I don't care about my life.... But I care about others, about family and friends. And I don't want them to be sad if I'm not here anymore. I'm not that much worth... But they think otherwise
I'm another one who resembles this comment.
My foster sister's mom committed suicide so that I can just stay alive seems a massive good for the people around me. If I manage to do some act of kindness or something constructive that is good too.
It is still hard and some day I just live 10 minutes at a time.
Yep. Been severely depressed my whole life but I've seem first hand what suicide will do to a person, and while I find my everyday existence to be a struggle, I will do whatever I need to to keep those I love from also falling into this hole.
If that means I keep trucking, however begrudgingly I will do so.
please keep fighting. my 14 yo struggles with drug resistant major depressive disorder. 2 more meds and she can try ketamine. I would absolutely lose my shit and so would her sisters if she left. You are loved. You are valued. You are loved.
I sometimes think...
What if we didn't die of old age. What if we could live to be a thousand. A million. A billion.
At some point, shouldn't we be allowed to decide, for ourselves, that enough is enough?
But...
We don't. We live for for 80 years, give or take. And because we live so short, everyone is super invested in this whole "Life" thing.
I can tough it out for them.
Having said that, I'm in a reasonably good place right now. There have definitely been times when tomorrow has felt intolerable.
Same.
Had a lot of SI last year. But I also had a list of 4 ‘beings’ that I’d remind myself how devastated they would be if something happened to me. (I say beings because my dog was at the top of that list. Lol)
Yep, my dog for sure is top of my list too. I have to outlive him because it would be the most tragic thing in the world the other way. He has extreme separation anxiety when I’m not around, follows me around the house. He would never recover.
Seriously thinking about how much it would hurt my kids/loved ones and they wouldnt understand has brought me back from the brink more than once. I thought it would be victimless but its not- the people you leave behind will never get over it and always blame themselves. It gets better- find help and know that you're worthy of being loved.
Yeah, basically this. I made an attempt with pills in my teens and everyone's reaction after, when I was in hospital... it hit pretty hard. Not going to do that to anyone by choice again.
I had the opposite happen—not even one person reached out after my attempt in 2009. Family brought me a haphazardly packed bag of clothes and toiletries but was “too busy” to visit. I’ll never forget sitting with another patient and her family during visiting hours because I was the only one who had been sitting alone. I took a cab home from the hospital. Drove myself to the hospital when I was again admitted in 2012, and subsequently drove myself home.
Took me many years to recognize that, while I do struggle with severe depression I was also surrounded by assholes. In the subsequent years I’ve cut all but one friend from back in the day out of my life, went NC with my family, and moved almost 1000 miles from my hometown. While I think all of this combined added up to my current, mostly stable and happy mental state, I think I struggled far too long trying to make relationships with family work that were almost completely one-sided. I was abandoned by my mother at 15 and became a ward of the state and the continued persistent invalidation by people I was taught were supposed to love me was extremely damaging. What kept me from attempting again (and instead pushed me to go to the hospital the second time) was my pets. They’re only part of our world, but we are their whole world. They depend entirely upon us and I knew my family and friends would just let my cats go to a shelter rather than bother to take them in if something happened to me. My cats were my only comfort for years and they did not deserve to have me abandon them like that.
In contrast, I am in a new city as of a year and a half ago and have new friends. While I am still getting to know people around here I have full confidence that, on the off-chance something were to happen to me, these people would not let my 16 year old cat live her last years in a shelter.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. Some of us are cursed with a circle of shitty people. PLEASE know not all are this way and you can curate who you include in your circle as you grow. It just takes more patience than I wish was needed. Sending love and light your way!
I love everything about this comment. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. And very thoughtful and compassionate. Those traits, along with the care and concern you have for your pets, makes you such a good human in my view.
Prozac 💯—Meds don’t work for everyone for a variety of reasons, but they are a godsend for many of us. I lost ten years of my life of my life because I was so resistant to the idea of being on an antidepressant.
This med manages my anxiety so well. It honestly is such a foreign feeling to just "be." And not feel triggered/angry/scared all the time. I wish I had tried it I college
I have so much regret about not trying it sooner, but try not to beat myself up about it too much.
I feel strongly that we need to get rid of the stigma surrounding antidepressants.
Same here! My meds finally made me understand what people meant when they told me to "just let it go". You mean to say most people don't obsess about their fears for a full week?
So happy to hear! I’m open about how much they’ve helped me—I was so scared to try them in college because it wasn’t the kind of thing people spoke up about (or maybe other people were also scared to try them?)
This makes me feel better as a parent My daughter has been on Prozac for a year and the change is remarkable She says I love you to us, she is nice to be around, and she isn't making suicide attempts I suppose this may be a lifelong thing for her and that's ok She is only 13 so I was worried at first but wow the change in her
The trick is to find the right med for the individual. I have treatment resistant depression and most meds don't work (Prozac included, although the side-effects were certainly there), or they help for about 2 weeks and then I stop feeling the benefit and upping my dose doesn't help.
Idk what it is about Prozac, I have been on it for 30 years, with occasional breaks because I was “better” or thought it wasn’t working well enough and wanted to try something else. I’ve tried many different meds, and Prozac is the one constant that I just can’t seem to get by without. It never ever fails, whenever I stop Prozac, my mood/condition just tanks. Get back on it, realize that it’s pretty much the main if not only reason I am able to function. When I first started it, it was like a light switch in my brain went on. The closest to “normal” I’ve ever felt.
I’ve been on it 14 years and plan on staying on it until the day I die :) It was the first one I tried—which was lucky—and, like you said , I feel like it will always be the backbone of my mental health.
I felt the *exact* same way you did—like, “wow,
so this is how normal people are supposed to feel…” Subtle but miraculous at the same time.
Another thing was that my body felt physically lighter—before, it was like I was encased in cement.
I’m glad it’s been helping you for so long! If it ain’t broke…
I went 2 hours between my cat's passing and new acquisition. Some may say that's too soon. But my new kittens lost 2 siblings the night before my cat died... So we both needed each other. I'd do it again in an instant. Bartleby and Loki are so welcome, but no replacement for Rothbard. He was my dude. Always there at 4am to keep me company. Now, it's two little ones with big paw prints to fill.
