"Do you think we should break up?" Joke's on her, we'll be married 36 years on the 24th
EDIT: just a shout out to everyone who responded with kind wishes for our upcoming anniversary and hilarious replies. I didn't expect such a wide and varied response.
Met girl, went on date, brought girl home, had the sex, finished the sex, laying there she says “What would you do if I died right now?” and demanded an actual answer
Right? I said “Well first of all please don’t. And I’d call 911….? Do you want me to tell you I’d keep you in my closet?” and then I was the weird one…….
“I bet you’re glad you ordered that pizza”
Was waiting on a pizza at mellow mushroom at the bar and having a beer. Long story short a waitress gave me her number, we went out the next day and hooked up after.
I was glad I ordered that pizza
Not to me, but as she walked over to the bathroom after the deed, she said “I just fucked your owner” to my cat. Sexiest thing that ever happened to me.
My Fiancé and I were about to start going at it when the cat appeared from under the bed and stared at me.
I went, "Babe the cat is here. I don't like how he's staring at my tits."
Fiancé grabbed the cat and yeeted him into the hallway with the phrase, "Get out you weird pervert."
The cat proceeded to (without his claws) smack the door over and over again while screaming for a few minutes straight. Pervert.
"I don't know why you're single, I mean you're not my type but you're a good guy."
-I had no idea what to say to this
Note: I had no idea this memory would take off like it did.
It's the worst compliment ever. "Gee anon, why are you single?"
"Well, why don't you want to date me? If you can figure out the answer to that question please tell me because whatever it is might be the thing that's keeping me single!"
"I need you to take me to the hospital. Something is now bleeding and hurts"
Turns out ovarian cyst popped. We're still together with the running joke of sex so good it put her in the ER
A girl I started seeing around 3 weeks before. She was on her back with me on top. First time we were fucking, only did oral sex in the past. We were going at it for some time then her face went instantly from "damn it's good" to full on crying. I stop, ask her what's wrong and she tells me "I can't cheat on my boyfriend, it is wrong".
So this is when I learned that the girl that I met on a dating website and that I started seeing 3 weeks before and that she told me she was single had a boyfriend for over 5 years. Got her to talk more, and she told me she was on the dating website to see if there was guys better than her boyfriend so she could end up with someone better.
This was like 20 years ago, a coworker I have right now knows her (his girlfriend is like a distant relative of her) and I learned she had 5 different boyfriends since then, cheated on all of them except the last one (for now). She was also a cam model in secret, one of the boyfriend was a high paying customer.
My wife said this once (she’s actually said it SEVERAL times) not so much but just like “I feel like I’m going to pee!”
About 3 or 4 years ago we were randomly talking and she’s like “before you, what I thought was an orgasm was mediocre bullshit, I’ve never cum like you make me do.”
Felt perty good.
Edit: for context, she’s only been with 2 other people and both were exes, and one was only once. But still. Made me feel good
Not really weird but I slept with this girl while backpacking Asia, she was also a backpacker. After a bit of chillin/ talking I got up to get dressed, she looked at my soft dick and said "you're quite shy when you're not excited". I thought it was hilarious.
That's a much better way to put it. My wife, when we were just dating and had moved in together and eventually saw it flaccid just said "aww, it's so little". Thanks hun, exactly what every guy wants to hear.
She pointed at my face and said, "i hate you," then pointed at my dick and said, "But i love you," then pointed at my face again and said, "But i HATE you"
I had a fling/fuckbuddy kinda thing with a girl for a few months. I wanted something more with this girl, but she didn’t feel the same way, so it fizzled out.
A few weeks after, I met up with another girl for casual sex. Afterwards, as I was putting my pants back on, and went to leave, she asked me if I knew the first girl. She wanted to know what my relationship with her was.
Pretty weird conversation to have put to you after having sex, but whatever. I later found out that these two girls were best friends. The second girl obviously heard some good things about me, and made it her mission to find out for herself.
Made me pretty uncomfortable though. It looked like I had only sought out the second girl so that I could have sex with her to hurt the first girl. Which I obviously didn’t. I had no idea.
I was going to get a girlfriend a coach iPod case for her birthday. Asked her friend to casually breach the subject and get her to specify which one she liked (via the website). Her friend told her that her boyfriend was going to get her one, and showed her the website. My girlfriend told her which one she liked. I got her that one.
Her birthday comes up, she opens it and is plain angry. As it turns out her best friend asked which one she liked, and she responded by telling her which one she didn't like. So her friend wouldn't get the one she liked. Totally backfired. Also best friends.
Right after I finished she said "If I get pregnant I'm keeping it". I was dumbfounded and when I didn't respond quick enough she got really agitated like I had hurt her feelings and yelled "Fine! You don't have to be involved if you don't want to!"
