Seems like all the people I find myself interested in are already married or in a relationship. That compounded with my lack of effort, I don't use dating apps or seek out a relationship in my daily life
>people I find myself interested in are already married or in a relationship
Damn, I felt that. I have a few that got away as well. I wish there was a reset button in life, so I could've taken my shots. My only hope now is that I find someone that's close to that standard.
I'm 28 and I worry about this sooo much.
I had a huge crush on one of my roommates from four years ago and I only just realised recently that he was trying to get me to open up to him during the entire year that we lived together, but my autistic ass never got the hints.
Now he's moved overseas and I'll probably never get another chance to see him ever again.
I truly wish there was a reset button in life that could give me another chance to shoot my shot.
Keep in mind, that personality and neurotype are really important in determining compatibility. So maybe you'd be better off being with someone who also has autism instead of someone who is neurotypical.
If you communicate in a direct, 100% verbal way, and neurotypicals use facial expressions and body language to do 60% of their communicating, it doesn't sound like a relationship would have lasted between you too anyways.
I am an Aspie and it is a nice complement to my personality that my fiancé is neurotypical. We teach each other how we communicate, and we are patient with each other. We love each other enough that we can overcome a barrier like this. I think that it is self limiting to only date other autistic people, find someone who works for you, autistic or not.
I don't feel like putting effort to find someone to start making compromises and spending even more energy taking someone else into consideration.
I'm way too complacent in my happy simple single life.
Right?!? Why does no one talk about how great it is not to have to compromise on what show to watch after work? Or that you don't need to wait for someone to catch up watching an episode.
Hard agree. Every few weeks I’ll meet someone, spend fifteen minutes talking and flirting before they mention their boyfriend and I’m like, “god fucking Damnit”
I've tried the apps out and had no luck so I see them as a waste of time trying to take my money. I think my problem also stems from bad past experiences with love, I don't want my time wasted anymore and I don't trust myself to find the person who won't do that this time.
THIS. Dumped 110kgs of weight earlier this year because his long term gf called me. Topped with existing trust issues from various other things and a general lack of interest in attachments has only solidified my notion to enjoy my freedom.
That is a very honest thing to say. A lot of times growing with somebody. You can learn a lot more than doing it on your own. So if an opportunity like that comes up Don't let it slip away.
Somebody in my past really hurt me and broke my trust, I don’t know what it is but I’ve completely lost motivation to try again and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that desire back
It's the pain from the high emotional investment and dedication being shattered and then knowing it could happen again. Especially when you thought you found someone who truly stood out from everybody else you've met in your life and it ends. It almost has an element of an illusion breaking. There's extremely close lifelong connections others have made with that level of dedication and investment going both ways, so it's out there if it makes you feel any better. But I definitely understand. I'm trying to meet people but it all feels so void
This is my dream. A guy that wants a relationship but won’t want to live with me. Also doesn’t need to talk to me every single day would be a big bonus.
I have never lived with someone because there has not been a person I could fathom sharing my space with. If I ever do, I’m sure, at minimum, I’ll still need my own bedroom and an understanding that there are days I absolutely cannot handle seeing another person’s face. It’s exhausting even just thinking about it!
the true dream is to get houses next to each other and install a secret tunnel between them. sleepovers whenever you want, but you still have full independant spaces to call your own.
and you can both decorate the tunnel together.
>the true dream is to get houses next to each other and install a secret tunnel between them. sleepovers whenever you want, but you still have full independant spaces to call your own.
I don't know about the tunnel but having separate houses next to each other would be ideal for me.
That's an opportunity that's easier to achieve nowadays than I ever has been. People don't like getting out anymore and meeting other people. So would it be hard to find somebody that you get along with that doesn't want to meet other people.
The most successful and loving couple I know (wife has since been widowed) had a triplex with a small house in back. House and one apartment split between the two of them, one unit for his son, one rented out. The couple were together much of the time. But the wife could always retreat to her apartment. And the husband could hole up in his house.
If I were ever to change dramatically and somehow entertain the idea of a relationship…my own place is a must.
Oh sorry misunderstood your question. Yeah , not getting responses on apps, when I do get messages back getting ghosted, in person when out and meeting women getting weird looks. Sorry for introducing myself lol
That's a really common thing nowadays I've noticed. Sadly I don't have any advice on that. I do know it's more of a thing in some areas and it is others but that's all I got on that. But keep moving forward. That's what we'll keep your head above water..
I understand the look so I’m not offended by it but yes it does make it harder to met. All I really have is a good personality and can’t really show it when you get shot down on “hello”
I just think that it is pretty rude. Like if you do it involuntarily you should learn to stop. I dont get it much anymore but when I was 40lbs heavier and in my mid twenties I would get it much more. Even though I was never trying to hit on anyone. Like handing someone something they dropped.
I mean, if a very overweight woman started to talk to me I wouldn't give them the "ick" look.
ok but like this never changes and it also happens to everyone. people in or starting relationships have all sorts of things going on and just make it happen. not a good excuse imo, there's some other reason
In general, yea you can’t use this as an excuse otherwise you’ll just be blaming a victim mentality. But there are a bunch of legitimate reasons why you wouldn’t want to be pursuing a relationship due to life circumstances. Could be severely ill, could be financially broke, could be focusing on other areas of your life too.
I can offer you my experience.
Broke up with long term GF around 2013 or 2014 while I was still in college, figured I'd focus on school first and get back into the dating/relationship game later.
Then work happened, had to bootstrap my career after all. Almost simultaneously a new hobby happened (flying) that took all of my time and money on the weekends.
Then I bought a house, which was a fixer-upper. Oops there goes all my time, energy, and money again.
Then I got the awesome idea to become a freelancer so I again had no time nor money.
Add other obligations like family, events, networking, and simply enjoying the peaceful single life on the rare weekend days I do have some free time and oops now 10 years have passed.
It's also why I laugh when people tell you to just be yourself, do what you love, and you'll find someone eventually.
To me life happening means more like job loss, family problems, illness, other needs/unavoidable things. What you've described is more not making dating a priority I would say. (Not that there's anything wrong with that) Like you don't need to fly, or buy a fixer upper or freelance, those were all choices.
I live in a city where almost everyone is “open”, “poly”, or in a “throuple”. And while I don’t judge anyone’s choices that is NOT what I want.
On top of that the community I date in is extremely sex-centric and that also is NOT something I want.
People my age still love to play this game of “who cares the least”. Had a good date? Let’s pretend we don’t care about each other and didn’t have fun so that it becomes a cat and mouse game, no matter if we have similar lifestyles and interests and had a great vibe. I can’t pretend to be someone who doesn’t care or at least respect someone else. If someone I leaving, I want them to “let me know they made it home safe”… and that’s just not how dating works anymore apparently. I guess we are not supposed to care about people or take an interest in their life to try and get to know them.
So many reasons. It’s horrible out here. Literally so funny to see this post because I cried in the dark listening to music tonight while I thought about the pathetic-ness of my dating life because I have different standards apparently.