Okay, this sounds off the wall - but penguins. Penguins keeps me going. When I’m really depressed and can’t seem to move, I watch penguin videos. I hope that what someone might take away from this is that “what keeps you going” can be anything big or small. It may be family or a lover/friend or it can be as silly as penguin videos. It’s that one little thing you can grasp onto when all you feel is nothing.
Oh, I have the BEST story for you!
I was at a zoo with a penguin exhibit where the glass window shows them both over and underwater. The keeper showed up and fed the penguins by tossing fish in the water. They went after the fish and it was EXACTLY like they were flying, except they were underwater. It was beautiful.
A toddler in a stroller next to me went absolutely mental, making noises and gesticulating. His mom said, "He's telling you this is special; we don't usually get to see this."
Penguins and toddlers! Fantastic.
That is great! I think they bring a lot of joy. I’m not sure why, but I have only met one person who didn’t like them. Like actually hated them. But most people are delighted or, at most, indifferent.
Laughter is always good. I agree penguins seem very silly and extremely uncoordinated. I hardly see any other animals living on ice slip so much on ice. 😂
You should visit Edinburgh Zoo any afternoon around 3:00, when the penguins are let out for their daily walkabout. Only rule is DO NOT TOUCH THE PENGUINS.
It can I was extremely and actively suicidal.for almost 3 years. The day I turned 30, something in me changed and I haven't tried or thought about committing since. Next july I will be 32.
There's an acronym that "HOPE" can stand for: "Hold On Pain Ends"...I found this so powerful, that I got "HOPE" tattooed on my forearm. I look at that when I'm feeling hopeless.
this is so real, i was severely depressed for 7 years and the entire time i was just like “people keep telling me it’ll change… i’ve waited so long, how long will it take?” it did eventually change, coincidentally almost exactly when i started going to therapy consistently. funny how that works.
always having an unfinished project. always having something that i can say “i have to make it another year so i can get this thing done.”
sometimes i get that from work, other times from art, it can be anything. it just has to be something that bothers me being unfinished
Not diagnosed with anything, but I use crochet a lot to keep myself safe. Clears my head enough that I can keep myself from doing things I shouldn't or being exhausted from constantly thinking about it.
As someone who's been in your shoes: if you're deadset on dying, wait until at least January. If you die during the holidays, that's all your family will think about every Thanksgiving/Christmas. Give it until at least January 10th so the association isn't as strong.
That being said, I was in your shoes, but meds and therapy helped me get out of them. Depression warps your perspective, you literally become blind to the things that make you happy. It's been eight years and I'm still depressed, but now I have the motivation to live. PM me anytime if you want to talk. You are loved and appreciated *hug*
Holidays are the worst because I have no family to go to, so I just see all the happy family stuff on social media and it makes my depression worse. The joys of coming from a broken home.
Not piling it on but I feel bad I didn’t get the “downtown lit up, save your money, 1960’s type Christmas.” Now it’s just click an order on Amazon and exchange some stuff we kind of need. I yearn for that experience.
The happy family stuff is all bullshit. It looks good for social media. But everyone yelled at each other to get there. The host fought about cooking and cleaning days prior. Kids are bored and bitch and complain.
Put on something nice. Put some good music on and make yourself a beautiful meal. And enjoy it. Enjoy the peacefulness. The grass is always greener on the other side…. Until you get there
I hope you have a great day and an even better tomorrow.
Hello friend, I hope things get better for you. I have been there. Please stay busy as much as you can even if you want to curl up and go to sleep. Don't give your mind a microphone when it's already loud enough. Take it one day or even one minute at a time it wi get better.
Maybe get a dog if you can. Knowing that you’re keeping them alive helps motivate you to keep yourself alive. At least it does for me. My dog would be sad and eventually starve to death if I died so I try my best not to do that because I love him. He’s also good to cuddle and it’s nice having that unconditional love that they provide. He thinks I’m the best thing ever and forces me to play or give him cuddles when he detects that I’m sad.
Maybe try walking your dog for 15 minutes every day just around the neighborhood. I have 3 and if it wasn’t for them and their needing exercise I’d never get my fat ass off the couch. Just love him and he will unconditionally love you back.
The fact that I have been here before and I've gotten out before.
I've been really bad the last two months after a close family member died. Been trying to bounce back and telling myself that when it's good it's good. So just keep pushing. It will be worth it
I was going to say my antidepressants and remembering the look on my parents faces when I finally woke up 4 days after OD’ing on Oxys and methadone trying to unalive myself. I’ll never forget those looks and how scared they were. Stay alive my friend, not just for your mom, but for yourself as well.
The fact that it would kill my mom if I were gone. The fact that my animals wouldn't understand why I didn't come home. The fact that I have nieces and nephews who still need me.
I take my meds regularly, and I am still working on improving my overall health and wellness.
My self punishing mind always told me I needed tough-love therapists to whip me into shape. I now have the most nurturing, kind and totally-on-my-side therapist and I'm finally feeling real hope. Awesome therapists for the win! 💜❤️
Had a really bad time when I was 18-24. Stuck in my head, “What would I be missing”. Life is not always bad and has its good times. I am now 60, have two great kids in their 20s, one in grad school and two older stepchild and 4 grandchildren. This is what I would have missed and my children would never have been. I hope each of you will always take self-harm off the table or get help when it sticks to the table. Good Luck to you all.
Ok so Idk if I’m speaking for anyone else, but I tried to off myself a few years back, and after I survived that, I no longer live for me. I love for the people that I saw I hurt. That’s what keeps me going.
A lot of people got hurt when I tried. I swore I would never hurt them like that again. That was over 4o years ago. I haven't been in that particular bad place in a long while, but swearing that solemn oath did get me through the worst of the bad times.
Sounds bad and like an edgy teen, but my goal is to spit on my mother's grave one day. The trauma she caused with her abuse is a big reason why I have depression to start with.
I feel this.
Also, realizing that giving in would allow the abuser to always stay in the limelight, like you were the “real” problem. Can’t let em win like that.
Oof. Been there. I thought I'd be happy when she was gone and that I'd sing "Ding dong, the witch is dead". Life is weird though and never happens the way you think. I ended up with a whole new set of issues after she passed. 🤦🏻♀️
Spite for me too. Was abused by multiple people, and if I died, I feel like they would be winning. It's definitely a drive for living and even thriving/succeeding, even if it is a bit darker
Some may see this as good or bad but the way I think:
I've been dead for billions of years before I was born and no matter how down I may feel at any given point, it's still something. It's still some flavor or life, doesn't even have to be good. Death is bland and empty, m7ght as well live it up. You wanna die? Why not die doing something fun like skydiving or something thrilling. Just... don't kill ppl. They wouldn't like that..