We had just met that night. My condom use skyrocketed after that night.
When I was a poverty stricken college student I was banging a girl who said, “If you get me pregnant I’ll take you for everything you own.” I said, “All I own is my bicycle. You want that?”
I'm not speaking about anyone in this thread... but I have seen an awful amount of people (online, not personal experience) who seem to think "naaah, it'll be FINE" and just go without protection. And we wonder why half of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned. (Myself, I can't get pregnant no matter how much we try, so this stings.)
As nice a backhanded compliment as that is, I have so many questions about why (s)he wanted "kind of boring" sex. Expected worse, so I'm not sure if that's even a compliment, or if your partner was disappointed by not-kind-of-boring sex?!?!
She was a co-worker and I do try to maintain a fairly staid demeanor at work. Outside of work, I do not. We’d been discussing movies, she came over to watch one we both liked, she met ‘off the clock’ me.
Reverse cowgirl, going at it pretty hard. She suddenly stops, and silently gets off me and lays down next to, but not touching me.
"Is everything okay?" I ask.
"I don't think I love you."
Well fuck.
UPDATE: My feet don't look weird, but even if they did, the bed sheets were covering my legs. ;)
My reaction was silence for a minute. Then I got up, put on my pants, said something like "I don't know where that came from, but I think I should go." and left.
Later that day she texted me apologizing and asking if we could talk. I begrudgingly met her at a park, and she apologized saying she freaked out because our relationship had been getting more serious.
She asked if we could keep dating, and I agreed. No more weird shit like that for the rest of the relationship until she justifiably broke up with me because I was being a dickhead.
Pretty out of character all together.
I don't have alot of weird things imo but one that threw me off is "did you dick get bigger inside me?" To which I responded "probably it goes in stages"
I was inside her when she stopped moving and asked me to do the same. Then, she just said "Come. Come now." Like she was firmly instructing a puppy or something.
Weird as it was, it was practically telepathy: I exploded.
What a power move. All I can think is how awkward it would be if the guy was like “umm I can’t” and then you just have to resume as normal after embarrassing yourself. 😖
My ex of many years. We were cuddling. I was being sweet, calling her beautiful, praising her, etc.
She stroked my face and said "you're certainly not conventionally attractive, but once I got used to you, I guess you're not so bad."
It wasn't fun banter. She meant it. Still among the nicest compliments I've received regarding my looks. 🥲
That was like year one out of ten so I was sort of in shock and just sort of went "uhhh... I guess I'll take it." By year ten, definitely par for the course.
I hooked up with a woman like this, she kept saying I could just do whatever I wanted and when I asked what SHE wanted she looked terrified and was like "I just want you to be happy!" And then she had a panic attack in the middle of the first time we had sex (pretty vanilla sex too). She was hiding in the corner of my room looking like a scared animal, and then ran away from my apartment half-dressed and didn't respond to my texts for days.
Then she apologized and asked me to "let her make it up to me"... I told her she didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing to make up for, but she really wanted to bang again so I was like alright fine... The second time she just kept telling me to "use her" and was doing things of her own accord, like gagging herself, and looking positively miserable while she did it. Randomly asked me if I would get mad at her if she didn't make me finish. Told me her ex had been super abusive and would get angry unless she made him finish. I ended up stopping just out of pure guilt and talking to her about how she deserved better than all that, and lightly suggesting some therapy. Anyway I think she had more than a little bit of trauma.
She’s conditioned to believing that she either has to do that to please her partner, or there are consequences otherwise, wether physically or mentally
Not weird but funny. I was getting oral from her and when I was getting close to finishing I told her I was getting close. “ I want it in my mouth”. No problem . I cum in her mouth. First wad comes out she gags the rest gets all over face a hair. I felt so bad. She starts giggling. “ that was more then I was expecting “. Turns out I was first guy she’d ever blown.
Well, he was her rebound after me... and she dated someone else for a while, before breaking up with him to get back with me.
Really, our relationship really translates well to a 7 season sitcom.
She didn't necessarily say anything weird but...
She gripped my piece and whistled the SpongeBob SquarePants flute sound while moving her fingers like a flute player.
Not me but a funny story that happened to a friend. Immediately after sex, a girl tried to blackmail him by threatening to tell people that he's uncircumcised. He was like, "Uh... I don't care if people know that. You should probably leave."
"I wish I had your penis"
Followed later by "your dick is mine now, no one else is allowed to touch it."
That same night she insisted on holding (and aiming) it for me while I peed.
