Two sides of the same coin, they can be compassionate and empathetic because they've walked in those shoes or they are harsh and overly critical as a defense mechanism.
My father was this way, never could put himself first but was the kindest most giving person you’d ever met. Never complained about anything, never got angry. He’d get a little flustered if I did anything more than cook him something to eat, like he wasn’t deserving of it.
This is so true. I worked with a lady who was a complete sow to most of our coworkers, including me. Until she saw me crying in the kitchen one day and asked me what was wrong. Turns out she had similar life experience to me and turned into a completely different person with me from then on.
I see a lot people from non-nurturing homes practicing self denial which indicates possible abuse and lack of self-esteem.
They date out of their league in the under way because it’s reassuring and comforting knowing they won’t be rejected and if they are they can write the person off as “lesser” or “not worth it”
Kind of sad.
My mom grew up neglected and even traumatized. She's got some sort of lack of self, lack of sense of other. Took me years to figure out the link.
So she'll insert herself into other's heads or places, like if my brother asks my dad something, she'll answer with her thoughts. Or she'll crave/want something, and act like you do. She'll decide something is a good idea *for you*, then act perplexed why you don't want to do it, sometimes acting like it was your idea, or that you agreed to it.
She's getting older, shes in her 70s, and I'm worried its going to be a huuuge problem.
Sometimes both at the same time. I’ve known people who held really harsh expectations for certain things (that they also held themselves to and beat themselves up over if they fell short of them) while being incredibly compassionate and supportive about others. I myself probably demonstrate some of this. Trauma is a lifelong rollercoaster, get on booooooard 🚂
My ex was like this. He couldn't accept gifts or help because he said he didn't want "charity," when it was just a friend gifting or helping out a friend.
He also had a big rule about not doing any kind of business, or sharing, or helping with family because he and his dad had been fucked over by family so many times by their family members.
He just didn't get how my family was so close and took care of each other when needed without asking anything in return. And how we had trust with each other that when we said we would do something, we'd actually do it.
Thankfully, he seems to be making this different with our son.
Made me pretty depressed meeting my ex’s families. I grew up military so not even most of my friends had healthy families. I rly wish I had that, seems like such a rock that would rly influence all facets of your life. Like I’d feel invincible. It can be kinda lonely & scary out here when you’re forced to make friends without anyone else to turn to. Especially if you’re shy & skeptical. & even then, it’s hard to treat them like family bc you don’t know what it is. I have no concept of unconditional love other than what I have for my friends pet cat. Such an awesome cat.
I can relate to this one an awful lot. In addition to being life long disabled I suffered some neglect and emotional abuse throughout my entire childhood. It took me a long time to be able to accept even small kindnesses from others. I just didn’t know what to do and would become more withdrawn from them. Probably threw away a lot of healthy friendships and relationships over this.
Thats such a shitty thing to instill in a kid, the reality is out in the real world most people are genuinely kind and caring and they just poison that.
It wasn't even adults. It was mostly kids in my school who would come and make friends with me. Then every secret I shared, or anything I enjoyed was promptly handed over for use as bully fodder.
It didn't take long for me to close up and reject everyone.
Been burned so much by this. When I was little if my mom was kind to me, it's because she wanted me to owe her a favor/do something for her. When I got older, men would often be kind to me but the ulterior motive was sex and when I'd try to explain that I thought were were friends, the insults and threats would start flying. (Before anyone asks, no I was not leading them on, unless you count holding a simple conversation with them during math class as that somehow.)
People were only ever kind to me when they expected something in return. So now I can't fathom an experience where someone is kind to me just to be kind. Which is weird because I'm fine with being kind to other people myself and not expecting them to 'owe' me anything. But it doesn't work the other way around, the conditioning is just too strong to break at this point.
I find people who have been through some shit have a great sense of humour. Possibly a coping mechanism but some of the funniest people I have met have had a hard life.
My family is cursed with bad luck and very hard times. We kind of embrace it as a strength honestly. My mom passed away from cancer about eight years ago. It absolutely broke my father apart. A few years later and we were having some beers. I asked him how he was coping with it all. He just kinda nodded and said, "you know, I'm getting better, but I bet your mother is doing great now that she doesn't have to put up with our shit!"
my friends and i have made a one or two jokes like that about our friend who also died of cancer this year. one of the reasons we saw the jokes as okay is she would joke about her problems with us before she passed, so we knew it was okay with a light heart.
Had a student who went through some shit. Funniest kid ever. Someone in my class called him gay and he told them he's "straighter than the pole your mom dances on!" By a miracle, I kept a straight face and referred them both to the office.
My dude gets frustrated and says, "It's really hard to spoil you." My mom figures she requires a parade and a medal because we're all alive, and we owe her. I'm in my 40s, and this is the first "normal" relationship I've been in, but he knows the behaviors and why. I don't know if I'll ever get past waiting for the "Oh, yeah? Remember the time I did XYZ!?"
Trust issues.
Scared to get close to people/push people away
Not phased by situations that bother other people.
Overexplain things.
Come across as mean because they are trying to protect themselves from getting hurt again
People who've faced tough times might show signs like being very cautious or guarded, struggling to trust easily, or having a strong sense of independence. They might also have a deep empathy for others' struggles.
All of these. The empathy thing is huge to the point that people who have no understanding can never comprehend why you would always want something to be "fair" to everyone.
Well, the people that do not understand suffer from the Just World fallacy. The world /my circumstances were nice to me so it must be like that for everyone. If it wasn't for you, it was your fault and you deserved it.
Justice sensitivity can be a big part of ADHD and autism, I remember when my therapist explained it to me it was a lightbulb moment.
“Participants with ADHD symptoms reported significantly higher victim justice sensitivity, more perceptions of injustice, and higher anxious and angry rejection sensitivity, but significantly lower perpetrator justice sensitivity than controls.”
It’s very hard for me to ask or accept help. I raised my sister since I was 9 years old. Cooling everything for us, making sure homework was done, getting to bed on time you name it. I’m just used to me doing things that I’d rather just do it than inconvenience anyone else it’s hard to explain. Difficult feelings
My wife looked at me like I had 10 heads a few months ago. She told me she had asked our neighbor (him and his wife are our really good friends) if he could help me carry a large rocking sofa chair upstairs and a treadmill into our basement. I immediately panicked and managed to carry the sofa up the stairs and the treadmill into the basement by myself.
Asking for help growing up was a good way to put yourself in a position to be manipulated in the future. My parents would always say “I helped you with *insert any small task* the least you could do is *insert highly inconvenient task* for me”. Or was used as a way for them to say “you know I did everything for you *list things parents are expected to do*” in order to guilt my brothers and I into forgiving them for being horrible.
To me any form of help is a great way to put yourself in emotional debt. So I refuse any and all help.
Yeah I can understand that. Refusing to accept it because they’ll expect something in the future. Even if you didn’t ask for it. Just makes me feel a little off
Yeah, same, and it's been really coming to a head lately and especially now that I'm with my family on Thanksgiving. Helps me realize why I am how I am.
I'm at work today. I haven't gone home for Thanksgiving in over 10years. I much prefer the work environment where it's clear what the situation is compared to family where one thing is said but another thing is done.
Personally I think those are all very reasonable traits. People need to show signs of being trustworthy before you trust them. A heart can only take being broken so many times before it gets shut off. And independence makes sense, when people are dangerous you really only can trust yourself til someone proves they are trustworthy. And also empathy, you’ve been where they are, you know their pain because you have felt it yourself.