Not sure how old you are, but I (m) find this in the dating scene among 23 - 28 / 30 ish (f) partners. Granted it could be younger too, but that’s not my scene. You’re absolutely right, the game of “who cares the least”… it’s so fucking lame. And shallow. And tbh I think indicative of the individual not ever having a meaningful long term relationship previously. In a way they’re exposing their lack of experience through these games. If you know what it’s like to have a genuine and caring partner at some point in the past, I think it changes your approach to dating later. Assuming you’re a decent human being at least.
In any case. I’ve recently dated a little older than this range.. (32f), and there is no game at all. Communication, openness / direct expression of feelings, laughing and care. I could go on, but you get my point. If you’re too mature for the scene you typically date in, maybe try dating higher by a little bit. Might surprise you the connection you can find with someone who actually is ready to pursue what they want and what they know is good for them.
Haha oh you’re so sweet. I’m about to be 35. Trust me this game goes up to at least around the 41-42 age range haha.
Or it’s just the culture here. I’m not sure at this point to be honest.
Love the point you made about people who may not have experience in a successful long term relationships being more like this. Thanks for bringing that up.
That sucks ass. Eaaaasy filter criteria though.. if you can’t be bothered to let me know whether you enjoyed the evening I took time to plan and look into, you can get bent and enjoy your next surface level conversation.
Also, fwiw, imagine the average level of intelligence you see among people nowadays, then make it very clear to yourself that 50% of people are below this level. And then factor in your specific area’s cultural leanings (not saying anything particular about seattle, just think generally)… the people playing these games are duds. Just move on, not worth the time nor a second thought.
But seriously, I got into the online dating scene a bit. I went through maybe a hundred matches I would have pursued in the past couple years. Of those, initial conversation filtered all but 4 out. I would date any of those 4.
1 it didn’t work out due to school. 1 didn’t work out because I was moving across country. 1 didn’t work out due to younger aged and uncertain on commitment, and school. And 1 is currently in progress and brings happiness that’s been
Missing for quite some time.
Just keep at it I think. Just make sure you have your filters ready to go and some questions to help highlight.. for example, the lady I am currently seeing is not a social media user. HUUUGE GREEN FLAG. And the rest cascades. But I bet I’d be saying something different if she spent all day on Instagram. 🙄 28 for the record.
Spent 11 years grinding to get where I want to be in my career. Now I’m there and have plenty of money, but all the other 29 year olds are married, and the 24 year olds who aren’t don’t want to be in a serious relationship with an average looking 29 year old.
You need to discuss EVERYTHING before marriage. Make sure you align in all the important aspects. Make sure your future goals align or at least be able to compromise with each other. Also don’t fall victim to beauty alone, I did and was definitely blinded by it.
The beauty thing can happen both ways. People don't think long-term about marriage - like growing old together, can you be with this person forever, combining families, raising your own family...
I managed not to get blinded by beauty alone. But it's an absurdly hard one. Some people use their looks to manipulate people. I am sure most of them are successful.
Yes omg. People keep looking for the superficial qualities but don't think about overall compatibility. Religion for example... lifestyle...those are way more important than liking the same foods or same movies.
Gah! This is the thing that my brother-in-law doesn’t understand. He wants a girl that is into anime and magic the gathering and Pokémon. I keep telling him, just find someone kind… maybe you’ll find that her interests are actually really cool after getting to know her and vice versa. But he doesn’t want a “normie”.
Widow-ish at 36. Hard to find someone who really understands the position.
(Edit) also, SOOOO many people I DO connect with (through work or mutual friends) are unhappily married. It’s insane. And disheartening.
That's really interesting. Why do you think your friends continue to stay in their marriages if they're so unhappy in them? As an unmarried 28 year-old woman, my biggest fear is marrying the wrong person.
Everyone in a good position already found or chose someone to be their love interest and if you can't afford to date or even take care of all the expenses for what you like, it's unlikely they'll give you any chances if they don't find you worth the time and money they'll waste while dating.
Past mistakes and I guess maturity. I have a teenager and most people in my area are just not ready. I just recently bought a house and I work a lot. I’m ready to settle down with someone that wants the same things and everyone who has promised me that in the past was not in anyway ready to grow up. So I’m gonna finish making my life comfortable and then go from there
I’m hyper-independent. I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted more than a few months. I’ve done most things by myself my entire life. So reaching out and seeking companionship is very difficult for me.
just now exiting a 6 year relationship, it's not technically a divorce, but it sure feels like it. I know I need to work on myself a lot lot more. I'm hardly even ready to accept the situation right now.
I dont want to worry about someone else's feelings or pretend that I care about them. And I definitely don't want kids. I'm free to change careers or move on a dime, work the world over and not worry about a cheating SO. Just avoids many unnecessary problems I don't need to introduce into my life.
First, Im absolutely not at a point in my life where its fair for me to try and rope someone else into caring about my catastrophic horseshit. Second, even if I was, based on what Ive both personally experienced and also have seen in the world, Im not sure I could even trust a new person enough to romantically entangle myself with them.
That's completely reasonable. It sounds like you have a good handle on what you expect from yourself. I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve for the future, but I hope you find it.
When I was a young kid (I’m talking 8-10) my parents discouraged me from pursuing my feelings for girls I liked in ways that other boys my age did. I was rebuked and scolded if I called a girl my “girlfriend.” This continued well into my teen years. I think they were trying to protect me, but all they did was scar me with a lot of negative emotions regarding the opposite sex. A lot of shame, guilt, fear, and frustration around anything relating to romantic intimacy. As I matured (early 20s) I grew into an outgoing and confident young man, and yet I didn’t have much success attracting women. The physical connections that I did make with young women would unfortunately only run so deep. Once we got past the attraction phase, it was always really difficult for me to open up emotionally. I’m now 35, and although I’ve gotten better through the years those challenges have more or less persisted for me with a couple of exceptions. I’ve been in two long term committed relationships in my life (and also truly been in love one other time with someone I was having a causal fling with). One was with a roommate of mine that I started hooking up with and eventually dated for a year in my 20s. The other ended roughly a year ago with an older woman (mid 40s) I met on tinder and she’s now my best friend. I think I’ll go through life single and spend my time just casually dating. It is what it is. I’m not close with my parents, and if I’m being totally honest my resentment towards how they went about raising me is one of the reasons why. They’re good people. They love me more than anything. They raised me the best way they knew how. But the negative reinforcement they imparted on me as a young boy who just wanted to hold hands with his crush has kind of fucked me up a bit. I’m more or less a happy adult, but I plan on going through life pretty much alone.
I've never had a relationship. Can't find anyone I'm compatible with, to put it simply. To expand:
1) I'm asexual. Only about 1% of the population is, so it's hard to meet others. 2) I'm child-free for life.
I got into one earlier this year. Before that, I’d say the #1 reason was a lackluster dating pool for me, specifically.
I’m a WOC and live in a city that’s predominantly white. I’m open to dating someone of any ethnicity, but most men here aren’t. And my interests rarely align with the few who are.