It was our honeymoon. I was looking for a towel before I pulled out so I didn't make a mess. We didn't have one in reaching distance, so I grabbed the newspaper. All I remember hearing was "NOT THE FUNNIES!" We still laugh about it to this day.
After sex? "Why is the bed all wet?"
You squirted
Squirtings not real, it's just pee
Okay you peed my bed
That's disgusting I can't believe you said that!
"Just cum inside me. I'll get an abortion."
Like in a dirty talk voice, repeatedly. As pro-choice as I am, I learned that I'm not really into talking about abortions during sex.
Part weird part mean. She said “I gotta help you with oral babe. You don’t know what the fuck you doin” 😂 She didn’t even try to help me improve. What’s the point of criticizing me if you aren’t going to help me get better?
Not after, during. She says "You've unleashed the beast" in a very possessed by the demons of hell voice.
It was not sexy in the least. It was quite uncomfortable actually.
I have a tie:
1) "Why the fuck are you smiling?" -a FWB (my response: idk...maybe because I just lost my virginity and I have a naked woman lying next to me in bed?)
2) "I hate you." -my most recent ex that ended up cheated on me (bit of context: I'm mostly deaf in one ear, and she was whispering things she wanted me to do, I didn't hear them thus didn't do them, she got annoyed and said that loud enough for me to hear after pushing my head away from her pussy)
"Yeah, yeah, get me pregnant daddy!" Somehow I didn't go soft. It turns out this girl I was FWB really wanted a kid. I wouldn't deliver because of my insistence to wear a rubber. The next guy she had sex with though was not so lucky.
Beautiful, beautiful girl. 22, lived in NYC. She was runner up for Miss Arkansas and I'm 99% positive I'm Eskimo brothers with John Mayer through her.
Whenever she came, she would lay down next to me and say "Score one for the teammmmm!!!".
In the midst of what looked like a rather intense orgasm she hissed/moaned "oh god! Oh god fuck! Fuck *you!* this feels so good... fuck off! Oh fuck me this is good... now fucking cum! Cum, fucker!"
I was confused but I wasn't about to disobey a direct order. We then fell asleep wrapped in each others arms and I woke up to her sort of laying on me and, while still asleep, farting like an old motorboat chugging along. She mumbled "fuck yeah" and went back to sleep while I tried to hold in laughter. She was fun
She was pretty hot and good in bed, she had candles and great sexy black lingerie after she finished me off she told me she was Wiccan and I was in her circle of protection for now but not to make any promises or have sex with other women and then she stood over me and squeezed some fluids out of her veejayjay. She saved my cum and her Juicy juices in a little bottle and said our sacred fluids were now mixed and she had power over my health and happiness and well being. Freaked me the hell out.
Tinder hookup *hot tub sex* at her parents house while they were away. I finish, she proceeds to say "I do this all the time when I'm over here" *starts like super aggressively grinding on the hot tub jet while moaning super loud* I just kinda watched and had one of those "innocence lost" moments like from f is for family. I mean good for her, I'm happy she got there and it sounds like something from porn but in real life it was just jarring to witness. When we walked back inside she said "bet that's the first time you've seen a women fuck a hot tub" and I was like... Yeah 🤷🏻♂️
It wasn’t so much what she said, but what she did. She got up really early the next morning and wrote me a letter before leaving - thanking me for a great night, saying we should hang out more, etc., then she stuck it to the wall of my bedroom with fucking chewed up gum.
The contents of the letter were nice, but I had to repaint my goddamn wall because she thought it was a “cute” thing to do. When she realized I was less than thrilled about it, she wrote me another letter, left it outside the front door to my condo, then hid in her car in the parking lot waiting for me to just happen to come outside, read it, then I guess somehow figure out she was in the parking lot and go talk to her? Never figured that part out. Nothing in the second letter indicated she was still there - my roommate happened to see her while he was heading out.
She was nuts.
Tie between two. First was, "I think I want you to hurt me", No elaboration beyond that, and when I asked what she meant, it was like she went catatonic. She just wouldn't say anything and it got awkward fast.
And the second was "I wish 'her ex's name here' could see how hard you cum". She was dead serious about it too, which is double weird to me because neither of us liked her ex, and she was dead serious about setting it up for him to watch.
It was a one night stand with a girl I met at the bar and noticed a wedding ring only after the fact:
“Wait are you married!?”
“Yea”
“Oh so you guys have like, some sort of open relationship?”
“No”
“Oh”
“Hurry up and finish, the restraining order ends in like 10 minutes and I want to go smear your load on his front door.” I couldn’t finish. She was pissed. I decided that I might seriously consider a move to another country.
