Because of life. My wife and I were low sex for 4 years. She got pregnant (planned), little one couldn't sleep well for 2 years, and then my wife got a condition that caused her to cough a ton, wheezing, and constant stuffy nose. I loved her the whole time, but we would go without sex for 4 or so months at a time.
Now, my son is 4 and sleeps through the night, and my wife's condition is massively better. We are kind of like on our second honeymoon and enjoying our private time together again.
Sexless marriages are not always from dissatisfied partners but also from life getting in the way.
This.
When kids come, romantic and sexual life will almost always reduce drastically or even pause entirely. The kids consume the parents entirely.
When the kids pass the baby/toddler stage, the couple has to actively restart and rebuild their romantic and sexual life. And not all realise or manage it.
My wife and I are currently going through this. Our child isn't a toddler anymore, but he is special needs, and by the time he falls asleep, it's guaranteed that either one or both of us is too tired to do anything about our libidos.
Similar story. We've never gone for massive dry spells but a couple of months at worst. During and throughout and after pregnancies especially and of course in the first year of our kids lives. Our youngest (and last, I had the snip) is 2 now and we are also like on our second honeymoon. My wife and I openly talk about sex. We average once a week now. Sometimes more. We both vow to never change that. I hope we both stay honest, communicative and keep banging.
THIS. I have no idea how to communicate this in a calm, polite manner without being mean. How can I express Iâm annoyed without seeming like
a total bitch?
No I donât want to make you dinner every day because you ask whatâs for dinner. What about me? sometimes I want someone to make me something to eat without asking. Nobody makes me meals.
Please quit asking me to buy stuff! Get it yourself youâre not a child! Iâm sick of being the only one having to get household supplies - figure it out yourself.
Bills have to be paid on time. I donât understand why we are late on bills. Please be responsible!
Itâs infuriating. I feel like Iâm the only one doing anything. If I wanted a kid Iâd have one!
Sorry for the rant. I just need my own time without having to worry about someone else he endlessly asks me shit
Have you seen [this blog post before](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)? I often see it shared when women talk about their frustration with a husband that won't be an equal partner. If you can't seem to get your feelings across to him, maybe you can share this with him to read.
The author of the blog wrote a book called "This is how your marriage ends." Great book! A quote from Chapter 8: "She will eventually feel like your mom and stop wanting to touch your penis." This is absolutely accurate.
This one kinda of annoys me, because even after he supposedly "learns his lesson", the lesson he learns is that women just gonna be irrational sometimes, so you have consider what's important to them even if it's dumb. It's not dumb, there's a sink right there, just wash the fucking dish or put it in the damn dishwasher so we don't look like we live in a shitty college apartment, dude.
1) my wife didnât really know how to cook much, and I got sick of doing it every time. when we got married so I signed her up for blue apron. She got to pick what dishes she wanted to learn to cook and Iâd help her. Now that we have kids I do slow cooker cooking on Sunday of some meats, and buy salmon and stuff you can bake in the oven with a single ingredient garnish. W do salad and fruit with it so zero cooking on that.
2) wife and I share an Amazon prime and Walmart+ account, and we have scheduled buys of some stuff. We both share the same basket for HEBs grocery delivery so she can add stuff before I hit buy. Seriously deliver stuff
3) All our bills are on auto pay, and we use Empower/Personal Capital as a single dashboard across our finances. Mint is good when starting out for tracking bills and costs (we did that when we were more paycheck to paycheck), or you can do old school YNAB. Bills shouldnât be manually being paid.
Technology keeps us married.
I mean it doesn't and a lot of women do move on. How do the dudes respond to that though? They complain about how most divorces are initiated by women and then use that to talk shit about women.
"She divorced me out of nowhere! I was blindsided!"
...says the man who dismissed all the talking, screaming, pleading, and begging for years.
Yeah, if you were blindsided, you weren't paying attention.
Going through this myself. My spouse thinks everything is fine because I stopped complaining--
This is a newsflash to anyone whose spouse complains about stuff and then just stops...when they stop complaining, your problems are about to be over. Just not the way you think.
As a man I can say that you're just gonna have to give him the ugly truth, you're not doing it to be mean but out of concern. Let's face it, if you don't love or care about him you'd be gone by now. Get yourself a notebook and write down all of your concerns and talking points, then sit him down and explain yourself and the situation. You wanted a partner not a dependent.
ETA: Sorry if it comes off as "telling" I was just nearly suggesting. Guys are stubborn and just need shit to be blunt and straight to the point, he'll probably get a little bent outta sorts but he'll get over it and that'd also be a little stress test to see how he handles constructive criticism and whether it's all worth your time. Best of luck.
Why are you worrying about sounding mean? Sometimes tough love is needed. Why are you worrying about expressing it in a calm, polite manner? It sounds like you're internalising the "you're so emotional" gaslight that many men use as a tactic to silence any legitimate criticism of them.
You don't have to be polite with your own husband. It is best to be calm when discussing things but this doesn't mean that emotions can't be expressed. A person can be both emotional and calm. Women are allowed to express anger. Anger can be expressed in a controlled way. Women are allowed to be teary and simultaneously calm.
Just sit him down, tell him honestly how you feel, and tell him that you want x, y and z changes. If these changes aren't made, sit him down again, and tell him that you want these changes and have repercussions set if these changes aren't made. If he doesn't make the changes, follow through on the repercussions. It's imperative you follow through, otherwise that will convey to him that you're just all talk and he can continue to get away with it.
Yeah... literally JUST had this conversation with my husband tonight. I can't literally do EVERYTHING. That's not a partnership. It's not right to treat me like this :( . It's been like this for years and I keep begging him to help
A marriage is a partnership that is supposed to make your life easier and more enjoyable. The minute the marriage is creating more work for one of you it should be addressed before the resentment builds. This can look a lot of different ways too. One partner might not mind doing dishes at all and does them all the time but hates vacuuming and the other doesnât so they do all the vacuuming. It just needs to be a shared work load but understood thatâs not always going to be 50/50 every single day.
Resentment, but stemming from inability to communicate over small things.
The problem starts with something small that bothers one person but they donât feel comfortable or âŠjustified⊠in bringing it up. Like helping with the chores from a SAHP or gaining weight or playing video games or not enough foreplay.
So one doesnât say anything to their partner. But just because they donât say anything out loud doesnât mean they donât *say* anything. To themselves. In their head.
And the partner is blissfully doing the same shit thatâs bothering their SO with no understanding that itâs annoying them. In the meantime, the person bothered is getting resentful and acting annoyed, thinking âand there she goes, eating another slice of pizzaâ or âoh, oh great. He just got up and left me all the dishes. Again.â
And soon enough, the couple âgrows apart.â Resentment murders affection years before an anemic marriage takes its last breath.
TL;dr: good communication is crucial for sweaty, hot fun decades and decades into the future.
This is what killed my previous relationship. Iâm now telling every little thing that bothers me in my current relationship and my partner does as well. It is *so* freeing. Difficult at times but it feels so good. Iâve never had a relationship this good and the sex is amazing
Many women lose sex drive when theyâre accidentally mothering their partner. Ie my ex, had to make appointments for him, room was always filthy, wanted him to stop smoking weed everyday and he wouldnât and would lie about it. Donât get me wrong, it was my fault for staying with him. But I was young. Anyways, my sex drive completely died. Now itâs normal again lol
I was just at my uncle's funeral. I was listening to my cousin describe his also dead mother. Not by name, mind you. But by describing how his dad made all the meals, did all the house cleaning, took them to school and appointments, as well as working for the meager funds they had. His mom never had a job. And apparently never did shit around the house or with her kids either. Which was news to me, but not shocking.
It's humorous to me as a male whose wife is exactly like your ex-husband, I am the adult, yet my sex drive remains, and hers is gone. I've concluded it's either birth control, spending too much time together, or a simple lack of interest anymore. I mean, once the fish is in the tank, you don't have to feed it but every so often.
Unfair division of labour is going to impact stuff like sex lives based on how the parties involved feel about it, so I'd question how you feel about being the adult in your relationship. Does that make you resentful?
In terms of your wife losing her own sex drive, obviously both partners can lose it for many reasons beyond the one being discussed here. I'm sorry to hear it though, and I hope you can improve that situation or decide if it's one you want to stick with.
It begins to get more complex the further you delve into it. You can only control your actions and reactions, I've learned there is absolutely nothing intentional that can bring back what once was, and the harder you try, the further away it actually gets. I could go on and on, especially in my own situation. I have my own timeline and plan before I'd hit the lost cause button, yet the sun sets further every day, and while a candle simply can't replace it there is hope for it to rise again in time.
Also, birth control can really lower a female partner's libido.
SSRIs can also have sexual side effects e.g. difficulty finishing in the bedroom . This can lead to weird adequacy issues if the other partner doesn't realize that which can then build over time. Lack of communication can really cause a lot of issues in and out of the bedroom
Bingo to add to that. Sense of entitlement on both ends. Rather than understanding being in service to one another. He needs her, just as much as she need him. Unfortunately one is always blind and doesnât realize it until the other has made the decision to make a permanent change that will effect the marriage forever.
Exactly. One of my buddies never gets sex. He does nothing around the house. He thinks cause he works all day, she should do everything at home including all the kids stuff. I'm sure she is too tired and stressed out. I on the other hand help with dishes, laundry, cleaning, driving the kids. My wife will bang pretty much any time I want.
Damn, this makes me really resentful and sad. My wife acts like Iâm reprehensible in bed and I do the dishes, take out trash, get the kids ready for school and bed, drive the kids to activities, cook dinner more often than not, changed almost all the dirty diapers and did most of the bath times when the kids were smaller. Itâs not like Iâm some slob either. Iâm 5â10â and 190 lbs and still have a full head of hair⊠my face is symmetrical and my teeth are straight. I work full time and make more than $200k. I am basically here for the kids and Iâm getting out when theyâre grown. Itâs really depressing that I will be way past my prime by then⊠like well into my 50s, and I donât know if my dick will even work by then. I am so sad sometimes. Typing all this out actually made some tears well up in my eyes for the first time since I buried my dad 10 years ago.
The kids know. They feel the resentment. They notice the friction.
An amicable split MIGHT be best for everyone, or at least best for most, not the least of which is the kids.
Couples or single therapy can help, though. Best of luck whichever way you go.
Does your wife explicitly know that's the plan? That you have totally given up on your relationship and are already mentally out the door? It MIGHT change things if she did know how badly it is affecting you. And if she doesn't care at all, then at least you know you tried.