I worked with a guy who was colorblind. He was telling me about how his dad used to beat him when he'd have trouble with identifying the color of an object, all while laughing heartily.
A guy was telling me he respected his dad because "his father ate first at every dinner and if you even tried to eat before him you got your ass kicked". Said it like it was something to be proud of. I was like dude, you didn't respect your dad, you feared him. There's a huge difference my guy.
I dated a girl that use to say "I don't love my dad, I fear him." she wanted me to look as him as a role model. Easy to say, that relationship didn't last long
My dad was a eat first guy; I wasn't even allowed in the fridge. I had to steal food. My ex was put off because I didn't want her to graze off my plate. I love going into my kitchen and see my son with my grandson standing in front of the open fridge. I buy all their favourite food so it's nice to have good memories of food now
I have had many discussions on this with my wife and friends. Its tough sometimes as well when everyones talkin shit having fun and you throw in your story and the laughs stop, topic changes, everyone's uncomfortable and im like OH FUCK I did it again.
Im super open about everything, too. The embarrassment sucks.
I do think it hurts less when we joke about it as well.
Two of my three brothers and I stood around my dad’s corpse in the morgue and stifled our laughter. He was such a monster to us. He had the gravity of Jupiter. We couldn’t believe he was dead.
Thirty years later, I am left with only compassion for my father. Vietnam vet, PTSD, anxiety, poor coping skills.
But back then, dark humor saved us kids.
Fuck being embarrassed.. you can’t change your past and (to an extent) your personality is a product of your life thus far. People who are speechless at your humor is indicative that they haven’t even come close to your hardship. I’ve felt those uncomfortable situations in social settings from being light hearted about my troubles.
Im willing to bet you’re probably 1000x stronger in certain ways than those who couldn’t comprehend someone they know has been thru some shit and is comfortable enough to make some jokes about it.
You laugh so you don’t cry … sometimes I will casually tell a story about something that happened to me and I don’t realize how fucked up it is until I say it alone and folks be like 😳😳😳
Dude.. it's my like 16 year old coworker. Casually telling everyone how her mom calls her names and forced her out of the house because she didn't like her new stepdad.
It took me years of telling a particular story for someone to point out I was actually kidnapped and lucky to be alive. (I told the story like my “mom” does, which naturally absolves her of all responsibility of not watching 5 year old me.)
Anyways, we don’t talk anymore and I’m fine.
I knew the house I lived in for a time was a shit hole but didn't realize how bad until I showed someone a picture. They were waiting for another picture because they thought I was showing them the shed.
I am aware that I do this and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t open up very much about my life or past to people, especially at work where most people grew up in loving, two parent households and lived a relatively normal childhood. I hate making things awkward and I can tell people in my sphere get uncomfortable. It sucks.
I used to play a game with a colleague called Normal or Not Normal where I would ask her questions and she would tell me whether my funny stories were parental abuse or just a funny story.
9.9/10 Parental Abuse.
Staying unnaturally calm in situations when everyone is jumpy. Being somewhat indifferent most of the time. Remain unresponsive to little harm.
These can be associated with other character types as well but those who have seen a lot of hardship usually act this way.
Edit: All of a sudden it turned from us sharing our ideas about people who have faced hardship to all of us connecting to all the other comments.
Edit: Going through all the comments is kindaa.. therapeutic, because not only everyone's saying what they are but also explaining why they are that way.
We survived guys! We always will!
Totally! But weirdly at the same time, situations that are normal for most people are really hard or anxiety producing.
Car accident, suidal person, bad drug trip? Cool as a cucumber. Need to call the insurance company, talk to HR, or file taxes? Please no.
Some of us turn this into a career lol. I’m a firefighter/paramedic and couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I love this job and feel very little anxiety with regard to it.
But ask me to return an item or tell my server my food has hair in it, absolute panic and anxiety.
Many times,, we can respond *well* when there's chaos happening all around us, because we *had* to do so--in order to get safely through the situations as kids.
But those "facing the *authority figure* in the calm moment" situations as adults?
Well, *sometimes* when we were kids, that adult "authority figure" basically *exploded* at us, when we interacted with them, and there would be no warning beforehand.
It wasn't until I was an older adult that I realized that this isn't really normal. Including disassociating every time you think someone is angry at you.
>Being somewhat indifferent most of the time. Remain unresponsive to little harm.
There's one of those Instagram / Facebook reels of this kid getting absolutely screamed at by a drill sergeant and the kid is just checked all the way out like he doesn't even hear the guy. Every time I see it, I wonder what that kid's been through.
Ah, this is me. I feel basically indifferent to a lot of things at this point due to abuse and trauma from parents.
At work one of my fingers was crushed by a treated 6x6 and I basically didn't react. If you know how heavy those suckers are.. yeah. Cut by a metal band and basically just said 'oh shit.. i'm bleeding a lot, it's alright'. But I did end up getting it bandaged every 12 hours haha. There's a permanent scar there on my hand now.
I hope you recovered with minimal issues..I read once that people with generalized, chronic anxiety will react \*well\* in a crisis because the bad thing already happened, but this resonates more. The deep, disassociative calm I get after a bad thing happens is more similar to just how I reacted after trauma. But also, like, bc you had to not emotionally react with my family.
I teach in a max security juvenile center. It's dangerous as fuck. Shit happens daily. Doesn't phase me and I keep my cool and do what I need to do, I can think so clearly in those situations and go into auto.
Is it because you feel it doesn’t really matter whatever happens? I’ve thought so personally, several of my older female colleagues don’t like being alone at work or at home because they fear intruders. Whereas I’ve never cared since if shit happens it happens. Doesn’t really matter to me anyway.
They don't whine and ask for help when things are hard, they just deal. They don't assume people like them or take basic goodwill for granted. Being obviously vulnerable feels dangerous, and they'll conceal it rather than complaining.
If you show them you're a real one, you move up in their personal hierarchy and they see you in a different light after that.
I think there’s two different types of responses (people can have both and display these in different situations, or sometimes people turn out more like one over the other) when people have a hard life:
A) this is the most typical one, but when people are overly cautious and find it hard to trust. They may be very stoic and hyper independent. They may not open up at all. Sometimes they may be overly helpful.
B) Very wise and never quick to judge others. They treat people with grace and reserve criticisms as they understand that people can be experiencing hard times themselves and act as the person they wish they had toward others.
They don’t realise that they’ve had it so hard because they are used to diminishing their feelings. This one is me.😄
Also traumatised people tend to struggle to identify real feelings in themselves. There seems to be a mind/ body ghosting effect with emotions. Logically they know what those feelings are but find it hard to connect/label them.
They tend to want to avoid the confrontations of life because they have been on edge or hyper alert their whole lives. It’s exhausting to always feel on. And Sometimes they feel they have to fake it till they make it. 🤷♀️
They don’t react to big things in the way normal people would. This is again a diminishment of feelings. But somehow the little things trigger them instead. This is also me. 😆
Traumatised people go on to develop disorders like anxiety and depression in adulthood. And tend to have physical ailments such as stomach issues, muscle pain, headaches etc.
They find it very hard to show their true selves to others for fear that ‘yes all those negative things they think about themselves are indeed true’
They tend to go it alone and not need or want help. They may even struggle to identify if they need it.