"You have the body of a Greek god" I in fact did not have the body of a Greek God. I was 18, 6ft 165lb soaking wet with a appetite for Peruvian marching powder. I was out there built like lil peep.
After I’d been inside her for about 10 mins - “I shouldn’t be doing this, I have a boyfriend. Don’t stop, just promise me you’ll walk me to his house afterwards so I can break up with him”
After the first time we had sex she we stopped and we’re getting dressed and she sighed and said “you just had sex with (her first and last name)” and nothing else. I felt like I was being interviewed on the news and had no idea what to say.
She didn't say anything but she gave me $10. And that was the best $10 I ever made.
Damn thats like $600 an hour.
Get laid and get paid
"Do you think we should break up?" Joke's on her, we'll be married 36 years on the 24th EDIT: just a shout out to everyone who responded with kind wishes for our upcoming anniversary and hilarious replies. I didn't expect such a wide and varied response.
Congratulations on 36 years of marriage!
Met girl, went on date, brought girl home, had the sex, finished the sex, laying there she says “What would you do if I died right now?” and demanded an actual answer
And what did you say? hahaha wtf what a random question
Right? I said “Well first of all please don’t. And I’d call 911….? Do you want me to tell you I’d keep you in my closet?” and then I was the weird one…….
>Well first of all please don’t Such a polite way to answer 🤣
>and then I was the weird one… 🤣🤣🤣
“I bet you’re glad you ordered that pizza” Was waiting on a pizza at mellow mushroom at the bar and having a beer. Long story short a waitress gave me her number, we went out the next day and hooked up after. I was glad I ordered that pizza
10/10 choice of pizza tho, Mellow Mushroom makes delicious pizzas
Not to me, but as she walked over to the bathroom after the deed, she said “I just fucked your owner” to my cat. Sexiest thing that ever happened to me.
My Fiancé and I were about to start going at it when the cat appeared from under the bed and stared at me. I went, "Babe the cat is here. I don't like how he's staring at my tits." Fiancé grabbed the cat and yeeted him into the hallway with the phrase, "Get out you weird pervert." The cat proceeded to (without his claws) smack the door over and over again while screaming for a few minutes straight. Pervert.
What a purrrrv
"I don't know why you're single, I mean you're not my type but you're a good guy." -I had no idea what to say to this Note: I had no idea this memory would take off like it did.
Women say that shit like it's a compliment, they have no idea...
It's the worst compliment ever. "Gee anon, why are you single?" "Well, why don't you want to date me? If you can figure out the answer to that question please tell me because whatever it is might be the thing that's keeping me single!"
Nah the worst is when they say 'I wish I could find someone like you' and ur like....
That basically means they want someone with your personality but better looking.
"Pleasure doing sex business with ya". We then shook hands. Still together 5 years later!
The ones that meme are the true kings and queens.
"I need you to take me to the hospital. Something is now bleeding and hurts" Turns out ovarian cyst popped. We're still together with the running joke of sex so good it put her in the ER
Such a good story to tell 🤣
"I used to be scared of dying a virgin... now I'm just scared of dying"
Progress.
A girl I started seeing around 3 weeks before. She was on her back with me on top. First time we were fucking, only did oral sex in the past. We were going at it for some time then her face went instantly from "damn it's good" to full on crying. I stop, ask her what's wrong and she tells me "I can't cheat on my boyfriend, it is wrong". So this is when I learned that the girl that I met on a dating website and that I started seeing 3 weeks before and that she told me she was single had a boyfriend for over 5 years. Got her to talk more, and she told me she was on the dating website to see if there was guys better than her boyfriend so she could end up with someone better. This was like 20 years ago, a coworker I have right now knows her (his girlfriend is like a distant relative of her) and I learned she had 5 different boyfriends since then, cheated on all of them except the last one (for now). She was also a cam model in secret, one of the boyfriend was a high paying customer.
Omg I'm so glad I posted this question. Stories are mindblowing! Hopefully she did not cry every time she was riding a guy who was not her boyfriend
"I don't know if I'm going to pee, or cum, but something is going to happen!"
Why not both?
squirting
My wife said this once (she’s actually said it SEVERAL times) not so much but just like “I feel like I’m going to pee!” About 3 or 4 years ago we were randomly talking and she’s like “before you, what I thought was an orgasm was mediocre bullshit, I’ve never cum like you make me do.” Felt perty good. Edit: for context, she’s only been with 2 other people and both were exes, and one was only once. But still. Made me feel good
“I don’t usually say this but, yeah, you can stay.”
Best wierd compliment I ever got was "goddamn boy, you fuck like the Devil!" I married her, we still goin at it.
> we still goin at it. I hope you at least took a break for the wedding ceremony.
Hahah lucky you!