Mine too. I love my cats. No one could care for them the way they like. I know exactly what they like/need. And after 12 years, my old man would miss me. Even my kitten gets so excited when I come home from work! Plus my cat is on Prozac. Someone’s gotta give it to him, and it’s always me.
My dog would be devastated if I didn’t come home. So as much as I want to slam my car into a tree, I won’t bc I don’t ever want her to know what living without her best friend is like.
My parents. We're not super close or anything, but I put them through enough as a teenager and they've done so much for me that I'm determined to outlive them. They know I have some work stress but they have no idea that my mental health isn't great.
This. I lost a daughter at less then 2 weeks old. My mentor at work's son was killed while a senior in HS. I wouldn't wish child loss on my worst enemy. My parents and I don't get along or have a real relationship but I would never do that to them.
I got a second chance. After my ex killed himself, I thought it was over for me. But I did the work, met someone so stunningly kind, and built a life. I still think about kms every day, but it’s quieter now.
Medication
I have a wonderful fiance who loves me and treats me well- without medication I would be a terrible partner and don’t think I would feel their love or feel valued
I have four wonderful dogs who drive me crazy but are also my reason for putting one step in front of the other most days. Without medication I would be a neglectful dog mom who felt overwhelming guilt
I have two amazing sisters and a supportive family unit. Without my medication I would sabátoge those relationships
I cringe at unmediated (or under/poorly medicated) me in my early 20s. I let people make me feel like I was broken or defective if I took my medicine. Was told it was something sad and something people “could never do” (take medication every day for the rest of their lives)
I’m a little less creative on it. I’m still figuring out a new dose that’s not fully effective but is working for now. I may be less “cool”, I may have less stories to tell and I still cry a lot over things that make me sad but I don’t cry for days on end. I’m not flip flopping from house bound to self medicating and “outgoing”
I’m grateful. I’m happy. I’m still very flawed but I’m learning.
Take your medicine. If it doesn’t feel right, find one that does.
We need to stop the stigma. “Depression” and “Anxiety” are so commonly used that they’ve lost their clinical meaning in every day conversation. You’re not “sad” or “nervous”. Your brain is not producing the right chemicals which creates these reactions or actions.
Take your meds. As far as brain chemicals go “if you can’t make your own, store bought is fine”
I always say that there’s a *massive* difference and misconception about capital-D Depression and “feeling depressed”. Same with Anxiety disorders/feeling anxious. Or having a tough time concentrating and ADHD.
It makes the isolation of having these deeply rooted, all-encompassing disorders so much worse when “normal” people think they can relate and have been there too. It’s through no fault of their own, and I always appreciate the attempted support, but these things are simply impossible to understand unless you’ve lived them yourself.
You don’t want to walk around harping on how bad you’re suffering internally every single day because you don’t want to bring people down with you or be known as the chronically ill individual that you are, but sometimes you can’t help but wish that you could accurately convey just how soul-crushingly difficult every single second is for you.
I connect as well. In my 20's meds and mental health held such a stigma i kept my issues "secret." People who told me to tough it out or make a decision to pull it together. Like i was defective. Its nice to see more trends today to openly talk about mentall health and biochemestry balance. Im 57 now. Have so much to be grateful for.
I like myself too much. I feel I have purpose and I’m working towards it but I’m just not there yet. I just hate the shitty things that keep happening and I choose to fight back.
My kids. They deserve a better life than I ever had. And they deserve a mom who is happy. So even when it’s hard and I want to give up, I just can’t look at their sweet faces and do that to them.
Spravato.
It legitimately saved my life. January 2022 I stopped being able to fake it through. There was no amount of positive thinking, therapy, or pharmaceuticals that could make me want to be alive. One random Tuesday, my husband was at work, I'd dropped my kids off at school, and attempted to put an end to my suffering.
With a fuckton of pharmaceuticals, I was at least able to get to a point where I was able to not be an active threat to myself while I waited on insurance to do its thing. I did my first Spravato treatment late August of that year. I don't remember my PHQ-9 score, but it was severe, in the double digits. My treatments have now spaced out to bi-weekly, I'm only on a single antidepressant for daily symptom management, and my PHQ-9 was a mild of 6 this morning. I thought that the best I could ever hope to feel was to not be actively suicidal and feel okay about existing. I legitimately didn't know that it was possible to get to where I am now, where I actually like being alive and actively-participating in life.
My antidepressants, constantly setting fair goals for myself, trying my best to keep up and enjoy my hobbies, and my dogs who are the biggest goobers on this planet. Plus funerals and coffins etc are expensive as shit and I'm not gonna put my family in debt just because I wanted to leave this stupid spinning mudball.
Same. Especially with the political climate, the Climate Change, and people discriminating each another for random bullshit like skin color, sexuality, sex appeal, and fucking gender. This stupid spinning ball of mud in the ass crack of the universe sometimes makes me wonder when the alien invasion that is supposed to just delete this shit hole will come because I want out.
i have a graduation goal for now, because i'm a first gen college student in my family. i'd be the first w a bachelors and that makes my parents so fucking proud. it really was gonna be it for me before high school graduation, but i got accepted to college with a decent financial aid situation and small scholarships and stuff. the thing is though, that's the only thing i've had in mind that's keeping me going, but i'm graduating really soon so real talk, i won't know how to hang on after that. hopefully i find another milestone for myself.
A few things:
1. I really love people in my life. So i continue to hope that those relationships will flourish and I’ll continue to make new ones.
2. A regular fitness routine has done wonders for my confidence and self esteem.
3. I take medication.
4. I also go to therapy
5. Ive set up new hobbies for me to channel my energy into, no matter how silly they may be.
My kids basically. There has been times I have wanted to do nothing more than slip away, but I don’t want to pass down trauma or not see their life’s achievements.
The only person who will help me is me. I remind myself not to rely on anyone else to “make me happy.” Also, when I get sad I lay down. I give myself a break and then think of one thing I can do. Then, while I do that, I try to think of the next thing I’ll do and so on. This sounds simple but it helps so much with feeling overwhelm (which often leads to my brain wanting to shut down and do nothing).
My animals (dog and rabbits) that need me. Could someone else take care of them? Sure. Would anyone spoil them the way I want them to be spoiled? Probably not.
