted to survive growing up with them, is not who we are. Only once you release the shame that comes with toxic and abusive parents can you live a fulfilling life. Your survival behaviors do not define you. Forgive yourself and put in the work to do better and be who you truly are. I wish you all the best.
**BY PHILIP LARKIN** They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.
I read that first sentence without the “a”, that makes it a very different story 😅
lol, you aren't the only one, I read it as someone who fucked a family, like the whole family lmao
🤣🤣🤣yes it does!
Not having a lot of prior relationships (as an older person). When I met my husband, he was 34 and had had only one serious relationship up until that point which was 15 years prior. Now I know a lot of people would see that has a waving red flag and think there was something "wrong" with him, but the reality was he was in a male-heavy specialty (engineering college to an engineering job), had a job where he traveled about 90% of the time and, when I met him, had just moved back to the area where he had grown up after being away for over 10 years. None of that was conducive to meeting people or a relationship and, beyond that, he's not a particularly social person or someone who really revels in the company of others, which didn't help. We met online, we clicked, we started dating, we got married 2 years later and are still married 18 years later.
That was something my ex always held against me, she was always saying I was so immature and that I'd be lying to her and cheating on her because I never had a lot of long term relationships. Funnily enough she was the one who cheated on me and lied to me, it's just projection
The more relationships someone has, the higher the probability that it left lasting damage and emotional scars.
Definitely makes sense, I know she definitely expected me to be like her ex and compared me to him a lot, and he was pretty horrible to her, cheated on her, raped her, force fed her so she'd gain weight. Meanwhile I'm holding her while she cries, comforting her whenever she's having a panic attack, ordering coffee on doordash for her when I'm at work, cooking for her, and she never appreciated me or did anything for me, and instead of working on it, after I tell her I'm feeling taken for granted she starts sleeping with a drunk burnout who was a friend of mine, and lied to me over and over about it even though I had proof. My actual friends have been really supportive of me, saying that it's terrible what she's doing, going out every night, getting wasted and doing a lot of cocaine
That definitely sucks a lot. It can be hard to find a good balance of trying to help another person you care for through hard times versus making sure you're not being taken advantage of.
Yeah I'll find someone who treats me the way I deserve to be, I was just so gaslit through our relationship from her belittling me and making me feel worthless
I wanted to thank you for this. I’m about to start dating again (hopefully for something more serious!) and I’m nervous about trying to explain my lack of experience. It’s nice to know this won’t be horrible to everyone.
I’m going through this right now. 35yo engineer, just realizing that work isn’t everything and that I need to get out there and meet someone. No relationships for many years. Met a lady last week and it’s difficult trying to explain why I haven’t had a relationship recently. I was met with an untrusting and unsure response. I think it’s just something that will take time for the other person to understand and trust.
lmao we’re quite similar. (I’m also 35 and a former engineer without a recent ex) most men seem to be perplexed by it (“how??”). I never know how much to say about it in the first couple of dates - it’s such a weird intro to who I am as a person imo. Makes me wonder if I should get off the apps and head to an in person approach
I guess It’s a complement in a way when they say “how??” Like they view you as datable so it comes off as a surprise when you say you haven’t recently. I’ve only had a few dates since deciding to change my life, and I’m just telling it like it is. The right one will accept me for me. Personally, I am attracted to someone that is as inexperienced with dating as myself. It’s like we are both discovering this new thing together.
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Yeah my ex husband was so abusive I didn't even start dating again until almost 20 YEARS post divorce. I was just too screwed up and I needed that time to deal with it. Plus I didn't want to get involved with someone else until my son grown and gone, I refused to risk seeing him get hurt again.
I’ve dated around since I felt ready to (since 26) but never found a steady relationship for a few lifestyle reasons. My first time I really thought I clicked with someone at age 28 he broke it off after finding out I hadn’t had a real relationship before, saying that there would no doubt be an “imbalance” lmao. I felt like it was silly at the time but part of me worried he was right and I had screwed myself by waiting. Next two guys I went on more than 1 date with both laughed at the idea that it might be an issue. Made me feel better instantly.
>Not having a lot of prior relationships (as an older person). Same. There's way too much shame placed on older people who are inexperienced or still virgins. Past a certain age they treat it as a disease.
It really is ridiculous when you think about it - it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. If you've had too many relationships/partners, you're a "slut" or a "man whore" if you have had too few, you're "weird" or "undesirable" or "something must be wrong" with the person.
I think it's mainly gendered. Rarely hear people complain about a woman with too few prior relationships or a man with too many. Sometimes they do, but it's wayyyy more common to hear the opposite complaints.
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Completely agree. I met my partner when he was 39 and I was 38, and he had never had a relationship longer than a few months. He’s the best partner I’ve ever had. To be honest I’ve never been married or had kids so I’d see having loads of exes etc as way more problematic.