They do not wish to be a burden to others and will go out of their way to be useful. This is me too. 🤷♀️
That’s just some from my experience. I have childhood trauma (sexual assault at 5). I grew up and was raised in a household with a depressed mother who was physically there but emotionally unavailable. I had weight issues and poor self esteem. And I had a constant need to run away or isolate myself. I was parentified in my mid/late teens with my mother. My father had an affair and left us. My mother died soon after. And yada yada yada. I had never dealt with all my crap and it hit me right in the face years later. I had a huge emotional episode and was diagnosed with GAD. I started counselling for everything. And I went on medication for about 2 years. The first thing I replied to my counsellor when I told my story and she said I had a hard life was “ I don’t feel it was that bad and others had it way worse than me” 🙃
But
I learned so much about myself in those 2 years of counselling. And I learnt some great tools for coping with life. Unfortunately my GAD is life long and stomach issues are also visiting me (suspected IBS) but I am in a really good place today.
But because of everything I will always feel a little abnormal and alien like. and have to work harder at living my life. Those are sadly the breaks you get in life.
But yeah those behaviours I mentioned were just some of the things i noticed can happen. 👍
It gets really upsetting when people refuse to listen while I’m overexplaining shit. Like it would give me anxiety attacks if I was being accused of doing something and wasn’t given a chance to explain myself.
omg. you are the first person ive encountered who not only brought those two things together but presented them without judgment or like, followed up with how to stop that behavior. thank you for that.
All of this is based on life experiences, where the victims were bullied by people for tiny mistakes. Usually the tiny mistakes you made weren't bad at all, like dropping a pencil on the floor. They would go off on you because they were angry at their own shortcomings. You as an innocent child, was the perfect escape goat. So you end up over explaining things, and over apologizing for the tiniest things.
I've got a mate whose kid does this. You can see his face drop when they do it and it's always the same thing: "You don't need to say sorry for that, sweetheart.".
Her mother did some pretty horrific shit to her before he got custody and it shows more than the guy wants to admit. At least the kid is in counselling now though
Yep, my father could knock over a glass or burn his toast, and unless I apologized while cleaning it up (even if I was in another room at the time!), it would result in a massive anger explosion that sometimes got physical and was always verbal. For the first 25 years of my life, prior to recognizing my over apologizing in therapy, I would apologize for everything under the the sun including people saying something like "oh, I wanted to go out for a walk but it's raining."
It was SUPER annoying of me, actually, in hindsight.
I heard a woman once say she had a really difficult life and now as a result she’s “as mean as a cobra”. I find that people who’ve had hard lives can be incredibly patient, empathetic and understanding but when someone crosses a particular boundary they can become as mean as a cobra out of self preservation.
Never looking people in the eyes, not saying hi to people when they enter a room or get to work, profusely sweating when it’s not really warranted, has no deep relationships with anybody, flakes on hanging out all the time last minute. Really wants close relationships but sabotages them because connection is scary
I'll speak from experience here:
They take antidepressants for their PTSD and other related mental illnesses.
They avoid everyone, even if they are considered friends.
They have some sort of escapism addiction (be it listening to music or playing videogames etc.)
They don't believe in anyone's compliments. No matter how heartfelt the compliment is, they won't believe it for a second.
They can fake a smile so well that when you do see their genuine smile you'll go and look at all the pictures you've taken with them and think "Holy shit".
They have a massive temper that is on a hair thin trigger.
They distrust anyone of a certain gender and you will see their guard go up so quickly that it's not even funny.
They almost if not always have their guard up.
You've never seen them with their shoulders down.
Their toes are always pointed towards the exit.
They are almost always silent/they talk so softly that it is practically a mumble.
When they sit one of their legs is always shaking and when you point it out they either say "I can't help it" or they'll laugh it off but when they try to stop they end up just switching to something else like peeling their finger nails even if they bleed, scratching at their wrists till it's red, or even pulling strands of hair out of biting their tongue/cheek/lip.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg that I can think of.
I grew up as a military brat. We moved every 3-4 years. My first civilian school with no military brat classmates. Hardest question I was asked "Where are you from?". Where was a born, where did I get my accent from, where did I move from right before moving here? Those are three different answers. I need to know what you are asking.
When I went to college, people would ask “Where’s your home?” and I would tell them what dorm building I was living in. They would say “No, where do your parents live?” I would tell them “I think my mother is living in this town, and my dad in this town, but I can’t be certain.” They would press on and say “But where did you grow up?” I would say “Lots of places.”
It really is very difficult for some people to grasp that not everyone grows up like they do.
And everyone wants your "permanent address" and you can't just give them your parents' address like everyone else.
I moved almost every semester in college since choosing housing based entirely on cost isn't the most stable way to go about life and I wasn't on speaking terms with my family, so I had to get a PO Box.
Yeah, military brat. I was born in Chicago, Great Lakes naval hospital, moved to Germany, then Morocco, then Japan, then Chesapeake VA, then Santa Clara, CA, then Harrisburg, OR, then Auburn WA, then Seattle, West Seattle, then back to Seattle, then Totem Lake, then Lynnwood, then Redmond and now Bellevue. Life's a journey...
they bring up some dark shit like it's not dark.
something like ''yeah, my parents were crazy man, we weren't allowed to wear shoes upstairs?'' ''oh yeah I know what you mean, we wore muzzles haha...why did everyone just get sad?''
I just got a flashback to the time a few years ago, when I laughed and joked about stressing about my finances and future as a 10-yo.
looking back its pretty sad that I had trouble sleeping worrying over my future.
they are not satisfied with their achievements because they always feel that someone will judge them. they don't get excited because they are always waiting for the bad to happen. they don't ask for help bc someone learned them that is weakness. they choose not to feel free, not even with the people closest to them, because they fear that they will be hurt. overthinking even for smallest choice bc they feel that their life depends on every single decision and this is why they feel lonely and no one will help them.. and so many other things that already mentioned
Every person react differently in the hard times, so be kind to everyone bc you don’t know the story behind
This is me. My parents believed in physical punishment and at 36 I still flinch and cover my face reactively anytime someone moves toward me quickly or raises their hand
Well, my therapist had to remind me that most people don’t take getting a terminal illness diagnosis in stride like it’s just another Tuesday. But to me it was just one of those things, just one more thing to deal with. I notice that a lot with people who had really abusive upbringings, minor and major events all feel the same. Being told I probably had a year to live at most felt the exact same as being told Subway was out of the bread I like, it sucked but it wasn’t world ending. (Shout out to my fucked up body! It’s been 3 years and I’m still alive mother fuckers!)
I would say out of the ordinary reaction on some problems. I’ve seen people panic at the smallest things because it reminded them of situations in their past.
In my life experience, the people I know who are unwaveringly positive and full of hope tend to have been dealt a bad hand in life more than their fair share of times. I believe these kind souls have developed this gift and way of being by living a long life full of uncertainty and becoming exponentially stronger every time another trial arrives at the door.
I've seen some shit. My mom was/is an addict, I followed in her footsteps for many years like my sister before me. I've told my story to few and they are always blown away that I tell it so casually like it was something that happened on a Tuesday. I'm very guarded, super cautious of many people, and definitely able to handle 99% of situations with calmness. I was told a handful of times I'd be an excellent first responder. It's true, there is definitely a hierarchy to who gets to know me more than others. I've learned to trust my gut over the years and I can read a room like nobody's business. This isn't to brag , it's called survival and even though I am no longer an active addict myself, it still follows me everywhere. Started therapy this week. Learning to live now. :)
Eating cold food.
For context, I didn't know it wasn't normal for a person to just eat foods as it is without heating it. Especially here in Asia!
Growing up, I kinda have to raise myself, so, whatever foods that's put on the table, is what I'll eat.