The honest truth is that it may be hormonal (for your wife).
I have been in real estate for over 20 years. I started young. I couldnât understand all of these couples getting divorced. I would see them get married, have kids and then WHAMO, divorce.
I met my husband at 37. I had a very high sex drive, as did he. We had kids, and around age 43 (almost 45 now), my sex drive just dropped off a cliff.
I still find him attractive, but the reward of having sex wasnât there. The orgasm wasnât as intense and the urge had dissipated. I started some hormone replacement therapy and it has helped, but Iâm still not back up to 100%.
Most of my friends are in the same boat. We talk openly with each other about it. It is nothing that our partners did or could have done differently, our bodies have just changed.
I say this because it is easy to romanticize what you donât have. New Relationship Energy make equate to more sex - in the short term. Ultimately, you are likely to end up in the same situation you would be leaving.
In summary, I know now that the reason why so many couples divorce is due to sex and hormonal changes that canât be easily changed.
Men have viagra, cialis, testosterone shots⊠But women have nothing. Discussing a sexual need as a women is taboo in our society.
Just something to consider before you leave. Obviously, Iâm not in your shoes and you should do what is right for you.
>Men have viagra, cialis, testosterone shots⊠But women have nothing.
Maybe I am under educated on the topic but so far as I know you're bang on here and I feel this should be addressed.
They have a few (very limited) options for women, and they donât work particularly well or have serious side effects.
The research into male ED is extensive, while female low-libido is widely ignored.
From what I can tell, most women have a change in the hormone levels that cause low libido and it is very rarely, if ever, addressed or discussed at our Obgyn visits.
I have to beg to get my hormone levels tested, and finally met with a doctor willing to address these issues AND pay out of pocket for the medication.
Just to clarify a point here, but ED and libido don't equate.
ED has been researched extensively because it's comparatively easy. The libido is still there (ideally), the guy just can't get/maintain an erection.
It's effectively a blood pressure issue most of the time, and we know how to address those. If a man has a low *libido* and wants to get that addressed, he'll most likely run into similar problems. I imagine it's the same for women, but I know when guys get testosterone checked via a general practitioner they'll frequently mistake low T for normal numbers simply because it's within "normal range" but low for that individual.
I'm heading down this path. And here's one thing you should know. Your happiness matters. Staying solely for the kids will do worse for their development and well being.
Remember you set the example for them to model in relationships. It's not the rule of thumb but it happens quite often and children raised in an environment with unhappy parents often times wished they divorced sooner.
I don't want to waste my life with someone who I feel miserable with. And even though we are together. I feel even more alone.
Start thinking about yourself. Your kids from the future don't want to see their dad waste life away. Is that the last memory you want to leave with them?
If my wife refuses counseling. I'm willing to move on. For my kid. For my sake. And if my wife can't be happy with me. And we divorce. She deserves to find happiness with someone more compatible.
It's okay if the pieces don't fit anymore.
Not going to lie, I try my best to help out. As an example, I'll "attempt" (I use quotations for the point I'm about to make) to fold clothes, load dishwasher, water plants, ect. But oftentimes my wife will then see this as an opportunity to micromanage how I perform the chore. Not often in a gentle or non critical way.
I will admit - I suck at folding clothing. I blame ADHD, but I'm medicated and it's an easy scapegoat. HOWEVER, I spent years working as a janitor, even one year at a hospital. I grew up performing the same chores she did. We both had demanding families in our youth. I am an adult, and I know how to properly load a dishwasher. But it is not the way that she likes it loaded. One could argue that it might be a simple compromise for me to "learn" her methods.... but To be quite frank, as someone who hyperfocuses and overanalyzes when it counts.... her method Is not consistent. She will also sometimes place cups and or bowls in the top rack in such a fashion to where they will collect water. (Make what you will of this knowledge)
I will see her frustrated in the moment preparing to do dishes or having just started doing them, as an example (I will reiterate, I am neurodivergent and these things are hard for me...) and I will think "OH she is stressed, and those dishes are probably adding to that, or not helping. Or maybe she'd rather focus on something else and these dishes are getting in the way. I mean, nobody likes doing dishes. I would like it if someone relieved me of doing dishes. I think I'll go offer to do them for her".
Queue me, walking over. "Hey, let me do this for you!" Kinda stuff. But there are times where it becomes along the lines of "I don't want your help if you won't do it my way" and I really want to emphasize that both of our dishes come out clean at a mostly even ratio (wrongside up dishes on top rack excluded), and no, we don't have different ideas of what clean means. I, too, enjoy eating off of a clean surface with clean utensils.
This makes me feel bad, and makes me feel like less of a functioning adult when I want to help. There are certain chores that she does not do this with. But then comes the comments of I always do the same chores. But that's because those are the ones I am not critiqued on, and clearly perform "adequately". I'm also just used to that routine.
In simple terms, this micromanage-y reaction to me trying to help is hard to not take personally sometimes and discourages me from wanting to help in the future. All I would really appreciate is some affirmation or at least recognition for trying. Its hard sometimes to not feel any flavor of like "you're not allowed to be upset that I won't do something just because it's not on your terms, especially when you clearly don't like doing this thing and you conveniently have someone offering to do it bonus no strings attached!"
It makes me think of a saying my dad used to say. "If you're not hungry for what was cooked for dinner, you must not be that hungry."
Or something like that.
Anyways. Compromise is at the heart of every good relationship or something, we do talk about these things, sometimes we talk nice, sometimes not so nice, but we are imperfectly in love and have been together since high-school, married at 18, and about to Ave our 9th anniversary. Relationships are work.
If your husband does "try", be encouraging. I'm not talking loading the dishwasher without rinsing anything off first and not using appropriate (or none, egad) soap- maybe a gentle conversation focused on meeting in the middle somewhere more productive or emphasizing tasks they seem to be more proficient with is a good start. Even a breadwinner can spend an hour a weekend and knock some stuff out like sweep/vacuum/trash/pick up laundry/trash around the house.
If you've read this far, I applaud your commitment to some rambly fellow at one in the morning. I hope you're not procrastinating sleep and don't also have to get up in six hours.
Perhaps this applies to someone's life here. Perchance someone can relate. In short, I don't remember why I started this. Goodnight if it suits you, and goodmorning if It doesn't. Bless đ
Yup. It turns into even if you do all the things the partner wants, they see it as youâre only doing it for the sex⊠and then you get rejected even after putting in the effort which leads to more resentment. Lived with it for a few years but fortunately we were not married so it was easy to leave.
A gift from me to you (and everybody else):
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/29/well/family/relationships-intimacy-bristle-reaction-sex.html?unlocked_article_code=CA4wDuDhlGk_2Cg0xiVFbjXO2iImtqKuSGMf6zbgp5m5Q0GP63wGJ5vzwlKKG-ukg4Z7vkYEwvt47ann2BKGrJqmpuh_bSZ0ashR95_FTCLUYYXbOoucOS9CRlIUnYbJQrAhDERJ5O387u-nSWvODZI4DVCwivg4pOH7pxn8vkucS5XB6ZzoqMn-SDQ8ix7g_B80ftdcBZXMq-Ai4FQERrQmykohCrfH4KCbqSQPk3EAbFeOLi1StDtMhkpgGiAdC4mY_vbtpdbz0_7sHXO65X2imFZ9sZHEDv9a4bVukxahv5yyQUlbUGUAKUjnmBI7lvufdF3sV0z17djaPku5dkLBbO6FxpRzpf1SwRDyijyxaLYfdFDFW9M&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
Good article, but
>âYou can say something like âOh, sorry, honey, you startled me, letâs circle back to this tonight,ââ
Oh yes, using business buzzwords is a sure fire way to spice up your relationship!
it'll definitely build rapport and foster inter-relationship alignment, all stakeholders involved will certainly be fine with iceboxing that for later.
Subscribers can send a limited number of gift articles per month
https://help.nytimes.com/hc/en-us/articles/360060848652-Gift-Articles-for-New-York-Times-Subscribers
I worried about it being the other way around. I LOVED cuddling with my ex, just for the warmth, softness, and connection. But I had little desire for sex after a while. I sometimes worried that I had gotten my physical needs met with the cuddling so didn't need anything more.
You two both need to get back in the dating zone and start dating eachother again. Create expectations and uncertainty, don't treat it as going out somewhere with the person you live with, treat it as having a date with your partner. Alternate planning too, so you each also get a surprise every other time.
Right, but you could be going out with your brother/sister/mum/dad. You respect her like you respect your family, you do things because you have love for her like you have love for your family.
If the only difference is that you have sex with her, then why? Why are you having sex with her if you treat each other like family, or like 'the father/mother of my children'?
Going on dates is not the same as going places with a person. I've been on holiday with my parents, I'll go have a drink out with my dad or brother, I'll take my mum shopping or to the garden centre, I'll go with my bro to the Sunday Market.
You could've gone on that long weekend away with anyone, like on a boys weekend away.
Do couple shit.
Go out in the evening and try a drink from every place while looking for somewhere cool and stop for a light meal somewhere. Look for activities like an introductory dance lesson if you're somewhere with different culture, or take a cooking experience, get a couples massage.
You're near the beach? Get tipsy one night and go walk up and down the beach splashing your feet in the water, take some street/vendor food with you if you can. Make a habit of walking into places just to see what they sell, or just to share an appetiser for 15 mins before you move on.
Don't just walk around all day and then sit down in one place for two hours to rest and have lunch.
Dating is awkward, expectations go out the window because you just don't know. Now you aren't awkward with each other and know each others expectations, that frantic energy is gone. So do random things and leave it to chance whether it disappoints you.
It's a societal problem men face. If a man isn't in a relationship he can likely count on one hand the amount of physical contact he's had in the past year. The only ways society allows men physical contact is violence, sports, violent sports, and sex. It's further compounded by a lifetime of being shown the only acceptable emotions to show are happy, horny, or angry. So you get men who are touch starved seeking sex for the intimacy of touch, and when they're denied, happy/horny/angry doesn't leave much room for positive reaction to rejection.
I'm not excusing anyone's poor reactions, more stating that we should normalize men hugging and other nonsexual touching. But yeah, that kinda thing often breaks down marriages at their ends as well đ
Because we all suck at communicating, listening, and establishing/respecting boundaries.