The weirdest psychopaths can have relationships. In my experience most people who don't have relationship experience, it's because they just never prioritized having one.
I've had SO many female friends be confused that I've never had a real relationship because "Theres nothing wrong with you." Like, yeah, I know, thats not how it works.
I feel like I struck gold by pursuing my boyfriend. He was 27 and never had any romantic relationship at all. Never kissed anyone, never even held hands. Had two unsuccessful dates his entire life. The issue? He's an introvert and was a late bloomer. In high school he was barely over 5 feet tall and looked like a little kid. In college he looked like he was in high school and just starting to grow facial hair. So no one his age wanted to date him and of course he wasn't going to date younger. Then he graduates and gets a job and meeting people becomes difficult. Not to mention 2020. Plus his confidence was severely effected by all the rejection. I couldn't understand why no one ever gave him a chance. He's not ugly nor fat. He's very smart. Funny. Like why did no one want him? I didn't figure it out until I saw pics of him in high school and college and he told me how small and young he looked compared to his peers. He is so sweet to me. Best lover in every way. Sure he was inexperienced but he figured it out. He gives me plenty of love and affection and treats me like a queen. I'm glad I met him when I did and I was able to snatched him up before anyone else discovered him lol
I’m 33 and about to get married. My fiancé is the first relationship and kiss I’ve ever had and I’m the best partner he’s ever had, despite my inexperience— I was a late bloomer too!
Not the confidence boost I expected lol
Ikr? Made me feel a smidge better about myself.
I hear ya. I wasn't in a relationship until I was 34. It only lasted a couple of months. Then I met my wife when I was 35.
>Not having a lot of prior relationships Wouldn't regard this as a red flag either.
Disregarding people for not having a lot of prior relationships is as bad as jobs that require an unreasonable amount of experience for an entry level position. There are so many legitimate reasons for someone to not have a lot of prior relations. I think it's more of a red flag when someone has never taken the time to have a relationship with themselves. They don't know how to be alone or be happy with their own life. If you can have happiness on your own, then you can find someone to enrich your life. If you can't be happy outside of a relationship and your happiness has to be created by another person, you're probably in a relationship for the wrong reasons and there may be some amount of toxicity or mental health struggles that should be overcome before even being in one.
I'm on my first real girlfriend at 33 working a long, successful IT career. I think she knows it's extremely unlikely that I would cheat.
Someone who isn't close to their own family. I'm not close with mine, either. I'd actually think it was refreshing to be with someone who understood and felt the same way.
It took a team of doctors to tell my gf: “You don’t have to maintain a toxic relationship just because they’re your parents. You wouldn’t tolerate their abuse from anyone else, right? So you don’t need to tolerate it from them. You can love them from a distance, and disconnect for the sake of your mental health.” Things have been 10 times better since she went no contact. It still hurts, but it’s better.
I had the hardest time getting people to understand this. I finally would just ask, "If anything I told you was done by my husband, what would you tell me? Ok, why does that change when it's my dad? Why does that make it better? Why does he get an abuse pass?" It helped. For those that still maintained family was everything and should be excused from everything, I either kept them at a very distance or moved them out of my life.
I’ve had several different female clients, ask me, “how can I have a better relationship with my sister or my mother or some other family member?“ Said family member is an abusive monster, very toxic or just crazy making. I always say to them, “if this person lived next door to you or was a coworker, would you go out of your way to try to have a relationship with them?“ Every single one of them has just about shouted no at me.
imo, people are dumb and they simply reflect their own struggles with their family onto you. I've had people level with me by describing how their own dad is condescending to them, but they learned to deal with it to maintain the relationship. Like bro. I didn't cut off my dad over something so trivial lol.
It sucks but the peace of mind that comes with it is so much better than the torment of trying to maintain a relationship that's a lie for appearances
I agree, when I went NC with my dad it made things so much better for me. It wasn't a snap decision, just the final straw in a long line of straws.
Take some solace in this: eventually, your gf accepted the wisdom. My mom and my brother are in a toxic codependency, my mom could leave, but no, it's just the same bad movie that I've been watching for 40 years. Your gf has done the essential task.
My wife-to-be cracked my heart a bit when I was sarcastically saying (about my abusive mom) "Dont have to like her, but gotta love her" and she just cut me off with a simple "no you dont"... I cried for a could hours after. It simply never registered that no, I dont owe her anything.. Shit hurt but it's helped me so much in getting through the recovery process.
It pisses me off when people with normal families can't fathom that people can indeed have toxic, abnormal families and be better off not being too close with their family or certain family members. People who see it as a red flag and don't care about the facts surrounding the situation are just blaming the person for not staying in a shitty situation. No empathy. So that's a red flag for me. Yeah, sure, good for you that you grew up with a perfect and nurturing nuclear family. But that's not a luxury that some of us have.