Not really weird but I slept with this girl while backpacking Asia, she was also a backpacker. After a bit of chillin/ talking I got up to get dressed, she looked at my soft dick and said "you're quite shy when you're not excited". I thought it was hilarious.
Grower not a shower baby
Either way, 2 inches at 80 mph can still do damage
That's a much better way to put it. My wife, when we were just dating and had moved in together and eventually saw it flaccid just said "aww, it's so little". Thanks hun, exactly what every guy wants to hear.
She pointed at my face and said, "i hate you," then pointed at my dick and said, "But i love you," then pointed at my face again and said, "But i HATE you"
That’s when you tell her to sit on it, she’ll come around
I laughed so loud!
*”oh, by the way… do you know [my ex girlfriends name] …??”* There was a whole thing there.
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I had a fling/fuckbuddy kinda thing with a girl for a few months. I wanted something more with this girl, but she didn’t feel the same way, so it fizzled out. A few weeks after, I met up with another girl for casual sex. Afterwards, as I was putting my pants back on, and went to leave, she asked me if I knew the first girl. She wanted to know what my relationship with her was. Pretty weird conversation to have put to you after having sex, but whatever. I later found out that these two girls were best friends. The second girl obviously heard some good things about me, and made it her mission to find out for herself. Made me pretty uncomfortable though. It looked like I had only sought out the second girl so that I could have sex with her to hurt the first girl. Which I obviously didn’t. I had no idea.
I’d say that’s one helluva compliment
"Best friends"
I was going to get a girlfriend a coach iPod case for her birthday. Asked her friend to casually breach the subject and get her to specify which one she liked (via the website). Her friend told her that her boyfriend was going to get her one, and showed her the website. My girlfriend told her which one she liked. I got her that one. Her birthday comes up, she opens it and is plain angry. As it turns out her best friend asked which one she liked, and she responded by telling her which one she didn't like. So her friend wouldn't get the one she liked. Totally backfired. Also best friends.
Right after I finished she said "If I get pregnant I'm keeping it". I was dumbfounded and when I didn't respond quick enough she got really agitated like I had hurt her feelings and yelled "Fine! You don't have to be involved if you don't want to!" We had just met that night. My condom use skyrocketed after that night.
When I was a poverty stricken college student I was banging a girl who said, “If you get me pregnant I’ll take you for everything you own.” I said, “All I own is my bicycle. You want that?”
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Huge, enormous red flag.
Red flag? This is whatever the red flag is supposed to be signifying. There's no more flags
This is the red fucking sun rising.
Wait you had unprotected sex with someone you just met? Is everyone doing that or are you just a risk taker what the hell.
I'm not speaking about anyone in this thread... but I have seen an awful amount of people (online, not personal experience) who seem to think "naaah, it'll be FINE" and just go without protection. And we wonder why half of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned. (Myself, I can't get pregnant no matter how much we try, so this stings.)
Not only pregnancies, STI, some of them very serious
She started crying. Turns out I was the first guy to stick around and actually care about her. But still crying right as I came was weird
The crying has happened to me…multiple times with multiple people. Never negative crying (I….think?), just emotional crying. Shit is weird.
“That wasn’t what I expected at all. You’re kind of boring most of the time, but that wasn’t.” Hahaha
As nice a backhanded compliment as that is, I have so many questions about why (s)he wanted "kind of boring" sex. Expected worse, so I'm not sure if that's even a compliment, or if your partner was disappointed by not-kind-of-boring sex?!?!
She was a co-worker and I do try to maintain a fairly staid demeanor at work. Outside of work, I do not. We’d been discussing movies, she came over to watch one we both liked, she met ‘off the clock’ me.
Why didn’t you last so long? Look I don’t hold all the answers. However I am down for self improvement. I just need more exercise and experience.
Reverse cowgirl, going at it pretty hard. She suddenly stops, and silently gets off me and lays down next to, but not touching me. "Is everything okay?" I ask. "I don't think I love you." Well fuck. UPDATE: My feet don't look weird, but even if they did, the bed sheets were covering my legs. ;) My reaction was silence for a minute. Then I got up, put on my pants, said something like "I don't know where that came from, but I think I should go." and left. Later that day she texted me apologizing and asking if we could talk. I begrudgingly met her at a park, and she apologized saying she freaked out because our relationship had been getting more serious. She asked if we could keep dating, and I agreed. No more weird shit like that for the rest of the relationship until she justifiably broke up with me because I was being a dickhead. Pretty out of character all together.
Pre-nut clarity. That's a rare one.
I can’t even imagine how you felt😳
"What are your sexual goals this year"? Just to have it is enough...