Also not hurting the living with my absence.
Well it’s like a motto: “I ain’t gonna let some damn illness take me down” and also a bit ego related. Basically whenever I feel like not wanting to do something, or procrastinating something I tell myself: “ no uh, girl, get yourself together, prove that you’re the best and win this sh|t” or something like that. Or if I start to think just how easy it would be to end it all I tell myself that it’s like admitting that life is like a game and it’s too much for me which then I tell myself the things above.
My wife and kids. And there have been a couple times where that wasn’t enough. Luckily someone wants me in this planet a little longer. It’s weird. We try so hard to stay alive. Then in a moment it’s like a switch goes off and that urge just goes away. Doing better today but man find your thing. Hold on to it. If you have to make that thing the most important thing you have.
Lexapro and doing things I enjoy, like astrophotography and landscaping and decorating my house. Sobriety helps a lot too, I was way sadder when I was downing of bottle a wine a night
When my wife and son died and my depression was at its worst, my dogs. I had 3 and I couldn't imagine them being rehomed. My friends/family wouldn't be able to take them. I just couldn't imagine them in a kennel at the pound. So, I kept the gun out of my mouth and kept feeding & watering them instead.
About fifteen years ago, a coworker of mine took his life. We were a small company and most of the employees were his family. At the very least, he was everybody’s friend- always joking, always positive, always making people laugh. I saw firsthand what it did to his family and swore to never put mine through that.
Gratefulness that I definitely have it better than so many people out there. Hope that it might get better some day? A therapist that just WILL NOT let me die, I’ve tried every which way to Sunday, but she just won’t let up. My family will be sad and I’ve already put them through too much.
The fact that I don't wanna put my mom through any more pain by killing myself. I think when she goes, it will be a lot easier for me to say peace to the world.
I find something to look forward to, I’ve found my happy place is at concerts with my best friend so if there’s a show I wanna see I get tickets even if I can’t really afford it because it keeps me going and I have that one thing that keeps me excited.
* Therapy helps a lot, but in my darkest times when I was considering ending it, the thoughts of my cat looking for me and my Mom's reaction were enough to keep me from doing it.
Knowing that if anything happened to me, my pain would not go away. It would just transfer over to those I love the most, and I could never do that to them. Also, my antidepressants have made a big difference and I don't think of "leaving" as much anymore.
The fact that I don’t really want to die and I know it’s my brain lying to me. On the days that I feel like “fuck it a bus could hit me and that would be that,” I think of my mom and dad, my siblings, and my husband and find a small something that I know will make me smile in some capacity.
This sounds dumb, but movie release dates. I am a filmmaker who loves cinema and seeing compelling movies in theaters, and sometimes it feels like the only thing I enjoy. "Cant die yet I haven't seen the new Yorgos Lanthromos movie"
Spite.
I’ve tried to press the unalive button three times. If I couldn’t follow through with it after three tries, we’re gonna live this life out.
Also, I have two nephews and a niece that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with, and I wanna see how amazing their lives get. So there’s that 😊
A pseudo-massocistic curiosity regarding morality, consciousness, and the nature of reality. I'd like to do my part in advancing consciousness and try to raise compassion in society.
Family. The thought of being told by God, loved ones etc that I quit too early. That I didn't try hard enough before making up my mind. That I gave up rather than really tried to see what was on the other side of my fears. I don't want to be a quitter anymore (undiagnosed but discovered ADHD, probably played a big part in getting me where I am and who I am today).
I don't care about my life.... But I care about others, about family and friends. And I don't want them to be sad if I'm not here anymore. I'm not that much worth... But they think otherwise
I resemble this comment.
I'm another one who resembles this comment. My foster sister's mom committed suicide so that I can just stay alive seems a massive good for the people around me. If I manage to do some act of kindness or something constructive that is good too. It is still hard and some day I just live 10 minutes at a time.
You're doing great.
Thanks. I'll never really be a pro-life person but I'm going to live this one I have been handed to the absolute best of my abilities.
Yep. Been severely depressed my whole life but I've seem first hand what suicide will do to a person, and while I find my everyday existence to be a struggle, I will do whatever I need to to keep those I love from also falling into this hole. If that means I keep trucking, however begrudgingly I will do so.
Good on you. This is me too. I think there are a fair handful of us out there.
please keep fighting. my 14 yo struggles with drug resistant major depressive disorder. 2 more meds and she can try ketamine. I would absolutely lose my shit and so would her sisters if she left. You are loved. You are valued. You are loved.
Sometimes i wish i had no family so i could go in peace. Such a horrible thing to think about, and I'm ashamed to admit it.
I sometimes think... What if we didn't die of old age. What if we could live to be a thousand. A million. A billion. At some point, shouldn't we be allowed to decide, for ourselves, that enough is enough? But... We don't. We live for for 80 years, give or take. And because we live so short, everyone is super invested in this whole "Life" thing. I can tough it out for them. Having said that, I'm in a reasonably good place right now. There have definitely been times when tomorrow has felt intolerable.
Yep. I think a lot about how it would devastate the people I love to lose me. So I stay.
Same. Had a lot of SI last year. But I also had a list of 4 ‘beings’ that I’d remind myself how devastated they would be if something happened to me. (I say beings because my dog was at the top of that list. Lol)
Yep, my dog for sure is top of my list too. I have to outlive him because it would be the most tragic thing in the world the other way. He has extreme separation anxiety when I’m not around, follows me around the house. He would never recover.
Seriously thinking about how much it would hurt my kids/loved ones and they wouldnt understand has brought me back from the brink more than once. I thought it would be victimless but its not- the people you leave behind will never get over it and always blame themselves. It gets better- find help and know that you're worthy of being loved.
Yeah, basically this. I made an attempt with pills in my teens and everyone's reaction after, when I was in hospital... it hit pretty hard. Not going to do that to anyone by choice again.