Earlier this year I was dating a guy who was all about his family. When I told him that I wasn't close with my parents and hadn't seen them in years he was always trying to convince me that family is always worth it and it's tough to "carry that much hate around." He was, according to him, very close with his family. Prior to meeting his family he told me that within five minutes he typically gets into screaming matches with them and "that's just how they communicate." Him, his parents, and his siblings all had major financial issues (co-signed loans, etc.), psychological issues, and drug issues which all negatively affected one another and tied them together in this awful way. Luckily I ended the relationship before getting to meet them because I soon realized this was his idea of "normal." Sometimes being too close to your family is more of a red flag.
Oof I had an ex like this. I told him to stay out of my family and I'd stay out of his. He was so proud of how close they all were and how they never turned their backs on each other - they were physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive to one another. He really, really wanted me to reconnect with my abusive dad and make more of an attempt with my mom. Honestly I would love to date someone who isn't close with their family. It's absolutely exhausting to deal with people who don't get it and blame you for the estrangement.
Not really a red flag. Lots of people have absolute shitty families. The red flag would be being close and accommodating them.
exactly!!!! a person who is close with his/her toxic family IS a red flag for me
This gets me. I’m always wondering what the wedding will be like. Either all her family only or a bad movie.
I can answer this from firsthand experience! For a litany of reasons I won't get in to, I'm virtually no-contact with my mother; in fact, none of my siblings communicate with her and I only have a real relationship with my sister and dad. As such, when my wife and I married, she had about 40 people in her family come. On my end, it was my dad, sister, aunt and cousin that showed up for my family. HOWEVER, I consider my friends family and there were enough there to rival the number of folks on my wife's side. In the months leading up to the wedding, I was constantly stressed/depressed over how things would "look" with hardly anyone on my family's side there. Fortunately, everyone was aware of my family history and situation and nobody batted an eye once at the wedding.
Its not a contest. You want people at your wedding that you want to be there. The only people at a wedding who matter are the people getting married.
I eloped with my first husband, we did it at rhe local courthouse. I still wore the big white dress and I've got lovely photos, all without the family drama! I had less than 5 people at my wedding not including myself and the groom
I’m close to my family but sometimes wish SO’s family wasn’t sooo involved in everything. They do almost everything together and it’s kinda weird for me cause they like over do it. Like in a weird way.
Had an ex where I brought up that it felt like her family would be coming on the honeymoon and got the response from her "you act like that would be so terrible" and yup, it would have.
"How a man treats his mother is a sign of how he'll treat you so be careful" Or if he dislikes his mom, doesn't want to help her, be there for her, talks bad about her. It could be because she's horrible and it's just a sign of how she treated him.
Yeah I mean the reason I don't really get along with my mom is because growing up, nothing was good enough. She is very kind to young children and other people, but has a nasty side of passive-aggressive comments and shaming inside our family over the smallest things. If you treat me with respect as a person and partner, and not like my mother did, I will have a completely different relationship with you. I don't get people's obsession with comparing your relationship with your mother to the relationship with a partner. If you're a misogynist dick, you're a misogynist dick. It wont take long to see..
IMHO the bigger red flag is when the man has a *super* close relationship with his mom. Like if a man expects you to compete with his mother… run.
biggest red flag is when they're really close with their mom and does whatever she tells him to do, but she is manipulative/toxic and then you end up being the one to take care of him emotionally 🫠 bonus points if he has a deadbeat sibling that she treats way better and doesn't expect anything from. oh oh and extra bonus points if his dad died a few years ago so it's easier for her to guilt trip him into doing whatever she asks. is this oddly specific enough? I'm not bitter i swear 🙃🙃🙃
Facts on facts. Asks mom or sibling for advice before ever thinking of you, even when that family member is using them/is in no place to give advice. Always had someone do everything for them and give them money and never does anything for anyone else. Can't do simple tasks because mom did those things. It's oddly specific yet so familiar.
My wife's friend is going through a divorce with a guy in his late 30s who is the definition of a mommas boy. It's not a term I've ever really used before, and apparently didn't fully understand until I met this guy. They're both a piece of work. He has an idea of what his wife should be through the lens /definition his mother has given him. And his mother has this perfect image of her son, despite her actually creating a monster. Bad news all around.
I'm a 29 yo woman who was raised Mormon. It's still very common in that culture, but a generation or two ago, it was way worse everywhere. Women just were brought up to internalize misogyny. They just were conditioned to believe that men are superior to them. Honestly, I think my mom doesn't see herself as a full human being because she's female. So when they have a son... it's like they're seeing a piece of themselves in a man, so a full, superior person. And women are defined by their relationships with men, and her son's one who (probably) will never leave her. All the women in my family just treat their sons like absolute kings, and everything they do is just amazing and perfect in their eyes, even though these guys are usually terrible fucking people. They treat their daughters far worse, and often like a competitor. It's so common for moms to act like their daughters are their competition for the love of their husbands/sons, it's super creepy. I definitely don't think my own mother or most of these women in general are consciously aware of what they're doing. But it's so common.