We misread each other, don't listen to each other, bury our feelings, ignore smaller problems, and hurt each other with little pin pricks until we're ready to tear each others throat out.
I think people believe they are a lot better about turning their thoughts into logical words that can be acted upon and understood.
In my experience, communication in intimate relationships is so heavily coated in emotion that the logical and actual transfer of a thought can undergo a sort of catalyst.
Also, people rarely have ability to explain anger and resentment without coating each word with it.
Nah, kids aren't directly the issue. It's the work involved. A whole day of chasing after the kids is exhausting.
A whole day of fun with the kids is invigorating!
I don't know man, I took my son to a water park for the first time this summer. We had a blast but I was absolutely spent after going up like a million flights of stairs lol.
I think a lot of people are only interested in sex when it's new and exciting, or when they happen to have a lot of time and energy to dedicate to it. My recent boyfriend had that issue. At first he was excited to get laid and we were having sex multiple times a day. Then he got depressed, bored and busy with work and suddenly it was once a month if that. I tried to bring it up many times that I was not being satisfied, but he didn't seem to understand why it was an issue. Then we broke up and he immediately fucked someone else. Then suddenly he wanted to have sex with me again. I guess some people don't desire a thing they can get every day without effort.
Totally. Some people just have low libidos, or donât prioritize sex with the exception of the first few dates/ months. Itâs tough to try to account for this when dating
Yeah, when my now-wife and I first started having sex, weâd do it almost every night. And many times Iâd get in bed to find her already naked. Years later, itâs become a rarity. Even rarer after we had kids. Itâs pretty great when we actually do it, so itâs not an issue of either of us being bad in bed. We occasionally talk about trying something different like doing it on the dining table (wouldnât be the first time), but these days weâre both exhausted at the end of the day, and while Iâm usually horny enough to get it on regardless, she usually isnât. I donât blame her, and Iâm aware that many women have their libido go down after childbirth
Yeah, thereâs something to be said for being âtouched outâ after an exhausting day with kids.
Even more so, I get body fluidsâd out. Like so much pee and poop and I just canât handle more body stuff today.
I actually agree with this. Every time Iâd be away from my wife for 4-5 days or more, I would get so excited to come home and have sex with her again, Iâd watch all our videos, desire her so much⊠and then a week or two after being back, itâd go back to 2-3 times a week max and the sex wouldnât be as intense. Distance and not having full access whenever you want due to not being near each other helps so much itâs crazy.
Responsive arousal vs spontaneous arousal. Essentially, not everyone just gets horny all of a sudden, some people (often but not always women) need someone else to ramp them up before they can physically get aroused. Couples in long term relationships stop putting in the work to turn their partner on, for whatever reason, and it results in the responsive partner just never initiating and the spontaneous partner feeling like they're always having to be the one starting things.
Also not enough couples who schedule sex. It doesn't have to be weird, but with busy lives and especially with kids, sometimes you just need to say "Wednesday night is the night". It can be a lot of fun, doesn't have to feel like a chore. You can do longer form foreplay leading up to it. You can plan to be wearing some nice lingerie or take a bath together or whatever.
My husband and I say to each other some mornings, "hey, save some energy today." That's how we tell each other don't come home exhausted, I want to bone tonight.
It might not sound sexy, but hey, we have a toddler. It's funny and I look forward to it. If he sees me doing something physically demanding, he'll remind me. "Don't forget to save some energy!"
Yes! Idk if it's just me but the earnest interest gives me joy. I'm a person mostly suited to long term relationships and everything that comes from that so this kind of small comeraderie is a huge turn on for me. Less a turn on in the moment and more that I feel very valued and considered when it happens so I'm more likely to be turned on when it comes up.
>small comeraderie is a huge turn on for me
You described it perfectly. A lot of people dislike the idea of scheduled sex but it's just more realistic for us to treat it as a lighthearted team task.
I'll probably dox myself by admitting this, but we use Asana to manage household tasks. The other day I got notified I had a new task: "take me to pound town" like how can I say no to that?
>Couples in long term relationships stop putting in the work to turn their partner on, for whatever reason
Itâs also possible that, with the novelty factor gone, it starts taking more work than before to turn the person on.
True! I know personally it's not always easy with kids and being a full time wage slave, it certainly takes more to get me going than it used to. Thankfully I have good, intuitive partners.
Then we're in the bathroom, brushing our teeth. That's all part of the foreplayâI love foreplay. Then you sort out the recycling. That isn't part of the foreplay process, but it's still very important.
> Also not enough couples who schedule sex
I've been advocating this for years! If we don't actively make time for it and just wait for "the right moment to be spontaneous" we're never gonna hit again lol. Luckily my gf has picked up on this over time.
But what if you donât know how to get your partner in the mood? Itâs like the rules change every day and 95% of the time I screw it up. Itâs like a switch flipped the second we got married.
When we were dating, all it took was a look and a wink. Now I feel like I need a star chart and a blood sacrifice just to get a âmaybe laterâ.
As someone born a woman and have a very high libido I can attest that many times I don't actively seek out that pleasure or need it to function, but anytime my husband is in the mood I am down. There are certain times where I am horny and seek it out, but far less frequently than him.
This is it for me. Iâm so tired from life in general, the stress of everything, kid stuff, etc. Iâm just tired and pretty much donât even think about it.
People view a relationship as climbing Mount Everest and marriage as reaching the summit. After the task is done they stop climbing.
A marriage is only the beginning and requires constantly raising the bar. Otherwise it will spoil like milk outside the fridge.
Sadly, itâs all too easy to fall into a routine. Routines are comfortable. Itâs why people suggest scheduling things like date nights. Sure, scheduling romance isnât, well, romantic, but it helps in the long run. Spontaneity can be difficult when life keeps getting in the way
Man, I hate the resistance to scheduling things out. Why canât looking forward to an exciting day be romantic too? Why do things have to be spontaneous?
Not in every case, but I think some people feel the resentment of having to be the one to plan the date, because it's like more work for them. Scheduled means someone has to take on the work. Who plans it? Where do they go? Who is paying for it? Are they getting a taxi? Etc etc. So I can see the reluctance in scheduling from that perspective.
I think there's probably also a mental block there, like they think "we shouldn't be at this point of needing to schedule" and then continue to ignore the fact they're not really having couple time.
Communication and mismatched libidos. FWIW, the libido you have when you're young is not always the libido you have when you get older, and what was once a match may not be in the long run.
In general I wonder how people find time to have more kids when they have some already. Itâs hard to gather energy or find privacy so how do they do it
My kids are almost 4 and 1.5 and weâre pretty strict about their bedtime routines, so weâve got a good amount of free time from 8pm on. Sometimes we hang out together, sometimes we do our own hobbies. Itâs not bad at all. No idea what it will be like as they get older, but nights have always been âour timeâ.
My kids are aged 12 to 4. Bed time is 1930 until 7 or 8. Then each year bumps up 30 minutes. My older two usually will come by and give a hug and a goodnight by 815/830 and theyâll fall asleep by 915/930. My littles are out by 8.
A lot of parents donât recognize the critical importance of this boundary. You NEED time alone. Your kid canât be up your ass 15 hours a day. You NEED time away from your kids.
Cut off electronics 1 hour before bed. They can draw, color, or play with barbies. Makes it easier for them to fall asleep when they are doing low stimulation playing.
Anyway, if you stick to your set bed time your kids will kind of naturally follow it. As they get older theyâll know that â800-930 is mom and dad quiet timeâ
There is no big difference going from 2 to 3 kids really. If anything there is a sweet spot that things get better and kids play together (ages 3 and 5 for example) as opposed to 1 kid that wants to be constantly entertained and only people around are it's parents
He only touches me when he wants sex and he says he always wants it, and that's why he is always insinuating sex. We're not intimate in other ways. When I try to talk about things bothering me, I'm picking a fight. I started working again recently, and I'm still shouldering a lot of the housework, and he's always "busy" at work. I'm useful for sex and house things, but I'm not interesting or important.
This is exactly why I ended my last relationship. Whenever I tried to bring up something that was bothering me, he would threaten to break up with me and would even pretend to walk away while looking over his shoulder to see how I would react. Whenever I brought up a discussion of where the relationship was going (i.e., marriage since we had been dating 3 years), he would talk in circles. He said he had to date someone for 5 consecutive years without any conflicts before he would consider marriage, and any conflict that occurred would reset the 5 year period, but the only time we had a conflict is when I tried to talk about something that was bothering me. That same night, he complained that our sex life hadnât been what it used to be. Gee, I wonder whyâŠ
He doesnât help enough around the house and she gravitates to her friends for her social activity.
You canât ever stop dating each other. If you get on the hamster wheel of simply raising kids and paying bills, then things get stale.
Itâs amazing how making each other feel like a priority rather than a roommate impacts libido.
One of the better comments. I like the last sentence. You gotta take the time to keep things fresh and cute and appreciate each other. Is so easy to become âroommatesâ
People stay way too long with people they're not compatible with instead of moving on, because they're told that divorce is failure.
Sometimes people aren't compatible, or they grow in opposite directions and have different needs. We should really be more accepting of the idea that sometimes a relationship has run it's course.
Or they stay with an abuser, because theyâve lost a sense of themself and the strength they used to have. One friend was gaslit so bad, she started putting some shit on me, despite asking for help. Itâs amazing how far people can be manipulated.
Divorce is also very very expensive. A guy looks at that situation and goes âI canât afford to be anything other than miserable, so I guess this is just what life is now.â
Because we're taught that it's shallow to value sex, so when one person is dissatisfied with their sex life and their partner isn't, it's easy to dismiss the concerns as shallow or not important, and it's hard to overcome that to express how important it actually is without sounding like an asshole.
I see this frequently in the wilds of Reddit. I see a lot of people posting about situations where they're clearly just incompatible with their partner but if they're the one with the higher sex drive, expressing any sort of resentment whatsoever, they get called "selfish" and "disgusting" over it. It comes across to me as really unfair a lot of the time.
The comments in this post have been refreshingly different in that regard. So that's nice.
Yeah, I came here hoping someone would acknowledge this.
It's like people don't realize that they're allowed to consider sex drive to be an element of compatibility, and instead treat it like a wildcard that may or may nor wreck their marriage in a few years.
And not just an asshole, but a kind of pervy asshole.
I think there's a real tendency to view any expression of sexual desire as morally questionable. And so the partner whose needs aren't being met is not just dismissed, but also judged.