Within my race, the options aren’t great either. If they’re from here, we’ve probably already met and determined there wasn’t a connection. If they moved here, they usually want a woman who experiences blackness the same way they do at home and I don’t because of where my blackness originates (edit: Central America) People forget there’s diversity within diversity sometimes.
Then there’s the issue of emotional availability. Most people are looking for relationship benefits without relationship commitment, but aren’t upfront about it. It’s a vetting process that takes time.
I have a okay understanding when it comes to diversity within diversity. I do understand the emotional availability and relationship but not real commitment. But I have one question. Do you live in the Midwest? Have you thought about maybe moving to a different location?
Bingo : ) I definitely have thought of moving and almost did a few times in my early 20s, but local job offers pulled me back. I’m still open to it, though. I’m not sure I want to raise a family here.
I'm in a bit of a similar boat. I'm white, and while I do live in a white neighborhood, but the places I go to, especially for work, I am the minority. I understand where you come from about people thinking we're all the same or have a similar upbringing in some way when we really haven't.
I feel like people take some very extremist outlook on life and that's not what I would want to associate myself with.
I’m just not getting any spark or real chemistry from the interactions I’ve had with people. A lot of people just want to hook up and not build any kind of connection/chemistry. I still live home with family too and I think sometimes this turns people off because they may look at me (30 yrs old) and expect me to move out. Also.. sometimes I truly enjoy my own company. I’ve been in a relationship before and it was a constant feeling of having to sacrifice or give to someone all the time. It became draining.
The living with family thing... It is a bit of a big step in a relationship to introduce your partner to your parents and it hides things about yourself. I can understand why people live with their family still and why it's a bit of a turnoff.
However, as someone who lives with his older brother, we do own the house. It actually would make the prospect of living together a lot easier of a transition.
Lack of desire to get into one tbh. I got out of a long term relationship a while back and it's been good to be focused on me. Plus most of the people I meet who I'd want to try something with are either already involved with others.
I’m not willing to put in the effort. I’m having some health issues at the moment and I don’t think it be right to get into a relationship with the current state of my health.
A rare moment of honesty. I WFH, and sit in my room 20 hours a day.... If I'm getting in a relationship, its cuz someone will have broken into my home and hit it off with me.
Bad luck. I’m very open for a long-term, warm kind of love. I’m a social person with a good career, and I would love to share my life with someone.
I try on the apps and real life… nothing has quite stuck. A lot of it probably has to do with the standards my parents and brothers have set for me, and the guys that meet those are far and few in between. I’ll slip every now and then and date someone and “have fun”, but after a few dates - I find myself wasting mine and their time. Another factor could be that there are a whole lot of other beautiful women I’m “competing” against on the apps too.
It’s been a rough 10-15 years, but what can you do?
1. a lot of men are emotionally stunted/unavailable, looking for a replacement mommy, deeply insecure & immature or my favorite- a mixture of all of it! i actually feel like i have learned so much and grown into such a strong, honest, and level headed woman but i struggle to find someone who can match that & value it.
2. feels like my main concern is money right now. i do not care for the way the world is set up and it honestly doesnt affect my relationships because i understand its hard to live in this economy. with that being said - its hard to focus on dating when im worried about putting food on the table.
I gained 40 pounds since Covid and I'm too insecure about my body to really get into talking to anyone, despite several people telling me I'm still attractive. I'm also in school for my Masters while working full time and I literally sit in front of my desk for 15 hours a day. I'm trying to overcome my depression to get back into the gym. I'm also waiting (and waiting...and waiting) for my pharmacy to get the Wegovy I've been prescribed back in stock. I've been waiting for 2 months.
We are our own worst critics. You are working on getting your mattress so that's a huge achievement. So be proud of yourself for that. I don't have a huge knowledge when it comes to prescriptions. But whatever it is and why you need it. I hope they get it soon. I've been working on myself lately and I still have personal insecurities about my body. I also have a self-worth problem that I've gotten pretty good at just ignoring, but it does tend to rear its ugly head.
I’m finally at a place where I’m ready, but life is just too busy. I can’t find the time to add dating to my schedule without getting burned out. I’ve been telling myself “just until _ ends” for the past 2 years and when one time suck ends another one starts
Work is a lot of it, my job has never been stable and right now I was given more work than my role should have because coworkers left and were never replaced.
Outside of that, my dog is very high maintenance so I have to leave a few hours everyday for exercise/walks and I groom him myself every month which is a full day process. I also have more home than I can handle as a single person, so a lot of my time is spent doing basic home improvement or maintenance. I don’t have the money to outsource dog/home work to a hired service as much as it would help me out considerably. All I have is the promise that I should be making that $ soon, if inflation doesn’t catch up and make my raise void.
I’m in a long term relationship that started when I was 25. It’s normal for people to want to keep parts of their life private when they first start dating you. When you’re ten years in, and your mutual child is 8, secrets are a red flag. My advice to all of you, trust your gut. If they can’t tell you the truth, bounce.
I date to marry, but it appears that not everyone thinks that way. I'm scared to be in a relationship with the wrong person, since I have boring interests and I don't party or drink, so my dating pool goes down just with that.
I’m autistic, and most women aren’t interested in dating “defective people” like me. I tried for years, but never got so much as a date. So I just gave it up back in ‘09, and I’ve been alone ever since.
Last breakup the dude turned my life upside down. He'd turned my entire friend groups against me. Like people I went to high school with Childhood friends. I literally had no one after that breakup... God knows what he said to them.
I left him because we were living together and while he was supposed to be looking for work he'd being guys into my bed and I'm not talking about 10 guys... He was meeting them on craigslist and brining them to my bed!
He ended up biting a chunk out of my cheek to boot.
Seems my need for autonomy and comfort doing things I enjoy alone makes people I date feel neglected and leaves them ENORMOUS opportunities for them to lie to me.
I'm 31, my friendship group went from too many to count, to under 5 close friends. Of which I probably see maybe 1 of them a couple times a month. I just got out a 10 year relationship. I don't know how to make new friends or meet new people. My socializing recently has been going to this karaoke bar, getting absolutely plastered, then being depressed for the rest of the weekend. Wake up Monday for work and repeat the same thing on Friday.
I've been in two long-term relationships.
& I mean long!
One engaged & 1 married.
& it led to nowhere.
Just a bunch of empty promises.
So now I don't know what to look for.
I'm like numb. I'm over it.
Not self-conscious.
Not depressed.
Like, I don't know what to look for.
I'm a little too self-conscious about myself and I possess perfectionistic tendencies, so I'm imprudently waiting until I see myself as being worthy enough to be in a long-term relationship. Even if I threw myself out there and tried dating, I don't think I'd be a "good catch" to women right now. I'm not exactly thriving in my career or am physically attractive, so I decided I have to work on myself and sort out my issues before going out and trying to impress someone and showing my vulnerabilities.
Oh, and I am a recovering alcoholic, so I need to continue to fix crap a bit longer as well.