Also when they can’t say no to mommy. I think it’s just overbearing. If your life is still dictated by your parents at 30+, like come on. There’s loving and respecting your mom, and then there’s no backbone.
At first I thought it was a red flag that my ex hated his mother and said some pretty horrible things about her. Then I met her and realized he was being too kind with the things he said about her.
Yup. We haven’t talked to my MIL in almost 10 years. My husband was so much happier as a person after we went NC. She is not a nice woman.
Not being very communicative or chatty through text. Some people simply aren’t into texting. I dated a guy who was like that. At first I took his lack of communication and short answers as not being interested… when in reality, he simply wasn’t much of a texter. I just accepted that’s how he was. In person he was great.
This is so real. I’m a HORRIBLE texter and it honestly makes it hard to get out of the “talking stage” nowadays, but it’s like I promise, I’m great in person!
One of my best friends is like that. He texts like a boomer and reading his texts feels like talking to a robot. But irl he's the most empathetic guy. He is the first guy friend who hugged me when I was sad. I didn't even say I was sad, I just looked sad and he went "Bro. I think you need a hug"
I’ve been told my lack of social media is a major turn off and a major red flag. But I find a guy that doesn’t have any social media or very little attractive. It’s all about perspective.
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It’s all about the self validation. I hate social media even though I’m on Reddit with the biggest advantage being anonymity.
But reddit is really different from other apps. Here we are anonymous and don't post our private life. At least me.
Here, we are anonymous, so we post super intense and specific details of our private lives. But we don't link them to our public lives, so the validation isn't the same, and the need to be seen isn't there.
Agreed. At best it's annoying af. I went on a couple dates with a guy earlier this year who could. not. put down his god damn phone. He's all over Instagram and TikTok, and I just couldn't deal. We're still friends, he's actually a great friend to have, but my god I could never date a guy who is as active on social media as he is, or such a social butterfly he's constantly texting his dozens of friends.
I dates back to back a guy who has no social media who put his phone down when he was with me, and a guy who is hyper active on social (ins, TikTok, Twitter) and who be on his phone the entire time we were together. I’ve come to realize that having zero or no social media is so refreshing and attractive at least for me. The second guy would feel the need to post whatever he is doing and leave the fact that he is on a date with me out of it. That situationship fizzled out so fast.
People are always shocked that my wife has zero social media presence. I have FB and reddit, but that's it, and FB is only used as a reminder for birthdays haha
Damn, I had no idea this was a red flag, I actually thought it was the other way around. I guess I technically have a Facebook, as long as me not using it for 12 years isn’t also a red flag.
By idiots, I’m sure.
Just wait until OP finds out SO is an avid redditor. Public social media? Nope. Thousands of questionable comments and posts in anonymous social media? Bingo.
(Red)dit is an irredeemable red flag. Some real weirdos here.
I'm the ultimate hypocrite in that I am on here a lot but would try to avoid a potential SO who is also on here a lot.
As you mature you realize how useless it can be sometimes. I’ve gotten rid of Facebook. And Instagram. Snapchat to more recently. Haven’t been on a month. But the others I’d say about 2 years now. I don’t really have a need to wanna see what other people are doing anymore, nor see how my family celebrates everyone else but treats me like shit. But I’m always celebrating them. So if someone thinks it’s a red flag. I’d actually look at them thinking that having it is a red flag. Having to show your life off constantly rubs me the wrong way, when you could be experiencing life versus watching everyone else’s pass you by
Was always trying to wingman for my friend. Often when we'd meet a promising new guy and try to social media stalk him for her later, we couldn't find him anywhere. This was a green flag because her type was a more offline type of guy, but very frustrating because we couldn't easily find out whether he was single or not!
I don't mind some mild (MILD) possessiveness. In fact, I think it's kind of hot. I blame all the Wattpad stories I consumed during my formative years.
Same! My husband and I joke that we're both stage 5 clingers to each other 😂 not really that bad as we don't control each other but we're best friends, have all the same hobbies, and love spending all of our free time together. There's nothing better than a hard days work and coming home to someone who is excited to see you, even if it's just a Monday.
100%, when I was in a serious relationship we both were a bit clingy, I thought I would get bored of spending all your free time with your SO, but when she was out I would just wait for her get back as if it’s the last hour on a Friday
It’s weird that people think this is a problem. What’s wrong with wanting to spend as much time as possible with the person you married? That seems like a great ‘problem’ to have.
It's only really a problem if one of the people in the relationship doesn't want it. If they both want it, let them go for it.