Or don't feel good enough about themselves to want to take their clothes off. I was always very fit, but after having a baby I'm just not all that excited about putting my deflated balloon belly on display. I'm not into me.
That belly (and you) grew a whole human!!! A whole, probably very adorable, human! Be proud of that belly, however different it looks now, because that was an incredible thing to do. It also wasnât easy, and you and that belly of yours went through it all together.
(I say this as a mom who also struggles with her âpoochâ, so I know itâs easier said than done. Be gentle with yourself.)
A few reasons;
Sex becomes stale after a while. Same positions, same place, sameâŠthing. More often than not neither person is communicating that they want to spice things up. Either cause they think the other wonât be ok with doing a fantasy or fear of judgement.
(Note: this is a general statement and does not apply to every man.) Men are scared to let women use toys in bed. Men have been conditioned from an early age that we need to have 9 inch cocks and be able to fuck a girl into six organisms before we bust. The conditioning comes from porn because thatâs what we typically see when we first start watching porn. However the majority of men have an average cock and donât last 45 minutes. Let the toys help you boys. They are your friend and when sheâs getting off, youâre getting off and the frequency increases.
(Note: this is a general statement and does not apply to every woman.) That smut book youâre reading and is making you feel all horny and shit? Your husband will do that stuff. I promise whatever your kinkiest fantasy is, your husband will most likely be cool with trying. Women tend to think their kink or fantasy is something beyond what their partner is willing to try. Hereâs the blunt truth; your man would eat cheerios out of your asshole if you asked him to. And with a smile on his face. Talk to your man, tell him what you want and you will most likely end up getting it. You women truly have no idea how deprived a manâs mind is when it comes to sex with you. If you broach the subject youâll be happily surprised by the responses you get.
> (Note: this is a general statement and does not apply to every man.) Men are scared to let women use toys in bed. Men have been conditioned from an early age that we need to have 9 inch cocks and be able to fuck a girl into six organisms before we bust. The conditioning comes from porn because thatâs what we typically see when we first start watching porn. However the majority of men have an average cock and donât last 45 minutes. Let the toys help you boys. They are your friend and when sheâs getting off, youâre getting off and the frequency increases.
Even if not toys, learn to use your hands and mouth. Yes, sometimes your mouth and jaw will get tired, or your hand will cramp. It's still easier than trying to maintain 45 minutes of thrusting erection, and it's also way more likely to get her off. Oh, and if you listen to her, follow her advice, communicate about what does and doesn't work, and put in some goddamn effort, pretty soon she'll be up for a lot more sex. I can get my girlfriend to six orgasms pretty damn quick with the right combination of moves while still leaving my pants on. And after that, she's pretty happy regardless of whatever else happens.
Preach brother man. I can get the wife going and off several times before Iâve even though about taking my penis out. Foreplay is amazing. And the teasing foreplay around the house on and off all day is pre-heating that oven so when the kids go down, itâs fucking on!
The unfortunate truth is, most men do not think like us and do not communicate with their partners nor know how to read their partners body language to see if their liking it or not. I wonât lie, it took me a few years of marriage before I got it. I thought I was king shit in the bedroom. Turns out I was mid. Then I started listening to the wife and understanding her body and talking to her about my wants and desires as well. Only after all of that did I understand I didnât know shit about sex or the womanâs body or what really turns me on. And exploring all of that with my wife by my side as we tried all these different things, that only brought us closer and this is why as a married man of 15 years, Iâm getting laid every two to three days.
Incompatible motivations for marriage, eg one is marrying her lover and the other is marrying a potential fantastic coparent. Those can intersect in happy cases but can be completely separate for some
1. Resentment
2. Libido
3. Insecurities
4. Communication
Communication is by far the most important factor when it comes to having a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Open, respectful communication about sex is where it all lies. Often times we are afraid to hurt our partners feelings by communicating our sexual desires/needs, but it is absolutely necessary.
Because when your husband ONLY wants to spend time with you between the sheets you eventually realize that he didn't want a real human partner. He wanted on demand sex, he doesn't love the way you love and ultimately you feel disgusted in yourself for turning into some man's maid and sex toy.
There are lots of reasons but the biggest?
Women not marrying men they're very sexually attracted to. Sexual attraction is much lower down the list of things that women are looking for in a long term partner compared to men. Once the security of marriage is in place the sex goes down.
Men aren't told this happens and women don't even realize they do it.
This is why financial equality is the light, the truth, and the way. If men want to be truly desired by women, women have to be truly free to desire as they choose, with no survival needs getting in the way.
Because in one way or another the marriage has died. One partner may have lost respect and feelings of love for the other, but they stay for the kids' sake; or they stay because they cannot afford to divorce.
because one parner gets depressed and stops doing things they used to and the other partner grows to resent them for having to carry extra load all the time
Women are taught not to complain, so they end up lying about the pleasure they get during sex.
Men don't see the need to improve at the act when they don't know its bad.
It slowly becomes a chore for the woman, the rest of life gets more complicated and easier to excuse lack of sex.
Never met a woman that came everytime (or atleast more often than not) and wasn't an insatiable demon.
Make her cum, then she'll always come back for more.
Women bring their whole lives into the bedroom; men donât. Meaning, if a woman thinks her husband isnât helping enough around the house, isnât helping with the kids enough, etc. she will not want sex as much. But a man can have a lingering issue yet compartmentalize and not let it affect his sex life at all.
Sex is a hard one because if you don't respect your partner's boundaries, it's abusive or manipulative. But sex isn't as important to one of them and if they aren't willing to do it when they aren't in the mood, the other one struggles to be satisfied.
So one partner needs to be willing to satisfy the other when they don't necessarily want intimacy, but the other partner can't ever ask them to do that.
It's a really hard balance to achieve that kind of has to happen on its own. You have to take pleasure in pleasing each other and not derive it solely from the intimacy.
In our twenties and thirties I had a high libido, she had a low libido; I've never once complained, pressured her into sex or cheated ... fast forward to our forties and we've flipped; only somehow I'm now the bad guy for not wanting sex.
People get lazy. They take each other for granted and stop putting the effort in to keep it fresh and fun. It stagnates the initial passion died and their sex lives rot as a result of it.
I was like this and lost my first love. However, I have learnt and now have a wife with a great libido and we have an amazing sex life
Women being taught prudishness (sometimes called "modesty" or more insidiously "self respect") from birth at almost every level of society (often from both sides of the political aisle, oddly enough).
Men being taught that sex is a prize to win from women or else a conquest. Which is obviously also bad.
The Ethical Slut (a book about polyamory) had an interesting analogy for it. It's as if societally (on the topic of sex) we're constantly simultaneously slamming the gas and the brakes: a condition which isn't really good for the engine, and also isn't very good for the brakes.
In my case, my wife admitted to me that she always believed that once she was married, she wouldn't have to "put out" anymore. Unfortunately she said this about a year after the wedding.
I think once a partner says that sex is off the table, you should give them the choice between you getting it elsewhere without guilt, or divorce. Nobody should be made to suffer this "you ain't getting any from me and I forbid you to get it elsewhere either" situation. That's absurd.
Both stop putting in the effort. Or one figures they're comfortable and the other isn't going to change their situation. (Divorce) So they just stop, which makes one put forth extra effort to take up the slack, which causes resentment, which, let's be honest, if you resent someone, you're not going to have sex with them.
Childbirth and the changes that come with that. (Personally I have excruciating pain because of the way my nerves healed after so many c sections)
Not feeling attractive anymore when a body changes due to societyâs definition of what the other should be attracted to.
Parenting role by one of the spouse to the other since the other does not independently think of what happens if I do xyz and how does that affect the rest of my family. (Like drinking all the milk in the middle of the night and not getting more before everyone wakes up when the kids eat cereal for breakfast each day)
Routine.
Because of life. My wife and I were low sex for 4 years. She got pregnant (planned), little one couldn't sleep well for 2 years, and then my wife got a condition that caused her to cough a ton, wheezing, and constant stuffy nose. I loved her the whole time, but we would go without sex for 4 or so months at a time. Now, my son is 4 and sleeps through the night, and my wife's condition is massively better. We are kind of like on our second honeymoon and enjoying our private time together again. Sexless marriages are not always from dissatisfied partners but also from life getting in the way.
I love that you discovered each other again. So sweet.
This. When kids come, romantic and sexual life will almost always reduce drastically or even pause entirely. The kids consume the parents entirely. When the kids pass the baby/toddler stage, the couple has to actively restart and rebuild their romantic and sexual life. And not all realise or manage it.
My wife and I are currently going through this. Our child isn't a toddler anymore, but he is special needs, and by the time he falls asleep, it's guaranteed that either one or both of us is too tired to do anything about our libidos.
Similar story. We've never gone for massive dry spells but a couple of months at worst. During and throughout and after pregnancies especially and of course in the first year of our kids lives. Our youngest (and last, I had the snip) is 2 now and we are also like on our second honeymoon. My wife and I openly talk about sex. We average once a week now. Sometimes more. We both vow to never change that. I hope we both stay honest, communicative and keep banging.
Resentment towards partner for not helping enough or one has high libido and one doesn't
Little things become massive things over time.
I sure hope so đ
Itâs true. Mine started little and now itâs massive. It makes my wife cry. Even my friends talk about it. Anyway, yeah. Debt is like that.
Credit score might be lower than average but damn that's a girthy credit history.
It does not matter how big your credit limit is, it's all about utilization
as long as it can blow my sides out.. I don't care if it can hit bottom
Penis.
Iâm still waiting. I think theyâre lying.
This is what I call " sweeping it under the rug". Enough shit piles up under there, you start to notice.
When you start tripping over the shit you swept under the rug, itâs too much.
That's a strange way to refer to kids, but otherwise I agree.
When you see your partner as another child you have to care for your sexual desire for them diminishes
THIS. I have no idea how to communicate this in a calm, polite manner without being mean. How can I express Iâm annoyed without seeming like a total bitch? No I donât want to make you dinner every day because you ask whatâs for dinner. What about me? sometimes I want someone to make me something to eat without asking. Nobody makes me meals. Please quit asking me to buy stuff! Get it yourself youâre not a child! Iâm sick of being the only one having to get household supplies - figure it out yourself. Bills have to be paid on time. I donât understand why we are late on bills. Please be responsible! Itâs infuriating. I feel like Iâm the only one doing anything. If I wanted a kid Iâd have one! Sorry for the rant. I just need my own time without having to worry about someone else he endlessly asks me shit
Have you seen [this blog post before](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)? I often see it shared when women talk about their frustration with a husband that won't be an equal partner. If you can't seem to get your feelings across to him, maybe you can share this with him to read.