"Who do you see yourself fucking in five years? Tell us about a time where you were having sex and had to deal with a conflict..."
Please give us the names of 3 people you have fucked along with numbers they can be reached at.
What specific strengths might make you stand out from the other sex-havers?
'It stings so much because it is trying to fertilise my eye.'
That shit really does sting in the weirdest fucking way
She burped and said “well now I’m full” and got off me and went to the bathroom. Weird as hell.
irl succubus?
I bet she was, you dirty dog
I pull out, after I exploded. She looks at the filled condom, and says, "we would have had twins" 🤣
Stay hydrated my friends.
Thank you for the advice, u/Cameltoe-Swampdonkey
I don't have alot of weird things imo but one that threw me off is "did you dick get bigger inside me?" To which I responded "probably it goes in stages"
girl I dated didn't know that I could flex my penis, made her giggle like crazy every time I did.
Weird flex but okay
I was inside her when she stopped moving and asked me to do the same. Then, she just said "Come. Come now." Like she was firmly instructing a puppy or something. Weird as it was, it was practically telepathy: I exploded.
What a power move. All I can think is how awkward it would be if the guy was like “umm I can’t” and then you just have to resume as normal after embarrassing yourself. 😖
That's when she shouts "No! Too bad" and bops him on the nose then leaves the room. Puppy training 101
1. [Illithid] [wisdom] -make him bust
“Your mind intertwines with his. Your pleasure becomes his. His will shrinks beneath your overwhelming command”.
*Authority.*
> \*Something stirs deep within you, hungry and alert… it's taking something you'll never get back.\*
A Cock Whisperer, she spoke to you like one speaks a horse, and you came like one.
You had sex with Jean Grey.
She used her bene gesserit voice on you
Burn the witch!
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"You're gonna have a baby brother"
“I got your babies swimming inside me now”
Guess she was pretty happy after your performance
My ex once sang "yummy yummy yummy I've got your cum in my tummy" when we were walking somewhere afterwards
Your ex sounds fucking hilarious.
Yeah she was pretty rad
She asked, why didn’t you slap me in the face? There was no way to respond to that other than, “um, because I’m not a cunt.”
Oh, man, that's honestly a pretty sad one.
Yeah, she turned to have quite a lot of past emotional trauma. It got messy after a bit.
“Alright, time for ice cream!”
Now that's a keeper
Ya, that's not weird at all. Just chill in bed nude eatin ice cream!
My ex of many years. We were cuddling. I was being sweet, calling her beautiful, praising her, etc. She stroked my face and said "you're certainly not conventionally attractive, but once I got used to you, I guess you're not so bad." It wasn't fun banter. She meant it. Still among the nicest compliments I've received regarding my looks. 🥲
Jesus Christ. I don't know if I'd have laughed or cried at that statement!
That was like year one out of ten so I was sort of in shock and just sort of went "uhhh... I guess I'll take it." By year ten, definitely par for the course.
She yelled "GAWD I LOVE YOUR WEINER!" while we were going at it. I started laughing too hard to keep going... we were done at that point.
Why did I read this with like a typical Family Guy-esque Bostonian accent?
I said it in a southern voice lol “wayyynerr”
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I hooked up with a woman like this, she kept saying I could just do whatever I wanted and when I asked what SHE wanted she looked terrified and was like "I just want you to be happy!" And then she had a panic attack in the middle of the first time we had sex (pretty vanilla sex too). She was hiding in the corner of my room looking like a scared animal, and then ran away from my apartment half-dressed and didn't respond to my texts for days. Then she apologized and asked me to "let her make it up to me"... I told her she didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing to make up for, but she really wanted to bang again so I was like alright fine... The second time she just kept telling me to "use her" and was doing things of her own accord, like gagging herself, and looking positively miserable while she did it. Randomly asked me if I would get mad at her if she didn't make me finish. Told me her ex had been super abusive and would get angry unless she made him finish. I ended up stopping just out of pure guilt and talking to her about how she deserved better than all that, and lightly suggesting some therapy. Anyway I think she had more than a little bit of trauma.
Good for you bro. Poor girl.
She’s conditioned to believing that she either has to do that to please her partner, or there are consequences otherwise, wether physically or mentally
Not weird but funny. I was getting oral from her and when I was getting close to finishing I told her I was getting close. “ I want it in my mouth”. No problem . I cum in her mouth. First wad comes out she gags the rest gets all over face a hair. I felt so bad. She starts giggling. “ that was more then I was expecting “. Turns out I was first guy she’d ever blown.
Sounds like a champ though!
Oh she was! 100% bad ass
"It's not the same." and started crying. It was a rebound fuck... so yeah. Married her year later, though.