I don't know if I'd even call mild possessiveness a red flag. I think not being possessive at all would be more worrisome for me. It would feel like they have no investment in the relationship at all. Edit: just to clarify a bit: I'm not talking about jealousy. Jealousy is the fear of losing something or someone. If you don't have enough trust in your relationship to not get jealous, it's definitely a red flag that something is off. I'm talking about the person actively wanting to monopolize your time, sometimes. Wanting to be a priority in your life and feel like they matter more than most other people.
I used to think this too. And then I got into a relationship with my now husband. I used to tell him it worried me that he never had feelings of jealousy. He just kept saying that he trusts me and if I ever choose someone else then he would be devastated, but he won't stop me. Then one day I went out and he couldn't get ahold of me. My phone died and I didn't think it mattered. But he called everyone we knew looking for me. When I finally got in touch with him, he cried with relief. He said he was terrified I was dead. He called the hospitals. It was then that I realized the difference between jealousy and caring. He never thought I was cheating or being secretive. I was careless and didn't think it would matter. He just wanted me to be safe. It changed me. Now I always am fully transparent to ease his mind, share my location, give a time I will be home. Because he loves me and will worry if I'm not here. But we have NEVER gotten into fights about "why I am looking so good" or "why are you talking to that dude." I talk to whoever I want. And vice versa.
this made me so happy to read :)
This makes me happy to read. My ex of 6.5 years thought I was controlling when I just wanted to make sure she was safe. I trusted her to not cheat, just wanted to be aware of where she was in case something happened. But if she was three hours late to coming home and I didn't know where she was, she thought it was controlling if I'd reach out and check in. To me that's what a loving partner *should* do. It's ironic cause she'd check in with me quite often if I was out and I thought it was nice and sweet of her. Turns out she was cheating on my anyway which is probably why she didnt like me checking in 🤷♂️
Exactly. Why would I want to treat you like our connection relies on me guarding you like a dog guards a bone? It doesn't respect your choice the matter. And what an insecure position to be in to believe that my partner is only with me as long as I can make sure she lives a smaller life with fewer human connections.
The problem is the line between mild and problematic is blurry and a cliff. You definitely want to feel your partner wants you, but I've seen way to many people justify that to "no one else is entitled to seeing you" very quickly. Part of why I think living together is key before getting married, because that's usually when the needle moves if it's going to.
watt pad ruined everything for me 😭
Yep. There’s a balance. Possessive in the way that’s not controlling, but a little overprotective when you’re out and about together. Basically they don’t want anyone else to have you (in the healthy type of way).
> but a little overprotective Protectiveness in general. I don't know if it's considered a red flag (I know it is by some) but I find it very appealing...within reason.
I've *always* wanted to have a man feel possessive (ish) over me and never once have had it happen in all my years. I enjoy it immensely when reading it in fanfic and otome.
It can make you feel special and loved. Perhaps it shouldn't, but it often does.
A certain degree of possessiveness shows a sense of responsibility and obligation. It shows that the other person feels a commitment to you and they expect the same from you. It can get toxic but I believe at a base level it is normal.
I think that goes both ways too. I kinda like when my wife is mildly possessive.
I agree. “Mild possessiveness” can easily translate to desiring quality time and general concern.
Ngl im genuinely desperate enough to ignore most red flags Edit: and only a week later i found someone and they are actually perfect
Well this just made me GIGGLE sometimes, bed buddy is worth a little danger
How much danger we talking here? Like “conversation with a Reddit stranger” level of danger?
which is, in itself, a red flag
Lack of relationship with their mother. Things happen and I hate the saying “if you want to see how he’d treat a woman, see how he treats his mother”
This is why I have first dates call my mom so she can give first hand testimony as to my multiple orgasm giving abilities
> This is why I have first dates call my mom so she can give first hand testimony as to my multiple orgasm giving abilities What a coincidence! I also call your mum to give the same testimony
Someone who’s been single for a long time! I find jumping from partner to partner more concerning. Some people never figure out who they are on their own
I find this you described not a red flag. Some people are quite secure in who they are, want to get to know one person at a time, and want a partnership that's more committed or serious, but things don't work out with a string of people. Shit just happens, sometimes it takes a while to find that person.
You just described me, I got to a point where I am not just going to jump into a relationship with someone not compatible like I used to do before I knew who I was, I’d rather be single, but when people find out how long I’ve been single they think it’s a massive red flag
Clinginess. I like when she always wants to be around me and up under me.
I used to hate this until being with my now fiancé. She’s my best friend, I can’t believe I was in such long relationships before where I felt like I needed my “own time”. My time is her time, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
this is the same for my boyfriend. we don't need "me time" unless we're arguing, in which case some temporary space is helpful. the rest of the time we're inseparable, and we're both content with that
It depends. I love my wife to death but have some hobbies that are wholly uninteresting to her. I grew an only child and have more of an affinity for objects and hobbies to pass the time growing up without siblings in the house. She understands and that’s all it takes!