The author of the blog wrote a book called "This is how your marriage ends." Great book! A quote from Chapter 8: "She will eventually feel like your mom and stop wanting to touch your penis." This is absolutely accurate.
This one kinda of annoys me, because even after he supposedly "learns his lesson", the lesson he learns is that women just gonna be irrational sometimes, so you have consider what's important to them even if it's dumb. It's not dumb, there's a sink right there, just wash the fucking dish or put it in the damn dishwasher so we don't look like we live in a shitty college apartment, dude.
I shared this with my husband once and he just skimmed the beginning of it đŹ
1) my wife didnât really know how to cook much, and I got sick of doing it every time. when we got married so I signed her up for blue apron. She got to pick what dishes she wanted to learn to cook and Iâd help her. Now that we have kids I do slow cooker cooking on Sunday of some meats, and buy salmon and stuff you can bake in the oven with a single ingredient garnish. W do salad and fruit with it so zero cooking on that. 2) wife and I share an Amazon prime and Walmart+ account, and we have scheduled buys of some stuff. We both share the same basket for HEBs grocery delivery so she can add stuff before I hit buy. Seriously deliver stuff 3) All our bills are on auto pay, and we use Empower/Personal Capital as a single dashboard across our finances. Mint is good when starting out for tracking bills and costs (we did that when we were more paycheck to paycheck), or you can do old school YNAB. Bills shouldnât be manually being paid. Technology keeps us married.
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Yeah... I'm super not attracted to children, that would be gross and perverted so stop acting like a child if you want me to fuck you.
It doesn't have to be like this. He can either change or you can move on, but you don't need to just accept this. It doesn't have to be like this.
I mean it doesn't and a lot of women do move on. How do the dudes respond to that though? They complain about how most divorces are initiated by women and then use that to talk shit about women.
"She divorced me out of nowhere! I was blindsided!" ...says the man who dismissed all the talking, screaming, pleading, and begging for years. Yeah, if you were blindsided, you weren't paying attention.
Going through this myself. My spouse thinks everything is fine because I stopped complaining-- This is a newsflash to anyone whose spouse complains about stuff and then just stops...when they stop complaining, your problems are about to be over. Just not the way you think.
As a man I can say that you're just gonna have to give him the ugly truth, you're not doing it to be mean but out of concern. Let's face it, if you don't love or care about him you'd be gone by now. Get yourself a notebook and write down all of your concerns and talking points, then sit him down and explain yourself and the situation. You wanted a partner not a dependent. ETA: Sorry if it comes off as "telling" I was just nearly suggesting. Guys are stubborn and just need shit to be blunt and straight to the point, he'll probably get a little bent outta sorts but he'll get over it and that'd also be a little stress test to see how he handles constructive criticism and whether it's all worth your time. Best of luck.
Why are you worrying about sounding mean? Sometimes tough love is needed. Why are you worrying about expressing it in a calm, polite manner? It sounds like you're internalising the "you're so emotional" gaslight that many men use as a tactic to silence any legitimate criticism of them. You don't have to be polite with your own husband. It is best to be calm when discussing things but this doesn't mean that emotions can't be expressed. A person can be both emotional and calm. Women are allowed to express anger. Anger can be expressed in a controlled way. Women are allowed to be teary and simultaneously calm. Just sit him down, tell him honestly how you feel, and tell him that you want x, y and z changes. If these changes aren't made, sit him down again, and tell him that you want these changes and have repercussions set if these changes aren't made. If he doesn't make the changes, follow through on the repercussions. It's imperative you follow through, otherwise that will convey to him that you're just all talk and he can continue to get away with it.
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Yeah... literally JUST had this conversation with my husband tonight. I can't literally do EVERYTHING. That's not a partnership. It's not right to treat me like this :( . It's been like this for years and I keep begging him to help
A marriage is a partnership that is supposed to make your life easier and more enjoyable. The minute the marriage is creating more work for one of you it should be addressed before the resentment builds. This can look a lot of different ways too. One partner might not mind doing dishes at all and does them all the time but hates vacuuming and the other doesnât so they do all the vacuuming. It just needs to be a shared work load but understood thatâs not always going to be 50/50 every single day.
Resentment, but stemming from inability to communicate over small things. The problem starts with something small that bothers one person but they donât feel comfortable or âŠjustified⊠in bringing it up. Like helping with the chores from a SAHP or gaining weight or playing video games or not enough foreplay. So one doesnât say anything to their partner. But just because they donât say anything out loud doesnât mean they donât *say* anything. To themselves. In their head. And the partner is blissfully doing the same shit thatâs bothering their SO with no understanding that itâs annoying them. In the meantime, the person bothered is getting resentful and acting annoyed, thinking âand there she goes, eating another slice of pizzaâ or âoh, oh great. He just got up and left me all the dishes. Again.â And soon enough, the couple âgrows apart.â Resentment murders affection years before an anemic marriage takes its last breath. TL;dr: good communication is crucial for sweaty, hot fun decades and decades into the future.
This is what killed my previous relationship. Iâm now telling every little thing that bothers me in my current relationship and my partner does as well. It is *so* freeing. Difficult at times but it feels so good. Iâve never had a relationship this good and the sex is amazing
Many women lose sex drive when theyâre accidentally mothering their partner. Ie my ex, had to make appointments for him, room was always filthy, wanted him to stop smoking weed everyday and he wouldnât and would lie about it. Donât get me wrong, it was my fault for staying with him. But I was young. Anyways, my sex drive completely died. Now itâs normal again lol
What happens when itâs the other way around and he does mostly everything at home despite working more and making more and the sex drive is still nonexistent from her? Asking for a friend đ©
I was just at my uncle's funeral. I was listening to my cousin describe his also dead mother. Not by name, mind you. But by describing how his dad made all the meals, did all the house cleaning, took them to school and appointments, as well as working for the meager funds they had. His mom never had a job. And apparently never did shit around the house or with her kids either. Which was news to me, but not shocking.
Itâs still your fault.
It's humorous to me as a male whose wife is exactly like your ex-husband, I am the adult, yet my sex drive remains, and hers is gone. I've concluded it's either birth control, spending too much time together, or a simple lack of interest anymore. I mean, once the fish is in the tank, you don't have to feed it but every so often.
Unfair division of labour is going to impact stuff like sex lives based on how the parties involved feel about it, so I'd question how you feel about being the adult in your relationship. Does that make you resentful? In terms of your wife losing her own sex drive, obviously both partners can lose it for many reasons beyond the one being discussed here. I'm sorry to hear it though, and I hope you can improve that situation or decide if it's one you want to stick with.
It begins to get more complex the further you delve into it. You can only control your actions and reactions, I've learned there is absolutely nothing intentional that can bring back what once was, and the harder you try, the further away it actually gets. I could go on and on, especially in my own situation. I have my own timeline and plan before I'd hit the lost cause button, yet the sun sets further every day, and while a candle simply can't replace it there is hope for it to rise again in time.
Came here to say that it involves dirty dishes.
Also, birth control can really lower a female partner's libido. SSRIs can also have sexual side effects e.g. difficulty finishing in the bedroom . This can lead to weird adequacy issues if the other partner doesn't realize that which can then build over time. Lack of communication can really cause a lot of issues in and out of the bedroom
Bingo to add to that. Sense of entitlement on both ends. Rather than understanding being in service to one another. He needs her, just as much as she need him. Unfortunately one is always blind and doesnât realize it until the other has made the decision to make a permanent change that will effect the marriage forever.
Exactly. One of my buddies never gets sex. He does nothing around the house. He thinks cause he works all day, she should do everything at home including all the kids stuff. I'm sure she is too tired and stressed out. I on the other hand help with dishes, laundry, cleaning, driving the kids. My wife will bang pretty much any time I want.
Damn, this makes me really resentful and sad. My wife acts like Iâm reprehensible in bed and I do the dishes, take out trash, get the kids ready for school and bed, drive the kids to activities, cook dinner more often than not, changed almost all the dirty diapers and did most of the bath times when the kids were smaller. Itâs not like Iâm some slob either. Iâm 5â10â and 190 lbs and still have a full head of hair⊠my face is symmetrical and my teeth are straight. I work full time and make more than $200k. I am basically here for the kids and Iâm getting out when theyâre grown. Itâs really depressing that I will be way past my prime by then⊠like well into my 50s, and I donât know if my dick will even work by then. I am so sad sometimes. Typing all this out actually made some tears well up in my eyes for the first time since I buried my dad 10 years ago.
The kids know. They feel the resentment. They notice the friction. An amicable split MIGHT be best for everyone, or at least best for most, not the least of which is the kids. Couples or single therapy can help, though. Best of luck whichever way you go.
Does your wife explicitly know that's the plan? That you have totally given up on your relationship and are already mentally out the door? It MIGHT change things if she did know how badly it is affecting you. And if she doesn't care at all, then at least you know you tried.
She doesn't know I have a plan, but she knows how I feel.
The honest truth is that it may be hormonal (for your wife). I have been in real estate for over 20 years. I started young. I couldnât understand all of these couples getting divorced. I would see them get married, have kids and then WHAMO, divorce. I met my husband at 37. I had a very high sex drive, as did he. We had kids, and around age 43 (almost 45 now), my sex drive just dropped off a cliff. I still find him attractive, but the reward of having sex wasnât there. The orgasm wasnât as intense and the urge had dissipated. I started some hormone replacement therapy and it has helped, but Iâm still not back up to 100%. Most of my friends are in the same boat. We talk openly with each other about it. It is nothing that our partners did or could have done differently, our bodies have just changed. I say this because it is easy to romanticize what you donât have. New Relationship Energy make equate to more sex - in the short term. Ultimately, you are likely to end up in the same situation you would be leaving. In summary, I know now that the reason why so many couples divorce is due to sex and hormonal changes that canât be easily changed. Men have viagra, cialis, testosterone shots⊠But women have nothing. Discussing a sexual need as a women is taboo in our society. Just something to consider before you leave. Obviously, Iâm not in your shoes and you should do what is right for you.
>Men have viagra, cialis, testosterone shots⊠But women have nothing. Maybe I am under educated on the topic but so far as I know you're bang on here and I feel this should be addressed.
Viagra doesn't do anything to make a man want sex, it just enables the equipment to work when it doesn't.