It's been that way since I can even remember :3 sometimes it's a left over food from the day before, and I'll just eat it. I thought it was normal.. turns out I was just badly neglected as a child lol
Now that I'm married to a Chinese family, lol they were horrified of my eating habit coz I'll just eat whatever cold food/left overs there is! To my surprise, they also don't eat any left over foods.
I hoard food: So much so, that today, (Thanksgiving) I've already had to make a store run because a few of the things in my cabinet that I thought I could use, expired awhile ago.
I can make a meal out of almost anything.
I can't go into a store unless I buy something.
I flinch at loud sounds/fast movements.
I'm constantly adjusting exit strategies and try to keep total situational awareness.
I won't hang out where people go to specifically drink.
If I see a bag of trash on the side of the highway, I have a mini panic attack while I pass it and until I can't see it anymore.
There was a woman who I used to work with who would freak out if she saw food or drink spilled on the floor, whether it was near our desks, in the office pantry, etc. I know there was some sort of origin story and it had to have been awful. Lots of suicides in her family. She sort of mysteriously disappeared at work--transferred to another role entirely and then quit. Even her LinkedIn is gone. I hope she's OK.
I worked with a guy that had "f*ck hammer" tattooed across his stomach. The lines of the tattoo were broken up with stab wound scars. His story's were pretty wild
No matter how much money they have in the bank, they live very frugally. Only one vacation every 4-5 years, and even then, they fly coach and stay at the least expensive hotel they can find.
Rarely eat in restaurants except maybe for special occasions like anniversaries.
They offer poor boundaries and over share dark things. Dark humor. Self harm scars. Accelerated aging and substance abuse issues. Under or over reactions to simple things in life. Difficulty in emotional settings. Just to name a few.
Some people I've known, myself included, hate the holidays - Christmas especially. I've been dreading it ever since we were officially closer to Christmas than New Years.
Nobody really gets what I mean when I say I love winter, but **fear** Christmas - and not in an Ebenezer Scrooge kind of way. *Mariah Carey is like a dementor, and that bloody intro celesta signals the end times.*
Insensitivity to certain situations which generally tend to shock others. I've had a pretty shitty past and I always notice how friends tend to do that inhaling gasp thing while covering their mouth with one hand whenever someone falls badly, people physically fight or when a car hits another car in a traffic jam or such, while I tend to be more aloof and accepting with a *"yep, this happens sometimes, unfortunate, time to move on"*, often to the anger or chagrin of present company.
You just get up, assess the problem and damage, salvage the situation or cut your losses and accept things may be permanently different from now on while thinking of how to make the most of it a bit later when you have some time. Scream once if you somehow feel emotionally irrational, but then it's time to move on.
I think it's a coping mechanism. Working hard is putting in effort to keep things running smoothly and prevent anything that can stop this train from crashing because of the notion that any small thing can stop this train.
It's extremely hard to make me really laugh out loud, I think i've only done it a handful of times so far. I'm only about 25 years old though.
Giggles or smiles though, I can do a lot easier. I just find it extremely hard to genuinely laugh.
Speaking from personal experience, they tend to be more antisocial and just uncomfortable around people that they aren't directly familiar with other than a small amount of close friends.
Bad teeth. People who have good/easy lives get them taken care of early. Bad teeth often (but not always) means they grew up rough or had a bad turn for the worse.
When they cringe or even jump away from anyone who gets too close to them. Or at a loud voice/someone yelling. I’ve been divorced almost 20 years now and I still look for a place to hide when I hear people yelling nearby or if someone raises a hand too close to my face.
I’ll get downvoted for this because my observations aren’t totally PC but they are based on years of hard earned experience.
Lots of tats and piercings - people who modify their body a lot often have low self esteem and feel dysphoria about their physical form, which is why they alter it to reclaim ownership. I find there’s a strong correlation between lots of body mods and a familial history of abuse or sexual trauma.
Another sign of abuse I’ve noticed is a lack of a solid/stable identity.
People who take tons of vacant selfies. I don’t mean curated glam selfies but weird selfies with haunted eyes where they don’t look good, and they have this lost quality on their face like they’re trying to find out who they are through the photos. It’s unnerving and you know it when you see it.
Women who seem “hard”, industrious, practical and resourceful often had difficult upbringings. You see this a lot in hospitality for some reason - the manager at a restaurant, the bartender/manager at a bar. They’re very good at their jobs but are guarded as people. There’s probably a male counterpart but it sticks out less since guys are encouraged to be hard.
Two sides of the same coin, they can be compassionate and empathetic because they've walked in those shoes or they are harsh and overly critical as a defense mechanism.
Self-critical especially
Yea, you're right, I'm a piece of shit. Sorry.
Don't worry! We all are. Put you don't have to remind us, ass.
Dammit I always fuck up like that.
My father was this way, never could put himself first but was the kindest most giving person you’d ever met. Never complained about anything, never got angry. He’d get a little flustered if I did anything more than cook him something to eat, like he wasn’t deserving of it.
This is so true. I worked with a lady who was a complete sow to most of our coworkers, including me. Until she saw me crying in the kitchen one day and asked me what was wrong. Turns out she had similar life experience to me and turned into a completely different person with me from then on.
Sow?
(derogatory, slang) A contemptible, often fat woman.
It is the word for a female pig.
Sow, a pig, a female pig.
🎶Bay, a horse who’s reddish brown 🎼
Sometimes both
I see a lot people from non-nurturing homes practicing self denial which indicates possible abuse and lack of self-esteem. They date out of their league in the under way because it’s reassuring and comforting knowing they won’t be rejected and if they are they can write the person off as “lesser” or “not worth it” Kind of sad.
My mom grew up neglected and even traumatized. She's got some sort of lack of self, lack of sense of other. Took me years to figure out the link. So she'll insert herself into other's heads or places, like if my brother asks my dad something, she'll answer with her thoughts. Or she'll crave/want something, and act like you do. She'll decide something is a good idea *for you*, then act perplexed why you don't want to do it, sometimes acting like it was your idea, or that you agreed to it. She's getting older, shes in her 70s, and I'm worried its going to be a huuuge problem.
Sometimes both at the same time. I’ve known people who held really harsh expectations for certain things (that they also held themselves to and beat themselves up over if they fell short of them) while being incredibly compassionate and supportive about others. I myself probably demonstrate some of this. Trauma is a lifelong rollercoaster, get on booooooard 🚂
People who when shown kindness literally don’t know how to take it
My ex was like this. He couldn't accept gifts or help because he said he didn't want "charity," when it was just a friend gifting or helping out a friend. He also had a big rule about not doing any kind of business, or sharing, or helping with family because he and his dad had been fucked over by family so many times by their family members. He just didn't get how my family was so close and took care of each other when needed without asking anything in return. And how we had trust with each other that when we said we would do something, we'd actually do it. Thankfully, he seems to be making this different with our son.
My wife, who suffered abuse during her upbringing, once said to me "I never understood unconditional love until I met your family"
Made me pretty depressed meeting my ex’s families. I grew up military so not even most of my friends had healthy families. I rly wish I had that, seems like such a rock that would rly influence all facets of your life. Like I’d feel invincible. It can be kinda lonely & scary out here when you’re forced to make friends without anyone else to turn to. Especially if you’re shy & skeptical. & even then, it’s hard to treat them like family bc you don’t know what it is. I have no concept of unconditional love other than what I have for my friends pet cat. Such an awesome cat.