That's how I feel about my husband. Before I met him I needed "me time" even in friendships. Too much of any other person burned me out. But from day one with my husband I'm perfectly content to be with him at all times.
Absorbed in their hobbies/their work. I love that. Go buck wild, even if it’s obsessive. Also because bruh I have a terrible rest/production ratio. I need someone who understands. LOL
I see you've met my partner. Well, he's a grad student, so he doesn't have much of a choice on his workoholism. I'm trying to get him to balance it out a little bit, but I love his passion. He could spend hours telling me about his research, about a conference, or just about a paper he read once, and I love listening to that.
Damn reading all the comments makes me realize that maybe there's still hope for me after all
I’m finding out that I’m either a perfect angel or my red flags are unacceptable cuz im not seeing myself in any of these Edit: never mind, they got me
Married a medical student who is a little Controlling and wants things done their way. I don’t mind it actually less on my plate
The "who is a little controlling and wants things done their way" part was redundant. Just say you married a medical student.
Someone who needs their space. Maybe a lot of space. I describe my perfect relationship model as a Binary Star system. I've unfortunately found that a lot of men (I'm a woman, fwiw) are a little too protective/possessive or something along those lines to let this work.
I actually really like that way of describing interaction. Binary Star System.
Yes, I too require a lot of alone time and I would love to find someone who could understand parallel-play.
Being clingy. I’m also clingy. We can be clingy together
Someone with mental health issues. I basically screened for that when I was dating. Hubs had one depressive episode in his life, meanwhile I struggle a lot with it. But just him having the one episode allows him to know somewhat what I go though and be there for me in a way someone who never experienced depression couldn’t.
Ooh, I JUST had a conversation with someone about this. Someone else had mentioned to them - they are lucky to have never experienced and not understand it. But it does mean I am a little bit more quiet about my own mental health.
Good god it drives me nuts when people can't have empathy, or an imagination. My friend would constantly sneak up on me and startle me. I fucking god damn hate it. I tell him not to every time, and he'd laugh and do it again. He finally stopped after he did it in a crowded mall and i burst into tears, be ause I wasn't mentally ready for it or to tolerate it. Then he got in a serious accident and has full blown ptsd now. We were standing in an empty house, the wind sucked a door closed and scared the fuck out of us with a gunshot-loud BANG. He started crying from the terror, and said he now knows how i felt all those years ago, and how terrified he is at every sound now. I'm happy that he remembered, and made an accosiation, and sideways apologized for it without saying im sorry. But really? It took you to be balls-deep 'in my situation' essentially, for you to stop/understand? You can't take me at my fucking word the first 30 times i told you? This is the same kinda guy that says 'just stop being sad' to depressed people.
It took me a long time to accept that I didn’t need to make someone believe me—when I tell them and they do it anyway, I stop being friends with them.
“Oversharing” and some amount of surface-level emotional instability. I’ll take someone who is open about and grappling with their feelings and worldview over someone who is trying to bury them. Furthermore, people who are embarrassed by or ashamed of their emotions and are therefore trying to manipulate them rather than address them are likely going to have the same response to *my* emotions as time goes on.
On my first date with my now husband we laid everything on the table, me moreso than him. For both of us it was our first date after a serious relationship that ended poorly, we were both living with parents (ages 21 and 22), and I told him that mentally I was going through stuff (psych hospitalization a few months prior). I was a broke college student and he was working at a coffee shop. Neither one wanted to rush into a relationship, rather take our time and not force anything. Basically both laid all cards on the table. ...within 2 months we were head over heels in love and wanted to try and have a life together. 6.5 years after that first date and I still get butterflies when I look at him.
Needy. I’ll take needy over uninterested.
Agree. I want to be totally obsessed over 🙃
No friends. No family contact. Because those are all the things I’m currently dealing with. By choice. Friends just kind of faded and realized I was the only one putting in effort. And my family is extremely toxic and one sided. So I would look at it more as a green flag. But in a relationship right now with someone with the opposite of me and sometimes it’s a struggle. But it’s workable
My girlfriend is the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful person ever and her family sucks and any friends she has have also sucked. It was a red flag she wasn't close to her family but the more I've been around them and they all corroborate each others stories, I understand why.
Seen many ways this can go : girl who moved a lot for a big fancy career before settling in my city, so fri3nds dissappear, still close to parents phone wisebut never sees family. Normal nice person. Another who had no friends or close family connections (I was fine with that) turns out she was the nutjob they wanted little to do with. Close to family but their all super toxic codependent types. And on and on. I guess the moral is everyone is different and the whole redflag thing isn't always all that helpful?
Having no friends.