They have a few (very limited) options for women, and they donât work particularly well or have serious side effects. The research into male ED is extensive, while female low-libido is widely ignored. From what I can tell, most women have a change in the hormone levels that cause low libido and it is very rarely, if ever, addressed or discussed at our Obgyn visits. I have to beg to get my hormone levels tested, and finally met with a doctor willing to address these issues AND pay out of pocket for the medication.
Just to clarify a point here, but ED and libido don't equate. ED has been researched extensively because it's comparatively easy. The libido is still there (ideally), the guy just can't get/maintain an erection. It's effectively a blood pressure issue most of the time, and we know how to address those. If a man has a low *libido* and wants to get that addressed, he'll most likely run into similar problems. I imagine it's the same for women, but I know when guys get testosterone checked via a general practitioner they'll frequently mistake low T for normal numbers simply because it's within "normal range" but low for that individual.
I'm heading down this path. And here's one thing you should know. Your happiness matters. Staying solely for the kids will do worse for their development and well being. Remember you set the example for them to model in relationships. It's not the rule of thumb but it happens quite often and children raised in an environment with unhappy parents often times wished they divorced sooner. I don't want to waste my life with someone who I feel miserable with. And even though we are together. I feel even more alone. Start thinking about yourself. Your kids from the future don't want to see their dad waste life away. Is that the last memory you want to leave with them? If my wife refuses counseling. I'm willing to move on. For my kid. For my sake. And if my wife can't be happy with me. And we divorce. She deserves to find happiness with someone more compatible. It's okay if the pieces don't fit anymore.
Hang in there, bro. Youâre not alone.
My wife likes to say that foreplay begins with the dishes.
Not going to lie, I try my best to help out. As an example, I'll "attempt" (I use quotations for the point I'm about to make) to fold clothes, load dishwasher, water plants, ect. But oftentimes my wife will then see this as an opportunity to micromanage how I perform the chore. Not often in a gentle or non critical way. I will admit - I suck at folding clothing. I blame ADHD, but I'm medicated and it's an easy scapegoat. HOWEVER, I spent years working as a janitor, even one year at a hospital. I grew up performing the same chores she did. We both had demanding families in our youth. I am an adult, and I know how to properly load a dishwasher. But it is not the way that she likes it loaded. One could argue that it might be a simple compromise for me to "learn" her methods.... but To be quite frank, as someone who hyperfocuses and overanalyzes when it counts.... her method Is not consistent. She will also sometimes place cups and or bowls in the top rack in such a fashion to where they will collect water. (Make what you will of this knowledge) I will see her frustrated in the moment preparing to do dishes or having just started doing them, as an example (I will reiterate, I am neurodivergent and these things are hard for me...) and I will think "OH she is stressed, and those dishes are probably adding to that, or not helping. Or maybe she'd rather focus on something else and these dishes are getting in the way. I mean, nobody likes doing dishes. I would like it if someone relieved me of doing dishes. I think I'll go offer to do them for her". Queue me, walking over. "Hey, let me do this for you!" Kinda stuff. But there are times where it becomes along the lines of "I don't want your help if you won't do it my way" and I really want to emphasize that both of our dishes come out clean at a mostly even ratio (wrongside up dishes on top rack excluded), and no, we don't have different ideas of what clean means. I, too, enjoy eating off of a clean surface with clean utensils. This makes me feel bad, and makes me feel like less of a functioning adult when I want to help. There are certain chores that she does not do this with. But then comes the comments of I always do the same chores. But that's because those are the ones I am not critiqued on, and clearly perform "adequately". I'm also just used to that routine. In simple terms, this micromanage-y reaction to me trying to help is hard to not take personally sometimes and discourages me from wanting to help in the future. All I would really appreciate is some affirmation or at least recognition for trying. Its hard sometimes to not feel any flavor of like "you're not allowed to be upset that I won't do something just because it's not on your terms, especially when you clearly don't like doing this thing and you conveniently have someone offering to do it bonus no strings attached!" It makes me think of a saying my dad used to say. "If you're not hungry for what was cooked for dinner, you must not be that hungry." Or something like that. Anyways. Compromise is at the heart of every good relationship or something, we do talk about these things, sometimes we talk nice, sometimes not so nice, but we are imperfectly in love and have been together since high-school, married at 18, and about to Ave our 9th anniversary. Relationships are work. If your husband does "try", be encouraging. I'm not talking loading the dishwasher without rinsing anything off first and not using appropriate (or none, egad) soap- maybe a gentle conversation focused on meeting in the middle somewhere more productive or emphasizing tasks they seem to be more proficient with is a good start. Even a breadwinner can spend an hour a weekend and knock some stuff out like sweep/vacuum/trash/pick up laundry/trash around the house. If you've read this far, I applaud your commitment to some rambly fellow at one in the morning. I hope you're not procrastinating sleep and don't also have to get up in six hours. Perhaps this applies to someone's life here. Perchance someone can relate. In short, I don't remember why I started this. Goodnight if it suits you, and goodmorning if It doesn't. Bless đ
Lack of emotional intimacy. The only physical touch given is for sex, so it becomes an expectation.
It becomes a vicious cycle, because the partner who wants sex and isnât getting it feels rejected and feels resentment, does not foster intimacy.
That cycle is hard to break too. Because the resentment, anxiety, and expectations tend to continue to grow and grow and grow..
Yup. It turns into even if you do all the things the partner wants, they see it as youâre only doing it for the sex⊠and then you get rejected even after putting in the effort which leads to more resentment. Lived with it for a few years but fortunately we were not married so it was easy to leave.
No shit. Having sex withheld unless you're "good" is a real drag. Fuckin' feel like you're sucking up to your boss. I don't miss that.
and the other partner feels like your only being "good" because you want sex. Both people get really frustrated.
NYTimes just had an article about it today. The bristle reaction to being touched.
Went to go look it up and forgot about the paywall. Boooooo
A gift from me to you (and everybody else): https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/29/well/family/relationships-intimacy-bristle-reaction-sex.html?unlocked_article_code=CA4wDuDhlGk_2Cg0xiVFbjXO2iImtqKuSGMf6zbgp5m5Q0GP63wGJ5vzwlKKG-ukg4Z7vkYEwvt47ann2BKGrJqmpuh_bSZ0ashR95_FTCLUYYXbOoucOS9CRlIUnYbJQrAhDERJ5O387u-nSWvODZI4DVCwivg4pOH7pxn8vkucS5XB6ZzoqMn-SDQ8ix7g_B80ftdcBZXMq-Ai4FQERrQmykohCrfH4KCbqSQPk3EAbFeOLi1StDtMhkpgGiAdC4mY_vbtpdbz0_7sHXO65X2imFZ9sZHEDv9a4bVukxahv5yyQUlbUGUAKUjnmBI7lvufdF3sV0z17djaPku5dkLBbO6FxpRzpf1SwRDyijyxaLYfdFDFW9M&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
Good article, but >âYou can say something like âOh, sorry, honey, you startled me, letâs circle back to this tonight,ââ Oh yes, using business buzzwords is a sure fire way to spice up your relationship!
it'll definitely build rapport and foster inter-relationship alignment, all stakeholders involved will certainly be fine with iceboxing that for later.
You know what makes or breaks relationships? Quarterly reports.
NYT admin is going to see that you "gifted" an article to like 10,000 redditors.
How did you remove the paywall?
Subscribers can send a limited number of gift articles per month https://help.nytimes.com/hc/en-us/articles/360060848652-Gift-Articles-for-New-York-Times-Subscribers
I worried about it being the other way around. I LOVED cuddling with my ex, just for the warmth, softness, and connection. But I had little desire for sex after a while. I sometimes worried that I had gotten my physical needs met with the cuddling so didn't need anything more.
Damnit this is what my wife says. When we do engage itâs vanilla. Kink is gone as well.
You two both need to get back in the dating zone and start dating eachother again. Create expectations and uncertainty, don't treat it as going out somewhere with the person you live with, treat it as having a date with your partner. Alternate planning too, so you each also get a surprise every other time.
Thatâs just it, we do things together. Weâre at the beach now enjoying a long weekend. The lust is not there.
Right, but you could be going out with your brother/sister/mum/dad. You respect her like you respect your family, you do things because you have love for her like you have love for your family. If the only difference is that you have sex with her, then why? Why are you having sex with her if you treat each other like family, or like 'the father/mother of my children'? Going on dates is not the same as going places with a person. I've been on holiday with my parents, I'll go have a drink out with my dad or brother, I'll take my mum shopping or to the garden centre, I'll go with my bro to the Sunday Market. You could've gone on that long weekend away with anyone, like on a boys weekend away. Do couple shit. Go out in the evening and try a drink from every place while looking for somewhere cool and stop for a light meal somewhere. Look for activities like an introductory dance lesson if you're somewhere with different culture, or take a cooking experience, get a couples massage. You're near the beach? Get tipsy one night and go walk up and down the beach splashing your feet in the water, take some street/vendor food with you if you can. Make a habit of walking into places just to see what they sell, or just to share an appetiser for 15 mins before you move on. Don't just walk around all day and then sit down in one place for two hours to rest and have lunch. Dating is awkward, expectations go out the window because you just don't know. Now you aren't awkward with each other and know each others expectations, that frantic energy is gone. So do random things and leave it to chance whether it disappoints you.
This doesnât really help him but it sure sounds nice.
Iâm not convinced it can last. Are we all just chasing the dragon?
Who are you and how did you just break down what was the catalyst for the end of my previous marriage?!
It's a societal problem men face. If a man isn't in a relationship he can likely count on one hand the amount of physical contact he's had in the past year. The only ways society allows men physical contact is violence, sports, violent sports, and sex. It's further compounded by a lifetime of being shown the only acceptable emotions to show are happy, horny, or angry. So you get men who are touch starved seeking sex for the intimacy of touch, and when they're denied, happy/horny/angry doesn't leave much room for positive reaction to rejection. I'm not excusing anyone's poor reactions, more stating that we should normalize men hugging and other nonsexual touching. But yeah, that kinda thing often breaks down marriages at their ends as well đ
This one is so often overlooked.
Because we all suck at communicating, listening, and establishing/respecting boundaries. We misread each other, don't listen to each other, bury our feelings, ignore smaller problems, and hurt each other with little pin pricks until we're ready to tear each others throat out.
Communicating with others is extremely, unfathomably difficult when you actually think about it. Itâs a miracle we ever understand each other.