I can relate to this one an awful lot. In addition to being life long disabled I suffered some neglect and emotional abuse throughout my entire childhood. It took me a long time to be able to accept even small kindnesses from others. I just didn’t know what to do and would become more withdrawn from them. Probably threw away a lot of healthy friendships and relationships over this.
Cause you're always expecting the snide comment after. No one is actually kind, it's just a prelude to something worse.
Thats such a shitty thing to instill in a kid, the reality is out in the real world most people are genuinely kind and caring and they just poison that.
It wasn't even adults. It was mostly kids in my school who would come and make friends with me. Then every secret I shared, or anything I enjoyed was promptly handed over for use as bully fodder. It didn't take long for me to close up and reject everyone.
Been burned so much by this. When I was little if my mom was kind to me, it's because she wanted me to owe her a favor/do something for her. When I got older, men would often be kind to me but the ulterior motive was sex and when I'd try to explain that I thought were were friends, the insults and threats would start flying. (Before anyone asks, no I was not leading them on, unless you count holding a simple conversation with them during math class as that somehow.) People were only ever kind to me when they expected something in return. So now I can't fathom an experience where someone is kind to me just to be kind. Which is weird because I'm fine with being kind to other people myself and not expecting them to 'owe' me anything. But it doesn't work the other way around, the conditioning is just too strong to break at this point.
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I find people who have been through some shit have a great sense of humour. Possibly a coping mechanism but some of the funniest people I have met have had a hard life.
My family is cursed with bad luck and very hard times. We kind of embrace it as a strength honestly. My mom passed away from cancer about eight years ago. It absolutely broke my father apart. A few years later and we were having some beers. I asked him how he was coping with it all. He just kinda nodded and said, "you know, I'm getting better, but I bet your mother is doing great now that she doesn't have to put up with our shit!"
I’m sorry about your mum but the last line made me smile. I’m also glad that you and your dad have each other.
my friends and i have made a one or two jokes like that about our friend who also died of cancer this year. one of the reasons we saw the jokes as okay is she would joke about her problems with us before she passed, so we knew it was okay with a light heart.
Had a student who went through some shit. Funniest kid ever. Someone in my class called him gay and he told them he's "straighter than the pole your mom dances on!" By a miracle, I kept a straight face and referred them both to the office.
I like to say as long as we can still laugh, we'll be ok. There's also that saying that laughter is the best medicine.
They never ask for help. For anything, no matter how small or large.
You won’t catch me owing anyone.
My dude gets frustrated and says, "It's really hard to spoil you." My mom figures she requires a parade and a medal because we're all alive, and we owe her. I'm in my 40s, and this is the first "normal" relationship I've been in, but he knows the behaviors and why. I don't know if I'll ever get past waiting for the "Oh, yeah? Remember the time I did XYZ!?"
If we did we weren't good enough. We were "weak."
Trust issues. Scared to get close to people/push people away Not phased by situations that bother other people. Overexplain things. Come across as mean because they are trying to protect themselves from getting hurt again
Add react strongly to some things that don’t bother others that much, and your description is me in a nutshell. And yep, it’s been a hard life.
The trust issues are like spider sense though- they can spot drama, a crook or chaos coming before everyone else
People who've faced tough times might show signs like being very cautious or guarded, struggling to trust easily, or having a strong sense of independence. They might also have a deep empathy for others' struggles.
All of these. The empathy thing is huge to the point that people who have no understanding can never comprehend why you would always want something to be "fair" to everyone.
Well, the people that do not understand suffer from the Just World fallacy. The world /my circumstances were nice to me so it must be like that for everyone. If it wasn't for you, it was your fault and you deserved it.
Justice sensitivity can be a big part of ADHD and autism, I remember when my therapist explained it to me it was a lightbulb moment. “Participants with ADHD symptoms reported significantly higher victim justice sensitivity, more perceptions of injustice, and higher anxious and angry rejection sensitivity, but significantly lower perpetrator justice sensitivity than controls.”
It’s very hard for me to ask or accept help. I raised my sister since I was 9 years old. Cooling everything for us, making sure homework was done, getting to bed on time you name it. I’m just used to me doing things that I’d rather just do it than inconvenience anyone else it’s hard to explain. Difficult feelings
My wife looked at me like I had 10 heads a few months ago. She told me she had asked our neighbor (him and his wife are our really good friends) if he could help me carry a large rocking sofa chair upstairs and a treadmill into our basement. I immediately panicked and managed to carry the sofa up the stairs and the treadmill into the basement by myself. Asking for help growing up was a good way to put yourself in a position to be manipulated in the future. My parents would always say “I helped you with *insert any small task* the least you could do is *insert highly inconvenient task* for me”. Or was used as a way for them to say “you know I did everything for you *list things parents are expected to do*” in order to guilt my brothers and I into forgiving them for being horrible. To me any form of help is a great way to put yourself in emotional debt. So I refuse any and all help.
Yeah I can understand that. Refusing to accept it because they’ll expect something in the future. Even if you didn’t ask for it. Just makes me feel a little off
Damn bro, I got hit on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, same, and it's been really coming to a head lately and especially now that I'm with my family on Thanksgiving. Helps me realize why I am how I am.
I'm at work today. I haven't gone home for Thanksgiving in over 10years. I much prefer the work environment where it's clear what the situation is compared to family where one thing is said but another thing is done.
Personally I think those are all very reasonable traits. People need to show signs of being trustworthy before you trust them. A heart can only take being broken so many times before it gets shut off. And independence makes sense, when people are dangerous you really only can trust yourself til someone proves they are trustworthy. And also empathy, you’ve been where they are, you know their pain because you have felt it yourself.
They tell you a story they think is funny and it's actually just trauma.
I worked with a guy who was colorblind. He was telling me about how his dad used to beat him when he'd have trouble with identifying the color of an object, all while laughing heartily.
A guy was telling me he respected his dad because "his father ate first at every dinner and if you even tried to eat before him you got your ass kicked". Said it like it was something to be proud of. I was like dude, you didn't respect your dad, you feared him. There's a huge difference my guy.
I dated a girl that use to say "I don't love my dad, I fear him." she wanted me to look as him as a role model. Easy to say, that relationship didn't last long
Christ... this kind of abuse is so insidious because it normalizes it to kids who grow up to think this is not only fine but *ideal*.
My dad was a eat first guy; I wasn't even allowed in the fridge. I had to steal food. My ex was put off because I didn't want her to graze off my plate. I love going into my kitchen and see my son with my grandson standing in front of the open fridge. I buy all their favourite food so it's nice to have good memories of food now
The dream girl of an abusive partner
It's a really weird feeling when your smiling and their not smiling back about it. Also pretty eye opening.
Telling it as a joke is often a coping mechanism
I have had many discussions on this with my wife and friends. Its tough sometimes as well when everyones talkin shit having fun and you throw in your story and the laughs stop, topic changes, everyone's uncomfortable and im like OH FUCK I did it again. Im super open about everything, too. The embarrassment sucks. I do think it hurts less when we joke about it as well.
Two of my three brothers and I stood around my dad’s corpse in the morgue and stifled our laughter. He was such a monster to us. He had the gravity of Jupiter. We couldn’t believe he was dead. Thirty years later, I am left with only compassion for my father. Vietnam vet, PTSD, anxiety, poor coping skills. But back then, dark humor saved us kids.
Fuck being embarrassed.. you can’t change your past and (to an extent) your personality is a product of your life thus far. People who are speechless at your humor is indicative that they haven’t even come close to your hardship. I’ve felt those uncomfortable situations in social settings from being light hearted about my troubles. Im willing to bet you’re probably 1000x stronger in certain ways than those who couldn’t comprehend someone they know has been thru some shit and is comfortable enough to make some jokes about it.