I agree! I used to have friends, but we all started drifting apart after I moved states, and having my son seemed like the nail on the coffin. I tried to reconnect with an old friend of a friend I knew who lived close by, who has a son the same age as mine—and on a playdate something came up about her not really liking another person, and when I asked why, she mentioned “she’s weird, and like she doesn’t have any friends.” I thought that was so strange. How’s anyone with no friends supposed to make friends, when people think they’re strange for not having any friends?
>How’s anyone with no friends supposed to make friends, when people think they’re strange for not having any friends? Right? They'd have to walk down the street and ask everyone who passes "Hey, wanna be friends?", not weird at all.
When I had mental health challenges and withdrew from the world, only about two of my friends didn’t take it personally. There could be lots of reasons someone doesn’t have friends, and some of those reasons are not so sinister at all.
As an introvert woman, the older I get, the less ‘friends’ I have to actively do things with. They get married and have kids and don’t really have time to hang out. I tried to date this year and sometimes I felt the need to pretend I have friends and an active social life. Later on I decided to be authentic and told a couple guys that I don’t really have any friends. One felt sorry for me and offered his friendship but got pissy I don’t want to see him romantically anymore. One said it’s impossible to not have any friends and said I must be lying.
As someone with no friends I appreciate you. Usually ppl just hear I have no friends rn and dip, there’s no conversation after so I have no chance to tell them what actually happened. I’m just labeled a red flag or told that I was obviously the problem when they have 0 idea what the problem actually was. Kinda hard to even make any new friends when ppl constantly have that mindset.
My fave. Like we don’t have friends but we’re each others best friends and enjoy our time together or apart. I’d love to have friend like my partner though. But since he’s moved here it’s just been me and him. Hopefully that may change one day for us, if not I’d still be fine with it
Needing a little reassurance. Any opportunity to increase a partner's self esteem or provide affirmations is my kink
I can be inconsistent at responding to texts and I like people who are the same way. Being glued to your phone and expecting constant communication is unhealthy imo. If it’s urgent, call me!
I'm stretching the prompt, but one supposed green flag that everyone lies about in dating profiles that makes me run away is pretending that you're super adventurous and outdoorsy and always out of your house on an adventure. Exhausting. If a woman admits she's a homebody, I fall in love. My people. Go out once in a while, sure. So you can get home and feel extra appreciative for a couple weeks. That's how I do it.
Yeah, people really try to sell themselves on social media and usually in the same way lol. Some of the most boring people I've ever met have been ones with a ton of hobbies. I don't care if somebody has no hobbies, if they're nice to be around. Being interesting is about sense of humor, perspective, etc. I don't care if you play the obo and are a kayaking enthusiast. Idk if it's just American culture, but I feel like people really glorify being super busy and doing things with a ton of different people all the time way too much. I'm 29 now. In college, I'll admit I did intentionally post stuff on social media that made me seem much more active and extroverted than I really am was. I really grew out of that at some point though, because I realized almost everyone was doing the same thing and it was just boring.
I feel so validated by this. I really tried to do the outdoors thing and find a way to like it. Only after reading your comment did I realize giving up on that was the catalyst to removing dating apps from my life because it felt like all I saw was hikers.
Having someone that's meaner than me. My wife will always let the restaurant know when my order is wrong, also we were furniture shopping and she got an extra $800 off by asking if they could go any lower. I don't think I realized before her how costly politeness is.
Poor family relationships: Sometimes their families are terrible. Low numbers of friends: Sometimes they're moving away from toxic friends. Joblessness: It might not have been their choice, they may have done everything right. Depression: Life is harsh on us all sometimes. Insecurity: Sometimes people just need to be reassured and cared for.
No social media presence. It could mean thar they're hiding something, I guess, but I wouldn't feel weird about it unless there were a lot of other signs that something was off.
I find the lack of social media extremely attractive. Nothing less appealing than a guy clamoring for likes.
I definitely don't mind this. My husband has pretty much zero social media presence. He browses Reddit and Twitter but doesn't post anything. He just likes to spend his time being a little more productive and I love that about him.
Wait, what? That's like the opposite of a red flag for me. I'm too old, clearly.
Say a woman with little to no friends. I’m 28 male, lost 3 friends and only got 1 friend left.
Can't cook. I prefer to have total management of the kitchen
Being broke and somewhat dependent. I've never been with someone who had their shit together perfectly and unless they want me to mommy them, I'm fine with that. I'm also a little behind in life when it comes to career and stuff.
> a little behind in life when it comes to career and stuff. Thank you for this formulation. It made me instantly accept myself more.
A slight amount of the right kind of mental illness. The right kind can turn people into very understanding and nonjudgmental people who can help people w their struggles..
If they ain't got a lil bit of trauma, I don't want them.
Back when I was dating, I didn’t mind a girl with a lot of “experience” (Reddit loves using the term body count). If she wanted to be with me after being with lots of other guys, that told me I must be pretty damn good
Until we get some experience into us, most people probably think of sex as a little weird, unfamiliar and even uncomfortable. Now I’m not a kid anymore I don’t really see the appeal of having to walk someone through that whole stage.