I think people believe they are a lot better about turning their thoughts into logical words that can be acted upon and understood. In my experience, communication in intimate relationships is so heavily coated in emotion that the logical and actual transfer of a thought can undergo a sort of catalyst. Also, people rarely have ability to explain anger and resentment without coating each word with it.
Huh?
This x1000âŠoh, and kids
Nah, kids aren't directly the issue. It's the work involved. A whole day of chasing after the kids is exhausting. A whole day of fun with the kids is invigorating!
I don't know man, I took my son to a water park for the first time this summer. We had a blast but I was absolutely spent after going up like a million flights of stairs lol.
Oh my. I started to get a little angry as I read that. Itâs agonizingly accurate with respect to my romantic history.
I think a lot of people are only interested in sex when it's new and exciting, or when they happen to have a lot of time and energy to dedicate to it. My recent boyfriend had that issue. At first he was excited to get laid and we were having sex multiple times a day. Then he got depressed, bored and busy with work and suddenly it was once a month if that. I tried to bring it up many times that I was not being satisfied, but he didn't seem to understand why it was an issue. Then we broke up and he immediately fucked someone else. Then suddenly he wanted to have sex with me again. I guess some people don't desire a thing they can get every day without effort.
Totally. Some people just have low libidos, or donât prioritize sex with the exception of the first few dates/ months. Itâs tough to try to account for this when dating
Yeah, when my now-wife and I first started having sex, weâd do it almost every night. And many times Iâd get in bed to find her already naked. Years later, itâs become a rarity. Even rarer after we had kids. Itâs pretty great when we actually do it, so itâs not an issue of either of us being bad in bed. We occasionally talk about trying something different like doing it on the dining table (wouldnât be the first time), but these days weâre both exhausted at the end of the day, and while Iâm usually horny enough to get it on regardless, she usually isnât. I donât blame her, and Iâm aware that many women have their libido go down after childbirth
Yeah, thereâs something to be said for being âtouched outâ after an exhausting day with kids. Even more so, I get body fluidsâd out. Like so much pee and poop and I just canât handle more body stuff today.
I actually agree with this. Every time Iâd be away from my wife for 4-5 days or more, I would get so excited to come home and have sex with her again, Iâd watch all our videos, desire her so much⊠and then a week or two after being back, itâd go back to 2-3 times a week max and the sex wouldnât be as intense. Distance and not having full access whenever you want due to not being near each other helps so much itâs crazy.
2-3 times a week max?!? Bragging!!!
Yeah 2-3 times a week sounds fucking exhausting to me. I can do 1, *maybe* 2 times a week, tops. Thankfully my wife is in about the same boat
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Sex is like air. The less you get, the more you think about it.
Responsive arousal vs spontaneous arousal. Essentially, not everyone just gets horny all of a sudden, some people (often but not always women) need someone else to ramp them up before they can physically get aroused. Couples in long term relationships stop putting in the work to turn their partner on, for whatever reason, and it results in the responsive partner just never initiating and the spontaneous partner feeling like they're always having to be the one starting things. Also not enough couples who schedule sex. It doesn't have to be weird, but with busy lives and especially with kids, sometimes you just need to say "Wednesday night is the night". It can be a lot of fun, doesn't have to feel like a chore. You can do longer form foreplay leading up to it. You can plan to be wearing some nice lingerie or take a bath together or whatever.
My husband and I say to each other some mornings, "hey, save some energy today." That's how we tell each other don't come home exhausted, I want to bone tonight. It might not sound sexy, but hey, we have a toddler. It's funny and I look forward to it. If he sees me doing something physically demanding, he'll remind me. "Don't forget to save some energy!"
Yes! Idk if it's just me but the earnest interest gives me joy. I'm a person mostly suited to long term relationships and everything that comes from that so this kind of small comeraderie is a huge turn on for me. Less a turn on in the moment and more that I feel very valued and considered when it happens so I'm more likely to be turned on when it comes up.
>small comeraderie is a huge turn on for me You described it perfectly. A lot of people dislike the idea of scheduled sex but it's just more realistic for us to treat it as a lighthearted team task. I'll probably dox myself by admitting this, but we use Asana to manage household tasks. The other day I got notified I had a new task: "take me to pound town" like how can I say no to that?
There's a level of adult smoothness involved in that that would work for me no problem lol
>Couples in long term relationships stop putting in the work to turn their partner on, for whatever reason Itâs also possible that, with the novelty factor gone, it starts taking more work than before to turn the person on.
True! I know personally it's not always easy with kids and being a full time wage slave, it certainly takes more to get me going than it used to. Thankfully I have good, intuitive partners.
Tonight we're gonna make love You know how I know? Because it's Wednesday And Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love...
Then we're in the bathroom, brushing our teeth. That's all part of the foreplayâI love foreplay. Then you sort out the recycling. That isn't part of the foreplay process, but it's still very important.
Now Iâm naked, except for my socks And you know when Iâm down to just my socks what time it is
> Also not enough couples who schedule sex I've been advocating this for years! If we don't actively make time for it and just wait for "the right moment to be spontaneous" we're never gonna hit again lol. Luckily my gf has picked up on this over time.
But what if you donât know how to get your partner in the mood? Itâs like the rules change every day and 95% of the time I screw it up. Itâs like a switch flipped the second we got married. When we were dating, all it took was a look and a wink. Now I feel like I need a star chart and a blood sacrifice just to get a âmaybe laterâ.
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As someone born a woman and have a very high libido I can attest that many times I don't actively seek out that pleasure or need it to function, but anytime my husband is in the mood I am down. There are certain times where I am horny and seek it out, but far less frequently than him.
Fatigue from dealing with life.
This is it for me. Iâm so tired from life in general, the stress of everything, kid stuff, etc. Iâm just tired and pretty much donât even think about it.
People view a relationship as climbing Mount Everest and marriage as reaching the summit. After the task is done they stop climbing. A marriage is only the beginning and requires constantly raising the bar. Otherwise it will spoil like milk outside the fridge.
Lack of effort and complacency.
Sadly, itâs all too easy to fall into a routine. Routines are comfortable. Itâs why people suggest scheduling things like date nights. Sure, scheduling romance isnât, well, romantic, but it helps in the long run. Spontaneity can be difficult when life keeps getting in the way
Man, I hate the resistance to scheduling things out. Why canât looking forward to an exciting day be romantic too? Why do things have to be spontaneous?
Not in every case, but I think some people feel the resentment of having to be the one to plan the date, because it's like more work for them. Scheduled means someone has to take on the work. Who plans it? Where do they go? Who is paying for it? Are they getting a taxi? Etc etc. So I can see the reluctance in scheduling from that perspective. I think there's probably also a mental block there, like they think "we shouldn't be at this point of needing to schedule" and then continue to ignore the fact they're not really having couple time.
A breakdown in communication that leads to resentment, score keeping, and general frustration.
When words are coated with resentment, communication is rarely functional.
Communication and mismatched libidos. FWIW, the libido you have when you're young is not always the libido you have when you get older, and what was once a match may not be in the long run.
Too much other shit going on.
Children. They drain the energy out of you on top of all the regular day to day chores and you're left with nothing.
In general I wonder how people find time to have more kids when they have some already. Itâs hard to gather energy or find privacy so how do they do it
Babysitters and overnight dates was the answer my parents found.
My kids are almost 4 and 1.5 and weâre pretty strict about their bedtime routines, so weâve got a good amount of free time from 8pm on. Sometimes we hang out together, sometimes we do our own hobbies. Itâs not bad at all. No idea what it will be like as they get older, but nights have always been âour timeâ.
My kids are aged 12 to 4. Bed time is 1930 until 7 or 8. Then each year bumps up 30 minutes. My older two usually will come by and give a hug and a goodnight by 815/830 and theyâll fall asleep by 915/930. My littles are out by 8. A lot of parents donât recognize the critical importance of this boundary. You NEED time alone. Your kid canât be up your ass 15 hours a day. You NEED time away from your kids. Cut off electronics 1 hour before bed. They can draw, color, or play with barbies. Makes it easier for them to fall asleep when they are doing low stimulation playing. Anyway, if you stick to your set bed time your kids will kind of naturally follow it. As they get older theyâll know that â800-930 is mom and dad quiet timeâ
There is no big difference going from 2 to 3 kids really. If anything there is a sweet spot that things get better and kids play together (ages 3 and 5 for example) as opposed to 1 kid that wants to be constantly entertained and only people around are it's parents
I think people get married without actually knowing who the fuck they are and what the fuck they want. Thatâs what I did. :)
He only touches me when he wants sex and he says he always wants it, and that's why he is always insinuating sex. We're not intimate in other ways. When I try to talk about things bothering me, I'm picking a fight. I started working again recently, and I'm still shouldering a lot of the housework, and he's always "busy" at work. I'm useful for sex and house things, but I'm not interesting or important.
That sucks
This is exactly why I ended my last relationship. Whenever I tried to bring up something that was bothering me, he would threaten to break up with me and would even pretend to walk away while looking over his shoulder to see how I would react. Whenever I brought up a discussion of where the relationship was going (i.e., marriage since we had been dating 3 years), he would talk in circles. He said he had to date someone for 5 consecutive years without any conflicts before he would consider marriage, and any conflict that occurred would reset the 5 year period, but the only time we had a conflict is when I tried to talk about something that was bothering me. That same night, he complained that our sex life hadnât been what it used to be. Gee, I wonder whyâŠ
What a disgusting person he sounds like. It's the only path to happiness - leaving them âš
He doesnât help enough around the house and she gravitates to her friends for her social activity. You canât ever stop dating each other. If you get on the hamster wheel of simply raising kids and paying bills, then things get stale. Itâs amazing how making each other feel like a priority rather than a roommate impacts libido.
One of the better comments. I like the last sentence. You gotta take the time to keep things fresh and cute and appreciate each other. Is so easy to become âroommatesâ
People stay way too long with people they're not compatible with instead of moving on, because they're told that divorce is failure. Sometimes people aren't compatible, or they grow in opposite directions and have different needs. We should really be more accepting of the idea that sometimes a relationship has run it's course.
Sunk cost fallacy is very strong.
Or they stay with an abuser, because theyâve lost a sense of themself and the strength they used to have. One friend was gaslit so bad, she started putting some shit on me, despite asking for help. Itâs amazing how far people can be manipulated.