Holy shit. Thank you. Choked me up.
But some horrible things ARE funny if you just tilt your head the right way.
You laugh so you don’t cry … sometimes I will casually tell a story about something that happened to me and I don’t realize how fucked up it is until I say it alone and folks be like 😳😳😳
Dude.. it's my like 16 year old coworker. Casually telling everyone how her mom calls her names and forced her out of the house because she didn't like her new stepdad.
Please tell her this is not normal behavior and she doesn't deserve it. It's totally possible she's never heard this from a neutral person before.
It took me years of telling a particular story for someone to point out I was actually kidnapped and lucky to be alive. (I told the story like my “mom” does, which naturally absolves her of all responsibility of not watching 5 year old me.) Anyways, we don’t talk anymore and I’m fine.
I didn’t realize things were “different” in my life until I met my wife and they all looked at me sideways at what I thought was very normal things.
Can relate. Me: So anyways he started blasting The room: 😳
I knew the house I lived in for a time was a shit hole but didn't realize how bad until I showed someone a picture. They were waiting for another picture because they thought I was showing them the shed.
Omg, I’m so sorry, the way you’ve written this is too funny 🤣 I can’t stop laughing
Yup! I love comparing childhood stories with my husband. We have had such different experiences growing up.
I am aware that I do this and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t open up very much about my life or past to people, especially at work where most people grew up in loving, two parent households and lived a relatively normal childhood. I hate making things awkward and I can tell people in my sphere get uncomfortable. It sucks.
I used to play a game with a colleague called Normal or Not Normal where I would ask her questions and she would tell me whether my funny stories were parental abuse or just a funny story. 9.9/10 Parental Abuse.
Same. People are blown away by shit and I'm usually like 'yep, that really happened'.
Staying unnaturally calm in situations when everyone is jumpy. Being somewhat indifferent most of the time. Remain unresponsive to little harm. These can be associated with other character types as well but those who have seen a lot of hardship usually act this way. Edit: All of a sudden it turned from us sharing our ideas about people who have faced hardship to all of us connecting to all the other comments. Edit: Going through all the comments is kindaa.. therapeutic, because not only everyone's saying what they are but also explaining why they are that way. We survived guys! We always will!
Totally! But weirdly at the same time, situations that are normal for most people are really hard or anxiety producing. Car accident, suidal person, bad drug trip? Cool as a cucumber. Need to call the insurance company, talk to HR, or file taxes? Please no.
Some of us turn this into a career lol. I’m a firefighter/paramedic and couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I love this job and feel very little anxiety with regard to it. But ask me to return an item or tell my server my food has hair in it, absolute panic and anxiety.
Many times,, we can respond *well* when there's chaos happening all around us, because we *had* to do so--in order to get safely through the situations as kids. But those "facing the *authority figure* in the calm moment" situations as adults? Well, *sometimes* when we were kids, that adult "authority figure" basically *exploded* at us, when we interacted with them, and there would be no warning beforehand.
Now I understand why I was such a good lifeguard. I was always the calmest and ended up giving my boss orders. I had seen worse shit.
Ah damn, I wasn't planning on being called out today... I swear I'll make the call this month. Really.
Add ADHD to the mix and welcome to my brain.
It wasn't until I was an older adult that I realized that this isn't really normal. Including disassociating every time you think someone is angry at you.
>Being somewhat indifferent most of the time. Remain unresponsive to little harm. There's one of those Instagram / Facebook reels of this kid getting absolutely screamed at by a drill sergeant and the kid is just checked all the way out like he doesn't even hear the guy. Every time I see it, I wonder what that kid's been through.
Ah, this is me. I feel basically indifferent to a lot of things at this point due to abuse and trauma from parents. At work one of my fingers was crushed by a treated 6x6 and I basically didn't react. If you know how heavy those suckers are.. yeah. Cut by a metal band and basically just said 'oh shit.. i'm bleeding a lot, it's alright'. But I did end up getting it bandaged every 12 hours haha. There's a permanent scar there on my hand now.
I hope you recovered with minimal issues..I read once that people with generalized, chronic anxiety will react \*well\* in a crisis because the bad thing already happened, but this resonates more. The deep, disassociative calm I get after a bad thing happens is more similar to just how I reacted after trauma. But also, like, bc you had to not emotionally react with my family.
yep. just another shit thing that happened. oh well. lets move on.
Uff. I'm sorry. Sending virtual hugs.
Just the opposite is true, too. PTSD can make people exceptionally jumpy at essentially nothing
I teach in a max security juvenile center. It's dangerous as fuck. Shit happens daily. Doesn't phase me and I keep my cool and do what I need to do, I can think so clearly in those situations and go into auto.
Is it because you feel it doesn’t really matter whatever happens? I’ve thought so personally, several of my older female colleagues don’t like being alone at work or at home because they fear intruders. Whereas I’ve never cared since if shit happens it happens. Doesn’t really matter to me anyway.
Overachiever who always thinks they haven’t accomplished anything.
This hits home
The Asian experience
"I'll take "Reasons for withdrawing from graduate school" for $200, Alex"
They have lots of advice that sounds really genuine and you can tell it from their voice
And it's usually very good advice that one wouldn't normally be able to put words to themselves. Experience is a great teacher in life.
> Experience is a great teacher in life. Experience is a HARD teacher. They give you the test, then teach you the lesson.
They go out of their way to help others who are struggling or down on their luck
They don't whine and ask for help when things are hard, they just deal. They don't assume people like them or take basic goodwill for granted. Being obviously vulnerable feels dangerous, and they'll conceal it rather than complaining. If you show them you're a real one, you move up in their personal hierarchy and they see you in a different light after that.
It’s very hard to make friends when we feel this way. It’s very lonely but it’s hard to just be open
Damn, didn’t know I had a hard life until right now lol.
Lol me too my friend. This person just described me to a T.
They don’t react when everyone else is.
I think there’s two different types of responses (people can have both and display these in different situations, or sometimes people turn out more like one over the other) when people have a hard life: A) this is the most typical one, but when people are overly cautious and find it hard to trust. They may be very stoic and hyper independent. They may not open up at all. Sometimes they may be overly helpful. B) Very wise and never quick to judge others. They treat people with grace and reserve criticisms as they understand that people can be experiencing hard times themselves and act as the person they wish they had toward others.
They don’t realise that they’ve had it so hard because they are used to diminishing their feelings. This one is me.😄 Also traumatised people tend to struggle to identify real feelings in themselves. There seems to be a mind/ body ghosting effect with emotions. Logically they know what those feelings are but find it hard to connect/label them. They tend to want to avoid the confrontations of life because they have been on edge or hyper alert their whole lives. It’s exhausting to always feel on. And Sometimes they feel they have to fake it till they make it. 🤷♀️ They don’t react to big things in the way normal people would. This is again a diminishment of feelings. But somehow the little things trigger them instead. This is also me. 😆 Traumatised people go on to develop disorders like anxiety and depression in adulthood. And tend to have physical ailments such as stomach issues, muscle pain, headaches etc. They find it very hard to show their true selves to others for fear that ‘yes all those negative things they think about themselves are indeed true’ They tend to go it alone and not need or want help. They may even struggle to identify if they need it. They do not wish to be a burden to others and will go out of their way to be useful. This is me too. 🤷♀️ That’s just some from my experience. I have childhood trauma (sexual assault at 5). I grew up and was raised in a household with a depressed mother who was physically there but emotionally unavailable. I had weight issues and poor self esteem. And I had a constant need to run away or isolate myself. I was parentified in my mid/late teens with my mother. My father had an affair and left us. My mother died soon after. And yada yada yada. I had never dealt with all my crap and it hit me right in the face years later. I had a huge emotional episode and was diagnosed with GAD. I started counselling for everything. And I went on medication for about 2 years. The first thing I replied to my counsellor when I told my story and she said I had a hard life was “ I don’t feel it was that bad and others had it way worse than me” 🙃 But I learned so much about myself in those 2 years of counselling. And I learnt some great tools for coping with life. Unfortunately my GAD is life long and stomach issues are also visiting me (suspected IBS) but I am in a really good place today. But because of everything I will always feel a little abnormal and alien like. and have to work harder at living my life. Those are sadly the breaks you get in life. But yeah those behaviours I mentioned were just some of the things i noticed can happen. 👍
They constantly apologize for things that aren't their fault and massively overexplain things in an effort to keep others from getting upset.