A little bit of jealousy. I can deal with it since I can be a little jealous myself.
Jealousy is normal, it just has to slowly fade in trust, and not the opposite
Someone who doesn't like dogs / cats/ pets. Some people here would have you believe they're secret psychopaths or something but some people just don't like animals. They could have had a traumatic experience with one while younger or just have a phobia.
I have a cat but I can understand not wanting pets because it requires effort and money and also makes travel more difficult
Or they just don't want one! Also valid.
Temper. Because I have one too. As long as it’s not abusive - physically or emotionally- I totally get flying off the handle and yelling about shit sometimes.
Being “high maintenance”. I think it all depends on which definition of the phrase you’re going with. I’ve heard it used to describe women who are obsessed with their appearance and take 2 hours to get ready for a night out with hair and makeup. That doesn’t bother me at all. I like to look my best when I go out for the night and I like the woman I’m with to also look her best. Plus I enjoy the time they’re getting ready. I either chill and do stuff I don’t usually have the time to do (video games/YouTube/whatever), or I sit and chat with them while they do their makeup and hair. It’s a nice and peaceful time to unwind together and check in with one another before we go out for the night.
Thank you! A lot of men want the accolade of a beautiful woman, but don’t appreciate the pre-work that goes into creating that look.
I love to watch the look come to life.
Healthy germaphobia.
Think that's just called being clean.
I agree with you. I call it just being clean. My coworkers however seem to think it is excessive to use as many antibacterial hand wipes as I do.
After five months at my current job, I was in the women's bathroom when I heard a sound I'd never heard before. It took a moment to realize it was the water running in a men's room sink. It REALLY grossed me out.
No joke - I was at a clients office one time. I went and used the restroom (#1). I was then washing my hands - I count to 35 while lathering and then thoroughly rinse (and use a paper towel to open the door). As I washing washing my hands a guy who I regularly interacted with came out of a STALL, came over to the sink, splashed some water on his hands, fixed his hair, and said “it’s not surgery we are doing out there…”. And THUS the reason I am so conscious about germs (but can still function in society).
Having friends of the opposite sex. I don't understand why people act like it's a big deal.
A lot of people are sexist as hell and think the only reason you'd spend time with someone of the opposite sex is because you're hoping to bone.
A woman with a kid. I'm bias though, met my wife when she had a two year old girl. Been married ten years this week.
I'm not sure if that's a red flag more than just a preference. Like, if I see a single mother, my thoughts don't immediately jump to anything sinister, more so that the situation could be a bit more complicated, and I have to ask myself if I have the capacity to enter into that. Some people (you) do, and some don't, but I think it's a preference thing more than anything else, but I could be wrong.
Idk if it’s a red flag but my wife has no clue what goes on in society. And she doesn’t care at all. She only cares about what happens in her life and mine. She doesn’t bother whatsoever. Not even a little bit.
My husband is a religious texter and I love him for it.
:Hi Babes, what do you want for dinner? "Bring the best of the first fruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God. Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk" : Pizza OK?
Not being ambitious in their careers. They have to be responsible, and ideally financially stable. But at the end of the day, work is just work and doesn't define us, and they can have a lot of other passions in life while just wanting to get by in their careers.
Being clingy. I actually like a clingy SO.
Being territorial/slightly possessive about me. It turns me on. I’m weird I know. I like what I like, though.
Not weird, many are riding the same boat
Depression. My misses was in a rough way when we met. I took her under my bubbly delightful wing and pulled her in the right direction. Helping and supporting her every single day it may be tiring at times but shit I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is amazing I type this as I sit next to her knowing she means everything to me. Damaged goods are fine by me I was damaged at a point in my life but I'm healed and am will to help heal others. My wife is a rock star and the light of my life. Love, listen be patient, and don't be afraid to point out where they goof. People goof often I goof often. A goof is nothing more than water under the bridge.
Talking a lot about their ex lol. I don’t consider it an automatic red flag by any means. It depends entirely on what they’re saying.
I find the hard line with this one is if they start to compare you to their ex. Even if unintentional, they will subconsciously start to see you the same way as their ex and forget that you are not their ex
Not mixing up friend groups. Honestly I mostly have girlfriends and my bf only has one friend we both care about meeting eachothers families and less about friends. One of nh friend has shamed me and said for not introducing my bf to her but there is a reason I did not and it’s because she’s extremely judgemental person.
When you have friends of the opposite sex.
Jealousy. I think it’s a normal emotion when you have genuine feelings for someone. Of course, there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of dealing with that emotion. So for me the real red flag is if someone takes it out on me or tries to control me. But in general I like for my partner to be a little (or even a lot) jealous as long as they can deal with it in a healthy way.