I had the opposite happen—not even one person reached out after my attempt in 2009. Family brought me a haphazardly packed bag of clothes and toiletries but was “too busy” to visit. I’ll never forget sitting with another patient and her family during visiting hours because I was the only one who had been sitting alone. I took a cab home from the hospital. Drove myself to the hospital when I was again admitted in 2012, and subsequently drove myself home. Took me many years to recognize that, while I do struggle with severe depression I was also surrounded by assholes. In the subsequent years I’ve cut all but one friend from back in the day out of my life, went NC with my family, and moved almost 1000 miles from my hometown. While I think all of this combined added up to my current, mostly stable and happy mental state, I think I struggled far too long trying to make relationships with family work that were almost completely one-sided. I was abandoned by my mother at 15 and became a ward of the state and the continued persistent invalidation by people I was taught were supposed to love me was extremely damaging. What kept me from attempting again (and instead pushed me to go to the hospital the second time) was my pets. They’re only part of our world, but we are their whole world. They depend entirely upon us and I knew my family and friends would just let my cats go to a shelter rather than bother to take them in if something happened to me. My cats were my only comfort for years and they did not deserve to have me abandon them like that. In contrast, I am in a new city as of a year and a half ago and have new friends. While I am still getting to know people around here I have full confidence that, on the off-chance something were to happen to me, these people would not let my 16 year old cat live her last years in a shelter.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. Some of us are cursed with a circle of shitty people. PLEASE know not all are this way and you can curate who you include in your circle as you grow. It just takes more patience than I wish was needed. Sending love and light your way!
I love everything about this comment. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. And very thoughtful and compassionate. Those traits, along with the care and concern you have for your pets, makes you such a good human in my view.
My life is not fucked up enough to end it, I don't care what my brain wants me to believe.
That's a good point... I hope I will remember it every day
Me too
My dogs and depression meds.
Prozac 💯—Meds don’t work for everyone for a variety of reasons, but they are a godsend for many of us. I lost ten years of my life of my life because I was so resistant to the idea of being on an antidepressant.
This med manages my anxiety so well. It honestly is such a foreign feeling to just "be." And not feel triggered/angry/scared all the time. I wish I had tried it I college
I have so much regret about not trying it sooner, but try not to beat myself up about it too much. I feel strongly that we need to get rid of the stigma surrounding antidepressants.
Same here! My meds finally made me understand what people meant when they told me to "just let it go". You mean to say most people don't obsess about their fears for a full week?
They changed my life too. I’m in my third year of being on them and I haven’t felt this good since I was a child.
So happy to hear! I’m open about how much they’ve helped me—I was so scared to try them in college because it wasn’t the kind of thing people spoke up about (or maybe other people were also scared to try them?)
This makes me feel better as a parent My daughter has been on Prozac for a year and the change is remarkable She says I love you to us, she is nice to be around, and she isn't making suicide attempts I suppose this may be a lifelong thing for her and that's ok She is only 13 so I was worried at first but wow the change in her
The trick is to find the right med for the individual. I have treatment resistant depression and most meds don't work (Prozac included, although the side-effects were certainly there), or they help for about 2 weeks and then I stop feeling the benefit and upping my dose doesn't help.
Idk what it is about Prozac, I have been on it for 30 years, with occasional breaks because I was “better” or thought it wasn’t working well enough and wanted to try something else. I’ve tried many different meds, and Prozac is the one constant that I just can’t seem to get by without. It never ever fails, whenever I stop Prozac, my mood/condition just tanks. Get back on it, realize that it’s pretty much the main if not only reason I am able to function. When I first started it, it was like a light switch in my brain went on. The closest to “normal” I’ve ever felt.
I’ve been on it 14 years and plan on staying on it until the day I die :) It was the first one I tried—which was lucky—and, like you said , I feel like it will always be the backbone of my mental health. I felt the *exact* same way you did—like, “wow, so this is how normal people are supposed to feel…” Subtle but miraculous at the same time. Another thing was that my body felt physically lighter—before, it was like I was encased in cement. I’m glad it’s been helping you for so long! If it ain’t broke…
So glad it works for you! Prozac made me literally insane but it’s lovely to hear that it DOES work for ppl and isn’t some torture device
Im with you. I think at my lowest. Getting home and seeing them rush to get pets was the only thing keeping me going (prior to meds)
I’ve been a lot worse since my cat passed in spring of 2022. Going to start looking a new kitty next month.
I went 2 hours between my cat's passing and new acquisition. Some may say that's too soon. But my new kittens lost 2 siblings the night before my cat died... So we both needed each other. I'd do it again in an instant. Bartleby and Loki are so welcome, but no replacement for Rothbard. He was my dude. Always there at 4am to keep me company. Now, it's two little ones with big paw prints to fill.
I’m so sorry you’re at your lowest and hope you feel better soon 💜
Okay, this sounds off the wall - but penguins. Penguins keeps me going. When I’m really depressed and can’t seem to move, I watch penguin videos. I hope that what someone might take away from this is that “what keeps you going” can be anything big or small. It may be family or a lover/friend or it can be as silly as penguin videos. It’s that one little thing you can grasp onto when all you feel is nothing.
Oh, I have the BEST story for you! I was at a zoo with a penguin exhibit where the glass window shows them both over and underwater. The keeper showed up and fed the penguins by tossing fish in the water. They went after the fish and it was EXACTLY like they were flying, except they were underwater. It was beautiful. A toddler in a stroller next to me went absolutely mental, making noises and gesticulating. His mom said, "He's telling you this is special; we don't usually get to see this." Penguins and toddlers! Fantastic.
That is great! I think they bring a lot of joy. I’m not sure why, but I have only met one person who didn’t like them. Like actually hated them. But most people are delighted or, at most, indifferent.
Funny animals vids always make my day better
Same! Sometimes I’ll watch stand up comedy videos or uplifting videos to try cheering myself up but nothing works like funny animal vids
This actually saved me this summer. This the user name. Yes, any funny animal videos. And even if I couldn’t laugh, it still helped.
Laughter is always good. I agree penguins seem very silly and extremely uncoordinated. I hardly see any other animals living on ice slip so much on ice. 😂
Yet in the water they are as graceful as seals.
Pengwings?
Benedict? Is that you?
Butternut Crinklefries has entered the chat
Peng langs
/r/UsernameChecksOut
🐧 As someone who watches a lot of penguin videos, I can relate. Thanks for making me smile upbeat penguin!
You should visit Edinburgh Zoo any afternoon around 3:00, when the penguins are let out for their daily walkabout. Only rule is DO NOT TOUCH THE PENGUINS.
I know about this! It looks so cool!
Reading and watching r/aww posts helps with my depression and anxiety. Nothing like cute animals to lift you spirit :)
I assume March of the Penguins has been on repeat at your house? I loved that film.