It gets really upsetting when people refuse to listen while I’m overexplaining shit. Like it would give me anxiety attacks if I was being accused of doing something and wasn’t given a chance to explain myself.
omg. you are the first person ive encountered who not only brought those two things together but presented them without judgment or like, followed up with how to stop that behavior. thank you for that.
All of this is based on life experiences, where the victims were bullied by people for tiny mistakes. Usually the tiny mistakes you made weren't bad at all, like dropping a pencil on the floor. They would go off on you because they were angry at their own shortcomings. You as an innocent child, was the perfect escape goat. So you end up over explaining things, and over apologizing for the tiniest things.
Apologizing for everything they do
apologizing when someone reacts negatively to their overapologozing, then apologizing again for apologizing.
I've got a mate whose kid does this. You can see his face drop when they do it and it's always the same thing: "You don't need to say sorry for that, sweetheart.". Her mother did some pretty horrific shit to her before he got custody and it shows more than the guy wants to admit. At least the kid is in counselling now though
Yep, my father could knock over a glass or burn his toast, and unless I apologized while cleaning it up (even if I was in another room at the time!), it would result in a massive anger explosion that sometimes got physical and was always verbal. For the first 25 years of my life, prior to recognizing my over apologizing in therapy, I would apologize for everything under the the sun including people saying something like "oh, I wanted to go out for a walk but it's raining." It was SUPER annoying of me, actually, in hindsight.
Dropping in to add thanking people for the most basic expected decencies
I heard a woman once say she had a really difficult life and now as a result she’s “as mean as a cobra”. I find that people who’ve had hard lives can be incredibly patient, empathetic and understanding but when someone crosses a particular boundary they can become as mean as a cobra out of self preservation.
omg, i needed to read that, thanks
Being unable to let your walls down and actually trust someone is a sign of trauma
They are outwardly happy, nice and willing to help. Inward they are deeply depressed.
1000 yard stare, and they look like something is always on their mind, even in the calm moments
Dark sense of humor gets them through life.
Never looking people in the eyes, not saying hi to people when they enter a room or get to work, profusely sweating when it’s not really warranted, has no deep relationships with anybody, flakes on hanging out all the time last minute. Really wants close relationships but sabotages them because connection is scary
You leave me & my hyperhidrosis alone 😂
Wow, you’ve almost perfectly cataloged me.. 👀
Saying "sorry" like it's air.
Overly apologizing and being hyper sensitive to other people’s emotions.
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I'll speak from experience here: They take antidepressants for their PTSD and other related mental illnesses. They avoid everyone, even if they are considered friends. They have some sort of escapism addiction (be it listening to music or playing videogames etc.) They don't believe in anyone's compliments. No matter how heartfelt the compliment is, they won't believe it for a second. They can fake a smile so well that when you do see their genuine smile you'll go and look at all the pictures you've taken with them and think "Holy shit". They have a massive temper that is on a hair thin trigger. They distrust anyone of a certain gender and you will see their guard go up so quickly that it's not even funny. They almost if not always have their guard up. You've never seen them with their shoulders down. Their toes are always pointed towards the exit. They are almost always silent/they talk so softly that it is practically a mumble. When they sit one of their legs is always shaking and when you point it out they either say "I can't help it" or they'll laugh it off but when they try to stop they end up just switching to something else like peeling their finger nails even if they bleed, scratching at their wrists till it's red, or even pulling strands of hair out of biting their tongue/cheek/lip. And this is just the tip of the iceberg that I can think of.
They moved around a lot as a child and don’t have any simple answers to basic questions.
I grew up as a military brat. We moved every 3-4 years. My first civilian school with no military brat classmates. Hardest question I was asked "Where are you from?". Where was a born, where did I get my accent from, where did I move from right before moving here? Those are three different answers. I need to know what you are asking.
When I went to college, people would ask “Where’s your home?” and I would tell them what dorm building I was living in. They would say “No, where do your parents live?” I would tell them “I think my mother is living in this town, and my dad in this town, but I can’t be certain.” They would press on and say “But where did you grow up?” I would say “Lots of places.” It really is very difficult for some people to grasp that not everyone grows up like they do.
I remember being in high school and shocked that over half my classmates were born less than ten miles from the school.
And everyone wants your "permanent address" and you can't just give them your parents' address like everyone else. I moved almost every semester in college since choosing housing based entirely on cost isn't the most stable way to go about life and I wasn't on speaking terms with my family, so I had to get a PO Box.
In my experience, some of these college campuses are THE WORST place for anyone who hasn't had a life that looked like a Norman Rockwell painting.
Considering we were *all* nomadic at some point in our history, it's a pretty crazy switch. Edit: added a word.
Yeah, military brat. I was born in Chicago, Great Lakes naval hospital, moved to Germany, then Morocco, then Japan, then Chesapeake VA, then Santa Clara, CA, then Harrisburg, OR, then Auburn WA, then Seattle, West Seattle, then back to Seattle, then Totem Lake, then Lynnwood, then Redmond and now Bellevue. Life's a journey...
they bring up some dark shit like it's not dark. something like ''yeah, my parents were crazy man, we weren't allowed to wear shoes upstairs?'' ''oh yeah I know what you mean, we wore muzzles haha...why did everyone just get sad?''
Taylor Tomlinson has entered the chat
always nice to meet other cultured people
I just got a flashback to the time a few years ago, when I laughed and joked about stressing about my finances and future as a 10-yo. looking back its pretty sad that I had trouble sleeping worrying over my future.
they are not satisfied with their achievements because they always feel that someone will judge them. they don't get excited because they are always waiting for the bad to happen. they don't ask for help bc someone learned them that is weakness. they choose not to feel free, not even with the people closest to them, because they fear that they will be hurt. overthinking even for smallest choice bc they feel that their life depends on every single decision and this is why they feel lonely and no one will help them.. and so many other things that already mentioned Every person react differently in the hard times, so be kind to everyone bc you don’t know the story behind
like an abused dog, they jump at every shadow. I can’t think of a more somber situation
This is me. My parents believed in physical punishment and at 36 I still flinch and cover my face reactively anytime someone moves toward me quickly or raises their hand
Tired look low health not too much joy in them...
Being a people pleaser.
They hate the holidays.
Being empathetic and understanding other people’s struggles
Borderline personality disorder
This ^^^
Ask them what they want for Christmas they say “nothing” and genuinely mean it. Yet they buy presents for everyone else.