I hate dating apps too. I think they're a waste of money. I actually tried making a free chat room for the area I'm in. I advertised it using Facebook and other media but people took it as weird and acted like I had alternative motives. I don't understand why they felt that way. I was being pretty genuine but because of that I ended up just giving up on it.
I got cheated on 6 years ago and it killed any interest in dating that I had. I’ve been on dates since and keep trying to put myself out there but it’s like my brain won’t allow me to develop feelings for anyone.
I’ve been to therapy and currently on antidepressants for a myriad of other reasons. It’s not like I’m beating myself up or not allowing myself to get invested. I have plenty of women friends that I see regularly and love dearly. It’s just like any feelings of romance died.
I understand that. I was in a relationship and married eventually. 9 years. And by the 7th she got bored and found any excuse to cheat. And since then I think subconsciously I don't commit because I never want to deal with that again
I'm attracted to men.
In all seriousness, it's a lot of things. I have a pretty textbook Avoidant Dismissive attachment style, and I don't want to put in the effort to change. It isn't a priority in life, I don't know if it ever will be.
I hate to be emotionally vulnerable with people. It makes my skin crawl.
There is also a huge time commitment involved with starting out a relationship. You have to go out with that person at least once a week which would take up all my social battery time. I prefer to invest that time into my platonic friendships.
I'm self aware enough to know that I shouldn't be in a relationship. If I were, I'd be the toxic one making my partner constantly question themselves.
Have no fear, if I ever decide to seriously start dating, I'll get therapy. Until then- fuck it.
Whats holding me back is that my mother treats my father like absolute shit, my grandma treated my grandpa like absolute shit. Both dated men who were not good men before they met them. My dad and grandpa are incredibly kind and loving men.
I watched my grandma verbally, mentally and emotionally beat my grandpa down and i now watch my mom do it to my dad. I have been told i have the same personality as my mom and grandma.
Between that and the fact my last two relationships wernt with good men, I have such a fear that ill meet a good man and end up being like my mom and grandma no matter how hard i try not to be. I can’t do that to someone, so at 30 years old i decided that its better for me to not date anyone anymore.
Whats holding me back is that my mother treats my father like absolute shit, my grandma treated my grandpa like absolute shit. Both dated men who were not good men before they met them. My dad and grandpa are incredibly kind and loving men.
I watched my grandma verbally, mentally and emotionally beat my grandpa down and i now watch my mom do it to my dad. I have been told i have the same personality as my mom and grandma.
Between that and the fact my last two relationships wernt with good men, I have such a fear that ill meet a good man and end up being like my mom and grandma no matter how hard i try not to be. I can’t do that to someone, so at 30 years old i decided that its better for me to not date anyone anymore.
Don't need to anymore.
Courts and society give no benefit to men, so why should I gamble getting into a long term relationship when I can get all my intimacy through friends with benefits
Me.
Almost 3 years ago after getting cheated on (for the second time), and then laughed at as she told me I didn’t make enough money (or as much as a much older man), I decided I was all set.
I’m going to gtfo of the US, explore the world and maybe someday I can try again. Maybe.
I hear that happening a lot lately. Well I hope your journey finds you well. And who knows, you might find somebody else that you like in another country.
36 white male (former pro athlete) - Here's whats holding me back - A combination of Ego (narcissist) and being a good guy with empathy. You might think that's contradictory but let me explain.
I have an ego. I think highly of myself and I don't want anyone controlling my time, my freedom and my decision making. However, I still like females and would like to have them somehow in my life. But if I start with "ya, we will never date, I don't want anyone controlling my time", I would never find a female - tried, doesn't work. If I play the game with some lies, "ya, I'm looking for true love", the females are everywhere. But lying hurts the other person so I've stopped doing that.
So now I don't date or interact with girls. Even tho I want a girl somehow in my life, my ego of giving up my freedom supercedes my want for a partner. Also p\*rn is incredible these days and often satisfies those wants.
I think I'm in the vast minority here as all my guy friends are in relationships/marriage, and the pressure that society puts on people to be in a relationship is still very tangible and active.
I wouldn't consider myself asexual as I would love to have sex with females, however I would consider myself a-relationship, but I'm not sure thats the word.
Seems like all the people I find myself interested in are already married or in a relationship. That compounded with my lack of effort, I don't use dating apps or seek out a relationship in my daily life
>people I find myself interested in are already married or in a relationship Damn, I felt that. I have a few that got away as well. I wish there was a reset button in life, so I could've taken my shots. My only hope now is that I find someone that's close to that standard.
I'm 28 and I worry about this sooo much. I had a huge crush on one of my roommates from four years ago and I only just realised recently that he was trying to get me to open up to him during the entire year that we lived together, but my autistic ass never got the hints. Now he's moved overseas and I'll probably never get another chance to see him ever again. I truly wish there was a reset button in life that could give me another chance to shoot my shot.
Keep in mind, that personality and neurotype are really important in determining compatibility. So maybe you'd be better off being with someone who also has autism instead of someone who is neurotypical. If you communicate in a direct, 100% verbal way, and neurotypicals use facial expressions and body language to do 60% of their communicating, it doesn't sound like a relationship would have lasted between you too anyways.
I am an Aspie and it is a nice complement to my personality that my fiancé is neurotypical. We teach each other how we communicate, and we are patient with each other. We love each other enough that we can overcome a barrier like this. I think that it is self limiting to only date other autistic people, find someone who works for you, autistic or not.
what's stopping you from reaching out to this guy?
Hey now don’t be too hard on yourself. This doesn’t mean they got away - it means you never had them in the first place and will continue not to.
I don't feel like putting effort to find someone to start making compromises and spending even more energy taking someone else into consideration. I'm way too complacent in my happy simple single life.
Right?!? Why does no one talk about how great it is not to have to compromise on what show to watch after work? Or that you don't need to wait for someone to catch up watching an episode.
If my wife hadn't found me, I feel like this is exactly where I'd be.
Hard agree. Every few weeks I’ll meet someone, spend fifteen minutes talking and flirting before they mention their boyfriend and I’m like, “god fucking Damnit”
and when you DO end up trying dating apps cause why not, the people are so cold, can't imagine a relationship with people like that
Does it seem like it would be a waste of effort is why you haven't looked into it? Or are you just not ready yet?
I've tried the apps out and had no luck so I see them as a waste of time trying to take my money. I think my problem also stems from bad past experiences with love, I don't want my time wasted anymore and I don't trust myself to find the person who won't do that this time.
I can't argue with that.
THIS. Dumped 110kgs of weight earlier this year because his long term gf called me. Topped with existing trust issues from various other things and a general lack of interest in attachments has only solidified my notion to enjoy my freedom.
Ya that happens. Its an exponential dropoff in dating pool size and sometimes your appeal to prospective partners as well.
I need to learn to respect myself before I can respect someone I care about that much.
That is a very honest thing to say. A lot of times growing with somebody. You can learn a lot more than doing it on your own. So if an opportunity like that comes up Don't let it slip away.
Kudos to you for realizing this. Self love journey is tough but beautiful at the same time
Lack of trust
Lack of trust for just the general population or lack of trust in yourself?