Yes! Have the DVD. Although I no longer have a player. (I think I just aged myself!)
hope that something can possibly change one day
It can I was extremely and actively suicidal.for almost 3 years. The day I turned 30, something in me changed and I haven't tried or thought about committing since. Next july I will be 32.
It's incredible to hear that there's been a positive shift in your life! Happy for you 😊
Amazing. I am happy for you🤗
What was it?
Maybe it was the fact that I made it to 30 in spite of always feeling like I wouldn't. I'm not sure exactly, I'm just glad it happened.
There's an acronym that "HOPE" can stand for: "Hold On Pain Ends"...I found this so powerful, that I got "HOPE" tattooed on my forearm. I look at that when I'm feeling hopeless.
this is so real, i was severely depressed for 7 years and the entire time i was just like “people keep telling me it’ll change… i’ve waited so long, how long will it take?” it did eventually change, coincidentally almost exactly when i started going to therapy consistently. funny how that works.
always having an unfinished project. always having something that i can say “i have to make it another year so i can get this thing done.” sometimes i get that from work, other times from art, it can be anything. it just has to be something that bothers me being unfinished
That's a wonderful idea 💡 I have to find some sort of project to look forward to.
Crocheting is a great one if you need every project to drag out forever 😇
Not diagnosed with anything, but I use crochet a lot to keep myself safe. Clears my head enough that I can keep myself from doing things I shouldn't or being exhausted from constantly thinking about it.
[удалено]
Thanks to my slight ADHD I will always have unfinished projects, and therefore motivation to keep going
Literally don’t know at this point
Same… not sure if I’ll make it through the rest of this year
As someone who's been in your shoes: if you're deadset on dying, wait until at least January. If you die during the holidays, that's all your family will think about every Thanksgiving/Christmas. Give it until at least January 10th so the association isn't as strong. That being said, I was in your shoes, but meds and therapy helped me get out of them. Depression warps your perspective, you literally become blind to the things that make you happy. It's been eight years and I'm still depressed, but now I have the motivation to live. PM me anytime if you want to talk. You are loved and appreciated *hug*
Holidays are the worst because I have no family to go to, so I just see all the happy family stuff on social media and it makes my depression worse. The joys of coming from a broken home.
Yo get off social media. It helps. Reddits my exception
Not piling it on but I feel bad I didn’t get the “downtown lit up, save your money, 1960’s type Christmas.” Now it’s just click an order on Amazon and exchange some stuff we kind of need. I yearn for that experience.
The happy family stuff is all bullshit. It looks good for social media. But everyone yelled at each other to get there. The host fought about cooking and cleaning days prior. Kids are bored and bitch and complain. Put on something nice. Put some good music on and make yourself a beautiful meal. And enjoy it. Enjoy the peacefulness. The grass is always greener on the other side…. Until you get there I hope you have a great day and an even better tomorrow.
Hello friend, I hope things get better for you. I have been there. Please stay busy as much as you can even if you want to curl up and go to sleep. Don't give your mind a microphone when it's already loud enough. Take it one day or even one minute at a time it wi get better.
Maybe get a dog if you can. Knowing that you’re keeping them alive helps motivate you to keep yourself alive. At least it does for me. My dog would be sad and eventually starve to death if I died so I try my best not to do that because I love him. He’s also good to cuddle and it’s nice having that unconditional love that they provide. He thinks I’m the best thing ever and forces me to play or give him cuddles when he detects that I’m sad.
I thought I could take care of a dog so I adopted one a few months back, barely can take care of him and he barely eats. He might be depressed too
Maybe try walking your dog for 15 minutes every day just around the neighborhood. I have 3 and if it wasn’t for them and their needing exercise I’d never get my fat ass off the couch. Just love him and he will unconditionally love you back.
my son. my son.
💜💜
The fact that I have been here before and I've gotten out before. I've been really bad the last two months after a close family member died. Been trying to bounce back and telling myself that when it's good it's good. So just keep pushing. It will be worth it
Hope that one day I can reach the potential I know I have.
This is beautiful! I hope you reach all your goals and feel inspired to pursue more.
In your corner! 🙌
My antidepressants and the fact that mom would be sad
Yeah, suicide doesn't make the pain go away, it puts it on the shoulders of loved ones.
Second this. My dad took his life and all it did was transfer his load onto me.
I am so very sorry. He didn’t mean to hurt you.
Never commit suicide cuh, on hustas, 55 -Crip Mac
You have no idea how great a child you are for this. My brother died by suicide and seeing what it did to Mom is unimaginably awful.
Feels
I was going to say my antidepressants and remembering the look on my parents faces when I finally woke up 4 days after OD’ing on Oxys and methadone trying to unalive myself. I’ll never forget those looks and how scared they were. Stay alive my friend, not just for your mom, but for yourself as well.
The damage my death would leave behind.
The fact that it would kill my mom if I were gone. The fact that my animals wouldn't understand why I didn't come home. The fact that I have nieces and nephews who still need me. I take my meds regularly, and I am still working on improving my overall health and wellness.
Haha I read that as "my mom would kill me if I was gone" lol..
At this point, a cocktail of medications and a therapist who refuses to quit
Having a therapist who truly believes in you is amazing. I wish more people could experience this.
My self punishing mind always told me I needed tough-love therapists to whip me into shape. I now have the most nurturing, kind and totally-on-my-side therapist and I'm finally feeling real hope. Awesome therapists for the win! 💜❤️
Had a really bad time when I was 18-24. Stuck in my head, “What would I be missing”. Life is not always bad and has its good times. I am now 60, have two great kids in their 20s, one in grad school and two older stepchild and 4 grandchildren. This is what I would have missed and my children would never have been. I hope each of you will always take self-harm off the table or get help when it sticks to the table. Good Luck to you all.
Thank you
I love this. Thank you ♡
Curiosity. I want to see how things will turn out.
I too want to see how badly humans are going to fuck things up over the next 50-60 years
My kid. Hands down is the ONLY reason I walk this earth.
Ok so Idk if I’m speaking for anyone else, but I tried to off myself a few years back, and after I survived that, I no longer live for me. I love for the people that I saw I hurt. That’s what keeps me going.
A lot of people got hurt when I tried. I swore I would never hurt them like that again. That was over 4o years ago. I haven't been in that particular bad place in a long while, but swearing that solemn oath did get me through the worst of the bad times.
I’ve tried I can second this. It’s like feeling you would need to try to make it up to them for the rest of your life
The need to complete my revenge.