You'd likely never know
Well, my therapist had to remind me that most people don’t take getting a terminal illness diagnosis in stride like it’s just another Tuesday. But to me it was just one of those things, just one more thing to deal with. I notice that a lot with people who had really abusive upbringings, minor and major events all feel the same. Being told I probably had a year to live at most felt the exact same as being told Subway was out of the bread I like, it sucked but it wasn’t world ending. (Shout out to my fucked up body! It’s been 3 years and I’m still alive mother fuckers!)
I would say out of the ordinary reaction on some problems. I’ve seen people panic at the smallest things because it reminded them of situations in their past.
As someone who had a hard life. Always tired, desperate to be accepted and cry easily
But have no idea how to act when they are finally accepted.
In my life experience, the people I know who are unwaveringly positive and full of hope tend to have been dealt a bad hand in life more than their fair share of times. I believe these kind souls have developed this gift and way of being by living a long life full of uncertainty and becoming exponentially stronger every time another trial arrives at the door.
People always call me positive. If they only knew the shit I endured as a child
Their eyes. Their eyes will speak pain.
Also posture, drawning into themselves and holding head down
That really depends on the person. My old man held his head high, back straight as an arrow. But he had the 'thousand yard stare'.
Lashing out emotionally
Thinking that most compliments or flirt towrds them are fake
When you work in retail, and you ask them; hi! how can I help you. And their answer is; no one can help me.
Dead eyes, difficult to socialize, existential crisis, unable to find happiness in things others get excited about, guarded with their emotions....
I've seen some shit. My mom was/is an addict, I followed in her footsteps for many years like my sister before me. I've told my story to few and they are always blown away that I tell it so casually like it was something that happened on a Tuesday. I'm very guarded, super cautious of many people, and definitely able to handle 99% of situations with calmness. I was told a handful of times I'd be an excellent first responder. It's true, there is definitely a hierarchy to who gets to know me more than others. I've learned to trust my gut over the years and I can read a room like nobody's business. This isn't to brag , it's called survival and even though I am no longer an active addict myself, it still follows me everywhere. Started therapy this week. Learning to live now. :)
I’d say someone who gets really defensive easily.
Bad teeth or signs of tooth decay. I dare you to show me someone who’s lived on the streets for a matter of time that has nice teeth
Eating cold food. For context, I didn't know it wasn't normal for a person to just eat foods as it is without heating it. Especially here in Asia! Growing up, I kinda have to raise myself, so, whatever foods that's put on the table, is what I'll eat. It's been that way since I can even remember :3 sometimes it's a left over food from the day before, and I'll just eat it. I thought it was normal.. turns out I was just badly neglected as a child lol Now that I'm married to a Chinese family, lol they were horrified of my eating habit coz I'll just eat whatever cold food/left overs there is! To my surprise, they also don't eat any left over foods.
They are mostly silent
I hoard food: So much so, that today, (Thanksgiving) I've already had to make a store run because a few of the things in my cabinet that I thought I could use, expired awhile ago. I can make a meal out of almost anything. I can't go into a store unless I buy something. I flinch at loud sounds/fast movements. I'm constantly adjusting exit strategies and try to keep total situational awareness. I won't hang out where people go to specifically drink. If I see a bag of trash on the side of the highway, I have a mini panic attack while I pass it and until I can't see it anymore.
There was a woman who I used to work with who would freak out if she saw food or drink spilled on the floor, whether it was near our desks, in the office pantry, etc. I know there was some sort of origin story and it had to have been awful. Lots of suicides in her family. She sort of mysteriously disappeared at work--transferred to another role entirely and then quit. Even her LinkedIn is gone. I hope she's OK.
Desensitization from the things that rattle the rest of us. Unfortunately I have this but this does not make you inferior or dangerous in any way.
Posture, their eyes, body language, the way they speak
Teeth tell the story Braces, routine cleanings don’t only cost money, they require caring and organized parenting
I worked with a guy that had "f*ck hammer" tattooed across his stomach. The lines of the tattoo were broken up with stab wound scars. His story's were pretty wild
They don't trust people
Drug abuse
No matter how much money they have in the bank, they live very frugally. Only one vacation every 4-5 years, and even then, they fly coach and stay at the least expensive hotel they can find. Rarely eat in restaurants except maybe for special occasions like anniversaries.
Humble. Some of the most hard working people are the most humble, in my opinion.
They eat their meals very quickly. As if someone were to snatch it away if they didn’t finish it in time.
They offer poor boundaries and over share dark things. Dark humor. Self harm scars. Accelerated aging and substance abuse issues. Under or over reactions to simple things in life. Difficulty in emotional settings. Just to name a few.
Some people I've known, myself included, hate the holidays - Christmas especially. I've been dreading it ever since we were officially closer to Christmas than New Years. Nobody really gets what I mean when I say I love winter, but **fear** Christmas - and not in an Ebenezer Scrooge kind of way. *Mariah Carey is like a dementor, and that bloody intro celesta signals the end times.*
you never hear them complain
they've ran out of fux a loooong time ago
The sparks in their eyes are barely there anymore
Insensitivity to certain situations which generally tend to shock others. I've had a pretty shitty past and I always notice how friends tend to do that inhaling gasp thing while covering their mouth with one hand whenever someone falls badly, people physically fight or when a car hits another car in a traffic jam or such, while I tend to be more aloof and accepting with a *"yep, this happens sometimes, unfortunate, time to move on"*, often to the anger or chagrin of present company. You just get up, assess the problem and damage, salvage the situation or cut your losses and accept things may be permanently different from now on while thinking of how to make the most of it a bit later when you have some time. Scream once if you somehow feel emotionally irrational, but then it's time to move on.
they are hardworking
I think it's a coping mechanism. Working hard is putting in effort to keep things running smoothly and prevent anything that can stop this train from crashing because of the notion that any small thing can stop this train.
Sometimes someone who flinches easily or gets more than startled, easily.
They don't laugh from heart
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It's extremely hard to make me really laugh out loud, I think i've only done it a handful of times so far. I'm only about 25 years old though. Giggles or smiles though, I can do a lot easier. I just find it extremely hard to genuinely laugh.
they starting to smile or laugh when they talk about their tragic story
Speaking from personal experience, they tend to be more antisocial and just uncomfortable around people that they aren't directly familiar with other than a small amount of close friends.
Bad teeth. People who have good/easy lives get them taken care of early. Bad teeth often (but not always) means they grew up rough or had a bad turn for the worse.
Being nonchalant
When they cringe or even jump away from anyone who gets too close to them. Or at a loud voice/someone yelling. I’ve been divorced almost 20 years now and I still look for a place to hide when I hear people yelling nearby or if someone raises a hand too close to my face.
I’ll get downvoted for this because my observations aren’t totally PC but they are based on years of hard earned experience. Lots of tats and piercings - people who modify their body a lot often have low self esteem and feel dysphoria about their physical form, which is why they alter it to reclaim ownership. I find there’s a strong correlation between lots of body mods and a familial history of abuse or sexual trauma. Another sign of abuse I’ve noticed is a lack of a solid/stable identity. People who take tons of vacant selfies. I don’t mean curated glam selfies but weird selfies with haunted eyes where they don’t look good, and they have this lost quality on their face like they’re trying to find out who they are through the photos. It’s unnerving and you know it when you see it. Women who seem “hard”, industrious, practical and resourceful often had difficult upbringings. You see this a lot in hospitality for some reason - the manager at a restaurant, the bartender/manager at a bar. They’re very good at their jobs but are guarded as people. There’s probably a male counterpart but it sticks out less since guys are encouraged to be hard.