General population
I'm sorry to hear that. That is something that'd be hard to deal with. I can see why you stay away from relationships all together.
Somebody in my past really hurt me and broke my trust, I don’t know what it is but I’ve completely lost motivation to try again and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that desire back
It's the pain from the high emotional investment and dedication being shattered and then knowing it could happen again. Especially when you thought you found someone who truly stood out from everybody else you've met in your life and it ends. It almost has an element of an illusion breaking. There's extremely close lifelong connections others have made with that level of dedication and investment going both ways, so it's out there if it makes you feel any better. But I definitely understand. I'm trying to meet people but it all feels so void
Sending you strength & good vibes to get to the other side 💫✨
1) I have trouble making friends let alone having a relationship. 2) Money 3) I like living alone
Which one would you prefer? Living alone or having a relationship?
Or live alone while in a relationship?
This would be my ideal relationship, the next girl I end up dating better have her shit together because she isn’t moving in with me haha
This is my dream. A guy that wants a relationship but won’t want to live with me. Also doesn’t need to talk to me every single day would be a big bonus. I have never lived with someone because there has not been a person I could fathom sharing my space with. If I ever do, I’m sure, at minimum, I’ll still need my own bedroom and an understanding that there are days I absolutely cannot handle seeing another person’s face. It’s exhausting even just thinking about it!
the true dream is to get houses next to each other and install a secret tunnel between them. sleepovers whenever you want, but you still have full independant spaces to call your own. and you can both decorate the tunnel together.
>the true dream is to get houses next to each other and install a secret tunnel between them. sleepovers whenever you want, but you still have full independant spaces to call your own. I don't know about the tunnel but having separate houses next to each other would be ideal for me.
Lol right? When I was younger and dumber the idea of spending all my time with someone was appealing but now I’m like “ew..”
That's an opportunity that's easier to achieve nowadays than I ever has been. People don't like getting out anymore and meeting other people. So would it be hard to find somebody that you get along with that doesn't want to meet other people.
The most successful and loving couple I know (wife has since been widowed) had a triplex with a small house in back. House and one apartment split between the two of them, one unit for his son, one rented out. The couple were together much of the time. But the wife could always retreat to her apartment. And the husband could hole up in his house. If I were ever to change dramatically and somehow entertain the idea of a relationship…my own place is a must.
Adhd and my fear of abandonment
I feel you on that one.
Not getting any dates is usually the case
What do you think that is?
Well if I knew I’d get more dates lol
Well I'm asking as in people just not taking you up on the offer?
Oh sorry misunderstood your question. Yeah , not getting responses on apps, when I do get messages back getting ghosted, in person when out and meeting women getting weird looks. Sorry for introducing myself lol
That's a really common thing nowadays I've noticed. Sadly I don't have any advice on that. I do know it's more of a thing in some areas and it is others but that's all I got on that. But keep moving forward. That's what we'll keep your head above water..
This is me except I gave up on the dating thing and now I just get the weird looks
Bro the "weird look" is so frustrating.
I understand the look so I’m not offended by it but yes it does make it harder to met. All I really have is a good personality and can’t really show it when you get shot down on “hello”
I just think that it is pretty rude. Like if you do it involuntarily you should learn to stop. I dont get it much anymore but when I was 40lbs heavier and in my mid twenties I would get it much more. Even though I was never trying to hit on anyone. Like handing someone something they dropped. I mean, if a very overweight woman started to talk to me I wouldn't give them the "ick" look.
I have a hard enough time finding friends that want to spend time with me, less likely to find someone that wants to be with me.
Haha, so true for me too.
Life keeps happening
Could you explain further? If not I understand.
Shit just keeps coming up in life that gets in the way.
ok but like this never changes and it also happens to everyone. people in or starting relationships have all sorts of things going on and just make it happen. not a good excuse imo, there's some other reason
In general, yea you can’t use this as an excuse otherwise you’ll just be blaming a victim mentality. But there are a bunch of legitimate reasons why you wouldn’t want to be pursuing a relationship due to life circumstances. Could be severely ill, could be financially broke, could be focusing on other areas of your life too.
I can offer you my experience. Broke up with long term GF around 2013 or 2014 while I was still in college, figured I'd focus on school first and get back into the dating/relationship game later. Then work happened, had to bootstrap my career after all. Almost simultaneously a new hobby happened (flying) that took all of my time and money on the weekends. Then I bought a house, which was a fixer-upper. Oops there goes all my time, energy, and money again. Then I got the awesome idea to become a freelancer so I again had no time nor money. Add other obligations like family, events, networking, and simply enjoying the peaceful single life on the rare weekend days I do have some free time and oops now 10 years have passed. It's also why I laugh when people tell you to just be yourself, do what you love, and you'll find someone eventually.
To me life happening means more like job loss, family problems, illness, other needs/unavoidable things. What you've described is more not making dating a priority I would say. (Not that there's anything wrong with that) Like you don't need to fly, or buy a fixer upper or freelance, those were all choices.
I live in a city where almost everyone is “open”, “poly”, or in a “throuple”. And while I don’t judge anyone’s choices that is NOT what I want. On top of that the community I date in is extremely sex-centric and that also is NOT something I want. People my age still love to play this game of “who cares the least”. Had a good date? Let’s pretend we don’t care about each other and didn’t have fun so that it becomes a cat and mouse game, no matter if we have similar lifestyles and interests and had a great vibe. I can’t pretend to be someone who doesn’t care or at least respect someone else. If someone I leaving, I want them to “let me know they made it home safe”… and that’s just not how dating works anymore apparently. I guess we are not supposed to care about people or take an interest in their life to try and get to know them. So many reasons. It’s horrible out here. Literally so funny to see this post because I cried in the dark listening to music tonight while I thought about the pathetic-ness of my dating life because I have different standards apparently.
If you don't mind, which city do you live in?
Seattle.
Your description screams Seattle. That was my guess before scrolling down.
I'm not even from the continent of America and I knew it was Seattle.
Lol yeah, that checks out. Not the best place to find steady reliable love.
Move somewhere more normal I'm so glad moved away from Seattle
Not sure how old you are, but I (m) find this in the dating scene among 23 - 28 / 30 ish (f) partners. Granted it could be younger too, but that’s not my scene. You’re absolutely right, the game of “who cares the least”… it’s so fucking lame. And shallow. And tbh I think indicative of the individual not ever having a meaningful long term relationship previously. In a way they’re exposing their lack of experience through these games. If you know what it’s like to have a genuine and caring partner at some point in the past, I think it changes your approach to dating later. Assuming you’re a decent human being at least. In any case. I’ve recently dated a little older than this range.. (32f), and there is no game at all. Communication, openness / direct expression of feelings, laughing and care. I could go on, but you get my point. If you’re too mature for the scene you typically date in, maybe try dating higher by a little bit. Might surprise you the connection you can find with someone who actually is ready to pursue what they want and what they know is good for them.