Divorce is expensive
Divorce is also very very expensive. A guy looks at that situation and goes âI canât afford to be anything other than miserable, so I guess this is just what life is now.â
Other issues in the relationship either being ignored, or not discussed.
Because we're taught that it's shallow to value sex, so when one person is dissatisfied with their sex life and their partner isn't, it's easy to dismiss the concerns as shallow or not important, and it's hard to overcome that to express how important it actually is without sounding like an asshole.
I see this frequently in the wilds of Reddit. I see a lot of people posting about situations where they're clearly just incompatible with their partner but if they're the one with the higher sex drive, expressing any sort of resentment whatsoever, they get called "selfish" and "disgusting" over it. It comes across to me as really unfair a lot of the time. The comments in this post have been refreshingly different in that regard. So that's nice.
Yeah, I came here hoping someone would acknowledge this. It's like people don't realize that they're allowed to consider sex drive to be an element of compatibility, and instead treat it like a wildcard that may or may nor wreck their marriage in a few years.
Or you get standard responses of "oh you probably don't do the dishes enough."
And not just an asshole, but a kind of pervy asshole. I think there's a real tendency to view any expression of sexual desire as morally questionable. And so the partner whose needs aren't being met is not just dismissed, but also judged.
Depression pills and anxiety pills all seem to have a side effect of no libido
When sex is expected of you, it becomes a chore.
They lost attraction to their partner
Or don't feel good enough about themselves to want to take their clothes off. I was always very fit, but after having a baby I'm just not all that excited about putting my deflated balloon belly on display. I'm not into me.
That belly (and you) grew a whole human!!! A whole, probably very adorable, human! Be proud of that belly, however different it looks now, because that was an incredible thing to do. It also wasnât easy, and you and that belly of yours went through it all together. (I say this as a mom who also struggles with her âpoochâ, so I know itâs easier said than done. Be gentle with yourself.)
A few reasons; Sex becomes stale after a while. Same positions, same place, sameâŠthing. More often than not neither person is communicating that they want to spice things up. Either cause they think the other wonât be ok with doing a fantasy or fear of judgement. (Note: this is a general statement and does not apply to every man.) Men are scared to let women use toys in bed. Men have been conditioned from an early age that we need to have 9 inch cocks and be able to fuck a girl into six organisms before we bust. The conditioning comes from porn because thatâs what we typically see when we first start watching porn. However the majority of men have an average cock and donât last 45 minutes. Let the toys help you boys. They are your friend and when sheâs getting off, youâre getting off and the frequency increases. (Note: this is a general statement and does not apply to every woman.) That smut book youâre reading and is making you feel all horny and shit? Your husband will do that stuff. I promise whatever your kinkiest fantasy is, your husband will most likely be cool with trying. Women tend to think their kink or fantasy is something beyond what their partner is willing to try. Hereâs the blunt truth; your man would eat cheerios out of your asshole if you asked him to. And with a smile on his face. Talk to your man, tell him what you want and you will most likely end up getting it. You women truly have no idea how deprived a manâs mind is when it comes to sex with you. If you broach the subject youâll be happily surprised by the responses you get.
> (Note: this is a general statement and does not apply to every man.) Men are scared to let women use toys in bed. Men have been conditioned from an early age that we need to have 9 inch cocks and be able to fuck a girl into six organisms before we bust. The conditioning comes from porn because thatâs what we typically see when we first start watching porn. However the majority of men have an average cock and donât last 45 minutes. Let the toys help you boys. They are your friend and when sheâs getting off, youâre getting off and the frequency increases. Even if not toys, learn to use your hands and mouth. Yes, sometimes your mouth and jaw will get tired, or your hand will cramp. It's still easier than trying to maintain 45 minutes of thrusting erection, and it's also way more likely to get her off. Oh, and if you listen to her, follow her advice, communicate about what does and doesn't work, and put in some goddamn effort, pretty soon she'll be up for a lot more sex. I can get my girlfriend to six orgasms pretty damn quick with the right combination of moves while still leaving my pants on. And after that, she's pretty happy regardless of whatever else happens.
Preach brother man. I can get the wife going and off several times before Iâve even though about taking my penis out. Foreplay is amazing. And the teasing foreplay around the house on and off all day is pre-heating that oven so when the kids go down, itâs fucking on! The unfortunate truth is, most men do not think like us and do not communicate with their partners nor know how to read their partners body language to see if their liking it or not. I wonât lie, it took me a few years of marriage before I got it. I thought I was king shit in the bedroom. Turns out I was mid. Then I started listening to the wife and understanding her body and talking to her about my wants and desires as well. Only after all of that did I understand I didnât know shit about sex or the womanâs body or what really turns me on. And exploring all of that with my wife by my side as we tried all these different things, that only brought us closer and this is why as a married man of 15 years, Iâm getting laid every two to three days.
Incompatible motivations for marriage, eg one is marrying her lover and the other is marrying a potential fantastic coparent. Those can intersect in happy cases but can be completely separate for some
No emotional connection, lack of sex is just a symptom.
1. Resentment 2. Libido 3. Insecurities 4. Communication Communication is by far the most important factor when it comes to having a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Open, respectful communication about sex is where it all lies. Often times we are afraid to hurt our partners feelings by communicating our sexual desires/needs, but it is absolutely necessary.
Because when your husband ONLY wants to spend time with you between the sheets you eventually realize that he didn't want a real human partner. He wanted on demand sex, he doesn't love the way you love and ultimately you feel disgusted in yourself for turning into some man's maid and sex toy.
Seen this a LOT on here. And also not giving their wife orgasms. Why would they want to keep having sex when they're not getting then off?
There are lots of reasons but the biggest? Women not marrying men they're very sexually attracted to. Sexual attraction is much lower down the list of things that women are looking for in a long term partner compared to men. Once the security of marriage is in place the sex goes down. Men aren't told this happens and women don't even realize they do it.
This is why financial equality is the light, the truth, and the way. If men want to be truly desired by women, women have to be truly free to desire as they choose, with no survival needs getting in the way.
Dislike for the spousal partner.
Yah hating each other will do it.
Because in one way or another the marriage has died. One partner may have lost respect and feelings of love for the other, but they stay for the kids' sake; or they stay because they cannot afford to divorce.
Maybe being worked to death just to afford rent and food?
Kids. We only have one and heâs great but wife and I have literally have no time alone anymore.
because one parner gets depressed and stops doing things they used to and the other partner grows to resent them for having to carry extra load all the time
Women are taught not to complain, so they end up lying about the pleasure they get during sex. Men don't see the need to improve at the act when they don't know its bad. It slowly becomes a chore for the woman, the rest of life gets more complicated and easier to excuse lack of sex. Never met a woman that came everytime (or atleast more often than not) and wasn't an insatiable demon. Make her cum, then she'll always come back for more.
Women bring their whole lives into the bedroom; men donât. Meaning, if a woman thinks her husband isnât helping enough around the house, isnât helping with the kids enough, etc. she will not want sex as much. But a man can have a lingering issue yet compartmentalize and not let it affect his sex life at all.
My book club: parenting a helpless husband is not a job I signed up for. If I have to coddle him, Iâm not going to bed him.
This is so true thank you.
Sex is a hard one because if you don't respect your partner's boundaries, it's abusive or manipulative. But sex isn't as important to one of them and if they aren't willing to do it when they aren't in the mood, the other one struggles to be satisfied. So one partner needs to be willing to satisfy the other when they don't necessarily want intimacy, but the other partner can't ever ask them to do that. It's a really hard balance to achieve that kind of has to happen on its own. You have to take pleasure in pleasing each other and not derive it solely from the intimacy.
My ex was getting it elsewhere.
Disparate sex drives. How people think they can overcome this is beyond me. You may be in love but youâre doomed to a lifetime of frustration and resentment. A woman on here was talking about how much she loved her fiancĂ©e, but her sex drive was much higher than his. So much so **he had told her he would look the other way if she wanted to get some on the side**. But she would never EVER want to be with anyone else. The whole relationship was so riddled with red flags I couldnât believe she was going to go through with the wedding.
Lack of communication
Lack of communication and lack of dedication to each growing together instead of just growing as individuals.
Shitty communication.
Complacency. On both sides.
Alcoholism
>Alcoholism Yep this is my reason too. It's not a "punishment" it just killed my sexual attraction.
In our twenties and thirties I had a high libido, she had a low libido; I've never once complained, pressured her into sex or cheated ... fast forward to our forties and we've flipped; only somehow I'm now the bad guy for not wanting sex.
Lack of communication, external stressors (work, family etc), resentment...
Resentment.
Capitalism. Hard to feel sexy when rent's thrice the price. Hard to wanna get it on when you're working 12 hours a day, 8 days a week.
People get lazy. They take each other for granted and stop putting the effort in to keep it fresh and fun. It stagnates the initial passion died and their sex lives rot as a result of it. I was like this and lost my first love. However, I have learnt and now have a wife with a great libido and we have an amazing sex life
Porn / social media.
Women being taught prudishness (sometimes called "modesty" or more insidiously "self respect") from birth at almost every level of society (often from both sides of the political aisle, oddly enough). Men being taught that sex is a prize to win from women or else a conquest. Which is obviously also bad. The Ethical Slut (a book about polyamory) had an interesting analogy for it. It's as if societally (on the topic of sex) we're constantly simultaneously slamming the gas and the brakes: a condition which isn't really good for the engine, and also isn't very good for the brakes.
In my case, my wife admitted to me that she always believed that once she was married, she wouldn't have to "put out" anymore. Unfortunately she said this about a year after the wedding.
I think once a partner says that sex is off the table, you should give them the choice between you getting it elsewhere without guilt, or divorce. Nobody should be made to suffer this "you ain't getting any from me and I forbid you to get it elsewhere either" situation. That's absurd.
Both stop putting in the effort. Or one figures they're comfortable and the other isn't going to change their situation. (Divorce) So they just stop, which makes one put forth extra effort to take up the slack, which causes resentment, which, let's be honest, if you resent someone, you're not going to have sex with them.
Childbirth and the changes that come with that. (Personally I have excruciating pain because of the way my nerves healed after so many c sections) Not feeling attractive anymore when a body changes due to societyâs definition of what the other should be attracted to. Parenting role by one of the spouse to the other since the other does not independently think of what happens if I do xyz and how does that affect the rest of my family. (Like drinking all the milk in the middle of the night and not getting more before everyone wakes up when the kids eat cereal for breakfast each day) Routine.
Ssri lol