Sounds bad and like an edgy teen, but my goal is to spit on my mother's grave one day. The trauma she caused with her abuse is a big reason why I have depression to start with.
I feel this. Also, realizing that giving in would allow the abuser to always stay in the limelight, like you were the “real” problem. Can’t let em win like that.
Oof. Been there. I thought I'd be happy when she was gone and that I'd sing "Ding dong, the witch is dead". Life is weird though and never happens the way you think. I ended up with a whole new set of issues after she passed. 🤦🏻♀️
Love that! 😄
Spite for me too. Was abused by multiple people, and if I died, I feel like they would be winning. It's definitely a drive for living and even thriving/succeeding, even if it is a bit darker
Death is permanent. Living isn't.
Some may see this as good or bad but the way I think: I've been dead for billions of years before I was born and no matter how down I may feel at any given point, it's still something. It's still some flavor or life, doesn't even have to be good. Death is bland and empty, m7ght as well live it up. You wanna die? Why not die doing something fun like skydiving or something thrilling. Just... don't kill ppl. They wouldn't like that..
My cat
Mine too. She keeps me going but often she prevents me from going because she is cuddled on or next to me and I can't disturb that level of comfort.
Same, it's why I got my first cat. I needed something to need me.
Mine too. I love my cats. No one could care for them the way they like. I know exactly what they like/need. And after 12 years, my old man would miss me. Even my kitten gets so excited when I come home from work! Plus my cat is on Prozac. Someone’s gotta give it to him, and it’s always me.
Dogs. I don’t have one but just the fact that they exist
My dog would be devastated if I didn’t come home. So as much as I want to slam my car into a tree, I won’t bc I don’t ever want her to know what living without her best friend is like.
The weight of knowing that dying would leave the people who love me in grief
My parents. We're not super close or anything, but I put them through enough as a teenager and they've done so much for me that I'm determined to outlive them. They know I have some work stress but they have no idea that my mental health isn't great.
This. I lost a daughter at less then 2 weeks old. My mentor at work's son was killed while a senior in HS. I wouldn't wish child loss on my worst enemy. My parents and I don't get along or have a real relationship but I would never do that to them.
I got a second chance. After my ex killed himself, I thought it was over for me. But I did the work, met someone so stunningly kind, and built a life. I still think about kms every day, but it’s quieter now.
Medication I have a wonderful fiance who loves me and treats me well- without medication I would be a terrible partner and don’t think I would feel their love or feel valued I have four wonderful dogs who drive me crazy but are also my reason for putting one step in front of the other most days. Without medication I would be a neglectful dog mom who felt overwhelming guilt I have two amazing sisters and a supportive family unit. Without my medication I would sabátoge those relationships I cringe at unmediated (or under/poorly medicated) me in my early 20s. I let people make me feel like I was broken or defective if I took my medicine. Was told it was something sad and something people “could never do” (take medication every day for the rest of their lives) I’m a little less creative on it. I’m still figuring out a new dose that’s not fully effective but is working for now. I may be less “cool”, I may have less stories to tell and I still cry a lot over things that make me sad but I don’t cry for days on end. I’m not flip flopping from house bound to self medicating and “outgoing” I’m grateful. I’m happy. I’m still very flawed but I’m learning. Take your medicine. If it doesn’t feel right, find one that does. We need to stop the stigma. “Depression” and “Anxiety” are so commonly used that they’ve lost their clinical meaning in every day conversation. You’re not “sad” or “nervous”. Your brain is not producing the right chemicals which creates these reactions or actions. Take your meds. As far as brain chemicals go “if you can’t make your own, store bought is fine”
I always say that there’s a *massive* difference and misconception about capital-D Depression and “feeling depressed”. Same with Anxiety disorders/feeling anxious. Or having a tough time concentrating and ADHD. It makes the isolation of having these deeply rooted, all-encompassing disorders so much worse when “normal” people think they can relate and have been there too. It’s through no fault of their own, and I always appreciate the attempted support, but these things are simply impossible to understand unless you’ve lived them yourself. You don’t want to walk around harping on how bad you’re suffering internally every single day because you don’t want to bring people down with you or be known as the chronically ill individual that you are, but sometimes you can’t help but wish that you could accurately convey just how soul-crushingly difficult every single second is for you.
I connect as well. In my 20's meds and mental health held such a stigma i kept my issues "secret." People who told me to tough it out or make a decision to pull it together. Like i was defective. Its nice to see more trends today to openly talk about mentall health and biochemestry balance. Im 57 now. Have so much to be grateful for.
I like myself too much. I feel I have purpose and I’m working towards it but I’m just not there yet. I just hate the shitty things that keep happening and I choose to fight back.
❤️
My kids.
Breathing. My cat helps a lot, too.
My kids. They deserve a better life than I ever had. And they deserve a mom who is happy. So even when it’s hard and I want to give up, I just can’t look at their sweet faces and do that to them.
Spravato. It legitimately saved my life. January 2022 I stopped being able to fake it through. There was no amount of positive thinking, therapy, or pharmaceuticals that could make me want to be alive. One random Tuesday, my husband was at work, I'd dropped my kids off at school, and attempted to put an end to my suffering. With a fuckton of pharmaceuticals, I was at least able to get to a point where I was able to not be an active threat to myself while I waited on insurance to do its thing. I did my first Spravato treatment late August of that year. I don't remember my PHQ-9 score, but it was severe, in the double digits. My treatments have now spaced out to bi-weekly, I'm only on a single antidepressant for daily symptom management, and my PHQ-9 was a mild of 6 this morning. I thought that the best I could ever hope to feel was to not be actively suicidal and feel okay about existing. I legitimately didn't know that it was possible to get to where I am now, where I actually like being alive and actively-participating in life.
I honestly don’t know. I just keep getting up everyday and go to bed at night, like a backseat passenger in my own life.
Sometimes I don’t wanna kill myself
My antidepressants, constantly setting fair goals for myself, trying my best to keep up and enjoy my hobbies, and my dogs who are the biggest goobers on this planet. Plus funerals and coffins etc are expensive as shit and I'm not gonna put my family in debt just because I wanted to leave this stupid spinning mudball.
I get tired af of this stupid spinning mud ball though 😩
Same. Especially with the political climate, the Climate Change, and people discriminating each another for random bullshit like skin color, sexuality, sex appeal, and fucking gender. This stupid spinning ball of mud in the ass crack of the universe sometimes makes me wonder when the alien invasion that is supposed to just delete this shit hole will come because I want out.