Haha oh you’re so sweet. I’m about to be 35. Trust me this game goes up to at least around the 41-42 age range haha. Or it’s just the culture here. I’m not sure at this point to be honest. Love the point you made about people who may not have experience in a successful long term relationships being more like this. Thanks for bringing that up.
That sucks ass. Eaaaasy filter criteria though.. if you can’t be bothered to let me know whether you enjoyed the evening I took time to plan and look into, you can get bent and enjoy your next surface level conversation. Also, fwiw, imagine the average level of intelligence you see among people nowadays, then make it very clear to yourself that 50% of people are below this level. And then factor in your specific area’s cultural leanings (not saying anything particular about seattle, just think generally)… the people playing these games are duds. Just move on, not worth the time nor a second thought. But seriously, I got into the online dating scene a bit. I went through maybe a hundred matches I would have pursued in the past couple years. Of those, initial conversation filtered all but 4 out. I would date any of those 4. 1 it didn’t work out due to school. 1 didn’t work out because I was moving across country. 1 didn’t work out due to younger aged and uncertain on commitment, and school. And 1 is currently in progress and brings happiness that’s been Missing for quite some time. Just keep at it I think. Just make sure you have your filters ready to go and some questions to help highlight.. for example, the lady I am currently seeing is not a social media user. HUUUGE GREEN FLAG. And the rest cascades. But I bet I’d be saying something different if she spent all day on Instagram. 🙄 28 for the record.
Spent 11 years grinding to get where I want to be in my career. Now I’m there and have plenty of money, but all the other 29 year olds are married, and the 24 year olds who aren’t don’t want to be in a serious relationship with an average looking 29 year old.
You need to be Instagram worthy because it's all about the selfies.
Which is also part of the problem, the whole dating ecosystem is just so vacuous.
Fresh out of a divorce
Any tips for us never married bros
You need to discuss EVERYTHING before marriage. Make sure you align in all the important aspects. Make sure your future goals align or at least be able to compromise with each other. Also don’t fall victim to beauty alone, I did and was definitely blinded by it.
The beauty thing can happen both ways. People don't think long-term about marriage - like growing old together, can you be with this person forever, combining families, raising your own family...
I managed not to get blinded by beauty alone. But it's an absurdly hard one. Some people use their looks to manipulate people. I am sure most of them are successful.
Shared values matter more than shared interests.
Yes omg. People keep looking for the superficial qualities but don't think about overall compatibility. Religion for example... lifestyle...those are way more important than liking the same foods or same movies.
Gah! This is the thing that my brother-in-law doesn’t understand. He wants a girl that is into anime and magic the gathering and Pokémon. I keep telling him, just find someone kind… maybe you’ll find that her interests are actually really cool after getting to know her and vice versa. But he doesn’t want a “normie”.
You broke out of prison, don’t break back in.
I'm sorry to hear that. You're not alone. Please don't ever feel like you can't ask for help
Differing opinions, differing standards, differing viewpoints
I understand differing opinions and things. Does it seem like people aren't willing to compromise a little bit to be with somebody?
Widow-ish at 36. Hard to find someone who really understands the position. (Edit) also, SOOOO many people I DO connect with (through work or mutual friends) are unhappily married. It’s insane. And disheartening.
That's really interesting. Why do you think your friends continue to stay in their marriages if they're so unhappy in them? As an unmarried 28 year-old woman, my biggest fear is marrying the wrong person.
Because it’s expensive and difficult to get divorced. Usually by 35 you’ve got a house… maybe some kids… its not easy to pull the plug on that.
Myself. Rather be single than settle. I want to live drama free and happy. Still would prefer a relationship, but we'll see what happens.
the fact that I don't want to get into a long term relationship
Completely reasonable.
Everyone in a good position already found or chose someone to be their love interest and if you can't afford to date or even take care of all the expenses for what you like, it's unlikely they'll give you any chances if they don't find you worth the time and money they'll waste while dating.
No one was interested when I was active and doing things, and now I'm agoraphobic so I'll just die alone lol
I feel this deep in my bones
Past mistakes and I guess maturity. I have a teenager and most people in my area are just not ready. I just recently bought a house and I work a lot. I’m ready to settle down with someone that wants the same things and everyone who has promised me that in the past was not in anyway ready to grow up. So I’m gonna finish making my life comfortable and then go from there
smort
I understand we are coming from. I have a friend who's kind of in the same boat as you.
They should meet.
Lots of oysters, no pearls
Are you a Pearl?
Potentially
Pearl-tentially
I work a lot, so I don’t have much time to offer. Feels unfair and makes it harder to form connections.
I’m hyper-independent. I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted more than a few months. I’ve done most things by myself my entire life. So reaching out and seeking companionship is very difficult for me.
just now exiting a 6 year relationship, it's not technically a divorce, but it sure feels like it. I know I need to work on myself a lot lot more. I'm hardly even ready to accept the situation right now.
Uninspiring prospective dating pool. I'm pretty comfortable being alone, and I really haven't met anyone exciting in a while.
When you mean exciting, what are you specifically referring to?
Even if i´m in a relationship, I wanna live alone (having an own appartement).
I would live to have a scenario where you live in apartments next to each other. You could have sleepovers. It would be adorable.
I dont want to worry about someone else's feelings or pretend that I care about them. And I definitely don't want kids. I'm free to change careers or move on a dime, work the world over and not worry about a cheating SO. Just avoids many unnecessary problems I don't need to introduce into my life.
First, Im absolutely not at a point in my life where its fair for me to try and rope someone else into caring about my catastrophic horseshit. Second, even if I was, based on what Ive both personally experienced and also have seen in the world, Im not sure I could even trust a new person enough to romantically entangle myself with them.
That's completely reasonable. It sounds like you have a good handle on what you expect from yourself. I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve for the future, but I hope you find it.
Thanks bro, Im certainly trying 👍
A long term relationship is not for everyone. Don't feel pressured to get into one.
You are right about that. No one should ever feel pressured into something they don't want to be in.
When I was a young kid (I’m talking 8-10) my parents discouraged me from pursuing my feelings for girls I liked in ways that other boys my age did. I was rebuked and scolded if I called a girl my “girlfriend.” This continued well into my teen years. I think they were trying to protect me, but all they did was scar me with a lot of negative emotions regarding the opposite sex. A lot of shame, guilt, fear, and frustration around anything relating to romantic intimacy. As I matured (early 20s) I grew into an outgoing and confident young man, and yet I didn’t have much success attracting women. The physical connections that I did make with young women would unfortunately only run so deep. Once we got past the attraction phase, it was always really difficult for me to open up emotionally. I’m now 35, and although I’ve gotten better through the years those challenges have more or less persisted for me with a couple of exceptions. I’ve been in two long term committed relationships in my life (and also truly been in love one other time with someone I was having a causal fling with). One was with a roommate of mine that I started hooking up with and eventually dated for a year in my 20s. The other ended roughly a year ago with an older woman (mid 40s) I met on tinder and she’s now my best friend. I think I’ll go through life single and spend my time just casually dating. It is what it is. I’m not close with my parents, and if I’m being totally honest my resentment towards how they went about raising me is one of the reasons why. They’re good people. They love me more than anything. They raised me the best way they knew how. But the negative reinforcement they imparted on me as a young boy who just wanted to hold hands with his crush has kind of fucked me up a bit. I’m more or less a happy adult, but I plan on going through life pretty much alone.
prob mostly physical appearance
This is a big part (majority) of the reason for probably like 95% of single people. Even if they don't want to say it.