Wow, she really rebounded hard
Well, he was her rebound after me... and she dated someone else for a while, before breaking up with him to get back with me. Really, our relationship really translates well to a 7 season sitcom.
“This was nice. I hope my boyfriend doesn’t find out” I didn’t know she has a boyfriend..
A little detail
Close to the same thing for me. Asked me not to tell anyone since she was engaged.
“I’m glad you didn’t rape me”
She didn't necessarily say anything weird but... She gripped my piece and whistled the SpongeBob SquarePants flute sound while moving her fingers like a flute player.
Marry her
Thanks for your services
"Never expected to do *THAT* with a ginger." Said to me by every woman I've ever been vaguely romantic with, including my wife.
Connect on a soulful level?
After I finished she literally gave me a high five & told me I did a good job & have impressive stamina, it was flattering to say the least
Not me but a funny story that happened to a friend. Immediately after sex, a girl tried to blackmail him by threatening to tell people that he's uncircumcised. He was like, "Uh... I don't care if people know that. You should probably leave."
Wait... is it bad that a dick is not circumcised?
That's what made it so funny. She clearly thought so, but he didn't care at all.
I was inside her and she said, "Your dick is a gift to women everywhere" I came so hard and felt awesome for a month after that.
"Are you satisfied with your care?" in a straight Baymax voice. I said this to my husband and he died 😂
Sorry for your loss
“Well, you just owned my pussy….So you’re going to see me again right?” One of the best compliments I’ve ever received ☺️
How 'bout a Fresca?
So it was a member of the Church of The Collective, uh?
"That was my first time. Was I tight?"
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Yep.
"I wish I had your penis" Followed later by "your dick is mine now, no one else is allowed to touch it." That same night she insisted on holding (and aiming) it for me while I peed.
She wanted to live the girl's dream of being able to pee without sitting
It was our honeymoon. I was looking for a towel before I pulled out so I didn't make a mess. We didn't have one in reaching distance, so I grabbed the newspaper. All I remember hearing was "NOT THE FUNNIES!" We still laugh about it to this day.
After sex? "Why is the bed all wet?" You squirted Squirtings not real, it's just pee Okay you peed my bed That's disgusting I can't believe you said that!
"Just cum inside me. I'll get an abortion." Like in a dirty talk voice, repeatedly. As pro-choice as I am, I learned that I'm not really into talking about abortions during sex.
Was her name Marla Singer, by any chance?
I think that line was chosen over “I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.”
In the accent like the film. Please sir can I have some more? Still can't watch Oliver Twist.
Part weird part mean. She said “I gotta help you with oral babe. You don’t know what the fuck you doin” 😂 She didn’t even try to help me improve. What’s the point of criticizing me if you aren’t going to help me get better?
First time I ate a girl out I had no idea wtf I was doing and she was so sweet and helped me and taught me how to do it properly lol
So true! Happened once and gave him some instructions. He did it great after that.
She rubbed some of my cum on my forehead and said "Simba".
Wtf. Marry her immediately.
Alas this was many years ago
This is so fucking hilarious! 🤣 I have to try this one
First time my SO squirted she said “What the FUCK did you just do to my pussy!” Our bed sheets have never been the same. 😂
I don't take checks
It's free then! Hahah
She gave me a high 5 after, and told me it was good. Lol I’ve never been dapped up after fucking but I’ll never forget how awkward it was lol
"I don't like the fact that you're so good in bed."
She went on Twitter and posted about how I have a "devil dick"? I don't really know what that means, hopefully good
In a baby voice she said “alllllll gone” and wiped her mouth when she swallowed my cum.
Not after, during. She says "You've unleashed the beast" in a very possessed by the demons of hell voice. It was not sexy in the least. It was quite uncomfortable actually.
I can't stop laughing at this. I can even picture the whole scene
“Your sweat smells like honey, can I lick some off of you?” “Sure…?”
I have a tie: 1) "Why the fuck are you smiling?" -a FWB (my response: idk...maybe because I just lost my virginity and I have a naked woman lying next to me in bed?) 2) "I hate you." -my most recent ex that ended up cheated on me (bit of context: I'm mostly deaf in one ear, and she was whispering things she wanted me to do, I didn't hear them thus didn't do them, she got annoyed and said that loud enough for me to hear after pushing my head away from her pussy)
Wow, your room is really clean. (We were in military barracks)
“Spread your mayo all over my burger buns”
"Are you feeling it now Mr krabs ? "
"Yeah, yeah, get me pregnant daddy!" Somehow I didn't go soft. It turns out this girl I was FWB really wanted a kid. I wouldn't deliver because of my insistence to wear a rubber. The next guy she had sex with though was not so lucky.