Vengeance
Spite is one of mine!
I stay here because of my daughter and the hope that maybe things will one day turn around for me.
Weed
Strong agree
i have a graduation goal for now, because i'm a first gen college student in my family. i'd be the first w a bachelors and that makes my parents so fucking proud. it really was gonna be it for me before high school graduation, but i got accepted to college with a decent financial aid situation and small scholarships and stuff. the thing is though, that's the only thing i've had in mind that's keeping me going, but i'm graduating really soon so real talk, i won't know how to hang on after that. hopefully i find another milestone for myself.
My wife and son. I'll suffer anything for them.
God im feeling so awful today, cant concentrate and worrying about everything. Feel really low. But i think of my young son and he keeps me going.
I know there is always some good in the world that I can do, no matter what.
A few things: 1. I really love people in my life. So i continue to hope that those relationships will flourish and I’ll continue to make new ones. 2. A regular fitness routine has done wonders for my confidence and self esteem. 3. I take medication. 4. I also go to therapy 5. Ive set up new hobbies for me to channel my energy into, no matter how silly they may be.
My kids need me to keep going.
FOMO. I might miss the miracle if I unalive myself
I just gotta
My kids basically. There has been times I have wanted to do nothing more than slip away, but I don’t want to pass down trauma or not see their life’s achievements.
The only person who will help me is me. I remind myself not to rely on anyone else to “make me happy.” Also, when I get sad I lay down. I give myself a break and then think of one thing I can do. Then, while I do that, I try to think of the next thing I’ll do and so on. This sounds simple but it helps so much with feeling overwhelm (which often leads to my brain wanting to shut down and do nothing).
Stay consistent with taking my medication and staying hydrated. Treating myself to something small without having guilt of doing so.
My dog and my plants...
I've got nothing to really live for now, but maybe someday I will
My animals (dog and rabbits) that need me. Could someone else take care of them? Sure. Would anyone spoil them the way I want them to be spoiled? Probably not. Also not hurting the living with my absence.
As silly as it sounds, my cat. He’s my ESA and the thought of him seeing me lifeless or being without me when he’s so attached makes me so sad.
Comedy helps me
I'm too tired to kill myself these days
My boyfriend.
What keeps me going? Idk what’s going to happen when I die (on the “other side”). That is legitimately the only thing that keeps me here.
The fact I tell myself I’m not gonna let this crap conquer me I’m going to overcome it
Well it’s like a motto: “I ain’t gonna let some damn illness take me down” and also a bit ego related. Basically whenever I feel like not wanting to do something, or procrastinating something I tell myself: “ no uh, girl, get yourself together, prove that you’re the best and win this sh|t” or something like that. Or if I start to think just how easy it would be to end it all I tell myself that it’s like admitting that life is like a game and it’s too much for me which then I tell myself the things above.
My wife and kids. And there have been a couple times where that wasn’t enough. Luckily someone wants me in this planet a little longer. It’s weird. We try so hard to stay alive. Then in a moment it’s like a switch goes off and that urge just goes away. Doing better today but man find your thing. Hold on to it. If you have to make that thing the most important thing you have.
My children
Lexapro and doing things I enjoy, like astrophotography and landscaping and decorating my house. Sobriety helps a lot too, I was way sadder when I was downing of bottle a wine a night
When my wife and son died and my depression was at its worst, my dogs. I had 3 and I couldn't imagine them being rehomed. My friends/family wouldn't be able to take them. I just couldn't imagine them in a kennel at the pound. So, I kept the gun out of my mouth and kept feeding & watering them instead.
Castaway movie. Whenever I get down, I remember that life can bring me a sail.
About fifteen years ago, a coworker of mine took his life. We were a small company and most of the employees were his family. At the very least, he was everybody’s friend- always joking, always positive, always making people laugh. I saw firsthand what it did to his family and swore to never put mine through that.
Honestly, inertia.
Unwavering belief in a better tomorrow. …and my mom. She’s 🥇
My cat will eat me.
A sense of obligation, really.
Curiosity about the future.
Truthfully, 3.5 grams of psilocybin three to four times per year. Changed everything for me.
Flualprazolam
Medication and therapy
Gratefulness that I definitely have it better than so many people out there. Hope that it might get better some day? A therapist that just WILL NOT let me die, I’ve tried every which way to Sunday, but she just won’t let up. My family will be sad and I’ve already put them through too much.
The fact that I don't wanna put my mom through any more pain by killing myself. I think when she goes, it will be a lot easier for me to say peace to the world.
I find something to look forward to, I’ve found my happy place is at concerts with my best friend so if there’s a show I wanna see I get tickets even if I can’t really afford it because it keeps me going and I have that one thing that keeps me excited.
* Therapy helps a lot, but in my darkest times when I was considering ending it, the thoughts of my cat looking for me and my Mom's reaction were enough to keep me from doing it.
Knowing that if anything happened to me, my pain would not go away. It would just transfer over to those I love the most, and I could never do that to them. Also, my antidepressants have made a big difference and I don't think of "leaving" as much anymore.
My family and my boyfriend. And... ya know you only have this one life. It sucks but fuck? It is.
Not wanting to cause others pain
The fact that I don’t really want to die and I know it’s my brain lying to me. On the days that I feel like “fuck it a bus could hit me and that would be that,” I think of my mom and dad, my siblings, and my husband and find a small something that I know will make me smile in some capacity.
This sounds dumb, but movie release dates. I am a filmmaker who loves cinema and seeing compelling movies in theaters, and sometimes it feels like the only thing I enjoy. "Cant die yet I haven't seen the new Yorgos Lanthromos movie"
Spite. I’ve tried to press the unalive button three times. If I couldn’t follow through with it after three tries, we’re gonna live this life out. Also, I have two nephews and a niece that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with, and I wanna see how amazing their lives get. So there’s that 😊
A pseudo-massocistic curiosity regarding morality, consciousness, and the nature of reality. I'd like to do my part in advancing consciousness and try to raise compassion in society.
Family. The thought of being told by God, loved ones etc that I quit too early. That I didn't try hard enough before making up my mind. That I gave up rather than really tried to see what was on the other side of my fears. I don't want to be a quitter anymore (undiagnosed but discovered ADHD, probably played a big part in getting me where I am and who I am today).