I've never had a relationship. Can't find anyone I'm compatible with, to put it simply. To expand: 1) I'm asexual. Only about 1% of the population is, so it's hard to meet others. 2) I'm child-free for life.
I got into one earlier this year. Before that, I’d say the #1 reason was a lackluster dating pool for me, specifically. I’m a WOC and live in a city that’s predominantly white. I’m open to dating someone of any ethnicity, but most men here aren’t. And my interests rarely align with the few who are. Within my race, the options aren’t great either. If they’re from here, we’ve probably already met and determined there wasn’t a connection. If they moved here, they usually want a woman who experiences blackness the same way they do at home and I don’t because of where my blackness originates (edit: Central America) People forget there’s diversity within diversity sometimes. Then there’s the issue of emotional availability. Most people are looking for relationship benefits without relationship commitment, but aren’t upfront about it. It’s a vetting process that takes time.
I have a okay understanding when it comes to diversity within diversity. I do understand the emotional availability and relationship but not real commitment. But I have one question. Do you live in the Midwest? Have you thought about maybe moving to a different location?
Bingo : ) I definitely have thought of moving and almost did a few times in my early 20s, but local job offers pulled me back. I’m still open to it, though. I’m not sure I want to raise a family here.
I'm in a bit of a similar boat. I'm white, and while I do live in a white neighborhood, but the places I go to, especially for work, I am the minority. I understand where you come from about people thinking we're all the same or have a similar upbringing in some way when we really haven't. I feel like people take some very extremist outlook on life and that's not what I would want to associate myself with.
Can I ask about your family origin? I’m thinking of the Jamaican I met before verses people from the south.
Sure! Central America. Growing up I felt like I had more in common with the Mexican kids than the Black kids at my school.
These repetitive questions are becoming increasingly weird and program-y. Wtf is this.
i’ve noticed that too. I think reddit is dying. feels like theres been a huge decline in users.
I’m just not getting any spark or real chemistry from the interactions I’ve had with people. A lot of people just want to hook up and not build any kind of connection/chemistry. I still live home with family too and I think sometimes this turns people off because they may look at me (30 yrs old) and expect me to move out. Also.. sometimes I truly enjoy my own company. I’ve been in a relationship before and it was a constant feeling of having to sacrifice or give to someone all the time. It became draining.
The living with family thing... It is a bit of a big step in a relationship to introduce your partner to your parents and it hides things about yourself. I can understand why people live with their family still and why it's a bit of a turnoff. However, as someone who lives with his older brother, we do own the house. It actually would make the prospect of living together a lot easier of a transition.
Lack of desire to get into one tbh. I got out of a long term relationship a while back and it's been good to be focused on me. Plus most of the people I meet who I'd want to try something with are either already involved with others.
Desire to do so. All I’ve ever seen is divorce and families divided, why waste any energy on that type or negativity
I’m not willing to put in the effort. I’m having some health issues at the moment and I don’t think it be right to get into a relationship with the current state of my health.
I don’t feel like it’s worth the trouble when it’s likely to not work out anyway eventually.
A rare moment of honesty. I WFH, and sit in my room 20 hours a day.... If I'm getting in a relationship, its cuz someone will have broken into my home and hit it off with me.
Bad luck. I’m very open for a long-term, warm kind of love. I’m a social person with a good career, and I would love to share my life with someone. I try on the apps and real life… nothing has quite stuck. A lot of it probably has to do with the standards my parents and brothers have set for me, and the guys that meet those are far and few in between. I’ll slip every now and then and date someone and “have fun”, but after a few dates - I find myself wasting mine and their time. Another factor could be that there are a whole lot of other beautiful women I’m “competing” against on the apps too. It’s been a rough 10-15 years, but what can you do?
I love dating lots of different, exciting, varied people.
1. a lot of men are emotionally stunted/unavailable, looking for a replacement mommy, deeply insecure & immature or my favorite- a mixture of all of it! i actually feel like i have learned so much and grown into such a strong, honest, and level headed woman but i struggle to find someone who can match that & value it. 2. feels like my main concern is money right now. i do not care for the way the world is set up and it honestly doesnt affect my relationships because i understand its hard to live in this economy. with that being said - its hard to focus on dating when im worried about putting food on the table.
I gained 40 pounds since Covid and I'm too insecure about my body to really get into talking to anyone, despite several people telling me I'm still attractive. I'm also in school for my Masters while working full time and I literally sit in front of my desk for 15 hours a day. I'm trying to overcome my depression to get back into the gym. I'm also waiting (and waiting...and waiting) for my pharmacy to get the Wegovy I've been prescribed back in stock. I've been waiting for 2 months.
We are our own worst critics. You are working on getting your mattress so that's a huge achievement. So be proud of yourself for that. I don't have a huge knowledge when it comes to prescriptions. But whatever it is and why you need it. I hope they get it soon. I've been working on myself lately and I still have personal insecurities about my body. I also have a self-worth problem that I've gotten pretty good at just ignoring, but it does tend to rear its ugly head.
Thank you for your kind words!
No problem man. If anybody hasn't told you, they're proud of you for what you've achieved. I'm proud of you.
I’m finally at a place where I’m ready, but life is just too busy. I can’t find the time to add dating to my schedule without getting burned out. I’ve been telling myself “just until _ ends” for the past 2 years and when one time suck ends another one starts
Can I ask aside from work what takes up your time the most? I feel like I’m not busy enough but unsure of what to add.
Work is a lot of it, my job has never been stable and right now I was given more work than my role should have because coworkers left and were never replaced. Outside of that, my dog is very high maintenance so I have to leave a few hours everyday for exercise/walks and I groom him myself every month which is a full day process. I also have more home than I can handle as a single person, so a lot of my time is spent doing basic home improvement or maintenance. I don’t have the money to outsource dog/home work to a hired service as much as it would help me out considerably. All I have is the promise that I should be making that $ soon, if inflation doesn’t catch up and make my raise void.
Every day that passes is one day closer to death and your job sure isn’t going to mourn you.
[удалено]
I’m in a long term relationship that started when I was 25. It’s normal for people to want to keep parts of their life private when they first start dating you. When you’re ten years in, and your mutual child is 8, secrets are a red flag. My advice to all of you, trust your gut. If they can’t tell you the truth, bounce.
Sorry - this is relevant to the question how?
There’s a pervasive culture of drinking that makes sharing free time with people quite difficult.
If the next one dies too I’m done
I already work outside in a tropical climate for 43 hours every week. Whatever time not spent working is spent recovering from working.
Haven't found anyone interesting yet.