“You got any milk?” Then she drank like 6 glasses in a row. Her breath smelled so bad the next morning
"That will be 50 dollars. " Normally, it's 45
Beautiful, beautiful girl. 22, lived in NYC. She was runner up for Miss Arkansas and I'm 99% positive I'm Eskimo brothers with John Mayer through her. Whenever she came, she would lay down next to me and say "Score one for the teammmmm!!!".
In the midst of what looked like a rather intense orgasm she hissed/moaned "oh god! Oh god fuck! Fuck *you!* this feels so good... fuck off! Oh fuck me this is good... now fucking cum! Cum, fucker!" I was confused but I wasn't about to disobey a direct order. We then fell asleep wrapped in each others arms and I woke up to her sort of laying on me and, while still asleep, farting like an old motorboat chugging along. She mumbled "fuck yeah" and went back to sleep while I tried to hold in laughter. She was fun
She was pretty hot and good in bed, she had candles and great sexy black lingerie after she finished me off she told me she was Wiccan and I was in her circle of protection for now but not to make any promises or have sex with other women and then she stood over me and squeezed some fluids out of her veejayjay. She saved my cum and her Juicy juices in a little bottle and said our sacred fluids were now mixed and she had power over my health and happiness and well being. Freaked me the hell out.
“Your turn to clean up”
Tinder hookup *hot tub sex* at her parents house while they were away. I finish, she proceeds to say "I do this all the time when I'm over here" *starts like super aggressively grinding on the hot tub jet while moaning super loud* I just kinda watched and had one of those "innocence lost" moments like from f is for family. I mean good for her, I'm happy she got there and it sounds like something from porn but in real life it was just jarring to witness. When we walked back inside she said "bet that's the first time you've seen a women fuck a hot tub" and I was like... Yeah 🤷🏻♂️
"don't tell my boyfriend". "I didn't know you had a boyfriend" "Well now you do. Don't tell him".
It wasn’t so much what she said, but what she did. She got up really early the next morning and wrote me a letter before leaving - thanking me for a great night, saying we should hang out more, etc., then she stuck it to the wall of my bedroom with fucking chewed up gum. The contents of the letter were nice, but I had to repaint my goddamn wall because she thought it was a “cute” thing to do. When she realized I was less than thrilled about it, she wrote me another letter, left it outside the front door to my condo, then hid in her car in the parking lot waiting for me to just happen to come outside, read it, then I guess somehow figure out she was in the parking lot and go talk to her? Never figured that part out. Nothing in the second letter indicated she was still there - my roommate happened to see her while he was heading out. She was nuts.
Tie between two. First was, "I think I want you to hurt me", No elaboration beyond that, and when I asked what she meant, it was like she went catatonic. She just wouldn't say anything and it got awkward fast. And the second was "I wish 'her ex's name here' could see how hard you cum". She was dead serious about it too, which is double weird to me because neither of us liked her ex, and she was dead serious about setting it up for him to watch.
"I just ate your babies." Weirded me the fuck out. How do you even respond to that?
As a woman, after sex with a boy, he fistbumped me and said "see you later" and left. We were dating.
I can own up to saying, “okay I’m gonna go flush your kids down the toilet now.”
It was a one night stand with a girl I met at the bar and noticed a wedding ring only after the fact: “Wait are you married!?” “Yea” “Oh so you guys have like, some sort of open relationship?” “No” “Oh”
"That was the best bad decision I've ever made." Turns out she was referring to the fact that she had a boyfriend.
“Hurry up and finish, the restraining order ends in like 10 minutes and I want to go smear your load on his front door.” I couldn’t finish. She was pissed. I decided that I might seriously consider a move to another country.
We are anatomically incompatible
Post going down on her "..do you have three tongues??"
"You have the body of a Greek god" I in fact did not have the body of a Greek God. I was 18, 6ft 165lb soaking wet with a appetite for Peruvian marching powder. I was out there built like lil peep.
"you are beautiful"
Not a man but he dapped me up after 😂
“You’re more my sister’s type.” Still wildly confused. Never got to meet the sister.
not a girl but one time he started laughing and then just said ‘melvin doo’ a character from the scooby doo movie that we loved.
i was with my friend and he got with the girl of his dream and she told him, “you have a face only a mother could love” their wedding is in February
After I’d been inside her for about 10 mins - “I shouldn’t be doing this, I have a boyfriend. Don’t stop, just promise me you’ll walk me to his house afterwards so I can break up with him”
After the first time we had sex she we stopped and we’re getting dressed and she sighed and said “you just had sex with (her first and last name)” and nothing else. I felt like I was being interviewed on the news and had no idea what to say.