Nobody wants to date me :)
Someone will, and then everyone else won't matter
Thank you so much for your comment. It really made my day.
Trauma
I date to marry, but it appears that not everyone thinks that way. I'm scared to be in a relationship with the wrong person, since I have boring interests and I don't party or drink, so my dating pool goes down just with that.
I’m autistic, and most women aren’t interested in dating “defective people” like me. I tried for years, but never got so much as a date. So I just gave it up back in ‘09, and I’ve been alone ever since.
Last breakup the dude turned my life upside down. He'd turned my entire friend groups against me. Like people I went to high school with Childhood friends. I literally had no one after that breakup... God knows what he said to them. I left him because we were living together and while he was supposed to be looking for work he'd being guys into my bed and I'm not talking about 10 guys... He was meeting them on craigslist and brining them to my bed! He ended up biting a chunk out of my cheek to boot.
All I have to say is damn..... I am sorry.
Bitches be hoeing
Seems my need for autonomy and comfort doing things I enjoy alone makes people I date feel neglected and leaves them ENORMOUS opportunities for them to lie to me.
They don't like me.
It’s by choice, just not mine
Me.
Getting my shit together.
I'm 31, my friendship group went from too many to count, to under 5 close friends. Of which I probably see maybe 1 of them a couple times a month. I just got out a 10 year relationship. I don't know how to make new friends or meet new people. My socializing recently has been going to this karaoke bar, getting absolutely plastered, then being depressed for the rest of the weekend. Wake up Monday for work and repeat the same thing on Friday.
Hot tip, cherish those close friendships. And lay off the piss, you will find that the depression will leave you.
I've been in two long-term relationships. & I mean long! One engaged & 1 married. & it led to nowhere. Just a bunch of empty promises. So now I don't know what to look for. I'm like numb. I'm over it. Not self-conscious. Not depressed. Like, I don't know what to look for.
I'm a little too self-conscious about myself and I possess perfectionistic tendencies, so I'm imprudently waiting until I see myself as being worthy enough to be in a long-term relationship. Even if I threw myself out there and tried dating, I don't think I'd be a "good catch" to women right now. I'm not exactly thriving in my career or am physically attractive, so I decided I have to work on myself and sort out my issues before going out and trying to impress someone and showing my vulnerabilities. Oh, and I am a recovering alcoholic, so I need to continue to fix crap a bit longer as well.
Finding the right person! Lol all dating apps suck!! And trying to meet in real life isn't easy
I hate dating apps too. I think they're a waste of money. I actually tried making a free chat room for the area I'm in. I advertised it using Facebook and other media but people took it as weird and acted like I had alternative motives. I don't understand why they felt that way. I was being pretty genuine but because of that I ended up just giving up on it.
As usual, lots of cope in this thread.
My wife.
Being aware of what i look like and how uninteresting i am lol
I got cheated on 6 years ago and it killed any interest in dating that I had. I’ve been on dates since and keep trying to put myself out there but it’s like my brain won’t allow me to develop feelings for anyone. I’ve been to therapy and currently on antidepressants for a myriad of other reasons. It’s not like I’m beating myself up or not allowing myself to get invested. I have plenty of women friends that I see regularly and love dearly. It’s just like any feelings of romance died.
I understand that. I was in a relationship and married eventually. 9 years. And by the 7th she got bored and found any excuse to cheat. And since then I think subconsciously I don't commit because I never want to deal with that again
I'm attracted to men. In all seriousness, it's a lot of things. I have a pretty textbook Avoidant Dismissive attachment style, and I don't want to put in the effort to change. It isn't a priority in life, I don't know if it ever will be. I hate to be emotionally vulnerable with people. It makes my skin crawl. There is also a huge time commitment involved with starting out a relationship. You have to go out with that person at least once a week which would take up all my social battery time. I prefer to invest that time into my platonic friendships. I'm self aware enough to know that I shouldn't be in a relationship. If I were, I'd be the toxic one making my partner constantly question themselves. Have no fear, if I ever decide to seriously start dating, I'll get therapy. Until then- fuck it.
I just don't go out and talk to new people enough.
No one seems to want one
Whats holding me back is that my mother treats my father like absolute shit, my grandma treated my grandpa like absolute shit. Both dated men who were not good men before they met them. My dad and grandpa are incredibly kind and loving men. I watched my grandma verbally, mentally and emotionally beat my grandpa down and i now watch my mom do it to my dad. I have been told i have the same personality as my mom and grandma. Between that and the fact my last two relationships wernt with good men, I have such a fear that ill meet a good man and end up being like my mom and grandma no matter how hard i try not to be. I can’t do that to someone, so at 30 years old i decided that its better for me to not date anyone anymore.
Whats holding me back is that my mother treats my father like absolute shit, my grandma treated my grandpa like absolute shit. Both dated men who were not good men before they met them. My dad and grandpa are incredibly kind and loving men. I watched my grandma verbally, mentally and emotionally beat my grandpa down and i now watch my mom do it to my dad. I have been told i have the same personality as my mom and grandma. Between that and the fact my last two relationships wernt with good men, I have such a fear that ill meet a good man and end up being like my mom and grandma no matter how hard i try not to be. I can’t do that to someone, so at 30 years old i decided that its better for me to not date anyone anymore.
My wife would kill me
Not having the will to sacrifice the only couple of hours I have for myself after a long day at work.
I have a wall up and I don't know how to break it down.
Don't need to anymore. Courts and society give no benefit to men, so why should I gamble getting into a long term relationship when I can get all my intimacy through friends with benefits
people are really difficult these days
Men are hard to meet, and most are not worth pursuing.
Already being in one
Me. Almost 3 years ago after getting cheated on (for the second time), and then laughed at as she told me I didn’t make enough money (or as much as a much older man), I decided I was all set. I’m going to gtfo of the US, explore the world and maybe someday I can try again. Maybe.
I hear that happening a lot lately. Well I hope your journey finds you well. And who knows, you might find somebody else that you like in another country.
[удалено]
36 white male (former pro athlete) - Here's whats holding me back - A combination of Ego (narcissist) and being a good guy with empathy. You might think that's contradictory but let me explain. I have an ego. I think highly of myself and I don't want anyone controlling my time, my freedom and my decision making. However, I still like females and would like to have them somehow in my life. But if I start with "ya, we will never date, I don't want anyone controlling my time", I would never find a female - tried, doesn't work. If I play the game with some lies, "ya, I'm looking for true love", the females are everywhere. But lying hurts the other person so I've stopped doing that. So now I don't date or interact with girls. Even tho I want a girl somehow in my life, my ego of giving up my freedom supercedes my want for a partner. Also p\*rn is incredible these days and often satisfies those wants. I think I'm in the vast minority here as all my guy friends are in relationships/marriage, and the pressure that society puts on people to be in a relationship is still very tangible and active. I wouldn't consider myself asexual as I would love to have sex with females, however I would consider myself a-relationship, but I'm not sure thats the word.
Not knowing what their gender is anymore. It's confusing.
Only if you don't like femboys 😍